Naima B. Robert – Wednesday Night Live Prn & Muslim Women Addictions and How to Love an Addict
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Bismillah Salam Alikum walaikum salam Alaikum everyone welcome
welcome welcome to another Wednesday night live stream
really, really excited to have you on here those of you who are
watching live welcome. As soon as you come in the room, give me your
setup and let us know where in the world you are calling from Insha
Allah, we want to know where our audience is based. And if you are
part of the replay gang, then please make sure that you put
replay gang in the comments and nounce your presence announce your
arrival. We want to know who's here. Who's in the building who's
in the house. Yes, indeed, I am fashionably late. I am always
fashionably late and hamdulillah and as they say, better late than
never Alhamdulillah inshallah we've got a really interesting and
important show for you guys today insha Allah and as you know if
you've been following
well let's let's get into this topic, which is a really important
topic. But before we get into the topic, which we are today talking
about *, we're talking about * addiction and how to
love an addict that this is a an addition especially for sisters.
Okay, those of you who want more information about this on this
topic, we have covered this in the intimacy conversation. I had a
really good conversation with Brother well Ibrahim on this topic
and a twice actually in the marriage conversation and in the
intimacy conversation so let's call out some
some locations who we got in the house Masha Allah we've got some
regulars shout out to the regulars mashallah we've got New York in
the house we've got Norway Mashallah. We've got Pakistan
we've got Birmingham, Kansas in the building New York and
hamdulillah London. Fantastic. Thank you, Mr. Mia. We appreciate
your, your attention. Birmingham's here mashallah with us. Fantastic
guys. Definitely as soon as you come in, give us a Salaam in the
chat. Okay, and drop your locations in there. And don't
forget to help your sister out with all of the good stuff
including super thanks Super Chat cash apps. You will never guess
what I think I've kind of made it guys because
the first of my videos has been D monetized Can you believe that?
Wow. Mashallah. We're trying to speak out here talk about things
that are important, but YouTube is like, Nope, that is not right for
our advertisers. So hey, what can you do my sha Allah always
appreciate you guys's support and popping on live. But let's get to
the topic because it's Wednesday if midweek and you know, we don't
have time to mess around in sha Allah. Today we're talking about
the really important topic of of * addiction. And we want to
address this specifically from a sisters from an foresters
perspective so whether it is a sister who is addicted or it is a
woman who a sister who is married to somebody who's addicted we're
gonna be talking about that today and I have a special guest who's
joining me Masha Allah, who works in this field and is you guys are
be familiar with her Inshallah, when she comes on you will
recognize her. So we're going to chop it up, then we're going to
open the lines guys, so it is a calling so you will be able to
take part in the conversation. And as always, keep the chat focused.
We love to see your comments in the chat. I love to highlight them
as well during the conversation. As I've said, you know, this is
the best live stream on YouTube right now within the Muslim space
because we have such a great community mashallah and we get
such great comments coming through and the chat is always so engaged
and so focused on topic mashallah So alhamdulillah right we've got
something right up right up right up right up, but I'm gonna bring
on somebody come says, well, ecommerce Salam wa rahmatullahi wa
barakatuh how are you? Nice to see you again.
Thank you so much. And thank you Omar head thank you for the super
sticker Baraka Luffy ki mashallah kicking us off beautifully. Thank
you so much. So first and foremost, how are you and how is
your family hamdulillah Hamdulillah we had one of those
days today you know where you end up dropping everything for the fam
it's just like all stations go for you know these days happen you
know whether you're a man or a woman where we have to just drop
things right and I almost thought it wasn't gonna be it for for a
good couple of hours but hamdulillah Allah is facilitated
that we will be having this conversation today hamdulillah and
I am so so grateful for that Masha Allah. So this is I want us to
jump right in okay, because we may get people hopping on the line
later. So let's start with this. This comment here that I've
highlighted right? Adele mashallah says I think it
only affects men. So maybe there's a question as to Well, why would
you need to have a topic about sisters and * like this is a
men's issue. Talk to that sis.
I think the stats show the data shows and you know, the data gives
us great pictures about what's actually happening out there. I
think the accurate stats on that are around 85, or 84% of people
addicted to * are men.
But around a half of those people are married, which means that it
then it intersects the women that they're married to, because women
end up feeling betrayed by this.
And they feel like, you know, a zener of the eyes has happened as
in or of the heart or emotion or whichever way you want to point
that. So ultimately, the addiction itself as in like the action, and
viewing, yes, men bought. So they are the people.
Yeah, the impact definitely, you know, permeates into every aspect
of that person's life. And I think it's really important to highlight
that obviously, I'm coming from like therapeutic space, I'm not
coming from a place of pain, shame or blame. We know that they were
people at the time of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam in the
Medina and community who did peeping tom type of activity and
the Sahaba would say, you don't want these people in the Salah
with us and he would say salah, Allahu Allahu wa salam, allow the
people to come to the prayer don't block people from because at some
point, the people will leave this habit, this indecent thing they
do. And they will be called beloved to Allah and His
Messenger, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, you know, and they were
alcoholics, the time of the Sahaba as well, something. It's not the
fluffy info, though, right? So we don't learn about this usually in
an irregular sera class. The point is, to know that they were there,
and there were ailments in that community that are relatable to
the communities that we live in. Now, you know, obviously, they
just the amenities and the access is very different. Yeah, yeah,
definitely. Definitely. So for this, for the purposes of today's
discussion, what are we? What is corn addiction for the purposes of
everybody who's listening? And to make sure that this conversation
is grounded in you know, that we're all on the same page? What
are we saying is * addiction, what qualifies as *? And what
qualifies as an addiction?
Oh, wow. Wow. SubhanAllah. Okay, so the any addiction, whether it's
*, or anything else, is anything that alters the mood of
the person, unless they receive that dopamine hit, basically, from
whatever that action is, whether it be smoking, drinking, viewing
something that they shouldn't be viewing, followed by an action
they shouldn't be doing, right? Because there are some people who
don't necessarily view *, but they're addicted to *.
Right? And the two are very closely aligned. Right? Because,
yeah, we talked about this before, we're surrounded no matter where
you are, quite often in the world, in hyper sexualized, you know,
media, it's everywhere, it's in adverts, it's on billboards. It's
absolutely everywhere. And the * is literally, like, in
everybody's pocket, if they wanted it to be so easily access compared
to like, before the advent of the internet, so to speak, you know?
So, you know, it's, it's a mood altering behavior, that if the, if
it doesn't happen, it causes deep anxiety in the person, you know,
for not writing on it. Okay, so Okay. When it comes to what
qualifies as *, I mean, I would need a scholarly answer for that.
And the reason I say that is because we've also touched on the
topic, for example of bridgerton. Now, that's not how Yes, we did.
We did our goal is okay, because let's, let's do the whole gamut,
right? Because everybody, I think is more or less on the same page
when it comes to, you know, sites like *, for example, where
it's like, you know, it's obviously videos of, you know,
sexual acts, et cetera. Right. But I mean, is that all that it is?
Can you you know, we break it down? Because we did talk about
bridgerton. Right? What's, what's your Yeah, what's your, what are
your thoughts on that? Well, I sat down to watch Bridget Brigitta.
And I can tell you all that I did, I sat down to watch it is white
woman who's married to a black man.
We're really intrigued by this period drama with a very diverse
cast because you don't normally see that especially the weaponize
literally we know that like less than 10 minutes and we'd be
turning it off because of how explicit it became very quickly,
you know, and that's not my usual viewing material. So yeah, even
though we're disappointed obviously, we turned it off as a
family however, I know lots of Muslims have watched it and they
claim they fast forwarded it and all that kind of thing. But
really, that's kind of like the invitation right? So this is
available on Netflix for all of our young people and I used to
have access to if they've got access to Netflix, and it is
completely inappropriate for them to see it let's let's not put
flowers on that. You know, it is inappropriate viewing for
was because this is part of our hijab, isn't it? Whether we're a
man or a woman type of thing, you know, this is our, hey, we don't
watch people in intimate, you know, setting with one another
because it's specifically for two married people, obviously. And
then obviously, you've got the other end of the spectrum where,
you know, it really is like a hardcore scenario. That's what
they call it hardcore *, and there's lesbian *, there's
heterosexual *, there's game horn, there's, and you know,
anything in between transport is transport out there as well, you
know, there's quite a range available. And,
you know, anything. I suppose the personal litmus test for any of us
is, you know, like, and it's an obvious one, and it's one we would
instill in our children, but it's a lesson that applies to us, would
allow me please meet my eyes receiving this type of, you know,
material. And, you know, there are some things that you could be
watching a regular kind of Bollywood or Hollywood movie where
there's a bit of a hug or something like that. And that's,
and you wouldn't necessarily look away.
But it's about drawing healthy boundaries with that, knowing
that, you know, you know who you are, you know, what stimulates
your route issue is a thing, even audibly, because we know a lot of
music, you know, people listen to a lot of music and things like
that these days. We talked, didn't we about sexual frustration before
and we're talking about the facet of the eyes and the ears is just
have to curb sexual desires when we're not in a married setting. So
yeah, just see your question in a roundabout way. Yeah, yeah, no,
no, it's it's not a roundabout, it's exactly what we wanted to get
into. Because obviously, there is the stuff that's marketed as, you
know, * on those sites, and you can find that magazines and all
the rest of it. But then there's also stuff that's not marketed in
that way, which is pretty much it, maybe a softer version, but it is
sexually explicit material. And whether it's like you said in a
period drama, or Game of Thrones, or a tick tock account, or an
Instagram account, or even as this, as SN said, you know, even
in novels, right? Where there is graphic, graphically depicted
sexual scenes, when you read that your imagination goes with that it
is there to stimulate you, right. So if you are in a situation,
anybody who's watching this, if you are in a situation where you
know, you are consuming this type of material, you will know when
it's doing something to you, right? Because you're going to
have a response to it, right? Whether you're male or female,
you'll have a response to it. So what we're saying is, don't say,
well, at least it's not *, because it's not from that
website, or from whatever, you know, if it is something that
you're watching, or you're reading or listening to, and it is
stimulating you in that way. You may want to, you know, you may
want to be careful about that, you know, because that's the, is there
a pipeline? Or like a? What's the word? Is there like a gateway?
Often in this type of behavior, where you start with something
soft and seemingly innocent? And then you kind of work your way up
to like the deepest stuff? Or does it usually do people usually have
a preference? Like, No, I like the romantic stuff. And I stopped
there, like, how does it work?
Well, I think it's different for everybody. However, I do think
that for the majority of people, it always starts with something
seems pretty mild. Oh, this is okay for me. And it's not often
snowballs. It often snowballs, because one of the reasons why
people are so attracted to this type of material is because of the
human nature of yearning for a sense of belonging, connection,
and love, right. And lots of people didn't receive that as
children. And that's just true, sadly, you know, for one reason or
another, and there were lots of different and it's not about going
on a, I hate my parents campaign or anything like that. Parents
have often done the best they could with the tools they had.
Yeah, lots of other I mean, adulthood, where we have to
reparent to an extent, as you know, in the personal development
world, it's a really important part of adulting. Right? And being
a parent again, right, because we want to nearly every parent, I
know wants to avoid the mistakes their own parents make, but we are
sure, our own parents don't mean Right.
So it's about acknowledging, you know, like, what actually asking
yourself questions like, What is it about that, that I really like?
And is there somewhere else that I might be able to find that to try
and try and avoid it as much as possible, you know, and anything
that's going to stimulate you to the point that it's going to break
your will do so obviously, that varies from like madhhab and
minhang, and all that kind of thing. There's definitely an
issue, you know, what I mean? So it's like, for me personally, it's
like, if something can stimulate you to the point you will do would
be gone. You would definitely shouldn't be, you know, when we
lost sales and having a bit of visual Oh, would be my read that's
a that's a standard like that's a really well, that's yeah, I mean,
if you're having a physical response, right, like you said,
you know, when
woman's case they would break your door in a man's case for that
matter, then you know, this is something to be to be wary of and
cooler says here the steamy romantic books are actually erotic
novels that explicitly describe sexual acts in very passionate
romantic details that can mess up your brain about intimacy, * and
love, and maybe set up some unrealistic expectations as well
on the way we've got Fatima saying is a perfect topic for this time
and age, it's good to enlighten each other on such a topic,
because in most cases, we tend to turn blind eyes and deaf ears to
it. And it's consuming our society so much. I'm gonna thank you so
much for sharing I've struggled a lot with acknowledging that
steaming books does as much damage as movies showing explicit
content. Wow, I've stopped reading those books recently. And I'm so
glad that I did. Yeah. That's I think that's that's real. I think
for women especially, that's real, isn't it, because we're more
likely to be targeted, and to enjoy the reading experience,
rather than kind of full on video and all that.
And this is an interesting point from audio as well. And this is
kind of why I was asking whether it gets progressively more, you
just need more to get the thrill he says, You're right about
* people don't reach the same levels of dopamine when they
get used to the milder content. So they start to go for more extreme
content, what's your perspective on that?
It most of the time, that is true, I believe from the statistics. And
it gets you know what, it becomes worse and worse and worse. And the
anxiety gets greater and greater and greater for not acting on
that, you know. And it's really interesting, in many ways, because
I look at this whole subject,
probably with some surprise to some Muslims with, you know, a
great deal of Rama, people don't arrive at a place where they're
addicted to this type of thing or anything for that matter. In a
vacuum. They didn't just wake up one day and say, you know, I think
this is what I'll do with, you know, my day. And it's quite a
debilitating place to be. So I just want to reiterate that if
there is anybody struggling with this, whether you're married to
somebody who's struggling with it, or whether you're a woman that
struggling with it, or whether you're a man who's married and his
wife doesn't know, I will share a link for you to get more
information about support for that. It will likely people often
think and tell themselves even once they've started that I can do
this abstinence thing alone. And it's often more of a whole person
picture that needs working out, even at a low level to do some
self assessments that are you know, psychology based about
upbringing about life events, and things like that, to help find out
what is where is where's the void here, like I think women, for
example, read steamy novels, and probably view things like
bridgerton. Out of curiosity, I think it starts because of a lack
of adequate such as * education in the Muslim community, something
else I'm really passionate about. And I really do think that we have
to, we've got to go to town on that. Because this is where the
googling or watching things that we wouldn't watch in front of our
parents if we're a young person type of thing, or even
a young person, any person, okay?
Next, and they're not really sure about what it is and what it's
for, and all that kind of thing, though, which was more prone to
googling these things and watching these things out of curiosity to
learn but there are definitely there are better ways to learn.
And women naturally compare themselves to the women in the
books. And once you've created that visual image, or seen it with
your eyes, very hard to live up to that. And I know Habiba Kandi
shared something recently, and it really blew me away. And it was
one of the ladies who's like, she's like the number one *
star at the moment. I have no idea what her name is. And she said,
It's all fake. It's all fake. All the * are fake. Everything
is how can we get the angle like this and like that, to kind of get
more views this time? And she was just like, none of it is nowhere
near as fine as it seems. It's literally for views and I was just
like, wow, an admission that for you for somebody who's the number
one for it. Yeah. So
I do think that's the thing, right? I do think it does, you
know, and people, when they teach themselves or miss educate
themselves, shall we say through *, even before they get married
and things like this. So they think they can feel more
confident. They'll often try things that are very painful for
women. They're very degrading women. They're emotionally abusive
to women, you know, especially when women have not had a
wholesome * education themselves are not really sure what to
expect. So it can do multiple levels of damage and there is
support out there. So you know, just so spoken about is so
important, no matter Allah bless you and preserve you for having
these conversations. Just like a Lahaina. So it's not mean let's
let's I'd love to know actually because you actually messaged me,
and you said, Hey, are you having any conversations? I really want
to talk about this thing. Yeah, it's because obviously, it was
coming up what what was it that what is going on that made you
reach out and say
Listen you know can we talk about this what what are you seeing
what's what's happening on the ground?
Well I think what's happening on the ground as a therapist after we
careful
Why did not move Mimosa more so why did you why did you feel this
is something we need to talk about? What's what's going on? The
reason I felt like this was important topic to cover is
because whether it's through tick tock like he doesn't even have to
be an actual site itself. They know what to put into tick tock to
view inappropriate No, like everybody said over the years, tic
TOCs was full of this. I've been on tick tock for about a year and
I've not seen anything that inappropriate. I've heard a few
profanities, but I've never seen anything like that. And always
think you are what you search people be careful. Right? Yeah,
exactly. Come to you, it's gonna come back for yes. So
I decided this year to apply for a position with an organization
called purify your gaze. It's been going on since 2009, by brothers,
Dan and his team, Mashallah. And I know that this organization is got
an excellent reputation. And you know, I have very high standards
about who I work with, for that reason, you know, like, it has to
be integrity has to be at the start of everything, and, you
know, the clients welfare at the forefront of everything. And so, I
was intrigued by them putting an ad out for
betrayal and infidelity support for the women whose husbands have
been viewing * and acting out, it's called, you know, like,
whether it is, and I don't mean literally acting out. I mean, the
behavior itself is called acting out, if that makes sense. You
know, like, usually in psychology circles, meaning the *
that comes with it, and also the viewing of the material and things
like so, because you're damaging in your marriage, you know, when
that's actually happening, especially if the wife ends up,
we're gonna go into that we are going to get into that, shall I
trust me, we're gonna go in, but go on with about purify your gaze.
And you Yeah, roll. And so they also said, How'd you feel about
working with women who are addicted to *, and I said,
Well, I hadn't anticipated that would be that many, it's not
something I've come across too much. I have come across it
before. But I haven't come to come across it too much. But I would be
happy to do that. Because any support I don't know of anywhere
else that specifically focuses on supporting people recovering from
an addiction specifically like this, who are Muslim, you know,
where it's all backed by spirituality, as well as, you
know, psychology as we understand it today. And so, obviously, I was
successful, and I'm really excited to join their team.
Congratulation,
Allah Hamdulillah. I'm really, I'm excited even though that might
sound odd considering the work ahead, because I am a person who's
you know, who's passionate about bringing ease at times of great
difficulty, and people who are so isolated by an addiction like
this, having just one human that they can confide in, about, you
know, the joys and pitfalls of progress and trips and falls and
stumbles and somebody else to just say, It's okay, we're gonna keep
going, is so invaluable? Because it's such, you know, we would be
surprised, you know, the kinds of things that people really do share
when they build a trust with somebody. So there's that trust
there. Yeah, I'm passionate about making support available to the
people who need it and alike that is, you know, it's not the most
expensive program out there. But quite the contrary, it's very
doable for everybody. And anybody can get access to it. There's like
a multi tiered
program that they've got on offer. And when I looked at the recovery
materials, I was just blown away. They've been building it for over
10 years. And it's excellent. And I thought I'm looking forward. I'm
looking forward to being able to help this so yeah, I love that
conversation came from I was like, No, well, nightmare has been
talking about some really important subjects lately. And I
wonder if she'll have a conversation with me about this
because even though it's not something where I would normally
ask to speak in public about it, because I'm very specific, I will
be only working with women on this there are males with both men to
work with. It's really important women know that. You know, if you
are suffering in silence, whichever side of that spectrum
you might be on whether he was addicted or us being betrayed by
this addiction. There are people who can hold that space for you,
you know
hamdulillah definitely, always always, you know, trying to bring,
you know, support to the community. So we will put the
information about purify your gaze, I'm familiar with their work
mashallah, I know the brother and his wife Megan Wyatt, longtime
longtime. And so guys, we will put the information in the description
please in sha Allah so if you are affected by this and you would
like to get in touch with Sister Amina or just the organization,
please look for the information in the description once the video is
published and you ADEA does that clock in for the 10 pound super
Thika Yay. Thank you so much. Now, let us go back over some of these
Amazing comments Masha Allah before we go into the, the
addiction side of things and then we want to go into the your spouse
being addicted side of things, we definitely want to cover both
sides of that in sha Allah. So this is an interesting question,
what are your thoughts on this? Because I cases I could be out of
touch. But I would have thought that sisters * is a
bigger problem than *. Have you found this to be the case? Know
anything about this? Or?
Let me just reread that sorry, I
like Muslim women in general women, I guess.
We had a big debate on the channel about what who qualifies as a
sister. That's what they're referring to when they say both
Nasir and your definition of sisters? Because we had a big
argument about what
sisters? What do you mean by sisters? So he's saying, you know,
like, basically, you know, Muslim women who are practicing and maybe
not so practicing. But that * may be a bigger
issue, addiction to the * more than the *,
but I don't know whether you have any information on that, or a view
on it. It's a huge subject, right? So it's, there are lots of
different reasons for this. So and there are a lot of I'm not saying
I'm not, you know, excusing it, I'm not endorsing it. And I'm not
promoting it. But what I am saying is that it's not been a real issue
for many women. And some of the examples I have seen recently
online. So for example, there and this is not in my therapeutic
space at all. This is people who are sharing anonymously, and you
know, like Facebook groups and things like this, there was a
woman who says that she has to masturbate every single day, even
though she's married, because her husband refuses to fulfill her
sexual desires. And my opinion was the unpopular one. I said, Well, I
think what we need to look at is we don't need a physical
requirement to feel, you know, sexually satisfied every single
day. Some people get that, and that may be no problem for their
husband, wife, their husband is different in terms of libido and
things like that, he really isn't obliged to make sure that she has
an * everyday, for example. And as what this says to me is
that there's some sexually addictive behavior going on here,
which is usually an avoidance behavior for something else like
anxiety. Right? So human behavior, right? So yeah, yeah. So and
that's, and it's short lived, it doesn't serve the long term goal
of the person, it doesn't serve the greater good of the community
at whole, you know, in general, but these are habits that develop
behind closed doors, you know, when people are often left to
their own devices, and she felt completely justified in viewing
* every day, or * every day, if her husband didn't
meet her sexual desires. And obviously, we know that, you know,
even where the scholars say that it's a lesser of two evils in
terms of like if somebody wants to, if somebody feels like they're
going to go out and commit Zina, for example, they say that, you
know, like, * is a lesser of an evil. And Zeno,
obviously, it's still definitely not discouraged, because it's so
addictive. Because I'm addicted Well, in marriage, they could end
up preferring that instead of their intimate relationship.
Now, I'm so glad that you picked up on this because I remember
having a conversation with another sister who's in this space. And
obviously we don't often talk about * with when it
comes to women because the conversation around * and *
addiction I find with Muslims is always it there's no so sorry. The
conversation about * is often conflated with conversations
about *. Right? And I don't think that there's a you're
correct me if I'm wrong, please. But I don't think that there is
any Islamic justification or excuse for * for viewing *.
Because * is like haram haram haram like, absolutely, absolutely
right. When it comes to *, then there are
levels, right. And there's there's viewpoints and opinions and stuff
like that. However, I remember when I asked the sister, you know,
you've got sisters out there who are you know, not virgins have
been married before they've had children, and they're not married.
And so they have their desires, they know their desires, and they
are not married, right? What is wrong with them fulfilling their
own desires and keeping themselves chaste so that they don't have to
go into you know, just marry the closest person to them? And you
know, she said, she said, I don't get into involved in the halal and
haram of it, because it is a fixed issue, right. But what I will say
is that the women who come to me who have developed a dependence on
*, in particular with toys, right, that those those toys
provide a particular type of stimulus that is, you cannot
replicate it. It's not natural, right? So you're getting a
particular type of stimulation that is unnatural, that cannot be
replicated, right, not under normal circumstances by a man. So
what she
That is what I fear for these women is that they are in a space
now where they will say to me, I don't need a man, I've got my
whatever, my rabbit, my toy, my whatever, I don't need a man. And
her perspective on it was, marriage is so much more than just
that it's so much more than just a tingle. It's so much more than
like an earth shattering *. But for many of the women that she
has been speaking to they it's almost like I don't need to get
married anymore. I don't have to kind of make peace with a man I
don't have to be patient with the process or goes through that
headache of having a maintaining a relationship, because I've got my
my toy. And she felt that that was something that in the long term
would be very damaging for those women and for their at their lives
moving forward. I know what your perspective is on that. Do you
think?
I think I always go with like the position that Allah is Most
Merciful. Absolutely. 100%. Right. So I know there are some people
who follow rulings that toys, no toys are solar allowed. And it's
only human body parts. And then there are other people like you
say, Who?
Okay, so
that means thing that I found really interesting was her her
assertion that, firstly, it's an unnatural stimulation, which makes
it difficult now, because if you're if you are pleasuring
yourself, and men know this as well, right, if you're pleasuring
yourself, you can usually get it done in a more efficient way.
Because hey, you're in your own body, you know what it feels like,
right? And so once you get used to that, sometimes you lose patience
with somebody else trying to do it for you. Because I can just, you
know, I mean, it's like a two minute job, right? And I remember
a sister telling me that her husband told her that he was
sitting with some friends, and he said, like, Okay, guys, so this is
a very inappropriate conversation, I probably shouldn't be talking
about it. But the conversation was basically like, would you rather
go to the wife and make them, you know, make the approach and do the
deed, or just get one out in the shower. And they also get one out
in the shower, because it's quicker, because it's easy, it's
fast. It's a quick hit, right? And the thing was, that if you, if you
start to become used to that, then that's what you become accustomed
to. And the other the other way it looks long. It looks tiresome,
it's a burden. It's like, I can't be bothered me, you know. So this
was it was it was a rewiring, she said, like, it becomes something
that you do, which is just a physical thing, and is no longer
emotional. It's no longer spiritual. It's no longer this
deep and beautiful thing that I lost when I die, like has created
to bring a husband and wife together. It's just a fix for you.
I don't know that was her perspective, I find it very
interesting. Did you ever watch, you've just reminded me of a very
early 1990s movie or 1980s movie that had Sylvester Stallone and
Sharon Bullock and Sandra Bullock in it, if you remember, and they
kind of like been frozen in time and they go, you got you gets
waken up out of this block of ice. And I don't know what year it is
probably 22,005 or something like that. But there's nothing like
2005 He's got flying cars and stuff. And you're thinking, why
are you even talking about examiner because they have virtual
* in it, right? What they do is they put a virtual reality headset
on, and they touch hands like this with like a set of gloves on don't
actually touch each other. And their imaginations basically play
out this virtual reality. Why am I talking about this? Is because it
basically took the intimacy away from intimacy, right, emotionally,
psychologically, and it made it all about that physical sensation
and release in that moment, but without actually doing it never
ended up. No actual physical contact. Yeah, but we know that
there's so much science, there's a reason, you know, that a law
creates, you know, hormones in men and women so that you just
naturally smell nice to each other, whether you're perfumed or
not, right, like the whole pheromones thing. And, you know,
human nature is the need to feel loved, you're not going to feel
loved by self satisfaction, like apart from self love, right? But
that's not the kind of love I'm talking about. I'm talking about
love from external places, whether it's from, you know, children, or
your husband or your wife or your parents. And we often, you know,
like people will go into adulthood not feeling that from their
parents, parents were overly affectionate and all this kind of
thing. So what she's talking about, I really, I do agree with
her that long term that's going to cause a problem. A female scholar
mentioned when we were talking about marriage in modern times for
Muslim women. And she said, The scariest thing about modern times
is she said that the only reason that Muslim women get married now,
she said quite often, and she wasn't generalizing about
everybody, but she was saying quite often is the case to have
children because everything else they can do by themselves.
And I was just like, my jaw kind of dropped now she wasn't
encouraging this, which
She was identifying that that's the been the level of the
breakdown of intimacy in the Muslim marriage. This is not our
history, this is not our tradition. This is post colonial
times we're living in, you know, our education system was kind of
like tips upside down, and everything was separated for a
secular and sacred, and, you know, they were all one thing, you know,
right opens like the 1850s. And that really did change the way
that we learned about, you know, like, our heritage, and our
tradition and all that, including, you know, like, obviously, the
sexuality and neurotology side of being wholesome in our marriage.
And we got to try and break out of that for future generations,
because I'm not an advocate necessarily for toys, except in a
supplementary fashion. You know, they're there to kind of
what's the right ways things up,
when not to substitute never to substitute for their support, not
substitute, you know, so unless somebody's literally got erectile
dysfunction, and the both incomplete consent that this is
what they would like to do to have that closeness together. Only ever
you together. I'm all for that I actually wasn't aware that it was
a thing so far, believe it or not that Muslim women were doing this
independently or married? I'm not that shocked by it.
Why would you be if they're watching bridgerton? Baby? Come on
now.
But here's the thing, like Bridget is not about * toys, is Oh, no,
it's about humans. So the real yearning is about that physical
intimacy that is portrayed on the screen, which actually, you know,
often doesn't look like it. It does on the screen, you know, and
it is often experienced in that way, you know, like it yeah, it's
obviously the, the scenes don't last very long anyway. And no,
like, people being intimate together can last so much longer
and be so much more meaningful. Like, it puts so many unrealistic
expectations, like there's all these stereotypes about men not
lasting long enough, or lasting too long, or going three times and
I are lasting all night in one sitting. And it's a bit like, just
be in the moment. Just yeah, it's so I find that that type of talk,
which is very common in today's society, I just find it so
commodifying, you know, it really makes * into a performance,
right? And you have to perform to impress somebody, right?
Whereas that, that speaks to
a level of
awareness of what else is possible. And what else is out
there, right. Now, for people who've been married more than
once, obviously, you know, they do have an awareness, right. But we
have awareness of people who have not even been with, right, because
we've heard so many people talk about it, we've seen so many
people enact it, we've heard so many songs about it, literally,
our society is saturated, right? With descriptions of this act,
right? So when you come to have your moments now, your private
moments, these moments of halaal, of, of baraka of, of, of a Bader,
right.
And you can't be in that moment, because you're playing out all the
different scenes that you've seen, and, and you're kind of got a
mental scorecard for like, like you said, you know, how it looks,
how it doesn't look, how it feels, how it doesn't feel, how it
sounds, how it shouldn't sound, and all of this stuff, I agree
with you, I think it really takes away from from, you know, from the
the essence of it, because it becomes a performer performance,
you know,
because, you know, the actual, you know, sexual exchange with the
spouse, like, let's just put the * aside one moment, that sexual
exchange, Allah has written what your * is going to be like
already, like, Allah knows you that much. Allah knows whether
you're going to be mindful. And in the moment, you're going to
dedicate yourself to that sacred time Bismillah you know, or you're
not, you're going to be absent, you're going to be reliving and
rethinking, you know, and yeah, we just, we just need to get back on
track with that. And with that,
yeah, sorry, go ahead. You're gonna ask me something that I
interjected sorry. No, no, no, no, there we were. We were in flow.
You were good. You were good.
Yeah, distance relationships. I think, to be fair, guys, okay,
let's let's take * out of this conversation for for a moment,
because I think couples who are in long distance relationships, you
know, married couples in long distance relationships, you know,
they just have to just do some some stuff that is maybe not the
norm for most people, right, who are together every single day or
on a regular basis. So let's leave them to do what they need to do
within the bounds of halal and let's not police them too much
because they've got like they've got a lot of heavy lifting to do.
That those of us who are in kind of face to face situations, we
don't have to necessarily even think about that.
Right, because if you imagine and I know so many sisters who used to
live in Egypt with the kids, and the husband was working in the US
or in the UK, they would be gone for months at a time, right months
at a time. And these were men who didn't have, you know, other wives
or anything, they were literally just working in the country of
origin to be able to, you know, pay for the family to stay in the
Muslim country to learn Quran, etc. So you imagine, like, he
needs to keep his chest steady, he needs to be able to, you know,
lower his gaze right and get some kind of release. Similarly, for
the wife, although it may not be as extreme for her because she's
busy and she's navigating this, you know, she's running the family
single handedly. But I'm sure that those couples, well, they had to
have some conversations right about okay, well, how can we a you
know, stay away from haram and make sure that we fulfill
ourselves together in this virtual spaces, this distance space, but
also, how can we maintain an intimate connection when we're not
together? Right, so let's leave them. Let's leave them to figure
that out.
Let's leave them to figure that out, inshallah. And not, you know,
kind of put too many restrictions on them because they're in
a situation that is ajeeb. That is abnormal, right? And they've got
more than enough, more than enough to deal with. Okay, let's see.
There was a question here about sisters.
A single sisters. So here we go. Tip for all the single sisters
struggling with their desires, the old traditional fasting and try
the fasting and taking herbs like chaste tree berry as it reduces
the libido and start looking into the lifestyle of monks.
So one of the things I remember you said in your conversation in
the intimacy conversation was, on the one hand, we have desire that
is natural to us, right? We all have a natural level of libido.
For some, it's high. For some, it's low. For some, it's just
average. But there's a natural urge that we have, then there is
stimulus for the urge, right? There's outside stimulus, there's
what we see what we talk about what we think about what we
consume, how we use our time how we use our bodies, right? Could
you just touch on that a little bit? Because I think it's helpful
you really, mashallah like your talk. And guys, if you haven't
seen a CES that I'm going to talk actually on, I think it's called
Help, my husband doesn't want me. And I'll definitely link it in the
description, because it has been viewed 1000s of times, obviously,
really spoke to a need out there. But in that video, you talked
about how sisters who are not in a position to fulfill their desires
in a halal way, can basically control themselves so that they
don't end up doing something that they will regret. Do you want to
just touch on that briefly again, Inshallah, obviously, will point
them towards the video itself. Yeah, so I'm a big fan of
practical solutions that make a difference here and now, right. So
it's like, if you starting to feel anxious or apprehensive about the
urge in itself, you need to seek some kind of like emotional first
aid, like breath work, you need to maybe you know, even just check in
with yourself and say, dear heart, what do you truly want right now?
And the answer almost always, is to do the right thing, right? So
you're checking in with your intention you're checking back in
with a lot, ultimately, is what you're doing and reminding
yourself of your ultimate reality, which is not being stuck with that
urge. But if that doesn't stop you in your tracks, and you're
starting to think, Well, what else can I do? How can I redirect this
energy or attention or drive that starting to develop? Then I would
always suggest, I'm trying to remember what I actually suggested
on that day. It was one of them was to watch what you're reading
and watching.
So like I said earlier on today, you know, everybody talks about
fasting, as in the traditional sense, no food, no water, but we
really do need to be careful what we consume with our eyes and our
ears. And that includes,
you know, what we're reading on our phone, what we're reading in
books, especially these steamy books, they're not your best
friend, if you're not married, and you can't handle that, well,
they're not even your best friend when you are married to be honest
with you, because they still just paint such unrealistic that those
books I'm just going to level it out.
You shouldn't be on the shelf, okay, just like you wouldn't have
that movie on the shelf. Those books even though they're marketed
in a very different way. Like there's been lots of things made
into movies over the last few years right and they focus very
much on really objectifying, you know, kind of content when it
comes to the surrender and submission of these damsels in
distress who need this passion and all this kind of thing is really
not the place to go. So you need to fast
From what you're reading and fast for what you're watching and fast
from what you're listening to so if you notice that a particular
type of beat in a music or you know like an okay mentioned music
and the way people on this thinking our the we lay, you know,
shouldn't be listening to music at all. Some people do listen to
music, but sometimes they don't stick to the music that is
considered disliked as opposed to harass. Listen, girl. No, no, no,
no, can I just say, Wait, I need I need to just just jump in here.
Okay, this issue of music, right? Again, not here to say Halal haram
the scholars this because you know, there are there's a variety
of opinions out there. But But But what I will say, I have never up
until now. And again, please correct me if I'm wrong. I have
never heard any scholar justify a Muslim listening to the type of
music that is popular and common today that our kids listen to,
that our young people listen to, that's topping the charts. Right?
So you know, it's like, okay, musical instruments. Yes. Let's
have a big fickle conversation about it and all the rest of it.
Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. But if we were to sit down and read
through the lyrics of some of the songs that are out there, we
couldn't write because haram, haram, you know, we couldn't do
it. Right? We just, we could we could not do it. Right. So there
needs to be a level of honesty there as well, even for people who
listen to music is like, Okay, fine. If you believe that you help
follow the opinion that it's permissible, fine. But what are
you listening to? You know, what are you taking in? My non Muslim
mother has called the music industry audio * since the 90s.
Yeah, she's just not a general fun of it. And she, even the way music
culture changed from like the 80s and early 90s, into the late 90s.
And then into the naughties as they call it, not naughty, as in
you're naughty, naughty.
Considering the conversation, the reason I'm mentioning this is
because we don't even realize what effect that's having on our
hearts. But you can, you can absolutely guarantee it's having
an effect on your heart. It's having an effect on your
subconscious psyche around, you know, where you're channeling your
energy in any given moment. And, you know, we pray that Allah finds
us in places he loves to see us, and not in places that you know,
he hates to see us. Yeah.
And so what these things do, they always plant a thought, and
everybody has intrusive thoughts. It's a fact of life. And some
people are really great at putting them off, you know, that initial
thought of I've got this tension, I've got this energy, I'm not
married. So it's not allowed for me to do anything with it. Ask
yourself how you got there that day? What led to that thought?
Like what made this thought pop in there? What was happening just
before what was listening to it was watching, you know, what
questions to the self. And the reason why I suggest these is
because it helps us identify what that trigger is. And so you need
avoiding whatever those things are, this is a healthy avoidance,
because this doesn't serve us for the sake of Allah, this is not
going to bring us closer to Allah, you know, and rushing into
marriage, because you've got a lot of tension in your body for that
is not a good reason to rush off and get married, you know,
absolutely not. So, you know, doing a physical sport is always
highly encouraged, you know, doing something like that. But if you're
not a physical person, do look to take on a hobby that really deeply
emotionally fulfills you, it might be something you only dreamed
about. You don't even need to tell anybody about it. If you're
feeling a bit embarrassed about it, as long as it's a positive way
to channel your emotional energy. You know, it's something that will
help pacify you until a time where you can and obviously, what's your
food dates are not your friend, if you're a young person. I remember
you said that dates are not your friend. Why are dates not your
friend? Dates are a hot food. And they're an aphrodisiac, right? Oh,
yeah. So like they say chocolates and aphrodisiac dates are often an
aphrodisiac for people. So when people are trying to improve their
libido, when they are married, they'll often eat more dates. So
don't eat too much, even though we love to maybe have one instead of
three, or three instead of
you know, and things like that. So I'm hoping that they're helpful,
but when we find things that deeply emotionally fulfill us, we
look less for external things to pour into us to give us that and
ultimately that's where true happiness lies. Because when you
find your connection with Allah is unparalleled to any other
connection you have in this life, and that's the goal, right? With a
la so yeah. 100% Okay. All right. So we've, there's more to pick up.
Some people asked if the show is live. Yes, we are live hamdulillah
over 100 people in the room. I haven't checked the likes on the
video though. Can someone check the likes, please make sure you
get those likes up please make sure you get those likes up. If
you haven't liked the video yet, then just go ahead and do that. If
you haven't subscribed to the channel yet, then go ahead and do
that.
And somebody mentioned as well about
You know, being afraid of marrying somebody who has a * addiction?
Personally, I'm a fan of asking the question outright, whether
they'll tell you the truth or not is something else. But I would
definitely ask what do you think?
Who me? Yeah. All right, okay. So purify your gaze is very clear
policy about this, that if anybody wants to get married, they, you
know, that they put off getting married for at least 12 months
after sobriety from the addiction. And the reason for that is because
it really does affect the loved one that they're living with on a
multiple levels, because women have all kinds of I mean, we're
gonna go into this, I think you said anyway, but you know, those
holes, thoughts and feelings around? Is it me? Is this why he's
looking at that? Because I'm not shaped like this, and I haven't
got, you know, * like that, or I haven't got legs like that,
or whatever. Because let's be honest, that all those things are
all out that, you know, and then somewhat, and we won't go into
that specifically. So but the point being is that there's
clearly not there's something wrong with me. And that's why he
and absolutely not, that really couldn't be further from the
truth. His * addiction is about him and his lack of fulfillment,
most of the time, way before he got married, it's, it's rooted,
usually quite often, in adolescence or childhood, or very
early adulthood, you know, and women often take on this self
critique position of comparing ourselves. And honestly, it is
not, it's not you, it's him. It's his problem. He absolutely should
be 100% honest about it. And that's one of the other things
that the, the CEO insists doesn't, that's the policy is that, you
know, if they do decide they're gonna get married within that 12
months, or while they've not completed a program of recovery,
if you like, that they do disclose very clearly, you know, like, I
have got this addiction, this is how it affects me. Are you
prepared to get married to me while I'm recovering from this and
then allow the person can inform decision? That's a scary
conversation, let's be honest, for sure. This is the kind of honesty
that we should expect when we're getting to know somebody for
marriage. It's a bit like some lady say, how do you know who to
marry in terms of if that person's not been married before? And
you've not been married before? How do you know you're going to
align on you know, like a sexual level, kind of like, you know, in
terms of how frequent you would like it? And of course, that's a
very difficult question. So a good thing to do, of course, is only
marry somebody who says I'm committed to personal growth. And
I'm happy to learn and explore ways for us to complement each
other. However, that works out once we're married, and be open
and vulnerable, and ready to learn. Because just because we got
married doesn't mean we arrived. That's the start. It's just the
start of the journey. 100% 100% upon Allah and sis says, somebody
says, I'm going to do a KS, one of these days, if the lights don't go
up, we're going off air. So true. So so true. If the likes are only
at 34, and we have 114 of you in the room, then we need those likes
to go up, please. Okay. Thank you very much. Thank you nicely. Now,
Adil says,
maybe the addiction will go away after marriage because he will get
fulfillment from his wife who wasn't there earlier. Correct me
if I'm wrong. Is that true? Not usually. No. Because
I mean, it's wishful thinking. It really is, like,
people who are in addicted to * don't stop wants to
get married, because that instant gratification fulfillment, like
you mentioned that two minute quick fix. Yeah, yep. You know,
it's a guaranteed so what we have when we're growing up, and this is
one of the excellent modules that you've covered as a participant in
the program is uncovering the hidden needs that weren't met as a
child. And they're like,
unanswered, so children all need a certain level of certainty to know
that they feel safe and secure. Children also need a level of
uncertainty because human nature is we need variety and diversity
to keep us stimulated and interested in life. So we don't
get bored to death. Right? Yeah. Another one is to feel connected.
Another one is to feel loved. Another one is to feel
significant. And there are a few more there are six altogether.
Yeah. And what you do is you answer a questionnaire about this
on yourself. And what if you get married to somebody who you find
it difficult to have an intimacy conversation with?
You know, the first thing this person is going to do or what
somehow I'm going to do what they do, right? And oh, you have any
any any bumps in the road is like, oh, forget that as long? Oh, this
is the thing about addiction, right? There's gonna be bumps in
the road, there's going to be lapses. It's okay. Allah knows
you're going to continue to make some mistakes, because he knows
you've made sincere intention to rectify this, because this really
does get people to the point where they literally can't function on a
daily basis without either viewing something or acting on something
or trying to recreate something and often, you know, like, I mean,
even women, for example, and I mean, you know, we know like all
the sexual positions, for example, are allowed and you
We know if the two major her arms, right? I'm sure I don't need to
say what they are, I will just in case anybody doesn't need to know.
So * * is not allowed and Secretary administration is not
allowed. And there's a difference opinion about a variety of other
issues when it comes to sexual intimacy. The reason I'm
mentioning this is because some women will say my husband will
only approach me
doesn't like the look of my stomach after I've given birth,
and he doesn't want to see me from the front.
That's unacceptable one. Because how dare we dishonor the body of a
woman that's carried our children, even if it doesn't look like we've
seen on TV for the rest of her life, bodies change seasons change
and women? Agents? Sodor men, right? So it's like, even though
there's a variety of ways to enjoy intimacy, it's about intellectual,
emotional, physical and spiritual connection. None of those things
are present during * addiction.
And that's why it doesn't just go Tada hamdulillah it's gone. It
just is not usually the case.
I could say a lot about the stomach issue, but I won't. I'll
let you guys drag him in the comments. Or say whatever it is
that you want to say in the comments. I'm not going to say
anything because we're only at 59 likes, which means that at least
almost half of the people in the room have not hit the like button.
So we're going to take a little chill and a pause so that we can
get the likes up. I'm watching guys. See, I'm watching. I am
watching to see those likes go up. I want to see them get to at least
70. Okay, we're on 59 right now. And that's because I liked one. So
then I got it from 58 to 59. You guys can take it up to 70 in sha
Allah it for DeLeeuw. Right now let's see. Let's see what else we
got in the comments here in sha Allah.
De Ruvo says turn off the lights.
If it's an issue. Our bill says that is a very bad man. Take the L
L for a man like that. Okay.
Somebody asked what qualifies as an addiction and brother rules of
habit which you're doing what you don't want to do? I think you
mentioned something about there being an anxiety there, right that
if you don't do it, it it makes you anxious. Is that Is that how
we are? Yes, it's mood altering, meaning that you become grouchy,
grumpy, irritable, angry, frustrated, furious, raging, if
you can't escape and fulfill whatever need that is visually,
physically, or whatever it may be at the time, obviously, for
smokers, they run outside and have a cigarette. And all of a sudden
the world makes sense to them for five minutes again, of course, a
few hours later wanting to kill everybody. You know, if they don't
get outside and have a cigarette again?
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Hamdulillah. Thank you guys, like so up to 72
I'm happy now.
Right now the thing is, okay, so this is this is interesting,
right? Because I think that, okay, so I'm gonna come out and say
this, there was a big Ferrari, and that is a big Ferrari, let's be
honest about a certain site, giving people the option to state
their sexual preference on their, on their profile, right.
And people didn't like that. I thought that that was out of
pocket. That's rude. It's you know, and Islamic, etc. And from
my experience, and from being in a space of certainly older people
getting remarried. So after the first marriage, this is not a
conversation that necessarily applies to virgins and people who
are young. But once you've been married once, twice, or however
long, my my understanding, especially in the West, is that
those conversations will take place, right? The brother or the
sister is going to ask at some point, what are you into? Or
what's a non negotiable? Or like how, you know, what's the
frequency that you expect? There's going to be that conversation,
because the way that we all now, that side of life and that side of
a marriage is is such an important part, that to not talk about it?
It's almost negligible. It's almost negligence, right? Because
nobody wants to go in blind. Let me know your thoughts on that. And
guys in the comments as well. Yeah, I'm I had, do I have a
skewed sample? Do you think that that's not the case that you know,
Muslims are not having those conversations before they marry,
especially when it's their second or third marriage? What do you
guys think? Not virgins guys, we're not talking about them.
Leave them out of it. Sis, Amina, what's been your experience of
people who are on the search for marriage? Do they have those
conversations? Is there a respectful way to have those
conversations?
I think so. I think
More people, especially people who've been through. Okay, so my
subjective experience professionally and personally is
the female one, obviously. So I'm predominantly female influenced,
right? So I see a lot of the women's side of the story animal
were objectively that there's also the man side of the story, and
that's okay. And I'll sit somewhere in between those, you
know, the actual truth, Allah knows the actual truth, and we've
got his truth and her truth and etc. I am always
advocating this so important to have this conversation, it is a
non negotiable conversation as far as I'm concerned. And then it's a
conversation in a conversation, right? So
I see online, more and more women are having this conversation to
you know, they've had a difficult time quite often, you know, in one
way or another, whether it's through loss, or whether it's
through divorce, or whether it's through, you know, and you know,
it's very rare you come across a lady who's like, oh, yeah, we got
on great. We just, you know, weren't compatible in some way. So
we got divorced, there's usually a, you know, big story behind why
that is. And they are often asking the questions, I feel in the
spaces that I find myself in online, they're often asking these
questions. But I think we need to, you know, it really is important
that we strike a healthy balance between, you know, sexual
satisfaction in marriage, and building intimacy in a healthy
way. And using * as an avoidance behavior for other things in the
sense that I'm going to share a really unpopular opinion now.
Warren, thank you very much. This is another conversation for
another day, and we will have this conversation is by polygyny. And a
wife said, your wife, number one, if my husband has been intimate
with me every day for the last 15 years, and then decides to take
another wife, and that means I won't be satisfied every day.
Should I stay? Or should I leave? And I said to her, and it was not
the popular opinion. Let me just lay this out. And some people
here, I'm sorry, of people polygyny is triggers. Anybody here
on the fence are about it. And like, there's great benefit in it
being done, right. And you know, where it's beneficial to people.
And there's not secrecy and all this kind of thing. But there's
also, you know, like, I'm not really in favor of people having a
load of secret wives are not allowed. But you know, even ones
too much, where she's not given the due care and respect that
she's really, you know, deserving. I said, if your husband suddenly
became unwell, and was unable to perform
sexual gratification changes if your husband loses his job.
And he's no longer able to provide the same standard of living, would
you leave? You know, so it's my big fat loss? Quote, yeah, these
are hard questions. And the truth is, when it's not involving
another human or another woman, they would not leave, they would
accept that is, you know, and I was trying to illustrate, I'm not
trying to gaslight anybody here. But we do need to consider that
all of our music is written by Allah. And Allah decides what is
what we can handle and what we can't etc. Right. You know, so be
open to the possibilities, you know. And so, obviously, you know,
it didn't, it's not they jump on you did they jump on? A lot of
angry faces, it was on Facebook, and they were like, and I was just
like, I'm just thrown out there, you know? Okay, so wait, wait,
wait, wait a second. Let's, let's pause here. What was the popular
opinion, then? I'm really curious. The popular opinion was sister you
should not accept a cut in there as you have a God given right to
sexual gratification. And I said, She absolutely does. But there are
lots of things that can affect this. And when you think back to
like the time of the Prophet sallallahu sallam, quite often
people had more than one wife. And they often weren't with the same
woman every single day, there was always a few days, you know,
because it was a few wives kind of thing. And that was the social
norm at the time. So I think, you know, when women are having
regular fulfilling a quality and the even once or twice a week,
it's not about, you know, I'm not saying don't do it every day, if
you're both on board with that gratification out of it. I'm not
saying that. But what I'm saying is just be mindful of feeling
jealous of anything else, take the polygyny thing out of the
conversation from it, because that's fueled with jealousy. But
anyway, you know, like, say, husband decides he wants to stop
playing tennis once a week and interrupt your schedule for this.
You know, like, we have to allow him to feel he's cold outside of
the marriage, too. So like, let's not worry too much about it. Oh,
yeah.
No, I can imagine you are not very, very popular with that. And
actually, so panelized so crazy that you say that because I went
on a rant yesterday on my channel. I just went live in the middle of
the day, and I just had a big grant. And one of the questions
was this issue of, you know, what if I have to downsize my family,
because he's taken on somebody else, and my point was exactly as
you said, if
He quit his job. Would you have to downsize? You know, if he was
moved to another part of the company and they reduced his pay?
Would you have to downsize? And if you did, would you leave him?
Like, let's be honest, but let's not go into polygamy, because
we're talking about that on Friday. So let's, let's, let's
stay here, let's stay here, right where we are. So okay, guys, um,
we could end up talking about this for ages. But I want us to get
into the conversation about the impact that a husband's *
addiction has on the marriage. Now, some people think that, from
the outside, that when a man is involved in, you know, viewing
*, slash *, he is a highly sexual creature, and he's
not able to fulfill himself with his wife, or, you know, she is not
able to fulfill him as much as he needs. And therefore he turns to
this, what's actually going on from the acting side of things,
sort of the Is it true? Is it that the person is highly sexual? And
that's the only way that they can be fulfilled? Or what's going
what's going on?
Well,
I think there's an element of certainty isn't there in *
addiction, you know, what's going to happen.
And there's an element of certainty and *, you
usually know what's going to happen.
So what this person is doing, it doesn't, even though he's acting
out sexually, doesn't mean that he's highly
hurt, as you put it a moment, like highly sexually charged or
something like that, right? So it's not, we have to be really
clear about discovering ourselves and knowing ourselves, when we
know ourselves, that's when we start to know a lot of property,
right? So, and the reason I'm mentioning this is because it's so
important on this whole path of really, truly knowing yourself. So
what a person is doing when they're viewing *, and they're
acting out sexually, you know, like, through *.
Viewing or * itself is their self soothing, because of
one of those unmet needs quite often, right.
And this is just how it's, you know, how it's evolved in their
life, it may not have started like that in childhood, it may have
been something completely different. And it'd be the same
with many people who have developed a some kind of addiction
of any other kind, it just so happens that some people, it's
this particular type of addiction. So even as long as a person is
viewing *, they will continue to be sexually frustrated with the
spouse, because they're constantly going to be comparing the spouse
to an extent, you might say that they're not. And maybe they're not
giving them the benefit, the doubt, maybe they're not, it's
difficult to imagine how they wouldn't be if they're getting
constant bombardment of viewing of other people's most intimate
areas. And this is why it's so pernicious, you know, to the
marital relationship, because even if a wife doesn't know about it,
he's constantly thinking about whatever he's absorbed, you know.
And
it's not just about abstinence, it's about finding alternative
coping mechanisms for those unmet needs as a child in adulthood,
that helps you arrived in a healed place where you can really start
showing up in intimacy where you can start to have conversations
you've always been scared off, right? So it's not an excuse. Or
we all have excuses for the poor behavior that we have whatever the
poor behavior is, right? You know, like none of us, you know,
we've got impervious to sin, none of us are impervious to sin. So,
you know, the truth is, we'll all find a rationale or an excuse or a
context.
The important thing is to just contextualize Why am I have done
that? Not everybody were able to do this alone. And that's fine.
And that's why we have programs like the purifi you gave purifi
gaze program and or the therapeutic support in place for
this and a range of other directions, is because sometimes
you and I know this is a therapist, I have superiors I go
to and I'm like, I'm stuck in the weeds with this. And it's like, I
don't know, Am I close this emotionally, it's like, you know,
and somebody else will see in an instant, what I'm missing. So it's
always helpful to have the other set of eyes, ears and another
heart, to stand there openly, or sit there openly with you, and
help you understand why we keep resorting to that, and it is
almost never
the wife's fault. It's always something that's come way before
her and that's why it's so important that
this support, you know, like it affects the addict big time
affects the person who's consuming this awful content. But the truth
is, it's affecting his ability to be intimate truly in a sacred way
with like Alaris for her so it acts as a block and a barrier to
really deep spiritual intimacy and physical intimacy. Lots of men
develop EDI, because the obviously real life scenario isn't as I
don't want to say
aesthetically pleasing? Because I think that's a really poor way to
describe the sacred reality of the Muslim women is the gap between
expectation and reality, right? The bigger the gap between the
expectation and the reality. That's the frustration, right?
That's. So if you've got this completely unrealistic view of
what a woman's body looks like, and you just have a real woman in
front of you, it's like, Oh, why is that that? Why is that this?
You know, why doesn't it look like that? Why doesn't it look like
this because your brain is used to and conditioned to what that
expectation was the unrealistic one?
So I'm not sure if I directly answered your question. No, but I
feel like I definitely touched on it a little. No, no, no, you did.
You did. So okay. So no, it's important, because I think what
what you're doing is kind of drawing us back to the idea that
this addiction is not because somebody is hypersexual, or
because they are so sexual, that they can't be satisfied by a woman
or whatever, there's something deeper firstly, that is that is
that is that is expressing itself in this behavior. And it's a self
soothing, it's some kind of
some kind of therapy, I guess, or numbing, or avoidance. And, you
know, basically, it's a behavior that's coming from from some from
a different place. It's not to do with the SEC, so then what happens
in a marriage, then, is he's still able to perform? Does it affect
affect the way that they can be together? And how can a woman deal
with that? Because definitely, we wanted to be able to provide
something helpful and therapeutic for sisters whose husbands are
currently addicted to this.
Well, this is the thing, isn't it? You know, some women know. And
this is the really sad situation that the husbands are sloping off
into another room intentionally sleeping in different rooms, and
blaming the birth of children and co sleeping as a reason for a
reduction in intimacy. And, you know, the truth really is, is
like, I'm a fan of co sleeping, by the way, like, I think it's great.
And I think people should do that, while the children are young,
especially while the children are being nursed in a safe place, you
know, because we're not people who drink and smoke and take lots of
drugs.
You know, that's where it's a concern, where people have that
kind of lifestyle, not with people who have, you know, fairly clean
lifestyle in terms of food consumption, and things like that.
So, you know, it can show up in a range of ways. She might know, and
he doesn't know, she knows. And she may have confronted him and
said, You know, I basically feel like you've completely cheated on
me. And that's natural, that feeling of betrayal. Well, if he's
been looking at other naked women, why would you not feel that way?
You know, like, some women feel like their husbands are cute and
close to cheating on them just by a second glance at a woman who's
got a hijab on
level. So this Yep.
That was it's like, that was a second look, be careful kind of
thing. You know, just to bring a bit of humor in here. And then you
know that the truth is, the Betrayal hurts and it hurts deep.
And it's okay to feel betrayed by this. It's no less valid than if
it was, because let's be honest, right? If you're, if you find out
your husband, I mean, going to a strip club. Yeah, well, the dance
*. And they they're out there, you know, like in loads of the
western cities, you're going to feel like he's cheated on you,
you're going to feel like he's paid to go to this place. And we
most *, * is free. That's the sad thing. The vast majority
of * content on the internet is completely free. And that's what
makes it so accessible to people is that,
you know, this support for him. And now, in Sharla, there's going
to be support for the women. And one of the things while we you
know, like, while we're working towards providing like this female
only space part of purify your gaze, because it's been heavily
utilized by men, so far, due to the stats, and everything, is that
there isn't acknowledgement that you know, like the women really
need looking after to, you know, there are some women that are
addicted to *. And I've known women over the years who've told
me that they were addicted to *, but it's often come from a
place of curiosity, a lack of education, as opposed to the just
want to watch something that seemed decent. It's been education
and * education, and then wanting to know more, but because
of the way it psychologically affects you, people want to look
at it again. And what about this? What about that? And of course,
the view and view more more. So anyway, I digress a little bit,
they're still on topic, but not quite so. So, you know, it's
important that women know they can seek support, you don't need your
husband support to get you don't need your husband's permission to
get support for feeling betrayed by his sexually addictive
behaviors, you know, and that kind of thing. Or, you know, his *
addiction, and you're not alone. There's lots of, I mean, it's the
sad reality but there's a really, I see a lot of
Strength in healing comes from other women feeling less isolated,
like
even being in a space where you can say, I mean, I'm not saying
this is the first person, my husband would go nuts
or women who are in this situation, and this is what
they've discovered about their husband in their marriage. You
know, like, my husband's been doing this as well. And I
completely blame myself and having peer to peer support of, it's not
your fault, sister, you never to blame for this, you never deserve
this. And these types of spaces that are very specific about, you
know, this type of subject, because there's not a lot out
there. Let's be honest to support Yeah, is really important, you
know, and taking that step. It's a scary step. Any kind of sports
bodies, it's not greater than Allah subhanho wa taala, you know,
that fear that you've taken that step? So I encourage you all, you
know, to take this step if you need to, definitely, definitely,
this is one of those things and hamdulillah like, we know that
it's, you know, so So unfortunately, so widespread, but
now we do have resources that are Muslim friendly, Muslim centric,
Islamic inspired to help you guys so definitely don't feel that you
have to suffer alone. You're not alone. There's unfortunately so
many other people in the same boat. So yeah, definitely guys,
you know, do reach out for help if you need it. There's a question
here that I thought we could answer Inshallah, because it may
apply. What if someone who was addicted for 10 years but has quit
for six months? And now identifies as someone who doesn't consume it?
Should he tell a future spouse about the addiction? I think you
touched on this what's what's the what's the scoop?
Oh, so I think
the party line for purify your gaze if you like, if you want to
call it that, is at least a 12 to 18 months rioting.
Yeah, that's zero consumption, zero sexual acting out because
you've arrived in a place of no, I really unpassed this. What not? I
mean, like, I'll be honest with you, all right. I grew up with
people with addictions all around me, not necessarily a *, but
like, my dad was an alcoholic. And he's not drunk. Now. He was drunk
for like the first from when I was about four till I was 20. Ones
like 16 years, okay, like 17 years, something like that. And
he's not drunk since I was 21. And he still says, I still think about
is like I won't do it is because I know it's a slippery slope kind of
thing. Yeah, but he is like, adamant that, you know, it is only
one decision away from relapse, if you like, you know, but he's not
been through a wholesome program, like what they've got, he's just
on the cold turkey thing, like a lot of Westerners do with AAA and
all that kind of thing. And that's fine. With the purify you guys
program. It looks to permeate into multiple aspects of your life, so
that you're not living, like you're living in freedom from *
addiction, as opposed to I've quit something you're not quitting was
never part of you in the first place. You know, it was something
to in moments of pain quite often or discomfort in some way, shape,
or form. And that's why when they interviewed me, and I asked loads
of questions, and I'm always like, I really love this. I really love
how comprehensive this program is because it doesn't just look after
the * addiction. It's there to cater for, you know, the widest
spread. Let's get you genuinely in a place where you've got get you
healed. Allow unity of coping mechanisms for living in this
crazy world that we're in right now.
100% Subhanallah sister ask the question, I won't highlight it
Inshallah, just to respect her privacy but she said that she
broke her hymen from watching * and * with toys and
she's not been married. And now she is really ashamed of the
thought of her future husband thinking that she lost her
virginity because she's actually slept with somebody else. How to
deal with this situation? Should she disclose should she what she
should do? Know disclosure? I say no disclosure.
I say no disclosure. Personally. I said there's no need if you've
stopped there's no need to tell him. I don't know what say you.
It's whether it's Is this like a habitual thing that still ongoing
or is this something that says she says quit? She was quite sense.
Okay, so I would say like I said to the last question, if it's been
over 12 months, and there's been no acting out with the toys and
things like that. And you're not planning to get married like
straight away, then obviously you need to at least grant yourself or
if you do, relapse, any of anybody watching this, invite yourself to
some forgiveness about it as a part of the healing journey,
right? Because we all
All I need doesn't mean it's the end. And it doesn't mean you need
to fall into a pit of despair. And it doesn't mean you don't for No,
no, no. It's part of what can I learn from this? Something
happened and it was going so well, right? So it's been over 12
months, then the purify your gaze line for it, as I know, I'm sure
they will correct me if I'm wrong, is that that wouldn't need to be
disclosed. And any broken hymen, whether it is true horse riding or
sport of some kind, or, you know,
correct me if I'm wrong, I'm here. I believe we're from a tradition
where, you know, like, things like that it's not even there's not a
conversation.
It's not even a conversation at my marriage. Right? I know that there
is there are communities that check sheets and things like that.
I personally have reliable anyway, is unreliable. No, it's not from
the Sunnah. And it's unreliable anyway, because not all women, not
all girls will have an intact time and then it doesn't have to be
from sexual activity. And not all women bleed as well, on the first
time. Who would argue so? Yeah, that's that's cultural stuff.
We're not going to bring that in.
And yeah, I think I think probably, I would guess, and I
could be wrong on this. But I would guess that the way that a
man would know if his wife is, or would would get the impression
that his wife is a virgin and chase and untouched on the wedding
night is more like how she presents herself, I would guess
because I think men have an idea that a girl who is a virgin is
going to be shy, right that she's going to be shy. She may be a
little bit, you know, a little bit. Um, what's the word I'm
looking for? Not scared.
What is it?
Bashful shy, but no, just, you know, have a bit of trepidation,
right? Because it's her first time, right? And that's normal.
So like, maybe don't go full pornstar on him on day one,
because maybe that might not go down very well.
Does Danny take it easy this way you feel your way through, you
know, especially if you haven't had true experience, don't go in
there wanting to act out stuff that you saw, I would definitely
advise against that. Because that, for me is a and again, I'm not an
expert, guys, feel free to rip my advice to shreds. But that's not,
that's just not what I'm gonna say. Going in with the idea of
what you saw on the things that you saw, whether it was films,
whether it was reading books, or whatever, on your first time isn't
a good idea. Because that space with your husband is a co created
sacred space, right? Where you need to show up as yourself,
right? You, you need to show up as yourself true as who you are in
this intimate space with your Hello spouse, right? If you're
bringing is giving bridgerton It's giving, you know, girls gone wild
or whatever you're performing, you're putting on a performance,
right? Because you've never really truly been in that space before.
So you have no idea how you will feel how you will see, you know,
like just just just how to navigate that space in a true real
environment. You only know fiction, right? So I would say
leave the friction at the door and be open to explore with your
husband. That's what I would say and go in there. Don't try to look
like you know it all, you know, or like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, just just go in and be natural. Just be natural. And hey,
you know what, if your natural is wild and crazy, then you have to
deal with that.
You know?
Like, I don't know, I mean, what did the guy say? I want to see
what the brothers have to say about this.
Or if she pretended to be shy, she may pretend to be shy. You know?
You want her to pretend that she's shy anyway, stop yourself. Stop
that. Stop that.
Certainly at the beginning, you wanted to pretend that she's shy.
Okay. Can you label yourself as someone who's chaste if you've
consumed *?
Wow, well, this person says the definition of chastity is having
not engaged in premarital *. So hey,
what are we gonna say about that?
Well,
I think that's a scholarly question. Really, isn't it? I
think it's a scholarly question. And I also think that it's an
unfair question in today's society, guys, let's let's just
keep it keep it a buck. If you look at a regular like,
tell you a movie. I did watch lately, right? Because I'm not you
know, faultless person. Not that old movies are horrifically bad.
Watch the new Batman. Right? So I'm a person who looks away when
the men have got no tap on that's, that's my thing, right? It
happened once in the movie. There were actually no intimate scenes,
funnily enough in that. And the reason Sorry, just bear with me
one moment there. And the reason why I mentioned
then that is because the women are not dressed in hijab. In any movie
I've ever seen. Yet the men will watch and the watch more than two
glances, three glances, four glances, five glances at the
cleavage and the short skirts and the tight ones and all these kind
of thing. It's not Hello, right, technically, it's not helpful to
keep that.
In the times that we live in, we will look at the intention, the
husband and wife sits down to watch a movie together. And their
intention is to just relax together and spend time together.
They're not set their intention is very different. If they were to
put something on completely inappropriate, you know that I
wouldn't suggest that they're believing in and and the behaving
in an unchaste way. Because they both seen a woman in a state of
unrest, even though that's normal in Western society. Right. But
we're surrounded by it. We literally surrounded by you know,
and, you know, I don't expect my husband to walk around staring at
the pavement. Everywhere that he goes, I expect him to have hear in
his conversations with women that he's not married. Do you know that
we know for sure, for sure. Now, let's keep it a buck guys. Let's
keep it a buck. You we need to have a realistic standard for what
chastity is. And if we go too far with it, then none of us are
chased out here. And that's the truth. Right? Because if you say
someone is chaste if they've not ever seen a 16 Come on now. That's
it. That's that's everyone done. Right if they've never read a
steamy novel done. So let's let's let's do it this way. Let's not
make things too hard on the believers, right? It is unfair to
say that a sister who has seen * or even consumed phone or
brother for that matter, is no longer a chaste woman in the sense
of the Sharia. I think that that is definitely a scholarly opinion.
But I think that that's something that we should be careful of.
Right? And I want to address this, okay. Because I think it's
important for men and women to understand what first time six
could or could look like, right? We've mentioned bleeding. Here,
it's been mentioned about being in pain, we've talked about being
awkward. And the thing is, it may not be any of those things. And it
could be all of them, right. But the common idea that the first
time that you have *, it's this, this really painful,
bleeding experience that shows that the woman has not been
prepared properly. And her body is not ready. Right. So if you guys
don't know about the ins and outs of all of this, please, I want you
to I want to refer you to Amira, Zach, he's marriage conversation
interview that she did with me, I'm going to link it in the
description, because she talks about that as well. And so for
brothers for men, young men, especially who are going to be in
that position with their wife, where they're going to, you know,
have have * for the first time, you guys should also
know what to expect, and how to make it the most pleasurable
experience that it can be. And also not to go in with
misconceptions that are going to make it even more difficult, right
for for you guys to get onto the same page. Do you have anything to
say on that? CES?
Yeah, I just think, you know, like, I need to jump off to get
the charger for my computer. So CES, you take the wheel. Okay.
Yeah. So I think it's really important to prepare. And I think,
you know,
this subject shouldn't be as embarrassing as taboo, as as it's
become in, you know, modern society. Young men that are
getting married, or even, you know, men who've been married once
before, they should be literally preparing, making sure that
they've got things like lube with them and things like that. And
they should be having the intention to be absolutely as
gentle as they can be as loving as they can be, this is likely to
feel a little bit awkward as like a first intimate exchange between
two people. And the key focus is making sure that you both feel
safe. That's the single most important thing, how long it last
is not important, you know, and you know, what it actually, you
know, looks and feels like that first time versus our often, you
know, our mindset of expectations of what we've, you know, led
ourselves to believe we would like that first time, often the two
completely different things. But it's important to truly just show
up for each other in those moments, feel safe with one
another in these moments and make sure that we're not enact, you
know, acting out on something that we've seen before or something we
think communication is just so important. Checking in the other
person is actually all right, and having a conversation. You know,
it's just so I was just saying that name. I don't know if you
heard me that. You know, I used to get shocked. I didn't say this at
the start, but like women would say that, you know, like, like, I
used to get phone calls from women the day after conservation. And
they say it didn't happen. I wonder it didn't happen. And I
say, Well, what do you mean, it didn't happen? And they were like,
Oh, well, you know, we just couldn't, it just couldn't and I
I used to say, did you try this? And did you try this? And did you
try this? So I was talking about things like relaxation techniques,
sensual massages, I was talking about lube and being prepared.
Because, you know, the two people in the first exchange just need to
feel safe. You know, it's one of the single most important things
and when you set the foundations, in the first few exchanges, you
set yourself up to a lifetime of, you know, really wholesome
exploration with each other. So it's not about how long it lasts.
It's not about how many times it's about being safe with each other
in the moment so that you can build on that. So that um, I don't
know if you want to add something to that. Yeah.
I'm not hearing you muted, either.
I'm not sure whether you guys can see me or whether I'm choppy is
looking choppy on my side. Helping you? Yes, okay.
Yes, I'm here.
I can hear you internet's doing funny. Can you hear me?
I can hear you. I can see you as well.
Yeah, so you're not maintenance playing up?
Yeah.
I was just talking about we won't keep going for too long. Yeah,
yeah, Agreed. Agreed, guys. So same thing, I think the same
advice for both is try to come right back down to earth, on that,
you know, that initial encounter with your new spouse, right? And
just be you. Same with the brother, right? Don't bring all
the stuff that you watched, or that you saw that you heard about,
and like, try and like, put all that on, you know, what I'm
saying? Like, you don't need to perform, you know, what you need
to do is connect in an intimate way. Right. So, I think that that
space is very much a co created space, the two of you will find
your groove. And this is especially especially for the
virgins out there who may be listening to this.
You know, just you want to be in that safe space, like you said,
where the two of you are in this blessed space, and you're able to
explore each other in halala. And give yourself time to do that, you
know, there's acts of sunnah that we need to do, right?
And, you know, we should definitely learn about that, but
also learn about the mechanics of it, right? Learn about the
mechanics of it, or how it works. Please don't go in there. Not
having done any research, not having done any reading at all,
girls or boys. Because now we're talking about young people, we can
say girls and boys, right? But even not girls, old boys, don't go
in there just with locker room talk, right? Or don't go in there
when your mom never told you anything. And your Auntie has
never spoke to you about it, right? You can learn from Halal
sources, you know, with Islamic parameters within Islamic
parameters and Islamic Guidance in sha Allah. So, you know, let's,
let's, let's play it, let's play it in it, you know what to call
in?
Yeah, it's okay. It's okay, we can do it by faith inshallah.
So much has happened in the chat since I left.
Use of says that there's only 20 likes, but that cannot be true.
Last I checked, there were lots more than that. Somebody can do a
likes check for us in sha Allah. Let's see where we're at. I'm sure
it's more than 20 it's 109 That's not bad. That's not bad.
hamdulillah All right. So virgin gang. Whoo, whoo. All right. So
for those of you mashallah, who are who have not
consummated marriages have not been married, you know, let's,
let's just make the most of the, the halal sauces that we have,
mashallah, to learn about this aspect of our deen, because that's
what it is. It's one of your it's one of your spouse's rights on
both sides. Okay, the wife and the husband. So it makes sense for you
to know as much as you can about it, just so that you don't have
that trepidation, right? You don't have all that fear going in. And
just huge expectations, right about, you know, the for the guy,
like how long is going to last and how many times and all of that
stuff, try as much as you can, my advice, try to leave that at the
door, you know, because it's going to be what it's going to be, it's
going to be what it's going to be and it's going to be what it's
going to be between the two of you. So Inshallah, you know, be
grateful for that. Because if you have watched the streams, if
you've read my comments, you will know that there are a lot of
single people out there who don't want to be single. Right? There
are lots of single people out there who do not want to be single
and one of the things that I've been saying on this channel for a
little while now is those of you who are married
Don't make the mistake of taking that for granted. Because there
are people out here who have been looking for a long time and
they're not finding, you know, the opportunity to be with somebody in
that space. Right. And they've covered like they bombarded with
expectations with with temptations, you know, everything
is sob Yanni for them, right so those of you mashallah who have
somebody in halala, please treat that person like the gift that
they are, and this act between you as the gift that it is, right. And
if you are suffering from any addictions that are impacting you
in this way, please reach out for help. No matter where you are in
the world, we've got you okay, we know that this is such a big
mercy, but really for for those who are afflicted by this, and we
know that it's not something that is going to help you for doing
your awful akhira right. So that's why we have conversations like
this, somebody was saying that this is an inappropriate
conversation for us to be having on YouTube. I completely disagree.
If you'd feel that this is inappropriate, please feel free to
just swipe and go to another channel. On this channel, we keep
it real. And and Hamdulillah. We've been blessed to have so many
guests who come and give us sort of real guidance from not just
their lived experience, but the work that they do the expertise
that they have the area in which they are professionally qualified,
et cetera, Ma sha Allah so big up to, you know, the guests that we
get to have on here, you know, and just like Lachlan and sister Amina
for for for sharing, you know, well, we'd had another masterclass
every Wednesday ends up being a masterclass Subhanallah
it really really does. It does. But I want to know, Are you open
to us having a few people come on if they want to?
Yes. Yeah. All right. So guys, I'm going to put the stream yard link
in the chat if anybody wants to pop on to add something not to ask
a question please. But to add something, a perspective that we
maybe haven't covered or something that you use that you found to be
useful. Please ensure like there's the link there in the chat. And
you don't have to because it's not one of those topics that many
people want are like yeah, I want to talk about this.
So if you don't want to that's fine. I completely you know,
accept that and respect that Mashallah.
But yeah, it's it's it's definitely something that I'm I'm
glad that we had this conversation I think people did benefit from
it, masha Allah, and for those of you who are asking for Gabriel
Romani Gabriel has done two talks on this channel guys. We had one
marriage conversation and he was in the intimacy conversation as
well mashallah, so please go and check out his stuff. He did some
really really good work. And hamdulillah herbal Alameen cool.
Yes. And since then, I was like family now are there so nice.
Mashallah, you guys are like family and hamdulillah
Hamdulillah. But I think we should wrap it up.
Yeah, I was just gonna say it's so important. I just want to say a
personal thank you for all these really important Real Talk
subjects that you're actually covering because you're opening up
you know, it really is like generational change that's
happening with great intentions through the mediums that we've got
access to Al Hamdulillah. And it just, you know, just reiterates
that we really kind of the internet is not necessarily a
super evil place in the sense that when we use it for the sake of
Allah, and we come together, and we bind together and you know, we
stand together against you know, like the trials and the
tribulations and so you are not alone in this and that's what this
channel you know, really shouts out for me, you know, is that this
something for everybody and just thank you so much for facilitating
this. I know it takes time energy and effort and thank you
Zack allow Kailyn just like a quick look here.
What's this now somebody something's we've got somebody
who's come on actually. Namely, you stopped counting on NASA. Why
not the same love for Gabriel a What does that mean? That stopped
counting. I don't get it. Okay, we're gonna bring in the guests in
sha Allah Bismillah tell us what you guys think of. What's your
perspective? On today's today's topic?
Salam alikoum when I get to Wiley come salaam wa today but I can't
so Yes, ma'am. What is your paying back topic? Well, it's it's it's a
deep topic. It's a little bit shocking for me listening to you
guys because I never thought I'm sorry. My English is really bad.
I'm a French speaking person. So if I have an accent, I'm sorry. in
advance. Love. The accent says keep Great.
Thank you. Well, yeah, so I appreciate the topics because they
it's definitely something that we don't talk about. And sometimes
you you really feel like Well, during my young days, I you
has to deal with those kinds of problems. And I had a lot of grown
up growing up to do to be able to overcome it. And to be able to
understand that
it's not, it's not something that is, I don't know how to say this
in English, but the pleasure that you have doing that, and the
remorse that you have, right after doing it, it's much worse than the
five or one minute pleasure that you have. So, yeah, just long
story short, I've stopped doing that. And I've understand.
I don't know how to say this. But anyway, thank you. I just have one
question, though, if I may.
I was talking about my cousin with my cousin about this topic. What
if, if you are married, now you have your with your husband? And
you still have to think about those kinds of thoughts to be able
to enjoy
the relation? I don't I don't want to say the words. I don't mean,
yes, yes. understandable to have dirty thoughts, if I can say it
like that, while you are with your husband?
I mean, what's the use of that?
Sorry, for invoices.
I just want to say, you know, thank you for being courageous
enough to come on. And share this because this is not easy to talk
about for lots of people. As you can see. Now, Maria and I have had
a conversation like this on similar subjects. And we're a
little bit more accustomed to talking about, you know, these
difficult subjects,
the most of the people, you know, like, just randomly speaking about
it. So it's a great question that you're asking. And my question
would be a thoughts about your husband in a different scenario?
Are they about your husband? Are they about somebody else?
Completely different?
It could be somebody different. It could be it's more or less
fantasies, and not really focused on a particular person that you
know, per se, I don't know if you understand. I mean, it can be that
or it can be Yeah, your husband in different situation, but most of
the time, it's somebody else. Okay. So I think
I would ask the question, you know, where did those Where did
those things come from? Like, when did they start? was the kind of is
the kind of questions like, do you know, like, what was happening in
your life at the time? What kind of content are you consuming? You
know, did they start after marriage? Did they start
previously, when you know, self-gratification was present?
You know, so there's a whole therapy session talking about
right there.
Please make sure you follow SR me then contact, Instagram,
how simple it is. And I will definitely try and discourage
that. Because even though it might seem tempting, though, really is
no next best thing to be an absolutely present. Like that's
when you're going to start getting true sexual and spiritual
gratification, that's when you start to have
spiritual *, like because you are so connected right there,
right then to your spouse, his her love for you, you're not
distracted off somewhere else. But one of the questions you know,
like I would ask as well is, you know, have you become these women
of desire book is great for, you know, being able to like start in
the book club with the husband is like, I came across this book,
somebody mentioned it online the other day, or you could even
mention that a friend yesterday or something like that, you'll find a
scenario to introduce it to your marriage. And you get to
rediscover each other in a whole new way in lots of different ways
and on lots of different levels. It's really an excellent little
handbook, they recommend all married couples get that and even
people who have not got married yet or are planning very soon to
actually take that step is definitely I actually gave a copy
of a taste of honey as a wedding gift to somebody and she laughed
and I said this is the best wedding gift you got today
because people don't get given guests like this so try not to
concentrate too much on how simple it is and try and just concentrate
on being in the moment so when you notice these thoughts start
creeping in that's that's absolutely it. It's he would not
rather be anywhere else in the world with anybody else right now
except me and this is a living breathing physical that and you
want to pull yourself into that very reality too. Right? So we
want to try and intrusive thoughts that come in from external places
of influence just to be in that moment is the goal and it will
take time like retraining a muscle like at the gym, you don't arrive
with biceps on day one, you know it's going to take a little bit of
time to readjust that but it's it's a goal is definitely you
know, masha Allah
highly rewarded call as well. So even though is that okay, how does
that sound? It's actually what I've been trying to do. So you're
spot on. And there's so much stuff that I have to
reveal that I'm not really comfortable revealing on the live
right now. But definitely we need a session, because you asked the
question about how did it start? I mean, it. It didn't start before
it started during the merge during some
events that occur between me and my husband. And we were not at a
really great time at that moment. And even though we talked about
it, and we've overcome it, it just, I keep getting stuck there.
And I don't know. Yeah, it's deeper.
I think reaching out for a session will allow you to speak more
freely. Obviously, we are online. So just a clock here and Miss mme
anonymous.
Messy Nova mobile school fair to fit in continuum of consent. Just
say yeah, no, no, no, this was I say y'all said Tuesday, Tuesday to
Hamdulillah.
Easy,
man. All right.
Let's see what we got. Maryam, do you want to come up? I've got many
M and S N.
Can I add them? Yes. Somebody come?
Can you hear me? Yes, we can. Hi.
Son, I am so glad that you guys spoke about this because I just
recently graduated college, and I live in the States. And when I
went to college, when I was in college, I had a group of friends.
And they were all Muslim. And you know, government just thought
that, oh, we're all Muslim girls. Like, we're all the same. You
know, we don't use that kind of stuff. We don't do that kind of
stuff. You know? Yeah. And I guess, you know, when you're like
in college, you talk about boys. And for me, I used to talk about
it on a very like naive, very, like, you know, girly level,
middle school type of level, middle school type of thing.
Because, yeah, I don't know, I've never been exposed to anything.
And I, the conversation, just one thing led to another. And I think
the topic of desires and * came up. And I guess we just opened up
to each other. And I realized that almost everyone in my circle
engaged in some sort of
* or *. And you know, these are like hijab BS.
I've never seen them ever do, like drugs or anything, you know, like,
you kind of serve people. And I, you know, we're from the same
neighborhood, the same kind of ethnic background. Yeah, it made
my experience. It made me feel so lonely, you know, and go into
going into, it made me curious. And I think that was just
something that I really struggled with going into college. should I
should I try this thing? Because I felt like I was missing out. And
I'm not ready for marriage yet. But it was just, it was, it was a
difficult it was a difficult experience. For me. Yeah. Lisa?
Yeah. Yeah. Was it difficult because you wanted to fit in? Or
because you felt like you were missing out on something when you
say it was difficult? What was it that was difficult? Well, I think
there were there multiple layers to it, because I think I would say
I bloomed a lot later than other girls. Like, when in my high
school, I think most people were active. And I went to an all like,
why non Muslim, they were pretty much sexually active, like, yeah,
like, very young, you know, throughout high school, but I
really wasn't interested in that. And by the time I entered college,
I think that's where my desires kicked in. I think part of it was
that, like, I just didn't know how to handle that. But part of
feeling like I didn't fit in, right? Because for me, it was
like, Okay, well, it's normal to feel this way. But should I just
do it because all my friends are doing it? You know, like, should I
do? Because, and I think it was just shocking, because you'd never
expect something like that. And also like fanfics somebody like
somebody was talking Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. MANISH sorry. Sorry,
says
I meant to take somebody I'm often she's not speaking yet. And
highlight to you Sorry about that. Somebody mentioned fanfics
actually, yeah, I think it was, it was me who mentioned it, because
it was just like, that is the thing that I feel like most girls
get started on. And it's so common like, because and you know, I
I think what made it so difficult was it's one thing for someone to
say this is haram, but like I struggle with it. But it's another
thing for your friends to kind of describe it as feeling liberal and
free and your sexuality and learning about yourself. And I was
like, Oh, my God. And I ended up in a place where I just felt like
I couldn't be friends with them. Because I was like, Oh, my God,
this is, this is I'm just a very, like, conservative kind of very,
like, strict person. I just didn't. I know, there was just so
many things that were going on. But it was very, it was very
difficult for me. And I just want to say any girl who's out there
struggling with this, don't let don't let anybody make you think
that this is okay. Because it's not. Right. I think it's about
finding ways to deal with it. It's about finding ways to kind of, you
know, educate yourself. And I think that's what you guys are
doing. And I'm so glad to be here to be witnessing this
conversation. Because I think education is really important.
Just like allow finances thank you so so so much. And in answer to
someone's question, fanfic is fan fiction. It's basically when
amateurs take their favorite characters from novels or from
films and then usually, it's usually romantic stories, aren't
they? You know, when they ship characters together? And you know,
there's there's a whole it's a whole sub genre, basically. Yeah,
it's really Yeah. So because I can offer an S and may Allah bless you
with all the hair, protect you and bless you with a spouse will be
the coolness of your eyes. Quick Time. Yeah. Thanks.
For joining system, Maryam, let me see if I can add you Are you ready
with your comment?
Go ahead. What would you like to add one extra, you can turn your
video off if you like.
Your video of me made this move.
That's cool. What are your thoughts on the topic?
My thought is you have done a very good job on this and this
topic that is rarely, rarely seen or talked about, especially in
like, you know, place I'm calling from Nigeria. These are bills that
you You hardly even parents like now.
I'm thinking how do I start converting it with my daughter or
my sisters? This feels that
is difficult to start? I don't know how we are even going to
start to discuss with them.
I think you know, I mean, I want to defer to you on this. But
certainly I think that one of the first ways is to create a space
where they can speak without judgment, right? Where they can
speak safely. And they know that it's safe to be honest. And just
start with asking them, you know, what have you been exposed to?
Have you been exposed? Or have you heard anyone speaking about X, Y,
and Zed and just in a space where they know that they can tell you
and you're not gonna go crazy, you're not gonna go and like beat
them over the head, you're gonna go and tell their parents or
whatever the case may be. That's, that's what I always advise my
friends. But I mean, what do you think? Okay, are we talking
specifically about introducing an awareness around * on the
internet or the awareness of, you know, sexual relations? Full stop?
What we're referring to, okay. Okay. Okay, thank you so much. I'm
sorry. That's what the question is for you. Or when you're saying
talking about these topics? Are you do you mean topics about you
know, sexual relations in general? Or do you mean *? Specifically?
No, no sexual religion in general? Like, when getting married, ready
to grow in? Within? How do you start? Let them know, these are
things that there are certain things that they need to
understand. And then yes.
Yeah, so lots of lots of communities and lots of cultures
of own very different spaces with this and how they need to show up
to be quite honest, you know,
media exposure is a big, you know, it's a heavy one, you know,
regardless, you know, like, because obviously, it literally
comes right into the homes of everybody, you know, through
multiple means these days. So, somebody asked me recently,
actually, in another conversation, what age do I think is
appropriate? And I said, well, that really does depend on you
know, like the child and their comprehension, and it's always age
appropriate and that kind of thing because
cultures have different ideas around, you know, children
maturing into certain, you know, like phases of young adulthood and
all these kinds of things. So, it really, really, I think that, you
know, children who are likely to start hearing things at school,
and starting to likely be exposed to things at school or in their
social circle, wherever they are in the world at that time. So I,
and I might be out of touch here.
But I'm expecting that to be you know, between the ages of like 12
and 15, you know, I would expect most 12 to 15 year olds to be
exposed to some kind of either conversation, or something that
somebody shares, you know, because of the mobile phone use and
accessibility and all that kind of thing, not necessarily of *,
but the conversation around *, if you like. So I have two
children. Well, I have four children altogether, but the two
youngest recently saw two birds meeting in a park. And they both
of those
movies will do it, guys, right? You want to introduce the topic of
coitus? Bring those animal wildlife movies, right? When they
looking at the lions and the elephants and you want to be
embarrassed. That's what you need to do. And so I giggled a little
bit to myself, and I said, Oh, I think the fighting and my son
who's eight years old, he said to me, definitely meeting Mommy. Oh,
my goodness. And he absolutely loved science and biology. So I
know this. And his follow up question to me later was, Do
humans make money? Right? So like, it's a little science, you know,
like, this is his thing, you know, biology and science. So I said,
humans do meat, but only when it is, you know, like, he's only
Halal when they're married, they're not allowed to meet
outside of marriage. That was the end of our conversation. That was
a
response.
So this was a very, you know, age appropriate conversation. For an
eight year old, I'm not going to have a conversation with an eight
year old about *. But if he was, I am fully expecting way before he
gets married, or way before my daughter gets married, to be
having conversations about mutual safety, respect, and absolute
consent in every way, you know, so that they can build, you know,
like, so I'm expecting those conversations to happen at the
very latest, like 1617, to make sure that they're aware of what
sexual * is, what the parts of the body are called, it's
really important that they know these things, what to expect, you
know, like, when they're in that intimate setting, they might say,
Oh, Mom, I don't want you to tell me about this, I'll then hire
somebody else to have that conversation. In my absence, they
will be having the conversation. You know, in many of our cultures,
actually, in many of our culture system from Zimbabwe, and South
Africa, kind of, and in many of our cultures, it is the Auntie's
job, you just like the village Auntie that we have online, it's
the Auntie's job to educate the girls about how to look after
themselves once they reach puberty, how to look after
themselves physically. So how to clean themselves how to make
horsell You know, about removing the body hair, etc. This is all
preparation, right? For for them to be prepared for marriage. And
then obviously, once they start to express an interest or curiosity
about these things, I think that it's best to be as open as
possible, you know, within within age appropriateness. And
definitely if they're getting married you know, then then
there's time for some honest conversations about what to expect
whether it's the auntie who does it whether it's the uncle who does
it, you know, to the boy or the dad who does it to the boy
whatever, but definitely there needs to be a space for there to
be honest conversations I May Allah help us all sister Miriam,
thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you for coming on. That was huge.
Have a good night in sha Allah Islam Ali, go
all right, since I think we're reaching the two hour mark. We've
not done too shabbily. Hamdulillah I think we've covered a lot. We've
definitely covered what I was hoping we would cover as always
the chat has been amazing guys, please just say a big desert.
Hello Hayden please in the chat to sister Amina taking time out of
her evening away from her husband and her children to come and sit
with us and talk to us and to entertain our questions and our
theories Masha Allah I pray that this has beneficial please do like
the video subscribe to channel and share this video with other people
that you think well no need to hear this or just would benefit
from this and you know if you want to start a conversation, it might
be good to you know to pass this on, you know and say you know how
you know I watched this the other day you know, let's have a chat
about it. Mashallah. And Ruto says 100 Viewers average for the two
hours Well done, guys. Yes, I think that that's hamdulillah I'm
happy with that. Mashallah. But guys, I did tell you that this is
their lives live
show on the YouTubes from the from the Muslim space. I'm gonna keep
saying that until somebody brings me data otherwise inshallah
inshallah I'm going to be my own cheerleader, our own cheerleader
here in this on this platform and in this family sister Amina,
please remind everyone how they can reach out to you.
Oh, you can find me on Instagram at shifa healing co so it's
Schiffer underscore she
you think I would know this right
description guys I will put in the description I will put it in the
description and there's a website and also I will paste the purify
you gaze link for anybody looking for support or anybody looking to
explore is this the right type of support for me because there are a
number of different packages available for that as well. So
thank you Al Hamdulillah Yes, and they are on Instagram as well they
have an Instagram
they have an Instagram so you can follow that to mashallah and you
can always DM system you know. So for now, but evening, we are going
to wrap it up. The program for the fam this week, is we're not going
to go live brother naset and I are having candid conversations this
week. Not on Thursday on fry day. And the topic is polygamy The
Good, the Bad, and The Ugly? Yes, we're gonna go back down that
rabbit hole again, guys. So please, please, please make sure
you join us live. Let your friends and family know about a sister
Amina. You're welcome to jump on and jive with us. We will be
having a live show. It'll be a call in show like we did last
week, which was absolutely lit and amazing. So we can't wait to hear
from you guys get your perspective. And we have some
special special guests who are experts in this field. And I
wonder if you can guess who the expert might be? I'll give you a
clue. He's a brother. He's a king. And he's been on this platform
before. So I want to see if anybody can guess who we are
inviting over and in sha Allah insha Allah Insha Allah, He will
come and pop into our conversation. But isn't Allah if
you know who the surprise guest is put it in the chat. I want to see
you know whether you guys have been watching enough of the
content to know which brother I may have asked to come on who has
a little bit of an expert perspective on the institution of
polygamy and its do's and don'ts. So guys, for now, we're going to
leave it there does come a lot cooler here. Thank you all so
much. Have a fantastic evening and we'll see you on Friday in sha
Allah. same bat time, same bat channel Desikan okay. And Sister
Amina, thank you so much. Salaam Alaikum Warahmatullahi
Wabarakatuh.
And the broadcast Why don't you