Sarah Sultan – ISNACON 2019 The Impact of Grief on Faith 2

			Today we're talking about grief and the impact that grief can have on our faith and the way that
grief can also be a source of trauma in some cases, right? The lecture, the talk today, our panel is
entitled, I should have gotten over it by now. Right. And so I wanted to start I briefly covered
this, if you were in the first talk, I briefly covered the different types of loss right? Here when
we're talking about grief. Typically, when we talk about grief, what is the type of loss that people
normally view is synonymous with grief, just call it out.
		

			Death, death of a loved one, right? Not just death of anybody but death of somebody that's close to
our heart. That's what causes us to grieve, right? I want to expand that definition of loss a little
bit, to realize that we can grieve for things other than the death of a loved one. There are so many
other losses that we experience on a daily basis, and it hurts tremendously. And we don't understand
why. Because we're not taught that you can grieve if somebody hasn't died, right. And so so the loss
of a job, for example, if any of you experienced the recession, several years back, so many people
lost their jobs, right. So what happens when you lose your job, you lose financial stability, you
		

			might lose the home that you have established for your family, your children might lose the home
that they've grown up in, they might have to change schools, they've lost their friends and things
like that, that are associated with that. A relationship, that's also an intense form of loss, not
the death of somebody that then ends the relationship. Because in some ways, if you have a good
relationship with someone, and they pass away, right, that's incredibly painful, because you miss
them, right? But that connection still can remain in certain ways. But when you lose a relationship
with somebody that you care about, and has meant so much to you, because let's say it was a marriage
		

			that ended up in divorce, because a person who has hurt you tremendously, or has been abusive, a
friend that has betrayed you, that you fully trusted in every way. And then that has ended. All of
these are forms of loss that bring up similar feelings to the death of a loved one. But people just
don't get why you're so upset, and why you're so moved by it. Those are all different types of
trauma that can that can really impact you. And when you don't identify it as grief, then you don't
mourn, right, and you can't heal because you don't allow yourself to feel it. Because people make
you assume that you shouldn't feel that, that it shouldn't be a big deal, right?
		

			So
		

			one of the ways that I think grief has a very profound impact on us and our lives, is that it
changes the view that we have of ourselves. Right? So I brought up the example of an affair or, or
an abusive situation, you start to quiet in a situation like that, you start to question yourself,
right? Like, what what was I thinking that made me think I could trust this person, I thought I had
a good judge, like I was a good judge of character, I thought I had good judgment. And suddenly, now
I'm doubting that. So that part of yourself, all of a sudden is gone. Right?
		

			You're if you're diagnosed with like, with it with an illness, like an autoimmune illness, right?
Then all of a sudden, the things that you used to be able to do so easily don't come easily anymore,
that part of yourself feels like it's gone. Right? So your perception of yourself and your identity
changes. And the other thing that can change too, in this process is your perception of your faith
and your relationship with Allah subhana data. And that can really feel
		

			horrible, right? Like, this is like the one thing that I wish I could hold on to. And right now,
it's shaken. Right? So So with everything else, that's that's tumultuous in your life. The one thing
that you want to be consistent, also isn't there, which is your connection with all this data. And
that's incredibly painful. Right? So as I'm Dr. Altaf was saying,
		

			grief is not an indication of your level of Amen. Right. He gave a beautiful example of the Prophet
Muhammad SAW Salam who was one of the most beloved to Allah Subhana Allah the most perfect human
being to walk the earth. And, you know, subhanAllah i Whenever I hear this hadith about how he
grieved over the loss of his child, and
		

			the one of his companions came to him and was surprised and said, but you're weeping, right? Like I
visibly see your see tears coming down your your eyes, I think of the wisdom of him, like Dr. Altaf
was saying publicly mourning the loss of his son because it shows us that it's okay.
		

			And that also says LM says that the eyes grieve, right? The heart is saddened and hurt and in pain,
but the mouth doesn't the tongue doesn't other other other than was pleasing to Allah pantalla.
We're not held accountable here that also said, I'm telling us we're not held accountable for the
tears that we shed. We're not held accountable for the shake and the shakiness that we feel in our
hearts, we're held accountable for the things that we can control, which are what our limbs like
what we do with our limbs, where we go, what we do, you know, if you're hurting, you don't want to
hurt somebody else and like smack people around or anything, obviously, right? And what you say with
		

			your what would you say with your tongue, that is something that's within your control? Right? Even
our thoughts Subhan Allah, which is something that is, is within our control, like in therapy,
that's what we work on. Right? We work on helping people navigate their thoughts.
		

			Even that we're not held accountable for that also, Salam told us that that my own man is not going
to be held accountable for their passing thoughts, as long as they don't utter them or act upon
them. Right. So Subhan Allah, the example of the Prophet Yaqoob la salaam, when his son, Yusuf, his
beloved son, who is also a prophet on a set and went missing, he cried, until his eyes turned white
with grief. He was blinded Subhanallah because of how, how much he grieved for the loss of his son.
And then we think that when people are not getting over it, that it's synonymous with them not
having strong enough, amen.
		

			That's like saying that Prophet Yaqoob Allah didn't have strong enough Amen? Of course he did. And
so it's not an indication of our Amen. Right? And on top of it, if this was a problem, then wouldn't
Allah Samantha have sent a verse of the Quran to Rosa Salem and tell him to stop crying. But he
didn't, he didn't he didn't reprimand that also set them for it, right.
		

			So it doesn't indicate a doubt or weakness in our hearts. So our emotions were created by Allah's
passata for a purpose. And so telling ourselves that we shouldn't feel something is denying a part
of ourselves that Allah's pancetta has created within us, you can't connect with all this data
without feeling, right. And part of those feelings, or sometimes the feelings are not always going
to be good. It's just a part of who we are.
		

			So when we're saying that we shouldn't experience this, this is something called it's a cognitive
distortion, or an unhealthy form of thinking it's called should statements, right? So whenever you
talk to yourself, and you hear yourself saying I should be more, or I shouldn't do this, or I must
be this or whatever it is, those are standards that we're often holding ourselves to, that are often
not realistic and demand a certain level of perfection that nobody can reach. Right? They're very
rigid rules. And so it can be very unhealthy. So you know, for example, somebody who's on a diet,
right? I shouldn't have eaten that. This is why nobody is going to marry me. I must not be
		

			attractive enough, because I shouldn't do this. Right. So these should statements that we all and I
mean, who doesn't say these things? Right? We all say it. We've been taught to say these things,
right? Or, you know, parents should never yell at their kids. Sometimes I yell at my child, so I
must be a bad mother. No, I mean, you know, like, so these things are unrealistic expectations
right. Now, in terms of grief, we tell this to ourselves, too. I should have gotten over it by now.
There must be something wrong with my Eman. I must not be a good enough Muslim. If I can't stop
crying because I miss my dad. Or I start I can't stop crying because that friend utterly betrayed
		

			me, right? There must be something wrong. Or even more sometimes we've heard like, I almost print
that I just must hate me because I can't get over this. And I can't. That means I can't be content
with a decree of Allah's past data, which and I you spiral and you spiral and you spiral, right? And
then we also do this to people, right? Like, you know, your your best friend passed away a month
ago, you should you should really be getting back on with it. You should be okay now, right? Like we
do it, we and we try to placate people, right. So when we hold ourselves or other people to these
unrealistic standards of how we should feel or how they should feel, then we expect a quick fix. And
		

			when we expect a quick fix, what do we do? We bury all of those emotions. Because if we shouldn't be
feeling them, then we have to get rid of them somehow. And then we don't allow ourselves to grieve
properly to heal properly. And that's where so many issues then start to develop. Right.
		

			The other thing that often people do that I just want to briefly mention is something called
spiritual bypassing. Have any of you guys have heard of that phrase? Raise hands. Anybody heard of
spiritual bypassing? Just very few. Okay, well, good. I'm glad I'm mentioning it. Okay.
		

			Spiritual bypassing is where you use religious ideas and practices to a
		

			avoid facing distress or help somebody try and quote unquote help somebody avoid facing distress. So
that would be something like, Oh, you're feeling sad, you should just pray. You should just pray. Or
have you really tried reading the Quran, or just just turn to Allah just turn to Allah and it's
going to be, it's going to be okay. There is relevance in the encouragement. illustrata tells us
that prayer brings us and brings us ease, that if we if we are thankful to him, he's going to give
us more, there is absolutely relevance for this. But there's a time and place. And when somebody has
just lost somebody or somebody is grieving, the idea of telling them, You should probably pray more.
		

			It's not the best time, because what happens then this person starts to think, oh, on top of their
worry of the person they just lost or whatever they're going through their job that they just lost.
On top of that worry. They're thinking, Oh, am I not praying enough? Is that why I'm feeling this
way? Does is ALLAH SubhanA upset with me? And that's why these emotions are not going away. Right.
And so what happens is, now there's another problem that's added on top of it, where now they're
wondering if they're not a good Muslim anymore. And when they're struggling that much do you think
them thinking that they're not a good Muslim? Do you think that's gonna bring them closer to Allah
		

			Tada, or further away?
		

			For their way? Right? So there's a time for this, there's a time for that.
		

			So we don't want to push people to question their relationship with Allah's patata during a time
when they should be encouraged to turn to Him for comfort and support. You can't turn to somebody
for comfort and support if you're feeling guilty that you're not doing enough for them. Right. And
so that brings us to the idea of okay, well, what's healthy guilt, because there is healthy guilt
		

			that we should hold ourselves accountable. If we're not doing if we're, if we're not worshiping
illustrata in the way we want to be if we're not being the way we want to be in our relationship
with others parent data, we want to hold ourselves accountable to that and work on it. But then
there's shame, which is different than healthy guilt. Shame, healthy guilt is okay. I'm not I'm
feeling guilty because of a behavior, something I'm doing or not doing. Shame is, I'm feeling this
way, because there's something inherently wrong with me. Right? So in when we're telling people to
go and turn to Allah, when they're already trying to do that, it brings up feelings of shame, where
		

			they feel like they're inadequate and unworthy of the love and support of Allah's past data. And
that, and that's something that can happen to so many of us in these types of circumstances. So, I'm
going to give you an example of two different ways this can manifest, right? So healthy guilt would
be an example like
		

			would be an example like, you know, I've been feeling so down lately. So I just really struggled to
get out of bed and pray, like, I've missed so many prayers, and I just, I feel so badly about it.
And so I know that if I just get up and just do one, then I'm going to feel good about having done
an obligation to Allah's past data. And that's going to make me feel maybe just that much slightly
better. That's healthy guilt. You're holding yourself accountable like Oh, I really wish that you
know, I was doing my prayers taking a step toward a less Pattaya because of that guilt. Shame is
I've just been so down lately that I can't get up to pray. I'm just a horrible person, all this pans
		

			out, I must hate me. So what's the point anyway, shame takes you further away from ALLAH SubhanA
data. So we want to be really careful in the way that we the way that we deal with that. So in the
last few minutes that I have, I just want to emphasize that when a little bit of the brain stuff,
because I really, I really liked that. And I feel like it brings something for people to consider
that when we are mourning the loss of somebody or we have gone through something traumatic, right, a
lot of times people tell us that we should get over it. And or they tell us that you know, you just
just pray, just pray and it'll, it'll be done. And again, prayer is absolutely
		

			an incredible tool to help us get through difficult times 100%. But if you're trying to pray, and
you're struggling either to get up and pray, or you're trying to pray, and you can't feel it, let me
explain it in a way that might make a little bit of sense so that it doesn't feel so bad and push
you further away, right? Where when you've been through something traumatic or a loss, the brain
area that is like really, really busy is the brain area that you need to survive it gets you get
into survival mode, and that's the brain area that makes you feel afraid that makes you feel worried
that makes you feel anxious. And what happens is you start to search for in your environment for
		

			other things that are going to hurt you in the same way that you've just been hurt. Right when that
		

			brain area is activated the front brain area, which is, is meant for decision making and good
judgment and making decisions, the to do things that are good for yourself, that area is shut down.
And so it's not that, you know, it's not that you don't want to pray or you don't want to feel
better, it's that the brain area that's devoted to making good decisions about what's going to make
you feel better. It's just not working as well. Right. And so even though you might know that prayer
might make you feel better, you can't really make fully make that decision, because that's just not
the way that your brain is working at that point. And so, but the more we take small steps to try
		

			and to try and actually to try and reconnect with Allah's past data, and try to make choices in
every arena of our lives, that will get us on the path of healing, that's where our brain will start
to positively change and then that front area will start to get activated again, in sha Allah, and
then the feelings of then the bat, the the brain area that's in survival mode, we'll be able to
realize, okay, I'm safe now I can shut down a little bit, and, you know, things will will start to
regulate themselves. So when you're grieving or surviving a trauma and you're struggling with your
connection to this path data. It's not an indication of the state of your heart or of your Eman.
		

			It's it's an indication of the state of your brain and what you have gone through right and so,
		

			that can sometimes bring a little bit of tranquility in difficult situations. So I ask ALLAH SubhanA
data to to bestow healing and mercy and
		

			and comfort on everybody who is grieving and grant you a way out of that pain and suffering to panic
alone having a shed when Leila Haleigh and to really cinematic graphology second live feed