Omar Suleiman – Advice To Someone Going Through Divorce – Ask Me Anything
AI: Summary ©
The Prophet's advice on divorce and sh sponsor healthy families is discussed, emphasizing the importance of avoiding divorce and giving advice that is not impermissible. He also advises not to become something unverbal or unverbal, to be mindful of Allah's actions, and to not become something that is un Kentzable. The speaker also advises on proper counseling and arbitration for divorce, and to not play with someone else's life. They stress the importance of trusting one's rights and sharing secret moments in one's life, and offer advice on their responsibilities in regards to their emotions.
AI: Summary ©
As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa-raḥmatu Llāhi wa-barakātuh,
everyone.
Welcome back to AMA.
Al-ḥamdu liLlāhi wa-sallātu wa-sallāmu ʿalá
Rasūlu Llāh wa-lā an'ālihī wa-ṣaḥbihi
wa-man wa-lā.
So, as I've said, you know, subḥāna Llāh,
there are a lot of questions that can
be answered within 60 seconds, and there are
a lot of questions that can't be answered
within a minute, and they require a lot
of elaboration.
And there are many questions that are related,
and most of the questions that have come
in have to do with the topic of
divorce.
People that are going through a difficult divorce,
people that are fearful of divorce, people that
are at the tail end of a nasty
divorce, and they're really asking about how they
should carry themselves, and asking for advice for
themselves.
And I want to, first and foremost, put
a disclaimer forward that this is not a
substitute for counseling, and getting the advice that
you need, bi'tnillahi ta'ala, from someone who's
qualified, one-on-one.
But this is really just combining some of
these questions, and giving nasīḥah, giving advice, as
someone who has had to conduct far too
many divorces.
Now, obviously, divorce is not ḥarām, but it
certainly is resorted to frequently, and the goal
of building family in our community, in shā
'a Llāh ta'ala, healthy families, and a
healthy community by that, you know, means that
when we try to conduct nikāḥs, we intend
that these nikāḥs remain stable and firm, bi'tnillahi
ta'ala, for the long term.
So, obviously, when you go into a nikāḥ,
your intention is to stay married, and not
to have to exit that marriage.
Now, things happen, and another disclaimer, that this
is not referring to extreme situations, situations of
abuse, violence, this is different.
I'm talking about the majority of divorces that
happen in our community, that are usually, you
know, due to incompatibility, you know, people just
no longer want to be together.
And obviously, we have to connect this to
the broader context of not fixing things anymore,
right?
We replace things, we don't fix things anymore,
we're hasty, we're constantly on demand, and we
are constantly looking for instant gratification.
And a lot of times, we enter marriage
with high expectations, and with the desire for
instant gratification.
And so, once those expectations are shattered, and
that instant gratification is realized, then what remains
after is not much.
And so, it is a sad situation, a
growing situation.
And again, sometimes, it's necessary, it's not ḥarām.
But at the end of the day, we
definitely have too many of them.
And so, this video is really for people
that are looking for advice, particularly as it
pertains to their ākhirah, their hereafter.
They don't want to do anything that's impermissible,
they don't want to do anything that's ḥarām,
that brings about the displeasure of Allah ﷻ
in the process.
And so, the first thing that I'm going
to say is, you know that famous ayah,
وَمَن يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَلْ لَهُ مَخْرَجًا وَيَرْزُقُهُ مِنْ
حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِدُ that whoever fears Allah ﷻ,
Allah will make a way out for them,
and Allah will provide them from places that
they never expected.
This actually comes in the context of divorce.
And I will say this, and I hope,
inshaAllah ta'ala, this quote lives.
I've thought about saying this on the manbar,
if I haven't already, to be honest with
you.
The Prophet ﷺ emphasized taqwa, piety, the fear
of Allah ﷻ, God consciousness in marriage.
And I have not seen anything in which
people have less taqwa than divorce.
If people don't even have taqwa in their
marriages, then people certainly have much less taqwa
usually in their divorces.
Because when you're divorced, you're trying to destroy
the other person.
You know, half the time people are just
trying to get revenge.
They feel like they've given so much of
themselves, and now I want vengeance at this
point.
And that's where taqwa really, really, really has
to grab you.
And it really has to stabilize you.
Because it can become so easy to submit
yourself to that.
And so the first thing I say, if
the Prophet ﷺ emphasized taqwa in marriage, I
emphasize it in marriage, of course, like our
Messenger ﷺ, and emphasize it as well in
divorce.
And Allah ﷻ connects taqwa to taraq in
surah al-Taraq and surah al-Tahrim quite
a bit.
Be mindful of Allah ﷻ.
Fear Allah in regards to the rights of
other people upon you.
Do not wrong someone because you feel like
you've been wronged.
Do not hurt because you feel like you've
been hurt.
And it may be that a person could
be mazloom, could be wronged, and they have
the help of Allah ﷻ, but then they
become the zalim.
Instead, they become the transgressor, the oppressor instead.
And so they lose the help of Allah
ﷻ in the process.
So maintain the status of the one who
is showing ihsan, the one who is showing
excellence.
Do not become something that is unrecognizable in
the pursuit of revenge.
That's not who we are, and that's not
for someone who loves Allah and who longs
for a good place in the hereafter.
So first and foremost, ittaqillah.
Be mindful of Allah ﷻ throughout these proceedings.
And this is for the person that's involved
in the divorce.
This is for the person that might be
consulted, a family member.
Unsur akhaqa wari man mazloom.
Help your brother, whether he's oppressed or whether
he is an oppressor.
And many times families get involved.
And to help my son in his divorce,
right, I might be helping him in regards
to his dunya, but I might be earning
him a place in hellfire.
To help my daughter in regards to her
divorce, I might be helping her in a
dunya-ly sense or think that I'm supporting
her as I need to from a worldly
perspective.
But if I'm supporting her in wrongdoing, I
might be securing her place in the hellfire.
And also taking a share of that sin
myself.
You know, we have to be people who
put Allah ﷻ before everything else, especially in
these uncomfortable situations and these very unfortunate situations.
When Allah ﷻ says, do not let your
hatred for people cause you to swerve from
justice.
Allah ta'dilu.
A'dilu.
Be just.
And that is closer to taqwa.
That's closer to God-consciousness, closer to piety.
So first and foremost, be mindful of Allah
ﷻ.
If someone else does not have taqwa with
you, that does not give you the license
to not have taqwa with them.
That's number one.
Number two, haste is from the shaytaan.
Haste is from the shaytaan.
Al-'ajaratu min al-shaytaan.
Haste is from the devil.
Ta'anni min Allah.
And being very calculated about what you do
is from Allah ﷻ.
The Prophet ﷺ warned us about speaking in
haste.
He warned us about saying words in haste.
And especially in anger.
As Ali raḍī Allāhu ta'ala ʿanhu said,
awwaluhu junūn, wa-akhiruhu nadam.
That the beginning of anger is insanity, and
the end of it is regret.
Every single measure that we find from the
sunnah that relates to speaking is to speak
carefully and be calculated with your speech.
What then of something as consequential as divorce,
as consequential as ending a relationship, sometimes a
relationship that's lasted for years and where other
people's lives are also at stake.
Do not be hasty.
Slow down all of the measures of the
sunnah in regards to divorce.
So for example, not conducting the talaq during
the menstrual cycle, during the hayy, waiting for
an entire cycle before you issue a talaq.
Not just issuing it in the midst of
an argument.
The Prophet ﷺ mentioned that, even in jest,
not to use this word.
It's a serious word.
It is a serious decision to make.
Slow things down.
Abide by the sharia process of proper consultation,
proper counseling, proper arbitration, proper thought, proper introspection,
trying to resolve your disagreements.
Don't play with someone else's life like that.
It may be that the other person is
more vested in the marriage than you.
Don't play with their lives like that.
Because again, that could come back to haunt
you in your life and your hereafter.
So slow down.
Number three, do counseling.
Especially if kids are involved.
You owe it to them.
You owe it to yourselves and you owe
it to children as well.
To go through counseling.
I've never seen anyone who…
Well, I don't want to say never.
I've rarely seen people who believe that counseling
will work before they actually do it.
And if you don't go into counseling with
the intention of resolving your issues, you're not
going to resolve them.
Because it needs your intention.
It needs your buy-in.
It needs you being vested.
But if there are other people's lives involved,
especially just even if it's the other person
that you're married to, you really owe it
to them and to yourself to go through
counseling and to go through the proper arbitration
if counseling fails so that you don't wrong
even as you go through with the dissolution.
So take things easy.
Abide by the sharia.
Abide by the laws here.
Their iddah is there for a reason.
Abide by their iddah properly.
Very few people abide by their iddah properly.
Go through the process.
The process is meant to slow things down
so that you can make the best decision
in this regard.
Now, if things fall apart, never weaponize your
children against each other.
That is one of the most evil things
that a person can do, is to weaponize
the children against each other.
Do not bring them into this.
Look, at the end of the day, and
again, I'm talking about normal situations.
I know that sometimes there's fear for life
and there are other factors that are involved.
So don't take this video in the place
of that one-on-one advice.
But never weaponize children against each other.
And what I was going to say was,
at the end of the day, that's still
going to be their mom, that's still going
to be their dad.
And you don't want to make them hate
the other parent.
You don't want to wrong the other person
in regards to their rights, their hukooq, in
regards to their children.
So do not weaponize the children in this
regard.
And don't cut the children off from the
other parent.
Again, there are only extreme situations in which
that is lawful.
And that is something you'll be asked about
from Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la,
and a great violation of taqwa.
Number four, do not try to take more
than what is lawfully yours, what Allah Azawajal
has allotted to you.
Again, وَمَن يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَلْ لَهُمْ أَخْرَجًا وَيَرْزُقُهُ
مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِدُ And the last thing
I'll say here, dear brothers and sisters, is
what Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
says, وَلَا تَنْسُوا الْفَضْلَ بَيْنَكُمْ Do not forget
the good times between you.
Don't forget the times that you shared.
You know, that person, you've given a significant
portion of your life to, and they've given
you a significant portion of their lives.
And there's a lot of amana that's involved
here.
You know, if the Prophet SallAllahu Alaihi Wasallam
said, المجالس بالأمانة That gatherings are by amana,
that when someone confides with something in you,
that you hold that trust sacred.
The trust that you had with each other,
the secrets that you shared, the intimate moments
that you shared.
Don't forget all of that.
The friendship, the hard times.
Go back and think about the times that
that person helped you through something.
Of course, one of the reasons why marriages
often fall apart is ingratitude, right?
You see all of the flaws in the
other person.
You don't see the times they helped you.
You see all of their shortcomings.
You don't see your own.
You see all of the bad times.
You forget all of the good times.
Don't do that.
Think about the times that they helped you.
Think about the times they were there for
you.
Think about the low points.
And be grateful for those things.
Do not flush that all down the toilet.
And the last thing I'll say in this
regard is that's still your brother and sister
in Islam.
So all of the hadith about the rights
of the brother and sister in Islam, this
is now after the divorce is finalized.
They still apply.
And one of you believes in so that
you love for your brother what you love
for yourself.
They still apply in regards to the right
of salam, the right of, you know, to
not be mistreated, to not be wronged.
All of these things still apply because they're
still your brother.
They're still your sister in Islam.
So again, dear brothers and sisters, be mindful
of Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
as you go through this.
Slow things down.
Do not throw everything out the window so
quickly.
Take your time.
And, you know, I'll say this, and I
intended to say this actually towards the beginning
of this, hopefully short advice.
You know, sometimes knowing the sharia in this
regard is very important because knowing all of
your options is also important.
And what I mean by that is, you
know, if it's one talaq, for example, even
if the iddah expires, there still can be
a coming together with a new nikah contract.
So just because you're past the iddah, for
example, if you only have one talaq or
two talaqs does not mean that it's all
over.
You can still come together with a new
nikah contract.
And I say that, for example, because I've
met someone who after 10 years did not
realize that he could have gotten back with
his wife and they wanted to get back
together because they just weren't aware of the
rulings.
So learn inshaAllah ta'ala about what your
responsibilities are, what your rights are, what your
options are in this regard.
And I pray that Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala ease the situation for every single person
that is going through this, especially for those
who are wronged in the process, those who
are abused in the process.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala restore your
rights.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala preserve your
dignity.
May Allah azza wa jal make a way
out for you.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala reward you
for your pain.
May Allah keep you firm and steadfast upon
His way and that which is pleasing to
Him so that you don't relinquish His aid.
And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala grant
you paradise.
May Allah azza wa jal grant you al
-firdawsil a'a with our beloved Prophet salAllahu
alayhi wa sallam, Allahumma ameen.
My du'as are with all of you
who sent in these questions.
And inshaAllah ta'ala, I hope that this
advice helps.
JazakumAllahu khayr, wa salamualikoum, wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
Al Fatiha.