Saad Tasleem – What’s the Best Age to Get Married
AI: Summary ©
The importance of marriage in Islam is discussed, emphasizing the need for a sense of peace and comfort in relationships, as marriage is a social contract. The speakers stress the importance of protecting oneself from "monster" and "monstery," as well as developing healthy communication skills to avoid conflict. It is also emphasized that privacy and reputation are crucial for marriage counseling and finding qualified individuals is crucial.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala Rasulillah who is early he will be here women wanna sit I want to come what happened to law he would have got to, sorry had a little bit of a technical difficulty with the camera. Turns out the camera wasn't plugged in. But had they not we're here now. First and foremost, thank you for joining me live and if you're watching this later, thank you for watching this later as well. How'd they last Good to have you here. I would love to hear where you're from where you're watching from where you're joining us from. So wherever you are in the world in the in the comments in the chat. Go ahead and let me know where you're joining us from.
It's a delay of sad from Birmingham in the UK.
had the luck we have zeyneb from Kuwait, masha Allah and wasa Helen miroir from London, photo hot Sri Lanka. We have I don't know what that name is. But it's Chicago, we have some Chicago, London had the lab Bradford Brad Austin right Rata Stein, we have some from Brad Austin, New York City, Algeria, Masha, Allah, beautiful, I love seeing this at the beginning of our live sessions, it gives me an idea of just the diversity of Islam and handler in everyone joining us from different parts of the world. And I think your backgrounds today especially will add a lot to our discussion. Because we may have a certain view of an issue like this.
And subhanAllah, that view can very much be molded by our background, where we grew up our culture, what we have been exposed to, and even our own personal experiences, and all of that has a big impact on how a lot the way we view something like this something, especially something like this a question like when you should get married, right? What is the best age to get married, and we'll get into the discussion shall want to add up in a little bit. But I would you know, as we start talking about this, I'd love to hear your perspective on this as well. So don't hesitate to, you know, put your put your view or how you feel about this in the chat. I do try to keep my eye on the chat to
see what people are saying. And so I will try to address you know, your comments and your questions as well. Inshallah, Adam.
Okay, so, first of all, now, I said that, you know, our background, it makes a big difference in how we view this type of issue. And that is true, because Islamically first and foremost, when it comes to marriage, and I think this is you know, Islam 101 Most people know this and they understand this marriage in Islam is very much part of our deem right we've all heard the hadith of a half of your religion This is a Hadith of the Prophet send them in which the Prophet said a lot it's and then he said that there's no wood in the stick mela NIS for Deen that a person is the servant of Allah when they get married. Then they have completed Nyssa Deen has half of their Deen half of their faith.
And then Parshuram said find the female but the that the person should have the Taqwa of Allah be cautious of Allah in that which remains of their Deen. Right. So this Dean, half of your dean means this is a very important aspect of our faith, getting married. And also Allah has pointed to Allah in the Quran. I mean, marriage is so important that Allah mentions it as one of his signs one of the Ayat of Allah, as Allah says, in sort of a room, woman iOttie and Haleakala coming unfussy come as wotja that it is from the signs it is from his side
means that he created from yourselves
as wotja mates, right? So spouses, and then Allah gives us the purpose behind that now we get to okay marriage is one of the signs of Allah whose power to Allah. And then what is the purpose of marriage or one of the purposes of marriage, leave this school in Asia, right? That you may find, you know, this this guru in a really means you find tranquility, in this companionship in this marriage, and you know, this,
yeah, and this in this marriage, but, you know, the, when Allah says the disco na where this comes from, second, right in the second is, you know, living, right, so there's an aspect of living and existing with another human being. And then also sukoon, right, which is peace and tranquility. So, it tells us that as human beings, we naturally desire
this for ourselves that we naturally desire that we don't live alone, you know, we live with someone, but not that we just live with someone because you can live with someone and have a horrible life with someone. And that's not great. And that's not what we desire. We desire to live with someone to be with someone in peace and tranquility, right, really find comfort, and find rest and calm. And that is why Subhanallah one of the things that we look for in a good relationship and a good marriage is that calm, and that comfort Milla whose penalty Allah grant us all a marriage or marriages that have that peace and calm and comfort in it. That is what we're looking at, not to say
that a marriage should not have any rough moments, or difficult moments or moments where there's no, there's a lack of common comfort, that's life, you know, there's no life without difficulty and hardship, right? But they're the those moments of peace and tranquility and comfort that we find in our spouse. That is something that we naturally desire. And that is why love then says, well, Jai nabina, Muhammad, that Tawana that Allah made between you muda you can say this is affection, affectionate love, while Rama, and this is mercy. And our scholars tell us that those two ingredients are very important to a marriage that desires that sukoon and marriage that desires,
that tranquility, that what drama must be there. So we strive for that a lot of times this may be present in the beginning of a marriage, but it may go away, or it may wither out, or wither away as the relationship goes on. But that is one of our goals that in our marriage, we try to sustain and increase the affection, love and affection, and also mercy because without that, we won't have a calm and a peaceful relationship. So we all understand. Hopefully, that, you know, marriage is an important part of our deen. As a matter of fact, you know, for us as Muslims, marriage is not just a social contract, it is it is considered an act of worship to Allah subhanaw taala, that by getting
married, we, you know, obviously we're if we're getting married for the right reasons in the proper way, and so on and so forth. That this is something that can bring us closer to Allah who's Penola data, alright, so it is considered an act of worship, as the process and and one indication of this is the Hadith of the parsers. In them mentioned, I believe in Timothy, in which the Prophet satellite send them you said hydrocal hydrocone. Early, he was on a hydrocone le, he said, The best of you are those who are best to their families, and I invest in my family, meaning I'm an example for you, if you want to see how to be to live with your family, to live with your spouse, then take
my example but the best of you best in what way best in this dunya Yes, but also best in a spiritual way. Right meaning in our techwatch in our relationship with Allah Subhana Allah, what makes us the best is how we treat our families, how we treat our spouses. So if we treat our spouses in the best way, and if we live with them in kindness and and humility, and generosity and so on and so forth, then that makes us the best right or amongst the best and that is not just as I said, not just in this dunya but in our relationship with Allah Subhana Allah. So we seek, we seek closeness to Allah through our good relationships, and amongst that obviously is is getting married now. So as I said,
that's a little bit of a long introduction to a topic which I think most people already understand if you've ever attended a wedding, and there's the Imam gave a speech give a hookah they probably mentioned this I you know, and as mentioned the Hadith and you're like, Okay, I've heard it, you know, Kairos I get it, but I just just for people who may not have heard this before, as a reminder, I wanted to mention this as well. So that is understood. Now. The natural
Next step or the not natural
path to go down, go down after that would be and this is what you hear a lot of Muslims say that the best time to get married,
the best age to get married, the best time to get married is the earlier the better. So if it is part of our deen as we said it is, if it is an act of worship, which we said it is, it is a way for us to fulfill one of the things that we naturally desire. As we said, we desire companionship, we desire tranquility, to live with someone and peace and tranquility. So if it's all that, then why not the sooner the better, right? So you take a look at any type of goodness in this life, right?
If we have the ability to, to to attain that goodness earlier than the earlier the better, right? So that's the natural way of understanding this. And this, why a lot of people, and I imagine you can tell me how you feel about this in the comments. A lot of people's opinion is the earlier the better. There's anyone here who feels that way. The earlier you get married, the better.
Let me know in the comments if you think
it's not and I'm not saying I disagree. I'm not saying I agree or disagree yet. We're going to talk about it. But that's a natural. That's it. That's a natural. Nope. Okay. Someone said nope. Someone said yes.
Yes, we have a few yeses
earlier, the better more protection against Xena. Yeah, that's a very important point. Right. So So and that is very good. That's an excellent point. Sorry, thank you for mentioning that.
Not I'm not talking to myself, the person who commented the name inside as well. So just you know, not referring to myself in person.
But side, in the comments said that protects you from Xena. Yeah, so. So not only is it all the reasons that I mentioned before, but also the more the being being involved in the highlight protects us from the Haram that's natural. It's a natural aspect, or characteristic of what Allah has made halal, that it is also meant as a protection from the Haram, the permissible, protects us from the impermissible. You can imagine SubhanAllah. If a person spends their whole day doing that, which is permissible, then they're gonna have less time to do that which is impermissible. That's just natural. It's normal. So yes, true. Right. So protects us from falling into fall, falling into
Zina, adultery, and so on and so forth. Absolutely correct. So
yes, so the earlier the better. Now, by default, we would say yes, that makes sense. Right? That makes sense. That the earlier a person gets married, the better and actually we do have evidence to support that right from the shitty i from Islam from the statement of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said some Allahu alayhi wa sallam, Jamar Shabbos Shabaab he said Oh young people right so now he's talking to people were young what is the encouraging encouraging them with minus thought I'm in combat of * yet as a wedge, he says otherwise and then whoever amongst you can afford to get married, who is able to basically get married? Then they should do so. Right? So this is this is
a record this one person is saying Oh, young people referring to young people that if you're able to get married, you should get married. Right.
And and you know, obviously affordability is is one aspect of it but there's more to it and then once that I'm said woman let me also clarify he does so and the person who is not able to do so then they should
fast right? They should fast so you know we were talking about protecting oneself against zinna and so on and so forth a person who has that you know, as it's a natural thing right? To have those desires so percent um, recognize that that as a young person, young people are going to have those desires and generally generally not always but at a younger age that desire can be stronger right and usually is stronger so what do you do percent well one of the recommendations he made some a lot I said to him is too fast right fasting? If I said I'm said for him No, no in the hula hoe which they said we get he said sort of life and limb that that will be a a restraint or a protection for
this person. So fasting will protect them from falling into their ear to below something which is haram. Right something which is haram.
So someone said, only get married, if you can afford it. There is a big responsibility of financial requirements that come with marriage. Yeah. Finances. Now, finances is one thing that should be very clear. So if we're going to say, the younger than better, we have to very much acknowledge and say, Look, if you're not able to get in, if you're not financially able to get married, then you don't get married. Because you don't want to put yourself in a situation where you are now responsible for another human being. You're responsible now for a family and
You may have children, and then now a person not able to fulfill their responsibilities
towards their family. Right. So I think everyone should agree even people who are like know that the sooner the better the younger, the better. That should absolutely be the case. We have people who are very staunch on that. They have to admit at the very least, that younger the better. Yeah. Unless you can't afford to do it. Right. So that's, that's at least this. Hopefully, we can agree on that. Is anyone who disagrees with that? Anyone in the comments? Let me know if you disagree with that. That even if you say the younger, the better. The earlier the better. The exception to that would be finances? Yes or no? Yes. Y'all agree? Anyone who disagrees?
Okay. I don't see any disagreements here. So that should be obvious, right? Had the No, we agree. But when we're so that's, that's step number one, let's talk about other abilities as well. Right.
And that is Subhanallah getting married. So if we agree about financial capability, we also must admit, and you're free to disagree with me in the comments, you also have to admit that there are other abilities as well. Let's talk about a big one. maturity, right? Because marriage is not just about it, can I pay for the wedding? And can I can I provide for my spouse and can I provide for my children, there's also the maturity of being responsible, as I said, of maturity, okay, any providing and that, that being responsible for other human beings, but also sharing a life with another human being right. So a person may not be mature enough to be married. So we would say this
person is actually not able to get married because they lack the maturity, because if they were to get married, then it would be disastrous situation because they're not mature enough, right? And actually, so that's, that's, that's, that's another factor. Another factor may be finding the right person, and this is where it gets kind of controversial people will say, I need.
So the person who said not maturity, but commitment, being able to commit and to live up to the commitment is part of maturity, right? Or it can be part of maturity, that can a person any anyone can commit, anyone can say, I get married, right? Sign the contract, you know, I agree that you know, Islamically verbal, I'll do it getting married is easiest Halla. Actually, getting married is easy, but being able to live to the commitment that one makes, that's another matter, right? That's what we say, is the person really mature enough? Or do they have the maturity or they have the ability to live up to that commitment? Right. So that's the question that that should be that should
we should factor, we're talking about finances, we should also factor that in as well. Maturity. I below said, please come to India for Islamic lectures. One day in sha Allah, if it's possible, I ask Allah to make it possible for me to come to India because I can love him. But yeah, so so that so so that commitment coming in as part of it very much so.
And so the ability and then so that definitely has to come under is the person able to get married or not?
Being able to so you know, I need to be in a being in an in an emotional and psychological place where a person is ready as well, that is another thing that needs to be looked at also. So for example, let's say somebody is dealing with certain issues in their life, right? certain problems in their life, and you can you can list a lot of things in those problems, even today. Hamdulillah, there's a lot of attention being given to like mental health, a person may be dealing with issues of their mental with their mental health. This is not the person you say, Hey, man, go get married, or Hey, sister, go get married. And he, you know, taught us it'll just automatically fix everything.
No, if a person is dealing with certain issues, those issues need to be worked upon, and saw hopefully solved, but at least worked upon, before a person complicates their life of bringing another individual into it, right. And by the way, according to Islam, if a person has a serious illness
that needs to be disclosed before the marriage before they get married. Right. So let's say someone has a,
a an illness that affects the quality of their life, right? This is not something that you're allowed to hide from your potential spouse. Why? Because it has an impact on your relationship is gonna have an impact in how you live together. Right? So so you're not allowed to hide that. And so it is my opinion. And Allah has meant to UNO's boasts that those are, you know, physical illnesses come under that. It is my opinion that even mental illness should come under that as well. So let's say a person is dealing with clinical depression, right? Or a person is dealing with addiction, you know, and these are serious. These are illnesses.
Technically, Danny and illness is an illness, whether it's a physical addiction, a physical illness, or a mental illness and illness is an illness, right and needs to be dealt with. So that in my opinion, and Allah knows best, that is something that should also be disclosed and discussed before a person gets married. Right? Why? Because this is something that now the couple is going to have to deal with together, let's talk about addiction. So how long somebody has an addiction, and addiction can seriously, depending on how severe the addiction is, it can seriously affect your life, it can seriously affect the quality of one's life, it can affect your it can, it can have so much of an
impact on a person's life, it can have serious, serious consequences on a person's life, then how can we bring somebody into our life, agree to marry them and live with them for the rest of our life, and not disclose that and not discuss that, you know, this is going to be a serious,
this is going to be a serious issue in our life. Right. So that has that has to be
brought up and has to be discussed and has to be weighed before a person says I want to get married. Right.
So that's, that's another issue. So many of these issues need to be looked at. And that is why.
And I just mentioned, by the way, some of the issues.
So I think I've mentioned not finding the right person. And this is this is a big one in our day and age, you know, and then a lot of cultures and how long a lot of people are told, get married young, right? And a lot of people are shamed for not getting married at a young age, right? Or they are they are
being being old or getting older. Right? And not being married is stigmatized, right? So oftentimes girls are told that you know, better get married before you you get older, right. And, you know, not only does it affect their effects them in so many ways of how it affects their mental mental health. It can affect how they feel about themselves, it can, it can affect so many aspects of their life, because they're told you have to get married, and you have to get married young, don't wait till you're old. When you get the older you get the hardest and get married, so on and so forth. And so that is what a lot is a problem when a person now gets married, despite having other issues. Right.
Other issues, it could be, as we said, There's financial, there is, you know, mental health there is not finding the right person. And so sometimes people are pushed to marry just whoever, whether they're good for you, or not just getting married because you need to get married when you're young. Right? And that Subhanallah that any I often I just No, I never I never understand that thinking. Because it is like short term, short term gain for long term loss. Like why would you do that to yourself? Or why would you do that to your loved one, those parents are those generation, I don't want to generalize, but those people who encourage others to get married to someone who is not good
for them are not a good fit, just because they're getting old. Okay, Sandy, they're gonna get married now. And that's fine, and you have a celebration, and you're like, I'm Dylan, my daughter's married, right? Or my son's married because even guys get encouraged to get married young men too. Like you're getting too old get married. Regardless of who it is, harass, you have this short term benefit. But if they're marrying a person who is not good for them, and they're marrying someone who is let's say, as a Muslim, so what was bad for their Deen someone is bad for their faith, right? Someone who is incompatible in faith with them. And that's a big issue, let alone a lot of other
problems and a lot, a lot of other issues. Why would you get that short term benefit for long term? Possibly extended harm? And I'm not talking about just divorce. Okay, divorce. That's a whole nother topic, any divorce in Islam automatically. Sometimes we feel the divorce is just bad, right? I think we should never get divorced. That's not true. That's not the case. Perhaps in another live session will will talk about divorce, right and how the ruling of the divorce actually depends on the situation. That's something we can discuss later. But so when I say long term, harm or bad, I'm not just talking about divorce. Yeah, that can be a problem as well. But also any investment into a
marriage that leads a person to a lot of other problems, let alone bringing kids into a relationship. That is any, for lack of a better word, a toxic relationship, right? Just for the sake of fulfilling this cultural expectation, and you have to get married when you're young. You have to get married before you're too old. And you know, we now have the reality that facts and figures to tell us that that is not the wisest thing. And actually I actually looked up some statistics, some numbers. And you know what the numbers tell us the numbers tell us
that a good predictor of divorce, meaning a relationship, a marriage not working out his age.
The numbers tell us in general
rule that the younger one gets married, the more likely they are to be divorced. Right. That's the reality. And it's not because getting once again, it's not because getting married young is bad. By default, we would say getting married young is good. But it's about getting married young without considering any of the other factors that would take away from one's ability to get married young or one's or take away from one's or take away from the time that is appropriate for them to get married. Right. So one of the you know, and there's some difference in these numbers. But generally, this is what the numbers tell us. And one statistic tells us that 48% of people who get married
before the age of 18, are likely to get divorced within the first 10 years of their marriage. Okay, so 48% of those who get married before they're 18 are likely to get divorced within the first 10 years compared to 25%
of people who get married after the age of 25. So the numbers tell us that if a person gets married after the age of 25, the divorce rate or the likelihood that they're going to get divorced, within 10 years is is dropped down to 25%. But before the person gets married before the age of 18, the likelihood that they're going to get divorced within 10 years, goes up to 48%. A much higher number.
And, and also so it's not just 18. Also,
couples who got married between the ages of 20 and 25. Their divorce rate is about 60% 60%.
And so, so yeah, so generally, the younger a person gets generally that the numbers tell us that they're more likely to get to get divorced.
So look, and this is an A person may say, and I know a person may have a lot of objections to this. If you look up different studies, you'll find different numbers, but a lot of them are very similar. Most of the data side you're right is non Muslim, you're you're correct. However, Muslims living in a non Muslim society or a non Muslim place, our numbers, the last studies that I came across, I haven't looked them up recently, but at least it has been like a couple years ago, that the studies that were obviously the studies done on Muslims are more limited than non Muslim, but even in the Muslim community, the divorce rate it is less it is less than non Muslim who can say just general,
but it's not that much less. Right. So the trends seem to be similar. But yes, the numbers are a little bit less. And even the studies show that religious, religious couples versus non religious couples, non religious couples, their their marriages tend to last longer. And they tend to do better in their in their I don't know better, but the marriages at least, tend to last longer. And this is regardless of faith. Right? But But generally people who are more practicing of their faith more committed to their faith, generally, their relationships tend to last longer. Absolutely. That is that is the key, that is absolutely the key. And that that should be understood. But the point is
that generally, why is that the case? And why are younger people are more likely to get divorced? Well, for all the reasons that we mentioned today, right? It is when we don't take those into account, that we run into problems. So So getting into problem isn't enough to answer this question, what age should you get married? That if we're talking about younger, older, I don't think the answer is you should get married young or you should get married old.
My opinion is that one should get married, when they are able to get married and able is not just financial aid was everything else, you know, maturity.
Being able to you know, commit, you know, being at a place in their life where they are, they can be in a relationship, looking at when they find someone who is compatible with them, when they all of those factors, right? When all those factors come into place. That is the best time to get married. And look, I just want to be very clear here. There are cases there's always exceptions there people who get married young and their relationship does fine, right? The people who who get married young, and they're incompatible, right? totally incompatible, but their relationship works out and the end of the day. And then there's people who get married, they're very compatible, and their relationship
doesn't work out. That is the nature of life. It happens all the time happens all the time. But anyway, but in general, in general, the most important thing for us should be Subhan Allah compatibility, right. Compatibility, you know, the prophets I send them in a particular Hadith he said that he said, Don't, don't go along. Almara the urba he said that a woman is generally you know, married for four reasons. Lima Leah? What he has to be what he Jamali, while Edenia
He says I send them that generally people will marry a woman for these reasons for reasons for Lima Alia for her wealth, the lady has to be happy for her for her status, lead Gemma and Leah and that's a big one for us in this day and age, right for that her beauty. What he did he had and for her, for her Dean for her for her faith or for her religion and asked him said fill the funnel be that the dean and he said, So tried to get married for religion and because for as a as a believer, as a Muslim, our religion impacts every part of our life. And so that is the the most important aspect of that. But this goes back to compatibility, right, that we look at, you know, in our deen we look at
compatibility, as well. So those are some thoughts that I have. I want to read through some of these comments. I know people have been commenting has been awesome 100 enough to see what people have been saying. Let me scroll up a little bit. This Milla.
maturity level is different across different societies. For example, in the Middle East, you can see 12 year old children who have far greater maturity than 18 year olds in the West. I don't know if I agree with that generalization. I'm not disagreeing either. But the the the comment I do agree with that maturity levels definitely differ from place to place, society, society, culture to culture. Absolutely. I agree. Right. There may be a particular culture, where people are mature, get mid are mature at a younger age, there may be a particular culture or place where people not only mature they have they take on far more responsibility at a younger age. Right. And it's very possible,
though what I think it's a brother, I'm if I'm not mistaken, said is correct. I just don't know. Right? Maybe possibly in the Middle East, it may be that children at a younger age, they mature, they mature faster. I may be a little bit biased because I live in Saudi Arabia and in Saudi Arabia. I don't necessarily agree with that. With that. So my exposure to the Middle East is restricted to Saudi Arabia, in Saudi Arabia. I don't know if I agree. Outside of Saudi Arabia, a lot of I don't know, because I haven't lived in other places in the Middle East outside of Saudi Arabia. But yeah, I'm very much maybe the case.
I can imagine some how a lot and you know, Milla protect is especially in
you know, parts of the world, where there is a lot of instability. There is more there is I mean, you take a look of a place like Fatah Steen, for example, that is an occupied
occupied territory, right? Where they're constantly under attack, right? The Federal sleety Brothers is constantly under attack where their homes are being destroyed on a regular basis. Obviously, children would have to mature at a much younger age, they have to deal with the realities of life. May Allah protect us at a much younger age. Yemen, I believe said Yemen, yeah, Yemen because of war and famine. Absolutely. So yeah, very much that may be the case. Right? And so that is why we have to take a look at these issues. And that's why these issues should not be a yes or no black and white, absolute issue. And that is why we need to be very careful in discussing these types of
matters. Because it can depend on so many factors a person may say, to get married young is better. That may be the case, depending on where you live, what your circumstances what your situation is. A person may say no to get married, older is better. Maybe it depends on your situation. It depends on your your, as you said, where you live, your culture, your background, your lifestyle, so on and so forth. For a particular individual, we would say to them will lie they've been people that I have met that I've told them don't get married right now. Seriously, like, personally, I've met people I've been like, Listen, man, don't get married right now you are not ready to get married. Like I
know, you want to get married, I know. You're like tapping my dean and so on and so forth, blah, blah, blah. I'm like you, my friend, are not ready to get married because there's you got to do some work. You gotta you gotta you have to prepare yourself to marry a person who doesn't even know for example, how to live with someone
of the opposite gender and deal with some of the gender differences like just natural normal gender differences, right? Any that means they're not they don't have the level of maturity to be able to put up with someone who's different than them right. Now, that means not to say that they can never get married. Of course they can, but they need to they need to prepare themselves. For marriage. You need to mature How do you learn that sad, sad look?
Honestly, that is a very good question. And that is something that I think deserves a whole if not another lecture, a whole seminar a whole nother workshop in what a person needs to get a preparing oneself to get married. I'm going to set emotional intelligence. Absolutely. Absolutely. People who lack emotional intelligence. They're honestly setting themselves up for
A lot of problems in their in their not only marriage, by the way, and other relationships as well, even panela when somebody gets married and they have kids, if a person doesn't have emotional intelligence, they're gonna have an effect on their children as well. And that's just the problem just snowballs from there. May Allah protect this, navigating conflicts and so on. Yeah, conflict resolution, I did a short recently those of you watch my YouTube shorts, right, under one minute clips, I did a short on conflict resolution? And how do you deal with a conflict when you're married? Right? This is something that a person needs to understand. Right? They need to, they need
to be mature enough to a level they say, Okay, I have a disagreement with my spouse, what is the best way to deal with it? Right? Those are skills that can be developed and need to be learned. And look, some people learn this from their parents. That's the reality. Some people are brought up in a household where their parents have a great relationship, meaning they have wonderful conflict resolution skills, they have healthy conflict resolution skills. And so they grew up looking at their parents, okay, my parents when they had a disagreement, this is how they would resolve their problems in a healthy way. Right? Because everyone has problems. Everyone has difficulty having
disagreements, it's part of life, it happens. But my parents, I look at them, and I see oh, they wouldn't yell at one another and, and curse one another, or put one another down, they wouldn't be condescending, they wouldn't have fun. And they would have disagreements, but they resolve them in a healthy way. Right. And so sometimes people learn that just by growing up in an environment like that, I know, a lot of bless all of us with household like that. But that's not the case for everyone. Right? Doesn't mean that now, a child who's grown up in that environment can ever succeed, it just means that they need to develop those skills. Now, would it be bad to get marriage
counseling from a non Muslim counselor? Depends. It really depends. There are non Muslim counselors who can understand they may be familiar with Islam, and they may be familiar with Islam where they can, they can help us in a way that is good for us. And then a person may be in a situation where they can't find a good Muslim marriage counselor. And so it really depends it it depends on the situation. There may be cases where I would say you know what it because you have a Muslim counter available to you and they can relate to you. They understand your problems. They understand your deen and even Subhanallah not just Islam, a counselor who understand your culture, right can be can
make a big difference. Let's say there's a Pakistani counselor who understands Pakistani problems, right cultural problems, I would say go to a counselor who understands these issues, right that in my culture, there's these problems, these issues or these norms, these expectation, a counselor understands that maybe do they may be able to do a better job at counseling you because they're familiar with those problems. So in general, a person who understands us better
can make a better counselor is having marriage counseling before you get married. A Poonam. I agree 100%.
premarital counseling is something that I think in a lot of in a lot of Muslim communities is almost unheard of. And I know it's getting more popular now. And the law is getting more popular. But because and I think one of the reasons and Allah knows best one of the reasons there's such a stigma when it comes to counseling in general, people hear counseling, and I'm like, no, no, no, no, that's bad. You know, I don't want to talk to people about my problems and my issues, and so on and so forth. So any new people won't even go to counseling in the relationship, and they're having problems in the marriage, let alone before marriage even starts. So people may be very averse to
that. But generally, it's to be able to sit with a counselor. And to get counseling before you go into the relationship is one of the best things you can do for your marriage. Because you know, what you're getting into, you can you can recognize you can identify potential problems, potential areas of conflict, and you can talk about how to deal with those conflicts when they come up. Right. And so premarital counseling is a wonderful thing if we have access to that. And even somehow, those of you don't have access to formal premarital counseling, there may be some type of informal premarital counseling that can be discussed before someone gets married and that would be wonderful, wonderful.
For for that relationship, Inshallah, to Allah in in the future in sha Allah. Also choose a mentor, look at someone who is successful in their marriage. I think I missed a couple of these comments here. So,
if the children are environment where parents do not get along, how do the children develop the skills to be different in their own marriage? Very good question. Mattawa. Very good question. It is it can be difficult, but first of all, they can be developed but this goes back to personal development. And it goes to it goes back to a person. First of all, a person the fact that a person can recognize that is is a is a wonderful thing, because a lot of people will not take the time
To do self analysis to say, Okay, what problems do I have? I mean, we don't like looking at our own problems, right. But to say, let me analyze myself or let me speak to someone who can help analyze me, what issues do I have? So first of all, recognizing that a person has those problems, right, then to recognize it, you know what I grew up in a toxic household. That is, so that's the first step. Because if we can't do that, we can't move forward. The next step is once we identify those problem areas, now we can work about we can go and work to fix them, and to better ourselves. And in general, this really, we need someone who can counsel us, someone who could help us with those with
those issues. That's why I'm in very big favor, I'm very much in favor of counseling. And if we look at the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, many times when people would come to him with their problems, he would counsel them, he would sit some, Allahu Allah, He will send them and he would talk to them. And the person when he was speaking, if you knew who these people were, he knew what their problems were, he knew what their backgrounds were. And so he would be able to Subhanallah counsel them. In our times, we look for a lot of times generalization. We look for a quick answer. You know, we go online, and we want a quick photo real quick, and is had our hat on.
That's it. And I'm having this problem. Give me a quick answer. I get this all the time. One of the reasons why I don't answer questions online. I don't do DMS and private messaging, and I don't do any comments and stuff like that refer to my previous live session about why I don't do DMS. Right. And why don't reply to comments as another session that I did. That's one of the reasons because a lot of the problems that people come to me with, these are not quick issues. It's not something I say, you know, what do 123 And you're done your problem be solved. Right? These issues, a lot of times they require counseling, right. So it's not fair to me. And it's not fair to the person who's
asking this question that, that, that they Subhanallah just be given a quick answer. It's not fair to them. And that's why don't do it.
Yes, do I do counseling? Not at the moment, not at the moment in the future? alojado we will we will see.
Just like any other field, we want to look for people who are qualified, not people who are self taught, not people who are Google scholars, right? We have this problem in our deen SubhanAllah. We have Google scholars, right. People who don't learn their Deen from Google. And they're not they're not they're not qualified. They don't have any formal education they haven't. They're not qualified yet. We seek our Islamic knowledge from them a lot protect this, that Allah says in the Quran. First Degree in quantum law talamona as the people of knowledge. People have the knowledge right? Of what you want, if you don't know, meaning, one of the understanding that people who are qualified
qualified. So so that's the people we got to go to in any field, whether it be obviously religious knowledge, we go to people who are qualified in the deen, there are people on the internet right right now talking about heavy Deen issues. And if you look at their background, where they studied who they study with, it's just a big question where you don't know and if you don't know who this person studied with, where they studied, who their scholars are, what institution they went to, we don't know any just I don't know I'm a self made. I don't know I'm popular online. A lot of people say I'm popular online therefore class people assume that they're a scholar that doesn't make
someone a scholar whether it be religious knowledge, whether it be medical knowledge, we don't take our knowledge from Google doctors right? Someone who looks up stuff online people who I do my own research doctors. Ah, no time for you homie like we will I want if I'm going to take a if I'm going to take my medical knowledge from someone is going to be someone who is qualified in the medical field and they and they have some qualification they can show for that.
And likewise, even in counseling even in any any field now you don't you want someone who is qualified just like Subhanallah
we want to get surgery someone a surgeon who comes down Hey, I can do your surgery. By who are you? Where did you learn how to do surgery? Well, I saw a couple YouTube videos on how to do surgery we're gonna be like, no, no, no, stay away from me. Don't touch me. Right? Because this is your life. You want someone who's qualified me where did any who made you a doctor who made you a surgeon show me I went to qualification where'd you graduate from so on and so forth. We'll be very serious. That same seriousness should be applied to our deen actually are deemed to be more serious, and other fields as well. So counseling one day insha Allah. If I'm able to, you know, get get get the
proper qualification, then maybe one day, I will do that a lot. But at the moment, I know I don't do counseling.
Do you have any recommendation for good literature? I do actually regarding marriage, perhaps.
I don't have it on me right now. But I will try to share it with you in some way or the other maybe on my YouTube channel. Here's I'll make a deal with you on my YouTube channel. There's a place for me to post I do. So I do.
video posts and all that. And also I've written posts on my YouTube channel. So if you're subscribed to my YouTube channel, I will list a number of books that are wonderful books like marriage books. And actually most of the ones that I would recommend actually are written by Muslims as well because they understand the Muslim perspective and the Muslim. The importance of marriage in Islam and the Muslim perspective towards marriage. So I'll post it on my, on my YouTube, I'm gonna send posting on Facebook. No, not gonna.
I'm gonna post it on my YouTube because I want more people to join these live sessions. So make sure you're if you're subscribed if you got notifications on, you'll see I'll try to post it today actually, insha Allah, my recommendation of books regarding marriage. Yeah, so I think we're gonna we're gonna call it a day 111 We had a pretty nice long session today. If you aren't subscribed to YouTube, make sure sorry if you aren't subscribed to my channel, on YouTube, make sure you subscribe, hit the bell button as someone said in the comments hit the bell button to make sure you get to Halla notifications and what will next week's live topic be? I don't know I don't know what
next week's topic will be we'll see inshallah data hopefully something something that we can all benefit from inshallah data. But thank you for joining me thank you for being here. If you benefited from this session I will this will be posted on my channel so you can share it with other people as well someone said typical YouTuber men that comment hurts that hurts because I I don't I had this whole YouTube thing telling people to like and subscribe but like it's still it's still weird to me to do that. But I was told like if any you got to do that if you want people to come and join these live sessions and benefit so so I do it. I don't know if that was a dig or not towards YouTubers.
We may have some biases Allah Allah Yeah, anyway, but in sha Allah to Allah it no no, it's nothing. It's nothing. I didn't take it personally, I didn't take it personally anything like that. It's just weird. It's weird for me to say like subscribe and share and all that kind of stuff. But but but yeah, but I will say definitely if you benefit from benefited from this session, make sure you share this video with others it's going to be up on on my YouTube channel. You know someone who can benefit from this discussion to jelajah make sure to share it inshallah I will catch you next week. Around the same time, hopefully if there's any by the way if I if there's ever a change to the
schedule I posted on my YouTube feed as well. Just like Alana, thank you for joining me. May Allah bless all of you and your families. May Allah grant all of you good relationships, spousal Relationships and family relationships that are good for your dunya and good for your akhira Allah Amin Zakouma La Jolla take care said I'm on equal Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh