Sarah Sultan – ICBCS – How to Address Conflict With Your Spouse – Conflict at Home

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			of the things that's most interesting, and also most difficult about marriage counseling, is the
fact that whenever two people enter the room, you're not just helping them manage their
relationship. But they're bringing in all of their past experiences all of their past relationships,
from within their own families from, you know, all of their past experiences that have impacted
them. And the way they're going to see their spouse, all of that comes into the mix and comes into
the room. And that comes up in every single conflict between spouses to, right, everybody has a
different history, they came from different homes, they came from different experiences. And so the
		

			stories that come up during conflict and during difficult circumstances, are going to be different
from one another. And so all of that comes up in communication. Right. And so, you know, some of the
ways to deal with that, you know, this is advice from John and Julie Gottman, who are very, very
well known in the field of, of marriage counseling and marriage research, is, you know, there's an
acronym for it, which is a tune, att U M. e.
		

			A, is awareness, right, like to try and get a greater understanding of what your spouse is trying to
say, you know, increase your awareness, right? Pay attention to what you know, what is going on in
the context, right? Is this something that's come up before turning toward the person, so don't
ignore it, right? If somebody if your spouse is upset, turn physically, right? And then also
verbally toward the person, you know, nod, show that you're listening, right? Tolerance, patience,
right? That's being patient with trying to understand what they're saying, being patient, if they're
feeling emotional, understanding, really trying to see if you can get what they're saying. And some
		

			of the best ways to do that is if I understand it, you know, if I understand this correctly, what
you're trying to say is this. That's, you know, it's called reflective listening, where you
basically repeat back what you heard, because a lot of times, and it sounds silly, right? But you
would be amazed to see what you miss here. You know, a lot of times like, well, of course, I heard
it, I was sitting right here, but you heard it in your own way. It's very different than hearing it
in the way that it was intended. And so making sure that you have a full understanding of what the
what your spouse is intending to say is really important.
		

			Non defensive, listening, when your spouse is sharing a concern, especially about you, it's really
easy to get defensive, nobody wants to hear criticism, right? But trying to not get defensive, so
that this can be solved is really is really important, right? Because the goal isn't to win, right?
You're not on two separate teams pitted against each other, the goal is to maintain your marriage
and the health of your marriage. And so if one person is winning an argument, then the relationship
is failing, and it's not a win. In reality, right? The goal isn't to win, you guys are in it
together. And then the final was the one is empathy. That's very, very powerful, right? Because if
		

			somebody's sharing a concern, and then you immediately come in with,
		

			but really, it's not a big deal. Like I don't understand why the you know, the dishes in the sink
are a big deal. The socks on the floor, big deal. What's so hard about just putting it in the
dishwasher or putting it in the hamper? Like it's not a big deal? That is one sure way to amplify
the conflict, right? But if you if you say something like, Okay, well, you know, I can understand
that, it kind of makes you feel like you're alone in doing everything in the house, if you find
that, you know, I can't even put my socks in the hamper. And so you know, I get why that's a big
deal for you, that empathy is going to immediately start to tone down the conflict and prevent it
		

			from becoming a really overblown argument. Right? And so this all helps to get a greater
understanding of what your spouse's is going through.
		

			The other thing that's really important with communication, particularly in,
		

			in during conflict is repairing, right, like having the ability to repair during the conflict, and
this can be in any way. Right? And you know, and so it's interesting, because there's a hadith of
the process, no more, he says, I guarantee a house on the outskirts of paradise for the one who
leaves an argument even if he's right. And repairing is a way to do that. Right? You're you're
taking a step out of the conflict of the argument. And you're saying things like, you know, okay, I
think you're concerned makes sense. Or, you know, you know, can I rephrase that or if I'm hearing
you correctly, I'm sorry for this, you know, so you're trying to repair things.