Nouman Ali Khan – Choices In Relationships

			salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
		

			hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was salam wa ala l mursaleen.
		

			Early, he was happy he was minister Nebuchadnezzar II
		

			mean home woman and Latina Amano,
		

			whatever, Saville
		

			whatever. So the sub minella will either mean about
		

			pretty much everything I wanted to say has already been said. So
		

			this is going to be awkward, but inshallah tada what I'm going to be sharing with you are some very
basic things about relationships within the family.
		

			And one of the things that you might find peculiar in these 20 or so minutes that we're spending
together, is that I'm not going to be speaking about very high ideals, I'm going to be talking about
some very basic things that I personally feel actually I'm fairly convinced, are plaguing all
families, Muslim, or non Muslims, by the way, are no exception to the problems of family in modern
times. So the problems that non Muslims are facing in their family, we're not too far behind. And to
assume that we are somehow immune from the problems of the modern world is a deception. Anyhow, one
of the first things I want to talk to you folks about is education.
		

			What nowadays we consider a good education, and why do people get an education in with people get a
good education nowadays, to get a good career, that's probably the number one reason you're going to
school or you're sending your children to school or plan to send your children to school, that
eventually they will have a good way of making money for themselves a career a meaningful career.
The second reason why people pursue an education is to get credentials. It's kind of a show of
respect, that I went to college I graduated, I have a degree, it's kind of a show of a respectable
member of society, when you're not able to finish your high school diploma or go to college or
		

			whatever else. It's almost a disgrace in most societies, especially in societies where the parents
didn't have such an opportunity. Like they were farmers, or taxi drivers, or whatever else, they
dreamed that their child when he grows up or she grows up, they will definitely get an education. So
the two fundamental reasons for which people pursue an education nowadays, is either to get a
career, or to gain some respect in society. These are the two reasons that are shared by all people,
this is not even a Muslim thing. This is across the world going somebody why they're pursuing an
education in Australia, or in China, or in Pakistan, they'll tell you the same thing.
		

			But what I want to add to this discussion, and what this has to do with family and relationships, is
that we're living in strange times where you can have a PhD in biochemistry. And you can have a
doctorate in nuclear physics or history or political science. And the guy does not know how to be a
husband.
		

			The guy has no clue how to be a neighbor. He has no idea how to be a good son, or a good father,
that matter, he has no clue. I would consider that a basic education, to be a decent son, a decent
father, a decent neighbor, basically a decent human being a decent husband. These are basic things,
but people have pursued and we've defined for ourselves education and other things. And when it
comes to the very basics of being a decent member of society, and a decent member of your family, we
are almost completely ignorant. And a lot of times people that are completely ignorant even may even
be extremely knowledgeable in religion. This is the crazy one. The religion that came to make you a
		

			decent person, the religion that came to make you a respectable human being that gave you your
dignity back, people have knowledge of this religion. They're attending courses, seminars, listening
to speeches, memorizing students studying the seed, and yet they don't have the wherewithal on how
to talk to their wife or talk to their mother. They don't know how to carry a conversation on the
phone, they lose their temper all too easily. So Pamela, it's incredible. It's really ironic. So
what I want to focus on are some very basic things, travel to adult life, a gift of a lot of me, I'm
grateful, eternally grateful that I have had the opportunity to see over 150 Muslim communities all
		

			over the US must have too much to too much to community, to community to community. And you know
what I see, I see the same thing. I see the same exact mistakes being repeated by us over and over
and over and over again. And you know, who comes to me all the time and says, Can you talk to my
children, parents of teenagers,
		

			parents of teenagers come to me all you know, I have my my son. He just doesn't listen to me
anymore.
		

			Can you talk to him? Like I have some prescription drug that I carry with me? That, you know, Oh,
you know what it is I'm going to the sun comes over, I'm going to be like,
		

			all of a sudden he'll be this amazing kid.
		

			You know if but if you just talk to him, No, no, no. What if you talk to him? And where were you
when there was time to talk to him? Let me tell you something about I'm going to talk about parents
first a little bit, then I'll talk about couples. And that's the only time we have two things, two
kinds of fundamental relationships, your relationship with your children and your relationship with
your spouse. So we'll talk about some very basic things in regards to both. When your children are
little when they're little when they're 567234. You know what the most important thing is, I have
five of those I could tell you, I could tell you, the most important thing to them is your approval.
		

			Do you want to make you proud, man, they want to show you what they did. I'll be on an important
work phone call. important word phone call and my son will come with my two year old come over. Bah,
bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Like, okay, hold on. What is it?
		

			I'll go back on the phone and he'll start calling me again. I'll be that we'll get we'll kill him.
What is it? I'll show you something. What do you want to show me?
		

			That is it.
		

			But you know what I'm supposed to do? Oh, my God, that's awesome. Do it again. I'll call you back.
		

			You're supposed to appreciate what your children do they live for that. They desire that more than
anything else. I have three girls. And you know, the difference between Girls and Boys Boys can sit
still. And girls can't stop this. Right? So I picked my girls up from school ones in first grade the
others in third grade, I picked them up from 25 minute ride back home, and what are they doing the
whole way? You know what happened today in class, we colored a dinosaur. And we did this and that
and I was coloring in purple. But I decided to put in some green and they're going on and on and on
and on and on. And they cannot help themselves. And they cannot stop and I have to pay attention.
		

			And listen. I have to listen to Oh, what about blue? No, I did only a little bit blue. Right? I have
to pay attention. And you know why I'm saying all of this. But just one more story on the side just
to wake you up a little. I share the story all the time. My oldest daughter, my eldest has now she's
when she was younger, she was really into finger painting. So dip her hands and paint and just
making a big old mess. Right? And she brings this big cardboard to me. And it's a big blob of blue.
I don't see anything. Right? And she says, Look what I made.
		

			And I'm sitting there going, that's awesome. A mountain? And she says no, it's Mama. And I was like,
Oh,
		

			don't tell Mama.
		

			But the point I'm trying to make is they live for your approval live for it. But those of you that
have children that are teenagers, do they get in the car when you pick them up from school? And they
can't stop telling you about what happened? Does that happen? And you know what happened in school
today? My teacher said this and that and the other and I got an A on my paper? Nope. They're quiet.
And you're trying to do How was your day was okay? So what you do something
		

			where you go into this somewhere?
		

			They don't talk getting them to talk is like an interrogation at a police station. And they're not
saying anything to you. And while trying to ask them questions. They're texting their friend. My dad
is asking too many questions today. You know,
		

			I don't know what's up. Did you tell him something?
		

			What I'm trying to get at is very simple. at a younger age, your children crave your attention. And
when they get older, you will crave their attention. But if you don't give them attention when
they're tiny. When they come to you with their toys and you say go in your room. I'm watching the
news. The game is on Could you take him please? Come on. I had a long day at work. I don't want to
deal with this right now. We have some we have friends over It's embarrassing. Go to sleep. Get out
of here. When you have this attitude towards your children. Like they're an obstacle in your path.
Your job was at work. When you come home, you're on vacation. Nobody your job began when you came
		

			home. That's your job. What you did over there is just to fulfill your real job at home, be a
father, I'm talking to the men here, be a father, spend time with your children. They're not just
there. So you think you put up in school and you come home from work. You just want to go to sleep.
You don't want to bother him, buddy. You don't want to talk to them. And actually the easiest way to
not talk to them is get them an iPod Touch and an iPhone and get them a computer and a laptop in
their own room with high speed internet. So you don't even have to look at their face. They can just
be in their room all day. Facebooking finding themselves a new set of parents online.
		

			Mine,
		

			seriously, be be a father be a mother. don't replace your motherhood, in your fatherhood with these
things. Because if you do, when they become independent, you know what happens to most parents, to
most of you, your children, they only see you as a bunch of dollar signs walking around. And the
only time they come and talk to you, can I have five bucks? Actually, nobody asked for five bucks
anymore, right? It's 20s. Nowadays, and I know, I know, you haven't seen money that small, they
don't know fives, can actually dollars, can I go to the mall? Can you drop me off? Can I go over to
my friend's house? Can I do this, can I do that? Can I do the other when they want something they
		

			come to you, otherwise, you don't see them. And when they get to a certain age, where they are old
enough to make their own little bit of money, guess what, you're not gonna see him at all. Because
your cash register is no longer relevant. That's no longer relevant. If this is the relationship you
are setting yourself up for, you're headed for destruction, we got to change this now. And the way
to change it. And it's gonna be hard for a lot of you to implement this. But we have to be friends
with our children, we have to be their best friends, they should enjoy hanging out with us the most
the parents, the parents should not be a nuisance. The pitch parents should be a joy to children,
		

			they should be a joy to them. And being good parents doesn't mean you get them toys, and you get
them nice things and you get the nice clothes. That's all there. And that's fine and dandy. But the
most important thing you give them right now is your time, especially in this society, where so many
things are pulling away at their time. And the thing you are not able to give them you can give them
their own room. You can give them money, you can give them allowance, you can give them clothes, but
you don't give them time. And when you don't give them time they separate themselves mentally from
you. They cut themselves off, they learn to become independent and an early age and independent in
		

			this society really means alienated It doesn't just mean independent. This is a serious matter and
how to raise our children, we have to openly communicate with them. And that's the other thing. I'm
part of this communication only one more thing about parents before I go to marriage. Just one more
basic thing about parenting in this society. You know, there are certain things in Islam that are
absolutely unacceptable. They're taboo, they're forbidden. They're haraam. They're, they're evil.
But our children see them every day. They see this stuff every day, you can even avoid it. They're
looking out their window and they see a billboard
		

			You know, they're just watching cartoons and an ad comes on. They see this stuff and you put them in
most of you put them in school and I don't even say Islamic schools are safe. Because most kids in
Islamic school are watching the same shows that the kids in public school are watching. And they're
talking about it at the school to Let's face reality for a moment, they are exposed to a lot of
stuff. They really are. So the first time your daughter comes home and starts talking about some you
know some Disney boy that they're you know, they're pushing on in the media, or some girl that sings
a lot of songs and these are filthy role models filthy, no worse than animals. I'd rather my
		

			children watch like puppet animals and watch these people because they behave worse than animals
will lay these the handle Montana's of the world, or the filth of the planet. They really are. And
to have I've seen this little Muslim girl with a job on going to Islamic school with a Hannah
Montana bookbag. What is wrong with you, parents? What happened to you? This is unacceptable. But
when your children bring something like that up, they say something like that. They say something
that is completely unacceptable to you. What happens to most parents? This is wrong. You're not
talking about these things? Start with Allah.
		

			Fine, I guess you don't want to talk about it. I'll just talk to my friends about it then. And you
know, what did you basically told them if you have something that is of this nature of a
controversial nature, don't talk to me about it. But does that mean they'll not talk about it at
all? They will talk to someone and who is it going to be
		

			their friends, most of the time they're non Muslim friends from whom they will get non Muslim kinds
of advice. you close the doors to communication. And me being from the background. I am my ancestry
is have gone. So I have a hot temper. So my daughter came home one day preschool. My daughter was in
preschool, but we have this we're very possessive of our daughters, you know. So she was on and she
says, you know, what was so funny in class today, I was like, Who's that me?
		

			And my wife says to me, calm down. Let me talk to you go away. You can't handle this.
		

			And she talks to me she was nothing he just fell off the chair using it was funny, it's very
innocent. But if she hears my dad get really gets upset when he hears the name of my daughter, you
know, should he for whatever, you know, so I better not bring it up. I better not tell my parents
what happened at school than I've shut the doors of communication. I've made that mistake. And a lot
of parents made that mistake and their pain is now and they're listening to this and they're
shedding tears because they're remembering the mistakes they made.
		

			They really are. But let's switch gears quickly in ChildLine, and talk a little bit about marriage.
The other fundamental, the core component of a healthy society, we cannot talk about Dharma, we
cannot talk about establishing a harmonious Islamic Society until we have harmony inside the
household. But our households are the places of chaos. How are we talking about higher ideals in
Darwin, our homes are broken. Husband and wife are arguing every day sarcasm inside the house. sad
commentary towards each other, you know, you're really not that pretty.
		

			Or you're no use of Islam yourself. You don't see me cutting my hands, no.
		

			Unnecessary sarcasm, unnecessary, hurtful commentary towards each other hurtful words to it. And you
know, a lot of times you know exactly what's going to annoy your wife, and you do it anyway. And a
lot of times the women they know exactly what's going to get under his skin. And they'll say it
anyway. Just to see what happens. Right? And who's watching all of this? while you're doing this to
each of these word games, you're playing with each other and this battle inside the house who's
watching who's the real victim, the children, the children are learning this behavior. What kind of
parents are they going to be when they grow up? There's no sense of forgiveness inside the marriage.
		

			You know, the Muslim men, a lot of you who work in you know, in the public sphere in corporate or
whatever else, you'll go to work your secretary, highly inappropriately dressed is smiling at you.
How's it going? Mohamed? How's your day? Like? It's pretty good. Yeah, you know, I didn't have it
like five minute conversation with the secretary. You come home, the wife says house you want to
talk about it. I had a long day at work.
		

			This is what we're doing inside our homes, ruining our own relationships with our spouses. When was
the last time let me tell ask the brothers I'm not in a position to speak on behalf of the sisters
because I'm not one. They shouldn't be getting advice from sisters. But let me get on your case for
a minute. on my own. When was the last time you got her a gift? Man?
		

			That was a lot. You took her out to the to the bazaar over there. And she picks up there. No, no,
no, put that back back. Oh, the last time you got or something spun without her asking. When was the
last time you hung out with her? Just took her off for some ice cream for no reason. For much. They
also just ask for your time. They only asked for your time will lie. There are sisters who
complained to me and I couldn't believe my ears. They complained to me that they haven't seen their
husbands forever. Because when they come home, they sit on the computer and just YouTube away the
whole night. And they haven't seen they're crying. It's like we're not even married anymore. Get off
		

			the computer man. You have a wife you have children to deal with. That's your priority. What are you
sitting there listening to so what Islam is that? You know, I was late to this lecture. I was 20 I
supposed to be at 10 o'clock. I got her 1025 You know why? I was stuck at the elevators in the
Marriott.
		

			I was because I had to deliver burgers to my kids. How am I going to come here and give a failed
relationship lecture about relations with family and my kids are hungry.
		

			So I'll be late. I'll deliver the burgers first. We have to be courteous to our family. We have to
extend we have to be the best to them. The messenger tells us a lot more I need to send them hi
eurocom eurocom li y well, Anna hieromonk on me I the best of you are the best of their families who
can actually claim I'm the best pass on my best self to my family. You guys are so much nicer to
your friends so much nicer to your coworkers so much more courteous to the police officer pulls you
over. But you cannot extend that kind of courtesy to your mother. You can't talk to her for 10 extra
minutes. As the moment she starts getting a little annoying, and starts telling you all the things
		

			you don't do. Right? You say I gotta go, I got another phone call. I can't talk right now. Listen to
her. sit there and listen to her. This is what you're supposed to do. That's your job. She didn't do
that with you. I can't hear you're crying right now go in the other room shut it, you know, deal
with it yourself. Your mother carried you she took care of. We have to be the best to our spouses.
We have to be the best to our parents. These are fundamentals in relationships. And by the way, all
the other relationships get fixed. If these two are fixed, and these two The only way they'll be
fixed is your relationship with allies fixed. So if you have marriage problems and parental
		

			problems, you know what the real problem is? That for any man?
		

			You're not grateful enough. Your spouse is a gift of a lot to you. And to be ungrateful to a gift is
to be ungrateful to Allah azza wa jal. Your parents are a gift of a lot of you. So if you don't have
a good relationship with them, who are you actually being ungrateful to think about that? Think
about that. So hon Allah. I urge you to seriously start having dinner with the family. Don't eat by
yourself. Don't need a separate time, make a time. make at least one I'm not demanding too much from
you at all. Seriously, make small commitments set a time in the day where the whole family gets
together and prays together.
		

			It's a set time, just like there's a set time for the TV show. And there's a set time for homework
and there's a set time where you get back to work. There's a set time we pretty much live together.
There's a set time we pray every shot was one prayer, at least you get together with the family and
you pray together. Together, that in and of itself is huge. Its enormous, you could at least do this
this month, just start with this, you know, inside the house and you will begin to see a better
relationship with your wife and your children. You know, the final comment I want to make before you
inshallah, tada is about balance. And this is a long discussion, I'll open it but I'll leave you to
		

			think about it.
		

			One time the messenger I think it started was around was asked about what Islam is, what is this
Deen?
		

			So, he has to give a brief answer, he has to sum up the entire religion in very brief language. And
he chose this ayah from Surah Nisa,
		

			this one ayah which summarizes the entire thing. And what is this in a la jolla Moroccan and to
Abdullah net Illa Allah.
		

			It is no doubt Allah who commands you to fulfill the rights of people, the trusts that have been
given to you to give them back in full to those who deserve them. People have a right over you
people are having trusted you with something and you should fulfill it completely. That is what a
lot of commands you
		

			will either run by NASA.
		

			And whenever you make decisions between people make those decisions with justice, make them with
justice. I won't even go through the rest of the ayah Let me tell you something, especially to the
men and those who are responsible, the shepherds of the household, you are pulled in different
directions, the dean is pulling you Your job is pulling you Your wife is pulling you, children are
pulling you, your parents are pulling you, you have all these obligations to all these different
things. And sometimes your mother asks you to do something, which will be a violation of your wife's
rights. And your wife will ask you to do something that will be a violation of your mother's rights.
		

			And there's a there's a battle going on, and who's stuck in the middle who's taking the beating on
the one on one phone call with the wife, the other with the mother and who's in the middle, the
husband. And a lot of times what ends up happening is either he sides this way or he sides that way.
So what we have to be, we have to be just we have to be the nicest the kindest to our parents, but
we cannot lose the sight of justice. You don't have the right to violate the rights of your wife.
Allah didn't give you that right? No, you cannot fulfill somebody else's obligations at the expense
of somebody else's, you cannot do that your children have a right over you. Nothing can take that
		

			away, you will be answerable to Allah for not fulfilling the rights of your children. You have an
obligation to your spouse, you have an obligation to your parents. And each of them are separate
spheres, don't confuse them with each other. You have you have a tough job, you signed up for it you
want You're the one who wanted to get married.
		

			You signed up for it already, so you better learn to deal with it. This is a balance, you'll have to
establish and will lie if you don't establish that balance in your house, there will be chaos, there
will be fighting all the time. There will be fighting all in between in laws and children and
husband and wife and all kinds of craziness in your home. Because you haven't learned how to balance
yet. You haven't learned how to fulfill your obligations yet. And the role of the spouses the lions
is to their husbands find a balance not just to fulfill their agenda, because they will be
answerable to allies Well, they're supposed to support their husbands and help them. Stop being
		

			sarcastic towards each other. Stop complaining about each other. Just do your part. Don't expect
from your wife, don't expect from your husband, expect from Allah, just do what you're supposed to
do. What you deserve will come from Allah will not come from your spouse, get over it. Stop whining
and stop complaining. The moment you start complaining, you are already not taking into
consideration all the good things Allah has given you. And this is what I conclude with. How many
things is a lot given us that we should be grateful for?
		

			How many things has a lot given us that we should be grateful for? We can't count, we can't even
count one nirma we're in that will do near mattala mouffetard. singular, if you were to try to count
one minima of Allah one blessing of Allah, you would not be able to encompass it. We lost favours or
countless upon us. So if you find the time to complain, that means you didn't have enough time to
thank Allah for so many things, that you have enough time to complain about things. This is the root
of in gratitude. It's the height of in gratitude. When someone starts complaining, Quit complaining.
Quit complaining if you have problems, learn to be grateful to Allah first and have some the key to
		

			solve it is being grateful to Allah. And if you don't have patience, it means you're not grateful
enough. Really, if you don't have patience, the secret is you're not grateful to ally enough. You
open up the fridge there's 10 different kinds of soda. You say where's the orange juice? God I told
you to get it you
		

			You're not grateful enough for what you have in front of you. We have to learn to be grateful. We
have to teach our children gratitude, we have to teach them to be grateful for what Allah has given
them. We have to make them children that are used to giving, not getting, we're making them
consumers. We're making him zombies. Get me this get me that get me this get me that. If they're
like this, when they're children, what are they going to be like when they're adults? How is it a
shock then that they're going to be fighting over the inheritance when they get older. When they're
like this, you you take them to Toys R Us yourself. So they can cry a bottle, the $2 million worth
		

			of merchandise that you still left behind after you left the store. Right? We're doing that to our
own children. We have to get our act together. These are not high, high and holy things. These are
basics that form the foundation of healthy relationships. Let's educate each other about them. Let's
make a serious commitment to raise right the right kind of family. Let's fix ourselves. Let's spend
time with our family together. Let's make that our first priority. Well, lucky if the family is
good, the community is okay. And all the problems you see in the community, you know, they're not
community problems, they start with family problems. Let's fix those. fix those first. May Allah
		

			make us of those who are able to save themselves and their families from the Hellfire May Allah make
us of those who are able to be patient, the most patient with their own family may be the most
merciful to their own family the most forgiving to their own family. And may Allah make us of those
who are able to reconnect the bonds that have been cut because of fighting in disputes and arguments
may be maybe become those who make the call back and say, You know what, no more silence. I'm going
to call my dad back. So what if we had a fight six months ago, I'll call him back today after this
conference. At least that's one promise I make to Allah. I will reconnect those relationships. I
		

			will go apologize to my wife for what I said. I will go apologize to my husband for what I did. I
will I will fix myself now because this is what I owe to allows origin. May Allah make us of those
people realize, oh, forgive our shortcomings. barakallahu li walakum wa salaamu alaykum
warahmatullahi wabarakatuh