Sarah Sultan – Trauma 02 I Should’ve Gotten Over It By Now

			Bismillah salatu salam ala Rasulillah while he was talking to him and Willa, I'm about a cinematic
Omar Abdullah about a tattoo. This is sort of salt. I'm here with European Institute. And I'm here
to speak with you a little bit about one of the common thoughts that we might experience during
difficult times in our lives, particularly surrounding grief. The thought that I want to talk to you
about a little bit today is the idea that I should have gotten over it by now, or the idea that my
Eman must not be strong enough, if I'm not over it yet. A lot of times, people describe grief as
feeling like you're in the middle of an ocean, and in the middle of a storm, and finding the waves
		

			just crashing over you constantly. And then whenever you try and bring your head up for a little bit
of air to get a little bit of relief, a little bit of respite from the storm, another wave just
crashes right over you and you feel like you're drowning again. And then even when you experience
the calm that comes when you think that the storm has passed, suddenly, one thing will come up, and
the waves start all over again, it can be any small trigger that will trigger a memory of a loss of
a loved one that you might have lost of somebody who's hurt, you have a situation that you just
don't really want to remember. And then the waves just start crashing over you again. And a lot of
		

			times what we as human beings struggle with, and oftentimes we as Muslims struggle with is the idea
that I've grieved long enough, I should have gotten over it by now. And also the idea that grief is
not in line with accepting the decree of Allah subhanaw taala. And you might be making yourself feel
guilty about this or other people in your life might be making you feel guilty about this, and you
feel like it takes you even further away from ALLAH SubhanA data. So one thing that I want to
mention with regards to this is the example of the Prophet Muhammad SAW Salam where when he lost his
young son, Ibrahim, there's a hadith that narrates that he was weeping, right? And one of the
		

			companions came. And he asked him about this, that, you know, I see that you're crying, and little
suicide Salam responded that this is mercy. And he says that the eyes shed tears, and the heart
grieves, but the tongue does not utter other than what's pleasing to ALLAH SubhanA data. And so we
see that the greatest human being to ever walk the Earth, the person who was so beloved to Allah
subhanaw taala, the one that we try to emulate in our daily lives, was in fact grieving. And that
grief is not synonymous with weekI men. This is an idea that we kind of have to try and separate
ourselves from to try and get closer to us Pat data, one of the thought processes that often happens
		

			when we're struggling with grief. And that we, when we have these feelings of guilt surrounding the
fact that we're experiencing sadness, or hurt or disappointment, is the idea that I must not have
strong enough Amen, or I should be stronger, or I should have gotten over it by now. And what these
are called our should statements. And should statements fall under the character, the category of
cognitive distortions, and cognitive distortions are basically unhealthy thinking patterns that we
sometimes fall into. And this can definitely happen with any type of traumatic experience or any
type of loss that happens in our lives. And so one thing that's really important is for us to be
		

			aware of what we're saying to ourselves, these, these should statements, because what they are, are
standards that are unrealistic that we hold ourselves to, they're very rigid rules that we naturally
struggle with. Because what happens is that when we hold ourselves to impossible standards, we start
to believe that ALLAH SubhanA, Allah holds us to impossible standards. And if we can't fulfill the
impossible, then why should we even try to fulfill the possible and that brings us then again,
further away from Alice patata. So one thing to be aware of, is that there's a difference between
healthy guilt right, when we have kind of passed a line with regards to what our personal values
		

			are, and shame. So when we have healthy guilt, it'll be something like I'm really struggling right
now, because I'm feeling so down. So I'm struggling with my prayers. And I'm feeling badly about
that. But I know that I'll feel better even if I just try and do one today. And I know that's going
to bring me closer to Alas, Pat data, what you're doing there is you're identifying the behavior
that you're struggling with, and you're working to hold yourself accountable and fix it. That's
healthy. But when we experience shame, that's where you say, I'm really struggling right now. And so
I'm struggling with my prayers. I'm just a horrible person. And Allah's pancetta must hate me
		

			because of the fact that I'm struggling with something so simple. And that then brings you further
away from Allah Subhana Allah because you're not identifying the behavior, you're viewing the
problem as you right. And if if the behavior is not the issue, and you are the issue, then how is
that going to change and so that can also really eat away at you. So one tip that I want to
		

			leave you with that you can practically work on with regards to trying to overcome the should
statements is to number one, be aware of what they are, what are you saying to yourself. So whenever
you hear the words should must, if only right, that's where you know that that's a thought that you
can tweak a little bit. So you might say something like, I should have gotten over it by now like
what we're talking about. And then the question you ask yourself is, okay, well, then what does it
mean? If you don't get over it by now? And then you might tell yourself? Well, it means that my Eman
is weak, and that I'm far away from Allah subhanaw taala. And then if that were true, then what
		

			would it mean about you, then the thought that might go through your mind would be something like,
well, then that means that all this past data hates me, when you go through that thought pattern,
ask yourself is this a thought pattern that brings you closer to Allah subhanaw taala or further
away, because if it's bringing you further away, then you know that this is something to address and
to work on. Because the point of us having standards for ourselves in our lives is for us to become
our best selves. And if those very standards are what's holding us back from becoming our best
selves and are holding us back from getting closer to Allah subhanaw taala then it's time to change
		

			those standards. You can read a lot more about this in the article that's being released in the
clean series. Your Lord has not forsaken you where you can get a lot more tips and a lot more
information on changing the should statements that might be plaguing you right now. Just Aquila and
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