Safi Khan – Soul Food Dear Beloved Son Introduction
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A a a a a book that's compiled
in the form of letters.
And it's a letter after letter after letter
that eventually became the chapters of this book.
And it's all about advices. Advise that, you
know, a teacher's giving a student. So inshallah,
Sadaf Fatima is gonna start us off with
kind of reflecting with us a little bit
about just the importance of giving and taking
advice
from your mentors or mentees, kind of receiving
advice, and how all of that works in
benefiting us, inshallah, as you people. So,
So as is ourselfly mentioned, it's really awesome
to be back. That's great. I
missed you guys over the last couple of
weeks.
And, also, that we are taking this approach
in studying a text and studying a book
that a great scholar,
does not even go more detail about the
life of the scholar have written.
And this particular book or this particular is
a letter really that has been written is
based off of a question. So the student
comes to him, the student asks him a
question, and he writes the entire book to
answer his question.
What's really interesting is that a lot of
times, what we've seen
in our communities
and even here when we have to and
stuff like that comes up a lot, is
that sometimes it's it seems as if asking
a question
is looked down upon or is not good.
Like, you shouldn't ask questions. You should just,
you know, just take what you get. Right?
But we see that in our tradition actually,
it's quite the opposite.
That questions are actually
encouraged and seeking
advice
is a part of our traditions, a part
of our religion.
You have the prophet throughout his entire life
even though he's the prophet. Right? He's the
prophet
throughout his lifetime.
He's seeking advice on different matters
that he will constantly and constantly seek advice
from,
From matters that are big to matters that
are small.
And you have that situation happens
in the battle of,
and we talked about the battle of Uhud
a while ago. You guys probably forgot.
But in the battle of Uhud, that situation
happens where, you know, the people, they leave
their coats.
And afterwards,
Allah tells that,
it is out of
Allah mercy that you are you are lenient
with them, that you are kind to them
in a way that you talk to them.
And, eventually, then a lot of times, I
do some
a series of things to do. Tells them
to seek forgiveness on their behalf or forgive
them. Seek forgiveness on their behalf. And then
the prophet says, we shall wait until
and consult them in the matter. Consult them
on where do we go from here because
that was being a part of being, like,
in the crowd. It was a a part
of being a part of the community.
Yeah. The would consult with his community
about matters when things came up.
So it's very much still a part of
our religion and it's very much still a
part of our tradition
that we ask questions and we seek advice.
There's a narration from
when he says
He says that the deen, meaning the religion,
is Nasiha,
and some people translate it as advice and
people translate it as.
And this this hadith is focusing on the
word,
And it's saying that the prophet was saying
that the entire religion, the entirety of our
religion,
the entirety of our way of life
is encompass
in the concept of nasiha,
and that that is the main pillar of
the religion.
And when you understand what
means,
then you're able to understand what the religion
means.
So you have here
the nasiha actually.
It has the meaning of someone who's seeking
the best.
Okay. It's someone who's seeking the best in
in terms of their intention of action. So
if I'm coming
and I'm asking you for,
if I'm asking someone for,
I'm seeking the best of what they know.
Right? And I'm not just asking for any
reason, for just some random reason. I'm not
asking because I think it's funny.
I'm not asking because I think it's fun.
I'm asking because I truly want that person's
sincere advice.
I want them to sincerely guide me.
I want them to sincerely give me their
opinion.
So that's why the prophet
says the deen, the religion,
is built in this sincere taking and asking
a request.
It's built in this sincerity, this level of
sincerity.
So you have that
Allah also says in the Quran,
he says that
That you should go and you should ask
those who know
if you do not know.
And this was very frequent with the companions.
The companions ask questions all the time.
They ask questions all the time and that's
how we get a lot of our religion
because you'll hear in different classes
where you're sitting down, you're learning about something.
They said, session self contained, came to a
prophet
and asked the
prophet x y and z and the prophet
gave this answer. This is how we have
this rule.
It's a part of our religion.
They will constantly ask for prophecy. They'll ask
prophecy about things like,
tell me how do I become the best
of people.
Tell me how do I get to Jannah.
Tell me how do I do this.
They weren't shy in the way in in
asking questions, but they had an etiquette
in the way in which they asked questions.
There is an etiquette.
There's an etiquette in everything that we do.
So there is an etiquette,
but there is not a dislike in asking
question.
And what's interesting
is that,
there could become a point where asking questions
is actually considered to be something that's obligatory
upon you, something you have to do
when it comes to matters of your religion,
when it comes to matters of your practice.
If you're having trouble
understanding how to practice your religion properly,
it is mandatory
upon you to ask people that you know
that knows the answer
how you are to practice your religion.
You don't just say, okay. I don't know.
So I'm just not gonna do it.
No. That's not how it works.
Now you have an obligation to yourself
to ask a question.
Now is there a such thing as a
bad question?
Is there a such thing as a bad
question?
Let me tell you guys this story. There's
a time
when the prophet saw someone was giving a
hookah. He was advising
some of the companions. He was talking to
them,
and he told them that they have to
make Hajj.
K. He told them that they have to
make Hajj.
And this companion, one of the companions get
up. A man gets up and he says,
do we have to make Hajj every single
year?
And the prophets did not say anything.
So then this guy gets up a second
time and he says,
Do we have to make Hajj every single
year
of?
And does not say anything.
He gets up a third time.
You would think that he got the hint.
12 because was not like that. He wasn't
the type of person to ignore somebody.
He wasn't that type of person. When you
ask him a question, he will answer.
But he will stay silent if he knew
that was something that would have been too
difficult for him.
So the process of him did not say
anything 2 times.
So the guy gets up a third time,
not getting the hint.
You guys should pick up on hints and
social cues. It's very important.
3rd time, not getting the hint. He says,
and then the prophet tells him
If I had said yes to you, it
would have become mandatory upon me.
If the process was to answer and tell
them yes,
tell this guy yes. I will be seeing
here. We have to make Hajj. Then what
would that mean?
That what we know Hajj now to be
once in your lifetime
would have been what?
Every year.
So the scholars, what they say about this
is they say that when you have enough
information
for you to be able to carry out
the task that you need to carry out,
leave it at that.
Don't make things more difficult on yourself.
But when you need clarification
or you need to understand something or you
need to know something, then it's now your
responsibility
to make sure that you ask.
This is how we find balance in our
religion.
And it gives us the liberties
and it gives us the the liberties and
the confidence to do what we need to
do. But it gives us the balance so
that we don't go overboard.
How many times have you asked a question
and you regret to answer that question because
it made your life difficult?
Like that one person in the classroom says,
are you gonna pick up the homework? It's
like, excuse me, sir.
It's always a boy because boys do their
homework, like, one time. K?
They wanna turn it in that one time.
I don't pick up the homework and everybody
looks at that person like, are you kidding
me? Or you did this the first time
in, like, 10 years, you did your homework,
you're gonna ask?
No.
How many times have you asked a question
and you're like, I shouldn't have asked that
question because I wasn't ready for the answer.
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala says that. He says
all you who believe.
Don't ask all you who believe. Do not
ask about things
which if you get the answer
is gonna make you stressed
out. It's gonna be very difficult.
It's not saying don't ask because you are
lazy.
Don't do that. Like, I'm not gonna ask
how to pray because I was gonna pray.
No. It's not that's not what it's saying.
It's saying that when you have enough information
to carry out the task,
you go and you carry out your task.
When you're ready for more, then you ask
for more.
And so you have here and now I'm
gonna transition to,
you have here what Imam Ghazali student.
His student asks him a question.
And the question that he's asking him is
because he's ready for more.
He's ready to take his studies to another
level.
And Imam Ghazal does not answer a question
with a one word answer. He answers it
with a book.
This is the definition of don't ask if
you're not ready.
And what does this student do? His students
wanna take this advice very sincerely.
So when you guys are going and you're
asking people for advice and you're seeking advice,
you have to be ready to take the
advice that you're seeking.
Because I'm assuming you're going to people that
are trusted.
I'm assuming you're going to people that, you
know, you know, knows you.
That is not
trying to mess you up.
That wants the best for you, and that's
why you're seeking advice from these people.
You have to be ready to take that
us.
One of the things that I wanted to
bring up is a really interesting point about
taking advice. And the reason why I wanted
to bring it up is because how many
of you feel uncomfortable asking for advice?
How many of you are, like, totally comfortable
asking for advice? It's it's fine.
How many of you depends on the person
that you're asking?
Right? Now especially when it's someone
who's close to you, like, that might be
easier than other times, but the people that
are close to you may not be the
ones who are best suited to give you
advice that you need.
You know, I Safi and I are really
close, but if I need medical advice, if
I ask him,
I'm not gonna get the best advice.
Right?
And likewise, if he needs advice on something
that I'm not, I don't know anything about,
just because we're close and he's comfortable doesn't
mean that he's gonna get the best advice.
So
part of the difficulty
in asking for advice
is really there's 2 pieces.
Number 1
is being able to admit that you don't
know something,
And this is, like, the primary challenge of
everybody's nuts.
Being able to say that I don't know.
And
the reason why it's difficult is because
in in your age, in the college
age,
and also in our environment in the west,
not knowing something is equivalent to being a
failure.
Right? Like, your status is given to you
based on the things that you know, even
socially.
You know, someone told me the other day,
I made a reference to,
as a joke to someone to Kim and
Kanye, and they're like, oh, no. They're divorced.
And I was like, what?
And they were like, yeah. You didn't hear?
And I was like, no. And they were
like,
wow. Okay.
And there wasn't a lot of judgment coming
my way because I didn't know.
Not knowing something is tantamount to failure. Right?
Like, you failed in some way if you
don't know. Whether it's pop culture,
whether it's, you know, common you know, if
you don't know something you don't know. There's
a race I mean, the entire industry of
journalism and news media
is not a race about information, but it's
a race against time. Who can put out
information first?
Right? So there's a lot of pressure
for everybody to act like they know.
It kinda reminds me of my son, Musa.
He's almost 4,
and he's hilarious. No matter what sorry, Musa.
I didn't mean to make you look
up. My son, Musa, not Fatima's brother Musa,
my son Musa.
No matter what,
you ask him,
if you say, hey, do you know what
this is? It doesn't matter what you say,
he's gonna say yes.
Well, lobby, it's so frustrating.
My Musa, do you know where that is?
He goes, yes. I go, where is it?
He goes, where is it, Baba? I said,
you just said yes.
Right?
And I don't know whether it's not I'm
trying to figure out why you say yes
to everything.
Right? Musa, do you know what this is?
Yeah. Okay. What is it? What is it?
It's like talking to a parent. It's so
interesting.
And I'm trying to figure out, like, is
he actually pressed?
Does he think he knows what it is
and then he realized he doesn't? Or is
there something innate inside of every human being,
no matter matter how young or old,
that they always kinda wanna have the upper
hand?
They never wanna be
known to be ignorant of something.
It's very humbling for a person to say
I don't know.
Right? Especially when it's something
that you think everybody else already knows.
So number 1, in this giant, you know,
maze that we call life,
one of the most challenging things about seeking
advice is admitting that you don't know something.
It's a it's a very specific and a
very rare kind of strength
to admit that you don't know.
Not everybody has
it. Not everybody
has built up that discipline and that strength
that instead of saying
1%
and acting like they know a 100,
there are people that you'll meet that they
know 99%, and they act like they know
nothing.
Right? And there's actually what's the effect? Dun
Kruger effect? Is that what it's called? You
ever heard of that before?
Anyone know what that is?
The Dunne Kruger effect? You guys should know.
Anyone here, like, a psych major?
Are you started a psych major before your
parents told you to become a doctor?
So okay. The Dungruger effect, I believe it's
how it's pronounced,
is essentially this graph, this chart
that has 2 axes.
Number 1, axis number 1 is how much
you know about something,
And action number 2
is how much you think you know.
And the
the line on this chart is actually not
a straight line.
But, actually, the more that you actually learn
about something,
the less you think you know about that
thing.
So earlier on, when you just started
reading about something, you thought you knew everything.
Right?
But then, as you get into the level
of, like, mastery, and you start to read
book after book, or article after article, and
then you get your hands dirty, and you
start actually doing it. Right?
Then, after your experience is, like, 4, 5,
6 years with something,
then you're like, man, I am nowhere near
the best at this. I don't know what
I'm talking about. When I first started, I
thought I was the best. Now I'm learning
that I'm
not.
And so
it's a very painful realization. It's almost like
like ripping off a Band Aid.
Has to be done, but it's not fun
to admit that you don't know. I want
everyone to say I don't know.
Guys, say I don't know.
It's a really
uncomfortable thing to say. Like, a lot of
people just don't like saying it.
Right? Somebody tells you, like, hey. What's I
don't know. Right? Just admitting, just pleading the
fib. I don't know. Right?
Some of the scholars said that
half of knowledge
is like, half of Islamic knowledge is to
say I don't know.
Right?
So being able to put yourself in that
position, it feels, in the beginning, before you
say it, it feels like it's gonna be
humiliating, but it's actually very honor. It honors
you when you say that. A lot of
people and the people who are mature and
who actually do know,
they respect
so much when they see people say I
don't know.
So get comfortable saying that, not in the
wrong times.
You know, hey. When are you gonna be
here? I don't know.
Alright. Don't use it for your convenience to,
like, ruin something. I'm talking about if somebody
asks you a question
and there's implications to the answer. Right?
Better safe than sorry.
I don't know.
Let me go find out. I'll tell you
tomorrow.
Let me go ask some people. I'll figure
it out for you. Right?
Is this haram? Instead of being like, yeah.
For sure.
Why? I don't know. It looks haram to
me.
Right? Is this hot is this hot out?
Yeah. Absolute.
Really? Do you know that? Yeah. I think
so.
Taking that route. That's number 1. Okay?
Number 2
is that not knowing something doesn't mean that
you're not smart. Isn't that crazy?
Not knowing something doesn't mean you're not smart.
The prophet Muhammad
was the smartest of all human beings,
the most intelligent in every way, alayhi
salatu.
But Allah
tells
him
the Quran.
He says to seek counsel. Why do you
seek counsel, guys? Because you don't know something.
You seek people's opinions
so that you can be better informed.
So Allah
is telling the prophet
after the battle of Uhud, which we talked
about, that Fatima mentioned,
to seek counsel. And there's one scholar, Imam
Zar Noodi, he says something really powerful about
this moment.
He says, wow.
Isn't it amazing
that Allah is
telling
the prophet Muhammad
to go to people
who don't know as much as him,
who are not as intelligent as he is,
and he's the one that's receiving revelation from
the heavens, not them.
Why would somebody who's smarter
and receiving revelation from Allah,
why would that person ever be put in
a position where they have to ask someone
else for information?
Why?
So Imam Zermoudji says,
couldn't Allah have just given him the answer
to every question?
Isn't it possible? In fact, in fact, think
about it. Wouldn't it have been part of
his proof that he was a prophet?
If the prophet never had to ask a
question to anybody,
if he knew the answer to everything before
he even asked it, if he knew, if
God gave him that knowledge,
wouldn't it be kind of amazing? Wouldn't it
be, like, miraculous?
And then if he says I'm a prophet,
wouldn't people be more inclined to believing that?
What prove to us that you're a prophet,
and he would say, I know the answer
to everything.
Every answer I've had is correct. I've never
been wrong.
It would be convincing. It's a convincing argument.
But you know what's crazy? Allah
didn't give you that.
As much as that would be miraculous,
you know what's even more miraculous?
Is Allah teaching the prophet
to teach us to be humble enough to
ask.
That's the true miracle.
His character was the true miracle.
Knowing everything as miraculous as it sounds,
not as miraculous as being the best in
character. And part of being the best in
character
is being humble enough to ask. That's what
Iman's underneath. Beautiful point.
So this book that we're gonna talk about,
okay, part of the reason why we're reading
it
is because
it was written by somebody who's like you.
Like, he was a student of Imam al
Hazabi. He studied with him for many years.
And at the sort of, like, conclusion of
their studies,
not really conclusion, but, like, in the advanced
years,
he basically
writes Imam Al Azadi a letter. And he
tells him,
you know, I've studied all this religion with
you. I studied all this Islamic sciences with
you.
Can you please just write me back and
tell me
give me, like, a good,
like, strong summary of this.
Like, let me hear from you what is
the point. Like, what is the not that
he didn't believe. Of course, he believed, but
he's like, I wanna know the summary of
all of this. Because
it's like learning everything, and then you're like,
wait a minute. Give me, like, the nectar.
Right? Give me, like, the sweet stuff.
So Emmanuel Lazari, like, Estelle Paolo mentioned, he's
not just gonna write back one letter, he
wrote back a very long letter.
It's a letter with different chapters, and each
chapter starts with the phrase,
Oh,
my loving or beloved, either one,
son.
He's not actually his child,
but he's he's addressing him with that softness
because he wants him to know.
Right? Because number 1, it's intimidating to ask
somebody questions. He wants them to know what?
That I'm looking out for you. Part of
the reason why I'm answering these questions is
because I have love for you. Right?
And what's cool about Imam Al Azali is
that he
himself
went on a journey
that required him to ask some questions himself.
His background is very interesting.
Imam Al Azadi was born in the year
1058.
Okay? So he's, like, a 1000 years from
right, today. Almost a 1000 years from 2021.
Right? 900 or so years.
Right?
He was born in 1058
in a city called Tus.
He's Persian.
And from a very young age, his father
they were poor.
His father passed away when he was very
young,
and he had a brother named Ahmed.
And he and his brother were left in
the care
of some teachers,
some Islamic teachers.
And very quickly, Imam al Ghazali
Abuhammed,
he,
like, quickly climbed the ranks. He was very
intelligent, very smart.
And he graduated
from, like, reading Quran with his teacher
and learning from the imam of the city,
and then he went from there to another
city, Nishapur, Nisavun,
and he studied with
other teachers. And eventually, he got to, like,
the greatest teacher of the era,
Imam al Juwayni. They they call him Imam
al Haramain, the Imam of the 2 harams,
and he was known to be like the
greatest scholar of the time.
So Tom Szasady basically climbed
the Forbes 500 list or whatnot, and then
he made it to Google. Like,
he was he was up there. Then from
there,
he was pulled into
the court
of the the court of, like, the the
the
the leader, the minister,
he was basically
brought into the leadership of the,
of the Ummah,
of the Seljuk dynasty.
And he was like his councilman for the
leader. And then from there,
he was made the dean
of essentially what was, like, the harbor of
the time, the.
Okay?
And this is all by the way, you
know, you wanna how how many years he
lived?
He was 53 when he died.
So you can imagine this is all happening
very quickly.
And this all happened by the time he
was about 30. I'm 33.
Can you guys imagine if I walked in
here and I gave you that resume?
Like, yeah, I was a I was an
adviser. I was a Islamic adviser to, like,
world governments and I teach Islamic studies at,
you know, Azhub and, like, could you imagine
just like the woah. Or, like, Harvard and
you'd be like, wow. So now does that
he had that.
And then what happened was very interesting.
Okay?
One day he just disappears.
He just leaves.
He told his family he was going to
Hajj, and he was going to Hajj. He
didn't lie.
But he kinda went through
a crisis, like a mini crisis of faith.
He was a scholar.
In fact, he was so knowledgeable
that when he taught at the university,
all of the chairs that were there for
the students,
by the time the students would arrive, all
the chairs would be filled by who? Other
professors.
So he's a 30 year old,
30 ish, 35 maybe,
youngest professor, the dean,
and all of his classes, there's no room
for actual students.
It's other scholars that are attending his classes.
So all the students would come in and
there'd be nowhere to sit.
Right?
That's who he was. And then he just
bounces. He just dips
mysteriously. He tells his family he's going to
Hajj, but what they didn't know was that
actually he sold everything he had.
You know, if you go to hide, you
don't have to sell everything.
You leave some stuff, but you don't have
to sell he sold everything.
And what he what he did from there
was he made his little,
you know, he made his hides and then
he took a little detour,
and he decided to spend time
in Syria
and in Palestine, in Uts. He actually spent
2 years in in Jerusalem.
And he traveled,
across a little bit of the Northern African
region,
and then he came back,
to,
Iran, modern day Iraq. And he actually spent
time in what was called,
they call it the. He spent time in,
seclusion.
Total seclusion.
Okay? He, like, basically went to, like, spiritual
hibernation.
And you know how long he did that
for?
Almost 8 years.
Almost 8 years. He traveled. Hajj took him
about 2, 3 years, that whole journey, about
2, 3 years,
and he stayed away from people for about
8 more years after that.
Why did he stay away from people?
Why?
So interesting. Right? At the top of your
success,
at the top of everything that you've worked
so hard at, you just vanish
for over 10 years. Could you imagine doing
that?
And he talks about the reason why he
did. He has a book that he wrote,
an autobiography
called,
deliverance from air.
It's his autobiography.
He writes about
how when he was climbing that ladder,
there was something that was happening internally within
him.
He talks about it. He says, you know,
I was extremely knowledgeable. I knew all the
sciences. I was super sharp.
I could recite everything from memory. I was
this, this, this,
this, but my heart was not content
with my faith.
I was not content with where I was.
I was not content with my relationship with
Allah,
and I realized you guys ever heard of,
like, imposter syndrome?
He's like, I realized that I was kind
of ordering on this
being an imposter.
And I was up there lecturing everybody about
religion and what Allah says and what his
messenger says and etcetera
etcetera, but I actually mean nothing about my
own spiritual state.
So he did
and he left
and didn't come back.
And he only ended up coming back after
the
seclusion at the begging
of the leadership of the time to come
back and take his post.
Now during this time, these 8, 9, 10,
11 years is when he wrote all of
his
his,
his books. You know, he wrote
volume. I'm talking, like, over 40, 50 volume
of books.
So he wrote all of this
and his entire purpose of writing and his
entire life was dedicated
to one title of one book that he
had,
He felt like he wanted to revive
the religious science. He felt like religion
became like a cocktail party conversation.
Who could flex the most?
Who knew the most?
Who could answer these deep philosophical questions the
most?
It's kinda like TikTok, like who can get
the most likes,
who can get the most shares, who can
get the most follows. I mean, this problem
of the most
is gonna play humanity from day 1 to
now. Right?
Different words, but the same concept.
So he felt like everybody was just chasing
popularity
and fame and money,
And he was surrounded by Muslims who were
doing this, and he felt like he was
slipping into that.
And so he decided to leave all of
that
and find sincerity. That's what he wanted.
So when his student writes him this letter,
his student is kinda asking him,
oh, Sheikh,
can you tell me what it is that
you found
on that journey?
You know, you left for so long.
You went to go find your faith. Can
you tell me what it is that you
found? And Imam Al Ghazali gives him 23
letters back.
He writes a letter with 23 different sections.
They're short,
but he tells him this is what I
found.
And that's what we're gonna read together. Inshallah.
You're gonna be able to know
what it is that he spent 10 years
looking for.
We're gonna cover that this year inshallah.
And the reason why we chose this is
because
this is your you may not be gone
for 10 years,
but many of you will probably relate very
much to what did.
He wanted to find out why he believed
in Islam.
He didn't just wanna believe in it. He
wanted to know why.
And he wanted to explore that
in a way that was super meaningful and
very authentic to him. Not because he was
famous, not because he was good at it,
not because he was already the top. Right?
These aren't reasons to be Muslim.
So when you ask yourself, why am I
Muslim?
Many of you say, oh, because I believe
in it. But how many of us,
one of the reasons that's dangerously
close to the top is because I was
born Muslim.
Ask yourself this, if you weren't born Muslim,
would you have converted?
Right? We want that answer
to be yes. Absolutely.
But how would I know unless I knew
I was Muslim in the first place?
So Imam Ghazali, like, went on his own
journey to find out,
and it was beautiful what he came back
with. So inshallah inshallah, we'll open up to
some q and a right now, But we
are gonna start
with
reading the book next week. And we're gonna
try to get a hold of the book
for everybody, that way you're not just, like,
listening to us. You guys can actually have,
like, a piece of paper
or a notebook in your hand with the
book,
and you can write down some thoughts. You
know, if if if Sala Fatima says something
that really,
like, blows your mind, you can write it
down.
Okay? And this book is gonna be very
powerful. It's one of my favorites.
It's one of my favorite books from the
left, so I'm happy to be sharing with
you guys.
We'll go ahead and take a few questions
now for wrap up, and then we have
some,
some snacks and refreshments for y'all all the
way out. Anyone got any questions
for myself or
Safi or Pablo?
Hang
on. Yep.
So the the reception, it wasn't that it
wasn't a public book. So the question is,
like, you know, how was it received? It
wasn't like a public book. It was actually
like a a memoir that he wrote.
But it's kind of it's not a very
scholarly book.
You're not gonna find a lot of you're
not gonna find really any,
you know,
technical language in it. It's not like he's
breaking down issues.
It's a very
heartfelt
reflective book.
When you read it, you kinda feel like,
man,
you know, he's just kind of giving it
to you straight. He's not trying to, you
know,
he's not trying to show off. He's not
trying to give you a textbook. He just
wants this is just good advice,
you know.
So that's the kind of vibe that you
get when you read it versus the yeah,
which is like, you know, it has a
lot of technicality to it, has a lot
of technical language in it,
and it's very long. This book in the
is is the exact opposite of all of
that. So and again, there's a there's a
need for both kinds of
texts. Yeah.
Anyone else? Questions about this or anything else?
Anyone have any questions about anything else you
can ask.
Yeah.
How do you ask for advice when you
are somebody who doesn't usually ask for advice?
As we know, as with every anything,
you have to start somewhere.
You know? It's it's like me it's like
saying, like, how do you start working out
if you're not somebody who works out?
You know, the reality is, like,
you just have to start.
And when you start, then it'll kind of
get there. So what I actually I'll tell
you guys a funny story. This is broadcasted,
but it's not my personal account, so my
mom is not watching. Okay. So the other
day
the other day,
I was reading and preparing for some some
I was reading some some tafsir in Arabic,
some different Arabic books.
And my mom, you know, she's Egyptian, she
speaks Arabic, she reads Arabic, and she reads
tafsir for fun. That's kinda like her thing,
for fun. She reads tafsir for fun. So
I thought to myself, you know, let me
let me call her and let me sort
of, like,
engage with her on
this and
kind of, like, you know, talk to her
about it. Maybe ask her some questions, even
though I
pretty I'm pretty sure I know the answer.
Right? But let me let me try to
do that with her. You know? Have you
guys ever done that before with your parents?
Like, ask them to help you with something
you didn't need help with? Anybody?
Really good tip, by the way. If you're
trying to build that relationship,
really good tip is just ask for help
even though you don't really need it. Right?
And then make sure you do it the
way they're saying. So I I call my
mom, and I'm like, hey, mama. Like, I'm
gonna be I'm reading this here this this
this Surah.
You know, I wanted to ask you, mama,
like, this part, you know, he says, and
I read the part to her. And I
said, you know, is that what I think
it is? Like, is it this, you know,
kind of trying to engage her? And I
knew exactly what the author was saying.
And what does she do is that she
responds with a 16 minute WhatsApp voice message,
where she's like, I'm gonna break I'm gonna
pray. I'm gonna break my fast.
I'm gonna pray, and then I'll get the
test here, and I'll read it to you,
and I'll explain it to you.
Mind you, like, I didn't need that.
Right? Like, I already read it,
but she wanted to do that. Okay?
So I had to kinda get over my
arrogance.
I had to get over my arrogance. Like,
I I saw that 16 minute voice mail
and I'm like, oh my god.
And mind you, I just got done reading
the chapter, so everything she's reading, I already
read it.
But she thinks, like, you know, miss Keane
is, like, you know, half white, he doesn't
understand Arabic well enough, like, he needs he
needs my help and, you know, this, like,
kind of stuff.
So she read it. She literally you're gonna
laugh, I'm talking. She actually read,
she actually read the taseer line by line
and translated
it line by line, literally, for 16 minutes.
And I listened to the whole thing even
though I knew exactly what she was gonna
say. And at the end, what do I
do? What do you guys what should a
what should a son do at that point?
What's what's the right move?
Say thank you. There you go. You know
it. Just say thank you.
I could have said, mama, I already know
this.
Right? I'm 4 minutes and I'm like, mama,
just finish reading that. You don't have to
right?
But that would have been an that would
have been an arrogant moment for me.
Right? So humility actually is not whether or
not you know or don't know. Oh, if
I don't know, I'll be humble. If I
know, then I can no. Humility is just
being, like,
even if I know, I'm going to
still listen.
Because what? Because reminders are beneficial too.
But maybe when she reads it, she's gonna
have something that I didn't catch.
And what's the harm in me hearing it
again?
So to answer your question, Myra, I think,
you know, the the the real issue is
is Myra?
Mariam. Mariam. Sorry.
And to your question, Mariam,
the real
the real the hardest step is just
starting
to ask questions even if you don't know
the answers.
Even if you know. I'm sorry. Not in
an annoying way,
but in a way that shows that you
know what? I don't have to
know everything.
I can ask.
Yeah. So just start small.
That's what I recommend.
Yeah.
Anybody else got any
questions?
Anyone else? Yeah.
Yeah. So there's 2 things to that. The
first thing is
it's so important to
figure out why that bothers you so much,
you know, the advice that's given. Because sometimes
we like the advice, but we don't like
the person that gave the advice. Right? So
sometimes you get advice from somebody,
and you're like, I know this is the
thing that I should do, but I don't
wanna do it. And it's not even about
the advice and stuff. It's about the person.
You may not like that person or you
may feel like that person always has something
to say. You know? And that is
a humbling moment for you in the sense
that
just because you may not care for somebody
or just because you and care for somebody,
I mean, like, in the sense that I
don't like them being nice about it.
Just because that's how you have a feeling,
they'll show them stories that person, it doesn't
mean that if they can you get advice,
you don't take it.
K? So that's, like, a big, humbling moment.
The second thing is that
when it comes to things that we know
are good for us
that we should do,
it's very difficult to fight your mouse. There's
a very it's it's a it's a common
thing
in the sense that our
is something
that we are striving or we're working against
our entire life.
So you will have that, for example,
you know
that you're supposed to pray.
You know it. It's like fact. You know
what I'm saying? You know that you have
to pray. But for some reason,
maybe there is that one prayer that every
single time it's time to make that prayer,
there's something that comes up or you're too
tired or you're too frustrated or you're too
this or you're too bad. There's always an
excuse that seems so valid to
you. That's your enough convincing you not to
do that. So maybe sometimes when you have
gotten advice from somebody about something that's maybe
very difficult,
about something that maybe is like you're like,
oh, you may have went into that into
that,
conversation,
hoping that that person would tell you what
you wanted to hear,
and they didn't. They told you the truth
And how are you supposed to deal with
that situation?
And that's going completely
against your mask. It's going completely against the
part of you that doesn't want you to
be great. And so you have to muster
up the strength
as difficult as it may be, as annoyed
as you may feel, and push through that.
You have to push through it because you're
saying that I know this is good for
me. When you know that something is good
for you, you have to do it. You
have to push through. Does that answer your
question?
Any other questions?
There's someone up here asking.
Yes.
There's a balance. There's a balance. It's not
necessarily giving up on somebody. It's being balanced.
So for instance, there is a companion of
the prophet, a companion
of the prophet
who had a drinking problem.
And obviously, the prophet would advise him
that he should not drink. Like, the prophet
would not hang out at home or like,
oh, yeah. You wanna drink? Go ahead. I'll
just wait out here. Like, no. He will
obviously advise him that he should not drink,
and the guy had received, like, punishment for
his public drinking, his public intoxication.
So when it came time for his punishment
to come, we knew, like, they would basically
just kinda just they had different,
consequences for different actions.
So when the time for the punishment came,
another complainant came up, and they started to
curse him. Like, may the curse of God
belong to you? And the prophet said, no.
You can't do that because this person
believes in Allah, and he believes in Allah's
messenger.
Now when the companion who had a drink,
he probably he wasn't around for a long
time, the would
say, I miss him.
Like, what if he's somebody go find him
from since he was a funny guy, he
used to tell jokes, trust him, enjoy this
company.
You can enjoy the company of your friends
even if they're not taking their advice.
You know, your responsibility is to always be
true and to be honest to them, but
it doesn't mean that you nag. It doesn't
mean that you're always nagging. It doesn't mean
that because people sometimes need time too.
You know, you give them advice. You let
them know that this is the right thing
to do or what you're doing is not
okay, and you give them time to process.
You give them time to be able to
implement that. And when they come to you,
you are definitely honest. Like, definitely be honest.
But don't make it that every time you
see somebody, you're like, you're supposed to be
doing this. You're supposed to be doing this.
You're supposed to be doing this. Then it
makes that person uncomfortable
to be around you. Because now it's kinda
like every single time I come to you,
you tell me something I'm doing wrong, and
that's not, like, a nice feeling. So you
have a conversation about it once or twice.
And also when they come to you, you
are very honest in your advice that you
give to them, then that's fine. You've done
your part. Now it's time for them to
take on that advice.
Does that make
sense?
Any other questions?
That's the beauty of friendships. Right? Like, that's
the beauty of friendships, mentorships, things of that
nature is that you have a relationship with
the person in some capacity. Right? And so
sometimes
when somebody comes to you I know, for
example, with friends, it's very possible that your
friends do not want your advice.
They're coming to you to that. Like, some
some of my friends would tell me, I
understand that you have a lot of opinions.
I don't want it right now. I just
wanna vent to you. And I'm the tech
person. I'm still gonna give you my opinion,
but it's gonna be later. You know, I
understand what you need from me at this
moment.
But if you say something wrong, I'm gonna
tell you. It just made me later on.
It may not be right there in that
moment. So
having
intelligence,
like, social intelligence,
Emotional.
Emotional. Social and emotional. Social and emotional intelligence
is very important. You know, recognizing the situation,
recognizing the person who's coming to you,
and realizing what are your parents or your
habits for me too. I know that with
the plan. Like, when someone comes and asks
the same question over and over again,
then at some point, you have to ask
you do have to ask them, like, what
do you want?
What What do you want? What are you
trying to get out of this conversation?
Okay. Are you being on do you want
me to be honest with you, or do
you are you coming to me because you
want me to tell you what you wanna
hear? Because when you're coming to me to
tell you what you wanna hear, you came
to the wrong person. That's fine. It's okay
to have those nice, clear, honest conversations. You
don't have to be rude about it When
you see that the person's coming over and
over and they're asking you what should I
do, and you're doing the same advice over
and over again. It's okay. Or maybe I
can refer to somebody else that you could
possibly listen to because maybe I'm not the
right person for you to be asking.
So yeah.
Any questions?
Yes.
I will say it's it's it's not easy.
There's no, like, quick solution to this when
when your parents
or anybody that you should respect. So, like,
parents, teachers, other siblings,
you know, the people at work that are
maybe superior in in their position.
It's not easy. Part of it has to
do with, like,
you could be right and not have to
win an argument. I think, like, the the
one of the greater lessons from the prophet
Muhammad's all said is that there's actually reward
for somebody who's able to swallow their pride
and to
take the * basically to concede
the argument.
You know, the prophet said that there's a
there's a a palace promised in the in
the center of paradise
for the one who gives up arguing even
when they know they're right.
That last part is kinda cool, like, even
when they know they're right.
So when you're in a when you're in,
like, a heated conversation,
you know, what ends up being the problem
when you and your parents disagree? Disagree. And
this is something, by the way, that's documented
in the Quran.
Ibrahim Ayay Salam and his father.
Okay? The brothers of Yusuf with their father.
You have examples of people, prophet Luke with
his son. You have examples
of prophets,
whether they were on the side of being
the child or being parent,
where they showed, like, disagreement.
Right? Why did Allah
do that? Why did he show us that?
Well, in part, to show us that it's
normal. It's natural. It's not something that makes
you bad or makes you strange. And how
do you disagree with your parents?
If prophets have disagreed with their parents
or with their children,
then that means that it's gonna be
it's gonna happen to you.
Right? As a parent, it's gonna happen to
you as a child, it's gonna happen to
you. What we have to do though is
look at how the prophets handle it.
How they did not handle it and how
they did handle it. So you see, for
example, that Yahu Alaihi Salam, he knows his
sons are lying.
He
knows they're
lying. Right? When his sons say that a
wolf came and ate Yusuf,
he knows that that's not true.
Okay?
And there's different narrators that explain why he
knew. Right? Part of it was that,
you know, the the the shirt was really
cleanly cut.
You know, there was a lot of different
things, but he knew he was aware.
But he didn't he didn't
just blatantly outright call his kids like you
guys are all, you know, more liars, and
I hate you now, and you've got rid
of my son and how I ever forgive
you.
You just complained to Allah. So Allah, in
the Quran, is advising parents that, look, sometimes
your kids are gonna do things that you're
really gonna hate and you know that they're
lying.
But it's not always the right route to
blow up your kid's spot when they're lying.
Right? So sometimes with Harry, you have to
play the long game. Now as a son,
we learn from him. I said I'm a
very similar lesson.
He's arguing with his father, and this isn't
a matter of debate, by the way, words.
Good points on both sides.
No.
His father
was
worshiping idols.
Right? Some in some,
interpretations in unclean. Either way, your father figure
was worshiping idols.
So what does Ibrahim do? Ibrahim
is arguing, and then eventually,
he just concedes.
He doesn't tell him that, okay. You you
know, worst battle is fine. Let's do it.
He just says to me, look.
I've made my point.
You're not accepting it. I don't want this
to escalate any further.
I'm just gonna make you out of now.
That's my that's my my
that's my course of action from your thing
wrong. So in those form, Adam, we are
taught that you are allowed to have
conversation. You should be able to have conversation.
But at the end of the day,
if it's a brick wall or some brick
wall,
there's no point in trying to,
you know, combust
the the other person or yourself. And you
have to learn really
what battles are worth fighting and what battles
are not worth not worth fighting.
Right?
Again, is that easy? No. It's not.
But the existential crisis of every
young person
in college. It's like, what battle do I
pick with my parents? And by the way,
some parents are gonna be different.
Your mom might have certain battles that your
dad doesn't care about. Your dad might have
how they often care about.
Right? So you have to kind of be
and this is all about, you know, big
intelligence.
Now let me finish it off one thing.
Why? Why does it matter? It matters because
when you develop this kind of skill at
a young age,
guess where that helps you?
Helps you
later with your
own family. Exactly. With your spouse, and your
kids, and your friends, and your coworkers,
and life.
And you find that people who are not
able
to manage their relationships early on in life
are not able to manage them later on.
Right? If they weren't able to manage disagreements
with their siblings, with their parents, or whatnot,
guess what?
They are horrible people later on in life
too.
They gotta figure out that eventually, and sometimes
it's really late.
So all of this is not for nothing,
if I'm trying to tell you. It's not
like, oh, man. I just gotta live with
my parents and, like, there's gotta be these
really hurtful moments where they might say things.
No. You're gaining from that even if you
don't realize it. Now is there a time
where maybe when things are kinda calm down,
you can go and address that? Yeah. There's
a time, but you know better than I
do. Right? You know your parents better than
I do, and you know how to approach
them with that. If they said something or
did something that was hurtful,
maybe at that time when things are explosive,
it's not the right time to say something.
But later
on, you can approach up with that. But
I just wanted you to know that these
tensions, these disagreements,
if they exist or when they exist,
you know, like, a lot tells them to
size that what's the not to pay them
to see.
It's all part of your preparation.
And later in life, you're gonna be like,
oh my god.
Like, I know exactly why Allah will be
through that. It's those moments will be revealed
very, very,
very, very, very good.
We're gonna go ahead and, oh, take one
more question. Yes, sir. No worries.
So there's a so the question is, like,
if you blew through it, you'd repeat it.
Alright. Who's asking? Yeah. You okay?
First of all, that's a really good question.
Secondly,
yes.
3rd,
it doesn't mean that your first prayer didn't
matter or didn't count.
But if you have time and ability, you
can always,
you know, better that prayer than your first
one, your knuckle prayer.
What I would advise though is that it
can be a slippery slope
because you're never really gonna pray the perfect
prayer.
Right? You will have some prayers that are
better than others. What I would say is
need to give yourself a threshold of what
is a good quality salah to you. Right?
What's a threshold?
For some people, it's time. For some people,
it's a level of focus, but you need
to grade yourself.
As long as you've accomplished that grade, then
don't repray it. But if you know
that, you know what,
it's the 2nd rock on, I'm I'm still
thinking about, like, what I'm gonna eat for
dinner
or, like, what, you know, my friend said
to me or, like, that hilarious TikTok that
I saw or
whatever. And you know that, you know what,
I haven't really been present at all throughout
this,
then it might be the better thing to
do for you to end your prayer. Maybe
you can make Google
and go and refresh your Google and pray
again. Right? Just to kinda give yourself that.
And ask yourself why you're being distracted in
the first place. A lot of times the
bad prayer can be saved
with just a little bit of preparation.
And when I say a little bit, I
mean, like, 60 seconds.
How many of y'all have ever stood up
to pray and then quickly sat down before
you prayed for a minute just to clear
your mind?
And now when you're doing, they're, like, nervous
or about to do something really, really serious,
they'll be like, give themselves a minute just
to breathe.
You know?
So imagine if you treated the other things
in your life that were very important with
the same level of care that we do
with Salaam.
We'd be pretty much mad at everything.
So that's why Mount Sinai writes in his
book, like,
the secrets of prayers. One of the things
he says is, like, take a good spot
to pray.
Take a good time to pray.
Don't pray in an area where you're gonna
be distracted.
Take in an area that's clean and smells
nice.
Do you need to use the bathroom? Are
you hungry? Like, there's all these questions that
you have to go through,
and as long as you've answered them reasonably
well, you should be able to have good
fold the chairs? Oh, and we can all
fold the chairs
and just just put them all
all on
your side.