Naima B. Robert – TMC E2 @MARYAMSHEIKHLEMU on Commitment And Being Deliberate in Marriage

Right, where really what we know is that this is a journey. And you

know, everyone's journey, you know, might look quite different.

But I think what your story shows, and certainly what the other

stories that I'm thinking of show is that if you've made a

commitment, and I keep using this word, guys, and everybody who's

watching this has been watching these conversations, you'll hear

this word coming up again and again and again, from Imams from

therapists, from counselors from married couples, it's about the

commitment is what makes the difference. It's not even, you

know, the fields or how cute you are together, which of course you

are. Mashallah, you know, it's not about the inlaws. It's not about

anyone else, it's the commitment, are you committed to making work.

Because if you are committed to making it work, then you could

actually go through six years of, you know, pretty yucky stuff, get

over that hump, and find each other again, SubhanAllah. Yeah, I

will never, we never stopped praying to Allah to show us the

way to guide us. And one thing I would like parents or husbands and

wives, never to forget is if you commit, you will make the effort

you put in the time, you know, and the sweat Wallahi, you don't only

have, I may end up with a happy marriage, you give your children

the tools to have happy marriages themselves. So the benefit keeps

is it has a ripple effect. And hopefully your children will pass

that on to their grandchildren. So wherever, wherever you are, you're

getting very worried that from that behavior, that relationship

that you created, that environment, that culture that is

unique to you, you've passed on to your children they've passed on to

their children who have passed on to their children's

ward is endless. Yeah, and I think this thing about being deliberate,

having the right mindset, and being committed, I think those

three words are so important, you know, having a nominee for life

mindset.

In the big picture being so deliberate, whether it's as a

couple, whether it is being so intentional, you know, in every

effort you put in, you are conscious of why you're doing

this, and what you're hoping to achieve. And even in parenting the

same thing. Like we were deliberate in making sure our

children not only saw what a relationship is meant to look

like, but we also gave them the good, the bad, and the ugly truth

about it. Because like I went in with the unrealistic expectations,

I don't want to recycle that. So we talk about, they've never seen

us fight, but we tell them we fight we have misunderstandings.

But because we care so much we we fight to make it work. And they're

aware of that. And they talk about how eager they are to get married.

Our oldest son called him a few months ago, yeah, a couple of

months ago to just say, thank you, for raising me to respect respect

women, and treat them well with dignity. And he couldn't have seen

that with, you know, he couldn't see that without having seen it

being done. And watching his father, not just see it, but do

it, you know, we raise the boys to pick up after themselves. And cook

both of them are amazing cooks. And to know that we raise them

telling them from a young age, if you don't learn to cook, you're

not going to find a wife who's going to marry you, you're gonna

have to go to the edge, you know.

Unlike the way we raise our daughters today, if you don't

learn to cook, you're not gonna get a husband, we did that with

the boys. You know, you don't pick up after yourself, you know, a

woman is gonna want to marry a slob. And they hear that growing

up. But you know, it's the flip side of what we girls have been

taught all our lives. And today, they they wash the toilets on

their own, they pick up out themselves, they wash their

clothes, I and they do not expect a woman to do that for them. Even

in the house, we've got two households, they're female, but

they take their plates themselves, you know, clear the table, they

clean their rooms and so on. So these are the things that it's all

about being deliberate, conscious, intentional in every aspect, and

having the mindset and, you know, keeping keep your eye on the

target and never forgetting what's the name of the legacy. The

legacy? Exactly, yes. And we're always passing on the baton to the

next generation not a goal. So what are you doing? I always ask

couples when I do my parenting course. Are you okay with your

children replicating in their homes with their spouse or their

children? What they are seeing right now?

Yeah, are you okay with that?

And

That's it because we could be cold if I passed away today. Well, this

unit you know, what we have today is over, you'll have to start all

over or vice versa. So what did our children witness up until that

point? Are we okay with that? You know, I often think about it

because he and I travel a lot and I picture okay, if Allah calls us

both home today, are we fine with what we've taught them? Are we

okay, going before our maker and saying whether we feel we've

handed on the back of bus on the back the right way? And are they

ready and that Hamdulillah I think, you know, we know the

inshallah they will be okay understand where their weaknesses

are. They understand they're also a work in progress. Now, once we

will know that, yes. And I love the fact that like, we raise the

boys to be very expressive because he's expressive. He talks he if he

said, he says it, you know, he doesn't The Boys Don't Cry thing.

No, I see him cry. And they see me comfort that that so they know

vulnerabilities healthy. You know, it's good for your health to open

up and see what's going on in your guts. So I love that the boys

learn that from the man in their life, that it's fine to express

how you feel. It's not a weakness, it's not a weakness.

You develop a habit, you become dependent, whether become

addiction or whatever.

To be tough. Yeah, I want to be macho. And then sometimes we take

our frustrations out.

Exactly, because we're not able to deal with those frustrations. So

we're teaching them that's not the way to go. Express seek support,

heal. And don't take your frustrations out on your loved

ones. I mean, I mean