Naima B. Robert – Why Muslims are Struggling to Get Married Baba Ali (Half Our Deen) @realbabaali TMC2 E1
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The importance of men's feminine energy for protecting others and avoiding domestic violence is emphasized. The pressure on words like "your" and "your" to win and finding a partner is emphasized. Find a partner who is both a good person and a good mother is crucial to finding the right person. The use of dating apps for men is emphasized, and a promotion for a free trial is offered. A representative from a YouTube channel offers a free subscription to half Dean's website and encourages viewers to subscribe. A promotion for a free trial and a promotion for a free trial is also offered.
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Bismillah wa salatu salam ala Rasulillah Salam aleikum, everyone
welcome to another episode of the marriage conversation with your
sister name be Robert I literally cannot wait to dive into today's
interview because I have really what can we say a family favorite
here mashallah Baba Ali have so you know have so much fame so many
different avenues that we know of him Masha Allah but even though he
was extremely popular as a YouTuber, as a creator of
children's, you know comedy of comedy, a comedy itself and an
actor, I think you're a producer as well. But you're here as the
founder of half Dean or half your dean, you may have heard it, Baba
Ali, welcome to the show. So I'm welcome. How are you? And
hamdulillah I'm really excited to just dive into this. This topic
with you mashallah, but hold on, because many people may or may not
know about half deen or half of your deen they may have half our
deen. Exactly. So there may be familiar with you for lots of
other reasons. So tell me what are your credentials for being on the
marriage conversation? Tell the pleasant X Excellent question. So
for many people, as you just mentioned, they know me from the
kids videos, or you probably for doing 15 years of stand up comedy
or you know him for Oh, he did the YouTube videos right? Wait, wait,
if you actually go way back, the whole name Bob Alec came from the
guy who designed board games, I sold games and they sold all
around the world and 100 I sold out of every game that I've
produced mass produce. So 100 was a successful board game person
successful Sam comedian for 15 years, successful YouTube videos,
first person to video blogs, on YouTube, all these different
things. So all those different projects that I went through the
one that is what I'm most passionate about. And you'll see
me talk more about on any type of social media platform is half Dean
that is helping people get married many many years ago, I was that
same person of those people who are watching right now they're
single and struggling to find your behalf I was that person I have
coming from a family that are not practicing any type of religion,
let alone Islam. 100% secular in fact, so secular is have idols,
yes, idols around my neck. And my parents said, that's fine. You can
worship whatever you want, as long as you get good grades in school.
That's how secular my parents were, worship even another stone
if you want, get good grades, that's how secular and nobody even
bad Muslims, they don't do that. Like there's a there's a line you
don't cross like, Oh, you want your shirt, no problem. It's all
your doctor, he was pretty sure that you want. So long story
short, when I accepted Islam, I went through a very difficult
process of like trying to like learn about to Islam, no culture.
At the same time when I want to get married. I can go to my
parents obviously, couldn't go to my friends as much as many of us
love our friends. They're not the best matchmakers like oh, why
would you think I'll be interested in him? And, and then, and then
you go to your local Muslim community, there's not much going
on. So all these different things that happens, you finally find
yourself into a situation where you're thinking to yourself, what
else can I do? And in 2001, I did the unthinkable. I joined web a
website, I wasn't sure which website worked. So I joined all of
them. Yes, all of them. And I was very specific of what I was
looking for. Very specific, because I don't want to talk to
you 10 Sisters, that's not an attractive idea. For me. I don't
talk to especially many sisters right now. They don't wanna talk
to 10 brothers that they don't match with. They don't talk to a
bunch of people. They're not compatible with waste their time,
I was the same idea. I don't talk to 10 people, I don't talk to five
people. I don't even want to talk to two sisters. I just want to
talk to one. Now, where am I going to find this one sister? Well, I
don't know which website she's on. So might as well go to all of
them. And but be very, very, very specific on what I'm looking for.
I put it in my profile. And I say okay, if one sister response,
that'd be a big deal. Because I don't think anyone's gonna
respond. Maybe 17 sisters responded when 17 sisters
responded, I knew something was wrong. Because a this is not a
handsome guy. I have a gap between my teeth. So I'm like, Okay,
there's something off here. There's no way 17 sisters falls
for this guy. There's something off. I don't have a job. I have a
car that my engine fell out. Yes, my engine for that one I was
driving it. So I'm like, there must be something else there
either. Tell me what I want to hear. And maybe there's one of
them. That's telling me the truth. So I came up with my own system,
that I came up with that to separate those who are telling me
the truth versus the ones who tell me what I want to hear many
sisters who are listening to this right now, many of you are
wondering like, how did you do that? Because I'm talking to
somebody and I can't tell if you're the right person or not. So
my system was to come up with questions that didn't have right
or wrong answers. And they sent it to all 17 Sisters, only one of
them answered correctly. And she happened to live in were in
London, and I live in Los Angeles. So like we luckily she lives all
the way across the world. I was expecting to live in California
and that will be so much easier. And what background she Oh she's
born in Kenya. But you're born in Iran and that's don't really mix
either to a different ethnicities to different skin colors to
different backgrounds to different everything.
But maybe she's my other half. Maybe Allah subhanaw taala when
you meet us in Paris doesn't mean that your pair looks exactly like
you or comes from same city or live in the same background. So I
said, let me go learn more and more and more. So as I learn more
about it, I said, I just need to go meet her. And I met her. And
after 20 minutes of seeing her for the first time, in 2001, I took
out my camera, and I wasn't planning to take out my camera. I
was just nervous. I didn't know what else to do. I brought a
camera with me to the UK. So I said, Listen, I'm gonna go meet
the sister that I've been talking to online, and we talked on the
phone, and then we finally meet her. And if things don't work out
at least I take a nice trip to the UK show my friends Well, London
looks like but my camera with me and I'm sitting in for those who
are familiar with London Hyde Park. She's sitting on a bench I
have nice social distancing gap way before the Coronavirus even
existed, and there's a huge distance between us. And what
happens is I am speaking to her while she's sitting down. I'm
standing it looks like awkwardness. But everyone non
Muslim in a crowded Park, for those who are familiar with Hyde
Park is very, very busy. So we don't not alone. And we're talking
and after 20 minutes, I knew she was the one. So I took out my
camera and she's like, she was so nervous. She's like, why do you
what are you doing? I said, just in case this works out. One day,
we might have kids. And those kids are going to ask how did you meet
mama? I want to record this. From that moment. today. We got
married, which was nine days later, we didn't plan to get
married. We just meant to meet each other. I recorded a
documentary, a two hour documentary which I gave her five
years after marriage. And you know, my wife said when she got to
document you, which had a DVD cover had the whole thing.
Everything from A to Z it looked like a professional movie. She
said Yeah, watch it later. What do you want for dinner? Oh, that's my
wife. So my wife is Super Down to Earth. It's hard for us in the
world to impress. And that's who grounds me hamdulillah all this
excess. You see all the stuff you just mentioned as my intro about
the this Baba Ali Baba Ali, none of the baba Ali exists without my
wife. every successful man has a foundation. And that foundation is
his wife, every man who grows up with with a certain type of
emotional intelligence is because of his good mother and the balance
of mother and father. We don't have these things in our society
today, because we're missing those things. So what I had a
Hamdulillah that people don't understand, they think give me all
the credit. No, without my wife, there is no credit. And this is
why the foundation of these sisters and brothers having good a
good wife will build this husband stronger and stronger. And this
provider, this protector will go above and beyond to make her
happy. This whole idea that we're competing with each other and we
everyone's the same, no, we're not the same. We're different. Each
one brings a different value, a different value, a different role
into the marriage, that together is very, very valuable. But with
each trying to play the same role. It doesn't work. Just one the
faster. Yeah, it is and we're definitely going to go into roles
in Charlotte because it's like the hot.
Okay, but it's credential. So okay. Okay, tell us the
credentials. And then I need to find out what was that one testing
question that everybody else answered wrong. I shouldn't have
said correctly. What was the question? So the question, I'll
get to the answer both answers here. Number one, we're running a
matrimonial website for 12 years, over 2600 people I've found over
half using my project. It is not just a wishy washy project, it
actually works. So when everyone's has tried all the others, swiping
apps and dating this and dating that after you're done with all
that nonsense, and you're ready to really get married. You try half
the like, Oh, now I found my other half. Okay, that's number one.
Number two, I've been married for 20 years. My first success story
is still married today. And many of the people who have been part
of that half our deen working for half our deen have been part have
been found the other half of using half our deen the other half our
deen process. So not only does it work, but it helps our employees
do it. What does that ever happen? Right? You know how often what is
the percentage that you get when you go to our events? Many of you
have been to like the speed dating events and come back with horror
stories. You know what our success rate is my last event which
happened last Saturday, we had 21 matches the event we did in
December, which was two events ago, we had 61% of every of the
attendees I found that found a match at the event. What was the
last time you went to an event and 61% of the people found a match.
This is why in our last event, 13 pm user 13 people flew in from 13
Different states or traveled from 13 different states. For those who
are in the UK. That is someone like someone's coming in from
Belgium, someone coming in from Switzerland. So we're coming in
from Spain, London, mad, mad mad. It's like what does this person
come from Russia come from Romania, Romania. Yeah, all of
these different countries. We have some sort of someone actually
flying in from Morocco to come to a London event. We came to get
locals to drive. How do you get people to take flights and cross
the border? Every single event that we have people fly in or they
travel in oftentimes outside the country. So I'm doing things
differently and I haven't I don't have to be Mr.
In professional, whatever all you have to do is look at the track
record. See how many people are actually getting married and how
it's working for those who even is skeptical? Just try and see what
did what visually just see the differences. The difference
between a and b. Anyways, back to your question. What question that
I asked them, my wife answered correctly that all 16 other girls
answered correctly. That was question number 19. That's one of
many questions you answered correctly. This is just one of
them. Not just a deciding factor. But question number 19? Would you
rather be independent? Or would you rather be taken care of my
wife was the only one who chosen taking care of
me, you're a traditional man, why? Why oil, my wife, I want a sister
to not to be stressed when I come home, I rather work 234 jobs, so
she doesn't have the stress of one.
I want to come home and spoil my wife and make her feel like the
queen of the castle. That's because I have a very strong
instinct to provide a very strong instinct to protect. And I'm not a
dictator, because Oh, every man who's telling his wife, no, no, I
did not marry a sister say you need to stay home. I instead said,
Look, I'm looking for the sister who wants to stay home. I'm not
here to change you write if you want to have your career and work
that is fine. But you have to be tell me from upfront what you want
to do. Now, my wife does her own thing. She has stuff she does from
home and makes her income from home. All of that could be a
complete up to her. I don't ask her to give me the funds and stuff
like that. Because a lot of these brothers sisters are totally okay
with you doing your career? This is what they're doing. All right,
how much do you make again? Ooh, I like that. Okay, can you
keep that?
Oh, you're gonna resent that same man who's using you? And then you
feel like I'm working and working and working. And that same man.
Unfortunately, those modern men want you to go out there and work
your career, they expect you to be the housewife as well. Okay, this
is this is this, I'm so glad that you mentioned that. Because I
think that this is one of the big Machelle of our age, and maybe
something that we know, 20 years ago, I don't think it was as much
of a conversation as it is now. But this this issue of sisters,
not wanting to be dependent on a man, either because the family
encouraged them to get their own, you know, independence with a
financially or have a career or whatever, all because of the
society and because of the societal push for women to be
independent, and to be that strong, independent kind of, you
know, not stereotype but that strong, independent woman right?
So there's sisters who are you know, I think it's
I would hazard to say that the majority of sisters Now certainly
in the West who have certainly something inside them that tells
them it is better to be independent than to be dependent,
right? It's better to have your own than to accept a man to take
care of you or a man to look after you or to be have to depend on a
man what are your What are your thoughts on that? Okay, so let's
talk about independence. The word itself, what the word means to a
woman means different than a man. When a sister says a certain
thing, it means something completely different than when the
man interprets it. So women get advice from other women say, Oh,
you have to do this, you have to do it. And just because another
sister gives you advice doesn't mean that she understands how a
man thinks is her interpretation. Her view just similarly, there's a
lot of brothers who give very bad advice to other brothers who are
looking to get married. Many sisters know this, like, I'll give
you an example. Many brothers do not dress up to come to
matrimonial events to meet a sister, and many sisters are
confused why this brother is not dressed up? Why am I dressed nicer
than the person I'm speaking to? Is because men give poor advice to
other men saying that if you dress up for her, it makes you look
desperate. Yet I have never met one sister. Salafi or Sufi,
conservative or liberal who's ever said that if a man dresses up very
nicely to meet my parents or to meet me or to come to a
matrimonial event, I consider that desperate. But men give poor
advice to other men. And because this is how I was looking at it.
If a guy's dressed up who cares bro you're not marrying you're
you're not marrying a brother. We don't care what you think.
Understand how females think and sisters let me flip the script
when I tell brothers are completely shocked when you are
dressed up? Would they understand that as you being serious that
you're taking this seriously? Would you dress like this to go to
a job interview? Would you dress like this to meet the prime
minister of a country you wouldn't? So why is it suddenly
that I feel like I'm desperate? Are you desperate? Oh I don't need
this job. Just pretend I don't need this job. Of course. That's
not as nonsense. So this poor advice you're getting from friends
who happen to be single by the way? Why you this course? Of
course.
The sisters your gayness advice to say I'm strong independent. That's
fine. Your words have strong independent me explain to what the
sisters perspective but that means strong means I'm not a weak human
being. Independent Means I don't feel like I'm clinging to you. I
will do my part and contribute my part. This is what meant here. You
don't need me.
In other words, I don't need you
When a sister says I'm independent, I don't need you.
When Allah subhanaw taala is about we can always use independent as
much as we want. No one's independent. All human beings are
dependent some ways, am I the only one that is completely
independent? Is Allah subhanaw taala. He is independent from his
creation. So if we all stop worshipping Allah tomorrow makes
zero effect and Allah subhanaw taala, absolutely zero effect. It
only hurts us when we leave Islam, we have not heard a song we hurt
ourselves, right? So with all idea that I don't need anybody, but
really, if you really don't need anybody, why are you trying to get
married? If you're totally independent? Why are you looking
to get married? You don't need anybody. But the reality is all
this stuff is nonsense. We are interdependent on each other. A
man needs a woman, a woman needs a man. So I can even go as far as
argue that, if there's any one of them has to be more independent
than the other, I would argue the manner because why there's so few
men looking and there's so have such an abundance of sisters
looking. They're like, No, I'll find to be single. And why is
that? Why is that? What is going on? Because there surely was a
perception in the in the you know, in the community, that there is a
shortage of good quality brothers, and then very much in air quotes,
but you're saying that there is actually a difference between the
numbers of men looking and the numbers of women. Tell us more
about that. Inshallah. So, I have been trying to mention this. And
when I do, it's a backlash because sisters don't like the answer,
then I'll tell you the answer. So you may get some backlash from
your from your attend if your audio ring if
you can push it all on me because I'm used to being the scapegoat
anyways, I'm fine with it. I don't it doesn't bother. I'm married
hamdulillah I'm not looking for a second wife. I have my Khadija
Hamdulillah. I'm good. So I don't care how many sisters just like
this answers. Here it comes. It's not Bollywood is not that
nonsense. They keep trying to tell you oh, this is a reason, though.
The reason why they are doing this, and this is when I get
brothers by themselves and brothers about to do this right
now. When I'm about to say they're gonna do this, there is a lack of
sisters with feminine energy. So men naturally are not attracted to
people who have masculine energy. Otherwise, there'll be a different
issue we were having right now. So men are like, you know, I rather
be single than marry a sister with masculine energy. The second issue
is that a lot of sisters don't understand what feminine energy
is, that itself is problematic. If I have to explain to a woman how
to be feminine, that is like a woman having to explain to me
what, how to be a man. That shouldn't not be the case. I can
tell you countless conversations of countless. So I wish I got one
pound or $1 for each sister who's come asked me, Can you show me
what femininity is? Are you you're a woman like you should have it
naturally in you? What the fact that you want me to explain to
each person what femininity is, that is just weird. I'm a man.
Like, I don't know that it doesn't. It's not built into me.
It's built into you. And I can give examples for those audience
who are listening, because I'm sure there's people in the
audience. Can you explain? I'll almost guarantee you. And once I
explained like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. feminine energy is
the ability and women have this of taking something and making it
beautiful.
themselves. Any type of materialistic object anything. A
man can build a house, a woman can make their house into a home.
There's a big difference between a house and a home. Only a woman can
make into a home. You walk into a Hammertime sisters have you walked
into a place and you're like, This person is definitely married.
Because of this law, they definitely single or you can't
walk it like this guy is definitely single. So how do you
know look at what he has toilet paper sitting over there at the
dining table because of using his as a tissue.
Man think of logic, productivity, efficiency women think okay,
that's not appropriate. That's not cute. What kind of what are you
doing? What will you
men do things? Like I have a weight set downstairs? And my wife
put a plant on top of my weight set. Oh, yeah, exactly. See, the
girls will take something like this look so manly with these iron
things. And she put a plant on it. And actually the whole place looks
cute. Chic knows how to beautify things. This is more of the
feminine quality that we men don't have. And when we wouldn't have
this by the way, it's so attractive. We have literally no
answer. Those sisters who are married, they use their feminine
energy. You guys can get whatever you want. But the feminists don't
tell you that. They teach you to have masculine energy. This is how
you will compete in the men world. No, no sisters, this is not how
you compete because we men are used to dealing with masculine,
masculine energy all day long. We've competed with other men who
have masculine Do we know how to deal with that? We have absolutely
no answer to feminine energy. My wife has learned this very, very
well. If I argue with my wife, and we have a dispute and we're not
talking to each other, which happens, what happens my wife says
three words by saying those three words
My argument is completely done. I'm useless. I have not used this
I'm helpless, I have no answer for and those words Sisters is not I
love you. Because that's what you want to hear again, from the
feminine perspective. A man wants to hear what I need you. When a
man is felt like he is needed, he will go above and beyond to make
you happy. Many sisters say Oh, I know how to make my wife, my
husband feel amazing. I will say I love you. I love you does not have
the same impact on him that it does with you. Let me teach you on
three words to say to and by the way, my daughter will Allah he
will law he, from childhood to now says these three words. I don't
remember. Maybe once in the last five years or four years, she says
the word I love you to me. My daughter says I appreciate you.
When she says I appreciate you, I melt. Because I want to go above
and beyond to do everything I can to make her happy. Same thing with
my wife says that I go above and beyond to make them happy. So
whatever I'm doing, I do timestamp. I love you. It's nice
to hear. But it does not have the same impact on the man. So men
need to feel appreciated. They need to feel needed. And when they
do feel appreciated, they will try to do everything I can to tell you
all this nagging that you're doing to try to get your husband to do
this. He's not listening. He's not listening. I can't I don't 10
times this. It doesn't work. Because you're wondering, that's
what I would need. That pushes what I would need to get stuff
done. But you're thinking from a female's perspective. I'm showing
you how to do it through a male's perspective, understand how men
are motivated. Because once you understand how to motivate a man,
you can get whatever you want. Use your feminine energy a lot. 14 we
don't have too many sisters that know how to use a skill set. Your
grandmother does. If you go sit with their show, like this is what
you if you're smart. You get a grandma didn't have to work. Yeah.
You know, Pamela, that story reminds me of an incident that
happened with my late husband. And I remember we were at his mother's
house. And his his mother was there and his aunts were there.
And I think they were making some food. And I had been helping and I
came to sit down at the table. And well, I think one of them called
me over to get him a plate, right. And there's a long time it goes
way, way, way back. But she called me to get him a play. And I kind
of teased him. And I was like well, you can get your own play Go
on. And he didn't say anything at the time. But I remember later on
it came up. And he said, you may think that those old ladies as old
women don't know anything, but they know how to make a man feel
respected.
I think you should pay attention. And I was like, oh, okay, you're
trying to tell me so.
I think I think, you know, when you talk about you know,
femininity and feminine energy, I think that there is definitely
it's almost like a lost art tuning into that. Because I do believe
that through the school system. Through the society in general,
women are raised, we are now raised in our masculine, which is
the competitive the drive the push the winning the Achieving the
making, you know, pushing, pushing, pushing, and it's very,
very difficult to a understand that that's not the way to win.
Yes, in general. And then how to actually win, you know, as as a
woman and be able to kind of because feminine energy is is
leaning back is receiving, it's accepting, it's soft, it's
yielding. It's not the pushing that we learn all the time. Right.
So okay, so my question is, I think that's something would go,
you just hit a very good point, you, you know, you have to know
when to press that switch on. If you're running, if you're a
corporate, you work for your CEO, you're a CEO of a company, you
have 15 employees, you have to put your masculine energy because I
have to fire somebody who has kids, I have to do this I have to
do these things are not quote unquote, feminine energy, you have
to, but you have to know when to turn on and turn off the switch.
If you're an employee and you work for a company, you don't bring
your masculine energy. I'm gonna tell him what to do my employer
know, everything your male employer is telling you to do you
listen, it doesn't matter if all this and that it doesn't matter
you if he says I need to be here early, you get there early. If
it's I need you to do this project. Well, that's not part of
my job, you end up doing it. Where is the whole masculine energy and
feminine energy there, you're now receiving? And you're fully
accepting otherwise you can leave? Right? So we have no problem with
that. If a police officer stops you and asked you for
identification, are you receiving or getting you aren't you know,
you have to be acceptable you have to be submissive or whatever you
have. It's exactly that is exactly and you said the word he said the
trigger word Hamdulillah. I'm no longer triggered by this word. But
I know for a fact that there was a time when someone especially a
brother says the word submissive, what if like, How dare you and I
remember, I was I was chairing a conversation about the fic of
marriage and the brother
dared to say submissive, oh my god, the chat went mad. The chat
went crazy. This is what like, How dare this brother, you know, come
with this language. And you know, he's this and he's that and he's
that and you know, misogynist, and all of this stuff was being thrown
at him, right. And this is a problem, because as you said, in
our work environments, we understand what it means to submit
to authority. You know, when it comes to obeying rules, traffic
laws, you know, as you said, policemen, officers, whoever we
understand that means to submit to authority. But when it comes to
our husbands, even though Allah subhanaw taala has given them a
right over us, far more than our boss, the policeman, even the
ruler of the country, right? We can't take it anymore us we Muslim
women, we cannot take this anymore. What's going on? What if
you listen to your boss, can you enter any,
any gate of Jannah if
all of these people by the way, sisters who are listening, these
men that are in your life, these are tests by Allah subhanaw taala,
there is no coincidence, Allah subhanaw taala handpicked each
person in your life, to father, your brother, these the person you
married, there is no coincidence. Allah will never test you with
something you can pass and this person that you are being tested
with, and some that they put you so far, could be your ticket
agenda, and no matter how bad your situation is, is temporary. Now
with all that said, For the men who are listening, we are talking
about feminine energy and I was talking about masculine energy for
one second, when you do use your masculine energy, and the sisters
have no attractiveness. I don't care how many times the sisters
want you to be Oh show your emotions and your emotional I
don't care about all that nonsense. Men, women want
masculine men, they want men who are strong instinct to provide to
protect who and what is masculinity, ability to take on
more stress and she can I don't
know your business take care of business. Yes, learn to lead and
when you lead what is a good leader do a good leader puts the
people who are following him ahead of himself. Not a bad leader puts
himself uses his power and abuses it. So when I am the leader and I
am the leader and I have the final say in my house. Yes sisters, you
can get triggered if you like. But I have the final say in my house
with all this final say every single woman in my house listens
to me. Every single woman my mother listens to me. And she
lives three hours away from me everything I tell her she listens.
I tell my two daughters they listen, I tell my wife to listen
why. If you ask my wife will love me if you ask my wife and ask you
this question. I'm saying Wallahi after fast for three days if I'm
wrong here is that if you say has Ali has ever used his power for
his advantage against your disadvantage for you. She'll say I
don't always like his decisions. But she'll say every single time
we come first. Because of this, they know okay, this is our
leader. This he is sometimes gonna make decisions that we don't like,
but we know he has our best interests in mind, but he never
uses it the advantages for him in fact, I never come in in advantage
of these situations. For that same reason because of being a good
leader. masculine energy. My daughter is like, Bubba. How can
when you wake up for breakfast mama has this plate ready for you
and has fruit ready for you and juice ready for you? And she says
Ali Jun allergens. Ali My dearest How do you get mama to do all this
stuff for you? We don't even get a plate. We're okay the paper plates
are there if you want to get something for breakfast. You like
the king of the house? And now you're gonna tell my my word Yeah,
you don't say go make me something you've never have to tell them and
make me something I don't. So how does it work? I see when you treat
her like a queen. She wants to treat you like a king. I can't say
oh I expect this and I expect this I go above and beyond doing those
small things for my wife without her asking brothers. My wife
drives her car and she's low on gas if I see a low on gas without
her having to ask me go and put gas in the car go wash her car for
her. You know she has to take care of five things today take care of
three of those things. She will go above and beyond to pay you back
and when you when you invest love with your wife she never gives you
back the same love she always multiplies it and gives it back
this is from Vicki I was so so so cool mashallah for brothers and
sisters I hope that you guys are smash the like button and have
definitely subscribe to the channel and sha Allah because this
is gold what you're sharing right now, but I also want to kind of
push back a little bit okay on you know what you said about you know,
investing in your wife, you know, if you'd be treated like a queen,
she'll treat you like a king. Now. Exactly right. This is what I want
to say this is what I want to say I that's the idea ideal, right?
You can have your feminine energy and do the stuff and you try to do
your part and your husband doesn't know his part that doesn't
guarantee that either. Yeah, but none of this is going to happen
until we do we have control we have control over you right so we
have to do our part we can't we have to break this cycle the cycle
of oh, I'm not showing her him respect because he doesn't show me
love. Or I'm not gonna show her love because she's not showing me
respect.
Somebody has to break this loop. And once you break that loop, now
you open the door of possible solutions. So I can't control what
your husband does, or what your wife does, all I can tell you is
what you can do. And then you ask Allah subhanaw taala, to open
their hearts and open. But as long as you're in this loop that's
going around, that is going to change. Yeah, that's what I mean,
I have to do my part. Now, that also depends on the type of person
you're married. This is, because that's, that's the point that I
wanted to make is that you made your choice, you chose the woman
that was in line with your program with what you wanted, because you
wanted to be a provider, you wanted to be a leader, and you
wanted to make sure that your wife wasn't trying to do that, or
trying to kind of be involved in that and that she was basically
you guys were on the same page. So it sounds to me like the raw
materials were there for you to be on the same page and to have an
understanding of the roles within your relationship.
But you know, what happens if you are not choosing on that basis, or
as you're saying, brothers are struggling to find sisters who are
on that page. So I really want to kind of go back to that point that
you made about so many sisters being on the apps or on the
websites, looking? And so many brothers just opting out, then you
said that the reason for that? Is that the basically, the, it's not
worth it? Well, one of the reasons it's not worth it, you know,
because it's, this is not the kind of marriage that I want to see. Or
I want to have for myself, I'm not interested in that kind of woman,
or whatever the case may be. What are some of the other reasons why
there's so many more sisters looking than brothers? Well,
another reason there's many, the next reason is that if you go to
most western laws, they are in favor of sisters, not brothers. So
if a man, if 75% of all divorces are initiated by women, if they
have a college education, it jumps to 90%. So if men see these
numbers and say, Listen, even if I do everything, right, for whatever
reason, the issues emotional, she doesn't feel loved, she doesn't
feel happy, even though I feel like I'm doing my part, she can
initiate divorce, anytime she likes, when she initiates divorce,
she will have full custody of the children and then get a monthly
salary from me. And I have done nothing wrong. In fact, she can
have infidelity, get pregnant by a normal snowman, and still collect
money from me and take my children away from me, she can have drug
abuse, which you've had people here and in our people that I've
interacted with women dealing with a lot of really, really bad stuff,
including the exact example I just gave you, and all these negative
things, and they can take everything from you, everything
from you. So when you see your friends suffering from this, and
experiencing these type of things, and all the laws are set against
you, even if he did nothing wrong, he is now pushing you away from
marriage is what this institution is not an Islamic environment
we're living in. It's a non Muslim environment that says okay, women,
you have full rights men, you have very little. So, again, it's
already hard enough to get men to come and look to get married. So
what is the incentive for men to get married? You know, and then
the second, the third step, a lot of sisters said, Hey, I'm gonna
focus on my career. I'm gonna get married when I get older. That's
fine. So why do women want to get married, why I want companionship,
I want to feel loved. I need someone to take care of me. I need
a provider protector, bla, bla, bla bla. Men are not looking for a
protector, a provider, a good leader, they don't care about any
of that stuff. That's why when you come in and talk about your
education and your career, and you're like, Oh, why is he not
responding? He must be intimidated, blah, blah, blah,
blah, you don't understand. So what happens for men is like, we
don't look for that stuff. Men are attracted to three things they're
trying to beauty they're trying to use and attracted to fertility.
Those are the three things they want. Well, if you pass your fake
fine urine and friendly, is it feminine, feminine and friendly?
Yeah, yes. You tend to be less feminine and friendly when you get
to when you become more bitter, because the system is against you.
Because culturally Muslims are surrounding you, which made your
life 10 times harder to getting married this hard to be very happy
and open and be positive when all this negative energy is
surrounding you when you're around other people who happen to be
bitter and frustrated about the process as well. And by the way,
before everyone gets mad at me, I didn't create this process. I
didn't create the culture I'm not even cultural leaders my wife I
don't believe in all this nonsense to
to classify sisters out there this is a divorce sister. So she must
be something wrong. I don't believe in us stuff on half Dean
by the way, you can even your status doesn't show so if you
happen to be divorced, see, men can filter you out like most
websites they just press the filter button they never even see
you on half do they have to see it? I understand that there are
certain things that we do to filter people out and never even
give sisters a chance I do things that other people don't do like
most websites they'll put oh let's put a cute Pakistani couple
together. Oh let's put a cute SOCO Somali coupled together or put
whatever coupled together. I went out of the way to make sure I make
you look different. My main thing if you go to my Facebook for half
our deen is a mixed couple
I have a black sister and a white brother. I am trying to change the
way that you guys look at successful men. And that's a
successful marriage by one of our success stories. I am trying to
change all these things that we've come status quo to change it. I'm
trying to change the idea that divorce sisters are damaged. No,
that's something that just you just happen to experience. If
you're a driver, and you were hit by a car and you're in an
accident, are you suddenly a bad driver? Okay, that's how I view.
Okay, so okay, I want to push back on this, I want to push back on
this. And I'll tell you why. Because you mentioned about people
being on the apps and being out there looking and, and that not
being able to be fit feminine and friendly, because maybe they're
older, or they've had bad experiences. Now, I can only say
anecdotally, because I'm not behind the scenes of an app like
you are. But from hearing from brothers who are on the apps, the
report that I've had is that a lot of sisters who are under you know,
kind of have been married once or twice. A lot of them have had, as
far as they're concerned, traumatic situations have been
through, I remember one, one brother saying that, he put it to
something like 80. But he said, you said, you are one of only two
or three sisters that I've spoken to who has not experienced
domestic violence, right? Allahu Alem. This is what I was told. So
the what, what I, what I would hear is that when sisters are
doing their profiles, there's a lot of I don't want this, I don't
want that I'm not having that. I don't accept this, I don't want
that. I expect my husband to be X, Y, Zed, et cetera, et cetera, and
quite combative, right? Because they say I'm tired of the
nonsense, like, I'm not going to accept this and this and this
anymore. And while I understand that, I have to look at it from
the consumers point of view, I guess, the brothers? And it's
like, I don't know, what do you want to sign up for that? You
know, you sound like you've dealt with a lot, and you're still
carrying a lot. So how can you be, you know, in your feminine energy
in these conversations in these apps, when you're searching? How,
what does that look like? I'm saying so you know, Can you can
you? Yeah, so if you can't, and this is the problem that the
people bring their baggage with them. And it doesn't work. And
when men see your luggage, when you have this baggage, and you
say, Oh, he doesn't know you put it behind your back, we see right
through you, by the way, is crystal clear, is still tone that
you have is to add it to that you have as you said, Here's the list
of all this stuff. I don't want many of you when you were looking
to get married men and women. As soon as you're looking to get
married, you have this list of stuff you want sisters listed
about this big brothers, this is about this big, whatever the list
is you have a list. As soon as you get a divorce, this list has now
become this big. Why is this as big because it includes all the
stuff you still want in a husband or wife plus the top 20 things you
don't want, like, Where'd this come from? Well, after my ex, I
decided that these are things I can tolerate. But why did it take?
Why did it take a wedding and the car, two years of marriage and 100
pounds of emotional baggage that you're bringing with you to figure
out what you can't tolerate. So all of these things have been
seeing with how I kept building and building and building half our
game. So one of the things I did would have been is like, Hey,
we're the first and only website in the world, including non Muslim
websites, by the way, not Myers Briggs, not anybody else, not
eHarmony not matched. I can't forget the Muslim was Muslim was
or whatever. But the big ones, right? They don't even have it. We
have a tolerance test. What is it tolerance test, we find out what
you can and can't tolerate, to figure out which personality type
you're less likely to tolerate. So you can focus on the ones that you
can, because some of you don't figure it out until after you're
married. And just because you can't tolerate somebody doesn't
mean that person happens to be a bad person. If they were how does
the next person married them and they're happily married?
It just tells you that yes, he's attractive to both you and him at
one point. And now you realize I can't tolerate him but she or he
can, therefore, they're successfully married. And I'm
sitting here single wondering what I did wrong.
That's so so good. And mashallah about a color. I think, even the
idea of, you know, what you can tolerate because, you know, having
had these conversations, we've had lots of them now, Mashallah. And
preferring to speak to experienced married people who have been
through 1015 20 years and don't have as much of a rosy tint on
their glasses, but are a lot more pragmatic, a lot more practical, a
lot more real. And guess what? A lot more honest. And what we all
know, because hamdulillah was married to my late husband for 15
years. What we all know is that this this, this, this work, of
partnering of building together of building a family. It's not a
fairy tale. It's not like you said the Bollywood it's not the
Hollywood it's not the r&b songs. It's actually something a lot more
beautiful than that because you
No, it's it's so much deeper and so much more meaningful. But in
essence, you are accepting the humanity of the other person. And
you're accepting to love and respect them in their humanity,
which by its very nature is flawed. You know what I mean? And
it's it's an understanding that there is no perfect, you know,
there's no perfect person, oh, no perfect person, no perfect
husband, no perfect wife, that you're not perfect, you have
flaws. Whoever you marry is going to have flaws. That person is
probably going to tolerate a lot of stuff about you. Nothing wrong
with understanding that you are going to have to tolerate certain
things about that person to make it work. I don't know. What are
your thoughts on that? Yeah. 100%. So I have this marriage workshop
coming up this weekend here in California. And I teach all these
things. So one of the axes we have is a tolerance activity. So I show
a lot of negative words about 28 of them, like really bad stuff,
heartless, or cold, unforgiving, people on sociable pushover
cowardly or judgmental, bossy, controlling, and say, look at all
these really, really negative word.
Can you choose seven of the worst that you cannot tolerate? A
spouse? I can't tell you any. I don't want any of these. Yeah, but
what is the seven worst of these 28. They choose him. As soon as
they finish choosing seven, then I give him the harder test. Now I
need to choose seven that you can tolerate. Like whoa, what? Yeah,
show me the seven that you can tolerate that if your spouse, your
husband or wife in the future happens to be any of these types
of things. You won't get a divorce, be honest with yourself.
And now for the first time in their life, someone's asking them
to do something of the opposite of say, Hey, tell me what you're
wanting a husband and wife because that's not how the whole thing
works, right? It's not what you're just what you're attracted to, is
what you can tolerate, attraction will get you married, tolerate
will keep you married. So now I'm trying to do is say, hey, take a
look at all these different things and choose and now they're
choosing the very fact that's taking so much time for them to
choose tells me that they'd never ask themselves these questions
before. And they're thinking and then think about it. And another
thing as well. I love that exercise. I think that must be so
so really earth shattering for a lot of people. But another thing
that's interesting as well is all those negative traits that you
mentioned.
If you just flip it around, there is a positive trait that goes with
that negative trait a long time I'm just thinking of the word
pushover. For example, right? Now, pushover is one side of the coin.
Nobody really wants their husband or their maybe wife whatever to be
a pushover. But the other side of the pushover is that they're very
laid back a lot of the time, the very last flat variable flex,
thank you. Okay, so even our perception of those negative
traits, you know, if I, if we start labeling our spouses who may
be laid back, who may be, you know, relaxed or flexible, or any
of these things, we start labeling them with those negative traits,
instead of the flip side of that, and appreciating the flip side of
that, you know, even married people can end up telling
themselves a story about their spouse that leads them to develop
hatred for the spouse and contempt, you know, oh, he's such
as this, or she's such that Oh, he's so this thing is Pamela, I
don't know whether this happens with men as well. I don't know.
Maybe you can tell me but certainly with women, I've
experienced it myself. It's with women that I've coached friends,
we, we hold on to an idea, we get an idea. My husband doesn't care
about me, or my husband doesn't support my dreams. Let's let's use
that one. My husband doesn't support my dreams, right. And the
our evidence for that is, maybe you wanted to go for a weekend
training out of town. And you told him about it. And he was like, to
be honest, I don't think that's really going to work because I've
had a full week of work. And you know, this week, and I really
needed to do X Y Zed, I won't be able to stay with the kids. So I
think you're gonna have to take a raincheck on that. Huh? Huh? The
story I'm telling myself is Oh, I see. So it's okay for you to be
working XY Hola. Hola. Hola. But when I want to do something you
can't even do did it. And even if none of these words are actually
said, it doesn't become a fight. This is the conversation in my
head. And now when I have that thought, I'm thinking of all the
other times that the same thing happened or something that can be
interpreted to give more evidence to that, that meaning that I've
given it right, which is that he doesn't support me doesn't support
my dreams. And then we start to spiral until we get to a stage
where that is the truth. Yeah, wow, this guy really does not
think anything of me thinks I'm here just to look after these
kids. And he thinks that I've got nothing more to give to the world.
And all of this is happening in here. And of course, it impacts
the way you look at your spouse.
because now the story is that the story you're telling yourself is
that this is your adversary, he is your enemy. He's not your
supporter. He doesn't appreciate you. He doesn't see you. He
doesn't love you and all of this stuff. And of course, it then
comes out in your actions. But I don't just happen to men, or is
this a woman thing? It does, okay. Well, it does in a different way.
So the way that we men view the world is like when we see like,
like, I've asked this question many times, I have yet to have
one. So so to agree to this to my little proposal. I said, if we
flip the script for one moment, and we say sisters, how about you
get the final saying in any relationship? In your marriage,
you get the final final say. So if there's a disagreement between you
and your husband, just like the husband has to listen to you and
hear your feedback, you would have to listen to his feedback and his
thoughts, what he thinks. And then after the very end, you make the
final decision. Would you like that? Yeah, I would love that.
Fantastic. All right. Let me just tell you one little caveat to
that. We met first of all, don't have this option. No, Allah
Subhanallah has never asked us men. Would you like this option
not to be the final have the final say? Would you like to be the
leader? No, you are the leader period, you have the final say
period. And the little caveat, I'm telling you, you will be
accountable on the day judgment period, for every single decision
that you're making that I gave you power over your wife and your
family and your kids, you will be held accountable your kids zero
accountability, your wife, zero accountability. So if men have the
option, sisters, and you like this proposal, take this final say and
on the Day of Judgment, when you stand in front of Allah subhanaw
taala, and you are being accountable. Your husband's like,
here you go, you're responsible for all of the final decisions.
I'm responsible for nothing. And Allah subhanaw says, tells your
husband, he can leave, you will be standing here and you will be
punished or rewarded based on the final decision for every single
decision that you've made in the entire 20 3040 years of marriage.
Would you like that extra accountability? I mean, you maybe
need some extra accountability on the judgment. I've yet to meet
once this year says y'all take that extra accountability for the
final source? It's obvious so. So choice because where are we
nowadays, when we look at, you know, authority, we see authority
in terms of power, not responsibility, right? It's the
power to, to control things to make things go the way that you
want to have your way it's a power thing, right? But what you're
offering them is okay, you want the power. Oh, but you know what
spider man said, or uncle whoever's name? Can I?
What is no, no, what's the uncle's name was? Uncle. I forgot who
died. Allahu Akbar, Spider Man's uncle who tells him with our great
responsibility. What you're offering them or us is the
responsibility that goes with the power? And of course, nobody wants
that. No, yeah. And I say no to that. Yeah, are we flip the script
is the example you gave the man who has to go out and work and
come back. This is all you when you can go out work. But when I
want to go, you know what, let's flip the script for a second.
Let's say sisters, you guys work full time, we'll stay home, finish
something, when you get home, we'll do the exact same thing
you're doing, you will work full time, whenever you come back home,
we will take half of your money, if not more, we have access to
everything, you have access to zero. So if I do software
development, money, whatever on the side, I keep all that for
myself. You pay for the bills, you pay for this, you pay for this,
you pay for that you do everything. And then one day, I'm
like, Well, I want to go on a site trip to do some computer
programming, self development something. And I know, I want to
just let you know if it's okay for me to go and do this. I'll be gone
for the weekend. And he's like, Well, I'm while the work that I'm
doing. As a female, you'll say we're doing for you for the whole
family. You want to go on leave for two or three days that
benefits you at my expense. I have other stuff that's going on this
specific weekend, this weekend on the best time. And I said, Well I
resent you for that just flipped us differently. Here in trouble.
Now. You're in trouble. You, You're in trouble now. Exactly. So
it's kind of like you have to put yourself in this we were talking
about earlier, put yourself in the other person's shoes. Now I know
sometimes you're listening to this conversation like well, I have the
exception, my husband, and you're staring. We're not talking about
the exception we're talking about in generality. These are the type
of things we have to do is put ourselves in a situation in the
foot in the shoes of our wife, or a husband basically in our spouse
and try to understand where they're coming from. Right. So the
husband, your wife is saying, Hey, can I go for the weekend? She's
not thinking about, Oh, what you're going through, or what your
responsibilities for you is like, Well, my wife says, I'm gonna go
visit my family in London. I'm like, Well, what about the kids?
Like, I'm going to work? You know, I you have to think about the
other side of it. Like if you can figure out what's going to happen
for the kids and who's gonna take that I can't just take a month off
of work, because you want to go visit your sister. Right? It's for
us easy to do, right? If you were working and I said look, I'm going
to go visit my brother. We're gonna go watch we're gonna go
skiing together. You got to figure something solution out. That's not
fair for my wife either. Is being considerate of the other person
and try to understand you the best you can obviously, that's where I
think sometimes we're missing that piece of
So let me get to the third thing that you because you asked me just
first to give you of the negative of why so hard for men, right. The
third thing is the bar is raised so high that it's not realistic.
So a lot of people sisters that are looking at these magazine
covers AC Wow, she's so beautiful. And her skin is so perfect. And
now you're on Instagram. And you look at why how she skin is so
perfect. She doesn't have any blemishes, you have nothing. But
you don't realize there's this filter, this filter, this filter,
the magazines have Photoshop, Photoshop, Photoshop, Photoshop,
and now your app is all of these 1000s of different apps that make
her look something completely then when she does not look. So all of
you guys are chasing something that doesn't exist. So now for
that to marriage. When you're on social media, and you see the cute
couple, the cute Muslim couple, the husband and wife are sitting
next to each other, and
then everything Yeah, your honey bunny, we have our inside jokes.
And this is how we're perfect with each other. You watch them when
that camera turns off.
They're fighting, they're arguing they're doing, they don't show any
of the negative sides of their relationship, they only show the
positives, because realistically, this is as real as the sitcoms
that you watch as real as a reality TV show that you watch.
They're getting views, they're getting the smash on the Like
buttons, they're getting subscribers, and they're getting
paid by you, by you viewing them, nobody wants to watch the cute
couple of major arguments unless you like to drama, they realize
that we need to show ourselves as a perfect couple. And that's what
you're they're selling. So what you're going to do is you start
comparing yourself to these people on Instagram, and these people on
YouTube, and that life does not exist, every single couple fights.
Every single couple has disagreements, every single couple
does not see eye to eye and you are being fed a false world of
felt false life, that something you're chasing a unicorn that does
not exist, just like those perfect girls in those magazines, your
skin will never I don't care how much makeup and how much creams
that you put on it, you will never be perfect because they're not
perfect. That same girl, if you see a real life, she doesn't look
like that. Because in real life, she has no filters, she has no
Photoshop, she has none of that nonsense. So just as you came to
the reality of this doesn't exist, you have to realize that this
marriages that they're trying to portray don't exist. Even the
Prophet SAW was salam, the man who has the highest level of Jannah,
who had the married to the Mother of the Believers, he had his
disagreements with his wife,
with at one point with all of them that he's like, I'm gonna leave
everybody for 30 days. When was your husband leave you for 30
days? Right? So you have to ask yourself, like how this is the
greatest man to walk on the planet with the best of character married
to the best women. And they have their disagreements at times. So
this is the this the challenge we have some times and this is the
the thing that we kind of forget. We're chasing something that
doesn't exist. So some of us are married. And we're like, wow, why
is everybody having like a perfect marriage? Except for me? What's
wrong with this? And what happens is they're not showing you the
negative side. I want you guys to here's like a good exercise to
think to yourself for one moment. When was the last time? Okay,
well, you saw this couple. And it surprised you that they are the in
divorce. The very fact that some of us are oftentimes surprised
that x and y are getting divorce tells us there's a lot more
happening behind closed doors than what appears in front of us. And
marriages are like this. We've got the each couple like why is
everyone's marriage so perfect, except for ours. Because me and my
husband and me and my wife are always fighting and disagreeing.
The reality is they don't show the negative side. And this is why
everyone's oftentimes surprised when a divorce happens. Okay, this
is the reality. So don't rush to divorce. Thinking that if I throw
in my iPhoto away my iPhone six iPhone 30 is going to come in my
pocket doesn't work that way. You guys are throwing away because
you're not going to upgrade go downgrade from the iPhone six, the
iPhone one you want to upgrade. But you don't realize that just
because I throw something away a marriage, oftentimes, somebody
else is not waiting for you. Nobody's waiting for you. The only
one that's waiting. Are the people looking to get married. It's
called the waiting list. And join it if you want to get divorced for
small things. Not infidelity, not abusive. I'm talking about those
small divorce is Oh, because I'm not happy right now. I agree well,
because he said this or she said that. Yeah, I agree with you, you
will join the waiting list like everybody else. And there's nobody
waiting for you guys. Nobody's coming to marry you guys in those
situations. And I'm bringing you the reality check. I'm a guy who
has been doing this marriage thing for 12 years. 1000s and 1000s of
1000s of people I've interacted with. A lot of people are living
the lala land that hey, as soon as I get divorced, because my
husband's not perfect. He doesn't have 13 checkboxes he only has 11
or my wife doesn't have everything. I'll have another
sister waiting for me. Good luck comes out my friends. There's
nobody waiting for you. Everyone who's looking to get married right
now go ask him how easy it is to get married. You'd be surprised
how challenging it is. All these married people who think the grass
is greener on the other side. You don't need you have a need to have
a roof
Your big wake up call, just talk to your single friends who are
looking and ask him how easy is the landscape? You'll be
surprised. It's the
it's the Wild West. That's what I always say, you know, it is like
the wild west out there. And it's not like it was 20 years ago. You
know, it's just it's nothing like that, as you said, you know,
there's the proliferation of apps and websites that give you the
illusion of choice, which I think is a big, muscular. I think the
the way that we're encouraged to kind of judge people on
appearances, it doesn't help, you know, because if a brother doesn't
take a good picture, swipe right, if he's not the typical look that
you go for. Swipe right, similarly with the sisters, right? I'm sure
that brothers do the same thing.
Right, and, and then then the, you know, this, the expectations that
we have the fact that so many people have not already been
through a marriage or two and may have children in tow. And so I
don't want to say baggage, but you're carrying stuff, right?
You're not just free single just like swinging your arms cool. And
like, Yeah, let's go, you know, you've been through some stuff,
and you're you we have some of that with you. It's like what the
brother Nasir says about check in baggage and carry on baggage. So
my point is that, you know, check in baggage is is cool, like we can
no check in baggage is the big stuff. And you want to have dealt
with that before you start looking. Check carry on baggage is
fine. It's like it's baggage that we kind of all have, you know,
it's not a problem for your spouse, your new husband or wife
to kind of help you carry that they can easily take it, put it up
under the seat, whatever it is.
But it's the it's the check in baggage that nobody wants to have
to deal with. Right? Because it's embarrassing, and it's intrusive.
Anyway.
So So that brings us to what you just mentioned the final point of
the fourth reasons why it's so hard. You've been reduced down to
a picture. See, when I was looking to get married, as messed up as
those websites were before, there's more icing, how can you
get worse, Oh, we found the way to the universe. We took your eye
color your hair, this back when I was going to get married, you
would put your eye color your hair color, your height, your weight,
your skin color. Unfortunately, many people still use skin color.
You're all these different things, your your your profile, data's
your bio data is like buying a used car. You what color what
model, what mileage? Like, that's not how you pick a wife. And back
then it was so messed up. Today, they removed all that stuff and
just reduced it down to your picture. So if you reduce you down
to just a picture and a one second decision, everyone knows that,
hey, I'm not getting clicked on. So I need to put more filters.
Here's a picture of me five years ago, here's a picture of me in the
perfect angle that doesn't show them 40 pounds overweight. Here's
a picture of me that does this. And this guy like this guy looks
like your son look like you is uh yeah, this is a picture about nine
years ago, like once. So obviously if some people are disappointed
with each other, because they've read these apps have reduced it
down to a picture. And what happened as Muslims we decided
this by the way, this is part of us. Problem is we copied non
Muslims, dating apps. A date for all those who are not familiar is
a three hour relationship. So relationship that's completely
temporary. No non Muslim will tell you this is a permanent
relationship. So somebody has designed for dating, a three hour
restaurant and a movie and you're finished. And whatever fitna
happens that night happens at night is no consequences required.
What happens is we Muslims decide no what let's just copy that. We
could have copied eHarmony we could copied match.com. We could
copy more matrimonial marriage minded apps. No, we decided to
copy Tinder, we change a T to an M or e ad must match to whatever the
situation is. We copied so much. There's lawsuits going against
people because he copied so much to this type of now we mustn't are
used to each people copying each other because unfortunately, you
know, there is no innovation when it comes to muscles, or apps or
websites all of the same. This looks like that most of them it
looks like this, all these people look the same. But that's why when
I said let me build half day, I'm gonna try but a completely
opposite, instead of just taking a male's perspective. And by the
way, all of these apps are designed by men, for men. It's not
a coincidence sisters that you've been reduced down to your age,
just your first name and your picture. Which gender do you think
will design that type of app? Because women, they don't say
okay, just show me his picture. Show me how old he is. And I'm
ready to get married men make a decision this quickly. Women don't
think that way. Women think far more deeper. You have questions?
What does he do? What is his personality? Like? Is he honest?
Is he sincere? Is he confident bla bla bla bla if all these other 100
other questions because for you is a major decision for men are like
hey, I just need five things and we're ready to go and so okay,
hold on, hold on. I'm not gonna rush into it like that. Right?
Most sisters have more questions to ask. So most people don't know
the vast majority of the people who work for half Hardeen all the
Muslims happen to except for one brother happened to be women. And
when I listen to sisters, I get there.
The back. And this is why it's a surprisingly, it's not surprised
that we have a 6040 ratio on females versus men, compared to
other websites, which are like almost 60 to 70% men to women. So
you're like, wait a second, how do these other swiping apps and look
it up, by the way, you can type in male female ratio, and the name of
a new
website you like must match, mentor, whatever you want to call
it, just type a male female ratio and put that in and watch how much
more men there are two women, then ask yourself the next question,
well, why there's so many men, but when I'm looking around in my
Muslim community, where all these men, because there's two types of
relationships, there is the temporary ones and the permanent
ones. When you attract, when you build a website designed for men
for temporary relationships, what's going to happen, you're
gonna attract those type of men. And this is why you some of you
come back and say, What's wrong, I keep coming across these men who
want this, and there's this and this and you want 5050? Yes,
because this was going to track you put a certain type of bait and
put it as official, you're going to catch a certain type of fish,
right? If you put a different type of bait, you won't catch that type
of fish or find other type of fish. That's what I said I need to
do but because my fish is more rare, which which fishermen
talking about the marriage minded Muslims, the Muslims who want to
be providers and protectors and this, they're not going to be
abundance, I'm not going to have majority of those people, I'm
going to have a very difficult time finding these people. But I
only want those people I don't want a million people. I didn't
just 1000s. And I just need a small fraction of people who are
serious because at the very end, you don't need millions either.
You just need one to marry. So the question is, how do I filter? And
this comes back to the initial question you asked before we speak
to all these people? What did you do to get 17? Doctor one is one
keyword filter. How do you filter now I use one method of many
methods that we use on caffeine. I use the question method, where I
ask questions, my deal breaker questions to filter down to the
sisters to the ones so I don't waste time with all the sisters, I
don't want to do go through the whole process. For every single
Sister, I'm gonna ask you some deal breaker questions. If you
answer them correctly, then I will spend my time with you. Most
sisters I communicate with they don't do this. So they waste a lot
of time with a lot of brothers only to find out that they're not
compatible. Sorry, that's partly your fault. Stop doing that have a
deal. Brexit deal breaker question. Now you're like, Okay,
how do I come up with deal breaker questions, make sure the questions
don't have right or wrong answers. So on half Dean, every single
profile, every single profile has five deal breaker questions,
people can type it up themselves, or they can choose from a database
of questions, whatever they like is or questions that you want
people to ask, for example, a question would be like, What do
you think the role of a wife is? Or would you be willing to
relocate to London? These are specific questions you not for the
website just specifically that you want people to answer, because it
tells you that are you looking for a second wife? Whatever the
situation is, would you marry someone older than you? Would you?
Would you? Would you all these type of questions. Okay, that's
number one. The second thing I said, as far as filtering, wait to
figure out life sisters, I mean, as I'm talking to females, you
realize personality matters, character matters. So let's figure
out a personality test. Just find out what they're attracted to.
Just because you're this personality doesn't mean you're
attracted to yourself. Just find out what you're trying to do, and
then do a tolerance test. So we made them do all that. Then we
said, interests with interest you have so we choose over 100
interests, including organizations. So are you more
into zaytuna? Or into more to ambigram? Are you married to
Boehner? Are you more dishonest? Based on the institution? We can
tell you? What mindset Are you into? Are you more into Yassa? Do
you have more to Hamza Yusuf? Because it's two very different
types of talks and mentality right? No matter the Father. So
so. So we find out that and then we find out of course, you're
interested like bike riding you like birds, you like whatever.
Then we go to the next section. And that is we deal breakers, we
got interests, we got this. The next section is priorities. A lot
of sisters are talking to a brother, and you don't know at the
beginning, if he wants children, if he doesn't want children, if
he's a neat person, is he a kind person? Does he this? Does he have
good manners? What is the most important thing to him? Is his
culture important to him? What's important? So we give a list of 10
things. And we asked you to prioritize using drag and drop
from the most important to least important. And then when you look
at each person's profile, it shows where you are similar and where
you are different. So for example, let's say does your sister who has
two children, you're in your mid 30s You don't want any more
children. So you put desire for children's number nine or number
10 Then you when you look into brothers profile, everything looks
great, his personality looks great. And you see desire for
children's number one for him. Then you're like oh, either this
is a no or or we should definitely to have a conversation so you know
what to talk about. Yeah, and then finally, quizzes. We ask 158
questions to people and we break them down to category from
religion to culture to finances, to gender relations like can men
or women be like this together? Can you like this get all kinds of
suits we go to parents to the way you want to raise children to even
food and desserts like what is an every person you click on it shows
your 20% match on lifestyle 44% match on religious views 88% match
on this
Only 2% match on this. And then you can click on the actual quiz,
you'll see exactly what you think like. And when you think
different, like she wants a pet and you don't be like, Okay, maybe
we should talk about this, what kind of pet you have is like a,
like a cat, or like a bird. And she says, No, a rattlesnake, like,
Okay, we definitely need to have a conversation about this. So what
are we talking about? So by seeing the differences of every single
person, and taking all this data, it calculates what your
compatibility is. And it predicts what will make you amazing
together, what type of challenges you have, and it predicts
chemistry, it tells you if you're a good match for them. And maybe
they're a bad match for you. Right? So it's just because you're
good for them doesn't mean they're good for you, and vice versa. How?
Via quizzes, how sorry? How do you predict chemistry in them? How
does. So we look at everything, we look at your location, you we look
at your first language, like if you if you're looking at your age
gap, so certain things will give you more points, some things give
you a gap. So I've had a 20 year age gap, you'll get negative
points for that. Because obviously, you're two parts of
your life. If you happen to be in the same location, you'll get
extra points for that, because you're culturally even though you
may be Pakistani, or Arab or Somali, if you're both raised in
London bay area or something, you're a mix of that culture. So
you have some commonalities versus if you happen to be in London, and
I happen to be in some other part of the world that we don't have
the same culture was if you're born in Morocco, and this person
is born in London, you're not raised necessarily with the same
culture as you're growing up. So there may be some negative points
for that. So you add a negative, positive, negative positive, we
look at your personality, we forgot. Are you the same
personality? Are you opposite personalities? What type of
personality? Have you shown us you can tolerate? What are you
attracted to? And what are they attracted to what they can
tolerate? All of this is calculated when we look at your
priorities and see how different that is calculated all 158
questions calculated. Here's the main thing sisters, most of you
men main complaint is how do I find brothers who are serious? Now
I asked you a question. Who is more serious? A person that I
asked Okay, well just give me a picture your first name and your
age, we're good to go literally a minute, or buy the unit to sit
down for 30 minutes and answer do all these quizzes, do all this
answer 158 questions, everything that is a far more serious person
to me than a person who spends a minute to do something because of
all this commitment that requiring for brothers a lot less brothers
will sign up but the ones I do get that is my first level of
filtering. So you know, so I want to ask you guys I was thinking to
myself, like I can imagine the saints charm and what why is this?
answer all these questions? What's this all about? Okay, so you ever
exactly what you're saying is as a male, I had to think to myself
this all this craziness will work only under one condition. I'd like
the brothers to buy in. So how do I get brothers to answer 150 A
question and for the sisters who are thinking to themselves well
this sounds like a good idea. I'm gonna send the brother I'm
speaking to 158 questions if you want to do that you can see how
fast you can run. Because if any sister and I'm a guy who did this
if any sister sent me 158 questions I can almost promise you
I will not take that sisters will not even speak to her sister
again. That's how the faster I'll give I will be in that
conversation. We are the wow well that's just the guy who did this.
I will not do it. I will not do it. So then why you're probably
wondering yourself, then how are you getting people to do it?
Everybody's wondering this. Okay, right now everybody wants to know
how to buy go I came up with two things in it work number one. I
convinced the brothers basically answer 158 questions one time, and
you'll never have to do it again. So all this repetitive stuff you
do over and over again with chit chat with every single sister tell
me about this. What do you want this data? You'll never ever do it
again. Imagine brothers who think with logic, okay, and productivity
efficiency. You do it once you never do it again, bro. like Dude,
where are the questions because I don't want to see all the sisters.
That's number one. Number two brothers. If you answer all 158
questions, do everything I'm telling you. You'll show up number
one in search results when you search when you sort by top
members. That's what people pay Google to do. When you do it on
our website for free. All you have to do is put in a time and you get
to show up first when sisters do a search and guess what? Those same
sisters want the brothers who are more serious to show up for us
anyways, so it's a win win for both sides. I don't have to
convince any sister not one to do these type of things because they
love that stuff. No we love it anyway we love
that Yeah, and you see the value of it men don't see the value of
it. They're like hey, what's the minimum that I have to do this is
why sisters when you go to profiles most profile say work and
just even a half our game i That's why I don't care about about you
and about my match because when you leave it to the person to do
it, they right will tell you later asked me look to my wife. I'm
looking for good Muslim. How many times how many sisters by the way.
We're listening right now have wrote this. I'm looking for an
honest Muslim Muslim who's good Muslim and who has a balance of
deen and duniya
moolah, blah, blah. You know what that means? You know, a balance of
deen and duniya means I think, I think it means basically like, you
are religious but you ain't broke.
Your religious and you pray, but she got mine. Okay. That's the
balance of Deena Subhanallah Yeah. Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar
hamdulillah it's been amazing. We had, you know, so many other
topics to cover, I hope that you'll come back again, Inshallah,
it's been a real, a real joy to just, you know, hear your thought
process. And, you know, hopefully, the brothers and the sisters,
they're used to us being very honest, on this channel, we don't
sugarcoat anything. So, I think that, you know, I don't expect a
backlash. I think mashallah sisters are very used to us all
being very honest. And the brothers as well, mashallah, so
what would you what would you like people to do? Is it possible to go
on half Dean, as somebody who's not based in the UK, sorry, in the
US? What's what's the what's the situation with that? Yes, have
things open for the whole world, we have a I like to be transparent
with everybody. So we don't have a large popular only about 11% of
our audiences from the UK. But just to some, about six months
ago, it was only 5%. So our numbers have pretty much doubled
in a very short amount of time. Another thing I'm trying to do is
I want to make this whole dating app nonsense go away. I know this
is attractive, especially for men. And I want as you said, we just
hit earlier, how do you get people to go this this more time way of
doing it the right way, even though it requires more time from
them? How do you have to build incentive, we can't just say haram
haram haram. Even though I don't agree with the dating apps, they
make it super easy. And just like the Haram things we have in our
lives access to our lives, those are very easy. And when we make
the Hello difficult, then it becomes challenging. Just like
some of our parents, they make the Hello difficult. So the Haram
access is so easy, it makes our struggle even more difficult. So
what I want to do something different is that I want to make
the hello as easy as possible. So if you're in the UK, and you're
looking to get married, I'm going to give you the entire membership
for free, no strings attached. So I will give you your half our deen
membership for free, no strings attached. Because I know you have
what you've heard in the past. It's a free website. As soon as
you join a website, you can message anyone you join a website
is only free for 10 days. I'm saying your entire year, there's
plenty of time for you guys to get married. And if you after one
year, then if you decide to stay, then maybe you start getting
charged after that. And even then we may try to change that. But
minimum of one year and many of you all you need is less than a
year to find somebody, right? Yes, no, there must be serious. And
yeah, then we'll make it happen within that year in sha Allah, but
either give yourself a chance. And here's the thing, if you're
already using the other websites, and they're not working, there's
no disadvantage of putting your profile on one more website
because you don't know where your other half is. As I said earlier,
I didn't know which website works I joined all of them. And it's
hard to join all of them when you have to pay for all of this. So
our website not only is it affordable, it's about 62 pounds
for the whole year, which is about five pounds a month, nobody gives
you that price, and it's unlimited access to everything and we don't
advertise or market stuff to you, we don't sell your data none of
that nonsense. Plus we're not even charging you you're getting it for
free. So it's like nearly 10 Because you're listening to Nyla
Roberts right here and you're listening today and you're the
right person the right time, you're getting the entire thing
for free no strings attached one year from now 2023 is when you
first start your membership so whatever plan you choose, you can
choose monthly quarterly and whatever you choose one year from
now if you cancel before then you don't get charged anything is if
you decide to stay after whatever so nobody will give you one year I
am giving you one year because I am trying to get you guys away
from this nonsense that's not how you guys gonna get married. I can
guarantee you you will find your hacker half again but it doesn't
hurt to take something for free and maybe use it at least maybe
your future half may join the website next month six months from
now nine months now as I said our numbers keep growing in the UK and
I want you guys and if you do find you're the half the way you can
repay me is just keep me in your doors and that was that we call it
consists of even no extra nothing else I don't want I don't want
donation I don't want nothing you here with me right now. I don't
want nothing if you find your other half and you use this entire
free year to do it just as as colossal Wanda for forgive me for
my shortcomings and that's it we consider us are balanced even
inshallah simple. Allah Subhan Allah Allahu Akbar. Guys, you've
heard it here. You heard it here first. Baba Ali is offering all of
you membership to his site. Half of your deen have already been so
half our deen Hey half Dean, I need to get that right.
Half Dean is offering you guys a whole year's subscription
membership for free to half dean.com No Strings Attached
No Strings Attached for nothing I think full access. It's open for
you. Now I know these my wonderful subscribers and the people who are
regular listeners to the marriage conversation. I'll see y'all in
the comments. I peep you. I know some of you are looking to get
married. I know some of you have been looking for a while for some
of you for a long time. You have no excuse now, go on to half
dean.com register for your account Inshallah, the more of you go and
you tell other people about it, the more British people we can
have on there, which means that the more chances that you'll find
somebody who is more or less local to you, so I'm just giving a big
shout out to Baba Ali for your generosity Baraka lofi May Allah
bless you it's wonderfully rewarding work and we can all see
your passion Masha Allah and just the heart you know that drives you
through this business may Allah bless it for you, you know,
multiple times over I think you were given the brothers and
sisters a lot to think about today and then you've also blessed them
with this wonderful gift. Mashallah, so we will link to that
in the comments in the in the description below. And we will
definitely be telling all our email and you know, Instagram and
everybody about this, to encourage as many people as possible to take
you up on your offer. But for now, could you just tell us socials is
it half dean.com? Is that where people need to go? And you can
message me on Instagram, I'll send you your link. I'll send you a
specific link for anyone who wants it just I respond. You can find me
as real Baba Ali on Instagram or you can message me on
on half our deen on Instagram. I answered all those emails
inshallah. Just say Hey, Bob Ali Alzheimer Roberts podcast I heard
you're giving her people one year free because and I love listening
to her stuff. So here's here's your reward for listening to her
work. This is another benefit of listening to someone mashallah
that tries to do things differently. And mashallah, she's
bringing different guests on her show and you never know what you
get when you listen to when the guests so today, you're at the
right place at the right time, and you get something absolutely free
630 62 pounds, everybody else will pay for you don't pay a dime
because you're today listening to her.
You stay to the end. So when you say today, you had no idea we're
giving something away. This came out. And yeah, I just want you
guys again, don't forget my deal. If you find your the half in the
first year, you will hopefully inshallah make dua for me. And if
it make sure you cancel within the year otherwise, in 2023 is when
you actually your official plan starts so I'm telling you to
cancel right unless you decide to say Hey, I like it, I talked to
one or two people it just didn't work out I want some more time on
it then it's completely up to you 2020 23 is plenty a year from now
to decide. But for now, I hope most of you will find somebody
within a year ensure you don't have this one's gonna be a
discussion so it's not a case of a 30 day trial and then start
charging us none of that nonsense full access you don't get like a
limited access and then you have to have a premium edition we try
to cross sell you more than enough you get full access like any other
person who's paying full for it to show love. I absolutely love it
but I love all the details, links etc will be in the description
guys make sure you take advantage of it all you singles out there.
You don't have an excuse anymore. Okay, so please go on to
abdeen.com take Baba Ali up on his offer Baba Ali Zakka O'Hara and
really for a wonderful interview discussion. So thought provoking
and really so real Mashallah. Hopefully this will not be the
last time that we see you on this platform that evening though, we
will see you again. But for now, may Allah bless you and your
family and all the work that you're doing. And we will see you
in Sharla on the other side, just like hello. Hi, Ron. Welcome some.
And all the rest of you guys, you wonderful people out there. Make
sure that you've liked the video that you subscribe to the channel
and you hit the notification bell. Leave your comments below what
were the light bulb moments for you? What were your biggest
takeaways from this conversation and make sure you share this with
somebody else who you care about. Until next time, this is your
sister Nyima be Robert signing out was Salam alaykum Warahmatullahi
Wabarakatuh.
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