Shadee Elmasry – STOP Getting Married for the WRONG Reasons
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the importance of being married for the right reasons and the need to be mindful of one's rights. They recommend a website called Starboardmarriage.com, which is being soft launched and is being mentored by a mentor-leyear relationship. The speaker also emphasizes caution when discussing generalizations and emphasizes the need for caution when married, as couples get divorced and married after being married for the family's pressure and desire to be married. They become fatally married because they love their brother, but they do not want to marry someone.
AI: Summary ©
Be together, be married for the right reasons.
The foundation of marriage has to be sound
and right in the first place.
And that's very important.
I mean, just don't be with somebody because
you got pressured to.
Let me tell you, there's a lot of
brothers who have been pressured to marry their
relatives so that the relative could get a
green card.
And you as a Muslim man need to
know your rights.
You can never be forced into this.
Ever.
And if she says, I'm not pleased with
you on the day of judgment, it's batil.
Not every, I'm not pleased with you is
valid.
Right?
Okay.
Is it possible to say, I'm not pleased
with you on the day of judgment if
you don't go steal?
Of course not.
Right?
If you pray, I'm not pleased with you
on the day of judgment.
Of course not.
Right?
So not every phrase, I'm not pleased with
you is valid.
It's invalid.
Oh, be careful the dua of the mom.
Oh Allah, throw fire and brimstone on his
head.
He's not doing what I said.
It's invalid dua.
Peer pressure is scary.
Imagine family pressure.
The mom's pressuring you.
Her being upset is a problem by itself.
You're going to be upset.
If you're connected to your mom and your
mom's upset, you're going to be upset.
But that doesn't mean those threats have any
validity with Allah.
Subhanahu wa ta'ala.
No validity with Allah.
They have no meaning.
They are kalam adum, essentially.
Right?
It's as if it's nothing.
So you don't have to worry about that.
So being pressured to marry someone is one
of these, you're setting yourself up for disaster.
It's the number one probably source of disaster.
Here's another one.
He's so nice, but something inside the woman
just doesn't want to marry him.
Right?
She just doesn't feel like she wants to
marry him.
But she sort of feels bad for rejecting
him.
Sister, this is not his right.
You feel bad?
Yes, you can feel bad about it, but
it's not his haq.
So when you feel bad about it, that
means reject in a nice way.
Like you can say a lot of nice
things.
Have your dad do it.
Say, well, Allah, you're a great guy.
It's just there's no nasib here.
Right?
There's no...
It's not going to work out.
Nobody owes anyone marriage.
This family has done so much for us.
He's done so much, and now the son
has come to propose.
Right?
They have helped us out in our life
so much in different ways.
We can never repay them.
Now the son is coming to propose to
our daughter for marriage.
The daughter's like, we love that family, yeah,
but I'm not going to marry him.
You cannot pressure her to do that, to
return a favor.
It's not how it works.
This is a great piece of advice.
Marry for the right reason.
Don't marry because of some pressure or some
family business between the two.
Let alone for papers.
I mean, that's probably not only illegal, but
it actually is illegal.
But of course, they don't know your intention.
But they do come check every few years
to make sure you're legitimate.
You know, by the way, they have a
hack now.
The government, because they know people marry for
papers all the time.
They have a hack now where they'll come
back and they'll rescind your papers if they
discover it was a fake.
So first of all, they investigate you in
the first place to see if you're actually
married.
Then they make it a long process because
you've got to stay married.
Then if you pass that and you stay
married, the last I heard, if they come
back after years and they check on you,
if it turns out that you did fool
them, they rescind the papers.
That's what I heard.
Someone in the law can address that.
We're launching Starboard today, as you see this
gorgeous website.
Starboardmarriage.com is up.
Omar, can you stick it in the chat?
Starboardmarriage.com is being soft launched today.
We are now capable of taking mentees.
They are mentors and mentees.
It's a mentor-mentee relationship.
A lot of people need this program, says
Lakes.
They're out here traumatizing people left, right, and
center.
Okay?
People being traumatized.
People don't know how to be married.
People don't know their head from their toes
and they go get married and then they
wonder three weeks later, three months later, why
they come back crying in the masjid.
Why are you coming crying to me when
you never studied this matter?
So here's a guy who testifies and he
says that I got married.
My family encouraged me to marry.
I felt like I wanted to wait a
little bit.
They kept pushing me.
So I got married and I was miserable.
I thought that time would fix things, but
I was wrong.
I myself was not ready to be married.
Okay?
So I got divorced.
Now someone gets hurt because of that now.
Because you got pressure from friends.
Or here's this.
Sometimes your aunts and uncles, you genuinely can't
find the right person, but your aunts and
uncles, your aunties, mostly the aunts and the
women in the family, they push it so
hard because time's passing.
So that family pressure, time's passing and I
just have to marry someone quick because it
just doesn't look right.
How could you be entering 30, 31, 32,
35, 37, 38, 40 and not marry?
What's wrong?
Now, I have to be very careful when
I talk like this because many people do
have valid reasons.
Right?
So be mindful that these generalizations are just,
there is exceptions to the rule so that
no one feeling gets hurt.
Sometimes they marry because you just cannot say
no to this family.
That's another reason people get married.
This family, they're so well-off, they're so
well-liked, they got so many popular people
in the family, you just can't say no
to this family.
That's wrong.
Person, and I know a guy who married
for that reason.
Luckily he stayed married, but the main reason
he married was because he admired the brother
so much.
But the brother and the sister are two
different creatures.
Right?
They're totally different people.
Right?
You don't marry to have a brother-in
-law.
You're not marrying for a brother-in-law.
You're not marrying for a sister-in-law.
You're marrying for the person.
And the opposite's true too.
The opposite's true too.
Right?
You marry for the person who may have
come from a terrible family.
That's what Pride and Prejudice is all about.
Right?
You read that book?
It's one of your favorite books, right?
The mom, she's loud.
She's terrible.
She has no tact.
She's an embarrassment wherever she goes.
One of the daughters, or two of the
daughters, are a complete embarrassment wherever they go.
But two of the daughters are perfect.
They're tactful.
They're tasteful.
They're polite.
Everything's perfect.
So some people stay away from that family
just because of two members.
That's false too.
Right?
That's terrible.
So it's bad for them because people want
to stay away from them.
But that's not a reason to stay away
from somebody.
You may have, in fact, sometimes the thorniest
bush produces the best rose.
You like that analogy?
Right?
So because they've seen what a bad person
looks like.
They've seen what a misbehaving girl looks like.
So by contrast, they actually become the best.
Sometimes you find that in families.
Why do you find two polar opposites?
Because, well, for some reason one went one
way.
And the next kid along says, Oh, that's
a bad result.
Let me go the opposite way.
So sometimes the idea of the black sheep
in the family is a wisdom.
I saw one family.
The oldest person, he was a miserable guy.
Right?
Every decision he made was bad.
Really bad.
But what did that do?
It was a blessing in disguise.
Because all the siblings, the younger siblings were
like, Whoa, that's a bad decision.
That's a bad decision.
I ain't doing that.
The dad could have probably given speeches to
them ad nauseum.
It wouldn't have the same effect.
As seeing your brother go down that path.
Sometimes it's a girl who goes down the
bad path.
But we all see it and we say,
Oh, I don't want that.
So sometimes people will stay away from a
family.
Whereas in fact, no, there's a treasure in
that family.
It's actually because of the presence of that
bad person.
She became good or he became good.