Naima B. Robert – Successful Wives Day 3 Divorcees, Remarriage and Feminism
AI: Summary ©
The importance of step-pairing and blending families for women who are married and have children is emphasized in various settings, including the shift in men's behavior towards divorce and divorce behavior, the importance of women in society, and the need for intervention and support. The speakers emphasize the need for women to find a male role model to attract women and create a stable work environment, and emphasize the importance of building one's own in order to be successful in relationships. The speakers also stress the need for women to find a male role model to attract women and create a stable work environment, and emphasize the importance of finding affordable and a doctor for every woman. Procrastination and procrastination are also emphasized, and the importance of finding a doctor to help humanity and treat every woman.
AI: Summary ©
Ready to go live guys? sha Allah
just check the arrow key on that end. And then we come back in the
room
Hamlet in La Habra. Alameen
There we go. We are live and hamdulillah Somali come everyone
Salam Aleykum Selam Aleykum Selam Aliko welcome everybody to day
three. So excited to have another day with you again Masha Allah, Al
Hamdulillah I've got my lovely speakers already in the room, I'm
going to add them in sha Allah.
And yeah, just really, really good to see everybody and handed in,
let me know how things have been for you. What have been your
favorite parts of the conference? So far? My show we've had you
know, we've had a fair number of talks. A fair number of talks,
Masha, Allah,
you know, I will not ask you to pick a favorite because I think
that'll be quite hard, but which ones have stood out for you the
most would you say today mashallah, our session we're
starting off with is, as I said, step parenting, blended families
and other adventures and we're going to be talking really to the
the whole process of the other side of a marriage. Whether it's
being a divorcee or it's navigating, remarriage and the
challenges that come with that. I'm looking forward to another
another panel of truth bombs, to be honest another panel of you
know, just honest conversation
where everybody insha Allah gets to be open and honest and
hopefully guide you not all of us to yeah to have to have a really
healthy perspective inshallah my lovely guests if you want to put
your videos on I need to give you permission to do that don't tie so
let me make your co hosts as well because we know that my connection
has been a bit shaky. So if Lakota Allah I drop off please don't wait
for me The show must go on. Just keep it moving. That's what
everybody has been doing. You know, since we started Russia,
Allah Issa lovely to see Russia Allah.
Yay. It's been it's been just over a year since we shared this space
because we were together a year ago Masha Allah just over a year
ago for another conference. Ma sha Allah is Khadija SonicOS is the
Salado.
Everyone's here with sha Allah do you guys want to unmute and let's
hear you and then make sure that I'm not too loud compared to you
guys. Sorry. The labor Kathy who was lovely to be here and all of
your presence on the law worked together? I'm excited about this.
Slumber alikoum
Great to be here hamdulillah is the name are great to see you
again. And Sister raisin sister Khadija Nice to meet you.
hamdulillah
everyone coming here from Down Under Australia. I'm so happy to
be here hamdulillah
Can you hear me okay?
Yes, guys, I will need you to comment about connection because
my connection is all over the place. So sometimes I hear people
sometimes I don't sometimes I'm just like nodding like as if I can
hear what they're saying. But the connection is so bad my end. So
please, in the chat guys, let us know if anybody is you know is is
is not it's not being clear in sha Allah. Okay, so
right. I'm going to start recording Inshallah, from my end
is somebody else recording this somebody click Record.
Phantom.
I did. Guilty. You did. Okay, let's, let's start again.
Inshallah. I'm going to record it to the cloud from here so we can
start properly.
And we'll have a Yeah. Allah. Yes. Okay, great.
Okay, so a little bit of housekeeping Inshallah, before we
get started, guys, please make sure if you're watching on
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people. Okay, feel free to use the chat in there, you know,
subhanAllah throughout this whole process throughout this whole
weekend, the YouTube chat has been an amazing place. You know,
sometimes live stream chats can get a bit crazy. All ones have
been beautifully supportive, even in some of the topics that were
quite emotional. Everybody kept their cool everybody has been
super respectful and supportive and very honest. And I love that
actually, we're enjoying reading the sword on YouTube, Mashallah.
So please feel free to comment in the chat guys. You know, pay
attention and comment and, you know, keep the engagement going on
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have a picture of where we are right now. Put on your socials and
let people know where you are. And you know please please please do
share take aways, from the sessions with with the people
around you no matter how big or small your circle is, trust me
there are people who need to hear this so in sha Allah please be one
of those that passes on the field in sha Allah to Allah will take a
couple of oh, we will not even take a minute but yeah, please
inshallah everybody do that. Okay, are we ready ladies?
No, we're not because everyone's still taking pictures
all righty
Okay, this one I'm gonna get started in Sharla
Bismillah salam Wa alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh welcome
to day three of the success secrets of successful wives
conference.
It's been an amazing two days and we are starting off on a third day
of awesomeness insha Allah with a very much needed panel discussion
on the journey after an initial marriage, often initial marriage
as either due to widowhood or divorce, and what happens
afterwards whether it is life as a divorcee negotiating remarriage
the life inside of the marriage in terms of step parenting, blended
families etc. I really truly believe that we don't talk about
these enough. We have certain talking points that are very
common either pro or against, but the the details and the realities
of this journey. I don't think that we have enough open honest
discussions about them. So I have my wonderful guests who are all
Subhanallah experts in their own ways, and they're going to tell
you Inshallah, but I know that I invited them on here because they
are going to give you guys such a perspective Inshallah, that
probably you've never heard before you never seen before. So I'm
super excited. So sister isa, Salam Alikum. Tell us a little bit
about you and what you do.
Why don't so I'm gonna have to lie about a cat to who I'm already
assigned to Allah. I am the divorced Muslim. I coach and I
support a woman to heal after their divorce and in a way that
they become closer to Allah and to elevate in their character in this
life and the next through taqwa and the local
mashallah, is EcoLog Hayden so good. Khadija and Condor family
calm. Tell us a bit about yourself.
I can everyone my name is Khadija asador. I am an awakened and
thrive motherhood expert. So I'm a degree qualified parenting coach.
I have a mother of five boys and I
have been helping mothers to reclaim themselves to
rediscover themselves basically, and to reclaim their self love and
their conscious parenting and come back to their connection to their
true place that they are from the true connection to love. And I
have 24 years of marriage or two marriages. So it's been a journey
to America. So let's delay we'd love to hear from you as well as
salam aleikum wa rahmatullah everyone.
My name is Allah testily. I, mother of I usually break up the
number of kids I have one biological child.
Three boys, if you count what someone called my bonus children,
and then hundreds more, because I'm a teacher. I've worked in
secondary school since 2020 2003. Yeah.
What do I do I teach, I also coach and mentor, the head of training
and development in the school where I work. And a lot of what I
do revolves around character building and development and
trying to live a meaningful life, live a life that has life, we can
put it that way. And route all that one does in Islamic spirits
and on understanding of Islam, being a Muslim everyday, whether
that has to do with one's job or dealing with life coping with live
and trying to just be real from moment to moment. I've been
married twice. widowed, then I got married again. So total of about
since 2006, the year of my first marriage, so that's about 2020
something years. So hamdulillah happy to be here.
Under the law, thank you so much for being here. And you know,
obviously, we're having a conversation about divorce
widowhood, step parenting because
So all of you have been through that we've all actually been
through this journey. And I was actually surprised at the number
of other speakers as well, who some of them have been married
1015 20 years, but were divorced before that, including Mufti Menk,
which we talked about in the interview the other day.
SubhanAllah. So, you know, I guess the first question I would like
to, for us to have, you know, a conversation as about is, you
know, from your vantage point, what are the major challenges that
women face when they on the other side of a divorce or a widowhood?
And they're contemplating getting married? Again, from your
different vantage points? What are the major challenges that they
face?
Racing, you know, we're looking at you because you're the coach.
All right, let's kick us off. I know, you've got the whole list,
you could residually write the book on this.
Yeah, so hamdulillah from my own experience, and supporting other
women through this, I feel like when women,
a lot of us don't, when we're in when we're in a marriage, we're
almost all primed and conditioned our whole life as we grow up to be
a wife, you know, and to be a mother. And that's what we focus
on. And then when that when that ends, the marriage ends, and now
you're single again, whether you have children or you don't you. So
many of us don't know who we are. So we're either trying to grasp to
find ourselves, and to see whether, okay, sometimes I think
women a lot of times are hesitant, and okay, will I repeat the same
patterns? Will I you know, end up with the same type of person, I
think that's a huge fear, especially for women who
want to be in a in a in a marriage and a relationship. Again, there's
this, there's this challenges of what if I end up in the same type
of situation? And I think that's a that's a really big, big one,
because we have started identifying ourselves to our
roles, such as wife, such as mother, and we are not, we don't
we haven't been taught how to separate us as a individual female
servants of God first. And so we tie our identity to the, to those
roles of wife, mother daughter, right. And we and we lose
ourselves. And I'm saying we because I found the same
experience. And this is the experience that women that I've
worked with have shared with me. So I think it's the
finding yourself,
how to know that you won't have a repeat performance.
You know,
making sure that
whoever you end up marrying is going to be good for you and your
children if you have children, because that's a huge
responsibility as well. That's another, I think, a big challenge.
And I think that's the biggest fear. And then in within that
there's another fear of, am I going to be alone my whole life? I
think a lot of times when women women get separated, it's such a
as a Muslim woman. In our culture, it's really, it's a challenge to
live life on your own whether you have children or not, because
that's, you know, marriage is half our deen. Right? So
I think it's having the fears of am I going to be alone for the
rest of my life? And then, am I going to repeat the same type of
performance? Or will I attract the same type of partner I think is
the biggest things and how, what will happen to my kids in this
scenario, with the decisions that I'm making?
Mashallah, I'm sure the rest of the ladies can can add to this.
Yeah, it's a free flowing conversation. So Bismillah
Fidella, please, are in some of the challenge about experience
where I've done some work with the women I've worked with, I've
worked with a lot of divorce the woman is exactly all the things
that already said mentioning, it's up because you're gonna place all
the channels, we've just had the breakdown of the marriage, there's
definitely a sense of transitioning to something,
there's a healing process, there's a grieving process. There could
be, you know, there's certain beliefs and ideas and put downs or
whatever, there's sub a lot of stuff going ahead at that time. At
that time. You feel lost, you can feel like you just failed at the
marriage, because, you know, and like what race are staying where
we, we, you know, many women stay in marriage marriages because
marriage, you know, stigmatized and so many women have said to me,
I'm staying in the marriage because I don't want to be a
divorce thing. And so the whole cultural conditioning, the idea
that we've had culturally I've had women who've stayed in marriage
because you know, we
but because their parents wanted them to know what will people
think. So there's so much going on sometimes when you're going
through that divorce process, and then you're kind of in this place,
and then you reclaiming yourself having to then share some of the
beliefs, ideas, unspoken rules, messages that other people have
kind of put on to you and say, Wait a minute, what do I need, and
what is what is my most important connection and relationship, which
is the lowest amount of that. So almost like whole awakening
process, because everything shifts in a lot, and everything shifts
for the children. If you have children in that process, I think
it to me, it's a place where you will get lost. And you've got to
just kind of stop for a pause, and then
really assess yourself, who you are, and come back to who you are,
and exactly what race has said so many things. Sorry, for years,
you're going to end up alone, financial years, especially if you
didn't have a good financial income, or I knew I know, I'm
worried about my boys income. And because the father wasn't
supporting them financially, I was a huge worry and fear, you know,
something about really anxious at night about you know, many nights
worrying about, you know, the finances and how am I going to
juggle work and juggle meeting their needs, as well as grieving
the process of failing at a marriage. And then the idea of
even moving on. And so and there's so many unfortunate connotations
that are put to us as women when we're in the divorce stages,
especially those of us who are single mothers that were you know,
it was us towards me, I so many comments that you get with people
will make those comments. So there are a lot of challenges. It is a
very, very
hot period.
So panela 100% agree with you so lotto. I think, you know, you and
I both know that the journey sort of after losing a husband, and
becoming a widow is slightly different. What would you say that
the challenges that widows face would be?
I would like to start by saying
the John is slightly different. But in many ways, John is not the
same. Because there is always that sense of grieving. It's just
sometimes if you're widowed, then people give you permission to
grieve. It's okay. But if you are divorced, see, there might be
other questions such as What did you do wrong? Was it your fault,
wasn't it your fault, but there's always that sense of something
that was precious to you is not there anymore. And so there's
always that sense of something is broken or missing. And Sister is
and sister Khadija talked about that sense of being lost and
feeling adrift. Some of the challenges that you might then
start facing is pressure, pressure to remarry. For some people,
depending on the culture, the circumstance, your family, and
backgrounds, there might be that pressure to marry again. And one
thing that divorcees and widows phase is learning how to deal with
that pressure, learning how to find a way to not give in to the
pressure from other people to rush up and get married. Another
challenge that they face, especially when they are
considering marrying, again, is how to handle the past. What I
mean is,
if maybe someone is divorced, you're coming with stuff that came
from that divorce, divorce is always a difficult journey from
those ladies I've spoken with who've been divorced, there's
always it's very hard for it's not to be a colonial state not to be
for there not to be some bitterness. And you come with
that, if you're widowed, and the marriage was great, you still come
with the fact that this was a great marriage, and it ended
against my real I didn't see it coming and I didn't expect it. So
you've got that past with you. Now, when you're going to marry
again, you'll even find in some cultures, they will actually say
don't take anything from your past with you. So you've got to have a
whole new wardrobe, you've got to don't go with anything from a
previous marriage or life. Now that is even tolerable because you
couldn't probably go out and buy new clothes and new utensils and
new furniture. But you even find in some places the issue of what
part of your pasts to bring along might be your children. What are
you going to do with your kids when you're going to going into
this new marriage this new home? In some cultures, there is an
understanding that for a woman, you don't take a child from a
previous marriage to your new marital home, your child goes
somewhere else. If you divorce, then the child can go back to
their father or go to your extended family and even where the
culture is not. That's not the culture. It's always an issue on
the table. That what happens with the kids. Another thing about
dealing with the past is
if we look at women who've been divorced, they are definitely fit
things that went down that were in tribes in their previous
marriages? Do they come with a lessons from the past without
necessarily bringing the past with them? Learning? What is the lesson
I meant to learn? And how do I bring that lesson with me forward
without staying stuck in the past, there are also those assumptions
that we carry forward with divorcees or with women, some
assumptions about how a man is going to be how the marriage is
going to be. Some people say, Okay, I've been married before he
did this, he did that he did that I know. Now, I'm never going to
let it happen. Again, I know all the signs. And once this new
person acts a certain way, it's like,
yeah, this is how it started. So we also have these assumptions.
And you have to know, am I reading the signals? Right? Am I seeing
this person? Clearly? Or am I seeing this person through the
prism of my ex husband? More? My late husband, especially if your
late husband was a great guy? Am I going to keep measuring? So it's,
I think there's a lot around that handling the past, and the present
and the future? And what do you bring with you, and what do you
leave behind. And I think sometimes people don't understand
this aspect of the struggle, it's just leave it all behind. When I
got widowed, I had my late husband's picture up on my, in my
office, it was on the wall, I had this picture as my DP, and a few
people tried to tell me, you've got to take it down now, because
you're planning to remarry. And I really didn't know how to explain
to them that
you don't have a flip of a button, you don't have a switch for switch
of the old life on switch on the new, you don't have a switch that
there is a process you've got to go through. And people telling you
do this or don't do that, which is also part of the pressure I
mentioned earlier, doesn't always help. Yeah, it's all the
challenges
Subhanallah, you know, just as you were mentioning about the picture,
and I think what's common to what we've you know, you've all said is
this need to heal
is to need to heal from this the the the impact of this loss,
right? Whether it was wished for or not, you know, maybe you asked
for the divorce, maybe you pushed for it, maybe you didn't want it
at all. And usually in terms of widowhood, you didn't ask for it,
but maybe the marriage was wonderful, maybe it wasn't I know
sisters who've lost their husband, at the time when the marriage, bad
place. And then now for this person and the you know, they're
in it. And it's, you know, it's a different, it's a different
dynamic. But I think the need for for acknowledgement, that there is
healing work to be done, that, that you're definitely carrying
some baggage, right, you're carrying on fear from this
relationship. And maybe it's a good idea to see what that baggage
is, what it's looking like, where it's coming from, and try to get
rid of as much of it as possible before you move on. And like you
said, as a Salah to, you know, different cultures have different
ideas, don't they? Really, so I'm sure you're aware of this,
different cultures have different ideas about what is appropriate
for a divorcee or, or the woman so so like the you and I talked about
this on Instagram Live where in your culture in Nigeria, you know,
if you lose your husband, I believe that the hope and the
wishes you will marry again, like, quickly.
Don't be sitting here. Like we you know, get married, you know, and
so we'll find some food.
I know others, it's a complete taboo for a widow to talk about
getting married can you know, it's actually something disgusting
almost, to consider, you know, to talk about being married again, as
a woman. And it's the same with divorces. In some cultures, if
you're divorced, they want you to find someone as soon as possible
or they find someone for you. And in other cultures, you're a
pariah, nobody wants to talk to you. Nobody wants to is interested
in you in shape, size, or form. So we've got these different
cultural, sort of, you know, tendencies. But I think the need
for healing is something that is is is really something standard
across all cultures. So what would you say then? How?
And actually, I think one of the challenges that a lot of divorces
face especially the seas, not so much widows, I think, but divorces
do and of the stigma.
And the difficulty of the fact that your options in terms of
remarriage are maybe not the same as they were when you first got
married. And I think that that can come as a disappointment to a lot
of sisters is that the like, you know, you want someone better than
what you had, especially if it was a difficult marriage. You want
somebody who's better than what you had. So if your husband was
abusive, you want someone who's not a B
So right if your husband
intends you will be married for sure. You're hoping for somebody
who is going to be an upgrade from your previous relationship. But
unfortunately, especially if it's, you know, several years down the
line, I think it is a challenge for a lot of divorcees to find
that the pickings are kind of slim. And the ideal that you now
realize would be your ideal. That can be hard to find that can that
can be hard to find. But then how can we equip ourselves then? For
I'd love to hear from each of you. How can we equip ourselves to be
able to do the healing work to manage expectations? How did you
and I have talked and talked about this? How can we equip ourselves
so that we are best placed to remarry, choosing the right
person, and a marriage that will last? Right, because we know that
the second and subsequent marriages have a higher failure
rate than first marriages, statistically speaking? So how can
we, you know, how can we equip ourselves to not only be in the
best place to be married, but to know the right person to look the
right things to look for? And then how to be in that marriage so that
it actually is a marriage that lasts in sha Allah? What are your
thoughts on that?
You know, such a polite panel today, Mashallah. Everybody's
waiting.
Sister Nyima, my beloved, as I was listening to you talking about
when you when a woman is looking to get married again, and she is
aspiring, and she has hopes for a partner that is better than the
experience that she had before. Right.
There's his hope. And then there's also this fear at the same time.
And what I would say is that for the woman, as a woman to take that
time, to check in with herself, and Allah at the same time,
because in order to in order to attract and have that upgrade,
that as you said, you know, for the next partner, have you
upgraded?
asking yourself that question, wait a minute, how did I show up
in this marriage? Can I be better? I mean, what will it what will
that look like for me? What will it take? What do I need to work
on? Because I think we get so stuck on the other person having
all these faults, and being the problem, we need to pause and
check back into ourselves.
And part of this is that that level of conscious awareness that
this idea talks about a lot, right and how I like to describe it as
like this level of self awareness. self consciousness, is the key to
having God consciousness, which is Dakhla. Because without Taqwa of
Allah in your life, you're not gonna be able to have Taqwa of
Allah in a relationship, you know, such as one that fulfills half
your need.
And so I think that,
as sister Salatu was saying, is that what lessons have you
learned? What have you learned about yourself, that you can bring
as an upgrade to your next relationship? And, and to speak to
the point, so there needs to be some reflection, some healing,
some processing, some, you know, getting the support that you need
to help you because none of us can really do this on our own. Because
can we be honest with ourselves in the way that is required to find
those answers? And I think that's really, I think we all need help
and support with that. Because it's easy to deflect, and it's
easy to blame.
And that look at the self. I think one of the other things that I
wanted to mention was that
it can be feel really disheartening when you look at the
situation and the circumstance and of what's around us. However,
when we see what is around us, it doesn't necessarily mean that is
truth. It's how we're perceiving things. But Allah is the one who
controls everything, right? And Allah is the One who can send the
one the right person for you. So Allah spent Allah tells us also
that he's not going to change our condition unless we change what is
within ourselves and that's what I was talking about. And so
having that per that outlook and that hope and Allah that He you
are worthy of that you are deserving of having you know, the
perfect partner for you are the one that you deserve.
And that Allah can give it to you, even if there's nobody out there
that you can see. It's not about what you can see it
But it's about what Allah can give you any and how you think of allah
how you perceive Allah, your relationship with Allah. And I
think that is the first part and of the pause the self reflection,
the self assessment and asking yourself what is it that you have
to offer? You know, how are you shifted? How have you change? And
can you show up as that high level Muslim Ah, so you can meet this
high level man
jumped on some of my buzzwords there just want to just jump in to
say what you said about upgrading yourself. And I like that you
paired it with Taqwa.
Because we know and many of us have have had this experience of
going through a divorce and leveling up. But our Leveling up
is maybe work wise, career wise, right, we start to become this
amazingly successful woman. Mashallah, hoping I think that we
will qualify for a really successful man, now that we are,
you know, this, we are this woman, right?
Obviously, men look for different things, and men are looking for
different things in a wife. And I think, I think it's important for
sisters to realize that, that if a man chooses to marry you,
especially taking you on with your children, it's not because you're
this amazingly successful woman that he admires, because men don't
marry because they admire your professional qualifications and
your professional aspirations. They admire you as a person and as
a wife. Right? So upgrading as a wife and as a human being and as a
slave of Allah. Don't forget that that's the thing that allows you
to kind of, you know, I don't know what the word is, but a person
chooses based on that not on how amazingly you've done on your
social media channels, or like how much money you've made even right.
I think Inshallah, yeah, I think to add to that, go ahead. Go
ahead. It's really about how do you define success? When we say
success? What makes a person successful? And then we have to
really understand what is your definition of success? Because
that's going to be different for different people. And you want to
be able to match yourself up the people who are in alignment with
your answer and your definition of success.
100% I did you go ahead you I jumped in when you wanted.
I think also that we can't forget that some women, especially those
who've gone through domestic violence or abuse or,
or different things that women go through in a divorce is that
the up leveling doesn't? Many, you're in such a survival mode.
And so the whole idea of up leveling things a lot. So while I
agree, yes, there is that process of up leveling, and that is a
journey in itself. For many women, it is that time of just
acknowledging what have they just gone through and to like, like Ray
said, that self discovery and acknowledgement and going through
the grieving process of the things that they went through an a
shedding process, carvaka, surrendering and letting go
process or reading a flow of some of the messages, beliefs,
triggers, attachments, codependency, some of the
behaviors and patterns that haven't heard them. And that is
definitely a conscious awareness journey. For many, many of us only
learn our true healing and our true understanding of ourselves in
relationships. So definitely, when I walked into my second marriage,
I was not 100% Healed in no way. But I had done some some some
ability I had worked on some I was consciously aware enough to be
aware of what I didn't want in a marriage and and what was the red
flags that I didn't want in a second marriage? But then Well,
number one thing that made a huge difference, and I think I've seen
this with the women that I've worked with, and exactly what
we're sort of saying, because of that, that really reliant on the
expectation that we have a lower class, this is the time the most
and I see women do this all the time when they say they want to
remarry, they get really focused on articulate it really focused on
the kind of getting out there and being out there. But this is the
most important time that you do the internal connection to always
tell your alliance to Allah this time is like a not another is an
up leveling itself. Like your connection and your expectation of
a lot because always already got the cover is already going to
planning and Allah says you're in places with better you know, he
made that and that was kind of my motto at that time, the all the
replaces was better. And I kept thinking of what Abraham said
there has been a lot more No, Allah sufficient. Allah is
sufficient with or without a man. And I think this is really
important.
because your happiness and your healing is your responsibility.
And a women a lot of women come into national war he
or he will help me to support me, that is a recipe for disaster
because you're expecting another human being to basically do your
own internal work. And, you know, we're human by nature, we want
this belonging, we want to feel validated by we want that sense of
love and connection. But we first blacker Esther said we have to
work on our own internal approval, and we have to connect actualize
mattala Because here's, here's love, doesn't, doesn't His love
and connection doesn't change depending on other humans and
moods, or attachment, what I love human thinks of you, but your
connection to Allah is permanent. Regardless what happens around
you, because we all go before our temporary things will happen. But
connecting to that, and really working on the past is not your
reference point is a huge one. Because many of us, including
myself, were one of the mistakes I would say going into a second
marriage was I was still holding some past thinking or past traumas
with that path, which is okay, I could work through that, right.
But when those passports, contaminate the now basically my
triggers, which triggers are your past moments of past experience of
the past action, when your perception as ever, it's also your
perception of what they did in that moment, when that triggers,
and this happens to so many to Boston, I remember so many because
I work with a lot. And they have to kind of work we were we were
literally have to work with them, I work with them, trying to let go
of some of the patterns that don't serve them anymore. Some of the
thinking that doesn't serve them anymore, I had to go on a huge
journey around not fearing men in my second marriage. And I was
raising unlike the five boys. Yeah, so that was a huge journey.
And to have a real you know, there's a lot of
cultures cultural conditioning, that social media conditioning
that is kind of sent out subconsciously, just about more.
And so we can and one of the best advices upon Allah, I went to a
three days.
Most of our conference, it was women, prophets, women around the
messenger, I shipped our wood, but volcanic Canada had come to give
them lecture in my home city for three days. And to just come from
relation done a talk for three days of just talking about the
woman, the sisters, the women around.
And so we have the biggest issue. within marriage counseling, you've
done lots of work with women. So the biggest issue is expectations
get in the way, the expectation stopped your own healing and
happiness because you come into the next marriage with
expectations that he's got to be a replacement father, he's got to do
that you've got to honestly the most important internal work that
you do, yes, building a taco for sure. And reliance on a lot. And
really challenge over if you really want you want something,
you're going to get up into her job, and you're going to turn to
alive if you're going to use that. But then you got to use the
iceberg needs, which is do the internal work do the internal
phenotype is your mindset because you're holding on to past
contaminated boards, it's going to check they're going to affect the
reality, the blueprint of how you're going to show up in a
secondary secondary extends to many women going naively kind of
thinking yeah, you know, and I don't want to remote I don't want
to romanticize a second nature, you know, you have that hope and,
and I'm not trying to be, you know, crash out in any way. But I
just have to have a realistic expectation that yes, Inshallah,
if you do your internal work and rely on my lunch Allah, Allah will
replace about that my biggest oil was Allah, give me someone that is
going to help me to jump into Gemma. That was my that was my
draw and draw so powerful, right? Give me some and, and also, I
think the other thing that affects us human is that we were the
expectations, right, your list. And I'm not saying that you have
to lower your expectations. What I'm saying is, you have to be
realistic with the situation that you're in right now, there are
certain things you're not going to, you need to know your values
and prioritize what is important for you, in the process of wanting
to remarry. I have to get so clear what my values were, what was the
most important she says that you have to have honesty and
trustworthiness, because I hadn't experienced that. And that was
like, to me, that's more important than good books and income. If you
had honesty and trustworthiness, this was so important to you got
it clearly stuff like that. It's very clear what you actually want.
Because if not, people are going to come and go and you're just
going to kind of like suede, and it's not going to help you
emotionally. So it's it's definitely really doing that
internal connection or we're connecting back to Allah, Allah,
what do you want from me right now? What's important to working
through the past that does not support you with your past is not
your reference point anymore, and then not allowing it to
contaminate your now or your future marriage
Assalamu Aleikum, great listening to sister contingencies Cereza
Alhamdulillah. I think I'll just pick up from the same thread,
because I'd like to start there.
When I lost my husband, and I thought about and people had
mentioned this whole idea of marrying again, I absolutely
didn't want to. I had seen so many horrible marriages growing up,
that at a certain point actually believed 99.9% of men were
horrible human beings, and hamdulillah for the number of
conscious, real Muslim men I started encountering when I got
more involved in Muslim students activities, which helped to shift
my paradigm. Even so I still saw a lot of marriages go south, no
matter how well they started, no matter how great a couple things
in the beginning, that's when I got married. And I found out my
husband was someone that was really a great human being when he
passed away, I actually just believed that it would be hard to
find someone like that. And I felt I was so blessed and been blessed.
Like that, once that there was no way I was going to be happily
married again. So I actually just made a mental note. I'm not
marrying again, not doing that. So I would politely
agree to connect with people who are interested in marrying me. But
even before the first phone call, I had already made up my mind I'm
not marrying again. I'm just being polite here. However, what I do
know I kept doing was making a continuously that Allah would
guide me would protect me would give me what's good for me. And
what do I kept saying again, and again, I used it a lot to handle
to manage my grief, and I kept using it is that there are a lot
more rock medica orange have a lotta Kunal and acetone for the
eye, that line, I loved that line, don't leave me to myself, even for
a second. And it's time I said that line. Mentally, I would list
all the decisions I had made all the resolutions I have made, to
not marry again to continue working where I was to do ABC. So
mentally, I would run through a quick list of all my personnel
decisions and resolutions and ideas and convictions. And say
Allah, if any of these things is not going to be okay for me in
this life and the hereafter, then just, you know, change my path,
whether I want it or not. So when I, as I sometimes jokingly say I
accidentally remind because it wasn't something I intended to do.
I didn't see it coming. Let me just put it that, frankly. And
afterwards people, people would sometimes ask, What did you do?
How did you do it? You've been married twice. And each time the
marriage was great, what did you do? I would actually sit and think
I didn't do anything.
But I do know I made a lot for Allah to guide. So this is why
it's I want to connect with what's the story. So 77 deja said that,
for some women that I've interacted with, when they want to
marry again, they see the new marriage as it's going to heal the
wounds of the past one, or if they were widowed, is going to make
them feel better, suddenly life is going to be fine life is settled.
It's almost a feeling as though you've arrived at Paradise now
because you are marrying again. Whereas I think it should actually
be more about as I said again, and again, it's about yourself, it's
about Allah, because the whole of life, if just one makes a
beautiful life, Muslim life, it's where you put a love first, then
you put yourself yourself second because it's your connection with
him. You are always going to be responsible for yourself
accountable for yourself first before anybody else when, when it
we are told will be asked in the grave Myra Buka? Who is your Lord
does the question between you and whoever you're serving who not?
Who is your Lord? And who is your husband? Or Who is your Lord and
who's your child who is your Lord and who's your mother. It's Who is
your Lord. So for women who are looking at remind, one definitely
thing to equip themselves with is to have that understanding. Now
some get very religious and very prayerful because you're praying
constantly for your husband, a good husband, that is great.
However it makes it looks like allies here then the husband is by
so the husband is the goal. And Allah is the the way to the goal,
whereas it should be the other way around. It's Allah is the goal.
And I am next my connection with him, then the husband if he will
help me stay connected. So the husband part has to be
conditional, if he will help me stay connected. When we look at
Serato that the first I think as far as three, two and three where
Allah starts off talking about if you
rely on him, he'll be enough for you. If you have taqwa, you're
conscious of him, he'll be enough for you. If you rely on Him, He
will provide you from where you do not expect. And I love the way
those particular lines how Allah says them, because he keeps
talking about him, you will rely on him, you have faith in Him,
kind of on him, you're conscious of him, he will be enough for you.
And enough is enough for whatever it is your worries might be. The
worries that come with being divorced, people would say, it's
my fault. I was too demanding. I wanted too much. Some would say
something like, Well, what do you expect us so into your
professional life you are so into your business, you're such an
independent woman, you don't know how to be submissive? What do you
expect? Now some of those things may be true, but they have,
nonetheless, this thing nonetheless. So sometimes women
run want to run away from that and rush into marriage. And then they
then use prayer as a way to try and accelerate things. Whereas
that period after losing one's husband, or getting divorced, is
meant to be a period where you deliberately slow things down. So
you can pause, so you can breathe. So you can do all those things,
the conscious awareness of what you just talked about the stories,
I've talked about it again, finding yourself and healing, so
you can do that. So that's definitely one way of preparing to
marry again. But I keep saying it shouldn't be married again, as the
next big thing. It should be to live, to be alive to truly be
alive from the inside out to close whatever gaps you found. And even
if you're looking at your past marriage and saying, Did I
contribute to the breakdown of that marriage in any way, whether
by omission or commission? Or was this something that if I had known
how to do it better do it differently, I would have been
able to do certain things maybe to make the even the breakup easier
to look at all of those things and do those things and reflect upon
them more to build yourself up than to make yourself viable for
another marriage? Because marriage isn't paradise. Getting married a
second time is not paradise. It's no guarantee of anything. So
handler and I think we'll talk about that in a moment. When I was
getting married a second time, I did feel like, wow, Alhamdulillah
second time lucky. And it's pretty easy and Hamdulillah. And after
the marriage, as I started to see the normal bumps that you would
always see in marriage, I just, I actually smiled at myself and
said, Look at you, what made you think you have passed? You've gone
over the worst of stuff. What made you think that? No, this is
another human being. So the dynamics are different. Yes, he's
been married before you've been married before you both feel like
all these in the game. But this game is different. It's new. So
you have to build from the bottom up. Which leads me to the last
thing I'll mention on this, how to prepare yourself for another
marriage is to just treat yourself like you don't know anything about
marriage. Just assume that I don't know anything about marriage. I
knew about how to be married to so and so before but this
I've been married to this person. So treat this person as new. So
you ask questions, you explore you, you open your eyes wider this
time. You ask more, if you see red flags you read you mentioned it,
I'm concerned about that. I'm concerned about this. You do the
work from the ground up, not oh, I've been married before I've been
there done that I know it all marriage is difficult. I know. I
know. I know. I know. You don't snow. This is a new person. And if
either of you have children that has a child from a previous
marriage, or you're going to go into a blended family situation,
then you know for sure. You've got more people in that marriage from
the beginning. You don't even have that space that young couples do
before they start having kids. No, it's like you're married. And
already you've got kids, and if they are grown up, and they have
the ideas, and they have their thoughts about Who's this woman in
my father's house? What's she doing here? Oh, who is this
strange man in my mother's life? What's he doing here?
You've got your work cut out the staff and yes, I want to crush you
i sister had to say but we have to be real. I think sometimes we are
not real enough. We just mashallah to land and make dua for them on
us. All right, go get married. No, I think we have to be real.
No, I love that. I think you're so right. And it's a really nice
segue into this really important part of today's panel. We could
literally talk about this particular subject about preparing
for re marriage for the next two hours. But I don't think we can do
that today because we've got to move on. However, you know, this
issue of the step parenting and the blended families you know,
that look, let's look at the reality. Yeah, the reality is for
many, many Muslims, we get married and we have chill
doing quite soon after the marriage, okay, whether it's with
123 years, quite soon, we also tend to have a lot of children,
right? So you can find somebody who you know, has been married
five years and has three children, or has four children, right? And
five years is not a lot of time. If you look at it, the marriage
could have been bad for five years, okay, like it could have
been, you know, she could have been suffering all those five
years, but of course, children are still coming, right. So, when you
when we when we looking at remarriage in the Muslim context,
what we have to be honest about is that there are always going to be
children involved, almost always going to be children involved.
Right.
And I think you know, Khadija, you and I were saying that this
journey of step parenting and blending families is one that we
do not talk about enough. There's an assumption made, that if a man
marries a woman with children, he will become the father figure he
will step in as the dad, whether financially, emotionally,
physically, the expectation is a societal one, and is the woman's
one. But as most sisters who are who have children are not looking
to get married, they are looking for the man perform the father
role, you know, and most sisters are quite open about that. And I
think it's almost a baseline expectation today, that of course,
you know, I have kids, right? Of course, you're going to accept me
and my kids. And we talked about expectations before but let's
let's let's get real and granular now about some of our things that
we're carrying that are challenging are making the
situation of step parenting and blended families even more
challenging Khadija we talked about this, I want you to jump in
and Sharla
Yeah, definitely. Like I my first Nigel's did not a straightaway. So
I had two steps. So I had experience raising two steps on
further steps. When 18 years later, divorced, remarried a year
later, and then now my husband was the stepfather to my children. And
I was in this position of like, wow, I'd to me, I thought I knew
exactly what the journey is. But being a stepfather is very
different thing.
And last year, I think I worked with 10 different mothers, or they
were women whose children were her stepfather to their children. In
every single situation, every single one, I think I'd say nine
out of 10, there was some jealousy towards stepchildren, there was
some jealousy toward the child that was not your own child was
really interesting, particularly if they were girls. And, and this
was really interesting for me, because when I got married, I was
very young 17. So my stepsons to me were quite a couple my younger
brothers, I didn't actually have to feel that but I think I did
have time. So I was really honest to myself, at times, go a little
bit, Josie would come up, I kind of have that audit factor coming
next week, I'm gonna have to adjust my time. Now, me remarried
in my head, and this is the head that this is 100% of the time with
most women who've been married. The thing is, I need to get that
role model for my children, right, I need that good male role model.
And that is that's consistent in any woman I've worked with, that
is consistently about that, you know, I want this, this male role
model thing is, this is what it's about with the children. And so
there's this whole
process in your own mind that you have to go through to accept that
you are not this is not the father, the children's father,
this is a totally different person. And that your expectation
that you're going to put on to this person creates, will create
more issues, and you know, expectation to put on yourself
too. I went into marriage, six months later, trying to meet my
four boys need, meet my new husband needs, you know, serve him
be that new wife to him build a relationship with each other,
foster an ex husband, while still finances I was working part time.
And I remember one day talking to the marriage, and he and my oldest
son's in hospital. It was very hot days at that time, coming to him
back from the hospital. And I remember I got up budget the next
day. And I collapsed. I physically collapsed like I found myself on
the ground it's the toilet it's like, where am I and I realized
wow, I my body breaking down because I'm trying so hard to be
the new good wife and make sure I could do all my needs and you
know, get that finances the job and I was trying too hard. Because
I was in a place where I want this to work I want this to work so
it's coming from a place of trying to fix it and showing up in that
place. And subhanAllah that breakdown you know had a
concussion before you know that took him to hospital and like have
your husband rushed here and like no, I tried this collapse you
know, big big my body physically. Partly my body physically
collapsed because it couldn't handle the emotions and everything
that I was trying at that time. So I that was it. I just want
I've already literally stopped. And the reason I'm telling you
this, it's not that person that year we marriage, we have children
and stepchildren and they're trying to create a new pathway for
many of us, and you've got your own healing work as well. And
you've got different needs because children react in different ways,
especially teenage boys, they react to their father, stepfather
sings over and over again, in many steps, families where mothers
neither married in, they've got stepchildren, this happens. So
often, there's issues between the children, you know, because your
children shouldn't have rights or the issues of discipline, you
know, there's so many aspects to this area, there's your
expectation is his expectation, but it's definitely worth it
personally, I can honestly say, that's a sequence of 100 times in
my life, it was a joyful time. And I really was great meeting a new
person and bring that person to my life and my children's life, were
important big toll on myself. And so I would want you to learn from
the lessons that I've learned, the lesson was, is that you have to,
you have to really know yourself, and be able to articulate your
needs, because you're depleted, you can't do that, you saw that
with what happened to me physically, I just, I literally
broke down my body couldn't do it anymore. And so it's, it's knowing
your needs and like, it's knowing his needs, it's knowing it's
coming to a place that everyone's going to transition differently.
We all struggle, we all transition, this love and
compassion that we have to have for each other and our children in
that situation is so essential. Knowing our triggers is so
essential in this situation.
Too many of us expect him to walk in and kind of fix it, be that guy
know, just do your thing. And it doesn't work that way. It requires
lots of communication, lots of misunderstanding, but lots of
understanding each other. Stepping back and pausing, creating safe
emotional space, I can't emphasize this enough emotional safety,
creating the emotional stages, we can both express each other's
opinion without taking it personally. When we take our ego
take it personally how another person feels, I can remember
having this conversation sat down. And my my 12 year old son, at the
time was struggling with a step by step progression plus monthly
follow instructions, anyone who's struggling. And he sat down and
had him assure I would have found I'm sure that Daniel communicated.
And he said to step.
Your stranger it came into my house and you're strange. And I
have to like, I don't know, you, you know, and I have lots of boys
to met him a few times. But I don't know you. It was like almost
trying to force upon. And I remember he stepped back and said
to him, you know, you're right, if you don't learn, and that's okay.
Let's get to know each other. And so that and one of the biggest
things that really helped me was because I had been a stepmother. I
knew that I craved a position to be in my step children's lives. So
I automatically I let him become part of the family. Him being the
Omnia, I really gave that right to knowing very well my children's
needs and everything, but keep making him the army letting him be
part of it, because he felt like the outsider. Right? He was the
outsider. So coming in and letting him be that I'm not taking it
personally, you know, how undisciplined the last thing is,
something comes after building the connection. It's a transition,
it's a journey. So it was something people can essentially
in it, it's hard to describe it. Now, you know, when you've
actually you've actually been, you know, that makes sense.
People don't know how difficult it is. And you know, I think even
that question about, you know, what part is this, this husband
going to play? Right? You know, it's one because I think in the
West, the majority of situations is the woman has the kids in the
home, and the husband marries and joins in the home in her house
with her kids, which already is like, is is a challenge, right?
Because, you know, depending on what kind of setup you guys are
hoping for, if you're putting him as the emir, but it's your house,
and they're your kids. And you guys have got a culture and a
structure. And guys do things the way you do. i
If he brings you guys into his place, which is very rare, in the
West, I think that that very rarely, rarely happens unless the
children are very young or there's like only one or two of them. But
if you're already an established family with an established home,
typically he moves in with you. So yeah, lots of conversation. Lots
of talking through everything. I think managing expectations and
trying to get rid of assumptions that you make assuming
that he's going to do this or he's not going to do it assuming that
your kids are going to feel this way, or they're not going to feel
this way. So what do you think? What's how can we best manage
this, you know, rather tricky situation of step parenting and
blending families. And you know, as Khadija said, bringing more or
less a stranger into our children's lives and hoping that
they can play house together,
play house together, I like that.
Because when we picture it before the marriage, you actually
picture, the playing house situation, everybody's getting
along like a house on fire. And all these final all these well
now, and you sometimes assume that the kids are going to be grateful,
they're going to be happy that now we've got a mother in the house or
a father in the house. But those are assumptions that we make,
based on what we expect. It doesn't match the reality. I know
people's stories will be different, but something a few
things I would say looking back now, I would want to just share.
The first is that having an agreement about a culture for your
new home helps a lot, not because the children are willing to accept
the different bits of the family culture that you've put together.
But because it helps in your conversation with your new spouse,
it helps to prevent certain misunderstanding from occurring to
prevent certain arguments from being stretched too far, because
you both agreed on A or B or C. And it helps you know how to
respond to certain situations without overthinking it. I know
one challenge we tend to have is you overthink everything. If I
especially where maybe you've got your biological kids, and then
your stepkids or as I as someone wants at your bonus kids in the
house, and you're thinking if I save this, would they think I'm
saying it because it's my biological child, or will they
think I'm saying it because it's not my biological child. And that
can be very stressful emotionally for you, especially if you care
about doing the right thing. You care about being unfair and being
balanced and not being misunderstood. So you, if you
already have a culture, then you always have something to go to.
It's like the principle or the rule. This is what we do in this
family. This is how we do it. So it doesn't matter which kid you're
dealing with. That's one. Second is this whole idea of discipline,
because when you have a step parent, and the step parent is
just there to play with them have fun and provide their needs what
they want. You don't actually have a lot of fun friction, the
friction comes up when you want to enforce rules when you want to
establish discipline, from my personal experience, and from
speaking with other people. That's where the things start to go
sideways could start going sideways, especially as children
grow older. Now there's a temptation to assume that they're
acting out because this is their step parent to always assume that
there's that temptation, and that's the trend. And people say,
Oh, it's because you know, it's because you're not the mother,
it's because you're not really the biological dad. But I had to learn
over time to separate issues. And to understand that a child is a
child. And when I would then remember certain instances, maybe
growing up challenges I had with my own parents or times when I did
with them, I wasn't happy with something they had done. And even
conversations with friends over time, who would sometimes they you
know, at one time, I was so convinced that my dad wasn't my
dad. My mom wasn't my mom, because we're always having these quarrels
and arguments. And finally, I had to just like be, really, she's my
mom, or he's my dad with a stepchild, you don't have that
they don't fall back on that. So you might sit there thinking
they're acting out because this person, just step parent, but they
may be acting out because this person is new. They don't have a
strong enough bond the bonds that can handle the friction that comes
from discipline. Because when we think about our own biological
kids, it's not every time you told them know that they say, Yes, dear
mother, your word is my mother.
It's not all the time. Sometimes you tell them 100% I'm going to
unfriend you. I'm not going to talk to you for the next two days.
Each time you call me. I'm going to grant instead of responding.
That's your own biological child, or because you have a history with
if you have the mother, they've been hearing your voice from the
time they could hear in your womb. They knew you they know your touch
from the beginning. If you're the father, they probably heard your
voice when you call them then in their ear when they were born. So
you have a bunch that's no matter how far they run away from you
because right now they're hating you and they think you are just a
hater. You're ruining their life or you're killing their swag. They
usually string back to you. If you don't have
Have a bundle like that with a stepchild, which you don't because
you were in there from the beginning, it becomes harder. So
when the friction starts, then there is nothing to contain it and
everything can go south, it has helped to have others that they
trust that they have known far longer than they've known you to
do a lot of the talking, and the sets and some of the boundaries,
especially their biological parent. So I know the mistakes
some of us make is insistent as you're marrying, this person is
going to walk right in and start being the father figure in every
way. I think sometimes we have to learn to play the go between to do
more of enforcing, and allow him to establish a strong enough
relationship, establish enough trust to make that happen. But we
can't even force that process. I'm learning how to just settle in for
the long haul. As a stepparent of two boys, I'm learning how to just
sometimes just let some things go and just settle in for the long
haul. And know that it takes time to build a relationship where they
trust you enough to not say you must be telling me to do this,
because you're not my mother. I'm learning that and it's a great
lesson to learn. So those are two.
And then to keep talking, I think it's time even when you feel that
the situation is not working well. And you feel that you are not
parenting, right? Or you want your spouse to step up more, to be
ready to have that conversation as difficult as it might be as
fractious that it might as it might get to be ready to have the
conversation because it's an ongoing process. Every
relationship is an ongoing negotiation. So as long as you're
in the marriage, you are the step parent to this kids or he's a
stepparent to your kids. You have to keep having the discussion and
then keep making dua Allahumma Romantika, lotta kill, Lila loves
turffontein and just have that hope insha Allah.
I love how you mentioned, it's like that transition, it really is
a transition. And that, you know, when a child feels a sense of
belonging, they're more likely to listen to instruction, they're
going to feel, you know, that connection and that sense of
belonging and respect, that has to be built birth. And if you're
sitting in resentment, or you have a perception that this child
taking time away from my new husband or my new wife, that's
going to impact our perception of that child is going to be the
number one thing to check in for ourselves. What is what are we how
are we perceiving that step child what's what's the thoughts or
feelings or trigger that's coming up for us, because a lot of the
time the child or the beautiful innocent, I had so many mothers or
that had a stepchild and when I worked with and they were jealous
of a seven year old stepchild. If you're a grown woman, you're so
jealous to the point where she's embarrassed, the level of jealousy
that she has to her stepchild, then that's your issue getting
away, that's your standard need to be worked through. Because a seven
year old child is not causing or trigger your perception of that
seven year old child is causing the misery within your heart. So
we really have to do that. Political. When I asked my
husband, of course, my youngest child was three years old when we
when we are married. He's eight years old now. He's not always
nice coming together about five markets. So what's the biggest
thing when you're bond? The second he
got to have like, I love this child like my own child, but
you've got to have chocolate and it's true that I was that mother.
I had to keep thinking that we should have popcorn. You know, I
treat my children like I treat my children I definitely aren't sure
this is an Amana Allah, you're a very lucky woman to ask that
mother or stepfather because Allah Amana have a child that was not
your, into your phone. You Allah knows that he didn't want to
burden anyone with a bear. All I know is that you can you can, you
can step up, you can show up in this role and be a contributor to
that child's life. I still get flowers on my my stepson till like
28. And
because of the bond that creatively, you know, that really
changed my son from one of my one of my sons, you know that they
love and bond. So don't underestimate or have never,
never, ever think that any action or effort you do, because you
can't do the reward in this tangible life. You don't know
what's holding people to here after all, it's given me I
remember the Prophet Muhammad. He was a stepfather to soundless
farmers. She had a daughter. So don't underestimate no this is
something that is such a such a beautiful gift I was presenting
the the lessons that can be learned from this in more than me
definitely my youngest being stepmother and being the bond of
the stepfather to the children and allowing things that come up.
There's going to be conflicts there's going to be disagreements
is going to be allowing, allowing, allowing that to build that and
not my respect conference or finding too quickly, and just
allow that relationship to work.
I have to respect that that's a different relationship to my
relationship to my husband.
I know I tried my direction and friendship to be able to enforce I
think I rushed it. I felt we knew one another well enough to do that
it was much later years down the road, I realized, I think I should
have slowed things down a lot. So I I totally feel that step parents
need a sort of support group where they help one another and talk
through things. So if people who are planning to get married, and
they're going to have a blended family situation, talk to me now,
I always emphasize don't rush to enforce anything. I'm not saying
don't be disciplined, talk about discipline and what's your terms
are with your spouse, but don't be in a hurry to be the one pushing
into you're going to create friction, and your relationship
with that child may not be strong enough to handle the friction.
100% I think that's a beautiful way for us to to close up this
panel. Like I said, we could be here for another two hours of Hana
allah and You know, Raisa, Khadija salata thank you so much for just
being so open and honest, I think when it comes to this particular
trajectory, this, there's so many extremes in this conversation,
right. And I think that what I was hoping for was to open up a
conversation where there's balance in where we, we are realistic
about the challenges, but we are also hopeful for the outcomes,
because we know that anything is possible. And two things can be
true at the same time. So a skinned marriage can be more
difficult, and also have potential for more reward at the same time,
right? So it's not that the second marriage is going to be a breeze.
It's not that the second marriage is going to be a disaster, it's
more being aware and educating yourself on the challenges so that
you can show up differently in that situation to mitigate
whatever the the challenges are. And I love the fact that everybody
here has spoken about that personal responsibility, because,
you know, that is the one thing that empowers us, how we can do
things differently, how we can make dua, how we can respond
differently, and SubhanAllah. I think we can all attest to the
fact that when we show up differently, it impacts the
situation and impacts others, it invites others to show up
differently. And at the very least, even if they don't change
their behaviors, the way that we are showing up in the way that we
have decided to be and the choices that we make can mean that our
experience of the situation is not, you know, as as painful or as
toxic, or whatever the case may be, as it would have been if we
had not made the decision to be who we're going to be, regardless
of you know, what the challenges that we face are Subhanallah so
this is I want to thank you, we're gonna put your info in the
description on YouTube and we'll be sending it out to the email
subscribers as well as to Allah. I think it's over 10,000 10,000
people who claim their free ticket mashallah, so we'll send your
details out so that after they've listened to this, they can
definitely get in touch. I hope to invite you guys back onto one of
these episodes of the marriage conversation. Maybe when we do a
Sunday livestream we can just come on and just do pure q&a Because I
know people want the q&a but insha Allah that is it for this no this
session. Thank you all so much for being with us. We're going to take
a five minute break before we go on to the next one sisters just
come allow Hayden
so my cane Subhanallah that was amazing, masha Allah, thank you so
so much. We're going to take a five minute break and we'll be
back for our next presentation Inshallah, where sister for Hema
is going to be talking about Nicole like that journey of going
towards remarriage after divorce in sha Allah. So please set your
timer for five minutes inshallah. Go away, do something, stretch
your legs, drink a glass of water, pray if you need to, and drink a
cup of tea, make a cup of tea, make a cup of coffee, and we'll
see you back here insha Allah does like hello Kate and thanks guys
and thank you in YouTube for keeping it just so you guys on
YouTube are amazing mashallah, thank you so much for keeping the
chat such a wonderful place, Baraka Alphacam
Salam Alaikum everyone,
everyone bringing everybody back in the room in sha Allah Salam
Alikum you make your way back hopefully you had a bit of a
stretch, got some water and might not have been long enough to make
a cup of tea. Certainly not enough to drink one but
inshallah you've had a chance to freshen up a little bit Masha
Allah Salam aleikum says how are you doing sister for Hema Mohamed
how are you? They can set up I'm very well very much looking
forward to this sort of panel as well and enjoying all the other
speakers so I'm really blessed to be part of this. Thank you so
much. hamdulillah I'm so so excited mashallah, we've had so
many conversations so much good stuff coming through. And, and
Hamdulillah you know, lots of paradigms being shifted, which is
the most important thing, mashallah, and we are today I
guess, it's a day of us addressing some of the, you know, thorny
issues, I guess, things that people don't necessarily speak
about that much. What are you going to be telling us about today
inshallah.
I think, give us a just give us a snippet. Inshallah, then I'm going
to pass over to you, I'll start the recording and then Bismillah
Insha Allah, but we're going to be talking about the journey after
divorce, aren't me? Yes, definitely. And there's a lot to
consider with regards to not just your psychology, but your biology.
So I'm going to go into a new bit of neuroscience and hopefully, we
have to understand ourselves a little bit better in you know, in
a different way. I love it, Mashallah. Okay, guys, if you're
ready, I'm ready. Are you ready says definitely. All right, if
you're ready over on YouTube, give us a big thumbs up, make sure that
you like the video, subscribe to the channel and share the link
with somebody else who needs to watch this. Don't be selfish,
share the head. All right, put it up on to others. Inshallah. All
right, I'm gonna come to you. I'm going to mute myself. And we're
going to press record and Bismillah Here we go.
That and while they come everyone, I'm Fahim, Mohammed, and I am also
a relationship and couples coach for many Institute's many dating
apps that are online, and I host a weekly show on British Muslim TV,
discussing relationships with different guests every single
week, as well as qualified life coach, NLP practitioner, CBT,
mental health and wellness practitioner as well, as well as
also, you know, doing my master's right now in psychology and
neuroscience of mental health. So, before we start, I would like to
sort of say, we need to clear our minds a little bit, start
understanding and feeling your breathing. A lot of the times we
are really anxious, you know, even to know what actually is this talk
all about? Or what is it that we need to gain engage, which is
absolutely fine, but I want you because you've had a long session
already to just let go of any unnecessary thoughts and try to be
present right here, right now. We need to understand the way in
which we listen, we either listen to judge or criticize or listen to
learn and develop your skills. Either way is absolutely fine.
We're not here, because I am actually based in the UK. I am
living in London for a couple of decades now. People say that
coming from the west, you have a different mindset. And we're not
here to be, you know, feminist or bashing or hating or against
anyone. I'm going to be looking down at some of my notes because I
want to make sure that actually we have the right information that we
are going to get tonight and I want to make sure that it's
absolutely correct for you. I understand that. We have a
different way of thinking as men and as women. I want you
to write down if you can, if you want to post it even on the box as
to what is your expectation for this talk today, okay? Or have it
in your mind, it's just interesting to know how we start
and how we end after listening. And after, you know, a
conversation or a presentation that is in front of you. So
basically, staying silent, or trying to be on the fence is not
acceptable, as we know, right? We have to speak up, we need to talk
and take sides. Now when it comes for divorce, I am the voice of the
voiceless. And I'm here to empower, meaning support and
uplift you. Yes, it's a tough journey. Yes, we should, you know,
have different expectations, I wouldn't say lower. Okay, I'm
going to be completely vocal. And I'm not going to sugarcoat it
because I want to define what does even expectations mean to begin
with. And as is, you know, if you are a divorce sister or brother,
you are definitely not second class, when we need to channel our
expectations in a particular direction, you're not lowering it,
because you still deserve, you know, happiness, you still deserve
gratitude, you still deserve someone to treat you well. So
don't get mixed, okay? When people tell you that you have to lower
your expectations, maybe they're talking about not going off to
someone who is probably have a different status, or profession or
anything. But even that can differ depending on where you come from,
and where you're brought up from. And it shouldn't matter whether
you're divorced or not, to be honest. So I am going to be
totally different. And I'm going to raise a few eyebrows tonight.
But it's absolutely fine. Because I'm here talking to you. Because
I'm going to use some tools that you're going to be equipped to
handle any situation. And you're going to have like a hammer, okay
for you to use gently to nail on the wall if you want to hang
something pretty, or you can use that hammer to knock something
down if something stands in your way. And I don't mean that in a
bad way, I'm talking about you actually being powerful as an
individual, especially after divorce, I lift people I transform
people. And again, I'm not here to bash the other gender, nor to put
anyone down, nor to have this individualistic idea or to come
across as someone who can do it on their own and need no one else.
Absolutely not. Let's just not get it mixed. Okay, and twisted. Now,
there's a lovely quote by Alexander Graham. And we also
notice from the Quran as well, when one door closes. Another
opens. However, as the quote continues, where most of you might
have heard, is that we so often look, so regretfully, upon the
door that is closed, that we do not see the one that is open for
us. And usually after divorce, there are so many different stages
and phases that we go through, which is like a grieving process.
And also we need to understand that there is, you know, a process
after divorce, which is similar to grieving. And some of us gets
stuck in certain situations. There's a lot of research to say,
scientific research neuroscience research, I'm a researcher, I'm,
you know, continuous students, you've seen my accreditations is a
long list, because I haven't stopped studying for the past six
years, literally non stop education, on, you know, different
levels, different courses, so that I can invest in myself in order to
serve you, anyone in my community in my society, regardless of their
background, or set. And a lot of my studies and research doesn't
just come from science and psychology, but also from the
clients that I actually have. And they are from across the globe,
whether it's an Africa, the Middle East, Europe, North America,
Canada, you name it, I have been contacted, and I have an insight
to most majority backgrounds, and there is a culture clash,
especially when you're living in the West. But even if you're
living in the West, there is such a stigma against divorce, even for
people in the West. And you have to put that as a status even if
you're going for a job application, which means somehow
you are kind of defined by your past relationship. And I like to
question that.
Yes, you are divorced, fair enough. But you see, because of
that stigma and attachment people can judge you for that negatively.
However, when I realized that divorce is in such a way, when my
clients come to me and a lot of the things I'm going to be sharing
are from this case studies of clients. Of course, everything's
private and confidential. But unfortunately, if you think it's
your story, and you're my client, it is not just you I have too many
clients with the same story
It's just like how in research when the research it's done, we
might be skeptical of the research. However, however, the
research is not about that the research is more about you,
learning how it is that people are put together in order to actually
understand Understand how our brain our mind, our emotions work,
and there is a science behind this. It's so amazing to learn
about the science. Can anybody hear me Is everything okay? So
far, I just want to check in because I feel like I'm talking to
myself right now. I just want to make sure that everyone is
watching and listening and hearing.
Can you actually hear me everybody? Yes, perfect. Can you
see me by the way, because I can't actually see my screen.
Can everybody see me? Perfect, right. I just wanted to check in
because you know what I can talk my ex actually told me I can talk
about Africa. And you know what, that is so true. This hour is
definitely not enough. You need to reach me and DM me you want to
contact me please do so on www dot COVID FM's are calm or on my
Instagram for Hema Fe H I M A underscore FM, because I am here
to basically serve you. And I want to make sure that you understand
firstly, what is marriage, and a lot of scholars do actually
describe and define marriage as a shared struggle. Now, when we know
it's a shared struggle, and we understand the concept of
marriage, we strive towards that, and a lot of us here are saying
that women need to be grateful, and women should be serving. And
that is what I see all the time in my clientele. When women come to
me after divorce. They are the ones that have been serving, they
are the ones that have actually been putting in the work, they
have been actually quite tolerant and accepting of even really bad
situations. Okay. And unfortunately, whether you like it
or not, you need to understand the statistics out there, where it's
the women that are mainly abused, whether it's in the West, or in
our Muslim communities, which we are not talking about. There's a
reason why divorce happens. And there's definitely statistics to
show that it's mainly that men checkouts All right, yes, there
are a few cases where men can complain, but I bet you anything,
if you didn't get the panel together of all that you've had in
the last three days of their clientele, and what exactly is
actually happening, it's our Muslim sisters that are suffering,
and they are tolerating, and they are the mothers, they are the
sisters, they are the daughters that are being abused, and we are
not speaking on their behalf, nor are we actually giving them the
chance to actually come out and say their story where they're
going to be believed and heard, right, because when a man does
something wrong, it's also the woman's fault. But when a woman is
blamed, it's only hers. So either way, she takes the rap. And that's
what happens in our Muslim community. We don't have sisters
that support other sisters, we have women that actually bring
other women down after divorce, and they are left out of the
community. And I am not talking from perfect personal experience.
Unfortunately, I have had clients with these things that are
actually happening. And they are the ones the women that are
actually divorced, are educated. They're living in a very high
standard, they come home, they work they see to the kids, they do
everything. And even with abuse and even with and I'm not just
talking about physical abuse, I think we need to step up and
understand that in this day and age, there's a lot of narcissistic
abuse, there's a lot of mental abuse, there's a lot of
manipulation. And these are the clients that come to me,
unfortunately, telling me their stories, they're not heard by the
leaders, they're not heard by the Imams, the legality of Islamic
divorce is not fairly and justly put into place. I'm in touch with
barristers, in the UK, with solicitors in the UK with divorce
consultants, and I am not only just talking from my profession,
but the connections that I am, you know, in a network with, and
unfortunately, unless you are in a civil marriage, for example, in
the UK, then you will have and be accustomed but a lot of women are
not even sort of like taking that opportunity to do that. And I'm
not saying because you know, we need to make sure that we get our
rights and we're going to take over the man and you know, make
sure that he pays for it. No, I'm going to come to that too. All
right. The thing is, the women are the one that is left behind with
the children, the man moves on, and we think it's unfair and we
also as women think it's unfair that we have to wait for that
period. Now let me give you some science. Our religion is so
beautiful, Mashallah. And actually, the science behind that
is the period is actually in a very
simple way, which maybe some of you know but if you don't
I apologize. I'm gonna say this anyway. an embryologist, right
says the Muslim woman is the cleanest woman on earth, right
when a woman is divorced by her husband, and has to wait at least
three months, monthly periods the menstrual cycle, right, and a
woman whose husband died has to wait at least four months and 10
days before can marry again. If she turns out to be pregnant, then
her waiting period lasts until the birth of her child, right? This
has surprised the modern science after discovery that every woman
has an imprint, man water within them, the liquid imprint of a man
contain 62 proteins, and it differs from one man to another,
just like our fingerprints, right? It's like a personal code for each
man. And a woman's body carries the computer where the code can be
put in. So if a woman re marries another man, right,
basically,
like a virus, it's basically entering a computer. So this will
cause imbalance, imbalance and it will bring dangerous dangerous
infections and diseases. So it has been proven scientifically that
during the first menstrual period, after divorce, the woman removes
32 to 35%. The second period is 67 to 72%. And the third period is
99.9% of the man's imprint, right? So the womb is cleansed from the
previous imprint after three menstrual periods SubhanAllah. Now
this is now you receiving a new imprint without injury or harm.
And that's why you have that three monthly period, everything is
designed by Allah subhanaw taala in an amazing format and way,
that's why it's not about just trying to overcome your last
relationship, I think in life, if it's your first and if it's your
second or third or even genuinely in life, you need to know your
deen and practice it. And when I say practice it, not just the
obligatory, right? We have people that say, I want someone I want a
brother or a sister who is practicing, and they pay their
salaries, they do this, you know, give them a cut they have you
know, so they force they do whatever, that is fine. But how
are you living that in between your Salah. Now, this is how you
judge another character. And that's where I say you don't lower
your standards, you don't know what your expectations because you
deserve someone in your life, that is actually going to give you that
sort of lifestyle because they living it themselves. That's how
you go behind it. I'm just trying to read some of your messages so
far. Right?
Yes, education is basically a personal responsibility.
Absolutely. But unfortunately, you know, education is so vast, and
there's education, there's intelligence, and there's wisdom,
and all of that encompassed under the umbrella of knowledge. But we
need to understand that you can have a PhD and you can have
absolutely no wisdom. And you don't know how to use even your
deen and Islamic teachings to the practices in your actual home.
Now, when you are divorced, there are different stages depending on
how old you are. How many kids you have, what was your relationships
even around you. And I don't mean relationships, even with your past
partner, I'm talking about relationships, that is even with,
you know, your family, friends, your your colleagues, now that
shows your character, and you need to know that you can actually
build off to conflict. A lot of us if we are divorced at a young age
with no kids, it's a little bit easier. Okay, let me not, you
know, basically sugarcoat this, but when you've got kids when
you're older, yes, it's a challenge. It's a real challenge.
And what is the challenge is the challenge is you have a little bit
more of a readjustment, you've probably invested years of
marriage, and years of, you know, a time together, whether you've
chosen that marriage, sorry, or not, whether you've chosen to
divorce or not. Fair enough. A lot of people may say, well, actually,
I'm happy in this divorce. And that's also absolutely fine.
However, you need to understand your meaning and purpose in this
world. Why are we here? And what is the end result? What is your
existential need, and a lot of us we don't feel complete, we don't
feel happy. We always feel that we need the support, we need the
system, we need someone to have your back and that's also fine.
But if you can do it for yourself, then you don't have someone to
complete you. You have someone to compliment you. Now, that's the
difference. Okay? We need someone to compliment us but we need to be
at a certain level ourselves first, in order for someone to
compliment us and when you're going through a divorce, and
especially if you didn't like it, especially if it's abusive, and
especially if it's something that you didn't want okay, there's so
many women that do not want divorces. Why would most Muslim
woman want a divorce? Yes, there may be some complaints but if you
look at the divorce statistics out there, it is mainly the women that
would stick with
Even abuse because they don't want the stigma. They don't want to
leave that family, they don't want to actually check out, right. Like
I said before, this is the reality, okay, they don't want to
check out because they know it's difficult. So if a man checks out
completely, for even no reason, okay, and the reason why women may
check out is because of abuse because of that, too, because
they've tolerated for so long, because we keep saying Be patient
sister, yet we know that being patient is you also filtering that
information and that modeling to your children and their and your
children's future relationship, which will also be detrimental. So
there is a fine line. And we need to know about this. And we need to
have the support around us about this. So at the end of the day, I
think that when it comes to you, knowing that your husband, for
example, has checked out, he doesn't love you, he doesn't
connect with you. He wants to move on. What do you do, you are now
legally bound to worry about what is my status? What is my emotional
state, what is my psychological and biological, you know, state, a
lot of us don't think like that. Divorce is like a voluntary death,
the body system goes through a process that you need to
understand this, the mind and body is not in balance. Now what does
that mean, we always say, we need to be positive, we need to be
happy. But did you know that in order to restore balance is called
homeostasis. Homeostasis is a level of pleasure or pain that the
brain wants. And in order for it to remain level, it doesn't tip to
either too much pain or too much pleasure, right, it has to deviate
into a form of neutrality. Now, if you have if the brain has not got
that homeostasis, basically, you need to
try and balance it. So you don't have too much pleasure because in
the West, we have too much things that are actually pleasing us,
which can also cause stress to keeping up with the Joneses,
right? And then we have the depression, the downward sort of
the brain sort of pathways, and that is also causing a form of
stress. Now, we are not aware of this, we don't know our brain, I
study the brain, I study the mind, the brain and the mind are totally
different things. There's a different psychology and a biology
to our system, and our body shut down. And sometimes we fighting
with ourselves. Now, if you're divorcing your partner, don't
divorce yourself, you need to take care of yourself, you need to keep
take care of your mental health. And you do need to seek
intervention as much as you have family support as much as you have
friendship support, which is absolutely vital. Right? You need
to seek that outside support, which is professional, I would
say, go to a coach, go and seek some self development. And you
don't need to worry about being influenced in a wrong way. Even if
you were to go to a Tony Robbins, you know, self development course.
Because if you're, if you're a man is strong, you will take bits and
pieces I listen to so many TED talks, or what do you call them,
you know, personal development gurus and specialists. And I'm not
a fan of anyone. But I know each one, I can take away something and
realign that with my faith, and then use it to my advantage. Now
people will only get carried away and they will only be taken away
and they will only follow a particular way. If for example,
they are not strong in their foundation. Now we know Allah
subhanaw taala tests us and the most he loves are tested the most.
So when you come to a point where you are divorced, and you are not
wanting it, let's talk I mean, there's different different
scenarios, let's talk about the extreme ones when you really don't
want it. And you are a woman who's probably invested in his in her
family, and will probably hasn't worked and you've got to build
from scratch, then yeah, I don't blame women for wanting to stand
up. But it shouldn't be to the extent that they hate men, or they
don't have trust again, or they turn to feminist ideas. Because of
that, that's when we need intervention and women and
leaders, imams scholars to put us, you know, on track, and to give us
that support. And for other women to actually stop putting the blame
on women for the divorce because I know many women even with abuse,
they want to still stay in that marriage because they know the
family unit and a majority of Muslim women and families are
bringing up their children, especially girls in a way to serve
to be in a particular way to be there for their husbands. Right.
So I don't know of many women that wants to check out and maybe I am
very small percentage, but I'm talking about even statistics
here. I'm talking about statistics in the Muslim community and in the
West, and maybe there is a shift in the fact that there are more
women that want to check out but let's go back and rewind. Why is
that? Okay? So don't just assume at the end of
A day, we need to understand that majority of the time, if you were
to really statistically know that the modern attitude and behavior
is not in line with Islamic theology and teachings, but women
are not necessarily the majority of the problem, most of the time,
we don't get men coming to Christ saying, my wife have left me, they
may cry and moan. Because Oh, at the end of the day, they moaning,
and they complaining, and they're not grateful. And they
disrespectful. But it's the women's tears. That actually is
because they want to commit suicide, because they are
traumatized, because they have been manipulated, because they
have been put down. And we are not talking about this enough. And
whose fault is that? Whose, you know, teachings that we need to
put in there, we need to have a panel or we need to have a
conference about what is it that men need to be and as even
listening to the conversation about with sis and Ima and Mufti
mink, he said there is a lack of valuable high valuable men. Right.
And there's a lack of, you know, masculinity, I had a show with
even brother, Gabriel Romani, who is going to be on the panel as
well, and he's talked about this, they there is a double standard of
how our Muslim families are raising boys and girls, and there
is a problem. And this is why they are entering into marriages
without actually understanding their responsibilities. And over
the years, it has shifted, where relationships are coming on for a
different reason. Yes, we're not married, because we need the
status as much. We're not married, because women are very much not
just educated, but there are in professional fields and
professional edge, you know, sort of like industries where they can
actually hold the household themselves, they can do it
financially, emotionally, take care of the kids work, do
everything where the man has not shifted, all they do is work. And
only sometimes they will choose to help out. Because the culture says
No, you shouldn't really help your wife because you know, you look
like weak, alright, but it's not all of them, I see some very
healthy relationships as well, I'm just only highlighting the ones
that you are going to be interested in. So at the end of
the day, I want you to understand that there is a lot of neglect,
with the the rights of a wife. Now, of course, there's neglect
because our parents even teaching their boys, what is it that you
need to do in order to actually hold that household, it's not
about being a prince, it's not about being the king. It's not
about being the leader. And even if you are going to be all of
that, what does that even mean? Okay, if you aren't going to be an
influencer, if you aren't going to be a role model, if you are not
going to model characteristics, and sort of different distinctions
in your family, that that takes a different practice how you're
treating your wife, how your wife's treating, her husband, is
also going to be a teaching and a lesson that your children is
taking forward. Right. And in a divorce. If that mother is holding
back her child, from that Father, even out of spite, you are
damaging your child. That's the other thing. Now a lot of women
can be very resentful and a scorned woman you do not mess
with, right. And they can be scorned for a lifetime that they
can actually love that partner so much. But there's a fine line
between love and hate, where they actually want to kill you. Right?
Not literally, but in their hearts and in their mind. Okay, but that
is really something that, like how Nelson Mandela says, If you want
to hurt someone, and you have resentment, it's like you holding
coal in your hand expecting the other person to be burnt. Now,
there's a lot of hate, there's a lot of resentment after divorce.
And when you're single enough, after being in a family unit, even
if you wanted to come out of that divorce, there is something where
you will actually miss you even might miss your partner in the
past, where you will actually
basically want to go back to even that abusive relationship, okay,
you want to go back to that partner, because that's what
you're familiar with our brain and our neural pathways is going to be
active the most, because you are focusing on it the most. And what
you focus on the most is what's going to be activated in your
brain and in your mind, and that is what's going to be continuous
memory and the emotion and when you put so much emphasis on that
emotion, which is so sad, depressed and looking back and
what you've lost and what also there's a lot of loss as in, I
could have had children with this man, I could have gone on holiday,
I could have built a life. It's like a business when you invest in
something and you put all your eggs in there. And then one person
comes out and you're like, my business is gone. My money is
lost. It's even worse when you are in a relationship and someone
checks out there is a lot of hate. There's a lot of resentment. So
you know what we need to make sure that we do have outside
professional intervention so that we can go on this personal
development journey. And this personal development journey will
hopefully get you out of those stages, which I cannot say I have
got
so much content. But unfortunately, the time does not
allow me.
But the thing is, when you actually understand how your body
and mind works, you can get out of the stages a lot quicker. Not
saying it's an easy ride, life's a roller coaster, you're going to
flip flop back and forth, in whichever way you can, you're
going to have to make yourself stay healthy, you're going to have
to make yourself, you know, take care of yourself, you're going to
have to make yourself wake up, I was on autopilot. After my
divorce, it wasn't something I wanted, it wasn't something that
was even, you know, it literally was like, someone just pulled the
rug, or you know, under my feet, I didn't understand how it can
happen. I didn't have a bad marriage, I didn't have anyone
that was abusive. I didn't have anyone I married my best friend.
So it was just, you know, betrayal, unfortunately, at the
end of the day, and he checked out, he thought the grass was
greener. And he still thinks that so at the end of the day, you
know, we both still single after six years of divorce. And I have
two young boys. And my first priority was making sure they
understood what was happening. At the end of the day, they were only
five and seven at that time, still young, but old enough to
understand that daddy's never coming home again. And at the end
of the day, you have to be very strong yourself and be the leader
in your house, even as a woman, even as someone who is probably
you know, not necessarily who is strong and doesn't have that
characteristic, you need to build it, not for yourself, but you got
to build it for your children, you now become Mom and Dad, you now
become the role model, you become that leader in your house. And if
you take control, I guarantee that they will be strong, right?
Whether they girls or boys, because they will see you grow,
they'll see you learn, and where have you got to put your focus on.
I didn't have time to think about anything. I had my moments where
yes, I was sad. I was you know, fairly, very angry, very, very
disappointed, you know, because he didn't just, you know, break this
family home. Yeah, I had to also own that there were certain points
that actually yeah, I could have been better. But at the same time
when someone breaks their own values, then that's just on them.
And you just got to let them in, let them be there all the time as
well, a woman gets stuck, because they're wondering, oh, but has he
got another wife? Has he got another family? Is he moving on?
And you know what? There's statistics and research that show
how do men and women react after a breakup. And overtime, men handle
it much worse than women. And you might say, well, that's not you, I
see him and he's out with his friends. And he's even moved on
into another relationship really quickly. But statistically, is
because that's how men show up. They don't have women to cry to
and they wouldn't even do it. If they did, they don't have like
friends like women, sorry, that or even girlfriends that they would
actually turn to where they can be vulnerable. Now women, we process
our emotions. And in that time, we can be angry screaming, we can
actually be even hateful, or whatever it is, but we're letting
it out. And that is part of the healing process. Whereas man, he
will maybe suppress it, or he will let it out in a different way in
order for you to actually, you know, for them to sort of be like,
okay, because they don't want to admit that either they have been
left to they have left and checked out themselves. And that's what
this is the cystic show, but over time, it's the women that actually
is stronger, and is the woman that actually has mental well being.
Okay, so you need to be very much aware that people are not showing
you their true selves, we have our true self and we have our project
itself. And that just doesn't happen when you're starting a
relationship that also happens after relationship. And I'm not
saying you need to be fake, but you need to be on autopilot. If
you cannot control your emotions, you need to do what you need to do
for your children and for yourself. And that a coach and
someone who's professional can take you through the process. I've
been through it myself. And afterwards, I learned the
techniques in order for me to move on. And at the same time, you need
to also give that person their right, it is so important that
that husband still has the right and your children has a right to
see that parent to to have that. Okay, I still invited him home
still, you know, dished out for him. Even as an ex wife, I still
made sure that my children had that relationship. Yes, it doesn't
apply to everyone, especially because there's a really simple,
you need to have a mediator there, you need to have someone involved.
I'm talking about general divorce, where there's just someone that's
checked out and for abuse or anything that is more detrimental.
But unfortunately, it is not even extreme cases, unfortunate those
extreme cases, those statistics are rising, they're on the high.
Okay. And at the same time, we we need to basically make sure that
we can actually understand that our body needs time to keep that
memory because we are basically built on memory and there's a
process in which the body needs to understand that we need to have
healthy memory in order to once again you
to have joy, love and peace, you need to have understanding that
growth and change is painful, but it's necessary. And obviously, if
the brain works on a program and a habit, then your thoughts and
actions are controlled by that sort of habit. And the brain
changes with thought, there's fMRI scans that show the way in which
you think lights up in a particular way. So if you work
with CBT, or NLP, sort of coaches and therapists, you can actually
build yourself to actually get those thoughts down to your habits
and down to your behaviors in a way that's going to serve you.
Now, like I said, there's neural pathways that are neutralizing,
you know, that needs neutralizing because your emotions needs
interruption, if you're going to constantly focus, you know, which
is basically something negative, then those pathways are going to
be rebuilding itself. And it's going to help you to sort of like,
basically keep those emotions alive, which is negative. And
unfortunately, what we need is interrupt that pattern. And
there's certain techniques that you can use in order to interrupt
that pattern as well. And when we established virtual in a work, the
self will help you through pain, meaning that you are now
understanding that your existence in life has been through that bond
and connection and partnership with yourself. And you may feel
incomplete or insufficient. But before you involve yourself in
anything, you need to know that your level of involvement you wish
is where you need to take yourself and have a different impact on
you, you got to turn inwards, you got to find yourself again, you
need to be alone, and it's fine to be alone, because we come alone,
we die alone. And when you have that sort of process, this is not
something that you need to just think about having another
relationship, you need to find yourself again, and you need to
basically forgive yourself and the other partner regardless, and you
need to put things to bed, so you do not have resentment. And again,
like I said, there's so many different stages, I'm rushing
through everything because of timing. And I've got so much more
to actually say, and I actually do this as a workshop, not just as
you know, like, a half an hour, 40 minutes kind of,
you know, basically talk, because there's really not enough and I'm
not giving you the value. But it's just a jumpstart for you to
understand that when we defined our define our expectations and
relationships, that's not saying that you are not entitled to
something which you deserve, because you are a value you are of
worth and a flow of a person should not make an entire
character. So if your partner has betrayed you, it doesn't mean that
they hold character. Is that, okay? They're they're also
struggling in their path. And when you look at things from a bird's
eye point of view, then you can have healing, for you to move on,
you won't have resentment and hate. And, you know, you need to
make sure that at the end of the day, that you know, you need to
check your your whole idea and acts of knowing your external
existence as to what is that you need. And whatever you need, you
think your spouse was the only one that can give it to you when
actually you realize that you can give it to yourself. And when you
can give it to yourself. Like I said, you will have completion as
a person, and you'll be hold yourself, and someone will never,
ever be able to drag you down or put you down. And again, the
meaning of life is to find your gift. And the purpose of it is to
give it away. And I'm just here as an individual to help and serve.
And if you ever need anything else, then I am basically you know
very much reachable and we can definitely I have so many tools
like you talk about the five like blammo lob languages, but actually
there's this further five more like understanding your partner's
nervous system awareness, commitment to each other's
freedom. Knowing when your egos are speaking non judgmental and
non interference understanding your partner's trauma. There's a
Drama Triangle, which means are you the persecutor, the rescuer or
the victim? Now, these are all psychological tools. There are
nonviolent communication. Now we talk about communication, but
there's different types of communication. So there's three
ego states, right? There's a parent, child, and adult ego
state. So when you are reacting and responding, you know, which
ego state are you? Are you using? If your child is basically having
a bow and a tantrum and you shouting back, you tell me what
ego state that is? Are you acting from an adult parent or child ego
state, in fact, you are the child as well. So all of these things
are so important. When I work with my clients, I work with
psychological tools and strategies. I understand the brain
how it works, that in order for you, to you to live along, knowing
that your brain is able to do this, and I'm not going to give
you tools and strategies that you know, basically which is a general
kind of note
I know that it's great to have these talks. But my main work is
what I do one to one coaching, where I tailor make my strategies
and tools for the client that is sitting in front of me, which is
individual, and it is a business and there is a cost and there is a
fee. So at the end of the day, I feel that if you really want to
have transformation, and then change in your life and move on to
another relationship and navigate into the marriage that can be so
fulfilling. After the first because I've seen it, I've
witnessed it, where first time was a trial, and even if it was for
years, the second the second time is definitely something that you
can be, you know, thriving in and you can learn from your mistakes,
your past is not there for you to remember, as in oh no regrets.
Your past is a memory for you to, you know, basically extract what
were the things that could be learned, and how could you
structure your future again, that is what memory is. And this is how
we live just by a memory and we create meaning for every memory.
And I will recreate your past by changing your meaning in order for
you to make sure that even if you live through trauma and been
through trauma, you can actually have a present and a future which
is much more relevant and much more serving to you your family
and society. Now I'm going to have to wrap up unfortunately, because
at the end of the day, and you know, I have other of you know, we
have other speakers that are actually waiting to speak, but
inshallah I have rushed through this talk in order to give you as
much content and value. But if you do want to reach me like I said,
please follow me on Instagram for Hema underscore F or email me via
my website on www.covid.com. And this was the most quickest
presentation that I've given with, you know, literally, you know, a
fraction of the content that I have, that I can use to help you
and serve you. Because this is not an easy time to go through. And
I'm just here to say that you know what, I'm here with you, I hear
you and we are sisters need to serve, support and serve each
other as sisters and look at the reality. Look at the statistics,
look at the facts before we go into making assumptions and
judgments and pointing fingers so that we can actually serve and be
the best to our sisters who are the real ones that are struggling
and needs help. So in sha Allah if there are maybe another session
for q&a I'm more than happy to be part of the panel if invited. Or
if you want me to do an Instagram Live to ask you answer any of your
questions. I'm willing to do that too. Just send me any of your
demon DMS and messages and hopefully we'll take it from
there. Thank you so much and Shukra New Zealand you all you
know blessed in in the future endeavors
thank you
so much, masha Allah ton of value there just look thank you for
bringing us a different perspective. I've got people now
who've decided to bring a huge truck outside my window and a skip
so if you can hear background noise guys you just let me know
please say your express your appreciation for Sister Hema in
the chat in sha Allah the food for thought they're just like a local
look here thank you so much this will see on Instagram in sha Allah
hey take care Salam bay because I can okay then hamdulillah right so
guys Masha Allah we are moving on with the much anticipated panel
that's coming up I'm just giving everybody a couple of minutes to
just stretch get some water
get
if there is if you can actually hear me clearly and because there
is this I can hear this truck outside very loudly I don't know
whether you guys can hear it as well.
Just let me know in sha Allah
and then also Eman or do you Nan Are you here in the room I need to
promote you to be panelist to join insha Allah and I can't see you as
yet
you can't hear the noise Alhamdulillah All good. All good.
hamdulillah excellent, masha Allah All right. Hamdulillah. So Coco
cool. So then it doesn't exist. Hollis? Right. So I've got some
very special guest coming up now. I just want to make sure that I'm
not sure where the other sister who Eman is. She doesn't look like
she's here yet. So we're going to move on with the program because
today's quite a packed day. So hopefully in sha Allah when she
does pin she can just send me a message to let me know that she's
here and I'll I'll get her in as a panelist in sha Allah, but let us
know
Do system highlight I'm gonna give you cohosting and Shaw so that you
can video on and we're gonna get in with this
our next topic inshallah bear with me one second inshallah.
Salam aleikum says Alico. SallAllahu taala. Can you hear me?
Think a bit more volume would be good. Okay, it's possible. Okay.
I'll try to raise my voice a little bit. Is that is that a
little bit better? Okay.
Let me check with everybody here actually got How are our sound?
Let's twin sister Omaha didn't I? Can you guys see it? Clearly Oh,
do we need more?
Volume? What's the question?
Okay, somebody's saying Please increase increase.
Maybe on your, on where we are the laptop or whatever you're using?
Maybe if you put volume up maybe
assign a is that you Eman?
Okay, good. All right. I'll bring you in as
I bring you in as a participant, a co host.
Okay.
Okay. I hope that you guys can hear this a little bit better.
That's
Oh, sister name is a lot louder and clearer than OMalley. Okay, I
am so sorry. I'm gonna keep it down. I'll keep it down. I'm gonna
put my volume down a little bit anyway. In Sharla. Okay.
Okay, somebody's saying that's better. Okay.
All right.
Cooking with cat.
I'm so excited
why they can sell. How are you? I'm trying to start my Oh, Hannah.
I am trying to start again. I've made you co host. Okay, there we
go. I've made you co host so, yeah, so I want to go. Sorry about
that. I don't know why it wasn't working. No, no.
No, it's do you have to have people in say
some reason when you're situated in Sharla?
Yeah, I'm good. handler so whenever you guys are ready. Okay,
we can't see you though. Oh, I can can't see you so I can see this
sister. Oh, oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, no, I can now you can Okay. Okay.
Well, my Yes. Yay. You can Okay, let's go. Let's just make
something here right now. Okay. My internet connection has been
playing up all weekend. If I drop sisters, I'm passing you the
baton. Okay, you know, we're here to talk about you know, if I
dropped for whatever reason, the ladies in the chat the VIPs
they'll look after you in sha Allah. We will be we are still
streaming on YouTube. So that will all continue and Laqad Allah Allah
if I help please just do what we are here to do which is to talk
about you're not only here to talk about and and if I don't come
back, just take q&a have the discussion when you're done. They
said I want to let go and just end the video and Hollis Inshallah,
but hopefully I'll be here. All right, so let's get started. Okay.
Bismillah let me do the recording
the Smilla salatu wa salam ala Rasulillah Assalamu alaykum
Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh everyone welcome to a very special
panel as part of the secrets of successful wives. And it is a kind
of panel you do not expect to see in a conference about marriage
right because today in this conference, we are going to be
talking about submission of IRA and other trigger words and we're
going to be discussing the impact of feminism and feminist ideas on
the Muslim community and on Muslim families and joining me Masha
Allah um I'm really honored to have the company have
been a much longer than I have mashallah who have been vocal and
have been learning and I've been teaching some of these ideas for
very, very long time so my first guest is on pilot and in case we
haven't met you on pilot, Katie familiar with you, could you
please just give us a bite sized look at who you
are where you can't your work be found and what it is that you that
you discuss. Now, Nam just me learning about man Rahim Al hamdu
Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa salatu salam ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa
ala alihi wa sahbihi Germain, a Santa Monica everyone. It's my
my honor and my pleasure to be here today does I follow five SR
now Hema, thank you so much for inviting me. This is you know,
truly an honor. And I'm very excited to be here. I'm very
excited about this, this discussion and hoping to learn a
lot Inshallah, from you guys and through this conversation.
So basically a quick summary of what I talked about basically I
write articles online and on Facebook and whatnot about
generally the topics of femininity, motherhood, womanhood,
marriage, until we after we have children, child rearing, or
parenting. And I've been thinking about feminism for a long time,
and kind of talking about it. Because I used to be a feminist.
So that's kind of the perspective that I'm coming from this kind of
background of being mentally colonized by the ideology of
feminism and being having to do the really hard work, and really
intensive kind of journey of D, programming my mind from the
poison of feminism, and trying to kind of purge all traces from my
thinking, from my mindset from how I approach life, because that's
really that's this is what feminism does it kind of
brainwashes you and it gets all the way in there in your thoughts
and your psyche. And it changes a lot of the things that you know,
you think about it taints the way that you think. So I write on
Facebook, you can find my Facebook page and Khalid on Facebook and
then I'm not I don't have a lot of time I have four children
hamdulillah Mashallah. And they're very young and I homeschool. So I
don't have a ton of time to be kind of all over social media, but
I am on Facebook. And then my husband and I actually have a an
institute. It's just an online platform with courses and it's
called LS Neff institute a Lesnar from the the Arabic phrase LS
Netherland by
Bob, but the only one who said that the day he became Muslim he
said it multiple times actually. But this idea of a lesson and and
how aren't we on the how aren't we on the truth? So why are we acting
like it? The idea of having is in Islam, and having dignity. So
that's generally who I am
Michael O'Hara and I think I came across your work mainly because I
think somebody tagged me in a post that you had written about, you
know, the feminist movement and you know, the woman who was
talking about her role in launching it through magazines,
etc. But we'll get to talk about that inshallah in a bit. Now, Eman
robber, you're here with us as well Masha Allah, people may be
familiar with you. They may or may not. But you went a little bit
viral, should I say a couple of months ago when you did a really
hard hitting Tik Tok that was talking about while critiquing
really the way that Muslim women have started to talk too much
about and to Muslim men on social media. Do you want to tell us a
little bit about what happened there?
Sara Lee Gorontalo who a better care to everyone. I am very, very
honored and blessed to be here. First and foremost. Thank you very
much. Just a NEMA for having me even inviting me in the first
place. May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless this gathering and inshallah
this is beneficial for the people who are watching.
So yes, I did make a tic tock video, I did not expect that kind
of reaction from that video. But yeah, I was basically talking
about how, you know, feminism has really
very much kind of closed the eyes of a lot of Muslim women where
they are complaining about things from a perspective that they don't
really understand where that perspective is actually coming
from, and the historical political implications of really what
they're saying and how it's actually really impacted. You
know, our whole community, you know, in starting with the family,
first and foremost, so, yeah, that was really the point of the video,
and trying to just really highlight those things that men
and women bickering in that way like these Gender Wars don't
they're not supposed to be in our community for sure. So that was
really the big goal of that video is just to kind of expose that you
know that that war that's going on? It's very unnecessary
I love it Masha Allah and we will link to the video after we've
closed out this inshallah we'll put the link to the video in the
description in the law. But like I said, you know, okay, feminism,
you know, critique of feminism, Gender Wars. I mean, it doesn't
sound very wifey reason, why are we talking about at a marriage
conference? So let me give a little bit of context to everybody
as to why I thought that this would be an appropriate subject
for us to to address right. And the genesis of this came when I
was at, I was invited by one of the perennial apps to take part in
discussion about gender equality in Islam. So there was an Imam,
there's there and then there were these other young ladies who
fluences who were also on the panel, and then there was the
founder. And the thing is, look
conversation we're having was about men's rights and women's
rights in Islam and you know how Islam has a whole system etc etc.
But when the the young lady started talking about the the
topic
use the
the the pink, okay? You know chauvinism, etc.
I became very aware of how the brothers in the audience must have
perceived these young women now, mashallah, to all intents and
purposes, these are lovely young women, you know, from good
families, educated, you know, one was in hijab, a beautiful girls,
Mashallah. So you'd think, you know, cool, but the way that they,
their minds are working, and the kind of programming that they were
clearly like, you know, they were clearly our program, right? So the
kind of software that had been downloaded, I couldn't help but
think you're going to really struggle when you decide that you
want to get married, because these ideas that you're holding and
these ideas that you now you believe to be true, right? And
they are your lens for the world. These ideas are damaging for any
relationship with when a potential relationship with a man but with
so I just thought, you know, what, if so many of our young girls,
especially young millennials, xennials coming up, have absorbed
these attitudes from the environment.
Sale right with thinking that Islam as a feminist religion, and
you know, all of this kind of thing, which, you know, mashallah
some girls have actually sent me DMS, asking me to break it down,
how many of them are going to go into the next phase of their lives
holding on to these toxic ideas and destroying their futures? So
before we get into that, so that's the context of why I thought this
conversation was was. But before we get into that, can we give a
definition of feminism when we talk about feminism, many people
will say, But feminism is just women. And, you know, if you're
against if you're anti feminist, you're anti women's rights. And of
course, as Muslims, we believe in women's rights, therefore, we're
feminists who would like to debunk that?
I guess I can start inshallah. So feminism is not just about women's
rights, it's definitely way more than that. So the thing is about
feminism is that it's a movement to change societal perceptions of
women, you know, expectations of women.
attitudes towards women, right. But it's also a movement that's
political, it's looking to change, the law is looking to change, you
know, the landscape of women in politics, and, you know,
everything underneath that. So feminism in its, you know,
holistic view is actually a socio political system, or ideology,
right? It's, it's looking to change society and politics in
favor of women. It's not just about women's rights. So that's
how I would typically define feminism that is a socio political
ideology. Because it looks to actually change both of those
things. Right. And, you know, as we know, there's several waves of
feminism. So it's, it kind of gets into these nuances. Well, what
kind of feminism are you even talking about? Because, you know,
if we want to use more cinematic terms, there's many of you that
have a feminism right, and they don't really agree on anything. So
becomes actually very confusing. What are you even talking about to
begin with?
Yeah, so that's how I would define it, and probably the most simplest
way, because I feel like if you get into all the different types
of feminism becomes very subjective, right, but we need
concrete definitions to understand what it is in its totality. And
something that makes sense as a definition for all forms of
feminism, which I think would definitely be a socio political
ideology. Regardless if you're a radical feminist, or if you're a
liberal feminist, and LGBTQ feminist or, you know, whatever
you want to, you know, subscribe to. So.
Yeah, I think I completely agree. I concur with you, sister. Amen.
And I would I also see exactly what you're saying, which some
people refer to as the No True Scotsman fallacy, which is
basically what you're saying about shifting the definition
constantly. So that if you say, hey, feminism goes against Islam
in this in this way, certain Muslim feminists who call
themselves Muslim feminists, which to me is an oxymoron. Some people
will say, that's not real feminism. You don't know what
feminism really means, right? This is, you know, a true feminist
doesn't say XY and Z. This is why we call it the No True Scotsman
fallacy, right? So there's, you know, so whatever you say the
definition is constantly being shifted and changed around to
exclude the example the counter example that you're giving to
refute what they're saying. So, you know, you're constantly moving
the goalposts just to make feminism seem okay. So this is a
trick that we see a lot of feminists unfortunately, who
happen to also be Muslim, using and employing and this is
You know, so I think to get at the heart of feminism, I agree with
you, it is exactly those two things, as well as in a very
simple way. How I think of feminism is simply an attack on
the patriarchy, right? Feminism because, again, given the No True
Scotsman fallacy, feminists will constantly say, Oh, no real
feminists don't think this are real feminist don't adhere to that
or subscribe to that, you know, commitment. But all feminists
agree on the evilness the inherent evilness of this patriarchy,
right? And so that's something that no true Feminists can get
away from, right? If you want to pin them down, you say, Well, do
you if you ask a woman who says you know, I'm a feminist? If you
ask, Hey, do you agree with the patriarchy? Do you subscribe to
that? Do you think the patriarchy is a good thing? And if she says
yes, I think the patriarchy is a good thing. She's not a feminist,
no feminist would have her. Right. Does that make sense? So this idea
of this opposition to the so called much maligned patriarchy
that is, you know, kind of at the core of what feminism really is,
through all the waves, and through all of the different things, you
know. And so I think that's, that's how I would very simply
kind of very succinctly get to the heart of what feminism really is
what they agree on. Yeah, for sure. I 100% agree, by the way, in
the fact that it is an oxymoron.
It's, it's, it's as if you're saying that Islam is not complete.
It's also like you're saying, you know, I submit to Allah, but I'm
also going to try to, you know, break down some of the things that
Islam does adhere to, right. So it does have those types of
contradictions in them, which, you know, whether you realize it or
not, it becomes something that you're, you're inhibiting your
your Aikido really, and you're talking when you do that, right?
ascribing to a Western ism that has actually been inherently
colonial since its conception.
It doesn't really make sense from a, you know, Islamic Aikido
perspective. And it also doesn't make sense, the fact that you're
Muslim, right? Like, don't you stand with your fellow Muslims?
Don't you ascribe to the way that we want to bring justice for
ourselves? Right? Like, why would you adhere to people who have used
this ideology time and time again, and still use it to attack Islam,
to degrade Muslim women and to still colonize us? We're not We're
not independent people. Yeah. And he, like, anyone who waves a flag
on these fake Independence Days need to maybe wake up a little
bit, because we're not independent at all. You know, we are still
colonized. Right? And, you know, people need to realize that for
sure.
Yeah, subhanAllah like, I completely, I get exactly what
you're saying about, you know, bringing it all together and
contextualizing it in way. And I think, for me, for the benefit of
the
people who are watching women who are watching who call themselves
feminists, there may be some who say, I'm not a feminist, I just
believe in women's rights, okay, or I'm a Muslim, I don't need to
be feminist. And there's, there's varieties, right? I think what's
interesting to me is how feminist ideas have gone under the radar
and show up. And you don't even know that it's fun as sisters will
say things or will view things using a particular lens, thinking,
well, that's just the way it is. Or that's just, of course, you get
that way or see it that way, not realizing that, well, that's a
feminist idea, or that's due to feminism. So as an example, from
my understanding, feminism is, is a worldview, right? So it's a
worldview. It's a belief system, actually, it's a belief system,
which has its own version of the past, and its own version of the
present and its own version of the future. And when you adopt a
feminist lens, and you look at the past, and this is those four
sisters who are wondering, like, what is this about? For example,
we know that the prophets of Allah were all men, right? This is,
that's known. As far as most of us are concerned, this is just a fact
about our religion, right? When you use a feminist lens to look at
the fact that all men were all prophets were men, this is now
problematic, okay? It becomes problematic. Why? Because it's a
symbol of patriarchy. It's unfair. It's an equal. So women were not
good enough to be prophets, you have started to have a whole
discussion about you know, why is it like that? It's not fair. Why
men X Y, Zed. Similarly, with every aspect of our deen, where
the man has a role and the woman has a role, if you look at any of
those with a feminist lens, you're going to have a problem with it.
You know, and this was the, the the this was this was the issue
that, you know, you'll see a lot of young Muslims
I'm comfortable with, right because they've imbibed the
feminist teachings, but they're also Muslim. So they have the
feminism in them. It's can
addition in them, but then they're looking at the dean that trying to
make sense of the dean at the same time and finding that it's not
making sense, right? Because from a feminist angle, it doesn't make
sense, right. So I think for me that the important thing that I'd
like to get out of this discussion as a starting point is how is
feminism showing up to me, in the Muslim community, aside from the
people preaching it, aside from sort of the socio political angle?
How is it showing up in ordinary Muslim women today? That's what
I'm really interested in.
Yeah, I think maybe I'm kind of you'd like to start. I'm sure I
can get us started. Inshallah, you can add, definitely, you know,
more to the list. But just off the top of my head, the biggest thing
that feminism kind of seeps into our thinking through is this idea
of men are bad. We are blaming men for a lot of things that they are
not to be blamed for. Right. And actually, so one thing that I
wanted to I this idea is a very new idea. I just had this idea
literally a couple of days ago, but I want to share it with you
guys and kind of get your feedback and get your thoughts on this,
both of you guys and our sisters in the audience inshallah. But
I've been looking recently into the idea. This isn't psychology
research, but the idea of narcissism, narcissism, I don't
know if you guys have ever heard of this. It's a personality
disorder, basically. And we use the word kind of colloquially,
like, oh, this person is such a narcissist, you know, like, Oh,
they're just she's so self absorbed, or he's so self
centered. This is narcissism. But really, the idea of narcissism
when you hear psychologists talking about it, and counselors
and therapists, we're actually counseling people with narcissism
or people who deal with or in relationships with a narcissist.
It's a deadly, deadly thing. It's very damaging, and these people
leave. They wreak havoc on people's lives, because of a
certain, a certain way that they think and a certain mindset that
they have, that they've adopted for whatever reason, what
basically what the thought that I have now, is that I think it seems
to me that feminism teaches women a certain degree of narcissism.
I'm not saying it makes women into full blown narcissists, because
that's an actual personality disorder. But I see so many
similarities will lie, and it's so creepy to see the similarities and
the alignment between certain things within the mindset of a
feminist, and how a narcissist works, how narcissism actually is.
And basically, I'll give you guys some examples. The first thing is
narcissists have this exaggerated sense of self importance. They
have this inflated ego, like I am very special. I am an extremely
brilliant person. I am courageous, I'm special. I'm smart. I'm, I
know more than you. I've, you know, I'm more accomplished than
you all of these things. This is what makes one a narcissist,
right? You have this exaggerated sense of your own self and your
own ego and your ego has been inflated artificially, right?
Well, you're not really that special. You're just a regular
human being, but you see yourself as better than everybody else. And
in Islam, we call this idea, Kimber. Right, Kimber? We can't be
you can't have Kib in your heart. This impedes one's entering into
Jana. May Allah save us from that? Well, this is a thing that I've
noticed in the feminist mindset, right? Women and like I
specifically I as this specific woman, and this individual person,
me, I'm, I am good. I am better than this, this and this, but also
women as a class, just as a gender women are better than men. Men are
men just men suck. Men are inferior, men are rapists. Men are
violent. They're toxic masculine, they have male privilege, right?
So all of these things, we put down men to put ourselves up here
above them. So this is the first thing this is narcissism, right?
And that's at the core of that. And then the second thing is
entitlement. Because when you're when you have this inflated view
of yourself, and this exaggerated importance that you're giving
yourself, you also feel entitled, right? Because I'm so special. You
only you owe me quite a lot, right? You got to keep giving
giving me this, this and this, and it's not enough. Whatever I do get
I'm not going to be content with it. I don't have contentment. I
don't have Conair right now we call this and it's now Connor,
where are you? You receive things, whatever rights you you get, and
I'm delighted hamdulillah I'm happy with this. This is what
Allah has set for me. This is what Allah has decreed. And I'm happy
with it, you know, rely upon our contentment, but feminism does not
teach this at all. Subhanallah feminism is the opposite. You feel
entitled, as you said straight men. Feminism is looking to change
to change the law. Right? Legally, we want more or less, you know,
legal rights for women. We want women to be able to have abortions
as they please. We want women to have third trimester abortions.
That should be the right of a woman. Right? Just kind of like
almost like land grabbing. There's just like rights grabbing, you're
grabbing rights, far, far beyond the rights that you actually get,
but you're not happy with what you get by Allah. So you are trying to
get more and more because you feel entitled, this is narcissism. Now
the third point that I kind of thought of is this idea of a lack
of empathy. Like
If I have this exaggerated sense of myself and my own importance,
and I have this ego problem, and I think I'm entitled to all of these
things that are far more than I do, then I also just don't care
how you feel, how it makes you feel for me to get my rights
because in my mind, they are my rights, these things are what I'm
owed. And I'm not going to worry my pretty little head too much
about how that makes you feel, especially if you are man, that's
like the last thing I care about. So it's this ingrained, kind of
lack of empathy, lack of sympathy for a mother, right. And then also
not just men, I don't just not care about how men are affected or
how they might be feeling. But also children, right? My own
children, if I need to go out and make that money and get that job
and smash that glass ceiling, and slay the patriarchy, all these
things that I'm supposed to do as a feminist, then certain people
will suffer, but I'm not going to care as much, I don't have that
much empathy. So my children, that's fine, they will be raised
some other way somebody will figure it out, oh, my husband is
going to suffer as fine. My home is going to be cold and empty.
That's fine. We're gonna get a maid we're going to order takeout.
It's fine. You know? So all of these things society, the idea of
the family breaking down, I don't care too much about that, because
I am looking out for number one, the society how it affects society
as a whole. Again, not my problem, right? So this lack of empathy,
this is again straight narcissism. Now the fourth thing, there's five
things so bear with me, I'm almost done. The fourth thing is this
victim complex. Like having this victim mentality, where you are
simply a martyr, you're just this perpetual martyr, lifelong
murderer, and a narcissist, their one of their core things is I have
been wronged. I am a long suffering victim. This is part of
why I'm entitled, it's you owe me all these things, because you've
wronged me so badly. But you know, like, I've just been wronged again
and again and again by everybody. And it nothing is my fault. I
didn't do anything to cause my own misery. You have caused my misery
and her and her and him and him. Like, this is how a narcissist
thinks this is why Narcissus is so damaging, and so chaotic, because
they can't take any personal responsibility, and they have no
accountability for their actions. And which leads us to the fifth
thing, the fifth point, a commonality between feminism and
narcissism, which is having a scapegoat. And having a scapegoat
is very important to a narcissist and a feminist because if things
are not your fault, it's got to be somebody's fault, right? It can't
be like, Hello, mother or father or Okay, under a law much effort.
That's not the mentality. The mentality is if there's a problem,
if I if there's a shortcoming, it's certainly not my shortcoming.
No, no, no, no, this is somebody's problem. And it's your problem. If
this is your fault, because nothing is my fault. So basically,
this is called blame shifting, right? Where you're just shifting
blame. And you're kind of like, expertly dodging all kinds of
blame, because you don't want to be blamed for anything, because
you don't have that will take some integrity that will take some
personal responsibility and having some kind of accountability. And a
narcissist is unable to do that. And feminism teaches women to have
these types of crazy mindsets and these kinds of deflections, and
you know, literally, like one thing that made this kind of
clicked for me the other day, was when I was thinking of, if you
tell a feminist, well, you could have done maybe this differently,
or that situation could have been avoided if you had just simply
done this or that other action. Guess what you're doing? You're
blaming the victim, you bigot, how dare you? Right? Yeah. So it's
just crazy on what you'd like to me like having done this research
on narcissism. This is what it reminds me of its max feminism
smacks of narcissism. And it's very unhealthy. So yeah, I'm just
I'm sitting here smiling because I'm just like, yeah, yes. Yeah.
Like,
like you go sis, honestly hit the nail exactly on the head. Like,
perfectly. It definitely brews a lot of arrogance in women. And
what I would add to that, because for me, I like to think of things
a little bit more historically. And so that you've taken more of a
psychological perspective, which I think is really beneficial. But
from a, you know, historical perspective, like the feminist
movement, you know, began as you know, Judeo Christian women, but
by the time the second wave came, you know, I, my observation is
that it was really hijacked by atheist women. Now, feminists, you
know, under feminism, you can believe whatever you want, right?
You can believe in God and not believe in God. But you know, from
the second wave onwards, the things they advocate for are
things that even Christians disagree with, right? Christians
don't agree with abortion, Christians don't agree with
fornication or * and those things so the behaviors that
have been promoted are more atheist, ungodly in nature, and
atheism itself. Even if we look at the behaviors that are promoted,
they're very individualistic, very materialistic, very dunya. Right,
which really be bruised everything that you were talking about,
right. You know, a lot of arrogance, you know, and I think
how this actually is reflected, you know, with most of the women's
now we have sisters who are asking for my her of $70,000 $100,000
Because if he can't afford it, he's broke. That's not my problem.
I'm worth that much and it becomes a
I'm actually really contradictive. Right? Because, you know, even I
guess just using the example of the Muhammad, like the Mahara, the
point of it is to, you know, show the commitment and readiness of
the man to marry you, right? It's, it's a gift, really, you know. But
when you put a price tag, you've actually just devalued yourself.
And you've said that you're worth $70,000. But actually, the reality
of the woman is that we're actually priceless. So I would
prefer you not put a price tag on me, right? We're really going to,
you know, go from that perspective, right, you've
actually devalued women by putting this, you know, amount on
yourself.
And it's also comes up in, you know, again, like you mentioned,
areas of dispute, I think name is back home to
Michelle vaxis.
Okay, I think she's just connecting Inshallah, yeah. Yeah,
you know, we also have sisters who really are finding that
empowerment in an area that's really not actually empowering.
You know, especially, you know, her Muslim, as they've attacked
our hijab, they've attacked family life from the court, and, you
know, they've actually really fed women that your strength comes
from being alone, actually, being independent, doing your own thing
being, you know, you know,
on your own for a very long time, and not every, you know, I'm not
trying to, you know, paints feminists with the same brush,
because they're not the same. And I think that we do have to
consider that. But the majority, you know, view of feminists is,
you know, delay marriage, don't get married early, because if you
get married early, he's going to stop you from pursuing your hopes
and dreams, right? He's gonna keep you locked up in the house, he's
not gonna let you do anything. Right? That idea is actually very,
from a historical perspective, it's very anti Islam. It's very
colonial actually. Because even from the conception of feminism,
right, in the mid 1800s,
the it was said that the and this is also really promoted with Karl
Marx, because Karl Marx said in his Communist Manifesto, the you
know, crux of female oppression is her role in the nucleus family,
right? He said that. So, feminists from day one have been dragged
trying to really attack the family and break down the family. Because
if you're a woman and you need a man, then you're weak. But that's
not actually true. That's the thing that's actually wrong.
Actually working together. As a team, a man and a woman with your
family unit is actually strength. That's actually what you know,
keeps you afloat, right? Mentally, physically, emotionally, you have
support, right, but these lone wolf women, you know, which is
again, the majority, not all of them, but the majority. You know,
you're basically live, you know, you're kind of dangling yourself
on a string, and then trying to find support with other women and
like, well, if you need support, then why don't you just do it in
the family? Like how Allah subhanho wa Taala has prescribed
you to do that, instead of saying, I'm going to be a lone wolf and
then, you know, women have to support me and if they don't
support me, then they have internalized misogyny. Right?
Because that's, that's also what happens, right? You know,
mashallah, everybody has apparently a, you know, they're
professionals in psychology, they can diagnose you with self hate,
right off the bat, you know, a number of times, the number of
times people online have called me, a self hating woman or a, you
know, I've internalized misogyny or I have Stockholm Syndrome, or
I, I'm my husband's slave, I am my husband's puppet. I am my
husband's mouthpiece. It is it's unbelievable. It's like Malay, you
know, you gotta give it to these people. They are very creative.
They are persistent, like a dog with a bone. They are, you know,
like, yeah, you know, I'm not even married yet. And I get it.
I'm not even married yet. So, yeah, I've been I've had women say
that to me, as well. And also, you know, you're a man sympathizer,
and things like that. And actually, it's weird because
feminists want to promote, you know, women sisterhood, which
actually, you know, Islam does promote that sisterhood for sure.
100%. But at the same time, if you don't agree with them, well, then
they're going to, like basically shun you. Right, which is not
sisterhood. You're a dirty mean. So it's a little bit
contradictive.
Yeah.
So the electricity went, can you guys hear me? Yeah, yes. Good to
have you back. Yes.
I think you know, the, the there's some chats. There's some comments
in the chat that I think should really we should address. Yeah.
The one in particular, talking about sort of, you know, looking
after women and looking after women's rights, etc. But I think
the the bottom line
for me, that, that the bottom of the thing that we've normalized in
our society, is this idea that it's men versus women, that men's
interests are exclusive.
To them, and women's women have to fight for their own interests and
have to fight for their rights and have to fight men for their
rights. And I think obviously, it would be disingenuous of us to say
that there is this came from nowhere, right that this was a
colonial implant. I don't believe that to be the case. Because I
think we know that Allah subhanaw taala gave us rights as Muslim
women, and different cultures have engaged with those rights very
differently, right. In some cultures, certain women's rights
have been standard, you know, from time, and in other cultures, they
just haven't you know, that it's interesting to see which ones do
get respected and which ones you know, and are given as a standard,
which ones aren't probably a great sociological study,
anthropological study, but the idea that women have to defend
other women, women have to stand for other women, and that the
basis of our top one, if you like, is our womanhood and our shared
women's experience. I think I see that a lot in Muslim women in
general, you know, our loyalty is to other Muslim women or other
women, regardless of what the what the situation is, and whether you
know, Islamically we know where the truth lies. You'd rather side
with the sisters, even if they're upon bottle than side with a
brother. Right? Because the brothers are the enemy. The
brothers are the bad guys. The brothers are the ones making our
lives difficult. The brothers are the ones oppressing us and
divorcing us and and making our lives difficult. So I don't know
what what do you think about that perspective? I completely I
completely agree. I this as you were talking Sr. Nyima, I was
remembering something that I read, again, another psychological
reference. I wasn't a psych major in college. I actually majored in
anthropology, social anthropology, but I really liked psychology. So
basically, what you what you said reminded me of this thing that is
basically this in group bias. And apparently psychologists have
found through a lot of research and a lot of different studies,
that men and women think very differently when it comes to what
the in group is the in group versus the out group, right, the
your own group, and then whoever counts as the other, right. So
that's in group versus out group. And for men, they found that the
man's in group is his is his kin, his which, which means people
related to him, regardless of gender, and he is going to protect
his wife, his children, his mother, his father, even even you
know people in the in group who are not directly related to him,
but they are part of the tribe, right? This is the man's in group
you will die, he will literally stand in the face of bullets, to
get himself hurt or wounded or possibly killed, to save other
people, especially if there are women and children, but part of
his in group right. And generally in today's times, this means his
family, his wife and his kids, you will He will do anything to save
you He will you are his in group, right. That's how his mind works.
But for women, as you said, Sister Nyima, this is fascinating Wallahi
This is very, very interesting stuff. Women they think very
differently are in group is not our kin we don't mirror the man in
that way. We actually are in group is along gender lines, across
faith lines across you know, socio economic lines is actually gender.
So we will side with other women who are Christian atheists,
secular LGBT, whatever, whatever, whatever. They don't even have to
be Muslim. But because she's a female, like, I'm a female, I'm
I'm going to stick up for her. I'm on her side, against my own
father, my own son, my own brother, my own husband, because
we don't share a gender. Even though he stands up. He's standing
up for me. if push came to shove, He will protect me, because I'm in
his in group, but he's not in my ingroup. Do you see that
disparity? This is? Isn't that shocking? Or like this is
fascinating? Yeah.
Yeah. So I think
so far, what we've kind of discussed is more. So an
biological thing is it's just a biological factor. Women are how
does it work? Yes, actually, this is, let me see if I can find it. I
can try to cite the actual I actually wrote a Facebook post
about this, but a year ago, but let me try to find this. It's
called in group bias. Oh, can you guys
name it? Can you hear me?
Go on the manual saying. Okay, I see what you're saying. Yeah, no
problem. So yeah, I was just saying that I think so far what
we've touched upon is more so an ideological approach to feminism
and how it's affected and kind of the big picture. But there's lots
of reasons why a woman would actually ascribe to feminism, you
know, baby, most of the time it is because of their experience with
men. Right. And, you know, that's not the only reason maybe, you
know, some sisters or maybe just uneducated on feminism itself.
Right. Like, like you mentioned earlier, Nyima, like a lot of
girls think feminism is women's rights, but like they don't have
that historical background. They just maybe aren't aware of what
feminism actually entails. Or maybe, you know, you know, may
increase them beneficial knowledge, but maybe also they're
not as educated in the deen. So
They don't understand that the deen actually doesn't align with
feminism right? So that's an education is also a factor. So So
I think that you know us we do have to consider that and try our
best to educate Inshallah, but a lot of women do ascribe to
feminism which I think is the majority reason is because of
their poor experience with men. I think you know, that maybe a
little bit, you know, to address the brothers is beyond the scope
of this conference, but inshallah maybe we'll have another event or
conference something to address to address the brothers. But you
know,
it again, like I'm Khalid was mentioning women think
differently, women think more of, you know, within their gender
lines, and within their group, right, so they will stand by that
group, no matter what, right, and they will actually find sympathy
with that group because of a shared common experience. And
women will feel as if they have experienced that experience that
you experienced, even though I didn't know that this over
victimization, when you yourself didn't actually experience any of
those things, but you feel like you did, because another woman
did. Right. And they feel like they aren't, you know, attached to
that other person, that experience, which makes them more
vocal, more, you know, attached to that group, and what they're going
to ascribe to what they're going to fight for. Right? Over, you
know, other things. But I think, again, as most of the women, right
Muslims in general, the brothers to, you know, we have Islam,
right, like, Alyssa kind of went to did not leave anything out for
us. So even if you're a woman who's had a hardship, which are,
you know, there are lots of women who go through very valid
hardships, right, they go through things, but feminism is not your
solution for those hardships. Right. And, you know, the typical
response to this is that, well, Islam is not implemented in
today's society. So we only have feminism, right. That's the only
thing we have to actually fight for us. Which honestly, I think I
disagree with that. But I also feel sad, because it's like, we
should be, you know, we should listen to this and take it on us
to actually do better, right, we should be helping our sisters more
who are going through a hard time, you know, and we should be
providing more services, UVB educational courses, and maybe
even actually try to change the law, maybe not in the West, but
maybe in the east, you know, actually implement things that are
actual legitimate services for us to get what Allah subhanaw taala
has given us, right, which is I think what you know, that that one
in the long term is looking to do, right? So for if we if we as
Muslims want to actually change our situation, which I'm sure all
of us do, because the Ummah across the board, not just women were
oppressed, it doesn't matter if you're a racialized minority,
you're a woman, you're a disabled person, etc. It doesn't matter.
Muslims are an oppressed people, like I mean, look at the Yemen,
look at Palestine. Look, it's Kashmir, the Uyghurs like this is
not
just a women's thing, this is a Muslim thing, right? It's in
you're connecting it to what's inhabits it, right, like feminism
is makes the one narcissistic everything about the woman at the
you know, discrediting everybody else. But the thing is about Islam
and arsenic movement is that it's actually fighting for everybody.
It's not just about women, it's about anyone who is suffering,
right, which is a lot of people. It's not just about us, which is,
you know, what I was trying to get across actually, in my tic toc
that I made the name of the one that you mentioned.
The point is, is that, you know, focusing on just women is, is a,
it's not going to produce results for you because it's too
individualistic, right? You're not actually looking at the big
picture. We're not here to fight one another, or to fight for my
rights and ignore yours, actually, by helping you I'm actually
helping myself by educating, you know, helping brothers, I'm
helping women and vice versa by helping women you're helping
brothers to, right and, you know, by extension, other Muslims as
well. So it's really a big picture. It's not just about us.
Right? So I think I'll leave it at that inshallah and see what you
guys have to say as well.
Yeah, well, I think the what also comes to mind is about this idea
of it's about everybody, it's not about just the women, because this
is this lacks depth, if you it's almost like you shut off one eye
or close one eye and you're looking just with one eye, you
lack depth of perception that way. So if you're just like, No, I'm
gonna ignore them in and just close my eyes to them and their
needs, or two children or the elderly or society or whatever.
And we're just gonna focus on women's rights. This lacks depth.
This is like the Gen, you know, the Gen is one it that idea of
lacking depth of perception and not seeing things correctly and
being angry at reality because you can't really see reality, you
know?
And this reminds me of a worthless team will be happy to let you join
me and well at the federal right. This is this idea Well, I thought
team will be heavily lucky Jamie and cling to the rope of Allah
altogether well out of our repo and do not scatter, don't be
divided, don't be separated. And this is what part of what feminism
does is it creates an us versus them mentality of clashing,
constantly clashing women butting heads against men and clashing
with them and fighting with them. And the reality is, we're all on
the same team. We are all Muslims and Hamdulillah this is one OMA
it's not a female Old Man and the male or male over here, right?
This is one Oma. And I think a much better way to conceptualize
things is to think about it as in terms of family, right? We have to
the family is one team. It's not men over here and women over here
that there's no, there's no divide across gender lines, remember, we
were talking about and the name of this is actually what I was trying
to reference earlier, I just looked it up. It's something
called the automatic in group bias, because it's automatic, it's
kind of this knee jerk reaction. But I think if our automatic in
group bias is to Allah and His messenger, Allah, He or SULI, you
know, I like to sort of set him and then to our Ummah, now and our
Ummah, today, especially locally, that just means your family, your
family and your community. So erase those gender lines, and
erase this idea that it has to be me versus you. If you go down.
That means I go up, right? This is narcissism, right? This is, as I
was mentioning earlier, but if I am unhappy, or I'm down, that
means you're automatically benefiting off of me being a
victim victimizing me, right? So we got to erase those kinds of
false lines that this is from Trayvon. This is really from
Japan, this is a Satanic agenda. And that's what feminism really is
trying to create. It's wreaking havoc, and it's creating false
lines of division, that divide us from one another, and that there's
no need for that we can be together and think of it in terms
of family, we want the family to succeed, the family is a team,
we're all on the same team, I want to help my husband, and my husband
wants to help me, I want to see him succeed. And I'm going to
support him as much as I can. And he wants to see me succeed in sha
Allah, and he's going to support me as much as he can. And that
looks very different. And we can get into this idea in sha Allah,
if you guys want to write about gender roles on this, and that,
you know, so I'm going to help him but that's not going to look
exactly the same as he helping me it's going to look different, but
they're both help. I'm helping him and supporting him. And he's
helping and supporting me, not, it's not identical in the way that
that manifests itself. But, you know, the idea is, we're all on
the same team. I'm not going to score like an own goal, and be
happy about that. Right.
Definitely. And I think you mentioned gender roles. And I
think that we definitely need to talk about gender roles, because
certainly, you know, I describe myself as a recovered feminist,
because that was my background. And to be honest, I'll tell you
guys a story. I was in Nigeria for four series of talks. And
another name, there was a chef who is very well known chefs upon a
lot, and I can't believe that his name has escaped me. And my def,
short brother, oh, what's his name?
Winter that everybody knows him. He shall do Council in London
anyway. I can't remember. It's pilots. Literally, his name is
escaping me. Anyway, he said to me, sister Nyima, I see you're
doing very good work with the sisters. Mashallah. And you know,
you we need to really support you as you're giving this hour. You
know, I'd like you to really incorporate something into your
message. I said, What's that? He said, You really need to start
wanting the sisters about feminism.
I looked at it and I was like, what? Excuse me? Because I'm here
thinking, No, Brother, you need to start telling the brothers to fix
up. Okay, you need to start telling the brothers to stop doing
you know, all the things that we heard in the previous talk, you
know, stop divorcing women stop secret wives. Stop this. Stop
this. You need to be doing that. Yes, Chef hates and that's
correct. You know that, you know, this feminism is not our problem.
Okay, the sisters are suffering right now. You need to work on
these brothers. And no, I'm not going to go and tell the sisters
and warn them about feminism and remind them to be wives and
mothers and all of this stuff. You thought that brothers out and then
the sisters will be okay. So I didn't say anything of that. Of
course I just said Mashallah. Yeah, inshallah we'll see. We'll
see how it goes. But I was like, No.
I like and, you know, we like, like I said, we absorb feminist
understandings and feminist readings, even of the dean, you
know, very subtly, you know, very subtly. That's why, like I said,
for some people, it may be very surprising what feminism that's
some deep political ideological stuff. Why are we talking about
when it comes to Wi Fi, but because it actually does impact
the way that we see our role as Muslim women. Right. And, you
know, please feel free to kind of push back on this or correct me if
I'm wrong, but my understanding of feminism is that it's centralizes
male roles, right? It centralizes male power, and it wants that
power, right. So it's almost like the way that feminism has
developed the the characteristics in a
woman that it champions that the way that it pushes a woman to
succeed, you know, what she should want etc, is very masculine, we
are encouraged to be as masculine as possible, right to in order to
be able to succeed right to to to fulfill our potential to be the
best version of ourselves to be a strong, powerful woman. What does
it mean? It means to be very masculine and to compete with men,
right and to dominate men, this is this is what I'm seeing, right.
And if I have a, I sometimes clip pictures from Instagram on my
phone, because there are a lot of those boss babe type of Instagram
accounts. And the type of languaging that they use is this
language of basically, as a woman, grow some components, okay? Be
like a man because men got where they got because they were, they
were powerful, they were dominant, they were loud, they were brash,
they didn't care about people's feelings, the therefore as a
woman, you need to do the same thing so that you can achieve that
objective, right? So you can have all the material things. So you
can have the power so you can have the material wealth so that you
can have the status, all of this dunya stuff. Now, my issue with
that is no fairplay to any and any of us that are educated many of us
on these panels, many of us got degrees degrees masters, no
worries. But the issue for me is, as feminists pushed into competing
in what was traditionally a man's world, what did they then do to
what was traditionally the woman's role?
Absolutely degraded? Absolutely downplay it, absolutely. say that
this is not something worthy of you, as a powerful woman, you
should not want that you shouldn't be striving for that. And
certainly like if the sooner you can get out of that, the better.
So you can go and achieve dreams. And this is the stuff that's
showing up. This is the kind of thing that I'm seeing with Sisters
where you know, to be what would you mean, you don't work? You
know, whereas at one point in our history not very long ago, a woman
being a full time assistant, being a full time wife and mother, this
was it was normal. And mashallah she had a lot of status because
she's our own home, you know, she's doing her thing. She's being
responsible right? Now, if that's not enough, that's a downgrade. In
fact, what you need to be doing is all of these other things that
society is telling us to do. And if we, God forbid, meet a brother,
who wants a stay at home wife, oh, my goodness. Carla was cut him off
be he is problematic. He's toxic. He's ancient. He's this. He's that
he's that. And in fact, subhanAllah there was actually an
advertising campaign based on that of young Muslim women kind of
swiping, they looked like they were swiping on an app. And when
the brother said, I'd like a wife who can cook, swipe left. So seems
like he better not be expecting me to cook. Going back to the team.
Team name. But do you see what I mean about it's in the society
it's like it's it's almost this inherent bias against traditional
feminine female roles, and an inherent inherent like inherent
attraction to what men do what men say what men do, even this whole
thing about, you know, the way that sexual values have changed in
society, the way sexual mores have changed, if anyone's on tick tock,
and you see the way that these girls parade themselves and the
kinds of things they do and the kinds of things they say, Why?
Because men have always done that. You know, men have always had
multiple partners, men have always this men have always, now we get
to do it, too. It's this almost deification of a version of
masculinity. And it's saying that that's where the happiness
passwordless success is that all women should be sleeping around
making a lot of money, living free, no responsibilities and
living your best life. I don't know. Anyway, this is this is what
I see. Yeah, yeah. 100% and I think it has to do with a lot of
vocabulary. You'll hear feminists and whether they're Muslim or not
Muslim. You hear a lot of feminists will say when they talk
about a housewife, right? They'll say yeah, a housewife, bla bla, no
adjective just housewife. But then when they describe, you know, a
career women they always add independence and liberated as an
adjective. There's always this extra vocabulary to describe a
career woman as if adults will liberated and maintenance right
and again, like I mentioned strong the word strong. Yeah, strong but
they use independent a lot as well. But I think this
independence it's a kind of a sham, right? This this lone wolf,
like I mentioned earlier, like it's, that's actually not strength
and now don't get me wrong. There's some, you know, sisters
who end up in a really bad situation where they actually
don't have a choice, right? But what we're talking about are women
who choose to be this lone wolf. Right? Who like choose to go in
their own way and I don't want to, you know, I want to be independent
and this and that. That's not actually strength, though, right?
That that actually inhibits you. You know, even I was watching on
social media the other day of feminists, you know, talking
about, you know, men cheating on the wife that there was wifey
material, right? It's she was just saying about how a, you know, a
woman who's not that classical wifey material, someone who's more
immodest, basically, is what you know, excites him, basically,
things like that. And that's why they cheat, and stuff. And she was
talking about how, you know, a housewife regularly, just, you
know, housewife, but then yeah, then, but what excites him is a
powerful, independent, strong. Woman, right? There's all of these
adjectives that are used to describe and, and they're very
subtle, by the way, like, even if they're just talking casually,
it's not made this emphasis, but they just slip it in. And
vocabulary is is also like, you see a lot of Muslim women also
start to talk like this, right? This right as if being a housewife
can't isn't liberating, right? Is it that being most women isn't
strong? Isn't? Is the goal to be liberated, though, like, what are
we even doing? It's like the goal post has changed, who said the
goal of life is to be liberated? Let me tell you something. Yeah.
Our sisters, we're very fortunate that the majority, the majority,
not everyone anymore, and this is changing, right. And I'm gonna
just to make the point that I'm going to say about the changing,
but we are very fortunate that the brothers have to marry us in order
to have access, we're very fortunate. Because when women in
the West started giving it up for free, that's when their whole
society when Buddha did that, that's when it went, because what,
why should a man commit to a woman and commit his time, his energy
and resources to keeping her safe and giving her children etc? Why
should he do that?
If he can freely have * with any woman, if he has, you
know, if he's got the looks, or whatever, if he can have
* freely, without making a commitment, without involving
family, without, you know, kind of tying himself down in any way? Why
on earth would he and you can see nowadays, if you see the
statistics, how many men are completely forgoing marriage?
Right? Because they're like, it's a bum deal? What do I get out of
it? Right? So we think that we're, we're, I, my belief is as Muslim
women, we don't see what we have until it's gone. And I think maybe
this is just a historical pattern. And maybe it's not, it's not a
Muslim thing. It's not a woman thing. I think it's just a human
thing, that we don't know what we've got until it's gone. So for
example, in the 90s, it was very common for a brother and sister to
get married. They had very little, but the understanding was the
sister is going to stay at home, she's going to raise the children
that her brother is going to do his best sis Ohioan. Would you
would you agree? Maybe you're too young. Maybe before your time? I'm
not sure. But would you agree that was the case? Yes. Yes, definitely
was that was the norm. That was the norm. And, you know, people
lived modestly, maybe they were in rented accommodation. It was it
right. Now, people got frustrated with that. Because, you know, we
don't have our own home yet. You know, we can't afford this. We
can't afford that, you know, he hasn't up leveled yet. I feel like
I need to do something that that the fast forward now, a generation
or two, just as the sister said, in the chat, you've got brothers
expecting the woman to go to work, you've got in laws, who will not
even consider you if you are not going to work and contribute to
the household. But when we were at home, and we were, you know,
living modestly on whatever our husband brought, okay, and that
was normal for us. People were not happy with that people wanted,
like, sort of, you know, can we have better? Can't we have more?
Can't we have this? Now we're in a situation where, you know, people
not even having that discussion anymore. It's just this is the
expectation. And what I'm saying with regards to this is in a
generation or twos time, the man the brother, he will not even give
you a car. Because already we're in a situation where they'll give
you an account and nothing else. How many people have met someone
on a dating app on a matrimonial app? Who says I'm looking for a
relationship, but I don't want to be married. What does that mean? I
mean, she wants to do Nikka and he wants to be physical with you. But
he does not want to
he does not want to have kids. He doesn't want to live with you. He
doesn't want to take you to your heart to his family. Now. Trust me
in a few years time they want you to be offering you and it will
just be like want to hook up. Yeah, let's do it. So what I'm
saying is that as women and feminists are the worst for this
because I think that they've been the most short sighted or maybe it
was all part of the plan. I don't know when you
started to break down the basics of how a family operates how
family units operate, you can't play with that and not expect to
see, you know, to not expect repercussions down the line,
right? So for example, the whole situation of both parents working,
it's great for capitalism. It's fantastic for capitalism is great
for the G also called GDP is great for the GDP because now you've got
everybody out there. Everyone is part is actively taking part in
the economy. And we're all consumers earning money. We're all
consumers, or we're all consumers. We're all making money. And we're
paying other people to do jobs that we used to do right
ourselves. So now that the economy is being stimulated, fantastic.
It's great. However, what's the impact on the children? What has
been the cumulative impact on children who've been raised in
families where both parents are working, and again, no shade to
people who both partners have to work, it is what it is. But let's
be real about the price we're paying. Right? Same with the
divorces and single mothers, we know statistically what is
happening to children who are growing up with a single parent,
we know what's happening, that's from feminism, all of this kind
of, you know, easy divorce, easy * before marriage, you know,
easy access, all of that is from feminism right? And we felt safe
from that we start to mess with the dean you start to mess with
things like a Whammer you start to mess with the work he'll situation
you start to mess with all of that. You're just opening the
doors, and we're going to be out there with the wolves like
everybody else. That's that's that is the future that I see if we're
not careful and don't get really real about why these gender roles.
Why these are the parts of the puzzle that Allah subhanaw taala
put together, why they fit the way they do and why we must protect
those pieces of the puzzle and not like bargain them away for
something trifling for something that looks cool for something that
sounds good on social media says I'm heard Mallesh I ranted on for
too long. And then let's talk about these gender roles. The yes
yes, no, no, that what you said was absolutely right on very
accurate mashallah very well articulated, I completely agree.
But I think one thing that comes to mind is this whole bit dunya
and this is also when this is like everything you were talking about
this materialism, this is the love of dunya and when you know the
Hadith about when, where the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam was telling the Sahaba there will come a day where you
will be the nation's will come will basically be inviting one
another to feast over you like it's a feast, and the Sahaba were
appalled. And they were shocked and they said Why ya rasool Allah?
Is it because we will be few and number is that why we're going to
be ganged up on like this? And he said, No, you will be many you
will be like the scum on the sea, the froth right? And so basically
many is everywhere, but it's unsubstantial, it means nothing,
it's weak. And they said, why? And he said, Because Allah will take
away the aura, and basically the fear or the or that other people
have of you, and He will throw a weapon in your hearts in your
chest. And they said, What is well, when is the dunya ACARA here
till mount love of dunya and hatred of death, hatred of death.
And when you look at the Sahaba, the prophets of Salaam, himself
and his beautiful wives, his righteous wives who had a more
meaning behind one, and the Sahaba, you see, we were the
opposite. They did not like the dunya. And they loved death, or
they were at least not at not scared of death. They weren't
trying to protect themselves at all costs from things like being
poor, or getting, you know, or having difficulty in the dunya or
dying. They knew that this was dunya. And mountain, they knew
that this you know, it's coming. And being poor didn't scare them,
these things that we're so terrified of now, because this is
when we're weak, you know, like the sister was saying, sister,
amen. You were saying earlier, women are not just suffering by
themselves. It's not just us. It's not a woman problem. Everybody is
suffering in general, we as a Muslim OMA, we are oppressed.
That's the word you use. And it's because of one we have enormous
amounts of what and it's incredibly sad. Right? And I think
so there's a lot of things going on. But just to go back to this
idea of gender roles. I think one thing that feminism does that's
very, very toxic and very dangerous, is it makes women
confused. Especially I want to get back to this idea of, especially
in the context of marriage, right? So there's three things that I've
identified that feminism affects a wife by basically these three
ways. So the first way is the wife if she's if she subscribes to
feminism and is maybe even subconsciously influenced by it
without her knowing. She will be confused about her own nature, and
she will be confused about her role in life and her role in the
marriage. Like what who am I and what am I supposed to be doing?
She's confused about that. She has no idea. Then the second thing is
she is confused about her husband's nature and her husband's
role in the marriage, she also doesn't understand how to relate
to him. And she doesn't understand who he is at his core, and what he
wants and what he's supposed to be doing. The third thing that she's
confused about because of feminism, the wife will be
confused about the nature of the relationship, the tenor of the
marriage, she has no idea like, how is this marriage supposed to
play out? Are we supposed to is this a fight? Is this Are we in
the boxing ring? Is this the Is this the you know, MMA fight,
like, she doesn't understand where she is and how that, you know, the
marriage should be how the, the, you know, the quality of the
marriage, how it should feel. And in Islam, everything Subhan Allah,
it's beautiful, we have this fitrah that we are born with, we
are women, so we all have femininity, and that can manifest
itself in many, many different ways. I'm not saying you know, if
you're a feminine woman, that means you're a cookie cutter
version of every other woman and women are all identical twins,
we're not you know, there's different different kinds of
aspects of, you know, feminine women that different people bring
out, right, but we all have this thing that we can tap into this
femininity, just as men they have their federal which is different
from ours in some ways, and they have this natural masculinity
Allah says Well, I said that right? This is basically this is
like the ABCs of Islam and gender right? The male is not like the
female so with Eddie and Milan, right so what feminism what it
does is it androgynous is everybody so that women they've
become a little bit more masculine they've become the turned off
their femininity, and become more male like right in their quest, as
you said SR Nyima in their quest for dominance for greatness for
money for hubby dunya this is all done it's all love of this dunya
and materialism love of things, right the material, but I can see
in touch. And then men have become more feminine. They become
feminized to kind of adhere to this new kind of masculine kind of
woman, because they can't you know, they don't like this toxic
masculine male anymore. So man, that cat is so distracting. She's
beautiful.
I'm sorry. She is very affectionate. Yeah, she Yeah,
sorry. Oh, my gosh, is beautiful. No, no, it's really beautiful. But
yeah, so that's kind of what I was thinking about this idea of gender
roles and how feminism affects our understanding of
all these things.
What is the thing? Oh, I'm sorry, if she I did not even see her walk
in. So I'm sorry. She cut your train of train of thought on? No.
Yeah, she's very affectionate humbler? I like that about her.
But there's a couple of things that I didn't want to touch upon,
are maybe naive. I think she's very eager to jump in. So I'll let
her go first inshallah.
No, no, go ahead. I'll come back. Okay, no problem. So one thing
that I did want to mention, in terms of like the gender roles, is
that feminists use what's called the Social constructivist theory.
And they basically, they're the feminist arguments is that the
reason why women are oppressed is because we raise our children with
the blue and the pink. And we have this universal, internalized
misogyny because of the blue in the pink. And it's the way we're
raising our children in our society that's causing these
barriers for women.
Which is not actually scientifically consistent, right?
Because the scientific research actually shows us that men and
women have different biology, we have different psychology. And,
you know, to take an example that's widely used is the
Scandinavian countries have a lot of equal opportunity, which equal
opportunity, like Islam agrees with that, like, if a girl wants
to be an engineer, like, uh, she could do that, right. But the
thing that we would disagree with is this equal outcome that
feminists try to promote this equality, that doesn't really
actually exist in nature, right? If you put men and women in their
natural, you know, environments, and they let you let them choose
what they want, you know, especially in the workplace, you
will, you will naturally find more female nurses and more men in STEM
fields, right, you will naturally find that, and that's what's
actually seen in Scandinavian countries. Because they have the
most, you know, quality or Most, however, they want to define it,
right? They have the most equal opportunity, but it's actually
there's not really many women in STEM fields, even you know, when I
was doing my Bachelor's, the engineering program at my school,
it was all men, there was barely any girls, right? Even though
girls could easily join the program if they wanted to. But
there's barely any girls there. So I feel like feminism from that
angle really tries to you know, push women to be something that
they're actually not. And then it's like, if you don't conform to
the more you need, well, then it's maybe you're old fashioned, right?
These are your outdated rights and even I was actually having a
discussion with a feminist the other day, and you know, she was
telling me she's not not Muslim, but she was telling me how the
views of feminism that myself and other Muslim women rebuttal right
or or disagree with strongly is outdated feminism. Right. But the
thing is, is that the women that were
refuting have issues with our live currently so how can you say it's
outdated if it still persists today? It's something that women
still look to right. And now we have intersectional feminism, but
the thing is from a philosophical perspective intersectional
feminism, it will actually implode on itself. Because it's stating
that you have the right to believe and worship whatever you want. So
if a Muslim woman decides to reject feminism, because I have
some, I have, you know, Allah subhanaw taala has given us a
system that's balanced, that's fair, that's equitable, right? I
choose to reject feminism, but then they will come back and say,
Well, you you have internalized misogyny, right, or where you hate
women, because you're rejecting feminism, like, but you can't
intersectional Feminists can have it both ways. Either you accept
the fact that I will reject feminism, because I'm a woman, I
have my own autonomy, right, I can make my own choice to reject it.
But at the same time, you're disagreeing with my choice, which
is actually taking my freedom of religion that you preach away,
which is, you know, coming back to this attack on Islam, right, from
a historical political perspective, right?
We understand that from a, again, colonial perspective, you know,
our colonized have tried to break down the home, because that's
what's gonna weaken Muslims. And it did they were successful,
unfortunately. Right. And I think Muslims have to wake up to that,
because our strength is unity. You know, we use Almighty Almighty,
like, where has this gone? You know, we are not individualistic.
Right. Right. The other thing that I wanted to touch on?
Is this love of the dunya, the Empire that was talking about, and
how it's kind of affected women's choices, right? So we find, you
know, like I mentioned earlier with the mother, or, for example,
you know, well, I want to work because, you know, he's not going
to provide me luxuries, right. He has to provide me luxuries, or
this very common phrase that's not short II accurate is his money is
my money. That's, that's not actually true. His money is
actually his money. And your money is your money. And it's a part of
his responsibility to provide for you your accommodations and your
maintenance. And based off of your socio economic status, pre
marriage, it might differ, but it's at least the middle class of
your society. Okay, we're not going to get into all the
different book, but generally speaking, right, he has to provide
for you. But it's gotten to the point where feminists have now
claimed that in the shittier, he must provide me whatever I want,
and my luxuries. But this is, look, this is what the Lumia like,
No, he doesn't actually have to write because that's actually
unjust to him, because you're saying he's sinful if you can't
afford to buy you a Louis Vuitton bag, right, which is not actually
Sharky. Accurate. Right. So a nickname? I'll let you chime in
now. So I feel like you're, you're dying to, to chime in. So go
ahead. And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to, to seem like that at all. I just
think, you know, again, you know, this is,
it's really a moment for all of us to check ourselves. You know, I
don't think that there's any feminists that can say that the
baseline or whatever version, they think that they're following is
not that bad. And that, you know, human history has been ruined by
men. Because men ran things. And because women were blind. That's
why the world was the way that it was, because they all believe that
they all believe that women would do a better job.
You know, just how much more better job. That's the difference.
So there's, you know, and we're not even going to go into because
it's not really relevant, I think, again, maybe my biggest hope for
this panel, was that anybody listening, and maybe just hear
something maybe they've not heard before, get an insight they
haven't had before. And just check in with themselves, you know, or
any of these ideas showing up in my marriage, you know, or any of
these, you know, these concepts showing up in my marriage and, and
what has been the impact of that? And what am I teaching my
daughter, or teaching my sons because I think there's almost
like a there's always this pendulum swinging, right? We we
grew up hearing about girls who were raised in households where,
where they did all the manual labor, and the boys did nothing,
right, where the girls served their brothers and the boys just
like the chilled basically, you know, went out with friends
whenever they wanted to came home whenever they wanted to. It was a
man's world, right? And the girls of that generation were very much
told, you know, this is the correct way and this is how you're
going to win your wife, etc, etc. So that was one extreme if you
like, I think the pendulum has swung and swinging or has swung to
the other extreme, where we have zero respect for men, and we
certainly don't teach respect in our homes. We don't teach roles in
our home.
ohms all I hear sisters, I hear sisters talking a lot about
teaching their boys house making skills, right? Like I make my boys
do X Y Zed. I make my boys do this. I make my boys do that in
the home. Right? Again, it's it's a reaction to what was happening
previously.
But I also I also wonder,
again, how much of that is I want my boy to do the stuff that I
wanted my husband to do? Or that I want my husband to do that? I
don't really want to do? I don't know, I don't think I'm very clear
on this yet. I think the main thing that I'm saying is, we have
a dean, that's very clear.
I was certainly when it comes to gender roles, it's very clear,
there may be some gray areas here and there. But it's very clear and
the way that marriages and relationships should be set up.
And the rights and responsibilities are very clear.
And again, I go back to this point of, you know, not what you've got
until it's gone. Because this society that we live in now
they've lost their Christian foundation. That is why they are
they are done. If you if you ever pay attention to how sort of
Western thinkers talk about their society, or * it man, I'm sure
you know this. They are aware of an impending crisis, because their
own society is rejecting their own principles that they were founded
on. What were they founded on Judeo Christian principles, right?
And everything that goes with that, okay? So this it is
struggling now, because they are untethered, they don't have a
basis anymore. Everything is being made up as they go along, whether
it's gender, whether it's you know, sexual identity, sexual
preference, even the whole even this whole issue of sexual
identity and sexual preference being such a huge thing. It says
new is it's something new, but it's it's being pushed out with a
rapidness that probably I've never seen it be something an ideology
being pushed out with so much conviction and fervor from kids in
preschool. Right? All these new ideas about gender and binary and
all of this, right, this is new, I'm sorry to say right now, all
I'm saying is, let's not take for granted the fact that our last
panel dialer has made things very clear for us that he hasn't left
the margin for error. Let's not look at the ways of those outside
and glamorize what they've got going on. Because they are
suffering. And they're on like, they're literally on a handbasket
to * at the moment. And like literally, figuratively, and the
people in this society who are actually examining the society,
they know this, they can see the impact of the loss of faith on the
on the on society, they can see the impact of rejection of their
founding principle can see it, you know, and they can see where it's
going. Subhanallah so I'm saying let us not follow them in that as
well. I'm Hala, do you have any open like closing remarks? Insha
Allah and Eman after Sure. Well, just a wrap up I think about what
you were saying about not following the other like the
Christian societies for example, or non Muslim society down there
lizard whole
you know, they you hear about the TRad wife movement. You know, the
TRad wife like traditional wife who's at home was a stay at home
wife who takes care of her husband and supports him and nurtures the
children. So even as you're saying even Christians are sick of it,
they're sick of feminism, they're done with it, and they can see how
destructive it's been and how it has wreaked all this havoc on
their society. So and that reminds me of this idea of I'm really I'm
a big fan of this idea and it really resonates a lot with me.
Maybe it's just my personality. But I like this idea of having is
you know Muslims having is which means dignity or honor. And our
honor comes from Islam it comes from you know, when you legislate
to Jamia right or to Allah is all honor, all honor all dignity
belongs to Allah and He gives the believers based on their cleaning
to Islam, and they're holding on to the teachings of the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and the book of Allah the Quran and
the Sunnah He gives us honor that he gives us a zip based on that we
can't find is that elsewhere we cannot run down the lizard who
will follow the Christians and the Jews and other communities you
know, wherever they go and they try to jump off a cliff we follow
them and we try to jump off the cliff to that makes no sense
there's a self destructive behavior and it's pathetic Right?
Like let's just call it what it is. This is pathetic. This is what
having no idea looks like. Right? And I think it's it like would
benefit us to really you know, internalize these teachings of
Islam and and really kind of look inward and think about while do we
really weird we are we trying to gain as we're trying to gain
status. We want to look good. We want to have all these things we
want to be successful. We want to make it we want to be established,
we want
gonna arrive all of these things based on for who? Who are you
trying to look good for? Who are you trying to impress? They will
never be impressed with you. Well and Taganga Allahu Allah Nazzaro
right had that a tabby I mean later on. Yeah who don't know
Masada will never be pleased with you, they will never be content
and like happy with you, pat you on the head until you follow their
way there. Dean, what are you trying to impress here, you know,
so I just think this idea for me is very powerful. And it relates
to feminism but it also relates to many, many other things. The
prophets, Allah said, and I'm taught us exactly how to live and
his Sahaba they embodied it when you study the spirit of Abu Bakr
and Omar and of men and i Li, and all of the, you know, righteous
Sahaba you see how they live in their women, their wives, their
sisters, their cousins, their, their, you know, mothers, all of
the Sahaba yet that, you know, they lived in a very simple way
and the only wanted to please Allah, they only wanted the
pleasure of Allah and not the pleasure of these non Muslims,
this Christian tribe over here, the Jewish tribes of Medina know,
they could care less about that, as long as Allah had rebar, gave
them reload, give them the you know, the, again the pleasure of
Allah. That's the approval that we're looking for. And we have to
have a say in Islam. And the last thing I'll say is Omar Ragna,
hataoka del Han, he said, we were found, and we are people who are
humiliated and Allah gave us a zap through Islam. And if we seek is
there anywhere else Allah will humiliate us, Allah will humiliate
us. This is our state right? So if you look around this is I think
what's happening this state of humiliation that generally the
Muslims are in, it has to do with this looking elsewhere having
COVID Dunya having Latin in our hearts and having noisy and arty
and unless we fix these things internally, then inshallah you
know that it's going to be very hard to change that. So may Allah
make it easy for us to change ourselves, internally, our
families, our society and the entire Omaha of me.
I mean,
we could talk about this I think for like five hours, but I think
so far it's been beneficial inshallah.
I think the biggest message I could leave the audience with
today in sha Allah is come back to Allah.
Looking for justice anywhere else other than what ALLAH SubhanA what
Allah has given you will not give you justice. And Hamdulillah we
have a complete Deen not only do we have laws that in your rights
Allah has given us but we also have a method to implement those
laws that we learn in the Sierra. Right. So I encourage you if
you've never read the Sierra, if you don't understand the Sierra,
you know, pick up some Sierra books understand the Sierra,
right? The Sierra complements the Quran, don't just you know, look
at you know, the, you know, the credit is more so theory, the
Hadith and the Sierra is application, right? We actually
have a method to revival we have a method to justice. So use that and
find your inspiration in that video, like I'm headed said, they
will not be pleased with you, they will not accept you, they will
they will not accept your hijab no matter how many times they say it
sisters, they will not accept it. Because when you wear your hijab
you are saying that I only submit to Allah subhanaw taala I do not
submit to any man made laws. The path to Allah is one path it
didn't see ultimate stocking how many times a day do we see it set
at least 17 times at least 17 times. There's one path to our
supplements Allah and Allah has given us a way a way to reach Jana
because that's success. Your career is not success. Maybe it's
some means it's a tool for you, but it's not what real success
looks like. You know, these luxuries, these you know
empowerments that's not success, success, the ultimate success and
the ultimate victory is Janna. That's what it is. And that's what
our goal is and I'm the the dunya is just a pastime. Don't focus on
the dunya we have a we have a tunnel vision to Janna inshallah.
And we have one rope. Allah give us one rope. Islam is complete,
we're not pluralist. We have one rope to Jana, just one not 561
rope. Okay.
You know and when it comes to the life of the way a woman lives, her
life, live your life the way Allah subhanho wa Taala would best be
pleased with live for the sake of Allah subhana wa Tada. Okay, what
does that mean? It means that you do what Allah would be pleased
with regardless of your feelings and regardless of what you want.
You do what is most pleasing to Allah in that scenario and it
depends depends on the situation but you do what's most pleasing to
Allah not to what living for the sake of Allah means. That's what
that means. Okay, find your inspiration in Islam. Go work for
Islam, you want to fight for women you want to benefit you know, it
helped Muslim women come join a dental Institute's and you know,
presents you know, some services for sisters come work with us. The
feminists will not accept you, but we will accept you Inshallah, on
you know, within the Quran and Sunnah we will show you we will
help you. We are here for you. Right
our duty and our responsibility to advise one another and to be there
for one another. It's a part of what actually makes us a Muslim
and a submitter to Allah, no one will truly believe until you love
your brothers. Just do what you love for yourself. So it's pivotal
that we stand with one another, regardless if you're a man and
regardless if you're a woman, we are we work together as one Oma.
And that's what we need to strive for, you know, making up a path to
Jana saying that I'm going to use my career for the sake of Allah
and I'm just going to do that. And, you know, unless you're doing
the Dawa, on the side, and you know, maybe you didn't find the
right man, those are individual situations, those are different
situations, but to just negate marriage into, you know, say that
I'm gonna get to Allah through this career that, you know, in
reality, when you apply that career, it's just dunya it's not
you're not actually using it to apply for you know, if applied to
the Dawa or to you know, provide services for the Muslims or maybe
go back home, go back home and provide services back home, right,
but you cannot make up a path to Allah. There is one path to Allah,
which is them. So come back to the deen Inshallah, learn the deen and
come to the deen with an open mind. Try your best to get rid of
that that baggage because I had that baggage. Nyima had that
baggage I'm not sure about unpadded Yes.
It's hard to get rid of the baggage because this is what our
environment tells us. Right? But we have to free our mind which is
why you want liberation sister you want liberation. Submit yourself
to Allah. relieve yourself from the shackles of the dunya because
I'm telling you I with my sincerest advice in the bottom of
my heart. I am telling you the shackles of the dunya are killing
you not just you but any other sister and even the brothers to
like the shackles of the dunya or che tongs way Do please please for
the sake of Allah and for your akhira come back to Allah submit
you learn what telehealth is learn who Allah is learn Islam and come
live by the way of Islam because this is the only way you will be
successful Hamdulillah we have a perfect guideline. So why aren't
we using it? And I think that that's all I will say in
my show Nevada law so you guys know you need to share that with
your sisters and your nieces and your cousins and you know your
students at school and everywhere else insha Allah Yes, it was a
boom moments just like a love hate on the *.
Just like a law firm and sisters on Khalid Eman, thank you so much
for joining us. This was a different session to all our other
sessions. I hope and pray that the sisters benefited from it maybe
give them some food for thought. Guys if you're watching in sha
Allah please do leave your comments we'd like to hear what
you took away from it please do insha Allah you know like the
video share it subscribe and all of that good stuff. And in sha
Allah we will put the details for Mohammed and sister Eman in the
description in sha Allah. And until the next session. Sisters
May Allah bless you both and your families in every way and purify
us all guide us all and protect us all. Does that come allow Hayden
Subhanak Allahumma Robinette behind the eyeshadow and La Ilaha
and was the winner to like
radical Islam
Allah when we made it guys, through internet to electricity
Did you see
a lot of white handled LEDs? Okay, you got it? You got it. This
fun, Michelle. Good stuff. I think we should have like a different
like a q&a that just goes on as long as we like. And we just go on
live stream and people just pop questions and just answer them
because there's so many good questions. VIPs just like Hello,
Hayden, we appreciate you. We weren't able to you know, kind of
get into the question so much this time, but I pray inshallah we will
be able to and if you guys do want us to do a live stream where we
just literally just chop it up and answer questions and you know,
maybe have a debate whatever is needed. Let us know in Sharla in
the comments, if you'd like that, if you think it would be
beneficial. If you know somebody that kind of would would benefit
from that. Then let us know Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen like
the internet is free for most of us.
It's not so easy for me, but it's really for us to get together like
this. Nobody has to travel. Nobody has to book a hotel. It literally
is taking a couple of hours out of our time. Yeah.
I think she could off again. Yeah. Yeah, I think
one thing I did want to mention, I guess I'll mention it here with
the panelists. Inshallah, I just wanted to say that I am from the i
three institutes in Canada. So we do have a brand that's versatile,
most of them because I assume most people here are sisters who we
actually also have Muslim manhood which is a brothers brand by
brothers, four brothers in response to some of those vices,
those four sisters to basically provide holocausts and you know,
conferences and things like that that kind of catered
Both people you know, we have a manhood. You know, for the
brothers here, you have a manhood conference, right? That just kind
of helps brothers like be better men. Because I, you know, again,
outside of the context of this conference, we were talking about
women, but you know, men also have lots of things to work on. Because
none of us are perfect, right? So, yeah, those both those services
and the i three Institute's, I mean, instructor there. I'm a
student there and I'm also a volunteer, they're really great
Institute's if you're someone who's, you know, maybe in the
area, they're based in Mississauga, Canada, but because
of COVID most of our stuffs online so we do offer free classes and
things like that. So if you just go to i three Institute's dot ca
backslash register, there's lots of free classes there if you guys
are interested. So there's youth classes and there's also like
adult programs. Mashallah, that sounds really, really exciting.
That sounds like a really good resource. Formosan special online
online makes it so easy, you know? Yeah, yeah. No, it's um, yeah,
it's uh, it we have I think the definitely the trademark program
for i Three is the young guy you program. So basically, it's
authentic studies, but also leadership at the same time, being
able to give you know, we we start with Arcada. And then we go
typically into Teske, as we kind of do on and off, it just depends
how the instructor wants to present to us here. But we do
Sierra Fick, we do a stool, we do Hadith. We also started doing
Western isms, right? We also started being history, and a few
other things I can remember off top my head, but it's a really
it's a one year program comprehensive in combined
leadership, as well. So to make strong confidence for Muslims,
right. So that they can actually you know, not only learn the deen
but actually implement who because we learn to implement, we don't
learn to just be walking textbooks, right? We learned
inshallah benefits, other Muslims and also enjoying good and forbid
evil, which is really one of the like, you know, pillars of, you
know, being a Muslim, right is enjoying good and forbidding evil.
Yeah, absolutely. Michelle Obama, may Allah reward you guys and make
it you know, heavy on your scales. And you know, yeah, Mashallah. I,
yeah, I really enjoyed this talk. I just feel like it was so it went
so quick. And there was so much that could have been said that was
unsaid because there's so much to say. So yeah. Oh, I think I had
like a million things going into it just
like I feel like we talked about the the trigger words that we
talked about that very little, like
you wanted to get into the word submission. I actually did want to
get into that. But yeah, it's so fun to let you just talk and it's
a free flowing conversation. I was that's a good time to lay, you
know.
Not one conversation. You have to have many, so yeah.
He wants to come back. I don't know. I don't I'm not sure. I
mean, I'm happy to hang out. Just yeah. But I don't know she expects
us to. To Yeah, Sister Farzaneh saying that. It is difficult to
condense things down. Yeah, well, you're absolutely right. And
hamdulillah some sisters are saying sister Maddie, I'm saying
it was very beneficial. Masha, Allah and hamdulillah every all
good is from Allah. So we just want to remind one another and,
you know, and be real. I feel like I'm so tired of the cliche things
that we hear and that we say that aren't real. They're not true. You
know? Like, marriage is not that boring. Go get your job, go make
money, blah, blah, blah. Like, I'm so tired of that, you know, and
just Yeah, and it's also but the thing is, and when it comes to
working it's like there's we have to also remember that we do live
in a capitalist society so like there are many women don't have a
choice right. But
that's that's a separate situation. Yeah, I feel like as
you said before, it's it's there's an individual situation where you
need to work to put food on the table or to keep the lights on.
That's totally different. No one is saying, Oh, well, you shouldn't
work you should starve to death if you have children. Yeah, let them
starve to death to no one is saying that, you know, so we also
we have to be reasonable, but I just feel like the way that we're
thinking these days and because of feminism and all that, like how
we're thinking about it is Subhanallah is very messed up and
we're working because we don't have to because we feel like we
should. Yeah,
yeah, for sure. I guess because we're here maybe you want to take
some questions. I guess if people want to ask things. Maybe sorry
once like a sister Her name is actually looks like she's calling
once somebody go
yes. Hi. Sounds like it was good to hear from you.
No, we're still here. It looks like there's like a couple of
questions. I don't know if what the
Okay
i
Okay, yes, I'll do that. Inshallah. I'll text you if it
doesn't
Yes, absolutely in sha Allah just like on my blog when I play the
Santa Monica.
Like, listen.
Okay, that was this her name. She's, too she was just saying
just like aloha and thank you so much to to new and everybody. And
she was just saying we can go ahead, she stopped the recording
so we can go ahead and end the meeting because her internet is
out again. Okay. I think there's just one question that maybe we
should take, I think it would be beneficial and fellas before we
get going, so somebody was saying that
it's that they don't want a career to make money, but they want a
career to like serve humanity. Now, in Okay, that'll let you give
you a chance to speak as well and get your input. But was as women
right now, from from a woman's perspective,
Alyssa kind of what Allah has allowed working, it's Helen,
however, there are conditions, right, you have to be in that
environment, you have to make sure you're dressed appropriately, you
know, full hip, right. And it used to also have edit while you're at
work, and, you know, try your best to not be in a male dominant
environments and, you know, keep your work separate from from men
rights.
Though, under those conditions, right and your own also, whoever's
your wedding needs to be acceptable of or accepted of that
he needs to, you know, approve of it.
Oh, you can't hear anything. Can you hear some? Can you hear now?
Yes, mean?
Okay. Okay. Come to that. So although working is allowed.
When we talk about working to benefits humanity,
Alyssa pilots, Allah has given us a way for women to actually do
that already. Right? So by saying that you want a job to, you know,
benefit humanity. And I'm not making judging your intentions or
anything. But that type of statement has an implicit meaning
that, well, you can't serve humanity. If you're a housewife,
right? You can only do that if you're a Yo, you have a career.
But the thing is of the prophets lysozyme said that on the day of
judgment, He wants his own mind to be big. That actually the best
way, the best way for women to actually help humanity is to raise
your children on the hook. That is actually the best way for you to
do that. Now, could you use a job to serve humanity, you could
theoretically, however, for a lot of people, the reality is that
they get that big job, and then they don't serve humanity. It's
just because they get so caught up in that job, that they don't have
time to do anything else, right. And we see this a lot with young
doctors, for example, a lot of people want to be a doctor because
they want to help humanity. And from the Muslim perspective. You
know, there's lots of Muslims who are like, I want to be a doctor,
because I want to, you know, help people, which is, it's a good
thing, that's a good deed. But, again, lots of doctors don't even
a lot of them don't even get married because they don't have
time for marriage. Right. So if you want to take that route,
just know that that what you're sacrificing, because it's
especially for a woman, it's much, much more difficult for a woman to
be a doctor, and to, you know, be married. It's because you know,
men don't have children, we have children. So it really depends,
right? But unless you're going to take that doctor job, and maybe go
back home, right, and use it to, you know, help, you know, treat
Muslims back home, right? Or if you're going to use that job for
the dot was somehow right, which I, you know, I'm, it's hard to
kind of think of a way that you could do that. Right? Then is that
job really worth it? Like? Are you actually really helping humanity
with that job? Or could you find a better way to help humanity,
right, which is actually raising kids on the hook. Right? In a lot
of people use a doctor, as
you know, as an example. But the thing is, is that we definitely
need women to be to be doctors, we definitely need women to be in the
health field 100%. So if you want to do that on an individual basis,
you just need to make sure that you understand what you're very
likely sacrificing because it's it will be very hard to find a
brother who's willing to marry you not because of anything wrong with
you, but because, you know, doctors are at work all day they
come home tired. Even a lot of the male doctors aren't married
because of just the nature of the job. So just, you know, be aware
of what you're potentially sacrificing. And try your best if
you just do decide to do that to maybe make sure you make it a
point to donate
It's money because you know, especially if you're in the United
States, doctors make a lot of money more than in Canada.
Right? So make sure that you're using that job to actually give
back, right? Because a lot of people kind of get sucked into it.
And even, you know, one of the few who's one of my teachers, you
know, he actually shared a story about this. And one of his friends
was like, I'll do the Dawa, after I'm done my residency, right, so I
want to be a doctor. So he actually told him, you know,
during their undergrad,
I'll come back to you in 10 years and see what you're doing. And
this is a true story, by the way, you know, once upon Allah,
actually, not just 10 years, like 13 years later, he's a doctor. But
I mean, he's, he's not even praying anymore.
Right? So if you're going to choose to, you know, as a woman,
if you're gonna choose to take the career, and I mean, like the big
career, okay?
You have to be very careful with that. Right? And that just goes to
the brothers too, right? If if you want to give back to the Ummah,
which is what every Muslim should be doing, you should be starting
that today. Don't put it off, right? It's actually the shaitan
wants you to procrastinate, don't put it off start right now. And
understand what you're, you know, giving up. But the thing is, is
with women is that you can easily very easily be, you know,
providing services, your own Hi, that is married with four kids,
and she's still here today, right? Giving a discussion and you know,
talking and participating, right? So just because you're married
doesn't mean you can't contribute, right? You You definitely can. And
actually a lot of Muslim men, and I would say the majority actually
support that most Muslim men have no problem with their wife, you
know, giving holocausts studying the deen and you know, helping out
with those things. Right. And if he doesn't appreciate those
things, then you know, Sis, I would encourage you don't marry
him because he's not, you know, he doesn't seem like he's practicing.
And that's not the type of guy you want to marry anyways. Right?
So like I was mentioning before the path or was one path? It's not
we can't make up our own paths to Allah, what's gonna be pleasing to
Allah when Allah has actually already told us what's pleasing to
Him? Right. So maybe you've heard if you have any comments you can
share inshallah? Yeah, I mean, I agree with agree with what you're
saying. I just think, you know, to wrap this up, I think that we do
you have Muslim women doctors that we need, and Muslim nurses and
Muslim, or female nurses, female doctors, especially plant
ecologist, et cetera, et cetera, there are certain professions that
we do need women in. And I completely I don't deny that I
think nobody denies that. But we it's a subset. It's a small subset
of the Muslim female population, it should not be half of the
female population of Muslims, or a third of it, or even a quarter of
it, right. It's a small subset that can serve as the whole Oma.
And then we can also consider it photo to cafe, you know, photo
kefir, which is a thing that someone does a service that
somebody does for the community, like a communal obligation that
just one person does to benefit everyone else. And it lifts the
burden off of every other individual, from having to needing
to do that, you know, because one person has already got it. So I
just think that's not where we are now, where basically, it's just
one sister who wants to be a doctor or a CEO or whatever. In
this for this community. It's, in fact, many, many women because of
the influence of feminism. So there's no no no hate to doctors,
to female doctors, no hate to female engineers, or this or that.
But it shouldn't be this many of us. It's just a small subset
that's necessary. So yeah, exactly. I think like, definitely,
there's nothing wrong if you want to be a doctor, or an engineer or
CEO. Like, that's fine. But it's just what happens if feminism it's
become this promotion that everybody has to be a CEO, all
women have to be that right. And that's the issue. It's not
actually the fact that you know, some women on an individual basis
want to pursue that. If you want to do that on an individual basis,
you think you really cut out for it? You want to do that? Okay, no
problem, and you feel like there's maybe a lack of that. Okay. But
the issue is that women are propagating it as if it's that's
the path to liberation, which is that mentality, and that
propaganda is the issue, not actually the job. I think
sometimes people focus too much on the outcome. But like, the job
itself isn't the issue, right? Being a doctor isn't an issue, but
it's just this mentality that's being promoted. Right? This, you
know, we have to also be careful, like, really assess with yourself,
right? Ask yourself, maybe right now you want the career, but maybe
five years down the road, you're not going to want that, right. So,
you know, as you know, I'm not married yet. I'm 25. I just, I
just haven't found a guy that I connect with. That's I haven't
been putting off marriage on purpose, right. But I've been
working since I was 17. I'm in a situation where I kind of have to
work. So I've been working for eight years. I have a three year
period where I work two jobs. So I'm 25 and I can already tell you
it gets old
like this big career down the line like I'm 125 and I've already
like, I've experienced it like I'm actually done with it. Sometimes I
tell myself I walk in and 730 and when I sit on my computer and I'm
like, yo
I can't wait so I can leave this job but I may Allah make it easy
May Allah make it easy for you to find a righteous spouse I'm good
husband insha Allah and start your own family and not have to work
out of necessity and you know, that's the whole point of having a
husband and getting married so while I may Allah reward you
sister Amen I'm so impressed with you much online I'm so this just
gives me hope, you know, like having young Muslim as we are.
You understand things and understand the reality So may
Allah make it easy for all of us to understand things as they
really are. And not with indoctrination and brainwashing
that's affecting us and make it easy for all Muslim sisters and
all you know, men and women, you know, in Islam. Yeah. But I think
yeah, I'm so sorry. I just want to be mindful of SR NIMAS calls you
actually went out of her way to call to say, to go ahead and wrap
things up. So I
want to forestall that by just like okay, let's do this again in
sha Allah sister Nyima, may Allah reward you if you see this later.
Just like I'm a local faith. And it was so nice to meet you,
sister. Amen. I'm so so happy that I got to do this with you. And I
just I really appreciate it. Yeah, for sure. This was really great.
Inshallah, we'll connect and, you know, maybe have discussions like
this in the future. Okay.