The Rights & Responsibilities of Marriage
Date:
Channel: Riad Ouarzazi
File Size: 52.45MB
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AI Generated Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the importance of understanding each other's emotions and language, particularly in marriage and relationships. They also discuss the definition of marriage and its significance in the Bible, including the desire to have sex with each other's emotions and language. Later, a woman named Kiera describes herself as hesitant to invite her and describes herself as a woman with a sense of fear and a desire to "come home" with her children. She also talks about her desire to have sex with her own children.AI Generated Transcript ©
smithdown hamdulillah
salatu salam ala rasulillah
heya Camilla,
Camilla welcome over yaku matamata venom Sha committed to managing the team azita
now Eliza should bless you all for taking the time to join us here tonight we welcome you to another
weekly episode
of this Rama of this Islamic reminders. So a few days ago we had
something about parenting.
So today we would like to carry on somewhat on the same topic but a little bit something different. Something about you know, spouses, you know about husbands and wives, we've talked about parents, we've talked about children we've talked about, you know, the rights and obligations of each. So today inshallah Allah would like to talk about you know, the,
the spouses, you know, husbands and wives or husbands to be and wives to be.
So inshallah to be a fun topic, it'll be engaging.
But first, I need to ask you who's married?
You see, the title says, Are you married or happy?
So you're married and who's not married.
You're happy I was not pregnant, Are you married?
You're married.
Welcome,
the sisters they can join us in Charlotte Allah, we have a presentation. And there's a particular partition in the on that side. So if the sisters are willing to join us, they're very welcome Sharma So today, we'll be talking about quite a lot of things. You know, this is normally a topic or a seminar, which I cover, you know, throughout a very full day, you know, from morning until evening, it's a very, very heavy topic, but I have summarized it for you, and I'm bringing you like the gold, you know, in the golden platter, inshallah, tada, it's been quite interesting, fun, a lot of
interesting information that will, you know, trigger your brains Sharla hooked on all of us.
I'm a marriage officer, myself, and a counselor and a family counselor. And so I deal a lot with, you know, issues and whatnot. So,
in fact, this topic, or the seminar, or this lecture is normally split into two segments, the first segments is towards those who are not married. And the second segment is towards those who aren't married. But today, I have mixed them up all together, because for the sake of time, I have about, you know, an hour or so. So to try to keep it, you know, informative and entertaining at the same time in shallow data. First, I'd like to start with
the agenda. What am I going to be talking about today?
What's marriage?
The definition of marriage, we'll be talking about setting the differences, which is something really interesting to know, you know, psychological differences between between men and between women. And we'll be talking about we know why aren't you married the fruits of marriage?
Is this the
it's all good. Yeah, it's, it's.
I'd like to talk about
to start with a with a story. It's a life story.
It starts like this. The story starts with
a happy marriage.
Husband and wife married together. They're happy, excited, especially the first week the first month of marriage, everything is fine. But then what happens in that story, the
events move into a different stage, another stage and the stage we call it the confusion state. The wife becomes confused in many ways.
She used to talk to her husband quite a lot on the phone. They used to spend a lot of
times before marriage, you know, also within the first week of marriage, these two spent a lot of time doing things together. And the guy gave her many promises of, you know, when we get married, and we're gonna be doing things together and you know, and and going out together holding hands and flying in the air together all these you know, things and, you know, all these hopes and promises and whatnot. But then after the marriage, things changed, a few things changed. Maybe after, you know, especially when maybe new
addition to the family comes on board and whatnot, a lot of things became different. So the wife gets confused, How come he's not doing the same things? How come he's not talking to me as he used to do before how comes ease? He's not, you know, coming home as he used to before like, you know, all the time and How come he's I don't see that excitement that that fun, that thing and whatnot. But the husband is totally oblivious. He thinks things are fine, there's nothing wrong, you know, and he does, he does his thing and whatnot, but the wife is getting confused. So what happens? She moves into another stage. And that stage becomes, you know, it's called the struggling stage.
she struggles she tries to communicate her needs, that I've got issues, I've got problem I've got needs, which have not been fulfilled. The husband is again, totally oblivious, you know, what, what is it that you need, you know, I work hard, and I bring in and I put food on the table, you know, I'm so busy doing so many things. What else do you need, you know, I'm fulfilling all my needs. So we as men, we only think of things that we can provide, you know, materialistic thing, oftentimes we think of right, you know, if I don't provide, you know, maybe it made sure that I'm, you know, made sure less of my manhood. So you know, so we only think certain ways. So she struggles, struggles to
try to, you know, we need counseling, we've got problems, the guy says, we got no problems, is to talk to a chef. And the chef, you know, what do you need an hour, I can give you a fatwa. So she's struggling, but the guy seems like he's not really, he does not know what's going on. But she has issues she struggles. And then at some point, she may have spoken to her friends, she may have spoken to her family, her parents who said, Your husband is your agenda, or your hellfire. We don't have something called divorce at home, you solve your issues, she went and spoke to her friends and nag and nag, nag, and people saying, you know, be patient, things will move, things will clear
things will get better. You know, and she, you know, on and on and on, and on sub sub sub assembly, whatnot. And then she falls into another stage called the miserable stage. As if she is given up for her now, that has been it just the father of the kids. He is no longer a man who fulfill her needs and whatnot. He's just the father of the kids. She's totally you know, at this stage, she has lost herself.
She's miserable.
Up to this point, we can still save the marriage.
And I'm telling you from experiences, which I've seen, I've dealt with and whatnot.
Just recently, so many things, people who've been married for 1020 years. This is not like a one month thing, or one year thing I'm talking about. Sometimes it could be 2030 year marriage, and then the wife at some point may say That's it, I'm done. I'm gone.
And then the husband goes like this.
It reaches a point of no return, as this stage has, what's the point of no return? Not necessarily the horse. It could mean my left forbidden, as we've known and we've seen could be suicide. It could be policy, no mental state, you know, she's totally out. Or it could be divorce, it could be many things point of no return. And then the stage moving to another stage now now the husband becomes
or is it?
Now the husband becomes confused.
Why do you want the horse?
Why are you sick? What's happening? Now he's asking all those questions that she used to ask before. What is wrong? I thought we were the perfect couple.
I thought we were
Prophet Mohammed in our home. What is wrong? Now he's confused. I thought I was fulfilling all the needs. Maybe he was fulfilling some of the needs, but not maybe mostly not the emotional needs that she needed. And then he goes he struggles now he's it's the same thing. But different stages. Now the same stages, but you know, different human being, you know, it's not just the husband who's struggling to understand. Let us try to go now to another chef class. Now she is no in her mind in her state. Nobody can save the problem or can save the marriage because she's out. She's done. He struggles, the struggles. He struggles.
And then it falls into that miserable stage as well. What can I do to save this?
It's out, it's done. It's gone.
Point of No Return cycle, this is how it goes.
And we're here in Sharla hotellet, to talk to you, you see, you may have heard talks about marriages and whatnot, today's talk will be totally different.
You may have read some books, and you may have spoken to many shifts, a lot of times people, they come to me and they said, Listen, you know, you want my time this is you know, how I do it. I don't give free time no more, because sometimes people don't value your time. You know, they don't like the advice no more. And the shift sometimes what he says, Allah says, do they said, Yeah,
man, can you say it's all beautiful, Allah says and everything, but sometimes the husband or the wife, you know, she has reached a stage where he tell her to be patient, it's not that she wants to hear no more. Instead of I mean, be patient, I went beyond that. It's all about patient no more, I'm sick and dying.
This is why sometimes I talk to the shield and the Imams and whatnot says, we need to up our standard and up our education in such a way that we need to get some sort of coaching ourselves to be able to give the appropriate advice, Islamic advice, or you know, or, or in parallel with some sort of counseling, professional counseling, professional coaching, you know, to get professional advice.
Up until this point, what happens, you know, this always starts with contentment and happiness, then confusion, struggle, miserable state point of no return. Like I said, we can still save everything up into that miserable state. But once it reaches the point of no return, hope, you know, unfortunately, the marriage cannot be cannot be
saved.
I read a book A long time ago, it's an amazing book.
It's called why men don't listen.
Why men
don't, don't listen to you.
And why women cannot read maps is the same book, why men don't listen, and why women cannot read maps. So I love the book. And it does not talk about why men don't listen, the book does not talk about that the book does not talk about why women cannot read maps. The book talks about the psychological differences between men and women. How men think, and how women think sisters, listen up. How men think, and how women think we think differently in so many ways.
We know Allah has made that too, has made us to, to not to compete with one another, but to complete each other. That's the purpose of marriage to complete one another. Not to compete, you know, but now, but there's a lot of differences, psychological differences. What does it mean? You're married, right? Yes. When your wife says, you know, you tell her I know I need to do this. And she says Fine. Fine in English means word.
Not in English muffins means means okay? But her language fine means
whether you're older man, or Chinese or Bengali or whatever, fine when he says find his way. Look, if you do it, man, don't even try. If you do it now, if you go out, I'll ask them for you in honor. When she says fine, that means she's not fine, right? So these these sometimes, you know that language that needs to be decoded, right? So setting the differences. Men and women are different in so many ways. Men and women are very much different in many ways.
I'll give you some examples.
Tata, yeah.
I saw lots of my time. Here is a man's brain by a man's brain like this. Man, this is how we are sisters. This is very important. Listen up.
A man's brain is made up of boxes.
boxes, the form
the many boxes.
Each box
is that
maybe you can turn that off so that it was like looking
into
boxes. One box calls called finance.
A box called children. A box called school. A box called
Wife Wife. Exactly. That's a very important box right here. Wife. A box called work, work. A box called children did not
Children, say again, children, a box called
friends a
bunch of boxes key that is our brain, man's brain. So if a man sisters, listen, if a man wants to talk about finance money, he pulls the box that talks about finance. He talks about money, and he puts it back.
Understand.
And then if a man wants to talk about children, he pulls the box right here that's talks about children. He pulls it, he talks about children, and then he puts it back.
There is a very important box in every man's brain. This is a million dollar information, you won't find it anywhere. There is a very, very important box in every man's brain. You know what? It's cold, it's in the middle. It's called the empty box.
Empty, blank, nothing in it. That's man's favorite box. It's our favorite box. Sometimes when you're watching TV and flipping the channels where the remote control the winter sphere, right? Sometimes is what you do. You know, you're flipping channels, you know, not watching TV, you just flipping the wife says, can't you just focus on one channel? You're not flipping channels. You just are in your empty box. You're not watching. You're not listening. You are blank. Have you ever done fishing? Anyone?
You've done fishing before?
Have you sisters? Have you ever seen men fishing?
Imagine these two people, man two guys are fishing. Right? They fish. They could be sitting for two, three hours fishing, quiet, not talking to each other.
If a woman was to see that she will say these guys are having issues. How come? They're not talking? We're not talking just because we're enjoying fishing, dreaming and living into our empty box. This is why a lot of problems don't happen. He's doing something focusing on something in his empty box. She comes to tell him I'm doing this. And he says yes.
He didn't even know what you're saying. He says yes, Johnny. Just leave me alone. Yes. And then when she does it, he comes back and he say Where did you go? We
told you already. I never said Yeah. You told me. You asked him in the wrong time. You asked him when he was in his empty boxes dreaming? He's obviously he loves the empty box. He goes lucky.
We love that box, don't you? Sometimes? I'm alone, doing nothing. My son loves that book. Sometimes he goes school late when I was in my empty box. I say come on. Yeah. And the empty box. No, no, no, don't fool me and I and all these things.
Here is the woman's brain doctor.
The woman's brain is the same. All the boxes ever the same children money finance husband.
But when a woman wants to talk about
a box key the matter she could talk about. At the same time. She could talk about money. She could talk about her children, her husband, she could talk about
the boxes key
information. Allah has made her like that. Allah has made her like that. And she could be also listening to you're talking on the phone.
Yes. And she's also listening to the TV and talk on the phone and helping her children with their homework. Okay, Masha, Masha, Allah, Allah, Allah, Masha. Allah, Allah has made them that way. We cannot. If I want to talk about one thing I can talk about one thing and one thing at a time.
If you are driving as a man,
you're driving a car. And then you listen to the radio. You listening to the radio, listening to the news, and whatever. And then your phone rings. You're driving, your phone rings, what is the first thing you will do?
It's the house, your sisters, all of us will agree. The first thing we will do is turn off the radio because it's too much for us. We cannot dry talk on the phone and listen to the radio. Too much on us. The first thing she says I'm listening to why don't you Why did you turn it off? I want to talk on the phone or talk on the phone. I'm listening.
We cannot do that.
We can do that we can do only one thing at a time. If you give us two things that's a lot has made it that way.
You understand? So this is how we work this is how they work. You understand this my friend so Sharla when you get married because for the
That inshallah tada and if you do something, always blame the empty box. That's my advice to you
men or women are very much different
women can be multitask
men cannot. Generally speaking, I'm talking about you know, cannot just say this is it our is but generally speaking, not women can multitask but men generally cannot. Men focus on one thing at a time.
Perform one thing at a time. This is very important it's always help solve this family or marital problems that you know people tend to have sometimes
women mature, and this is scientifically proven you don't need to do more on this one. Women mature much faster than men. Mashallah Baraka you bring in a 15 year old boy and a 15 year old girl.
The 15 year old boy go to his room.
his underwear his
his socks everywhere his pants in here though his room is a mess. Yeah, and he and his wife flipping you know these basketball baseball cards with a basketball card or soccer. He's still doing stuff and doing his nose like this and
you have to remind him to change his underwear is a 15 year old and you see other dating things. A 15 year old girl
when she walks into a she talks and he is how they are women who are girls you know when they're How old is your son? Six Mashallah. How old was he when he started talking?
First talking
three well that's good. That's Mashallah. But how about a girl
one and a half she was already making full censuses. My son started talking when he was about like, making a full sentence was about five or six to be no, this is no different, but the mature much faster than men. And this is why I tell him they say it is you know, good. It is better to marry you know, as a man to marry a woman who's younger than you on don't come across America.
You cannot you know,
you know compare yourself to the Prophet Mohammed Ali the Salah, but we're just saying that it is you know, as per the advice of the experts in this field and the scholars and they say it is better to marry a woman a girl that is younger than you why again, because of mostly this thing, women mature much faster than men.
Women tend to communicate more effectively than men. Women they communicate the issues women we absorb things we swallow up things we hardly can you know, put our chest out but women Mashallah when you go in companies like you know, professional companies, departments, you know, the marketing department, the marketing department or the HR department, the human resources department is mostly made of you know, women.
But when you talk about math, when you talk about you know, finance it's mostly also men so we're different in Suffolk they are better than us all better than that. Now, we're different. How would you think my buddy if I tell you a dude, walk with me?
Can you know walk?
Yeah, we're going Can you take a walk with me? Where are we going? We got together to the washroom. Can you go into the washroom?
Yeah. No. Sisters is very fine. When a sister tells her sister let's go to the washroom. They go together to the washroom.
They don't go to the washroom for us. They go to the washroom, it's washroom is like, it's like a lounge.
You know, the lounge. They go they talk they did all the mascara, the makeup and all those things. That's what they go to get. But it's weird. If I tell you a buddy, let's go to the washroom together. We're different. You understand? Give me a hug, man.
You see, it's different to
learn this learn. Are you married, or learn learn.
Men are more task oriented.
In general,
men are not better than women. Women are not better than men. were different. Allah made us that way. So we need to understand and respect the key word here. The Golden word it respect the differences.
That being said,
marriage in STEM, how long have you been married?
Is that painful now? 20
How long have you been married? 10 years until this baby? How long have you been married? 28 years. Anybody been married more than 28 years? How? Allahu Akbar Mashallah everybody masala Potala Bella, you don't give him the evil Are you evil IP for masala patella, cha cha ankle Can you give me the finishing of may?
What's married
41 years
contract a business
contract
rights are the rights
fulfilling of rights
under contract
without contract, Father Uncle, I Masha Allah, I respect you and everything, but you will have to forgive me. Because I will go beyond that. I'm sorry. You're my chef. And you are like I said, my father, you teach me you know about marriage. But I'm sorry, I have to teach you something here. Because marriage is never about a lot of people. They come to me as a measure of success. You know, here's my wife. Tell me about my rights and her rights. I said if marriage is about rights, right now, let's issue the divorce.
Because if it's just about rights Jani will be so rigid in that marriage. Hey, Maya, let's stop right there. Man who will for kobina allegedly well if sun Allah subhana wa tada says in the Quran, in the La Jolla. mobila adley.
Allah ordains justice and sn was the difference between idol justice and Sn.
Anybody I again forgot to bring chocolate and candy otherwise will be what's the difference?
Ah, and what's justice?
No, no, I said I was justice. And it was just because Allah ordains justice I do an exam what's the difference between the two?
Allahu Akbar justice is what belongs to them you give it to them. Then is what?
And you give more Okay, I give you more than that. Justice is add to this. I take my rights and they give you a right do
I give you what belongs to you and you give me what belongs to me this
is I give you more and I take less doesn't give you more than what you deserve. Marriages
marriage is not just about rights and you will see is about says more more more and more because you know sisters, I'm going to tell you something today. I'm going to give you this recipe recipe recipe three keys to keep your husband forever and
you want me to give you three keys you know ingredients to keep your wife well I don't want that.
I mentioned that shalaka to see but isn't really given beyond give more I'm going to talk about something called the love triangle. Watch this the love triangle.
It's all about ASAP. So the definition of marriage awasum hana with Allah gives us this definition beautifully in the Quran.
In so to whom
Allah subhana wa tada says and this is the description of marriage
how to build a human
woman I T and Hakata coming full circle as well john liters kuno
and amongst his signs when given the entries
when Peter give me a
massage,
throw it throw it, throw it
No, I was just joking.
No, don't joke with you.
Throw it on the floor.
Can you throw it on the floor? Can you step on it?
Look Why?
Because this is must have this must have he has what?
Allah? Allah has word in what sense? What is these? No, no no Arabic Can you What are these that you read?
is good. Listen to this. Listen, wait, listen, listen. You already don't listen.
I got married. And
Allah says women 80 and Hanukkah that come in and forsake them as well. And amongst his are yet open, open. And amongst Sal is that he had created amongst you, your mates, your spouse is
when I told you and you said no, because this is from Allah azza wa jal. Your spouse is also the same way. Turn that off. If it's Obama tell him I'm busy. Although Trump Trump tell him I don't want to talk. I'm busy now.
Allah says and amongst his signs and amongst his area is that they had created amongst you you will
meets spouses, right? You don't want to throw this because you respect it the same way you respect this the same way you have to respect.
Say it to your spouse who said, who said he didn't say that? Did I? I only
translated what Allah says in the Quran. He said, Zach laka What's your name? Najib Najib Metalab this year.
He says and amongst his, this is sort of to whom verse number 21 and amongst his signs is that the upgraded you amongst you, your mates, that you may dwell in tranquility Lita school, no.
School No, he has Sakina your spouse is supposed to be your Sakina you sukanya nice Sakina Sakina a place where you find rest when you find comfort. Lita schooner in a hair and then he said something really beautiful here he said, wish Allah
Allah
Mann with the 10 Ma Ma from the name of Allah. He did not say
sub means love. He says my word that affection, wala mercy, a question to you. How long have you been married
18 years by aligning the core essence and he has put amongst you affection, affection more than love and mercy question why Allah mentioned affection. Love first then you mentioned mercy next. Why?
Why did he mentioned mercy first and then and then love next or affection next? Why he mentioned affection first. And then he mentioned mercy next.
Anyone?
Why?
Yes?
is like a left hand. Good. If you show affection allowance for mercy.
Yeah, but not that actually. But it's it could be
Are you married?
Are you married?
You're not married? Are you married? Buddy? I want to I want to young. married. You know guy though. I'm young Lee young married anybody? Like recently married? Nobody.
I want somebody young kid who just got married not too long ago. 10 years? 20 years. 18 years. Okay. 18 years. I have to pick on you again.
Your wife is Pakistani. She's from Pakistan. You met her in Hilo in Pakistan.
In Pakistan. Did you guys used to talk on the phone? was it? Was it arranged marriage. Okay, so not good. I cannot use you as an example. I want to use an example of somebody who
did you talk to your wife before he married her? Okay. All right. So you guys used to text on the phone and talk on the phone? There was no phones at the time there was phones but there was no portable phones at the time.
Or you had texting okay amazing. Listen so used to text a lot and you know sometimes used to text and talk on the phone until you fall asleep. used to talk locked locked locked get on the phone, huh? And, and you know, and
you have to say the truth because in the message you can't lie. What happened after marriage?
What happened to those talks and texts and everything? What What went wrong?
Lie Lie, lie lie. But why used to text a lot and after marriage You stopped texting and calling on the phone and all this.
Okay, question. Does that mean that you don't love her anymore?
That's a very important question. Does that mean you don't love her? No one does that mean you used to love her more when used to text her?
No. So what does it mean?
It means that that love has matured
because they understood sometimes the sisters the women they understand how come before marriage used to do this and we used to do that we spoke a lot and text a lot. And then after marriage week monthly you know you that frequency is no longer the same. You know those those love texts are no longer there. What happens? Isn't it? Why? Maybe he doesn't love me anymore. Maybe he found somebody else already such a fun shoe is making you think of all these things. Maybe this maybe not maybe what
love has matured a lot Xhosa says was anabaena Kumar.
And he has put amongst you love affection. Then Merci. Merci is there so when somebody says no, there's no love in this life on this marriage. I say around love is always there.
But what happens because sometimes of the issues and whatnot.
Maybe that you became blind to see that line. So what you need, you need just a little bit of, you know, stabbing and scratching and shaking okay? And that love will flourish one more time. Love is always there is always there. And my love is always
my one that is beyond love, his affection, and then mercy. And this is the definition of marriage in Islam. It's a contract sisters. It's a, you know, a lot of social uses this word mythique, only three times in the
Tetons mythique mythique in Arabic means a bond, a strong bond, Allah uses it three times in the end, twice for venues.
And once about marriage.
Marriage, Allah has made this bond this marriage sacred sisters, your marriage between you and your husband is a sacred bond. Do not break the bond that was made in the heavens. Yes, we may differ. Yes, we may have problems. Yes, I call it the ocean of love. Marriage is ocean of love, love.
Ocean ocean is sometimes rough, and sometimes lose. And we as husband and wife who are sailing into this ocean, we're sailing into this boat, I am the captain, I'm the I'm the husband, I'm guiding this navigating this boat and you are my co captain, you are the wife You are my eyes, I see we I cannot navigate this boat by myself, I need you to be with me. So we're navigating this marriage boat in this ocean life in this ocean, which is sometimes rough and sometimes smooth. Likewise, life dounia sometimes up sometimes down is how it is we need to go through this together. This is what it calls it sacred mythique Don't break the bone that was made by Allah subhana wa Tada.
This is the definition of marriage in Islam, more than you know this, whatever you read out there about, you know, this and whatnot and all these, you know,
bollywood definition or Hollywood definition of marriage, but I want to tell you about these countries, just so you understand a very important concept. Imagine this four people, four people from four different countries, one come from the control country. Imagine and listen, this will make sense to shallow data for different countries. One country called the control country, which means control, you know, and from that control country, let's say yeah, I mean, I want things to be done get done. I'm in control I want to accomplish I want to achieve somebody who's in the control users normally uses these terms such as accomplish achieve control I need to get this done is always wants
to be in control. Somebody who's like in control who's in control, I'm in control, things have to be done. The man you know, the control country and somebody from
the foreign country. Imagine these two countries all in Oregon emissions to other countries marrying each other. The sun country somebody who's like, cool, man. It's all about fun. You know, there's somebody who's getting done. Let's accomplish this. Yes. Well, we can know what fun No, no, it has to be done. It's got to be accomplished. It's got to be it's got to be achieved. And the guy says that's having a good time. How long are we gonna live?
Let's just have fun while doing this. Let's have fun. So this person is from the foreign country and there's another person from the perfect country I used to be from that perfect country myself. You know what the perfect country everything's got to be done perfectly fine.
This thing is wrong. It should not be here. It messes up the design this thing has to be somewhere somewhere hidden Yeah.
No, no I don't like the way we sit in here. We have to be in perfect. The perfect country. The table has to be set perfectly fine. The collars have to match perfectly. You know when you when you do the vacuum the vacuum you're not used to spot it has to be perfect. The perfect man the perfect country. So this person lives in the perfect country things has to be done. Right. The the look for the really really small details. Perfect country. And then you have the last country is the
peace country. Whatever you say, peace. I just want peace. Perfect, perfect peace. Let's go to your mom. Let's go to your mom. Peace. Let's go to that. Peace. Peace. I'm Sarah. I just want peace. I don't care about nothing. And relax. I just I care about my health and peace in the Middle East.
So imagine the peace, country Marian the
foreign country,
somebody was so high Prentiss, fun, fun.
Fun, you know. So sometimes in marriage, that's what happens.
You come from a background, and then you marry this person who's talking from a different background understand, and you want that person to be like you, or that other person wants to be like you, you have certain expectations and that other person have expectations. So what happened in marriage,
sometimes there is a clash, especially in the beginning. And listen until we understand and respect one another, I understand your background and where you come from. And I respect that and you understand my background, understand that my history, I was brought up like this, I was brought up like, you know, the, the toilet paper has to be this way. And the and the, the towel has to be here, and the pillow has to be there. And this is how I was brought, I was brought in everything has to be perfectly fine. You know, it's not like I'm wrong. All right, just understand my background, and then we'll understand yours. Marriage is just like that. He did not marry somebody who's like
totally another you. If Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam
with all his wives. They were all different in many ways.
And sometimes the web they used to team up
against each other. Like they teamed up against Mary like the poverty is to like to go to her wife, Mary yet she was Egyptian. And you know the Egyptians. You know the Egyptians.
You have chef he said, if you're not married to Egyptian, you're single.
It's not me who said stuff. That's not me. So you have chef who have a problem with esteem stabbing, I didn't say he said
the Prophet Mohammed used to like to marry he has a sweet tongue.
She would talk to him talk, talk, talk sweet talks, we talking she's to make him this honey. And I said the long story of the SL, you know, sometimes we used to team up because it's okay, it's fine. We're different in many ways. The Prophet sallallahu Sallam understood that difference. So what happened to me? Yeah, because he did not do the same with that say Arusha
or sell your course. Yes. So they were Polish yet they lived in the desert with him some of our lives in them images.
You know, there they all the wives were there except Mariya. Why? Because she came from Egypt she's she's she was used to the Kabbalah to the green to the water and whatnot. So her powers that he made for her was little bit far in the horizon from Medina, which was close to the green to the trees to the water, some of the lies and be understood that from them well as the other ones, because they grew up in the desert and the mountains and Rocky, we will find next to him, some of them, you see how he put everyone in his proper place somewhere, he understood the difference and he respected that and he tried to tailor to that needs for them. So sometimes what we do, we bring our spouses
with us, they live with us, and we make them abide by our culture. They come from a totally different cultural background, but we make them buy into our culture. You know, she may have
a bear teddy bear that she used to sleep with. And she heard about you and she came in she left everything she came in to live with you and she found the true bear
you she made all the sacrifices were gone. So we need to understand this and I'm taking this also from the Sunnah of the Prophet Mohammed awesome How about if you all stand up and shout out to all of you all of you stand up please and hug the person next to you quickly Yep, smell smell like a hug but you have to stand up because it's very important to stand up a one word inshallah to Allah but give a hug to each other inshallah. Yes, very important to do that. Very important.
See, for those of you who are not married, who's not married, guys.
For those of you who are not married, this is the the
four formula
and this formula is given by prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
He says if you are men, look for formula. 1000.
Formula say
1000
awa 1000 exactly 1001 000. It's taken from the habit of the one who says a woman is married for 14 years. You know when you won't marry a woman.
When you look for four things, he says some of our insulin for her wealth.
If you choose a woman only for her, well put a zero you're gonna get zero or for her for her family status just because she's a ham or chaudry and or whatever. So if you married her for her family status, put another zero so you have two zeros
off for her beauty only for a beauty married because she's beautiful, put another 03 zeros or for her religion, if you choose the religion put a one. Now if you put that one word you have 1000 if you choose all zeros all the other above that means zeros but if you choose the D you will get 1000 which means you will get all the evolve along with with working everything but first and foremost choose the dean choose the clock shows the her piety her righteousness if you look for her beauty, that's all you will get
if you choose with wealth that's all you get. There is no Baraka there will not be Nova cannon. I don't have time to tell you stories live stories you know alive experiences of things you know people that I have counseled and whatnot you know problems you will love that with turn your hair not gray green
and if you choose a family status, her father will make you live like a slave. Open the door. Shaw tarhana massage me go this Allah she will make you
I'm exaggerating but telling you
about
women and if you're if you're beautiful, she would tell you to put in the
book pick the dean pick the piety, the righteousness
as the Prophet Mohammed awesome. Terry Bhatia deck is steady. But yeah, that that Eva doc has two meanings, celibate from Torah dust. That means if you pick anything other than the deen, you will get dust. That's one meaning another minute says 30 Betcha duck which means if you pick the dean, you will get all the above. I know you may ask if you know really but there's this girl Mashallah. And, and you know, and she's you know, Mashallah pious, and you know, her job and she prays, Mashallah, but she's not too attractive for me. I may understand.
Well, that the same thing would apply to sister this brothers, Mashallah. And everything, you know, he's Harvard, his audience, Dean and Adam and everything, but
there's not an attractive thing. We say beauty differs, beauty differs. What's beautiful, for me, may not be beautiful to you. Let's say when I say, you know, my mother may say, I don't like her the way she looks the same month for me. She is like, the sun. But she may not like it because again, the beauty differs from a person to another. Beauty is the beauty of
say, the beauty of the heart. Now, it's pick somebody who you can either either attack when you look at her when you look at him, you feel how you feel conference, I understand. Right? But first and foremost, look for the deal. That's what the prophet Mohammed said some of our
mothers, what does each woman like every woman? What do they like? What do they want?
You don't even know.
18 years 20 years of marriage and you said Oh no, man. I know. I know it's a book you have to it's a it's a very difficult book to write. Attention every woman wants attention. What do women want?
The six pack she wants a man with a six pack
that's young you know young you know the youngsters he thinks like that. A woman wants a guy with a six pack you have
that means you cannot get married because she's really a six pack. muskie and voila. I feel sorry for this woman who you're gonna marry
the day when you have one pack.
She will divorce you
What does every woman wants? One brother says attention Yes.
A man has to provide provide masakan problems provide what
take care of everything. Okay.
appreciation sisters. What do you want from marriage from a man
respect respect somebody who respects me of me yeah and he respect me of me know what else
that's it. It's a Tz I know it can give you somebody to give you the spectral house anything and that's it. What else?
acceptance
calaca we call them the four A's of marriage
This is general generic every woman wants attention everyone and every woman wants some affection yeah Have you been
married john
tell me how much you love me Tell me those love words you know and this and that and whatnot and then this last week, but you know as we say
every woman wants appreciation to appreciate what she does and appreciate what she you know what she's trying to do and appreciate her as her and every woman wants acceptance to accept me as me
I know I may be doing things that could be wrong but this is how I was brought up I can learn just like you know we can learn to change to two
males with one another and fulfill the needs of one another but you know we accept me you know accept me as I am expect me Who am I appreciate what I do just a little bit of your any secular hair that doesn't hurt you know from pulling them from the Sunnah of the Prophet I've set up a little bit of you know a small Thank you affection hub, you know, a life without without love.
priceless Murphy spice just like you eat your buddy any without spice.
Messiah. Imagine your wife cooks for you, Brianna. And she does not put
stay valuable.
You are a very successful husband. Even if she cooks it anyway, she cooks it when you eat it.
I wish I wish I have to eat it well just eat sometimes eat and close your nose but eat, just eat. I agree with you. Allah is a collection and everyone must I'm here I'm attached you know attention. Sometimes you know even with kids and they they feel jealous of their own kids. Sometimes
you know the kids are coming to you because you traveled one night he came back in and all of a jump in whether you speak and then you know, she's like what happened? And I'm here
when I'm here attention
and then Sharma you will have a happy one.
If you are a woman sisters, look for the man who has
fear of Allah.
Quiet piety. Look for the man who's kind
and look for a man who has TLC
initiatives.
I was you know my long time ago my neighbor has her his his lawn was green. And they told him What's your secret? He says just some TLC. So I told my wife we need to go to Canadian Tire I need to buy this TLC you know the spray? She says crazy much no share he says TLC then he turned the love and care
then the love and care look for somebody who has this you know these qualities have been tender loving and caring marry somebody who can forgive
Allah forgives wouldn't use sometimes we have such it could be mushy Haji
he does not forgive
somebody you know.
You forgive grudges? No don't marry that guy.
marry somebody who's humble down to earth marry somebody who is generous machine you know what did you eat today and what did you score and what did you spend and he makes you smell the the meat you know it meets once a year in read
you know where did you go show me where I met somebody who's been generous marry somebody who has a sense of humor. Show your kids okay what's your name Hey. Adnan imagine you married this lady and then they know you and her together you took her and then she responds with the
new masala and in the house
you tell her know when you're hungry
as an insurance firms
you know the
ones with the highlight of the third of the for the third for the the errand and then you when you're asleep you
know and then curious what what kind of mesh I was like what it's a boring life.
You want somebody who has a little bit of humor sense of humor kiddush way to make you laugh. It's alright.
There's some houses so Pamela as if smiling is heroin or beta. We cannot smile at home it's a bit ah Is it your home?
Are you smiling? Do you smile only Hello. Home to annoyed to see it at home you have to be on board. The term
You know, smiling younger man.
There's some kids who are so scared of their father. When he comes home, they run away, Father his home, run away.
A medical note is here.
Their understanding is very important. And listen to this, understand it does not necessarily mean somebody who understands your language because I speak all those who he speaks. Although we can get along that's
not necessarily true. Not because I speak out of he or she speaks out of me, we can get along with somebody who understands you before you even talk.
Somebody will understand you just by looking at your face.
And this is when you know when we call it the language of the eyes.
The eyes they have a language now after this 41 year of marriage was 20 other married just by looking at your spouse, you wouldn't know if she is all right or not wasn't you will know you're still trying to figure it out.
It's still
complicated.
You see, and the standing and here's why sometimes and I know I don't want to get into this topic of you know, exporting you know, our husbands or wives especially the wives from back home and our husbands from back home, you know, whatever the back home is and say okay, you know, get along it's alright you know, I my fault You know, my I got married you know, it's all pre arranged and and having to sign that was at the time times have evolved, things have changed. Things have changed. So we need to cope with that change my brothers and sisters and I know this is a very you know, quite long topic, but and I'm not I'm not I don't have time to get into it. But again, understanding is a
very, very important element into the marriage. Ask for references.
One person I could ask as a woman if I was
a girl with a woman I would ask maybe the man
this guy who came you know his name is Mohammed the movie and whatever his name is? Do you know him? Well, if you don't want to talk to the man, you can ask your brother your father. I talked to him Do you know this guy? Yeah, he comes to the masjid. What do you know about him? That guy? Mashallah. He's like him at
the very end of the message. He's always here. Fortunately, he's always the first time Mashallah he's always the guy though.
So the exam is giving you a good reference
who
we see once and when he comes, he destroys dimensions as he leaves. Now you shouldn't get any other guy because when he came, he was
he came home you know, to America took me from my father, and he has them
and he had the coffee. Every and we my father asked him What's your name? And he said, my name is Milan hamdulillah. What's your mother's name? My mother's name is Fatima Mashallah, you know, every time he says something says Mashallah hamdulillah
so when the as the name says, I know him, I know that guy in Lima in there anybody? Even me except a Milan.
Him, the man is a good reference or
his friend from work.
If you know somebody who knows him from work, or maybe the neighbors or the neighbors are also good. What do you know about that guy? You know, oh, the guy was just named Mohammed. Yeah, we know him.
The police troopers are always here.
It's always put, he's probably he's always when he says he's so good. That guy. I don't want to introduce them just because of him.
Yeah, look at the reference they give me all that guy
is amazing, man. He's very nice, very good, very kind. You know, from time to time he comes and he gives us things about you know, in Ramadan, and he comes in Giza is a really, really nice man. He's good man. We don't know nothing about him other than he's really sometimes he goes and he shoveled the snow for us. We never told him anything. Sometimes he comes to us for reference, whatever the reference is, but do ask for references doesn't go blindly. Yes, there is something called se taharah the subject of consultation whereby you ask Allah subhana wa tada to open up your heart, you know, to make that, you know, proper decision, but also do ask for a reference.
How much time do we have? Chef?
10
it's
10 minutes.
Isn't the Sava 1030?
Yeah, you have 20 minutes, I need to jump shakeela I need to jump and go to two very important things right here and then shala.
Remember, I talked about the love triangle?
What is loving Islam
from Pakistan enough heroin I don't talk about love and hate to be that. What's love?
Define love for me.
The tough one.
Love is sacrifice is the best who
sacrifice them.
What's love?
Anybody love
other than Bollywood Ah,
Rama, Rama. Here's the love triangle. They teach apps of love. There's something called selfish love.
conditional love.
Unconditional Love selfish love. I love me. You love me. We love me. Everybody loves me. Great. No, I love me. Everybody loves me. I love myself. You love me. Everybody is selfish. You do things for me and I don't care about you. I just as long as you do it for me. That's all it is. Selfish love. conditional love.
I love me you love me, I love you. You did things for me, I will do it for you. You take care of me. I will take care of you. conditional love what we initially want or eventually you want we want that to
elevate to something called unconditional love. What is unconditional love, sister. The love that you have for your daughter or your son is that conditional love? Until you obey me then I will love you. It was your Sunday that your son My brother is your son. Do you love him? I only when he obeys you
only when he serves you is that when you when you love him and then when he does when he does not serve you when he does not obey you you hate him?
No you don't. Why? Because
and because it's unconditional love. And that's the type of love that we want between every spouse and conditional love. Remember we talked about the adolescent remember we talked about justice and exes and he said to give more Expect us because sad right? I'm doing I'm being you know trying to do the
not being perfection but excellence being you know doing son in marriage.
Remember the magical recipe? I'm gonna give you sisters. This is for the sister three recipe No, these are three ingredients. For an shout Allahu taala your husband to be for you with you and shall forever let's say for him as a last resort.
I call it magical recipe is taken from the son of the Prophet Mohammed is assistance. Are you ready?
Yes, sir. Yes.
If you're not ready, I can move on.
You're not ready.
Yes, Lee, magical recipe. Number one.
Help him stay fast. And I will answer this listen to him and share his interests. This is taken from who this is taken from the Prophet Mohammed Al Salam and Khadija Khadija, so listen to the story. The most In fact, the beloved person the set of the Prophet Mohammed is of Sudan, Khadija, Khadija, the best friend, in fact, the best when we talk about love stories, you know the love of all time when we talk about Romeo and Juliet and whatnot. The best love story of all time is the story of the Prophet Mohammed as I see them. And Felicia Khadija one Khadija imagine who's been in who's been to Mecca.
Those of you been to Mecca who's been on, Have you visited the mount? The cave where the cave shadow is, have you gone to all the way to the top? You have really a shot, you've got to the top? How long did it take you to go to the top?
How long?
Two, three hours, about to go all the way to the top? And to come down?
Here is Prophet Mohammed imagine this with His Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam in that case.
The only person who would know his whereabouts, how do you show them on the Hawaii because he used to bring him food sourcing, and furthermore, still the baby was still a little kid. And she used to go with Fatima.
And she used to climb in it took you two hours. Imagine this woman who would walk up you know, she would climb that mountain to three hours almost every day because at some point towards the end of the day for the prophethood of the Prophet Mohammed. Poverty would stain her Hara for weeks, days, weeks, he would stay there. So she would use to bring him food so she's to bring him food. And she used to go and she has to stay with him and sit with him for hours. He is the father. He used to say that both of us have ignored nowadays and neglected nowadays. This is called
HTML
Meditation What a beautiful a bad contemplation he would go to that cave, such a very beautiful, you know, design cave, Allah has designed a cave of Prophet Muhammad, which got an opening with a view directly to the camera.
So the poverties fall away from the noise and, and the and the thing that happens in Mecca. So he goes, isolate himself and sits in that in that cave to contemplate and meditate, right? And the only person who knows his whereabouts, like I said, is Hobbesian. Right? So all of a sudden, one day, one day as Prophet Mohammed is sitting, you know, who comes to see him? Some men, a guy who's never seen some of them in his life, he brought something with him, right? And then he comes to the Prophet Mohammed. And then he hugs him until he was about to talk. Imagine you're sitting, I want you to imagine this.
And I teach this one I bought to Michelangelo and Medina wanted to teach the seal alive there. So I take them and I teach them exactly what happens when they can visualize it, visualize Prophet Muhammad is sitting, a guy who comes all of a sudden, I've never seen him, he hugs him as he was about to Trump, and he doesn't read a clock. And he from nowhere, and part of the Mohammed is his only, only he does not read, he does not know how to read my wife. So he doesn't read. I'm so confused and scared, at the same time terrified, who is this man? I don't know how to read. And then he hugs him again. What's the point? You know, I don't have time to explain, you know, what's the
point? What's the correlation between the hugging and the reading? Why is he hugging him? I thought he was about to draw
three
o'clock, but he has the same as
he can read no more. And then he releases him. And he says, it tells you read again the second time read.
And for the second time, he says, I don't know how to read. And then for the third time he hagas as he was about to read,
does not
have read, we don't read any. And then he says the third time, what does he say?
What should I read? And then he says, Don't read an epilogue Bismillah. Allah, what happened to the Prophet Mohammed as a sinner? after that?
He goes down running. Why does he write he goes, he goes down, running all the way to Mecca, the hidden few kilometers, right few kilometers about, you know, four or five kilometers into the witch's Mecca, into where he was, you know, his house. And then he goes, when does he go to his best friend?
Who does he go to?
Khadija and then imagine now Prophet Mohammed, Khadija there is no expression or Hadith, you know, that tells you, you know, what does she do whether we know that it's common sense here, your husband's sisters has come breathing, and he's so fast and so loud and tired and sweating, and scared. And oh, the first thing he says, you know, when you sleep at night, sometimes No. And you see, you see a bad dream. You see a very scary dream. And then and then you wake up what do you do? You try to cover yourself, even though you're scared, you know, you're trying to go inside because he's just so very, you know, bad nightmare. So the Prophet Muhammad is so scared is a scared man.
You know, he told his wife sirmione Cover me call me. So you
can either just imagine the one for the Prophet, she calls him but she just called him and asked him. What does she do? What would she do? Common Sense. What would she do?
She might have hugged him soccer hair. I'm sure she would. I'm sure she's just sitting. She's sitting with him and he could just hug him and she's sitting and waiting for him.
Some believe is a million examining the economy economy, your wife and in general, what would she be doing? She's scared she's terrified. What's wrong Habibi when she I'm sure she must have had him. And now he's telling her the story.
I was here. And in other case, the cameras are Yes. That was there. Yes. So what happened? What did she do?
She's listening. What happened? What happened?
I'm sure she must have said something. It's black and white.
Now um, what happened? Tell me this because the highlight only says that the moon is Amina. She heard him and then she said, you know, she referred to but then the poverty stricken boy was there and then this man came from nowhere. I've never seen him before. He hugs me and he doesn't need me. I didn't he leaves me. I think he's done that. Ever seen this man before?
What happened to me? I think he hugged me ganadores the truck I couldn't breathe.
I think he released me.
He did not interrupt.
But look at the
the magnificent work of this amazing woman
Khadija
She's so brilliant, smart, intellectual woman. When we say as a woman,
what did she do? She listened, she listened. She did not interrupt.
You know, she did not interrupt. She could have said, ha, ha. I told you. I told you you don't listen.
I chose not to go.
You see, it must, you have possessed now look at you. You never listen.
Good.
This is maybe a while you're the wife, or you don't like to talk to your wife about your problems, because every time you try to tell about your promises, I told you, but you don't this
isn't it? Sometimes we don't have.
Am I right? Or right?
The Prophet went to her she listened. Look what she said. Look what she said. And what she says is the most beautiful thing. Color
alone never let you down Allah will never harm you. And then she started talking about his quality similar as if the Prophet does not know these qualities. He knows yet she told him no machine you are, you know, you have the you have the needy, you host the guests. She said admission on his good qualities as if he does. Imagine. If he was from zero to 10. He was terrified. Now she's listening. And now she's talking to him and probably cursing him in his head and whatnot and hugging him. And then she starts talking about all these good qualities. Now I'm sure he's he's, you know that that fear level must have gone down from maybe 10 to about six or seven or whatnot, you know, she's still
telling you about all the things that he has good will never harm you is why alone harm you. And then to walk the torch it was him. That's work. I'm going to take you to some who can someone who can tell you exactly what happened. She took him to where to visit who
was
her. Her cousin was an orphan who lived so long to be over 80 years old at the time. And then when she worked with him, Look, she walked the talk. Let me come and see exactly, yeah. And she comforted him. But then still the Prophet wanted to know who what happened to me. I still need an answer. I'm going to give you the answer. Come with me. Look at the woman look at the amazing woman.
And she took him to the water. What happened? The professor telling him the problem, you know this what happened to me than what I told him? Yes, that who came to us and moves these tournament moves. You know, the, you know, it was he believed at the time who came to he said alayhis salam. Now the Prophet knew exactly what happened to him. And Who was that man who came and hugged him and told him breathe and whatnot. He was the fundamental work of this woman
who was with him one time and then she came to the Prophet Mohammed ino and told him howdy Jessie's coming. You know, holding a tray, give her the Gluck tidy, give her salon, give or sell them from Allah and myself and give her the gluttony of a house in Jana. A house in Jenna from this pearl from this pearl. Yes house from Jenna because she sacrificed she was patient and the day of the siege, when they seized the Muslims, you know, for three years they came to Khadija. They came to Khadija and they told her Auntie you stay back home. Was this dignified? No, you don't have to be with them. She says no, she used to do
these respective so much. This isn't Jay Z.
You don't have to come You can stay back in your home and whatnot. But the Muslims we have to be seized them industries have been open for three years. She said no, no, my husband goes I go he stays I stay. She deserved that house in general.
This is magical recipe. This magical recipe is taken from that life between prophet and hammer system. And hadisha rhodiola hahahahaha I hope that every house, we can use this magical recipe between us and our spouses. Listing is an amazing tool. Yes, I do have about 40 or 50 ingredients to share with you on how to improve our marital relationships but because of sake of time, I cannot do that today. But after here, if it were just to practice whatever we learned so far, just to understand again, remember the psychological differences between another remember the the example I gave about the countries you know and the US you know each coming from a different country,
understand the other person's country and try to respect you know that that background that that person has come from understand and try to implement certain things that the Prophet Mohammed owes us needs to do. We mentioned about the appreciation, the affection, the acceptance and the
and the attention barakallahu. Li Bless you, you know understand these little things. It's not like you know, the brother said I know how am I
Understand totally you know, and I and I really enjoy. Absolutely. But it's more than just, you know, rice. It's more than just rice is more about sacrifice. It's more about compromise. It's more about understanding and affection and whatnot. When was the last time you told your wife? I love you.
I know.
Last aid
No. Or maybe you say by mistake by Why don't we try to do that in Sharla huhtala Let's try to revive this love between us and our spouses May May Allah make your homes like the homes of the Prophet Mohammed Salah slim, may like make your homes filled with you know the the Rama of Allah subhanho wa Taala filled with love May Allah subhanho wa Taala make your home home filled with peace with serenity with harmony and shout Allahu taala Baba caleffi commsec Kamala hair until another episode metalizer servicios de como la hair Sarah Marie
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