Naima B. Robert – TMC Episode 5 Clip What Muslim Wives Should Focus On GOLDEN ADVICE

Why don't I just want to just jump in there? Because I think, you

know, as you were saying all these things, I think it's, you know,

beautiful the way that you've set it out, as you were saying all

these things, it makes so much sense, right? And I'm, I'm

imagining somebody listening to you now, and saying, Yeah, well, I

don't get that. And, and so there's two things here. One is, I

wonder whether, whether it's as human beings or as women, we tend

to focus on what's not there, rather than what is there. Or we

tend to focus on what the way that we want things rather than the way

that we're getting them as they are. So for example, as you said,

you know, someone to make you, you know, to give you pleasure to keep

you company, and all of these types of things.

And, you know, if a woman is in a space, or in a marriage in a

situation where she doesn't feel like, you know, he doesn't pay me

enough attention, he works too hard, you know, like, we don't do

X Y Zed. Of course, that may be the case. But I also think that

sometimes we actually overlook the value that they do bring. And I'm

saying this as somebody who has been married in a long term

marriage, mashallah, and has also lived as a single parent. And I

don't know whether you, you know, you kind of have followed my

journey on this. But I do think that women who are married,

especially to the father of their children, they underestimate the

value of being in that marriage, because maybe it doesn't tick

certain boxes for them, right. But trust me, you come out of that

marriage, you're gonna see something very different. And

you're gonna realize this was all that he was doing. This is all

that he was bringing this was the impact of having him in the house,

etc, etc. I don't know, what are your thoughts on that? My mom,

this is my work in a nutshell. Because I work with women in the

community. And I've been working with women on a grassroot level,

for the last 20 years. Often, a typical scenario, I will describe

his sisters will come to me and say, you know, my husband doesn't

do this, that the other. And then I listen attentively. And then I

point out, what about the fact that he does this? What about if

he does that? What about he does this and then they kind of stop in

their tracks? And they're like, Yeah, you know, it's like a gentle

admission of

appreciation.

And then they go away thinking that because I am trying to be,

you know, the voice of reason. And subhanAllah that changes their

attitude. And if we take that discussion back to the Prophet

salallahu alayhi salam where he said, about women to be grateful

that gratitude is So, you know,

like, popular now, you know, because we all have our husbands.

No.

And they in terms of like, you know, this whole thing about you

know, like, self development, Muslims non Muslim everywhere.

Yeah, attitude is the best attitude and this idea that, yes,

panela in our deen in our tradition, what is most beloved to

Allah azza wa jal, Alhambra isn't in in a praise. Yeah. And then we

have Hadith like He who does not show gratitude to the people. He's

not grateful to Allah, isn't it? Yeah, and one of the things that I

try to encourage a lot

is the sense of being grateful to your spouse, being grateful to the

people, being grateful to your children, this whole concept of

gratitude gets more out of the people because it is a positive

reinforcement. When we want something from someone, you should

give attention to that even if it's a little that they're giving

you this that they're doing, you know, so hard in terms of

impressing you notice it, if you see that they're doing so hard

that you know, trying to pull their socks in doing

like housework or helping you out or taking the children or doing

things that you we take for granted but we want them to take

more of an active role. Yeah, give attention to that because people

generally they perform better when they are acknowledged for their

performance. Because it makes so much sense it makes so much sense

and the you know, you mentioned the Hadith about you know, well

let's let's just call it for what it is the Hadith which mentions

the majority in the Hellfire being women because of the ingratitude

to husbands specifically. Yes, guys. I went there, okay. Because

this is an honest space, right. And this is an honest space for

brothers and sisters to have a you know, have an open conversation

and

When I first heard a brother, well recently heard a brother

mentioning that hadith.

I felt some kind of way, you know, because I was like, you know,

ungrateful.

But then now I sit with it.

And I listened to how we have sisters saying, Why should I be?

Why should I feel grateful for him doing something he's supposed to

do anyway?

Why should I feel grateful I do this, this, this, this, you know,

in the context of, you know, somebody coming into your life

and, and, you know,

taking some of the burden off you marrying you being a stepdad to

your kids or whatever, why should I feel grateful that he chose to

marry me?

And it's almost like, Okay, we talk about the importance of

gratitude in the world, right, everyone's the power of gratitude.

But it's almost like, I think it comes from the modern movement,

the feminist movement, but you know, as a woman, why should you

be grateful? Because gratitude comes from humility, doesn't it?

And we can't be humble because we're Boss Babes out here.

Let me turn this around.

Consider yourself, you do the cooking or you do the shopping or

you do the teaching. Yeah, maybe you're a homeschooling mom. Or

maybe you are, you know, a stay at home mom, or maybe you're working

mom. Yeah. And somebody says, you know, I noticed you, you really

take your time in doing the cooking. Although you have a busy

schedule, you cook nutritious meal. Yeah. They just point that

out to you. Do you feel so chuffed? Do If so, appreciate it?

Do you feel so like, you know,

the sense of acknowledgement? Yeah, you know, and what does that

do to you? In reality? It's you want to give more? Yes, it does,

isn't it? Yeah, it does. Your friend, you know, she she says to

you know, whenever I go through troubled times, you're always

there for me, she buys you, you know, a bunch of flour, chocolate,

or she even takes you out for a meal. You feel like giving back to

that friend even more, you feel seen exactly thing. Exactly. If

you are appreciated, you want to give more and this is exactly what

Allah says. He says, Let in Shakur Ito, as it anacron, if you are

grateful, I will give you more on the tongue of Musa lace. And

that's the first time and he gives to his people. Because when he

Israel, they were on another level. You know, why? Because

gratitude intrinsically draws people towards them, you know, if

you are grateful to some people, then they would give you more,

because they know that you are appreciative. And that

appreciation, you know, it benefits you why because you get

more out of that person. You know, and I think that's the secret to

marriage, if you want your husband to more to do more things for you.

Peak grateful, because they will give you more, you know, And

subhanAllah, you know, sometime we have this culture in our house,

and,

you know, whenever we have, you know, like, say a cheat, you know,

and it's like an occasion. So, I will say to my husband, you know,

just a little kind and because that meant I didn't have to worry

about the food side, you know, and it's like, it's a real treat, you

know, because, you know, when we have to do the cooking this

cleaning, and there's, you know, obviously tidying up and things

like that, but when you have a treat, whether you go out or, you

know, get food in that means, you know, you can relax that period of

time and do other things that you want to do. And then I would hear

my son, he would also follow after me because he's seen a culture of,

you know, I should, you know, have this attitude. Well, I always cook

so once in a while, you know, he should. That's not the that's not

the positive attitude. That's an attitude of entitlement. Nobody

likes that. The that's the word right? They're entitled, yeah,

nobody. It's like you at work when you say to your boss, I just want

to say that you know, you're very understanding boss, you always

give us time off when we need to. Do you think the boss will say no,

when you want to have another time on? This is Game sisters. Okay, I

hope you're listening to

feel obliged. He would feel like

this compassion to let you have the leave, you know, as long as

obviously you don't abuse the system. But the point I'm trying

to make is when you acknowledge people's graciousness, and

people's kindness, they will give you more, they will give you more.

We know they will, because Allah says so