Naima B. Robert – Married Kids You need to hear this marriage advice for Muslims!
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AI: Transcript ©
This is your sister Naima B Robert here
and I wanted to pop on here just
to have a quick chat
for those of you who are married with
kids you need to hear this.
Now before I get started,
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out into the world. So with no more
ado,
let's talk about it. So
if you've been following me for a little
while, especially over the past few weeks, you
know that I'm
really
keen on talking about marriage.
And I'm gonna put it out on the
line for you just so that it's, you
know, clear why I'm talking about this, why
we're focusing on this, why we're having the
marriage conversation. Right? And it's this,
the marriage between
a Muslim man and a Muslim woman is
the foundation
of the society,
right?
The man and the woman who come together
for the sake of Allah have children
and you know and and everything that goes
with that in preparing the next generation.
This is the foundation of our society.
If our marriages are broken,
it impacts everyone. If our marriages are unhealthy
it impacts everyone. If our marriages are full
of pain
and loneliness and isolation
and and and and you know and all
of that stuff, it impacts everyone. It impacts
the individual believers,
the man and the woman,
and it impacts their children.
Because their children are now growing up in
an environment
that is not a healthy, wholesome, loving, secure
environment.
And
this is what I really wanna talk about
today
because,
you know, not only do the children not
grow up with that safety and security,
and that grounding,
They also are not learning how a healthy
marriage works.
Right?
How
partner, how parents, how husbands and wives communicate,
how they deal with each other, what respect
looks like, what love looks like, what commitment
looks like.
They're not growing up with that and as
a result
this shapes them. It shapes the way that
they see the world, it shapes the way
they see themselves, it shapes the way they
see their future. How many of us know
boys and girls, we know a lot about
this from the women's side, who say they're
never getting married because they saw such turmoil
when they were growing up.
Right? So we know that, you know, the
the environment that we're creating at home is
not just this issue between you and I.
This is something that our children are observing
and our children are picking up on and
it is part of it becomes a part
of them and they go out into the
world either
with, you know, warped ideas about what marriage
is or an aversion to marriage. Like they're
like * no, like I would never
want to be in that situation.
So it, it behooves us,
for those of us who care about the
community, who care about the Ummah,
it behooves us to, to, to try to
heal
as much as possible
the relationships,
the husband and the wife, that foundation.
Right?
To work towards healthy relationships,
to train our young people in the way
of having healthy relationships,
and to raise our children with an understanding
of what a healthy relationship is.
So this is why we're having this conversation.
So I wanna talk specifically today about
being married and having children. Now I had
a friend come and visit me today
and, mashaAllah, this sister,
she her eldest is 22
and her youngest is a is about 10,
I think. And, she's been living here in
Egypt for a long time now, and her
husband goes back and forth to their home
country,
to work. So he's a he provides for
the family. She basically a lot of the
time it's kind of single handedly raising the
children. Okay?
Now this sister, I have to say, this
sister has a very different background to most
people. Masha'Allah.
She came from a polygamous family. So her
father had 2 wives.
I think she has about 20 siblings
and they are all extremely close.
And so one of the reasons why I
digress for a second
so many examples
of polygamy and polygyny done right.
Most of us either don't know anyone in
polygamy or we've heard the horror stories. Right?
Let me know in the comments
if you think that's a fair thing to
say.
But I I this is a vibe I
get. In the culture,
What tends to proliferate
is polygyny, polygamy, horror stories, right? And so
when you mentioned polygamy and you even mention
anything positive about it,
everyone's first response is, oh no, no, no,
no, no. But the way people do polygamy
nowadays or the word polygamy,
it is all this negativity attached, right? So
this sister is an example of, a sister
who grew up in a polygamous household. She
grew up with 2 moms
and,
she is the only wife in her situation
at the moment, right? So so she but
she's come from that background of family, of
commitment, of traditional Islamic values.
So in her in her the in her
setup, you know, she's telling me I'm asking
her the news of the children, who's doing
what, you know, the son is studying in,
you know, in this country. The daughter's doing
dentistry. The kids are in school, and, you
know, husband's working and da da da. And
I I looked at her
and I just said to her,
you've done well,
Masha'Allah,
you've done well.
And she just smiled because she's so humble
Masha'Allah. She just was like, don't be silly
like this is just life.
But you know what?
My
respect and admiration
these days
is
so profound
for those of you
who've been married for 10, 15, 20, 25
years
and you're
still committed.
You're in the trenches,
you're doing the work,
you're doing right by those kids.
Now this sister got married when she was
a teenager. She was 17,
I think her husband was about 15 years
older than her. So like Mariam Lehmus and
her husband,
what people nowadays would say, oh red flags,
she had those. Right? But here she
is, she's a wife, she's a mom, now
the kids are a bit older, she's always
wanted to study Arabic so that's what she's
doing.
But her first priority is her family, right?
Just like her husband's first priority really is
is family. And as a result
they're raising these children,
helping them to stand on their own 2
feet and go out into the world. You
know we're talking about, you know, proposals that
have come in for the daughter, you know,
who the son is interested in this one
and that one.
And for me,
at this stage in my life and at
this stage in our society's culture, I'm so
I'm so
proud of our traditional
values.
Our Islamic values.
Now I know that in the Muslim community
we had like so much fitna with cultural
values right?
Culture was always pitted against Islam, culture is
the problem, culture is wrong, culture is this,
culture is that.
But you know
what we don't want to do is throw
the baby out with the bath water.
Culture is not all bad.
There are some aspects of culture that are
un Islamic. We know what to do with
those. There are some aspects of culture that
are like, you know, built on ideas that
we don't want to see continuing,
right? Prejudices,
you
know, chauvinism,
whatever the case may be, right? Sexism,
all these kinds of things, right? Some aspects
of culture come from that and we don't
really wanna carry those with us either because
that's not from the dean either, but
there are aspects of our cultures.
And when I say our cultures, I'm I
really mean our traditional cultures wherever we are
from in the world. Pakistan,
any Arab country, Africa, wherever.
Our traditional
values,
they have value.
They have kept our families
together
for generations.
They have
bonded
grandparents
and parents and children for generations.
They formed the bedrock of whole civilizations.
So we as Muslims who are in the
west in particular,
we need to be careful of just throwing
out culture altogether and saying all culture is
bad. So we we like wanna be only
Islamic and then the rest of our culture
we throw it out and we adopt something
else.
My point is
my admiration and my respect is so profound
for sisters like this sister who,
you know, on the one hand
is just an ordinary sister.
She's not on social media, she doesn't have
a job, she doesn't make any money,
but she is the foundation of that family.
And I'm not saying that to discount her
husband because masha'Allah Barakala, like dudes put in
work and may Allah reward him for that.
But she is
the heart of that household
and I admire that.
I'm a say it right now. I admire
that.
I admire
the ability of my friends who, like I
said, have been in marriages for many years.
Their children are now really growing up and
going into their next chapter.
I admire their ability to stay the course,
to work through the difficulties in their marriages,
to work through the hard times, to stay
committed to the goal. And I'm gonna say
this now even though this might be triggering
for some people, but be able to sacrifice
their own
desires
for the benefit of the family.
Now why do I say
kind of give a caveat for sacrificing?
Because for many of us we've always viewed
sacrificing, especially a woman sacrificing as like no
way, like we don't do that.
Okay? Like not it's 2022.
Okay, we're not out here sacrificing
and I get
it.
Especially nowadays
we all want to self actualize
quote unquote.
We all want to achieve our individual potential.
We all want to see our dreams come
true.
Here I am looking at this situation and
I'm like, you know what?
The emphasis in a marriage
cannot be on
my own
feelings,
my own dreams, my own expectations,
what I want.
In a marriage, especially when you have children,
it's not about you.
It's not about you sis, it's not about
you bro. It's like what Muawiyah said in
the brothers panel.
Once you 2 come together
and Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala blesses you with
children,
this is bigger than you.
It's way bigger than you.
And I think a lot of the time
within because of society
when we're in a marriage, we make the
marriage we make the family and that the
state of the family about
what's happening between you and I. Are we
cool? Are we good?
Are you making me feel the way that
I want to feel? Are you pouring into
me? Are you, you know, are you meeting
my needs? Are you meeting my expectations? You
know, are you my soulmate? You know, are
we meant to be together? And all these
questions, right, which to be fair, like nobody
was asking them 2 generations ago, like, let's
be frank here. Okay? This is the truth.
But now, of course, because of society, that's
what we're doing. Right?
So we're looking at our spouse
and saying
you don't fit the bill as my ideal
guy or what I thought I was gonna
be or who I have become. And if
you're making it about you and I, husband
and wife.
And if I'm not happy with you,
this can't work,
Right? If I if I can't deal with
you, like this this can't work. And what
I'm saying is you know, this sister that
I'm talking about,
I know even though she will not say
it because she's very humble sister and very
down to earth.
I know there were times when she felt
like
I'm doing this all on my own.
Like he's over there, you know, and I'm
here. I'm stressed. It's a lot for me.
I'm tired. You know, all of these things.
Right?
And, you know, there may have been times
when she looked at her husband and just
thought, you know, like,
what is this? Right? Maybe. Because she doesn't
really have that kind of mindset. You see?
So she may never have done it. But
for you and I, I know that there
will be times when you're like, oh, you
know what? This is some joking.
Right? This this is not what I signed
up for. Okay?
And even worse, if we get into a
marriage and we have these huge expectations, these
high
expectations of personal fulfillment,
of personal validation, of personal
me me me,
you know, gain within the marriage
and then we're not getting that, what we
expected we would get, then all of a
sudden our feelings change.
Now we don't feel so good in the
marriage anymore. Now we're not feeling this person
so much anymore. Now it's like you know
what, I think there's something
I need to be somewhere else. I don't
need to be here. What I'm saying to
everybody who's listening, if this makes sense for
you, alhamdulillah.
If it doesn't make sense for you, no
worries. Keep it pushing, this is message is
not for you. But what I am saying
is if this mess this this message
is for every one of you
who is married, again as I said before,
to a decent person
and you have children together.
It's not about
you.
It's about those kids. It's about the amana.
It's about what Allah will question you about.
And it's about what you will leave behind
you.
Seriously, wallahi.
Sisters, yeah, I'm gonna say this directly to
you.
Even if that brother, that man
doesn't tick all your boxes,
even if he's disappointed you, even if, you
know, you had these high expectations of your
relationship, of your this or your that and
all of this. Right? Even if
the sad truth of it is here,
Once we have children with someone,
that person
has been given a status by Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala
which cannot be taken away by anyone.
No one.
If she is blessed by Allah to be
the mother of your children,
no one can take it away. You can't
take that away from her. Your family can't
take it away from her. Her new husband
can't take it away from her. She will
always be the mother of your children.
If allah subhanahu wa ta'ala blessed that man
to be the father of your children, same
thing.
You can't take it away from him. Your
family can't. His family can't. Society can't. No
one can take that away. Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala has now brought you 2 together
to form new life.
Wow.
Wow. Your DNA, his DNA,
your lineage, his lineage and the 2 of
you now you've got this co creation here.
And they need you.
Guys,
they need us to be the adults.
They those children
who Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala chose
to entrust us with,
they need us to be adults.
They need us to fear Allah.
They need us to sort it out.
They need us to put them first and
I know that it's it's
it's like sometimes, oh, like can't I live?
Right? Can't I live? Can't I breathe? Can't
I do what I wanna do? Can't I
be who I want to be?
Once the children are there,
Not that you, you have no life anymore,
but you can't put your own needs first.
And I'm saying this as someone who has
done it
and has lived to regret it. So don't
ever ever think that me, Naima b Robert,
that I'm sitting in a place of judgment
of anyone out there.
I'm saying this to you
because I know I've experienced it myself.
When you put yourself
first at the expense of your children,
unfortunately guys,
you can't make it up to them.
You can't.
You think you can make it up to
your kids because you and your husband decided
to call it a day or you took
left him or you you ran him off
or he divorced you and you didn't want
to make it work or whatever the case
may be, right? You think
that you can make it up to your
children by marrying again?
That's not how it works.
Kids don't want a stepdad.
They don't want a stepmom.
They want their mom and dad.
And sometimes a friend of mine who's in
a blended blended family, she was saying to
me, you know, the crazy thing is
if the absent parent is a bad parent
and the step parent is a good parent
like and present,
it's even more difficult for the children.
And the children sometimes resent the step parent
even more
because it's like you're doing what my dad's
supposed to be doing. You're doing what my
mom was supposed to be doing and I
hate you for it.
If
you run off your children's father,
if you get rid of your children's mother,
you can't make it up to those kids.
You can't.
Don't ever think that you can. Whether it's
by bringing in someone new or buying them
more stuff or or being extra nice to
them or any of the coping mechanisms that
you've got. Trust me when I say you
can't make it up to those kids.
So my advice
to everyone out there,
pick your partner wisely,
manage your expectations
and go in with the right intentions for
the sake of Allah.
If Allah if you prayed istikhara and it
happened, clearly there was a purpose, there's a
reason.
And if your situation
is decent,
make it work.
Make it work
Because it's not about you.
Your focus needs to be those children.
Your focus needs to be those children.
And
SubhanAllah,
in the end guys,
in the end
they're what matters.
Of course we're gonna go back to Allah
Subhana Wa Ta'la He's gonna ask us, what
did you do
with the emana?
What did you do
with
the trust? What did you do?
At
least you'd be able to say, Yarab,
I gave my all.
I gave my all for your sake
so that these children
could worship
you and go into life
stable and and and and and and, you
know, be
be believers, be,
live lives that are pleasing to you. I
did my best to set an example within
my home. I did my best to honor
my husband. I did my best to honor
my wife. I did my best to show
my children that you don't just give up.
You Allah. Guys, if only you knew.
Sometimes
the lessons that we think we're teaching our
children,
especially us women because we do more thinking
like this, I think, than the men do.
The lessons you think you're teaching your children
when you make the decisions that you make,
those are not the lessons.
That's not what they take away.
And,
like I said,
not from a place of judgment,
but literally, like, from a place of humility
and
knowing that
I've made this mistake.
Others around me have made this mistake.
I see people continuing to make this mistake.
Our children don't care
about how happy we are as individuals. That's
the truth. They don't.
Our children don't care about our self actualization.
Our children don't care really
about whether we hit cis figures or we
hit our ideal weight or,
you know,
find love again even. Our kids don't really
care
or how are you with them?
If whatever you're doing out there makes you
a better mom then
perfect. That's great for them
but other than that, trust me our kids
do not care
about us and our vanities and our personal
journey of this and that. Our kids don't
care and the reality is and this is
my opinion, I could be wrong and Allah
forgive me if I'm saying anything out of
But a lot of the time our personal
journeys
they cost our children dearly.
Nothing comes for free.
Nothing.
Nothing comes for free.
Anything you want in life, you'll pay a
price for it. And my good friend Fatima
Barkatola was the one who drew this brought
this to my attention.
And she said to me, you know,
when you are going out there and you're
achieving your goals and you're doing this and
you're doing that, to the rest of the
world it's so impressive.
It's so wow. Right?
But I'm paying a price
because my kids don't get to see me.
Sometimes the price is worth it because you
know that okay it's it's short term and
then I'm gonna go back to doing x
y z and sometimes it's permanent.
So for all of us sisters who've been
brainwashed by society to believe that being a
mum is not good enough.
That you need to be doing more, you
need to be out there, you need to
be making money, you need to be making
moves, you need to be coming at this
and becoming at that. It's brainwashing.
And the people who pay the price
are the next generation. It's the children.
It's the children who see that mum is
more excited by stuff out there than she
is by them. Mom is more committed to
and more dedicated to her career than she
is to them. Mom gets more satisfaction
and joy from her colleagues than she does
from them.
That's what our children are getting. Sometimes we
like to tell ourselves, you know my I
want to see that my I want to
show my children that you can be a
Muslim and you can do x y zed,
right? That you can be a Muslim woman
and you can do x y zed. Listen,
if the fact that you're doing x y
zed means that they eat takeout twice a
week and that dinner is never ready and
that you're always too tired to read them
a bedtime story, then your kids are not
gonna care.
Why should they be happy for you
when your success and your drive and your
dreams is costing them their childhood?
That your vision of success is costing them
their mum.
Exactly.
We pay the price in akhirah too because
we're out here chasing dunya guys.
We are out here chasing
the dunya.
Let's keep it a buck.
Let's keep it a buck.
Let's keep it 100.
We are out here chasing the dunya. It's
not our fault.
It's a society that we live in. We're
conditioned,
we're brainwashed, we're programmed
but
in those moments of reflection we have to
take stock. I see people in the comments
making a lot of excuses
for why it's okay this, it's okay that
but no we don't have to do it
this way and we shouldn't think it can
only be XYZ.
Sis you're chasing Dona and that's it. That's
it. You want more money? You want a
bigger house?
You want to be able to say I
did XYZ with my life
right?
I did I did a degree therefore I
must x y zed.
When we boil it down, it's dunya.
And I think we know as Muslims,
what we can't afford
is to exchange
our
for the dunya.
And then we end up like everybody else,
stressed,
overworked, tired.
Trust me when I say, guys,
if I retire
within the next 12 to 24 months, you
know why and I know why.
We know how this, this, this drive and
this push for dunya, we know how it
impacts our health,
We know how it impacts our families. We
know how it impacts our sleep. We know
how it impacts our relationship with our husband.
We know how it impacts our relationship with
our family
because check this out. Right? Everybody's
pushing against this idea of women staying home
to raise the children. Right? From whichever direction,
either it's families who want you to, to
earn money and also contribute to the household
finances,
or it's a husband who wants you to
do that, right? Or it's society telling you
that, you know, being at home is no
and it's old fashioned or whatever. Right?
So they want everybody in the workforce because
they want everybody earning money so they can
spend more money. It helps the economy,
but look at our family structures.
What the hey is going to be the
* of our communities
in the next generation or 2?
When everyone's working
and everyone's kids are in childcare or in
school,
no one has time to look after the
elderly,
No one has time to house the elderly.
Our elderly are gonna be in care homes,
right? Our kids are gonna be in daycare.
Our marriages are gonna be like at the
fringes of the day,
then where will we be as a as
a community, as a society, as Muslims?
The structures and this is what I'm saying
about I'm gonna go back to my point
about demonizing
culture
and demonizing tradition.
Look at the living with in laws situation.
I've talked about this on my interview with
Shabir brother Shabir Hassan.
How all we hear is horror stories of
in laws. Whenever you hear in laws, it's
like it's a horror story. Right?
But there's a reason why
our families worked the way they worked.
There's a reason why,
you know, parents
were involved in the marriages, for example. Right?
There's a reason why people prefer to marry
from within their group. There's a reason why
daughters in law are invited into the family,
you know, to, to, to be with the
mother-in-law and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You
know, and Mufti Menck talked about this in,
in our conversation as well, right? About the,
the benefits of intergenerational living. Now I've gone
off on a complete tangent, but what I'm
saying
is wake up.
It's not about you.
You and your husband,
you need to sort it out.
And if he won't work with you,
you need to do what you need to
do on your end. I know lots of
marriage coaches, I've, you know many of my
best friends are marriage coaches. I've read so
many books on this issue and I know
for a fact that
most coaches will tell you that a marriage
can be saved simply by 1 person changing.
You don't both need to go to counseling.
You don't both need to go to therapy.
You don't both need to read the same
books and have a conversation
and marriage can be saved by 1 person.
So I'm gonna leave you with that. Maybe
we'll address that on a different, different,
a different live or whatever. But my point
is this,
you guys need to sort it out.
If you're married and you have kids there's
a manner,
there's a responsibility
and you need to get your head in
the game.
Both of you get your head in the
game.
What's the game?
It's not individual
needs and wants and desires between the 2
of you. You guys are just, you're a
conduit for this.
You're literally just like the the vehicle
by which these children have come about and
now Allah has given you the responsibility
to raise these children
and do things properly.
Okay and prioritize them
and and and make this your mission.
Insha'Allah you guys will see the Muawiya Tucker,
podcast that I did for the marriage conversation
with Muawiya Tucker and he talks about this.
He breaks it down so beautifully so I
won't go into it now.
Sis, just because you have children and I'm
telling you to focus on the kids, I'm
not saying to you that you need to
completely disregard yourself
and stop, you know, caring for yourself and
stop resting. No I'm not saying that at
all and I'm not saying that you should
run yourself into the ground because you can't
pull from an empty cup as someone said.
But
Allah
is the source.
He is the source of our energy, of
our love, of our care, of our ability
to care for ourselves, for our families.
It's the sources. It's from Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala. It's rizqahindirabbena.
So that's where we need to go back
to
because for sure if Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala
has given you this amana and as a
reminder for myself first. If Allah Subhanahu wa
ta'ala has given you this 'amanah'
it's because you are up to the task,
you can do this.
And you and your husband work it out.
Find your happy place within the marriage.
Find your purpose within this family.
Not to say you can't do anything else
outside but don't let anything else outside
pull you away from this purpose because this
is the purpose that Allah is going to
ask you about.
Everything else is negotiable but these kids
they're not negotiable.
So I pray that this message resonates with
you if it makes sense to you, alhamdulillah,
please leave a note in the comments
with your takeaways and your moments and your
biggest, you know, your biggest takeaway from this
talk.
It was just a short reminder really. Thank
you for, you know, for watching. I appreciate
you.
I appreciate everybody actually who has joined the
channel,
everybody who has, you know, liked, who has
shared, who's commented, it's been absolutely amazing. Continue
to do so. We've got lots more of
these conversations, more coming inshallah. Tomorrow we've got
the, polygamy,
conversation
with the outstanding personal relationships
family.
So that's the next episode of the marriage
conversation. And please, please, please take a moment
to like, comment
and share this video, subscribe to the channel.
Wanna get to 20 ks by the end
of the month and, thanks for rocking with
me.