Shadee Elmasry – Safina Online Sample Etiquettes of Marriage
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AI: Transcript ©
All right.
Here we go. This is a
sampling. And I've been talking about for almost a year that we're
going to start taking the online stuff a bit more seriously, we did
a couple classes that went over pretty well.
And we're here now
doing a second one here. What you're witnessing now is
video number four, part four on amendment of Azeris. Alright
etiquettes of marriage. So what we have already did is philosophy for
celibacy,
and the superiority of marriage over being single.
Firstly, can we do a sound check you guys on
Facebook if you can hear properly?
All right, can someone tell me if they can hear properly?
Alright,
alright, good. So
Safina online, we're starting to do these things. And we record a
lot of stuff. But we figured to give you a little bit of a
sampling of stuff while we're in the process of recording. So
today's session is on is the fourth lecture in this because
that is etiquettes of marriage, and it's on the disadvantages of
marriage. So before you get so excited, oh, this is going to show
us how to get married No, and get excited about marriage and all
this? Well, you got to know in advance the hardships, all right
of getting married, that the idea of getting married, brings with
it.
Three main hardships. All right, three main hardships in cut.
And the first hardship is the difficulty of obtaining a lawful
income, that it is not easy at all to obtain a lawful income. The
most serious drawback remember, because it says is that it's
nearly impossible to make out fully 100% legitimate livelihood.
Okay.
Very few can do this now, a moment because that is writing how long
ago
and he died 1111. Right. So he's talking about a century ago,
sorry, a millennium ago today applies to us is the Hadith of the
prophets of Allah when he was salam, that there is going to come
a time when the dust of Riba is on everything. All right. So imagine
now, marriage may cause one to make more compromises in the quest
of income. So in the previous video, we talked about how one of
the reasons behind marriage is that it actually completes a
person's
character, in that you come to know Allah azza wa jal in ways
that you would not have outside of marriage. So when you have
dependents and you have people dependent upon you, you start to
have reliance upon Allah for the risk, you need the risk, right? So
you start relying upon Allah for that and you learn to rely upon
him. But there's a drawback that what happens when your iman
decreases, you start to make moral compromises in the quest for
income. So how many people out there are actually could be even
criminals or can be doing some seriously unethical things? Okay.
The main motive behind it is their fear for their children's
livelihood. Okay, fear for their children's livelihood and fear for
their or competition that their wife is seeing other guys, right
doing
helot better than they are. So they need to, you know, eliminate
that type of that negativity.
In contrast, the Bachelor is safe from this, he's safe, and he has a
peace of mind, right, of not having the dependency, right of
children, or the dependents of children and spouse relying upon
him. Alright, so the first thing here is that a man will make moral
compromises in order to fulfill the expenses. And these days. I
mean, we know we just saw the Republican tax cut for the rich,
and it's going to kill the middle class. And again, systematically,
there's like a war waged on the middle class. If you want to know
what's a good country to live in, you look at three qualities you
could study. Right? The three qualities are number one,
cleanliness of the streets, if the streets are clean, it tells you a
lot, just drive around the country. Okay, if the streets are
clean, it tells you a lot. Number two, justice in the courts. All
right. So you need to ask around and see if people go to court in
this country. Are the courts fair? All right, that's number two.
Number three is a nice, thick middle class. And in this country,
they're waging war in the middle class. And it's
going to be harder and harder just to scrap a basic livelihood.
Tuition is through the roof college tuition is this is the
latest bubble, that I feel bad for a lot of youth that they have to
cover, let alone dowry, and now all the expenses of marriage.
According to a prophetic tradition, a man with a mountain
of good deeds will be made to stand by the balance. He will then
be questioned about his wealth, how he came by it and how he spent
it in settling these demands. He will use up all of his accumulated
good deeds until the very last one, the angels will say this is
one whose good deeds were all consumed by his family on Earth.
And today, he is in need for his deeds. Okay, so his family called
onto him all right, and blamed him for feeding them by unlawful
wealth and in order to settle the recompense there he had to give
them from his own good deeds. So when you were giving your children
something okay.
And your family wealth and thinking you're doing them a favor
what you're going to realize they're going to come to you on
Yom Okayama blame you for it all right, and you're gonna have to
give you them from your good deeds. It is said that the first
to fasten onto a man at the resurrection, the money they're
gonna latch on to him all right, and they will stand before Allah
azza wa jal and said Oh our LORD give us our due from this man, the
head of the household. Okay. He left us in ignorance, so he didn't
teach them. Right. So teaching and educating one's family is one of
the most important things in the deen Allah subhanaw taala says
what I like of the Salah will start with Allah. Right teach your
people the deen right teacher fit your household the dean. Okay. And
Imam Ahmed even humble when he finished completing the Musnad he
gathered his entire family for and for a series of days, read to
them, the Muslim and the Muslim contains over 40,000 Hadith.
Right, his top student was his son, Abdullah. Right. Ibrahim is
oh, I would never do a Cutsem of Quran except that or it was Edison
medic. He would first he would reach to the last few students,
then he would gather his entire family and read to them, okay, and
they would make the deal out together. So involving one's
family and the dean and educating a person is dependence on the
dean. That's number one. Number two, he fed us unlawfully without
our knowledge he went obtained unlawful wealth and came back and
put that on the table. Okay, and that's what they ate from so
they're gonna say, Listen, we sinned, because of him. He's the
reason we sent so we're gonna they're gonna call for the
recompense and they're going to take from his good deeds, because
on that Yamo gamma no one you know, y'all Malayan foul. Merola
balloon, right? Nobody cares about them the anyone but themselves.
The only one who cares about others on that day is say they're
Tony and say that Muhammad said Allah when he was seven them, and
thereafter when people are given permission to do intercession,
then they do their intercession. But up to that point, nobody
cares.
Another Hadith nobody meets Allah with a sin greater
than that of having left his family in ignorance of the deen.
Okay. So think about that you want to get married and you're excited?
Are you yourselves knowledgeable enough that you can now teach
someone else? When you have a little 10 year old? What are you
going to do? Right? So you yourself have to learn. And I'm
telling you, the opportunities to learn are so immense, it's
unbelievable. What are you going to learn? Let's say you're somos.
Okay, well tell me what am I need to do? The first thing you need to
do is study up data. You can spend a good year reading, going to
classes bouncing around the internet for from teachers who are
reliable and you know, a reliable teacher, how by his peers or her
peers. Do you see them interacting with other Imams? That's the sign
that someone has some peer review, okay. And then you study your Aki
to the next is to how to insula, you're going to study the Hatha
insula. And then you're going to study at that point, the
sun sown fasting and Zika because you're going to be a working
person, and pay years ago. And then thereafter, now that you have
your father dying down your bases that you know, at this point,
after that you spend time on the Shabbat and of the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam the descriptions of sacred cow names
on a salatu salam keeping in mind, morals, manners and spiritual
rectification through summit of the prophets of Allah when he was
selling them. Alright, and you could spend a long time on that.
And once we get our theory, right, we get our theory right. It could
take time to to act upon it, right to actually act upon it. But we
need to get the theory right first, right. So we got to get
these the theory right first, and then we can we can scrap and this
is what Sudoku is. It's a hard struggle to actually act upon this
knowledge and it takes years. One man said I studied all the deen in
five years, and then I studied it loss for 30 years, right? In other
words, trying to practice it with it last for 30 years.
You remember because ally says this drawback is widespread few
can escape it without having inherited or legitimately acquired
wealth sufficient to support a man and his family. Another question
that comes up often, a person inherits wealth that either is
unlawful or mixed, lawful and unlawful, or they inherited
unlawfully. In other words, their parent didn't observe the city in
terms of the inheritance, so he distributed it, or she distributed
it how she wishes, or that they shouldn't have distributed or been
inherited at all. In other words, we know that a Muslim does NOT
inherit from a Catholic, for example, so but you're the parent
could list a child who is not a Muslim could list a child who is a
Muslim, what does he do with that wealth? Alright, so that you give
it out? What if What if you were a Muslim parent,
distributed the inheritance unlawfully, it becomes your duty
to portion out what you deserve what the city gives you, a lots
for you. Right? And whatever is remaining, that's extra that you
have to give it to the one who was who didn't receive their share, or
divided amongst the people who didn't receive their share, okay?
Or
what you have to do? Is
it the opposite, if you were
district deprived of your share, right? Inheritance should be given
to you. And it's debated upon whether or not you should fight
for your inheritance. One of the opinions is that you do not fight
for the inheritance that you were owed. And the other opinion says,
Yes, you do. You can go and take your family members to court if
you were robbed or your inheritance, but if they legally
did it here in America and allocated the inheritance in a way
that's unlawful, then there's no fight, right? You can tell them
listen, totally call your brother. Listen, we didn't get the shares
properly, and you should fear a lot and distributed properly. And
it's up to him whether or not he does that. The third possibility
is that you inherited mixed money, mix money, and mixed money is
acceptable to take in Sharia mix money is medical thoughts, meaning
wealth that was partially gained lawfully and partially gain
unlawfully. Okay, that you can take. So for example, I know a
guy, you could say, hypothetically comes into my store. And I know
this guy
has a gas station and in this gas station, he sells lottery tickets,
and he sells guests. So his money is mixed. But he's now coming to
me to buy a product from me. I don't have to, you know, parcel
out the percentage of money that's Hello. And that's haram. I can
accept it.
and you assume that it's from the halal and this is from the mercies
of the Sharia. Alright, so people inherit unlawfully or inherit
unlawful wealth and then they feed their family with that, you know,
you have to know that on like suits ABA says, I don't care about
fathers Sons Daughters or husbands are friends. Right on Yom Okayama
everyone seeks is for their neffs okay, it's for themselves and
they're going to take that man account for feeding them
unlawfully. Okay, so he says one so situated can indeed escape this
predicament as can a man whose skill enables him to earn a
livelihood by legitimate means.
And of course, he's listing what was a legitimate mean in his in
wood cutting, hunting or any craft of course, that's independent of
the authorities. Of course, that's in his day and age. For us, we
have a lot of legitimate mean jobs.
But even though legitimate skills can be used in corporations that
are overall in an illegitimate business, okay, it legitimate
business. So just because you're an IT guy, well, you have to ask,
what is the corporation or company that's employing you? And is that
lawful? Yes or no? Like, is their entire business lawful? So yeah,
I'm just doing it for these guys. Okay, well, what are they doing?
Alright, so that's another thing, now even Salim
right, even saying that Buffy is a disciple of Salah to study, or the
Allahu anhu, on Houma, and he was asked about marriage. And he said,
It is the best course these days, for a man assailed by overwhelming
lust. All right. But however, if someone possesses self control, it
is better to abstain from marriage. Now, remember that his
daddy later in the chapter, he's going to negate this, and he's
going to qualify it, that if anyone believes that celibacy, and
we talked about this in the previous videos, that we're not
live streamed. If anyone believes that celibacy is superior to
marriage, then we know that this is a bit. And the prophets, I send
them call the companion and spoke about a companion in order to send
him a message and he said, What an excellent man, if he only
fulfilled all of my son, okay, so the word went to the man. And he
came back, and he said, Oh, my God, Allah, what is it from your
son of that I don't do? And he said, you don't marry and the
problem and then the men said, No, it is not out of disbelief in
marriage, its inability to marry. So the Prophet helped him get
married. Okay. So in this case, what he meant was that he's gonna
say is that marriage in itself, you must believe it's superior,
however, there can be a circumstance in which to not marry
is superior. In other words, if all the people available for
marriage would corrupt your deen as opposed to benefit your deen,
then at that point, it's better to to know it's permissible to not
marry. Okay? Or if obtaining wealth for them would be
impossible. Let's say hypothetically, you're full of
debt, and you have no skills and you can't obtain the necessary
wealth. So for a specific reason, it is permissible for someone to
avoid marriage, and many automat did that in the past. Right?
That's the amendment No, we for example, never married a memorable
curry. There is no record that he married, okay.
Number of people didn't marry. Now, number two. So the first
disadvantage has to do with wealth number two, difficulty of treating
a wife properly. Alright, the second drawback lies in the
difficulty of giving wives their due. Okay, having patience. And
really, this should go both ways.
It usually when you see a man because that is writing and many
people actually they talk about this and they sort of complain,
etc. Okay.
Lena cetera. That email has that he always writes in his Treatises
of marriage to men. Right? Okay, fine. That's him. So now that
you're an adult, you can say okay, him or her? Right? Yes, it applies
to the husband or the wife that was in that time he's writing for
other men. And that's why he's always talking about the
difficulty of getting wives there do well, I mean, a woman could say
the difficulty of giving her husband her do all right, that was
in his time, he's writing to men. So you know, we can be mature and
say, right, that was that was how he wrote, it doesn't mean that
there's no credence to the opposite. Alright, so
likewise, in his chapters on Paradise, he always talks about
the paradise of men, right? What men receiving paradise and then so
many women get upset. All right, why not? The women Okay, so he
didn't write that that doesn't discount that there is a lot for
women in paradise, right. So in any event, let's get back to the
subject here.
having supper with the character of your spouse because everyone
who is above
How to Get married puts on their best, you know, puts your best
foot forward, no one comes in engagement and is cranky, no one
comes in a bad mood, everyone comes in a good mood, right? Well,
when you actually get married, it's non existent, this idea that
you can always be in a good mood, you're not gonna always be in a
good mood, right? So you're gonna have bad moods. So to learn to
have Southern and as you're gonna have bad moods, so the person that
you married is also a human being that's gonna have bad moods, you
have to have supper, right with and that's this is what he's
talking about the difficulty of this summer, right? bearing the
trouble that they cause, right? And spouses could cause you
trouble, they could waste your money, they could embarrass you in
public. There's a lot of ways in which right,
in which,
you know, spouses can cause trouble. Alright, so you have to
have somebody with that. Alright, the task of treating women
properly. And here's some a point that he's making is greater than
the task of a woman treating her husband properly. Because a
husband can ruin a Woman's Day, a lot more than a woman's life, even
more so than woman can really ruin a man's life. And I'm sure that
some men will disagree with that. But let's just talk from common
sense. A man when he gets angry, he could harm a woman far greater
than if a woman can harm him, gets angry how she could harm her
husband. So he says here, it's accurate. Even more important that
the man think about suburb patients, even more so than his
wife. Okay.
He says here, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has
given more responsibility on the man saying that he is the shepherd
for the flock, right? He is the shepherd for the flock, it is a
sin enough for a man to neglect those in his care. It is a duty
and Sharia that a man Okay?
That a man take care of his spouse, but in his family, but it
is not a duty for a woman to take care of her husband or her
children. Right? So in the process of taking care of this spouse, all
right, the, there's a lot of anger is gonna happen, lack of patience,
right frustration, and all these things that the man must swallow,
right in order to actually do his job properly.
guard yourselves and your families against the fire. This is Allah
has told men, guard yourselves and your families towards against the
fire. So he has to take care of them in this world. He has to take
care of them regarding the next world and making sure at least
outwardly, they're not doing what's wrong, and they're doing
well what's the duty and the woman has no such responsibility, okay.
Now, obviously common sense will say that they would care, right?
But as a from the viewpoint of the Day of Judgment, Allah azza wa jal
will not ask a woman, why her children went astray. And he will
not ask the woman why your husband went astray or earned unlawful
income. But he will ask the man those questions. Okay. And that's
a big deal. And that's why we have to be mature. And the young youth
out there, they got to be mature, you should be studying, working
and being adults, and get off the video games, which is now
extending into like, the 20s and 30s. And they're doing this
idiocy, so you got to grow up and be a man and just to earn a halal
income. Forget the idea of the religion of your of your family,
and all the responsibilities of being aware of what's going on in
society. Okay, being aware what's going on in society, forget about
that. Alright, just earning a hello income. Add to that. Now we
got to be aware of what's the impact of cell phones, what's
going on with youth culture, you got to be aware of all this. It's
almost another full time job. Okay. And I don't talk about you
know, teens, but I see my friends telling me about the teenage
years, and it's a whole nother ballgame and other worlds. He
continues, the more souls there are, the more this incitement is
likely to increase. Okay. That is why someone gave this excuse for
not marrying my own soul is a trial note. What he means here is
that the more souls that you're responsible for, right, the
greater the trial, you're responsible that your kids know
how to pray, they know how to eat or they're going out properly
dressed, they're having good friends, you are responsible for
this, okay? You're not responsible for their intention, but you are
responsible for giving it your best shot. And the more souls in
your household, the more duty you have. Okay, another man said, I
have difficulty taking care of my own Dean. That's why I'm not
taking on a wife or children. Alright, so again, if it's
contingent, a person doesn't matter.
For a contingent person purpose, that's permissible. And I said,
I'm gonna even discussing this, I don't think that there's any
significant number of youth out there, or people out there who
want to go down the path of celibacy. But at in his time, it
was a discussion that amongst the worshipers, it was a discussion
that was better to marry or not. And there were many worshipers who
didn't marry for those reasons, but it is it always goes back and
says it's far superior to marry than otherwise.
Lastly,
okay. Lastly, worldly distractions. All right.
It is said, the worship that you're upon, when you're single.
As soon as you get a job, cut it in half. As soon as you marry, cut
that in half, as soon as you have children cut that in half. And
that's what you're going to be left with. So if you are a single
bachelor, young guy,
take advantage of your time and woman. Take advantage of your time
and trying to draw near to Allah azza wa jal and purify your heart
now, because as soon as you get a job, cut it in half.
As soon as as soon as you're married, you're going to be even
more busy. And when you get kids it game is over. Right? Really,
the game is over, and you're just going to be drowning to stay
alive. Right praying, Aisha half asleep, gonna pray Fajr and the
whole apartment smells like urine, right? Because of the you know,
bassinets and baby carriages and whatever. Right? And, you know, it
becomes when you're in the cave of having few infants and have a
friends for some friends who are in that. And I remember being in
it myself, is just the all I could remember is just how much the
scent of urine is in your nose all the time and you become an expert
in urine. You know, this is 72 hour old urine. Alright, why
wasn't this diaper taken out? This is fresh urine, right? This sheet
was just recently wept. You know, and this in you become this very
expert in bizarre things. And you totally the mood of sitting down
and doing half of Quran or studying or doing vicar is just no
mood for that. It's noise, it's diapers, it's
rattles. And then when things are good, when the kid is clean, and
squeaky clean, and the house is clean, which lasts like an hour,
then the kid is so cute, you have to play with them. Right? You have
to play with them. And when you're done with that, and when you're
done taking care of the kid, and you came home from work, now
you're so exhausted, all you want to do is sit on the couch. So if
you're in that phase, if you're one of those young men, a woman
who just had babies, and you having one or two or three little
kids by three, you're already probably an expert. But one until
you have to know it is understandable in the sight of
Allah azza wa jal that your worship and a bad and seeking
knowledge will go down really low. But you have to know how much
reward isn't taking care of your child, and then your other spouse
who's exhausted from taking care of the child, right. And your
reward really becomes in that more so than an actual individualized
worship. So you have to understand that Allah knows best. And he
opens avenues. And earlier in this book, you remember that he notes,
some narrations that said that the two records from the man who's
married and has dependents is superior in the sight of Allah
than the whole night of worship for a single person, right? It's
not even a comparison. Right? So this is the heavy burden of this
stuff. And it's very important for us because if we're if most of us
are going to survive the modern onslaught, we have to embrace this
idea of marriage and children and deal with it, and and come to
enjoy it and come to love it and come to realize how much blessing
is in it. At the same time, there's going to come a time when
these kids start becoming more independent, and you get your time
back, right. And that's when you can recoup and get back to, to
some knowledge. But I'm telling you, if you never did it when you
were single, it's going to be extremely difficult for you to do
it when you're having a job married and having kids. So if
you're single, take advantage of it now. Right and learn the
disadvantages of marriage which we just mentioned, so that you can
take advantage of your single life while you're still single.
Alright, so that's the section here. That brings us to an end of
this section. We can
take any questions, if anyone has any comments or questions. We
could open it up for that now.
All right, so we got a question from remplir says so we can't
leave them and inheritance. The answer for inheritance is that a
Muslim and does not inherit from the non believer? That's the
answer to your question. And vice versa doesn't happen. You don't
give them inheritance nor take inheritance, but a person can
leave 1/3 of their wealth to non inheritors. Right. So, my because
that's a good question. Let's say I'm almost I convert to Islam. And
I have four sons, three of them convert to Islam, and one doesn't,
right. So three of them will inherit, the fourth one will not
be an inheritor. But Allah knows best you can ask if lucky.
But 1/3 of your wealth can go to non inheritors. So can 1/3 go to
that to your non believing son. Right? From what I know the answer
is yes. But ask a couple other folks
about that. And if he even says that much, there are two types of
scholars, there's the much the head who derives the rulings
directly from himself. And there is the fapy, who studies the HD
heads of other scholars.
All right, Kareem even Skander says, ALLAH SubhanA which Allah
says he will enrich married couples Very good point. No one
should not marry at a fear of impoverishment province I sent him
said marry and Allah will and Allah says in the Quran, Sophia,
Nico Mala. Min probably Allah will enrich you from what he has cozia
says, Is it true that a husband is not required to pay for Islamic
courses for his wife, the husband is required to educate his wife in
Islam, that's an obligation. Okay, it's an obligation. I've been told
that he's only required to pay her food, shelter and clothing
nonsense. He has to educate her in or he has to facilitate her
learning of Sharia.
First of all,
he mimetic is very sensitive about this in Matic effect, and you can
actually put me on sword if a man if a woman talks to her if a woman
talks to her husband, and he turns his back and ignores her without
cause that this itself is ground for as considered a form of abuse
and grounds for divorce. So the idea of making your woman
miserable, right, itself is a problem. So someone who's going
and given me a list that you owe her two cups of rice, that you owe
her a cup of water a day? Don't be ridiculous, what books are you
studying? Okay, because
ematic effect, right?
It's considered abuse, if she's made to be sad. Even for children,
it's considered abuse to force feed them, to force them to eat
something that they don't want to eat is considered abuse. Right? So
the idea of abuse in the household is extremely a low threshold. It's
not a high threshold, it's a low threshold. So even just the idea
of having a reasonable request, and then being unhappy, making the
spouse unhappy in the house. That's part of what we have to do
here, right is make sure that people in the house as the Quran
says, this household is made for Sakina for you, right?
The marriage is made for Sakina. So if you're upset, then you're
not having secure. And if the request is reasonable, it should
be seen too. Would that mean her religious knowledge is primarily
obtained from her partner? Yes, primarily, her partner should be
her teacher. If he has knowledge, well, why are you going to go
study with some other guy when I'm right here? Right? So that's the
one thing, but if there is a reason for her to go, and you
don't have the knowledge, then she can study with someone else.
Right? And what should she do if he has limited knowledge yet study
with someone else? And why don't you go to robata. And you got
someone like Tim are great. She's a sister. She's a woman who's a
scholar, so you're not going to be worried? Oh, she's getting very
close to the chef. Yeah, I would, I would have a problem with that,
like getting too close. You know, at least find a chef who's an old
man.
Ibrahim Khan says, Dear said, Whoa, when do we know that we are
ready for marriage?
When you you can't stand being single anymore, right when you
have income and you're capable of taking care of another
another person?
You know, also, how can I become a polite person as I think my habit
of taunting might affect my marriage in the future? I mean,
you're asking the wrong person. I'm not really polite person
myself, but the
only answer is Mary. Okay. And when you keep having bad
experiences, and she keeps being miserable, you'll learn your
lesson.
Ibrahim Khan says, Can you also tell us how can we purify our
hearts when we are unmarried?
First of all on the purification of the heart is something I don't
really want to talk about because it's a massive subject, which I
would feel like a monastic speaking about it. But the
purification of the heart really occurs and because at the moment
as it talks about this with interaction with others, when you
interact with other people, you realize how much junk you have in
here, how much junk you have in here, okay? And the actual act of
purifying your heart has to do with emptying your stomach and
doing much vicar of Allah azza wa jal. That's really the summary of
it. And I think the best is it goes memorize the Quran, because
once you've memorized, you can recite it anywhere at all times.
Right? There's just the idea that you can recite three or four
jewels on your own on the drive in the car, in bed before you sleep
because the prophets I seldom used to recite Quran laying down so
it's permissible, right? It's very purificatory for the heart. I
don't know if purificatory has a word but now it is. Okay.
Fatima bint Abdullah says Subhan Allah may Allah grant our men
understanding does a woman have to always ask permission from her
husband in order to go out the husband as he is responsible for
her safety and her Deen does have the right to ask her not to go
out. That is his right? If she's going somewhere that there is a
potential harm that he sees, he does have that right. Okay. And of
course, it should be been maruf been maruf is the is the phrase
which means in a good way. Because at the same time, the husband and
the wife have the right to be happy in their life, you got to
remember this is an at will agreement. And at will agreement,
I am at will giving you these rights and being answerable to you
and these responsibilities. And you are at will also giving me
these rights and being answerable to me on these. So there are
rights and responsibilities, but both parties are coming at will if
you're in business, you know what an at will agreement is means that
anytime either one could leave, okay, if the woman wants to leave,
if she's unhappy, that's enough of a reason she gives back to the
dowry. If he abused her or he stopped praying or he gets on
drugs, she doesn't have to give the dowry, and she could just get
out of the marriage just like that. Okay. So courageous is how
do we talk to a husband who does very long prayers all day reading?
pseudos? How can I gently talk to him? He can ask his chef or his
influential person to talk to him that he would listen to, to talk
talk to him and to be
and to be
give him advice. Kareem says Assalamu Aleikum? What if the wife
has a bigger income than the husband? Does he still have to
provide her? The answer is yes, she could have a bigger income,
but she's got to pay for everything. Okay, you shouldn't
ever say look, you know, I'm eating and who pay for it, your
wife paid for it, let her have money, she can have money all she
wants, you got to pay for everything. Part of the marriage
deal is to live on the means of the husband. Right? That's part of
the deal. It's a contract, you're gonna He's gonna pay for
everything, but you're gonna live on his means. So if, if his income
is here, and you're used to an income that's here, right? And you
want to marry this guy, right? You got to accept that your livelihood
is going to be now here. Okay, your your way of life is going to
be now here.
Orlando Long time no see my brother. The story of Khalifa Omar
Abdullah and the brothers seeking advice his wife abusing him but
saw almost a wife abusing him. Okay, so he wants us to talk about
that at
all. But I was at home a man came to knock on his door to complain
about his wife.
He heard say no matter his wife, raising her voice on Alma. So he
turned back almost opened the door and said what is it? He said no,
no, it's nothing. He said tell me what is it? He said I came to
complain about my wife. But I heard your wife is louder than
mine. And America tab says she feeds us food. She cleaned the
house. She prepares our clothes. Shouldn't I have patients? Another
man came to Walmart and they were chit chatting. And he said I want
to divorce my wife
almost said why? He said there's no more love. He said where's
loyalty and responsibility? Right? Is everything built on love? It's
not not all built on love. Where's loyalty and responsibility? So
didn't you have like years before? What happened to that you throw it
out there
And there's responsibility. Right so where's she gonna go? You have
a married a woman you have five kids from her and then you divorce
her. What do you want to do her? Her to do with herself? Right? So
one of the buses are interested what the rest of the sections are
about the rest of the sections. You're gonna have to get them from
Safina online. Insha Allah, we're slowly launching in the launch
this week is the lives of Man series. Right and events, right
the lives of Man series this week.
xanthum Lussier says, Can the husband restrict away from meeting
her family? He again, he can restrict her from leaving the
house, if he sees that there's a reason. Like, for example, it's in
a dangerous part of town and he doesn't want to go in there or
it's a flight away. It is wonderful. But he cannot restrict
the father and mother from visiting him. Right? He can't
close the door on the father and mother of his wife. He must let
them in, at all times, Orlando's his sisters and brothers having
hangups about age, although some, the husband can provide everything
physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Yeah, I mean, age is flexible, as he says, Does the husband have to
tell the wife where he's going?
The answer is no. It technically he does not. But yes, from the
aspect of again, remember what the Quran says marriage is about
Sakina both parties should be happy and at peace. So if you
break that, right, then it's you're not going to get a good
result.
What is the DEF? Rami Salah says? Are there any books on the fifth
of marriage that you can recommend? Yeah, there's a lot of
books. Any fifth book has a section on marriage. And there are
a marriage this book by a member of as Edie is a good book to have.
And there are a lot of other books back when I was younger, okay,
awareness. Maqsood book was out there. I can't remember. I don't
know if it's still in print. But But okay, uh, where's Massoud? Has
that book
Ibrahim Khan says what is the definition of a complete man and
husband in Islam?
I
don't specifically, you know, have come across that phrase a complete
men are incented cannon. Right, the more Sooners that a person
piles on and the more discouraged acts that they stopped doing, the
more complete that they become.
One of the buttons says, so back to the Hadith, Orlando mentioned,
is it the same for a woman if she wants to leave a marriage? Because
there is no more love? Yes, it goes both ways. Right? It does go
both ways that it goes for a woman to that.
What about responsibility? What about
the loyalty shamila. But it's not the same? Because a woman is a man
is not the dependent of his wife. Right? So show me a rally earlier
says surely women have women have the same responsibilities.
If you want to know the or the both sides have the responsibility
to make sure that household is a place of peace and happiness. If
you want to call up physical responsibilities, the only
physical responsibility that a woman has towards her men is she
makes her physical herself physically. Right? her body and
her companionship available to her husband.
When you want to talk about the material, that's the only
responsibility on her.
Right? The material responsibility is to make her hers physically and
her companionship and her body available to her husband. In other
words to keep that he could keep her company. Okay and right have
physical relations on the man though? No. He's got a lot more
responsibilities in this that pertains to this life and the next
life.
Nan says, salam, can you give prophetic advice on how to
increase Sakina in our house? Yes, you can take the advice of Imam
Ahmed or one of the other Imam said whenever my wife gets angry,
I just appease her and whenever I get angry, she just appeases me.
And if there it takes two people to argue if one gets angry, the
other just stops it you can't be too angry people at the same house
at the same time. So whenever there's pushed from one side, the
other gives back, right pulls back. Okay? And if you want to be
smart, and you're saying well wait a second, there's right and wrong
here. Right and wrong will never be rectified through an argument.
Right? This is just from experience. Okay, it will never be
rectified through an argument
Secondly, most spouses, they argue over theoretical stuff, political
positions, you know who's guilty of what? That has nothing to do
with day to day. I'm talking from the experience of everyone who've
I've ever heard. You just leave those things don't even argue.
Okay, so they think he's guilty. She thinks he's guilty. And I
think he's innocent. Right?
I think he's oppressed. And she thinks he's a male chauvinist.
Okay, fine. Whatever, leave it.
She thinks football is dumb. And I think it's cool. Okay, fine. Good.
No problem. No problem at all.
She thinks romantic comedies are worth time. And I don't, okay,
fine. If it's going to take two hours to make your wife happy and
let her be happy. It's their problem. So you have to have that
attitude of just let it go. Right? Yeah, as long as it's not in the
deen, let it go. Not an issue. And that's the advice that Imam
Muhammad gave. I'm not gonna say here. I'm the expert. But that's
I'm acting upon that. I'm trying to act upon that. And we should
all be trying to act upon that. I actually hate marriage advice, and
childbearing advice. Because unless you're 70, and you've been
married for 50 years, and all your kids are already married? Who are
you to give advice you haven't even lived? Right? All right.
Junaid had says How important is compatibility? And how do we find
out about it without meeting the person you gotta meet the person.
Right? You got is not a mail order spouse here, you got to at least
meet the person. All right, a couple of times, but you will
never know of 100% of compatibility. And here's the
here's the thing.
The people who are believers in the dating scene, they will tell
us, how can you Muslims meet the person three or four times and
then marry the person? Right?
Well, we say meet three, four times have an engagement of a
couple months. So more comes out of the person. And then you can
you'll know enough. Will they say no, we need to date for years and
live with each other. Well, this is my argument back. You can know
a person 1,000%, right.
Hey, guess what, in life, people are going to change in the future
anyway. You could know someone 1,000% And you and they say the
same for 10 years, then all of a sudden, they go unemployed and
they become some extremist, or the opposite. They just did get some
new friends, right. And they change their tastes in everything.
And they become a different person because some new neighbor moved in
and he befriended him and he changed. There was a guy. And this
is actually a documentary. There was a guy in the middle of life.
He got laid off. So we got another job. He got another job that
required him to drive 90 minutes to work and 90 minutes back that
the guy became a hardcore he was from a regular regular guy, he
became a hardcore right wing, almost like extremist. Why guess
why talk radio on the commute. Because it's known at least in the
East Coast, I don't know about the other places that the right wing
control the radio, and the left wing controls the TV except for
Fox. So he kept listening to guys like Rush Limbaugh. And these
other guys, 90 minutes going 90 minutes coming. It transformed him
in the middle of his life, to the point that he ended up getting a
divorce from his wife and his kids hate him. So you can know someone
1,000% They're going to change, right? Guaranteed people will
change. So the idea of knowing someone 1,000%, before marrying
them, it's a false idea. You're only going to know a person to, to
a degree, if you know the fundamentals about the person.
Nothing funny has come up in the engagement, you took references
you asked around, that's the best you could do.
Compatibility, in my opinion, the more things you have in common,
the easier the marriage, that means your parents are of similar,
similar backgrounds, similar tastes and things similar, even
ethnicity write this, if it's similar, it's easier. It doesn't
mean that it has to be, but it's a fact of life. It's easier. If 90%
of the things in life are the same. Right? Then there's going to
be less causes of friction and easier life. That doesn't mean
that we're advocating against inter ethnic marriages, but I'm
just saying it's easier.
All right now, Yan Aasif says can you please explain the wisdom
behind only allowing a man to divorce his husband and not being
allowed the other way around? Now we said that that's not the case.
A woman is allowed to seek a hula from her husband, even if she's
just unhappy, but she must give back the dowry. She entered the
marriage with a dowry she exits the marriage with a dowry
As the Prophet SAW, I suddenly received the complaint of a woman.
And she's mentioned in the Quran, in which she simply said, I have
no complaints about the man but I fear, Cofer, meaning I'm so
miserable in life, that my Eman will go down because of this, and
I will hate the man. Okay. The prophesy centum said, Did he give
you anything in the marriage? She said, Yes, he gave me a little
garden. He said, Give it back. And then he called the man he said now
divorced her. So
this is actually one of the sort of misunderstandings regarding
marriage. Next question says, Who is responsible for the wife's
higher educational costs, if she chooses to pursue it?
Education, it's the responsibility of a husband to educate the wife
as would be the level of her peers. Okay, if she wants to go
above and beyond, then that's just something that she that he's not
responsible for. And they should if she is, if she she wants him to
be, they should have discussed that before. So if all of her
peers are college educated to a certain level, and he marries her,
the expectation is he will then complete to take her up to be
equal to her peers. So if all of her peers are doctors and PhDs,
and it's before getting married, it's told to him, you're expected
to continue her education and pay for that, then he has to write.
But if it just comes in her mind, I actually I want to do a second
PhD, then it's not his responsibility. However, again, I
go back to the same common sensical point that
the concept is about marriage is for Sakina. Both sides should
apply common sense and make each other happy. This is the only way
to live. There's not that's not a specific rule. It's a general
rule. Okay? Because otherwise you're just not going to be happy.
Right.
All right. So I think that's
I think that's a wrap. We'll stop here. That is the fourth part of
this series. The rest of them you'll have access to them later
on through Safina online. So just come along here. And hopefully
we'll see you soon again.