Naima B. Robert – The Art of Marriage Umm Talha
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AI: Transcript ©
Bismillah wa salatu salam ala Rasulillah Salam o alaikum and
Welcome to Session Three of our sharing the secrets of successful
Muslim wives. Our teacher in this session is none other than on tell
her of marital arts and she is going to be sharing with us the
art of marriage. I just would like to welcome you firstly on our own
but how thank you so much for being here. It was great to meet
you yesterday in our virtual salon discussion and we really looking
forward to learning from you today. I would also like to
welcome our VIPs in the VIP room. They are our virtual salon patrons
shout out to the patrons your continued support every month
helps us do what we are doing now Masha Allah, and I'd like to
welcome all the attendees who bought tickets and are in the
Facebook group ready I hope with pens, paper, tablet, whatever it
is that you need to take notes, and hopefully a bottle of water on
the side as well in Sharla on top hat, take it away Bismillah R
Rahman lokalen hamdu lillah wa salatu salam ala Rasulillah while
he was a human why now? Melinda Mayan fauna and finally, man
LANTERNA rubbish really? So three? Will you still agree with me,
sonny? You're hopefully
Slyke begin with the question for all who ask themselves. When we
look at marriage, every single person has reasons for getting
married, wanting married, for being married. But whenever I
deliver my art of marriage workshop, the first session we
open the workshop with is why married meaning What is your
reason for being married? Because sometime as we progress into
marital life, we forget the reason for which we got married. If I can
ask you all to think
of the reasons why you married in the first place to kind of help
you. I'll share some of the answers that are usually from
workshop. People usually say they want to have a partner for, you
know, travel, they want to have a person to share their life with.
They want to have somebody who they can
fulfill themselves, actually, you know, like have a hello boyfriend,
we've had that answer as well. Somebody who they want to go
traveling with somebody who they want to start their family life
with somebody who they want to, you know, grow stronger in faith,
who can help them spiritually. These are some of the reasons that
people usually give when I do my art of marriage workshop, if you
can jot your reasons for being married, why did you get married?
What was your reason? Of course, we know in the Sharia, there are
so many virtues and benefits and advantages of marriage for
example, the Rasul Allah and he encouraged marriage because he,
he, he said, one of the ways to keep ourselves chaste, because
the human being they have urges when they get to a certain age.
And marriage is one of the ways of keeping ourselves chaste. So if
you have any sexual desire, you can fulfill it in the
relationship of marriage. Also, we know that, to wait to start a
family life. So through marriage, you can have children. And when
you have children, it's one of the ways of leaving behind legacy. Do
you know the Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu said that when a person
dies, all his deeds component, except for three things. So the
other is you can use the knowledge that you teach is a benefit to
other people. And when you have a child who is righteous, that you
leave behind him next door for you, through marriage, we have an
opportunity to have our own family, our own children. Also,
other things, like completing our faith. It's a way to follow the
Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
It's a way to attain blissful, you know, life, meaning through
marriage, you can have so many doors that open by which you can
attain a sense of tranquility, companionship, you know, peaceful
home, and so on and so forth. If I can ask you who your reason for
getting married or wanting to get married, and so that you can look
at your motivation who make your marriage work. Why do I say this?
You see, anything that is of success, whether it's your career,
you
your education, your business, whatever you take
it, you flourish for it to be successful. You have to have the
commitment in the first place to make it successful, you can't go
out when things go wrong, or you can't beat it up when things are
tough, you have to hold in there. Just think about
a business person, a businessman, he has invested some money and he
wants to see profits. So what's he going to do? He's going to put in
the effort can be committed, he's going to work he's, you know, what
can I say socks off. Why? Because he wants to see return. He wants
to see it. He wants to see a success. He wants his business to
do well. But I think about your marriage slide that you want your
marriage to be successful. So that means you have to be committed.
Commitment comes from motivation, what was your motivation behind
your marriage, your reason behind why you got married in the first
place that needs to be reviewed. Why? Because that will act your
minimum level, it will help you navigate through the journey of
marital life. Also twill give you a strong reason to stay in there
and work your way through in sha Allah. Oh, this is number one
thing Mittman is very important. Every so often, we have to review
our commitment levels especially when things are going off, we have
to review Achmed. And why did he get married in the first place? Is
it together is it to have a companion is it to you know, build
a family life together is it to have a motto and you know, who I
can travel with Whatever your reasons are, the more reasons you
have the tighter or the stronger the commitment level, this is
something that I have to reiterate again and again, one has to be
committed to make your marriage work. So that
foundation strong, so when trouble happens and believe in me, all
marriages will have a share of troubles. Phil has one marriage
would have been probably would have been the marriage of the
Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam and the Omaha mini but even then, even
there, we see we had shoes, they had balloons where they had
discussed and it was very public because I was teaching us how to
resolve
choose that one has within marriage. So
I'll go into problems Inshallah, which we will look at later on.
But you have to remember that marriage, Allah azza wa jal when
he describes the relationship between husband and wife in the
Quran, he talks about toughening between husband and wife the cake
is like Meetha, another lever, that is a strong covenant. Why?
Because this is a covenant that requires a lot of Mittman a lot of
seriousness, just like he described the covenant between the
messengers there are five famous messengers who are given the task
to live with the message. And when Allah as we describe the covenant
that he took was same. Elisa, that Rahim la salaam, no Hello, salam,
Musa alayhis salam, Isa Ali Salam and Muhammad sallallahu alayhi
salam had a mission. And that mission was to obligate La Ilaha
illa Allah, they could not come back. They had their share of
troubles. So think about it. When Allah mentioned the marital
covenant, he used the word, mythical, really the same as when
he described the covenant of the messengers when they were sent
upon this Earth to propagate his message. They were given strong
covenant and that was described as mythical leader that just shows
how important is for one to be committed to marriage.
Work for it be successful. Of course, there are going to be
challenges and with all things in life, that is of meaning, you
know, to us, we know that we will be challenges. So that's the first
thing that I want to mention. Secondly, I want to mention that
when you look at these institution of marriage, one of the things
that we find is that the very first relationship Leatherwood
established the heavens on the earth is that of husband and wife,
Allah azza wa jal created the Malay Salam and Adam
Ali Salam was the first human being to be created heavens, was
by himself there was no other human beings except himself. He
felt lonely. So Allah created, however from his left rib. Why? So
that he doesn't feel this sense of loneliness has a companion, but
Allah azza wa jal Fave Adam and Eve salaam Hawa that Subhan Allah
scholars they mentioned how the status of such relationship in the
sight of Allah azza wa jal that he established the relation between
husband and wife first in the heavens, as you know the story,
what happened when babies came, he tried to lure them and then they
were expelled from Jana on
here you can see that very first relationship to be established in
humanity was that of husband and wife shows a great status of this
relationship of married couples.
So, nature of such relationship is that you fulfill each other, who
give each other a sense of belonging. And as you know, every
human being, we have this need to be one be with someone, which is
just the way Allah has created us want to be with someone needing to
be with someone aspect of companionship. Hanalei you may
not, you know appreciate, you know the importance of being together
with another person, like your husband, or the benefits of
companionship and feel you based, you know, lonely. Now, there's
this little incident that happened. Usually when we go to
family retreat, I would go with my husband and we would cover
together
1017 I struggled with my son, my husband was in there he
hid behind there was this moment where I just stood with a cannula
you know, and just how it must be you know, like, he's not around or
if he you know, say, you know, he passes away or he's not with me
when he moves usually have a tee time together. So we are checking
into the you know, room and there's cattle and there's
scarce, you know, there's shortbread biscuits, and I'm
thinking to myself, who's gonna have tea with because usually with
tea comes chat, and then you do at the same time, my son doesn't
really like tea. At the moment, I realized panela some time, it's a
little thing that you do, that you often missed if you make it into
ritual. So here you can see that his sense of belonging that you
have when you have a spouse, that idea that Allah talk about in the
Quran, where Allah azza wa jal, he says in Surah, Rome, that from
among his side is that, you know, he made spouse among themselves
widely, you know, lay her so that they can well in tranquillity, and
he mentioned something really beautiful with Albania Kuma with
Tamara Hama, between them, my word my word there is love, which is
expressed from the word will do with the name of Allah azza wa
jal, will do with his most loving and mercy Rama, he has placed
between the two couples. But of course, these are the things that
bind the couples together. And the whole idea is that marriage
creates that sense of belonging and companionship. That's the
number two thing that, you know, in marriage, there has to be a
level of companionship together so that you come together there is
time for the otherness. Thirdly, there's going to be a situation
times where you will disagree, you will have arguments you will have
speech, you will not see eye to eye. That's okay. Why because any
person, anyone that you live with, bound to have disagreements, he's
just one of those things in life. And mothers have disagreements
with their daughters, siblings have disagreements. Similarly,
husband and wife you have disagreements. And it's not the
end of the world that you have disagreements, because all close
relationships they have arguments with understanding agreements. But
the point is, how you deal with these disagreements
how you carry yourself through this disagreement? And what ways
you look to resolving this, to be honest, that is the testimony of
your marriage and how successful it is each of
the three things I want you to bear in mind, Inshallah, we will
try to come back. And during the course of the session, I want to
ask you for your question that maybe you can note down, so that
you can ask yourself, because a lot of what I would like to
encourage is self reflection. So that there is a change in mindset,
there is introspection, so that we are thinking critically about
ourselves, because the only one that we have full control over
change is ourselves. And it's wonderful. Why because when you
change something within yourself, then you're actually creating a
ripple effect, how is that you may change the way you respond to
some, your marriage, but that change will create, now the change
because you have changed your response, that change will create
another change, because that response will create a reaction
from the other person, the other person will be a combat because
obviously, you've changed your way for that change will affect
another change. See, I'm a strong believer in behavior breeding
behavior, when you behave in a certain way,
then that behavior creates a change in the behaviors of other
people. So it's very important that we look at yourself in the
way we are, and how we try to go into the marriage. Inshallah don't
beat the session as like, if one of those sessions that will be
here, how to be a good wife and what have you know, but rather
look at, okay, you know, what, I'm going to try to take control over
the marital life that I'm leading, because remember, marriage is
about people, you are one person and your husband is the other.
Often I hear sisters, they say,
this has to do that is to change. Yes, I agree. However,
the can't really control him or you can't really change him, what
you can control what you can change yourself, change the way
you cope with change the way you behave, change the way you
respond, case, the way you react to what's happening in your
marriage. So the change has to begin within first, then you will
see inshallah there will be ripple effect. So,
when we look at marriage, there is things for a woman to do, there
are things for men to do. So, when we look at the things that women
must do, or should do, then that's where we can actually create a
change. Because when we look at the expectation that Allah, you
know, for the man and the woman, we have to look at it like this,
like a job description where Allah azza wa jal is like a woman, you
know, how does he describe a righteous woman in the Quran? It
says, solely had money that will have you Lord, the words that he
mentioned with regards to a woman who is righteous, who's a
righteous wife, equality, as you mentioned, okay, so I'm going to
focus on these things. Why? Because I am loyal to my
servitude. Eliza was the first and foremost yesterday's conversation
we were having identity how if we know who Allah is, then we are
able to know who we are. If we know who we are, we are able to
fulfill the rights that we have in our life. So with regards to the
rights of our spouse, again, he's teaching us Allah azza wa jal is
teaching that in the Quran in surah Nisa, Allah azza wa jal
mentions the qualities of Salah had well upon you that will have
you that three qualities of a righteous wife, that's from Allah
azza wa jal, the One who created us. So let me focus on these three
words what they mean to me. What they, you know,
how can I embody those three qualities that are laser
mentioned? Allah is mentioning because I want to be the best in
all my relationships, particularly in a relationship as a spouse.
I want to be the person
uncommon for my spouse. But what does it mean? Soil Health? For
here Lazarus really is number one mentioning how she is righteous.
So, these spiritually connect to her Lord, and will you neck, Allah
azza wa jal, you realize your servitude belongs to Him and Him
alone. So you will do what he wants you to do when you become a
servant of God, then you realize that your happiness, your
contentment lies in his obedient. So, Allah would ask you to do
certain things you will quit because you are in service to your
Creator. Allah has already mentioned in the Quran, that
Yohannes or obudu, rubber, comb all mankind, worship your Lord,
why let the Holocaust come because He created you. So, when we look
at marriage like this, everything that we are doing for our spouse
or everything that we are doing in the marriage, is in service to our
Creator is to seek the face of Eliza seek pleasurable, lesser
known it becomes easy for us to cope from pressures that comes
away, or becoming intentional coming, mindful of why we do
certain things, because it's very important for us to be mindful of
the actions that we engage in even even things like intimacy,
especially
when it when it is at a time where you're really really tired and
exhausted. And you're thinking okay, is approaching me at a point
in time when you look at eighth, okay? And his Halal means so you
start to read, connect yourself higher purpose, and that is
fulfilling his right, that Allah has given him. You also think you
know what this action is not just one of physical pleasure. It's one
that is tied to spirituality as well. Remember the Hadith of the
Prophet sallallahu lism, I'm going to just quickly marry Allah. This
hadith is very interesting. Once what happened, a brother or their
loved one, he reported that some of the companion
were poor, they they complained to the province or something they
said all the rich companions beaten us to it, a pray a fast,
they sadaqa a full four components, they can't give sadaqa
because they don't have any money. The Prophet salallahu alayhi salam
what he did, he gave them a way out and he said, has a law not
prescribed for you, of course by following which you can also do
like meaning when you do your
kill your spear, the cheese like sadaqa then what happened? Which
companions are heard that the prompts are
called to do so they started doing because though that complaint is a
complaint again, they said you know what, they are now starting
to do the vicar as well. So they are facing fasting give us for the
candidate as well. What to do so the professor lesson he said to
them, that when you put you live, you fulfill yourself sexually,
that there is for the confines but astonished, said you're Rasulillah
we go to our wives we fulfill ourselves sexually, in that there
is parity. We're blown away. The brothers are some said yes. If you
were to go to a haram means you would be punished, you'd be
thankful.
And of course they understood the process and because you went to
your Halal mean, and you fulfill yourself that there is for DACA
think about yourself at a moment where
you're tired, you're exhausted, you're thinking okay,
I'm trying to fulfill his rights. And then you think in America is
what in essence what is charity charity is giving the one who is
in need. apply that same concept in that moment where your spouse
wants certain things, because in need of that you are fulfilling
him.
Actually a point in time, this is clarity from yourself.
panela interestingly, sometime, when you meet act for the sake of
Allah because maybe you're tired and exhausted, somehow Allah gives
you that
bility perform or to hawk so that you are not, you know,
over exhausted, like gives you because Allah has your back. So
again, trying to tie everything, so that there is a bigger purpose
in mind, that's something that I would like just to bear in mind.
Everything that we do, including our marriage has to be the greater
purpose and that is the servitude on Leza that we are His servant,
and we will do right by him. When we do that, you will see Allah
will make away like he says, and like your promises in the Quran.
Why am I Yes, la hija Allah Maharajah whoever is conscious of
Allah azza wa jal, Allah will make aware out for some are here with
regards to the front months that we have. Law will make your way
out. However, we have to also be mindful that all the demands that
we have in our life, we have to create a balance there's balancing
everything and then we we learn from the Sunnah of the Prophet
sallallahu Sallam that he was a prophet of balance and moderation.
Like, you know, the narration that I was mentioning last night, some
manual Pharisee and a Buddha, when he came to visit, how to manifest
He taught his friend about that the look, you Lord has a right
upon you. What he has the right to bring you. Your self has a right
to your story, your family has a right upon you, but give everyone
the right and when the boss and I heard this, he said saw the castle
man. That's one of the key point I find that people miss out in
marital life that when they become married, they consumed themselves.
It has been, you know, house, husband, family, husband, food.
That's one aspect of your life. It's not the aspect of your life,
try to retain your individuality. For example, you are yourself. You
are an albida worshipper of Eliza was a you're a family person to
try to create a balance sometimes I see sisters in the community
with all due respect, you know, their hijab is all over the place
and look in a bit of a steep so when you ask them, how are you?
You know, you decided get it, I had no problem myself. Hard is
difficult. However, you have to have that time and you have to to
yourself, you have to rest well. Well, she's not luxury, this is a
necessity, self care, taking care of yourself. It's an Amana de you
owe to yourself, you are responsible for yourself. We have
to propagate in our community because there's no such thing as
self sacrificing to sacrifice, you don't self sacrifice, there has to
be in marriage. Hi, were you it for yourself, when you refill your
cup, you look after yourself. You eat while you sleep. You have this
mental health and well being. Why because when you to stay in a
position to be a better spouse, not a better spouse. So you have
to
create that time when you rejuvenate. Taking care of
yourself physically, mentally, you know and
spiritually, emotionally, all of these things you have to look
after yourself.
If you don't, nobody else will. So there has to be a time where you
indicate Okay, I need sleep six hours a day or seven hours a day
whatever. I need to eat certain foods you know not eat, eat clean
food and food, halal food
is possible. You see whatever you see as a priority as a Must you
can create the time to do that. So that's one thing. Then you have
spiritual side of yourself like Aveda, you know, as a believing
woman. You can't just say to yourself, I'm just going to pray
no. Remember, this is your fuel to cope with the challenges that
comes your way whether it's marital challenges, parenting
challenges, Pantages with your career challenges with the
business whatever it may be challenges with your data. If you
don't connect with Allah azza wa jal, you will find that you are
not strong enough to cope with different challenges that are
coming your way. Because this is like your you have your phone that
you charge regularly.
Connecting to Allah azza wa jal is your recharge. You need to have
that regularly. It's
not something that you just quickly do. No. You take your time
in doing. So you say, well, your Salah, well, these are the things
that makes a huge difference because you connect to Salah and
then you have refocus in your marital life you realize, okay,
why am I doing this four? Okay? This is the reason why I'm doing
four, because your sense of consciousness has increased. Why
because you have been powered by Sora. This is something that is
easy to mount to bliss to have constant connection with Allah
azza wa jal. Why because when you have that constant connection with
Allah azza wa jal
come mindful of how you behave in your marital life, how you react
to situations and how you respond to problems. Why because you are
conscious of Allah azza wa jal, I don't mean that just you know,
on a superficial level, on a deeper level, you realize you
watched, so you're not to just say anything, you're going to be
mindful, you're going to think before you speak. Why? Because you
know, you are being watched by Alexa, did you have that sense of
consciousness or Allah is that just like, Ramadan people have
heightened sense of awareness of Allah azza wa jal, because they're
fasting. They're connecting with a lesser region, being during the
nighttime fasting, you the daytime and the reciting the Quran,
they're on high level, therefore, the behavior is somewhat
self govern. Why because they have that connection with a laser,
which I think about if you continue to retain that
connection, than the women you deal with the creation of a laser
which will be protected to be impacted. That is for a believer,
woman, one key aspect of art of marriage to be connected to Allah
azza wa jal. I know one of the chef's was saying that, you know,
marriage, like a love triangle, and he described it so beautifully
he said, who you love in
close to Allah azza wa jal, the more the other spouse, you know,
twice did the same thing. The more closer you are to Allah azza wa
jal more closer you become to each other because your common ground
is Eliza. So more you are serving Allah going closer to Allah, the
more you are coming closer to your spouse, the less friends you have
between you and him. Why because your common code your objective is
Allah azza wa jal, but as you're journeying towards him, you are
not just going towards Allah, you're going towards each other as
well as I was quite beautiful Machala and that an extension of
that I would say, one of the ways to kind of create that spiritual
intimacy is you know, pray with your spouse, something that is
usually with your spouse like read with your spouse or share a hadith
with your spouse what you learned today or the days when you attend
their halacha you know, try to share some gems that you have
learned so that there is coming to each other and sharing
gems together so that you can both grow together and not leave each
other behind.
I mean, is there any way that we can ask sisters to their comments
if I wanted to ask a question? That's a neat we've got the
patrons in the VIP room they can hear you they can comment, just
Yeah, tell them what you want them to say they can contribute in the
chat and I could also pay attention I can keep an eye on the
Facebook as well. What would you want? What What would you like?
Okay, so one of the things that I wanted to ask the sisters what
they think that the number one thing that brother once from from
from them
Oh, as in what does your number one thing that your husband wants
from you? Is that correct? Yes, that's right. Okay, ladies, get
those thinking caps on what is the number one thing that your husband
wants from you? And the timer starts now. Tick tock tick tock
tick tock Okay. Answers.
Can you see the clock Are you able to see what people are saying?
Yes, respect support. Okay. Anything else?
How many companion
thing else? Facebook takes a is a couple of seconds delayed. So
So it will take a bit of time for Facebook people to respond. Okay,
I've got peace of mind coming up in Facebook
respecting
complimentary support, very good. respect and support.
Okay, loyalty there as well.
Okay, somebody says to just be happy with everything he does not
complain about anything
going on there peaceful home, pension, they want independence
and personal space. Okay.
Yes, I think all very good suggestions. Mashallah, once we,
the survey and the community a lot of the things that brothers one is
respect. And, of course,
it is a common thing that we hear in our community. But what does
respect look like? Reality? What does it mean respect him? How does
this look on a day to day? You know, life? What does this look
like? What do we mean by respect?
In the context of marriage, I think we've got some here where
they're saying basically to be obedient and trust Him and not
talk back
to not mother him.
What else have I got here?
Yeah, again, the being happy about everything he does. I'm not
complaining. What else do you think respect means? Ladies? What
does respect look like?
For your man?
submission, somebody has said
understand his expectation, respect for himself, okay.
respect his role as the leader in the family and cooperate with him.
Okay.
My game, taking his advice and suggestions. Okay. Well, if we can
just go over those again, on top of that, because then the people
in Facebook will hear what is being said, that you're reading.
So you've got respecting his role as the leader in the family and
cooperating with him, understanding his authority and
allowing him to fail, not an interesting one, not undermining
him, taking his advice and suggestions supporting him in
public, respecting his decisions and his ability to direct the
family or accepting Him for who He is, and showing that you value his
opinions. Somebody else says submission letting him lead. And
in Facebook, I've got trusting his decisions and judgment. Someone
says agree to everything he says
not to patronize another response is to hold them in high regard.
Somebody else says not to know better. Okay, so
it's interesting, because obviously, some time one word has
so many different interpretation. And it has so many different
meanings, you know, as we have seen no.
Feedback with regards to what does it mean, respect? Now, the thing
is,
you have to figure out within your marriage, what it means to him
feel respected.
That's very key in knowing okay, how does he feel respected? What
what does it mean to him to be respected? It will vary from
marriage to marriage for men to men, the key thing is having sense
of respect present in the marriage, why? Because don't
forget, if you have children, they are observing you and your husband
actually taken you guys as a die being husband and wife and
learning from your examples. Whether you like it or not,
whatever you do in your marriage, you actually role modeling for
your children and the future generation. So you have to bear in
mind, the big responsibility because you're not just living
your life and, you know, working things out, you're also role
modeling to your children as well. And that's why often you'd find
others who say, for example, a typical, you know, example I will
give, if they see their fathers, respecting or speaking in a
certain way, the mother will just rip. Why because that's all they
know. That's all these seem to be no more. So they will try to mimic
their father in their marriage, you know, and then continues
unless he knows better than he does.
better. So, same with the sister if she sees her mother, you know,
talking back to being regarding of her father, she would think this
is just normal. So when she comes to a marriage, she may have a
husband who is really respected by his family members, his sisters,
who may, you know, speak to her in an authoritative way, because
that's what he's used to because his female relatives, they regard
him, they respect him, his wife has seen something different, his
wife has seen his mother speaking back, and it's no big deal. And
it's just you know, as usual, so she may, just as her mother has
done, I hope you get the idea. So she will say certainly that
nothing too much of it, she might think, what's the big deal? For
him, it's a big because he's come from a certain background, she's
come from a certain backgrounds together, they have to understand,
Okay, what does it mean, and that would require both of them to have
a discussion and have honest conversation and say, Look, we
need to do this, I feel disrespected, when that is done, I
feel quite humiliated and has to be that conversation. So that both
can understand what it means to the other person to be respected,
or to feel disrespected. So have to work out between themselves,
because expect it varies from family to family, from cultures,
to cultures, you know, in some culture, if you speak to them eye
to eye, that is seen as disrespectful, in other cultures,
if you don't make eye contact, seen as disrespectful, So, hope
you get the idea. As we know, men like to feel respected. And, you
know, women, you know, we also like to be respected in the way we
are, you know, received with regards to our views and opinions
on likes to be respected daily. So, if you foster a culture, a
marriage of respect, and inshallah both of you will benefit from such
quality in the marriage, you have to understand what does it mean?
each other, we respect.
What does respect look like, you know, on a practical level, I'm
just going to go over some of the points and inshallah feel free to,
you know, add your own in your notes, or if you want to share,
you can share as well. So, I have been respectful is allowing him to
express himself without
his views down, or, you know, laughing at, you know, his views.
I'm not saying women all do that, but I'm saying it can happen and
because I'm addressing women, that I'm going to focus on women Sharla
because that's the audience that I'm speaking to. So, you know,
allowing him to express on Sunday mythical
list, you know, suggestion that is making us you can, you know, think
but, but not expressing it because you know what, that time, you
know, he is trying to lead somebody, you're gonna Ricardian
and you think, Oh, my God, you know, he's wrong. Me. Sometimes,
you know, just enjoy the ride, let him take the wrong turning. Why?
Because people, it's just the way they're wired. And they don't like
to be told on me like to be told. But you know, if you know that, if
you try to Mother him or try to, you know, lead him he is
graduating class, leave it, just let him take the wrong way. And,
you know, just enjoy the journey and enjoy the ride. That's one
thing that, you know, you can bear in mind, if you know,
he would not like you to tell him or not everyone has ego, she
everyone has the way things and you know, just stop yourself but
some time. Try not to be too helpful. Why? Because it may make
him feel in a certain way.
honest and frank.
Another thing with regards to respect, if for example, you know,
you're speaking about his family.
Nobody likes to hear bad things about their family.
At the same time, if there's a grievance that you need to
express, you can say, you know, what? certain number of family may
made me feel like this, you can focus on where you're feeling
rather than who's doing what and have you. Why Because don't
forget, at the end of the day, that is his family, and it will
impact him. Like you don't like to hear things about your family
saying it's so nice for him to hear things about his family or
your mother did that your father did this, your sister did this,
rather than looking at who did what focus on. When that was said
to me, I felt a bit, you know,
undervalued or I felt a bit sad or I felt a bit you know, targeted
focus on yourself. So that
Do not seen a blameworthy in attacking his side of the family
because obviously, part of respecting him is respecting his
family.
Another thing is, when, when you are, you know, trying to
with his property, his belonging, try to be mindful that this is
your husband's you know, property, and you are like his guardians or
part of being a, you know, righteous woman is that you are
safeguarding your family's property and that means His
property, like Allah azza wa jal, he says, you know, Sally had on
the third is obedient. And have you thought the one who God's
thoughts hates property, God's herself her chastity. So, these
are the ways that respect, you know, look like, and, of course,
you would have your own way. Now, the thing that often happens, I
know, a lot of sisters who are grown up in this, you know, say,
society and myself included,
some time to ask, you know, permission to do certain things,
or to consult with a spouse could be a big thing, because we may
come from a background where we didn't have, you know, father
figures around who asked, Can I do this? Can I do that we just told
our mothers that, okay, we do this, we do that, when you get
married, it can be very difficult to
ask someone, like a husband, I do this? Or can I do that? Or is it
okay, if I go round here is okay.
But you have to realize that part of courtesy, to inform one another
of your whereabouts, just like you would want to know where he's at,
or when he's gone. Similarly, it's only right, that he knows where
you will, you are, where you're going. And there needs to be that
discussion. So that, you know, it's not like coming as a
surprise. So as, as you live in together, there has to be a
communication of whose whereabouts What are you doing, joining by,
you know, him so that he's aware of what you're up to, and you also
aware of what he's up to as well, this is also part of respect.
Sometimes it could, that he doesn't want to, he doesn't want
you to go somewhere, because of you know, safety reasons, or
whatever. You have to respect that, like, during the pandemic,
you know, some families are very strict with regards to, you know,
social distancing than other families. So, say, for example, if
you're making plans, and you know, he is not happy that you're going
head and, you know, mixing with a, you know, some families because
not the right time to do so, in this situation, you have to be
mindful of what he wants from you. Personally, I was invited a couple
of, you know, weddings this month, and my husband is very thick with
aggressive social distancing. So I thought, in my mind, okay, I'm
going, because obviously, I'm not going to be set on a party.
However, when I mentioned it to him in he was like, No, I don't
think you're going crazy, because it's not safe. And you know, with
social distancing, there could be a second wave and what have you. I
didn't like the decision. However, I know, he means well, you know,
because you have to look at the bigger picture. Why? Because when
sometimes spouse they have, you know, reservation in you bring
something you didn't think about why No, you know, why this rally
should try to look at the bigger picture. The why is he asking you,
well, why does he want me to go? Then try to, you know, resolve the
issue like this and not create unnecessary drama, because, in
hindsight, you know, I understood, he wants me be safe, so that, you
know, I don't put myself in risk. And obviously, with parties and
weddings and stuff like that, you can't really, you can't control
because obviously, there are going to be so many awesome things. But
sometimes, you know, situations like that, if you understand where
they're coming from, and create a conflict, it can create
unnecessary drama and because a lot of problem hold on making. So
these are some of the examples I have given so that we can
understand what does respect look like of course, you have to figure
it out within yourself. That's one. Secondly,
in marriage, there has to be that
what can I say? Channel a way to express
yourself, expressing yourself so that he knows what you desire your
wishes, your needs, and expressing your love, love for him in regard
for him. And when you do that, you'll find that there will be a
deep level of intimacy. If you sometime you know, we have this
notion that sisters, you know, you just have to put up with whatever,
no, there are moments where you can express you can express
desire, maybe you want to go out for a walk, maybe you want to go
on a holiday, you can just express and say, you know, I wish I could
go on holiday, you know, this is non demanding way, but just let me
know, this is what I would like to do. You know, usually, usually,
men are more than happy to facilitate for their wives to the
thing that they feel is going to bring happiness.
But the problem lies, because expect our husbands to mind read,
the thing is, he doesn't know what's in here, we have to
verbalize it in here. And that means we have to express it in the
way that he will understand, okay, I want us to do this, maybe you
know, you want to go for a meal out. Yeah. Especially now there's
this offer of you know, 50%, the government is trying to help out
with the restaurant, maybe you want to go out for my smell thing
to him at him or you know what I love to go out for a meal. And you
know, have a night out at him whether he knows.
And when he knows, believe me, you'll see that he will try to
facilitate it as much as he can.
Also, um, you want to do certain things with him. Like, for
example, I don't know, you want to go live with him, or you want to
spend an evening with him, or you want to, you know, go for a drive
with him, whatever you fancy, express it to him. Don't be
wonderful. If you and I we went out for my walk, or we went out
for you know, a jog, or we went out for a drive to express it to
him. So that he knows it, he just has one idea of being certain
things they just expect from what I have seen in the community, the
husband to know, the thing is he won't know. And you tell him what
you want, like Google example comes to mind. You know, when you
send your husband for shopping, you know, you write on
a written list on the shopping list. And he will tell you what he
thinks you want it. Like once what happened I wrote macro, you know,
finest macro. I wanted a 10 macro, but he got me the fresh mackerel.
And I was thinking, Oh my God, I didn't want this. I want macro.
And I said to him, why did you get this? He said to me, Well, you
didn't specify you want it in macro. So I thought Yeah, that's
true. I just thought he wouldn't he would know. Because I changed
the brand. And that's when the confusion happens. So he thought
maybe I wanted freshmen. Similarly,
men, they can't read our mind. So if you want certain things we have
to verbalize. So expressing our desire our needs,
and our love. And one of the ways that we can express our love for
them is a you know, showing them our love for them. So that could
be like the way we serve them. You know, and here's where I would
like to begin the you know, five languages of love by Gary Chapman,
it's fantastic because it really teaches people how to show their
love language so that the spouse can understand. They mean love.
Because different people have different ways of expressing love,
and showing love and understanding love.
expressing your love for him, you know, maybe you know, you feel
that, you know, he's taking such good care of you. Therefore, you
know, you want to show him that you love him for taking care of
you. So it could be that you know, you spend quality time with him
because the last five languages lovely quality, time, you know,
formation of words, giving gifts, physical touch, and service Pigma
all of it is found in our deen and tradition. So feel like he's
taking such good care of you. Express it No, show him that you
really love him and nourish him. How are you going to do this? We
understand that once you make him, you know feel loved and cherished.
Maybe you know like giving him a nice meal. Because
his true a way to a man's
heart is through his stomach. Thirdly, you know my man
hamdulillah so
the thing that will bring him when happiness and the way to do that
is showing and expressing love and that's why Subhanallah the eye in
Surah room
Hola matches mensches mawatha love, which is expressed, because
sometime, you're gonna have a person who loves another person,
but they don't know that they love each other. We know from the
prophetic tradition, if you love a person, you should know that
person I love
that the person knows, double guessing, they love me does not
love me for similarly in marriage, when you love a person, tell him
tell him that, you know, I really love you, you know, I really
cherish the time we have together, you might think, Oh, this is a bit
you know, cheesy, it's okay to be cheesy. Sometime need words like
this, why because it makes us feel a sense of belonging, words, and,
like, clarity.
With you, and on your family, it's like, charity at home, who use it
and spend it. Why because you will benefit. A home language that you
use in your home is not just for you and him. It's also create a
culture for your family members, when the children see that mum say
to that I love you. Or I really appreciate what you do for me, or
thank you for, you know, taking us out to dinner learning. Learning
how to express gratitude, learning how to express love for Your word
is for a long way, it's not just pressing him that you love him to
teaching the young ones how to be with their loved ones. So this is
something that I would really encourage, you know, with regards
to men, they have different ways of, you know,
showing and understanding love, understand spouse's long love
language, other conversation, what makes you feel loved, you know,
have a discussion so that he knows, okay, my wife is trying to
do this in conversation is a very good way of understanding and
reading each other, because when you read each other, then you can
actually serve each other in the way and fulfill each other. And
that's something that I think couples don't get enough of having
the time to convert, of course, it doesn't happen in vacuum, you have
to create a time where you come together. And one of the things
that I think is really good is if couples find a time of me
together, it could be tea time, it could be after have been put
sleep, it could be early morning, time, whatever the time is
suitable for you. And he tried to find a time together. And one of
the fabulous time I feel is team time together. So when you eat
together, you can, you know, spend time together and you can have
that kind of connection with each other as well. And also express
your love for one another by cooking, my school that he enjoys,
because these are the things that creates a house in the home. To
take LifeNet you know, sometimes, you may be very pleased with your
husband, because he's been so good. Show it to him, express it
to him, how are you going to do this, through you the love
language, it could be that you cook his favorite meal, believe in
me, these more gestures they call a long way. It shows them that you
care for him, you love him, you cherish him know when a person
feels like this, they want to give and do and perform more you want
more, because more than better,
expressing is very important. Thirdly,
in marriage, there has to be that sense of appreciation when you
appreciate your spouse whatever little or more he does, then you
will see that the session will increase whatever goodness that he
has given you Subhanallah with regards to this point of
representation, we find there is a lot of
emphasis in our faith.
Once what happened, I smile at the Allahu anha she
she says that the Prophet sallallahu listen He passed by a
group of women. And he said to them, beware of ingratitude of
those with blessings. This group of women will be surprised. What
did they say? They said,
Your rasool Allah We seek refuge from in gratitude for the
blessings.
But then the prophets ism he said, Yes, one of you women might have
been without a husband for a long time.
And then Allah provides her with one and then she becomes angry and
says By Allah, I have never seen out
I have good from you. This is in gratitude for the blessings of
Allah. This is the ingratitude of those with blessings. Here are the
promises of his teaching. And this is a Hadith and he
by chuckle Alberni. So here you can see that the promises are made
he passed by this group of women is saying to them and of course
the process and he wanted the school, humanity, none women, but
he's saying to them beware of ingratitude when the women asked
what is ingratitude, the promises and said that, you know, you could
be you know, without a start, and then Allah blesses you with the
status until one day you say, your spouse, I have seen no good from
you And subhanAllah how is this done in modern times? And time,
say, for example, going back to the example of shopping, you might
send your husband shopping, and he may be things and it's not to your
satisfaction. You might say, a woman might say,
you never get things right. Easily said it just rolls off the tongue.
But that's not true. He does two things, right? It just on
occasion. And he I'm just talking about introspection, when you say
things like this, it shows in gratitude, all of us are guilty of
it, you know, why are we focusing on this because this is done so
easily. What happens when we are ungrateful, this is a blameworthy
characteristics. And all of us we fall into it, you know, we become
grateful so easily. When you see that quality, say for example,
important. How do you feel? You don't feel like doing it for the
child? Imagine how the husband must feel. Yeah, so obviously
we're looking at research, you know, better ourself
here. Next time, you know, something goes wrong, bite your
tongue, and think okay, Alhamdulillah, etc, got the
chopping, or at least I have some shopping so that you bought,
stepping blameworthy situation because after all, we are mindful
of the way we behave. Why? Because when we behave in a certain way,
whose records of these are refilling, not his hours, our book
of IDs are being filled with ingratitude. We have to be mindful
and we have to stop. We have to come we have to be better. Why?
Because this book of IDs will be presented to us on that day. We
don't want to be regretful we don't want to be distraught by
looking at this book and in my daily huddle, Kitab Allah you have
severe rotten LKB rotten Illa AXA, what is this book left the NIV
small all cept calculated in it. So with regards to this quality, I
have to highlight that this does we all fall into it so easily. Try
to stop yourself and express gratitude so it could be that
you know he's taking you out for that meal he expressed after they
you know meal fit him you know, look Hello him thank you very
much. So we do things like this for our friends or sisters. Why
can't we do that for our spouse, you know, thanking him sending him
a text or saying to him you know, I really do that meal thank you
for taking me you know, because when you do this, what is it
telling him telling him that you enjoyed it and he would love to
see you in you know in yourself or maybe you will repeat it again you
know, in psychology, we know that if you do attention, certain
action and most likely this action will be repeated, you know, a
positive reinforcement. So appreciation can be in different
ways. Another thing that we can focus on with regards to gratitude
is if for example your husband is your gift.
One of the ways to appreciate it is not to exchange that gift you
know sometimes we have examples where husband would buy a gift,
you think okay, you know it's not what I wanted, I'm gonna go and
exchange the gift you know, to do that, you know, he's Bucha gift.
You know, of course it is size issues and no problem. But when it
shields for something else because it's showing him that this is not
you know, worthy of your This isn't good enough for you. And
that will discourage him to buy another gift for you. One of the
ways to appreciate is to enjoy the gift and wear it and who for it
and show it off so that he knows that you approve of his gift.
Yeah. Sometimes he may choose things that are like you know,
household items I can pass or dress or jewelry, something that
you already have
have, you know what carry ship so that you know he knows that you
are appreciative of it. Small things, you know that will create
a connection. So the next time he sees something, you will have the
confidence to buy for you because he knows that whatever he buys for
you, you will appreciate it and you will enjoy it and you will
wear it so therefore it will COURAGING you buy more you into
Allah, another way of appreciating is speaking with him, appreciate
his time with you. When he is with you.
to nag him, don't say things like oh, you know what? Rama that you'd
said to me that when you're with him, I think when you read your
friends, what they talk about, you talk about things that brings you
joy brings you happiness, you laugh, you joke, you talk about
funny stories, you talk about moments, when you guys were crazy,
you talk about different things that's going on in the community,
you know, so openly is one that you enjoy. Similarly, when your
son comes home
creator atmosphere where you're just talking about all the
mudroom, things that has been going on, the child has become
sick, this has happened that SME sino has happened. However,
central your conversation all doom and gloom, looking at while you
were at work, while you were at home, he was not explaining he was
at work, too. Yeah, generally speaking, when you come in
together, try to have a new talk about where you both are feeling
refreshed. And it's a warm, you know, conversation to get in an
adult conversation.
Or have that kind of time of intimacy where you are talking and
discussing, but you and him not about the kids not about the
bills, not about household chores, about how you feeling, you know,
you could talk about how the fees been, you could talk about how he
has been or what happened at work, and you have a mature
conversation. And believe you me, you will create a world where you
will have you know, comfort and emotional support for one another
if you try to understand how each other is doing, you know, and of
course, this does take time and effort and energy I get. So we
have to kind of prepare ourselves so that there is that time and
effort and energy and that real connection. And you know, when
couples have that real connection, you will see that whatever life
throws up, they will try to tackle it together. Why? Because they
have that emotional intimacy that they have that you know, support
system from each other. Was this video clip about a couple who
stayed married for
more than 50 years. So the interview was asking them what is
the secret to your long lasting marriage? Hello, what happened?
Lady fell ill so she had to be hospitalized. So
peds man, the husband, he followed suit because he wanted to be with
her. But he got himself admitted to the same hospice. So that
mission made a prince to the woman's health, she became a bit
more bitter in a health and well being. So both of them were
admitted in the in hospice and SubhanAllah. At this couple
couple, they won the award for being married for a long period of
time. So when they shared this secrets, or you know, the reasons
that her has kept married together for such a long time, they said
that one of the things that they feel was really important, keeping
their marriage
successful and happy and long lasting was that to the newness
that they will always staying being together, you know, creating
a world where there was a sense of companionship, you know, even in
the old age, when the woman got hospitalized, the husband followed
suit, he got himself, you know, admitted to the hospital. Why?
Because he wanted to be near his wife.
Think about it, how many husband would that let them serve into the
hospital just so they can be with a wife. That's 100 It was really
nice to watch that both of these couple, they had this emotional
intimacy, you know, they were really connected with each other,
you know, hand in hand holding, you know, each other. And this
isn't about, you know, overnight. It comes about slowly but surely
and gradually and how he comes about it comes about by small fits
from both parties, you know, coming together, and that's why
it's really important that couples, they make sure Aly you
know they try to come together. If husband works out of town then
maybe it
You can call him and say, oh, you know, how was your day? You know,
what did you do? You know, what did you eat, oh gestures like this
keeps us connected, this, this connection is very meaningful, why
because it will carry you through your difficulties in your life.
So, the happiness is very, very important, and having the time
connect with one another, and, of course, you have to show that you
appreciate one another, when you come together and not just
complain about this, that the other sometime it says, you know,
they would be, say, for example, you know, with their spouse, and
from the phone, you know, opposite is true, but obviously, I'm not
speaking for the brothers and sisters, when you with your
spouse, phone away, you know, speak to him, Look at him, smile
at him, with him, so that he knows that you're fully present, and
vailable and he is able to see that and feel that. So your
presence is showing him that you appreciate the time he is with
you. So, these are some of the ways that I feel that we can have
a deeper connection, sometimes, you know, you may find that, okay,
you want to speak to him. So you can say to him, and I wanted to
speak to you, and have that moment where you can connect with him, I
cannot stress the point of you know, having that
intimate connection with him, not just connecting in the bedroom,
but connection on an emotional level, so that you know, what's
happening in his world, you know, and he knows what's happening in
your world. And there is that sense of coming together. And
online, you know, in the community I have seen before. Couple, they
separate physically, there is emotional separation, meaning
they create their own little world where they are living in one world
and their husband is living in another world. And when they come
together, it's just for logistics, like no the bills, the children,
the you know, groceries, this is not marriage, this is like, you
know, living as you know, flatmates. Marriage is one where
you share your, you know, painful moments, your, your, you know,
pleasure, your happy times your sad times, your difficult times
your easy time. It's a time where you have the support of each
other. As someone that comes just like this, you're gonna come when
you have to foster that connection between you and your husband. So
one of the things that I think it's very important for us to
keep in our marriage is, you know, the roles and responsibilities a
big one. And we discussed that yesterday, one of the things I
find is causing a lot of problems in the marriage is is the firm
roles and responsibilities that people have. And of course, we
live in a time where some rules have been shared. And the
expectation is a bit blurred. It's very important that you understand
what what does it expect from you, and what are your expectations
from that you can manage expectation in a very realistic
way. Now, as for your role as a wife, of course, you are, means
towards his happiness, we find in a very, very
beautiful Hadith, where the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam, he
teaches the Companions about things that brings, you know,
happiness to a man. So there are four things a woman, you know,
is married, for, you know, the Hadith, that she's married for?
Wealth, lineage, beauty, and religion. Now the blossom said,
marry the one with religion. Why? Because that woman with religion,
she will bring in her faith into the marriage and she will
beautify your marriage with regards to her religious
understanding, will do things by
her faith that will benefit you. Also, we know there are four
things that are part of a happiness for a man, what are they
a spacious house, a neighbor, a comfortable, right Subhanallah, a
righteous woman. You can see how women have a lot of power, create
happiness in the life of a man. And one of the ways that we do
this is by our faith, because our faith helps us to navigate
different challenges in our marital life. And he gives us the
understanding of how to be perfect he does to the best of our
ability. Why because it's life is not just, you know, lived in that
fit
No, this life is like a vida where we are sowing the seeds and
whatever good seeds that we sow in sha Allah with good intention and
good effort we will harvest in the hereafter. So, therefore we have
to be mindful, okay, you know, let me so this you know the limit. So
that said, why that on the Day of Judgment, we are inshallah happy
and, you know, peace. That's why we have Hadith like the promises
and said, If a woman, you know, pays her five days salah, fast in
the month of Ramadan, God's her chastity and obeys her husband,
she'll be told through any gates you wish, why? Because when you
obey your husband, you are actually fulfilling one of the
commands of Allah. So it's not just a blanket rule, of course you
speak to him, you can understand this room for negotiation. But the
point here is, you accept that there is a hierarchy in marriage.
And that hierarchy is that Allah has put the man in charge, and
then you and then your children. So therefore there has to be
respect for authority, respect for leadership, it's like, you know,
when you see in a company, if you have your boss, you're not going
to speak to him in a certain way, you have to be mindful, okay,
there is a hierarchy in place. And I have to be mindful of that. And
this is not been serving to the boss, looking at the higher
purpose and that is Allah azza wa jal, trying to create harmony, a
system so that there is peace
and clarity in the family life, because if there's too Boston, of
course, there'll be conflict. And there will be chaos, for Allah has
put the man in charge provided, he is being his part, and he is
responsible, is maintainer, and then the wife and the children.
But there is that kind of beautiful system that Allah has
put, and we're trying to operate in that system. So they're told
that there is harmony, and I know, many times, you know, myself
included growing up in this society has had an influence in
the way we have dealt with our say, role in family, it's
difficult to ask stuff, you know, can I do this? Or can I do that,
but you know, it's just courtesy to run it by him so that there is
peace, and there's no, like tension in the home or conflict,
because when there's conflict, it's not just you and him that
suffers, everyone suffers, the children get involved, and they
see there is tension in the family home. So with this, inshallah I
want to go into the conflicts, when there's conflict.
How are we doing for time?
Norma, are doing okay, and Hamdulillah we should wrap up with
within the next 10 minutes as possible, are we How far are we
with the art of marriage presentation?
Okay, last section to do and then we had one. Okay. Because the next
Yeah, the next one is at four. So
Minister shot lucky. Okay, that's fine.
Okay, with regards to conflicts, I think sometimes
when there is conflict, there are gonna be words that are said. And
sometime we may feel hurt, and say things that we mean later regret,
one of the thing that I really recommend is, when there are
conflicts, you know, if you've got too much emotion, it's going
better for you to just, you know, just not pay much. Because
you would have saved yourself from a lot of harm. Sometimes we know
when we are in a state of, you know, anger, or there's a lot of
emotions, we may say things that may roll off our tongue, and that
may not be good for us. So it's better for us to just, you know,
quiet and just, you know, have that space between you and him.
Because very often, we find people when they say, you know things
like you know what, he divorced me and he was angry.
Of course,
no one's surprised that you know, a person voices work while they're
in the state of anger because that's when you lose control of
what you're saying. Because the you know, shaytaan has a lot of
stronghold on you. So one of the things that I think would be good
is to remain quiet when there's a lot of rage and look at the
prophetic description, you know, of standing on if you're sitting
down, not helping them lie down, meaning like try to defuse the
situation and try to understand the triggers what's causing the
conflict in the first place, you know, every relationship, there
are certain triggers, meaning the cause of conflict, what causes the
conflict could be that, you know, is something that he doesn't like,
or something that, you know you don't like or something that is,
you know, with the in laws, or sometime it could be
misunderstanding, if this could be a plain misunderstanding, but you
understand the conflict, then it helps you to,
you know, see how to resolve conflict in the best possible way.
One of the ways of resolving the conflicts is to have that timeout
for yourself is to kind of reflect what has happened, you know, where
did I go wrong here, try to be objective, and really realize your
part, you know, is it something that requires you to apologize for
something that maybe you misunderstood? Or is it something
that, you know, he misunderstood, try to understand the case,
situation for what it is,
please avoid putting other people involved. Why do I say this,
because when you get others involved, it's like, you're
spreading the fire, you know, and when you spread fire, it's hard to
contain,
and minimize the damage. Because the more people know, more people
would have more say, in this matter, and it will delete,
unnecessarily. So try to contain the matter within you and him. If
you see that the matter is getting out of hand, it's not resolving,
you're getting more serious. And you can ask, or you can seek
advice from somebody that you respect, meaning somebody who has
your best interests at heart, and somebody who is
competent to give you advice, you know, either local in a chef that
you go to you trust, it could be that you got your teacher, it
could be that you go to a senior relative who is fair, and just,
you know, seeking counsel and advice from somebody who can be a
bit of activity in the matter, because it couldn't be that you
are in the situation, you can't see this for what it is. So you
need some, you know, introspection and some objectivity in what's
going on. If that happens, then obviously, I to seek advice and
try to implement whatever is recommended. Now, if you feel
that, okay, this is not helping the situation, what do I do, of
course, you have to get him on board, maybe this problem on his
side, maybe he needs to do something he needs to change, you
know, his way, in that situation, you say to him, Look, clearly it's
not working, or, clearly we are having some problems that we are
unable to solve within ourselves, then let's, you know, go and see
someone that we are both happy with, you know, usually I find men
not like to take matters outside of the home, it could be a pride,
it could be anything, it could be just man dismantling, you have to
respect that because you can't, you know, force him to go into
something, it's just not going to happen, it's not going to work,
you and him both have to be happy to go to the mediator, so that the
problem can be discussed in, you know,
way.
These are the ways that you can try, you know, tackle your
conflict and manage the conflict in the best possible way. Now,
before it gets to that stage, where you have to go to mediation
or counselor,
or whoever you feel is right, with marital issues and problems,
for certain things that you can do at home, in the earliest stages,
that and reconcile the relationship or mend the
relationship. So it isn't bad to worse. One of the ways is that,
you know, say for example, if you're at a reflection point where
you realize okay, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have said
this, in a maybe I should have rephrased it like this, or it was
my bad, you know, I should have, you know, held my tongue back, you
know, mistakes happen. We all think that we regret later on.
Now, there's nothing stop you from saying to him, You know what, I'm
sorry, I shouldn't have done that. You know, acknowledging your
mistakes, and your shortcomings and apologizing. Why because you
will see that that apology will reconcile them
after you have reconciled them.
If you feel that there has to be something on his side he needs to
check
And you can say,
by the way, when you said that the other to me, I don't think it was
right, because I was hurt, you can express your view afterwards, you
know? Or if you feel,
you know, right time expressing before that you can, why am I why
am I mentioning this? You see, it's very important as women, we
express ourselves so that the other person knows how we're
feeling. And not feel
just something that I don't want to say because it can upset can
Yes, it's going to upset him, but it's also upsetting me as well.
And I really believe strongly a healthy relationship is one where
both parties express each other. So the other party knows how they
feeling, you know, successful marriage is not just about him,
having his needs met, or it's not about her having her needs met her
wishes met. Now it's about both parties, fulfilling each other and
having,
you know, had their needs met. That's a good, healthy, successful
marriage, in both of the parties have to help one another in doing
that local mesorectal he says, Without one, I'll believe with
Aqua help one another in goodness, and God consciousness, oh,
you feel that there's some things that he needs to change, you know,
because it affects you, it hurts you, for you to express
themselves. And they please, you know, really upsets me when you do
this, oh, there is a dialogue between you and him and no
conflicts. If all bad, sometimes conflicts are good. It's a bit
like spring cleaning, you know, when your house gets really dirty,
unique springs in, when you have conflict, it's a bit like some
issues brewing, you know, underneath and, you know, it's
brewing, it's there, the tension is putting up and then boom, you
have a conflict. But when you have a conflict, within come out, you
know, all feelings are coming out, all emotions are coming out and
some time needed for conflicts to happen. So you can restart and
refresh your relationship and address these matters that were
brewing underneath the, you know, have a way to resolve them. And
some time, it needs a conflict, you know, 444 happens so that you
can discuss his issues, but it was in the back burner, and it was
being away. So conflicts can be quite healthy at times, because it
helps both parties know, this is something that, you know, obsess
her or this is something that annoys him, and we have to look
towards, you know, resolving it so that it doesn't aggravate, you
know each other because the objective of marital bliss is
what, you know, there is
a sense of peace and tranquility between, you know, husband and
wife, that something, you know, Islam propagates, you know, Allah
azza wa jal, he says, the school they have, so there is repose,
tranquility, peace, found in companionship. And, of course,
it's not going to be fun, just like that, there is going to be
work that needs to be put in, one of the things that I will say, is
been married for a long period of time, hum, the lie has taught me
that there has to be ways and times, for one compromise. And
compromise is something that you have to be mindful of, and be
willing to do not compromise where you are always losing, and just
giving a no healthy compromise where, you know, you're both
meeting together. I can I mentioned yesterday, which is
quite interesting. And sometimes I'm compromises that, you know, if
you're really passionate about something, then you take the other
person on your side, and the other way around, as well. Some issues
with that you don't see eye to eye, but then you can revisit it,
you know, agree to discipline. So, compromise is part and parcel of a
happy marriage. And lastly, with everything that I have said, is
that a good marriage requires a low dose of patience. It requires
a lot of patience. Why? Because there are certain things you know,
you will find your marriage that irritate it. Now doesn't mean that
you know, you're just going to walk out no, you're just going to
look at the bigger picture. Yeah, there are good things, you know,
in him, there are bad things in him. There are good things in me
and there are bad things in me. Therefore, you know, you have to,
you know, just tolerate the practicing because obviously,
everyone, we all have weaknesses, you know, like he's tolerating
your weaknesses. You have to tolerate his weaknesses, you know,
and we all have it so we have to have that
elements of patients,
just singly both elderly couples, one of the that they were
mentioning the non Muslim, the Christian couples was that due to
their access, you know, in marriages that they were, you
know, spending time together a compromise, and they had
become patients with one another SubhanAllah. You know, our faith
teaches us that patience, you know, is to faith what head is to
the body, we know that any relationship, you know, you will
have ups and downs, and
you're having ups and downs. How you resolve how you deal with
these ups and downs and patients is great aspects of coping with
the challenges of such relationships in
my MA, I think I will get here unless if there's any questions or
maybe discussion or says want to contribute anything, then
inshallah we can talk about that.
So Pamela, we have Jessica Lafayette, and firstly, for that
very comprehensive rundown of you know, the arts of marriage, I
think my favorite one is I've coined it, but it was what you
said about treating your time with your husband, as you do with your
friends into in terms of what you choose to talk about. So my thing
is, keep it cute, or put it on mute.
The group.
Okay, so we've got a couple of questions from the VIPs. Here.
says, If you have any questions, we may have a little bit of time
for q&a. So quickly, quickly, put your questions. If you're in the
VIP area, guys, tuck them in the chat. If you're on Facebook,
please type it in there in the comments. So I have a question
here, which is how do you deal with conflict birth by unavoidable
external factors? Especially when it really pushes your emotions?
What is your advice to stare them?
Can you read that again? I'ma Yeah, it's in the chat. It says
how do you deal with conflict birthed by unavoidable external
factors? Especially when it really pushes your emotions? Okay. I
think one of the things that you can
address is, what is it about that conflict really pushes your
emotions, you know, and try to identify so that you can be
specific, when you're specific, then you can dress it to your
spouse and say, You know what, I don't really like the fact that I
feel undervalued, for example. Because when this happens, and
that's how I feel, sometimes, we don't know what actually triggers
a emotion. So it's very good to know what what really is the key
thing that pushes us then once we identify that we can discuss it
with our spouse, or discuss it with the relevant person and try
to look at ways to addressing it so that it doesn't put us in that
situation again, and makes us you know, like, provoke, if that makes
sense.
I have a question here in the Facebook group, which is, and I
wanted to kind of, sort of push that question out a bit further,
because I think that it's something that has come up a few
times, even since yesterday. So the question is, what if he is
only present and responsive when it suits him. So I would like to
tell her, I would like you to offer some advice for women who
are married to selfish men.
Because it is a problem where the wife wants to work on it, the wife
wants things to change or to evolve, or whatever she wants
more, man is not is not available for that.
So obviously, a lot of what you've said a lot of what sister Miriam
said earlier and even Sister Salma said is, you know, it really makes
sense for couples who are, you know, working together on this,
but what if your husband is not working with you? Either he thinks
everything's fine. Or he's just stubborn, or selfish? How do we
deal with that? Yeah, I think it's a very, very good question. And I
think there needs to be more like, discussion on that, because I
sense that no, women are quite keen to develop and, you know,
come to and work at the relationship. Whereas sometimes
men can be quite complacent and quite, you know, lack with regards
to you know, relationship or whatever, you know, so I think
it's a very, very good question. One of the key ways is to really
like highlight the matter yourself. You take
You know, with, with tension, few try to drum in about a matter that
is important to you ventually with, you know, the systems, you
will get that attention is to be in a petition, you know, when we
are really passionate about the matter, we fight to go on and on
and on about. I think one of the things that you know, women should
not feel shy away from is dressing the matter in different ways.
Okay, I tried to book a time with him, so I can talk about what's
important, we, it didn't work, okay, maybe next time, you know, I
need to write to try to exhaust all the different methods that you
think is going to be effective in having your husband's attention.
So that he takes notice, and he understands, could even be some
time, you know, after
to get ourselves thinking, after something that he likes, do, you
know, it could be an after meal, or it could be after, you know,
you know, he is fee
back from work, and he's relaxed. He's just, you know, trying to,
you know, catch up on his news and things like that, whatever moment
you get where you know, that he's going to be fully present, or
focus or at least grab some of his attention, and inshallah address
it. And don't be disheartened if, you know, one attempt doesn't
work. Why, again, why again, and, you know, sometimes it could be
that he's taken note, he just is taking time to come random out of
me, because he doesn't realize that you have really flourished,
and you're actually going forward. So could be that, you know, he's
just trying to understand how to deal with this change that he has
written us, you know, so it could be a lot going on in his mind, you
know, and you'll come across as that he is quite stubborn, or he's
not actually taking it, or he just freaked out that, you know, you
really like gone ahead and just doesn't know what to do. He's just
trying to figure it out himself, a combination of things. But my
point is, if you feel strongly about something, try to address it
in the way that you think is good, most suitable for him. Pay
attention. So don't just go back to one attempts, you know, try
again, try again, so that you have his attention and you have related
to him what he does with information, it's up to him,
obviously, you can't
expect him to react in a certain way because you don't control his
reaction. But what you can do is try to convey how you're feeling
and where you are at with things so that he knows an artist, you
know, that you have tried to inform him and give him the link.
I hope that makes sense.
I think it does, but I think girls ladies, I do think that this is
definitely a conversation for another day. Because it is more to
do with conflict resolution, you know, communication compromise.
And you know, what options are actually available for you if you
are in a very unfulfilling marriage with no way forward. So I
think we will shelve it there inshallah I have made a note
Inshallah, we will address this in an upcoming virtual salame
session. I think we have the skills within the community from
the brothers and the sisters side to actually address these issues
where you know, people are unhappy in their marriages, men, brothers
and sisters, you know, so Inshallah, not to worry, I would
like to thank you firstly, I'm Tom Hart, and for being here with us
for teaching us for sharing of your wisdom May Allah reward you
and bless you and your family. And I would like to thank all our
patrons for their help and their support. Because of you guys. We
are able to continue to do this work my shot a lot about a
Columbia you've made you all get some of the baraka and all our
wonderful ladies who supported us by buying tickets who are there in
the Facebook group, listening, taking notes, commenting, I
appreciate you I love you all for the sake of Allah. I will put on
Tom has information and her organization's information in the
Facebook group and it will be emailed out as well and Sharla on
Tumblr, what's the best place for people to connect with you?
I've got my own Instagram page so they can connect directly through
or you know, martial arts you know, Instagram pages as well.
Okay, fantastic. Okay, guys, insha Allah. As I said before, go and
take a toilet break, grab some more water, grab a cup of tea.
We'll be back here inshallah in 16 minutes at four o'clock when we've
got the CO wives coaches, Nyla and Fatima talking about effective
communication. So I will see you all then insha Allah Subhana Allah
Hi, I'm Robin overhunting. I just had one that was de Fuca when I
told Lulu.
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but a colorful black color