Nouman Ali Khan – Khutbah 02-03-2018 – Dignity

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it's been some time on humbler live had some travel across Europe and I'm back now and it's very good to see the community again. And I pray that Allah azza wa jal accepts my travel and I pray and I had all of this community and the people that are watching online in my prayers, and I hope that I'm in your prayers as well.

This is a continuation of a subject that I introduced a few weeks ago, which is the matter of dignity in the Quran. And I talked about how allows origin defines dignity and some of them, you know, some of its importance and how, how fundamental it is to our existence. What I want to start with today is that Allah azza wa jal in many, many times, he gives us some blessings. And he wants us to give those blessings back. And so for example, Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was told, and let me identify a demon for our didn't the Alyssa says to him, didn't he didn't he find you an orphan, and provided you shelter? So the Prophet's life for them was in a state of orphanage,

and he was he was left without without shelter, and Allah provided him that shelter in the same suit later on. Allah says now return the favor. And so he says, familia, tema de la Takara masala peloton have in the same surah Allah says, Now that you are taking care of as an orphan, make sure that you take care of orphans yourself, don't dismiss them, don't overlook them. The point here is when Allah gives you and me a blessing. The one of its expectations from Allah is that you will actually turn that blessing into a blessing for someone else. Allow me you, Allah gave you shelter, you will become a shelter for someone else. The reason I bring this up is Allah azzawajal has honored us. I

mentioned that to you in the previous discussion on this on this topic, we look at the curriculum that bunny Adam, Allah honored us. What that means, then is because we've been given the gift of dignity and honor that we have to pass that on to people and creation that we come into contact with. We have to pass that along because we are recipients of it. We have to now give it back. This is a way of showing Shakur to Allah azza wa jal. Notice also that Allah in places in the Quran, when he talks about dignity, one of the interesting places in the Corrado subjects in the Quran is what we're going to get after we die. May May Allah azza wa jal make all of us where the agenda by His

mercy. When believers are entered into agenda many times in the Quran, Allah will mentioned this, the sequence must have forgotten what has been carrying, they'll have forgiveness, and they'll have dignified provision. So there's this interesting sequence, the forgiveness you and I know is about our sins, things that we're embarrassed about things that are humiliating, and the word must feel it doesn't just mean forgiveness, it actually means covering. So first of all, the things that are embarrassing about your record and my record are going to be covered by Allah. So we our dignity can be preserved. And it is only then that it makes sense that Allah says what is going Kareem that

they're going to be given noble provision, because if somebody has been humiliated, and their sins are known, and then later on, they're forgiven, and then after that, they're given a big giant house or a palace. What good is that palace when they don't have their dignity anymore? So Allah mentions forgiveness first. And literally forgiveness. The word used here is that of covering from right to cover up so that our our embarrassment is taken away from us, and then allows our gentle mentions what is one caring, dignified, noble provision? That's it's not even big provision or grant provision or grade provision? Those are other places in the Koran. But here Allah says this can

carry on multiple occasions. In any case, on the flip side of it is shaper.

And when shaytaan was the honor was given to Adam alayhis salaam, he felt like it was taken away from him. Right? And so he questioned a lie and said, aha, the lezzy karumba Allah is this the one that you honored over me? Is this the one you dignified and chose over me that's not even choice. This time. It's to dignify you gave him respect as opposed to giving it to me. That's what he said. And so he made a promise to a loan sort of Islam. And he says that in a heartily Illuminati ama if you were to give me some extra time until the day of resurrection Until Judgment Day, that then he can never return home in La kalila. I will and this is a hard word to translate the knock. But I

will manipulate and control his children meaning the children of Adam. Most of them except very few are going to get away from me. Now this is an important I have the word Yes, the knock actually ethnical forests means when you put on

You know, put a saddle on a horse and reins on a horse and you can control it that's actually called in our conference. hulak is a man who has a lot of experience and experience has taught him. When the narc is done by shaitaan it means he uses his experience and his understanding of our behavior to make take advantage of us and to go take us in the wrong direction. Now what did Allah give us that he hates? He hates that Allah gave us dignity. He hates that Allah gave us dignity in this ayah. So what does he want to take away from us, he wants to take away our dignity from us. And the way he does that is two things. One, you will do things to destroy your own dignity. And two, you

will do his work for him, you and I will end up taking other people's dignity from them, or attacking other people's dignity without even realizing it, because that's what he wants. He wants us to do his job. He wants human beings to be humiliated. So he uses some human beings to humiliate other human beings. That's his job. And he does it so well. He's done with so much experience that we don't even realize that we're not giving the proper dignity that we're supposed to in the next coming clip. But I'm going to be identifying groups of people that we tend to overlook when it comes to giving them proper dignity, and proper respect. And what I'm going to try to do is to try to

paint some to my best effort, some kind of a balanced picture. Some of this is obvious, of course, you've heard many times how we have to dignify and honor our parents, allows the will when he mentioned their son to do our very best. He mentioned first in that list. After worshiping Allah Himself, He mentions our parents. But I wanted to highlight today, at least in today's world, by two groups of people, our parents, and our children, I want to actually present both sides of that picture. And also make maybe hopefully, if we get time mentioned some of the practical challenges that you and I have in showing proper respect to our parents and maybe some advice that you and I

can take heat from and maybe even some advice for parents says I'm a parent myself, and I have parents of 100 Allah, may Allah preserve our parents, in any case. So I want to start with what allows them to tell mentions, and he usually doesn't just say, or he usually gives a command without extra instructions, you know, do this or don't do this, but in the case of parents allows it would have went further and said, What in my opinion are in the Cohiba huduma, Oklahoma, Oklahoma ofin, Wollaston Hama wakulla, Houma colon Karima wha

wha kurumba Hama, Kumara biani. Sahara. It's actually pretty exhausting. Let me just say, honor them or be good to them. He went out of his way to describe step by step by step what he expects from us with our parents. And so part of that part of that struggle, he acknowledges himself as our parents get older, then it becomes harder to give them the respect that they deserve.

And so in my opinion, I don't give up Houma. Oh, Kyla Anderson, Cooper, huduma, okie llamada, the word Endeca is important. Here they are in your company, they're close to you. Some people, their parents are living in a different country. Right. So you only get to talk to them on the phone for a few minutes a day. And you're not really dealing with them on a daily basis. Yeah. But others of you, they're living with you, or they're living next to you, or you're dealing with them on a daily basis, some of us that we can't afford separate housing for ourselves and our parents. So they're living in the same house, that situation is reality for some people. For some people, they're just

living down the street, right. And so you have to interact with them on a daily basis. And as they get older, sometimes their demands and their expectations become more difficult for you to keep up with, you have your kids to worry about you have your job to worry about, you have your thing your matters to deal with. And then they feel like they're not getting any time or attention or respect from you. So the one minute they get with you, they get angry, or in their head, they have 85 things to discuss with you. And you just don't have any time or I gotta catch the flight, or I gotta go to work, or I got to do this, or I got to do that. So that one minute they see you sitting eating your

banana, they're like, this is my chance. So then they make that list of 85 things they've been holding in their head. And you just at that time, you're like, I can't remember all this, I don't why are you doing this now, I just had a long day, and you start reacting towards them, you see. So it becomes a very difficult thing for them. Because they feel like you don't make any time for them. You don't have any respect for them. And on the flip side, you feel like they have no consideration for the fact that I'm doing this, this, this and this. And they just kind of bombard me every chance they get. And even when they do the first thing is complete, you don't have any time you're so busy.

You don't have any respect, you know, you know, and then you know, for a lot of us at that, at that time, you're not exactly thinking of this Hooda at that moment, you're not exactly like let me open up the Quran and see what Allah says about dealing with parents and then respond to my father or my mother at that time. You lose it. At that time, the brakes are not on your tongue. They're not on your face, our facial expression changes, we maybe avoid eye contact, maybe we keep looking down like when is this going to be over? You know, or change the subject or walk away all of which are less as you have to avoid doing now how do we do that? How do we because it's almost emotionally

impossible to not get stressed out. We're human

beings, you had a long day you're tired, you're exhausted yourself, you've got 10 problems of your own. So how are you supposed to not lose it? When that happens over and over again, this is the practical side of the problem. The only way you and I can solve that problem is maybe sitting our parents down every now and then, and saying, Look, I know it seems like I don't have time for you. It seems like I'm dismissing you. But really, I'm under just a lot of stress. And I'm really sorry that you feel like this. And I don't ever want you to feel like this. And here's a time I'm going to dedicate that you and I can sit and talk about some of these things. Okay, so you're just putting

some time aside, just like you make time and I make time for other things, maybe just having some dedicated time aside, believe you meet our parents as they get older. Money is not important. Luxury is not important. Going on expensive vacations is not about all the things that used to be a big deal for you and me, when you were younger, I wish I can go on this vacation, I can go visit this city and go to that place, etc. All of that becomes less important for them. It's just a chance to see the grandkids, it's just my son, my daughter just sat down with me and had a normal conversation with me. Or they made me feel important, just a little, these little gestures become a huge for

them. You know, so this is an important part of your life in my life, that we have to give a little extra sensitivity to, you know, in your head shaitaan will come to you and say, you're taking care of them, you're taking paying their bills, you're doing this for them, you're doing that for them, you're driving them around, you're doing you know, when you keep thinking all the things you do for them. And yet, they're still always upset with you. This is this is cheban talking to you get that out of your system, we have to remind ourselves of the things they did for us that we can't possibly remember. Our mother kept us in her belly almost dying. Our fathers broke their backs paying for us

and providing for us some of you are younger here, I see a lot of youth in the audience. And you guys are practically American, you talk like Americans do, you don't have an accent and your parents have a funny accent. And sometimes you think your parents talk funny. They have weird accents. You know. And let me tell you that they the kind of work they did to get you here and what you think you speak better than they do. You didn't speak a word if it wasn't for them. Not a word would have come out of your mouth. If it wasn't for them, just reminding ourselves of the good that our parents have done, that we wouldn't be standing where we are if it wasn't for them. Just acknowledging that and

reminding ourselves of that, instead of them having to remind us them getting to the point and then when a when a mother or father has to get to the point is that this is how you repay me, huh? This is what I raised you. And then you've crossed a pretty far line for them to have to bring that up. You see. So we don't want that to happen. Now the thing is, sometimes there are uncomfortable conversations before I move on to the children. There are things sometimes your parents are doing wrong. Parents are human beings, too. They're not perfect. Our Deen does not say no matter what your parents say? Or do It's okay, just be patient. No, in every relationship, there are boundaries,

there are lines, if your parents are doing or saying something wrong, if they're if they're doing Riba they're backbiting against somebody else, they're talking about somebody else, if they're insulting somebody, if they're using the wrong kinds of words, if they're engaged in that kind of behavior that they shouldn't be engaged in, if they're saying things they shouldn't be saying, doing things they shouldn't be doing. You know, if they're, if they're making bad financial decisions, whatever it may be, then it's your responsibility to try and correct them, but to do so in a responsible, respectful, dignified way, not in a way that will make them feel humiliated. And you

have to be able to say to yourself, and to Allah, and most importantly, to Allah, Allah, I, when I presented this, when I talked about this uncomfortable subject, I did my very best, I didn't cross the line, I didn't raise my voice, I didn't have a bad tone, I didn't change my facial expressions, I remained calm. You see, you can do your very best, you can do your very absolute best. But that doesn't mean that your parents feel that way.

You could be extremely respectful and your mother could come to you and say, You're so disrespectful, you have no respect for me, Allah will ask you. Now what do you do? You did your very best. And that still wasn't good enough, isn't it? So that when that happens with your parents, just understand, Allah does not expect us to be perfect. And ally does not expect that they will be happy with you. Allah expects that you do your very best. That's it, that means that you do your very best. And for each of you, that's different for some of you, your parents, you have a horrible relationship with your parents, some of you, unfortunately, there are parents in the world that are

abusive, to actually hurt their children. And for those, that child the very best that child can do is keep a safe distance. That's the very best that they can do. Because any anything more it will become ugly, and it'll become problematic. Maybe they need somebody else's help to normalize that relationship. And in some cases, it can never be normalized. Sometimes it's that bad. And that happens too. But that's their son. Islam is not coming to tell you and me well because you couldn't fix your relationship with your parents and you did your very best. That's still not good enough. You're going to go to Johanna. It's not like that. Our Deen is realistic. There were some times

cases of Sahaba coming to the School of Law. So Allah has

I'm complaining about their parents saying this is this is what's happening with my parents. So this is a reality that we have to acknowledge. The second part, the second side of the scoreboard that I wanted to highlight that often doesn't get talked about is honoring and dignifying our children.

As a matter of fact, we treat our children, we give them a lot of love, of course, we provide for them, we make sure they're eating, we make sure they're not getting sick, if they're getting sick, we make sure we take them to the doctor, and they're getting medicine and all of these things, we make sure their education is going, Okay. But just like we take care of all of those things, their sense of self worth, and their dignity is also really important. Making our children feel respected is a big deal. And in many Muslim cultures, it's not a big deal at all. It's actually not a big deal at all. It's completely okay for us to embarrass our kids. It's completely okay for us to make fun

of our kids. And even do so in front of others. I want to remind you that when use of hunting, Saddam was thrown in a well, and then he was picked up by a caravan and they sold him as a slave. And they sold sold them to a minister, you know, it's pretty big deal this person, right? So when, when he's Aziz, he's a minister, even regular people that meet him, they show him a lot of respect, right, he's a VIP. And when he brought use of polyester, um, this is just a kid who works in the house. Just compare this to countries like you know, in the goal for in Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, all these places in the world, where you have people servants in the house, they run around and

clean up or whatever. And sometimes they even have kids doing this. What respect to those kids get? What respect to those servants get, you know, this is that child that's Yusuf Ali Salaam at the time, he comes home, he calls his wife and the first words he says to her are a creamy masala who honor his residents. Honor, respect his residents, this is not even their own child. This is a servant. And Quran highlighted that about this, this minister this good that he did for this child, that he actually not only will he honor, he actually told the woman of the house, listen, I'm not going to be here most of the day, you're going to be dealing with him most of the day, and I expect

you to treat him and his space with respect. This is incredible. We're learning that children deserve respect. And of course, that would begin with our own children. But across the board, all children, especially children, whose relationships have been severed from their parents. Now, what does it mean to respect children? I think we have a lot of conversations about respecting parents. But what does it mean to respect children? First of all, don't make fun of them or embarrassed them or talk about how fat they are, or how short they are, or how bad at math they are, or how silly or how dumb they are, or what bad habits they have in front of their other siblings, or in front of

other family, relatives are in front of friends. If you want to correct your child, if you want to scold your child or visit, I won't even say school, if you want to discipline your child, don't do this in front of others, take them to the side alone and have a conversation with them. You know you have we have to emulate behavior, the same things you want done to you. Actually, the way you want to be treated, is actually how you and I should be treating our children, not like property, not like goats and sheep, but actually like dignified creatures that Allah himself has honored. And he's honored us with the responsibility of taking care of them. Of course, I'm saying we have to

discipline our children. And sometimes they're out of line, and they're going crazy, and we have to calm them down. But there's a way to do it while maintaining their respect. While not putting that in front of others, because you know, if one of my daughter's was acting up, and I said, Come here, how can you behave this way? We calm yourself down. I don't like what you just did. And her sister sitting there listening. You know what's going on in the child who's I'm yelling at or who I'm disciplining what's going on. I can't believe I was doing this to me in front of her.

And it's developing this animosity towards her because she enjoyed watching the show. You understand you're creating a negative family dynamic just by not honoring this child's privacy. This is an important distinction or important consideration when it comes to just disciplining or taking care of our children. You know, I've seen things that you have identified just the strangest things to me. They're people that go to, you know, weddings or gatherings and things and their child's eating food. And literally, the parent will take the rest of the playdough and say, No, no, no more, you're gonna stop fitting in your clothes, you're fat enough?

Well, how are you saying these kids these things to a 10 year old or an eight year old, or 12 year old, that's humiliating. That's not how we're supposed to treat children. They deserve more respect than that. And of course, biophotons only hint, when a large xojo highlights the words of the minister are claiming much longer, much more actually needs a permanent place to stay. And the idea is, even children deserve some space in your house. There's a little corner, maybe you don't have a five bedroom house. You don't have a lot of space, but there's some corner that belongs to your boy, or there's one or just is just the bed. Maybe that's all it is. And he's got his posters on there or

he's got his action figures on the side or whatever he does. Or your girl has whatever her dolls are books are her coloring ism, whatever it is. She's got her table setup, whatever that is. That's it.

We should honor as their space, you don't just come wipe all of that away and say I want to, I need to do some work here. Just like you have a space, like, you know, the father of the house, the man of the house has an office maybe has a desk and nobody can touch anything on there, there's a pen that moves from here to here, and Yeoman piano has come, right? The same way our children, their their spaces need to be respected. We can't just walk in on the kid's room, learn just like we expect them to knock, we should build that habit ourselves. Because the what we want them to behave as is how we need to behave with them knock on the door, before you come into your children's room,

don't spy on them. Don't spy on them. Because if you're if it's come to the point where you have to spy on your kids, that means you're not openly talking to them. You're there's no open, respectful communication. And if it's come to the point that you're spying on them, that means they've become really good at lying. And let me tell you, one of the most common reasons children lie is because their parents have humiliated them over and over and over again, and they don't want to face it.

They don't want to face that anymore. So they become very good at lying, open, genuine conversation with our children, if our kids, if one of your kids cheated on a test, if one of your kids lied to you that they finished their homework, they finished their homework, they finish their homework, and a whole two months went by, and then you get a notice from the teacher, by the way, your kid hasn't handed in homework for two months. Now at this point, I know, you know that your your, your anger is like, you know, pretty intense at that point, and your facial expressions change, and everybody better get out of your way, because you're going to find that kid and let him know. But at that this

is the time to calm down, to take the child to the side, sit them down and say, Look, I found out about this commonly, commonly, you'll you'll you'll find that instead of yelling and screaming, having a calm conversation with your children, they'll still be in tears, they'll still be embarrassed, they might still even continue to lie. If they might, that might happen too. But this is the time where you have to parent them not for what happened right now. But what's going to happen 10 years from now, what's gonna happen 15 years from now, if you don't develop this connection now than 1015 years from now, they're gonna remember how you used to humiliate them and

yell at them, and they're not gonna call you back when they're 25. They're not gonna come home when they're 18 years old, because they don't want to deal with that anymore. You didn't build that open, trusting relationship, but then when they were under you, you understand, they're gonna say things to you, like, I'm not a little kid anymore. You can't do that to me anymore. You know, who wants to hear that? We're setting ourselves up for failure when we don't respect the space of our children. You know, just like that, for some parents, it's okay to walk in on their kids when they're taking a shower, or it's my kid, it's okay, no, no, no, no, no, that's their body allows me to give them

higher, even from you, even from parents when you're going to if they need a towel, if they need these things, knock first ask if it's okay, develop the habit of not looking at them. Because they need to know that there's these boundaries. If they don't learn that from their parents, then that's going to be a problem, then they think then that sort of thing becomes okay for them. And that's not okay. These are small things that actually build up the personality of our kids, and help us develop children that first of all have respect for themselves. And then they can give that respect to others as well. If they're not respected if they're constantly made fun of if they're poked, you

know, in the culture I'm from in Boston, teasing kids is like, I don't know, we think it's a Sunday or something like until the kid starts crying. We have to keep poking and poking and poking and poking Mashallah Bella Matteo, Mashallah, Mashallah. And you just, everybody's excusing the cheek and telling you how fat you are, how skinny you are, and, and it's funny to them. It's funny, he's just joking. It's just joking. A little child has a very delicate soul, right delicate heart, when you're going to poke fun of them and humiliate them like that. And this is going to scar them for life. This is not the way to deal with kids. This is not the way to treat children. So you know,

today's clip, but just this gift that Allah has given us some dignity, we have to be a little extra careful. I'm not saying that we humiliate our kids, or we humiliate our parents. But these small gestures go along with just you tonight. Just sitting down, maybe maybe our assignment tonight is, you know, giving your if you if your parents don't live here, if they do live here, go visit them. If they live with you, sometimes you don't eat with them, you know, different times, you're never sitting at the same dinner table. And that's because that's on purpose, because you don't want to deal with that conversation. Right? But just going out of your way, sitting with your father sitting

with your mother, especially sit with the one you have harder time with. Okay, so daughters sit with your mom. And mothers and sons sit with your dad. Cuz sons have an easier time sitting with their moms most of the time. And daughters are just fine with dad. But with the same gender. There's tension. So sit so guys sit with your dad, have a conversation about what he was like when he was younger. Talk to him about when he was in college, or when he got married. When we were first born, what was it like? Just make him feel like you're you want to know more about him. You want to acknowledge his struggles. Just doesn't have to be two hour conversation. a five minute

conversation. See what that

Do you see what the odds are that will come out of your heart? See what they'll say to your mom that night, you know, today, I really felt like he's my boy.

You want that you want that for them. This is more valuable to them than anything else. The same way have this kind of a heartfelt conversation with your kids. Make them feel valued. Listen to them. Hey, so, you know, we asked ourselves, how was school? It was good. Okay, I did my job. I asked him how school was and they said,

there's our communication. That's not communication. That shoulder shrug means I don't really like talking to you. We don't really have much to talk about. We need to learn to engage our children in conversation. So they open up to us that's part of honoring them. molars origin make us more attentive listeners, and better at communicating with our children, and better at communicating with our parents. And really just understand that when we are the way we're dealing with them, now. We're planting seeds for the future. Don't think about right now, think about what's going to happen down the road in the future. And the last bit of advice because I won't be talking about children again,

for a few, you know, for some time to come. Well, we have other subject matter to deal with as far as dignity is concerned. This is one thing I wanted to bring to your attention. That's important. For some of you, you're you're putting your children through religious education. For some of you, you're having your children memorize the Quran. For some of you, you're putting your children in Islamic school. Right, and especially with parents that I've seen that make their children memorize the Quran. It's a tough thing to memorize the Quran, it's not easy, and it's not easy for all kids, right? I have met young men and young women that memorize the Quran when they were young. And they

were embarrassed and humiliated and be and they were put extra extra obligations were put on them, like a six year old girl was made to wear hijab and a jilbab. She's six years old, she doesn't have to wear that stuff. It's not because she's memorizing the Quran does not mean she has to look like she's from the college right now. It doesn't. It doesn't there's nothing in Islam that says that. But we put these things on them. And these expectations on them, right is a boy memorizing Quran does not have to wear a robe. It doesn't. It's okay. You know, they can memorize the Quran in normal codes. And we don't have to put the pressure on them that they need to finish this year. And, you

know, conclude and you know that we're having the new extracurricular activities, all this other stuff, we're put piling pressure on them, and pressure on them and pressure on them. And then so many parents come to me and say, my child's losing motivation, what can you give them a talk? The problem is, you're not giving them love. You're not giving you you know, if 10 years down the road, when this kid is not seven or eight years old, when they're 18 years old, and they hate their memories of how they memorize the Quran. When they hate that memory, you've developed a resentment towards the last book in a child's heart. Just because you thought you you're gonna win them and

you're gonna get a trophy by your kid memorizing the Quran and this your free tickets agenda. It doesn't work that way. That's not how that works. What a level check is not how many Iok you memorized. And having Quran in your heart does not mean you memorize the Quran, have you put on your heart means that you internalize the message of this book. That's the love of this book. I've literally told so many parents, your child is crying when he goes, he's stressed out, he's depressed. He's 12 years old, he's depressed. He doesn't have any friends. He sat all day. This is not what you want for your child. This is the you're supposed to be the happiest memories of your

child's life. Don't do this to your kids, have them learn this thing. And if they're having a hard time, take it easy on them. There's no rush. There's they're not they're still gonna have levels, they'll still make it to the unknown without having finished. You know, but if we don't teach with love, then the consequences later on will be terrible will lie. I have met young people that stopped praying that haven't they, they we they were leading that we when they were 12 years old, 13 1415 1617 years old. The moment they became independent, they haven't prayed since and they're in their 30s and 40s. They don't even come to Jehovah. And they were for the religion was shoved down

their throat as children because we didn't honor them. You have to teach in an honorable way, in a merciful way, in a kind way. You know milazzo which will make us conscious parents and really allow us to teach the deen of Allah to our children in a way that represents the mercy and the dignity of this team. Baraka lovely welcome feel for unpacking, when a family what is lacking.

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