Naima B. Robert – Single Muslim Women Part 3
AI: Summary ©
The negative impact of abusive relationships on women, including leaving a marriage, is stressed. The importance of protecting vulnerable individuals and setting boundaries for behavior is emphasized. The speaker also discusses the potential harming impact of divorce on men and women, particularly in the context of marriage and divorce. The importance of setting a higher standard for families and avoiding harming relationships is emphasized. The speaker also touches on the potential damage caused by divorce and the need for action to prevent it.
AI: Summary ©
Salam Alaikum, I'm back. Because I wanted to just finish off what I
was saying. And too many things are coming to me, it's upon Allah
Bismillah. For those of you who may hear this, or may see that a
sister leaves a marriage, and she, whether it was domestic violence,
or whether it's a divorce, or whatever the case may be, she
leaves a marriage. And she's struggling. Yeah, she may be
struggling with the kids who may be struggling financially. And
people say, Oh, she should have stayed. You see, now look, now
she's a burden on the community. Now somebody else has to be
worried about her nobody, you know, now like, she's, you know,
she's, she's, she's, she's Dishonored herself. Right? I
really want to speak to that for a minute. Because, as I said, in my
previous life, every, every choice has a consequence. Okay? Every
choice has a consequence. So let's look at the situation of a of an
abusive marriage. If you leave that marriage, yes, you will pay a
price, there's a cost, you will no longer have the kind of protection
that you had in your home, whatever protection that was
right, you will probably have to leave that home, you may have to
leave a lot of your belongings behind, it will be stressful for
you, it will be tough for your children, they may not understand,
you may or may not get the support of family members. So it will be
it will be challenging. So that is a fact.
Now, let's look at the scenario where she decides to stay in the
abusive marriage. For a lot of people, and this is something that
I've noticed lately is that we have our brain is always involved
in distortion. Okay, we are always distorting facts to justify what
we already believe or to to shore up what we already believe. So we
believe marriage is good and divorces bad.
So now what happens in the case of an abusive marriage, is that the
bad part of the marriage is downplayed. While the good part of
being married is kind of highlighted, right? At least your
children have their father at home. At least you are still
married and you're not divorced and a complete pariah. At least
you don't rely on anyone from outside, you know, at least this
at least that Okay. Very much kind of hyping up those aspects that
are still true about the marriage, and downplaying the other things,
and what are some of those other things? Well, for one, the
physical harm that may come to the wife, and very often to her
children, not only the physical harm, but the emotional harm, and
not only the emotional harm, but the psychological harm, and the
psychological harm to the wife to the woman who's being abused, and
the generational trauma that is being inflicted on those children.
I'm gonna say that, again, the generational trauma of what is
being inflicted on those children.
Not to mention, the fact that the abuser is enabled to continue the
abuse, thus earning Allah's wrath and deserving Allah's punishment.
I'm gonna let you sit with that for a minute.
I'm gonna let you sit with that for a minute. Because all of those
people out there who are encouraging abused wives to stay
with their husbands and who are not calling out the abuse, or not
putting their hand up to stop the abuse or not protecting the
vulnerable who are being abused. Every single one of you is an
enabler of an oppressor, you are enabling oppression. And Allah
declares war on the oppressor. That person, even if they get away
with it in this life, do you really think Allah subhanaw taala
is not going to question them? Do you really think that Allah's
Panatela is not going to punish them severely for that, and you
enabled that? And that's because, again, I'm going to come back
around to this. That's because you were more willing to pay the price
of silence and complicity in order to keep the peace, then pay the
price of actually stepping up to protect the people you're supposed
to protect. And that's the people who are vulnerable in this
situation. So again, you see the distortion that happens.
Marriages, good divorces bad. Marriage is good regardless of how
painful and damaging it is. And divorce is bad, no matter how
liberating and empowering it is. Yes. Give me yes in the chat if
y'all know what I'm talking about.
I'm not saying every marriage is bad. I'm not saying every divorce
is good. But it's interesting how we are prepared to accept way too
much garbage in the name of marriage and
and are prepared to downgrade and completely deny the the gift that
divorce can bring in the right circumstances. This is a
distortion that we need to stop because women and children are
suffering as a result of this. If you say that, you know, as I said
before, everything comes at a cost everything. And so you just need
to ask yourself, Okay,
what am I prepared to pay for? And what is it that I actually want?
And exactly says, you know, and all of this happening in the name
of Islam as well, which is even worse, that's actually even worse.
Because when you use the deen to justify
LOM
when you use the deen to justify abuse, and violence, and neglect,
humiliation, oppression,
this is another level, this is a totally different level of
oppression, a totally different level of blackmail of religious
and emotional blackmail. Okay, and not only that, I'm gonna go back
to this point I made earlier, it sets the bar so low for us and our
men and our children. It sets the bar low for our community. None
other than our sisters. They say a single parent household is broken.
But really the only thing that's broken is a home without
contentment and love 100% says, yes, thank you. That is exactly
it.
If a woman is broken, the home is broken. That's it.
If a woman is broken, the home is broken. And I don't actually care
whether everybody in the in the in the family is happy with it.
Because there are people who thrive off your brokenness as
true. There are children who thrive off your brokenness kind
of. And there are husbands and in laws and families that thrive off
your brokenness. They they love the fact that you don't have
boundaries. They love the fact that you can't speak up for
yourself. They love the fact that you have completely annihilated
yourself for their benefit. They love it. They love it. Because it
makes their life easy. And that's what they want. But my point is
this not to get sidetracked. My point is that it sets the bar so
low for our community. When we say that, basically,
you stay there. And you you take whatever he dishes out, because
that's your husband. Because then what does that give license to our
men to do? What does this teach our sons? What does this teach our
daughters? What are we giving them permission to do? We're giving
them permission to do all the things that the Prophet SAW Selim
warned us about.
Boom, I'm gonna say it again. We are giving them permission to do
all the things that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam warned
us against, and that Allah spoke about in the Quran. We give them
permission to neglect their responsibilities, to be violent,
to get angry, and to take their angry out or their anger out on
those who are less you know, those who are beneath them. We give them
permission to use, you know, bad language, we give them permission
to, you know, to oppress just the bottom line. We give them
permission to oppress even though Allah Subhana Allah has forbidden
oppression. What is that?
What is that?
So it's no wonder that they continue the cycle, because that's
what we gave them permission to do. So mothers fathers families,
we need to step up and set a just a higher standard for our
families.
The standard of Islam, the best of manners, a HELOC. Good Behavior,
humility, caring for each other, caring about each other, being
generous giving
upholding the truth, Upholding justice.
When it comes to these types of when it comes to behind closed
doors, our community is very good at keeping just keeping stone.
It's like we don't have to talk about justice or you know the
truth or anything like that. If it's behind your closed doors,
that's where we want it to stay. Just don't make a fuss and don't
make us know about your business. We don't want to know about your
business.
And that's why I feel like the the way that the conversation ends up
being about single mothers and about divorced women is a big
problem for me. And I'll tell you why. Why the focus is on women and
I could be wrong Allahu Allah, but this is what I see. The reason
that we focus on women when we are talking about single mothers and
divorcees is because we believe
that, if she had done things the way he wanted, he would not have
divorced her bone
is her fault. If she had done what he asked, he would not have
divorced her. Therefore it is her fault that she's in the situation
that she's in. That is why it is easy for us to look at single
mothers and divorces as creators of their own problem. Okay, that's
their fault. It's their fault. If they had listened if they had been
submissive if they had given him what he wanted, if they had
dressed up, if they had done this and done that, we wouldn't have
this problem, we wouldn't have to have Sharia Council, we wouldn't
have to have these kids who don't have a father wouldn't have to be
looking at, you know, money for these kids and didn't at all.
It would not be the community's problem anymore. It's interesting,
because
there is never a conversation as to what the man did to to create
the situation. Not only is there not a conversation about how the
man or the couple contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, but
also if there was an irrevocable breakdown. Where are the fathers
for these children? Why are they absent? Why are they not giving
the money that they're supposed to give? Why have they abandoned
their children? While they're not being called out? Why are they not
being told? I fear Allah, these are your children. Why is the
conversation all about single mothers who can't control their
kids? Those kids have fathers? They have fathers we're not
talking about kids born out of wedlock here we're talking about
children born in the sanctity of marriage. So why now are they
found fatherless because the Father Yes says is busy looking
for an ex wife. Exactly. But no one's gonna call them out on that
because man's got knees you get me
like I said, guys, I am I am. I am definitely like, what's the word?
I'm generalizing. And mashallah, there are families and communities
that really work hard to bring about
Islam, between the people who did Allah may Allah bless you and may
Allah continue to do that because it's what's needed. It's what's
needed. Yeah. So I'm not saying this. I'm not using you know,
tarring everyone with the same brush. Please don't say that I am
but this is what I'm seeing.
And we need to start talking about these things and we need to start
taking action against these things because they are damaging us and
they are damaging our children. And so that is all I have to say
on this. So please, may Allah forgive me if I said anything
wrong. Any good is from hims Panama dalla and any mistakes is
from myself on the shape on my Allah bless us all. Accept our
fasts, accept our deeds and place us in the very highest rank speed
Nila. I hope to see you next time inshallah. Salonika