Naima B. Robert – What Do You Bring to the Table Live Callin Show for Muslim Brothers and Sisters
AI: Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the importance of being open-minded and bringing their significant other to the table, as it is crucial to be a man and find a partner who is financially stable and ready to take on any responsibilities. They stress the need for respect and commitment in relationships, particularly for men who are married for five years or more. The importance of respect and engagement in marriage, particularly for those who are married for five years or more is emphasized. The sister is encouraged to attend a conference in London and is encouraged to leave a mark on their stream.
AI: Summary ©
said I want to go
Salam aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakato Yes, yes. Yes Ma sha
Allah it is it's a Friday night where they live how we're back at
it again guys we are here we are here. If you're watching live put
two Live Crew in the chat if you're watching on replay, put
replay gang in the chat Masha Allah we are gonna live here and
so the calls the phone call phones sold on Amazon. The French
speakers are in the house Masha Allah and who else have we got
here? Yes, yes, yes. We're here again Masha Allah welcome to all
my Oh geez. Nice to see you guys all here. We've got London in the
building. We've got Germany we've got what food we've got bath.
We've got India we've got copper spammer who says I am the table.
Okay, we've got sawed off from Germany. We've got the US
whereabouts in the US guys. The United States is a big place.
Okay, we've got some individuals who are private and they prefer
not to share their locations and that is fair enough. We've got
Virginia in the place we've got Canada in the building. We've got
Who else have we got? Yes, we've got our friend our French
speakers. We've got London in the house. Masha Allah Yeah, we've got
New York in the building. Excellent. Excellent. Excellent.
Excellent. And yes, we have some Spanish speakers too. It seems
mashallah but two Live Crew in the chat guys if you're here and if
you're watching on replay, put replay gang. Yes, tonight is going
to be a sha Allah a good show. We've got Sierra Leone in the
house. Mashallah, we've got Michigan, France. I love it. I
love it already. I love that people want to come in already,
but there are rules to this game. Okay, guys, okay, we're not here.
We're not having a complete free for all. Okay, there is a plan for
tonight. I'm waiting for my co host brother Nasir to jump on in
sha Allah. If anyone knows where he is, please do give him a shout
and tell him that we are waiting for him on the stream. So guys,
this is what we're doing. Okay. You know, the title, you saw the
title. Okay, so you're intrigued, you want to see what this is all
about? This is going to be very little of us talking tonight. It's
going to be a lot more of you guys talking. Okay, so I put the link
to join in the chat. Please use that to come on. Because we are
going to be inviting everyone to come on and answer two questions.
Okay. The first question is, what do you think you bring to the
table? And we're going to explain what that means. Right? And then
the second question is, what do you think, in your opinion, a
significant other should bring to the table? So there's two
questions I want you to think about inshallah. Okay, the one
what do you feel you bring to a relationship? And the second
question is, what do you feel your significant other should bring?
Alright, this is open. It's a brothers conversation. It's a
sisters conversation. It's for those who are married for those
who are yet to be married for those who have been married. Okay.
So the first one is a very honest answer. What do you feel that you
bring to the table? And the second is, what do you think your
significant other should bring to the table? What what do you want
to see in the other person? So if you're a brother, what should the
system bring to the table? If you're a sister, what should the
brother bring to the table? Okay, so I'm actually going to be
keeping notes. And we want to make this as scientific as possible.
Okay, so we're going to note down the qualities and characteristics
that people are mentioning, so that by the end of the show, we
can see which, which characteristics which traits keep
coming up, again and again, for the brothers and for the sisters
and for ourselves as individuals. Give me a yes in the chat, if that
makes sense. If that's clear, we've got people speaking German
in the chat now I see my sha Allah, but give me a yes in the
chat, if that makes sense. Because we're here. We're not here to even
though you know, it sounds like we're here to fight. We're not
here to fight. We're here in sha Allah to foster understanding, for
there to be a place where people can speak honestly, and in an open
way, knowing that, you know, we're a family here, Mashallah. And
where your view and your opinion can potentially be a source of
understanding for somebody else, right? We've got too many spaces
where men are talking amongst themselves and saying whatever
they're saying, and women talking amongst themselves and saying
whatever they're saying, and we're not listening to each other,
right. So
Pleased insha Allah Insha Allah, have your answers ready? Okay,
like I said, it's open to brothers and sisters, whether you've been
married, or whether you haven't. Okay, whether you're divorced or
you're looking again or you're looking for number four, whatever
the case may be, it is open okay for you to be able to answer
because I think everyone can answer that question to a certain
extent. What do you bring to the table? And what would you like to
see your spouse bringing to the table? Right? What would you what
do you expect from your significant other Now whoever went
and reached out to coach Nasser, brother Nasser in wherever you
reached out to him, Well done because he is here brother, NASA.
Are you ready to come on? Give me a thumbs up if you already in sha
Allah.
Yeah,
not so much. Well, it's too late. You gotta come on now in sha
Allah. Okay, so Bismillah let's do this. I salam Wa alaykum
how are you? Al hamdu? Lillahi Rabbil Alameen. We had to get the
party started. The people were like banging on the doors to be
let into the room. So we had to we had to get started. How are you
this week? hamdulillah Hamdulillah? How are you? An hamdu
Lillahi Rabbil Alameen. Before we jump in, everyone's already having
conversations about what they bring to the table and what they
would like their significant other to bring to the table. But I do
believe that we have an announcement, don't we? Do you
want to let the people know what they can look forward to next week
in Charlotte? Not next week or next month? We've got a very, very
special plan for you guys. Why don't you let the people know
Inshallah, what's going on next month?
You know, it's it's your home turf, so I will let you go first.
Okay, whenever I wanted to do that, I would have done that.
Alright, guys, so the reality is that your brother Nasir, and your
sister Sister Nyima have been invited to the UK.
And we will be doing a series of events in London in Sharla. And
you're all invited, okay? It is called the Muslim marriage
conference, workshop and dinner. And it's organized by Ken Hall
Masjid in East London. And the dates are Friday, the 25th of
June, November to Sunday, the 27th of November. Okay, so I'm going to
put this all in the description and in the chat. But we wanted you
guys to know, because obviously, most of you are regulars on Candid
Conversations. And we're basically going to be having a Candid
Conversations LIVE on Friday night for the dinner. And then on
Saturday, there's a conference with some amazing speakers, and
we're going to be speaking as well. And then on Sunday, we're
delivering workshops are the NASA why do you think that people
should come out?
So one, so they can, you know, address any concerns that they,
you know, have in person so that that way we can really have an
intimate conversation? I think sometimes it's it's a bit
challenging online. So that's one and two. I'm looking forward to
the workshops, right, because I think a lot of what we're talking
about needs that emotional work. And I know and my workshop, one of
the things that I'm really going to strive to do is give people the
foundations, right, the foundations to understanding how
to understand your thinking and how to understand your emotions,
right. So that way you get the the outcomes you're looking for.
Right? Especially, for example, the topic like we have tonight, in
terms of what do you bring to the table? Right, so how do you handle
if what you hear tonight, you don't really match? Right? If you
don't have some of the things that you're hearing brothers want, if
you don't have some of the things that sisters are saying that they
that they want, how are you going to handle that mentally and
emotionally? Right. So that takes a skill set? Right.
So instead of deflecting, instead of self doubt, and trashing self,
right, it's a matter of then looking at that, and having skills
to address it. So that's what that's what, that's what I want
everyone to come up so I give them some tools. You will walk away
from the conference with some tools. All right, it won't be
something just a conversation. Yeah. Especially the workshops,
guys. You're going to definitely see
definitely going to see us having conversations that haven't been
had before necessarily. I want to show you guys the website, I've
put the link in the chat. So I want to show it to you so that you
can all see for yourselves and it is right here. So you can have a
look here it's on Ken hall.org and share from what happened Majah
head Ali will be speaking at the conference Dr. Fozia Ahmed will be
speaking for
When I say that, I mean we'll be speaking and I'ma be Roberts and
they put an S on my name. They put an S on my name, they put an S on
my name.
Euston, we have a problem. hamdulillah so that means you know
what that means, right? There's gonna be two of me that
I don't think we can handle. Two of you. London is not ready for
that. I think what that means is tonight, you will choose violence.
Oh, islands tonight. Get it all out tonight. That way. The super
chats will be on fire. So yeah, choose violence. Okay. I have to
say this. Yeah. Thank you salute to whoever sent me purchase five
cups of coffee for me prior to becoming on so mashella. I thank
you. I appreciate you. Yeah, I got back in apologies for the delay,
get back in and I had a notification that someone
purchased a cup of coffee. Oh, is that how we're running things?
Yeah. Okay, so all of y'all who came in the room, and you are all
posting your locations and your alarm and everything? I didn't see
any super chats? I didn't see any super thanks. And I certainly did
not see a cup of coffee. So what is this? This is discrimination.
Now, what we favoring the brother over the system? What is this?
This is not equality? What's happening here?
Let's go through this, this poster, right? Because there's
some really interesting topics. This is the great thing, right? So
Friday is a dinner. It's kind of conversations with Brother Nasod.
And I live Okay, and we're going to be talking about the Muslim
marriage crisis. So expect the type of conversation that we
normally have on a weekly basis, but life is going to be so much
better in sha Allah. I've got a massive Banqueting Hall is going
to be so cool. We're going to have this conversation we'll take
audience comments and we'll have a great interactive experience like
we do online but in person so you definitely don't want to miss
that. And then the conference, masha Allah, check out the titles
of the topics, right? Post Andrew Tate, is it worth Muslim men
getting married?
Put a one in the chat. If you want to hear that conversation. Okay,
that conversation is going to be fine. Then. Another topic is
soulmates. Goals and other fairy tales, debunking modern marriage
myths. I'm sure you can guess who's presenting on that one. Then
there's also going to be a presentation by Dr. Fozia on the
British Muslim crisis report. So we're going to have some data for
once, right? So give a one in the chat. If you're looking forward to
hearing about, is it worth Muslim men getting married, or two in the
chat if you want to hear about the debunking modern marriage myths,
and a three in the chat if you want to let hear everything and
you're there for everything. And then on Sunday, we've got
workshops. And in the workshops, we're actually going to be talking
about what we bring to the table as women. And I'm going to be
teaching on understanding your value as a Muslim wife. So you do
not want to miss that for sure. Ladies, sisters, if you're in
London, in the surrounds, if it's not for you, you may know a
sister, you may have a cousin, you may have a niece you may have a
daughter, these teenagers bring them right let them come to this
in sha Allah. And then brother Nasser's workshop is going to be
love is never enough. Marriage and emotional regulation. Brother
Nelson, why are you trying to break the people's hearts by
telling them that love is never enough?
Yeah, now I'm trying to equip them, equip them get out of the
illusion that love is enough. Right? That love is all you need.
I think there was an r&b song back in the day. Love is all we need.
It's a Mary Jane, you probably too young to know about that. So yeah,
that was a Mary J. Mary J hit love is all we need. So yeah, see that?
And that's the thing like, oftentimes, you know, the media,
social media, music and everything has
diluted us into believing that oh, we need the fields, right? That
that emotional connection is all we need for a marriage to work in
order to identify if this is the person I should be married. Right?
And so the aim of the workshop is to give you the tools you need to
to regulate your emotions, but to also understand that there's other
things you need besides love.
You don't need love to get married. But you do need more than
that is the ability to understand your thinking and regulate your
emotions. Right so that when the love does develop, the person
doesn't want to run away. That's
okay Masha Allah so you can see it's going to be fire mashallah,
thank you Copan spanner for the five euros Super Chat. Does that
allow Hayden we've also got
equity is a must factor Shokran Shokran much
Hold on. That's, that's that's 40 I ain't trying to you know being
in another person's bag but you know
it's okay. It's good. It's good if you don't ask you will not receive
Moby the whale does like love hate and thank you for the 1999 Super
Chat. Unfortunately, sisters I've met have been very career focused
and masculine. Oh, we talked about this last week, didn't we? In
fact, one laughed and felt insulted when I brought up being a
stay at home mom, I mean, the US all the sisters in my area seem to
be this way. We need to have some kind of service going on
the news, traditional minded Muslims. Alright guys, let's do
this. Right, let's do this. So brother now so let's set the
stage. Okay, just to make it clear to the people. When we say what do
you bring to the table? What is this question implying? What is
the what is what is the ask you?
Yeah, I think so. I think for me the as as a man is, is that you
have to have some assets, you have to bring something of value.
Okay, okay. So what is the table? Firstly?
The marriage, what do you bring into this relationship to this
connection?
All right. Okay. Yeah, that guys, that's what the table means. So no
one can come and say I am the table. Right? You're not allowed
to do that. Okay, because the table is the marriage, just the
thought of is okay, is where you're going to eat? The table is
already there. Now you have to bring something to it. So what is
it that you ate? We're going to be asking you what you feel you
bring? Okay. And then in the chat, guys. And we will do this too.
To make this a learning exercise, maybe in the chat, tell us what
you think of what the person has put forward as what they're
bringing, right? If you feel that the person is saying something
that is a no brainer, or is like a non negotiable, right? Like then
the pick them up and say, Yeah, I agree with that. If you think that
this is something that is not interesting at all, is really not
something that will move you, for example, you don't see necessarily
value in it, then feel free to say that as well, right? Because we're
not here in an echo chamber. We want people to get feedback, right
on what it is they feel that they bring. Sometimes we think we bring
in something table, but nobody on the table wants to eat that thing.
And that's the truth. All right. So we want to make sure that in
the future, when we're having these types of conversations, we
have an understanding of what the table requires, and which of the
things for the meal we have, and we can bring all that we can
develop and start to be able to bring okay, I know I'm doing too
much teaching now. Do you want to give anybody else? A pointer
before we before we open up?
No, I just want people to be as this is a learning opportunity.
Right? So for sisters and brothers, I saw in a comment.
someone saying, you know, they appreciate us having this
conversation, because in some communities, it's not a it's not a
topic that's addressed. And so I would encourage everyone to take
this as an opportunity to, to learn, right? Maybe what you think
is valuable in the Muslim marriage market is not as valuable as you
think it is. And or maybe what you thought was not that viable really
is.
Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Love it. Okay. Hamdulillah. Let's go.
And one last one last point. Let me say this before, please. Like,
let's not be petty in our thinking. This isn't a red pill.
talking point conversation. This is important. Right, these
conversations that happen prior to Red Pill manosphere.
The late
Kevin Samuels, these conversations have been happening for a long
time. Yeah. 100%. And before we jump in, we've got three people on
deck. We've got CES, we've got brother Kareem, we've got those
guys, I see you and we're coming to you.
I want to see if this is true. For men that only work is how much
they have in their pockets. Make a note guys make a note. One of the
one of the thing I think we need to establish this moving forward
for every show and even in the live. One thing we're not going to
do that can get you cut off real quick, is shame men. That's not
going to happen.
So we're going to we're going to
be intellectually honest here. We're going to dig deeper. It's
not going to be surface level, just shame men. If you don't like
something that men are doing, please articulate that. But just
don't do with the bashing men. Men are acting like boys. Men aren't
men. We're not doing that. Yeah, we'll get cut off.
And you will just be asked to articulate that in a better way.
It's not that we don't want to hear what you have to say. But
we're not doing the shaming thing. And I preface that with this,
you're not going to hear on this show or any other place and learn
your day to day life. Someone saying that a woman is not being a
woman, a woman is acting like a girl that doesn't have so we're
not going to regurgitate or repeat the same thing towards men.
Shaming is not going to happen. All right. So this is a point that
I want us to discuss that the only worth a man has his his money.
Point number one.
Point number two that women never ask what a man brings to the
table. All right, Evie, please you need to come on or make this like
make your case all right. In the in the chat insha Allah if this is
something that's important to you.
And, and oh,
this Canada let's let's deal with this. Sorry guys who are waiting,
please, please, please just give us give us a moment to deal with
this. Safe says I'm not in alliance with the same What do you
bring to the table? It's basically a Cold War especially Kaffir
individualistic statement that has no grounds in Islamic theology.
Okay, wait a second. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said
that a woman is married for four things of beauty to wealth, her
lineage and her Deen to marry the one with De Mayo hands, we covered
the cross, UT, well, wealth, lineage and deemed
please, let's not say that she's not bringing those to the table.
It's simply a different way of saying it. Nobody is looking or
expecting Muslims to get married without expecting anything from
it. So I don't agree that it is a Kaffir statement or a cover
statement or an individualistic statement. And if anybody is
married on here, please let us know what you asked your potential
questions about what they want, what they don't want, what they
like what they don't like, and you know, kind of who they're going to
be in the marriage. This is not helpful. This here, as far as I'm
concerned, is not helpful. And it's an attempt to derail an
important conversation which kind of has done so I'm going to be
quiet now. Brother do want to mention anything or shall we go?
No, no, I think I think you your point was suffice. And I would
just encourage my brother's safe to stay in a conversation and see
if your opinion check in with us at the end. See if your opinion
has shifted? If not let us know If so let us know.
Right, let's go.
So we've got
more Alaikum, salaam, October
how's everything going?
First question, what do you feel that you think you bring to the
table of a relationship? Yeah, it's a little bit awkward to just
sit there and certainly, you know, listing your positives. You know,
like it's a it's a it's a kind of an awkward question to have to sit
there thinking about well, I think I'm you know, beautiful or I think
you know, I have got I've got to make it public. No shame in your
game. You're here, your industry you're on camera. Mashallah. So
you already pushed through some discomfort there. And we want you
to do at the end of the day, we know that every gift that everyone
has is a blessing from Allah subhanaw taala. So there's no
arrogance or anything ego involved. What do you think you
bring to the table? And my mind?
That's a beautiful background. You got that brother? Thank you.
Yellow coming off the tree. It's in Canada. Yeah. So whoever
whoever might, you know, marry you and come into that area might be
moving in.
So when we're discussing what you bring to the table, obviously,
like us tonight brought up the this idea of the Hadith about what
women bring, for example, there's a it's a very similar subject to
what men bring to the table. So, a man has to look at himself and
say, you know,
I, you know, how educated am I? For example, I here I went to
college, I studied
civil engineering technology. You know, I worked for a few years in
the construction industry and I work at humbler in a municipality.
Again in the construction industry. I mean,
work right now, as you can see,
you're working brother. Yes, I am. Nice. So so obviously that's
something like, that's something that you definitely bring to the
table. Any man who says I'm working with it's an automatic
advantage over somebody who says I'm not working.
Oh,
what else I like to consider myself a student of knowledge,
still a beginner but a student of knowledge.
Hamdulillah I like to I like to read quite a bit.
Islamic books and whatnot.
That's
everybody has their struggles with their deen and I'm no exception.
So, in sha Allah, Allah subhanaw taala will be able to, I asked us
pantalla to help me through my struggles. But
but I like to think that with certain things, I do better than
then in other things. Like
with my research,
just jump in for a second man. Just give you some coaching. Okay,
brother, nice. And may I give the brother some coaching, please also
give back?
For sure. We know that none of us is perfect, right? And we all on a
journey. We have good traits and bad traits. So the question for
you is, and I know that you may feel uncomfortable, right? Because
you don't want to beat yourself up and make yourself look, I don't
feel like I'm tooting my own horn. Exactly right. But that's what we
need you to do right now. Okay, that's all you got to do right
now. You're gonna give us and the thing is that you see, this is a
language issue, right? Because when you say I have struggles with
my Deen, okay, we know you'll have struggles, right? But rather than
saying, I struggle with my Deen, how about shifting, not saying I'm
striving?
Because the two means the same thing. But one didn't. I'm doing
my best. Right? Okay.
We've got you got an education, you had work experience, you're
working?
I'm good with my finances. I'm responsible. I'm not a heavy
spender. Like, keep going. So I have been before in you know,
certain, you know, engagements or whatever in other situations in
life. And currently, I'm not married, but I have been in
certain situations where my I know myself as how I would act in a
romantic relationship and romantic situation. And I can I see that I
try my best to put the other person's needs as as a priority.
That's a direct.
I try my best at least. So I'm, I don't mind the idea of sacrificing
some of my own needs for the other person.
But the NASA is gonna give you a hard time now.
I figured
what I'm getting here is I'm hearing that you're considerate.
Yeah, that you're thoughtful. Right? That you're giving? Would
you say you're giving Hamdulillah? I tried. Okay, so that's sort of
where it goes to the what I expect from a spouse. I also expect
somebody who's willing to put my needs before making me as a
priority. I don't want to be the only person who gives and doesn't
get anything return. It's been I've, you know, I've experienced
things like that before. And it's, it's not a it's not a pleasant
situation. So it's very important for me that I have somebody who
who gives as much as I get, you know, like,
exactly like, I as rather NASA says, like, love isn't isn't the
only thing and that's true. Love isn't the only thing and it also
depends on how people display that love. Like, if not just the love
languages and whatever. But like also like how much do you actually
prioritize the person? How selfish Are you? Versus how, how selfless
Are you? Oh, you need somebody to come to the table ready to make
you a priority? Like you're going to make them a priority?
Absolutely, I don't. I I've been grazed in an area, like humbler
around the people that I know, you'll find like the occasional
neighbor here, the friend here, who they'll tell you a story about
their cousin who the woman did everything she could to make the
man happy. And the man was selfish and didn't care and whatever. So I
was raised hearing, you know, different stories about, you know,
obscure people. And I didn't want to be that selfish guy who takes
from his wife and doesn't give anything back. So that was sort of
something that was ingrained in my head. And because of that, I also
raised my standards, obviously, like, I'm not going to be just the
giver who doesn't, who doesn't get anything in return. But I managed
to sort of shift my thinking to realize like, Okay, I have, I have
responsibilities in the DEA and I have to do what I can.
For obviously, for providing financially and materialistic I
have to I have to provide that way. But I also have I have a duty
to give this person what I can to give that like to give them a
happy and fulfilling
life and our relationship. And it's obviously even excluding
children. And I expect the same thing in return when it comes to
expectations that you want a fulfilling relationship.
Well, I think everybody wants that. But yeah, that's that's sort
of where my mind goes. But I didn't mean to say that. So what
do you expect her to bring to the table besides being ready to make
your priority being a giver, being generous anything else?
When it comes to other things, like, you know, like just minor
things like, you know, I, I grew up eating my mom's very good
Palestinian food. I would like a wife who knows how to cook. Okay.
Take notes, ladies. Well, I'm saying, yeah, just take notes,
knows how to cook. Preferably Palestinians should learn the
Palestinian dishes. All right. What else?
It's somebody who has like a nurturing spirit, like this is I'm
not just picking my own wife, I'm picking the mother of my children.
So I should be picking someone who I think would be a good mother who
would fit
somebody, obviously, like, fun, I like to, I like to joke around and
I like to have a laugh. I'm not a very serious person all the time.
So I like to be casual and things just keep things light most of the
time. Okay. Would you say like, light hearted?
Rather, not my cross examination, you may continue taking notes
here.
Do you have more that she needs to bring or that you'd like her to
bring, and then brother Nasir can take over, I'm taking the notes
here. Somebody who has like sort of a, an interest in my interests.
And somebody I'm obviously somebody who has their own
personality, their own interests, who I would I can take interest
in, even if, like I have no interest in, in makeup, for
example. But if she's watching a YouTube video, she sits there
explaining it to me for 10 minutes about her eyeshadow or whatever. I
don't mind listening. The same way if I have interest in whatever it
is that I have space, or, you know, whatever astronomy or
whatever it is, and I explained to her I, I expect that she would be
open and willing to I'm happy to listen to my interests. And I like
that sort of a sort of compatibility. compatibility. All
right.
All right. Well, then that's it over to you in Sharla.
What's the age range? Well, I'm 24. Now. So I'm, hopefully
somebody under 24.
Okay.
You mentioned
suggested
you said likes to cook.
Yes. Or knows how to cook. Yes. That's what I said. No.
are willing to learn.
Okay, question four. Is that a deal breaker?
It's hard to say deal breaker. I don't. I don't usually like using
that term. Because I don't. I've been I'm usually very easygoing.
But I think it should be something that's
even a deal breaker still a very high priority.
Okay, my suggestion, suggestion is,
have deal breakers and be confident would have and deal
breakers.
Because you don't have time?
Yeah, you're right. Like have deal breakers. And so example, when I
got married,
I wanted someone that knew how to cook, and like to cook.
I wasn't interested in wanting to learn. Because for me, not all
times. But for me, that raises the question of will if you really
focused on getting married, what you've been doing.
I see honest question and, you know, honest question. And again,
for the chair. For the sisters, there's going to look for the 1%.
The reality is says if you're focused on getting married, just
like my brother here has focused on getting married. So he made
sure he had education and a job. If you focus on getting married,
you know, you're going to ensure love. Having children is a goal of
yours,
you're going to need to cook for your kids.
So you should learn how to cook. By the time you're 20 to 2019, and
getting ready for marriage. So don't get in your feelings, but
accept the fact that if you don't know how to cook, you should know
how to cook. Again, not interested in the 1% that don't for valid
reasons. They own that if you don't know how to cook. So what I
would say to you is this.
If cooking is important to you, my own personal biases is it should
be especially now in terms of health and I won't go there, but I
think it should be very important to you. Right? Because you don't
want to spend your life and your money eating outside all the time.
Well, absolutely not. Right. So I the point I would make to you is
this.
It's important to have your deal breakers and that's for you to
decide what they are. But be firm be comfortable with having deal
breakers because listening to you. i The first thing that comes to my
mind is I want to make sure you have boundaries.
I say I want to make sure you have boundaries
Yeah, it is important. I want to make sure you have boundaries. Um,
but that I don't want to go deep into that that's a that's a
personal conversation. That's something that we could possibly
do offline. But with that being said, we have the age, we have the
cooking.
Brother, look,
does she need to work? What does she need to bring to the table?
Does she Are you looking for someone?
To be a housewife? What are you looking for? That's the thing is
because, you know, living in this country, and it's not always easy
to say I want only a housewife,
sometimes out of like financial necessity, she might have to work.
So we're,
like, I don't know, if we have children. And there's, you know,
there's a
assuming they're, you know, older, I don't know, if I'll be able to
support that whole household and everything. With my what I'm
currently making, I have no idea. Like, I don't know how her own
expectations of what she's expecting, like for me to provide
financially other than just the basic minimum.
She might have to work just to provide help provide, or maybe
not, I don't know. So I don't really like say,
you know, What's your wish of plan? Okay. I don't want to put
you on the spot. But what I would say my suggestion to you is, give
some time to planning what is your plan to retire your wife?
That that should be? That should be the focus?
You know, starting off, you don't need to work. Worst case scenario.
And she does, it should also have, you should always have a plan A to
retire your wife, meaning that necessity for her to work is not
even on the table. Now, if she chooses to, and you're okay with
it? Yes, this is you need his permission. If you if you give the
okay, and she chooses to work, great. It's her money, it stays
with her. But always have in your mind a plan to retire her from
working. Right? I see. So I can understand what you're saying you
never know the future you live in in the west and potentially.
But I would sit if I were you? I would.
Because I think it helps when you sit down with a father as well. Of
course, right? This is my plan. This is how much I make. This is
what I think I can provide, or I know I can provide.
And this is how much I know I can say I have a plan. I'm currently
working at this position right now. And three years, I think I
can make this much I can have this type of raise and position and
also if you plan to go independent, and 10 years I plan
to be independent in this way. Right haven't mapped out. But
apologies I think I've drifted because we're talking about what
is she need to bring the table anything else you feel like she
needs to bring I love an Arabic speaker, she that's kind of a deal
breaker for me, she has to have at least a basic sense of Arabic,
because I came from an Arabic speaking household. And even
though like even though my parents tried their best to speak Arabic
with us, because we were raised in the West, and because we would go
outside and watch TV or go outside and go to schools, see our
friends, whatever, go to work. Our Arab like both myself and my
brother are Arabic is a little bit weaker than it could be.
So if I have a slightly weaker Arabic and my wife has a slightly
weaker because her children her children gonna come out. I want my
children to call Arabic speakers. So it's very important for me that
my wife is also an Arabic speaker. Okay, you ready to be on the hot
seat? I got a hot seat question for you. Okay, yeah, let me
see questions for you.
I don't know rapper with this. Two hot seat questions. Okay.
says can you put him back on because Oh, yeah, Amina. I want to
see if there's any you ready? I've given you ready. Ready to smell
that she needed degree?
Not necessary, but it would be nice. Okay.
Does she have to wear he jet? Yes.
Definitely. Okay, that's it.
I was like, Oh, you're gonna come from another angle. I've got
something for you though. And that is if Arabic is as important to
you, as you say. Then I do think that it would be good if you are
making your own ways even now to get your Arabic up to standard
right because
I've done that. I've been planning
Yeah, so it's in the works yet that they get that done. Your wife
can do the same because you know how difficult it is to raise
bilingual children anyway. You know, your parents tried and they
are probably native speakers. Right? So to Allah, I wish you all
the very best I
I'm
troll thank you so much for for coming on mashallah sister says
does currently learning Arabic count I think you've got some fans
in the chat mashallah
so let us know if if you know it currently learning counts. But
listen you were the first guest to come on you shared so openly and
honestly with us you know you accepted you know a bit of
coaching you know you accepted a little bit of pressing and you did
it with grace so just like a local affair please stay stay on the on
the channels stay on the platform and and do let us know if anything
comes up. This isn't the last show lunch but we'll see allows you in
the fetal cabin show will be evening legends I can Okay then.
Yeah.
All right. Let's get a sis up in sha Allah. Somebody consists.
You're under assist. Who is this is that we have with us today?
Yeah, you're muted. Okay, guys. So, um, let's hear from Okay,
let's hear from the crowd. Let's hear from the audience. I did put
brother Karim's what he brought to the table. I wish we could have
like an up voting system that you could say like, which ones do you
think I like? Yeah, that's what I want to hear. Ladies. Do you
remember what Kareem said that he brings to the table? He said that
he has an education that he has. He's working. He's also learning
the deen. He's responsible. He's not a heavy spender. He's good
with his finances. He's striving in terms of his Islam. He's
thoughtful. He's giving his considerate maybe to a fault, we
don't know.
And he expects to be the priority. Okay, and he wants to marry a
woman who is a giver who is generous, who's nurturing
maternal, light hearted, playful, is interested in his interests,
has a personality and is compatible with him in that sense.
And of course, she has to know how to cook Palestinian food like his
mama. So let us know in the chat. Which of those was was did you
think was fair? And was like, Yep, yeah, me that works well, for me.
What did you think was not not relevant or not necessary? What
brother Nasir, what do you think?
I like I said to him, I would I would one plug for soft life
brother or sisters. Feel free to DM me on on IG matchmaking service
to
as I said, I would you know, if he and I have a private conversation,
the thing that stood out to me and I think it's important for for
everyone is to make sure you have boundaries, right? And to be firm
with
and confident in what you said as your your boundaries.
Right.
And that comes with also mindset that you're willing to pass up
something that might look good, but yet it doesn't match your
standards or crosses certain boundaries. I think you have to be
firm on that.
And the reality is the brother is only 24. He has time. Yeah,
literally as time. Yeah. I hope you've meet a nice girl who
marries him and they grow together in sha Allah.
that age, that's the age really where you may not have everything
you want. You may not have it all established. But if you can find a
woman who's ready to support you, and stand by you through that
process, you can build something really amazing. Mashallah. Lovely.
All right.
Emotionally? Yeah, of course. Yeah, I support you as anything
within the home. Yeah, right. We just got to clarify that because I
think last week
people were very,
you know, acid phobic. Like that one. Asset phobic. Assets phobic.
That's a pretty good one. Yeah. So cmin says she liked the his
education, the fact that he's working, the fact that He's
considerate and the fact that he's thoughtful, I feel and I could be
wrong here. But I think that he would definitely need a sister who
is not hard or hardened guys give me a yes in the chat if you agree.
Because you know some of these girls out here they're you know,
they might run game you know, and
and need to be treated to say hello to her. Evie. I thought he
was a little too nice and soft question. Are you a brother or a
sister? Evie? I'm not sure. We'll find out soon. Let us know that.
And Evie. My other question to you is
how
Would that affect the process for him?
How would women perceive him if he was a little too nice? And so?
It's a genuine question, you know, because I feel he's a man. He's a
man.
Yeah.
I think there's a lot to be said with that.
You see, so this, this is the thing that and again, these are
sisters all kind of saying the same thing. And I think that this
is an issue that brothers in general, especially brothers who
were raised in traditional religious homes, and we're good
boys. MashAllah Tabata kala. And this is not not to do with our
brother Kareem. Now,
this is in general, brothers, boys or young men who were raised in
traditional or religious homes, is that they don't have that edge to
them. Right, which unfortunately, a lot of women are kind of primed
to, to want.
And kind of, is that nice guys finish last, right? Which is awful
to say. Because you don't want a man to no longer be nice, because
he realizes that being nice doesn't get him his outcome,
right. But since the same man says she does, she did not believe that
he was soft, she thought he was sensible and practical, and that
he wasn't aggressive. And she liked that.
Different different viewpoints coming from people's own, you
know, then themselves, right? See, Mr. Han is one of them as well.
He's one of them raised in a traditional household in a
religious household, where he just doesn't have that kind of edge
that street or masculine kind of Rogal type of thing, necessarily,
right. And, unfortunately, you know, some women can can be a bit.
The whole nice guys finish last they don't. That's why That's why
my my counseling coaching spidey senses went off. And the first
thing that I said to him, it was about boundaries. Yeah. Because
when you're,
when you're to considered, or perceived to be, and again, this
is a perception. This is a narrative that the individual
who's hearing you who heard him, this is a narrative they created,
the meaning they created was that He's too nice, right. And so when
you're faced with people that have that create that narrative about
you, you have to make sure you have boundaries to protect you.
So, yeah, kudos to myself for perceiving at early. I know, you
won't give me my props. So I have to give myself my props. But
that's all jokes aside, that's a very important thing. That's a
very important piece. Brothers when you know that that's how
you've been raised. Because it's universally accepted.
You know, it's been said before, wherever you go, the two that are
always
always gained the attraction and arousal of women,
the bad boys, and the pretty boys.
And that's just that's just reality. Right? And so knowing
that if for whatever reason you don't fit in those two categories,
no problem. But then what how do you need to move
you know, don't don't be raged for an angry about the market as it
is. Just no it and then make adjustments. That's for brothers,
for sisters. And sis nine, you may need to be able, you may need to
speak to this. But for sisters, you need to know that about
yourself, and make adjustments as well. Because what you don't want
to do is hit that wall bus, do it at 2930 and then wake up at
3231 33 and realize that that nice guy, that Kareem that was on the
show 10 years ago that you thought was nice. career focus, but too
nice. Now ain't gonna be checking for you. friendzone Yeah, right.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's an important piece. These nice guys that you pass up
on. Those are the same guys and a few years from now will be further
on in their career, have more value to bring to the table and
thus have a higher standard in terms of the type of woman that
they're looking for. And they probably won't be checking for
you.
So, it's something to think about, oh, this is interesting. Maddie.
Ahmed says it's about having the capacity to be aggressive, not
being aggressive, but that you know that if you need to bring
thing that you can bring that. And sometimes it's just a matter of
physical strength, right, and just your confidence, your physical
aura. And definitely, you know, I think all the ladies would
probably attest to this is that, you know, a man who is on his game
physically, who has the confidence of a man who has, you know, he
knows his strength, and he knows what he's capable of, that man is
always going to get more attention than, you know, the overweight
guy, or the super skinny guy, you know, who maybe lack confidence on
either side. So one of the easy wins that I give my sons, pardon
me, is to work out, you know, is to be physically active and
workout and get into the best physical shape possible. Because
this type of stuff. It's, it may seem like, it shouldn't matter,
right? I have a good heart, what does it matter what my body looks
like, right? But what happens is
there something in terms of the chemistry and then the way that a
woman responds to you the desire, if you like, you can call it
chemistry, you can call it desire, you can call how she wants to be
with you. That is physical, right? It's that physical attraction. So
you know, for all guys out there, I advise this to everyone get fit,
get strong, right? You will benefit from it. And sha Allah,
this is your body is a tool that you've been given by Allah
subhanaw taala take the best care of it. And it will also it will
also stand you in good stead with your family as well. Insha Allah
trust me on that. So that's why
that's out there. That's why I wanted to things that I emphasize
to men is to learn finesse.
Right. And that's important as you move through life.
Yeah, definitely says it doesn't matter. It's pure ology. Yes. And
yeah, and, of course, most of us, we do want our spouses to have a
physical desire for us, right. So what I love about this show, and
and shows like this is that we get to meet people who will give us
something to talk about, and then we can extrapolate. Right? So just
to for everybody who's on here know that when we keep talking
about this, we're not talking about you anymore, sorry. It's not
about you anymore. It's more you know, what are the lessons that we
can learn? What is a coaching or a teaching or a tip we can teach to
the whole to everyone who's going to watch this because we get 1000s
of people watching these videos my Charlotte's about like 10s of
1000s now, and people will take stuff from this so it could be any
one of you on here mentioned just one thing, and it opens up a whole
conversation like now we're talking about physical fitness,
not because our brother Kareem is not buff is nothing to do with
that. It's just one thing from his conversation has opened up another
piece of learning for us to to have Mashallah. All right. Let's
bring on Tirza Tirza. Is that how we say your name? I think it's a
sister is that correct?
Tirza Yes, sir.
How are you?
I'm good. How are you are doing?
Wonderful, great to have you on Ma sha Allah says so. Tell us a
little bit about yourself. Where are you based? I am a Seattle
Washington. Nice, nice hamdulillah married not married. I'm married.
You're married sis. Okay, so you can tell us then what do you bring
to the table inshallah. I am the type I'm just kidding.
The whole stream I was about to say punch the button
given the learning mashallah, okay, so, jokes aside,
for me personally,
from my view of how things work in my life, I feel that I bring
a neutral balance to my husband's life.
To be able to understand his silence, to encourage him where he
needs that encouragement.
To be someone he can trust, without explanation.
Most men or men have not too many words.
You know, so if, if he does not have those areas of communication,
I can understand where he's coming from. Just from knowing him been
with him for so long.
How long have you guys been married? Since if you don't mind
me asking. We've been married for going on eight years and before
that we knew each other for about a year and a half. About a
Columbia continue to bless you carry on this you're giving us
some good stuff here. Keep going.
And just to help his day to day
to help his day to day on a practical level. Yes, like
Go literally,
to like, he could just float through his way through the house
and go to work and come back home to La get to be a stay at home
mom, wife. So
to me, that's a beautiful opportunity growing up, I had the
I had
the same lifestyle, my mom was that way. And so serving each
other was always something that brought peace and pleasure to me.
Like I used to go around the house, passing out snacks to my
siblings, I would come home, I wouldn't give him water, take off
his shoes. And just by nature 100 I appreciate being brought into
that family and a lot of creativity in the way that I am.
And coming to the point where I am now to be accepting of who I am.
Because
where I lived before, is kind of traditional, but fading out. And
I've had, like, friends that were saying, I could never do that. You
need to do something else your parents put you in private school,
you're dumbing yourself down, you know, like you need to do more
than that. And, you know, when you're like postpartum kicked in
after my second child and I started listening to it. So I was
on the verge of getting a divorce, we actually separated. This is our
four year being back together, going into almost two years. So I
let other people words get into my mind in my moments of weakness. So
for anybody that has kids, or anybody who speaks negatively
towards your house, pick that weed out or does not choke your life.
Because we can be weak the sun could be shining. But if we're
constantly surrounding ourselves in clutter, spiritual clutter,
mental clutter, emotional clutter, we're basically burning ourselves
and cutting our own blessings. We give people permission to rob us.
Wow, masha Allah says, that is as they say, whole word right there,
Masha, Allah. So I've got married for eight years. Allahumma barik.
She brings balance to the table. By that balance to her husband's
life. She brings silence. She brings trust without the need for
explanation. I know that the brothers are loving this. I know.
I know, brother Nasir, you're going to tell us in a minute, but
I can imagine support when it's needed, understanding and help
through day to day life taking care of the home and serving. All
right. So in the chat, guys, especially the brothers, let us
know how you rate these things that sister brings to the table
for her husband, Abdullah and brother Nasir. Do you have any
comments, maybe more generally, two sisters.
I appreciate you know what the sister shared and trusting us
enough to share it on the show.
I like that she appreciates being in a housewife. Right? And values
that and also values being of service to her husband to allow
him to move as she said through the home easily right to flow
through the home easily. And that's an asset. Right? being
there and being willing to serve and assist as your husband moves
out of the home and moves back in is an asset it's a huge asset.
Huge so yeah, I think I think there's a lot for sisters to take
from this
Yeah, people are loving it my Charlotte's about a koala and may
Allah only increase you in that says you've really given us I love
it. You've given us some food for thought from the frontlines and I
think that's really really useful because it's real, masha Allah, so
lots of love for you in the comments. Mashallah. So what do
you what is your what should
your married? So, what do you value about what your husband
brings to the table? How's that?
Um, I value it. By expressing it. He gives me the opportunity to be
his piece. He's strong and who he is, if there's something he
doesn't like, he says it once. All right, that's it. You know, we've
clearly built the momentum to where we authenticated a lot
before. Now we're both in a place of being able to hold space for
each other. So it might be one look, I give him in.
You know, we offer each other that same balance, and he also brings
the horse when when we need it, whether it's
how you flipping you slip in with the housework, no, okay. You know,
or, you know, the kid, you know, anything that the kids need to be
reinforced, that I can't personally
I'm very, we have two boys. So anything that's on that level of,
hey,
this was gonna take me out of my character. If I have to do this
too many times, can you please go in there and get get them
straight, please? So it's that that kind of thing that
that were on those before that, that we can, we can offer each
other now.
So it's pretty simple. This is simple if you allow it to be.
So yeah, I love that, mashallah, thank you so much this question
goes this question for you.
Yes. Do you consider your husband as the leader of the home?
And is that something that you were looking for when you were
getting married? It's someone to lead. Yes. Like I said, that's the
kind of upbringing I was in my dad he provided for us, he brought in
the correction when he would come home from work, he also made sure
that he was there, not just only to discipline us, but also to show
us what how a man should be treating us like, he would give us
gifts. We I was very Christian. So he would, you know, do things for
us for Christmas, give us a certain allowance every year, you
know, whether to be gifts to each other or family, ourselves. And my
sisters, he would give us like, individual dates, if you will, he
would take us out to dinner or ice cream. And then he took his day,
he still gives us Valentine's Day cards and stuff like that.
So my husband is not that romantic.
I've learned to be at peace with a lot of things because I know that
he's busy, and he has a lot of things on his mind. So to him is
if you were to want something, I'm not stopping you from doing what
you want to do. And I can appreciate that. Because
as women, we can say, well, he gave me this I don't like this
color. So I'm I'm still human in those areas. So I'm grateful to
say hey, I'll run it by him. Can I get this group on and get a
massage while the kids are in school? Why not?
May Allah continue to bless and increase your marriage?
And yeah, thank you. Thank you, Sister Zakka local affair and
Allahumma barik. Lots of guys make the offer them in the chat. It's
already happening. Hamdulillah. So thank you so much, says Zach.
Hello, hi. All right, um, I've got a question here that I think we
should discuss. Somebody says, Where's the comment that I wanted
to bring up? So Sophia says, do all men want that being given
given given
for the NASA? You please? Can you chime in on that answer to that?
And then also the guys in the chat, please? Is this what men
want to be given given given the way our sister Teresa is giving?
Because it seems like it's not going down very well with some
people?
tofi Is that how I pronounce it? Potentially? Totally.
Totally. So is that all you get out of that?
What I what I got from that is what someone else put in the
comments, which was teamwork.
Working together, she's receiving and she's also giving as well.
So yeah, men do want you to show up
with something of value and assist them in their vision and system to
be quote unquote, helped me
that requires you to give that's marriage. That's any relationship.
Again, I think it's a matter of I mentioned this last week,
marriages, a lot of things but it's it's a transaction. It's a
business. If you're not willing to give in a business.
You I would suggest you continue to watch our show every Friday
8pm
If I'm on time, if not, no later 815 UK time and end if you can
meet us at the end of November the 25th 26th 27th. Join us in the UK.
Love workshop included conference on Saturday. How am I doing? Good.
Good.
Yeah.
That was a beautiful segue. Mashallah. I'd like to know who
has booked their tickets. I did put the ticket link in the chat
guy
eyes. Have you booked your ticket yet? Yes or no? Because you should
have
so that I
can hope and
I'm gonna have learned something today I got a I got a brother from
UK that lives here that lives close. We were out earlier today I
learned something new.
I want to get it. I want to get it word, the word where I learned
something new that I got to do for for when I'm in London, this will
be the first time you've been in London.
He said I need I need to try chippies. Yes,
yes, I didn't know what was chippies. I'm gonna try some
french fries. They're not French fries. They're not the same at
all. You will see for yourself, guys. Excuse me? Are french fries,
the same as chips? Just put in the chat. Are they the same? Yes or
No? You'll see for yourself. Anyway. Let's talk more action.
All right, so we've got
somebody come?
I'm not sure. Can you guys hear me? Yes. While he can. Sam.
Welcome.
Welcome to Lesson Jana.
Yes, I'm dilla. We want to hear about what you bring to the table
and share our love.
Well, not currently.
But so before I continue on, one needs to ask. I'm not married yet.
And I'm not sure if this panel is the right one for now. Just wanted
to seek some advice really from both of you.
Otherwise, I can come on another live session next time because I
know I don't think this one is for consultation or something like
that. Yeah, I'd say probably not for consultation, but we may get a
chance to do some coaching however, are you interested in
getting married
so essentially, I'm speaking to this one sister.
And I'm a bit of in a predicament whether to go ahead with it or
not.
So I myself I'm from I'm quite young, I'm 24 years old, currently
studying working part time and from UK.
The sisters from here as well. The problem is, is it's not the
problem. So she's a divorcee with two kids.
And she's my age as well.
So she's got mashallah good qualities, like submissive,
obedient and whatnot, as far as from what I've heard and asked,
and that's it. Okay.
My
dilemma is should I get married at my age to a divorcee with two
kids? Even though I might be a little mature but
should I put myself in a position where I might have to struggle
with seeing her given time and attention to or putting their kids
as primary
and
know how did we lose him asking such an important question so pan
Allah I hope he gets back on again. He's literally just lost
his
lost his stream. Wow. Ah, okay.
Do you want to wait for him to come back before we say something
or do you look like you're dying to say something there he is
hamdulillah
you're back.
Sorry. No, it's fine.
So I don't know if you guys heard that we did.
I'm just
above six much for our other brothers. And we're a bit stuck
because I don't know what to do. So I thought maybe nightmare
itself.
You know, being practicing system, the clubby
maybe you can give your two cents
because I'm looking for an a copy practicing wife and if she's not
like that, and she says she's willing to how much do you think
is gonna last for
later?
Okay, so the first question I was likely to answer either for myself
or for yourself. Why her?
That's a good question. So.
Yeah. So I have spoken to other potentials.
It didn't go
very well. The thing about her is,
is eyes see? She's willing. She's making things easy for me. This is
not asking for that much more out of these.
Like, for instance, she was in a buyer
When I said that I want you to win a cup winner in public and she
said, yeah, she can, she can inshallah do that as well.
And from the vetting, I can see that she has those, you know,
submissive qualities.
And I found her attractive as well, of course.
But it's just whether I should just because I like and she has
these things.
Should I enter? At my age? With a sister? That's, that's good to
kids?
How long was she married for before?
About four and a half years.
Okay, so one of the reasons I'm taking advantage of, and I know I
shouldn't say this.
But her ex, the way she treated her wasn't the best. So, and I'm
totally the opposite of him. He was abusive. And I'm kind of
banking on the fact that if she's coming from such a bad
relationship, to being with really good person, she might see that
goodness and more likely to not cause problems.
You know, but then I said, I'm gonna hand this over to you. But
brother, it's an I'm gonna say what I'm hearing. I, I'm hearing
you see her as an easy win, like, low hanging fruit.
When I say you've said a few things, right, where you said,
she's making it easy for you. She's not asking for a lot of
Mahara, which is 100 ayeni. No problem. It's understandable in
the in the situation.
The fact that she's willing to get on your program, right, which is
Hamdulillah. But just the way you're saying that she's come from
a bad relationship. So hopefully, whatever you have to give her
she's going to be like, you know, appreciative of it.
And you're 24 and you've not had relationship experience.
I was gonna say so.
Myself, I got married.
Sorry.
Go ahead. Yeah. So I, I was married at 21. And unfortunately,
I got divorced at 22. Because the sister had a bit of micro
feministic behavior. Right.
And she she's not giving me those. Those vibes. Thanks. So I see that
yeah, she doesn't sound like she's one of those. Okay.
I'm gonna bow out. Brother Nasim, why don't you take the coaching
relics? And let me think about it a bit more. Everybody in the chat
is talking.
I have some thoughts. But I'd like you guys to have maybe have more
of a conversation. Inshallah. Definitely, what I will say is, if
you're going to marry your sister, this is for everyone. This is not
just for you, brother, Sam, this is for anyone out there.
If I'm assuming she has young kids, right?
They must be quite young, like under five, a six year old and a
four year old. Okay, six or four? fairly young. Mashallah. So if
anybody is going to marry a woman who already has children, I would
definitely invite you to consider how you are going to navigate the
relationship with her and with these children and have that
conversation, right? Because when they are young children like that,
they need you, you being a father figure, right? Whoever the father
figure is, they will need a father figure. They're not fully formed,
they're not grown, they're not any of that. They will, they will need
a father figure. Somebody who can stand in that place, who's
prepared to love them in his capacity, right for the sake of
Allah. Now, if you're not prepared to do that, my advice would be let
her try to find somebody who is prepared to do that right now. I'm
not saying you're not, but if your thing is a marrying her, in spite
of the kids, not really interested in them, like, you know, like, I
wish they kind of weren't in the picture, then I would say for the
sake of the children, it would do more harm than good to marry her.
Because they don't need someone like that in their lives. They're
too young. They need mommy and you know, like mommy and daddy type of
thing, right? So you may have had this conversation with her. But
you don't want to go in there, seeing them as your rivals, which
is something you mentioned earlier, where you said How am I
going to cope with her prioritizing the kids? That's a
tough one. But you can't go in there feeling like you're in
competition with her kids, for example, you have to go I feel you
need to go in there. If you're going to take the song. It's a big
responsibility, right? It's not easy, but you have to do it for
the sake of it.
Law with the with the right intentions, otherwise it's going
to be an absolute disaster. And you don't want them. We don't want
a disaster for you or for her. So go back to your intentions and
have those conversations with her those hard conversations. And
don't let her just say to you, yeah, it's fine. It's fine. It's
fine. Like have honest conversations. It's okay how, how
do you see me in their lives? Am I gonna come in as a father figure?
Well, I have the ability to discipline them for example,
right? Do they have a relationship with their father already? Right?
Is there a shared custody happening right in terms of free
time and time together time alone? How is that gonna work? Does she
have a family that will help you know those those kind of
logistical practicals conversations need to take place
but first in your head? Purify your intention, if you're going to
go for it? Yeah, and for the sake of the kids, you guys are adults,
you can do whatever you want to do, but I feel for the kids but
I'm going to stop talking now. I hope that was useful in some way.
Brother, NASA Do you want to take over in Charlotte?
It was just one thing before but NASA comes on. Is there a way to
reach you directly? I've spoken to you once on Instagram before but
is there a way to Yeah, just send me a DM inshallah and I'll give
you the email address to use inshallah. Okay, inshallah. Okay.
So
how long has he been divorced?
Two and a half years.
Okay.
How old is the youngest?
Four years old. That's the boy.
Okay.
The EX is in their life or out of their life
out of their life, okay. So financially he's not providing
is about to stop sending maintenance.
Okay, so as of right now he's not.
Yes. Okay. So for two years he has
Okay, now, not for two years. He hasn't. Okay.
So
and I'm assuming he was abusive?
Yes, yeah. Okay.
And how much is she making? You don't? You don't need to tell me
what her job does she have a job.
Yeah, yeah, she has a job. Okay, roughly. How much does she make?
I'd say about
if you're talking I can't get
oh, sorry. I said about 1000 between 1000 pounds.
And for you, you said you 24 roughly how much are you making?
I make because I work for I full time student and I work part time
I make about I'd say 800 pound
okay.
Did you have a therapist or a coach?
No.
Okay, and where's the x now?
Same country, different city.
And I'm assuming they have a contentious relationship.
Server, does that mean conditionally meaning it's not on
the best of terms.
Yes. So they don't.
They don't.
They don't communicate everything. There is no communication. The guy
has been told if he has to see because he was abusive towards the
children. So he has to go through the court to get to a legal
system. Apologies. Apologies. Last question for you. In your circle.
You started off saying that you and I think you were alluding to
you and your friends are kind of stuck on what to do. I think you
so you have spoken about this.
New friends? Yes, I think much better and
it's a bit difficult because we see the goodness, but we also see
potential
problem or issue.
Okay. Is anybody in your circle telling you that this? This is not
a good deal?
Not Yes. But I'm going to continue speaking to the people. Okay. So
my suggestion, my first suggestion to you is, I might suggest, look
for you, and anyone in the chat, anyone that hears this, this is
just my perspective, take it with a grain of salt.
I may be trained in counseling, but this is not counseling or
therapeutic advice. This is just my perspective.
You can't afford that system.
You can't afford that sister,
to be able to show up, how you would need to show up how she
needs you to show up and how her children need you to show up. You
can't afford her.
Secondly,
I don't think she's ready
to be the woman she needs to be for you.
Period.
That doesn't mean she won't be in the future. But if I were in your
circle, what I would tell you is you need to fall back. Let her
prove herself. How did she prove herself, get counseling, get
therapy,
a four year marriage, two kids divorce two years. And no
therapist
with an ex that was abusive? That's not paying any any putting
any paper on the table for his kids?
Nah, she can't show up.
She may think she's can. But she she she has an experience. And she
according to what I gathered from you.
She doesn't know what something healthy looks like.
And to be honest with you could be I don't know you don't know your
experience. I kind of questioned if you know what healthy looks
like.
Because this ain't healthy. And you sign up for unhealthy.
So I look, she may look good. She may be the hottest thing since
sliced bread.
But if I were in your circle, I tell you to fall back, tell her
she needs to prove herself. And the way she proves herself is
getting therapy, getting help
and fixing her situation.
Because I'm not I'm not seeing. And then the other thing, like
you're young.
I'm assuming you have a plan and you have a vision of where you're
trying to go where you trying to take yourself in the next three to
five years.
Do you really want right now? To expose yourself
to an ex? That's messy. That's abusive?
Do you want that energy in your life?
Don't put debris in your way
when you don't need to.
That's just my perspective. That's I mean, like because the reality
is
she's going to come with those two kids hamdulillah but she's also
coming with that ex
that we already know
doesn't know how to regulate his thinking and emotions.
Hence him being abusive
so so if that's the case, do you want to be at this point in your
life?
Opening to opening the door because you have to accept this is
the choice you're making to have this woman in your life
knowing that the price tag that comes with it is an ex that's
abusive. That doesn't have his mind right or doesn't know how to
check his emotions.
Okay,
from what I've spoken to her, to her family, to all the people that
were involved
and has
I haven't clocked any
from at the moment any mental problem emotional problem.
Heavy
Let me tell you, let me clarify for you. She get in help. That's a
clear sign.
That's a clear sign.
Okay.
Like, like we'll talk like if you go into that type of situation
getting married, the same situation, two kids. One, I want
to know, how do you get in it?
What was that vetting process before? But you're in it. Maybe he
was chameleon he changed out to it's okay.
But you how long was she married?
Four years, four years? Yeah. But
in an abusive situation for four years?
And out for two and
No, no, see, because the thing is, and I'll start with this, always
remember, this is for you. And for everybody. Always remember, when
we don't talk about what's in our head, it becomes private logic,
because it's gonna repeat in our head, we can make the most absurd
things become logical, because it's gonna repeat.
It's not until you get it out. And then you start talking about it.
And it's it's vetted by a trained ear, that you realize that what
you thought was private logic was private insanity.
Hence, hence, again, no disrespect to you. But if you go back, and
you look at this, and you look at the chat,
a lot of people are saying,
as you guys say, bruv. But brother, get out of this, this
ain't the one.
Now, I'm not gonna say that to you, because I haven't had a
conversation with you really, or hurt. But I just don't think you
can afford her to show up how you need to show up.
And I don't think she's ready to be able to be the woman she needs
to be for you.
Because she hasn't gotten the assistance that I think is
critical,
given what she's been through, but again, that's just my perspective.
It's, you know, grain of salt.
Just but one last point, I'm not sure if I said it. But if I
didn't,
no disrespect to your, your crew, your those in your circle, but you
need to enhance it. Because if Ain't nobody in your, in your
circle said to you, this ain't the one.
You need somebody in your circle that's going to be able to say to
you,
or at least say to you, this ain't the one right now.
So
may I just offer something that I started my question with?
You know, why is it a yes, for you? Like, you know, what is it?
Right.
And I agree with Brother Nasir, in the sense that financially, and in
terms of you being established as a man, it's a lot for you to take
on a responsibility for assistant, her young children. Now, of
course, it's not your responsibility to pay for those
children, right? You know, that Sharia wise, right? However, if
you are going to raise these kids, which is the ideal scenario, okay,
we can say the ideal scenario, they should go back to their
father or his father's family. But we know that that doesn't really
happen. Okay. The ideal scenario for the family unit, is that you
guys are a family,
where you play the role of the husband, she plays the role of the
wife and the children are, they have, as you know, to all intents
and purposes to parents, and I agree with NASA that from what
you've told us, You are not ready to do that. Whether it's
financially or emotionally at the moment, it's not something you're
necessarily ready to take on board, which is a shame, because I
think you like her. Otherwise, we wouldn't be having this
conversation. Right. But I think that that's really a chance for
you to be very honest with yourself and say, like, well,
brother Nasir said, I know the kind of husband I want to be. And
I know the kind of father I want to be one day. Am I ready to do
that? Or do I need to, like brother said, fullback, finish my
studies, get my money up, and then choose who I'm going to build
with. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news for the system because
I'm sure that she likes you as well. Right? And that she sees
that you're a good guy, mashallah to Allah, Allah. The what I fear
is that the demands of this particular setup will prove to be
too heavy for you. Because I've been in a situation where there's
step parenting, where there's young children where there's, you
know, I'm not so worried about the X
That's not really, that doesn't jump out at me. What I do know is
a situation where you have a woman who has children from another,
another man, and the dynamics between you and her and those
children and how tough that can be. Not to mention the fact that
financially you're not ready
any more than you, and that she's going to end up doing most of this
the paying for stuff. I just think as a long term solution or as a
long term commitment. I'm not seeing it for you. And I know that
she needs a long term commitment for those kids. And that's why I
highlighted sister Sarah's comment, because I do think that
if she's only 24, and she only has two children. And you know,
mashallah, she's probably, you know, a lovely, attractive sister.
What she really needs is a brother who is a bit more established,
whether he's married or not, but he's more established and
financially he can, like keep her in a safe, settled environment to
be able to raise those kids.
Allahu Allah, Allahu Allah, brother.
Maybe just listen back to this. Let your your friends listen to
this and see what they thought of the advice. And then you know,
ultimately praise to harder. But if you don't do decide to go ahead
with it, please have those honest conversations and set expectations
from the start. Because you know, anything could happen. And
anything can work, but only with honest conversation and pure
intentions. Insha Allah when Allah knows best? Is that helpful in any
way? I hope it was not too confusing. Yeah, yeah, it was it
was I just bought a coffee to both of you for your time and efforts.
Bless you guys.
Yeah, it definitely is.
For me, my whole thing was, I like it. But there are some of these. I
don't want to say a negative way. But wait, and whether Do I have
the capacity as a 24 year old? If I can carry them with me? Or am I
doing more than?
You know?
Yeah, that's that's my whole thing.
Because that will die out at some point.
Okay.
Yeah, have you? Look, those are two young kids.
It's just this with regards to the kids like I've had all this
conversation. And
how, what do you see in me? Are you looking for a father figure
today? And all these things. I've had this conversation with her
father, uncle.
And I said to them, you can't expect that of me because I'm no.
However, as a as a, as a, as a Muslim. I see those kids as
Muslims. And if tomorrow, if they live in with us and everything, I
will guide them according to Islam, because I don't want to see
them doing anything that will sabotage that Eman. And generally,
you know, you develop a relationship, but you have to
disassociate this mindset that I can be their father like, and I
sent her the your video, which you did know, my batteries were weaker
with single mothers one number 22 minutes long. She understand that
she agrees.
That's not the thing is just for me whether I have the capacity or
not.
Whether you have the capacity or not as a decision. Bruff
is literally a decision. You have to decide, am I I'm doing this,
and I'm gonna be a man about it. And I'm gonna take this
responsibility, and I'm, this is what I'm doing. Or I don't think I
can, but you can't do both. You can't be like, I'm not sure I can,
but I'll do it anyway. You know what I mean? So I'm telling your
show, don't do it. Because you're gonna let your hair down and let
the kids down as well. I have a 15 year old daughter.
Hey, you didn't give us all the details, my brother.
I don't want to make it too long because it's already been in
detail. So you
and you are a dad as well.
Yes, unfortunately, I only get to see two or three times a month.
Right. Okay, but you you're paying for your daughter, right? Yeah,
yeah. Yeah, have you can't afford this one.
But also the other thing is everybody thought you were this
young innocent boy 24 miskeen green never you had a relationship
not to come to find out that no, you must have been married and you
have a kid as well. Alright, so we make we're like clowning you in
the chat now.
Whoa,
The thing is, the reality of the matter is, you are not at your
peak in terms of what you can choose. And she's not at her peak
either. Brother Nasser, would you agree? No, no, no, no, no, no, he
doesn't have apologies, I'm going to be the brother in your circle
for the moment to tell. You just need the one. Okay?
And says, Whoever you are, if you see this, when we play, Don't come
at me. Because I want you to love for your sister, which you love
for yourself. And but what I mean by sister is his daughter,
fall back and let this man position themselves so that he can
be in a better position financially, to take care of the
dependent that he has, which is his daughter right now.
And hobbies, that would be my advice to you, man fall back from
this, you got a young you got a young daughter.
And you in school right now and working part time fall back, man,
get your paper up, get yourself in a better position so that you can
make sure that your daughter is in a better position they don't want
in life invest in her.
And if this system is ready, let you know. Let her come back circle
back in a few years.
When you in a better position to maintain her her two kids and you
have first priority, which is your daughter. But Nah, man, I
wouldn't. This ain't the one. You can't afford her.
And again, it says, Whoever you are, when you see this is nothing
personal about you. It's just that I want you to love for your sister
what you love for yourself. And his daughter is your sister and
it's not. He needs to prioritize her hobbies. I look I mean, your
circle fullback. This ain't the one.
I'm not I'm not, I'm not taking any of this to my heart. Because I
see you guys as my elder, Muslim, brother and sister. The whole
thing for me is to come in to seek that but genuinely.
You know, the whole thing is that if I just really liked her and I
was head over toes, I mean, I wouldn't be here now. If I didn't
have genuine concern.
Sure enough.
Appreciate you please do give us an update in sha Allah, whatever
you decide, and you know, if there's any any further chapters
to the story, then let us know. And I pray it was fun. Our dialer
accepts, you know, like our meager efforts, right? We are just here
trying to say we don't have all the answers. But maybe just a
little bit more experienced than some of the people on the chat
here and people who are interacting. So we pray that
that's beneficial. But does that make sense? Thank you so much. One
other thing, Brother, please, if you can advise a sister to come
down to our workshop, to come down to our event? Right? Because if
she comes down comes to the conference, she can ask questions
there. But definitely she comes to the workshop, she'll learn some
tools that will help her. So encourage her to come to come
through
25th to the 27th. Okay, okay. Okay. Sorry.
About a cat.
Okay.
That was, so we didn't get what he brought to the table. But we had a
different type of conversation. hamdulillah May Allah bless
everybody with what he brought, what he brought to the table was
sincere intentions.
But I think it's a good learning.
opportunity to learn in less than that good intentions are great.
But they need to be underpinned
by the means
to
follow through on them.
Right. I mean, this is the thing that we've said before, right? The
unfortunate reality is if you as a man are not steady, right,
financially,
there's certain aspects you're going to struggle with. Right?
It's, it behooves every brother to get his to get himself stable,
right? When we say get your money up, we don't mean like six figures
and all of that kind of nonsense, but, you know, you need to be you
need to be okay. You know, you need to be okay to be able to
support a family to whatever extent okay, brother Nasir and I,
we have different views on this.
But you need to have, you need to have well that's something you
need to bring to the table guys. Sorry. The stability financially
needs to be there. All right, let's go. We've got show regular
brother Ismailia, who is going to tell us what he brings to the
table and what his wife to be inshallah ought to bring to the
table what he is looking for, whether it's my apologies, brother
Izmail. Just one second. Since I think another thing that we need
to come back to later on at the end is you
We need to question
what was he expected her to bring to the table?
Now he mentioned he mentioned, he said he was submissive that she
was, you know, obedient, who's going to win a call? Remember,
there were all of those things that he thought those would be
good things for his situation.
That's That's all he said. Interesting. Okay. Apologies, my
brother, as Matt said, I'm like,
well,
that's fun. What do you bring to the table? Brother? I am the
table. No, what's your late with that?
First one, seeing it on the column. Someone said it long
before you long right before that even the stream began Bismillah.
Come on, tell us so I can make the notes here inshallah.
I thought it was this was a good moment for me to chime in, because
I wanted to chime in, in the end. And I wanted to say something
before I say, what I bring to the table, why expect her to bring to
the table.
Something that I think is really important, you guys talked about
it a little bit. But I really wanted to emphasize this, because
it's so important. You talked about deal breakers.
And, to me, I want to take it a step further.
I think, before you focus on what you bring to the table, and what
the other person brings to the table,
you have to know what is it what is it that you that you cannot
handle which cannot stand that you could that you could hate about
the person or that could make you hate the person.
Because regardless of all the qualities and all the things that
a person could bring to the table,
all the qualities, everything, if they have this deal breaker if
they have this thing that could make you hate them.
It doesn't matter how you know how many great qualities they have,
how much money they have, all of that is out the window, if there
is something about them that makes you hate them.
And I want to give an example.
For myself, the like I told you last time, it was a sister who
really insisted on marrying me this last four years.
And this sister is probably the most
generous and attention woman
I've met and Abu will probably ever meet in my life.
But all of that was not enough. You know why? Because this this
system, unfortunately,
she was jealous, beyond what's decent beyond what is acceptable.
She she was so jealous that it made her look crazy.
And it is not something that I can handle.
So all the qualities that she had a Trust me, when I say the
qualities that she has is like she's in the top 10%
When you look at the positive side, but being on the top 10%
is not enough, because it's all broken. It's all destroyed
by this deal breaker.
So before people start asking, you know, what do you bring to the
table? They should, they should get to know the not getting the
person but get to know the things about the person that they could
hate or that could make them hate them.
Does that make sense? It does. It does. Yeah. You got to know
yourself, you know what works for you? What does?
Yeah, and also
you have to know what it is about yourself that could make the
person hate you.
That is also important because you have to state that
because listen,
people can enjoy your qualities. But what was really can
you bring in you coming into marriage with a poison in your
pocket, if you if you don't
if you don't state those things, because if they don't know this
about you, and they figure it out a year later, two years later, or
which happens very often.
It was insignificant in the beginning, but then it amplified
with time.
So for example, the person was a little rude in the beginning and
then their rudeness became
bigger and bigger, right.
So all the qualities are the window
I know so many brothers. So many brothers who told me Listen, bro,
my ex wife. She's a great woman, my ex wife. She's so nice my ex
wife. They have nothing but good things to say about the ex wife
except for that one deal breaker
that brought what? The word divorce
so all those qualities were not enough to keep the marriage
together.
Right? I hear you and I, I know everybody's waiting. We've got
Ismail, Chad, the alpha, the sigma, everyone's giving you all
sorts of names in the comments. However, guys, the likes are not
acceptable. The likes are 53 and there's 155 of you watching so the
full brother Ismael is allowed to give us what he brings to the
table so brother be prepared Okay, before he can tell you what he
brings to the table. You need to hit the like button. And can Evie
Do you mind having a look at the likes and letting me know when we
hit 100
we need we need to get to 100 likes brother NASA Are you with me
to pause the show until we get to 100 likes
until we get to one on one. Okay, so you guys had that 101 likes the
show is officially paused Evie Please can you just keep checking
and let us know when we get to 101 and of course in the break feel
free to buy us a coffee feel free to send super chats and super
thanks insha Allah and brother Ismail I want you to be ready on
deck please with what you bring to the table and what you expect your
spouse to bring to the table in sha Allah All right okay Keep
going guys I want to see these likes going up
let's see let's get some chats here
okay, we are at yes very good. There's more of you. You all have
fingers it doesn't cost you anything mashallah it is free free
free
this chat is on fire. I know talk G Giga Chad Giga goat.
What do they know you from? This is so strange. They know I think
this guy's King sometimes he knows me from the Medici Jenny lives
right okay, we're at 94 guys keep it going doesn't take any time it
doesn't cost anything just hit the like button please. Just Zakouma
Lau Hayden
smash the like button subscribe yes and hit the notification bell
Thank you. So that's a you know what we're supposed to be saying
here is my eel is a UFC fighter apparently. All right.
Okay, almost there. He says we're almost there. Come on guys. Come
on. You don't need to make this last long.
And if you've already hit the like button and subscribe you came in
and you did what she was supposed to do. You can also go to
Instagram type in the city of Alameen just check out right hold
on right there
and hit a brother with a follow
that's it
you can do that as we wait for the we get to this one on one
yeah
we got it levy says we got it. Okay cool under the law. All right
then. So let's turn this down in sha Allah and brother it's my I'm
ready. With the typing up. Tell us what you bring to the table in sha
Allah.
I will be firstly by this man
30 But you're not married right?
No. What do you bring to the table? Oh, we gotta ask brother.
You got any kids?
Great. Great. You great if you do. Kids are blessing but we got to
ask them to jump now. I don't have any kids I've never been married.
Oh never been married. No, I've never been one point. My brother's
my I hope you will apologize. Apologies allow your brother to
interrupt for a moment.
Thank you for the sister who listened when I requested to go
over and give a brother a follow on IG salute to you and thank you.
Apologies my brother is my Ill continue. My brother is my elder
does not have children that has not been married yet.
Okay.
Let's go.
What I think I bring to the table would only be valued by certain
type of woman
First of all, is the deen. Obviously, I'm not a scholar,
I'm learning about it. And
I'm improving on it. That's the most important thing. I'm on that
journey. I'm on that path. Striving. So
any sister who would want to who is on that path is going to move,
I think faster with me and get to further places.
And it's improvement as well. You know, I think I have this period
of a teacher
when somebody is really putting in the effort, if they even if they
don't know how to do it.
I'm somebody who is extremely patient with those who have
willingness. But at the same time, I'm very impatient with those who
it looks like they just don't want what you bring to the table is the
positives, let's stay focused, because I'm typing it.
So I've got patient you recognize effort.
Teacher, yeah, driving on.
Protect protection in both the physical way, and
spiritual and mental way. Because
even though women do need protection,
physically, from you know, being external dangerous, they also need
protection from themselves.
And when I say protection from themselves is you know, sometimes
a woman needs to be calm down, because she's all in her emotions.
And she needs somebody to be an emotional anchor
you know, what can I just give you some some some game? I can be an
emotional anchor hits different to sometimes women need to be calm
down, just saying, just saying sisters, let me know in the chat.
If you found a difference between those two, they bring different
type of energy anyway, carry on emotional anchor. Yes.
And, yeah, you're right. I think women hate when they hear, you
know, calm down. But every woman likes to think that she's an
exception. So when you're speaking with a sister directly, don't say
to her, You women do this or will always do that, because trust and
believe her first impulse is to say no, I'm not like that. I'm
different. Even though it may apply to her 100% She's not going
to appreciate being lumped in with the whole amateur Ness, you know,
like the hole in this air. So it's better for you to speak directly
and say I'll be your emotional ankle I can be or whatever, and
make general statements about what women need. She knows she needs
it. And it's fine. Carry on.
Appreciate your game system.
So in the same
spirit, reassurance, guidance
and
it's pretty much what I came with. Okay. You got any tangibles?
You're talking about materialistic things like money the not
materialistic, just material not materialistic, which is a judgment
material Jonnie Are you responsible? Are you a saver
financially literate are you working you know? Yeah.
Right.
I am working actually, I'm in corporate sales and
I am currently
working on starting my own business on the side.
So that I can
work basically I want to work from home, so that I can move to
another country preferably a Muslim country, where one I can
save my religion and two, the cost of living usually is is
is more favorable to me being the provider of the family.
So, instead of trying to go against inflation, when inflation
starts I just you know, move to another place where I can get this
edge
of
getting money from certain currency and living in another
place where you know my purchasing power is is higher and I can have
more comfortable like
strategic yeah
nice umbrella Alright, so this is what brother is my believes that
he brings to the table guys, brother, NASA. Do you have a
comment? While I put this in the chat and then brother is Maya, we
want you to line up what you expect your spouse to bring to the
table in sha Allah
I would be interested in your response to a comment that said
30 and never married red flag
if you have to, but you know, that was a comment that was put in here
by sister so I thought it was interesting.
Yeah, yeah, I think with the sisters confuse.
And this is actually a great a great point. Sister confused two
things, never been married
and never had the possibility of getting married.
And those are two different things.
Meaning that
someone who never had the opportunity to get married? Yeah,
I get it. It's a red flag, you're 30 years old, you never had the
opportunity to get married, like.
But at the same time, if I'm not married by 30
I think the legitimate question is, is not a red flag. It's to say
why.
And the reason why I'm not married
is because, and it's a
it's about what I want a woman to bring to the table.
So what I do have is non negotiables. Right? There are
things that cannot go past. I tried to, I cannot go past those
things.
And I really try.
The issue was for me, and maybe this is my environment is why I'm
looking elsewhere now, because in my environment, I couldn't find
this.
So there are five things that were non negotiables. For me, the first
one was chastity.
It's really
a big issue because
a lot of sisters, when you talk about that they're like, you know,
what, if a sister repented, what if this what is that they always
talk about the exception, I'm talking about the majority.
The majority is SR over here where I met.
They,
a lot of them have had experiences with men.
And the issue is
I'm too jealous for that. I'm too jealous to handle the the thought
of another man touching you.
So I cannot handle it. Some brothers might, you know be able
to, to handle that. And that's great for them. And I wish I was
like them, but I'm not. So chastity is non negotiable for me,
because I tried marrying a sister who was not chased in a king and
bite me later on. So we couldn't get married. Because it was a
it was really bothering. The second thing is, I want a woman
who fears Allah. This is something also that I forgot to say about
bringing to the table. I talked about the deen. But the fear of
Allah is something. Unfortunately, a lot of people nowadays men and
women don't care about viewing. They don't bring that security to
the table where you know, this person I could leave for months,
and then not going to go behind my back because they feel loved.
Unfortunately, this is not something that is to be taken for
granted nowadays. Because it's becoming more and more rare.
I bring that to the table. A lot of women have pursued me because
they know or they believe I bring that to the table.
I want a moment who brings that to the
brother a smile I have to ask because it's all the people asking
in the chat your when you want to a chaste woman. They want to know
what your situation is. Are you chased? Or you just want your wife
to be chased? MANISH I have to ask because it's in the chat. Lots of
people have asked Yeah, I know. That's, you know, everybody does
that when I say that? Tell me how you chase yourself. And the
answer. Obviously, one cannot openly talk about this since but
I'm gonna
give you an analogy so that you can understand.
If you ask somebody, have you ever drink alcohol? And if you ask
somebody, have you ever been drunk? I've never been drunk in my
life.
Have I tried to drink alcohol?
You know, I would say yes.
But every time like protecting me, something crazy would happen. You
know, the bottle would break. Somebody would take the bottom and
run away with it.
The glass would break. I withdraw. Allah protecting me to the point
where I was like okay,
Allah is protecting me. I'm not going to go past those limits.
And then, you know,
I took a step back, repented hamdulillah and so I'm in the
position where
chastity
I mean, yes and no at the same time.
Okay, it's a really weird situation that I could not explain
to you clearly without giving you exposing myself that up, TMI,
you're good with what you've offered already. Guys, you don't
get to have any more of brother a smile on this issue. He's given
you something, make it what you will anyway, you guys are not
having a conversation with him for marriage. So just mind your
business. Okay, so hamdulillah so let's see what she needs to bring
to the church, Michelle love
and
respect because I was introduced to sisters who had chastity, and
they were good looking. And
but the thing was, they didn't have respect.
You know, one of them was like,
I got character, you know? And I was like, so what does that mean?
And she said, You know, I could, I could just say some words when I'm
angry. I was like, what words? And she said, I could say, I'm just
gonna go with the acronym. I could say, sta Fu,
or GT FOH.
Nice to my husband. I was like, do you talk like that to your father?
She says not same thing.
She said, It's not the same thing. I said, it is the same thing.
Because if you can control your mouth, in front of your father,
you can control your mouth when you have your husband.
As she was like ticket to leave it. I'm not going to change for
men. And
oh, I say I'll leave, you know.
Oh, wow. Okay, that that went from zero to quit, you wouldn't even
get a response.
All right.
Yeah,
what else? What else? What else the higher. I don't want to be
walking with a woman
next to me.
And we out there in the streets. And she's showing.
She's showing herself she's showing her body, she's displaying
it for everyone to see. There's like I said, I'm too jealous for
that.
I'm way too jealous for that. I want a woman that has that
bashfulness of protecting herself. Nationally, her body,
not showing her beauty to strangers. That's one thing.
But it's also, you know, the behavior I want. I want that to be
batched from this into behave. For example, if I meet a brother, and
let's say we are running errands, and I run into a brother. So the
Maalik mom comes around, how are you doing? I don't want her to sit
there and look at me and stand next to us.
I can move go to some other place have higher. And it sounds basic.
But you would be surprised how many brothers I run into when
their wives is just stuck there looking at it.
You know, and this was something that I would
that I would not be able to handle. And the last thing for me
that is non negotiable.
Is there needs to be a threshold of attractiveness.
It needs to be attraction on both sides, obviously. But
if if she cannot make it past that threshold of I'm attracted enough
to want to be with her, then yeah, it's going to be a problem even
though she might have everything else.
Oh, I want to push back. Because although you've spoken I, brother
now so I don't know whether you're hearing the same thing that I'm
hearing. But I hear a lot of I don't want this and I don't want
that. And I don't want this and I don't want that right. And you've
you've shot you painted the scenarios of explain why you don't
want this or that. But actually from your list, all you have is
respect higher and attractiveness. So are we to believe right now
whether it's my elder in your five years of looking or however long
it's been, you have not managed to find a Muslim sister who has
respect higher is attractive and is chaste. Is that the case?
Every time I said it sounds crazy. Because
you know, people in the chat who are from friends that do more
simply
tell her
how it is over there. It's crazy over here.
attractiveness
respect
Chestatee
hire
fearful law all in the same person now I've never met
Wow, you need to think I think brothers man needs to come just go
over the channel, go to London, go to the UK and you know set himself
up maybe you can come for the event there's going to be like a
marriage event on Saturday night. Isn't there brother Nasser?
Mashallah, it might be worth talking to me in that
age range.
Below 30
I'm flexible, but below 30. You know,
she's 18. Anywhere between 18 to 2029 30. Not Not, not any
1829 1829 and never married.
Yeah, never marry.
Unless, unless,
unless she's widow with no kids.
That that is something that I could accept.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
That's crazy. We're not when I say I've never I've never run to a
woman like that.
I don't think it sounds crazy.
I would just say to you,
it doesn't sound crazy, because I know brothers that are
same age range. Never been married in a good position in life career
wise. And they're saying the same thing. Wow. So no, it doesn't, it
doesn't sound crazy. Sometimes they find systems that aren't
chairs that, you know, have come back to the dean or aren't chairs
and haven't come back to the dean and,
and what have and I thought, I want to say this, though. I want
to say this, though. I'll say after just the name of Mexico.
I just would like to address this point here. So firstly,
is this what you guys are getting? Okay, so if brothers money was my
son, and he came to me, and he said, Mom, I'm looking right. But
this is what I'm finding. Okay, this is what's happening.
My honest, sincere advice was you're looking in the wrong
places. Because I know for a fact that there are chaste Muslim
girls, beautiful girls, raised in good families who know how to act.
I know that, right? I have friends who have daughters, who are who
fit the criteria. We have younger sisters in the community who fit
the criteria. So I would just say, you may be looking in the wrong
places, son, that could be one of the answers. Another answer could
be maybe you're trying to you're looking for the unicorn, right?
You're looking for that. That sister who has you know, all her
Dean, she's chased. She's humble, she's respectful. She has the
higher, but she looks like an IG model. Right. And that might be I
don't know if this is the case. But I do think that a lot of men
nowadays may may have a problem with this because especially
especially if, and this is not cool brothers male, this is a
general a general and let's see, hmm. If guys, brothers, if you are
looking at those women, and if you are attracted to those women, IG
models, etc. You know, the ones I'm talking about? Remember that
you are you are programming your brain to find that attractive that
look, which, to all intents and purposes is most of the time of
fake look. Okay? There's all sorts of things involved in it. There's
makeup, there's enhancers, there's fillers, there's filters, there's
all sorts of, but if you are looking at that type of material,
and you find that kind of woman attractive and in your mind, you
dream of your perfect wife or looking like that Euston, we have
a problem. Because the girls in the community who dressed like
that, who do their makeup like that, right, who are comfortable
in that space. I'm not gonna say all of them, but they may not be
the chaste, humble, respectful girl that you're looking for.
Yeah, they're on something else. Right. So if if anyone who's
listening finds that they're looking for a sister who wears in
the pub and gentle bourbon is so Chase has never seen a man who
never dream about a man, but I need her to look like an
Instagram, you know, model. You've got you've got an issue there. And
you may need to do some internal work on maybe detoxing from some
of that maybe asking yourself well, what's really important to
me, if I don't find the IG model who behaves like us or how
Albia am I not going to get married? Is that going to be it
for me? Am I prepared to die on that hill? Or do I need to do some
work on myself? I don't this is just my, what I'm hearing one may
be looking in the wrong places. And to maybe it's a unicorn
situation where you want the best of both in this perfect package. I
don't know. What do you think? I want to ask that. I want to ask
that because the first thing you said about looking in the wrong
places, that might be true, but the place is,
for example, for me, is the country. Yeah.
Dangerous, you know, potentially, potentially. Yeah. Maybe the
places you know about maybe it's in the country you live in? Maybe
it's in the UK? Yeah.
Okay, I get the channel. It's only across the channel. It's like a
Eurostar trip. How was it 40 minutes an hour on the Eurostar,
Yanni.
And the second thing I wanted to say is, it's something that
I should have talked about also, it's a big reason why I haven't
found a woman
because especially over here, but I think everywhere throughout the
West, especially nowadays, because Islam is becoming trendy, I guess.
A lot of what we're facing is, we don't know who's who. So you might
have a woman that isn't what the Virgin, she's putting herself out
there.
displaying her beauty. And she's really out there with the boys
committing Zina long stack.
And there might be the girl that looks the same.
But she she has she's a virgin. She hasn't done anything with any
men. And everybody who's tried has failed miserably. And at the same
time, on the other side, you have women who wear a digital badge.
Then you have
and wore good system.
But you also have sisters wear digital beb *.
And along Stan, how's the biller are doing to worse stuff.
Talking to I don't know how many men committing Zina
if God really this is I think you need to sorry, I don't want to put
this on you. But am I we know you from this platform. Right? You've
been on the live before. And you've mentioned this more than
once and a part of me and now said are you hearing this? No. And I'm
ready to nudge you. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, don't come with don't
come with the you're scarred know the brother just giving you the
full report of what he's seeing. It's not just it's not it's not
just what he's seen. It's what has has taken root here. That is a
part of his thinking. When he looks at the landscape. That's
what he sees. And you know, confirmation bias is what it is,
right in your head. The biggest kind of Boulder is these girls out
here behind, right? Because of this one, and that one and this
one and look at that one. Look at that one. In your mind, all of a
sudden, all the girls are doing that. But is that true? Or is that
a product of the way that you're? Here we go? Here we go. We go.
Here? Well, because it's the same thing. All Muslim men do this.
Right. All the brothers are this. There's no brothers who do this.
The brothers are always doing this. The brothers never do that.
It's it's it's funny. I don't I'm not hearing that. I think what I'm
hearing is what you initially heard when you said maybe he's not
looking in the right location.
So I'm not hearing the scoreboard I'm hearing him seeing and I hope
what he's saying he hears what he's saying is what you said, that
may be the pool that he's searching in, is not the right
pool. So he's seeing, he's reflecting to us what he's seen in
that pool. And I think it's a valid point that you were saying
that maybe you need to look somewhere else.
I want to I think though, I wouldn't go so far to say scarred,
Miss Nyima, what I would say is what might be beneficial though is
to look at yourself and do some self reflection as to why you keep
looking in the same pool for the past five to 10 years, however
long you've been looking to get married. That may be worth it. You
don't I mean? Why do I keep going over here knowing that the sisters
in this area are typically this way. Maybe I need to shift and go
to another area. Or maybe I need to shift who I reached out to in
these areas.
You guys may very well
points, Naima first.
You. So when you talked about the fact that I'm saying all sisters
are like that there was a time in my life a few years back while it
was exactly this way. Because I was I was hurt to see that. It's
so hard to get married because you don't know who's who. And so I was
like no, don't don't do all of this.
Brother said there was a point. He's not there now.
And he said, Brother was on hearing it. Was it there or not?
You know, maybe it's just a remnant of ours. It's over now.
We've moved past it. We've grown, we've evolved. It's fun to carry
on. And then I've got a
comment, he's done the work? Have you done the work for this mine.
He's done the work, he's healed?
Listen, that doesn't
get me out of you.
Listen,
I was saying, back then I was saying not at all like that,
because I was hurt. And then
it was more of a test of my faith. And then I said, You know what,
I'm putting my trust in Allah. Because Allah knows me. He knows
my heart. He knows what I've been through. So he's not going to put
me with one of those sisters who's faking it, if I'm sincere towards
him.
So that was really a test of my faith back then, when I understood
that, and I changed, I was like, not that not all the same.
But it's not.
You can make generalities meaning when I say generalities, I'm
saying you can say the majority is a certain way, in a certain place.
And the fact is that in France, the majority, and when I say
friends, I'm really talking about the whole country. I talk to
brothers all the time from everywhere in France.
And it's the same thing everywhere in France.
So that it took me a lot of time to move out this.
What really made the shift to me was that I was constantly for all
those years looking in this country, in many places, but still
in the same country.
And I knew of a few brothers who got married, but they got married
back home. I'm Algerian, right. Those brothers are either Algerian
or Moroccans, or Tunisians
and then went back home. And his brothers who have a real past
life, there's no doubt about their chastity. They don't have they
repented that hamdulillah
but they have a terrible past and on they didn't but they found
really decent women.
And then they all told me and we it was recently was this summer,
they'll tell me bro, you're wasting your time of him and go
back home is crazy. You will not believe the pool of women. There's
over there. I was like oh word so yeah, that's a Mounties. I told my
cousin. I said listen, go from your wife.
Go from your wife. And they've shown me a few profiles and you
know so far.
I'm still I'm still looking around. I guess they're looking
around for me and in December inshallah I plan to go over there
and make that move. But yes, I was looking in the wrong place. But I
didn't know the whole country was rotten like that.
Go from Paris to Toulouse to I don't know these and somewhere
else and see Mobilia and see if you can find something good. Yeah,
monopoly is probably the worst place you can look for. Okay,
sorry. I mentioned sorry. Anyone in Montpelier
Hello, brother. It's fine. Listen, we got to let you go in sha Allah
does that calculus fair for you?
We've got lots of people now ready to tell us what they bring to the
table so thank you. If you do manage to secure the bag in
Algeria please do let us know in sha Allah may Allah bless you
anyway
right Does that clarify and guys okay, so now we have to be really
strict now because otherwise we're gonna have a four hour stream
today but then I said How you doing? You need to get some
coffee.
So I just want to add some spice to it to my brother as my while
you're there, go ahead and get to
don't just
need to make up for lost time. Right because he's 30 and he
hasn't even okay.
I'm sorry. Bruv Yeah, exactly. Well, he's he's French though. So
it may not be may not wash for them.
Thanks,
guys. The francophones tell us how do they make of house? What do
they say instead of saying bro or bruv?
Let us know. See you you need to give back some of that super chat
because you've caused a problem now. She got arrogant this year on
again. Hey, oh, sorry. No, no, no
she got arrogant on that. Let's see it again. Okay, so I thought
she was I thought they were flaming me but actually they're
flaming you oh never claimants she got arrogant this year on again
Never mind. Am I no, no, no, we can't get sidetracked guys. We
need to bring Bobby rock man here. Okay, sorry guys Manish if you
don't like the host and the co host, then you know what to do. So
I just want to make a point though. Earlier when you said
discord. I hope you realize what we see in the chat.
So often now is hurt. He's hurt.
Just check this the chat you'll see is a lot of he's hurt. He's
hurt.
In that look. Now if you scroll up, you'll see the hurt. And now I
just looked at the chat and it says the C is getting revengeful
because he's probably had hurt issues.
That too. Why not? Why not? Why not? Guys, let's all make it about
brother Nasir. Even though he's happily married and hamdulillah
Hello.
It's amazing. It's amazing.
Okay, let's go Bobby recommend someone a COVID.
Hello, how are you? Alhamdulillah I'm very well, is that Hello?
Hayden. We've been seeing you in the comments. But we've never had
you on a live before. Yeah, you know, tell us Yeah. Are
you married or not married?
I was married a long time ago, a long time ago. As my long time
ago, and unfortunately, it didn't work out. So long. So it's a long
story.
So yeah,
long story. How old? Are you brother?
Yeah. 737.
Okay. So your elder then I guess so. Yeah.
So if somebody was to ever ask you the question, Bobby, what do you
bring to the table? What are you bringing to the relationship? What
would you say? I'm, I'm taking notes here, brother NASA. Do you
want to take over the kind of the questioning while I take the notes
inshallah? Yeah, no.
Look, it's we've been two hours and 27 minutes, we appreciate you
coming on, but we have to have a time limit. What do you bring to
the table? And then what do you need a system to bring to the
table in a concise manner, the fluid,
you know, thing, in a relationship, when we need to be
practical, we need to be balance, practical, I mean,
not to have too much of expert expectations. So, if I was to get
married again,
I'm going to show a emotional support, emotional support,
provide for
understanding patients
being kind towards her.
If she does anything wrong, I will say like, you know, it's better if
you do it that way.
It's better if you do that. Advice. If she does not listen,
then I need to
I need to hold back myself and sue her back myself. And, and until,
you know, it's up to advise you but you're not listening. And
these things and
in relationship, you know, in relationship you need to be more
understanding, compromise, sacrifice.
Some, you know, relationship is like a weather. Sometimes it's
gonna rain. Sometimes it's funny, some sometimes it's windy, a
spring. So there's ups and downs, and
also practical. It's especially with women, sometimes it's the
sisters then the mood swings. Sometimes she's going to have a
bad day.
Sometimes she's going to be in a happy mood. So a husband he needs
to be from the gentle beam be more understanding
very much
my brother
things you bring to the table
okay, I've got I've got let me tell you what, I have emotional
support on this.
Standing. Patience, compromising sacrifice, accepting, practical
and gentle. That's what I've got.
That's it. Got it. Okay. Question for you. We need tangibles. Yes.
Yeah. You bring anything to the table? Sorry. You bring in any
paper to the table? How are you financially? Are you in a good
position? Are you able to provide for a family house and home? Or
are you going to need her to work? What are you talking? What can we?
Yeah. So, me as a, okay, I work as a graphic designer. Okay, so I
work for ages zero. As a work, I work as a graphic designer.
Okay, so far. So financially, I'm very stable,
and you know, hungry.
So, I've got, I've got my place to live, I've got my own, I've got my
own flat. And I need to have some financial, really stable. And
yeah,
I can look up sci fi. I mean, I can recover from my wife.
I can provide for food, clothing, shelter, buy gifts, you know,
sometimes buy a gift, or buy as expensive gift. But as me as a
person, I'm a very generous person. So I'm not miser.
But I like to eat out sometimes, you know, take outside, maybe
traveling, charity, charity events, these things so we can
kind of do things together as, as husband and wife.
I mean, do a lot of our work on these things.
suggestion. Yeah.
So elevator elevator speeches, you don't mean you should be able to
explain in 10 to 11 seconds. Right? Which a program is what
your goal is, right? Like 11 seconds. And so when I asked you
is your people, you bring it into paper to the table. It sounds as
though you're in a good situation financially.
So all you need to come back and say he's not she good. She ain't
got to work.
Period, I'll take anything she needs.
And
you know, I mean, then you can elaborate on that. But you got you
kind of, you know, there's gonna be, you know, 1000s of people that
are watching this. They don't want to like this now she could
I can retire is good.
You don't mean that? I gave you that in five seconds.
We on to the next question. Because reality is you're in a
good position, and you can have that level of confidence because
Allah has blessed you and you put in the work to be in the position
you're in.
Yeah.
So another question. So now, what are five things she needs to bring
to the table?
She needs to be understanding
gentle kindness.
She needs to be kind of compromise.
And she needs to
be humble.
She needs to be humble. She needs to be understanding. Understanding
she needs to be practical.
She needs to be I love for you what I love for myself.
Yeah.
I would, I would suggest you mentioned understanding a couple
of times. You mentioned
something analogous to understanding a couple of times
heavy you and you're 3770 37 Do you have any children?
Yes, yes. We should have asked that. Okay, how many how many kids
I'm going to see shared custody or living with them so what's the
situation shared custody like are you involved with them with them
as a father or what's the situation see them I'll see them
I'll see them
I see them 100
Okay my brother Bobby I want I want for you what I love myself we
you need I would strongly suggest
it doesn't have to be with me you can be it's plenty of brothers out
here that can help you but you need to go over your delivers
because I mean this respectfully
I mean this respectfully as my brother
that was a terrible answer.
Because it was I see them
it was kind of flat
you know I mean the the question is you know how are you there you
providing you see them
Like, you know, yeah, Hamdulillah I see my kids quite often I see
them a few times out of the week hamdulillah I'm providing for
them. My kids are good.
They don't need anything. I'm there.
Even though I'm not living with them. Again, that's a three
sentence for us. And it's a minute flat that we lose Bobby. It looks
like we did. Yeah. Apologies, Bobby. No disrespect to you. But I
think I think you
are financially in a good situation. I would just suggest
you need to work on delivery.
Because it's very wordy, and I don't think you need to be as
wordy.
Okay,
just o'clock head on. Bobby. Thank you so much for joining us live
just like Hello, Hayden.
I need to know who who is waiting. Do we have any ladies? Do we have
any sisters? Or are they all brothers? Because I've got
Abdullah? Summer. We got fatter. We've got Kenny
263 is a brother as well. Any sisters? Oh, the chat is asking
for sisters. But anyway, let's go with
263 we will what we'll try to do is circle back to you Bobby In
short, a lot. Okay, just hang tight, we may not be able to
because the stream is already very long. But let's hear from Sister
Kenny, to hear what you bring to the table. My love Sally come
out? How are you doing this?
Can you hear me? Yes, we can. How are you? How are
you? I'm good.
Sorry, I'm just new to this. This is the discussion that
is to like, it's not a marriage problem. It's not? It's just a
scenario where we just advertising our credentials. Oh, no, it's
actually specific. It's not actually like a marriage profile
show we're doing, we're talking about what we bring to the table
and what we would like our significant others to bring to the
table, do you and it's for married and not unlike unmarried, because
we're trying to get brothers and sisters to get a get a get a view
really on? What are the other side ones? Or what's working for them?
Or what they've learned along the way? Do you have somebody that you
want to share?
Um, I think first and foremost, the most crucial factor of
marriage. And I've learned through 18 years of marriage is
respect.
I don't think that's done yet. As Yeah, that's fine.
I don't think as an Asian woman,
I had to monitor that enough. And I cannot
reiterate, and stress enough, that sister out there and brothers need
to definitely demand when the lines being crossed.
Because sometimes respect can be seen or disrespect. being
disrespected, can be misunderstood as in, you know, you're gonna be
patient when someone falls short. Or when they cross a certain
boundary, you're gonna remain patient and patient. And then
you're told certain scenarios, which are deemed as really
disrespectful. So therefore you haven't really been disrespected
that makes you think about, you know, other people and what
they've been through. And so is this is this? Is this something
that you are saying you expect from a spouse or something that
you bring to the table, just so we can stay on the same page with
everybody?
Okay, all right, more. So when you have a spouse that was raised in
more of a misogynist type of upbringing, where respect wasn't
valued. And if you were disrespected, and you tolerated
that disrespect, you were a martyr. So I feel like that
narrative is so it's just so embedded in the culture that we
have, that nothing really becomes like nothing can get resolved.
Because when you explain to someone an elder, when you're in a
situation where you feel demoralized or you feel
disrespected,
you'll then confronted with
so and so has been disrespected in this way. Therefore, you know,
it's minor. So I think the even if even if it feels minor to you, you
feel disrespected in a minor way. I feel like that should
always be a discussion, I should be communicated with your other
half.
I don't think respect and that line should never be crossed. And
if it is, if they do fall short, then a discussion needs to happen.
It shouldn't just be broken on the carpet because it does escalate to
a point where you disrespected. And
it gets, it goes so far, that even your spouse isn't aware. Sure,
sure. How disrespectful he can be. So yeah, I just, I just thought
I'd share my thoughts regarding that feel like
it fair enough. Yeah. Because
thank you so much. Can I ask you a question? Your your your cohort of
friends, sisters? Are they married?
Yep.
Any sisters that are not married?
Know,
most of your friends how long have they been married?
I mean, you're quite young. So
ATSA, about 1515 years 15 to 18.
Okay, how haven't really kept much friends, I've just kept a couple.
And I feel like
they have very sacred marriages and relationships. And I feel like
again,
when I felt that some ladies who some of the wives that were
demanding respect, at that time, and it cause it was causing
dissension and causing, they were seen as being problematic. But I
felt like they were early on able to set a boundary demanded
respect. And I feel like now they're at a different stage.
But the ladies and a couple of my friends that didn't, that were a
bit more passive in that regard
to dealing with
a completely set a different set of problems now. Yeah.
Whereas if, if those boundaries were consolidated early on,
they may not be facing these problems today. Yeah, no, I just
started thank you so much for your contribution sis and I definitely
think
a very interesting topic for us to discuss in future brother Nelson
would be respect and what both parties or different people
consider to be respect and disrespect which is really
important because it does differ. I think men and women
different people, so thank you so much says we're gonna keep it
moving because we've got to get through all of these other people
but thank you so much. Does that clock here and he listening? Yeah,
um, you can think
know, let's have a brother and then a sister up next, inshallah.
Brother has been waiting for ages. I'm not sure is this cove F F.
Channel?
What are they come slam with love. It's really nice to be on the
panel. Mashallah. And Hamdulillah. Patience is a virtue. So it's not
a problem. It's a very interesting.
Yeah, yeah. 100 Allah, it's not a probability. That is a please, can
these guys be concise? Can they answer the question, we really
want to know exactly what they bring to the table and what
they're looking for. So I don't know. Will you do that for us
tonight? Or have you? Yeah, of course, I keep you really short on
short and short and sweet, as they say.
The one of the manners of the prophesy salaam, when you used to
speak You speak very concise. And that's what I intend to do. I'd be
married, have a two wives and Ethiopian wife and a Pakistani
wife and they both live with me Alhamdulillah. And the reason I
married them is because of the religious beliefs because they
prayed there on the fifth row of toe heat, and so forth. And I knew
they're going to raise my children upon the correct Aqeedah.
Unfortunately, that what this is what I bring to the table, I bring
my experience. And having loads of patients having having one wife is
quite, of course, demanding, but having to and having some type of
authority within the household. It's very important and I earn the
trust from my wife, I earn the respect because I work for both of
them. I don't expect them to go anywhere. It's my job as a man to
provide and I'd fully do it I've got six eight children at
hamdulillah and I provide I dropped them off, pick them up,
you name it, I do it. That hamdulillah and I'm for me,
sadaqa. For me, it's maybe an explanation of my sins, but I've
probably did in the past. So every penny I have a gift to my father.
I knew I had to keep anything in my wallet. So Hamdulillah I think
I bring a lot to the table. But I think I think I just want to give
advice to the brothers and sisters. Unfortunately, what I've
been hearing is that some of these, some of the brothers
sisters who have been speaking, they sound like children, they
really sound like teenagers. And these are these are brothers
sisters may be in their 20s and 30s. And to me, they sound like
teenagers. And I don't know what they expect from a from a from a
wife or a spouse. The main thing is that the woman prays for an
older sister prays, and so on, you can educate your children, it
looks it's not a real issue, none of my wives wear makeup, if they
want to wear makeup within the household, they can not a problem
at all. They look beautiful without makeup. hamdulillah the
Beauty for me is their belief and the way they raise my children.
And the reflection I see of my wife and my children at
Hamdulillah. I am happy more than happy with my relationships. I've
handled a load on Billa mean.
So you think that everybody's got their standards are too high?
They've got too much criteria, what do you think is going on? I
think it's a bit of childish behavior. I think, unfortunately,
that we expect too much. We on social media, we expect a wife
that's going to be a particular way. And a lot of people like you
mentioned earlier sister that they expect two unicorns. And of course
unicorns don't exist. And it's it's it's very sad to hear the
brother speaking about France and stuff. And he's blanket statement
about all the sisters in, in France or in this particular
category. And it's haram to say that, you know, to accuse chaste
women of even suspecting a chaste woman to commit Zina, yo, you're
gonna get lust for that, you know, so we have to refrain from
mentioning these things and has not been thinking good about a
brother or a sister. That's what we need to do. And why you
approach the system. If you want to know about the sister or the
brother, you speak to the parents, you speak to the parents, you
don't even get the system involved. You get straight to the
parents and the parents are the ones who give the the reference
regarding the daughter or the or the or the sun. So I don't know
why these brothers are always you know, popping around. They're
popping head round corners, looking at Sisters, you're not
supposed to do that approach the parents in short Latona I hope
waffled on too much. Oh, no, no waffling at all. Now waffling
detected, so what do you expect your wives to bring to the table
then? Because everyone is loving you in the chat. Especially some
of the sisters were a little bit disgruntled before, which is very
interesting.
They definitely are like, they're loving what you have to say, guys,
let me know what it is exactly what you're that you're that
you're loving so much because the everyone is extremely happy. So
what do you expect your spouse's to bring to the table, they pray,
all you want them to do. All I want them to do is please Allah
subhanaw taala, to worship the Lord to educate my children.
That's the main concern sexual desires and everything. It's
Pastor. First thing is that when I have my children, I know they are
in safe hands. After that hamdulillah my, my children and my
wife come first. You know, I'm I'm willing to sacrifice my life. I
was in the military for 15 years, and the British Army and the
United Nations. And I've experienced combat and I know what
life's about. So for me, it's my wife and my children. And as for
me, you know, I'm not into materialistic things. I'm not into
fancy cars. I'm not into anything. Any money I have in my one, my
wallet, well, lucky, I always give it to my family. I'm not a stingy
person. So as for the wives you mentioned, sorry, stuff.
I'm focusing on myself. But my wives are, like I said, once
African, Ethiopian, and the other one is from Pakistan. And what do
they bring? You say? Because I've got here Subhan Allah, and to
educate your children, what else do you expect from them?
respect and loyalty.
And they do that have the logo below the mean, I pray that they
will mean in paradise insurance, for me that without my wife, I am
nothing. And this is what we as men we have to accept. If you have
righteous wife, your wife or your backbone, they are your best
friends. You don't need any friends. Apart from your wives and
your children. You don't need any friends. So what they bring to the
table is more than enough Alhamdulillah for what they do,
how to educate my children and look after my children, look after
my wife, and so forth. What more does a man need from that after
that? So paella Lena brothers.
Sorry. My question is what specifically that the brothers
mentioned before, seemed
immature or childish or teenagers. I'm not really sure the wording
that you used. Yeah, I think there's too many ifs and buts what
I like this, what I would like that, as a Muslim everything has
to be reflected reflected back to the Quran and the Sunnah.
How did the Prophet Salam marry his wife? What did he look for?
What did you advise the Muslim men to look for when they married
sister? Yeah, have you? I mean this respectfully because I am
deferring to you because I think you're older than me.
But I'm trying to be very specific with the question. What exactly
about what the brothers mentioned before?
That to you was a bit immature, specific? Okay. Okay. The
strongest point, which, to be honest, I kind of like felt
strongly towards is when you blanket everybody as the same,
just through one negative experience. Like I mentioned
earlier, Habibi, actually, is
when you claim that all women are a certain way. And in reality that
maybe not, but you've made that allegation already. And now you
got to stand in front of Allah subhanaw taala. To answer that
particular remark that you made, what I Okay, let me break it down.
I think the brothers are they talk too much expect too much.
Basically, that's why I want to say I think they speak much. Look,
I think there's something here, I want to nudge you a little bit
more, if you don't.
Um,
what exactly? Do you mean? What are some of those things that you
heard that you think the brothers are asking too much for? I think,
what I what I took from you, one of the things that I think that
I'm hearing and please correct me. And again, I mean this
respectfully, I think one of the things that I heard from you is,
you feel as though there might be too much weight being put on
attraction.
Right? On Beauty. But other than that, what else? Did you hear
that?
Besides besides brothers, making generalizations because I think
that's a separate issue.
But what do you what exactly are priorities for them? That you feel
may be
immature? Okay. So, like I mentioned at the beginning,
everything has to be based upon the Quran and the Sunnah. So
before they marry, or they decide to get married, they have to check
the woman's religion, everything based on religion, and I and when
I was listening to these brothers, may Allah protect all of them and
give them righteous spouses and children. I mean, is that I think
they are asking for too much a unicorn like the sister mentioned,
I really think they're looking for the unicorn, if they are concerned
regarding a particular Sr. is always get a reference just like
buying a car, you need a reference before you buy a car. I hope I'm
answering the question. Am I on the right track there?
Look, again, I mean, this respectfully, I, I just want to
say I, the reason why I'm nudging you is in the chat, it was said
and it's easy. If it's said there's there's a narrative that
can be said that brothers are asking for too much. But I think
as I'm nudging you a little bit more, I'm not really hearing from
you. Okay, so, besides attractiveness, what the brothers
have asked us for that's too much, because, honestly, from what I've
heard from these brothers that have come up so far, I don't think
anyone is asking too much. I haven't heard someone that's come
out and says something that's completely left field. Right?
We can disagree on how much weight should be given to attraction.
But besides that, I, I haven't heard any brother come up and ask
for something that's
brothers as versus to be understanding to be respectful.
To be loyal.
If anything, my critique of the brothers that have come up is they
haven't been too
precise. They haven't been detailed enough to seem to be
understanding understanding of what
right Interesting, interesting. So again, heavy I just want to I just
want to say look, obviously you're entitled to your perspective. And
I mean, it's respectfully but I just to me, I haven't heard from
these previous brothers. Anything that is
out of the realm of
possible
No, no, I just think I just think I firstly we really value your
your viewpoint as somebody who is managing two women in the same
house with children.
I mean, listen, props to you and your family. May Allah bless you.
I don't think anybody here on this call has got those types of
credentials. So you know, we appreciate your perspective. And I
think that what I see so I don't know your situation but what I see
is you have How long have you been married at from like the longest
period? My my first wife may Allah bless and protect her. She's 51
She's one year older than me. My second wife, she's 37 She
hamdulillah and how long was the longest marriage? How long is my
first wife and my daughter when I was 16 and 61
Okay, well, I can Okay.
Okay, I'm sorry. This is a unicorn situation and guys just let
putting you all on notice in the comments and in the chat and
mashallah brother. This is a unicorn situation because if you
look at the logistics and the statistics of your situation,
masha Allah Tabata Kala, I'm sure you have beaten many different
odds, right of early marriage, marrying at such a young age
making it all the way to 50 something so you've been together
for helped me out somebody 30 something years, and then to have
married again, and your first marriage survive that and there
were two women live together. And you all are raising the kids
together and you're providing this thing at home. Every woman on here
is going to sign up for that.
So alhamdulillah you've had a very unique experience. And your
approach has has has borne fruit mashallah Tabata cola. And so we
just asked for Allah subhanaw taala to bless you in every way.
And I'm just so I'm so glad that it has worked out for you and it
continues to work out for you. And I want to say to everybody in the
chat, remember, everyone who comes on here, the lay people, just the
hosts, the experts, everybody's opinions will be colored by their
lived experience, we can't help it. Right? And mashallah, brother
here, you see his lived experience, so he can speak very
confidently on you know, his advice and what's worked for him
because this has what's worked for him Mashallah. Somebody else will,
you know, feel maybe like, no, that's that that advice doesn't
work. Because what I did it, this is what happened, blah, blah,
blah, you know, so just bear that in mind. Everybody. There isn't
one person on any of these calls, that is going to have the truth
and the advice that everyone follows. Okay, that makes sense
for everyone. But you have given us such food for thought I'm gonna
give one advice before I go to that. Yes. Okay. Okay. This is the
secret to my marriage. hamdulillah marriages are, I never argue, I
never ever argue with my wife. What I normally say is when I can
see an argument and the star is okay, what's the end point? What's
the there's just skip the argument? Let's get right to the
end. What is it you want to do? For example, guys, this is going
to be a funny story. I'm sorry. I don't want to take too much time.
My wife went to the My second wife wanted a bunk bed. Right? And but
she only had one in mind. Okay, but she made me go around shops
for about two three days looking for a book but but she already had
one in mind. And I knew she had already on your mind. But I was
waiting for her to tell me. So three days went past and every
phone shop I went through. She never liked the bunk bed. So I
said, I'm Julia. I'm Julia. How can we never like the bunk beds?
It wasn't about the money. She goes. Yeah, but like this one?
I'll go which one? And then she showed me the book. I'm like, what
he told me that at the beginning, do you understand? But I already
knew that she already liked this, but I just wanted to see her
reaction because she thought I was gonna get angry or upset. But I
started giggling. I started digging about it because for me, I
don't want to sound controversial, but sometimes I treat my wives as
my best friends like they are they are my best friends. And of course
when you have your best friends, you have good goals and you have
luck and stuff but you don't argue and nothing. Because you know
you're gonna make up at the end. But this is the secret brother and
sisters never get into argument. If you get angry this go out the
house, go for a walk, go to the gym. They never say a bad word.
Never say a bad word regarding your spouse's because one day they
remind you about that, and then we'll make the situation worse.
It'd be a snowball effect. Never speak bad about your sponsors.
Always say a kind word. And don't be stingy with your money. Don't
be stingy with your money brothers and sisters. Were especially the
brothers give as much as you can Baraka Luffy calm. Zach alQaeda.
Thank you so much, brother, og husband guys
with a very simple secret as well. hamdulillah thank you so much,
brother.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
hamdulillah Oh, the chat
is on fire as always, as always, okay, let's go to okay, we can
only take two more people guys, because it's super late so we'll
have another 40 Because he's been waiting to just get the likes up
guys. And please if you found any benefit in the content feel free
to buy those copies to send the Super Chat or the super thanks
inshallah the super stickers we are open for all of it in Sharla.
Brother Fatty. So I want radicals Hello. How are you guys?
hamdulillah hamdulillah let's hear what you bring to the table my
brother. Straight up, I'll just make it concise what I bring to
the table
leadership
masterplan for, you know how to build an empire for this dunya and
akhira insha? Allah? Sorry, I'm losing my voice.
Excuse me?
That's too, right. Yes, it is. Shelter. And not only physical,
emotional and mental as well.
The money, of course, and the food to put on the table. Right?
So we've got leadership, we've got a master plan for dunya and
akhira. We've got shelter, both physical and emotional about
money, we got food, all right, what does she need to bring to the
table?
Respect.
Understanding
what a man is.
Knowing how to give and not know not only how to receive
that that's three, right?
Knowing how to be a mother, of course, that that comes with, you
know, knowledge. You can't just have it off the bat. It's a work
in progress, but knowing how to learn to be a good mother
and
know how to cook, I would say.
All right, so I've got respect, understanding, understanding what
a man is. Does that mean that she's aware of her role as a
woman?
A man is
speaking out of experience. And from what I've seen around me, of
course, because as you mentioned, a lot of people will come into
chat not well, in the calls with life experience, right?
So here where I am, the problems that I see in my generation is
that some I'm not going to generalize, of course, not. Some
of the problems that I've seen in marriages, or in some to be
husband and wife is that it's one sided lots at a time, whether it's
the woman not understanding what her role is, and not understanding
what her partner role would be, or should be not understanding the
other side, pretty much. And it goes both ways. I've seen it from
the sisters and from the brothers as well. Right?
So it's really understanding the perspective of what it is to be a
team because that's essentially what it is. Right?
But yeah, that's, that sums it up pretty much. That's what I meant
by that. Okay.
How old are you?
3434. Any kids? No kids. previously married? Yes. Okay.
What's the age range?
What do you mean by the age range? Meaning age range for the sister
that you're looking for?
Under 40?
Okay, you so you don't mind if she's older? No. Okay. Okay. I'm
sorry. You. You said How old are you again? 3434. Okay, so you go
six years up? If she's 40? Yeah. When mine. Okay. Apologies is a
bit late for me. And you said you don't have children? Right. I
don't have children. No. Okay. Interesting question. If you don't
mind, let us probe a little bit. So, sister who is 39 comes to you
meet all of the criteria.
Are you concerned about her being able to give your children? Is
that a concern for you?
If it's a concern, I wouldn't say it's a concern, but it's something
that you know, would need to be discussed, right.
Okay. How many children do you would you like to have
as many as possible in child law? I mean, there's no there's no
number there.
It starts with one.
Okay. Okay. And again, just ask the question. So,
since it's 39
Realistically, How many children do you anticipate having
one or two
You know, to be reasonable, you know, because there's having
having kids is not only about, you know, you wanting something, it's
also, there's also the, the realistic side of things where,
you know, the physical
it's, it's hard on the body because I know from, again, from
experience, I have an older brother, he got a kid later on in
his life. Right. And I can see what it is for him.
It's quite challenging. But hamdulillah
I'd like to know, and people asking the chat, whether you would
consider divorcees or women who have children already. I'm
divorced myself, right.
Having children already depends on the situation. Okay, really? The
dads around you have two dads around how old are the kids? If
they're okay with that, because it's yeah, it's it's by case
basis. Right. Yeah. You know, one question that I have wanted to ask
whether Nasir to the brothers, especially the brothers who have
come is, why are you not married yet? Like, what has been happening
this fall? That hasn't been clicking? Like, what's going on?
As immune? Right now, you're asking, I'm asking you, which is
unfair, because I didn't ask anybody else that but I am very
curious. I'd like to know, like, brother Bobby was on here for the
Bobby's making bank. You know, everybody in the chat was saying
He's such a nice guy, or the cream before we were saying such a nice
guy. So I want to know, what's happening in with with with if
there are any conversations taking place? What's the verdict, right?
What's the feedback? What what what what are we you know, what's
the data telling you? In your experience? In my experience,
okay, so as of now, I'll just give you a quick, quick, little
backstory here.
I've been on the process of getting divorced for the last
couple years, right.
My situation is that
the divorce came after a few things that happened in my life.
And one of them was moving across the country, right, because of a
lot of things that happen not only financially but in the town where
I was at. So a lot of misadventures if I can call them
like that, right. So to be able to get stable again, and get back up
on my feet, per se. It took quite a while, of course, with COVID and
everything without giving myself excuses. But that's the reality of
things right. Now that I'm back up, and hamdulillah I'm talking to
someone, right.
But it's in the process, but I'm not in a rush at all, because, you
know, I can I can keep on focusing on building something that's a bit
better for myself, right? Yeah. But I'm willing to take on
responsibility of whatever comes my way too, as well.
I'm good enough. Okay. Well, may Allah bless you with the very best
and please get me past the you know, keep us informed. Okay, I
want to know from the comments, since everybody is is judging
people, whether they're realistic or not.
What's better? Is he realistic? You know what I have to say,
though, I'm kind of with you, Brother Nasser on this Sorry,
brother, fatty. Thank you so much. My pleasure.
All
apologies. Apologies. Apologies. I just want to put make note to the
sisters in the chat, that they all brothers that are open to sisters
that are older than them that do have children. And just Just a
note here, if I can jump in, pardon me, one of my friends,
because there was a situation where there's a brother who came
in talking about marrying a sister, that was his age with
children, right? I have a friend who married a sister, a widowed
sister with two kids, young kids. It was his first marriage. He was
younger than her and it's working perfectly fine and they're on the
site. They have their second kid right now together. So a total of
four Mashallah. So it is it is possible it's just of the managing
side of things and how you do things and how you approach things
how serious you are about it, and if it's achievable, not only what
you want, but is it actually achievable What's the game plan?
Yeah, but anyways, that yeah, that's that
no, that's definitely the intentions at the start make a
huge difference. Okay, well, all the best of them as well
mashallah, please invite them to come and support the channel and
watch the streams in sha Allah. Of course, there's that kind of cool
okay.
Guys, I actually need to understand, I'm confused.
What did the brothers before say? That was so bad, like.
I don't know about you guys. But I was doing the typing. And we had
some quality brothers up here. For one
Most of them were working.
And they had their dean.
And they were serious about getting married, they were ready
to take responsibility. So as men, whether you thought that they were
too soft or too gentle or too rough or too street or whatever,
that's a, that's a personality thing. Right? As men in terms of
ticking boxes, they seem to be bringing what they're supposed to
bring to the table. And then, when they asked for what they were
looking for, you know, ba, maybe one or two, most of them said just
a handful of things, right? I don't know, I don't get it. Like,
we didn't have people on here. One person after the other after the
other saying she has to be 20 She needs to be a size 10 She needs to
be single, Never married except for you, but it's fine. You know,
like, I can't have her doing this. I can't have her doing that. She
has to be the like, we didn't get that energy. So how come in the
chat everyone after Mashallah. Our brother, Mr. Maha Sheikh Mohammed?
Yeah, who have the two wives. After he spoke? Everybody had
smoke for the brothers who were speaking before? Like, I don't
know, maybe explain. I don't I don't know. This is why I tried to
respectfully, you know, ask my brother. And it would go to the
chat as well. What exactly that the brothers said before, is a
unicorn.
I'm not I'm not seeing that these brothers came in. And I would
question Is this an example of what we often hear that's often
neglected? Is that brothers, there are brothers out there that are
having reasonable request, and then not finding sisters? Right.
So maybe this was just the thing that tipped everybody over the
edge. Maybe this was it. But I didn't even hear a beauty
requirement, guys. The brothers didn't even say she has to be a
nine or a 10. She needs to look like Gigi Hadid. Like they didn't
even do any of that. Like, we didn't talk about weight. We
didn't talk about Lux. And that was I have to say a little bit
disingenuous Shouichi from the brothers because they know that a
lot of sisters are watching. So they purposefully maybe did not
put like a looks or attractiveness requirement and make it like a big
thing. But with that being said,
why why is this what we took from the conversation? I think certain
things came out again and again, guys. And for those of us who are
here to learn, it's those things that we should be paying attention
to the brothers when they spoke, what do they want to do? They want
to lead, they want to be responsible, they want to protect
they want to provide, what do they want from a woman, they all said
respect.
They all said, you know that different different ways of saying
humility, being a giver, being nurturing, being understanding,
being like Judo sound like being a team player. I don't understand. I
don't understand. And I think maybe everybody's focusing on
maybe one person. And the thing is, the fact is that the brothers
who came on before I got married, and our brother who spoke before
is been married since he was 16. And he has two wives. So his
delivery is not going to be the same as theirs. They don't have
no disrespect. No disrespect to my brother. But sisters. Don't act
like a brother that comes to you with that tone. With that
perspective. You ain't gonna be attractive and you're not going to
be you're not going to marry you.
Let's be real, because the younger version of him that was speaking
first, you said was too soft and too nice.
Oh,
oh,
you like that connection I just made? Because it's, it's true. You
know what, I actually think that you've just set a bar right there.
No, no, no. i Okay. Again, everybody here is what they what
they want to hear, right? The brother who has a family, and it
has been building a family for 38 years or 36 years or however long
it is. He talked about what's working for him now. Right? And
hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen Allahumma barik May Allah bless
him. I didn't. We're having a conversation about what people
bring to the table. My guy said that my wives what do they bring
to the table? They fear Allah. They're respectful. They Okay, let
me know. I've got all this down, guys. I've got it written down.
Okay. They, they fear a lot. They're respectful, okay. They're
loyal. They raised his children. They, they run the home and they
let him go out and provide for them, right.
That's what he gets from them. He gets out
a home that is run in a peaceful way. And his children raised
right. That's what he's getting in return for what he's getting, what
does he do? Break his back to go and work and pay for everything
and make sure that everyone in the family is okay. That's the
transaction guys. So I'm sorry, again, I could be wrong. It could
be my own bias. I didn't hear brothers coming on here saying
like, like waste, man. Yeah, like Dusties, or whatever you want to
call them saying, like, they don't have anything going for
themselves. They don't have anything to recommend them. They
just like waste, man. But I need a woman who's this who's that none
of them mentioned D requirements. None of them mentioned that she
needs to work per se, except for the one brother who thought it
might be necessary. But none of them said even cooking and
cleaning and doing all the housework, like they didn't even
do that.
So how come is it that we're so triggered? When a man simply says
this is what I want from a woman? Is it because we don't have it?
You can't be understanding to a man you can't be accepting. You
can't be kind. You can't be grateful. You can't be a team
player. You can't let him lead you can't be loving.
Why?
Like I said, Yeah, this could have been a very triggering stream.
But people triggered for no reason right now because you listen to
his wives a bit mashallah those wives came on this stream, I bet
they'll be telling you about how this one wakes up at this time in
the morning to get breakfast for him. This one helps to get the
children ready. This one helped this one while she was having her
five children or however many it was. And then this is how they
work together in the home and keep things clean and cheetah children
Quran and like focused. This is how we support him. This is how we
make sure that he's okay. Make sure that he's you know, fit and
he's able to go out there and you know, fight the world on our
behalf and make us feel safe, make us feel secure, make us feel cared
for breaking his back to do that. My mind said he doesn't keep any
money for himself. Do you think his wives are out there? Like?
Where's where's the rest of the paycheck? Do you think that's the
kind of wife he has?
Do you think his wives are demanding and nagging him? And on
his case? And I could absolutely I could absolutely be wrong, Sis.
Sis. I'm not playing to the man's wishes. You heard what you wanted
to hear. Right? I heard what I heard. You heard what you heard.
But everybody heard a man who mashallah has made decisions that
have worked out for him. Right? But what I'm saying is simply
another way of describing the situation to you but this way is
triggering, isn't it? You don't like the way that it sounds?
I don't get it
there was some there was one person on the stream.
One guy guys, that's our brother is me. And may Allah Allah bless
him with his wife from Algeria, one brother, who talked about
sisters not being chased in his area. One brother, how many
brothers have we had on the stream? And now it's they did it.
They were doing this.
I don't know guys.
Like, forgive me. And forgive me if I'm wrong. But I'm the response
that I'm getting from the chat
is not the show that I heard.
Anyway, everybody will take what they're supposed to take and you
know, clear insha Allah. Here, here, here, here, here. All right,
let's, let's try and wrap things up in Sharla.
Let's try and wrap things up, brother now. So am I off on this?
Now you're not off you just proving the point that a lot of
brothers have made that I think unfortunately, sisters, some are
now ready to hear
that one. It's okay for brothers to have standards and
requirements. Right? And yeah, you did hear cooking, but the brother
was lenient with that. He would like it to be able to cook. But
then the other question is, who's wrong? You have grown? You have
grown woman? You shouldn't you should want to know how to cook.
Are we really up to date now where if a man says I'd like my wife,
the future mother of my children to know how to cook. Now what he's
a misogynist? He's a sexist. He's triggering. Oh, he's asking for
too much. Ah, ladies, I refuse. Now. Sorry. This is not okay.
Okay. It's not okay.
This look pottery
isn't the last day sound? Sometimes I know, the more and
more we allow the chat some not all.
Okay, so this is just saying for some time, and the fact that you
bring it up, I heard cooking.
Like you should hear cooking.
Is I again, a system going back to the point that I was making? I
think we've we've fallen to a state where men can't have
standards.
Men can't have request preferences.
And that's problematic. Hence you see him brothers going abroad.
Sisters, y'all have stopped? Yes. You think that's the best? That's
the best?
Yeah, okay. Okay, this here.
That's not your place to say, I'm so sorry.
As a woman,
it is not my place to say to a man. What you want what you
consider and what you prefer. There's other more important
things? No, the only reason I can be saying that is because either I
don't fit the criteria. Or I'm not I don't fit the criteria, and I'm
not prepared to do the work. That's it. But this, this is what
we talked about at the beginning of the stream, the shaming, right?
The shaming a man for wanting a woman who can cook because in your
opinion, he should want her because what she has a degree,
she's intellectually stimulating. She's well traveled. Her savings
are on point she owns her own property, she can help him run his
business, whatever it is that you think he should be looking for.
And now you think, how dare he only be interested in me because I
can cook? Like what's what's the big deal about cooking? Like,
there are more important things. I'm sorry, miss me with this.
Okay, well, I'm gonna stop talking. But how important is it?
To be mindful of what you consume?
Like how critical is that to your mental health, your emotional
health, your physical health.
So cooking is critical.
That That just shows me a lack of depth of thinking when it comes to
this issue. Top five should be Deen kindness, conversation,
forgiveness and intelligence. Maybe for you sis that's your top
five. But how can you point at another man and say that should be
his top five?
I'm not sure where we're getting off with the I don't know, man. I
don't know.
Anyway, brothers on please. Let's keep it going. Abdullah
Salaam
Alaikum Salaam Alaikum
a bit scared you guys have just been ranting by the last matter of
minutes. I don't want to get arrested.
So
I'm gonna keep quiet this as long as you're concise and you answer
our questions you will avoid the smoke inshallah. Sharla sha Allah
so yep, firstly married or unmarried brother. On married
unmarried inshallah. Never married. You've never married
early kids?
No, no, no. Okay, and how old are you? 24 Another 24 year old.
Three of them today. Handle Okay, so Brother, what do you feel you
need to what do you feel you bring to the table.
So hamdulillah been Muslim? And I've been practicing for a while.
So.
So I've had like a level of like steadfastness to Allah. Allah
bless me with Allah, Allah will give us all the karma. And also
hamdulillah I'd say I'm not I don't come from off but I'm openly
mobile. So
So training to be a chartered accountant Mashallah. So, and
that's like, that gives me a lot of upward mobility inshallah. And
like, internationally recognised qualification. So this makes
things a lot easier, in terms like the future, and then a handler,
because I've been raised in Islam as well. I have an understanding
about the basic sort of the deen so I feel like that we allow me to
navigate life a bit better.
And also 100 I was raised in a practicing family. And I come from
like, a stable family background where like, not a headache like
drama kind of drama show. So it'd be like no undue influence, or
like any, like unnecessary stress or drama that you'd be dealing
with. And Alhamdulillah You already asked me but I've never
been married or in a relationship before. So I found that I was
protecting me.
So yeah, so not much baggage.
Like a blank canvas.
Less of the blank canvas
The previous one was okay.
But yeah, good for the NASA any comment? No, what does she need to
bring? Yeah, Salah, so she has to be practicing at least or the
ledger, but do not be afraid of the chat brother, you speechless.
I'm not looking I'm
just Hey.
So all the way through, but like, that's a big one. Because
obviously if you're not really fulfilling your the rights that
Allah has upon you, I can't really expect much from me. And
I think it looks into me like an issue no one's going into, but I
don't have like a particular look myself, but
not to be basically like severely overweight, I think that's just
maybe the one standard I have. And then everything else kind of just
depends on the person, like, people talk about like light
skinned, dark skinned, or that kind of stuff. But it really just
depends on a person, how they come together when you see them, I
think.
And then also, I think a big one for me is have similar
understanding of what's tolerable in Islam. So I have like a deal
breakers myself. So like stuff like music don't go near. Like I
would want more effort and makeup, similar understanding of like,
what's the shadow?
That kind of stuff.
Then levels like obviously, I'm not like, particularly like well
learned or anything like that. But
I feel like if somebody has a growth mindset, that's the most
important thing.
Like the in the dunya knows, like the complete package. So that's
like the main thing, I think. And then, sorry, yeah, I have a
question about the growth mindset. So that's cool. So, last one for
me as well. I think if you have Taqwa
it's because if you don't have taqwa, then like I can't read
we're gonna like cross boundaries. And not feel comfortable kind of
thing I feel like but if we have Taqwa of Allah, then we can kind
of, you know, like, if I do wrong by you, you can remind me and I
can kind of reel myself back in, and likewise, and unpardonable. I
had this but Shala type of her husband, I hope to become
like when you marry a righteous husband, because he has Taqwa.
Even if he detests you, he's upset with you, he will still give you a
rights because he knows like, it's not just about because between me
and you, like Allah exists, and we're going to be accountable one
day, but so I feel like if you have if both parties have that
kind of mindset, then it just makes things a lot easier.
Nice, okay, masha Allah. So I've got a for you, which I've already
put in the chat, guys. So please do me. What's the age range?
A little bit older, I don't mind Hamdulillah. I'm 24. So that kind
of bothers me as well. Like, I'd say like, in terms of like, time
and like stretch, or someone's older than me, it doesn't mean
they won't be able to have kids and stuff like that. So, really,
my, my cutoff point right now, like 2728, but I feel like most
2017 rates are on the lookout for you right now.
So either way, yeah.
Okay. Can she be divorced?
No, I've been picky with that one. Just because I feel like I've kind
of kept myself chaste. And yeah, I feel like I deserve it.
It's not like starting from scratch with someone. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, that's fair enough. I think that's fair. I think that's fair.
People in the chat are saying stop the cap on the looks.
Anything to do with attractiveness. So, anything to do
with attractiveness, because obviously, beauty and
attractiveness are not quite the same thing. So would you marry a
woman you were not attracted to?
Allah, you know, it's like a, it's like a, that's a big one.
The correct answer is no. I wouldn't marry someone I wouldn't.
Yeah, I wouldn't marry someone that I'm upset, I find no
attraction to you. But then there's like a baseline level
SubhanAllah. I've recently been speaking to someone, obviously,
with an under the grip, like conditions. And the person ticks
all my boxes.
But they're just not maybe what I had envisioned, maybe the B level
of maybe my wife to have, you know, everybody has like high
standards or like, what standards even
and, but I would look ahead and say that I'm still attracted to
cipher like yeah, attraction is different from necessarily like
beauty like having a beauty standard. But if you if you come
in with a certain piece, then you will probably never be satisfied.
That's what I've kind of been battling with that within within
myself. But I think the attraction is definitely important.
Okay, all right. You guys heard it here first, Mashallah. And I said,
you have anything to say to me I gotta see is can we block Ali King
whoever he is? Can you
block him now? Please. Do you got anybody? They can block him? I've
just done it. Okay, appreciate it. I'm not happy. I like I like what
I'm hearing.
I like what I'm hearing, I think.
I think it's, I think you've grown
it
like that.
Hamdulillah?
I would I would nudge you though only because I did sense, a little
hesitation. And I could be hearing things. I did hear some hesitation
around the attractive part. And I would just advise you or any
brother.
Yeah, I think I think attraction needs to be there. It needs to be
there, because.
And sister now you may give me a woman's perspective.
I wonder if I this is a question that I have. I think if the
attraction really isn't there,
she's going to feel that. And I think that's going to have an
effect on the marriage as well. Right? It's, it's, I think a woman
can appreciate in and value you providing for her and taking care
of her. But
there's also that element of she wants to know and feel
that you're attracted to her.
Right. So even if if you think you can get through it for yourself, I
think it just be something to keep in mind that I think it may be a
disservice to her. If you're not attracted to her and you marry
her.
Yeah. And my old sister?
Um, yeah, I think it's just, you know, be honest with yourself.
Like, I don't think that having a picture in your mind and trying to
match this woman to that picture is the best idea. I think it's
more a case of, are you attracted to her? Right? Do you take her if
you're into her, you into her, and that's it, you know, but
definitely kind of not being into her. And then convincing yourself
that it's a good idea anyway, that could cause problems down the line
for your for your, you know, your own lowering of the gaze and the
dialogue between you guys, right? Because, you know, every woman
does want to feel desired and does want to feel wanted and that she's
beautiful in the eyes of her husband, whether she is beautiful
in the technical sense or not. She would like to feel that. So look,
I think it was in Shakespeare look to like, if looking liking move.
Yes. Also a question on this. That's okay. Go ahead.
So obviously, when you're dealing with a stock, especially one maybe
you observe like the critic job, there's only so much you can see
beforehand. And most of the time, especially depend on the opinion
that they hold as well. It's just going to be the face.
I feel like there's so much more to a woman than a face. So yeah, I
would seek knowledge on that. I would know I would genuinely I
would seek knowledge on that. Because you know, that the, the
the scholars have different criteria for this. So the son will
say it's the hair, others the shin, okay, or just like, you
know, if she's wearing normally sort of jilbab and niqab outside,
if you see her in her family home where she's wearing something not
as huge and concealing, because, you know, I do think and again, I
could be wrong, and I could get flamed in the comments. But
ladies, I do think that it is only right. And it is in your favor for
the man to know what he's signing up for the good and the bad of it
Yanni. Okay, because the last thing you want is somebody
mentioned in the chat that they have a particular thing that they
like,
if he doesn't know that you have that, and you're not, like
forthcoming about it, it could actually cause a real problem
where he thinks he's getting something and then on the wedding
night, he realizes, Oh, man, and that's, you know, that's not
helpful. It does come back to bite you at the end of the day, right?
So, you know, if, if, if you have a preference or if there is
something that you really feel like no, I kind of need that. I do
think it's better to just have you know, some kind of conversation
with somebody whether it's her Wiley or whoever, you just have to
pluck up the courage to do it. Whether you want to go with dress
size, or you want to go with measurements, or you want to go
with you know, when you see her maybe she's wearing like, what are
they called again? Are you Cemani brother?
Are you smiling? neither confirm nor deny.
If you went to her house and she's wearing a thingy with like, what's
it called? Again? Not, not that
show too much. What's the other one? The cottony one.
The one they were the normal one.
Like the house one, not the fancy one the house one. But to tell
you. I'm so sorry for you. But basically, it's like a house dress
right so it's not fitted. It's not like tight fitting doesn't show
all the curves, but you can at least see like what she's working
with.
kind of right. So that's what I would say. And just be honest
about it. That off, do you think that's off guys in the chat?
Ladies? Do you feel that that's not okay for a brother to ask for
the Nasod? What would you What's your opinion on this?
Yeah, you know, I think
I think I think if you attracted him?
Yeah, I think if if
I think if the face is attractive enough for you, and
I want to choose my words properly. I think it's important
to make sure that you are attracted to her. And I think any
I think
I think I would do what is within the bounds of Islam to make sure
that that box is checked off. Do this, do this? This is good. Thank
you. Yeah. Yes, um, Ditalion was got it. That's why I think you
should do
get your sister to check her out. espionage?
Shall.
Yeah, and I would, I would, it's not 100% it's not a it's not a
rule 100%. But if Assist is apprehensive, about family
checking her out, or, you know, some usin, you know, subsistence
friendly community to go check her out.
Potential red flag
potential, I wouldn't, I would like to push back on that. I don't
know whether I would use the word red flag. But there's, there could
be an insecurity there. Right, which is, which I think is many
sisters will attest to it is quite normal, unless she loves the way
that she is. And she's in shape. And she she thinks she's like, a
10. In which case, she'll be you know, very happy to tell you, I'm
a size, whatever. But for any other sisters who maybe have
insecurities about their bodies, for whatever reason, it could be
nothing, right? It just could be something that she feels self
conscious about. She may not feel so great as like put it out there.
But with sisters, your sisters, your aunties, or whoever, you
know, if they go to a wedding, for example, and they see her or they
go to the house when this lady is only and they see her, you can say
Look, can you just check her out and see if she has this, this or
this? You know, I think that's fair.
My perspective red flag
could be wrong. If you if you send us this is over there. And there's
already communication and you guys have already got through the
basics. And she's not willing to allow something permissible for
you to have a better understanding of how she looks.
At my perspective, my person what's where's the red flag coming
from? Which aspect is it that you're honing in on the mental
piece?
Because this is serious. This is serious meaning we've already got
in pairs. Obviously, any brothers is doing this. It's not doing this
at the beginning stage. Like we've already got in pairs, you know,
the basics. The dean is there. He's he's able to provide you like
his vision you'd like where He's taking the family. He likes the
basics. He's met her family, she's met his family, all of those
things are checked off. The initial attraction, initial
attraction is there. But she was very Humpday loose clothing, he
doesn't have an idea doesn't know about hay, it doesn't know about
anything. All he knows is her face in her hands. If he sends after
that, Sister mother or close relative or, you know, if he's a
convert the sisters from the community that he you know, was
helping him in in his process, and she's apprehensive and not
allowing that reflect
because this is serious. This is marriage.
Do with that?
Again, just my perspective.
And again, see within within the boundaries, but yeah, to meet us
reflect
upon a lot the situation you described is like visually exactly
where I'm at. But I've just opened up conversation when it's like the
looks is basically my issue. Like I just haven't seen enough. Okay.
Fair enough, Mashallah. For you to say I haven't seen enough to be
like for right. So yeah, that's that's what we want is the
realities. And I think I appreciate about what you said so
far is everything else seems reasonable and grounded that
you've mentioned that you're looking for. And the beauty in
that is those attributes that you mentioned before, can make a six
like a seven or a five like a seven
because
A great attributes and characteristics and a woman is far
better than a nine or a 10. I will take a six or seven with beautiful
attributes any day, over a nine or a 10 with questionable character
and attributes.
Sokoloff and honestly, I've been battling kind of, like, why am I
getting married for? And yeah, so
May Allah guide you to the very best you sound like a very nice
brother mashallah and we wish you only the best and bless you, you
know, being able to make your vision a reality and you know, may
Allah bless you. Um, the luck. Oh, yeah, see, check this out. Check
this out, guys. And this is I have heard this as well, actually.
This is the issue, right? Ladies, this might be an issue if we are
too coy. Especially for those of us who've been married, right,
maybe the ones who say first marriage and all of that, Yanni
they need to sort it out. But
it really is not in your best interests to try to get the
brother to go in blind, especially if you know that your body is not
on point. Like most women after a certain stage, their body is not
on point. Right. So if you know that's the case, either sought
that out or be honest about it. And let him be the judge to say
yeah, I can work with that. Oh, to be honest, I can't I can't do it.
Because the worst case scenario for me is you kind of played it
You know, when you did the angles with the camera and you kind of
only showed this there or you like did it in this way. So it made it
look like it was that and then you know stuff for law, you marry the
brother and he sees you and He does not like what he sees. Now
we've got a very, very, very uncomfortable situation. I don't
know guys, do you think I'm off? No, I don't think so. I think you
spot on.
I think it's better. It's better to address this before marriage
than after agreed. And even if it's uncomfortable, it's going to
be uncomfortable before or after, right? So at some point is going
to be uncomfortable. And I think does size matter. I don't think
people on this chat can get you know annoyed about this one
because we do end up talking about it almost every week but from the
men that we have spoken to size does matter. But it matters to
different degrees to different men. Some men are happy with
healthy
you know or sick or whatever, and others want slim. But most men
will say that they would not prefer for their wife to be fat or
obese or heavily overweight. So fitness is probably your best.
Your best gauge. Yes, I think we can say that. Right. Okay.
Oh Nyima hanging out process today. She could be insecure, she
could be this designing his life away. Oh my gosh. Okay. If you
sending a mother or sister do the check in the sister needs to get
on board. Fair enough.
Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough. All right. So I think we
need to have Leila at the end. And we need to ask Leila Slimani
consists what she brings to the table and then we need to end this
live. We need to end this live guys. So
how do you see this handle? You can hear me? Well? Yes, very well,
Mashallah.
Right, so says, what have you to say about what you bring to the
table? So I'm actually married. I've been married for five years.
Nice. I'm 25. And I have two kids.
Say I called in, because I believe I have a perfect marriage. So I
thought maybe someone can benefit from what we both bring to the
table. Excellent. So what do you bring at the moment?
Okay, so first one I would mention is respect. And I find the content
rising. What do you mean by respect? Why does that so in
brief, I'll try to explain. Men have a very high ego, probably
higher than any suitor can imagine. So never tried to tell
him his ego. If he's, let's say, trying to fix something at home
and you think to yourself, there's no way you can fix that you should
just call a plumber or whatever. Don't say it. Just let him do it.
Let him try to build it's fine that you didn't say anything. And
if you succeed, perfect phrasing words. Say I always respect them
and never disrespect him, especially in front of others, his
family in particular, and then
second one is commitment to him and kids. By that I mean, like,
try my best to cook wholesome food for him and the kids.
And then try my best to raise kids in a way that
He will be proud of them.
And then,
sorry, I wrote my notes. I'm just reading them. The next is
appreciation. And what I mean by that is, most men work really hard
to provide for us, and to have us lead a comfortable life. And it's
important that we say thank you, I appreciate what you do. And I see
how hard we're working for our family.
They will really be happy to have you do that. So a lot just giving
us guys much oh, gee, wife game.
And fourth one,
intimacy on demand.
So that just for for that I wrote, and then on my husband's side,
first is provision, obviously very important. Somewhere I read. The
second most common reason for divorce is financial problems. So
if you have that on point,
it's gonna make your life easier and your marriage better. Yeah.
Then masculinity.
And that's what makes men attractive to women. So being
masculine and not being the same.
Appreciation
of everything your wife does for you and the family. The cooking,
taking care of the kids all day is hard work. And we need a man to
say I see what you're doing. And let's come and say, Hey, what did
you do all day?
That's important. And last care for me and the children basic
emotional care and then spending the time with us and the kid
basically investing his time in.
That's all I have. Oh, we love it says, All right, hold on a minute.
I want to just go over this. So I've got that sister, Leila bring
to the table. Sisters, those of us who are those people are not
married. We need to pay attention. Okay, especially with new people.
I've been married five years, 10 years 1520 2530 35 As we heard,
she brings respect, appreciation, not disrespecting him in front of
others in particular commitment to him and their children raising the
children so that he will be proud of them and intimacy on demand.
We're gonna have to do a whole livestream about that.
And he brings to the table provision, masculinity,
appreciation of his wife and the investment of his time and
emotions BarakAllahu li ke Mashallah. Everyone loves this.
Thank you, sis, you've ended it in a beautiful way. Watch on
everybody is is absolutely loving it. Thank you so, so much for
helping us end the stream in such a lovely way.
Everybody is, is saying
Alhamdulillah thank you so so much. And keep supporting the
channel insha Allah and may Allah bless you and your family in every
way. And yeah, keeps
Jota Jota Jota. Is this this is still there? She is Yeah.
I'm here I'm gonna
kids.
Yeah, that's why I'm one of the reasons I was brief. You were
saying that you were very brief. You had it. Okay. So just quick
question for you.
If your husband came home and said he wanted to take a second, how
would you respond?
Well, I would not be thrilled. Obviously.
I thought about this a lot. And I always follow the streams where
I would not be happy but I would also not
believe for that.
I mean, I'm the happiest as it is because he's investing everything
he has just in me and my family and that's wonderful. But if he
did decide to marry someone else,
I would I don't know. It would take time to adjust, adjust, but I
would still stay because I know I cannot get another man like that.
So
I would just take it
woman and you may have helped a lot of sisters with that answer.
May Allah only will what is best for you for dunya waffle after
that happened to
make a point, what you've described in terms of how you
cheat your husband.
Most men that I know in that type of situation, that very meticulous
about the type of woman, they do decide if they decide to engage in
polygyny
because they understand the type of quality of woman they have,
right?
It demand that you describe a man is not going to bring something
messy into a good situation, you started off saying that you feel
like you have the perfect situation. So I would assume your
husband feels the same. So also know that there's some level of
comfort you should find and that, that a man is not going to bring
something messy into something that's clean.
Hence, hence, you've created a high bar for any other system to
potentially come in to situation.
That's the trick.
Honestly, that's the game and if systems would really
step out of the motion in Listen, the biggest hack to
see the kids love to see it
that's right
that's it
we're gonna close out in sha Allah. Thank you so much for
sharing with us.
Baby
yes, they these are sort of wife school. Yes, we love it. Michelle.
Okay, guys, give the stream a mark out of 10. We're almost at four
hours. So this is now the longest stream ever, which is shocking,
right? I didn't expect this one to be this long. Give the stream a
mark out of 10. And anybody wants to close us off with a super chat
or a super thanks and request the accent for the closing. Please do
that, brother now. So what do you want to tell the people about this
event next month? If anything or just to close? That can can we
make? Can we take a minute to just go with the IG?
Hit a brother with a follow NESEA LME you see it down here
somewhere? And just give us a follow? This good info there.
Yeah, right there.
Bam. Yeah, that's all you got. That's, that's all Yeah.
But I also noticed, there's a comment
that you didn't highlight, which is typical of you on these
streams, where the sister said well said brother to see. Yeah.
You know, put that up there. You can't seem to find it. Oh, no.
See, I just don't see it. Yeah, that. Yep. Sorry. Just not coming
up. May Allah help me. May Allah help me if anybody wants to give
props to brother in the city bed? Do it now in the chat because No,
no, the only props I want is you go over to IG and give a brother
follow appreciate it, and a cup if you like, but look next next
month, please look, I think it'd be a great event you guys come out
and join us in London.
Again, the conference is gonna be on point that Friday, that night,
we're gonna have an intimate dinner, I think it'd be a good
opportunity for us to connect in person. And then on top of that on
on Sunday we have in the workshop, and I think that is going to be
the icing on the cake. That's where you get the tools and the
modality and something for you to walk away with. It's not going to
be a conference where you just get good talking points you're gonna
get a modality and some tools for you to take away to use in your
marriage and your relationships not only with yourself with your
spouse but also with your family. co workers. So I really believe
should come out and yeah, come on out. Yeah, we're looking forward
to seeing you guys in sha Allah
Okay, so 25th to the 27th of November.
And if there is no super chat, then we're going to close out on
this. So no, not that one. Where is it? This one we're closing out
on that because there's no super chats. All right, no, one
appreciate it.
Hamdulillah we had about 150 to 160 people on this live
consistently throughout the last almost four hours which is mad mad
mashallah Tabata Kala, please everybody in London show up and
show out okay. We I will be there live. Whether or not Sid will be
there live and we it's going to be very, very cool in sha Allah.
Because there's a dinner on the first day Goku. That's a dinner on
Friday.
The night then Saturday is a conference there's a like a
marriage mixer in the evening on Saturday and then there's we're
doing two workshops on Sunday inshallah. Big thanks to everybody
thank you so much for being a part of the stream we love this room we
love this platform. We love you guys Insha Allah, you make it what
it is. So may Allah bless every single one of you and may Allah
Subhana Allah guide us or protect us all. And bless us all. And gift
us spouses that will be the coolness of our eyes, who will
help us make our way through this crazy dunya into Jana insha Allah.
Okay, so let's let's continue to learn to grow to evolve, and to
become better versions of ourselves than we were last week
last month and last year but isn't enough. All right.
I've run out.
No accent. No no accent because no super chat. So we're just gonna
end it nice and calmly today. All right.
So Aliko what up medulla? He's about to get to