Naima B. Robert – @MARYAMSHEIKHLEMU Shares Lessons from 30 Years of a Muslim Marriage
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
So I would love it if you would
share again, if you don't mind, sort of
the thinking behind
sticking with it
throughout those years?
Why? Why did you stay? Syed, why did
you send her home to her parents? What
happened?
Why didn't I strangle him? There's another good
question there.
Your death to us part has actually
all crossed my mind.
I, If that's what it takes.
Alright.
I grew up in a polygamy.
Yeah. And,
like I shared with you the last time,
my father,
through his lifetime, had married up to 7
women.
And,
growing up as a child, by the time
I was, I think, 6 or 7,
I was already the mediator in the fights
between the wives or even between the women
and him.
And Right. It was just I grew up
recognizing
what I wouldn't want to happen in my
life.
Right. And I made a promise to my
self that once I find the right woman,
I would make sure we work through all
the problems Mhmm. Till we reach that milestone
of ease, harmony,
love, and stability,
in the home. So
even before knowing who she was going to
be Mhmm. I'd already made that decision.
But I think most important
in that journey,
sister, is
me making sure I recognize
what my shortcomings were. So at an early
age,
my stepmothers and my moms would make fun,
you know, like a little job. And there's,
oh, you're gonna grow up and be like
your dad. You're gonna, and I hated it.
So early, I didn't want to be like
him as much as I loved him
dearly, and he loved me. Mhmm. But there
were certain
characteristics about him that I wasn't particularly comfortable
with. Mhmm. And I just told myself,
as much as I love my father,
I'm not going to be like him in
these areas.
And that was, I think, the beginning of
it for me in saying,
yes. I love him, but fix that aspect
that you've inherited
so that you don't go through the same
problems that he went through.
Subhanallah.
That sounds to me like there must have
been a lot
of self
self analysis and self awareness even before you
got married. Would you say that's the case?
Absolutely. Ex absolutely. That was it. Because when
the mothers were making those comparisons,
I kept asking myself if it were true.
As young as I was, I kept I
kept reflecting.
Is what they are saying true? And if
it is true, then I need to change
it. I don't want to be like that.
So very early, I understood the importance of
that self analysis. So I grew up
doing it regularly without even realizing that was
what I was doing. Wow. Yeah. It was
just ingrained from the jokes, and they would
mock me, make fun,
and I didn't enjoy the jokes. I didn't
like the fun making. I love my father.
I didn't like him being criticized as much
as he had a problem.
But Yeah. Of course. He just yeah. I
just
said, I don't wanna be like him. Mhmm.
I love him, but I wanna I don't
wanna be like him. And I don't wanna
have many wives. I just want
one. I just wanna have Get it right
one time. Exactly. One headache.
One headache. One heart. It's your mind.
So so many of us are like, hold
on a minute. Aren't you supposed to be
on my side? What's happening here?
No. But I actually think what he went
through really,
really is what helped save the marriage.
Because, obviously, I shared during the Black Muslim
festival how
within 2 weeks, I'd asked for a divorce
because I grew up in a totally different
world where I saw beautiful relationship.
I saw my parents in love.
My mom was called home to Allah after
50 years.
And
I never saw them fight one day. We
never sense tension, my brother and I. So
I went in with such unrealistic
expectations that I thought that's what marriage would
be like for me. And so when we
had our 1st fight within the 1st 2
weeks, I was like, I'm out of here.
I literally didn't know what to do. I
panicked because I I didn't know you fight.
You know, and I think that's one of
the biggest mistakes my parents had made is
they
ever talked about how they had misunderstand how
they resolved conflict.
So when I immediately within 2 weeks of
marriage, we had our first fight. I asked
for a divorce.
He just saw me melt have a meltdown
crying
and calmed me down and, like, no. It's
okay. You know? He was shocked by his
new brother. This is normal Mariem it's okay
this is okay it's normal.
That was normal
and,
you know he got to calm me down
the first time. But the next fight, which
was literally a week later, I started huffing
and puffing, and he just watched me, and
I literally cried myself to sleep. And then,
the third time was maybe about 2 weeks
later,
and he just said, whatever you want now,
you will get it.
But, actually, I later got to realize he
only said it so I would keep my
big mouth shut and stop all this drama.
And,
actually, one thing I realized was he always
had the big picture in mind. He always
had,
you know, we're in this for the long
haul. We are gonna work things out. So
I was very
temperamental
and,
like, you know, I've shared this that I
use my greatest weapon of mass destruction, my
mouth. I used it a lot with all
the sense,
and I said whatever keeps my mind unfiltered.
And, unfortunately,
it didn't help. He is a ticking time
bomb. I call him undercover ninja. Silent killer
silent killer under the radar.
He's
he's so much better now.
But at that time, I would just literally
push him to the wall, and then he
snaps, and he is another creature. He is
just another monster, and and it was unpleasant
fights.
So,
I mean, yes, it took us 6 years
of a roller coaster of emotions,
love, hate, passion, disgust,
you know, disappointment.
And then we had a few happy times,
but it wasn't what we Oh, I thought
we had a Yeah. Yeah. But we didn't
see that as our ideal
relationship. Yeah. And I think the lowest was
Wednesday. It's like he wasn't looking forward to
coming home to me. And I was just
in shock because I was like, but you're
the problem. Can't you look forward to coming
home to me? I was like, I'm what?
You know, it was just
I I I have not done anything wrong.
Like, I'm the perfect one here. Like, hello.
Yeah. Yep. So that was the biggest turning
point for me where I had to literally
put my brakes in our 6th year. And,
again, let me make a point. Because of
the fights, my husband said
early on in fact, before we got married,
he said,
we're gonna take our time to have children
until we finish settling and getting to know
each other. So we deliberately did not bring
a child into this world that didn't ask
to be born,
because we wanted to be very present, deliberate
parents. So, alhamdulillah,
in that
that those words that he
said, that was when I had to look
in the mirror and start the introspect.
And I think that's literally the turning point.
Yeah. You know, I I just to the
the, the the point of not bringing a
child because
I remember
what I went through
with my parents,
my father, my mother, my stepmothers
at an early age.
And I grew up really fast,
but it wasn't
they were not happy experiences.
Yeah. Yeah. And I and I felt
that was unfair of them. Mhmm. They put
me in the middle of that, and I
was not going to subject my child to
that. So my has played a big role
in saying, let's wait
to make sure we're okay. We don't bring
a child into this toxic environment
and have him become the lawyer or the
mediator. Those are right. I was like, which
I was. I did that for quite a
while, for more than 5, 6 years.
So I I I grew up really fast,
but that was a good education
because then I knew what I would not
want to have in my life. So that
was was was the teaching.
Teaching. Yeah. It's so, it's always interesting, you
know, that there are those of us who
go through unpleasant childhood experiences.
For some,
it they, they simply
follow the pattern. Don't they? And then for
others, that's the reason that they don't follow
that pattern and actually choose actively to do
things differently. Absolutely. SubhanAllah.
So I'm hearing, obviously, there was a decision.
It sounds like it was on your side,
Saeed, that,
there's no get out clause.
This is gonna work.
Never never lose sight of the big picture.
Yeah. I knew it was a journey that
I had to play a key role on.
And during the courtship Mhmm.
It became clear to me that I had
to take the lead, but I cannot take
the lead without having the knowledge, the requisite
knowledge to me. Mhmm. So
and that's very critical
for men and for fathers and mothers in
preparing their sons to become husbands someday.
And also Talk to this one. Mhmm. Yes.
Even for girls to become mothers, there's that
responsibility
of passing on life lessons.
Yes. And that's that's what we've been able
to do with our kids. But Mhmm. I
think we lose we get we we lose
ourselves in search of the world, in the
material world, and forget that
this is a bigger responsibility
than the big house making the mortgage payments,
you know, buying the car and so on
and so forth. You bring a child into
this world, you want that child, whether a
boy or a girl, to be assets, not
liabilities to anybody in their lives. SubhanAllah.
You know, this reminds me I agree with
you 100%. It reminds me of another one
of my guests who was, talking for the
benefits of having many children. He had a
very he had a
a very extreme view on it. But what
he said was a lot of us think
that our investments in the future and our
retirement plan is what our company gives us.
Right? It's our pensions, our state pension. It's
this thing. He said, no. No. No. If
you
don't see your children as your retirement
and, you know, your your pension, if you
like.