Naima B. Robert – Relationship vs Marriage
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It's a humble approach.
You know? It's
it's gonna be okay. We're gonna work at
it.
We're probably gonna mess up along the way.
I'm gonna mess up for sure. You're probably
gonna mess up.
But we're committing to making this work,
which is
so different, I think, from, like you said,
the expectation.
And I think,
you know, I think we have so many
layers of
ideas about what a relationship should look like.
And I, I say relationship on purpose because,
you know, and any, you know, viewers disagree
with me, you know, you can comment below,
call me out.
But I think that what we see all
the time around us in popular media,
in social media, popular culture, films, songs, everywhere
is relationships.
It's not marriage.
Now you might say, Yeah, but a marriage
is a relationship, isn't it? But I would
say,
actually, a marriage is a lot bigger than
a relationship.
And
you could have
if
move halal and haram to the side. You
could have a girl and you you and
that girl, you're like that. Your relationship is
great. It's fun. It's cool. You enjoy each
other's company. Everything everything's nice.
But the marriage part now
are you on the same page? Does she
want kids? Do you want kids? Your families
hate each other. You don't want to live
together. She doesn't want to live here. Now
all the other elements
mean that a marriage would not work. So
while a relationship could be great, you guys
could kick it.
A marriage may not work. And so Because
in marriage, you're you're building and the relationship
should be not necessarily building. This is it.
Relationship is is fun times. Relationship is enjoyment.
Yeah. It's just enjoyment. Exactly. But I think
that
and, again, I I I say I say
this and open to for anybody to to
to to
call me out, but I think that what
we are
bred for is relationships
and not marriage. Because I know for a,
you know, a sister or a woman who
wants to get married, what's she looking for?
She's looking for a man to love her,
you know, to appreciate her. She wants the
romance. She wants to have the, you know,
the companionship and the relationship aspect. She's very
clear about that. She wants to be in
love. She wants to be loved. The relationship
is so crystal clear. And in her head,
in order to have that relationship, I need
this, this, this, this, this, this. These are
these things that I need. Right? Mhmm. Mhmm.
But the actual
marriage
and the work of marriage and even the
ultimate purpose of marriage,
we are not bred on that. And it's
hardly I think it's hardly ever spoken about.
You know? Certainly, it's not what people love
to make poetry about. You know? The the
work of marriage,
apparently, it's not there. So Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, like, the
it's,
basically,
things like duty,
possibilities.
Mhmm. These are
basically, I I think I think, like like
you said, the the the the institutional marriage,
I'll and I'll only limit this to Muslims
in the west. Because I'm sure Muslims in
Muslim countries still have their culture that if
they fall back on. But at least Muslims
in Western country who who countries were born
and raised and watch the same programs and
TV shows or not are looking for what
they see on TV.
It's a very individualist,
selfish approach,
and you can see that manifest in the
way they
treat their children in a relationship. So I'll
give you example.
The cut the classic case, which is not
uncommon. I don't have to say I heard
or I speak. We all know of marriage
break apart, and then now the husband's not
not see his kid because why is not
a lamb, see the kid and that kind
of stuff. Now if you just sit back
and just ask some question, put aside
what why their marriage broke apart and what
kind of stuff.
The question is you have children.
This child is a combination of 2 people,
husband and wife, mom and dad.
There are responsibilities
that are there that supersedes the individual mom
and dad.
Possibilities that have to be fulfilled irregardless
of mom and dad's wishes.
Mhmm. But because we see so often
this disregard, it shows that they only care
about themself.
Mhmm. I mean, one brother told me, and
this is quite sad, actually, when I heard
about my days,
that, one parent
was so adamant not to give the
the child access to the file or give
the father access to the child. As she
told the child the the father is dead.
The father was shocked to find out when
he met his son. His son was surprised
he was still alive because he was told
he was dead.
Wow.
Now, again,
someone will say, yo, but maybe he was
this and maybe he was that.
Again, all this is irrelevant.
How he and her was to themselves is
one discussion.
Yeah. And they got divorced, and that's been
dealt with. Yeah. But now we have him
and his child. That's a different discussion.
Mhmm.
But this is my point. The point is
that we view
this responsibility
as something
for me, this is what I want. Who
cares what you want at the end of
the day?
Yeah.
And I I know those I don't I
don't I don't say this to belittle someone.
I mean, obviously, your feelings are important. Just
like his feelings are important. Everyone's feelings are
important. But do they supersede all other responsibilities?
No. No. No. No. It's it's, it's it's
literally what I'm seeing is even in the
non Muslim space,
people asking again, hold on a minute. What
was the purpose of marriage again?
What was that marriage thing all about? Because
what's going on now? This ain't it. You
know? Like, this this is this this ain't
it. You know? If marriages are going to
be based on, like you said,
individual fulfillment,
feelings,
emotions,
how how much you're vibing in that period
of life or whatever,
they are necessarily going to be short lived.
They're they're going to be breaking up and
children at the end of the day
I don't know what you feel about this,
but
for me, when it comes to growing adult,
you guys do whatever you want. Yeah? You
wanna get together? You wanna be together for
2 years? You wanna break up and marry
someone else? It's fadda. Like, do whatever you
want. But
the children,
that's that's the that's the issue, the children.
So thing is that that psychology,
that individualist selfish psychology,
won't impart upon the children. They'll see that
this is how they'll grow up in it.
Oh, this is how marriage is. If they're
not happy, then this is how they must
behave and whatnot. I mean, the way the
way I view marriage,
my analogy would be 2 rocks.
You got 2 rocks,
and they're rubbing against each other.
Now, obviously, these rocks are made to rub
against each other. They were they were they
they're just 2 individual rocks. So there there's
a lot of friction. There's a lot of
noise. There's a lot of, you know, heat.
But over time, these surface would smoothen off.
Eventually, they'll become flat surfaces
on each other.
This is how marriage is. There's a lot
of friction.
He's he's this way. She's that way. I
don't get it. Blah blah blah. But
if you recognize that over time,
these will smoothen off Wow. As your character
inadvertently
change,
eventually, you get to a point whereby
you can't imagine life without each other because
you've you've you've become the same shape now.
You've become you fit. You've cleaved. But it's
about get it's about getting that way. It's
about getting from that rough surface to that
smooth surface takes a very long time. And
the reason why it takes a long time
is because there's so many things that got
to happen. You got to have children. You
got to wean those children. You have to
raise those children. You have to educate those
children. They have to go to secondary school.
Now they become adults. All these events throughout
your life will shape how you decide, how
you talk, how you behave.
I mean,
anyone who's been married for longer than 10
years will recognize
how they were at the beginning is not
how they are now. Mhmm. And how they
are now is not how they will be
in 10 years' time. Mhmm. So if you
recognize that you're gonna change,
make that change a positive way so that
you're changing for the benefit of this thing
you're trying to build. Unit. This unit. Right.
Exactly. The the unit. The unit. And not
just change and the thing is I mean,
what's good about this is that
you're not trying to change necessarily change them.
They will change. Mhmm. But you need to
focus on changing you, how you're gonna change.
And this is what the issue is. When
you're individualist,
is that why aren't you changing? Why aren't
you doing x, y, zed? Why aren't you
working harder? Why aren't you trying to be
home early? Why aren't you trying to make
sure you don't
burn the or whatever? But
the question is, what are you doing to
make the marriage work, and what are you
doing to fix things? I mean, this you
get what I'm saying? So Yeah. Anyway, I'm
going on about the same thing. But that's
basically why why I believe
that is that, generally speaking, all marriages have
the potential
to work
if one's willing to make it work. And
I don't really believe that something is really,
really at the end. Really. I mean, I've
have had people sometimes say, oh, I wanna
divorce. I can't tell this person. No. No.
It's the end of the world. This person
is so is a narcissist. Is it this?
Is it that? I said, cool.
After about a probably an hour of chatting,
you and you scratch the surface. You realize,
wait. If this person
wants to work hard enough and blah, would
you go back with them?
I would think, yeah, I probably would. But,
therefore, it wasn't that bad then, isn't it?
I mean, you still have feelings then. You
still will make it try. So it's just
about making
the effort.