Naima B. Robert – Secrets of Successful Wives conference How to be a wife @MARYAMSHEIKHLEMU
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AI: Transcript ©
Assalamu Alaikum, Ahmed alaihi wa Barakatuhu everyone.
I am so excited to be a part
of this amazing event put together by Sister
Naima Roberts for the next 3 days. It
is a pleasure. It is a delight.
I am undercover as usual. I'm actually a
student here to learn
and grow from the wisdom
and knowledge of all the wonderful speakers that
she has put together. Naima, I don't know
how you pull this off but Allah has
blessed you. Everyone is always ready to show
up for your events. So
I am the first
speaker. I'm really excited. Of course, the spotlight
is on me and I hope I set
the tone for the rest of the days.
Insha'Allah.
I am gonna be talking about how to
be
an awesome wife. Now I know my topic
may rub some people the wrong way, but
hang in there before you shut your cameras
or shut your phones off. I know some
are saying, well, what about how to be
an awesome husband? Right? Give me a thumbs
up if you're thinking that way. I know
some people DM'd me actually saying, when are
you gonna have one for the husbands?
Don't worry.
Hang in there. I got you covered inshallah.
And sister Naima
and I are planning something really great for
you very soon. I see the thumbs up.
Hey, Shakira.
Well,
first of all, let me just clarify certain
things.
Marriage is about both parties putting in, both
spouses contributing,
and both spouses making an effort to make
the marriage work, and support
each other, and satisfy each other's needs,
wants, and fantasies.
All this is in addition to doing what
Allah expects of us, of course, in marriage,
the reason why he prescribed marriage for us
in the first place. It was never meant
to be one-sided. No. Marriage is not about
the wife putting in all the effort,
looking good, raising the kids, becoming a glorified
housemaid,
in addition,
bearing burdens
that she's not meant to bear. Obviously, that
is a reality in many homes today, while
the husband just sits there, freeloads and lords
over his wife or his
wives. This isn't marriage.
Actually, it's un Islamic
because the best of models, Rasoolullah
didn't do marriage that way, and his example
is the one we're meant to emulate.
I pray that if this is your reality,
I pray you are watching this as a
couple
Insha'Allah
and you show up with an open mind.
Because if things are not going well in
your relationship based on
my 30 years of marriage
and over 20 years of counseling couples with
my husband,
the chances are either 1 or both of
you are not playing your part or one
or the other is dropping the ball.
And if you really want things to get
better, I'm not saying it's not good right
now because for some who joined us, their
marriage may be great and they just came
to show up to learn more things.
Alhamdulillah.
However, your marriage may be on the rocks
and you have reached the end of your
rope. Then I ask you to please come
with an open mind, open your heart and
give what I have to share with you
a chance Insha'Allah.
What have you got to lose? Right? Your
presence here today is not by accident.
You showed up for a reason.
Now everything I have to say about my
topic is two sides of the same coin.
So what applies to one gender? Of course,
the wife also
applies to the husband, because each one has
his or her own role. But you both
have to be very intentional.
You both, like sister Naima just talked about
being intentional,
you both have to show up. You both
have a unique role to play in your
relationship
and both have to be very deliberate
in making
be
if you don't want your marriage to succeed
or thrive, then why are you in a
relationship? If you're not ready to put in
the effort
and
try new ways of making it work, why
are you in that relationship?
Because marriage can be such a beautiful thing
if you get it right. What I'm sharing
with you are things that I have picked
up from my own research
on marriage
and our experience from counseling couples for over
the past 20 years and the best practices
that have helped my husband and I develop
and nurture the beautiful relationship
that we've shared for the past 30 years,
Alhamdulillah.
Now let me emphasize something.
Today, Alhamdulillah,
my husband shows up. Yes. He plays his
role fully as a husband, as a father,
and as the leader of our home. And
he is 110%
committed
and very present and deliberate in how our
relationship and how our marriage is running. He
fulfills his obligations to me under Sharia,
which has earned him, of course, the utmost
respect in my eyes.
But
it didn't all start that way. Oh boy,
no. I've shared this story with so many
before. And for those who are new and
haven't heard me talk before, I'll be very
brief but just to give you a little
preamble.
You'll need to fasten your seat belts for
this one because I was a piece of
work. In fact, I was a handful, if
I may say so myself.
I wasn't good at fighting,
because I didn't grow up seeing my parents
fight. I didn't see them argue, quarrel or
have a misunderstanding
in my presence.
So I grew up seeing such a beautiful
relationship. And, honestly,
I went into marriage at the age of
18
very naive.
I didn't know that couple's fight.
Yes.
When we had our first fight, my husband
and I, I was really confused. I was
thrown off.
I was a bumbling idiot, if I may
use that word, because I just shot in
the dark, you know, in all directions using
my greatest weapon of mass destruction, my mouth.
When I was upset, I was unfiltered and
unhinged.
I said whatever came to my mind,
and most of them were not pleasant. I
was determined to, unfortunately,
inflict maximum
pain and damage.
When I was hurting,
I didn't want to hurt alone. So if
I'm going down, you're going down with me.
When he was upset, when my husband Saeed
was upset, oh boy, that's another ballgame. He
would shut down, he would brood
and bottle things up and become more like
a pressure
cooker. And then when he explodes,
boom. Yeah. Sister Naima mentioned the word boom.
I swear I just thought of my saeed.
Now I focused more on pointing fingers at
fault finding.
Little did I know then that the more
I focused on negatives, the more those negatives
would grow, that whatever we focus on is
what will grow. And, you know, sister Naima
mentioned that. If you focus on the good,
actually, that's what will grow. But you focus
on the negative, which is what I did,
oh my goodness. So the more I focused
on Saeed's negatives, his mistakes, his shortcomings,
of course, the more they grew. We were
both not happy, and we were driving each
other crazy. And when she described how you
sometimes want to just strangle or hurt your
partner and use bleep bleep words to describe,
oh, yeah. We both felt that way.
I started to grow resentful.
I started to lose myself in
my frustration.
I started to become very selfish and self
centered because if things aren't going to work
out oh well, let me take care of
me. So I focused on what brought me
happy, what happiness, what brought me joy, regardless
of whether, Sayid, was okay or whether he
was happy.
I allowed myself, if I may actually say
this, that once I look back, I actually
allowed myself to become ugly,
ugly in character.
I lost myself in my frustrations and misery
because my marriage wasn't working and things
continued like this for about 6 years.
Please give me a thumbs up if what
I'm saying sounds familiar in any way and
I hope I'm not alone. Right?
Don't make me feel worse. I know I
was a piece of work. Alright. God bless
you. I see thumbs up coming.
Thank you very much for supporters club. Alright.
Oh,
thank you. Somebody said, oh, I'm sorry. Yeah.
I'm sorry too. I really was a piece
of work.
But my husband and I had both reached
rock bottom for 6 years.
We just continued this way. And at that
point,
I actually
felt like giving up on the marriage and
divorce was on my mind.
My husband, surprisingly,
even though he was unhappy, he never considered
divorce as an option. And I found this
very interesting, but thank goodness he was far
more mature than I was and far more
sensible than I was. But it wasn't until
one day my husband told me he didn't
look forward to coming home to me. Ouch.
Like, that really hurt.
It was a wake up call because all
this time, I felt it was all about
him. He was the problem. And then he
says, Mariam, I don't look forward to coming
home to you.
I start to feel anxious when I'm heading
back to you. I'm not kidding you, at
first it was like, what?
Me? But you're the problem, like look at
me, you know.
But it forced me
to sit down and reflect on why we
got married in the 1st place 1st place.
Like, what was I hoping for?
What were my expectations
of marriage? And that are is this what
I thought marriage would be? You know, why
are we together?
And I had really
reached a stage where my introspect led me
to ask a very critical question.
Had I really tried my best to make
the relationship work?
Yes.
Had I played my part, had I played
my role fully as a wife,
I realized that prior to that, it never
even crossed my mind. I never gave it
one thought whether I was showing up. The
trouble was
things got so bad that I didn't recognize
my husband anymore, you know.
He had changed so much. You know? The
hunker chunk of burning love that I fell
in love with, who was telling me sweet
nothings,
and I thought the sun would rise and
set and he'd be looking into my eyes,
he just disappeared.
All of a sudden, an alien took over
And all I had is this guy who
would be brooding, scowling at me almost all
the time.
Again, give me a thumbs up if that
sounds like what you've experienced
in your home.
Latifa, I'm dead serious. This really happened.
But if you didn't recognize or you yes.
Yes. Yes. Alright.
I'm not alone. Oh, gosh. I love these
supporters club.
Absolutely. There comes a stage where you no
longer recognize the man you fell in love
with and vice versa.
So I started to think about this, that
if the man I fell in love with
had disappeared, where did he go?
Right? Did he disappear or did I chase
him away with my attitude,
my bad habits, and my negativity?
And always fault finding, always blaming. There must
be a reason. I don't think he just
doesn't want to come home, but there's something
that's stopping him from wanting to be with
me. Because if he didn't look forward to
coming home to me, that means I have
some areas for improvement. And I also had
some faults I needed to identify,
recognize,
and work on.
And the answer to my question was no.
I wasn't really showing up as a wife,
but I'd like you to take a minute
and ask yourself these same questions.
And feel free to put in the chat
box what you believe is the best answer.
And let's be honest here. Right? We're in
a safe space.
Were were your expectations of marriage the same
as your reality? That's the first question.
Were your expectations of marriage the same as
your reality?
Let me see what the comments look like.
Oh, no. A big fat no. Heck no.
No. No. No.
Alright. Here we go. Alright. Calm down. The
next question.
Are you really doing your best or is
there any room for improvement?
Do you believe you are showing up? Have
you played your part, your role fully as
a wife? Again, please share with us.
All right. Someone says, I'm not married but
this is freaking me out. Don't worry, I
got you covered as well. Don't go anywhere,
I promise you.
Many times I have tried, but oh, no.
Someone says absolutely not. My goodness. The comments
are coming in so fast.
Alright.
Excellent.
And then the based on your feed, what
your you think it is, would your husband
agree to the answers you've written?
That you are showing up, you are bringing
your a game. Would your husband agree?
Have you ever asked him or is it
your assumption that he would agree? Yes. Yes.
Not sure. I love your honesty, guys. You
are amazing.
Now it wasn't always like this for me.
Let me continue and share with me. Yes,
but he lost himself.
Maybe he didn't lose himself, girl. There's a
possibility.
You may have had something to do with
it. I would ask you to do a
bit more homework on that, but we'll come
back to you. Now, for my husband and
I, things were not always like this.
I wasn't always oh, for me, I should
say, I wasn't always into this introspecting,
you know, self awareness. It took me a
long time to get to where I am
today and to be able to own it
and take full responsibility
for what I did or did not do
to make the relationship work or fail.
But I say I'm a work in progress.
Yes. Hashtag work in progress. And I ask
you to think deeply as well about this.
And trust me on this. It helps a
lot when you start to become more self
aware. And if you are
more self aware than before, please let's comment
and
actually give me a hashtag work in progress
if you feel you are evolving.
You're truly working on your shortcomings. There we
go. Hashtag work in progress. So, yes, I
have company in that, my club, because every
day I believe in growth,
development,
introspect, getting feedback.
Absolutely. I'm working on myself.
I love this. Now you know
one thing I realized
is if I'm not delivering my a game,
I'm playing my part in my role, then
it meant that I'm part of the problem.
And you all know the quote, if you're
not part of a solution, you're part of
the problem. I've taken that quote to another
level. If you're not part of the solution,
you are the problem yourself.
Yes. I often tell couples to reflect and
ask themselves, if your marriage is good
or if your marriage is not, what role
did you play?
Honestly, truthfully,
what role did you play in making it
the way it is? If it's good, how
did you contribute to it being good? And
if it is not, what role did you
play for it to become that way? Or
are you saying you are faultless and everything
is your spouse's fault? Well, come on. I
know that can't be because you know you're
not perfect. Right?
But please don't be like me. I was
the one who felt
everything I did was right and
everything he did was wrong and that didn't
serve me well. But let me just say,
sometimes, a word of caution.
If you feel the relationship is good, it
may be your perception that things are good.
Your spouse may be the one actually putting
in all the effort, all the work. All
the while, they're miserable.
Well, you are happy. You are content because
things are serving you. You may have
seen,
you know, and this is something my husband
and I experience that we share this, where
we we speak to couples and we ask
them. You know? And you hear one spouse
say, oh, everything
is going well. You know? I'm happy. I'm
So
we
So we have seen this happen over and
over again and sometimes we're the ones who
are perceiving it that way, but that is
not the reality.
It's so important you know the difference. I
tell couples it's about the beholder. It's not
all about your perception.
You may intend one thing, but it's perceived
by your spouse as something totally different by
the beholder, and you may need to adjust
or modify what you're doing to satisfy them.
Again, let me ask,
why are you together if you're not ready
to adjust and satisfy your spouse's needs?
Now one thing I know for sure, if
we are both unhappy, then it means
something is wrong somewhere.
But we need to start by fixing ourselves
first, by looking in the mirror. People in
glass houses don't throw stones.
I had to learn to start asking for
feedback
and looking in the mirror. And, Wallahi, this
was the turning point that transformed our relationship
completely.
One day, I sat my husband down where
our when our marriage had reached drop bottom
in that 6th year where I thought
I would be going back home.
You know, I sat him down and I
asked him to give me honest feedback since
he didn't wanna come home to me. Let
me find out why. So I first said,
Sayed, tell me what it is about me
that you like that you want me to
continue.
Tell me what you don't like that you
want me to stop, my bad habits, the
things that irritate you, and then tell me
the new things you want me to start
doing.
Why?
You got it. Because he's the beholder.
And this made a world of difference. Alhamdulillah
for me, Saeed asked me to do the
same for him, to give him feedback as
well.
Now this exercise, let me give a word
of caution, wasn't easy at all. It requires
a lot of maturity
and I didn't have much of that, to
be very honest with you, but I'm far
better now. It was a work in pro
I was a work in progress.
But it takes a lot of courage to
sit down and ask for feedback.
And for the first time in my life,
I kept my big mouth shut and took
down notes, and
I made an effort to seek to truly
understand
before just giving a response or arguing or
interrupting like I used to. It takes a
lot of strength to muster up the humility
to accept constructive feedback in good faith.
And hang one's ego outside and not let
Chetan make you lose focus of what you're
trying to achieve.
As time went by, I started to develop
a better mindset,
and I call it an in this for
life mindset. If you in my house, I
have plaques all over the wall. I have
many everywhere that says, and they lived happily
ever after. And it's just a constant reminder
that I love that tells me I'm in
this for life.
I then promised myself that out was no
longer an option, and I was ready to
fight,
to fight to make my marriage work, to
be the best spouse I possibly could be,
the one my husband would look forward to
coming home to. That meant that I needed
to focus on me. And this time, my
me wasn't the selfish one. My me was
for us and we, because if I focused
on me and he focused on him, right,
Insha'Allah,
we would be all right.
And please give me a thumbs up if
what I'm saying so far sounds doable. Does
this sound like something you're willing to try
or you think, you know what? I'm willing
to give it a shot. This feedback thing.
Oh, may Allah bless you, Doctor Samira. Awesome.
Thank you. Latifa, all you're doing is just
smiling away. Thumbs up. Lots of thumbs up.
Great.
I love it. Aisha Haruna. Thank you.
And then,
after you've given me the the samba that
you've agreed is doable, please share.
What would you like to try out now?
What do you think, you know what, I
can do this with my spouse? Because you
know sister Naimar ended the previous session by
telling you what to even send your spouse.
Send a good message. Send,
tell them something good. What do you believe
you can start now? I'm too sensitive. Alright?
Don't know if I'll be open to that
now. You have to develop a thick skin.
My sister, you have to develop a thicker
skin and be ready to embrace that you're
not perfect,
but your relationship is worth it and worth
fighting for. But I'll get back to comments
and q and a's later Insha'Allah.
But please start setting goals as we are
talking right now. I had to start doing
my own homework in addition to addressing the
concerns that Saeed had raised with me. I
had to start working on my bad habits
and polishing my nafs because I knew I
had to sharpen my new good habits and
adopt new ones and improve on those that
he liked. And I wanted to develop new
things to freshen up and spice up the
relationship and bring those the make the flame
burn again. And trust me, 30 years down
the line, it is still possible to do
that.
Yes.
And I remember that question that I had
to ask myself.
Had I played my part and played my
role fully as a wife?
Well, the the answer to that question
needed me
to know what qualities does a good wife
need.
Now in this new chapter, on this new
journey I was on, I have to share
a little bit of a background of mine.
I started to become God conscious. Prior to
that, I went through a period of about
5 to 6 years, and it's a story
for another day, where I had actually stopped
praying. And my husband didn't even know I
wasn't praying. I pretended.
I know it was really pathetic, but I
started to discover Islam on my own terms.
And Alhamdulillah,
during this new journey,
this new evolution,
I wanted to know what it would take
to please my maker. So part of my
homework involved
learning what Allah wanted from us as a
couple
and from me as a wife. And that's
when I learned that when we got married,
our covenant wasn't just with each other. We
invited Allah to be a witness of this
contract
and that it's not just about us coming
together just because we love each other or
we want to pop kids like rabbits. No.
But that we
are going to have to be bound by
certain rules of being married and certain guidelines
set by Allah. Now this is really important
and serious stuff I wanna emphasize. He has
given us rights, but he's also given us
responsibilities,
certain do's and don'ts as well. And we
must.
We must. It's not an option. Once we
go into marriage,
then we must fulfill our responsibilities
to one another because we will answer to
Allah for it. And this was the biggest
moment for me when I discovered and I
understood this better. Years later, when I got
into marriage counseling,
I discovered that many couples
don't know what Allah wants from them, what
Allah's expectation is of them in marriage, what
he requires from us, and that they have
rights over one another, but they also have
obligations.
But the
moment for me, what I discovered was if
we fulfill
our obligations to one another,
right there you have the foundation for a
happy form, a peaceful you know, peace of
mind, true happiness.
Now let me quickly ask and give me
a thumbs up if you know your rights
and obligations
the rights and obligations of couples and a
thumbs down if you don't. Just give me
a quick thumbs up or thumbs down. If
you know your rights, thumbs up. If you
don't, give me a thumbs down. Under Sharia.
Alright.
Alhamdulillah.
This is great. Somebody said in the middle.
Nadia.
Alright. Not clearly.
Alright. Abida said thumbs down. I got you
covered, sis. Don't worry. Alhamdulillah. I created a
pamphlet and I'll be sharing it with you
inshallah at the end.
And remind me if I forget, but it's
about the rights and responsibilities
of couples in Islam. And I put together
a group, my husband,
some scholars, alhamdulillah, my brother,
to help me edit it and make sure
it is as concise as possible. Now you
see something I learned that was parts of
the requirement of our faith is that we
pursue
personal mastery
sallam says, whatever a Muslim does, he should
do it with itkam, with excellence,
and with ihsan, with perfection as well.
As Muslims, we are meant to be intentional.
We are meant to be deliberate. We are
meant to live this life with purpose
and push ourselves. You know, Rasoolullah
said, he whose two days are equal in
accomplishment
is a sure loser.
If your yesterday is the same as today,
Rasool
Allah says you're a sure loser. So each
day, we are meant to push. Each day
we're meant to grow and add value, and
the best amongst us are those who are
the most useful. And to be the best,
it means we have to polish ourselves in
all aspects of our lives. We're meant to
live life with the spiritual
mission
to live it with ihsan, excellence, and with
i'tgan.
So if I am going to be get
rewarded for something, then I should do it
in a way that is most benefiting of
a servant of Allah. Do it knowing that
I'm a representative of Allah. I'm a Khalifa,
his ambassador.
Imagine every time we do something,
by constantly reminding ourselves that we are ambassadors
of Allah, of course, we're going to do
it to the best of our ability because
we want to represent him well. So I
had to reflect on and ask myself
if in all aspects of my life, am
I being the best agent of Allah, am
I being the best extension,
the best personification
of Allah's attributes?
My thoughts,
in my words, in my actions, in the
company I keep, in how I treat people?
Am I representing Allah well?
Now think about this deeply and I want
you to reflect on this. For me, it
pushed me to up my game in every
aspect of my life. I became more competitive
to compete and outdo myself, to outdo my
yesterday,
which includes my marriage.
So also our ibadah, our prayer, our zakat,
our fast, everything, our tzedakah, we're meant to
do it with ihsan and itkan.
All should be intentional, all should be deliberate
and done with perfection as well. Why? Because
we please our maker, we get rewarded for
it.
Now, we all know that marriage is an
act of Ibadah, right? And yes, fulfilling our
obligations to our spouse is fulfilling half of
our faith. Imagine this,
our prayers do not constitute half of our
Ibadah.
Our fast does not constitute half of our
Ibadah,
neither does Hajj, neither does Zakat,
but fulfilling
our obligations
to our spouse fulfills half of our ibada.
Yet this is what folks are messing with.
This is where some are finding themselves miserable,
broken, abused, and trapped. This is where you
find there's infidelity
and nightmares are made.
This is an area where many of us
need to reflect on.
Most take their prayers, their fuss more seriously
than their marriage.
They do their homework to make sure they
get their ablution right. They do research to
make sure they don't mess up their ablution.
They make sure they get the rituals right,
but ignore
the rituals of marriage.
Imagine that. It is so disturbing to me.
I realize that I
that it is imperative that I practice my
marriage, I perfect my marriage, I aim for
excellence in my marriage the way I would
my prayers, my fasts, my Hajj and so
on. I needed to do my marriage with
the kind of meticulousness
that an act done to please Allah deserves.
I was on a mission to be a
master
at making my marriage not only work but
thrive,
insha'Allah,
especially since I get rewarded for it. And
an added bonus is it'll bring me peace
of mind, true happiness and contentment.
What else could a girl wish for? Right?
Alhamdulillah.
In the area of fulfilling obligations, alhamdulillah,
my husband
is way ahead of me. So as a
wife, I needed to upgrade myself and evolve
and up my game and add to whatever
I was already doing
because I needed to be way, way better
than what I was at the time. So
I started to do more homework, reading more,
studying more, taking courses, online courses, watching YouTube
videos, etcetera.
What were my biggest weaknesses was I didn't
know how to fight. So I watched and
I read on conflict resolution,
effective communication, effective listening.
I kept working on all the areas that
my husband had identified
were my shortcomings
because he's the beholder. Right? So I kept
asking the beholder, what else are your fantasies?
Then I do my homework in those areas.
What fun stuff do you want us to
start?
Because
boredom is a recipe for disaster in marriage,
and I needed to make sure that we
had fresh running water in the marriage constantly.
Every 3 to 4 months, my husband and
I would actually ask each other, how can
I make you happier?
And I learned also in my research how
to deposit
in his emotional bank account. If you've not
read the have the book 7 Habits of
Highly Effective Families, I highly encourage you to.
You'll learn about depositing in the emotional bank
account there. And then,
my husband, alhamdulillah,
does the same. Some do what they enjoy.
I need to express this and explain this.
Some do what brings them pleasure, whereas the
beholder may not enjoy, but you think it's
like the best thing in the world. Like,
I'm actually ticklish, but my husband loves massages.
So he gives me a massage, like, maybe
as a signal that I should massage him,
whereas I hate massages.
So it's quite interesting that what he is
doing is because he loves it so much,
it brings him so much pleasure. Whereas I'm
he's not depositing in the right currency
and vice versa. So you need to know
also
what is your spouse's love language. Another book
that really transformed
how we related with one another is Gary
Chapman's 5 Love Languages.
Learn to speak your spouse's love language.
I also learned how to feed his spirit,
how to become his biggest cheerleader, in other
words, the captain of his supporters club.
What this all does let me quickly wrap
up. What this all does
is, number 1, it prevents the risk of
him seeking fulfillment elsewhere.
When you are your spouse's biggest cheerleader, you're
the one validating them. You appreciate
the littlest things they do. You make them
feel they matter. They are worth it. I
promise you, InshaAllah, your spouse will not only
want to, they'll be dying to come home
to you because you are such a wonderful
person to be around. You feed a human
need.
Alhamdulillah,
all these things that I'm sharing with you
is mutual. Like I told you, it's two
sides of the same coin. We both do
this. We both learn together,
and we still do.
Everyone though is their own work in progress.
We're each working on what we know are
our shortcomings.
But by this time, I was back to
praying fully, alhamdulillah,
and I was a more intentional Muslim.
So we do acts of Ibadah together. I
really believe in that quote, families that pray
than hearing your spouse pray for you and
you do the same for them. Pray for
their good health, pray for their well-being,
pray for
success in every aspect of their life. Wallahi,
it brings you closer together. And we got
that in the habit of doing it when
the children came. We still do it together.
And he invites me to join him on
the Monday, Thursday fast,
and I I need a push in that
area. So he does his best to coax
me and encourage me and so on.
I'm a work in progress.
And
I invite him to join me
in acts of charity that I do. We
study the deen together. He sees quotes. He
reads aloud. He shares with me and vice
versa.
And we talk and do more research on
how Rassoulullah salallahu alaihi wasalam
lived and interacted with his wife
is I needed
to persevere.
I was somebody who gave up easily or
expected results without effort. I needed more grit,
and not give up so easily. I needed
more suburb, but I need to qualify this
suburb thing because,
like in our culture here in Nigeria,
most often when you're getting married, you're told
you gotta be patient. You gotta be patient.
But I need to clarify. Subur for me
is patience to see the results.
Persevere to see the results. Don't be in
a good for nothing going nowhere relationship and
you just are patient. While you're being broken
you lose yourself. No. No. No. That's not
what I'm talking about. Patient to see the
results when both of you are making an
effort.
There cannot be sober when it's a one
way street, when only one is putting in
while the other one keeps taking out.
I also learned that marriage is about both
being committed to what it takes to evolve
and grow and be committed to learning and
applying
what is called for in marriage. Again, push
for ihsan and itgan.
Today, we are constantly asking each other, in
addition to how can I make you happier,
my husband may sometimes ask me, Mariam, what
am I owing you? Why? Because
I could go before Allah and say he
didn't fulfill certain rights
or certain obligations to me. So we both
want to stay on our toes and make
sure that the beholder
is not feeling cheated.
This opens the door wide for feedback, for
personal evolution
and mutual fulfillment, Insha'Allah.
30 years down the line, and I think
Sister Naima
alluded to this just before I took over,
we do not take each other for granted.
We do not take this relationship for granted.
Yes, we know we worked hard, we fought
to make it what it is, but we're
not in cruise control mode. We're constantly putting
in and, as Allah says in Suratul Ra,
he won't change our condition unless we change
what lies within us. So what lies within
you that you need to change, you need
to upgrade, you need to remove?
If things are going good in your relationship,
sit and have a deep discussion with your
partner, your partner in faith and your partner
for life, insha'Allah,
and create new plans to make things even
better. How can I make you happier
and add to what you're already doing that's
working for you? But if your marriage is
not going well,
your presence here today is not an accident.
It is Allah that guided you here.
Many listen to lecture upon lecture and that's
where it stops. I often say there is
no miracle lecture that will fix your marriage,
no special du'a or fast or prayer that
you will do that will fix your marriage
if you're both not ready to come to
the table to work on yourselves, work on
each other and fix and face those problems
head on. It's about application
and implementation.
Allah does not give you a burden greater
than you can handle. I can't believe sister
Naima Rawat said so many things I was
gonna say, and this is the truth. You
are carrying a burden. When your marriage isn't
going well, honestly, you feel the whole world
is cut from tumbling around you. You are
not able to bring your a game to
your work, to almost all aspects of your
life. But remember, however heavy the load may
be,
Allah's got your back and you know
he knows you got this because he will
not give you a burden greater than you
can can handle. And Insha'Allah,
after hardship will come ease. So have an
open mind and try something new.
Work on you first. Be intentional.
And sit and talk and ask for honest
feedback.
Don't give up on your dreams of having
a beautiful love story.
They still exist.
I promise you, I am living the best
love story I couldn't even imagine from any
of the books my mother read me as
a child.
We created our own unique story. We don't
compare it to Cinderella or whoever it is
out there. We made our own
and I am not perfect and neither is
he, but, wallahi, we feel we are perfect
for each other. And I tell him, Allah
created you.
Allah created
every bit and every inch of you just
for me.
May Allah bless you all. Thank you so
much for joining me,
for the first session. Sister Naima Roberts, may
Allah bless you. For everybody watching, those who
are married, those who are not yet married,
Insha'Allah,
may Allah bless your unions. May Allah strengthen
the bonds between you and your spouse. May
your spouse be your witness
in the sight of Allah, and may they
be your path to Jannah, Insha'Allah.
For anyone who may have been offended by
whatever I say, I ask you to please
forgive me. That was not my intention.
And then you can visit my website, mariamleimudot
com, where I have a lot of things
related to family,
parenting and marriage, spirituality,
and premarital stuff Insha'Allah.
Sister Naima, I love you so much.
Over and out from me.
Thank you so much, sister Mariam Lemo.
Always wonderful to hear from you, and as
you can see in the chat
and on YouTube,
thank you so much in YouTube. We've got
over a 1000 people watching.
So
really, really pleased, and the audience is really
resonating with what you're saying. And I think
just already already,
but already
so
so many paradigm shifts. Right? Guys, give me
a yes in the comments in the chat
if
you feel that maybe, just maybe,
something you heard today
could actually change the trajectory of your journey.
And, sis, Mariam, you know,
as I was saying earlier before you came
on,
this idea
of going through the hurdles, like going through
the hardship and persevering
in order to get to the ease that
Allah
promises on the other end. And I think,
you know, I I've always said this that,
you know, your story is a is a
wonderful example of that in real life. And
may Allah preserve you, protect you,
and give everybody who's here
their own version
of a love story. Right?
Where, you know, like you said,
none of us are perfect.
Not a single one of us is perfect,
but it could be
that there is a way that we can
be perfect for each other and that we
can
make the commitment
and do the work and the adjustment
needed in order to be able to be
each other's garments.
People,
it's a garment thing.
It's a garment thing.
It is.
Absolutely.
Absolutely, sis. And that's it. We are shields
for one another, protectors of one another. A
cloak, you know, a garment keeps you warm,
keeps you safe, you know, protects you. We
are all that for one another. Absolutely. I
love what you just said.
And, of course, we know this from, you
know, from the Quran, but as you said
about the garment, you know, it's that fitting,
isn't it? It's that fitting together. And sometimes
it takes some adjustments, some taking in, some
lengthening,
some, you know, some adding some frills here
and there, but, you know, still, inshallah, the
garment. Okay. So we've got another 10 minutes,
so maybe we can take some questions. However,
however,
there's a caveat.
Sisters, when you put your questions in the
q and a, we've got VIPs in here.
The VIP room is full.
140
people,
VIPs in this room.
Those of you who have not upgraded to
VIP, you may wanna check your email and
upgrade so you can be in the room
here.
But I've only got one question in here.
However,
please put your questions in the q and
a, but please ask questions about what was
discussed today
and not a what if question
or a question that is related to your
personal situation, which actually requires
someone of knowledge to sit down and hear
the full story. So Damadian, do you agree
that we should have that as a caveat?
Absolutely.
Absolutely. I think that's fine. Yeah.
Okay. So I'm gonna ask you this. I'm
gonna give everyone a chance to get the
answer to this question because,
it's come up popped up so many different
times. Okay? So the basis of the question
is what do you do if you want
to work on yourself and want to work
on the marriage but your husband
for whatever reason
cannot
or will not
do work on himself.
What can we do? What would you say?
Great question. And this question comes up a
lot.
First, I do insist, start with yourself.
The more beautiful you become, the more you're
attractive you become, then he's got something to
lose, you know.
That's how I see it.
I
and this is a true story. I'm going
to tell you that. Once upon a time,
my husband couldn't stand to be with me.
A few years ago, we were having supper
together. It was just the 2 of us
who were sitting at the table. And, wallahi,
my husband looked at me. He's like, ma'am,
please don't die before me.
I thought that was so that was so
sweet.
It melted my heart. I couldn't believe
we had reached that stage where,
you know, he so valued me, my presence.
And it was intentional. It was deliberate.
If you make yourself
invaluable
because you've added value, so much value to
yourself,
you now have, you know, like, the bargaining
ability to try and
encourage your spouse to also up their game.
Why? Because, you know, it's no we're no
longer meeting each other's needs. You know? I
may be meeting yours, but I'm not satisfied.
That may be a push. But I always
say start with you,
upgrade you, make yourself better, make your nuffs
beautiful, make your character attractive,
and then validate your spouse. It is difficult,
of course, sometimes where you're putting in all
the effort, you've done everything and you find
he's not responding.
So you
improve upon it, like my father would say,
try not to give up and then try
various options of making sure you express that
your needs are also not being met.
It requires a lot of,
tact, a lot of diplomacy. You have to
make the effort and try different things. My
husband and I well, for me, I applied
my mother's method, which was to write a
letter to my husband when I was upset
because I tried not to talk too much.
Instead, I wrote an 18 page letter. Right?
I think you heard me share that one
day,
a newspaper.
But later on, I want to filter and
be more specific about getting my message across
about the things I didn't like that hopefully
we could sit and talk about. So that's
just one of the things. Yeah.
You know, that makes so much sense. And
I think this is a topic that in
in across the board, you find that, you
know, couples are trying to understand.
Women are trying to get a point across
to their husband,
and it's
like they don't get it.
They didn't read our minds.
What's going on? Why didn't you guess why
I'm upset? Why don't you understand why I
I mean, isn't it obvious that I feel
the way that I do? Or when they
say, like, what's wrong?
What do we do ladies?
Let's see how honest the chat is. If
your husband says to you what's wrong, what
do you say?
Just put it in the chat. Let's see
if we're gonna be honest.
You know, he can see that you're upset.
He can see that you're off and, you
know, you're not yourself.
He says to you, what's wrong? Oh, check
this out. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Terminology. Fine. Silent treatment.
I will ignore him all day.
Give him the look like he should know.
Leave me alone. If you loved me, you
would know.
Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, you mean you don't
know? Oh wow. Okay.
Suggest to separate at the end. Oh my
goodness. Alright. Okay. Let's let's do an intervention.
This is mad. Okay. Let's do an intervention.
Sister Mariam,
we've got a ton
of wives
here
who are not communicating
their needs to their husband. So the husband
has
reached out and said, what's wrong?
Can you teach us how can we teach
us how we can answer that question
to get it to get what it is
that we actually need in that moment. Listen,
Annette. Maybe he's neglected you.
For me, I could say, you know, I
seem to be at the bottom of your
priority list.
But when I speak to my husband, a
method I learned of course, before I'd look
and stand and just open my eyes like
But over time,
I actually learned if something is really, really
important,
first, I make an appointment to fight. So
I tell Saeed something is on my mind.
I call it the art of fighting without
fighting, and I learned that from Bruce Lee,
enter the dragon. And
it's,
I say, so if something is bothering me,
whenever it's okay with you, I'd love to
talk. And sometimes,
drives me crazy, but I have to
go through the process.
It could take him 3 days.
And during that time, I just keep
so dang long to come to the table?
And he's like, Mariam,
I know how
volatile things can get,
and I want to move away from any
explosive
discussions.
I have to program my mind and set
myself in a in the right tone so
that whatever you say that may be a
trigger, I am in full control, and I
don't let it provoke me for the discussion
to deteriorate.
So by the time he calls me and
says, Mariam, let's talk, he often will just
put his because
by then it's like there's almost a stalemate,
but not not tension.
He will now say, come and sit here.
What's bothering you? Or what's on your mind?
How do I fight when somebody says that?
Sometimes I sit on the floor, put my
hand on his lap, and I've noticed that
physical contact helps.
Before, because I was very resentful and angry,
I would not touch him because I was
allergic to him. Yeah. Yes. I didn't want
physical contact. But it actually made a big
difference in bring in cooling the fire.
So I would now sit and put my
hands on his lap and look up at
him Mhmm. And say, Saeed, I feel let's
say this is a scenario. This isn't you
know, I feel I just don't get your
attention anymore. Let's say maybe you're he's on
his phone a lot. You know? Say that
I think others
get more attention than me, and I just
get the scraps. I know maybe that's not
your intention, but that's how it comes across.
So I do the felt found. I do
the empathetic. I try to stir
emotions through empathy
and things like that instead of just
confrontation and boo boo boo boo boo. It's
more
I feel. I feel this. I feel that,
and it helps a lot.
Yeah. Okay. I just we just need to
do a deep dive right here, guys. This
is gold.
You guys need to make sure that not
only do you listen back to this again,
you need to share it with all your
friends, and you need to teach it to
your daughters as well because there's a couple
of things. 1st, I wanna say that I
think, brother Said was gay is gaming you,
right, by giving you, like, 3 days to
calm down before you actually have this argument.
Right? So so I think that there's some
psychology there. However,
just as you said,
I think a big part of that is
you having
the emotional intelligence to understand why it is
that you're actually upset.
Whereas many of us, we get upset
and we we are upset with trivial things.
Right? And and if he asks us what
what's wrong and we actually say, it's something
that is trivial. It's not the real issue.
Right? So so already having done the work
to say, you know, what's coming up for
me? What is really going on?
And then I love what you said about,
you know, I I think there's also something
psychological
there about looking up at him
and touching him,
and then using
I. Using I statements. Right? I feel like
x y and zed
which is so different. And, guys, I'm sure
you could imagine
how different that conversation would be is if
you were on one side of the kitchen
and he's on the other side of the
kitchen and or he's in bed and you're
standing above him, pointing a finger at him
and saying, you never do this, or you
always do this, or why are you always
x y
zed. Completely
different energy.
And like you said, I think it must
elicit a completely different response in him. And
any brothers who are watching,
again, we need some validation on that side.
Inshallah, let us know if your wife came
to you and she said, you know, I'd
like to talk to you. Instead of saying
the nothing,
yeah, or you're supposed to know,
you know, if you're not ready to talk,
sis, if you're too angry, if you're too
fired up, if you're flooded,
maybe it's a good idea just to say,
I can't talk about it right now, but
I promise that, you know, once I've kind
of come down, you know, I'd like to
have a conversation about it or something like
that. What do you think, sis? Anyway, I'm
not the counselor. You, Thomas.
Us. No. Absolutely. You are absolutely on point.
I think a lot of people looking at
the chats,
agree with you. Maybe, you know, someone's like,
I'll give this a shot. I'll try it.
It is frustration frustrating when you find somebody
stonewalling, you know, You have that literally, it's
easier to talk to a rock than it
is to someone who just doesn't
which is why, for me, taking courses on
effective communication,
effective listening, and conflict resolution
was a lifesaver
because
communication
is one of the biggest reasons why marriages
break down when you're not able to express
properly
and so it's something you have to get
right. You better figure out how to make
it work
because it's so important, and your spouse's style
may be different. That's why there's no blueprint
for effective communication. You just literally have to
but somebody did write something which is so
true. It's about also learning emotional intelligence
because you do want to know how to
study them. Timing is critical when it comes
to addressing important
issues. Pick your battles.
Mhmm. Mhmm. But don't swallow, don't suffer in
silence, don't allow yourself to suppress and be
broken, but just do it at the right
time. I always say never light a match
in a petrol station. When things are already
volatile,
do not go and make things more explosive.
Yeah. Make sure the temperature is already,
you know, it's temperate. The things have calmed,
yeah, have calmed down.
Exactly. Either with you or with him, actually.
I remember when I was, you know, in
early days of my marriage,
I was very, very conscious of not wanting
to be
in fight mode. Right? I didn't want us
to fight. I knew that I wasn't going
to kind of, you know, be quiet about
everything, but I knew that I didn't want
to be in a situation where, I'm throwing
accusations,
you know, we're we're having an argument back
and forth. And so what I did was
when something happened
that I that hurt me or that I
wasn't happy with, something that, you know, I
wanted to bring to his attention,
I would always
address it later.
I would always address it after a little
bit of time had passed when the emotions
were not as high.
I don't know whether you guys can, you
let me know in the chat if you
can hear me
and if that makes sense to you. I
think Sister Madi has frozen or I have
frozen, okay, the sister's frozen. Okay, I wasn't
sure who it was. So so being able
to just
take a beat guys, just a beat to
figure out
what is happening right now.
What is it that's making me feel the
way that I'm feeling? Right? And, you know,
is this something that I need to address?
You know, is this something that I need
to address? And if it is, then just
take a beat and
let your emotions
come down
a little bit before you say, you know,
such and such happened. I felt like x
y zed. Can we talk about it? You
know? And alhamdulillah,
a lot of the time we were able
to have a discussion because the emotions
the emotions and when you're you have heightened
emotion and he has heightened emotion,
just let me know in the chat, guys,
what that turns out like.
If you are upset
and you accuse him and he's upset and
he gets defensive,
what does that look like? Does that give
us the outcome that we want? Give it
let me know in the chat. Okay. Rashida
says an explosion.
Right? Bomb. Right? Boom.
No. It doesn't
work. Right? It doesn't. Right? So these are
some of the skills inshallah that we can
learn and we can also teach our sons
and daughters inshallah. I mean, guys, I think
having conversations with our children about the mechanics
of a marriage and a relationship, I think
inshallah will really help the next generation coming
up.
But anyway,
sister Mariam has dropped off.
But please just make dua for her and
her family,
inshallah,
because they, they they've obviously, you know, she's
shared so much with us.
Let me just check-in the chat to see
if there are any questions here that we
are not that we are going to be
dealing with later.
Right.
Because we have our next speaker inshallah coming
up.
Right. So I think what we need to
do
is these are really really good questions, masha'Allah,
and I think that they need to come
to the q and a, you know,
alhamdulillah, she's given us some really really good
information here, but I think that these questions
here, mashaAllah, they are absolutely gold, but we
need to have a good sit down q
and a and just do question, answer, question,
answer.
So I'm going to close off this,
this session.
All of you, thank you so much,
for just playing full out. It's time for
another 5 minute break.
Go to the bathroom. Go get some water.
Make a cup of tea. Stretch your legs
insha'Allah.
Sister Maryam, I'm just dismissing everyone insha'Allah so
that they can go and get something to
eat, something to drink, stretch their legs, etcetera
before our next speaker insha Allah.
So go ahead and do that guys.