Naima B. Robert – The {VIRTUAL} Salon Mindset LaYinka Sanni
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Bismillah Salam alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh welcome
to yet another episode of the virtual salon. And if this is your
first time here, welcome. If you are a veteran or a patron of this
space, I just want to say a big red glow hatred and so much for
being here for this whole journey. The virtual salon is a safe space
for Muslim experts, creatives, thinkers, academics,
practitioners, activists to come together to talk about some of the
issues that are affecting our community. And we are here to
listen and to learn and to speak and be heard and to heal in sha
Allah. So it is really with so much pleasure that I am
introducing. This is our first time in the salon where we have
just one guest. And this guest is if you guys follow me at all, you
will know that she is someone very written to me. And she none other
than Linda Sunny, who is a self transformation expert. She is a
coach, she is a speaker mashallah you some of you may know her from
Honest Tea talk, which was a an is a groundbreaking series of
conversations between Muslim women. And it is a real honor to
have lianca Sony for the first time on the virtual salon and hear
from us. Mashallah. So, Linda, I'm so happy that you could make it
welcomes this welcome. Firstly, help us to understand exactly
what's happening. And secondly, you know, how can we how can we
disrupt those patterns are sometimes the voices in our head,
the state of actually statements, phrases, things that we've heard
growing up, and we've picked up and we've internalized Imagine
you've a child has been told they're stupid enough, they're
going to believe they're stupid. And they're going to live that as
a self fulfilling prophecy that I'm stupid, right? So sometimes
our environment shapes the our internal dialogue. Yeah.
Now we all have internal dialogue, every single one of us, right. And
we all have
we all have thoughts, our minds communicates with us in thoughts
and pictures. Yeah. And so what most people don't realize is that
their life their day to day is based on those thought patterns.
What they are thinking on a day to day basis. And what people don't
realize is that they are they also send their mind their unconscious
mind or sometimes called subconscious mind messages through
their dialogue. So if you say and I've found this so incredible, and
I can't say the word Kinesiology is the is the science behind
muscle tension.
If you were to measure the strength of muscle tension when
someone has a negative thought pattern is weaker than when they
have a positive thought pattern. Wow, really, it affects the muscle
and our physiological manner. So you can actually overpower someone
who is typically strong when they are having a negative thought
pattern running in their head something as simple as I'm so
stupid on loop will weaken them physically that you can overpower
them why it's unreal.
And the opposite is true.
And the opposite is true. I tried it I did it myself. I would do a
demo with people hear but I did it myself once to test this whole
nonsense and I was like far out like my muscles are weaker when
I'm when when I'm in this negative thought pattern so you got working
out and you're like oh my god this is killing me. Oh my god, this is
burning. Oh my god, this is like going to I'm gonna die. You are
actually weakening yourself in that time in that space because
you are giving yourself that message on loop that is killing
you. Disrupting the pattern is as easy as paying attention. Most
people don't understand don't recognize that they can actually
listen into themselves.
Yes, we are. We run on autopilot so much that we don't recognize
there's that thought again.
Yeah, there's that. Yeah. Why am I feeling like that's the it's the
thought that I feel that I'm actually done. Yeah.
Subhanallah Yeah, go slow down.
I always tell people to slow down. Take breaths, actually breathe.
Yeah. conscious breath is so fascinating in slowing down the
process of thoughts and the process of feeling.
When whenever I tell people one of the things that I teach is, when
you are in like a really heightened state, all you've got
to do is breeds.
We've got to do I go to as well, please. And you can actually start
to hear and you can start to feel and you can start to see.
Okay, all right. I'm telling you
that he's an idiot. Yes, yes.
You can start to see truly what's going on for you. When you take a
breath. That's always my go to people say, Oh my God, how can I
do it? Just breathe. Just, that's it's so easy to breathe. Yeah.
We're not telling you to now get a journal and write down things and
explore the internal world.
Just breathe. You know, there's moments when you want to wring
your child's neck, and you take a breath.
And you don't do it. That's what's happening. That's the power from
the breath.
Breathing power. Oh, my goodness. Wait, can we just everyone, just
take a breath.
Take a breath, everyone.
Feel good. And listen, you people who have taken a breath, right and
you're holding your abs because you want to have the flat abs
look.
Actually need your abs need to pop out because you're breathing into
the deeper, you're into your diaphragm, right? We need you need
your belly to bulge when you're
okay, forget about flat flowers.
So hon Allah so you learn that from today. True breath is not
here. Up here in the chest, it's the diaphragm. It's the stomach
coming out. Okay, and filling with air and then going back in again.
And, yeah, try that.
To take a breath there. Because you know that that's slowing down.
I remember when I had, you know, you and I were working together
and I was overwhelmed with so much stuff. And you asked me to do mono
tasking where I had to just only concentrate on the thing at hand
the task at hand. And either, you know, just as pilot, it was so
powerful for me. But that thing of breathing. I don't know how many
people they get so tired of me now. Because you can hear it's
like you can see them getting worked up. You can see them going
there. And it's just like, okay, breathe, breathe. Just breathe,
and you see them coming down. You see them coming down. You know
what is so incredible when I'm on the phone with someone or if I'm
like, with a client or whatever, I can hit out when the anxiety is
starting to kick in for sure. Hear it. And I just I just said you
know what, just take a breath. Just take a breath. And they're
like, oh my god, I just you know, I needed to do that.
The pace just you have just gotten from zero to 200 right there and I
can hear it just breathe. It's for some people actually. It's the
breath and move you need to stand up. If you're sitting down.
Breaking the pattern that you just check your body. Check your body
when you are out of sync when you are feeling like the heightened
emotion. You check your body and what you're doing with your face.
What are you doing with your shoulders? You are so hella tense.
You just do a shoulder roll back. Ah, that just felt good. Just
Oh, yes. Oh, yes, you should the physic you what you're doing with
your body and your breath are so powerful. They're so powerfully
linked. You know, it's like they say we learned when we when we
went to UPW together, you know, try and smile when you're feeling
angry. Just transmit drive, smile when you're feeling hella angry.
You know that that smile is gonna break the pattern. It is yeah,
yeah. Or Laugh.
Laugh use look like a mad person but laugh. The pattern? Yeah.
Because what you do with your body impacts you to
one of the things that I love to share with my clients and, you
know, we learned this together is you know, how to change state how
to change your state. And we know when we learned from Tony Robbins,
you know, he really talked about how you can tell you know, there's
a physiologic physiology of your state, if it's the rest of it side
of it scared. There is a there's a body language involved. There is a
tone of voice, there is a posture, there is a focus, you know,
there's an energy to it. And one of the things that oh
What What were the things that he said about changing state, he
said, to change your focus, to change the language that you're
using change, change your physiology, like what we're
talking about, which is, you know, stand up, if you're sitting down,
guys, if you're feeling upset, or in that dark place, I'm not gonna
say depressed. But in that dark place, you know what it's like,
you stay in bed, you stay curled up, you know, you're hunched,
you've got that line between your brows, you know, you and you're in
there, you're in there. But the thing is, it's like you were
saying about, there is a point at which you can pull yourself back
from that, you can come back from that. And it's when you're paying
attention, and you feel yourself going down that negative road and
you say, what's coming up for me right now? What's happening? Why
am I going this direction? Do I want to go down this direction
right now? And if not, what can I do to change? The course? Correct?
Yeah. And you know, something that I know, I've noticed if people
were to,
you know, if you when you're in a down space, and you tell yourself,
and you were to notice and acknowledge that you're feeling
this way, most people don't acknowledge the emotions, they
feel like, that's nothing.
But one less thing, because I want to know from the people who are
watching this, firstly, do you agree that most people do not want
to acknowledge their emotions? And if so, why? Why do we do this? Is
it culture? Is it fear? Is it how we been raised? Is it that we
think it's not as glamorous? So I want to hear from from from the
from the I want to hear from them, too. Yeah, let's see what you're
saying what you're saying. You think, and also, I've had requests
to teach us more about multitasking. So So Noreen says
it's autopilot. Ignore the emotions and stuff them away on
Bashar says that it culture that teaches us to ignore those
emotions, who are what else guys and the other reasons why
it's painful. It's how we've been raised.
It's hard to face them because then you actually have to do
something and we're not ready or willing yet. One what other people
think about me culture again, the way we were raised to go on to
this you were saying, Yeah, we, we there's this
I'm not the I'm not positive thinking camp, by the way. People
might see like my work and I'm like, oh, yeah, you pause it. No,
no, no, no. Listen, life comes with its challenges. Allah
subhanaw taala has told us he will test us right. And we are humans,
if we wanted if he didn't want us to feel would have been like a
rock or something. You know? He's He's made us as human beings. We
feel feeling that no emotion is bad. Those who say that again, for
the people in the back, say scan for the people. That is bad. Anger
isn't bad. Fear isn't bad. Frustration isn't bad. Bad. No
emotion is bad. Yo.
It's about whether you're going to live in the motion. And what you
do with that emotion. Thank you. She said what she said no, but a
quote that intagra Okay. She said what she said, emotion is bad. And
this is something Subhanallah I advocate and I always teach people
one of the best ways to honor yourself and your humanity is to
acknowledge how you feel.
To this day
I just want to bask in it just keep going. I'm hearing even that
I have even this like I'm receiving this okay? This is my
message thank you Allah or your knowledge acknowledge how you feel
your human being Allah Subhana Allah has given you this
circumstance and you feel it. i Right now feel name it, label it.
And this is important because we have human beings who are so
emotionally illiterate. They only have angry and sad in them. They
don't know the nuances. They don't know rage. They don't know
frustration. They don't know disappointed. They don't know.
Listen, your book with Mufti Menk. My daughter now is using
resentment all over the place.
I'm feeling
right now, you know, like we don't have the language to describe
Listen, everybody, go on google.com and download an emotion
will to enhance your emotional literacy and see how how much
emotion how many emotions that are that you could use to describe how
you're feeling? Because one of my clients I remember she said, I
realized that everything that I've been saying that is
leading me to anger. I'm not actually angry. I'm just a bit
disappointed, or I'm just a bit frustrated. Yeah, I'm not actually
hungry. And when you expand your emotional vocabulary, then you can
start to acknowledge what's really going on for you. If you were to
acknowledge I'm feeling angry right now,
what is the choice that I want to make from this place? Right? You
are empowered to move.
You don't need to live in that anger. Often what we choose is oh,
this emotion this I'm feeling down. I'm feeling depressed. I'm
feeling sad.
Is that it and it stops there.
And then we send people stew in that place. Feel what you want to
feel, or what you want to do now? Right? You're gonna stay there?
Are we gonna stay there? You have the choice to stay there. Lie
down.
Make your home that.
Don't stay. Oh, you can make a choice. Even though you feel that
way. I'm feeling angry right now. And I think once I did an IG live,
I was hella fuming Monday. I was like, I'm feeling angry, and I'm
gonna go for a walk. Okay. And that's what I was angry. And I
acknowledged it. But I knew that okay, I'm going to need I need,
I'm going to need to move. Otherwise, I'm going to stay in
this race. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, go go on, go on. We've just got a
question here. MashAllah that sisters asked her, which I think
is, is quite pertinent. And she says, How do you snap out of it?
When you know it is a recurring problem? And it's, it's easier to
just accept it than to repeatedly snap out of it?
What are your thoughts on that? It's easier to is it? Is it
easier? What? So I'm my question is, is it really easier? Or is it
just more convenient?
Right, is it easy? Or is it just, you know what, I don't need to
it's just, it's just more convenient when you just say that.
Yes. You know what, when you are going to the gym of life, yeah.
You know, you can't be picking up those 100 kg weights out there.
You need to start with a little
one kg
because you know, there's twit there's 100 kg weight is going to
be hella hard to carry to carry. But we have told ourselves, you
know what, I'm not even gonna carry any weight. Because that 100
kg is hot. So pound Allah. Wow. Rather than sticking with it, you
know what, you're not going to get it perfect. Yes, it's going to be
it's going to be challenging at the beginning. But you are going
to build so much muscle that it's going to be bought that you can do
it on autopilot without thinking, hmm.
But you have to give yourself the permission to ride out.
You can give up or you can keep going.
Listen, I'm not gonna say we're in charge today, because we're not I
find it the same way investor today because you wouldn't be
given the hook bah, bah, this is just preach for us. Now we're
hearing about the gym of life gym.
So I just want to draw attention to this. You know this, this we'll
put a link in the chat. And subhanAllah check this out guys.
On the sad we've gone. Over pressed, repressed, hurt, bereft
melancholy. subdued, aggrieved, discouraged. And then beyond that
we've got bleak, despondent, deflated.
disconsolate inconsolable for long, sorrowful, gloomy, somber,
agonizing, desolate, small, broken, I think we need to make a
new lexicon. We need to make a new book with Mufti Menk. And say, Do
you see those those?
That's enough, we need a lot of grades.
mean, wow. Honestly, we do. We do. We need it for ourselves to equip
ourselves and we need to equip our kids, because our kids have only
got three words in their, in the in their vocabulary, and that's
all they that's all they know, emotions to be.
And it's quite sad. But I say you know, subhanAllah just just being
able to label it, label it, not say it's mine. just label it as
what I'm currently feeling. Yeah. And making a choice from that.
Subhanallah it's, yeah, it's massive. And I think having that
sort of emotional intelligence, I guess you would call it would you
would you refer to as the emotional intelligence when you're
able to recognize what's coming up for you and
name it and then just make a decision. Its intelligence and
literacy. Because literacy for words and intelligence is that
recognition, what we're doing with it? Yes, yeah. And assistant said
here, what do you do when you make the intention to try? We actually
want to, but you still fall in the ditch again. Don't stop. I'm
assuming that you know, what do you what do you do with these hand
weights? Now you make the intention to try to try don't try.
I want you to actually ditch the word try from your vocabulary.
Try and try and pick up a chair, try and pick up a chair, you don't
go and say, I'm going to try and pray today. No, you get your
behind up. I was gonna say a different word that you're gonna
get get your behind. And you pray, right. I'm not going to try and
pray my five silhouettes. You either do it or you don't. Right.
Like Yoda says you do or you don't. There's no try. When you
and I think I've done a podcast about this, you know, like, when
we use them where tries because we've already decided that there's
inherent flake failure in 100%. Yes.
So I often say to people look, are you gonna do or not? Don't tell me
try? You're gonna do yes or no? If you're gonna if it's a no, it's a
no, if it's a yes, it's a yes.
No, that you did your best.
To fall in love? Like we do, we do the work a lot brings the results,
you know, but if we don't even do the work, how can we hope for the
results, this is the vain hope that people have somehow things
will change. I can stay the same I can be as I was, I don't have to
move from this comfortable place. But somehow Allah is going to
change my situation. But what is the idea that us coaches love so
much? Love?
themselves. Okay. But you know, I do want to address that question
besides the the tray.
And a lot of the time people don't have a lot of the time people
don't have a comp. There are two things Either they don't have
concrete
a concrete destination, I just want to be happier. What does that
mean? Right? Yeah, yeah. I want to be nicer to my kids. What does
that look like? How will you know that you're being nicer to your
kids? What specifically would be happening? What specifically would
you be seeing hearing feeling when you're nicer to your kids first,
so that's it's so generalized, so unspecific that you don't even
know if you've reached the destination or not. Yeah.
And the second thing, sometimes you have decided that it has to
look like this. And if it doesn't look like this, then I'm a
failure. I flopped didn't get it? Yeah, it didn't come, you know, if
all the things in the sparkles and the rainbows didn't come out, then
that one there, it didn't work out. And those are two are the
biggest downfalls I've seen when people say that they want to try
to do something they want to try to change. You either don't even
have you don't know it. You don't you wouldn't have evidence. You
don't have evidence of it all. You have decided it must be like this.
Yeah. And if it must be if it's not like this, then you have an
issue. Yeah, yeah. Flexibility is so important. If you decide all
you know, you know, I want to be better with my kids today. Or, you
know, I want to be more productive tomorrow. Okay, what does that
mean? Specific? What does productive mean? But you what does
that look like? What has to happen in order for you to be productive?
And does productive to you? Have you decided that productive means
that every single item on the list has to be ticked?
Are you setting yourself up to win? No, I love that. I love that.
Wait a second, wait a second, because this this is this is
something I love to talk about with people. And that is when we
set the rules for success in a way that ensures that we fail. Yes. So
talk to us on that girl. Once you got all that girl.
You put all the criteria that you know you ain't even gonna do it.
You know, you're gonna you're not gonna make it. And it's almost
like Well, you see, I tried. No, no, no, but what happened is, you
put so much up against yourself that you wouldn't you wouldn't
even make it.
You wouldn't even make it to that destination. It's like saying
that.
Let me see. In order to say that I have done a good job I need to
have wash the dishes, wash the clothes, mop the floor done all
the shelves cleaned out all the
unrealistically
common now, cut yourself some slack. Be kind to yourselves to
yourself, be realistic, and set yourself up to win you know when
you've just if you want to if you want to redefine
winning as just two items to
things, just taking deep breaths, whatever it might be, just set
yourself up to win. Because you know what, when you win just one
day, you're like your brains like, I like this feeling. Can we do
this again? Tomorrow? Please? Yes, it's a positive override is is
that positive reinforcement to say, you know, it feels good.
That's another thing, you know, that I really find that I am
talking about with my clients a lot is how scared we are to feel
good.
How we love to put rules in place, tell us our stories, you know,
have conversations that do not make us feel good. And I'm like,
why? You know, why are we doing this to ourselves? Why do you
write a to do list that really, you know, is impossible, right?
You set the rules up so that at the end of the day, you're not
going to feel a sense of achievement, a sense of
fulfillment, you're not going to finish all those things. And then
the end, of course, all you do is berate yourself to say I knew I
couldn't have done it. I'm such a this. I always do that. I never do
this. And then the whole negative spiral just continues. Why are we
so scared of feeling good? Guys? Give me some give us something in
the chat. Why are we so afraid? Oh, it's really good about
ourselves and our lives and what we're trying to do, because
feeling bad is so familiar. Oh, in law.
Feeling bad is so familiar. You want me to work. You want me to
start giving myself high fives out here. Let me just say stick with
what I know. And remember the stories, the stories, the stories
that we tell ourselves. If I if I start feeling good about myself,
maybe I'm going to become arrogant. Maybe I'm going to get
uppity and up in my own like, behind and love myself off too
much. Maybe people aren't going to like me anymore. Maybe I'm going
to lose friendships, maybe I'm going to lose people who you know,
I currently lean on for support. There are so many stories,
everyone's got their intimate story about why they shouldn't
succeed, that maybe not feeling worthy of it. I'm not good enough.
I committed that sin 10 years ago, and I need to keep paying the
price for it. Now.
Everyone's story is different. But there is a story there. That's
keeping people in that space of familiarity of negative negativity
about themselves about their life.
And sometimes change is just hella scary. It's so unfamiliar that
it's hairless. Like, I had a client today share. I'm so I'm so
scared of this new meme that's emerging. I'm so scared leaving,
like I am seeing changes happening to me. And you know, it's this
point. And I love the fact she shared this because it's this
point that most people self sabotage and go back to where they
are, to where they've come from, right? This point, they're like,
Oh, my God, I'm actually standing up for myself and I'm using my
voice and going a bit uncomfortable, let me just wasn't
let me not do too much. Let me just sit down.
It's that point that people are like, good, regressing and going
back. Yeah.
But recognizing the story and what's going on and how you're
feeling. And what you've told yourself will happen. If you
change if you become better, if you start acknowledging yourself,
if you start loving yourself
is so it's so disruptive, because we have not been raised like that.
We've been raised to minimize ourselves for others, to erase
ourselves for others to make you always prioritize other people and
other people's feelings over our over our own SubhanAllah. So it is
it is a it's very uncomfortable space to be. But if you can lean
into that discomfort and kind of that edge that you're on. I really
believe that once you push through that that's where the growth
happens. That's the stretch zone, the growth zone. I would say even
just focusing on the purpose of backwards in the first place. Why?
What's the purpose of it? What is what is the outcome you're really
looking for? And is the pain of staying as you want greater than
the pain? The pain will change? Is it really
glass some some input from our viewers, and they were talking
about why it is that we don't feel good and how we are so comfortable
feeling bad. And Sister said that we compare ourselves to others
to we're used to all of that comparison and also because we're
overachievers and basing our lives on other people's priorities,
which I think is so so true, especially in certain communities.
It's like your life is not your own your life is
Everyone else is someone else's template Exactly. Also, that we
set standards for ourselves are much higher than what we expected
others. And you know, I love this one, the fear of the new that the
new you will be strange for others
it will be, I say to people that you will lose people.
And it's important to become to recognize you will lose people,
maybe
losing people in the sense that some people can't handle your
light anymore. And they don't want to put on shades.
Some people are feel threatened by you, and your change, some and
some people feel threatened that you're going to leave them, some
people see your changes, and they start having insecurities about
themselves, that start coming up, I got my good, you know, I'm I'm
staying like this, and I'm not changing. And now she's too good
for me, you know, or she's gonna ditch me because I'm not good
enough for her anymore. So there are there are loads of things that
peep other people will have. You want to decide if you're going to
take their story and have that their story is your own narrative.
Because it's not your mess.
Supanova got some fantastic feedback or comments here. And
there's a question here, I don't know whether you saw it about
teenagers depression, to say depression in in quotes.
And so a 15 year old girl, when there is no one to believe them or
consider their mindset. And this is to kind of back that up and
said, How can you acknowledge a young person or child low mood and
negative thoughts? Without encouraging them to sit in it?
What are your thoughts on that? Is? My question is,
is acknowledgement the same as encouragement? Or is it an
alignment, just validation, and validating your rights to feel a
certain way?
I think often we see if we feel like if I don't acknowledge it,
then they will stop having this feeling, which is so wrong.
Because the very thing that child needs is to be seen and heard.
And in being seen and heard, they know it's okay to feel low. Yeah.
And that they have a right to feel low. When you say what, what are
you upset about anyway, you will tell them that child, you're
dismissing them, and that what they're feeling. But you're also
telling that child you don't have a right to feel this way.
I don't even see you, I don't hear you.
And this is a dangerous space for a child to be in. Because they
will go and find someone or somewhere that they will be seen
and heard. And that's why addiction to social media is so
rife, because most young people feel seen and heard by their peers
on or strangers on social media.
Wow, okay, I'm just I'm gonna ask this, you know, you know, for for
anyone else who's thinking of this.
You know?
Sometimes they, they're in an emotional state. Yeah. And you're
just like,
you know, this, like, almost, I don't want to say the words that
you use, which is, you don't have a right to feel like this. But you
know, when they're upset about, you know, the game, for example.
Yeah, the computer's lagging. Okay, so they lost a fortnight
battle, for example, right? Yeah.
Why are you even like, why are you even talking to me about this? I
care about this thing? I do not if I don't want you to play that game
at all. So how can we validate our children without kind of, I don't
know, maybe? I don't know, whether I'm making any sense here. Or what
you're saying. I hear what you're saying is like, oh is asking, you
know when is that deep?
But you know, it's interesting to me, because for young people,
everything matters. Everything. Everything is a big deal. To me.
Me dropping that last piece of ice cream, like bit of ice cream on
the floor. You don't know how much I wanted that ice cream in my
belly. You may know you don't even know. I wanted that. Right? And
you saying Oh, it's just a bit of ice cream. They just say wait, you
don't you don't see how big a deal this is to me. I don't matter to
you. This is a narrative. This is the ongoing narrative. I'm not
enough. I don't matter what I think and feel doesn't matter.
What I feel and think isn't good enough for you? Because it's not
enough. You want me to think and know what you want me to feel?
Because I know what you want me to feel and I'm not feeling that
right now and therefore
Oh, and it's me, you know what, it's enough to just say, I hear
you. I know that. Just, I hear you not even that you get it because
you don't get it because you're lying. You don't get it. But just
to say, I hear you. I know that must that means a lot to you. It
doesn't mean a lot to me. But it's not about me, because I'm not one
feeling the feelings, who's feeling the feelings? And I get
it. And I know that it's, it matters to you, do you want to
talk about it.
And sometimes just having that invitation to talk and to offload,
that's all they need. They don't need you to fix it often. It just
needs to be seen and to be heard and to feel like they matter.
That's it.
And you know, the moment you do that, right? The moment you just
give them that space. Sometimes that's that's it, the problem has
gone. So it's not encouraging, if you notice, it's not encouraging
is just to say I see you IP and you matter.
And if they you know, if you want to put out the invitation, do you
want any help or support with that, then you can bring that in,
right? But just to have space panela safe space for teams is so
just just to have a space to say I feel like this, this has happened,
blah, blah, blah. I think we could avoid so many issues, if we had
those safe spaces and created those safe spaces. And I hear
people saying, you know, culturally, it's bizarre.
Look, listen, I didn't grow up talking to my family. You know,
I've had to learn to talk, I've had to learn to express emotions,
as still, till this day as a 35 year old woman, I'm still learning
to express my emotions vulnerably the people I love, because I
wasn't trained to do that as a child.
Right? So it's not, you know, there isn't a magic wand or it's a
process. And it's a process of being comfortable with being
uncomfortable. And allowing yourself to go there.
Pamela, well, I think you gave us a lot more than we, we came here
for and I pray I pray that Allah Subhana Allah gives every one of
you what you needed from this session.
And now I've got a couple of people we've got a bit of an open
mic now where people can come on, I can unmute you, you can come on
video, and and share in sha Allah.
But I've got Madiha here who would like to have a chat anybody else?
If you want to come on, please just raise your hand in in zoom or
or send me a private message inshallah and I will, I will give
you permission to speak in sha Allah so Madiha you can go ahead.
Salam aleikum by consensus? My heart is racing right now, as you
said, like unmute yourself.
I know I don't know if Lenka remembers we work together last
year. Oh, girl.
And I think that's the reason I wanted to raise him because the
work that she did with me.
I don't know if she realizes that I don't know, I don't think I've
told her how much I have achieved. Since I've worked with her.
And for me listening to her today, it was just, you know, it was I
was recording everything that we talked about in those sessions and
everything. And subhanAllah I can say this, you know, she took me
out of,
you know, the negative space that I was in
at that time. Because before that, I never acknowledged that there
was ever an issue with me. It was always about the other people
blaming others. Like, you know, parents did this relatives did
that family and friends did that. And I remember that she gave me
this analogy of like, you know, putting me on the helicopter,
which I would love to do that we like one day, but she's like, you
know, look at you like so then because I was constantly talking
about everything that had gone wrong.
How my life was like so bad and how it was getting worse and worse
and worse every day. And then I realized, I don't know if she
remembers I said, now I realized that even my tests were given to
me on a silver platter.
I remember that conversation.
And since then, I have worked so much on myself. And I what I
realized was that growing or getting yourself out of that
negative space, changing yourself physically, emotionally,
psychologically, it involves a lot of heavy lifting
and letting go
Things means that I have to do all the work.
And staying put means just blame it on other people and just not
show up, just not move.
But then I realized I have to do the work.
And I realized what I was capable of, to the point where I think I
said that to her, but I wrote it in my journal that I'm scared of
what I am capable of a lot of. Yes, I remember, it was. And I've
had a lot of revelations about myself since then. And it's just
been next step. And next step, next step, and it's always been
like, I fall down, because we're human beings. And life is, you
know, life throws, you know, a lot of stuff at you everyday, you
never get a break. But I've realized that you know, what, all
the things that are taught that I fail that I've actually realized
that I
not survived and thrived
through those negative emotions and negative experiences. And
every single time I've learned something
that has helped me in the next process, and then, and through the
next negative experience, I've learned something that opened my
eyes to another whole experience. And all these things that I've
learned, I would have never learned them. If my life was
so called perfect, or if it was, like really good, and I had the
best of everything. Yeah. But this was the plan that Allah had made
for me. And subhanAllah, I have surprised myself over and over
again, that you know what, this is what I'm capable of. And it all
came from acknowledging that, let's just stop pointing fingers
at other people.
Let's just pay attention to myself. Why am What am I feeling
right now? Why am I feeling it? And why am I holding on to this
right now?
What's going to happen if I let go of this? What's going to happen?
And then I realized, you know what, I keep saying, something
worse is going to happen. But what's what's gonna happen? Like,
I'll be back to square one, which, which is where I am right now. So
let me experience something new. Let me let me not try let me do
something new.
And then the worst case scenario is I'll get back to where I am
right now. And I'm pretty comfortable there.
And
I think Naima knows that, but Lanka, haven't told, I started my
food business as well, which I thought I'll end up killing
people, but I'm running it successfully.
So I have definitely surprised myself.
And I've recognized what my potential is, what skills I have,
without putting myself down, over and over again, with that inner
mean, girl, oh, you've not been to college, you don't have
qualifications, your family did this, Yo, you know, they think
you're stupid, you're ignorant, you're this, you're that. That
mean? Girl keeps coming back to me. But then I say, You know what?
I've done this,
which I thought 10 years ago, or even last year that I couldn't do
it.
And the things that I've achieved in past one year, I never ever
thought in my entire life that I will do that stuff.
And to be honest, it's all happened.
When I started
loving and caring for myself,
a breach appreciating myself
giving myself credit.
Rather than giving other people the credit for like, all the
negative stuff, I started giving myself credit for
how I survived and thrived.
Despite all that happened.
And now when I have bad days,
I step back and I say you know what?
I'm going to I'm having a bad day, and it's just a bad day. That's
it. That's all right. Can I jump in there? Yes, you can do and I
think it's really important to for other ladies to know that they're
a bad day is only bad when you choose for it to be bad. Meaning
that there are moments in a day. And usually it's one moment
we allow to become a bad day. Yeah, true. One moment
But if you allow that one moment to just remember remain is that
one moment that that wasn't useful. That wasn't good. That was
bad. If you want to use that language, I don't particularly
like it. But
if we allowed just that moment to be bad, then the whole day doesn't
have to be ruined. The whole day doesn't have to be bad. Right?
And, and that is so important to recognize because then you know,
okay, I can have good, I can have a good day that hat included a bad
moment. Yep. Yeah. That's what it is, I think a home that now have
started to, instead, instead of like waiting for big things to
happen, like we had the conversation in our very first
session that I have the habit of looking at, you know, I like to go
into details like details matter a lot to me every small things,
rather than looking at a bigger picture, what I've started to do
is like, an humble Allah started living in the moment.
And enjoying even this, like, the so called small wins are now like,
the big wins for me, like just enjoying a cup of coffee sitting
outside having sun on my face, just hearing the birds chirping.
That's like, for me, it's like Subhanallah experiencing that.
And that's like, it changes my physiology. And the same thing,
like over the past few months, when, as soon as this COVID thing
happened, I had a really big, I had a few triggers. And I had a
lot of panic attacks, a lot of anxiety. And I just
told myself to slow down.
And I did.
And 100 Allah Al Hamdulillah that helped me. Rather than me trying
to say no, I'm in a survival mode, I need to keep going, I need to
keep going, I reminded myself that I need to slow down, I need to
show up for myself. deal with the emotions right now. So they don't
keep up. They don't keep going up and explode later. So if I have
got an issue, let me deal with it right now. Whatever it is, yeah.
And under the law, and from the law.
I never thought that I would do this. But I went into therapy for
myself because I knew there were things that I had not dealt with.
And
just doing that for myself. It it gave a lot of like, I felt very
powerful.
Because
up till that time, I just you know, when we said culture, and I
kept telling myself this story that I can't talk about my
emotions. I can't talk about my feelings, because other people
will get hurt.
But at the end of the day,
everybody else is fine.
It's me who's suffering
their story, their story, but I'm putting too much weight on my own
shoulders.
I'm trying to carry the weight of the whole world like you know, the
whole family Oh, I have to think about the whole like the clan of
like 1000 people and think like, oh, I have to think about their
feelings. So let me just keep mine in me you know what's interesting
about that when Allah talks about saving ourselves in the Hellfire
mentions us to save ourselves first to Pamela. Not save your
kids and not save your family. actually save yourself first.
So what what is the lesson there that actually
we matter the most first and then taking care of others? Yeah,
because I realized it was I had come to the point where not
prioritizing myself for my own mental health, my emotional well
being my physical health. It had come to the point where it was
affecting my Eman
and that's where I said you know what, it's under keep saying like
in the grave is just gonna be me. There's not going to be nobody
else.
If I'm doing things if I'm not in a good state of mind and I am not
giving my 100% or even my best in my salah because of that. That's
not fair.
I need to work on my own emotional well being so that I can be there
for my own Salah for you know, you have to enjoy that time to
experience that time. That conversation between me and my
Creator. Why am I letting
my feelings towards other people or my resentment and holding on to
this stuff getting in the way of me
And my conversation with the Creator.
And I think we have, I can just jump in there because we're gonna
have to round up. But one of the things that I really appreciate
you coming on and you know, being so, so honest with us, and sharing
so honestly, mashallah, because I think your story, obviously, you
know, you've worked with me and you've worked with me. And I think
that your story really is an example of what we're talking
about today, which is when you change the narrative, and you
change the story, that you're telling yourself about your whole
life, it you can literally, nothing else has to change. My
dear brothers and sisters, that's the reality, nothing else has to
change. It is literally how you view the situation, the
perspective that you have, the language that you use, that will
alter a situation from being good or bad, because they think you've
got that wonderful. I always use it now. But that analogy of the
two sides of the coin, and that would everybody before we round
up, because I think it's so powerful people think that a
situation is all bad, or all good. Yeah, so I always use no matter,
you could never change it from being bad. And if it was good, it
was good. But what's the point in my coin analogy is you know, when
you have a coin, it's heads or tails, and just having heads
facing you doesn't diminish the fact that tells exist. And having
tells facing you doesn't diminish the fact that heads exist. So if a
heads that say was positive, or the you know, the benefits to
opportunities or whatever, just because there are benefits and
opportunities doesn't mean that there's pain, right? But just
because there's pain, it also doesn't mean that there are
opportunities and benefits either it doesn't one focusing on one
doesn't actually diminish the existence of the other we have a
choice and we have agency to choose what we want to focus on
and what we focus on is what we will get I have seen women who
have lived through experiences where just from their mindset
changing the experience of that experience has changed. The man is
still nonsense and still not taking care of his kids yeah, he's
still trying to be like bachelor out there but because of her shift
she is choosing differently and how she responds and shows up in
that situation. environment might not change but because you have
this isn't it is the idea in the Quran just showed you to change
what is going on within you your circumstance changes your
situation changes not necessarily the way that but the way you
experience experience of it and your interpretation of it.
Anything anything you want it to be and that is life our lives are
our experiences of our circumstances if there's no one
reality Yes, you have your own version of reality based on
your perspective, your experience of that so you know you can have
the exact same test as somebody else but because of your mindset,
you can experience that test differently and we all do you know
in a neuro linguistic programming they've got that picture of the of
the brain and they show how we are taking in you know information but
the information is not coming into your brain unfiltered and then the
truth of that is in your head no you're filtering with filtering
all the time. Our childhood our culture, our background, we're how
we were raised, you know what we were told growing up our
education, our own personal experiences are all filters what
how we process that information, how we process that situation? And
then how we choose to respond. So yeah, absolutely. It's incredibly
powerful when you realize that
and this is and this is what we mean when we say that you have a
choice. This is what we mean when we say you have a choice. No one
can control if you interpret something to be a certain way
except to you.
And nothing means anything as Tony Robbins says nothing means
anything except the meaning that we give it so you choose what it
means you choose if you know that bowl of rice falling on the floor
means you're going to starve today or if it means you know what that
wasn't meant for me. Let me go and find something else to you. Yeah,
you choose. I love that. And definitely we are this is like the
first of many inshallah we have to me and one this is a part one. All
my brothers and sisters who are watching this I just want to thank
you so much for joining me in the virtual salon today and my extra
special guest they incur Sani it's always a blessing to have you with
us. May Allah preserve you and your family and all your work and
all your wonderful clients and the people who you serve mashallah
guys at the Inca sunny
On Instagram Twitter, Facebook many Instagram she doesn't mess
with Facebook to be fair
Yeah, she made the offer her follow her on Instagram DM her if
you you know something resonated with you today and you know you
want to excel you know go further with her in sha Allah and please
don't forget to share this once it's released on on YouTube please
do share this I think there's so many gems here that so many people
need to hear and virtual salon as you know is pretty much weekly now
that the aids are gone. We don't have any more excuses out here
every week and Sharla it's going to be us. Normally I have more
guests, but I'm going to be switching it up sometimes it's
going to be one on one sometimes is going to be a whole big panel
sometimes assisters only sometimes brothers only but as you know this
is a safe space for all brothers and sisters to come and learn
except for when it is our monthly sisters sessions which are
exclusively for the sisters. And if you came to the last one on
hijab, you know the level of conversation the level of
discussion mashallah about Allah. The next one is this coming Friday
and Saturday, it's a two day event where we are going to be learning
about the secrets of successful Muslim wives in sha Allah. And
we've got an all star cast we've got Megan Wyatt mashallah we've
got village auntie, we've got all tell her for marital. We've got
Marian Lim, I have got my ticket. I saw you got your ticket.
So guys, there is the link in Shama to get your tickets, it's
bit.ly/wives conversation, do not miss out but isn't allowed because
we've got the coaches from the polygamy coaches as well.
Fatima, they're gonna be there. So it's going to be a salon like this
on the Friday and then on the Saturday, there'll be individual
seminars from each one of the participants in Charlottesville.
They'll be teaching their special secret sauce, and I've heard them
all speak. I'm looking forward to Who are you looking forward to
think of who you most looking forward to? You know, I know I
know. I'm gonna tell people who you look at of course.
We start also Monday, I'm level because I've seen her in action in
Nigeria, and I know that she's going to bring that girlfriend
energy, okay.
You better talk Allah and we've got so many other wonderful
sisters coming as well. We've got Megan Wyatt with her fearless
vulnerability.
This is going to be wild. So please, guys, get your tickets.
And we'll see you next Friday in sha Allah. And until then please
be safe and be blessed to be evening. And we'll see you on the
other side in sha Allah does that from ALLAH SubhanA. Allah Madhavan
of hunting, Edwin Leila and what's that going to be like? Love you
all Salaam Alaikum.
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