Naima B. Robert – The Rising Divorce Rates- Tips for a Successful Marriage
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Whenever I'm invited to do a talk,
I always start by saying Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.
Because
if Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
guides you to a gathering
where his name is mentioned
and where his Deen is honored,
then this is a nie'mah
and we say, Alhamdulillah, we're grateful for that
nie'mah.
Because there are some people
who meant to be here,
but they're not here. Qadr Allah. And there
are some of you who didn't even know
yesterday that you would be here today and
by Allah's grace, you are here. Put your
hand up if you didn't know you were
coming last week.
Last week, no one knew, because there was
no event, masha'Allah.
So, I've been invited to come and speak
on a topic
that
draws crowds
wherever we go.
Because it is
marriage.
And the flip side of marriage, divorce.
These are topics
that our communities
everywhere
struggle with,
are challenged by,
and continue to work on.
So today, insha'Allah,
I would like to share a few of
the takeaways
from the lessons I've learned
over the past few years, and in fact,
longer than that.
Because,
as the Sheikh mentioned,
I became Muslim in my early twenties,
and I was introduced to another revert
by a friend at college,
and that revert and I, we ended up
getting married, Alhamdulillah.
And I was 21.
Masha'Allah.
And Alhamdulillahirubalalameen,
through that union,
Allah blessed us with 5 children,
and he blessed us with 17 happy years,
alhamdulillah.
In that time, we graduated college,
built a business,
moved to Egypt,
had our children memorizing Quran, learned Arabic, studied,
built more businesses, alhamdulillah.
The reality
for most of us
is that
we take what we have for granted.
Would you agree? Put your hand up if
you agree.
Most of us
don't look at our lives on a daily
basis and say, Alhamdulillah
for this, Alhamdulillah for that. Alhamdulillah
for my husband, for my wife, for my
children,
for my health, for my home,
for my parents still alive,
for this job that pays my bills,
for this degree that is opening doors for
me, for my friends who support me. Most
of us
are forgetful.
We are
the children of Adam after all.
So
when, one day,
I was invited to go out to eat
with a friend,
and I came home,
and I came home fairly late, and my
husband had already gone to sleep.
My youngest was only 2 at the time,
2 or 3. And she woke up, and
she wanted me to to lie down with
her, so I did. I went and I
laid down with her.
And the next morning,
I was woken by my children
who came calling for me.
Mommy,
mommy,
daddy's not waking up.
I went
to the bed
and found my husband
not responsive.
And we called the ambulance
and
it happened like this.
Has anybody here had a medical emergency before?
Any kind of a medical emergency. You know
it just goes like this.
So what happens?
He's not responsive.
The ambulance comes. We take him to get
a scan.
They say that there he's had a stroke
and that there is brain damage,
and he's in a coma.
And they don't know how long he'll be
in the coma
or what his state will be if he
wakes up.
So I'm sitting there.
It's been 17 years
of this man, a constant in my life,
this beloved husband,
wonderful father, mashallah tabarakallah.
My children are looking to me for answers.
When is daddy going to wake up?
When is he coming home? When are you
coming home?
And I don't know what to tell them.
So he's in the coma
and the people start coming.
They come with gifts, they come with du'a,
they come with Quran,
they come with love.
How wonderful people come into your life when
you need them.
And I'm sitting there,
I'm the one who has to phone his
mother.
This is her youngest child.
And I have to tell her,
mom, he's in a coma, they don't know
whether he's going to wake up.
I have to hear
a mother's heart breaking.
And I have to go through all the
scenarios.
What if he stays in a coma for
3 years?
What happens then?
You know,
there's an interesting thing that people do
when you somebody is in a coma, they
come and they tell you miraculous stories. Have
you heard those miraculous stories?
I knew someone,
they were in a coma for 6 months,
wallahi.
And they woke up and they were fine.
Sister, you'll be Okay.
Sister, I heard about someone whose husband was
in a coma for 3 years.
Wallahi.
And when he woke up, everything was Okay,
they had another baby last year.
They think this is comforting.
I don't.
Because I don't know how to navigate my
life
with my husband in this coma.
But
Allah is
the owner of the heavens and the earth,
and he decides.
So You Arab, if he will be in
a coma for however long,
I accept.
Then they say,
when he wakes up, he may have severe
brain damage.
He may not recognize you or the children.
I say, Allah
is the owner of the heavens and the
earth.
He decides.
And if my husband wakes up
and he is no longer the man that
he was, I accept.
And then what if
he doesn't come back?
SubhanAllah, I went through every scenario which is
what you do. You go through every scenario,
what could possibly happen and Allah gives me
the chance to accept each scenario.
Say You Rabb,
this is in your hands.
Whatever you decide, I accept.
So one day,
a sister comes
with a story for me. And this was
a story that did give me comfort.
She said, you know, there was a husband
and a wife, and they had a child,
they had a
daughter. And this daughter from when she was
born, she was very ill.
And the doctor said she wouldn't survive, past
1 year, 2 years, 3 years, 4 years,
but the daughter survived.
Until one day she got too sick,
and they took her into hospital,
and the hospital staff said, you have to
leave her here.
So
they come back the next day,
and the doctors say,
it's not looking good,
she needs this, she needs that.
And the man says to his wife,
not yet.
They come back the next day,
the doctors tell them the prognosis,
the man says to his wife,
not yet.
Then they come back the next day,
and the hospital staff tell them that their
daughter has passed away.
And the husband says to his wife,
now.
And they both fall into sujud of shukr.
The hospital staff
are shocked.
Your daughter has just died, you're making sujood
of shukr,
what's happening here?
And the parents explained
and they
said, Allah blessed us with this child
for 5 years, 6 years, longer than the
doctor said.
We were blessed
to know her,
to love her, to get the ajr of
caring for her, of of making sure she
was comfortable.
This is something to be grateful for,
and if Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala decides to
take her back,
we decided we would only embrace
gratitude.
We would truly embody Alhamdulillah
a laqulihal.
So,
when after 2 weeks,
I got the phone call
and the doctor said that
we tried to revive him
but your husband is no more, your husband
has returned to Allah.
I said, Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raj
your own.
Thank you.
I put down the phone
and I went into sujud of Shukr.
Because of
the 17 years,
because of the 5 children,
because of the love and the memories and
the solace and the garment that I was
blessed with for 17 years was on loan
to me.
On loan.
Brothers and sisters,
we as human beings are ungrateful.
If you go to the bottom of almost
all our issues,
you'll find
ingratitude.
Taking things for granted,
thinking we deserve more.
Why should I not have what so and
so has? What I used to have, what
I have always dreamt of having.
We take for granted
the people in our lives, and that includes
our spouses. And to be honest,
my hunch
is that we take for granted
our spouse more than everybody else. Who who
agrees with that?
I think our children, mashallah, we're so grateful
for them. Who makes dua for their children
all the time?
How many people make dua for their husband
or wife all the time?
Okay.
Alhamdulillah.
Our children,
they are our life, our heart. We will
happily sacrifice
sleep,
money,
resources,
our own pleasure, our own enjoyment to make
sure that they're happy.
And we thank Allah for them every day,
we hold them close, we cherish them. Even
when they are 18, 25, 30, we still
feel the same.
Husbands,
not so much.
Sometimes it's, not as simple. But my point
is this,
why do I tell this story?
Because I want
those of you who are married,
those of you who, insha'allah, will be married,
I want you to wake up.
I want you to wake up
to the niemah
that is right there
beside you.
The fact
that another person
has agreed
to share their life with you,
to build a life with you,
to tolerate
your nonsense,
to make excuses for you, to love you
in spite of your craziness,
this is something to say, alhamdulillah,
for.
Anyone in this room perfect?
Any perfect people in this room?
Who's imperfect then?
Who's imperfect?
Why are people scared to raise their hand?
Everybody is imperfect.
That's how Allah created us.
So
if you find someone
who's willing
to walk this journey of life with you
in spite of
your humanness,
this is something to say alhamdulillah for,
Do you know
how many people in this world have no
one?
Do you know
that there are people in this world,
many people in this world, maybe some in
this room,
who wake up
every day knowing
no one is thinking about me.
No one is worried about me.
No one is calling to say, have you
eaten?
How did you
sleep?
No one I can't turn to anyone and
say,
I'm in trouble.
I need help. Can you? Can we?
There are people in this world who are
dying from loneliness.
And yet, I see
the people
who have someone,
they are unhappy.
They are not satisfied.
It's not good enough.
It's not enough love, there's not enough time,
there's not enough grace, there's not enough affection,
there's not enough, there's not enough.
That's why I say,
I want
everyone
here insha'Allah,
if you have someone in your life
to wake up to the blessing of that
person.
It's very easy
and shaitan
loves
it when we focus on the faults of
the other person. Yes?
It's very easy to do that because we
all have faults,
every single one of us.
So if we,
every day,
continue to look at the faults of the
person,
why doesn't he do this?
Why is he always doing that? Why does
she never do this? Why must I always?
What happens?
We build a picture
that is not true.
And we start to believe
a picture
that is not the truth, it's not the
whole truth.
The people who
survive, the couples
that find happiness with each other,
what do they focus on? What do you
think? What do you think they focus on?
Couples that are happy together,
that are able to make a good life,
what do they focus on?
I'm not going to say an answer, I
want you to say
the positives,
Baraka lalafiq.
What else?
What's working?
What is going well?
What the person does well?
What you like about the person?
What you love about the person?
And ultimately,
what you're grateful for. Because
if anything,
the loss of my husband taught me was
that everything we have
is a manna.
Everything is on loan.
Everything.
I'd like you to just
go inwards, close your eyes if you need
to, but just think of
all of the people
that are in your life right now.
People you didn't necessarily choose because you can't
make people be in your life. Your parents,
your spouse, your children, your friends, your colleagues.
And just think to yourself
Allah
has brought this person into my life.
He has brought this person into my life.
He has brought barakah with this person.
What is the barakah of this person?
What blessing do I get from Allah
via this person?
Is this a person who is our comfort
to you?
Is it a person
who provides for you?
A person who has given you children?
A person who keeps you safe, makes you
feel safe? A person who tells you that
you look nice?
A person who cooks you your favorite meal?
Insha Allah,
for many of us, I'll say for most
of us,
our spouse is one of those people.
So, if you don't take anything
except this from this session,
please
wake up to the barakah of your wife
and your husband.
Because one of the biggest issues that we're
facing today
is that we're not grateful
and it's not enough.
We are tired of this person,
tired of dealing with this person,
sick and tired of it. You know that
a b c d that he always does?
I'm done.
I'm done. I don't want to deal with
it anymore.
Sure brothers feel the same way sometimes.
But one of the things that we need
to realize,
and I actually have a list here, I
have a list, and I am gonna share
the the list with you,
but when we hear
people nowadays, and I wanna say especially sisters
or women, because women talk more than men,
right? Would we agree with that? Yeah. Women
are much more open. If they're not happy
in a situation, they're gonna talk about it.
Men, not so much. They're gonna keep it
in and then do what they need to
do. But women, we talk.
So you can hear
the issues that are coming up. Now as
a disclaimer,
I'm not talking about situations
of outright
abuse,
Okay? On either side.
I'm not talking about relationships that are destroying
people. Okay? Please let's be clear.
Women can destroy men,
and men can destroy women, because human beings
have that ability. So I'm not talking about
relationships that are destroying the people inside.
I'm actually talking about
your average relationship.
I can hear some of the younger people
saying, average?
Who wants an average relationship?
I want a fantastic
relationship.
I want an amazing relationship, a wonderful relationship.
That's what I want.
Do you know one of the biggest issues
that is affecting the ummah today?
Our expectations
of our marriages.
Because everybody wants
the above average, the wonderful, the amazing, the
Instagram worthy relationship.
I see the sisters smiling because they know
what I'm talking about.
It's okay
to be average.
It's okay to be okay.
It's okay for your husband
to be okay.
It's good for your wife to be okay.
The fact is most of us are average,
right? That's how averages work. Averages are the
ones in the middle.
But I will fight for
every couple
that is okay.
And I will tell you if you're okay,
fight for that.
Fight for that. Protect that.
Advocate for that
and be grateful for that.
Don't look at your okay relationship. What do
I mean by okay?
It's peaceful, you know, you get along, you're
friends,
you know, you have good times, you have
bad times, you agree on some things, you
disagree on other things, normal relationships,
right?
Fight for
that. Because that's normal.
And we've forgotten what normal is.
People think that if their relationship is normal,
it's not okay. Somehow, it's deficient.
Does anyone come from a household that had
a perfect relationship? Did anyone's parents have a
perfect relationship?
Has anyone
even seen a perfect relationship in their lives?
For real?
Forget about social media.
Forget about Instagram.
It's lies.
It's a highlight reel at best.
It's literally clips
and acted
and scripted, and it is not real.
Don't pay attention and I know it's a
big ask
but really, and I'm gonna say this to
whoever feels that their heart is inclined to
this type of content, I'm not gonna say
call any names,
but whoever feels
that their heart is inclined to this type
of content, on Instagram, on TikTok,
please stop.
Please
stop
consuming
the lies.
Because that's what it is.
It's not real life.
Real life,
if you wanna know real life
and normal relationships
and healthy relationships,
go back to the Sira.
Look at
our Prophet sallallahu
alaihi wasallam.
Was his relationship with his wives perfect?
Did they disagree?
Did they argue?
Did people act out of pocket?
Yes.
He was displeased with them,
they were displeased with him,
because we are human beings, and that's how
it works.
And it's beautiful.
We've been groomed
to aim for this picture perfect scenario.
The picture
is just a smokescreen, it doesn't exist.
One of the expectations that we have, or
one of the reasons why we're so unhappy
is because our expectations are here,
and our reality is here.
And how it works in life, in everything,
the gap between your expectations
and your reality
is where frustration
lies.
That's where we get frustrated. Right? So if
you start a new job, and you have
an expectation that the job is going to
be whatever it is that you think, and
you go in, and it's more like here,
you start to feel dissatisfied. Right? You start
to feel frustrated. It's normal.
It's a very simple cure for us.
What should we do?
What do you think I'm going to advocate
for?
What do you think?
Yes. Uncle has all the answers, masha'Allah.
Lower
your expectations.
In line with the deen,
in line with the seerah, in line with
the sunnah.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala never promised us that
we would never face trials. In fact, this
dunya is a place of test and examination.
And your wife will be a trial for
you, and your husband may be a trial
for you, not all the time insha'Allah,
but sometimes.
It's like those children that we love so
much that we would die for.
Do they not give us a hard time?
Not all the time, hopefully,
but sometimes.
So what I'm calling for,
for us muslims to have a more grounded,
realistic
expectation
of our marriages.
And when you have good,
please,
don't take it for granted.
Be grateful for it.
Be grateful for it, celebrate it, thank your
spouse.
Make dua to Allah for Allah to increase
them,
for Allah to increase you.
Make your home
a place of solace.
One of the things that I have on
this list here,
that I've noticed over time, and this is
especially I think with
more recently,
we've completely forgotten
what an Islamic marriage is all about.
Seriously.
People think the marriage is the wedding.
How much did you spend on your weddings?
How much do you guys spend on weddings
around here?
What's the
average in the area?
$5? $5?
$10, anyone?
Anyone $10? Nobody wants to say. Up higher?
10, 20?
Higher? 30?
50?
Okay, okay, now we're talking, alright, so now
people are nodding, nobody wanted to say it,
but Alhamdulillah.
So the wedding,
40 grand, 50 grand,
outfits
from India and Pakistan,
the bridesmaids
and the flowers and the food and the
what's going to happen, who's going to be
there and 300 family members,
love it. Love it for you. Great.
The pictures,
of course.
The Instagram, the reels, all of that? Great.
The video afterwards, you know, with all this
editing and everything? Great, fantastic.
Where you're gonna live? Has to be nice.
How does he treat you? Has to be
nice.
Did he propose?
Did he give you a ring? Did he
go down on one knee? Did you film
it?
Did he take you to the seaside and
have his friends come in secret and then
go down on one knee and propose and
they capture it on film and then you
put it on Instagram and everyone says, sis,
masha'Allah, you're so lucky.
Does he do the washing every day and
you film him
and you show everybody, masha'Allah, my husband?
Your wife, does she hit you over the
head and you film it and you put
it on and you see I'm such a
patient man, I'm such a patient husband?
It's all nonsense.
We're laughing
but it's all nonsense.
This is the dunya that we talk about.
The dunya that is sweet and green but
is just an illusion.
Why did Allah Subhana Wa Ta'la
legislate marriage?
Why did He create us in pairs?
To provide comfort for one another
and ultimately
on our journey back to Allah
to get to Jannah, insha Allah.
Let's go to basics.
Why do you have a husband? Why do
you have a wife?
Lots of other things, but ultimately
this is your partner insha'Allah
to make your way back to Allah and
to get to Jannah insha'Allah.
How many of us
can honestly say
that we renew our intention
within our marriage?
When you cook for your husband,
do you get reward? Yes or no?
Okay, what do the men say?
They say yes. What do the ladies say?
Some yes, okay, okay, we can agree, Alhamdulillah.
If I cook for my husband,
this is an act, Allah is pleased with
it. If I make my intention,
I'm adding to my scale of good deeds.
When you buy the groceries
for the household,
do you get reward for that?
Do they get reward for that if they
buy the groceries?
Because you're doing what Allah Subhana Wa Ta'la
has told you, to provide for your family.
We could
write a list
as long as this table,
if not longer,
of all the things
that spouses do for each other
that could earn them reward if they had
the right intention.
And that's
why I'm going back to my initial message.
Be grateful
and make it count.
If you're going to be married to this
man, you better make it count.
If you're gonna be married to this woman,
make it count.
Be sincere.
Do whatever you do for the sake of
Allah.
This person is on loan.
You do not know when Allah is gonna
take them back. You don't know.
That's the fact of it. You don't know.
And the thing is, it's a human thing.
We get tired
when the other person is not appreciative, we
feel resentful, right? We get frustrated when she
doesn't understand or he doesn't appreciate, I get
it. But that's why we have reminders
to come back, come back,
come back to why you should be doing
it in the first place.
There are things we can tolerate for the
sake of Allah,
and we do.
That's how
marriages
last.
That's the truth of it. Because
the couple decide to tolerate each other.
I know it's not very romantic sounding,
doesn't sound very fun, but it's true.
Some of us,
our parents are a little bit problematic.
I'm not gonna ask you to raise your
hands, but some of us, our parents can
be a little bit difficult, can be a
bit challenging.
The reason we still have a relationship with
them
is because what?
You tolerated them,
you made excuses for them, you didn't give
them a hard time on everything,
you tolerated them because you wanted to give
them their hug,
treat them the way you would like your
kids to treat you.
So what I'm saying is,
2 people in a marriage,
it's not going to be a bed of
roses. In fact, it will be a bed
of roses actually, because the bed of roses
is beautiful,
and it smells sweet, but it has
it has
thorns, right? So marriage in a way is
a bed of roses.
We accept it
as such.
And we are realistic
with what we expect.
A bed of roses is never going to
be smooth because it has a stem and
it has thorns and that's how Allah created
it. So if we take that metaphor of
the bed of roses and we accept that
I love the smell of this bed,
I love the look of this bed, the
petals are beautiful, but I know that laying
in this bed means that I'm going to
have to tolerate certain things,
and I'm Okay with that.
For whose sake?
For the sake of Allah.
Because ultimately,
everyone in your life
is an opportunity for you
to pave your way to Jannah.
Your children, your spouse, your parents, your sisters,
your brothers, your colleagues,
they are all an opportunity for you to
earn Allah's pleasure.
How different would we behave
if we looked at our spouse in that
way?
Allah has blessed me with you,
and you're an opportunity for me to earn
Allah's pleasure.
How would our behavior change?
How would our attitude
change? How would our actions change?
Every one of you knows the answer.
If you sit and you think to yourself,
you know the answer.
So I hope that inshallah our time together
here will not be you listening to me
going on and then you go home and
forget everything I said.
Because I'm not here
to speak. I'm not a speaker in that
way.
I would like
you
to hear what I'm saying and take what
you know you need
to make a difference back home,
whether it's now
or in the future, insha'allah, in your relationship.
Because the people who are able to stay
together, again, I go back to this, they
know their intention,
they know their ultimate goal,
and they're prepared to tolerate the other person
for the sake of Allah.
And please
don't listen to people online
who tell you
the stuff that they tell you. Okay?
Most of it is not helpful to us
as Muslims.
When I hear people talking about marriage,
there's always a sprinkling.
Sprinkling of Hollywood,
sprinkling of Bollywood,
sprinkling of toxic traits,
sprinkling of,
narcissism,
sprinkling of this and sprinkling of that, right?
We're very good
at using those words to describe our situation
because if you go on Instagram, there's people
there telling you all the time, if he
does this, that's a red flag.
If she does this, that's a red flag.
If your wife x y z, this is
toxic x y z.
If he does this, he's a narcissist, he
has narcissistic
disorder.
These things most of the time, to be
honest, are not helpful to us.
We are muslims.
We have a road map.
We have
a road map.
And that road map applies to us as
individuals
and as units.
So the unit could be the spousal unit,
the husband and the wife.
The family that includes the children,
the extended family, the clan, the community.
The deen gives us a road map in
all of those situations.
But
the road map doesn't work if we as
individuals are not following our own road map.
It's very clear,
the behavior that is expected of a Muslim.
We have taqwa,
we fear Allah
in what we say, in what we do,
in how we think about people, how we
think about things.
We are honest,
we are trustworthy,
we are generous, we are kind, we are
respectful,
yes?
The adab of the muslim is very clear.
Why is it
that when it comes to our marriages,
we seem to forget.
We seem to forget.
You'll see people
act outside
the most beautiful way, they are humble,
And yet we expect our family to thrive,
we expect the roadmap to make sense,
it makes sense
if every one of us is following
Qala Allah Waqala Rasool.
What Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala expects of us.
Because nobody has an excuse just because it's
your wife
you can behave
x y z, or because it's your husband
you can get away with a b c.
No.
We're muslims.
And all of the things that we
give to others, strangers,
want for your brother what you want for
yourself, for example.
If we truly believed,
if we truly put these into practice,
Muslim marriages would be the most beautiful example
of how human beings
can create
a home together.
Why? Because we have the example,
we have the road map, we have all
the rules,
but we forget.
So that's why
we get to come to sessions like this.
And I get to say to you please,
sisters,
brothers,
wake up.
Take responsibility.
Cause that's another thing that we are not
doing.
Everyone wants to blame the other person.
In our homes
and especially online.
It's the brothers' fault.
It's the sisters' fault.
The brothers are to this, the sisters are
to that. And you've got this war happening
between the men and the women of this
ummah.
So I ask a question.
If the men and the women of the
ummah
are at war,
how can our families thrive?
How can our families thrive?
How can we have happy peaceful marriages?
That's why I say,
if your heart inclines to that type of
content,
my brother,
my sister,
my advice to you is to shut it
off.
Because it's not helping, it's not helpful,
it is not helping you.
We have been given the road map and
if we apply it
in our homes,
in ourselves as husbands, as wives,
that is where we will find the sakinah.
That is when we become garments for each
other insha'Allah.
And every one of you who is married,
how many are not married in this room,
actually, who is not married?
Okay, mashallah. So everyone else is married, alhamdulillah.
So those of you who are not married,
yet,
may Allah bless you with a spouse
that enables you to bring about the very
best of your character
and allows you to make your way to
Jannah, Aameen, Aameen, You Rabb.
Please,
learn from our mistakes.
Are there young girls in here, young boys?
I think I saw a few.
Sisters and brothers,
who has a child
over 10 years old? Who has children over
10?
Okay, this is wonderful.
I'm going to ask you to do me
a special favor.
We've had a conversation about your own marriages,
I pray that was beneficial, I hope there
was something in it for you, but I
want you to do this,
think about
your 10,
12,
15, 17 year old children
and ask yourself,
am I raising
husband material?
Am I raising
wife material?
It's a very
difficult question to answer
because sometimes
you look at the way you're raising your
son
and you realize I would never
marry him to anyone
because I haven't raised him that way, yes?
Sometimes, let's be honest, you look at your
daughter and you think which man is going
to tolerate this girl?
Ain't nobody, ain't no way.
We are responsible.
Society
does not teach us how to be husbands
and wives.
It teaches us how to be in relationships.
It teaches us how to be in situationships.
It does not teach us how to be
husbands
or wives.
That's why we have no clue.
That's why when the young brother and the
young sister sit down together,
and the brother says, so
what are your expectations
of a husband?
She has a long list, right?
She knows all the things.
He has to pay, he has to provide,
he has to protect, I want a car,
I want 50,000 mahar, whatever the case is,
she has a long list and he's like
okay, okay.
So what are your responsibilities?
I wanna be a mom one day after
I finish my studies.
Anything else?
Like, you get me.
What more do you want?
And he asks her about cooking. Oh my
god, I hate cooking.
Hate cooking, really really do. My mom does
all the cooking at home.
Okay, what about looking after our house?
I thought we could get someone in for
that, like, I'm gonna be working, you're gonna
be working, and then, you know, it will
work out.
And the young man realizes
this young lady doesn't really know what it
means to be a wife.
She wants to be in a relationship,
she wants the proposal, and the ring, and
the wedding, and to have a man in
her life,
but to be a wife
is different.
Any wives in here married for more than
10 years?
These are the ones we need to be
learning from.
Any husband's been husbands for more than 10
years,
these are the men we need to be
learning from.
Because if you've managed
to make a marriage last, insha'Allah, in a
good way, for 10 years,
you've learned some skills.
You've learned some skills,
okay?
You have
some characteristics
that others don't have.
Whether it's
patience,
wisdom,
taking care of your responsibilities,
making excuses for the person,
how to look after someone,
how to support someone,
how to be a soft place to land,
how to be strong and protect somebody.
These are things that our children need to
learn from us,
because they're not going to learn it out
there.
They can learn game,
but the boys can go and they can
learn game. Alright? They can go out there,
they can learn how to chirps and do
all of that stuff.
That's not a husband.
That's not what a husband does.
A husband is built from something else. It's
like a wife.
She can learn how to do her makeup,
you know, how to do all the contouring,
how to have the hijab styles, you know,
how to put outfits together. Great!
She can look beautiful.
But that's not a wife.
So we,
as a community,
in fact I'm going to, insha'Allah, invite, when
when I speak to Sheikh Yasar, I'm gonna
speak to him and say, can you have
some workshops for your youth
on what is it to be a husband,
what is it to be a wife?
How can you build husbandly qualities in yourself?
How can you build wifely qualities?
Right? Because these are skills that we need
to learn.
And if we can do that insha'Allah,
then the next generation has a chance. But
I don't think that all is lost
because
I believe
that there are enough of us
who want Jannah
and who want
to be successful
in the roles that Allah has given us
to play.
There are enough of us
to save
our marriages.
If Allah has given you the role of
husband,
do you not want to be a successful
husband?
If He's given you the role of wife,
do you not want to be a successful
wife in the eyes of Allah?
If you're a mother or a father,
do you not want to be able at
the end of your life
to say you know what, I put in
the work.
SubhanAllah.
On one of the podcasts
that I did with, one of the brothers
in the UK,
we were talking about,
the difference between
relationships that you see out in the media
and marriage.
And we're talking about how
a marriage is something that you build
together.
Right? You build it.
And any marriage
that lasts more than 5 years,
they will have had ups and downs, am
I right? Right? There'll be ups and downs,
It's not gonna be smooth sailing.
But if you don't give up
Okay. Let me start here.
If you have the basic
building blocks, meaning
you are fairly well matched,
you're fairly good friends
and you want the same thing
and you don't give up,
then what happens
at the end of your life?
Insha'Allah.
Allah will bless you with children.
Those children will grow up with the 2
of you,
they will see an example
of 2 people who prioritized
what they were building
over their own nafs.
So it's not me versus you.
It's us and this institution,
this aila that we're building, this family that
we're building.
I make decisions,
best interest of the family. You make decisions,
best interest of the family. I sacrifice
not for you per se, for the family.
Because I know that's what's required.
Because sometimes family requires a sacrifice
and that's okay.
Nowadays, nobody wants to sacrifice.
If you are even any period of time
on Instagram, you will see those little,
notices
that tell you it has to be good
for you.
Oh, you deserve the world.
If it's not if it's not working for
me, then I let it go. You've seen
these types of things that people say?
That's the toxicity.
Because no family can survive without sacrifice.
Because life isn't like that.
You don't get to live life on your
own terms.
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala decides
the parameters of your situation
and the test that you go through.
And if
you decide to bail
at the sign of the first test,
guess what happens?
Divorce?
Then you're out in the wilderness.
Has anybody been divorced in this room and
tried to look for someone else?
Yeah? Okay. Not many, so this is great.
It's a green audience, fantastic.
I'm here to tell
you, when you have been divorced once or
twice
and you're trying to find someone else,
it is the Wild West out there.
It's the Wild West.
So please
don't ever make the mistake of thinking that
the grass is greener on the other side
of your divorce.
Often it isn't,
and it's very very difficult, and it's lonely
and it's hard.
So,
that couple
that prioritize
their family and are prepared to sacrifice
and invest
and work for their family,
5, 10, 20 years down the line, Insha'Allah
they have children,
those children grow up,
Insha'Allah those children go on to marry and
have children of their own,
and when it's Eid,
where do they come?
Back to
mom and baba,
with the grandchildren
and the in laws.
And when you look back
at your 30 years,
40 years of marriage,
you will know that there were some hard
times,
maybe there were some hard years,
but you stuck with it and now
the 2 of you can enjoy the fruits
of
your labour
because this life
ultimately
we're here to do a job.
If Allah gives us children,
that's the assignment.
Raise these children well,
give them the very best start,
give them the tarbia so that they can
do the same for their children.
Our job is not different
to a generation ago,
to 5 generations,
10 generations ago, it's the same.
So if,
to recap,
if we can go back to basics,
go back to
what this is all about,
what we're doing this for,
who we are doing this for,
go back to gratitude.
Have your expectations
realistic.
Be prepared to tolerate
the mistakes of the other how you would
want them to tolerate your mistakes
and let us be Muslims in our marriages.
Treat your wife as a Muslim should, treat
your husband
as a Muslim should
and ask for Allah's Baraka.
As I said at the beginning of this,
if Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala has blessed you
with someone to share your life with,
this is a niyamah indeed
and I'm happy for you.
Even if you don't like your husband right
now, I'm still happy for you because he's
probably been through a time where he didn't
like you very much, but he's still here,
and that's what we do.
We make excuses, we tolerate each other,
we give each other grace, we forgive each
other, we say sorry,
and we keep it moving.
So may Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala put Barakah
in all of our marriages,
may he allow us to be garments for
each other in the very best way, may
he allow our fights to be short lived
and our forgiveness to be sweet, and may
we work together
supporting each other on this road to Jannah
Aameen You Rabb. Jazakamalaykiram
for your time.
I pray that there was some benefit in
it for you Insha'Allah.