Naima B. Robert – Sunday Night Livestream Maryam Lemu Preparing for Marriage, Expectations and Deal Breakers
AI: Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the importance of clear and loud speech, acknowledging one's worth and empowering oneself to forget everything else in a relationship. They stress the need for clarity and respect for boundaries, avoiding negative thoughts, and building a legacy for the future. Investing in oneself and inspping on family values is crucial to avoid wasting wedding money and finding a partner and building a legacy for the future. The host encourages viewers to bring something to them and share their experiences, and reminds them to stay on the stream and subscribe to their channel.
AI: Summary ©
Salam Alaikum Bismillah salat wa salam ala Rasulillah Okay, so this
is fantastic. This is our first Sunday night livestream and I've
literally been talking the whole time on mute so I hope that now
you guys can actually hear me I hope it's coming through and
that we're not going to have any issues with regards to the
connection or anything like that but please do let me know guys if
coming through loud and clear, I was asking earlier if I was coming
through loud and clear, but I clearly wasn't because I was on
mute. So here we are Masha Allah cistus la Malika Maryam how are
you?
You can oh you need permission of course. Yes, we need to let you be
able to jump on as the co host so you can put your video on and
yeah, it feels like a long time since we've been here. So
can you hear me?
My sound alright. Yep, your sound is perfect. Right?
I'm standing Can you hear me? Well can you see me well? Yeah, I'm I'm
gonna put the volume my volume up a bit. I think
I'll
put my my
you got your lovely tropical background. I see. We're always in
the tropics. basking on the beach.
Always basking on the beach. That is true. All right, let me
guess I wanted to the mic.
Okay, hopefully that will be better inshallah. Yeah, let's go
okay. So Allah sorry, Cambodia and welcome back to the space
hamdulillah Alaikum salaam it's always a pleasure to be here. Oh,
is on call for uses mashallah to Monaco. I appreciate it so much.
And so much has happened since the end of the year, end of last year,
we're already going into the middle of the month past the
middle of the month now. So we've had a chance for literally like,
your, your you ancestor highly, that that initial Friday night
session that we did has been viewed by 41,000 people like the
41,000 views Sorry, my bad 51,000 views on that initial Friday night
that we did. And just an amazing response. You know, so many
comments, so many people sharing it in groups and you know, it
really went mashallah far and wide it went kind of viral really. So
for you sometimes.
And Hamdu lillahi rabbil aalameen, but for you
What was different? Do you think about what we did that weekend?
Why do you think people gravitated to it and are still gravitating to
it as much as they are?
And hamdulillah like I said them and I see now May Allah bless you
for putting that event together. And I think being the end of the
year, it was a chance for everybody to kind of recalibrate
and just, you know, set new goals and I haven't
even I was so excited to be with Sister Holly And Alhamdulillah I
always pick up gems
being the end of the year, it was a chance for everybody
from everywhere, and from
looking at the comments
many people showed up because they, for me with the little that
I've learned over the past year.
And of course, Sister Holly with her wealth of knowledge, and I'm
really happy that many have found it, or what we shared resonates.
And in short, I tried this, I applied this, I got a ton of
emails Alhamdulillah from people who shared some of the things they
took away from my session, which really made me just keep saying
Alhamdulillah throughout you know, I'm really happy about the
feedback.
System. Not sure is
me
talking to myself, or have you
met me secretly weather system?
You are you still?
System? Are you still there? Did I miss you? Or did you lose me?
Internet is still playing around where I am. You? Yes, it's spotty?
Can you hear me?
Yes, I can I can hear you. Hello, I'm
gonna get through this as best as we can. We're gonna get through
this as we can.
Yeah, you know, I mean, I picked up on some of what you were saying
before, to be honest, the sound dropped for me, and then it kicked
me out completely. But I think one of the things that I've seen one
of the one of the the most common feedback that I'm getting is
people just feeling like the sense of almost relief, to hear women
being honest, being down to earth, telling it like it is, and also
sort of keeping things grounded in, you know, our purpose and our
way of life and our value system. Right. And it seems that that's
not something that we are hearing a lot or seeing a lot.
So people really, really appreciated that. And, you know,
over the time, you know, people said, you know, like,
you've saving marriages out here, because, you know, it's one thing
to talk about the rules, right? It's one thing to talk about the
ideal, you know, the roles and responsibilities, the roles, it's
one thing to do that.
But it's another thing to actually speak from a place of experience
of somebody who is navigating that and has been navigating that for
decades. You know what I mean? And just that, that sense of realism
and honesty that comes through so it's not like you're comparing
yourself to like an archetypal ideal. It's literally no people
are living this, you know, people are living this people are
navigating this day to day,
you know, through the ups and downs with the challenges with the
joys with the triumphs and everything in between. So I think
that that was really very refreshing. I think that's the
word I would use a refreshing
Yeah, hamdulillah Al Hamdulillah. Was there anything that you felt
like if say we were to have another one of these? What do you
think that we didn't talk about in this in this in the first one?
That would be really good for us to talk about in the next one.
What do you think?
I think some of the feedback
I've
gotten some of the things that I got in emails and D tackle the
challenges give
need practical examples of how to speak
more effectively, How to Speak softly. I know I shared what a
bumbling idiot I was. And I use that word loosely because that's
really who I was, in the early years of our marriage when I was
trying to navigate and, you know, find my way in the dark, so to
speak. And a lot of people appreciate it, hearing the reality
that, you know, you're admitting your marriage hasn't been perfect
all along. And until today, you know, we continue to fight to make
sure the marriage work and be intentional and try and always
deliver our a game and be sensitive and conscious of, you
know, each other's feelings. So we're very, very, very aware. But
I think a lot of people were hoping to get an I pray future
episodes cover, you know, real How do you fight? You know, you end up
feeling shattered, broken? You know, how do you feel hurt when
you fight? And like I said, I learned the tactical, fighting,
fighting from that movie, by
the way, where I
found a way to fight or are fighting the right way who know
what weapons they need to take
the art of war,
meaning having a loser because
I won the battle. And you know, I won the battle. You know, we lost
the war, but more actually, with a big picture of the marriage in
mind. Yeah, I think that that that piece that you mentioned about it
being about the marriage about the team, not so much I win, or you
win, or I lose when you win or anything like that. But, you know,
because I guess let's let's, let's be honest, we've all won a battle,
right? That has damaged the relationship, right? So we won in
that instance, for whatever reason, because the person walked
away, they gave up or they couldn't counter our argument, oh,
we just use the weapons of mass destruction. And it just like blew
the whole thing apart. But now the relationship is suffering. Now the
actual relationship between the two of you, there's fracture
there. So even though you won, it has impacted your relationship,
right. And I think it takes a lot of self awareness to realize that
it's not about being right. It's not about winning. It's not about
you know, who who's going to get one over? The other? It is how can
we resolve this so that our relationship is stronger as a
result of these challenges that we faced?
And I think that it's a wise man and a wise woman who realizes that
it's, it really is not about me, and and kind of, you know, my, you
know, our, our tallies this the score of how many fights Did you
win? How many arguments Did you win, you know, all lose, for that
matter? SubhanAllah.
So I agree with you, I think, I think how practical sort of how to
fight how to communicate, you know, how to complain, quote,
unquote, when to say something, when to keep your peace? I think
that's a big piece as well. And then another thing that came up
for me a lot was the fact that we kept saying, this doesn't apply if
you are in an abusive situation. Do you remember how many times
over the weekend we had to give that disclaimer to say, like, this
is for normal marriages? Right? So there were quite a few people who
were like, Okay, I got that relationship. Exactly. But what do
we do if we're not in a healthy relationship? What can you give us
if we are in an abusive situation? And I think when we have our next
one, we definitely need to address those types of situations.
Because, yeah, some people are in terrible situations, you know, as
you as you well know, right? Yeah. A lot of people are suffering in
marriage.
A lot of people are losing themselves or sacrificing
themselves for various reasons. And I think it's something that
would
to address especially my Sharia point of view. And what I found
was, you know, what are your options? What can you do? I think
that would really be a very good topic to go into in more detail
and get, you know, respected scholars who can come and add to
what is being said. So it doesn't just sound like a women's lib kind
of event or you know, as they say, this feminism thing of just
You know empower yourself and forget everything else I think
be really great to do Yeah, inshallah guys on the cards as you
know which we just started with just just warming up mashallah so
Okay, so we're talking now about sort of losing yourself and kind
of, you know, holding on to yourself within the marriage
right? And I know that in your premarital masterclass, you start
with the self, don't you, when you are actually getting people to
look at sort of preparing themselves for marriage, you get
them to start with themselves why? Why is that? Why would you do it
that way?
Yeah,
success in life, really
knowing yourself really undersold understanding your worth
understanding your likes and dislikes, understanding your
strengths and your weaknesses and having almost this 360 Like, I am
deliberate in everything I do. But I'm also aware of the baggage
carry and self awareness helps you wrap those things
pack them even and helps your
self esteem. So becoming self aware helps you recognize these
things, because these are tools that can make or break your
relationship. So for me, I believe being self aware helps you know,
your worth, and preserve that. So you don't just settle for crap,
you know, excuse my French, but so that you don't just give in easily
so you don't become a doormat.
And you recognize the so on. So for me, I spend a lot of time on
self awareness. Because I think it's so critical to even getting
to that stage where you know, you know what, I am ready now to get
married because I checked off certain.
Need to equip myself with before I go have validation. And so you
know, yourself on the back end know your own worth, and
appreciate what you bring.
Yeah, no, I agree with that. And I know I like that you. You
mentioned about validation. Because in the marriage
conversation episode with Imam Shabbir, we talked about this
issue of looking for happiness in somebody else. Right? Because a
lot of us, a lot of us, I think, operate almost like empty vessels,
right, that are waiting to be filled. So it's like as women we
give a lot, right, we know that we are able to give and we do give.
But I think there's also a part of us that is like an empty vessel
that is waiting to be filled, waiting to be filled with with
value, with with worth with appreciation with desire. And we
look to our partner for that, right, we look to our spouse to
fill this cup. And while on the one hand, it seems normal for that
to be the case, I can't help thinking that that needs to be
validated, that need to be made to feel worthy almost to be convinced
that you are worthy of love, and worthy of respect. I think it puts
us as human beings in a very, very vulnerable position. And I say
vulnerable not in the good vulnerability but in in a weak
position because we're asking somebody to fill our cup. And I've
said this before, not knowing whether that person even has what
it takes to fill our cup. Because, you know, you assume that a man
who loves you can make you feel loved, right. But this is the
interesting thing about love languages, for example, because if
he doesn't speak your love language, it doesn't matter how
much he loves you, you won't feel loved. And if in your mind, you
are not worthy of love, for whatever reason, sometimes the man
can be going above and beyond to show you that He loves you and you
still don't believe him? Because it all starts here, right? It's
our emptiness that we're trying to build. I don't know. Do you do you
think that that's that that's an issue or maybe that's one of the
reasons why it's a good idea to work on your own self worth
and understanding that, you know, as you said, you know that you are
you are worthy, you are valuable you are, you know who you are in a
way so that you're not looking for validation. You're not looking for
not looking to be built by somebody, I guess. I don't know.
Do you think that that's that's, that's part of it?
Exactly.
I counseled teenagers a lot. And there are some over the years that
I've talked to over experiences they have from their childhood,
whether it's sexual abuse, physical abuse, some kind of
trauma, or what they witnessed that was traumatizing, made them
feel so insecure. And because in marriage counseling, we encounter
people who now start talking about
the baggage they experienced. I'm trying to prevent, yeah, so that
they won't have to baggage now as teenagers. Why? Because it will
one way or another manifests itself in a relationship. Yeah.
Some people who don't recognize why they are super sensitive about
every little thing their spouse does in the marriage. Yeah, not
knowing that these are things that are linked to their triggers that
remind them there was a gentleman who reached out to us for
counseling, my husband and I talked to him. And he was saying
his wife was so sensitive about the way he would hold her. And so
certain words he would use would make her just go ballistic. And
she will just flare up. And he gives so many scenarios. And we
then recognize because by the time we spoke to her, privately, she
confided and actually admitted that
she was raised several times, gestures and mannerisms of her
husband that took her back there which made her very paranoid and
sensitive so I why that self awareness is important and why I
keep emphasizing deal with your baggage, you may not be able to
unpack
everything because you don't even have the right tools to deal with
it. But you do need to recognize that you
do have and then discovering the premarital stage, so you're not
going to be a burden on someone else. So that person knows what
they're going into. And they don't have to be just, you know, the
healer in the relationship because you need mending. You know. So
that's so important, which is why I keep emphasizing know yourself,
you know what your triggers are, know your weaknesses, know how
your past experience what you witnessed what you went through,
affected how you are today. I think you remember during the
conversation and the interview, which you shared last week with
Sally the night where he talked about childhood experiences that
were very unpleasant. But these gave him anger, he had serious
anger management issues. And until like, over 10 years, down the
line, when he trusted me enough and I gained his trust was he able
to open up and share these deep, intimate, painful, traumatizing
experiences that he went through before his he true healing began
and he's still healing, because he but for me, I love how he started
turning insert into healing by talking about it, because most
people will take it to the grave and not discuss it. And sometimes
it's not them going through it. But what they saw their loved ones
go through, which was very hard and they just didn't know how to
handle it. Right. So for me when you're teenagers I have in my
custody because we run a boarding school, I do my best to keep
mentioning, you know, if you've been through this talk about it,
let's work with you, let me help you. Because it's going to haunt
you if you're not careful. So that's the point I was trying to
make 100% 100% And I think one other thing as well that I liked
about you know, brother sides sharing was, again that self
awareness, he had a childhood experience and he realized how it
impacted him. And then he made decisions from that place of
understanding okay, this is what I'm carrying. I think Brandon also
mentioned about carry on baggage and checking baggage and I think
it's about sometimes we don't even know what we learned from our
parents right like you for example I just I find your your story so
fascinating because on the one hand Masha Allah Tabata kala
obviously your parents were were obviously on the same page most of
the time, right? They loved each other, and they were of one
accord, so you never saw any discord. Maybe they had arguments
and and stuff behind the scenes but you guys didn't know it right?
so on. So on the surface one could say you came from a perfect home
you came from a good home. Interestingly enough, the lesson
you learned and what you came out of your parents home
is the idea that a good marriage means that parents don't fight?
Yes, exactly. Big mistake. And if they and if you fight, it means
it's not right. It's not, he's not the one, you know, you're not
right for each other SubhanAllah. So, you know, I don't think most
of us would not be able to marry a man who would be patient with our
nonsense for six years. So we definitely want to avoid
our our ladies that are going into the relationships with this, I
guess, you know, fairy tale, fairy tale idea of what marriage is. But
also, we need to be aware of what our parents example to what we
took from it, in order to be clear on our expectations, how it's
impacted our expectations, what we consider to be normal, what we
consider to be good, bad, etc. And I think Do you think that this is
the type of conversation that people should be having before
they make that commitment? Do you think it's part of those courting
type of conversations to see? Like, where did you really come
from? Like, what have you come from? What have you seen in your
life? What do you think is normal? Because for example, sorry, I want
you to answer this question. But I'm just imagining, if you meet a
man, who's whose father used to be physical with his mother, right,
his father, when he used to get angry, or to discipline the
mother, he would smack her around. And, and that was their childhood
experience. It was it was normal for them. That's kind of important
to know, that your husband to be has has witnessed that, and also
what he makes of it, because if he just sees it as normal, then now
you have to have a conversation. Because if that's not what the
life that you are looking to sign up for, you may have a problem
here because as far as he's concerned, my my dad smacked my
mom, my mom never complained was like, they were still cool. Like,
we still grew up. And now it's like, you know, it was no big
deal. And for me, that's normal. Like if you don't listen, or if
I'm angry, or whatever, that is what I think is normal. Or he saw
it. He's sat with that he's understood kind of, Okay, that
wasn't okay. And he's done the work to see how it has impacted
him and his decisions about his relationship going forward. It's
two different six stages of development, isn't it? But anyway,
do you think that these should be part of our pre marital
Conversations?
I'm having a little bit. I do based on
Yeah, based on so fine that most people just replicate what they
see. The Good, the Bad, and the ugly. And so having that
discussion, which is why in my premarital.
I incorporated a whole list, of course, right now, you will see
where I have amongst the first questions you asked is
me how your parents relationship was fertility to actually go and
witness? Is it so because sometimes, yeah. Because we are
courting, we put our best foot forward. So we don't show
everything. But if you are self aware, you're emotionally
intelligent.
Trust me, by the time you enter that environment, you will have an
idea of what the climate is in the home, and what the role of
everyone is. So absolutely, I think this is part of what you
have to do when I go through, you know, things to talk about in the
premarital course, questions to ask the no go areas, of course,
the boundaries that you shouldn't cross when it comes to the kind of
questions you should ask. But I also cover things to watch out for
when to walk away, or when to
life because there are signs and I believe these are warning signs
for from Allah because you can't be asking Allah to guide you in
your spouse selection. Allah help me like the right spouse, Allah,
you know, bless my union without actually looking at the clues
of us are doing istikhara during the sending warning signs, we see
them doing things that make us uncomfortable, but we are so done
in love that we ignore everything or think or I'm going to fix it
after the marriage. And unfortunately, that's the tragedy
when we're counseling couples, we say So when did you observe this
thing that you're raising now? And it's like, Well, it started before
we got married. And you know, all you can
do is just wish I wish I should. So now you have to start, you
know, trying to fix the problem if it's fixable, some could be as bad
as addictions and you don't find out I know someone who reached out
to me and she's actually a girl who graduated from high school and
she reached out to me because
He was, he was smoking during courtship. And she knew that, but
he told her that now they're in this relationship, he has quit.
But she didn't wait to see him quit number one right after the
marriage and turns out because of the kind of friends
kept, and that's a smoking smoking pot. And then they started doing
cocktails of these pills. And you know, unfortunately, he now gets
so
intoxicated and became physical. And she just broke my heart to
hear one of my students was going through this experience. So
immediately I started
as phone calls to her brother, because their parents were no
longer alive, and they now got involved and
out of that environment, Alhamdulillah cases, you're told
to just tough it out. And we'll talk to them. And it's not that
simple, because somebody actually may need rehab, to get rid of some
of the addiction. So
for me, that's why I have to be so intentional about figuring out and
identifying and looking out for, because it has a way of coming
back and rearing its ugly head, if you feel I'll ignore it, or we'll
we'll work through it and so on. So I really overemphasize that.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's going to be in the description of this video in
Sharla. So please do check it out. And, you know, jump in there, and
we apologize for the connection issues. Something has to be done.
I'm not sure what it is. But something has to be done about the
connection.
I think that there's a conversation that we need to have
not today, because I think it's too important for like this, this
kind of poor connection that we have, and maybe we'll bring some
other friends and learned people to have this conversation. But as
a community, and even as individuals and couples, I think
that we were not sure when to call it quits. You you've got those who
are on the one side, no, never,
never write, you never call it quits. It doesn't matter what
happens, doesn't matter what she does, what he does, what the
situation is, you're married, you're married for life, that's
the end of it close the door. There's no more conversation,
right? We've got, you know, examples of families who say
basically, once you leave this house, you don't dare come back.
You know, you've gone to your husband's house, you're not
welcome here.
Right.
You
think another side, that's a million rights? It's not right.
And it's like, you know, basically people giving up on things that
potentially, you know, could be dealt with, as you said, could be
worked through, maybe not even
really big deal.
In the person's
head, it's like, oh,
I can't deal with that anymore. So
got the one side, were doing more now with the way the world. And I
think that as a kind of what circumstances chancellor and
getting help, and at what stage? Is it like know that in this
situation? No. I think that we need to have that conversation,
because I don't think that we're clear. Do you agree? Do you think
that there's like, a lack of clarity there about, you know,
kind of how far is too far? How far is not far enough? You know,
when it comes to holding these marriages together? salutely?
Absolutely. I think a lot of
us in particular, and becoming managers, we have a terminal that
that will say, Oh, manage. And unfortunately, that managing
actually gets taken advantage of you. The boundaries are broken,
because you've chosen to just settle and accept. So for me
amongst the things I always advise is to make sure early on you teach
people to respect you, from your spouse, to your in laws, to even
your children, that you have boundaries, and if they cross it,
such as especially it starts in the beginning where there's maybe
a derogatory way that you are addressed or in a condescending
way that you're not comfortable with, and you ignore it without
addressing it. Unfortunately, you've given a license to say I
can take
This. And then for me, I always emphasize what you don't like
whether it's a joke, snide remark, tactfully, respectfully address
it. Till you know that person understands that, you know, don't
go there again. But unfortunately, one thing I just keep telling
people no matter what, don't sacrifice yourself because of
marriage, that's not marriage in Islam. Where is the moment that
we're athma, which Allah has already said, he has put in us
not, he's going to once we reach a certain level of piety, he says,
he has put love and mercy in our hearts. And if love and mercy is
missing, and on the contrary, you're being broken, you're being
abused, you've been turned into a
dominant and recent marriage, not in any example of Rasulullah,
sallAllahu wasallam example for us know, in the teachings in the
Quran, for who
or what we are meant to do in marriage. So for me, I think this
would be a great conversation to have, and to set up an opportunity
for us to discuss these very important and very sensitive
issues that are destroying families, people will say, Oh,
I'll stay because of the children. But what are they witnessing?
Because I said in that talk that I gave, that our children are our
witnesses, they're gonna go before Allah and said, This is the
example my parents set on what marriage was meant to be like, and
the example you gave of a mother accepting, you know, they have the
husband abused, physically abused, his her, a daughter watching that
they believe that's actually what marriage is meant to look like and
go into another marriage. And when she is being trampled on, she'll
say, that's okay. So I think it would be great if you could do
that.
I agree with you. And I think again, that you know, even the,
the language, for example, if you know, like being a doormat, okay,
this was obviously a thing that came up a lot, especially when the
brothers were talking, because people have different approaches
to how they run their homes, how they run the relationships, as you
know.
And, you know, and even like, when I when I'm thinking, as you're
saying, from our example of marriage, right? Yes, as you say,
we wonder why Rama, this is the standard that Allah subhanaw taala
sets, right? This is the ideal scenario. But more than one Rama
looks different under different circumstances, with different
personalities and relationships. So I'm thinking of, for example,
the woman that was carrying I think she was carrying some goods.
And the Prophet SAW Selim offered for her to ride with him. And she
said, No, I will not ride with you because my husband is a very
jealous man. And the ratio policeman UFC, like, I know what
I'm working with, I know what I'm dealing with. I'm not about to do
that right. Now, I think in today's society, the reason I keep
talking about men is because, you know, it's almost like we've
forgotten that, as we talked about, in our interview, that, you
know, men have a degree over us of responsibility. And because of
that, they have they, you can't have responsibility without
authority. That's a fact. Yeah. How can you say, I always tell my
children, if I leave the eldest incharge.
That means you have to listen to your elder brother while I'm gone,
because I can't hold him responsible, if I don't give him
authority to make things happen the way they need to happen. But
that is a two way, it's a two way street, right? You like if I leave
you, you have to accept that he has authority over you in order
for me to be able to give him that responsibility. So similarly,
again, I think making it really clear for people, what does it
mean to be a doormat? Does it mean that if your husband asks you to
get him water and your if you say, yes, you're a doormat? Does it
mean that if he asks you for anything, or he likes things a
certain way and you comply with that, and you are respectful of
his desires, or whatever, you're now a doormat, that man who has
got a standard or an expectation? Is he now a tyrant? Because I
think I have this feeling that in, especially in social media, that's
the picture that's being painted. Any Muslim man that has got any
kind of is even the way Uncle, you know, brothers say he said, you
know, no, like, I'm the leader. I you know, what says, I have to
tell you
the fact that you and Brother side are from Nigeria, and that you
work mainly with Nigerian couples and within them Nigerian context
is very clear. Because brother side does not need to assert
himself. In that scenario. It's very clear of okay, this I'm the
husband, she's my wife. We are a team, but I'm leading the team.
The it's not even a discussion. That's why he hardly ever says
says anything like that. I had to actually push him in the
interview, if you remember to clarify, because in the West, it's
not like that. In the West, there are so many.
So many attacks on male authority on a man, the idea of a husband
being emir, the idea of karma it's, it's under attack and
sisters have an issue with it. That's why a lot of the Western
brothers you find they are a lot more vocal, and they want people
to acknowledge No, no, no, as we say in Zimbabwe, dibaba, I'm the
man, like, don't like don't take this away from me. Because in the
West, these are the conversations that people are having. And people
are saying, like, it's misogynistic, and it's, it's
chauvinist, and it's sexist, and this type of thing. So I kind of
forgotten my point now, but I think that it's, it's, for me, I
was grateful to have an opportunity for people to see
brother side, he has the way of speaking that really, really
speaks to the sisters and puts us sisters at ease. And for them to
know that okay, it's not because he's a doormat, or she's a
doormat, you know, there is an understanding here of what our
last doormat
said
that he is not a doormat, and you're not a doormat, you know
what I'm saying? Like in the relationship that isn't an
oppressor oppressed situation, you know, even though he is the emir,
even though you respect him as your husband, that's not the
dynamic, whereas people expect that, you know, I don't I mean,
I'm going by people's comments and stuff, and and also what I kind of
see, and and the kind of conversations that people are
having, right. And I think, being able to
taking it back to Allah subhanaw taala, like you boasted in the
conversation, and that, you know, brother Saeed said in the
conversation, because as far as he's concerned, it's not even a
conversation. Allah said, it's this way. That's how it is. That's
exactly what you said. That's exactly what Sister Holly said,
that's exactly what all the other wives said. But I think that maybe
for you,
it's not clear how actually revolutionary that actually is.
Because in the West, everybody's making stuff up, where we're
trying to reinvent the wheel, you know, and questioning all our
roles and struggling with these roles, you know, because of our
conditioning because of what you know, what we're used to seeing
what we undo what we've learned, you know, that you mentioned
before about the feminist,
kind of the feminist lens, etc, which we talked about, you know,
several times, it impacts the way that even Muslim women are in
their marriages and the way that the daughters grow up and what
their expectations are and stuff like that. So anyway, I digress.
Let's go back to this premarital training.
So we want to have really rich premarital conversations right
now. I'm gonna ask you for your professional opinion, at what
stage should you invest in having those types of conversations? Do
you have like a list of deal breakers that you go through
first? As in Okay, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Okay, now we can
go to the next level and start to ask the deeper questions. And if
so, what what are some of those deal breaker questions as far as
you're concerned?
Well, early on I actually believe before you go too far you need to
have your loved ones join you in doing some background check
because you don't want to end up going by just your emotions going
best just by your feelings you know we're in love and of course
as they say love is blind. You end up really shooting in the dark if
you think you can go it out on your own because
others look at 10 different perspective to do with it.
You know gives you an opportunity to give those your loved ones who
you know really care who matter who will advise you and sit girl
This does not look good for you or my son. I do not advise this does
not look like it's going to be healthy for you. I think number
one I emphasize and I do have a whole section of deal breakers
reasons why two you should run for dear life times when you are
crossing the line and offending Allah Number one of course it's
when you marry if it's a woman you marry a non Muslim man unfortunate
Lee that is like a no go area so make sure that emotion doesn't
build up to love where you believe you can actually go into marriage
so for me those are like the top no go areas.
But while you're courting us
see certain things like addictions, I think that's also a
deal breaker until they soften, assaulted or you've gotten their
act together. Again, when you find they have severe mood swings, you
know, one minute they seem bubbly, lively, and then all of a sudden
they shut down. These are things that will get worse after the
marriage. We see you put your best foot forward during courtship,
you're on your best behavior. How would these show up now if it's
not Allah telling you to run for dear life. And then there are some
more her another one is health issues such as your
if you are if you have HIV, that is something that you do need to
disclose. However, I'm not saying you're not marriage material,
because this person may be ready to go the extra mile and
understand how to stay safe and how to keep the kids safe if you
choose to have children with the way technology has moved forward
today. Yeah, because some people actually are. They're okay with
that. And another one is your blood group, because you do need
to know if you have sickle cell. And your spouse to be has as well
the risk of giving birth having a child that is a Sickler becomes
high, and that child didn't ask to be born. So I'm not saying don't
go into it, because some are aware, and they decide, you know,
what we love each other so much. And I got I had a case like this,
that I dealt with recently where both of them are
so in love and really believe they are ready not to have their own
biological children, but adopt instead. And that's a decision. I
love the fact that they recognize the effect of having a child and
what it means like a it's almost a sentence of risk of life or death,
and hospital visits. And you know, the pain and anguish of seeing
your loved one suffer. I mean, all those things of being a care
provider for a long, long time, you know, making a decision. So I
go through those real nitty gritty things that you have to be aware
of ahead of time, then I now cover the other thing, you know, you're
you're chatting and you're probably together now and then
suddenly, they cut you off for like two weeks, or you try
reaching them, you don't hear from them, and they just literally fall
off the radar later, you're now important you matter. Those who
are not ready to cut relationships with members of the opposite
gender that you know, this does not look healthy. This is not a
professional relationship. And I don't want it to continue. And
then someone who's extremely possessive. I love that my
husband. You know, I see you're such a jealous husband. He
protects me. He shields me he like Who was that? You know that kind
of?
I love that he likes me feel I matter. And he guards me
jealously. But when one is close mocking you, where are you now?
What are you doing? Who are you with? Where did you go? Let me see
this, let me see that. For me. I think there is some kind of
insecurity from their past that's beginning to show, which if it's
there early, it's going to get worse later, a friend of mine
happened to her were after the marriage, he would never let her
leave the house. And then short she ended up in Florida. And that
was never part of the deal. during courtship, they were able to meet
at restaurants and you know, but all of a sudden, after the
marriage, and I asked her I was like, did you see any warning
signs? She said, You know, he asked, he would ask questions. You
know, like, who brought you here? Who dropped you off? So who's
taking you back? And she'd say her cousin? She's like, but is he
married? Or there's many questions of sensitivity that I feel. So
there are a whole slew of questions that I go into and
pointers of be careful of this. Be careful of that. addictions or
things I feel one needs to complete and talk about previous
relationships, sexual relationships with other partners
talk about it because someone may believe they're getting married
to, let's say, a virgin, it could be the man or the woman. However,
having multiple partners before marriage or having *
before marriage can actually affect your marriage because you
will start comparing and physically promiscuous, if you're
promiscuous before marriage, it is scientifically proven that most
likely you would want to, you know continue testing feeling and
knowing how things are out there because you're not satisfied with
just that one who's supposed to be the Forever After, and so on. So
yeah, there's a whole list of topics. Yeah, guys, the premarital
master class is literally the link is in every description for every
video from the master class.
From the secrets of successful wives conference as well as the
marriage conversation, and it will be underneath this video as well
inshallah once it's published, so please do check it out. This is
exactly what somebody was talking about these questions are from the
most from the premarital masterclass. Now, you know, you
mentioned about addictions. And I just want to jump on that really
quickly. Because what anybody who wants to get married, I guess
needs to understand is that look, you know, do the work on yourself,
first, do the work on yourself. First, we're not just giving this
advice to sisters, this is advice to brothers as well. Because if
you have addictions to anything, guys, *, drugs, alcohol,
cigarettes, whatever it is, you we know, the addiction runs the show,
you're not in control, you're not in control. Because if you were in
control, you could stop like this, right? You have to put in the work
to deserve to deserve that man. And as the man this is why I stand
masculinity conversations I stand men talking to men, older men
schooling the younger men on what it means to be a man. Because if
you didn't learn from your father, if you didn't learn from your
uncles, if you didn't have a healthy example of leadership
right in your life, which let's be fair, and let's be honest,
certainly in the West, many boys are growing up raised by their
mothers, right? And we don't know how to raise men, like a man knows
right, we can try our best. But at the end of the day, we can only
give what we can give. So knowing that you are Allah subhanaw taala
has chosen you for leadership. This is an Amana and it is a
burden of responsibility on you, you have to be doing more work
this situation. Sorry, guys, I'm going to call it out right now,
this situation that we've got our sisters being the ones to be
working on themselves to be educating themselves to wanting to
better themselves, and the brothers are just chilling. It's a
ridiculous situation. And for those of you out there who talk
about the guy, nah, cracy, and you know, feminine centered society.
If you are one of those people who is not working on himself, who is
not trying to actualize himself and become the best version of
himself spiritually, emotionally, mentally, intellectually,
financially, physically, you're part of the problem. I'm gonna
call it that. Because since we know, right, if we've got strong
Muslim men who have worked on themselves, so that they are
worthy of admiration and respect, because most men, that's what they
want, they want to be respected. Right? If you've got a decent
woman, and you are, you're on your purpose, she was going to respect
you, she is going to respect you, she's going to admire you, she's
going to feel great that you chose her. And she's going to get on
your program, and the two of you are going to be able to have a
symbiotic relationship, where the Sitia situation is now is that if
you're a man who Mallesh you're just like, I'm a man. And that's
enough.
Yeah, I get it, you still want the respect. But the problem is, is
that you haven't
shown yourself to be a man who is leading by example, because he has
the vision because he has the insight, because he's been doing
the thinking he's been doing the work, right. So more of us Subhan
Allah, more of us men, our men working on themselves, I think it
will, it will rectify the imbalance because most women I
think we can admit, and you guys can say in the chat, most of us if
our man shows that, that.
What's the word I'm looking for? Initiative, right. He's working
hard. He's working hard for the family, he has the vision of the
family mind, you know, he can see that. He's, he's thought about
this, you know, and he's working on himself. He's working on his
family, you're happy to have a man like that, you know, you're happy
to be with a man like that, as you know, as as you know, as husband
and wife and raising children together and, you know, creating a
legacy for the future. This is something that every woman wants
for a man to be able to just say, Look, I'll take care of it. You
know, but in order for you to be that man, you need to put in the
work for yourself. So that's why I say to the young boys, the young,
the young men, I have different advice for the young women but the
young men, now is the time for you to start building yourself. I say
this to my sons and I say this to other young men, whoever I
encounter, work on becoming the best version of yourself. Be a man
who is her best option. When she looks at you, she's like, Yeah,
that one. That's for me. Okay, that one is for me. All of you
girls, move to the side. Okay, because that one he's for me and
not just because there's love or attraction, but because she can
see a future with you. She can see you're going places she can see
that you've got the vision she
See that? No, no, no, no, no, this guy. He's serious. He's to be
taken seriously. That's what we want for our boys. I don't know.
What do you think you've got boys? So what have you been telling
them?
hamdulillah everything you said is so on point says and I think about
a number of times we organize marriage lectures, marriage
conference
says it's dominated by the women, they now get enlightened, they now
get to know more about, you know what it takes to make a marriage
work. And then the lack of contentment begins. Why? Because
they know what they have at home is not that reality. And they
start to wish for it. So for me, I loved and I think you heard it
share this in one of our previous lectures, where he said he had a
vision for me coming up and raising me to his level. And the
sky is the beginning after that, but at least because he's older
than me by 12 years, obviously, he has more years of experience under
his belt, more knowledge, more wisdom Alhamdulillah he started
reading to me because I refuse to read so he would read boring
historical world history books was or whatever it is. Facts about
places all over the world, which actually I didn't realize what
seeds being planted because right now I could be on any platform
anywhere around the world. But he's he planted enough seeds and
blossom that allowed me to someone earned my respect, because I
looked up to him.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. One, the One to guide me. And then we military
says in some areas, she's my teacher now. Because she passed
me.
Curiosity she's read, I read the book. And I needed him to read it
so that we could speak each other's love language, if I
understand what I need, and what my love languages and looking at
him, I know what he needs, but he doesn't know what I need, there's
gonna be a lot of lack of contentment and sources of
friction, because, you know, you're depositing Euros, whereas
she wants pound sterling or dollars, and so on. So you need to
make sure that you are depositing in the right currency. And, you
know, yes, this issue to do with your question about the boys
Alhamdulillah. For me, I was I have been blessed to have a role
model for a father figure in the home. They see our relationship,
they see how I look up to him, and I say, oh, let's go ask Baba for
his opinion. Or we want to do this. I was like, Let's go ask
Baba, and so on. So and then, of course, Alhamdulillah they see
their father do Shura with me as well, he consults me on making
important decisions. And we discussed the big picture of our
home with the children. So with regard to what kind of you know
how I teach my boys to be men Alhamdulillah is all I can say
Alhamdulillah Allah, Allah while I have a man in the house, that they
can look at and emulate. However, we do talk, and I think I shared
this during our sister session, where I'm raising them to be men
to be responsible to be caregivers, caregivers, providers,
you know, to be governments as well for their spouses, the
shields, you know, their coat of arms, protectors, and strong, I
can give you an example of one of the things in our culture that I'm
wanting to call out big time. Here, especially in the north of
Nigeria, where I'm at, you find that this was not going on when I
was getting married 30 years ago, but when the bride is going to her
husband's home, he just needs to provide the house, whether it's a
rental or a home he built but she has to furnish the whole house.
They do that in Egypt as well, living in Egypt as well. It's
their wife's family. Thank you. Yeah. What's making you a man now,
if the wife brings everything and the kitchen sink, you know, it's
just one of those things about take responsibility, and be
responsible. We talked funnily enough today with my younger and
my youngest son, I've got two boys and Hamdulillah. And I was like,
can you imagine your wife bringing a pin to put in this in your house
and say, This is what I'm bringing? They're like, No way. I
was like you
showed that you're the man of the house. You know, she doesn't need
to bring anything but herself. That's good enough. But I think
men taking responsibility and ownership of their responsibility
which Allah is gonna ask them for, you know, they're gonna be held
accountable for that is so critical and you
If one is dropping the responsibility leaving the woman
to bear burdens that are not hers to bear, you are gonna lose face.
You're gonna lose respect. Respect is earned. Yeah, it isn't
enforced. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So that's Yeah, so a few of the
things we're doing. I agree with you. And I think I think there's,
there's the two things here. One is, and again, this message of
what the one I have said, you know, what you've backed up is,
you know, to the men, to especially the young men,
especially the young men who are looking to get married, you know,
Michelle, you know, that we had we did a live in the week before the
conference, and, you know, young guy was there saying, you know,
I'm 23 I'm 24. You know, I can't find anyone to marry, I'll marry
anyone, even an older sister divorced, a single mom, I don't
care. Like obviously, he's, you know, miskeen like he's in, he's
in a bad spot. Now, what people need to understand is that for
young women, when they're 2122 2324 25, that's like their
prime, that's the prime when they have all the choices, right?
That's when mashallah They're beautiful. They're young, they're
useful, they fertile, they all that good stuff, right? They have
the pick of the litter at that age. Unfortunately, guys, the way
the world works is that for boys, it's not the same for boys, for
men, they have to prove themselves as men. So usually a 2122 year old
young man, he doesn't have the pick of the bunch, because people
are judging him on different things. When you're looking at the
for a wife, you know, she She's beautiful. She's just friendly.
She's come from a good family, you like her you get along? Yeah,
yeah, I'll take her with a guy, it's not the same. Because the
father and the family and even the wife, they're looking, can you
protect and provide? Can you lead, right, and typically getting into
a space where you're able to provide financially and even to
lead with this, it takes a bit more time, you don't usually have
that at 2122, you know, you need to be, you know, you need to be
putting in work, you need to be kind of developing
yourself in order for you to get to a stage where now you have the
pick of the bunch because you can provide, you can protect you know
who you are as a man, you know what you're about. So, my point is
that, when we're saying to to young men, work on yourselves
become the best version of yourselves, because by the time
you're ready to get married, and you actually have like, you
actually have a chance of getting married, because you've got what
you need, you will have Inshallah, the pick of the bunch at that
stage, because you have actualized, you know, you are a
man of substance. And that's what, that's what any good woman wants,
she wants a man of substance to be able to look up to. So if you're
still in 2122 23, don't waste your time on marriage apps seriously,
don't waste your time chasing women trying to get them to pay
attention to you, because you don't have what they want. You may
have the sweet words, you may have the nice body even, but you're not
what they want. When it comes to marriage, you don't have it yet.
So instead of using your energy talking to girls and chips in
girls, and you know, on marriage apps swiping left and right, work
on your purpose, develop your deen, right. You know, get your
education, get yourself financially into a good pathway so
that you can provide for a family in the future, you know, get into
shape becomes you know, like strong and fit and healthy.
Inshallah, guys, if you take my advice now, within a couple of
years to three years, when you do decide, okay, I think I have now
if I go to this woman's house, her father is going to take me
serious, he's going to shake my hand, you know what I mean?
Maryam, you know what I mean? Like, where you can, you can now
stand on your on your feet, you know, like with your chest, and
you can say assalamu Alikum, sir, you know, and you can have a
conversation. So, so while we was giving this advice to young men,
it's not a license for, you know, women who are already married to a
man who doesn't have all of that, to disrespect the man and to
compare him and to do all of that. Because really, I think our
message is for everyone to take ownership of their own situation,
me as a wife, you as a husband, me as a wife to be you as a husband
to be take ownership for what you are responsible for. Right? And if
you're already married to somebody, and they're not self
actualized, and they're not this, not that, that's your choice. You
chose that person. Now, what are you going to do? Allah subhanaw
taala brought you guys together, you prayed istikhara the marriage
went through. You're locked in now. Now what are you going to do?
How are you going to behave? Right? How are you going to be the
best version of yourself in the roles that you have to play? How
can you support this man? How can you help lift him up? How can you
be there for him? He is the one you chose. There's no point
looking at someone else's husband and saying, Oh, I wish my
husband's more
like him, he's not your husband, you pay attention to your husband.
So I'm looking at other people's eyes right
now, because just loving the one that you're with
people sometimes because they're looking at other people, and there
was a sister who who left a comment, and she was saying how
she's, she's been married for over a decade. And she's, she's, she's
done, she can't take it anymore, even though she said, he, he has
paid for her children, he has provided for them beautifully. And
she has three children, and she homeschools them. And he's enabled
her to do that. She's very grateful for that. But you know,
he's not as practicing as she would like. So she's out. She
said, I hope that when I marry again, I'll find somebody who
loves the dean and practice it on the inside and the outside. But it
didn't stop there. She carried on with what she was looking for. She
said, I hope to find someone responsible, and kind and and then
there was something else that she said, I'm going to make a video on
this, right? Because for me, the key was, if you had stopped at, I
want somebody who practices the dean,
potentially you could find that person. But once you start to put
responsible, oh, no, let's let's examine that. Because what do you
mean by responsible? Now I'm just guessing I could be wrong, and
Maryam, feel free to shoot me down if you think I've gone down the
wrong pathway. But when I hear a sister who has children, saying
she wants to marry a man who's responsible, I hear her saying I
want him to, to be responsible for me and my children, my kids,
financially and other All right. And in this situation, I want him
to do to fall apart. Because at the end of the day, especially
nowadays, to find a man who is religious as you want, as
practicing as you want, and who is kind Yes, you can do that. Who
likes you, yeah, that you can find that person. But then to also
expect him to be just as financially responsible as your ex
to be as invested in your children as your ex to be as committed to
homeschooling as your ex was.
You're setting yourself up? I did you think I'm being pessimistic?
Sis? I just think no expectations? Absolutely, absolutely. I think
that is such an important thing. And you don't want this person
that you may be courting, who is responsible to feel that's really
why you're going into this relationship, because you want
just, you know, somebody to take over responsibility for your kids.
So that's a very sensitive thing. There are some good men out there
who are ready to take everything lock, stock and barrel. And
there's a lady that I was talking to who actually said, I really
believe the kind of love that my new husband is showing my children
is far more than their own biological father ever had for
them. And she has two girls, and they look so like her. They are
like a spitting image of her. And I really was touched when I heard
how beautiful, you know, the relationship was in few in a few
cases, you hear of success stories. And you know, she's very
mature and very self aware. And he was on he really they discussed
what you know, they just got into it. So there were no hidden
surprises. But on most in most cases, what you said is so
important, that is not the reality. And it's going to be hard
to find someone who is ready to take on everything. Absolutely.
And I just you know, I mean, of course, it's not for us to tell
anybody stay, go do this, do that. But I just think that at least if
you're you have a realistic picture of what's out there,
because my thing was this, okay.
What are the chances of finding an eligible man? When we say
eligible, what do we mean? He has got Dean, he's got character and
he's got money. Basically, right? He can afford a family. Yeah. And
he's, he's a good guy. He's a nice guy, whatever. And, you know, he's
got his Dean, you know, he's practicing and he ticks those
boxes.
They're not a dime a dozen anyway. Yeah. And then to find them
unmarried. Most men who are like 40, who are financially stable and
I'm practicing are married unless they've just gone through a
divorce. Right? But most of them will be married. So even when I
hear sisters saying that, Oh, polygamy No, no, no, no, no. But
you want someone who's established. You want someone who
is you know, happy to take on like more family etc. Those guys are
lot of them are married, because, you know, they got snapped up, you
know beforehand. And they, you just they're not hanging on trees,
basically, they just don't grow on trees. So understanding that many
of us are looking for an upgrade. As I said before, when we leave
our marriages that are less than satisfactory, as far as we're
concerned, we're looking for an upgrade. But what we need to
understand is that it's not as simple as that, you know, you even
may find a relationship that in you yourself, you are happier in
that relationship, right? That's possible. But you have to know
that you're going to make compromises in some areas in the
relationship and your children are likely not going to feel the
euphoria that you feel because it's a very, very different
experience for them. Because sometimes, even when the new
stepfather is a better father figure than the original, it's
harder even for the kids, because they hate the fact that you're
better that they're their own dad, you know what I'm saying? Because
really, they wanted their mom and dad to stay together, they didn't
want them to get separated, you know, especially if the house was
a just a normal house, it wasn't like violent or anything. It just
was normal. They wanted to be able to see their dad every day, they
wanted to be able to wake up and have Weetabix with him.
Like chill on the weekend with him and even hear them, you know, do
whatever they do. That's what the children wanted. So even though
the adults were not happy, the children are like, look, as long
as you guys just behave normally, we're happy in this situation. So
you may have moved on, as the woman emotionally and you've made
a connection with somebody else. And you may be very happy with
this person, trust and believe your children do not feel the
same. Because it takes it's a different journey for them, you
know, they're navigating something different. So I guess it's just
about being realistic, really. And just managing expectations. And
knowing that I probably won't get everything on my list. So what is
the most important thing on my list if I really want to be
married, and then you know, move accordingly, I guess Subhanallah
but I know that in the marital class, the premarital class, you
talk about even like when to walk away, you talk about sort of
remarriage? So it's like the whole, the whole journey. And it's
like, over 70 videos, is it? Yeah, 72 videos. And it reminds me of
the section where I cover realistic expectations and having
a realistic wish list. And that's where what you're just talking
about gets covered because there is no bespoke spouse out there
custom designed, you know, with all the right qualities.
Really, I mean,
introduce yourself.
But you would need to have realistic expectations and certain
things you're not willing to compromise. That's why I have, you
know, things you like things you want, and things you definitely
don't want. And of course, that's where those warning signs those
things to look out for, like they don't take their faith or their
prayer seriously, that might be a deal breaker for you. That's why
having a realistic wish list is very, very important. And I guide
you through the process of knowing this. I just wanted to add because
we've not even mentioned that we've got couples who are married
who are both going through the course. And I think I shared this
in the previous episode, because
when I asked a couple of I had been married for about 16 years,
like why are you two taking this course after being married for so
long? They're like, well, we've been miserable for 16 years, and
we wanted to go back and see what we've missed. Funny enough, I sent
an email when I knew you and I were going to have this
discussion. I sent an email three days ago to the lady to ask you
know, so how are things going? And she said it's been an emotional
roller coaster because those questions about her spouse's
background and he asked her about her background, things that they
had not they'd never discussed came up and she said, they are
beginning to know each other better. But you know, some of the
truth is a bit hard to digest. So you know, it's a bit of tension,
but she is so confident that they're moving forward to into new
territory, you know, uncharted territories where insha Allah
she's optimistic that you know insha Allah they will be all right
I was so beyond pleased about that. Alhamdulillah Allah we love
that so we know guys that the premarital masterclass is for
brothers as for sisters, it's for those who are, you know, engaged
or even just thinking about being married, it's for if you are
already married, if you've come out of a marriage, literally,
there is something in there for everyone. So, you know,
subhanAllah I'm shocked that your website has not been inundated
with inquiries, guys. I don't know what you're doing.
Doing sleeping? How much is it CES? Because I know people are
like, Oh, should I pay money? How much is it? Let's let's talk about
this. Is it 1000 pounds? It's $1,000.
You mean to tell me, way, way, way way, you mean to tell me that this
the 72 videos, right that are suitable for before the marriage
during the marriage after a marriage for brothers and sisters,
it's all online, okay, you have lifetime access to the videos. And
it could actually literally save your marriage will help you to
choose the right person for the rest of your life, you're telling
me doesn't cost 1000 pounds?
No, it cost us $100. And 100 may sound steep for some but while I
key there is nothing more important than investing in
yourself and insha Allah in your future. When we're getting ready
for the wedding, we're ready to pull out all the stops, we go into
debt, we go into bankruptcy to make sure we impress everyone with
what we wore, what we look like, what we put in our homes. But to
be honest, after all, the confetti has fallen down, and you now
settle into your daily lives. And the crowd is gone all the
congratulations. To be very honest, you're gonna really pray
to Allah that you knew what you went, you know that you invested
in yourself, and you go into marriage with the realistic
expectations needed. It's not honestly because I created this
course. But this is like the biggest labor of love. And I have
exhausted every last bit of what I believe my children, if I want to
live today would need to know before they get into marriage,
everything including rights and responsibilities, which is a very,
very important thing because we're getting married because Allah
wants us to get married. Yeah, but we're also going to answer to him
if we don't do what we're supposed to. So it is so important to take
this course as sister Emma said, even if you're married, because
you will find out some you will get some unique gems, some special
gems to add to what you already have, or hopefully, undo and redo
relearn new things that you can introduce in your relationship.
And the last section in my course, is pearls of wisdom from our 30
years of marriage, where I share all the best things that we did to
build the beautiful relationship Alhamdulillah that's it and I
share today. So I've given my all my heart and soul to me almost 20
years to produce this. And I really believe it's gonna change
the narrative. So many have already enrolled. And I pray you
do because I believe it will be of benefit in Charlotte 100%. And
really, if you're looking at it in terms of you know, like you said,
what people will spend just on a wedding dress, which I'm sorry to
burst anyone's bubble, but your wedding dress and the money that
you spend on your walima and your wedding and everything. It's not
an investment, it's just an expense you spent it hopefully the
walima you may get some reward for it. But as for your wedding dress
and all these things, if you were thinking of spending more than 100
pounds on your wedding dress, you should definitely take that 100
pounds and spend it on the premarital course because it will
benefit you way way more than you know those Yeah, anyway, those
guys you know how much people spend on wedding dresses. Yeah, so
we're not gonna call anybody out here so yeah, I gotta add
something my boys have both sat down and talked about this thing
because they are also so disgusted with these opulent weddings and
brides that don't look like the woman they caught it because she's
got cakes of cluster and makeup on her face and you practically don't
recognize her anymore. So they said Mama what we would like is
for us to find the stream or the little river quiet river with a
weeping willow let's throw a mat on the floor call the email.
Family intimate no more than 20 people
I love that idea and to be very honest with you system. So Eden I
would do this in a heartbeat. Insha Allah so we pray Allah
guides them to find the right spouses, but it's not about that
event. It's about your marriage. Really. It's about the long haul
and that's where all your energy should be put in they said oh,
well we were just t shirts and a pair of jeans
No, no no, no, no no stop right there.
Okay, I was with you up until the river and the weeping willows and
the Imam and the family I was with you we were together but t shirt
and the T shirts please. Auntie Auntie draws a line. No, no, no,
I'm drawing a line right? Yeah, we need
a nice simple agbada Or like you know just it doesn't have to be
crazy.
To funny you know, I bet that you we will make we will give you a
special national you know, on a Nigerian
You
guys bring bring something bring us something not t shirt and jeans
we draw the line all right guys listen it's
it's been amazing mashallah thank you for joining me Maryam always
sister Maryam I always love to be able to just be in you know in
discussion with you and share the space with you. Thank you for
being our first Sunday night livestream guest and for those of
you who attended live thank you so much it's been super cool and
hopefully we brought up some I think we did we brought up some
some some really good points for discussion. And I think that we've
we're starting to see the shape of the next event inshallah I think
it's going to be really good. And these conversations I think
they're not like a once a year thing. This is something people
are working through literally on a daily basis. People are getting
married everyday people unfortunately getting divorced
everyday people are being married every day. So we need to continue
having these conversations, learning supporting each other,
rectifying ourselves recommitting to our families insha Allah Tala
Kula for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala. So sis, guys, the
link for the premarital masterclass is in all my videos.
So if you go and watch any videos, open the description, you'll see
the link there. I will also add the description to this once it is
published. Go and check it out, you know, 100 pounds, I don't want
to shame anyone. But like I said, if you were going to spend 100
pounds or more on a wedding dress, or a wedding suit, or shoes, or a
limousine, or flowers or henna, those of you living in the UK I've
no excuses whatsoever, because I know how much it costs to get
bridal makeup done. And like you said, sis, the bridal makeup that
people are getting as well it just makes people look like a
completely different person. So rather save your 100 pounds, you
know you're going to spend more but just save that money, invest
it in
pre med
school classes because this to be honest, I'm not saying this
because you've created them training ourselves before
marriage.
And having these conversations before marriage is one of the
things that we can do as a community to really to cut the
divorce rate to cut the number of unhappy marriages people getting
the training beforehand doing the work upfront doing the heavy
lifting Yeah, it's just you know, you've got a clear head you've got
a clear heart you know what you're doing you know what you're about
and you just they're doing it and hopefully enjoying the process
being in love that's that's what I say
sure, insha Allah Absolutely. You have said it all so I'm not going
to add to what you said because I'll begin gilding the lily so
even 100 pounds so it's not up to 100 balance. Exactly. Now
hopefully inshallah you guys will go on there and share the link
with your friends do you know anyone who's getting married
looking to get married who is my share that link we're gonna email
it out as well and Sharla to the list, but for now guys, I think
that wraps up our Sunday Night Live Stream and look out for a new
episode of the marriage conversation dropping on Friday.
It is with the coaches, Fatima Nyla and coaching is here and it's
a really really good one. I think you guys are gonna enjoy it a lot.
And in the meantime keep sharing the videos keep commenting on the
videos. Keep the conversation going and make sure you check out
the premarital masterclass inshallah sister Miriam, love you
for the sake of Allah I'll see you on the next one isn't Allah
Subhana Allah
shadow hola hola, hola and West Africa to be like someone like
everyone