Naima B. Robert – Too Hard on Women Advice on Perspectives, Triggers and Accountability

Bismillah Salam Aleykum Selam one ecomo Salam Alaikum Salam aleykum

It is Thursday night and I decided to jump on here live because hey,

why not right? Al Hamdulillah welcome everyone whoever is

joining live, give us your Salam we'd love to know where you are

calling from where you are watching from Mashallah.

It's a Thursday night here in Cairo Masha Allah and I decided to

jump on live because I haven't been live in a while. And I want

to say a huge thank you to everybody who watched the video

with Rebecca Barrett

where we talked about womanhood, modern womanhood feminism, and

lots of other cool things. It was a great discussion Masha Allah

really really enjoyed it and it looks like you guys did too

because the video is doing really well. So I just want to say a big

thank you. Please do post your comments. I want to see more

comments. I like to see comments on the videos so please, please

Please post your comments and share the video. I think we want

more people to see these conversations, right Masha Allah

we've got sisters from the UK. We've got Illinois USA Russia Hola

ixalan Who else have we got in the house? Who else have we got in the

house? So yes, and sister Asha says I want to repeat of the

Rebecca conversation we are planning that I think the next one

will be on her channel but it will be before the end of the year

inshallah so look out for that to be the Allah right and so many he

is from Pakistan, masha Allah Nice to see you nice to see everyone

again Masha Allah Tabata kala. So I wanted to just jump on here

because I had a couple of conversations in the past two

weeks but before I start, before I start, let me make sure that

everyone knows about the conference that's coming up. Okay.

Remember last year remember secrets of successful wives.

Remember the awesome

that was that conference three day conference? Well, it is time for

us to go again. Masha Allah Allah was Louise in Sweden, masha Allah

Nice to see you hamdulillah Lovely to see you. Mashallah. So Oh My

Goodness me. Wow. Okay, we have to shout this out to to Masha Allah

Zakka, la Hainan brother Bilal for the 99.99 Super Chat. If I had an

air horn, it will be going off right now. That's definitely the

biggest super chat that I've ever had. So thank you so much,

brother. Much appreciated. Yes. And Rebecca. Yes, she should be

addressing the young girls. We all need to be having these

conversations, right? Because everybody is in some way impacted

by the media and all the messaging from the media, right? So

unfortunately, our Muslim girls are not exempt. So So much has

happened, guys, so much has happened, which I won't be able to

go it all into today. But let's start with the conference. Okay,

so I'm going to put the link in the chat for you to register and

grab your tickets so that you don't miss it out. Because

remember last year, remember how awesome it was? Mashallah,

remember the speakers that we had, since the high labor nanny system,

Madame Lemuel, we had so many amazing speakers and we touched on

so many important topics. Well, this year, the theme of the

conference is secrets of successful marriage.

All the stuff they don't tell you. Okay? So it's all the stuff they

don't talk about the all the stuff we don't talk about the things

that your parents never told you the things that the successfully

married people don't even talk about, right? They just keep it to

themselves. Well, we want to bring all of that to this channel

inshallah at the end of the year, so I've put

The link in the comments it will be it's in the description of the

video, go and register. It's free, register, sign up, share it with

all your family and friends who have we got whoever we got this

year, we have

let me start from the beginning. So I'm going to start with respect

to the scholars. Right. So I'm going to start with the scholars

and from the shoe that I know the scholars that I know we've got

proper OGS so we've got Sheikh Abdullah Hakim quick, you guys may

be familiar with him. I don't know how many decades he's been married

for mashallah wonderful brother has always been very supportive of

my work and the channel and the community. So Sheikh Abdullah

Hakim quick will be addressing us, also Dr. Mohamed salah, you may be

familiar with him with a TV Man channel. He's mashallah one of our

neighbors here in Egypt, and he's going to be speaking to us. I

wanted to dig deep with him from a scholarly perspective on the

Hadith about the woman is married for four things. So we're going to

have a conversation about that. Then we've got sister, Hallie

banana who's be speaking in Sharla. We've got sister Alia on

Rayyan for the first time on this channel, and you may notice that

earlier on raeanne Either from Honest Tea talks, which some of

you love and some of you are not sure about, okay, well whichever

way you you go at you need to come and hear her speak at this event

because mashallah, I've I've known her for a very long time we go way

back and I have

spoken with her many times. She has a really wonderful way of

delivering lectures and delivering information and she's going to be

sharing about how reverts can get married. So the tips and

strategies for reverts to find a spouse and to you know, to have

good marriages Mashallah. And you know that she is the head of the

founder of solace, and they now have a marriage service so it just

it fits beautifully Masha Allah, this her there's also a third the

dahlia Ayoub that some of you may know, and some of you may not

know, right. And I met her when I was invited to Australia to go and

speak there. And I have to say, I just I, my heart just, it just

warmed to her and her heart just warmed to me. We've never spoken

before. We've never done work together. But we sat together in

the the vehicle that was taking us around and from the first time we

sat together, we just opened up my Sharla we just opened up she was

so honest and open with me. I was so open and honest with her. And

she gave me some advice, guys. And I said this to her. I wrote it in

her book. I said, if Allah subhanaw taala blesses me with the

opportunity to give Dawa again, after I take this break.

The reward will be yours. You will share in that reward because she

said some things to me, I won't say them here. Maybe I'll share

them at another time. But she said some things to me that

really, they touched my heart, you know, and I really believe that

Allah subhanaw taala is you know, he sent her with a message for me.

Because when we were having these conversations, I was like I am so

done. I am so done. I just want to get away from social media. I want

to get offline I wanted to get away from everything. And Masha

Allah Allah sent her with some words of advice that just touched

my heart and so inshallah I you know, you guys know I'm taking a

break I'm coming offline.

If Allah subhanaw taala gives me the Tofig to come back. She's

gonna get the reward for that. So so she's coming she's speaking Who

else have we got goodness me You've got such a long list of

speakers as crazy. So let's talk about the people we've got that

you guys know from the channel Baba Ali is coming. Sister Amina

Jain O'Rourke, which you guys you know you love her right? On Tala

is coming mashallah she didn't speak at the last conference.

She's speaking at this one. You know how much we love her videos

right and her perspective would rather wear Illa Brahim is coming

back. Mashallah. We've got SR Hadiya, Ecuador. She's coming

back. We've got some new speakers as well, who you haven't met

before? That I've kind of, you know, made links with and then

they're coming in sha Allah. Who else? Bismillah we've got Imam,

Shabbir Hassan, he's going to be coming. Koechner there. I'm still

trying to pin him down, but inshallah he'll be there make dua.

Yeah. And like a whole list of people, some of you will know

them, some of you won't know them, but the contents of the

conference, literally the stuff that they don't talk about stuff,

no one tells you Yeah, the secret things that make marriages work

that make it easier to get married. And for those of you who

did not manage to attend my workshop, understanding your value

as a Muslim wife, you will be heard

But to know that I will be teaching that workshop in the

conference. So, but in the chat if you've already registered, because

I want to see if you've already registered, and if we can expect

to see you at the conference, of course, it's online, it's over

three days, literally from 10am until 11pm. We've got talks,

talks, talks, conversations, podcasts, interviews, panel

discussions, Q and A's, all the good things Mashallah. So it's

going to be a really packed three days, but you know, that we want

to spend, like, see the new year in together, right, we want to go

from 2022 to 23. Together, call us. That's why it's on. Okay. So

guys, if you're not sure, if you didn't know what your plans were,

for the 31st of December or the first of January, now, you know,

yes. So who's registered? Let's see, hmm. Let's see, Ma sha, Allah

hrs registered RAS registered, come on, guys, everybody, you need

to get in there, you need to go on the link and register and share

it, guys. Don't keep it to yourself. Don't be doing that.

Okay, so you must share the fear. Don't be selfish with it.

I love the light. Yes. And it's absolutely free. 100% free. And

it's just gonna be epic and Sharla. So, enough about that, I

want to just deal with, I want to share with you a message that I

got from a very dear friend of mines daughter. And I think it

deserves a conversation. That's what the title of this is about.

Okay, let me just bring it up for you.

Um,

and I think I will only be able to address this in detail in a proper

call, because I literally just jumped on here. And you know, I

wasn't really prepared. I just thought, you know, the children

have left, they've all got things that they're doing. So I was like,

You know what, let me just jump on here and connect with everyone.

Mashallah, I just registered. Nice. Thank you very much, make

sure you share it, guys, make sure you share. So

I had a very, very good friend of mine store to reach out to me. And

so she she said, some of the stuff that you've been saying online?

Like I have an issue with it, basically. So I was saying to her,

like, okay, so what is it that I've been saying that you don't

agree with, etc. And so she said, it seems as if you're trying to

get women to make better choices for themselves? Sorry, it doesn't

seem as if you're trying to get women to make better choices for

themselves, but rather that they should make choices that benefit

men, because men are the ones who are triggered when women reject

them because they aren't six foot or aren't earning a certain

amount, etc. Overall, the things you've been saying seem to be

bashing single older women and women in general. But maybe I've

missed the point you're making. Or maybe I'm just a triggered single

boss babe raising feminine kids. Okay, so

I wanted to address this because actually, the the genesis of this

conversation was where she sent me a tic tock where a man was saying

was in defense of women's of modern women online saying the

only reason why these men are criticizing, you know, modern

women and saying, Oh, you're gonna die alone, is because they are

salty, that they're not getting married, and they are the ones who

are scared of dying alone. So they're projecting their fears

onto women and telling women that they're going to die alone. Okay,

so that's where it started.

And Bismillah.

I wanted to clarify, in case it's necessary, that and I spoke to to

her mother today as well. And I said the same thing. And I said to

her that

anything that I have said, on this channel, or online, certainly over

the last kind of year and a half, has been informed by what I'm

seeing happening. Now, that in and of itself, is going to be biased.

Okay? It's going to be biased because I'm a person in a context.

And I see things from a certain perspective, like we all do,

that my bias is not towards men, or against women. My bias is

towards what I see as the correct way in terms of the deen

the best way or the correct way in terms of the deen.

That's my bias. Okay, so that will mean that at times, I may sound

like I'm bashing so and so. Or I'm criticizing or I'm being critical

of a particular behavior, a particular attitude. And I want it

to be clear that when we are having these conversations where

we're bringing up certain issues within the community

When we're bringing up certain things that we feel need remedying

or that we think need remedying or need brought to light, let's

remember that these are behaviors, okay? And it is okay to critique

behaviors, especially behaviors that are not in keeping with, you

know, our deen, right.

But very often we conflate the doer and the deed, right? So we,

you know, if we hear a criticism of a particular behavior, we take

it as a criticism of that person who is behaving in that way, like

that person is bad. But my, my intention has always been to shed

light on things that I see from my perspective as being problematic.

Now, my audience is women, majority of my audience is women.

So I'm going to be speaking more about women's things and towards

women, like I want to talk to my sisters.

I know that if you have come from a context where you feel that

know, the women are doing their best, right, and the thing is,

whenever we have these conversations about men and women,

we have to admit that we can't generalize, really, it's very

difficult to generalize, because not only are we all individuals,

but even within communities. Within generations, there are

differences and there are nuances, right? So anytime we try to have a

conversation that says, people do this, or men do this, women do

this, it's naturally going to be there are going to be

exceptions, and they're going to be times when it's like, no, that

doesn't make sense. That doesn't that's not true. And of course, we

can't speak for all circumstances. So anyway, long story short.

The types of things that we've been talking about over the past

year,

have been things that

really not many other people are talking about. So when we were at

the marriage conference, the one in in London last month, one of

the brothers said to me, you know, I'm I'm really, I'm really

surprised at what you're saying, and the kinds of things that

you're saying. And I was like, why he said, because that is the

normative Islamic position. But the community and society has

changed so much, that we the people of knowledge, and the Duat,

we dare not say those things, right? We cannot say those things.

Because we know that it's going to bring a backlash, it's going to

cause problems is going to meet, you know, hurt people's feelings

is going to make people feel bad, or we're afraid of pushing people

away from the Dean. Right? So it was almost like, you know, he was

really happy that, you know, at least a woman is saying this

stuff. Because now we as men, we don't have to take the heat, okay?

Because if we dare to say, you know, for example, you know, the

topic of motherhood, right? Or the topic of, you know, being patient

with your husband, and not kind of, you know, breaking up your

home or whatever, is that if we say stuff like that, it's canceled

city, right? But you can say that because you're a sister. So, long

story short, some of what I say

may trigger you.

If it hits a nerve, right? If it hits a raw nerve with you, you

will be triggered.

And that's okay.

Okay, it's okay to be triggered. Because it just means that there

is a kernel of truth in there that you are not comfortable with. Now.

Can people work on delivery? Could I work on delivery? Could any of

you work on delivery, for sure. But the truth remains, so if there

is a kernel of truth in there that is stinging a bit?

That's a sign to you to say, maybe this is an area of growth for me.

Maybe this is an area of evolution. For me. Maybe this is

an area that I need to lean into a little bit. Because it's exactly

like I see it exactly like when we talk about, you know, men who are

not financially responsible, right? If we do if we have the

same types of conversations where men are not capable of looking

after a family but they want to get married to, you know, we tell

them

our real Qalamoun Allah Nisa, it's your responsibility to find, you

know, to be able to support a family to work to support your

family. Now for a man who, for whatever reason, can't or won't do

that. That's upsetting. What do you mean, you're telling me I

can't have a war

I've just because I'm broke.

Yeah, kind of. And that's not nice. But that's the reality.

Right? So every time we've had these types of, I think men take

these things differently, and again, could be a generalization.

But from what I've noticed, men, they kind of take it on the chin,

they kind of like laugh about it, and they're kind of like her hand,

but you know, they take it on the chin. But us as women, we tend to

take things personally. And if something touches a raw nerve with

you, you, you absorb it into yourself, you make it about

yourself, right. And all I'm saying is, although that may be a

natural tendency, my invitation to you is to try to distance yourself

from the information. And just ask yourself, Is it true? Does she

have a point? Is this relevant to me in any way? Can I learn

anything from this? And if the answer is no, keep it pushing.

Keep it moving. Right? I've had people who will come to me, I

remember the conference I said, you know, for for those of us

who've been married, right, and we're late, early, later on in

life, and we don't have children, all that, you know, like, we've

talked about this on the channel before, to expect like a six foot

practicing brother who's a PhD and wealthy and is going to travel

with you every year, like that is an unrealistic expectation, okay,

and maybe you need to look at that. And a sister came up to me

from the audience later on, and she said, you know, that that kind

of unrealistic expectation that you described, that's me, that's

my life. That's what I'm living. And I said to her Sis, I know,

it's not like it can never happen. I had that too. But that's not the

norm. And it's not fair to tell people that that's the norm, or

that that's what they should be aiming for. And they shouldn't

settle for less. So these types of things, again, again, everyone is

free to believe whatever they want to believe, right? Because your

beliefs shape your reality. That's the truth, right? Your beliefs

shape your experience of this world.

All I'm saying is, if I have said anything that has hurt anyone, of

any, anyone who's listened to me, or anybody who's followed me or

anything like that, especially especially people who looked up to

me, and saw me as some kind of role model or an inspiration, and

have found that my ideas and the things I'm talking about now, make

them feel differently towards me.

All I would say is just an invitation to introspect. I could

be wrong

in your context, right? My advice could not be relevant to you at

all. And there will be people for whom my advice is not relevant.

And if that's if that's the case,

keep it moving. There will be people for sure, who are not, not

not like my advice, all the stuff I've been saying it is irrelevant

to them. And that's perfectly fine. But there are other people

who need to hear what I'm saying. We've got lots of them on this

channel, Mashallah. And I said that says sort of so many sisters,

it's actually shocking to me. How many sisters contacted me after I

emailed my list and told them that I won't be around next year? How

many contacted me back and said, Thank you. Those conversations

you've been having have saved my marriage this year, like this

year, this has been the best year in my marriage. They've saved my

marriage, they've saved me. I didn't realize how much toxicity I

was holding until I heard you say the things that you say. And so

if it's for you, then it's for you. And if it's not for you, then

feel free to just say, well, that's her opinion, or that may

apply to some people. But that's not my reality. And it's fine. You

know, literally, it's fine. But for me, as I said to my friend, I

pray, I pray that Allah subhanaw taala guides me and all of us, but

me because I've got the platform, right? That He guides me to speak

the truth in the best way.

If I'm not speaking the truth,

then let me shut my mouth. Right? And if I am speaking the truth,

but in a way that is pushing people away from the truth, then

may he rectify me. But allow me to speak the truth in the best way.

Right. And as long as I'm doing that,

I really don't care what anyone says. It's not my concern. Right?

That's

It's not my responsibility not it's not my concern. It's not my

responsibility. Yeah.

And it's not anyone's responsibility really,

as long as you're speaking the truth in the best way, it's not

your responsibility how people take it, because people will take

what you say. And they will filter it through their own experience

and their own lens and kind of what they have lived and what they

know and what they believe. That's the filter, right? For some

people, the filter lets your ideas through in a way that is positive.

For some people, when they filter what you're saying, it's going to

come and have a negative response. So it's a it's a call to

introspection, it's an invitation to kind of look deeper and say,

What is going on here and try to as much as we can, my dear

sisters, my dear women, try to separate your emotions, you know,

when brother Nasser was on the channel, and we used to talk about

the thinking, feeling connection. And we used to talk about, you

know, regulating our emotions. It's important. It's important

because our emotions, if we just let our emotions just go like

that, we're going to be getting triggered by a lot of things. And

some of those things are beneficials, or even necessary for

us to hear. But because we're in this emotional state, we can't

hear them. And I wouldn't want us to be in there. And Sharla Yes,

thank you. Just offering an opinion and general advice, people

should be able to translate that to their own situations. Exactly.

And on that note, guys, I'm gonna let you go. Have a fantastic

night. Thank you so much for those who attended live or the put the

Rio if you're here live, you have to put two Live Crew in the chat.

And if you're watching on the replay, then please, please,

please put replay gang in the comments. And I'll be there to

like your comment, and we'd love to hear your thoughts on it. And

Sharla let me know if we're gonna be seeing you at the

if we'll be seeing you at the conference, and yet in sha Allah,

any issues that you would like us to address in the conference, put

them in the chat in the chat in the comments. And I will see you

later on in the week in sha Allah Okay, guys, and those of you who

want to write a children's book, come over to my Instagram, pop

onto the five day children's book challenge. We're going to have

loads of fun next week. Insha Allah have a lovely evening guys

and a great weekend was salam. Wa alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh