Naima B. Robert – Secrets of Successful Wives conference What Muslim men want
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The importance of respecting men and women, prioritizing family and balancing emotions in marriage is emphasized in a webinar on the topic of the Rat Race. The speakers emphasize the need to protect each other's privacy and acknowledge that everyone is working towards improving their relationships. They offer advice on how to improve their own relationships and refin their relationships. They are willing to work on improving their relationships until their partner reaches their level of comfort.
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I'm welcome I think Brother hammer gave me hosting rights and so when
I
off when I came off one device it turned everybody off my apologies
everyone Subhan Allah Allah Diem I'll get us back on YouTube sorry
everyone My apologies
welcome everyone, my apologies.
I think for him and gave me hosting so when I came off my
phone to try and switch over to another device, it kicked
everybody off it closed down the entire webinar. My apologies.
Please everyone know this, I made a decision. earlier on today I
said, Inshallah, when we do secrets of successful wives 2022
Inshallah, we are going to have a tech team on board and the tech
team are the ones who are going to set up the the meetings, and the
webinars and the streaming and everything in sha Allah, and I
will not do it all on my own. Because yeah, it's not the best
solution. Subhan Allah Allah may Allah make it easy. Thank you so
much for all your for your patience, everybody. My apologies.
Right, let's get everybody back where they're supposed to be.
Right.
Okay, let me know if you guys are here if everybody's okay. Yep.
Mike is here. Hamdulillah. Brother Nasir. Yes. Brother Mohammed. Yes.
Gregor. Great. I'm getting that. Right. Saba, you're so sweet.
You're doing so well hosting with the tech sis. I'm really lucky.
We're just trying my apologies, brothers. I think the hosting was
put to me on a particular there, whatever. It doesn't matter.
Somebody can everybody on YouTube, I will wait for you to join us
again. Because you probably were kicked off on your end. So I will
bring up brother dean will be able to come back on. But anyway, as I
keep saying I've been saying all weekend, the show must go on. So
let's, let's keep it moving. Let's keep it rolling. We are live on
YouTube, I believe. Let me just check. Make sure that we are yes,
we are hamdulillah and everybody's there doing their thing. So such a
great space over there on YouTube. Mashallah. is amazing. Okay.
Let's start the recording again. Oh, no, it's recording again.
Hamdulillah. Okay, thank you, zoom. That's good stuff. Okay. All
right, brothers, please take it away. Oh, yeah, you were going to
give us spill the tea on what these brothers want. Come on.
They saw I mean, what I was about to say before walk off, it was
about to say was,
generally speaking,
I'm married marriage only works when a certain mindset is put into
place when a certain framework is laid down, and everyone's on
board.
And we know that men have rights, and women have rights. Now, almost
right of her husband, primarily, there was more than one is
actually looked after, both financially in terms of being
provided her clothing, food, accommodation and whatnot, that's
a that's a huge amount of rights, or as a huge, right, you can see a
collection of rights given to the woman.
And at no point or as at no stage in that agreement. Is Is she
required to, to partake or to take part in in that in the maintenance
and looking after of the family. So essentially, for a man, that's
a huge source of ability, he has to make sure that everyone is
looked after, and that he's providing that, that service that
right and keeping everyone you know, looked after. Now that being
the case, doing that succeeded in doing that is very difficult. No
one knows and and deny that the rat race is called The Rat Race
for a reason. We have to go after a certain time you have to go meet
some people, we have to talk to people we don't like talking to
you have to engage the people don't engage in wherever you have
to. You have to put us put aside your hunger and wait for lunchtime
or maybe it was time to there's a lot of things you have to do just
to fulfill that one. Right. And there are many other ways we can
have but that's just one one of them.
So
If almost asked, What does a man want, he wants to make that light
that role easy.
That's it, as if he has to go out every day and provide for his
family. The last thing he wants to do is to come home and continue
the nonsense, continue the headache, continue the argument,
continue the struggles, the struggles is outdoors, not
indoors. And if anything that will probably be at the forefront of,
of what a man is really concerned with. And I've heard Brahmas said
similar things in this in this panel, it's the things about a
woman looking after his assets when he's away, that kind of
stuff. I mean, that's essentially meaning when, when, when, when he
has statements and phrases like a man looks up once a woman who
looks after his family and is a state when he's out, what
essentially is saying, when I got out, and I'm in that stressful
world, called Planet Earth, I don't want to also have to worry
about what's at home. I wanted to pull aside concern on that worries
and focus on one task, I think, probably NASA mentioned the issue
of focus, I want to focus on that game, of earning the risk. That's
my game, I don't want to focus on anything else, I want to come
home, I want to put that focus aside, I don't be reminded of
that, I want to continue with that I want to end that struggle I want
to have I want to have I want to have two lives, the life of
struggle, and a life of ease. And I think this, I think if a woman
wants to be in a happy marriage, she needs to understand what he
must do. For her, he has no saying he if he wants to do nothing at
all, no one's gonna blame her. No one's gonna criticize and also say
anything bad against her. But if he's not doing what he's supposed
to be doing, there will be saying, brother, what are you doing? Why
looking at looking after you why why not? Why not maintaining the
fort, you could say. So that being the case, this is where sometimes
I will say
Frick's friction may begin at the home.
Especially when a person has been out on a stressful day. And a
common one is more stress. So I would say to sisters, they need to
focus on ask themselves, what do you really want from the marriage?
And I don't mean, I want someone who makes me feel this and makes
it for that, and blah, blah, blah, all these things about the
feelings. It's nice. It's important. But marriage is not
about a long term perpetual happiness. It's about building
something. It's about struggle. What do you really want from your
life from the marriage? And if you ask yourself that question, and
you say to yourself, This is what I want. The next question I would
say you need to ask yourself is, what am I willing to do to get
that?
And I find that a lot of times when I get phone calls from from
sisters who have the struggles, they have a long list of things
that they're not getting
over when they ask them, what are you willing to do to get it? A lot
of them not willing to do that. And what I mean by that is the
sacrifice. I'm not saying it's only brothers brothers have the
same same thing, same questions that asked says what are you
brother willing to do to get get what you want out of the marriage?
But when we're talking about one side, we're talking about what men
want. And women have asked him, What do you want? So the question
is sisters, to yourself, What are you willing to do to get a happy
home, because at the end of the day, if a man is saying I want, if
you want this from me, this is what I want from you, you have to
be willing to give.
And that may mean if your husband like LeBron, NASA Marshall
laughing, he had a really good approach. And I think that
approach came after some level of maturity. But when I got married,
I wasn't 19. So I wasn't asking those questions he was asking, I
was asking my question, When is the marriage when is an ICA? And
that will not only question, but I think when you mature, you start
having more focus as to what you want in life, I want to go here, I
want to go there. When you're young, you're like, wherever I go,
wherever the wind takes me Bismillah. But when you're when
you're a bit more mature, and more focused, you're like, Okay, I know
where I want to go. I know, my, my, my, my, my, what I want to
achieve in life, and this is how I want to get it.
So one has to be clear in their mind about what they want from the
range, and what are they willing to do to achieve it? So they bring
us living beings make this practical, and I don't make this
too long.
So there was one particular case that I was dealing with handler
that the marriage that I was advised that this is approval on
the law, but one of the issues that kept coming up in their
marriage was that there was constant fighting, constant
argument. He did something. She was a cross party respond because
it was silly. It was it was obnoxious, it was arrogant. It was
this and she had an issue with the way he spoke to her and this and
the other is also softball.
So I said to the sister, okay,
have you tried not saying anything? And then he'd been rude.
To deliver not noxious, I mean, try to just not say anything, or
maybe give them a hug and say, I love you. He's been rude. And your
response to him is, I love you. I mean, have you tried that? Why
should I do that? I have my respect. I have this. I have that.
And that response
I had to add at educating sisters in law system.
What are you willing to do to get what you want? You keep saying Why
should I have to,
but this is the issue. Most Muslims and this is hope this
would be the most important thing they won't take. Some might say,
most Muslims don't realize that none of us deserve anything.
You carefully there is nothing you can say I deserve x y Zed if you
are given Alhamdulillah suppressed from Allah. And if you're not
given it to someone else, but Allah, Allah, we have sub, we have
sub.
And this is this, this is this. If you don't have that, at your core,
I don't see much, much, much room for success in a long term
marriage. If you think that a marriage is only about getting
what you want,
then you've not understood what marriage is really like. Marriage
is about sacrifice. Marriage is about patience, you may not get
exactly what you want, you may not get the 15 kids you wanted to have
to the question is, what are you willing to do to fulfill the
rights of Allah remarkable. Draw up on what Brother say? I
mentioned about the issue of, of Islam. If you don't have Islam as
your criterion as your as your yardstick,
then I can't see how you can ever come together on anything and or
come to an agreement. How can you possibly because the end of the
day, most of what we argue about in our homes, it's all subjective
things. And there's one interesting thing I came across it
wasn't one non Muslim, but it was a very important point is about
and I think mashallah NASA probably expanded a bit more about
this because into psychology, most attributes have a dual personality
to them. Meaning in some perspective, it's really annoying.
Another same perspective, the same attribute is really useful. And I
mentioned this this is the nightmare before being punctual.
Someone might really appreciate being punctual and Masha live
presently function is always on time is always delivering when he
says it as he wants it, masha Allah,
what someone else's annoyance is like, probably quite give me a
break. Every you're always on my case, like five minutes late, and
it wasn't my case having it. So the same attribute of being
punctual to some people is a good thing. And other people, it's a
bad thing. And what we have to realize is that there is no
perfect attribute, every single characteristic of your husband or
wife has a positive side and has a negative side. And most cases in
marriages is more about perspective. How have you
interpreted that
behavior? And how have you responded to that behavior? So
just to draw a conclusion about the issue of what domain one?
Again, all I can really say, to be honest, is that
I mean, I'm advising women here because they thought it was never
meant to be said something else. But I'm advising a group of women,
I would say to women, you need to actually focus that when your
husband comes home. What does it What? What is needed to happen to
make him smile?
Maybe it might be doing the dishes, and maybe you hate doing
the dishes? But if it makes him smile, is it worth it?
Maybe having the kids put to bed nice and Washington had done and
close press? If that's what makes him happy? Is that worth is doing
that thing worth having a happy home? This the question is need to
ask yourself, realistically, and talk and tap in at home and
Jasmine, find that when he wants don't say Don't ask him by the
way, don't say, What do you want? I'm saying that but I'm saying tap
into the things that makes you happy. Do certain things cease
response? And because every man is different. And then once you found
the thing that makes him happy, even though might not be something
that you like doing, if it's something that makes him happy.
question now is is it worth doing that thing? That happy home? And I
think it shows in a dialogue we'll have more conversation about about
the insha Allah but other things, there's a lot of stigma we have
like, the thing that comes to mind is the raw Hana FSiA. Right?
Somebody that can be the tranquillity for me at home. While
I as a man, I'm going about my day to day slaying the proverbial
dragon outside, doing a madness breaking my back. I don't want to
come home to something which is going to increase and exacerbate
that tension. All a man really wants and this is the message that
I want to give to this as well is just to lay his head on your lap
and feel that sense of tranquility. And a certain value.
Maybe you can elaborate as to why why was how were created for Adam
Alayhis Salam as in what liters con la right was that? I think so
that Islam can come from
feel that sense of tranquility ease? Why found cytokine why find
the issue of the rock kind of see is that generally speaking,
if a woman makes her husband happy, his happiness makes her
happy.
It's a mutual thing. And this what happens is that we as a as a,
that's one interesting, interesting thing in Arabic
language that the word for wife is actually the same word for a
husband. And all we say the words OGE as husband and XO Jetsun as a
wife, but ironically, in Arabic language, it was all just within
the feminine is actually a new thing. Is MK speaking, the word
xojo was used for both male and female not to use soldier when the
books of inheritance because yeah, to distinguish between a husband
and a wife. But the the question is, okay, why is the same word
used for husband and used to wife is because it was OGE means a
pair, husband and wife and as house to be opposite people. And
you can say
puzzle pieces that don't fit, you're supposed to be one picture,
one image, you, your wife, your children, it was to build an image
was it come together and coalesce and build an image, this is how it
has to be. So when it comes to a husband, the husband is happy, she
will be happy, when she is happy, he will be happy. So both sides,
husband and wife have to actually make effort to make the other side
happy. But like I said, the question now is, what are you
willing to do to achieve that? And I think unfortunately, sometimes
on both ends, husband and wife, some of us we get a bit of an ego,
miss, like now, why should I do this when they don't do enough for
me. But bruv even even though she's gotten your nerves, even
though he's getting what I willing to do, or even forgive, to achieve
happiness, I wouldn't have to let go of certain things to achieve
happiness. And that is that is I mean, the end of the day, just
include any successful marriage that's been going on for a while
the most important thing there was any personal settings in my mind
for longer, I would say, look, marriage is one continuous
struggle. And you have to make it work. If the moment it stops
happening, the moment that a marriage ends when you decide to
end, this will carefully a marriage ends only when you
decided to end. But you also decide to continue it you can also
decide to make it work you can make that you can make a decision,
I can decide to myself, I'm going to make this work. But as I say by
hook or crook because it's in America, by hook or crook.
And I add a point. Yeah, go for it. Go for it. So a couple of
points came to mind. And so exactly you say interpretations
from the from the lens of
Hold on, hold on, hold on. I have to start. Muhammad, I think you
were going to go are you good if you got hit please, please,
please. Again, I believe in beauty before age and you know
haven't seen the more tougher brother. I'm not even
exaggerating.
present my dad, but this is never my Dad, this is never got me on a
bill boy. So you
my brothers salute. So quick, quick points, um, what came to my
mind. So from a lens from a lens of a modality interpretations or
those things, event happens, you perceive it You and I may perceive
it the same. But the evaluation we both make the interpretation we
both make up that situation can be totally differ. And so that's the
thing that we all have control over. And he needs to take
personal responsibility over, we take personal responsibility over
the thoughts that we have, right, the event we can't control, Allah
says he's going to test us that is going to happen. So you don't have
control over that. But you do have control over those
interpretations. And so this point that you brought up, in that
example, about the sister singing, I have my respect for me when I
hear that, that's that first line in it. And that second sentence
that may not be said is and this is a form of him disrespecting me,
and I'm not gonna let him disrespect me. Versus I have my
respect. And the other line is, and he's a fallible human being.
And this is his expression of fallibility. This is his
expression of not having control over his emotions, doesn't excuse
it. But you can see one, one interpretation, one self talk is
going to lead to you being angry, and thus I have to show him, the
other is going to lead to you just being maybe irritated with your
husband and thus responding in a different way. Again, that all
comes back to you controlling the interpretation. You make one last
point because I want to be concise. I want Mohammed to be
able to say that I was concise. So early when I was saying no
On your deficiencies that helps you know what you can do and thus
that does that helps you understand what you're willing to
do, because you know your capacity right so again, we come back to a
for me when I when I hit with my brother Sam, for me it comes back
to you have to have that self awareness. You have to know your
capacity, what you can do,
and thus what you're willing to do.
So
go ahead and shut up, I thought my four brothers need to come in and
Sharla as long Assalamu Aleikum
I want to just pick up where brother Nasser left off in his
earlier presentation about what we men want in our wives.
But I want to go to a particular Hadith Rasulullah sallallahu
sallam said, the man is like the shepherd of his flock. Whatever
direction he goes, they follow.
In an ideal world, we will all get ready made wives. It isn't usually
the case,
over 20 years of counseling, whenever the NASA talks about
checking your baggage during courtship, we always present both
men and women, the best sides of our character, or even our
experiences. But one thing we should always remember is that we
are the sum of our experiences. And if we have unresolved issues,
and we take them into the marriage, that's where true love
steps in. Because many of us go in damaged
many of us in a previous discussion I had with Sister
Naima, I shared the story of my experiencing sexual abuse
from another boy or older boy. Now, many women also have that
baggage.
It took me almost 10 years
to tell my wife that I've had that experience.
Fortunately for me, I didn't allow it to make me into a victim. And
Alhamdulillah I didn't perpetrate the same disgusting thing on
others.
But
when women come in with that baggage,
that's where men step up,
and try to help them heal.
And in the process, they get over it. Because some come in with a
lot of anger, because of unresolved issues of which you
have no party to you will not involved. But once in a while,
those unresolved issues have a way of rearing their ugly heads and
causing chaos in a marriage. Now, when we're the natural talked
about self awareness, among the things we teach people that come
to us is we tell them we're going to embark on a journey of self
discovery, a journey into the self. And we asked them to have a
column. One is strengths, attributes. One is challenges and
weaknesses. And one of the things that that does, and we say Be
honest, because it's not about right or wrong, it's just about
truth.
And when you're having problems in a marriage, and you are honest
about some things, a woman can tell me she will discuss with
Maryam. And that is what we make that disclaimer, because of maybe
the embarrassment. But what we try to do, and I urge everybody to do
that is to just a self a journey into the self.
When you know you're not perfect brothers and sisters Wallahi
you're more accommodating of the other person's shortcomings.
Because I think Brother NASA also said that they were not perfect.
And as soon as Allison said the most disliked people in the eyes
of Allah are those who are most argumentative.
So again, applies to both brothers and sisters. When there's a
disagreement Calm down, just say what is it that I'm after?
Is it massaging my ego? Or is it to have peace and harmony in the
home?
Because the home is supposed to be a place of silos for both husband
and wife. Not just one person, both husband and wife.
And as long as both of us are looking in that direction, and
that's why I went I started with the
mind being the shepherd of his flock, as you guide as a worm,
you're responsible. You guide you set the rules, not in a very hard
fast way. But according to the guidelines as stipulated in the
Holy Quran, and the sunnah of Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu
sallam, because satisfying those rights meeting those rights is an
act of ubaidah. It's all about my ego. I tell people,
when I go out to work, it doesn't matter what title I'm holding,
Managing Director, Chairman, Director, General, whatever.
Once I get to the gate of my home, I hang my ego out on the gate. I
don't come into the house with it.
Why? It's a place of peace. And I don't come in with an attitude.
And neither does my wife meet me with an attitude. But then why we
said something about coming home and getting peace. And so it were
the Malick, my father in law taught my wife that 30 minutes an
hour to 30 minutes before I come back from work. She tidies the
house,
she takes a shower, she puts on some makeup. And the moment she
hears me approaching the door, she actually meets me at the door and
opens the door with a smile and would first and foremost ask me,
how was your day. Now whatever baggage
I had coming into the house, that just sort of melts away. But I
want to say something about
what we should commit to. And in exchange, we expect that also from
our spouse, that is to commit to help to support each other's
development spiritually, physically, emotionally,
intellectually, socially, and in service to humanity, there has to
be something bigger than both of us. No, and all this
is done, as we fulfill each other's needs, wants and
fantasies. But when I talked about the garment, the sutra
it's about when a wife or husband
errs, you will make excuses for them. For so Allah said they were
made out of one of our ribs. And he said, The rib isn't straight,
it's curved, it's bent on when you try to force to straighten it out,
it will break.
So we keep that in mind that the way we're wired is different from
the way that women are wired. And we lead,
we are believers. And among the rights of the husband, is what one
of the brothers said he expects the wife to do, it's already
stipulated to protect your property. Among those rights, also
is not to allow anybody into the home that you disapproval, that is
your home. That's also the rights of the husband. But we're the USS
something that I tend to just I smile, because I tend to tell
people, when you line them up, when you compare them, the rights
of the husband and the rights of the wife, believe you me, you're
tempted to say, I think they have more rights than we do.
You look at it carefully. I like my goodness, because he mentioned
some of them. And these are areas where we need to be very careful.
It's not the ego. I know culture has a lot of influence. But
ultimately, like I said at the beginning, we're not going to be
judged based on culture. We're going to be judged based on the
guidelines are stipulated in the Holy Quran and the Sunnah of
Prophet Muhammad Salah some.
But the NASA says something about interpretation. Yes, is a wide
range.
You could understand one way some clients don't and another. The
only caution is we make sure we don't step out of bounds. And we
end up on the side that is wrong. And that's why we're cautious. And
that's why in many in all matters that we deal with. We approach it
with a gentle, soft and moderate approach. So that insha Allah when
we come to manage our responsibilities as heads of the
household, but an answer without a doubt, that is an area that need
not be debated upon. That is the right that Allah has entrusted in
men.
So there is no situation where the woman wears the pants. It's just
Islamically not going to happen. But
respect in leadership is earned.
The man has to earn that respect. How does he do that by being
knowledgeable?
By acting according to those teachers by
by leading by example, by teaching those lessons patiently. And by
being as supportive as he can be, when they are unable
to check that baggage. So those responsibilities just, you know,
societies, I think I lived in the state for 22 years, I left this
country when I was, I believe, 19. I didn't come back till I was 41
and 10 of those 20 years, I was living there with Miriam as my
wife. So throughout our life in the States, with all the things,
but the more we talked about the rat race, and so on and so forth,
I did my best not to deviate
from those rights and responsibilities, I taught them, I
did the best I could. And like he said, You cannot do it 100%. But
you know, all actions, which is the Korean tensions, and Allah
knows what's in our hearts, and in His mercy,
and the understanding of the wife, because I had, I have a wife, who
knows those rights, like the back of a hand and will lie he every
opportunity, Maryam has to relieve me of those rights, she jumps on
it, because it is a source of reward, immense reward for her. So
there is no competition, if there's a competition. In my home.
It is competing in who gets the most rewards from Allah. That's
the main areas we compete about. But when we argue,
when we argue, Maryam
Lee reads my mouth, my mind reads my mood. And even when she wants
to raise an issue, she takes time to see how was my husband's day.
And then she was saying, Hmm, this may not be the right time, I'll
let him come down. And then I'll raise the issue. So if I've had a
rough day, a very difficult day, and she has some issues that she
wants to bring to my attention. She is very, very considerate, of
being mindful of my mood, and she is not there to add problems. So
she waits when the situation comes now and I'm okay and I'm happy.
She says,
I want to make an appointment to discuss something with you in a
very polite manner. And I know there's something bothering my
wife, she doesn't come with a high tone with disrespectful tone
demanding this or that. And then I say, Okay, I prepare myself No,
it's going to be a difficult conversation. And I also check
myself in saying, it's gonna be tough, you make sure you have your
Teflon code on so that whatever she throws in your direction
doesn't upset you. Yours is to filter out any annoying choice of
words used. And just get to the meat of the discussion. What is
the problem? And that's how we've been doing it for over 24 years.
So
sorry for taking so long, but I just wanted to, you know, touch
upon what Brother Nasir said, whether I'm with what you said,
and to concur with certain things. And
thank you very much. Does, I just jump tonight, may I just jump in
here actually, brother just like located all of you for listening,
just the gems. But definitely, um, we've had several panels with her
over the weekend. And she actually told us about making an
appointment to fight. And she said to us that she she asks you to
make an appointment to fight quote, unquote, you know, to go
through something, right. And she said, she holds whatever the
thought is, until you find time in your schedule to to have this
conversation. And she said, sometimes it takes him three days.
But then when we have that conversation, you know, he gives
me his attention. And we have the conversation. And I said to her
money, I'm actually think your husband is playing it's putting
game on you. Because the fact that he's giving you three days, you
know, to kind of calm down and just, you know, center your cells
by Oh, you have the conversation. I think there's a bit of
psychology there. I heard I heard where you said that. And I
chuckled. And the truth of the matter is, when you seem when I
take those number of days, I'm trying to deal with some of the
crisis I have in me and it will not all go well. Not dealing with
that to the status of a discussion. So
I never game Maryam she's too intelligent for that. And at the
end of the day sister Naima
when you play
The games with your spouse, even if she's, she's not onto it, Allah
is
and Allah will not be pleased with you. So in everything that Maria
and I do discuss, we do not ever forget to put Allah first. We are
open to him.
And manipulation of that nature, I studied a bit of psychology so I
know what you were referring to when Maryam is the first to tell
you that I don't do that I'm a straight shooter. And sometimes
I'm trying to deal with something she said before that I hadn't
dealt with. And I'm afraid if it raised again, I might lose focus,
and we may not arrive at an amicable solution that mutually
beneficial. So I, I deal with those things, I deal with them one
by one, I kind of make a mental list and I say, check one check to
check the check for, okay, everything's fine. Let's sit down
and take and have this discussion. Sometimes it's just a day,
sometimes, like she said, three days. But at the end of the day
one asks oneself, what is it you're trying to attain? It is to
resolve a misunderstanding. Each person wants to be understood. At
the end of the day, that's what we all wish for. I just want to be
understood. And if that's the objective, then we should be
mindful of how we express ourselves to each other, and how
we listen. Among the things we do as we teach both effective
listening and effective communication choices of words. No
I can do right now is the same as No, you know, I don't care to do
it for you right now. But the meaning the impacts are different.
So we careful. And it tell people articulate your thoughts. As you
articulate your thought your articulating your speech. So it
comes out right, it comes out properly, with consideration with
compassion and with respect. And when we talk about respect, if the
man
loves respect, he should also extend respect.
And what does that mean? Just talk politely with your to your spouse.
Just be considerate. Just be compassionate, Be understanding.
And so in answer to that question, I was hoping for an opportunity to
actually address it. Now. I wasn't gaming her system anymore. I
wasn't at all. I apologize. I apologize. I know it's easily
misunderstood, because I remember having a discussion with a brother
from Egypt.
You know him, I think it's in my mid side, I'm trying to remember
and he was in Nigeria to give a lecture and we were discussing
polygamy. And I remember Marian,
I was counseling somebody who was about to get married. And I was
urging this gentleman to just tell his first wife that he is getting
married to a second wife. And he'll say, No, I'm not going to do
that. You're just being so European. So American. And so and
I'm saying no, it's just courtesy. It's just respect. And so as we
were counseling that gentleman, Miriam said, do you know when you
respect your wife and you treat her well, she might be the one to
even ask you to marry a second wife. And she wanted to say I
almost assay to my second wife that blew me away because we'd
been married like 25 years that and I looked at him in shock
because she's never told me. And I was like, Who? And she said no,
I'm not telling you. She's already mentioned Subhanallah
Alhamdulillah. So we're discussing this Mohamed salah. And as the
telling the story tomorrow, my son I said, You know what I call
marinaside. And I told her Maryam, if you are asking me to marry a
second wife, she will be she will be like a spectator in this
marriage because of what we've been able to build over the years.
I know I can look at my room across the room and we'll start
laughing because we can communicate without actually
talking to one another and she can I can send a joke across the room
without saying a word to Maria. So I said and I remember telling this
to from Rama Salah and he just looked at me so oh brother that's
such a good line. And you know, he gave me a hug. No, like
Subhanallah No brother. I'm not that wasn't an act. That was
genuine. I was being honest. So I'm telling you this story to say
it's it didn't it didn't do anything wrong. It's easy. It's
easy to miss understand these things. So Alhamdulillah
Alhamdulillah
Alhamdulillah just like a love hate and brother my way you had
your hand up I think
yeah, it's
this home in one key point that NASA mentioned mashallah about the
issue of, of interpretation.
That is, that is
also probably one of the most important things one has to learn
in a marriage. And the reason I say learn is because I'll say this
many people when they put when you get married, especially for the
first
I'm obviously married.
No one was born with the knowledge of how to be a good husband or
good wife. I mean, you might learn the rights and whatnot. But it
doesn't make you a good husband, a good wife, just like, I might
learn what it takes to be a doctor and about medicine. But that
doesn't make you a good doctor. So
in the marriage, you have to learn on the job. literally speaking,
I've learned on the job, what it takes to be a good wife or take to
be a good husband. And that understanding, if you just slot
that understanding, into your interpretation of events
in Charlotte should make it should make the path of success easier.
Why? Because when your husband messes up, when your wife messes
up, you know, well, when both of you this thing is going to take
time, remember football have to learn, like I said, Before, when
you had this previous discussion, a husband and a wife are like two
stones.
And when you live together, you're robbing together, it takes time
for the face of the two stones to become smooth. Therefore the
friction is less, it takes time. You're not gonna you're not you're
not you're not born to fit, there's no such thing as a perfect
fit or a soulmate, this is nonsense, you have to make time to
grow together. And that's why at least at least,
I'll say seven to 10 years is about a rough rough amount of time
to say we're just to say whether or not you can even begin to work
together. And I think even in psychology, they say that every 10
years, essentially, as a personality change from one place
to another person takes a long time for you to absorb your life,
absorb the experiences, and and put that into how you are become.
And that means 10 years living with this woman with limitless
man, you learn how to behave together, what to give, and this
is why I think I want I wanted to draw up on whatever is the
question in the quote in the q&a as to it to join to that NASA?
Or who was hosting the question here?
Yeah, I just noticed there was a question in the q&a, which kind of
ties into our saying I was, I was wondering if you can address it
now? Are we doing the question? And
the question was how to know when a relationship is not going
anywhere. I went to call it quits. And when I read that, I thought to
myself, I think this is a wrong perspective.
What does it mean to go anywhere, and marriage is about building a
build a building a legacy?
Building a legacy takes time. I mean, I mean, if you really think
about it, a lot of the things of the past buildings like even like
massive cathedrals, and massages and bridges, these some of these
projects in the past generations. That means the guy who built who
laid the first brick for this building, or put the first
foundations but his bridge knew he would never see it finished. But
yeah, he dedicated his life to building this thing.
It if we look at a marriage and a family like that, we are building
something, we may not even see the fruits of it in our lives. But we
know we're trying to build something bigger. So having a
question of how I know it's not gonna go nowhere. What does that
mean? You mean? You may never see it go anywhere. It may, it may
manifest itself years down the line. I have no idea how it
happened. And this is I'm sure everyone everyone
in this listening to this conversation has had certain
people in their lives maybe they've kind of just walked it
into their lives and wash it up. Maybe they said something to you
made one comment to you then wanting to like change everything
about who you was or how you behave in certain scenarios. Maybe
that's the only thing that has to happen that you to get that I
mean, I mean, even like me being a Muslim.
I learned about Islam. As you get down to Islam even before I was
Muslim, by the way, is to give doubt Islam refer to Korea. I
mean, it sounds ridiculous, but it was the case I used to give out
it's not always the Muslim. And then one day, one guy called Zhi
SHAN I don't know who he was, I met him.
And he said to me, You hypocrite, you said Islam, Islam, Islam and
then eating pork
and then walked off.
Well, I before that, before the event, I didn't know this guy, as
he said that never met him again. But that statement, forced me
psychologically to go to the mission take shahada, just one
Kenema one statement that changed my life forever. So maybe you
think oh, my mind is not going anywhere. Anything but maybe
there's something that's coming in the pocket you have no idea it's
gonna manifest will change the future of yourself. Your husband,
your family, even the OMA is Imagine. Imagine this nonsense, ie
the husband that you're with, but you can't you can't stand Look at
his face, for whatever reason. And then you had somebody with a
situation you had children and so Vandala your child is the Maddie.
It could be
Because I you tell me is impossible a telling me? Are you
telling me that your husband has to be the beat of Allah for your
life and every company to be to beat to be successful? No, it's
about building something to the future. So what that means what
kind of trauma trying to get out now is
you don't have to have a perfect marriage, they have a successful
one isn't carefully. You don't have to have a perfect marriage to
have a successful one. You can have a successful marriage where
you are looked after he is looked after you have this thing most
people don't even realize what it actually is to be single to go
back out into the into into the world. But look for that perfect
perfection. You're laughing. I will conclude that and I'll stop
here because I was taught that there's one particular sister I
was speaking to a couple months ago. And she literally said to me,
said, Oh, she's Oh, my husband, he's just, he's got bipolar. Is
this and is that and all the complaints about system? I mean,
how was he with the kids? He's the best husband I can think I can I
can wish for for the kids. I mean, does he provide for my husband
working all the time, I hardly even see him.
So Sister, what's going on? Are you really considering because
you're considering the end of the month, I really consider an end in
the marriage, taking your children away from that, for the
possibility of finding someone better, you may even find someone
even worse, but you're willing to end something which you know, is
good for the possibility of something that may come that's
good.
And this is this is the end and they will come to the company the
dunya we have to recognize why are we here we are here to watch for
law and to build something for the future for the athlete or even for
the art era. And again, don't don't go on but it's one last
point that wants to come to our center. And she mentioned to me So
bravo, sizzle become Muslim. My life has been difficult. It's been
hard it's in this trial after that trial. I have issues with my
family and hijab and blah blah But why is Why is as soon as I become
Muslim, my views are difficult.
As I said sister direct Assam is here to make your life happy.
It's almost hard to make you go to Jana.
This This dunya is not here to make it this is not Jana dunya is
not Jana dunya is trials is the genital comfort, it's the Journal
of the kofod and it's a sigil for the Muslim, it's the prison for
the Muslim.
Expect difficulty, expect hardship. And that means every
step of your marriage is going to be hardship it's going to be
tears, but you know, if you choose to make it work, you're gonna make
the effort to make it work and I don't have one more that
is more feedback or shall
I just like to say that I can lokalen as you can see in the chat
is on fire with preach and here here and yes, And subhanAllah
you know, I'm just a bit of a brag moment here. Almost everyone on
this panel is a guest on the marriage conversation show by the
way guys, so if you liked what these brothers were saying, make
sure that you watch the episodes that they come on we've done the
marriage conversation because they they'd say so much more of what
they have been sharing today Masha Allah and I think just amazing,
amazing insights from all the panelists, Mashallah. Now there's
a question here that I really feel is very, very important one
because I think it's a very common concern that a lot of sisters
have. And that is sort of how can we increase our respect for our
husbands? There's a part of me that looks down on him if I'm
completely honest. This kind of ties in with your point for them
earlier about the husband not being everything that you wanted
him to be okay whether it's earning enough whether it's
looking good enough whether it's having as much you know, status or
gravitas in the community or you know not being as hands on enough
as a father whatever it is in your mind you have an ideal right most
women most of us
we
to
who the house
should
be who we want him to be
for those short
so I'm just, I think the connection
with this, I'll just
I'll just
Say that feeling of looking down on him and the ideal that we have.
Sorry, I just didn't know. I think the connection is breaking up. So
I'll take that. I think the question was around, literally the
word hypergamy. Right. When people have been being satisfied as catch
any of them.
I've got covenants law, I've got the question is the question
directly?
Yeah.
So I think maybe she's broken. But essentially, it's got nothing to
do with Shala in this global, you know, global sexual marketplace
that we live in, where you know, you all it takes is a connection,
or internet connection to see the top 10% of men everywhere? How is
that affecting the sisters? In short, like, obviously, you've got
the bulk of the question and should any provision, please. I
mean,
the issue of looking down upon upon anyone really, I would say,
and no offense intended that this is this is a problem with the
sister.
Reason being is because
as I've mentioned, we all have failings, there's no such thing as
a perfect person. I mean, I may be good at ice skating, but I'm
terrible at basketball. I mean, we're not good at everything. It's
not possible to say that one person is good everything. So if a
person looks down upon someone, I would say that maybe they're not
looking at the other person's positives. And that essentially
is, I would say, at the root cause of almost all marriage.
difficulties or complications is that both parties were was
involved, fails to recognize the good that the other party has.
Even it's very something as simple as, you know.
For example, this
idea of just just just thinking about a sister, husband is falling
short in this, that and the other. But if your sister do you have to
worry about your like your electricity being cut off, or your
phone bill being cut off, or your or your water being cut off? I
mean, are you ever worried about being homeless or being hungry in
the day? These are a huge blessings and virtues that one
can't overlook? Yeah, maybe your husband has not had a knock. Or
maybe he doesn't do all the sooner that you want him to do. But
there's plenty of other things that he does. So just like
anything, mister, the last little lesson, we mentioned that for them
to demand actually, that if you find something, a fault in your
wife, you might find other things that she is good at, or things
that impress you or that makes you feel happy about her. And that's
that is I think that brings us back the issue and also mentioned
about framing, you need to frame things correctly. He's not good at
this. What is he? What is he good at? Or? Or? He's not good at this
thing. Now? What can I do to help him get good at it? That's another
thing another way looking at? Maybe he's not good at something?
What can I do to support him, and encourage him and help him to get
better at this thing you think he needs to be good at? I mean, maybe
this is where we look when we're looking at? I don't know. But I
mean, I think the idea of
how a person feels about someone, I think we as human beings are
more in control of our, our what we think the meat then we give
ourselves credit for.
Especially like, because I'm like, even after some arguments. I'm one
time it was years back now. But there's only one time I had other
had a click moment in my head. But actually, when I used to get, you
know, you know, in those moments, we think, oh, I want to be right.
In this argument. I wanna I want to I want to make my case, I want
to have an I want to have this argument, arguing about myself one
day, is it worth it?
And if I win the argument, so how was my marriage increase? If I
made a point, and I've submitted, I've made my wife agree with me.
So, I mean, how was my life increased anyway, he hasn't. And
that's what I learned in my own marriage is like, I don't have to
prove a point, I can just get a lot. The point is to be happy not
to be in arguments. And that was that actually was a conscious
decision. It wasn't something that anything around me change. It was
something I change about myself, I changed my perception and decided
it wasn't important. And maybe it's a case that I wanted to do
need to decide, or the things you think is important, that
important. But yeah, I mean, I think brothers played nicely. The
hands on let them see each other other things.
I just wanted to say,
oftentimes, we have to Furthermore, we I agree with a lot
of what you've said, but we have to find out what it is that the
man is doing is causing the disrespect.
Is he not fulfilling promises he made? Is it not praying is five
daily prayers is in our fasting during the month of Ramadan?
You know, there are a multitude of reasons that could make a woman
not respect her husband. Like I said earlier, respect has to be
earned. It's not automatic. Just because you have a husband doesn't
mean you're you will automatically get respect if you don't live up
to those responsibilities that the husband ought to do. And like I
said in those cases where he's unable to meet certain
responsibilities, it's a matter of discussion.
I'm having challenges in meeting this and that you're open, you're,
you're sincere, you're honest. And let's discuss it. How can you
assist me
in meeting these obligations. And I remember when Maria Maria would
cook, because when we went into marriage, I told Marian among her
responsibilities, there is nothing, there is no verse, There
is no Hadith that talks about cooking. And furthermore, we also
made allusions to that point. And I did 70% of the cooking in the
home, I had a formula, it worked out, cook a lot of meals, I'll
freeze them immediately, and we take them out and eat and when
those are done, and I had a timetable. Saturdays, I cook for
Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, Wednesday evening, I cook for
Thursday, and Friday, Saturday, I take her off Friday, we will watch
a movie or something like that, you know, so I had it down pat, it
wasn't difficult. But when Maryam would do something, that I by my
understanding of the religion is not a responsibility of hers. I
will say Maria, make the intention, make the NIA, that
you're going to be doing something in the form of sadaqa. To me. So
we had an understanding. And it was really not difficult. You
know, like, within what we talked about winning an argument. You
know, I mean, what the objective you want a wife as a loser, is
that the objective? I win every argument, she's subservient to me,
she doesn't argue with me, I get my way every time.
I mean, you kind of ask yourself, Is that the kind of environment I
want in my home? Where I win every argument, I win every debate?
Because I'm the man.
Now, what does that give you? Maybe it may make you feel good.
But what does it do to your wife?
And if we are to be the kindness to them, Prophet Muhammad
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, I'm the best amongst you, because
I'm the one who's kindness to my wives. And he's our role model.
Why don't we make that the objective and back to the issue of
respect,
in one aspect,
but why always right? Unless those failures are those things, he's
not meeting up with?
Oh, within his responsibility, and he's not fulfilling them without
justification without reason without logic, then he is really
inviting that disrespect upon himself.
But if it's something different, that comes with challenges of the
economy, or you know, circumstances, when you say,
Honey, let's sit down and talk about this, I'm supposed to be
doing that. But I'm having challenges here and there. There
is nothing wrong in discussing. And this is where the sutra aspect
comes in. The wife would come in and help the husband without
anybody in the whole world knowing about she uses Garmin, nobody
knows that he's not the one doing this. But she's the one doing it,
just between husband and wife, nobody else should know about
that. That's the aspect of the sutra. You cover him and he covers
you.
So it's important, we understand this, and the sisters understand
this. And that when a person comes out of a background
of I'm sorry to use this egotistical men.
And we have a lot of that in Africa.
And they're too proud to even admit they have in chat problems
meeting up with their responsibilities. And rather than
just having that conversation with the wife, they just ignore those
responsibilities, forgetting the fact that they're not just
ignoring their wives, they are offending Allah. Because those
duties like I said, sort of buffet, you don't pick and choose,
those are obligations.
And we have that incidences we have a lot of those incidences in
Africa in Nigeria, a lot of the counseling that we do men have
dropped their roles and responsibilities and are making
women carry the burden and it's causing a lot of disrespect in the
community. And we are really really having difficulty in making
men understand even when there are challenges have a conversation.
Just have a conversation. Thank you very much.
does have a look I think just the name has a connection probably has
gone down. There's one thing I wanted to add solidify for me from
my perspective in terms of this looking down upon upon your
husband. The question I want to ask sisters inshallah is why what
is it that you're looking at? What is it that you're comparing? What
is that bar that you've set in your mind, which has caused you to
look down upon your husband because for the first time in
history, we we needed an internet connection, right, you could be in
the Sahara Desert, and you have the ability to see them
Men who you know, these sisters would never even dream of even
meeting right men who are rolling around in Rolls Royces, who have
ABS and you know, able to have beautiful recitation of Quran all
combined and these individuals and somehow that normalizes that in
the mind of many sisters whether you like it or not the fact that
you're seeing these things which is obviously a highlight for you
as well, then the then the, you know, Paladin the halal for you,
it becomes less attractive, your current husband that you have that
is a blessing as the brothers mentioned, what if you were to see
our spouses as as a blessing from Allah, rather than something that
we you know, is right upon us. There are quite a few questions in
sha Allah in the chat and a quick point
so so like I said at the very beginning, God my client base, our
Muslim sisters, UK, Canada and the states and yes, I completely
agree.
We have to if the brother is taking care of the requirements
fundamentals hamdulillah and that should be the priority but let's
take it to an maybe a more
a different level
it is hard to respect the to respect some brothers who are
sitting around you know, potbelly playing video games all day.
Smoking cigarettes, not active have no ambition. No confidence,
no sweat, no finesse? Nothing. I mean, that's a drop. That's desert
dry marriage. Yes. Right. So I definitely I agree that maybe if
your husband is securing the foundation, like the requirements,
yes, at CES hold that man, like, that's, he's a winner.
But brothers, we got to go beyond that. Like, I tell, like, on my
Instagram I posted look, this you gotta you gotta to rule, like two
movies, you shouldn't go perish or where two times without touching
her. Sometimes it's some type of way, somewhere on her body, you
need to be touching or kissing or hugging or something, looking at
it, you need to have some type of finesse. In this day and age, you
just can't have some dry marriage.
And so I think I think when I hear that thing of respect, I do
understand that some systems
don't acknowledge the core things. The requirements that a husband
does present that are, are are critical. Right? They neglect it.
They don't see it. They just benefit from that means that he
provides. But I also know a number of sisters who are with men who
are just
they haven't they love
practicing Muslims that are lazy.
That have no drive, no ambition, no, no Gravatars no nothing. It's
just I go in clock and come home, sit down, where's the food like
nothing, it's like I were it would be hard I can understand.
Especially listen to some of my clients, why it is hard to have or
build on the respect. And just to gently. So like I said, the very
beginning, diverse panel, obviously diverse men, diverse
interests, I would personally tend to see respect a little bit
differently.
Personally, respect needs to be there. From day one, you get the
evidence for why you are respecting me that builds as we as
we continue through the marriage, but you have to respect me from
the jump. If not, you shouldn't have married. And I shouldn't have
married you. Because my vetting process, I shouldn't know that
there was something in you something in you experiences that
are leading you to have a challenge with respecting a man
and respecting authority from a man
I ain't got time for that.
That person I don't have trained in counseling, but I want to be
your husband. And that to me, is checking baggage. I won't carry on
baggage. I'm willing to help with certain things, but that's too
heavy of a load for the direction that I need to go. Right. And each
brother is different. Each brother is different. They come to America
with different things, different aspirations, but respect needs to
be there from the jump. As you live with me see how I move. See
that I fulfill obligations. I live up to my word. I practice my
faith, then you get more of the supporting evidence for why you
respect me from the beginning.
But if you don't respect me from the beginning, then this is gonna
be a short marriage.
But Vanessa, there's two questions for you
Um, in the chat, first is, if you could define respect. And then the
second is, what is the logical perspective to take the most
logical approach to marriage? So the first one define respect, if
you could do that. So a general answer, I would say, for defining
respect is a general answer, I would say would be that your your,
your thinking, your feeling, and your acting, is align is in
alignment with your goals, your values and your purpose. And that
is expressed and how you treat your spouse, and how you treat the
marriage.
That to me, would be respect.
But that also brings apart the question of the mutual
responsibility that you guys have had conversations about goals and
where this marriage is going, what do you want to get out of this?
Right?
So that would be my general right alignment, alignment with goals,
values and purpose. And that, that that should move towards how you
treat your spouse. When there's ever any discrepancy between how
you treat your husband and your goal of how you want to treat your
husband, then there's an issue there, and that needs to be
addressed. What was the other question?
Does that'll have the other one is regarding how to approach
marriage, as you said, from a logical perspective, right. So
taking away emotions from from the kind of decision making and how
you approach with the court and courtship, or whether that's the
actual kind of marriage data that yeah, so you mentioned this, I
think in in brief about being logical in your in your approach.
Yeah. So that I think that's, that's the part of, of having a
modality having something that you, you unless you have some type
of formula by which you assess your thoughts about the marriage,
right, that, to me is logical. I don't I'm not in any way saying
that sisters should numb their emotions, or not have their
emotions, but you have to have some type of way to, to understand
the thoughts that you're having, and the feelings that you're
having, and being able to determine if those thoughts and
emotions are helpful or unhelpful. Meaning do they do they ugly,
aligned with the direction you want to go with your life? Or do
they immobilize you and you're not able to go in the direction
towards your goals, your values and purpose? How do you
systematically
address your thoughts? That to me is being logical, right? It's not
that you gate the emotions. So I have this emotion. Is it
constructive? Is it helpful? And how do you assess that? That's
what I mean by having a system and having a structure, that hence
whatever modality you choose, having a modality that allows you
to have a formula to assess your thinking, your feeling, and your
acting, not just offer the fat or the trend, or how you feel.
There's a few questions. There's, obviously so we'd like to hear
from you as well. But if there's questions for NASA, that the
question is, if if, if you find that this spouse is there on
different pages completely, in terms of understanding modality,
what what's the advice, advice there, this is one of the
questions that was was asked, what is the advice that you find that
these two, I mean, we I mentioned about the pieces, right, the
coalescing, so in respect to modality being completely
different, it feels like you're on two different pages. What's the
advice there? I think there's a difference between marital
dissatisfaction and marital disturbance. Right. And
dissatisfaction for example, as I can be irritated, I can be
annoyed, I can, you know, I can function in this marriage towards
my own goals and the goals of this marriage. Right. But when that
when that is when you're unable to work towards certain goals for
yourself for the marriage and the kids. I think, I think that's when
it becomes problematic, and the children need to be prioritized.
Children need to be prioritized if you're in a situation where in
that you cannot function together in a healthy way in front of your
children. I'm an advocate that you can have a broken home while still
being married.
Right. So the children need to be prioritized, but what what what I
have not found what I have not found is I have not found a
switch.
Majority of the cases I find is that both both people doing the
work learning the modality being sound in it. Typically though
those situations get better.
Times when it's hard for a situation to get better is when
it's one when it's one sided. Only one person is doing the work,
whether it be the brother or or the sister
Right, or they both start doing the work at different times.
Right. But when they're both working on each other, typically
those situations get better. But again, the litmus test, I think,
to answer the question, very concise, were hoping being
concise. Is one priority is to children to the goals of the
marriage, and then your own personal goals. I think yeah, I
think those those three need to be
in the consideration, I hope that answered, does that hurt? Can you
can you hear me? Can you spell Alikum? Can you guys see me? I
just want to jump in here. Just for context in sha Allah because I
think what I'm seeing as I've been having, you know, these podcast
conversations with different people about marriage and even the
other talks that we've had this weekend, there's there are levels
to this. There's the highest level of connection of Eman of you know
reaching your potential as a as a couple as a family as a unit you
know, reaching that that space of synergy you know, where you
understand each other you get each other on the same page you're,
you're moving in the same direction, masha Allah and as a
high level one could say the highest level and we have people
here mashallah who have experienced that who are on their
way to that and who know that this is their reality, Masha, Allah
Tabata Kala, then you have ordinary people, ordinary
relationships, ups and downs. You know, some similarities, some
differences is average. Right. And I know that when I had the
conversations with Maria, for example, we talked a lot about
baselines, and just distilling everything down to the basics.
Yeah, it doesn't have to be that high level for it to be good. Like
you said, it doesn't have to be a perfect marriage for it to be
successful. So you've got that middle range. And I think a lot of
sisters find themselves in that middle range. And then you've got
the base, you know, the lowest level where there's toxicity,
there's abuse, there's, you know, there's violence, you know, they
can gang and you will know about those scenarios as well. And I
think, what I'd like to remind everybody as we listen to these
brothers, and we listen to the sisters and we hear about these
different
mindsets, when it comes to our marriages, is take what makes
sense for your situation. Because while there is a lot to aim for
mashallah, in the highest levels, and we know people who live that
mashallah Tabata Kala, we have living examples. We also have
examples of people who, it's not that high level, you know, it's
not everybody on their peak state and everybody at their peak
performance. It's like more like brother Marwa was saying, forget
about that. Forget about this. Forget about that. Like what's
important focus on what's important, like get, really get
rid, strip it down to the basics, strip it down to the basics of why
you're together, what this work is all about. And can you make it
happen because I know that I'm watching the chats I'm reading.
And I know that when we hear about these high level conversations,
these high level relationships, on the one hand is can be very
inspiring. But for a woman whose husband, for example, is not
listening to those conversations, who does not want to have those
conversations. He's just an ordinary guy. He's just an average
guy is doing his best, his his fallible, he makes mistakes, but
he's there for her right? Those sisters also mustn't look at their
husband and say, Why can't you be more like that, I want us to have
a relationship like they do or like they do, because then we're
falling into the same trap as what there is kind of on social media
and everything. So I think having this variety of brothers here, I
hope in sha Allah, that system
does hear this and understand that it can be good at any of these
levels, as long as you're trying. It can be a worthwhile marriage at
any of these levels, as long as you're trying for the sake of
Allah. If you're trying for the sake of Allah, it will never be
lost. It will never be lost even if you know mashallah you don't
have a brother side who does the cooking for example, you know,
even if, even if you don't have a brother Nasser who is like, you
know, strict vegan and eat clean and you know, keeps everything in
shape, you know, even if you don't have any of these examples in your
life. If you have someone like brother, or are we I was saying
who, you know, at the end of the day, you guys are in it together.
You're a team. It's not perfect, but you know what you're doing
together and you know the purpose and you can make it work, then
please sisters don't feel like you're missing out or like, don't
start wishing that you had a different situation. The whole
point of this
whole conference was for you to be able to see the good in what you
have to cherish the good in what you have, and maybe even look at
that man differently and start to see the baraka that is coming
through him and be grateful to Allah subhanaw taala because of
this man that has put in your life, who, for most of us, he's
just an average guy. And that's okay. So I just wanted to kind of
insert that in there in sha Allah to give some context. But yeah, we
can we can shuffle around up. And so we've got some more questions,
Mohammed.
I just wanted to add, I just wanted to add a little bit to what
Brother Nasser said, and brother, why we have said, and also what
you said, Sister Neymar.
Yes, I've been married 30 years. But like, we've told you so many
times. For those first six years, we didn't think we're going to
pull it through, we didn't think we're going to make it. And when
we talk about modalities,
about what they should be. I mean, we all want to be in a
relationship where we protect and look out for each other's
interests, emotionally placed an environment emotionally and
physically safe. Together, build a nurturing, loving and safe home,
and a climate and culture where each thrives and achieves the
highest calling.
It's not a marriage is like building a home. I think the most
important thing is if the foundation is solid, then you keep
working on it. Like where are we I said there's no perfect marriage.
After 30 years of marriage system, I'ma marry him and I are still a
work in progress. We have our rough days, we have, you know, you
know, sad days, we have our down days. But what we have set our
mind is when we're the NASA said, What do you want to get out of it.
And once the two of you understand that, and you know, you're in it
for life, you're committed in this relationship for life. You work on
it, both of you, knowing each one of you isn't perfect. Each one of
you is fallible. I think the most important thing, whether it's an
average, we're not talking about the toxic, the violent marriages.
But there was a time in our marriage. When I was average, I'm
not you know, I was the one of those guys you're talking about.
But Maryam had the key. She just one day sat down and said, Please
tell me what it is. I'm doing wrong that you don't like what did
it what is it that I'm doing right that you like me to continue on?
What is it I'm not doing that you'd like me to start doing? That
was profound. The only thing she said, I beg you, please be kind
and merciful. In your criticism.
Now, I felt good
at the beginning of dispensing that information. But towards the
end of it, I felt really nervous because I felt it is only fair to
give her the same
opportunity to critique me the same way. Now, once we started
doing that system,
it has continued, it hasn't stopped. Because we know we're not
perfect. So both of us are working towards improving ourselves. So
even the average Joe that we're talking about,
if the is 1015 20 25% good in this person, believe you me in time,
together in partnership with his wife, they can raise themselves to
7080 90, even 99% If Allah wills so I'm not saying take it as it is
No, try your best to work on improving it. Because that's what
life is all about. We're all on a quest
to try as Muslims to emulate Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam
as best as we can. It's a continuous quest, we will do this
till we die and we may not attain perfection, nobody will actually
attain perfection till we die. And we know it is out of Allah's Rama
that we get to go to Jannah now because of the work the deeds and
so on, so forth. So when you have that in mind, and you have someone
who gives you pleasure who gives you peace who give brings smiles
on your face, who puts food in your mouth and so on as a partner,
whether it is the husband earning or
It is the way of cooking and maintaining the household, you owe
it to one another to see how best you can improve this relationship.
You just don't give up, not the husband, not the wife. So this
message is to everybody, men and women,
you don't bring you don't have a relationship with someone that you
want to hate, or despise, or disrespect. When we keep talking
about respect, it is a write of both husbands and wives, each one
is obligated to give the other respect. But like I said earlier,
do you earn the respect? Have you earned the respect? So please,
I am disagreed a little bit with you Sinema that No, you shouldn't
just accept status quo. I mean things as they are, work on it
until the spouse, I want us to be better. What can I do to be better
tell me very rarely, very rarely will a human being be given that
opportunity and not reflect and say, Well, perhaps I should ask
her to what do I need to do to be better? Thank you
Allah, Allah co located the planet, I'm blown away really by
everything that's been shared today. And also all the comments
in the VIP lounge and in YouTube. And I think if you know, it was
possible, we could probably stay until Fudger just answering
questions because so many questions have come in. So maybe
Inshallah, if you're gracious enough to grant us another
audience, maybe after this, we will be able to just do a live q&a
And just go live on YouTube and just, you know, just just answer
sister's questions. I'm very, very pleased. There is a big call for a
message from Brother Nasir. I don't know whether you want to do
that now or you want to do on your Instagram to get people to go over
there and actually follow you on Instagram and go live but they
said that there's a message for sisters who are 40 Plus, should we
send them to Instagram or do you want to give them what they're
waiting for now? The gentleman the gentleman in me is gonna say I'm
gonna follow your lead and I guess we'll go to Instagram
mashallah guys Instagram, Nasser al Amin, it's it just search that
up, it will come and maybe in within half an hour, the brother
will be there on Instagram to give you the message that you're all
waiting for. So do not delay get over there inshallah to Allah. My
dear brothers and sisters, it is time for us to wrap up. It's been
an amazing three days Mashallah. And I'm so so humbled and and
grateful for the opportunity to to host something like this, to sit
in on these conversations to be a part of these conversations. As I
said before, Charla this is just the beginning of these
conversations. Hamdulillah we launched marriage conversation
with Naima B Robert yesterday with our interviews, Mufti Menk and we
have my sister Maryam Lemoore and her dear husband, and in the next
episode which launches next week Inshallah, rather than where are
we at? He's got an episode brother now sir has an episode Brother
Mohammed is coming, and many other sisters and brothers as well Masha
Allah, who you know, are sharing really just honest, open thoughts
about all things to do with marriage. So with that, this
brings us to the end Subhanallah of our time together, but
inshallah it's only the beginning. So I want to thank every single
one of you. Firstly, I thank Allah subhanaw taala for making this
possible. I thank all of the speakers that I'm privileged to
know and that when I ask them for things, they say, yes,
that's about a koala, and all of you who were given this
opportunity and seized it with both hands and made the most of
this experience. MashAllah Tabata Kala, not to mention thanking my
team who have been running around like crazy. And also my poor
children who have not had a mother or weekend. So may Allah bless
them and reward them with the very best of spouses and may He bless
every single one of you in your marriages. And may He bless you
with beautiful, healthy believing children who then go to marry
beautiful believing healthy adults and then have more children as
brother Maria said, an obscene number of children. You have to
catch his episode to hear him talking about that and inshallah
May you all live, to break the fast with your grandchildren. And
may we have we may we be a means for hair for those around us and
for our families and for extended families and for generations
coming forward. Please Allah make this a witness for us and not
against us accept this from us and have mercy on us. Subhanak
Allahumma Robert O'Brien
Take a shadow hola hola hola and we're stuff to look at one or two
boy like my salaam aleikum Wa alaykum