Naima B. Robert – @MARYAMSHEIKHLEMU Shares Lessons from 30 Years of a Muslim Marriage

Naima B. Robert
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The speaker discusses her past struggles with self-consciousness and the importance of identifying shortcomings, including her desire for a "bruzz attack" that takes time and effort. She also talks about her marriage experiences, struggles with her partner, and past struggles with her stepm waters. She describes a situation where she used her great tool of mass destruction, her mouth, and their bravery to protect their partner and family. She emphasizes the importance of passing on life lessons to children and focusing on retirement plans for her company.

AI: Summary ©

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			So I would love it if you would
		
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			share again, if you don't mind, sort of
		
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			the thinking behind
		
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			sticking with it
		
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			throughout those years?
		
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			Why? Why did you stay? Syed, why did
		
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			you send her home to her parents? What
		
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			happened?
		
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			Why didn't I strangle him? There's another good
		
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			question there.
		
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			Your death to us part has actually
		
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			all crossed my mind.
		
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			I, If that's what it takes.
		
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			Alright.
		
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			I grew up in a polygamy.
		
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			Yeah. And,
		
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			like I shared with you the last time,
		
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			my father,
		
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			through his lifetime, had married up to 7
		
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			women.
		
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			And,
		
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			growing up as a child, by the time
		
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			I was, I think, 6 or 7,
		
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			I was already the mediator in the fights
		
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			between the wives or even between the women
		
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			and him.
		
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			And Right. It was just I grew up
		
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			recognizing
		
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			what I wouldn't want to happen in my
		
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			life.
		
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			Right. And I made a promise to my
		
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			self that once I find the right woman,
		
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			I would make sure we work through all
		
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			the problems Mhmm. Till we reach that milestone
		
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			of ease, harmony,
		
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			love, and stability,
		
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			in the home. So
		
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			even before knowing who she was going to
		
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			be Mhmm. I'd already made that decision.
		
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			But I think most important
		
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			in that journey,
		
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			sister, is
		
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			me making sure I recognize
		
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			what my shortcomings were. So at an early
		
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			age,
		
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			my stepmothers and my moms would make fun,
		
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			you know, like a little job. And there's,
		
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			oh, you're gonna grow up and be like
		
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			your dad. You're gonna, and I hated it.
		
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			So early, I didn't want to be like
		
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			him as much as I loved him
		
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			dearly, and he loved me. Mhmm. But there
		
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			were certain
		
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			characteristics about him that I wasn't particularly comfortable
		
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			with. Mhmm. And I just told myself,
		
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			as much as I love my father,
		
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			I'm not going to be like him in
		
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			these areas.
		
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			And that was, I think, the beginning of
		
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			it for me in saying,
		
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			yes. I love him, but fix that aspect
		
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			that you've inherited
		
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			so that you don't go through the same
		
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			problems that he went through.
		
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			Subhanallah.
		
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			That sounds to me like there must have
		
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			been a lot
		
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			of self
		
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			self analysis and self awareness even before you
		
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			got married. Would you say that's the case?
		
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			Absolutely. Ex absolutely. That was it. Because when
		
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			the mothers were making those comparisons,
		
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			I kept asking myself if it were true.
		
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			As young as I was, I kept I
		
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			kept reflecting.
		
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			Is what they are saying true? And if
		
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			it is true, then I need to change
		
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			it. I don't want to be like that.
		
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			So very early, I understood the importance of
		
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			that self analysis. So I grew up
		
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			doing it regularly without even realizing that was
		
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			what I was doing. Wow. Yeah. It was
		
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			just ingrained from the jokes, and they would
		
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			mock me, make fun,
		
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			and I didn't enjoy the jokes. I didn't
		
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			like the fun making. I love my father.
		
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			I didn't like him being criticized as much
		
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			as he had a problem.
		
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			But Yeah. Of course. He just yeah. I
		
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			just
		
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			said, I don't wanna be like him. Mhmm.
		
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			I love him, but I wanna I don't
		
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			wanna be like him. And I don't wanna
		
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			have many wives. I just want
		
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			one. I just wanna have Get it right
		
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			one time. Exactly. One headache.
		
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			One headache. One heart. It's your mind.
		
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			So so many of us are like, hold
		
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			on a minute. Aren't you supposed to be
		
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			on my side? What's happening here?
		
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			No. But I actually think what he went
		
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			through really,
		
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			really is what helped save the marriage.
		
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			Because, obviously, I shared during the Black Muslim
		
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			festival how
		
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			within 2 weeks, I'd asked for a divorce
		
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			because I grew up in a totally different
		
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			world where I saw beautiful relationship.
		
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			I saw my parents in love.
		
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			My mom was called home to Allah after
		
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			50 years.
		
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			And
		
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			I never saw them fight one day. We
		
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			never sense tension, my brother and I. So
		
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			I went in with such unrealistic
		
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			expectations that I thought that's what marriage would
		
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			be like for me. And so when we
		
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			had our 1st fight within the 1st 2
		
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			weeks, I was like, I'm out of here.
		
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			I literally didn't know what to do. I
		
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			panicked because I I didn't know you fight.
		
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			You know, and I think that's one of
		
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			the biggest mistakes my parents had made is
		
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			they
		
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			ever talked about how they had misunderstand how
		
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			they resolved conflict.
		
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			So when I immediately within 2 weeks of
		
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			marriage, we had our first fight. I asked
		
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			for a divorce.
		
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			He just saw me melt have a meltdown
		
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			crying
		
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			and calmed me down and, like, no. It's
		
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			okay. You know? He was shocked by his
		
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			new brother. This is normal Mariem it's okay
		
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			this is okay it's normal.
		
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			That was normal
		
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			and,
		
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			you know he got to calm me down
		
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			the first time. But the next fight, which
		
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			was literally a week later, I started huffing
		
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			and puffing, and he just watched me, and
		
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			I literally cried myself to sleep. And then,
		
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			the third time was maybe about 2 weeks
		
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			later,
		
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			and he just said, whatever you want now,
		
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			you will get it.
		
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			But, actually, I later got to realize he
		
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			only said it so I would keep my
		
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			big mouth shut and stop all this drama.
		
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			And,
		
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			actually, one thing I realized was he always
		
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			had the big picture in mind. He always
		
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			had,
		
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			you know, we're in this for the long
		
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			haul. We are gonna work things out. So
		
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			I was very
		
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			temperamental
		
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			and,
		
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			like, you know, I've shared this that I
		
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			use my greatest weapon of mass destruction, my
		
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			mouth. I used it a lot with all
		
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			the sense,
		
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			and I said whatever keeps my mind unfiltered.
		
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			And, unfortunately,
		
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			it didn't help. He is a ticking time
		
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			bomb. I call him undercover ninja. Silent killer
		
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			silent killer under the radar.
		
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			He's
		
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			he's so much better now.
		
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			But at that time, I would just literally
		
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			push him to the wall, and then he
		
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			snaps, and he is another creature. He is
		
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			just another monster, and and it was unpleasant
		
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			fights.
		
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			So,
		
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			I mean, yes, it took us 6 years
		
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			of a roller coaster of emotions,
		
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			love, hate, passion, disgust,
		
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			you know, disappointment.
		
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			And then we had a few happy times,
		
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			but it wasn't what we Oh, I thought
		
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			we had a Yeah. Yeah. But we didn't
		
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			see that as our ideal
		
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			relationship. Yeah. And I think the lowest was
		
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			Wednesday. It's like he wasn't looking forward to
		
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			coming home to me. And I was just
		
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			in shock because I was like, but you're
		
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			the problem. Can't you look forward to coming
		
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			home to me? I was like, I'm what?
		
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			You know, it was just
		
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			I I I have not done anything wrong.
		
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			Like, I'm the perfect one here. Like, hello.
		
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			Yeah. Yep. So that was the biggest turning
		
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			point for me where I had to literally
		
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			put my brakes in our 6th year. And,
		
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			again, let me make a point. Because of
		
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			the fights, my husband said
		
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			early on in fact, before we got married,
		
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			he said,
		
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			we're gonna take our time to have children
		
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			until we finish settling and getting to know
		
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			each other. So we deliberately did not bring
		
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			a child into this world that didn't ask
		
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			to be born,
		
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			because we wanted to be very present, deliberate
		
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			parents. So, alhamdulillah,
		
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			in that
		
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			that those words that he
		
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			said, that was when I had to look
		
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			in the mirror and start the introspect.
		
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			And I think that's literally the turning point.
		
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			Yeah. You know, I I just to the
		
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			the, the the point of not bringing a
		
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			child because
		
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			I remember
		
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			what I went through
		
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			with my parents,
		
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			my father, my mother, my stepmothers
		
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			at an early age.
		
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			And I grew up really fast,
		
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			but it wasn't
		
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			they were not happy experiences.
		
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			Yeah. Yeah. And I and I felt
		
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			that was unfair of them. Mhmm. They put
		
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			me in the middle of that, and I
		
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			was not going to subject my child to
		
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			that. So my has played a big role
		
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			in saying, let's wait
		
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			to make sure we're okay. We don't bring
		
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			a child into this toxic environment
		
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			and have him become the lawyer or the
		
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			mediator. Those are right. I was like, which
		
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			I was. I did that for quite a
		
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			while, for more than 5, 6 years.
		
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			So I I I grew up really fast,
		
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			but that was a good education
		
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			because then I knew what I would not
		
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			want to have in my life. So that
		
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			was was was the teaching.
		
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			Teaching. Yeah. It's so, it's always interesting, you
		
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			know, that there are those of us who
		
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			go through unpleasant childhood experiences.
		
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			For some,
		
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			it they, they simply
		
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			follow the pattern. Don't they? And then for
		
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			others, that's the reason that they don't follow
		
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			that pattern and actually choose actively to do
		
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			things differently. Absolutely. SubhanAllah.
		
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			So I'm hearing, obviously, there was a decision.
		
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			It sounds like it was on your side,
		
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			Saeed, that,
		
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			there's no get out clause.
		
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			This is gonna work.
		
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			Never never lose sight of the big picture.
		
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			Yeah. I knew it was a journey that
		
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			I had to play a key role on.
		
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			And during the courtship Mhmm.
		
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			It became clear to me that I had
		
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			to take the lead, but I cannot take
		
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			the lead without having the knowledge, the requisite
		
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			knowledge to me. Mhmm. So
		
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			and that's very critical
		
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			for men and for fathers and mothers in
		
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			preparing their sons to become husbands someday.
		
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			And also Talk to this one. Mhmm. Yes.
		
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			Even for girls to become mothers, there's that
		
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			responsibility
		
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			of passing on life lessons.
		
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			Yes. And that's that's what we've been able
		
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			to do with our kids. But Mhmm. I
		
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			think we lose we get we we lose
		
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			ourselves in search of the world, in the
		
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			material world, and forget that
		
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			this is a bigger responsibility
		
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			than the big house making the mortgage payments,
		
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			you know, buying the car and so on
		
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			and so forth. You bring a child into
		
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			this world, you want that child, whether a
		
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			boy or a girl, to be assets, not
		
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			liabilities to anybody in their lives. SubhanAllah.
		
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			You know, this reminds me I agree with
		
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			you 100%. It reminds me of another one
		
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			of my guests who was, talking for the
		
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			benefits of having many children. He had a
		
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			very he had a
		
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			a very extreme view on it. But what
		
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			he said was a lot of us think
		
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			that our investments in the future and our
		
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			retirement plan is what our company gives us.
		
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			Right? It's our pensions, our state pension. It's
		
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			this thing. He said, no. No. No. If
		
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			you
		
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			don't see your children as your retirement
		
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			and, you know, your your pension, if you
		
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			like.