Naima B. Robert – Multiple Wives The Good, the Bad & the UGLY w @nasiralamin @outstandingpersonalrelationshi
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smell less and I want ECAM everyone said I'm on ECAM welcome
welcome welcome let me know guys if you can hear me if you can see
me all we live in the house I certainly hope so. Welcome Welcome
one welcome wool. It is Friday night mashallah Tabata cola it is
a Friday Night Live for those of you had joined today I pray you do
I was blessing may Allah bless all of you nice to see the Live Crew
want to call you guys that to live through so if you all watching
live to Live Crew in the chat isn't too bad guys that really bad
that might be really bad that might be really off brand if it is
off brand then forget I ever said anything okay if you think two
Live Crew not too bad then put two Live Crew in the chat if you're
watching live and put replay gang in the chat if you're watching
this on the replay right so we got guys we got who we got in the
house we've got USA guys let's get specific. I've been here Okay,
let's get specific. Wherever you are. I want to see the town or the
city and the country Okay, not just the country. Drop your
locations we've got London in the house we've got mashallah New York
one of our regulars we've got Nigeria we're about six we're in
Nigeria are you we've got London in the house you've got San
Francisco Yes, you've got Mombasa we've got more London we've got
Germany fantastic Oh Masha Allah to from Germany wonderful. We've
got USA we're about system we're about see from Bavaria Nice. Masha
Allah Germany and the house again. Atlanta the GA Yes. For the two
line crews in the house. Yes.
Colonia wonderful Great to have you in New York City guys is
Croydon in the place, more Germany mashallah Maryland, Rotterdam,
West Yorkshire, Columbus, Ohio, London Baraka Lo Fi comm wonderful
I love it. Alright guys, you got it. Thank you, Nigeria. Liberals.
Don't tell you guys don't play with me tonight. Okay, listen, let
me tell you. We have had two videos D monetize this week. Can
you imagine two videos D monetized one talking about polygamy and the
other talking about
addiction to *. We'll just call it that. So times are hard on the
Boulevard. So you know, I'm looking out for those super chats,
those stupid things, those coffees that you can buy us via the link
inshallah. We are here for all of it in Sharla. Guys, you're
amazing. Let me introduce and bring on my co host today. This is
candid conversations. So I should actually play our series. I think
I should have he should. Let me see if I can do that. Let me see
if I can do that. Will it do it? Yes, it will. Yes, it is kinda
conversations with your sister name would be Robert and your
brother
in Supers.
You are still muted. So I've unmuted you
Polycom Salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh how are you?
hamdulillahi rabbil aalameen you're matching the show brand
that I'm not today. It is what it is. Yeah. Hamdulillah this was
this was inspired by hamdulillah my daughter who had a purple shirt
on. So I told her that I was matching her and dressing like
her. Yes, yes, yes, yes, Masha, Allah. Love that. Mashallah.
Allahumma barik May Allah bless all the daughters and the sons out
there and those of you who have put your sons and daughters to bed
so that you can join us?
And all of the wives out there that ain't tripping and messing up
their homes because of polygyny. Oh god seriously
yet
It's,
we haven't even begun yet. And the mic is out. Okay. Okay. Yeah,
let's talk about it. Okay, so I can see you've come. You've chosen
violence today. Now you guys know already. Normally it's me who
chooses violence, I go on face. But today I think Brother Nasir
has chosen violence, which is a nice change, I think what do you
guys think? I think it's a nice change. But we all going to be
having more of a debate today really, than we normally do. So
guys, we've got four topics today that we want to discuss. Hold on,
hold on, hold on. You see that super chat that came in? See when
I choose violence? I get money. It's true. It's true that Do you
know what? Choose violence again? Bring the weaponry. Okay. 999
Super Chat is like, oh, okay, that I should say please, no
negativity. Nelson. Oh, girl, girl, girl. Let's see. Let's see,
I think you may have to pay him to tone it down. You buy something?
Right? Nothing but the truth today. Okay, okay. Bismillah. So
guys, here are the rules. All right, we have four topics. And
when we start the topic, I'm going to put it up on the screen, so you
guys will see it. I think we're going to have a little time to say
our piece on it. But then the floor is open. Okay. And we really
do want you guys to come come with your A game. All right, come with
your A game, meaning come with something, something concrete to
say, you know, with a real point, as much as you can bring your
belief, okay? Bring your evidence, bring your explanation for why you
have the opinion that you have. We're not here to shout and scream
and get emotional. We are here to have, you know, it may be a
debate, but it's still a conversation. Right? So please,
let's let's make sure that when we come in, we've got something to
say we've got a point to make. And let's come in and make our points
in sha Allah. Okay, you know, we already say that this is the best
live stream on the YouTube in the Muslim space, Mashallah. And the
one of the reasons why it is so cool is you guys, is that you
listen, you pay attention, you think and when you speak, you can
see that you only have considered what's being said mashallah Tabata
color. So, we love that. But then I said, anything you want to say
to the people out there before we get started in Sharla?
Yeah, so a bit off topic, but important for me to get off my
chest. So I can just get this off my chest, very much unrelated to
the topic. But, you know, I think something you and I discussed, one
of the things that I want to do is to
eventually have
a weekly conversation around the feedback and what I get from my
sessions with clients. And so two things I wanted to, to share very
quickly, because I probably won't have make that video this week. So
just two points.
And they'll just be quick point, I won't elaborate unless you want
to. But just two quick points. One is,
for my sisters,
please don't get caught up in the label. And what I mean by that is
this, oftentimes when there is challenges in the relationship in
the marriage,
and you seek out a therapist, and that therapist reaffirms that
quote, unquote, your husband
is a narcissist.
I would nudge you a little bit more to then ask yourself, what
now? Meaning? What am I going to do now? Because what I'm finding
is oftentimes,
we get the label that we want.
And that seem to have been the goal post. Right? Just to affirm
that, you know, my husband is a narcissist, that's the problem.
When I would suggest to you let's push a little bit further
and ask the question, now that you got the labor, What work are you
going to put in to adjust yourself now that you have been affirmed
and what you have been thinking and feeling? So that's one.
Any thoughts on that before I go to the second
I'm leaving myself from the stream. Why am I doing that? No,
no, this is the therapeutic stuff. You know, this is this is the this
is the therapeutic side. And I do think, you know, sisters, I think
we all know and we've seen increasingly in the community in
as as a reflection of what's happening in society in general.
The increase of labels like narcissist, right, it's like
everyone is a narcissist, right? I think the two that I see the most
is he was narcissistic, or he was like I couldn't
toll free call controlling, right? And sometimes I feel that those
are code words for a certain type of behavior that you didn't like,
or that didn't make you feel good. It's not a clinical diagnosis that
he's a narcissist is just in your head a narcissist is somebody
maybe who's self centered, for example, right? Oh, who wants
things done his own way? Methylene you know, but anyway, I'm not the
expert here, it doesn't make sense to kind of dig deeper than just
getting that label. So yeah,
that's the point. That was the point like, you know, okay, once,
whether the label is there or not, the behavior is there, it's been
affirmed, and
it's been affirmed. And so now the question is, you know, that this
problematic behavior is there, what are you going to do? Right?
Are you going to spend your time trying to,
or you're going to spend your time and self doubt that what you've
seen is not really what you're seeing, although it's being
affirmed?
Or are you going to then spend your time to say, Okay, this is a
situation, I accept the Milka spill, I accept that these are his
behaviors that are problematic, I'm going to move forward in this
direction doing this thing, right. And I accept the discomfort that
comes with being active and changing my situation. Because
what I find oftentimes is we get stuck in the label or get stuck in
where we're at. Because we don't want to deal with the discomfort
of making the adjustment that comes with that.
Okay, so I'm not sure whether this is a question that is helpful to
those who are listening, or watching. But so if you get stuck,
what does that look like, for a client? If she's got the unit has
been, you know, the label has been affirmed? Your husband has an X Y,
Zed, and now she's stuck there. What does that look like? How does
that show up in terms of how she behaves?
Constantly, one, one at times remaining. But also while
remaining constantly doubting self doubting worth,
constantly looking for other evidence of what they believe to
be true, what is already being affirmed. And then, and then not
focusing on
learning how to deal with my thinking, learning how to deal
with my emotions, and then adjusting my actions, given the
environment that I know I'm in now. Right? It's been affirmed, I
know that this is the type of atmosphere I'm living within.
Okay, now that I know that what am I going to do so that I exist, if
I've decided to stay, I'm going to exist in this dysfunction, while
out without self sabotaging self, right, causing less cost to myself
while remaining in it. So thus, I need to learn a modality, I need
to learn how to handle my thinking or my emotions, and and then
adjust my behaviors. But that's a process. Right? That that requires
work. And that's uncomfortable.
Because the easy thing is just to say, Look, you need to change, he
needs to change. Right? He needs to he needs to change now. Right?
Because that that requires less of change in in myself. So I get
stuck in that, versus what is uncomfortable, which is, and this
is why it's taking responsibility. Exactly. Yeah, it's taking
responsibility and accountability, that I have a lowered sense of
self worth. Right? That I'm not willing to deal with that, which
is really one of the reasons why I'm staying.
Right? I'm staying because I don't not in all cases, but in some
cases, cases that I'm seeing, I'm staying because I really don't
believe one, I don't trust my judgment to I don't really believe
that I'm worthy of more than this.
Right? I'm not worthy of better treatment. So that's a self worth
thing. That's a thinking issue. And so that that requires work.
And so that also requires, you may be shifting the attention from him
and his label and shifting it towards yourself. Right. Okay. So
that you can then make adjustments. But if we always stay
focused on Him, not saying for those in the back, not saying that
his behavior isn't problematic. It is. But if you're choosing to
stay, how are you going to stay? is an important question to ask
yourself, especially if you have children, because they're
watching. So how are you going to exist in this dysfunction? And
that's an important thing. You always if you know that you're in
dysfunction, how do you function within dysfunction?
Right, but that's that
that takes work. So that that's one thing that
for the video that I know, I won't create that I want to create that
point. Yeah. And the second point to the video for the video that I
want to create that I know I'm not going to create is, brothers,
please make sure you
take the time to examine what actions, what beliefs and what
actions for you to determine your manhood.
Because oftentimes, those behaviors can be self sabotaging
before relationship before marriage. But if you continue that
within marriage, it can definitely
cause a rift with trust within the relationship. Right? So So for
example, to put it in practice. So I believe that
if I believe that my ability to
gain the attention and attraction of a woman, as an indication of my
manhood or masculinity,
then I'm going to do actions I eat, have frivolous conversations,
Sparco conversations with women in order to validate that, right, and
if I'm in a situation that I'm not happy in, I eat my marriage, then
that may lead me to wanting to so if my wife, for example, has an
anger management issue, a jealousy issue, a temperament issue, and
she does things that I interpret in an unhealthy way, which is
challenging to my sense of manhood. Then Then I go out and I
try to reaffirm my manhood through unhelpful behaviors, right? Versus
really taking a healthy understanding of the situation and
say, you know, this is just her fallibility. Her fallibility is
anger management issues. It's it means nothing about me as a man.
All right, does that make sense?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it makes sense. It makes sense. Guys, I don't know
about you, but I think that brother Nasir should have his own
show. What do you guys think? If you think about the master should
have his own live call in show where people can ask him questions
and present scenarios and get feedback and get an analysis and
get a breakdown. Put Nasser's show in the chat Okay, I just want to
take a take the temperature of the room insha Allah because yeah,
it's it's it's at a much deeper levels and then you know, then we
used to see in contents Pamela
Yeah, does that qualify for that so guys put Narcissus show in the
in the chat if you think that he should have a show of his own
where you guys can attend live and he can answer your questions and
you guys can discuss all of this stuff which I can see everyone is
mashallah so interested in I wouldn't do not want to pass
without acknowledging this super chat because I can offer and
traveller says keep inspiring the sisters and brothers we need no
more names in this world please God better than name is in this
world in sha Allah. Allah hamdulillah alright guys, let us
jump in now. We've got some already the chat is very, very
interesting. Some interesting things being said in here. I do
not want us to get sidetracked today because that is usually what
happens right? We start responding to the comments and then next
thing you know, we're on somewhere else. So let us start with the
first
the first point the first topic, right I'm gonna put that up all
the topics today have been taken from our the comments section.
Okay, so my comments section underneath my videos underneath my
posts, but all the topics for today have been
have been taken from there. Okay. Mashallah. So you can see in the
chat people are definitely definitely like yes, yes, yes,
this should happen. Masha Allah, so ASAP, apparently. So this is
good. So, um, the link is in the chat guys, for you to come on, and
either agree or disagree. All right. It's a debate. So you need
to pick a side. Okay, and you need to stay focused on the topic. This
was a statement that was made in response to some of the shows that
we did. And we want to see whether you guys agree or disagree. And
basically, that's the word I'm looking for. Justify your
position. Okay, brother Nasser, I'm going to hand it to you in sha
Allah.
Topic One polygyny, I'm sorry, polygamy today is an excuse for
brothers to satisfy their lust for
Oh urges
could be.
And
all right, because the next topic Yeah.
And yeah, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's see the end was so what do you
think the commenter meant when they said that?
Oh, it's a dis.
Okay. Okay, it's a dis meant to be.
So your so your husband has lustful desires and he's choosing
to partake in it and that halau manner
what are we talking about?
I think what in the comments push back? What are we doing?
Let's hear what the people say. Let's add them to the stream and
see.
Let's go guys. Okay, what have you got Medina to what do you have?
Brother Nasir says so what? If and if that's the case, so what was
wrong with that? What say you?
Either one of you can stop.
Somebody who says you need to unmute your mic.
So okay, let's see what the comments are saying. I see one
comment that I think needs to be address. And this is important.
This is important.
I am I think as a sister, I could be wrong. It could be a brother,
it's what marriages are there for satisfying our lust.
Is that good?
Yeah. Is that what I said? See, this is this is where this is
where the conversation often breaks down. Because we bring to
the conversation, our own history and biases. I think this person is
saying what to the topic and being like what marriage is there for
satisfying? Your last Is that correct? Am I don't want to Yeah,
that's that's what they mean, because this is the follow up. So
this is the final one.
Okay, so Abu there says that he agrees with the topic with that
particular statement. MB says I don't think it's an excuse. It's a
need. Uriah says that's the whole point. And I will talk with Dean
says, even if he does, he has to deal with all the responsibilities
that comes with it.
Why take heed or ytk says nothing wrong with satisfying urges. As
long as it's done lawfully. What I have seen is affairs that become
secondary just now that's another thing. That is another thing for
sure. So we definitely need to come back to that. I could point
though.
I think another question, which is not the question that was asked
is, is that worth it?
Alright, that that would be the question that I would ask a
brother. Is that worth it? Yeah, it's okay. You can get married to
satisfy your local desires. But But I don't know if that's worth
it. If that's all you're getting out of this deal. So that's why I
would nudge us you know, just the community when we have this
conversation about polygyny, I think we need to
have a deeper conversation and not just stay on the surface.
What I Medina too, if you are ready to speak please on mic,
unmute your mic inshallah rather avoid tacky Dina's here before I
bring him on. I think for me, the reason I chose this statement is
because it was one of those kind of sign language comments, which
was like a shaming tactic. Right? As in, that's all they want it
for. They're just beasts basically, you know what men are
like that kind of thing.
So, on the one hand, as many people are saying that is a
legitimate reason to get married, right? It's a legitimate reason to
get married and some legitimate benefits of being married. But
moving on from that obviously we're having a conversation now
about okay, well if that's all it's about, is it worth it? And I
think that there is something to be said for you know, if you were
only marrying for that you're probably not looking to take on
the full responsibility with the children and all of that stuff.
It's more like a you know, negotiated settlement type of
situation but that's that's what I'm seeing about Akkadian and
Medina to what say you have all what what are your thoughts on
this?
Sure, slowly ago
I've met quite a lot of lovers who have done the multiple marriage
thing sometimes you see
quit and never think. And I genuinely feel that people making
a lot of excuses of why as a man having, you know this whole
lustful thing and, you know, he just likes being women.
And I think they're not giving it credibility that forgetting that
that is a man. And that is, he will he liked you once upon a time
ago. And he we will probably like other people. But a lot of the
people they take their responsibility on at the same
time, I think a lot of men may not understand the responsibility, and
the headache that could come with it. But it's better to do it in a
halal way than doing it in a horrible way which from, and I
think a lot of sisters don't understand that guys know what
other guys are up to. And the system might not know or might not
want to believe that a man might be seen another girl, or chatting
up to another girl. And it sometimes leads to Zina because
they've been pushed away from the idea of marriage. They don't want
to have a divorce and all that kind of stuff. And then sometimes
his sister, or family members, or whatever it is, could be pushing a
man to go and do his inner because sometimes he's open in a society
that we live in today. They're open to so much stuff. It's
unbelievable. And when they young, especially in the mid 20s, there
is they may not have that strength and that taqwa and everything. But
if we are always pushing the idea, like if you do like somebody, go
ahead and get married, just make sure everything's nice legitime
that a would help one ancestor. And I think for sisters, if your
goal is first for Allah, and to reach Jana, and make that your
number one priority, all this stuff is secondary, and it
wouldn't bother you as much but if you put your man number one,
that's where there's going to be lots of problems in my opinion.
And I think it's always important to have everybody puts a love
first this whole dynamic will change.
Because I feel affair. Yeah. I love that. Mashallah, there's
there's a lot to unpack there, isn't there? Because, you know,
we've had this conversation in the comments and in previous calls
where, you know, there are women slash wives who would say I would
rather that he cheats, I would, I would rather that he cheats. He
have an affair. I don't know anything about it, than him
legitimately take on somebody who will really let's call it what it
is, who will have my status, right, who will be seen as similar
to me in terms of her place in the family, her place in his life,
potentially her place in his heart? I think a lot of women
really struggle with that. And that's the reason why they're
like, you know, what, if you're going to do it, just just I'd
rather that you just did haram, then put me in a position where
now I have to adjust based on your on your based on your decisions? I
don't know.
Okay, we'll just just apologies, just one point with that.
system. And that, and that, I think, you know, I would say
that's the demand. Right. So from the from the coaching lens, the
demand here is that I must be number one. Right. And I must be
the only right, and the extreme belief here that then produces the
fear is the is the fear of losing what I have the fear of losing the
status that I have. Right? So so for the sister with that, that
would be the thing to work on work on the demand on letting go of the
demand that you must be number one, and that you must be the only
because the reality is, you don't know that you always will be
the man that ought to be able to demonstrate that to the wife to
show you that he does love her and care for her. And he will still be
able to treat her equally and everything and be able to gently
bring this as an approach before chucking somebody that deep and
nothing how I think sometimes men can be right but how do you handle
it is very crucial.
Agreed. Agreed. Agreed Baraka Luffy. Thank you.
I completely agree with my brother. One adjustment, I would
say to maybe what I said is just to be clear, one of the demands is
that I must be the only one.
And that's something regardless of what you put in, because he
underneath that, if we're really unpacking it. And I've said this
before,
we have to go let go this subtle demand for certainty,
this subtle guarantee that we want in life. And the reality is the
only guarantees we have is that one, you know, we're going to die
at some point. And two, we're going to face our Lord and that
Allah is just and if you're American, that you're going to pay
taxes, other than that ain't no guarantees in this world. And even
if you have in your contract that your husband has no
We're going to take another wave, which we're going to talk about
later, which we're going to talk about later in Sharla. Medina to
was making a really good point behind the scenes says, Do you
want to unmute like to unmute and say what you said in the comments.
Oh, I try family caller has love it okay to do while EcoSense
America to go ahead, sis. So yeah, I'm sorry, again, because I'm
French. So my English is not that good. But I was
like,
Wait a second, you French brothers and sisters, which was emoji was
then
you will love me to
come on here and say,
My English is not so good. And then give me like one long thing.
Yeah, so I was saying that I agree with what Robin? I should say
previously about the fact that yes, if a man of urges what's the
point was the matter? And I truly think that as a woman, it's not
very agreeable to, to think that we might marry a man who can keep
his finger in his pants, right? I mean, when I hear when I when I
hear that the man I've heard is I'm like, okay, so you might take
a second wife, but maybe you will take
a third and maybe a fourth. So
I'm not married, actually. So maybe it's the story that I'm
talking about? Um, I have in my head has Robin, as he said, but it
can be scary. I mean, because I might think that I will never be
enough because it's if his first wife hasn't been enough, then why
would I be enough? I don't know if that makes sense. But
just one last thing.
I didn't see myself in the polygyny marriage, but I guess
that was when I was younger. Now I'm 37. So I'm reconsidering the
things because as Robin SP once said,
age is a is leverage. And my age is under leverage anymore. And we
have to accept it as as a woman. And I accept it. Alhamdulillah. So
now I'm considering polygyny. But I am still afraid about men who
have urges. That's it. That's what my bones I, you know what says I'm
going to jump in and agree with you. Because I am sorry, guys, if
this upsets anybody, we're not here shaming men for having those
urges.
But I do think that as a woman, especially a woman who would want
somebody who is in it for more than just a thrill, if that is
what he's driven by that that is the sole like that's the driving
force. That is a red flag. For me. That's my personal view on it. And
I remember saying this on Mondays channel, that the marriage is
especially secondary, and you know, kind of subsequent marriages
that are based on desire and fulfilling desire only from what
my analysis is that those marriages have a higher chance of
breaking down. Because once the desire is fulfilled, and real life
starts to encroach. It's not really what you signed up for.
Because that's not what it was about in the first place. It
wasn't about building, it wasn't about investing. It wasn't really
even about Africa, per se, in the sense of building something for
the Africa. Maybe you just wanted to avoid something like Xena, for
example. Or you just you just liked it. You just liked it and
you wanted it or you felt I need to relieve this pressure now,
which is fine. But once it's relieved, what happens? Because
now real life comes in responsibilities, difficulties
between the spouses, blah, blah, blah. And those are the guys that
tend to bounce. So that's what I've seen. I could be wrong guys
open to be corrected. What do you think about a couple of things?
One says, I think, look, like I always say the male's perspective
is the best and right and only perspective. So I appreciate you
acknowledging Allah and His Messenger is the best and only
thank you very much.
A distant fourth is the male perspective, which is the best
perspective, the only perspective. So what I what I would say is and
seriousness, although I am serious about the male perspective, but to
be serious, what I would say is you I appreciate the fact that you
acknowledge that sis in terms of your age, no longer being leverage
and making the adjustment. That is something that I strongly
encourage sisters to do. The earlier you can make that
adjustment, the better. Right? The reality that once you know within
the Muslim community, the wall is around 2930.
Acknowledge that and be open to options post 30 or earlier, be
open to options that are quality options. Right. So that's one
point and the second point is something that I think you
We talked about on the last episode,
where we talked about
wives feeling like they have to be enough.
Agent has come up. Yeah. And that's, I would say, again.
You know, as a coach, the thing that comes my mind is, that's an
unrealistic demand that you're placing on yourself. The reality
is, you're not going to be everything to your husband.
That's just a reality. And your husband is not going to be
everything to you. Right? There's some things that he's going to be
exceptionally great ad and he took checks off certain boxes, but then
there's gonna be some things that he doesn't. Right. And that's
that, those that's the part of
accepting, tolerating the things that may not be
sufficient for you. But they aren't deal breakers, right? So I
would say, to both brothers and sisters, don't don't burden
yourself with this belief that you have to be, quote unquote, enough
for your husband,
or your spouse rather than that. We're fallible human beings. And
we know that from our dean, but we also know that from CBT, the
reality is, we're all fallible human beings. So we are going to
fall short. You're not going to be able to be everything for your
spouse.
100% agreed. And I just wanted to focus for a second on this guy,
sorry, especially for the other way.
This issue of like lustful desires, right? We all know that
there's a pipeline. Okay, there is what is natural in the creation of
the human man and woman. We talked about this on the live on
Wednesday night when we were talking about * addiction, is
that there is a natural desire, right? That's just innate is
recreated with it.
But that desire can be stimulated, it can be heightened, it can be
exaggerated, it also can be acted on step by step. We know this,
right? That's why Allah subhanaw taala says, let a couples dinner,
do not come close, do not approach it. Right? Because there are
footsteps. There's like a, there's a like a garden path if you like
that you go down. So for all the brothers and the sisters out
there, your goal is to keep yourself chaste. Right? Keep
yourself in * Allah.
I'm having the natural desire, and then allowing that natural desire
to be stimulated in the wrong way or to be you know, to be to be
worked on the wrong way. Basically, putting yourself in
situations where you are alone, with the opposite gender, where
you develop a relationship with you know, someone from the
opposite gender, when you start to become emotionally entangled with
someone of the opposite gender, where you allow a touch where you
just stand like that, then that's all like bread crumbing all the
way. Then you get to a point where you're like, Oh, my God, man, I
need to get married now, because this is where we're at.
Let's just bear in mind, let's take responsibility for the fact
that this could have been avoided if we had been more careful with
lowering our gaze with not mixing and all of the things that the
Dean actually tells us. So let's not forget that guys, because in
general, we No, of course, life is not ideal. But we have been given
tools to not put ourselves in difficult situations where we have
to, you know, where we're having to take these types of decisions,
because we've allowed it to go that far. I want to make that
point
of a flan. What's your take on the topic?
Salam Alikum
How you guys doing hamdulillah hamdulillah
the topic polygamy today's an excuse for brothers to satisfy
their lust for urges the sister, Nyima Allama, Vedic she she made a
good point, if a person isn't lowering their gazes, then that
their their natural urges are already being heightened, you know
what I mean? Then a person will end up making the claim that they
need a second or third or fourth, you know, spouse, I am of the
opinion that if a man
has high libido or has a natural naturally high drive, that then he
should try to find a Jani permissible outlet for that. You
know what I mean?
The PBS sister she made a statement. I think the brother
touched on that a little bit. He said so she said that. I'm afraid
that I won't be enough for my husband and I thought that was a
bit just I just wanted to touch upon that a little bit. And
mashallah, the brother talked about it as well.
You can never be enough for a person. This is younger than this
dunya you know, just that mindset we need to correct
And a man doesn't get married to most the time he doesn't get
married to another woman because of the fact that his first wife
does not enough.
You know, and this is something that men understand themselves.
Most of the time men get married for other reasons whether it's the
fact that he naturally does need another, you know another woman,
you know what I mean? Plus how how much woman there are
the fact that there's a lot of single sisters right now going on.
But um, yeah, that's my take on that. Brother. I want to ask you a
question if you don't mind. I'm really really curious about this.
Guys, I need us to keep it literally a buck like 100% with us
the sisters.
Brothers, honestly, in their quiet moments, think to themselves,
there's so many good sisters out there Mashallah. Single sisters,
older sisters, divorced or single mother widows, whatever. I should
marry one of them. That would be a very good thing for my aesthetic.
Is that real? Or is that really a thought process? I want to hear
from you about freelance. I will headings here as well. Brother
Nasir is here. What you guys all on the spot? And we've got the
brothers in the chat. And we we want to note ever the thought
process or is that just some made up stuff?
Okay. This, this is a real thing. But it's quality men who think
this way though. That's the thing. That's that's the that's the line
that separates well quality men who think community in think in
terms of community think in terms of helping the Ummah, these type
of men? Yes, they do think like that.
Between our friends, you know, between my friend group, we talked
about, you know, if we die, I would like for you to marry my my
wife, we speak on terms like that, but a lot of men are immature,
they can have conversations like this. It also depends on
the quality of the man
is able to have these conversations. And this is
something that, you know, that needs to happen. You know, I
really believe to be honest that the man is going to get a second
wife.
And a lot of a lot of men might disagree, but I believe that men
should get married to a woman who's a bit older, because she
hasn't she hasn't found a husband yet or she's divorced, or a single
mother.
There's no problem if a man gets married to a girl who's never been
married before, or a young girl, but at the same time, I really
think that it would be more useful. It'd be more useful if a
man gets married to a woman who's older. And yes, men do think like
this, but it depends on the man or the quality.
Coffee, we appreciate your candor brother, and I'm just highlighting
comments from the chat. Brother Nasser, what do you say? Is this?
Is this some fairy tale thinking? Is this is it? Have you heard
these conversations with your own ears? What's the story?
No, I think it's absolutely real. And I think I think that brother
was exactly right. It depends on the quality of demand. Right?
Because and quality of the men is is it begins with the quality of
his thinking his thoughts. Right. And that's a high caliber way of
thinking, right, in terms of not looking at just self, but also
looking at the macro level of the ummah. And I think most brothers
in most, I think most brothers, let me not say most, I think
oftentimes brothers come across sisters, who definitely could
benefit from being a second wife. Right? Who are it's not just an
attraction thing. It's really this is in a bad situation. Right? So I
think I think if you speak to a lot of brothers, you'll hear that.
So no, it's not a fantasy thing. But I think the thing that
separates
that so another question that could be added to that is,
then why why did they not do it? And I think what quality brothers
what happens is, it's not that they don't think of taking a
second wife, and it's not that they don't see a sister that could
benefit from being their wife. It's that they really take an
honest, responsible assessment of can they really do it?
Right, and then they decide, you know, what, as much as I think I
want to do this, and she would benefit from this, and my family
can handle it. I know right now I'm not in a position to do it. So
a quality brother will pull back. Whereas maybe someone who might be
a bit more reckless or not
thinking correctly or in a healthy way may just go ahead and and go
through it.
Because Because the last thing and I'll add to this, I
No one wants to add it
discomfort to another woman's life who's already in an uncomfortable
situation?
Right? No one's trying to do that wouldn't let me qualify because I
know people may take it literally. Quality men aren't trying to add
more discomfort to a woman's already uncomfortable situation.
So if you know you can't really start alleviating some of those
elements, then I think your brother would decide not to, to do
it.
But the thought is definitely there for sure.
Okay, does that mean okay, Abdulhadi? Do you? Do you agree
with the other brothers on the stream that this is a legitimate
thing that men think about?
Well, no, in your experience.
We can hear you we can see. Okay, so are they cool?
Yes, it is.
I do agree that it is legitimate. But marriage as as an institution
is bigger than being a lustful, just Elos full team that you do as
ference, and again, like it's saying says, people we know that
the beautiful ones I know yet born, so you even if you reach
your maximal threshold, within the orbital will you want to have will
you continuously to that was the sisters and keep adding, what kind
of society are we going to create will create a bunch of broken
women, and that is not really a good thing. So but it's not an
excuse again, for in the other way for the sisters to identify the
brothers to think maybe the brothers are OBUS overstepping the
boundaries, but is for us to take ownership by being by by by
ensuring that we know that is you can be possible, sometimes
naturally it happens. But you must be able to control yourself must
be able not to allow for that not to take yourself to those kinds of
situations so that you know that is you, you can stay within the
line. And you can only get married to whoever you want to have a long
term relationship, maybe without getting killed off. That was all
not wanting that person. That is my opinion. Thank you.
Or coffee? Thank you so much for that.
Yeah, I think, again, you know, this is
the way that I see brothers out there. And we've talked about this
on the channel before that, you know, sisters in general, women in
general are looking for a leader, right, a man who who will lead,
right, who has a vision, who they can get behind who will look after
them. And you know, yeah, who will who will who will be that rock for
them. And I think a man who has a leader mindset is strategic.
A strategic right. And marrying according to your last is not
strategic. It's, it's it's reckless, right. It's a bit
careless. Still, you know, and
that's not a quality, I think that we should be encouraging, although
we understand it can happen, right. But I don't think it's a
quality or a characteristic that we should be encouraging. And kind
of, I don't know whether it's making excuses for whatever, but I
don't think it's something that is encouraging because it's not
benefiting the stability of the community. Because another thing
that we've been talking about a lot on this channel is the need
for stable families. Right. And everyone's role, the part that
everyone plays in the stability of the family, the man has a role to
play, and the woman has a role to play. And in this case, the women
have a role to play in the stability of the family and the
stability of the Muslim family and the Muslim family home. So I do
think that, you know, I've said this before openly on other
platforms, you know, okay, don't go to the haram. Hallelujah better
than haram. But that type of marriage, which is literally just
to satisfy an urge is is is that is a is a solution is like a it
was the making the best of a bad situation. That's That's my view
on it. That's my view. Okay, yeah, I think I think so.
Two things.
One, this comment
we need to address
this sister says, Nazir, why are you always thinking so negatively
when it comes to older sisters in need?
Says I think you've
misunderstood my comments. So I would appreciate if you could
Put in the comments. What it is that I said that I think
is misunderstood, because I think if you followed any of my content,
especially on one system now you must perform.
My view about older sisters is not consistent with, I think the
normative view about owsm Older Muslim sisters. So that's one and
two.
My question for you would be is
is there a word or a space for
not discouraging, but not encouraging it? What would that
be?
Accepting? Oh, no, and I guess.
Yeah. See, so.
Yeah.
Yeah, I just, I'm interested in that. I don't know. But I'm
interested in that.
Because I
got
it for the completeness. internshala.
Um,
yeah, I just because I, you know, I you know, the thing is, I think
we also have to always remember that this deen is expansive,
because
people are diverse, and situations are diverse, and situations and
conditions that people find themselves in.
And, yeah, as you said, you know, as we you know, we this point
where I think we agree, but disagree is that
I don't think it's making the Battle of the best of a worse
situation.
Right. I think if someone is has that desire has that need, and
they know that the alternative is falling into the Haram and that's
what they need.
That's where they're at. I just, I think you and I just disagree on
that piece.
Fair enough. Fair enough. The comments are literally off the
chain right now. I'm so sorry. It's a bit it's a bit distracting,
because there's actually there's a whole conversation happening that
which is a really important one, but I want us to try to stay to
stay on task and stay on topic inshallah. Guys, I'm going to put
the the link in la hora, hora. No, the sister Aisha responded, you
always put an age limit on us women over 30 and making us feel
unwanted.
Releases.
Really?
You always put an age limit on us women over 30 and making us feel
on one. Really?
Look?
Do you hear from sisters that is difficult for them to get married
post 30? Or is that only me that saying? Have you ever heard that
from anyone else?
Have you ever heard from other sisters that because it's so
difficult to get married post 30 After being divorced, that they
may feel unwanted in the community?
Am I Am I creating that? Or am I addressing that?
So because I will assume that you haven't
exactly the age limit his biological, not from birth? And to
see exactly. So what I'm doing is I'm giving you the uncomfortable
truth that unfortunately, most sisters haven't heard. And that's
the reality is that men prefer oftentimes, younger women. That's
just a reality.
Right? That's biology. So I encourage this is to acknowledge
that make adjustments in their life before 30. But if they are
post 30, then make adjustments as well. Given that you're, you know,
behind the wall of 30. So since I don't want you to feel unwanted
but that's your feelings and you have to deal with those feelings
that you created due to your thinking. Don't put that on me. If
that's how you feel.
That's just my thoughts.
I think Brother Nasir is being honest about the reality of women
over 30 Divorce women over 30 or divorce women over 30 with kids.
Exactly.
says I want if you're over 30 and a divorce or over 30 and or a
divorce. I want you to win. I want you to get the most out of the
Muslim marriage market as you can I want you to get the best deal
you can get.
And in order to get the best deal you can get the first thing you
need to do is accept the reality of the market. And the reality of
the market is you are where
Through the in the eyes of your Lord and with yourself. But in the
market, your value is not what you think it is.
I hate to be the one to tell you that.
And that's not me trying to take shots. I'm just giving you the
honest assessment, Muslim marriage market, your value isn't what it
was prior to 30. So now that you accept that reality, what
adjustments can you make?
That's it.
But if you don't accept that reality,
then you're going to only frustrated and upset yourself,
because you're going to then start thinking the market should change
because you think it should.
Right.
But again, that's just what I think.
Right?
This question has been answered, mashallah, on the last live, so if
you're interested in the answer to this question, guys, I want to
refer you to
refer you to last week's conversation, which was on a
Thursday.
Michelle, I think want to move on.
If you don't, you don't have to adjust the noun. But I think
before we go, I think the perspective you have about the
dream is something that I think sisters should hear. Because that
last comment, or Muslim women today live in a fantasy world.
They don't like to be told the truth. I think that relates to
something that you said in the past, often, and again, maybe they
don't you can address it. It's just the dream that a lot of
sisters have.
Right?
You choose violence, I can tell? No, no, actually, I'm not. I'm not
even in a violent mood. Today, I'm, I'm perturbed and perturbed,
because I can see from the comments that there are some
sisters on here, who are attacking my character, and
feel that my position is in some way, a betrayal, of the sisterhood
and a betrayal of what's in the interests of sisters. And you
know, that basically, yeah, that I'm on some kind of agenda. And
you know, at the end of the day, everybody is free to have their
own opinion. Okay. And we grow and change through life. This is
normal. Yeah. And if you don't grow and change, as a result of,
you know, your life experiences and the lessons that you learn,
then I think that you know, you, you may be missing a thing or two
along the way.
I think
the purpose of life experiences is to
teach you, right? Even the worst of your experiences are there to
teach you. And if you don't learn the lesson,
what was the point of going through all of that?
I believe that everything that Allah subhanaw taala brings us
through is teaching us something, whether it is the point, you know,
whether it was a wonderful thing that happened or a terrible thing
that's happened, whether it was the best decision of your life, or
a huge mistake. I believe that we are here to learn from everything,
right. And if we don't learn, if we are not open to growing and
shifting our mindset, then we are what we are stagnant. And then we
are holding on to ideas that have been tested in the real world and
don't make sense and are not working, right. But we that's what
we choose to believe. And so we keep holding on to that. And if
that's you can do the love is all good. And if you believe that as
sisters, all we need is to be pumped up and reassured and and
empowered and made to feel a particular way about ourselves and
our situation and always feel good. And always think that we are
in the right and that the rest of the world is to blame and that you
know, any either all of this stuff that I can see kind of coming out.
That's fine. But that's not where I'm at. I think that it's
important for us to be able to tell the hard truths.
Now, at the end of the day, there is no denying that everyone's idea
of the truth is colored by their personal experience. Right? We've
talked about this before. There are people who when they talk
about marriage, they talk about it in such a negative way.
Because they've had a bad experience. All because they only
ever heard bad stories, right? People who talk about step
parenting in a negative way because they had a bad experience
or because they've only ever seen
In bad examples, I am not that person. So I'm not going to
pretend to be that person. I'm not a sister who is bitter about life.
I've made mistakes I've had fantastic, you know, I've had
fantastic results. I've had dreadful results. I'm a human
being like everybody else here. But what I do hope to do on this
journey is to learn from my mistakes, learn when things went,
Well, why did they go well, when things didn't go? Well? What could
I have done differently and all it is about Sisters is taking
accountability, right? Just taking accountability, that's all that it
is. So if you don't like me, to holding myself accountable, I one
sister in the comments Masha Allah, she created a whole story
about my life. She said, I don't know what I'm talking about.
Because of this, because of that. And that now I'm in this
situation. And this happened, and I made this mistake. And all this
stuff is complete fiction. Right? None of it is true, right? But
she's told herself a story about me, that makes sense to her, and
allows her to make sense of me and the things that I'm saying. And
for those of you in the comments, I'm not sure exactly who you
thought I was before, and especially on this topic, because
if you go all the way back, sorry, I'm not going to do a whole like,
you know, began about myself, right. But I feel that I need to
defend my position here, right? Um, you go back all the way to
from my sister's lips, which is probably the first time that you
guys heard anything about me. What did I say in the chapter about
polygamy?
I have never spoken against polygamy. I have never been anti
polygamy. What I have done is called brothers out for certain
things. That's what I have done. I never used to call sisters out.
Because in my mindset, I never saw sisters doing anything wrong. I
only saw it as brothers doing something wrong and the sisters
being the victims. That's what I saw. Because that was what was in
my field of vision. I opened up my field of vision. I saw the Hold on
a minute. That's not the full story. There are sisters who are
doing wrong and there are brothers who are responsible there are
brothers who are making the right decision sisters making the right
decisions, and we are all human beings. And we're all learning.
But anyway, it's cool. I'm out of this conversation, because we've
got some more mashallah guests and hamdulillah and I want to bring up
the next topic and I would like to introduce a coach. Oh my god,
guys, seriously, we've got one of my favorite pony families in the
dunya in the house with us Mashallah. It is coach and the Xia
himself. I salam Wa alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.
Can't hear you, brother.
Okay, from the left?
Because if you know, brother, Coach Nazim has been on this
channel before several times him and his two wives.
Yes, we got you. Yes, and handily.
Thank you so much for joining us. My pleasure. Indeed.
Have you been able to listen to the stream or been seeing what's
been happening so far?
Man, maybe for the last 2020 minutes or so. Yes. Yes. Very
interesting.
What are your thoughts so far? Before we go on to the next topic,
inshallah. You know, one of the challenges when I saw of course,
the assumption that oh, you know, may not be very you know, for the
lustful things, one of the challenges that we don't give each
other enough space, to understand each other and how we're
different, you know, when the sister mentioned that, I want to
be as everything how can we just can't be enough and all that
stuff, and the brother was basically explaining nobody's
enough for each other here and he's doing it regardless.
Similarly, when the Prophet said to salami, let us know that when
the son of Adam, you know, he has a value of gold, people want
another one. Right, that nothing will please us, except dirt. You
know what I mean? So we will continue to be more and more
differences, though, that it has become so accommodating to the
position of the white knight or the Disney Princess syndrome as
though you know, someone's gonna either come save you live off and
live happily ever after versus the reality, which is, you know, what,
we're different. And that has been one is necessarily better, but we
are absolutely different. And a lot of our lessons know that. And
the fact of the matter is, the more you learn it, you understand
this theme, you understand that a man in his love actually has the
ability not necessarily right now in modern times have we looked at
some referees have just love. You can as a man, like to have *
with more than four women. You know, you could have four wives.
You have unlimited concubines. This is the world that Islam came
into a concubine is not as tough as there are still the one created
us knows what he created. So man shaming for where they are and not
understanding this
significance of it I mean, one of the parts that opened my eyes a
while ago when I was new to Islam was the chapter in the book
Thinking Grow Rich, well known, but if you're Rich by Napoleon
Hill, because all important * transmutation, sexual
transmutation, taking that same energy to another level of
challenging and channeling, and for Muslims, there's also a whole
chapter dedicated, properly set to dealing with persistence, right?
But that's a different conversation. But understanding
that we're different stop asking why I'm not going to be a man,
that's gonna continue to ask a woman, you know, tell me what the
menstrual cramps to help me understand how it feels, or having
a baby or being pregnant, the body growing inside of you probably
will never understand it, I just have to accept it. But the sooner
we get to the acceptance part, knowing that we're different,
versus trying to figure out why a lot of times, I think the better
off would be, because the reality is we will prefer a beautiful lie
to an ugly truth, anytime. A lot of anti polygamy, people, but
they're all having affairs and everything else going on, instead
of raising a woman to an honorable position. They will go living
within their nature, but they are choosing the immoral option versus
the More option. And one thing Muslims tend to forget that if
shaytans biggest thing is to break up, a Muslim family, break up
marriages break up families. What part does it play with the people
that prevent them to even come together? What part does that
play? You're not asking the right questions. So anyway, that's my
two cents thus far. But definitely good conversation.
Just like a love affair, I think definitely we are having I think,
brother, NASA, I think you're seeing if you're if you're paying
attention to the chat, then you'll see that it literally is the
battle of the mic of the worldviews here today in the
comments, which I actually haven't seen before. This is really
interesting, because normally, most people who are on the stream,
kind of you know, we're all more or less on the same page. But I'm
seeing like some people having like they're losing their minds
right now. Yeah, I think yeah, I think what you're seeing is you're
seeing and again, for me, I always come from that that
coaching therapeutic lens, I think we're just seeing as people's
demands, and extreme thinking, right? They demand that it must be
the way that they envision it to be. Right. And that just is that's
going to that's a recipe for you upsetting yourself, and oftentimes
not getting what you want.
You can do it, but you may not get the outcomes you want.
And that's one of the points. The other thing is oftentimes,
unhealthy jealousy because it is healthy jealousy. But this
unhealthy jealousy, typically is attached to behaviors that are
destructive to the relationship. Right. And so that's that again,
but that all comes out of these demands that we have, right? That
one, I must be the one and only, and I must be the one that
fulfills all of his needs, interests and desires. And if not,
then there must be something wrong with him. And that's where the
labels come in. Right? And over there, then that means there's
something wrong with me. And I we sat down and something wrong with
us, when all of that is just extreme thinking.
I'd like to move the conversation a bit to the caliber of man that,
you know, we will accept has the right okay, because you know, it's
conditional, right? It's conditional, you do know that not
everybody has the rights to have more than one if we pay attention
to the comments and certainly to the way that sisters feel. You
know, I said this on my live stream, which is kind of going
crazy at the moment, masha Allah, but it is it is like the default
position. And the honest position for most women is that they do not
want their husbands to marry again, let's at least accept that.
Let's at least say that that's true, right. And I think that that
is the case, regardless of society, regardless of class in
general, most women if you ask them, if you could choose your
husband's American or not, which one would you choose? They'll say,
No, thank you. It's cool. I'm good. Right? So that's the
default.
Hello, however, there may be
a section of those women who could have a conversation about it,
right? But that conversation is very much based around the initial
wife's requirements, right for the relationship, what she wants, how
she wants things to be, how she her expectations, you know, her
standards, you know what she wants for her family. Now, I would like
to ask the two of you because certainly amongst sisters, this
type of language is very normal. And sisters will beat you up for
that says you deserve better, says he shouldn't be doing this, you
know, you know system will definitely come to the defense of
other systems and say no, it's the system you know, he definitely
shouldn't you deserve to have this look at how much
You've invested how much you've sacrificed so, so that is a given
sisters will always come to the defense of the system and say she
has the right to determine whether he does this or not. I would like
to turn it over to you to men to give your perspective on that, and
I'd like you to be as, dare I say honest and respectful as possible.
Because I think that this this entitlement to I get to control
how this is going to work. How this is going to go, I think is a
really big rock that's in the way for for many of the women of my
generation. What do you guys say about
hey, no, no, no, no, where I'm from we say beauty before age, I'm
older and you look at it.
Probably holding you off, probably here, hey, we're gonna let hair
determine that.
But mine is quickly running away from Hey, I got you.
I never realized that the Alright, well it to be frank to listen,
when it comes to marriage when it comes to a man having the ability
to determine or if a woman thinks she has a right to grant
permission, or have any say so whatsoever. And Allah subhanaw
taala either would have addressed her in the Quran. She's not
addressing the ground. Now, I talked about best practices. And
we you know, for those of you who don't know, we have not met yet.
I'm posting out there. I'm here to coach Fatima and coach and I've
been married to coach Fatima for 27 years been married to coach
Nyla for 12 years. So that means we'll get back to polygyny for a
dozen years, and we have a dozen children which includes two bonus
children that coach now that already had before I married her.
So with that being said, though, the fact of the matter is is black
and white man has a decision to make. Now he has responsibilities
of course that come along with it. But the man is still going to be a
man he's answerable to Allah subhanaw taala if you are in
initial wife or first wife, who did your husband have to get
permission from to marry you
know, one he had to make the decision maybe consulted with
someone, maybe he you know had a wildly or killed or something on
his behalf negotiating but guess what he had to answer to Allah to
Allah. That's it. Okay, any man that expects to be respected over
time especially, and he has to answer to his wife, his wife when
he respect that? Alright, so the old statement comes, at least from
my culture, saying you know who's wearing the pants in the family's
demand has one defenseman allowed to Allegheny specific rules may
two, three or four. If you fear you cannot be just the one. That's
it, it doesn't say one is best if you weren't new. So if you think
that's part of the ayat, please correct that because that's a lie
against Allah, Allah subhanaw taala. Now, also, the prophet Lai
said was wrong. And we know as soon as we know that he will marry
then he will, he will let his wife know later, he didn't have to tell
him beforehand. But again, where we come from when when it is the
norm over the last couple of centuries, if you will, or at
least to push that way, that it's best practice to have that
communication to be able to talk about as I mentioned, you know,
bring up the discussion, not anyone to bring up discussion, we
let women know they should bring it up, whether it's before
marriage during marriage, sometimes they already married you
have an inkling or an idea about it, have that conversation. Men
need to have it. First of all, to know who you married, you're going
to marry is this somebody that has some unresolved trauma that may
come out, they may have abandonment issues or abuse
issues, whatever type stuff going on, that will come out now that
just polygyny in the picture. Because trauma is very real, and
we for some reason or another have an issue or treat as though it's
taboo to get some type of therapy, or coaching or help or counseling
when you need to know who you marry bro. And sisters, you need
to have the conversation which man try to figure out what's going on.
So should that situation ever come? And most times it doesn't.
Because most men don't practice polygyny. Okay, so that
unnecessary fear and unnecessary worry is irrelevant, but still
have the conversation know who you marry, and how you dealt with it,
and how you would like to deal with it. Okay, but you don't have
a right to demand anything. You don't, right, it's black and
white, you may not like it again, we will prefer a beautiful lie to
an ugly truth, but you don't. But it's best practices and dealing
with communication and love and compassion with each other to be
able to communicate. Don't be the objective sisters. Don't be the
type of person whom you want your husband to your best friend,
right? Want to talk about everything and everything
nowadays, but when this topic comes up to get fire, we get an
attitude. And just you know, you can't talk about this one topic.
This is your hot button. They don't be surprised. You know, if
he shows up, you know, with his other wife, my wife has the night
just did a skit the other day about ways to have the hard
conversations about policemen, right. And one of them was that I
just showed up to the door with my with my second wife, and then my
first wife slam the door on it's kind of funny you put on a YouTube
channel, whatever, but don't give him ammunition. So I'm gonna take
the kids and I'm gonna do all this type of stuff. So you have a right
to do so and the slot goes all the way out the window for the armor
and obedience to the husband. Similarly, men
Just because you don't have to doesn't mean you shouldn't,
because now there's rules and regulations that goes into that.
And there's a penalty associated with not practicing it properly.
So we encourage men to be more than twice the man than the
average, what's the point of being average, that's the top of the
bottom and the bottom of the top. So I don't talk a lot into it. But
please, the floor is yours.
I'm the law.
I'm the law.
I think I think that was more than two cents, that was to bitcoins
brother, really appreciate it.
And the only thing that I would just add to that is, is you know,
what you were saying earlier, in terms of the default of the system
only wanting to wanting to be the only one.
And the default of if we can get to that point in default of the
system wanting to be informed beforehand. It's fine if it's a
preference,
right? If it's a desire, it's a one nothing wrong with that. The
problem becomes is when you escalate your wants, desires and
preferences to the level of a demand that it must happen. That's
what then produces. So that train that stream of thinking that
narrative, that it must be this way he must let me know before he
makes any decision like that is what then leads you to be
a firecracker when the conversation comes up, leads you
to act and a self sabotage and wait to the relationship. Hence,
which which then produces the evidence that he later relies on
when he makes an informed decision, an informed decision
that you may not like but informed decision to not let you know
beforehand.
Because he knows from previous conversation, those previous
conversation can serve as the evidence to let him know it's
better for me to just go this route.
And I'll let her know afterwards. Now, is that ideal? No, but and
you don't like it, okay. But it's not always illogical, why he's
doing what he's doing. It may be informed by the experiences he's
had with you prior to him making that choice
so that's just my take on
the issue of
soy so I'm really really glad that both of you dealt with that. I
would love to hear what the what those who are watching guys if
you're live put two Live Crew in the chat. Okay, there are 130
Watching and only 63 likes and you know that we don't play like that
so please hit the like button it's the least you can do. We've had
mashallah two brothers come in we've had other sisters and
brothers coming on live mashallah for for all of you guys. So please
hit the like button, get the lights up. Maybe one of you can
check the likes and let me know in the chat Kinsel time or somebody
else one of our regulars, Aisha, let us know when the lights get up
to 100 Please, because that's what we want. We're going to pause the
show until the lights get up to 100 Okay, put two Live Crew if you
are live with us and put replay gang if you're watching on the
replay. Right now the chat is going crazy with everybody arguing
about who's right it is and what should happen. And you know, who
has needs a safety net and who should be encouraged to get a job
so that she's not dependent? And then if her husband does it, then
she can leave him and all kinds of crazy stuff.
Says he says I'm not sure we had you are on my on the live loss.
This earlier in the week says so the reality is this guys that my
biggest problem, right as as a woman, this is my biggest issue.
That's my biggest concern.
That if we don't as sisters,
if we don't
work on our own mindset when it comes to marriage,
we just going to keep losing. Right? And when I say work on our
mindset, I'm not saying become more red pill,
become more of a doormat.
Become more male focused or male friendly. I'm not saying any of
that. I'm saying take on board what the Dean teaches us become
more Islamic in your Outlook.
It's really as simple as that. That's all I'm saying. We need to
as sisters become more Islamic in our outlook. Same with the
brothers not going to leave them off here either. But in this
issue, I think that we can we
can safely say that the brother's view on this is more in line with
the Quran and the Sunnah than Sisters of to date. Guys, if you
agree, put yes in the chat if you disagree sign up, right because
this is a really big issue, right? If we not even agreed on the fact
that sisters are today, that our mindset when it comes to marriage,
our role in marriage, our attitudes to divorce, our
attitudes to second wives, etc, are different to what Allah
subhanaw taala has taught us in the Quran and the Sunnah and the
Sahaba, then we can't even have a conversation. What's happening?
And what is scary to me is that sisters are actually convinced
that their, their attitudes, which I'm sorry to say, are simply a
Muslim version of a feminist outlook, okay? A deeply feminist
outlook, and to some extent, a misson dress outlook as well,
right? If you can't, if we can't even come to terms that this is
what's happening, then we are we're in real trouble. Because not
only are you taking your feminist baggage, your feminist lens, and
your feminist mindset and projecting on the rest of the
Ummah, and any man who comes into your space, but any man that you
married, you're going to project onto him, and you're going to
project on to your children. And that is concerning, because our
children don't need even more confusion. Right? This dunya is
hard enough as it is, the dean is supposed to simplify things, the
dean is supposed to make it easy to make our way through this
dunya. Right. And the only way that we are actually going to be
able to get through this is if we hold on to the values that Allah
subhanaw taala has, hasn't held up for us and said, guys, this is
what it is. This is what's important. This is what matters.
This is what you'll be judged on. This is how I want you to comport
yourself as Muslims.
I just those of you, those of you who are watching this on the
replay, put replay gang, goes through the live chat, play the
live chat while you are watching this video. Those of you who are
on here, please read back over your comments I want you to be
able to see for yourselves and hopefully pick up on the stuff
that's coming through. Right. These are modern, materialist,
feminist ideas that are coming through. And unfortunately, people
are bringing sera trying to bring sera trying to bring the dean to
defend yourself. Please don't do this said Why don't the brothers
who want polygamy only speak to sisters who are okay with
polygamy, right? At the end of the day, if we agree that most men, if
they could, would marry again. And we were saying that there's only
like a handful of sisters who are okay with putting any all Muslim
sisters or Muslim women. I want someone to come on this debate
now. And explain to me why as a Muslim woman, you how justified in
being anti polygamy. I want someone to come bring it.
And the thing is, it's your own personal preference and your own
life or whatever, that's fine, right? We know where that comes
from. But once you start bringing Dean and you start bringing Hadith
and Quran and trying to bring some kind of sociological, blah, blah,
blah. Now we know these are fighting words now.
At the very least, we need to accept that you know what, I have
a deficiency in my Eman or I follow a different position, you
know, like a scholarly position or whatever, right? But if it's our
own personal weaknesses, then at least we need to just take the
out. I'm sorry.
It's not good enough to just be to just be out here, basically, like
bleeding over the people because of your own personal stuff. Right?
My concern is that we have a generation of Muslim women whose
thinking has been tainted, not just by our own knifes not just by
our own lived experience and our own personal stuff, but by the
programming from outside. And as soon as we realize that this stuff
is programmed that it actually doesn't stand up to scrutiny when
it comes to like when we go and stand before Allah subhanaw taala
The sooner we can start cleansing ourselves. But anyway, that's my
rant over. My apologies brothers
and sisters and everybody else. No one's bullying anyone into
polygamy, please. Right? Most men will not practice polygamy. That's
the reality no matter how much they dream of it. The issue is an
issue of principle here. That's that's that issue that
is uncomfortable to me.
Like
so if you feel that someone is bullying you, what are the
thoughts you have around that?
That's that's the question for me if you feel as though someone is
bullying, and what are the thoughts you're having around
that? And do you have any sense of agency? Right? Can you can you can
you really process that and make a determination of what's best for
you were snot?
I just, yeah. I, you spoke about this before? I think we have, I
think, in some segments of our community, we have this victim
mindset that I think is problematic is very much
problematic.
Yeah, yeah.
Brother, Zia, would you like to chime in before we go on to the
next topic? Insha Allah.
Let's continue with this.
Okay, so one of the comments that came through, and it's actually
somebody said it in the comments now, is that acceptance of plural
marriage results in more wives for a few successful Muslim men, and
even fewer for everybody else you agree to disagree?
As actually, well, first of all, it's funny to begin with. Because
do you want to be married to someone that's not successful?
Alright, of course, you know, that is subjective, the whole term
successful, but at the same time, would you rather someone marry
someone with mental illness, with drug addictions, with lovely man,
but it's just her man? He might be a piece of crap, but it's her
piece of crap. Is that it that we're looking for? You know what
I'm saying? Because, again, the fact that matter is just because
some of the practices politically, yeah, that's simply a form of
marriage, we're talking about marriage we're talking about this
is something that is honorable, which we're speaking clearly or
something that's noble. So we might want to be in a fantasy
world as the old Xena doesn't exist. Right? The cheating doesn't
exist, but it happens. So you want to a man is relegated just to you.
Right? Legally, he may do other things will be when other people
find other things, whatever. But as long as it's just mine, you
know, again, that goes into the mindset of the thinking of that
individual, whether it's scarcity or otherwise. So you have a few
successful man again, this is the whole scarcity mindset to begin
with, we have billions of people on the planet. All right, in a
relatively across the planet, at least relatively even numbers, men
are just a little bit more now. It doesn't mean this is a male as a
female you match that's just silly to begin with. But in America,
it's a big difference, especially in my community. In particular,
there's about five to six woman's every man in a certain cities is
almost 18 and 19 and 22. Every single man black man, if you will.
So with that being said, why would you not want for your daughters,
and I'm responsible for five daughters, two of my daughters are
married, and actually three of them want their husbands to
practice polygamy. They've never been in relationships. Okay? But
they actually desire polygyny, they want their husband to
practice that. Okay, so am I as a wily as a as a Waleed the one
that's responsible supposed to go for average? Am I supposed to go
for someone that's going to be a good match and raise up and
whatnot, women tend to raise or marry up or, you know, at least at
the same level anyway. So that's just a scarcity mentality talking
to doesn't really vibe with reality. It's like say, okay, you
know, what, all the 10s in the night, the eight, nine and 10
attractive people out there, you know, they're gonna attract the
most individual, why don't they just go for four? There's a lot
more fours? Who does that? Doesn't make any type of sense, right?
Similarly, if somebody gives an example, there's a LeBron James,
he just finally made a billion while actually playing right? He
absolutely has the ability to financially take care of plenty
women, there are a plethora of women, probably mostly women, too,
that will be open to marriage or whatever type of relationship or
you have those the NIT candidates Who's spreading his cannon all
over the place with all these children, right? They know what
they're looking for. They know of each other all this type of stuff.
Nice, absolutely immoral. We're gonna talk about like Nick Cannon,
what do you tell him in a situation where LeBron James, with
the ability to be taken care of and all this fantasy lifestyle,
that now you wouldn't be open to it? You know, or are they looking
for a way for some type of security on his other side from
these men consider successfully or successful financially at least.
And this was this woman. This is what women are doing. This is part
of nature. This is natural stuff. Women have always been looking for
strength. I mean, that's where they get the whole, you know,
hypergamy term and whatnot. But we're talking to come from a
position of morality and morals in Islam actually regulating or
restricting polygyny because we will actually absolutely have more
than four I hate so there are many different reasons and desires we
have again, if you're given a mountain to go you'll want another
one it's enough what's our lessons know what He created us with a
desire for women and children to feel rebelled? All this is this is
clear. What we have responsibilities that go along
with it and we travel the world in the world in particular, traveling
right now. We travel the Western world. You see all these
buildings. You see this history. You read of these different wars
that happened in North
boarding and conquering what we have in this, you know, this
honor, right? This is it.
And then you look at the men today and they're scared of somebody
else's opinion of something that's more of a reflection on us and
what we think about ourselves when people had a mission bigger than
themselves, but a lot to have a clearly lets us know that there
are things. Allah Allah says, just fighting this battle is described
for you why despite the challenges you had as a child, that's fine
for you. Even though you hate it, even though you hate it, it's
possible you hate it. thing was, Don't you like it was bad for you.
Now, don't we also know that the path on the way to Jana is filled
with challenges you struggle with things that you dislike, things
that you don't want to do, the struggle, the stuff that will you
feel to tear you down. But just because you have pain, and that's
your truth, doesn't mean that your pain is the truth.
So we also know that the path of Jahannam is filled with the easy
desirable things where it's easy to do, there's no troubles. It's
very, very attractive and tempting. So we have to make and
have that balance. So should the more successful men guess why,
like I said, my wife say you have to do more than twice the man to
be able to handle it in a proper fashion because we want to do it
in a healthy way. We want to demonstrate it in a way that your
manhood and you're you're providing that leadership, you're
providing an example that will live beyond you. And the way at
least I found to be able to do that better. And with a family
that solid. That's togetherness. Learning these principles after I
came to Islam, is what polygyny. Now, did I get married at 19 When
I first got married, and no, I knew about polygyny, I didn't want
to practice it. I didn't attend to practice. I was just trying to get
married and do the right thing. So guess what I evolved, I learned I
grew and things changed. And now I will be policing 15 years later.
Was it easy? No, not at all. But was it worth it? Absolutely. And I
encourage every man to be qualified to practice polygyny,
even if they don't desire to, even if that's not a goal for what it
will make your view what will make it you'd have to be able to
communicate, increase your emotional ability and increase
your your mental stance to make sure you get money and why and how
in the habit live beyond you. When you see and hear about the
Companions who came in who didn't have money, and they were jealous
of those who happily started the blessing they would get. We should
be on that. Would that outlives us because three things follow you
after you go. And we should know what those three things are and do
our best and out of my 10 biological children, I'm hoping to
have at least some of them prayerfully Inshallah, to either
the majority of them be righteous children that pray for me. And I'd
be able to meet righteous, great, great children, grandchildren that
come for generations, and I won't be in this life at all. That
wouldn't be able to happen with somebody else limiting me if I
wanted to have six or seven attention during it. She's like,
No, I just want three, we're just gonna be stuck here and weaponize
* and stuff like that. Let me see me and my options, when it's
not doesn't get heard that authority over meat.
I just want to jump on this because I think keeping it here
for a second.
I think one of the things that that we can safely say and I'm
saying this as somebody who's who is just seeing it from the
outside.
If you are the only woman
you have leverage that you don't have if that if you know if there
are two, right? And you just mentioned a woman saying to her
husband, I only want two kids or three kids, right? You talked
about weaponizing intimacy, right? How much of the power balance and
I know people don't like to talk in these terms because we we have
we haven't you know, I'm not going to use the word blue pill. But it
is a an idealized, romanticized idea about relationships and how
they work right. And the idea is that you have a man if he loves
you, He will only ever want you. And if he loves you his main focus
and goal in life is to make you happy, right? And to make sure
that you're always happy and so him choosing to marry again is
like a betrayal of that. Could we talk about that for a minute
because I know I can see it I mean the chats just gone off
reservation okay, I'm not even paying attention to the chat
anymore because they are doing their own thing, guys is not like
you I'm very surprised that you will anyway.
So hopefully when they listened back to this, this will be
something that we can all reflect on. We have all been programmed
with this idea of marriage being you know, a purely emotional
arrangement, right based on emotion held together by emotion.
And you know, the quality emotion is the one that makes the woman
feel the best right so if if my house
Ben loves me. It's because he's doing this and this and this for
me, and you know, he has his goal is to make me happy, etc. Can we
can we just maybe just just stop there for a second and say, you
know, is this helping us? Is it applicable in Muslim marriages? Is
it healthy for us to see things in this way? Is there a need for a
shift? What are your thoughts?
Yeah, so but I think if you can jump in here, because, yeah, I
think I think the challenge when I, when I hear that is that, one,
we're displacing
the responsibility for how you feel,
right, it's not my responsibility to make you feel happy. As a man,
it's my responsibility to create the conditions the atmosphere for
you to feel a certain way, but you're responsible for how you
feel, because I can give you everything you need, and some of
what you want. But if your thinking is off, if your thinking
is distorted, you're going to have distorted feelings, which is then
going to produce distorted actions. So again, I I understand
and appreciate that oftentimes, sisters can be
guided and led by their emotions. But it's, it's helpful. And I
think this is a huge role for men in their lives. And why polygyny
can be such a benefit to women who've definitely made poor
choices in their lives. Again, not all, but a lot have is having that
men that can come in, that can make sound logical decisions, to
help them in their lives, right to be led by logic. So I think that's
important, I think it's important for sisters to remember, it's not
your husband's responsibility, for you to be happy. That's a personal
journey, you have to take with your own thoughts, because that's
what's producing your happiness, or your distress and your
discomfort.
And that contract, I think,
I think that's the informal contract we have in ourselves,
that you are responsible. And the other point that I would add to
that is,
since you don't want to, you don't want to place yourself in that
situation anyway. Because what that then does is that creates the
stream for you to beat a puppet on your husband's hand. Right. So how
he feels that day, how he wakes up, whatever side of the bed he
wakes on will determine how you feel
your emotional destiny is in his hand, you're the puppet and he's
the string, he's the puppet master. You don't want to put your
emotional destiny in the hands of anyone, whether it be your
husband, your parents, anyone, you want to be in control of that you
get in control of that by controlling your thinking.
But that takes work that takes accountability. It's easier just
to displace it to the quote unquote, poor choices of my
husband.
What's the new brother not
get the two names, right, rather than ASEAN.
On the leverage the leverage issue.
You know, as the brother was speaking,
we lacked a lot of emotional intelligence in our communities,
period. We don't it's not a class that you learn in school
whatsoever. And happiness is such a fickle thing. That is it.
Someone else's, not someone else's responsibility. But it's very,
very fickle. For example,
if you have a child or you yourself, were a child at one
time, you probably done something called the happy dance. Usually,
if there's food or a favorite meal, and you might dance be happy
that you get this gift or this food, right? And it's interesting,
because I'd recently learn it, but our body has what 11 million
sensory receptors in 10 million. Your eyes, eye Timmy eyes. Now, at
the same time no neurology is or come out with information that
talks about you know, the part of our brain I forget the part I have
to go check my notes that actually has a desire or a want for
something is actually larger than the part that actually likes
something so many times the desire is more pleasurable and fires off
more hormones like dopamine and positive cocktails and our body
can actually experiencing it. So I said all that, to say that one
situation
can be the absolute same for multiple people, but the different
ways they look at it and the meaning that we have the power to
assign to it changes. So when it comes to being happy about
something, they're perfectly said to let us know, to say how
wonderful or how wondrous is the fear of the believer, when
something good happens when we remember Allah to Allah he is
rewarded when something bad happens and he remembers a lot
time is rewarded. Right? So anything but
We have to pick up on that perspective. We have that
freewill. See, when I thought and we're talking about freewill
coming up again, I was raised Christian Christian school. You
know, it's okay, we have free will. So I used to think at a
shallow perspective that that just simply means what I believe you'd
have the choice to believe this and I believe that. But in
reality, we create our own worlds. We create what meaning to put
behind things, when you look at polygyny is simply a form of
marriage. So if you are anti politically, you are absolutely
against a form of marriage.
I'm making it plain. Whether you like it or whether you're not
being pro polygyny is not being anti monogamy with Islam is pro
marriage, regardless, the fact is, the meaning we put behind stuff,
the societal condition that we put behind stuff, a lot of the
feminist language says us, we for some reason, forget that shaitan
knows the game. I think it was even a jazzy who said, say Tom
says three things about the son of that. He says Know what, one, I'm
old. And you're new. I'm old and you're new. Right? Me He knows our
vices He knows our game, right? He says, You distracted. And I I have
one goal he spoke is we know there's an open enemy to us.
Right? But we forget that even exists. So when you whisper which
is our consciousness, or intuition sometimes, right? The third thing
you say not to see you, you can't see me.
So these are the three things they turn it again, you know, even
drowsy Rahim Allah said, I can see you, you can't see me. I'm old and
you're new. And I have one is going to get distracted.
So if we're thinking of our emotions, and looking for anybody
outside of it, except Allah to Allah Who created us, except the
one to whom we want to get back into a salon, the we are doing
ourselves a disservice and not perfecting our man as we should.
So when people say, Oh, since you're a man that you don't have
to like polygyny for yourself, that's absolutely fine to have a
preference or no preference at all. There's no doubt there's no
problem with that. But when you start talking crazy about
polygyny, or having a problem putting excess things on it, we
have to get my permission, or I have to do that, or that's so
painful, how can he do it, you adding this extra stuff on it?
That is problematic, that's the meaning you're associated with it.
And some of that is towing Where do the lines of code as though you
know better than what Allah Allah says. So again, the whole power,
dynamic demand has been given this leadership role, this man role for
a reason.
And if we are operating in our as our natural sales of being
truthful, you may not like some things you can make up here. When
you have your own world and university, you can make the rules
and along the way you want. So now we as Muslims submit, which is the
definition of Islam to be killed?
I think that's,
I think that speaks to that post that I made earlier this week,
based off of the comment, right that our sister made, and the
questioning that you had up there that survey. And that
this is to say that, you know, essentially saying that, because
Allah is the most generous, he's going to give you a situation.
He's gonna give you your own. Yeah, most generous, he will give
you your own says
to be someone's second, third or fourth, that was interesting.
Yeah. And that's and that I think that's a narrative that the system
is creating. And I think that's something that has to be
one needs to be very mindful, because as I said, in that post,
you're, you're you're putting limitations on your lower, you're
setting a definition of box for what the Most Gracious actions
will look like. And that's, I'm no scholar, my training is in
counseling. I just leave it at that. I think that's, that's very
dangerous to be making these type of statements. Right?
Absolutely. We have.
It's a coat, it's a coat, let's just call it what it is. It is a
coat. That type of and I've seen it a lot in the chat today. That
type of
I want to call it like spiritual hyping up, where you know, you're
kind of feeding somebody like a dream. And saying that, you know,
anything can happen. Anything is possible. Like Allah is you know,
when you when you invoke Allah subhanaw taala, which we think is
we know this to be true that this is something you don't even need
to say that Allah is is able to accomplish all things, and Allah
is in charge of everything. And we know this to be true. But when you
now take that concept of Allah's Majesty and His might, and you
kind of turn it on to your idealized situation and your dream
and your fantasy and you say I have a fantasy of of getting
pregnant at 50 and Allah is capable of all things
Anything can happen. So what are you doing? Right You know, it's
it's, it's, I don't want to say it's disingenuous, but that's what
it feels like. To me. It feels like people are coping with an
uncomfortable reality by quoting, a dream, a fantasy and then
reading a lot into it and saying what a lot can make anything
happen. Why not? It could be me, you know, but that's, that's my
viewpoint. Self love X Salaam Alaikum. Welcome to the stream.
While living salaam Can you guys hear me? Okay. We certainly can.
What you have to contribute to the conversation today? Well,
hopefully this hasn't been said. But I'm just listening to
everybody's comments. You know, I, you know, I agree with everybody,
especially brother nazzer. Specifically, because you would
definitely drop with some science as far as the importance and what,
you know, polygyny does for a man in general, it's, it's almost
like, what is it? You know, what should what children do for men
kind of given an old man strength, you know, taking on more
responsibility with women probably gives you more emotional
intelligence and maturity. So I definitely want to echo that. But
a couple things that I just wanted to add to the conversation, as,
you know, just because of my own personal conversation with men and
women, but I think some things that are plaguing the Muslim
community is this this number one, I think, to what you just said,
Sister, you know, people, Muslims, believe in God, but they don't
believe God.
Wow.
Wow. Yeah. So so lost your video, brother. Video? Yeah. Yeah. So
that's, that's the number one issue plaguing our community.
Number one, number two, when people there's a verse in the
Quran, that people that a lot of says don't divide into *, right,
and a lot of people familiar with it. And Muslims think they're
talking about Muslims. But that's not true. He's talking about
humanity, because the Quran was sent to mankind, not just the
Muslims. So the solutions that are in this book, don't just apply to
Muslims, they can be solved by everybody, to everybody. And if
you look at, you know, Muslims have adopted, unfortunately, at
least, well, I'm not gonna just say American Muslims, Muslims
globally, have adopted the culture of Christianity. It's almost
become like Christianity 2.0 I mean, there's words about this in
the Hadith, and things of that nature. But, you know, you'll hear
Muslims say things like, Oh, we want to get married once.
And, and so what that entails that they do a whole bunch of, you
know, haram activity, just to save or women will, will save
themselves, because they only want to get married once, or they want
to do it right. And I understand that that's good in theory, but if
you read the Quran, and that's, that's our ultimate guidance,
you'll see that there are no verses that have
celebrated women being alone. And until Muslim, till people in
general because it's not just hurting the Muslim community is
hurting society as a whole. Until women realize the importance, it's
better to be married than alone, then we'll be able to progress as
a society. Because, you know, there's too much damage done to
women alone, when you look at how much women are in debt, and how
much the capitalist structures prey on women. If you look at, you
know, women, when they talk about single women, they spend more
money because they don't have any leadership to you know,
hold them accountable to their spending and things of that
nature. So we have to and if you look at the Quran, I mean a lot of
talks about polygyny, right hand possessions, I mean, all these
type of things he's and he gives women all women can remit the
dowry, like he gives women 100 different ways not to be single.
And the only reference that you have about a single woman is Sarah
Mariam. And even that one is not, you know, when she brought the
child to the town, she said she'd rather die than show be a woman
single with a child. So she herself she was, she didn't like
her position, she was embarrassed. So and there's a plethora of
brothers that want to take on a responsibility, but unfortunately,
I think a lot of sisters have adopted this, you know, cultural
this Christian culture, where instead of us leading the
Christians we send to have that culture kind of leading us.
Does that kind of head on bother anyone wants to respond in Sharla
to what the brother said, Thank you so much for for that that
insight. I just wanted to acknowledge my brother
The surf
and appreciate the VAZ Allah gives women 100 different ways to not be
single.
That's a book.
Well, I mean, it's it goes back to let me just add to that point we
have
there, I believe in universal law, I think what a law prescribes is
universal law. And women were born to be protected, not protectors.
Okay, so if you understand that women were born to be protected,
and not protect doors, and there's a very few amount of men that can
actually protect women than they should run to that protection. But
instead, they've chosen to be protect doors. Because there's
there's men, like you said, there's there's men that we want,
you know, can take on the responsibility. It's just women
choose not to take it.
I think that this is a this, this has actually become really
apparent in today's chat. Because
I'm gonna say this, and you guys can come from me if you want. But
the masculine energy is real today, by the masculine energy is
real in the chat today. Because you see, okay, there's two things
that I want to say with regards to what you said by the chef. And
that is, one of them is, in today's society, even sisters,
sisters and women in general, but even sisters do not see the
utility of a man.
Unless he's fully providing financially. And guys, you can
come in the comments, tell us what you think. Right. But what I'm
seeing and what I'm hearing, and I'm seeing comment after comment,
right, which is putting this idea that if a man is not providing
financially, like the whole thing, he's worthless, we don't need him.
Okay. Well, I don't mean, well, let me let me. Let me let me
interject with that. Unfortunately, unfortunately, that
is true. For I would say 80% of brothers, because men have no idea
how to display and Trinsic masculinity, men lack integrity,
men lack leadership, men lack the, you know, there's a lot of there's
a lot of intrinsic value that men have that is outside of their
ability, outside of their utility that men were never taught or have
no desire to learn. So they lead with their money, because that's
all they have. It's kind of like with women, women have women don't
know a lot of modern women don't know how to support a combinate,
collaborate, complement a man cooperate with a man, so they lead
with *. And that's all they have. So there's some deficiencies
going on both men and women. And so, and, and, and to me, it all
boils down to the lack of true moral guidance. Getting back to
the point of that we don't we believe in God, we don't believe
God. Because you see, people are chasing happiness, the women are
chasing happiness. And the men are chasing the women. Instead, men
should be leading them towards contentment. And then women should
be following. And we don't know. And as a society, we don't know
the difference between contentment and happiness. And it's a huge
difference. Happiness has diminishing returns, you know, the
analogy I give is, happiness is like chasing a high, you'll never
be satisfied and you can't be high. 24/7 No, no. So So
contentment is like sobriety. You have to you have to appreciate
sobriety, and you can be sober for the rest of your life and enjoy
it. Yeah, but you have to understand how to do it. And I
think we're lacking in that. I think you hit on the point. The
second point that I wanted to make which was one sisters, women in
general feeling that that you know, basically what is the use of
a man what is the point of him? If he's not paying for everything,
then you know, I don't need a man around. I don't need no man really
like sisters, you guys, you know, you know, you know that this is
the right but But wait. The second point I wanted to make was the
issue of as you exactly as you said, A man comes with more than
just a paycheck, right? A man who is in his masculine comes with far
more than just the financial peace. But as you said, if the
brothers are not coming with their masculine frame if they're not
based on the Drina they're not responsible and taking their
responsibility seriously, financially and otherwise. Then we
are in a situation where sisters are like, Well, what do I need you
around for? And you don't bring you don't bring money. You don't
bring structure. You don't bring routine. You don't bring
discipline. You don't bring a higher level of anything. What am
I supposed to do with you? Right but there's you still want to be
that
The leader, you still want to be the emir, like, make it make
sense? Well, well, you're right. And to add to that point, it's the
you know, we live in a civilized world where women can provide
their own, they got good jobs. Yeah. They live in gated
communities. So they don't necessarily they got maced, they
got access to guns, so they don't need protection. They don't need
provision. So as a man, if you're not establishing yourself as a
leader providing routine discipline, then number one, your
a woman's right, she doesn't need you. But But so that's the man.
That's the man's responsibility. But the problem with women is that
they don't even know how to they reject that type of man, like
women, women, there's a saying that women don't want the men that
they need.
And, and so
if you ask the average woman, and I'll ask, I'll ask you sisters,
what's the difference between?
What's the difference between a man who cares? Like, how does a
How does a woman discern the difference between a man who cares
about her versus a man who just wants to, you know, use her for
her? Use her for *? Because both of those guys provide will
protect, tell you nice things? How does it? How does it How does a
woman tell the difference between those two type of guys and your
opinion?
The question is a bit. I'm not fully grasping the question.
Because when you say that women want, women don't want the men
that they need,
you're referring to masculine men? No, no, I'm, I'm going to
enlighten the audience. Because I asked this to my three sisters.
And you know, a lot of women will complain about meeting the wrong
guy, or, you know, they make mistakes early in life. And they
say, Well, yeah, yeah, like they said that the F boys that they
couldn't tell a difference, like, you know, all guys, you know, are
nice. All guys say, you know, say all the right things they provide,
you know, so how does a woman tell the difference between the good
guy from the bad guys, and they couldn't figure it out? And so,
and I don't even know how I figured it out. But I wanted to
propose a theory, because I think it's the right answer. But also,
before I give the answer, I wanted to get your thoughts. So does that
make sense now? If it makes sense, I'm not sure in terms of the
context with with with Muslims. I don't know how it plays out.
Because I think most sisters on here are that the issue of
provision is always a big deal. And its provision in marriage,
right? So yes, in the larger society, there is that you know,
going for the wrong guy, as you said, going for the guys who've
got the swag but don't really have what she needs. But again, brother
Nason and I we disagree. We disagree on the issue of you know,
kind of what sisters do and whose sisters are so maybe
this is important for you just don't don't lose your your point.
With just because this is a background, it's important you
sister Nyima has a very, very as I would say limited view of what
constitutes sisters. My definition of Sisters is very expansive. I
eat those of our sisters that believe in Allah and His
Messenger, but also may be out in those streets. Well,
those sisters are also in the box of sisters for me, sister 19. Let
me just limited a little bit more and not really include our sisters
that may be out in those streets. What? Well, I will say that the
prescription that a lot reveals to mankind is more on the expansive
tip. Because when he wants to specify an audience, he'll say,
Oh, you, Oh, you who believe. And those are the believers. But but
that's very rare. Most of it is expansive, and it's for the
general public, regardless of faith. And so, so what so, so
much, but the answer to the question based on what my you
know, my personal experience, and just from having this question,
but the difference between a man that cares about you, versus the
man that doesn't are the is the man that corrects you, and coaches
you cares about you? And the guy and the guy who doesn't? He
doesn't, because you gotta think about it. There's a saying that
says a Christian verb, Christian bible verse, Spare the rod, spoil
the child. And so any man who marries a woman, he's armed, he's
signing up to be a coach to a certain extent, he's dealing with
you. And for most guys, you know, the old saying is that men pay
prostitutes to leave. So we don't have to deal with you
So a lot of women don't understand that, that when that man is
coaching them, and trying to lead them and establish masculinity and
routine and structure, they reject that man.
They resent he's controlling, he's controlling, toxic. It was a
narcissist. I couldn't be free. I couldn't be myself. Yeah, I mean,
yeah, you got it. And so and the reason why is because a lot of
them lack that understanding in their homes because their fathers
weren't in it. And so Oh, they fathers were in it, but we're
passive. Correct, which happens a lot. Correct. So so, you know, and
this and I think men can understand this concept a little
bit better, because we get exposed to tough love, and coaching and
team sports a lot more than women do. So we've had that tough coach
that was on us, and then we realize how beneficial it was, but
women, especially the more attractive women, you know, the
more attractive a woman is, the more empowered she is she becomes,
the more murderer she gets away with, the less coaching she's
going to receive. Because her beauty is just going to make it
difficult for a man or rather just say, You know what, it ain't worth
it. Let me just get to business. Yeah, girl girl power. You got it.
Girl strong woman. Yes. You got it girl. Yes.
This boss chick energy. I have to speak on this guys, because I've
been seeing this in some of our spaces, even in the Muslim space.
And of course, in general culture. You know, and I've said this
before, is that the the type of feminism feminism in general, but
certainly the feminism of today. It breeds a certain level of
entitlement, which is very unattractive in general, right?
But it's especially on attractive to men. And if you are
heterosexual, then that is a bit of an issue. Okay. You may say, I
don't need a man's approval, why should I care what men think,
which is to say as well, and when I say sisters, in this context, I
actually mean sisters who consider themselves practicing. I'm not
talking about sisters who are like out there doing whatever. I mean,
sisters, who you see they're wearing hijab, they quote Quran
they quote, Hadith, but they will say things like, we don't care
what men think. We are not here to worship men. We don't need a man's
approval. Right. And as I've said before, why is that a straight
textbook feminism coming through? Right, that is straight textbook
anti patriarchy. Qlm. Right. Well, so Well, let me let me, let me add
to that point, if unattractive and homosexual relationships, in fact,
you know, that's one of the that's one of the signs of a law that
homosexuality isn't sustainable, because homosexual communities,
they understand gender roles better than heterosexual
communities. Do you see their successful relationship? The man
or, you know, he's clearly got the pants on he that those gender
roles are clearly defined, and our relationship and heterosexual you
know, we fighting over who's gonna, you know, pick out dinner,
what have you, it's a struggle every day, because you got you
have men who are independent, and we teach women to be independent.
And when you have two people playing the same role, you don't,
they don't, they're not partners, they become rivals. It becomes,
you know, in sports, they call it a quarterback controversy. You
know, you can't have two people playing the same role. And we're
supposed to be independent. But women have lost faith and men and
maybe society that they don't want to be dependent. And that's the
problem. They don't want to play their role they were born to play.
Yeah. Do you want to jump in there coach, Miss Nelson, or coach
Nazir, before we let someone else onto the screen and go on to the
next. The next point?
I think I think well is you know, everybody's, you get the point. So
I just want to get back to more to the polygyny part and where that
plays, but absolutely, I like the use of is really young make some
good comments as well in the chat. But that's
by the use of is trying to get smoke. That's what Brother Yousef
is doing in the chat right now. Okay, I think we can agree with
that. He's just trying to bring the smoke. Okay, let's go to this
one. Okay, let's go to chapter two. topic three, accepting an
offer of marriage from a brother who is already married, is
settling. This came up a lot. It's coming up a lot in the chat. It's
come on, come up a lot in the comments. Basically, the idea that
I should hold out for an offer from a guy who's not married
because I don't want to settle and it's not what I want for myself,
therefore, I rather you know, even if he has all the traits, I'm out
because I refuse to settle. And it says in the chat are saying the
same thing. Sisters Don't settle. Allah has a plan for you. Allah
has something written for you don't ever settle. What are your
thoughts on that? Guys? We need some more ladies to come out of
this debate, please. I'll go first. Only because I'm going to
be brief.
Just accept the consequences that come with it.
Just accept the consequences that you are choosing to hold out for
what you believe you deserve ie the entitlement. And since you
might be right, roll the dice, which might crap out.
And it's just strict. You strictly cat litter and cats and dogs for
the rest of your life. Okay, let me hold on a second. Wait, let me
let me let me on behalf of the sisters in the chat, who I'm sure
are thinking this. What's so wrong with that? Wrong with what? What's
wrong? What's wrong with never getting married? What's wrong with
if I didn't get what I wanted? And what I felt I deserved? What's
wrong with me just being okay with being on my own hamdulillah living
my life for the sake of Allah and going to leave a house? What's
wrong with that? hamdulillah in like I've said on previous
conversations that we've had, if you can do it, and preserve your
deen and not fall into the Haram that says, Do you.
But what I find what I find is rarely do sisters not fall into
haram behavior. And or rarely do they not have mental health
issues.
Now I don't know if those two are worth readjusting, reevaluating
your standards and taking on or accepting polygyny. That's even
and this is with the assumption that you even qualify for it. That
exception as a second way, because if we're talking about quality man
and cautions you I'm sure you will speak on this. It is that element
of the responsibility.
Who I want to take on that responsibility. And what am I
getting in exchange?
i This isn't very,
right. So I think there's I think there's that element of so to
answer your question, I'll come back and I'll stop. Because I want
to hit with the brothers have to say is just this this element of
look, if you can handle the cost
that your narratives produce,
then fine.
Keep your cat cats typically makes a dude as well. When you get on
your prayer. Well, no problems typically come right beside you.
So you get your cats and your dogs. It's good.
I'm not a guest
I think I'll go second, I'll be brief. Because I want to hear what
Kushner said I think he's gonna have the best answer to all of us.
So I say the best for last. But I think that sisters, people have to
really dig deep to decide,
you know, what they want to do with their life and what our
purpose is in life. And, you know, I always tell people don't be a
sewer rat. And I mean, what I mean by that is sewer rats, eat, sleep,
take care of their kids, go to work and find food and take care
of their families. And that's what majority of that's a very surface
existence. Okay, that's what sewer rats do. So when you have an
opportunity for personal development, because sewer rats
don't get married, they just have *, sewer rats
can't, can't level up, go to college become CEO become leader,
they just, they're just 100% instinctual. So when you have an
opportunity to go above your primal needs, and actually go
towards personal development, which is what God is, that's
pretty much the the purpose of life, in my opinion. Don't resist
it, just to become a sewer rat. Right? So there are going to be
opportunities and all of our lives, we're gonna have to show
compassion, intestinal fortitude, some discomfort to grow
spiritually, and emotionally and we should embrace those things.
And so when you're single, and you're in your basically primal
needs, and you've had opportunities to grow, and you
turn them down, I think that that stunted growth to Nasser's point
is going to affect your mental it has to it's supposed to. And for
women who choose not to be in a suit, to not be in a protected
position. And instead of being a protector, you know, you succeeded
in life as a man and failed as a woman. And if you're okay with
that, that will be like the equivalent of a man who never got
out of his mom's basement
and live off mom the entire life. You will if you're okay with that
as a man living in your mom's basement, you know, women will
call that guy loser
you know was never able to create any
trend. No legacy can't talk to women. You know, a woman will call
that guy loser all day long because he's He's stayed and
independent role instead of being
Independent. So he stayed in a role he was born not to play. So I
will say the same thing from a woman that she stayed in a
independent role. You know, she's failed as a woman. So she's okay
with that, you know, I think there's gonna be some
psychological effects to that.
Wow, Steve, it's actually it's actually it's deep. This this
issue is deep, because I see, I've seen many,
many sisters online,
who haven't been able to get married. And I know, they, they
had wanted to, at some point. And, you know,
we all need a way to, to cope right with life situations. And
it's difficult, because
what feels good, and what feels supportive, and what feels like
the nice thing to uplift people who are in a situation that they
hadn't chosen. Like, at some point, they thought they would be
married by now, you know, the sisters who thought I would be
married by now I thought I'd have kids by now.
You know, it is a kind of spiritual coping mechanism, right?
Whereas a lot didn't plan it for me. A lot didn't want it for me.
Maybe this is a lost plan. For me, maybe Allah is keeping me from
something, which I think is important, because life can be
that difficult that we do need to believe that there is a reason for
why things have happened. That is divine, right. But it's also
important to self reflect and look at our own choices and our own
behaviors, to see if there's anything that we we did to bring
ourselves to the space that we're in now. And I think that's the
only thing that I would say is that you know, 100 rely on Allah
and cleave to him, right, because that's the way to keep yourself
from despair. And from feeling like a complete failure and losing
hope in Allah's mercy, right and in whatever good Allah has for
you. But don't use that as a crutch, to avoid a cold, hard look
at the choices that you made. And what brought you to this place
that you're in now, which you didn't want to be in. And if there
are any adjustments you can make moving forward, then be okay with
making those adjustments. Because that spiritual crutch of Well
obviously, Allah didn't plan it. For me, obviously, I didn't want
it for me, it can be a cover for you having expectations that are
maybe too high demands that are too unrealistic, having a
combative attitude, or just being entitled or just when you meet
people or not meeting people or just you know, all of the stuff
that we actually do in our lives that, you know, gives us a result.
So I guess I just wanted to throw that reminder in there brother,
because he
settling? The question is really interesting, because it's not
about being single. It's not about you know, what's wrong with being
single. That's not the issue. The issue was initially stated that
someone wanted to be your settling, if you become a second
one. Alright, so
you know, subsequent why consider suddenly? Hmm. And then I'd rather
be single than be married as a second wife. That's the logic
behind it. What I'm hearing and then what so that would be a
single Well, we from we Muslims, I mean, if we don't know the sermon
perfectly satisfied when it comes to Barrett, one, being happier
Dean, right? Just a little a few reminders can benefit the
believers, what is happening in this marriage from the summary
properly set up slow work, there were three gentlemen occasionally,
I'm gonna, I'm not gonna stay away from women. Right? It's gonna be
still a bit of hotel, I'm gonna fast all the time. And then
someone will prey on night. Because of some say he does all of
these things. And he's better than them. You know, those who don't do
this. It's not for my soon. So one of them is married. All right,
then, of course, we have your natural rights and the process.
I'm also married have a bunch of kids, he was at the biggest one.
So this is the urgency kind of put with it. Right? As Muslims, this
is our advice. Now, does that mean you have to do it? No, it doesn't.
But does it mean that you're settling? If you have a good man
that meets all these criteria, in the YouTubes and think that
something else is going to happen? We have to understand, we do not
define what success is? No, only a lots of other does. If you really
want to get into it, look, it's attached to this sort of cool
Rouge. Okay, take a look at this. These people who were successful,
alright, successful, will jump in the fire. They were the ones who
are successful. Don't we know about the prophets who were killed
even sawed in half. They were the ones who are successful pain,
dying shahada under the sort of these are the ones who will
determine success. The soul that we have in the body that is
currently housing doesn't even belong to us and he's got to
return to that creative. So I want to do as much as I can to get as
many blessings as I can.
So with that being said, we don't diminish me
Because now again if you're diminishing polygyny, oh, you know
he's coming he's already married let me let you know some let me
let you know some says you have an absolute right to marry a married
Muslim man. How about that? That's the conversation we don't really
hear about. Oh,
hold on hold on. Coach Nazir has chosen violence today.
But you have the right to marry a married Muslim man, he fits those
qualities and everything else. It ticks those boxes. There it will
be Who've you to actually have a good marriage with someone who's a
leader. Alright with someone who's providing property he met someone
who's qualified to do so that's what a successful men depending on
that definition of success we give it are going to live in the
successful men are going to work to become more because they GQ is
high, the growth quotient is high. And in doing so, in being more
that's when you leave a legacy. You know, or of course, you know,
you can go ahead combat combat addiction, whether it's *
addiction, alcohol addiction, drug addiction, whether you're talking
about being beat up, because that's not like domestic violence,
that being physically beat doesn't happen in our homes, or recording.
Xenon is cheating. You know, I mean, I don't care if you're
talking about people like Tony Ramadan, Derek Jackson, named
Reverend Jesse Jackson, it doesn't really matter what you got
somebody that has good morals, and has that ability, then it'd be
best for you to follow more of the Sunnah and get more Baraka before
your souls checkout date comes, that's what I was saying. I have
to, I can marry two wives, I'm more interested in getting my
children married. But do I not think that the way I have things
set up and stuff from our family, for the mere third wife, it's
gonna be hard for me, it's not gonna be hard for me, even if I
get more gray hairs and stuff coming on, it's not gonna be
difficult.
You know, but I'm more interested in making sure this next
generation gets stuff down. And I know what I'll be able to provide
bring to that person, but she got to be able to qualify to become an
extra wife. To me, that's more of a challenge. Nevertheless, it's
not settling in that entitlement mentality that we tend to have
just for persons being you deserve better. If I don't know your
background, your resume said what you deserve, how they deserve
exactly what you have.
But if we are focusing on personal growth, it we tend to attract
different energy and people into our lives, versus being that one
to just sitting there waiting and not being known or not, or not
other people, you know, sharing good qualities and what they're
looking for and letting things happen. Because of course, you
trust it a lot to have. You got a title Campbell first. So we let
you know the title Campbell, don't pass up the blessings that come
your way, just because you think it should look a certain way,
please, I believe believe it and we've got the whole syrup, the
whole Meccan period of what what happened for all these years, all
this struggle before progress, which is nothing but the story of
humanity struggle in progress. So anyway, that's what I'm saying.
And I Please, brother, Seth, go, it's actually wild to me that
we've got brothers on here trying to convince sisters to look after
their own best interests and actually open up their pool. But
you know, and there's this resistance there. It's quite wild
to me. Go ahead, brother. Well, I'm gonna add to what he said. And
but on two points, you know, with the whole settling component,
settling component,
you know, you look at what the, the non Muslims are doing. When
you talk about, you know, you got, they're evolving. They're taking
on situation ships, open marriages, friends with benefits,
entanglements. These things have become accepted forms of
relationships that they're doing. And I don't think they look at it
as settled and there and there are no boundaries, restrictions, God
consciousness for honor in any of those aforementioned
relationships, and they're doing them and they're doing them
publicly and accepting the brother mentioned Nick Cannon, earlier.
And, you know, you see all this type of stuff. And they're
thriving. I mean, they're, they're,
they're, they're promoting it. And we, as Muslims have this as
guidance. We have a prophet as an example. And we're, we're almost
ashamed. And solos, so when a sister says settling, it's like
you're frowning upon something that is a benefit, because let's
be honest, you have 90% of women competing for the top 10% of guys.
So instead of settling, it should be a mercy because if it were not
there, then you would have an excuse on judgment day you can say
on judgment if polygyny didn't exist, and was one moment one man,
then you can go to God on judgment day and say, You know what, I
couldn't find them because it's one on one limited guys, but you
can't you can't say nothing when you got a guy has four so I'm
gonna say women, you can't look at it from settling and then from the
man's perspective, men gotta step there.
game up and not be afraid to,
you know, follow God instead of following their wives. Because for
a woman, what I've learned for a woman, the only thing worse than a
man she can't control is a man that she can.
And to, to an outside of, you know, a man that's not led by God
will be a sucker for a woman.
Because, quite frankly, outside of God, more important or stronger to
a man than a woman.
So, you know, and I find it very rich, how women, you know, you'll
see people who are,
you know, a woman will will deal with a man who doesn't pray, who
doesn't fast, but
she won't, she won't tolerate him having a second wife. It's a
distortion in the reality is because her ego is I am God.
You know, you can, it's okay to disobey God, it's okay to cheat on
God and her perspective, it's not okay to cheat on me. And it's
become it's a, it's a disease from, you know, American culture
that spread within, you know, the Muslim world. And it's sad. So,
it's, it's, so men have to take it upon themselves to calibrate. And,
and I think,
if they did that, it's going to be difficult, it's going to be an
adjustment period. But if they're a good man, and they've done the
necessary work, you know, I think the good women will acquiesce
and follow suit. So, but that's the problem. So men need to step
up and make themselves more attractive and more, you know,
take on more responsibility, and women need to, you know, change
their mindset of this settling, because it's ridiculous. Being
alone is settling.
Oh, yeah. Coach, Coach nnessee. NASA, can you put that in the
chat, please? Because you've been taking several quotes for that one
being alone is settling. You've been you've been if you if you've
gone to you, as a woman, like I said, if you've gone through your
life as a man, and you've been you've been dependent your entire
life as a man, you've been in, you've been dependent on you're
living in your mama's basement and your cat, you have failed as a man
and succeeded as a woman. And as a woman, if you have been
independent your entire life, pay for yourself on your own doors,
bought your own brunch, paid all your own bills, you succeeded as a
man and you failed as a woman.
And if you're okay with that, and then I can tell you.
No, there is nothing to be said. I just want to quickly go around the
room and see and brother, Abdul Halim, please feel free to unmute
because you are in the industry in sha Allah. Do you agree with this
quote? The ones like me aren't ready to do it. The quiet ones do
it silently and out here winning What do you think? Is that true?
In your some extent? Yes. Yes, I do agree. Yes, I do. Okay.
And I just wanted to add on to the, to the point, the topic,
it doesn't just stop at people calling, calling, it's settling.
Because I'm actually watched a podcast, I'm not going to mention
the sisters, one of the sisters actually went as far as saying,
you know, the second wife is, you know, a sister with low standards,
you know, it's not just just settling, it's like, low
standards. So um, I think it also comes down to, you know,
assistance, Muslim sisters, we pride ourselves, you pride
yourself on being the primary educators of the Ummah and, you
know, being, you know, these, these high value mothers who
educate the children, when stuff like this hits the fan, you know,
they start blaming the scholars and other scholars don't pay too
much attention on the women and all of this. And it's like, Well,
are you really doing your part, as well as this, you know, and the
brothers as well, like, take a good look at your son, and your
daughters and understand that, in the future, there could be
husbands to the second, third or fourth wife, and your daughter
could be a third or fourth, or second wife, or even a first wife,
who's going to be receiving an incoming second or third or fourth
wave. Have you done enough to actually equip these children to
actually, in the case of boys to actually be able to look after
these young women, and in the case of girls to be able to cope with,
you know, the emotional roller coasters of accepting, you know,
these are the sisters that are coming into the marriage. So,
yeah, I think it's down to the education and I think in Islam as
well, there's a top down approach. I mean, a bottom down approach, if
you raised the children, right, you know, the future's looking
bright
that's all I just had to say. Mashallah, I love that. Thank you
so much. You waited so patiently to be able to get up
Stop, just look. Thank you so, so much.
Lots of shifts I'm seeing in the comments, which is nice. We're
seeing people start to actually kind of
widen their thinking, which is wonderful.
Um, okay, so I have a last topic here.
And this is the killer. And it was a huge one in the comments all
week. And that is sisters, definitely definitely, definitely
advising each other to just get a no polygamy clause in the
contract. That is the way to protect yourself, that's the way
to make sure that he behaves himself, and does as you want him
to do and that your mental health will be protected, and that your
family will be protected, and that you never have to deal with this
awful abomination of the husband marrying again. We need more
sisters here. So maybe we'll have to give the brothers a chance to
speak and then clear the room. And then let the sisters come in to
say their thoughts. Because I do think that this is a very one
sided debate right now. And the actual debate is taking place in
the comments. Nobody's coming on live. But what are your thoughts?
Then? Your daughter said to you that there's this brother I want
to marry. But I want to put a clause in my contract to say that
he can't marry again, what are your thoughts on that? Let me let
me take that because I do have to run a little bit. But I just want
to make that quick point.
This happens a lot. And I would suggest for women, do not marry a
man. You don't trust and admire. And it's worth sharing.
Do not marry a man that you don't trust and admire and is not worth
sharing. And I would advise men do not marry a woman who doesn't
admire and respect you. And if you don't know the difference between
respect and love, you probably don't have any children or nieces
above it.
I'm sorry, that tapped out. Yes. All right. Yeah. So you know,
children may say they love you. But then they won't clean their
room. They won't do the dishes, they won't do their homework, and
they'll talk back. Okay, so that's the difference between love and
respect. So I would suggest men do not marry women who do not admire
or respect you. Because if not, it's not gonna work
for both little parties, and when they put those clauses in those
contracts is basically saying, I don't trust you.
I don't trust you to do
to be a Muslim.
Because this is what a loss Allah has given you know, Allah gave an
entire chapter chapter 66 verse one, oh prophet that why do you
make that which I made unlawful law for just to please your
consorts?
So he dedicated a whole chapter to this to prevent us from you know,
a woman it's a power play. It's you can't do something that God
says that you can do. And you know, women will say, Well, you
know, I have a right to I have a right to leave. Yeah, you have a
right to leave but you have a right to tell me what I can't do.
You know, a law only a law is has that has that has that
responsibility
is heavy. I, I need to take like a few seconds for that. Because
that's, that's, that's heavy. That's heavy. Please, can you
those of you chime in on that? Because yeah, that's that's a lot.
No,
that's
okay. Well, we really can't as Muslims of course we have. Right,
so we have to look at what Islam says regarding it. First, there's
nothing that you can do to make something haram that salah, so a
clause that just says he cannot do this is already invalid in and of
itself by being in there period. Okay. According to three of the
four schools of thought that you followed when he was falling on
cell phones, however, there is something you put in the contract
like this. I put in my daughter's car, two of my daughters contract
one of monogamy. They said all right. I said we can't do that
because that's making the Haram or making the halal haram you can't
do that. And just as a quick point, that brother so it was just
said a little backwards.
Properly said it's not something that was lawful for him. Unlawful
is is allowed to have a dress and just please your wives. Thank you.
Yeah, sorry. Yeah. Thanks. Thank you. And you know, this small
little, you know,
but thank you what you can do, and what I suggested my
Notice this, all right, if he chooses a wants to practice
polygyny, they put in the contract that you must have a discussion
and come to an agreement about it. That's different than trying to
prohibit somebody from doing something that is allowed, at
least according to three of the four. But that, so that's what I
did for both of them. They said, alright, you know, I don't want to
practice playing, I'm like, You can't stop that if you choose to
practice it, then according to the communication calls that you need
to speak about and have come to an agreement notice of on it, then
you will have an out if he will, if he marries, without your
knowledge and so on. You can find that out, you know, regarding
thick because we don't make up fake to say Christianity. You
can't just have it your way like Burger King. You don't say but
it's absolutely or you can't do this. For a lot of other things.
You can do this, who do you think you are? Do not have that ability
at all. And even if that's in the contract like that, that you
cannot practice polygyny is considered invalid period. You
know, you do not have to other than not address the women. When
he when he revealed the IA dealing with polygyny whatsoever, the
pastor said, I've never seen any permission at all. And to bring up
this idea that is often misquoted and picked apart to fit people's
agendas. That when Fatima de la Hannah, she came in that, you
know, he was going to carry the daughter of Abu Lahab. Who
the corona there's a snake escaping off of Abu Jakob, right.
So she was hurt. My understanding started from some departments came
to her and this is in the hole you read. That's it, that's a little
long, there was a little said, I am not coming to say this is I'm
not coming to make something halau around not to make anything lawful
or unlawful as he's talking to a son in law. And as he's talking to
him, he's talking to him as a father in law. So we let him know
he starts his conversation with this, then he lets them know about
Fatima or Jana and her not feeling good and what hurts her hurts me.
So it wasn't about phantom or mindless feelings. It was about if
I don't have us to hurt the feelings of the pups of something,
anything that hurts the problem is a problem. First of all, however,
as you continue this discussion, it came to It is not befitting for
anyone married to the daughter of the Messenger of Allah to be
united in marriage with the enemy, if she had become less of a father
already died,
to be united in marriage with the enemy of Allah.
Alright, so looking at these different respect one, he said,
I'm not going to mix up the halal haram, he's expressing his own
opinion, there's a problem. He says she'll be hurt by it and what
hurt hurt, hurt, hurt hurts me, you know, we can't go to the
property separate employee it is not be fitting for the daughter of
the Messenger of Allah to be mixing the United image with the
daughter of the enemy of Allah. So we see these big three things, and
none of those fit anybody else. No mom at all. This is strictly
related to the daughter of approximately the last and only
child that was living during his lifetime. Alright, so this must be
unscripted. You can't pick and choose assume I didn't say
Christianity. I used to be Christian. You don't say a lotta
you believe in half the book and not the other? And then you say,
Oh, well, you can't be just anyway, you know, we can't be just
with our emotions. Because the other I admit that you can maybe
two three or four. And you know, if you can't be just in one, and
then you try to use this other eye and say, Oh, well last educate me
just here, then that means a loss could contradict us that we
require and trick on us. Come on, wake up. Look at the text here on
this is clearly dealing with emotions are in understanding what
you can't be what he has a favorite. Yes, your question? Is
the pathway set to snap happy? Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
So
he was sick. They knew
he didn't treat them unfairly.
So let's get over ourselves and our egos and thinking that we know
more or understand a whole lot more, or we try to twist things
before we twist ourselves out of this thing. Again, we must do we
got to submit is submission is not a dirty word. That's the whole
crux of Islam and Muslim is one who submits Islamic submission.
So very, very important to really understand it. So when it comes to
the fifth back to the main thing is that you can still be you can
not stipulate something that a lot of others allow to bring around
here. You can't do that. Now, there's ways you can deal with it
so far as addressing conversations wise and all that kind of stuff,
folks agreement and everything else. For what I'm saying with
FIP. It's not for me, but my other daughters again, they prefer
polygyny, they want the husband practice that so we want to prefer
to be a first wife though, and enjoy your husband is my daughter
say and then you have to marry somebody else because they want
their alone time time to do their things. And they see how it's
wrong with my wife.
Not, and they wrote that in their lives. It doesn't mesh for. So
they say that now they never
change their mind. But they seem to be pretty settled on that. Now
my challenge is for all these sisters talking about, oh, you
won't get your own. What a good man, I'm asking you seriously,
what are they congregating in certain place? To assemble Wally,
I got daughters that are marriageable age right now. All
right, my youngest biological daughter is 20. She wants to get
married. I don't know what he's getting out of his arm. He was
supposed to reach down contact with some brother don't really
tick, the boxes aren't capable of doing things that my daughters
want them to do. What his brother's hanging out there.
Because clearly, with the amount of systems that are unmarried, and
the best to marry is a Muslim woman who was practicing his Deen,
I'm not able to find them. And I have two daughters. So please
share that with me where they at. And that allows me to provide you
your own and all that. Let me know what I please, sincerely.
I know that was a rhetorical question, but I'm gonna answer it.
And they are married. That's what they are.
Good Brothers that 80% of guys, that women qualify for, you know,
only one for one thing. And the 20% are married, that actually can
lead them and make them a better person. So it's, it's slim.
pickins is, you know, if I if I don't have I don't have a
daughter, but I don't know five people. I don't have five. I don't
know five guys, that I could recommend to your to your
daughter, coach. And Assad.
Because I want to get all the good guys I know already married. And
the ones that are below the age of 30 are broke. So Blake good is not
a good dude. They're gonna be wealthy. You know, I'm saying you
don't, you know, men don't hit their strides until you know, we
like 30. So, you know, they 25 And still on it, they still want to
journey. You know, I know, I know, like to good brother's 30 They're
gonna be they're gonna have their pick of the litter. But right now
they need some they still got some, you know, work to do. And I
have I have a question on this one because I,
I have sons from the law. One is 22. The other is 19. The other one
is 16 Turning 17. And
this is concerning to me. Because what's being said right now is the
good men are all the ones who are in their financial stripe, right.
But one of the things that we've been saying on this channel is
that as Muslims, we need to go back to marrying our kids young.
Right? Because the Zina out there is real, right? And as you know,
people go through life or they don't get education and
experiences etc. The entitlement grows. So if you to as men, as
fathers judging suitors based on, you know, the good men being
leaders in their financial stripe, et cetera, how then do our young
young men preserve their chastity and actually marry? Or do you not
believe in in early marriage for for Muslim men and boys?
Well, I'm a big fan of it. Because, you know, you can learn
so much from being in a committed relationship, the the, you know,
the analogy that I use for marriage versus dating or whatever
they do. As far as you know, it's kind of like working for Fortune
500 company versus DoorDash. And I don't know if y'all have DoorDash,
or Uber Eats Uber, whatever. Yeah, they're both jobs. But when you
work for a Fortune, 500, IBM, Microsoft or Google, you're used
to structured having a boss working with others, clocking in
clocking out routine that gives you great benefits. You have some
discipline, you have expectations, you have deadlines, and you may
not you may not stay at that job forever. But that five years, that
three years of experience will translate to you to become a good
employee for the next job. But if all you've been doing is door
dashing, okay, you'd like going here going there. You don't have
no, you're your own boss. You don't get regular hours. You don't
have any time restrictions. There's no deadlines, you make
your own schedule, work at your pace. And those type of skills do
not necessarily translate into sound employment. And guess what?
No, no, 401k DoorDash. They don't handle benefits at DoorDash there
ain't no
you don't have no PTO, and no paid time off on DoorDash you can't
accrue those type of things. So being in a committed marriage
relationship, even at an early age has so many more benefits, and you
probably won't get it right the first time. But you know, the
prophet in the Quran I mean, it's a chapter called divorce. You
know, the prophet benefited from his slaves, his slaves.
marry he, he married a divorced woman. And this is on cran. So
this whole notion of we got to get it right. The first time is not
our son, the prophet Bennett, he was, he was a beneficiary of one
of his marriages of a divorce. And there's a chapter called divorce.
So we got to get that westernize get it right the first time, and
understand that we can't be a slave to perfection. Because
we're, you know, failure is part of life and overcoming it as long
as you're doing it in a sanction.
You know, controlled environment, it could be character building.
The massive coach Nazif, what say you
I think for me,
the the the issue going back to the previous, or this topic for
No, this is the early marriage, actually, it's the typification of
good men as being men who are established and in their financial
stride, and they are the ones that really deserve the sisters, right,
whether it's for the first marriage or subsequent marriages.
So I was just questioning Hold on a minute. What happens then with
our young men, right? Are we are we saying that they don't qualify,
basically to get married because they don't have the funds, and
they don't have everything in place? And I just want to find out
from everybody on here as fathers, what's your perspective on it?
So I think I think,
I don't think that that's the only variable that we're looking at in
terms of a man's financial status.
There's other variables that go into this. But that is an
important variable to look at. And I think,
given our reality for for young men,
they can start early in their teenage years developing the skill
sets, they need to be able to be of quality in their early to mid
20s, for marriage.
But again, that goes back to what are the parents instilling in
their kids? What are they modeling for them?
When I was when I was younger, so I had a number of
I'll say this, when I was younger, one of the ways I made money
before I could make money was I worked illegally, I worked
illegally at a baseball park, selling newspapers, right, the
flyer I forgot the name you have, like the brochure you get when you
come into a baseball stadium. And I was hustling doing that, right.
And so my point is,
if you're raising your kids to have a mindset of the
responsibility that comes with being a man and being a father,
then at an early age, you start instilling in them, those things
that they need to understand in terms of their mindset, most
importantly, so then by the time they hit their 20s, and 25.
They'll have some skill set that they can monetize. And they'll
understand the value of monetizing it. And that's also something to
look for when I look for when when it's that day for my daughter
to get married. Although I'm hoping that time slows down,
because she's growing quick. too quick.
Yeah, so yeah, what I would say is, that's what are you? Okay, you
need
man like it because we can see your emotional. Yeah, I really
remember when she was born. And now she's,
you know, older. So the point I was I was going to was, one of the
things that I'm going to look for is not so much not just how much
he's earning, but what is his mindset? Does he know how to
monetize his skill sets? Does he does he know the importance of
being able to monetize skill sets? Right, so it's not just about
provision in regards of how much is he bringing in? That's
important, but also understand a man with a vision and integrity,
ie, he's matching actions with a vision. I'm willing to work with
that.
But again, that's hopefully
along many decades into the future, but of course, you can't
leave it too late because you know, she's on a clock. And you
know, that wall is approaching. Yeah, yeah. messing with you. I'm
missing.
You're messing with me. I'm gonna drink. She has a while to go. All
right, brother coaching us here. Do you have a different
perspective on this?
I think so. I think so. Again, I have 10 biological children have
two bones children. Okay. So I have four daughters first,
followed by six sons.
And I have a bonus, and a bonus dog. So again, it's it doesn't a
range from ages 27 down to four. Okay, so we're talking about boys
in particular. I know when I got married at 19, so I encourage you
marry young. I mean, that's what you need to do. Now, when it comes
to money, of course, that's one of the parts of the equation. But
like, coach, NASA said, you know, it's the vision is the proper
mindset that matters more than anything I knew already. When I
was 1415, I was gonna be an entrepreneur, alright, just
because of some of the examples of my family. But I was always told
by the time between wanting to be locked up dead. So I was going
around the stereotypical Robert Kennedy line said, I found Islam,
which put things in order, and I'm like, I'm going to do right, then
I need to marry this girl. So we got married at 19 when I was 19.
So with that being said, so my son right now when my son, he's 15. By
the time he's 18, he should likely already be doing seven figures.
Alright, based on already what is on his foundation, what he's
training on what he's learning. So when he said mindset, the first
thing I thought about it when I said, I'm like, Oh, he's talking
about Doctor, you know, Carol Dweck, PhD, if you haven't read
the book, you need to read the book, or listen to it. I mean,
even the free, whether it's audible on YouTube, your mindset,
very, very important, it goes to a whole nother level, right? Or, you
know, hustle hard, hustle smarter.
If I can, if I asked you as a young man that's looking to get
married, what are the last five books you read, you can't list
those five books. That way is more important to me than how much
you're currently making. Only because when I was seven, when I
was 18 nights, I was driving a school bus, you know, school bus.
Now, it is what it is. But I still was putting on two different
books, whether that be the magic of thinking big or, or whatnot, or
understanding the importance of getting your money, right, because
that's two things you have to do two things that are gonna affect
you as a man throughout the rest of your life if you're being
taught that You are the protector and a provider, right? And you
have to you know, exert your personal power as a man today,
you're gonna need one you will need to have a plan that's gonna
affect every other decision you deal with that's gonna help you be
just stay away from the Haram I'm gonna have to have your morality
and all that kind of stuff, right? But here's the other thing. At the
same time you could be studying Islam to be teaching Islam but at
the same if you're poor, right you're teaching you're gonna have
some problems are not poor, you could look at as an acronym,
because that can mean passing over opportunities repeatedly. So I
know that some people probably in the comments of watching have an
issue that I mentioned the book mindset, my Kaffir hustle harder,
hustle smarter by 50 There's some language stuff that goes on with
that Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Kiyosaki or Cashflow Quadrant, or
21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership where they can go rich, right? And
they were always booked by these non Muslims, even though they
talked about this morning talking about Islam.
But you're like, Oh, well, we can just go here and get this
information. Did you forget that the Prophet alayhi salatu salam
said that, you know, wisdom is the is the property the loss and
here's the believer wherever he finds it, he's most entitled to
it.
You don't say we will look at Islam spreading this we were in
the sciences and benefit people is because we studied everything
around us that made us in remembrance of Allah to Allah. So
one having that foundation of Islam, that's gonna help you
there. That's the That's the ultimate success. No matter what
you do, whether it's marriage, your finances, anything without
Islam, it doesn't matter if you gain the whole world, but you lost
yourself. The second thing you need to learn is money. And
currency is really what we use, most of us haven't even seen a
touch of money, because there's six qualities actually make some
money. That's a different level. But then I will say, let's say you
went through the free series hidden secrets of money on
YouTube, by Mike Maloney. You know what's going on right now? What is
dealing with cryptocurrency right now? Are you looking at Fiat in
the strength of the dollar, or seeing about this collapse that's
coming and seeing what's up with the housing market, what the
Federal Reserve is how to properly set to slam said there's gonna
come a time when you won't be able to even deal in money without it
having the dust of real power.
And every single dollar that's in existence, US dollars in
existence, was only because of a loan from the federal bank that
has nothing. So it's absolutely built on nothing, but really,
what you need to learn what's going on with money. And if you in
that process of learning and putting that together, and you
being proactive about it, I can work with you to send in laws I
hope from broke
before they broke, but they married my daughters. Alright,
well, both of them, bro. Wonderful example, though. He has a little
internet business. He's working on some stuff and getting the
marketing down under the law, you know, it's about to make me a
grandfather, you know. So these things are important. But that's
one of the measures if you're minding, right? If you're
slamming, right, you marry somebody, you can marry somebody
that doesn't love you doesn't have this. But if it's Islam is right,
you still will be treated properly, you're not going to be
oppressed. So that's more important than the other things.
However, those two things are all going to think for the rest of
your life that's going to affect your software that affects your
Hajj that affects your actions that you have to travel across the
world. It affects your health, your stress level, all of that. I
also learned about the second thing, which is money, you got to
get that down. And if you're not on track to do that, or have that
ambition, because I don't know how to teach ambition. If you don't
have it, then it's really all too
The next one, but you could be 1920 years old and so on, but be
on that right path, if you will. And I know how that looks, walking
that path and learning that path and teaching that right now. And I
want my sons to be quality, qualified and capable of each
marrying at least four men and four wives. All right, whether
they want to or not totally up to them, but I want them to be
qualified for that. Because in learning about them, when again,
you got to learn about leadership, management, communicate, there's
many different things if you want to keep it, you know, so that
mindset is critical. But those two things you're paying down, getting
your dough, right. So to set it up, you have to have those do you
have to have your money, right and all that stuff. At that time to
know you're young, you don't really have anything like your
brother says, you bought your 30s and whatnot, even though that
timeline is shrinking with a different vast opportunities that
are available that we broadcast and live almost three hours, all
the different times all over the planet, if there was something to
sale, which it should be. But if there's something to sale
commoditize, then we didn't I didn't have that opportunity when
I was 19 years old. So the world is absolutely changing. And we
need to be making sure you take these timeless principles and
benefit from that. Those are the type of men we need to rise up.
Those are the type of men that are successful men, and they're
extremely attracted to women. So then they get pick.
So let's well I have to run but I just want to make a quick comment
before I take off that thank you guys for having me on the show.
But one thing you mentioned coach, Nasir is the dean, the Dean before
the dough, you mentioned that several times. And that's vital.
Because you can see if you don't have the you see what happened to
Wilson if he can't keep his woman happy, because he lacked the the
the integrity, the spiritual leadership to keep his woman
content. You know, Kanye West's a billionaire, his girl, you know,
you know how it goes. So Dean before the dough is vital to your
point. So I just wanted to highlight that because you said it
several times. So I think that's really important. And outside of
that, I appreciate you guys having me on the platform. And I got to
take off, but I still got my leg going. And we'll touch base.
Alex, thank you so much, brother. So if I can
send your salaam to brother Seth, in the comments, guys, to very
quickly before we wrap up, guys. There's a comment here that I
think is only fair, that is addressed. Because it is a big
issue with sisters. And it is something that causes a lot of the
emotion around this conversation, right? This issue of do men
understand that it's hurtful for the first wife, when the man gets
a second wife? Do they at least have this understanding? And are
they capable of dealing with emotional tantrums of the first
wife? Oh my God, I don't even know why I brought this up, actually.
But I want to send you a via if you don't mind, sis commenting on
this. Thank you so much for joining the stream. We've been a
very, very male heavy panel this evening. I'm gonna get into a lot
of trouble. What's What's your take on all of this that we've
been talking about so far? So I'm sorry, I missed the show. So I
caught up to it. But my shout says you weren't here on time. Oh, my
goodness.
crew in the chat. If you're live replay gang, if it's on replay
your family family. So you know, so yeah. And
the comment is, I'll be honest, women do get hurt when it depends
how it's done. I'd be honest with you, if I was a first wife, and my
husband came up to me and said, Listen, I want to get married
again, and I want to marry this better. And I'll be okay. I might
not agree with him. But he can't. I just need my permission to be
honest. But I will feel some way about it. Okay, I'm not I'll be
honest with me about it. It's not my right. But I will feel some way
about I'll be wondering, why might do something wrong? Is there
something you don't like is that you know, why you wouldn't do it?
What can you find in me that you can find in her?
So it will be some fun? So yeah, so definitely listen back to the
show, because we talked about that. Yeah, that was questioning
that that kind of we tend to entertain so definitely listen
back to the show. I will definitely. But also, and one of
the things is sometimes people react with anger.
So let's say rather than taking time to think about you know why,
maybe this is a good thing. For for your family, maybe it's
something we react rather than thinking about it is the first
thing is the reaction. Like why do this why this why this, but
sometimes is and also like I said, it's hard to let's say then that
he's mad enough to come and tell me okay, I'm gonna get married.
Okay, fine. We'll do me and you will deal with with two adults,
we'll deal with how we deal with it. This is not something that
gonna break our marriage, and we will communicate and we will get
there. But if I find out through my friends or through the
community that might have been gotten married, behind my back and
ever
He was talking about it or something. And I find out he
didn't tell me, then I'm sorry, but you broke my trust? Do you not
trust me or respect me? To tell me? And did he? Like, did you not
think? Like, it's kind of like, what did what what? What did he?
Like? How can you do that in the way? Did you not respect our
marriage? Do you not respect our relationship? Do you not respect
us as a unit?
I don't I like gave you the right. Allow. And I gave you the right
you can marry and it's in. And it's harder for you to marry this
and not hamdulillah there's a blessing in it. But I'm your wife,
we share, we communicate, we are a unit, we have two paths. If you
want to bring someone into the relationship fine, but talk to me
about it. You know, it might not be easy to conversation, there
might be hurt feelings, there might be argument they might
possibly be shouting, but we have to talk about it. So we as before,
before the sister comes into to the marriage, we are in a solid
ground. So when when the other sister comes on, I the resentment
and anger I have on you doesn't go on her.
Sorry. So that's, ya know, just just, I think, you know, what you
said is pretty much what many many sisters would say, I'm not sure
whether one of the brothers do you have something to communicate with
the situatie on that?
Like I told you earlier age.
All right.
Yeah, well, here's the thing. We are we are not sitting, we're not
the same. You must make you believe that we are supposed to
show our emotions the same.
Looking at somebody, they don't care, they don't know. And blah,
blah, blah, right? Like we're just dumb imbeciles. Okay. We tend to
go in, to emote, we don't go in to have a circle of brothers around
us, we cry it out, we talk it out. We want to do that. That sounds
really advantageous to us as men. And if you think of us and we look
at our history, for example, being on this planet, that doesn't
really help you, we need to be the one going out there hunting, we
need to be the one at war fighting. And so on time for
diplomacy is before you get to war. We're built on things that
protecting is not just something morally thinking, if you look at
your hands, I don't have calluses like I work certain jobs. But we
can't say that 100 200 years ago for the 1000s of years, we've been
on this planet. It's been that way. So yeah, we do know. All
right. And in general, that's not what everybody would make. You can
feel hurt. They can feel oh, something must be wrong with me.
That's the normal reaction. You know, they feel insecure. What am
I not doing right? This is normal. You know what I'm saying? Is it
easy? No, it's not easy. But at the same time, I can't shame a man
for being a man.
No, no.
Sorry.
Sorry, I don't mean to cut you off. I'm not shaming you for being
a man. The issue I have is me and you we build a life together.
You're my husband, you're the leader of my family.
Yeah, but don't you respect me enough just to come to me and tell
me face to face? Are you not mad enough to say listen, I'm gonna
match Oh,
tell me to come over say don't
do that here. We don't do that here. Why don't you? I'm glad you
asked. Because I'm gonna tell you. We don't do the unit man enough
stuff.
But
just just to be clear, and you can continue. But just to be clear,
for those who are listening. We don't do the qualifying a man as
not being man enough because what we what sisters would not allow is
for us to say that women aren't women enough.
Let's let's dig deeper into what exactly is the issue? Okay, okay.
The issue for me is, we are a pair. We are unique. We have
children together, we have a life together. I want you as my
husband, to come to me and to trust me and to respect him enough
to tell me Listen, I'm going to get married to someone else. And
then that will give me enough time to process what I'm what I'm
feeling. We might I might even talk to you about I might be like,
you know, give me time. I just need to process I will I will do
something to Allah, I will pray. I will ask Allah for guidance to
give me patience, or that I will do what I need to do to get myself
right with the situation. But that's my feel is my issue. So
a different experience now.
A couple of things. One I made without my wife now there's your
permission. I told her after the fact. Okay, so yeah, yeah, I did.
Now, here's the thing. You don't have to wait for your your
husband. If he's not married to an election. You don't have to wait
for him to have the conversation with him. You know, that says if
your expectation is that you can't have the discussion.
About politically regardless. Now, if you are the person that's not
approachable when you blow up at it, or he brings a little small
blue bow Phillips book in the house, and then now that's causing
all kinds of friction that you might not talk about myself with
my wife, I had
a journal and my job was out. And I had like a goal to have four
wives and all that stuff. Because I'm in business. I'm learning I'm
journaling stuff, putting goals down, right. And she saw it, we
had a big argument about it. And I'm like, You saw my book, and it
was like, on her desk, right. But I already knew it was a hot button
for her. But I knew also that she had good men. So she was already
talking to other people and helping them with their situations
with polygyny. Now, I did not, I didn't know how to effectively
deal with it. So I felt in my logical mind saying, okay, she's
Muslim, surely notice is there, this person is the person, so on
and so forth. So she will adjust is that the best practice? No, I
teach brothers don't go that route, bring it forward. And let
women Oh, you also could bring it forward to if it's on your mind,
if it's concern to you, if you want to wait for him to come
around, he might not come around. If it's a hot button where you get
all extra emotional, then Control yourself, have the conversation in
advance before you hit him have it later. Because what you're talking
about is a preference. And your preference does not define the
principle, the principles he doesn't need to know he could be,
you know, it could be a bastard, it could be whatever you want to
call them all throw up throughout the names, right. But he can still
go ahead and do it but as permission without even telling
you and let you know later, that the best way to do it? No, I don't
think so. I don't think that at all. I encourage you to
communicate, regardless how you feeling about something, and also
to maintain position and mutual respect. Because there's there are
times that someone will let you know, I tried to sabotage. Now I
know the wedding day, no, I don't want to be there. They try to
sabotage trying to go through all this other stuff. And they try to
guilt somebody into not doing. So that's some of the reasons men do
it. They know why it's not approachable to try to do some
stuff. And I know if I'm going to deal with all kinds of health and
emotional strength, we'll deal with it after the fact anyway,
when something is already solid. So that's just like, you know,
some reasoning, we're not stupid. So when we get angry, anger is
actually an emotion, but usually many times that comes from a point
of being hurt. But we're not going to cry, just usually not gonna sit
and cry and walk around and be all passive and just,
you know, say we'll get hurt, we'll get loud, I challenge my
authority, or my manhood or you're going to get something lots of
other clearly says, maybe we need to develop to the point to be able
to have that communication skill are being emotionally aware. But
that doesn't mean we're blind and stupid, we know it would likely
hurt. But you know, similarly, some people compare that to other
parts of your worship that may hurt, whether it's the summertime,
it's Ramadan, or you have these hunger pains is still a part of
the process. You might not be a morning, but you're still supposed
to be getting imagine. You know, it's just a discipline. You know
what having that communication is very important, I could understand
the pain and not doing it having that respect, I absolutely
instead, because I did it, I broke that trust. Now the other part is
we have this thing.
We have a marital identity. And I shared this when I teach you stuff
like that. And I've done some videos about it recently on our
channel, but we have the shared marital identity. Now the
challenge is, you are an individual for you got married,
he's an individual, basically, if you look at his two circles, and
then when you get married, you don't just create one to to not
become one again, it's not Christianity, you still have your
own identity, however, you have this marital identity that you
created together. A problem a major problem is we deal with a
lot of assumptions on what that means. We think, oh, this person
will do this before that, or I will do this. So therefore they
must do that. Right? Just looking at something as simple as Gary
Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages would demonstrate things
differently, like things different weathers words of affirmation,
touch, so on and so forth. We are different. But if you have this
expectation that when the time comes for him to talk about
polygyny, and want to get a man he's gonna come to you, it might
not come to you might not be his personality type might just figure
this way, may have had this discussion in the past, but you
might have blown up and cause problems and chooses not to. But
that doesn't stop you as a mature adult woman. And I'm speaking to
the women to be able to also have a conversation with your husband.
Bring it to him when you're not in a month or have any other hormonal
challenges by the way, men again as a clue, don't talk to me during
that time period. But just take that into consideration shoulders
out. Yes. And also and I also want to comment not this one the
previous us you had about the putting the clause in the contract
the clause about none. First of all, that's wrong. To my sisters,
I'm telling you that that you basically say no to something that
Allah said yes to. Allah said that's halal. So you can't be
saying that. No. So I'm sorry sisters. But if you want you can
like actually, when Krishna said really well, you can put a
contract to talk about it, to talk about it. And to actually say, You
know what, before you do before, can we have that conversation
before it actually happens? Can I have a communication something
like that in the contract, but not to say no, you can't do because
the
is not up to you. It is Allah set. It's gonna happen it's gonna
happen if Allah decree no one can stop it. So and also
the one thing is,
yeah, and I don't want I don't want I said talk to me. I don't
mean talk to me at the time. I mean, like me and you will have
conversation you can have a conversation with me. But first of
all, I have no problem with a village meet my fat I have a lot
of family members who have and I also know, a sister who arranged
for husband to get second wife, she actually arranged she found
the system go husband said, I have something for you. This is a
sister and when you to marry her, she didn't the whole arrangement,
Mashallah. MashAllah they have been there. So for me, believe me,
I've seen it. I've seen the success of a lot of people seem to
be on online, coming down on it. But I've seen the success. I've
seen the kids that come out, I've seen the families that come out of
it. And I've also seen the matrimony and destruction that
comes out of it just been to like a man and a wife, and all the
issues that come with. So as I'm sure you guys come in this
marriage is marriage, it depends on the people inside and how they
work and what they do that affects the marriage and whatnot. So I've
seen the good and the bad. And I have no problem. But the one the
discussion is something I feel like it's something you guys
should talk about before is, it depends, I guess, I guess if a
brother if a woman blows up, if you do this again, I actually
asked my sister this and she's like, over my dead body. So I love
that that's the default setting. Do you remember I said this in my
livestream on Wednesday? That default setting? No. Over my dead
body? Yeah.
You know, but like,
but you know, can I just say as well just, I want to bring in the
MACD because he's waiting in the wings.
And then in the chat, there's been a lot of talk about, okay, if you
can't put in the contract that he can't do it, what you can do is
put in the contract that if he does it, you will leave, or that
if he does it, he must proceed. And you know, my stance on this,
you know, my stance on this? Yes. Like wrong, like what you doing?
It's not about raw, right? It's are you prepared to deal with the
consequences of that? Because you're doing that? It's, it's a
power play on your part? Because you're like, he's not gonna want
to lose me. Right? It's, it's, it's a bluff, right? Because you
don't expect him to actually go for it after you've already told
him that if you do it, I'm leaving. Well, that's a threat.
Now what happens when he does do it? Now he's called your bluff.
And now you have to make good on your threats. But if you make good
on your threat, sis, and you've got a decent man, and you built a
life with him, who's going to lose now? This is the thing like have
you shot yourself in the foot? Have you destroyed something that
didn't need to be destroyed? And as Bibi says, you know, what, if
you said that he agreed to that, and then he just goes behind your
back and I would the villa has a mistress or marry secretly or
whatever. It's not the powerplay that sisters think it is, guys.
Yeah. So so please stop giving each other bad advice in the chat,
please, I beg you.
I also had advice if a sister finds out let's say her husband
went behind her back, and he got married again. My advice to
sisters, do not talk to your friends about it. Do not to talk
or speak to an elder. Speak to your mom, an elder someone in
someone who's been married for a long time. Somebody who's who's
whose life who lived life, not your not your friends, not your
not the those that will give you bad advice, go goat advice to the
people who's been married for a long time. The elders in your
community, even if you have to go to a counselor, whatever you to do
to get, but do not go to your friends. They're like, Oh, he did
that to you. You need to get rid of him. Why are you with him? They
hyped you up. And then when you're at when you've done it, and you're
left with you and your kids with everything, they will actually do
it. So it's like they give you bad advice. So go to the people who
experience who's been in a rescue, who's gone through difficulties
who have who have overcome situations. Those people know what
they're talking about. Those people know what the advice
because they live or have lived experience.
100% says I agree I just want to make friends, your sisters on the
sidelines, they're you know, they're just going to hype you up
right you know, that says How dare he you had these kids for him, you
know, and martial law like you're such a good mom, like how could
you do this to you? We know that that's, that's for most of us.
Unfortunately, our friends. That's where they're gonna come into my
life and I want to talk about this. But, brother, let's see if
you had something that you wanted to say.
So I think
yeah, I think it's, I think it's important to
to to understand that you know, one like as I said before,
We're responsible for how we feel, right, I think in produces our
emotions, which then influences our behavior. And so
so as a tool, something for the audience to take, it's important.
And one of the things you can do is look up look up.
Put you can google ra R E VT, and put in hurt.
And so RBT is A is a subset of, or some would argue the foundation of
cognitive behavior therapy CBT. And so what what the model would
say is that hurt is a unhealthy negative emotion. And
disappointment, however, is it's a healthy alternative. So
disappointment is a healthy negative emotion. So when you
experience hurt, the emotional goal that you should then set for
yourself, because you don't want to stay stuck in the emotion of
hurt, right? Because typically, it's going to be associated with
or produced behaviors that are self sabotaging to you and to the
relationship. So you don't want to stay in hurt. Your emotional goal,
though, should not be happiness, because that's not realistic. It
should be the healthy alternative, which is disappointment.
One of the ways you know, in which, whether you're in
disappointment or hurt, is actually what you're doing. What
is it producing? So always ask yourself, what are my thoughts and
emotions producing?
Is it producing you isolating, lashing out?
Passive aggressive behavior, the more than likely, that's you
experiencing hurt and staying in that. And so one of the reasons
why
that's important
is because
the way to get out of that is they understand that hurt often is
based off of this belief that I don't deserve what I'm getting.
Right? And that goes back to that entitlement thing. Right, when we
don't believe we deserve what we're getting, and we all believe
we oftentimes experienced the emotion of hurt. So then the
actual
challenge for you to do when you're experiencing hurt, is to
challenge the thinking that you don't deserve this.
I wept. And if I was working with you, where's it written in your
belief system, that you don't deserve? polygyny?
As in this is something that you know, I didn't sign up for and I
don't you know, I'm a good woman. I shouldn't have to go through
this. You know, I'm a good sister. I've done everything. But
all of that is something wrong with me. Yeah, yeah. Right.
Because remember, when my frame of reference, when my frame of
reference is that the most generous is only going to give me
something up for myself? monogamy. Then if the most generous is as
I've defined him, boxed him into beat. If he gives me other than
that, then it must be there's something wrong with me.
Yeah, right. So again, you got to come back to the thinking and I
would say just in brief, the emotional goal would be
disappointment that he didn't come in tell me beforehand. The
emotional goal is
is that that's what you want to move towards disappointment. And
what are the thoughts you need to have to get there? Does that kind
of fade thank you so much, Jada, for joining us live here the only
only sister on the life tonight May Allah reward you. Thank you
for always supporting the channel and just being here. When you love
it. When you don't love it. We appreciate you Masha Allah, just
like I love her, you know, I want to bring the brother inshallah you
can come up if you're available. I just want to just address this
system. Somebody called a woman doesn't need to leave the
marriage. If the husband chooses to marry again, she can choose to
forego all relations with him. No provision, no intimacy, their
priority now can just be the kids. I just want to say to that.
Why?
Why? Why should you forego your provision? Why should you forego
your intimacy? Like, I don't get it. Like,
what are you saying that you don't need provision anymore? Now that
he has another wife, you don't desire intimacy anymore? Because
he has someone else and maybe you didn't? Maybe that's what you're
saying. But I don't think that again, this is the power play that
people kind of think that it is because you're hurting yourself at
the end of the day and you're damaging your relationship for for
no reason, but it
Big. Yes, problematic l'enfant enabler. Welcome back. Zach Lowe
has already come brother Nelson.
How are you? Alhamdulillah? Cave? How come I have one of the name?
Right. So what's it to be? What are your thoughts on what you've
seen so far?
The sister getting very upset. But I have one thing to say is just
very simple.
If your wife wants her husband to tell you, I'm going to marry again
make it easy for him to tell you. I tell this story many times
before, I had two wives when I was 27. One wife, I tell I'm getting
third wife, other wife. I don't tell
why. Because one of my wives, I knew that she was going to cause a
volcanic eruption. And the other one I knew she'd be upset, but she
I knew she could handle her emotions in the correct way. And
that's it, you know, so and that's exactly what happened. We had a
volcanic eruption from the first one. So if you want your husband
to because I used to be very headstrong on this, and that was
no man should always tell his wife, you should always tell have
the b man and tell B, you know, yeah, man basically, having spoken
in detail with other brothers and their experiences and the side
effects that they have experienced as a result of that. Why at first,
why finding a way bla bla bla, my opinion has slightly altered on
this. And it's more of a,
an individual situation thing. If you're with a woman who is not,
she doesn't have to like it. But she just has to be sensible in how
she approaches the discussion that has no problem. But if you're with
a sister, who is going to cause you all sorts of problems,
then I understand why a man would not want to bring that to her
attention. I get it. You know, I get it.
You know, what, this is what I mentioned, you know, earlier, and
Matthias is explaining it extremely well, as well as coach,
this is like, this is why I push back and push back with the system
when she you know, with no ill intent, I'm sure was shaming
brothers and not being manly, or this concept of defining brothers
as being coward. Like we have to go beyond just the labeling
Because oftentimes, brothers are making that decision because it's
informed. Men typically make logical decisions that's based off
of information. We may not agree with the information, the
deduction, the conclusion, the evaluation that they make, from
the informed decision, the data, I'm not sure what you call it data
in the UK, I think you guys pronounce it differently. But it's
based off of data. And sisters, you give your husband data. So
when he makes a decision, again, you can disagree with it. But it's
not necessarily and again, I shy away from the label of coward.
Because it's just It's intellectually dishonest. You
really don't want to do the digging to ask yourself,
What have I shown him that may have contributed to him deciding
not to tell me. Now again, there are brothers who may not make a
logical choice, and they just may make a quick knee jerk reaction
that's there. But let's not assume all brothers are making choices
based off that oftentimes because this is the other thing and system
name ethic you notice one of my pet peeves and coaching see Nazir,
I think he was alluding to this. We also kind of have this kind of
Disney Homer Simpson like image of men and brothers that there is no
intellect. No, we're making informed decisions. We're making
logical decisions. the accountability piece is are you
going to ask yourself What have I shown my husband and Sister Sister
name? I think you also had a comment from one of your posts
that a brother was mentioning about how sister with his wife was
saying she was going to respond. And so that type of thing I think
you can understand, may not agree, but you can understand why if that
brother made that decision
to not inform his wife it would be based off of the things that she
said she would do in retaliation if he decided to.
I think everything that we're talking about now is these are all
like, mate guarding tactics, right? This is them wanting to
secure the provision, secure the man secure his commitments, etc.
Putting a clause in the contract is is a risk that you take right
because it's a threat basically, and you're hoping he's not going
to kind of you know, call you on that.
similarly, you know, saying threats within the marriage that
if you do, I'm going to do X, Y, and Zed. These are all ways to
stop him from doing the thing, right? And the problem is, it's a
risk, right? It is a risk. And a risk is wonderful when you take a
risk and you win. But what happens when you take the risk and you
lose, right?
Obviously, most of us are most people, most women, I say us just
in general, as women are taking a risk, saying this outrageous
thing, like I'm gonna leave, I'll take the kids, I'll do this crazy
stuff, not because that's what we want to do. But because we're
taking that chance that risk to hope that he believes you enough
to avoid does not do the thing, right. Do you know why? In my
experience,
it's becoming a real common trend is that the sisters who are most
vehemently opposed to the idea of polygyny not from a shadow
perspective, but just like emotionally, they are the ones who
are married. And the sisters who are most open to polygyny are the
ones who are struggling, being single. Yeah, it's a privilege,
right? It's protecting a privilege, right? And the reality
is, and I've said this before, the reality is, in the society that we
live in, the majority of marriages will be monogamous. That's a fact
that hamdulillah Yeah, it just is what it is. hamdulillah right. So
sisters, you can be very happy. The chances of you actually having
to deal with what we're talking about today are off quite slim,
relatively speaking, right. But what happens is that the narrative
within the community is dominated by the concerns of that only wife.
Let me let me push sister Nymo, as you might you said just now that
it's not always just as you can be happy. But there's an underlying
presumption here. And that underlying presumption is monogamy
is better than polygyny. Well, yeah, but that's the dream. We've
talked about before the fantasy and the dream is the man loves
only me, and he's committed only to me, and I will never have to
share him. That is the fantasy and the dream.
Look, the but the underlying presumption here is monogamy is
better than polygyny. And my response to a sister who would say
that is how do you know? How do you know? Now I'm not saying
polygyny is better than monogamy. I'm not saying that. I know
there's an ayah in the Quran, where Allah mentioned two, three
or four first before he mentioned one, okay, but then he couldn't
conclude by saying if you feed injustice, then just one right? So
I'm not saying polygyny is better than monogamy. However, I am
asking the question simply, how do you know that monogamy is better
than polygyny, I can tell you having been in monogamy. And in
polygyny that there are pros and cons to both. They'll
even tell you which one is better. For me personally, I would say
polygyny is better It has its hardships as well. However, there
are really pros and cons to both. Yeah. And it's not just like, oh,
yeah, monogamy is the superior choice. And that's not true at
all.
The thing the thing is, there's there's two levels here, right? On
the level of just purely what's better, and what's worse in terms
of what feels better, what feels worse, right? There's an argument
to be made. And yes, the both of them have pros and cons. Most
sisters would rather take the cons of monogamy, to enjoy the pros
than to take the pros of polygamy in to deal and have to deal with
the cons, right?
However, that's the surface level. What's interesting to me is the
deeper level, right is the deeper level on in terms of our deen and
our the baraka within our situations, and what is possible,
also our own emotional growth and potentially the growth of the
relationship. Those are things that you never hear people
factoring in because the narrative is a husband marrying again is
like throwing a nuclear bomb into his family. Basically, he's
destroyed his family. And that's the narrative and it's just as
mentioned many times Gordo eats Desikan off and on for the Super
Chat because I can offer thank you
to six out of 10 or more than 110 out of 10 Shout out Abu American
okay.
So, so so so again, you see when you said that, you know how do you
know that monogamy is better? That's
definitely the narrative that is common in society definitely plays
a part the conditioning, etc. But also because we are looking at
things in a self centered superficial level, right, which is
what feels good to me. What fits was my dream was fits with my
fantasy what I've always wanted, right? And I hate to go back to
this idea, which I mentioned in my live stream earlier this week. It
could be that you dislike a thing and there's good in it for you and
that you like a thing and that is bad for you. But like I said
whenever we're talking about people adjusting expectations and
mindset on this channel, we're just saying the Islamic the
Islamic like going by what Allah has taught in the Quran and the
Sunnah and told showed us from the example right? You don't have to
do anything more than that. And you know what, Allah is just the
name. I'm gonna bring it back to this what I said just now
because there's a massive double standard going on amongst the
sisters are called out for what it is the married sisters who have
who are in their first marriage typically, and they've been
married for a meaningful period of time. They are the ones generally
speaking, speaking in broad terms, who are most vehemently against
their husbands marrying again, right. And then the ones who are
divorced maybe twice, three times, they're the ones who are most
likely vocally open to the idea. And the funniest thing is, I have
this experience as well. One of my wives, she sought her home from
me, because the whole village became just became too much. She
ended up getting married again, as well as the second wave. Another
one of the wives that I married, she she was the first wife before
before she might be the first one.
And then the whole polygyny thing got too much for her bottom line,
she left. There were other reasons as well, but it was the crux of
the matter was polygyny. She married me is the second one.
She married you, was my second I want you once she left her
husband, she was what she was my second way. So the one I'm trying
to say is this, if you are a system, who is in her first
marriage, and you do have a good man, be careful. Yeah. And you
don't want Allah to test you with this. Be careful. If you have a
good man, you think clearly you must be a good man. If you're very
clingy to him, and you really hold them in this high regard, well,
then, okay, maybe he can be a good man to another woman as well. And
you don't want Allah to test you with this being divorced and then
being next man, second, third, fourth wife, and it's nowhere near
as good as the first marriage that you had. And you're constantly
reminiscing and you wish you could go back but now it's too late. I'm
talking from experience but like, I need
sisters not blowing up their good situation. Because they because
they don't feel they're not feeling it for whatever reason, is
like it's something we need to keep iterating because you know, I
Yanni things are changing. This is why it's important to understand
how to regulate your emotions.
Because typically, you you drop in a new coin, your situation is
emotion based, not logical. No, it will never be logical. Yeah. 100%.
And, you know, just just to reiterate on brother, Matthews
points, it's true what I said on my live stream, you know, when you
are the only one?
That's that's your position, and you're gonna defend that position.
Right. So you're definitely not listening to or open to a
conversation about brothers marrying again? Because to be
honest, you don't care about the other sisters. And what am I gonna
care about those other sisters? I've got my man go find your own.
Isn't that the vibe sisters in the chat? Be frank, be honest. That's
what it is. I've got mine. Go find your own. Yeah, go fight. Allah
will give you one of your own. I love it. Allah will give you one
of your very own, like, you shouldn't even be in this
conversation, meaning stay away from my mind. I don't want to
share him with you. I don't want him thinking he can even go there
with you. I'm not interested. Right. And again, sisters are
saying oh, they're being shamed for not wanting to marry and that
this expectation that Muslim women should, you know, should be open
to it is above and beyond. It's too much. It's extreme. You know,
we're forcing sisters to accept polygamy. It's not. But the
reality is this. And there's a story about this, that kind of
made the rounds. I don't know where it came from. But it was
about a woman writing about how when she was married, she had a
wonderful husband. And he wanted to marry a widow, or were divorced
or something I can't remember now. And she lost her mind. She's She
lost her mind. She was like, No way. You know, not after
everything that I've done, and we've built and everything and she
made his life * to the point that he said, call us like, Okay,
leave it. I'll leave it fine. Many years later, now, he dies. She's
now a widow. And she's alone.
And a man came to ask for her hand. And she was obviously so
grateful. And so so so happy as someone wanted to marry her and
make make her his wife and have children with have a you know, a
father figure and all of that stuff. Everything's going forward
nicely. But then the first wife said, over my dead body, no way.
No way. Not after all I've done basically, her own actions were
just mirrored back to her. And it was only when she was in the shoes
of the woman whose risk she had blocked way back when she had the
power that she could see. I was coming from a place of
selfishness. I was coming from a place of of self centered and self
righteousness. And I was not at all wanting for my sister what I
want for myself. I had no Rama for that system. I had no care for
that system. I didn't care if she died on the street as far as I was
concerned. As long as she didn't step in my house and take my
husband and have anything to do with what was mine. Now I am that
sister. So everyone out
They're, we don't know, we don't know what the future holds, you
don't know what Allah has written for you whether what we know with
regards to your marriage now with regards to what will happen in the
future. So, have a bit of humility and also understand that, you
know, yes, it makes sense for you to not want to kind of, you know,
not want to encourage something that you see as a threat to you.
But the reality is, more and more and more sisters, unfortunately,
are going to find themselves in that camp with the way that the
divorce rates is going. More and more sisters are not going to be
the only wife married to a man who is the father of their children.
It's unfortunate. It's a bit of a disaster for the community. But
more and more sisters are going to find themselves on the other side
of that first marriage. Now, they are the divorcees now they are the
single mums. Now they are the widows now. You're the ones guys
that everyone's looking at and saying, Stay away from Amen. And
then it starts to hit different
lights.
I just look, I just wish I had one. XRP for every time I heard it
says to say most of these men.
Amen. XRP army in the building. So look, it every time I heard a
sister who who says most of these men can handle one that alone two,
three or four says you just you just You're bleeding out. That's
all that is. That's all that is says. Engage the conversation.
We've been on this for three hours and 31 minutes. Is that Oh, I
mean, really?
Pardon me? Brothers just greeting for more XRP. So at the my
heart and my greed. You guys can buy him a coffee? Buy me a
coffee.com/. Let's see. I mean, and you can buy me a coffee there
as well. And anybody else who's buying me a coffee, it's
not even one thing. I would like to ask coaching and see the
question that stuff. And I like to ask
my brother must be the same question.
brothers do either the either one of you. And if let me put the
question out which path you want. Respectfully.
can either view name not name, but can either of you, in your mind
point to five single brothers that you would? You could could point
to that would be good for marriage? Of course. You can. Yes.
Absolutely. Me personally. Yes, I know. Apologies. Apologies. Let me
qualify that. I'm sorry. I didn't mention if I said that are single.
Single.
You just move the goalposts. No, no, I apologize. I wouldn't
know.
Because that was the point that Seth was making, is that most
quality brothers that are capable are already married. Yes.
He was saying I can't name five brothers right now that are
single, that are capable for marriage. So apology coach and say
I think you were speaking apologies.
newly single, I was say, two brothers newly single. But not
that I've never been married now. Unfortunately.
Yeah, I mean, you don't want them either.
There's
something to be said about,
you know, just being tried and tested. And that's when when
brothers asked me Oh, should I because I got married very young
myself. I got married at 16. And brothers say to me, man, should I
get married? I said, then there's pros and cons to both. First and
foremost, if you fear falling into haram, then you don't have a
choice. Marriage is not what was happening. Secondly, I love the
fact that I got married young because my kids are like my
brothers. Now, you know is that was my age, honestly, because I
had three kids by the time I was 19. But that has a concept to it
as well. The concept is you start a family very young, you start,
you're starting behind someone who is single and able to save and
then invest and so on, you see. So there's pros and cons to both.
But as young as possible, because I remember watching a lecture by
Natalie Hahn, and you know, this lecture is the old lectures nearly
10 years old, but he said something quite profound. And I
don't know if it's still relevant in today's day and age considering
the climate and how fussy women have become in the West. However,
he said, if you're a man and not married, you are not married by
the age of 25. There's something wrong with the lie this way said
there's something wrong with you. Now, in today, this is an old
lecture, remember now Okay, now in today's climate where women are
holding out for this often fantastical creature
He doesn't even exist, right? Maybe it's a slightly different
situation. However, definitely you do start to become fuzzier. The
longer you hold out, okay, some one of my wife's friends who 40
years old, she's never been married before, and she's still
not married. And now her expectations are even higher. And
what she said, she said, Well, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna break my
fast on a bus law. I'm not gonna break my fast on an onion. I've
been fasting for 20 years, you expect me to break my fast on a
bus law? So the longer you wait, the more you expect, but because
of your way, ironically. So just quickly as possible.
I have a question, actually, that I want to round off on. Because,
you know, I'm sure that you all have an interesting perspective on
this. And I think Brother Matty, you mentioned that after the first
wife, or the initial wife, this is this is coaches use language
verbiage, the initial wife, after your initial wife, if you marry
subsequent wives, your criteria goes down, like you become less
fussy. Right? You still feel that's the case that you can you
talk to that? Yeah. 100%. Zero is like, hey, no, no, no. I think
there may be some different views on this. And what's your take on
that? If you've never been married, if you've never been
married before? Okay. You are looking for a woman to take the
majority of your boxes, especially if you want to have a family with
her. But let's say you're you've had children younger, you're a man
and you've had two children, and you're not even interested in
having more children. I'm not saying that's the case for me,
because it's not. But a lot of men don't want to have 20 kids. I want
to have 20 kids, most men don't want to have 20 kids. It's like,
okay, I don't want to have more, more children. Yeah, unless she's
got some children of her own fine. Okay. She's not as young as I'd
like her to be, but we're not gonna have kids. So he starts
bringing the bar down. Do you see? That doesn't mean it's going to
compromise on important deal breaker values. For example, for
me the most important thing to me after her Dean and and the basics
Yeah, and he is it she doesn't have a does she have a baseline
level of attractiveness colors? I'm not very fuzzy on baseline is
okay.
Is she nice?
If you're not nice if you're not a nice woman, I don't want to know
you. Period. Are you nice? What do I mean by nice? Are you friendly,
agreeable? Nice. This is such a massive thing for me. Aside from
that, mushy.
Okay, what do you guys say? Coach? Nazim? You've got two slots, I
believe. So do you have like, a laundry list and fill them? Is it
going to be easy for someone to just slide in those? What's
happening
is
the qualifications. From my perspective, again, I'm a man, I'm
46. So I have less tolerance for shenanigans, if you will. So it
doesn't mean I have higher expectations. So that means now
you're coming into something. And it's a little different because
now you know, being traveling the world and dealing with so many
different things, is that you have to come in and be fitting a
specific role. Again, when you first get me into polygyny, it's
different, you're brand new, when you first get married, you have a
lot of love with somebody else. And you may have all these dreams,
but you don't know anything. If you you know, so far as marriage
is concerned, you might have relationships, marriage is
different, you get to monogamy, it is what it is you're learning and
going you're growing as a person I did, then 15 years later got
married to polygyny, a whole lot of changing and shifting dynamics.
But now being a policeman, again, two are different than being three
or four. But those three or four are gonna have totally different
conditions, as in my first and second marriage, because I've
matured to a certain level where there's certain levels of maturity
things I'm not gonna we're not gonna deal with anything petty,
I'm at an age in my life. Like I said, I'm more focused on my
children getting married. But should I open up that third slot?
It's a whole different type of application process, if you will,
there may be you know, certain skills and certain things, but you
already have to come into it ready? It's not a learning period
anymore. With getting married no matter you know what preferences I
like age wise and beauty. Not that those things don't matter, of
course, but I mean, I'm not looking to having any more. I
don't I tend to buy lots of children to stuff. I'm good,
doesn't it's good. So I'm not looking. I don't want any more
children. I'm kidding. But not interested in that. So there are
certain things and tick boxes, but there's less patients I would have
because I'm not here training somebody else you need to go watch
out hundreds of videos. If you want to get on the team
onboarding video series.
From all your YouTube videos, save you're interested watch
the quiz.
Hey, you know they may have to but it becomes more picky for me. At
least in my stage of life. I was looking younger looking for more
children and stuff like that. It'd be a little different.
But even then, the mentality really off, you know, if you're
not reading these books, if you don't know who these authors are,
we're going to be on to the next one. You don't say because we have
more of a choice to choose from than the women have to choose
from. So those two spots are really precious. And I can't I'm
not wasting time. I'm not getting married to get divorced. I'm
trying to win with it and do legacy stuff. So that's just, you
know, that's my perspective.
And Berlin isn't nothing.
Yeah, well, I think, you know, we've had this conversation on on,
I think, the different podcast. My My thing is this, I'm not looking
to go through the onboarding process. This is what this is why
it was ironic to me that the sister earlier said that I was
hard on older sisters. And I said, you know, my perspective is a bit
different than the norm. Because, for me, I would prefer someone who
is older, more mature, right? Because you bring in something to
the table, I need you, if you're going to come on the team, you
have to have some type of assets, period, because I'm content. I'm
really content, it's like, it's like, if for those that are
understand the analogy.
It's like having the lottery in the NBA Draft, I got to pick the
first choice, I got to pick out one. So now anything that comes on
the team, I'm content, you got to play your role. And if you're not
content with playing your role, since I wish you the best, but
this probably another brother out there, that's for you.
I'm good.
So if you want to get on board this team, when you gotta get on
the program, and you got to understand you got to have assets.
Because if not what we build
I'm not bringing, I'm not bringing you on the team for you just to
ride the bench you get in the game.
What do you find by assets, muscle, meaning meaning. And just
by the way, it's important to point out is that both coach knows
their ankles, Nasir, they're the older them because he's mentioned
to 46 not said how old you are.
Brother, I don't want to say because coaching is it is gonna,
it's gonna rub it in. Because, you know, we share the same culture.
So by default, I gotta turn to my brother, because I appreciate and
respect the fact that I'm the younger and maybe my own mentality
will change as I get older and you know, Rich. Okay.
So, so I am 45 Oh, you know, my brother, Coach Knizia, please, you
know, be gentle. And Brother, I know the coach, I have to defer to
you. But anyway, so with that being said, but what did you mean
by assets? I can answer?
What is the so what is what is what is the vision? What are you
trying to build? And so so any system that comes on yet the Dean
has to be there, certain level of traction has to be there, but how
can you help me build
in terms of what I'm trying to build? What can you add to my
vision, where I'm trying to go? That's, that's what I need. What's
your stuff?
I'm a sister I want to apply to get on the team. What would you be
looking for in the CV that would catch your attention?
So what I would do is I would explain to you my vision, where
I'm trying to go where I'm trying to take the family and what I'm
looking for you is what I'm looking to hear from you is how
you can take something off of my shoulders.
I got you how can you make this lighter for me? Because the
reality as a man, I'm carrying a lot anyway every day. So how can
you come in with the desire to take just one thing off of my
plate?
Because you have something specific in mind I'd love to know
what that is. Yeah, exactly. I think people we need details right
now. I think everybody in the chat is like assets. What do you mean
assets? What do you mean bring something to the table? What are
we talking about? What's what's an example? So I was so let me say
this so so so sis right now so the system out there you you you're
playing the role of the systems work right now for a company as a
as an accountant
Okay, that's a skill set I can use and build it and my own business.
You can taxes that's something I can use in my own business. That's
an asset you bring into my life. right not to mention that you look
good and you believe in Allah and His Messenger, but I'll be your
piece. I don't I can't I'm not gonna bring anything done. Yeah,
but I can be your piece. You know what I say to her?
are leaning into or not touching say boo boo. I'm good. My wife
already gives me that.
I'm Masha Allah. Oh, thank Allah. Bye
it, um content, I can place it, I'm content. So you gotta bring
something to the team. That ain't already good.
So now, so. So again, as I started comment free labor, call it what
you want I call it having an asset. And if you're older you
need to market you need to have leverage mom giving you what the
leverage can be, you're gonna already give it to your cup, your
corporate husband, why not give it to me?
I'm not gonna think that you but I mean, this is you got to think
when you own your and you need leverage, what do you already have
that you can add to a man that's already on his vision and can show
you that he's on his vision? Not just his words, but his actions
are there you see it? How can you take a little bit off of his
plate? I think this question is obvious. What can you give her?
It's obvious he's going to take her on provide for her and so on
and so forth? And
I think that's a good question. Although I think that's a good
question. Because I think I think and I'll stop with this. I think
this points to the element of sisters thinking that polygyny
only serves mint particle afek. Exactly.
Like that, like, it's, again, a coach Nazir, I think could
probably speak to this extremely well as well, like, this is an
extreme. Marriage is a lot of things. But for men of resources
and capacity, it's an exchange of resources and time.
I'm giving up my time and resources to you.
What am I getting in return?
Again, marriage is a lot. But that's an element in it. And so
since if you're older, if you're divorced, see, acknowledge the
Muslim marriage market as it is, and just ask yourself, What assets
do I have, that I can then help take something off of this man's
plate? And that speaks to I think what you're really alluding to
Matthew is that you can help him with some level of peace by
relieving something from his plate. I got you. I got you. I got
we've, we've got a lot of pushback in the comments. One, brother,
it's your job to provide.
Next one, is this not placing demands on a woman that Allah does
not place on her for marriage? Not good enough. NASA, you are looking
for someone to use? Okay, this is abuse.
On
women when they say I've been abused, I never believe it is
called financial abuse. Aren't you supposed to provide for her just
as you do for initial wives? What if she doesn't want to work?
Only to hear says that? I think that's reasonable. Everybody else
says you're looking for somebody to provide. Are you penalizing her
for being older?
This sounds like something the red pill would say. What's this now?
Yeah, okay. Yeah, I think that's it. So defend yourself. So yeah, a
part of me says, I don't want to defend it. You don't like it?
Don't marry me. I'm good. Can I say this?
Because I actually, I think I understand where you're coming
from. And please correct me if you if I'm, if I'm not, but I think I
get it, which is your content, as you've just said, You are content.
I'm good. Right? And I know that feeling. I know that feeling of
I'm good. So if I'm gonna take on another wife, I'm actually doing
you a favor. How did you not do me a favor? Because I'm good. Right?
So if I'm going to do you, if I'm going to bestow this privilege of
making you my wife, bestow this Jonnie blessing
this privilege of making you my wife, why am I one pack? Well
again, return because all the normal stuff, I'm happy, I have a
wife or wives already handled, I'm good. So what else do you bring
in?
That would benefit me in this exchange of value? Because all of
the things the basic things I already got it well, maybe times
two, or maybe times 3am. I correct in saying that. You're spot on?
Because I think Allah I think Allah, I'm content I'm good. And
so are you then sisters judging me for what my preferences are?
The challenge
says, What if she said the Sister, tell me what you need, and I will
go and qualify and come back.
How about that?
That's, that's training. You know, that's trying to want to
know, if you notice
I said to my auntie, when he asked me, I said, Instead of answering
him with what she can do, I answered with, I would tell her
the vision and I'm looking for her to then say how she right to be on
that team and help him already have told her what you need by.
I'm also testing to see her motivation her to get on his team,
because I'm good.
And I'm good. And so this is the other thing. This is the other
thing.
said you don't have to do it.
They're asking you to get on the team.
To you something new.
Can you hear me? Yeah, that's what I'm saying to you is an asset.
It's interesting with sisters. It's interesting, because what if
I would have said I want a young sister who is you know, can fit a
dress size six? Would it be a complaint then I'm seeing a skill
set that you already have. That works for me is a preference for
me.
Yeah, I'm good. Coach. What do you think about what's happening here?
Because this is again, today has been a fiery fiery live I don't
know this like Clash off the
mic is bringing something
up some kind of interference. Do you think Brother Nasser's out of
pocket?
comment here? First, we promote polygamy as part of the deen to
help women who are divorced, widowed, etc. But yet she is told
she has to give you something that Allah doesn't require her to
hypocrisy. So Pamela doesn't just kind of go against marrying for
the sake of mercy. Just don't want all brothers to feel as if this is
the only reason to marry what say you coach.
We basically said the same thing. The difference is the lack of
maturity with understanding language. See, because he said
assets, they instantly thought he's talking about some type of
income coming in and they take an asset as being monetarily. Yeah,
that's the problem. Right there. You don't understand what an asset
is, you know, the asset is up here. Like I'm the asset. It's not
the things we produce the businesses not I'm gonna ask that
take me anywhere. Well, what I have, and we can help reduce this
bit Nilla understanding what acid is all you're asking is, how are
we like, Okay, well, I'm gonna marry this woman. Here's you're
watching TV watching The Bachelor bachelorette or something to
target, right? It's like, oh,
my favorite. These are her assets.
How do we not understand that? You know, I'm saying so it's like, Oh,
my God, the hypocrisy. No, you need to bring something and
wherever you get the idea that a marriage can just be something
just a mercy. This is marriage. All right, Mark, you could give
sadaqa to anybody help people in many different ways. But this
ain't that when you talk about marriage as an example from from
the time properly separate. People say he only made older women to
divorce woman and all these things, right? He only made Yeah,
he did only marry one virgin virgin in isone Leina. But do you
forget about Julia ruddy Alana. She was raised in luxury sitting
on Golden thrones. Her husband was killed after their marriage. It
was made in a very short time in the battle against Apophis epsilon
All right. When I showed him behind a saw her she knew he was a
part of someone's type. She knew it. What did he do? He didn't
consult with anybody he did he propose to you audio on your lawn
in front of his wife. So you know I got some better for you. She was
trying to negotiate for the release of her tribe and her
father and all this type of stuff, right? He said I will marry you
that would be even better. Alright, and I shorted law and
said there was not a woman who had got more Baraka then her she freed
her people with everything in his marriage. So he didn't take into
account Oh, how am I life here for me to propose to another woman in
front of her. This is our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
giardia she was 20 years old, young. Probably Salam was in his
50s at the time. So let's learn the zero before we start talking
crazy about stuff in assuming things about whom I mean to our
mothers. Very important to understand. So knowing that having
your preferences and things that you like and you desire and what's
expected like I said in the techniques, tick these boxes and
being picky and those that have assets that they bring to the team
if she could bring you peace of mind and comfort and help you
further your vision for that's what I'm talking about. Anything
less is unacceptable.
So apparently, you're you're out of luck, Coach NASA because this
woman who gives this value she does not exist. So stop dreaming.
Apologies for the lack of my DMs. I'm good.
I got proof. So they exist. Bless you.
Keep it a buck.
costly.
The language thing? I think the way they have interpreted the
language is that oh, he's trying to suck assets out of me know the
term asset is a broad term. I stopped to ask Nasser, what do you
mean by assets? You see, you didn't do the same thing. Um, so
one of the comments was, it's not a woman's job to bring value to
relationship. Are you kidding me? Sister, I she's got a
sister i She has understood it. Mashallah. Thank you, sis, Aisha
for for for like being open? Because she's got it. Yeah.
Exactly. We're trying to build. Yeah, and since I should this is
not I don't think that this is correct, is, if I've understood
the model correctly, if any one of you chooses to marry a young
sister, there will be value that she brings, that is different to
what an older sister will bring. So you would still expect value
from the younger sister, just as you expect value from the older
sister. And it's not a case of surface sisters who are wondering
about this, it's not a case of you marry the younger one, because you
desire her, you marry the older one, because out of mercy or
feeling sorry for her or feeling bad for her. And you're not going
to get anything from either of those. I think that that's an
unrealistic view.
Yeah, yeah, I think she may not have so what was said earlier?
Because like I said, I'm not interested in the onboarding
process of no disrespect to a younger one.
I that's just not me. So if I'm going to take a sister who is more
mature, you know, she would need to be able to, as it was said in
the comments, I think somebody's got it. Right. This is teamwork.
We build something here.
We're going somewhere. We're leaving something for the next
generations.
Yeah. So there's no need to pit the young against the older
there's no need because everybody has their strengths. Everyone has
their strengths and their advantages, right? So the best
thing to do is to play to your strengths and try to make up for
your you know, whatever you are lacking right so a younger sister
maybe she doesn't have experience in life or you know, she's not
capable in certain things, but trust me she brings something to
the table which you can't bring because that's not your wheelhouse
anymore, masha Allah, so there's no need ladies, there's no need to
where you are celebrated. Okay. They says all relationships are
transactional, whether consciously or subconsciously, let's stop the
games and marry for the sake of Allah. Life is transient and
marriage is a test. tranquillity says what in the world if I miss
girl, brother, whoever you are Subhanallah like you missed a lot,
you'll have to rewatch the whole thing.
Okay, so okay, this is interesting. So let's, let's deal
with this. Because I like this, the amount of arrogance, it is a
privilege for you to have me as your second wife in the first
place. What are my benefits? Let's end on this comment. Please.
Let's, let's end on this comment. What say you to this comment?
Please don't say don't marry me. Because I do think that there is a
teaching moment here. This is this is important. On my elders to go
fast, please.
So by default, that's coaching.
I gotta respect my elder, hey, you know, he's my brother.
You know, well, first of all, anybody like that, I mean, it's
taught like this, are you You probably single anyway.
Marriage is a meeting of these two individuals together. Alright, so
first of all, men really determined marriage to begin with,
so we choosing you, alright, it's not something extra, you know, if
you want to look at privilege of having you, you think in more
depth thinking is more of a psyche, somebody on the side,
somebody that doesn't have the benefits, but provides a certain
service or certain things that's not a marriage comment.
To begin with. So if I'm marrying someone, then clearly
there's a whole understanding of the contract on both sides.
There's benefits to both Alright, so I'm not saying I'm you I'm such
a such that you must serve me we garments for each other. This is
marriage, we're working together toward this goal, or at least
under my vision or my family, what I want to move forward as the man
with families. So what are your benefits? You know, just for the
sake of existing metabolism? For some reason women think similarly
simply because they have something between the legs. That is the most
exciting thing for most men on the planet that that all of a sudden
means you're entitled but you have this thing look about half the
people on the planet have that thing. Are we are created with a
certain desire. Yes. And a stronger US Yep, all that stuff.
But there's 1,000,001 ways to satisfy that desire. Maybe not
that many. But I'm just saying, There are many different ways but
simply possessing it and having a pretty face and are pretty fuzzy,
you know, all that stuff is great. That's fine. That's nice. But you
are not the only one. So unless you're adding that value, less you
adding value, many people know the price to stuff. All right, they
know the cost, but they don't know the value.
So when it comes to marriage, you're looking at it as if price
thing or I have this distance, never, but you're not looking at
the value, bring it to it, you'd be a foolish you being really,
really immature. So what are your benefits to marriage? The example
if you're talking to me? Well, I'm such and such, and I have all this
type of stuff. And you think that you already disqualified yourself
from dealing with a man of value.
You could talk to some Simpson, like some guys is going to, you
know, come up behind and so on, that they're treading water and
stuff. But being a second wife, or a subsequent wife, that's still
the wife, that's still a marriage. So thinking of it as anything
other than means you're coming from somewhere other than thinking
of it as a marriage. So that's, to me, that's just trash.
I have a question for the chat. And maybe I'm just trying to add
more spice since we closed it out.
When I was getting married, one of the criteria that I had was that
the sister had to be okay with homeschooling.
period that like it was a non negotiable for me. And for me,
that's a part of what I'm trying to build. So my question then for
the chat, and for the sisters, who said I'm abusive? Am I Am I being
abusive? Again? Is that is that? Am I exploiting labor? Or do I
want free labor again, is or or in that way? Can you now see the
bigger macro level? Can you see the big picture then?
Or is it only can be you see the big picture when it fits what you
define as acceptable?
So in the chat, is that I still exploiting? If I say that whoever
I'm married has to be okay, with homeschool? Whilst the chat
answers that Do you mind if I give my two cents on this? Sure. We can
wait on the chat. They probably own something else. Go ahead.
Yellow, do you mind pulling it back up sister NEMA The the
comment from the arrogance one?
Fall back? But basically, it's the arrogance? You It's a privilege
for me to be your second wife. Right? Yeah. What do you bring to
the table? Something like that? Correct? Yeah. So if a sister is
considering a brother, as a second wife already, it means by default
that he or she deems him worthy. Period. Right? If you're looking
at a brother who's already married, and you are considering
being his second wife, you are only even entertaining that for
because you deem him worthy in the first instance, all right, I
didn't look to Lulu, this is the first point. The second point is
that, with this being the case, if he is a man who is worthy, and
maybe your perception is wrong, but let's just assume that he is,
then we would also assume by extension, just as brother NASA
zero pointed out that he is a man who is content, when you're
dealing with a man who is content and not needy, is much more
difficult to get on the team than when you're dealing with a man who
is in need. Okay, who does need to get married, because he has that
need when you're dealing with a man who's content. And on top of
that he's gonna have to provide for you and take care of you and
so on.
So then what are you bringing to the table? You now must qualify
yourself to Him, not the other way around, because by default, you
have already qualified him to be worthy of this consideration in
the first place.
Yeah, I think that I think that's an important point.
I think I think, and maybe that's something that we as men maybe can
take on, is expressing and conveying more what contentment
looks like.
Because when you're content, you move differently.
Right? You just do. And maybe maybe sisters don't see that
enough. And maybe maybe there aren't that many brothers that are
content. Hence why it's a struggle for all of us who came on tonight
to name 5022. No, five single brothers
that, you know, are ready for marriage or that a good for
marriage? So yeah, I think that contentment piece is rare. I don't
think sisters understand what that looks like. And I question if they
really understand what it looks like, in a tangible way that
they've touched it. They've had that experience of what it looks
like.
Have a man who's really on his program. He has a vision and he's
actually grinding towards that.
I don't know if they if they really have experienced that in
their life
and stuff and with that being said
I want to echo what MB said. So it's been a great four hours,
four hours the longest stream that we've done, masha Allah and it's
all thanks to my amazing guests, my co host and you guys in the
chat who keep it lit all the time. MashAllah Tabata kala. Thank you,
Maghrib McGreevy, London for the super stick about a couple of
weeks. Thank you so much, guys, you know how we close out. If you
want me to close the show, and give you an accent, you're gonna
put down the money, five pounds super sick, it is good. But I
think we can do better. So let's see if somebody can top that
inshallah. There was a lot today, we covered a lot, mashallah we
really run the gamut of all sorts of things. The reason I, I tried
to do as visceral talking, as possible today, is that I really
do believe that it's important for us as brothers and sisters to
start listening to each other. And sometimes, it's more useful to
listen to the people whose views you don't like. And that make you
feel uncomfortable than the people whose views you're, you're
totally, you know, what they're going to say is totally
comfortable. It's exactly what you think, then you're in an echo
chamber, right? What we saw today on this stream, and in this chat,
especially, was people coming out of their own echo chambers into a
new space, and hearing men speak in a way that they are not used to
hearing. I don't think it's a red pill thing. So those of you are
saying, oh, red pill, red pill, I don't think it's a red pill thing.
It's just a man thing is just a masculine thing. Right? And, you
know, when men are together, brothers, please correct me if I'm
wrong, but my understanding is when men are together, this is how
they speak, yes or no.
This is barbershop talk. Right? This is, this is how men speak
when they're together. So what we're getting sisters, which, you
know, is something that we've not really had the privilege of having
is to hear men speaking honestly, openly, with respect, but telling
you how they see things, what their considerations are, and what
they you know, how they see things. And if anything, it's a
time to for you to reflect because if you are private in a marriage,
or you want to be in a marriage, or you're raising a son, it's
helpful to understand men a little bit more than we do. So I'm hoping
Inshallah, that this would have been an example of that, even when
it's uncomfortable sisters and brothers, because brother's got a
beating today as well. So even when it's uncomfortable, guys,
lean into the discomfort because as we all know, mashallah, we're
all in the personal development space here, we know that your best
your next best version is on the other side of your comfort zone,
right? Once you get to the edge of the comfort zone, that's where the
discomfort is guy, that's when you start to feel like you want to get
out of there. That's when you're going into the stretch zone.
That's when you're going to grow that's when you're going to learn
that's when you're going to expand your understanding and inshallah
evolve into the next version of yourself. So I want to thank
brother Mattie, Coach nausea, and my co host,
brother Nassif for today. And also to let you guys know that we are
going to be at an event in London next month in sha Allah. So the
details of that we will give you all the full details at next
week's show. But if you do want to attend one of these live, we will
be having a live session next month in London in East London. So
look out for the details on our Instagram and on the YouTube
inshallah on our respective Instagrams on YouTube and we will
have a special video with all the details of that as well even in
love. But for now let's have this SR 40 I think it's sr 14 with the
$20 super sticker does that color fade and you need to let me know
in the chat what accent you want us to close out on? Yes, coach,
NASA
one one quick point I have to one because I know how you wrote we've
done a couple of shows together. So I know how you wrote you you
you kind of ignore those comments where the sisters say for example,
you are being a brilliant brother homeschooling is necessary so you
like to like only share the comments that point me a certain
way. So I just want to put that out there that's one right I'm on
to you. Um, hit
me up. Yeah, I know so but real so I just do I do want to make this
one point. Thank you to whoever bought me two cups of coffee
mashallah, you didn't leave your name handy. Let us okay.
But you did make this point you didn't leave the comment move from
being hurt to disappointment. Thank you. And that's exactly what
whenever there is an emotion that you feel that that you're
uncomfortable you then want to set what is your emotional goal
right whenever it's anger, anxiety, right hurt jealousy once
you know you're feeling it then set your emotional goal I want to
get here and then once you know what you want to get the
alternative anxiety is concerned alternative to depression and
sadness, then what are the thoughts I need to have to get me
to that emotional goal right so the emotional goal is the end the
destination the thinking is the path to get there. And that's what
you have to shift because the thinking you had before was
getting you to hurt versus disappointment
and if you guys want to know more about that thinking feeling
connection please go back to other episodes of candid conversations
where we've covered this in detail and also for a full breakdown of
all the the healthy versions of different emotions that was in the
intimacy conversation as well. I'll try to link those in the in
the in the description inshallah. But for now, let's close out
brothers does that come along with the fame? Oh,
I like like, I like watching you when you're ready to close out and
stopping you from closing out when you're ready to close out. Oh, and
why? As thing I would say is if you guys smoke slide in the DMS
Instagram necie alameen.
I take Yes, yes.
All of this all of the source all of the comments, guys. Please do
make sure that you have that you have like the video. Don't forget
that. Please make sure you subscribe to the channel. We're on
our way to 50,000 subs, you guys can help us get there in sha
Allah. But for now we are going to close out the show. Thank you so
much. Kamala Kulu fair. We did not get a request for the accent so I
just use the accent from the air.
Exactly. We see you next week. Inshallah. I don't know whether we
will do that Thursday or the Friday but one of the days we will
be doing and you must keep your eye on that channel so you know
what is happening right. Goodbye and goodbye. Goodbye. Good night.
Salaam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh