Shadee Elmasry – Rights of Husbands & Wives
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
One last
thing
wife is watching that
she be provided the react like shelter, a bare minimum on
shelter. And when he finds that a bare minimum amount of food when
he finds that a bare minimum amount of clothing when he finds
that, right, so there's no two people who are like a happy couple
and the woman's like, Oh, my husband, so wonderful. He writes
me a check for rent, and the specific discrete amount of money
for food, and like a discreet like, or like a coupon for like
the shop, right? So that I can get a certain amount of food. And like
he buys me two pairs of clothing every year on the same date.
That's not how like a real marriage works. There's nobody
who's happy like that, right? And there's definitely you know,
and I want to warn parents that there are discussions regarding
the relationship between a husband and a wife, if you feel that the
children are sensitive and shouldn't hear them, this may be a
time to like, take them out to lunch, or for ice cream or
something like that. So there's a fair warning and a couple of
minutes, it's gonna go there. So you know, you should, you should
be forewarned, and then make your decision on your own. But, you
know, whatever the rights that husband has over the wife, you
know, that the husband, you know, say that, Oh, my wife is
wonderful, because whenever I demand X, Y, and Z, she always
fulfills that demand at the time is demanded at the place that is
demanded. Human beings don't function like that, right? And
reality, human beings don't function like that. And I think
one of the one of the, one of the most
one of the most practical things that I've heard that that
makes me understand what a real marriage is, rather than what the
legal
definition of rights and responsibilities in marriage are,
that you receive from a fifth book is a snippy thing that they see
people say all the time, there's an expression in order to me IBV
Razi caca Kasi, if the husband and wife are pleased with each other,
then the judge doesn't have a case to rule on. If the husband and
wife are pleased with one another, then the judge the judges opinion
is irrelevant. Why because the judge's opinion is only relevant
when the case comes to him. But if you can work out your issues on
your own and be happy the way you are, then that's great, you know,
if the husband raises the children, and the wife has a job
and works, if the you know if the husband and wife have relations
every day of the week, or if they have once a year, or if they don't
have them at all, or if the, you know, the husband cooks half the
time, the wife cooks half the time, or the wife cooks all the
time where the husband cooks all the time, or whatever
configuration that's there, as long as it doesn't involve doing
something that's explicitly haram. What a successful marriage is, is
defined by what two people agree upon a successful marriage being
and whatever makes you happy. That's good for you. And frankly,
it's nobody else's business afterward. It's nobody else's
business afterward. So much so to the point that
I've heard this from the Allama. And my study of the Hadith of the
Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam doesn't show me anything to the
contrary, that even the messenger of allah sallallahu alayhi salam
did not used to intervene between two married people.
He did not use to intervene between
two married people how I mean, he would intervene in the sense that
if there was a problem and some people came to him and asked for
his advice, how to make it work out or how to request for him then
he would try to make things work out. But he never commanded. For
example, there's this the Hadith regarding
I believe her name is
Mira radula, down and she was a woman who was a slave who got her
freedom. She was a slave and she was married to she was slave
woman. She was married to slave men. And she got her freedom. And
when she received her freedom, her husband was still a slave. And in
our sacred law, obviously, slavery is not there anymore, but there's
a time that it was practiced. And when a slave woman receives her
freedom and her husband is a slave, she has an option to she
does she can she stayed with him? Where could she leave him that
dissolve that marriage at that point? And so she chose she chose
to dissolve her marriage, she was free, she no longer wanted to stay
married to a man who was a slave. And so she left him and so he was
heartbroken. And he went to the Messenger of Allah salAllahu Salam
and said, You're absolutely right. You know to convey tell her to get
back with me tell her to like not, you know, cut me off like that.
And so the NABI SallAllahu Sallam told her, you know, like, Wouldn't
it be good if you got back together with him again?
and she asks you some era Sula? Is this, is this a command? Or is it
just a suggestion?
Meaning what, like, if it's a command at a restaurant, you know,
I hear and I will be, and I'm not gonna say anything and I'm, I'm
pleased with what you command me to do. But if it's a suggestion,
I'd rather not be upset. It's a suggestion that she said she said,
Yeah, I'd rather if it's my choice, I'd rather not be with
him. And there are a number of there are a number of instances
like that, that you will find where the even the messenger of
allah sallallahu alayhi salam, and maybe you Oh, La Nina mean and
fusi him was Raju, OMA Hatoum, the Prophet salallahu alayhi salam has
more right over the believers than they have over themselves, and his
wives are like their mothers. So then why is it going to be it
sought to summer mothers, and to describe the nebi Salah sons right
over us as the right of a father over his children is, even though
the right of a father of his children is great, but to describe
the prophets, a lot of sons right over us, like the right of a
father of his children is itself it falls short of what his mom is,
even then he chose not to intervene between husbands and
wives.
He chose not to intervene between husbands and wives. If you're a
man and a woman, you your bond between one another is something
sacred, it's something unique. And really, other people don't have a
business to get in the middle of it. In fact, there's a Hadith of
the Prophet salallahu Salam. And this is mentioned in the neural
validate, it's mentioned in this book as well. And the context,
it's mentioned, we'll get to, but it's mentioned that Shavon has a
throne, and he has a court. And just like there's a hierarchy
amongst the angels. There's also a hierarchy amongst the shouting.
And the shaytaan has its throne in its court, and he sits amongst all
the shouting, he seats at the end of the end of the day, or at the
end of the shift, causing havoc in the world. He seats the shape on
that cause the biggest, the biggest problem that created the
biggest havoc in the world, he seats that shape I'm closest to
him. And so what happens the shouting will come in front of him
and say there's a police we did so and so so we messed up, this
messed up that we call the fight and cause the war because this
that and that happened. He's like, God, this is nothing, it's not a
big deal. Then Then Then when a shape arm comes in and says I
caused the husband and wife to break up, she thought it was the
happiest is this one, you did something good come sit next to
me.
Meaning that the the evil separating between a man and a
wife, okay, the evil, making problems between man and a wife is
really big evil. And we don't think of it as such, because we're
like, we live in a very materialistic world. And like,
people get together and separate. Like, it's not a big deal. We live
in a world where it's United is not considered a crime. It's not
even considered immoral anymore.
Zina is not really a problem. They're kind of there. Even in
this country, there are places where you prostitution is legal.
It's not even illegal in all parts of this country. And there are a
lot of people who really wouldn't object to it. And morally if it
wasn't made illegal, universally, perhaps even even a majority of
the people in this country wouldn't object to it, if push
came to shove. And so because we're desensitized to it, we don't
think of it as a big deal. But if you think of it rationally and
logically, the amount of facade that enters into society because
of
a man and woman who are married to each other breaking up, it affects
their kids it affects their parents it affects both of their
lives it affects their economic productivity affects their mood,
it opens the door for both of them to be exposed to deny the door it
opens like a lot of door for a lot of evil right even in the in the
Quran, right.
To shout Dino Allah Mookie Suleiman, right that the
Bundesliga was one of the things that Allah Allah
chaste chastise them for is that instead of following the teachings
of the MBIA who sought to Assam, they follow the teachings and
considered a religious teaching, the black magic that they learned
from the gins that used to serve say, the Solomon Allah His salon.
Right, and the black, the black magic that was taught to them as a
as a talk to humanity as a punishment by the two angels, the
two Fallen Angels how to turn model right, this interesting
story that there there were two angels that we were sent to the
fifth on the people of Babel.
To tell it to because of their wickedness they were a fitna for
that people a punishment for that people that they started teaching
them, the black magic, the Black Arts, and the thing one of the one
of the things they taught them that was mentioned specifically in
the Quran is what may have been a BB bail, but he was OG he right
that how you how you can separate between a man and a woman, husband
and wife, I should say. Right? And it's specifically mentioned why
because why would it be specifically mentioned it
specifically mentioned because of how
Evil it is because of how evil it is that this is the extent of the
evil of what the, what they were taught that the bundle is trying
to preserve that knowledge of that black magic that came through how
to to model punishment on the people of Babel. And they preserve
that. And it's so bad that it even includes that black magic even
includes how to break up the husband and the wife, which is is
sufficient in terms of how evil it is. So just like for example, a
person who comes to a child, and or to a person and poisons their
mind against their parents and tells them to disobey and to treat
your parents badly, or a person comes to the parents and poisons
their mind against their children. Just like that poison someone's
mind or to encourage them to treat their their spouse badly, or to
stink bad of their spouse, it's very evil, it's very horrible. So
coming back to this idea of how you're going to have a
relationship that works is that you just use you have to be
pleased with each other. And that's a very human endeavor,
that's going to be very different. Based on the personality of the
husband, the personality of the wife, some people have very
similar personalities. And so the way they reach resolution with
each other is she looks like one thing. Some people have very
opposite personalities, the way that they'll reach resolution with
one another is another thing. And some people, you know, frankly,
there's there's very little or perhaps no chance of them
resolving with one another. And then the shutdown,
basically teaches that in those specific few cases that they
should part ways with one another. But even in the parting ways,
there's some sort of
harmony in the sense of that we're commanded to sacral Bill maruf, or
tacitly humbly so that when you when you
when you stay with each other, when a husband holds on, holds on
to a woman as his wife, that he should do so in a good way. And if
he lets her go, meaning that divorce happens, he should do it
and also in a beautiful way, right that you should part ways, you
know, in an amicable way, you should part ways amicably it
shouldn't be like the partition of India and Pakistan that like a
million people are getting killed going one way or the it's not the
total catastrophe where you that's not allowed in our Shediac that's
not the commandment of Allah is whistle, salallahu Alaihe Salam,
even if divorce is permissible to even the act of separating from
one another, it should be done in a manner that reflects
this, this this commandment toward harmony and a harmonious
relationship between between a husband and a wife. Now, there's a
couple of things I'm gonna say that are going to be I don't think
they're unreasonable. I think they're very reasonable. And I
think a person who's fair, in their judgment should understand
what the reasonability is. But that being said, they're
definitely not,
not not concepts that are going to go over well with
contemporary sensibilities, especially with regards to
the way society sees gender or as blind to gender, I should say, or
to contemporary notions of political correctness. All I can
say is that,
you know, I'll try to bring the text of the Quran and the text of
the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi, salam, to back
whatever I say that may be a little bit awkward for people to
hear, and then afterward a person has an issue with it, let them
know that the issue is not with what's being said but the issue is
at a deeper level with with having to, you know,
be comfortable with what Allah and His resource a lot looser than
say, and working on that issue. And so, the first thing I wanted
to say is that the Quran describes the husband as a one
that originally were Munna Allah nisab. Allah Allahu Bhabha.
The Awami of the husband means that the husband has
in the in the relationship,
and that the relationship is indeed hierarchical. The
relationship is indeed what is hierarchical. It's not a
relationship of equality, even if it is a relationship of equitable
terms. It's not a relationship of equality, that the husband has a
mom over his wife. And this is what by the text of the Quran and
the text of the the Sunnah of the Prophet salallahu Salam as well.
And the Quran
sorry, the Hadith of the Prophet salallahu alayhi salam, it's
inescapable this conclusion from the text of the Hadith for
example, there's a hadith of the messenger of allah sallallahu
alayhi. Salam that was that.
If Lo, lo is that like when pigs fly if if pigs fly like it's not
gonna happen, but if it were to happen, right, so for example, the
nebula, MVA said if there was no canopy and body Locanda Amara, if
there were to be
that'd be after me. And the if that's used here indicates that
it's impossible that there'll be an epi after him some a lot so um,
but if there would have been that'd be after me, it would have
been Omar
Hadith of the Prophet saw some. So the same is used that if I were
to, if I were to command a person, one human being to make such that
to another human beings, I would have commanded a wife to make
sense that to her husband. Now you have to understand what does this
mean that this is a NetCDF? Joe hate. This is the NABI who comes
at a time that there's no one who opposed her hate in the world.
He's the only one and he's the only one who is going to be upheld
with until the oral piano. So for him to say that, that if I were to
command, one human being to x such that to another, what does that
mean? Now Bialystock is not throwing around this expression
lightly. It's very serious matter. What did he say? I would have
commanded a wife to make such that in front of her husband.
There's another Hadith of the messenger of allah sallallahu
alayhi salam ASYE Hadith of the messenger of allah sallallahu
alayhi salam in which he was asked what is the HAP to the right of
husband over his wife. And the right of the husband over over the
wife was what the right of the husband over the wife and Abby saw
Sam said was that, that if he had a wound, and the wound was
festering, and the only way to clean it was for her to lick it
clean with the blood and the pus and all of that, that the only way
is for her to lick it clean that if he if she if she did, so that
was that would be his right.
What does this mean? Okay, you have to understand this in
context, right? What does this mean, just like when we said in
the discussion regarding parents, that as a parent, you a lot to
Allah didn't give you children, because he wanted you to take
benefit from slave labor. Or that he just said here, here's another
person, just this is my gift to go run him into the ground if you
want to, rather as massive and as
just enormous
as that commandment for the children to show respect and honor
to their parents is just in that same way is the responsibility of
the parents to do what's best for the children in their dunya and in
their era.
Okay, just like that, in the marriage,
as huge as this respect, and this honor, that is due to a husband
from his wife is just as huge as the, the expectation from a lot of
Allah for which he sob and which account will be taken.
Just as huge as that expectation is from Allah subhanaw taala that
for which account will be taken. The expectation is that he does
what's best for her that he treats her with honor and he treat her
with dignity. And this is expressed by the Prophet salallahu
Alaihe Salam over and over again in his life, right, including in
his farewell Hajj that he went he told the people the men to fear
Allah Subhana Allah to Allah with regards to the women that are
under the under the control of their husbands meaning one that we
can shout equal rights. Under the law and court protections and
domestic violence laws and punishments as all of that we
chopped out we're blue in the face. The fact of the matter is
what is that a husband has a certain certain power over his
wife that cannot be legislated over away and that he will be able
to do certain things because of this hierarchical relationship
that he's been given. And he needs to fear Allah subhanaw taala with
regards to that relationship, because if he abuses it a lot
Allah will take him to task regarding the NABI SallAllahu
Sallam in his farewell Hajj he reminded the ummah of this. And
and, and he reminded the men specifically not to abuse this,
this, this this authority that a lot invested in them, whether a
person acknowledges it or not, it's still there. It's still there
still exists. Even if a husband and wife weren't completely equal,
et cetera, et cetera, you'll see still still the that a woman will
still sacrifice from herself for her husband. Even if she's not
doing so.
Consciously, she will still show this level of submission to her
husband.
Whether it's conscious or unconscious, and to abuse that as
a man is one of the most despicable and lowlife things that
a person can do.
And you know, political correctness and like modern
theories about gender and all these things are so far from the
fitrah they're so far from the fitrah I'll tell you what the
fitrah is right? The Messiah of the Indian subcontinent, the
Messiah of of,
you know, Dean, the people when they would write poetry with
regards to the mighty fan the love of Allah subhanho wa Taala right
they would refer to themselves in the feminine gender right in
English, the when you refer to yourself, me and i There's no
gender assigned
to read, but in order to do when you refer to yourself, there's a
different way to refer to yourself, if you're a man in a
different way to refer to yourself as a woman, so they would refer to
themselves when speaking about a lot to Allah and the feminine
gender. Why? Because they had doubts regarding their whatever
the because the old machine or gender fluid people, no, it has
nothing to do with any of that. Right? What is it? It's a
metaphor, it's a metaphor for complete submission.
Right that yeah, I love that I speak to you in a manner like
that, like a wife said this to her husband. Why? Because that's
something universal throughout throughout the human experience
that a woman respects her husband, and honors her husband and
understands just like a son understands that his respect in
his honor is tied to the respect and honor of his father, that a
woman understands that her respect as a woman is also tied to the
respectability of her husband as well. So what happens when I
mentioned this, this, maybe even some people in the crowd right now
may feel very uncomfortable, like, Oh, my God, who is this guy? What
is he talking about? Why is he saying all of this stuff? This is
his last time it comes to NBC blah, blah, blah, you know, this
may have been a shot, let's not but I mean, this is a very I
forget, I totally would understand, I wouldn't agree, but
I would totally understand if someone had this reaction, given
how we deal with these issues in America. And what I what I have to
say with regards to that, is that
the you know, and the specific objection that people have a lot
of people are going to be they won't be they won't be such that
they'll be like even at the Prophet saw some said it's, I'm
not going to believe it, right? Because that's quicker. That's
just, that's just even if a lot said that, I'm not going to
believe it, you know, we need to reinterpret the Quran. And that's
very few people are going to
come to the masjid on a Saturday morning, in order to say something
like that there are those types of people they usually don't, they're
not really ended the scene, they're doing something else right
now, that's a different crowd.
But what people will come and say, with great sincerity, and I don't
question that sincerity, and I've had when I've said this in public,
these types of things in public before people have come to me and
said, said, Look, we understand that the Quran says what it says
we understand that the Hadith says what it says, We even see some,
you know, we see the truth and what you're saying. But saying it
like that in in public will what it will empower men to abuse
women.
Why? Because the fact of the matter is, there are some men who
abuse their wives.
Okay, and there are some men who abuse their wives, and it's
particularly horrific. And maybe there are some women who who have
been abused at the hands of their husband. And when when I say that,
like you'll think about licking the wounds and you know, like
making such die and whatever it may be, someone will be able to
stand up and say, Look, I actually did that. And still my husband
abuse me. Right, and it hurts, it hurts inside. What did we say from
before? What did we say from before? We said that you have to
understand the rule. Okay. The exception, the mind fixates on the
exceptions, it's human nature, the mind is fascinated by exceptions
and fixates on the exception. And American culture perhaps teaches
us to fixate on the exception more than other cultures do. Okay, the
mind is fascinated and fixated on fixates on exceptions and is
fascinated with exceptions. However, the exception doesn't
teach you about the rule A and D, it doesn't negate the rule. The
rule is what happens 99% of the time it will give you it will give
you a good outcome. And there are certain there are certain
exam, just extraordinary circumstances that caused the rule
not to be not to be something that should be followed that are the
exception. And in those circumstances, you know, then the
exception comes into play. Okay, who here says His job is to say I
worship Jesus Christ? Nobody? What if someone put a gun to your head
and say, I worship Jesus Christ or blow your brains into the NBI sea
floor, then it all of a sudden becomes permissible? Right? So
what if someone were to come to you and say, Hey, I don't think
you should tell people not to say I don't worship Jesus Christ.
Because what if someone came with a gun and put pointed to my head
and said, and you're just gonna cause someone to die? Right? Why
do you say pork? Don't say pork? is haram publicly? Why? Because
maybe someone will be starving to death. And they'll remember what
you said that you said frog was haram and they'll die whereas in
that situation that should have eaten them. Right. So the argument
that what to say these mentioned these Hadith and these teachings
of Islam that are very foundational teachings of the
deen, okay, very foundational teachings of the deen to say that
no mention them in public because you empower men to abuse women is
is along the same lines of reasoning. Okay, that it's along
the same lines of reasoning that you're that there's a fixation
fixation with the exception. And
that fixation is to the detriment of the rule, the detriment of the
teaching the learning of the rule. Now, this is a very abstract
concept to mention. If there's someone who says no, look, my
husband beat me. My husband did this to me, my husband, because
for that person, that's not the exception. That's there.
Their only experience, you understand what I'm saying? And so
that's not, you know, I wouldn't be like, Look, Sister put your
feelings aside and, you know, try to understand what I'm saying, I
would just feel bad, I would feel horrible. I'd be like, Look, I'm
sorry, I didn't mean to bring it up, I didn't mean to hurt your
feelings, because human being you're dealing with you understand
what I'm saying? But, again, they're competing, right? You
know, right, you have to balance them. If you're talking to one
person or in a room with one person, then maybe it's
inappropriate to bring these things up. Because you know, it's
gonna hurt the feelings of somebody who, you know, for whom,
you know, what you're saying is completely alien to their context.
But when we gather here, and this gathering here is not a personal
gathering, this gathering here is a gathering of knowledge. Right?
We must establish first what the rule is. And the rule in our study
is what is that whatever the American court system tells, and
whatever the university and the culture teaches us, the fact of
the matter remains that what Allah subhanho wa taala, has made this a
hierarchical relationship, that the husband has great rights over
his wife,
and the wife and fulfilling those rights and, and
respecting her husband, and respecting the position of her
husband over her that she will, she attained great spiritual
benefit in that, okay. And that actually brings us to what it
brings us to the context, even in spirituality, which is a book
ostensibly on a different topic, with regards to the discussion of
who has the most right over a man is that his his mother or his
father, right? In in that chapter, that's where it's mentioned.
That's where it's mentioned in this in this book in that chapter
is where to mention what that as for a woman who has more more
right over her, it's neither, it's her husband.
It's neither it's her husband. And so if, for example, a woman who's
married, her father tells her to do something, and her mother tells
her to do something else, and her husband tells her to do something
else. She has to prioritize her what her
what her husband says over that what your parents say. And this is
one of the reasons that a man and men must have supreme respect for
his father in law and for his mother in law, supreme respect for
his father in law and his mother in law. Why? Because they raised
they raised their daughter, they paid for her upbringing, they gave
her everything that she has, they are the source of her physical
beauty, they are the source of her good. They are the source of her
refinement in her education, they are the source of everything that
the husband is going to enjoy
in living with such a wonderful person together. And they are the
ones at the end of the day that they're giving, they're giving the
rights of all of those things up to to this man. Okay. Second
thing, this also should bring into the minds of
women who are seeking marriage, as well as the parents of sisters who
are seeking marriage, which is what if the rights of the husband
are so
like superlative? Really? Right? Literally their superlative
meaning that a woman, there's no human being that that is owed
respect, like her husband is you better be very careful who you
know who you choose to be a husband, okay, because you're
gonna marry him just because he's good looking, or you're gonna
marry him just because he has money.
You know what I mean? That's not That's not that may be a bad
decision. That may be a bad decision. You want to be very
careful who you who you accepted marriage. And that's, that's
literally what happens because when a woman gets married, three
of the format hubs consider the marriage to be invalid if it's
not, if it's not contacted on behalf of the bride, by her Wali,
by her lawful guardian, which if the father is alive, it is the
Father. And if the if the other male relatives from the
patrilineal line are alive, if the father is not alive, then they
have the they have the right to be her legal guardian and if a woman
is convert to Islam, then
if a woman is a convert to Islam, then it will be whoever the father
or Allah MA or the people of status in the masjid. So I would
say like the Imam of the masjid if he's a God fearing knowledgeable
person, through the format have say that without the without the
consent of the Wali, the the match is not not valid right Imam Abu
Hanifa says it's valid but the Sunnah way of doing it, the proper
way of doing it is still to have the the Wali consent to the
marriage why? Because
you know, if I were having this talk with my daughter, to be very
frank, I would tell her look, you know, men are not
Super good people,
some are better than others. Okay, and unfortunately, your father is
one of those people is not a super good person. And in this case, it
takes one to know one. So, you know, it's worth your while to
take my advice regarding who to marry. Why, because I can, I can
see who's a scammer and who's like, you know, really gonna love
you and take care of you and who's taking advantage of you and who's
responsible is not responsible.
And why because, because of the love, it takes one to know, one,
you know, so if nothing else, you know, I'll see you recognize
certain things in the first little bit of gas, something's not right
here, you understand, because I know who's who are, you know, as,
as you're wildly out, I'll be able to detect who's you know, who's at
what point in their life, morally and developmentally and
financially and spiritually and in their deen and their knowledge,
etc, etc. And who's motive seem to be in one direction. Now.
And I think that's really important, I think, because we're
going to talk about this, I guess, in the next session. So I don't
want to, I don't want to go into too much. But
you know, once once you get married to a husband, right, the
law is,
is such that, in order to separate from that person, it's very
difficult. And what happened, that person is over you is great. And
you don't want to submit yourself basically, to somebody who's a
loser or somebody who is going to have bad intentions. And this
happens oftentimes in marriages end in divorce, not the only thing
that happens that causes a divorce, but, and sometimes it
doesn't even end in divorce, it just ends and it just continues
and misery is that there's a woman who understands all of these
rights that I mentioned, with regards to treating a husband, and
the husband either doesn't understand them is oblivious to
them or understand them doesn't care and doesn't feel
responsibility. So he will use the rights that he has in the Shediac
as a way of tormenting his wife, just like sometimes parents use a
rights that they haven't shut ei as a way of tormenting their their
children, which is so totally haram. And all I can say is people
have to fear Allah subhanaw taala, that fire will be filled with
people like that, that have no regard for another person and
other people's rights on top of them. And all of those rights will
be fulfilled on the Day of Judgment. But it's just that what
remember, we talked about that there's an easy way of doing
things in the hard way of doing things, hurry up, finish your
prayer and go to your parents because you don't want them to
make dua against you, you know, you won't go to * for it. But
it will make your life in this world pretty atrocious. So just
don't, don't go there. Because you don't have to go the same way you
just, you know, I mean? All I can stress is that it's very important
to have a very holistic, a very holistic and a very
just eyes wide open approach to who you want to marry. Because
once you're with that person, then you're stuck with them. And the
only way out is divorce and divorce is not a good thing and
being stuck with someone who's going to make your life into a
living * is not a good thing either. Okay, so what are the
legal rights of the the husband over the wife, the legal right of
a husband over a wife is essentially the most basic, right?
That's the most specific and basic right is the right of relations,
that a husband has the right if he asked his wife to have relations,
and she's physically able to do so.
And, and she's lawfully able to do so physically, meaning that she's
not ill, it's not gonna cause her to become ill, or more ill than
she already is, or, you know, cause or some sort of physical
pain. And then the second, the second thing is that she's not in
her in her Mensis, which is haram to have relationship relations
between men and wife in menses, and there are certain also modes
of relations between a husband and a wife that are unlawful, that are
unlawful and those can be those can be discussed in Sharla
afterward as well, but as long as it's not in a way that's that's
haram in the Sharia, and that's good to cause physical harm to the
woman. It is her it is it is his his one specific right that he has
over her that when when asked that they have relations, but again,
what did we say Right? Just like a woman is not going to be like, you
know, a woman is not going to, you know, expect unhealthy
relationship to be like, Oh, husband,
give me my like, $546.42 for this month to like, buy their minimum
food and this much for my two pairs of clothing, one for the
summer and one for the winter. And like my, you know, like, whatever
this month for my part of the rent and things like that, just like
that, you know, a man has to know that you can just look it up in
the fifth book that Oh, you got to do this for me and then be like,
bam, I asked for it. Now you have to provide it doesn't work like
that human beings don't know and don't really, it just doesn't work
that way. Whoever thinks and does work that way. Whether you're if
you're not married, trust me, once you get married, you'll realize it
doesn't work that way. And even if even if the wife we're trying to
try to oblige you in that
manner it wouldn't be satisfying anyway. And the second thing is if
someone is actually married and still thinks they work that way,
it's you're suffering from a type of foolishness. I don't know what
like to just go see see, like a mental health professional because
it really doesn't work that way. Okay. So that's the specific right
that the husband has. And then the general right that the husband has
the wife should respect him, and all other and all other things,
although they're reasonable requests. Now, again, like I said,
you know, as a husband out there, don't ever go home to your wife
and say, Don't you know, use that grandson as an argument in your
favor? When you get into a into a marital argument? Say don't you
know, she had said this hadith and that hadith and this is the one
that I don't use the Quran, Hadith as a as just like a tool in your
arguments with other people for your knifes, right? Because Allah
knows, a lot knows best, right? Whenever you quote any of these
ayat, and these Hadith in your miracle arguments, the you know,
it will be used as a proof against you on the Day of Judgment, you
demand your right, absolutely, then you should fear that the
responsibility a lot Allah placed on your shoulders will be demanded
from you, absolutely none of us are going to be able to feel that
fulfill that responsibility.
But at the same time,
at the same time, there should be a good natured agreement. And
there's actually the last chapter with regards to the the bureau
while the dean is about Tao. And
a lot of commands that have mutual assistance rendered mutual
assistance to one another in matters of righteousness, and God
fearing this without a doubt.
One,
don't render mutual assistance to one another in matters of, of sin
and in matters of enmity with one another. And so basically, the end
of it is like, Look, if you're a parent, after seeing all this
stuff with the rights of the parents, or if you're a parent,
forgive your kids, or if they're having trouble fulfill your rights
system somehow. Forgive them, you know, don't don't bear don't
burden them with things. One of the elements, I mentioned that for
like several decades, 20 years, 30 years, something like that, I
never asked my son for anything out of fear that he would not, he
would not fulfill it or not be able to fulfill it and then he
would go to the fire because of that. That's a parent who truly
loves their child. Right? That in and of itself is like a reason
Allah will forgive people sins on the Day of Judgment. In that
sense, don't take the don't take the you know, the content of what
was said today as a bludgeon
in order to settle and score scores and arguments with one
another, rather, you know, understand what you understand
under the model of what we would mentioned in the morning session,
which is what the Sunnah of the Prophet saw the lesson that he
taught the Sahaba was what render unto others all of their rights
but don't force your rights from them, rather asking for your
rights to be fulfilled by Allah subhanaw taala and that's the
secret to keeping units together from breaking up, whether they be
families, whether they be nations, whether they be neighbors, whether
it be whatever, that you render other people their rights, and
whatever their rights are to you as much as you're able to don't
ask for them rather from from from the people that they're due from
rather ask from from Allah subhanho wa taala. So obviously,
if someone owes you 50 bucks, you know, they have the 50 bucks and
you need the money to pay rent, otherwise you'll be out of the
street, then go ahead, it's your right to ask Go ahead and ask, but
in general, whatever your rights are, you shouldn't be hard pressed
hard on people to render that head to to render them to you. Why
because it will cause relationships to break. Right? The
Sahaba of the law thought I'm gonna be solo so I'm taught them
this and they took this to painful extents. There's a hadith that
said
Tada radula Allah and who was a tough guy from the Ansara he was
like a hero like Jihad FISA beat Allah He was like one of the
champions of the of the Muslims, that during the reign of Satan
them while we are the Allahu anhu, during his caliphate, he went to
visit him in Damascus. And it's known that the the Ansara, the
lockdown on him almost to a man they all supported St. Ali in his,
in his in the political
disagreements between him and saying them Alia. So he goes to he
goes to Damascus and visited them while we are during his reign as
Khalifa send them out. It says to me, how come none of the Tsar ever
come to visit me? None of you come to visit you guys. Like all that's
all goofball boycotted me. And he says that we don't have any
camels. Seneca says we don't have any camels to ride to visit you.
And so he thought that was a strange answer. He says What do
you mean, what do you mean what happened to your camels? He said,
All of my all of the camels have the Ansari tired are tired.
They're tired. They can't ride them anymore because they're
tired. He says what are they tired from? He said they were tired of
they're tired of chasing your father, and then they're tired of
chasing you, meaning we fight against your father. I was with
Yan before he before he became Muslim at the end of the Prophet
SAW son's life right
And so we fought so many battles with them so we are camels were
first hired chasing your father then afterward they got tired
chasing you, meaning one that we thought was sitting idly against
you in your in your political disagreements. Right? And this is
the magnanimity I sent them out of the law Tada and who that look, he
wasn't like a dictator, right nowadays, if the dictators of this
of the ages that we live in, if you talk like that to them,
they'll have you killed or jailed or beaten or something like that,
you know, the, the hook you up to a car battery or something crazy
like that. Send them why we had this wasn't magnanimity that he
didn't. He didn't, he didn't say anything, or he didn't punish him
for that. Rather, he was still receiving graciously as a host.
And then he says that he says that our camels are tired from chasing
after you and chasing after your father. And he said, I'll tell you
another thing.
He said, I'll tell you another thing. He says, The messenger of
allah sallallahu Sallam told us that one day, this affair, the
affair of Islam will be placed in the hands of people who are not
worthy of it.
What is he trying to say? You're gonna have them right? They will
be placed in the people that are not worthy of it, meaning there
are other people who have more right to it than then the ones
whose hands it'll be in and said, the more we asked, and he said,
Then what did he say for you to do when that happens? And so
who said he said to us to be patient. And so at the same time I
sent him that Be patient.
Right, this this is not just a political preset, this is a
preceptor when it comes to right.
This is a precept precept that comes through. So don't use the
you know what we said today as a husband as a bludgeon against the
wife as a wife to be like, you told me to do this, you told me to
do that you did it completely for selfish reasons, you didn't carry
the Amana of, of this marriage properly, etc, etc. If one of the
two parties had a right to say one of those two things, the wife
would have more right to say to her husband, and the husband had
to say to him, but neither of you say why? Because once you push the
direction, the conversation in that direction, what do you do?
You're making a conscious step in the direction of of divorce.
You're and that's not what you want in lemon Shala? I mean, if
they're, if a woman, her husband is physically mentally
psychologically abusing her, then she should, then that's grounds
that's grounds for separation, right? But if it's just a thing,
like, you know, you have three children, you're together, but
things are not perfect. Guess what? That's the dunya nothing
that we're doing is perfect. And it's what you make out of it. You
know, if your husband doesn't treat you nicely, like there's
like a there's something smile. I feel like I'm silly mentioning it.
Because the reason I was asked here is to talk about the what a
line is whistle saw some said, right. But there was a special on
NPR
on what, on NPR, which is hardly a bastion of Islamic knowledge. And
they did a special on a game show, there's apparently something
called the Game Show Network. When I heard about that. I said, I'm
humbled. I don't have a television. But there's something
called a Game Show Network. And so they just have game shows all the
time. And they played agree runs of game shows, and whatever,
there's a game show on it. And the game show was like for married
couples whose marriage is not like what it used to be or what it
shouldn't be. And so what happens when one spouse complains about
the other one, unbeknownst to the other spouse, and they'll say
something like, Oh, my husband used to kiss me all the time, and
he doesn't kiss me anymore.
And so that's the premise of that week's game show. Okay? So they'll
set up the whole house with cameras, secret cameras, the wife
will sign a waiver, right, and set the whole house up with cameras.
And then they'll say, Good, you have 24 hours, and every time you
can get your husband to kiss you, you will give you $500. So it's
like, it's obviously there's many things wrong with watching
something like that. But the premise is, what is that is to
teach the spouse that the thing that they wanted from their
spouse, it's in their control to get it, but they have to give
something to get it to get that thing in return. Right. And that
sense of marriage is very much like politics. Right? It's like
it's a good politics, right? Not everything is politics is bad. So
it's like it's like politics in the sense that like the you know,
that woman you know, that week will be will do ridiculous things
she'll cook the the food that her husband like she she'll say the
things that she knows that will make him happy, she'll, she'll do
all of this stuff in order to get to get him to kiss her and get
$500 for it. And then afterward, hopefully, she learns that, okay,
like, if I want my husband to kiss me, then I should do certain
things for him also, and we can together make a choice to make our
life better. And really, this is this is like, they were
interviewing the woman who's a producer of the show. And they
asked her what have you learned from all of this? And she says,
You know, I can sum it up in one sentence. Ladies, it doesn't take
much to make a man happy. All you have to do is feed him and then
she said another word that starts with the same letter afterward.
That was
leapt out from the NPR interview.
Okay. And you know what? I was like? Dang it. If I said wearing a
turban and a beard. If I said this in a public forum, I would
probably be stoned. Okay? But Subhan Allah, Allah, Allah put the
truth on the tongue of this Catherine woman game show host on
NPR, that she said it. And I'll go one step further. You don't even
have to feed him.
You know what I mean? And this is not just to say, Oh, look, ladies,
you have to like, no, it's both ways, right? If your wife is not,
you know, it's like, my wife doesn't respect me. My wife is
always asking for stuff. My wife is this my wife is that you know,
what do you mean? She's asking you for stuff. She was asked for all
this stuff. And like, I can't afford it. Really, you can't
afford to any of it. Let me tell you something, I understand. I
understand. Okay. I was always a cheap person. I was always very
frugal, perhaps. miser, at least a little bit.
The joy I received from being cheap, in matured when I got
married,
and it reached hits like plutonium, the photonic like
perfection when I had children,
you understand what I mean? I'm like, really cheap, like, and I
don't know, for some reason, I enjoy it now. Right? So I'm the,
I'm the first guy who's gonna like, who's gonna sympathize with
you, when you say I can't afford it. At the same time, at the same
time, you cannot say that everything your wife wants, you
can't afford.
You know what I mean? And, and if she has a list of 10 things, and
you can't afford nine of them, that's not an excuse to not buy
her the 10 thing to make her happy. If your wife is pleased
with you, I mean, so much after that, if a husband and a wife are
pleased with one another a lot is the third one pleased with them.
Right? So what am I going to tell you how to have a better
relationship? You guys know each other, you live with each other? I
mean, literally, you know, like, you literally share a share, you
share a body with one another, right? You know, each other better
than anybody else does. Right? You will know what will make the other
person happy, right? So many times, the weird stuff happens,
right? I hope my wife is not watching this weird stuff happens.
Like,
you know, I'll buy, you know, buy an expensive gift from my, from my
wife. Like something $150 I'll go on a trip, you know, like to give
talks where I'll buy something very expensive for my wife. And
I'll buy, you know, something like for like, 10 $15 for each of my
sisters, and then my wife with a cup of me to buy what you got your
sisters. And I just realized that like, you know what, it's not even
about how much money because you're thinking like a man. You
know, you're thinking or you're thinking like you're thinking and
your wife's, not you. And that's where a misunderstanding occurs,
because you think that your wife is you. And so then you treat her
as if you would want to be treated and she doesn't care how you want
to be treated. She wants to be treated how she wants to be
treated, and vice versa, right. And people are like, oh, you know,
like a lot of men and they complain, Oh, women are so
irrational, and have to learn I think a lot Alan Tala, there's so
irrational, and they knew the power they had over us it would
have been like an alga long time ago, you understand what I'm
saying? You're not the one who wakes up in the in the night to
feed the child, you're not going sacrifices. So it's physically
sacrifice from yourself in order to do all these things for the
family. If they knew how much that was worth to us, they would still
have the upper hand in the relationship Stop complaining
about oh, my, you know, my wife, I can't reason with her. I can't
this dad and he thought like you, you think you would have been in a
world of hurt a long time ago, the fortunate part is that, hopefully
you have something she needs. She has something that you need, you
can reconcile with each other and be happy, right? So try to think
try to put yourself in your wife's shoes, right? Try to put yourself
in your wife's shoes. What does she want, right? If you know that
getting her that like $15 thing is gonna make her happy, right? Then
just by the $15 and make her happy if you can't, like if you can't
buy 10 things for her, trust me, Allah subhanaw taala has put this
like beautiful thing in the fitrah of women and I don't want to be
patronizing by saying this. But he put this beautiful thing in the
fifth era of women that they literally give physically from
themselves, they give physically from themselves for the happiness
and the stability of their family. And you know, they just want to be
appreciated and it doesn't really take that much to make them happy.
Obviously every someone's I don't know my life, okay? There may be
an exception or whatever. That's that's why we recognize the fact
that maybe there may be a couple here that got together that wasn't
that couple wasn't meant to be. So at least be mature enough to
understand that that's the that's the case and separate with each
other with customers. But really 99% of couples that come together
and I like that and people say che what's the most What's the thing
that's like the best you know, like to look for in a marriage and
if you behave like a man and she behaves like a woman, you guys
will be happy together. So what are you talking about? This like
goes with us, but it's not it's it seems like common sense. Not
common sense, though, you know? It's not common sense. dmn go
take the garbage out, go, you know, do certain things right? And
then afterward, you know, your wife will reciprocate, and you
guys will be happy together I've seen in this this is like I guess
the thing is, I see we're over time and I am a little bit afraid
of what might happen for question and answer. So we trust in Allah
subhanaw taala and like asking, please don't kill me
or do something that will result in my death. But
but at the end of the day, this is one of the reasons that the NABI
SallAllahu sallam, and I think it ties over into the next. The next
talk, I think we'll talk about it a little bit more detail then. But
the fact of the matter is, is at the end of the day, this is our
belief bluebay Nice Farid Rahmani r k d, RK for your show, that the
hearts are as if they're in the two fingers of our man the Most
Merciful, right? Obviously we don't have anthropomorphic
beliefs, right. So whatever the meaning of the hadith is, Allah
knows best what the meaning is and whatever the correct meaning is
with him we affirm with that meaning is as true as well. But
the point is one that the hearts are between the two fingers of
Rama the most versatile he turns them in whichever way he wishes,
meaning it's easy for him to turn somebody in two people love each
other for two people to hate each other to decision ultimately,
right? So if the two people are sincere with Allah subhanaw taala
Allah Allah blesses their combined sincerity with a synergy that
makes them also happy with each other as well. So make decisions
that you make not for your financial future not because you
want to go vacation in Hawaii not because you want to buy such and
such house not because you want to buy such and such car not because
you always wanted to retire in Florida although I don't know why
anyone want to go to Florida but
California has good weather also it doesn't have crocodiles and
book constructors and fire ants and scorpions in Muskegon on
anyway. So
don't do don't live for these reasons. If you live for these
reasons, you're out you're out on your own. Do what you want. Right?
If you live for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala he's the one who
can make you love each other. So I've seen weird couples like like
what were they thinking type of couples that like you know, one is
super educated the other super like does barely knows how to read
someone is like this oddly mashed couple someone's handsome or
beautiful the other one who's like, you know, you know, the came
out of the trauma Ward, one person is like, this culture, the other
person has that culture, one person's from this kind of the
most Mismatched Couples in the world. They're happy, right? What
is it the husband and wife are happy with each other, the judge
has kind of he has no place to say anything, right? On the flip side,
we have the most matched couples super like weird, like caste
system levels of planning and compatibility and go to the same
university, same culture saying this saying that same the other
thing, the only way that they could be more compatible with each
other is if they were brother and sister. And that's gross and haram
and stuff. And problematic isn't basically the closest thing that
they could be to be super compatible. And the marriage is
over, like two weeks after the wedding, you understand that I'm
like, they pee, they even open all the wedding gifts yet. And there's
already like, the key word has been fired, and there's no way of
three shots, bam, and there's no way they're ever gonna get back
together again. So, you know, it's difficult, it's not something
simple. There's so many moving parts and so many factors that a
person has to take into consideration, if you if both
parties are rendering trying their best to render the rights to the
other party. And they both have common understanding they're doing
for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala a lot of efforts failed and,
you know, and,
and it's something that we should shoot for. And it's something that
we should, you know, think as worth our time. Like we said ship
on celebrates when he breaks up a marriage. And likewise, ALLAH
SubhanA was as pleased with the two people who are married with
each other and they both put in a good faith effort to get along and
they're both getting along. And I would urge people to if they're,
they have a marriage, that's kind of an Rocky and rocky state. Okay.
There are marriage counselors you can go to I sit on the board of
the filial Center, which is a practice of clinical psychology
based on Islamic values. The director of the filial center
brotherhood, Monica Shahbazi.
He has a master's degrees working on his PhD in Clinical Psychology
has been practicing for years. And there's a team of people working
with him, several of which are PhDs, shift Ramiz wife, Dr. Ronnie
Allah, who is a Stanford qualified psychiatrist. She also works with
the filial center as well. They're all right now in Detroit this
weekend there in Detroit, Michigan for the Muslim
mental health conference. And there is like a large
A movement for this and there are a lot of services even though
central provide their services remotely through certain, you
know, certain certain issues that they feel that are appropriate
that they can deal with remotely through the internet. They'll
provide services. Not everything your Eman is going to be able to
figure out. Because remember in the beginning we said like, don't
make your marriage like based on the fifth book and guess what
we've been reading for our whole mother's education QuickBooks,
okay.
And it's very overwhelming when you're like 30 and an uncle and
auntie of like 60 years old who had been married their children,
they raised them together, they become adults that come to you for
like commercial advice or help, you know, Allah bless them
further, you know, the few people who are left that have confidence
in the people of knowledge. But, you know, in some ways, not every
scholar is going to be equipped to give you what you need.
In terms of mental health, there are people who are competent and
versed in the Shediac brother monka. Chavez, he studied, studied
the room with myself with Shane Delilah, and sorry with a number
of other
another a number of other people and knowledge in the Chicago area.
And I would say out of our destinies on me, like eight year
syllabus, he's completed pretty near six years of it. Really
functionally very knowledgeable person, Mashallah. And,
you know, people like that, go get help, don't let your marriage get
trashed. It's worth your time and effort to save it, you'll regret
it when it's done. Even if even if that even if everybody by
consensus, all the Imams and all of the the counselors and your
family members, even if they agree that like it had to end that it
was ended for him, it's ending it's for the bathroom still
regretted? So why would you why would you do that? Why would you
think the minute that you're the coordinator that you know that
that bond is cut, you know, each party will will feel pain from
him. So why put yourself through that when you don't have to, you
know, do try to try to you know, save your marriage in any way
shape or form that you can and know that it's worth it a lot data
will reward for it and if it has to break then do so an amicable
way. So inshallah Are there any questions?
Yes Bye smart Wi Fi comm I repeat the request, please don't set me
up to get assassinated by asking
something that will result in my death
a good example, what is a good way for,
for the body, to obey her husband, and still be able to please her at
the same time. Besides
her parents, what is a good way that a wife can obey her husband
and please her parents at the same time
with the same like in the same issue? Like if if the wife and if
the husband and the parents would both want different things?
I want you to drink water. And the parents are saying it needs to be
water. That's I don't know from where?
Okay, so, again, if there's competing, they're competing
requests from the wife, from husband and from the parents, then
obviously, the best thing to do is to be to find some way that you
can do both at the same time. That's not always possible, right?
So if you're saying that has been saying drink water in the West,
and the parents are saying drink water from so and so place, then
find the water. So please make both of them happy. Okay? What if
the husband is saying drink water and the parents are saying drink
juice, then you have kind of you have kind of an issue, right? And
again, the legalistic way of dealing with this, like if it
comes to a judge or to a movie or whatever, they'll say you have to
obey your parents, they see that it's your husband has more right
to be obeyed than than your parents have to be obeyed.
As a person who's trying to deal with like a, you know, a holistic
situation, holistic human being right, my request to parents, our
parents and everyone else. Why did I mention in the beginning of this
talk that even I don't find where the Nebby still alive, so then
took to intervene, you know, in people's marriages, direct
directly? It? Why did I say that? You know,
and you look at that the Sahaba of the LA one who were the ones who
love the wrestle summarize them in a way that other people can't even
understand. You understand that they loved him, summarize them in
a way that he couldn't understand. But it's not like in the Hadith,
they came in with every small thing to ask him like he
micromanage their lives, they were competent, they're competent
people that you can figure out what they needed to do and stuff
like that. Right? As a parent and don't, don't intervene between
your daughter and her husband.
I mean, general don't intervene between your yours your son and
his wife as well. But it's a unique situation because the son
if he gets into a fight with or if he if he doesn't, it's not
Getting along with his wife. It's easier for him to extricate
himself from that situation than it is for a daughter to extricate
herself from that situation. This is a fact. Whatever the law is,
whatever, whatever it is, it's just a it's not as it's a bad
situation to put him in. So don't do it. But it's not as bad of a
situation as as you do with your with your daughter. Don't, don't,
don't get Don't, don't get involved in like, put your
daughter at loggerheads against her husband that's active. Right.
This is one of the hikma is of having a willy consent to the
marriage, which is why don't marry your daughter. So knuckleheads are
gonna do knucklehead stuff, and then put you in the situation
where you got to afterward be
where you got to afterward be put in an awkward situation of, you
know, setting your daughter, you know, in a choice that she should
obey us or should she obey her husband? Right? Choose wisely.
Okay, a man that makes a lot of money. Oh, that sounds like a good
match. That's not wisely.
Right? Or, you know, I'm gonna marry my daughter to my brother's
son. Because I love my brother, that's good for you and your
brother, what does it have to do if they're not going to get along,
and the brother son is like, you know, knucklehead, and don't don't
do that type of entity, these things could work out a little bit
better in the past, because people lived in these extended families.
So all of us know, all of us know, like, you know, from whatever from
back home, even people who live in America, you know, they know a
time and that is an age where it was easier for a husband and wife
who didn't like each other to get along.
You understand what I'm saying?
The women are with the women, the men are with the man, the
children, you raise them part of it, grandma and grandpa raised
them part of it, you know, you send them to their uncle's house
to answer. We don't live like that anymore. We can't dissipate the
stresses that we have like that anymore. We take all the stresses,
like on ourselves as individuals now, because it's a
individualistic society, that's what we wanted. I don't want
nobody to tell me what to do. Great here, no one's gonna tell
you what to do. Also, you have no one else to help you with your
life anymore. Right? So that's what we wanted. That's what we
got. And that's the reality that we're in right now. Now, we might
be like, well, maybe I didn't want that in the first place. Guess
what, it's too late. You can't do anything about it. Or you can move
back to your village. And, you know, I'm not saying that
completely sarcastically. If you find a way to move back to your
village and live that life and you're happy, do what makes you
happy. If you're gonna stay here, it's not that to what you call,
have nostalgia for that life, it's not going to solve your problems.
So parents, please don't apical good husbands, moral upright.
Men, for your daughters to marry people of Deen people of iman,
people. How can I explain what Veda is, there's no word for VEDA
in the English language. And that may explain why very few people
have it.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Whereas mashallah, conferencing
can understand relate to my lament of like, not being able to find
the data and people have you marry your son to
your daughter to a man who has data and who's going to protect
him and treat his, you know, treat your daughter honorably. And then
afterward, if if what happens, I mean, sometimes you pick a good
person, or what seems like a good person, and it all kind of blows
up in your face that happens to the point is, is whatever it is,
don't don't put your daughter in this awkward position of basically
choosing between you and her husband. It's not nice, it's not
the right thing to do. Even the dean, the dean in the shutdown,
also also
mandate that a man not make his wife choose between choose between
him and his or her parents. Right. And this is actually in our Maliki
school. I think it may be unique in this respect, although I don't
want to speak about the other mazahub in Charlotte, they have
other alumni that will be able to speak regarding those things.
But in our school, if a man curses is his wife's parents, verbally or
just verbally says your father's like this, your mother's like
that.
happens one time and he says I'm not going to do it again. That's
one thing I lost my temper. That's one thing but if he habitually
curses, curses her parents, that's grounds for her to go to the body
and get a divorce, even if she doesn't like it. That's grounds
for her to get a divorce from Holly because in our in our Maliki
school, verbal abuse is equal to physical abuse as a form of abuse
in terms of getting a dissolution of a marriage. So just don't do
that. Look, if you don't like your inlaws, welcome to The Club right
in law relationship is very magical relationship where two
sets of seemingly good and normal and reasonable people even with
them, it's just awkward. For some reason there's this magical
awkwardness about like what your in laws do and like, most people
say I have good in laws but I can't put my finger on it. It's
really weird about those people, whatever, right? So go visit them
twice a year, you know, put up with it.
You just put up with it right Be quiet don't answer awkward
comments that your mother in law and father in law make just be
quiet do it for the sake of your wife who love each other do it for
their sake put up with it right? What if it's really weird, like,
you know, like, your your in laws have upset you to the point where
like you feel you fear you might like punch someone and then go to
jail or whatever, right? Let your wife go visit them don't even have
to go with them. Or your wife, go visit them twice a year. You don't
have to go with them. The rest of it, they can talk on the phone or
text each other, whatever go visit them. Or when you're at work, go,
you know, but don't intervene. Nobody, anyone who's intervening
between a husband and a wife, right? No matter if even if you're
the girl's parents are the boy's parents. If you intervene between
a husband and a wife in order to mess up that relationship, whose
work are you doing?
Whose work are you doing? She bonds work.
Okay, so I hope if you do that, I hope you're proud of yourself. Go
find the bliss, wherever his throne is, and say, Yo, can I sit
next to you? And he'll be like, yeah, because that's what you're
doing. Right? And people don't appreciate that. They don't think
about that. They don't they don't appreciate that. They don't think
about that. I mean, no one in their right mind would ever go to
a person say yeah, your your father is a total moron. You
shouldn't listen to him or your mother is totally horrible. You
should he may even be true.
Right? It may be true that your father is a total moron. Your
mother is totally crazy. But if another man came to you and said,
Yo, man, your your mother's crazy, you wouldn't be like, Yeah, you're
right. The guy even though even the Pope, even the Pope, the man
who ostensibly champions turning the other cheek when it came to
the blasphemy of the Prophet sallallahu sallam. He said look,
even even even this, like whatever you pointed to another preseason,
even this guy standing right here, if he said something to me about
my mother, I punch him. He said that in front of like the whole
press the whole world, right? affirming that what there's like
the fitrah does have some sort of reality. Right. That was his
honesty about that issue a lot to give Hidayat to him because of his
honesty, at least on that issue, that he could have used it as a
cheap shot against Islam. But he didn't. He affirmed that there's
some truth to like, to the idea that someone should have some data
just like that. Why is it different between husband and
wife? Why is it why is it different? Why is it different
between husband and wife? Why would you tolerate another person?
You two are a couple your unit? Why would you tolerate someone
from the outside coming and talking about your husband talking
about your wife? Like, I certainly wouldn't have said something about
my wife. I certainly wouldn't tolerate that from anybody. And
you know, I would urge a woman also that, that if someone talks
bad about your husband, or saying things that are going to
alienate you from your husband, even if even if they're true,
even if they're true, I would I would not consider that person a
friend. If it's your parents, for example, that are talking bad
about your wife or talking about about your husband.
I would I would, you know if it's your parents because you can't
just like tell them that like get lost. I would just close my ears
and not listen to that I would just internally say that just let
them keep talking until they're done with this and then you can
listen to them again when they're done. There is this discussion
regarding to regarding setting up loving armor or the Aloha and
there's a hadith that he came to him in the Messenger of Allah Azza
wa salam and said that you're absolutely right. I'm married to a
wife I love my wife and my father came to me and told me to divorce
or what should I do? And so,
you know, the Navionics lots of signs said said obey your father.
Okay. But you know, the Musharraf that I took from generally
speaking, although there are some exceptions generally speaking,
they said that this is not this is not a it is not to be taken as
literally as that face value as a universal principle.
Right, that this is what his father is, who is father not like
some dude, right? His father is located in the BM Badla Kana
Amara, He's exceptional person whose opinion is not like the
opinion of normal people. You understand what I'm saying? So in
that in that specific situation, that was the problem Sol sol, sol
Sol Sol Adams advice in our blog and Omar that what the Father
probably knows what he's talking about. Okay.
And if we were to say that he has to father has the right to tell
his son to divorce his wife, this would likely result in like, a
great boon for like area lawyers and for the local court system,
because it's not you know, people and this this, this, I think the
session will have in the morning tomorrow.
I want to reserve for discussing exceptions because we're devoting
all this time to discussing rules. What happens when these
relationships go wrong when you're not at the lower end of a
hierarchical relationship and someone should have show
responsibility toward you but they're being utterly reckless and
they're probably if you obey them, they're gonna destroy your destroy
your life. What are you supposed to do in that situation? But I
want the rule to settle inside the heart
First, and people that appreciate it first and after we can talk
about the exception, because there's some people who just talk
about exception from, from from beginning to the end. And if
that's if all you talk about is when a husband is abusive, and if
all he talks about is when parents are abusive, or when children are
abusive, or whatever, then then what people go away with as they
don't know how things should function when they are right, they
have no way to strive towards something better. And people
should keep good objectives in mind, no one's perfect, but people
can strive to a really good place. But if you don't know where to if
people don't know where they're supposed to be going, how are they
going to correct their situation?
Let's go ahead. question is
If
mother or parents are sick or
madrasas has been
so
where it's
so there's an explicit Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam that
if a woman dies, and her husband is pleased with her that she will
go to Jannah.
That being said, it's not either or
fuck a woman's parents are dying, the husband, the husband is not
supposed to be like, yo, where's my dinner? I don't care. My rights
more than that's, that's totally horrible. That's totally or even
even less chauvinistic than that. Someone will be like, Well, I have
to work and how am I going to take care of the kids figure something
out? Why because that's her parents, she should spend time
with them, you should allow her to have that.
legalistically If a fight happens, and it comes down to it, then she
should obey her husband, although that husband is probably not a
very good husband. And that's it, that's something that that I can
say with ease. That is he's not a very good husband, but he's
forcing her with a right that he has over her. And that's just a
really bad situation. But you know, we shouldn't think of these
things as like, you know, either or we should try to strive to make
a society where we all come together and you know, work for
each other's mutual benefit. I mean, if if Yeah, if it's like
both sides are hard and hard headed, and the husband says one
thing the wife says, and the parents say another thing then
technically her husband has more rights than her parents, but for
the husband as a husband to do that, that's like an act of
cruelty and it's an act of woman he'll be asked about that young
piano you know, I mean, it's the these things have like all the
shades of gray in the middle also right and what if someone's like,
well, what is the husband's like, well, I don't want you going to
the house because they drink or they you know, this happens also
that sometimes like you know, people will complain to us because
we get we get practical situations I whenever my wife goes to goes to
her parents house
they literally the whole time will tell her that this guy's an idiot
you should leave him you should this you should die you should the
other thing. And obviously, obviously, for me, it's very
difficult for me that they to be happy about her going to their
house and things like that. So these are all types of
dysfunctionality, right, the way things should work is what the
husband should understand that the wife serving her parents is a way
for her to go to Jana and should be happy about that. And the
parents should you know, appreciate the fact that the wife
showing respect to her husband is a vehicle for going to Jana and
they should be happy about that and they shouldn't be people who
are you know, all of us are supposed to help each other on the
way to Allah subhanaw taala and then we get selfish and in the
middle and then those that ideal system kind of breaks down but we
should we should try to think of how to push things in that
direction rather than what should we do and things break down
because focusing on what we should do when things break down
presupposes that everything's gonna break down all the time
which is not really how it is and it's not something that we should
repeat again and again until it becomes a self imposed reality
I
guess is the question of
self confidence
decides to marry somebody
against because it's
a blood money that goes back on at times
I can
but will you forgive me if I if I kick the question to the next
session because it most probably more properly fits into that
because about like what to do when you're trying to get this is what
to do when you are married.
that session will be the last session will be more about when
you're trying to get married how to deal with how to deal with that
and the rights of parents for those parents, so
right
now, like how can
they not
be
out of work and stuff like that? How do you actually give them that
like they know about
efficiently?
How do you give Dawa to your non Muslim parents or relatives?
And they don't like doing that?
Yeah, I mean, it's different with everyone right? If somebody's if
somebody is the basic level of Tao that you should do for everybody
as two things one is you should observe the basic parts of your
deen when it's time to pray you pray one is Ramadan you fast when
it's time to go to Hajj you pay go to Hajj, you pay us like God,
things like that. So they should know that you're Muslim, you know
what I mean? You don't need to talk in front of them that that in
and of itself is a great hour. That's greater than pamphlets and
greater than putting a booth outside waving signs and things
like that. The second thing is that afterwards, you should show
them good luck. And they should see that you're a better person,
not for you. But for them. You're a better person for that you're
better son, you're better brother, sister, you just a better person
for them after you took shahada than before, after that basic
level. And that should be even if they are Osama folds, even if they
are like, you know, like Fox News, Donald Trump type people, you know
what I mean? That's for everyone. After after that, those two basic
things, what you should do is if and when they ask,
then tell them about the deed don't avoid it. But at the same
time, don't try to shove it down their throat either. They don't
want to hear about it and you've tried telling them about it.
That's a almost surefire way to
habituate them to responding to you in a way that they don't care
about Islam, such that even the day that they are interested to
ask you about something because it's their habit to shoot you down
every time you bring it up, they'll just keep doing it even if
they inside want to know about it. Right? So when they ask don't
don't don't be shy
but when they're not asking don't don't try to shove it down their
throat and a lot a lot alums best I mean it's different people have
different dispositions, some people you know, you got to
there's an ayah in the Quran right remember that button
when mum and dad but and I'll do a lot but I didn't end up Jana. Hey
mom and dad but and
Biden will be Jana. Hey, love them and follow contributed correctly.
On my show, okay. So there's no
shade, that there's not a creature that moves on the earth.
Nor is there a bird that flies in the air, except for the all of
them are,
like different nations like you. So want to see, or this idea is
that different animals have different traits that resemble the
traits of humans. And one Tafseer This is different human beings,
whatever you see in nature around you, they're human beings that are
that inside and physically we're very, very similar. But inside
what the Joe has their spiritual, you know, stuff they're made of,
is as varied as the different animals are. Some people are like
snakes. Some people like crocodile some people like eagles, some
people like there's some people are like lions, some people like
rabbits, some people are like all these different things, you know,
and it's important to appreciate that and appreciate that another
person, whatever whoever it is, whatever context it is that you're
dealing with them, that they're going to be like different than
you. And you don't have to agree with what the person you're
looking at does or says it the way they think. But there's a value
always in understanding why they think that way.
You don't have to agree with it but there's a value always an
understanding why and that will give you insights and how to make
out to that person that will give you insights how to be a good
husband to that woman that will give you insights how to be good
son to that father and mother that will give you insight and how to
be a good parent to that child that will give you insight how to
be a good student to the teacher etc etc.
So
so
we don't talk about
REITs live in
has been
misunderstood?
Which, obviously,
but I would like to understand
what
you said, to take care of
that.
So
the question the question of what does it mean for a husband to take
care of his wife?
Again, legalistically, I can define it as like food, clothing,
shelter, right, fulfilling her physical needs, etc. But that that
will mean different things for different couples. The legal bare
minimum is one thing, but then as a human being, it may mean very
different things for different people. So, I don't know if I can
give like a kind of one size fits all answer to that. But what I
will say is this is that,
look, everybody needs to learn what they need, you know, everyone
needs to learn what rights other people have over them, and what
rights they need to render to other people. And there's no one
that's an exception to this rule. But I feel that there is a type of
pandering that that many, many speakers and scholars do
there's a type of pandering that they do, which I don't, I don't, I
don't appreciate.
And my point is not like many of the brothers have like a smile on
their face. It's not try to understand what I'm saying, okay?
The pandering that they do is what there is a
set of philosophies called modernism that are not modern at
all, like they originated like whatever post enlightenment
Europe, which was like 300 years ago, right?
Even in the Quran, the Mushrikeen.
To not call us out, when they're such people that when the the
verses of Ron read to them, these are just the tales of the
ancients. And these are not people with iPhones and Android, these
are people who live like in the Stone Age civilization. And
they're the ones that say, Oh, this is all the tales of the
ancients. Right? So modernism is not as modern as one would think
it is, right? I'm French Revolution was a long time ago,
secularism, all these things these are, these are very old ideas that
masquerade around as like new cutting edge types of things. One
of the one of the kind of weird,
weird weirdnesses, of
modernity, modernism, and post modernism is this idea of gender
being
not not really not affirming gender, right. And there's a type
of feminism, that that people, you know, that people kind of hold up
as an ideal, which I think is really harmful philosophically, if
feminism means the belief that women should be treated with
dignity and with honor, and that they shouldn't be oppressed, then
I'm the biggest feminist and every Muslim has to be a feminist
otherwise, that person's Eman is not correct. If feminism is the
belief that women are not respected until they do everything
that a man does, there's like, a lot that's wrong there. Okay. One
of those things is a presupposition that the male is
like, the benchmark, the standard and a woman is inherently inferior
until she acts like a male, which is is is it's a paradox, right?
You say we want to elevate women, but the initial, the initial
supposition that you have is that women are inherently inferior
until they are men. Do you understand what I'm saying? This
is this is problematic. This isn't this is this is an issue. And so
what happens is like, for example, you will not have a you'll never
have, or almost never have a speaker,
get up and tell a joke. Where people tell a joke about children
and parents, where people laugh at the expense of the parents. Right?
But almost every Western wedding for some reason or another, they
tell a joke about the husband that the
husband somehow being incompetent or being whatever and everyone
laughs at it. They joke about a husband and a wife that people
laugh at the expense of their husband. And I'm definitely not a
person who doesn't have a sense of humor and like says we can't laugh
about stuff but there's a time and place for everything. And even
though even though laughing a woman laughing at her husband is
perfectly okay in certain situations, generally speaking,
just like if you know, like your father did something funny and you
laugh It doesn't mean you don't respect him. But you know life
happens in life is funny sometimes I appreciate that. But for it to
be the set pattern the hospital default assumption is that you
know, talking about the rights of husbands empowering abuse, or like
you know, we kind of tell joke about men via you know, husbands
being incompetent and the wife laughing like you know, like
Laughing at their expense. And like, literally the farm of what a
husband is, I feel that it's like turning the people turning their
back on a teaching of the shutdown. And this type of
behavior is something that is very, we're very used to in the
western context. And because of that we kind of Islam and Islam
sighs it, you know, and I'm uncomfortable, I'll be very frank
with you, I'm uncomfortable with that,
it doesn't mean that everything husband does is perfect, and that
a wife, you know, doesn't know what she's talking about, or that
she's a child or that we're patronizing her or whatever, it
just means what the one of the values we have as Muslims, is that
wives respect their husbands.
Right husbands also honored their wives. But it's the relationship
is not the relationship is not like one of the two equals that
are having some sort of mutual exchange with one another. Rather,
there's, there's, there's a set of expectations that a husband has
over the wife and a set of expectations that the wife can
have from her husband. And they're hierarchical, it doesn't mean that
one has more value with a lot than the other does. But what it does
mean is that just like, you know, a younger brother should respect
the older brother, and just like parents should respect your
children should respect parents, that doesn't mean that we can
consider children as second class citizens and wherever parents just
religion, right, just like that we don't believe that women are
second class citizens, and it's a misogynistic religion, right. Just
like we don't believe that respecting elders is that like a
sign has an agenda to suppress people who are younger, it
doesn't. These are just these are just the norms of our civilization
that are established by why. And so I, you know, I have I have kind
of a problem with that, like the lopsidedness of that. And I know
that it kind of panders to a certain popular sensibility that
may not that in my opinion doesn't reflect the values of weight. On
the flip side of it, doesn't mean that I don't think that that, you
know,
women have rights or that those rights shouldn't be mentioned, I
think they shouldn't, but everything should just be done in
context with balance.
You know, I think you mentioned briefly before, and I think it's a
good thing to both on
a lot of issues develop, or can be sort of resolved. If the motives
behind marriage in the first place is sound. So if you could maybe
expand a little bit on what are what are the motives and
intentions that people should have for going into marriage instead of
just going into it? Because it's the normal life without thinking
twice?
about it.
Just going through like anyone else without thinking twice about
what is my purpose and doing what?
What are the motives and the intentions that a person should
have for marriage, it should be about a quota Allah you should do
it as an act of piety that that's that's there in order to bring you
closer to Allah subhanaw taala to protect yourself from Zina protect
yourself from sin and to fulfill your your life as a human as a
human being, to live in the normal relationship that a lot of
relationships that Allah to Allah has created the fifth about that a
person, you know, would like to have in order to fulfill
themselves as a human being as an act of piety. There are certain
Hadith that are read at the time of the niqab that are, you know,
from the Muslim Photomath of the messenger of allah sallallahu
alayhi salam. And so one of them is that to
Irvine right that a woman should be chosen for marriage because of
four qualities that she has because of her, her beauty and
because of her wealth, and because of her status, and because of her
deal. So choose the one that has Dean, and it'd be so awesome said
emphatically choose the one who has Dean and the prophets Allah
licenses Anika Hamid Suniti that the Nika has that to get married
is from my sunnah, and that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam said, from Alibaba and Sansonetti, Felisa Mini, the one
who turns his back on, on my sunnah that person has nothing to
do with me. And you know, the fact that these are these Hadith are
mentioned. It's a sunnah the fact that the ayat there's also I asked
that are mentioned Yeah, you live in LA. To Kathy Well, tonight in
LA and to Muslim on Muslim that the pastor someone mentioned the I
O you believe fear lies he shouldn't be fear to die not as
accepting this state of submission to Him. That this is also an act
of submission to Allah subhanaw taala you're living a double life
rapoo Poland studied your
film La
la hora Sula, who forgot the FISA froze and now the man that oh you
believe fear a lot to Allah and saying firm word. So that he may
he may rectify for you your your ACT
sins and He made forgive for your sins and whoever has obeyed Allah
and His Messenger salAllahu alayhi salam, that person is indeed one a
great, great winning. And the third is the first eye of sorts
when you say yeah, you have nasty. Rob Bakula, the Halacha coming
nnessee Why editing halacha Minh has the best son in humanity
Jilin. Cathy rang when he
landed the
Luna be he well our hands in Allah can Ali Cooperativa or mankind
Fear your Lord who created you from one soul and made from it,
it's made and then created from them. Many men, men and women, and
Fear your Lord with you know by whose name you ask of one another
inferior Lord with relation to your kinship bonds.
Verily Allah subhanaw taala was ever vigilantly watching over you.
So there's three ayat and there are three Hadith that are subnet
dimension at the time of marriage, and all of them indicate what the
objective of marriage is. What is that? It's a vehicle it's a great
vehicle, right? That the that the very big vehicle for
operationalizing and implementing commandments of Allah subhanho wa
Taala right. This is the largest half of the deen right Getting
married is half of the deen and for the rest of the deen fear
Allah Allah for the rest of the deen fear Allah subhanho wa Taala
these are all indications that your intention when you get
married is what is that it should be an act of of you and another
person helping one another to draw closer to Allah subhanaw taala by
this institution. And if a person doesn't marry for that reason,
then a lot of what we're talking about now, in this session may not
make a whole lot of sense.
Thank you for watching. Follow us online at Safina society.org and
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A coma knee all week