Naima B. Robert – Marriage Advice for MuslimsAnisa Kissoon, Nasir AlAmin & Wael Ibrahim
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Hinting hinting hinting at various ways,
in which people can
take control
of, the drive if they're worried about it
being too low or if there's, you know,
imbalance with their spouse. So,
we look forward to diving in on this.
So is this because of
the
issue because we're moving on the move,
and
the
the bags and everything
are all packed, and the charger is nowhere
to be found. So this is all let's
turn, to make sure that, you know, you
get a chance to to to I I
I can hand over to you. So let's
go.
Let me get us to the recording.
Okay. I just about picked that up because
of the,
the Wi Fi issue with you.
It still doesn't look great.
Yeah. Let's do you know what? Let's dive
right in with you. Okay. Let me get
you doing what you need to do. And
then if I die or if anything happens
with me, at least I'm gonna make you
the host, Inshallah.
Okay? No problem. Inshallah. Alright. Bismillah.
Let's go. Sorry. Sorry, guys.
Right.
I'm gonna make you host, and we're gonna
record. Let me welcome everybody.
Oh, you have to record now because you're
the host. Oh, wow. Okay. So
Oh, let me do it. Let me do
it. Okay. Let me do it. Oh, it
says it here. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Here we
go. Let's record.
Right.
Assalamu
alaikum, everyone. Welcome to day 3 of the
intimacy conversation.
Super
super super pleased to have, you guys back
with us.
We have an exciting presentation
by sister Anissa Kissoon now on a holistic
we've been talking about this for the past
2 days, and now we're gonna dive really
deep. And guys, if you like sister Anissa's
presentation, make sure that you get that VIP
upgrade so you can attend her in-depth private
workshop next weekend where she's going to be
talking about sacred seduction techniques. So you don't
wanna miss that. Sister Anissa, please, I'm gonna
get hand it over to you. Please, Insha'Allah,
take it away. Tell us who you are,
how you came to do this work, and
Bismillah, it Fadali, go ahead.
First of all, I'm probably not gonna be
like most of the other,
host and and and beautiful beautiful experts because
I am literally
so super excited
to do this. Literally,
I feel like I've just won a golden
ticket
because for years, I have been talking about
this topic passionately
and wanting to share it and I've been
withheld for whatever reasons,
but now Allah has opened the door. And
first and foremost, I'd like to thank Allah
and I'd like to thank you, Naima, for
taking the courage to open up this door
for us,
here, especially in the UK.
So thanks very much.
With regards to my background,
before I was a Muslim,
this
was my life.
Passion, intimacy
through dance.
I'm from a West Indian background and if
anybody knows any West Indians,
we are a very fiery culture.
This is what we do.
It is very reflective
in our
our our dances, like I said,
and
just we are very passionate people, you know,
just our blood is very, very passionate.
So, you know, when I came into Islam
and I was faced with
seeing,
communities
that for me,
nobody talked about this.
Nobody talked about
the beautification
and really dressing up. Everybody
around me that was just talked.
It was really straight, black and white,
a lot of talk about,
what to do and what not to do.
We just didn't get into it. And
I always saw it as something that was
very sacred, that was very special. It was
like a gift.
And for most of my life, I had
to kinda literally put it in a box,
lock it up, and not really talk about
it. And And I felt that that was
a bit of a shame because especially being
a mother
with, you know, daughters who need to get
married, it's like, well,
as
it is important to teach them about cooking
and cleaning, we need to teach them that
this is a part of life. Now totally
understand
because it is something that is intimate and
it is
it is private
and we're not going, you know, saying go
out there, but it is still conversations that
we need to have.
Now
for me growing up,
you know, I was always very fascinated,
with kind of, ancient cultures. I always have.
For those of you who know me,
most of you know me for hijama therapy.
Right? And and that's fine, but it is
a beautiful technique and it's an ancient technique
that we use and
and it's been used even before our beloved
prophet, peace be upon him, recommended it. Used
all over the world and we know about
that. Right? We know how amazing it is.
I mean, in terms of health, when we
look at
health, it has been revived
so much.
I think it's because
literally it works and it's recommended by Allah
but when it came to
the intimacy side,
I started to look at all the ancient,
cultures
and I looked at the Kama Sutra, which
a lot of people know about,
but there's elements of it that is just
not halal. And the word Karmasutra is beautiful.
It's just lessons of love. You know, when
I look at that, I think it's so
lovely, but obviously, that's within
their culture. And you have, you know, right
from Africa
to Japan,
you have many different ancient techniques
that are unheard of.
And then obviously you've had some beautiful experts
that have talked about our traditions Alhamdulillah.
So how do we marry them? How do
we talk about it openly
because
there's a lot of people with problems. So
when I was
teaching Hijama therapy,
I found that a lot of the actual
topics that people wanted to talk about in
terms of patients
was actually this. So I would get sometimes,
you know, wives would say,
you know, I'm not really feeling it at
the moment or
my husband doesn't have the same drive as
me, you know, all sorts of questions, or
what can you give my husband? And if
you stick around till later, I'll actually share
with you one of my love potions. Okay?
But I I noticed it was a huge
topic,
very taboo,
but it nobody was really addressing it. And
again, I know that we have got lovely,
beautiful,
beautiful experts like the village auntie, you know,
But here in the UK, we really didn't
have anybody.
So when I was exploring this, I was
looking at it from a totally
holistic perspective.
I was combining all of the things that
I'd learnt over the years. So whether it
was therapies,
whether it was exercise.
I actually,
you know,
coined the terms exercise before everybody else jumped
on it.
And that's fine, because I don't think I
really wanted to I would like to use
that name anymore. But, it was, you know,
exercises that were performed
to help the women especially after
childbirth.
Because, you know, if you don't have that
guidance to bring your body back up, you
know, it can be
it can be it can be quite, an
embarrassing
kind of, situation.
And I know a lot of women, you
know, if you are stressed and you are
worried, you can't really perform to the best
of your ability. And we're not just talking
about bodily how we look. I'm talking about,
you know, actually, you know, in our private
areas as well.
So
this area for me, when I was, you
know, asked to come on here, I was
just so excited. I was like, yes. Because
one, I can get to share some of
the knowledge
that I painstakingly
studied for so
many
years.
Right? So so many years and like I
said, it's been locked in this box and
now Bismillah Naima is amazing. She's opened up
the the key for me and and now
I can talk about it openly. Alhamdulillah.
So that's what I want to do today.
I want to talk to
you about some of the ways that you
can
increase your * drive
and even if you've got one, maybe you
just want to even enjoy yourself more or
maybe
you want
to know how to help increase your
partner's,
* drives or maybe you just want to
kind of, you know, switch it up a
little and change it a bit and you
wanna learn more.
Like I said, for me as a mother,
as important as it was to teach my
children how to cook and not just cooking
for cooking sake by the way, I'm talking
about health, nutrition,
how to present the food, you know, all
of these things looking at, you know, how
you can mix colors
and make it look presentable and beautiful.
I'll give you this example.
So
your husband's gone out to work. Right? This
is for the ladies. Okay? Oh, you know,
it could be the other way around. It's
alright. So one of you has gone out
to work. Right? And you've worked really, really
hard all day. And why are you working?
You're working to provide for the family. Right?
Okay. So
whoever's left at home, be it mum or
dad these days,
you know, you're hungry.
Right? And you gotta make the meal for
the person who's coming home and gone out
there and done all that hard work. You
have a choice.
You can
either slap
some mashed potatoes, some peas, a bit of
fish on there. Right, and just slap it
there, Bismillah, there you go, it's food.
Alright? And
we're grateful whatever for whatever we're giving. Okay?
Right? Or
you can take the time and make a
meal from your love. Okay. And you can,
you know, make it look presentable
and you can make it smell beautifully
and you like like a gourmet meal, you
know? So there's a difference. Right? And think
about that person who's gone out there and
worked really hard, what meal would they like
to receive? They wouldn't really want us to
be receive that slapdash one. They want to
receive something that is made with love. Right?
So this is the same as our intimacy.
We can slapdash,
go to the bedroom and procreate. Right? Just
how you see the animals. Right? They just,
you know, I was watching pigeons on our
fence the other day and it was over
in a couple of seconds and it was
done because they are obviously, you know, just
procreating
or we can take this sacred act
and we can turn it into something that
is so
beautiful
and what will that do? That will increase
the love
and believe me even if for instance,
you are not in the mood, you are
tired,
you know, it's just it's you're having one
of those days. Right?
When you do things for the sake of
Allah,
for the sake of pleasing your lord, you
should always do things to the best of
your ability anyway, right?
So you are going to get
so so many good deeds from this
and this is what I want to revive
and bring back.
I wanna bring back this beautiful sacred act
that we've been given
and an act that we can get extreme
pleasure out of, okay, and bring it back
to where it's supposed to be.
And I will tell you and again I
will tell you why it is so important
to my opinion,
because
we have an epidemic epidemic on our hands.
Right? We have,
unfortunately, and I'm sure a lot of the
amazing experts have spoken about this before, but
we have got children and adults who are
turning to *,
unfortunately,
watching other people do acts. We have got,
you know, other, you know, people that are
exploring
other fetishes
and things that they shouldn't really be doing
that's not halal. Okay?
We have got an obsession
right now.
I would even go as far as saying
we have an the same obsession with food,
and this is why we've got so much
obesity.
Right?
But
if it is
nurtured in the right way and it is
in an halal environment,
it can be
the biggest
blessing
and
the biggest,
I would say,
pleasure.
Right? Just like when, you know, if you're
a foodie, right, and you're going for the
and I'm watching everybody getting ready for this
food festival, right, and they're all excited because
they can have all this food that they,
are not used to having. Right? And I
I went to that one year, by the
way, and I saw people queuing 2 hours
for a burger. For me, that's an obsession,
that's an addiction. Right? But, and then I
I interviewed the girl that I was in
the queue with, because I said, okay, I'm
gonna leave you in this queue, I'm gonna
go around do my film, and I'm gonna
come back. Right? And then when I came
back and I saw her bite into this
burger, I said to her, was that 2
hours wait worth it? And she said, yes.
And I went, okay. That's that's insane. That's
crazy. But this was her thing.
Okay.
Now,
again,
we can make this act
something that can save marriages.
Right? Save marriages. It is the thing that
makes us exist. If there was none of
it, halos,
the human race would cease to exist, and
that's how important it is. Right? So we
need to kind of get a grip on
that. I'm gonna say that again.
If we didn't do this sacred act,
we, as human beings, would cease to exist.
So what does that mean? If Allah has
given it to us as a gift,
as a halal gift for us, let's have
a nice time with it. Right? Let's let's
let's get it on. Let's not make it
be one of those birds sitting on the
fence in just 2 seconds, and they've gone
off and they're flying off somewhere else. Right?
Let's make it something that is
absolutely
beautiful.
So I think I've kind of got you
there. Right? Okay.
So
I've gotta figure out how to do this
because I wanna jump straight into my beautiful
presentation,
and I think
maybe,
if Namer my beautiful Namer is there,
share the screen. All you need to do
is share the screen, sis. You're the host
so it should give you all the information.
My lovely.
Alright. Let's share the screen. Oh, there we
go. Okay. Desktop number 1.
Okay. Share.
Okay. Cool.
What what is it telling me to do?
Upgrade now? Do I need to do that?
Just bear with me for one second.
So I really wanna get straight into
to
this. Do I do it with a whiteboard?
No. I don't. Do I files.
Let's do it with the files.
Okay.
Alright. Just bear with me for one second
because this is so important that we talk
about this.
Alright.
I'm not sure if it's gonna allow me
to do it, but it's fine if it
doesn't.
Because if it doesn't,
I've got it all up here. Okay. So
it says share or file from your window
or your laptop.
It's not allowing me to do that.
Okay. Just bear with me. Honestly, it will
be totally worth your wait.
It's okay if you wanna send it to
me. I can share it as well. I've
I've I've sent it to you my lovely
It's okay. To do it.
So, yeah, if you can do that. And
while you're doing that, my love,
I wanna talk about,
why for me,
the word pleasure is so important. Right?
And why we should
appreciate pleasure?
Now think of a mother who has
given birth. Right?
She, she's she's kinda gone through that 9
months. Okay?
And that's painful. Okay? If anybody's out there
who's had babies, you'll know. But the pleasure
part
is in
the birth. Right?
And then you have well, after birth, but
then you have the beautiful baby. Okay.
Right? Same as a farmer. A farmer can
go out there and he can, you know,
be
planting the seeds and plowing the crops and
everything, but the pleasure
is
in the harvest and eating the food. The
same way as a cook. A cook sweats
and, you know, is is is cooking up
all day. And then when you eat that
meal, you're rewarded with this pleasure. Okay? So
with regards to
our sacred act,
there is that time, I wouldn't say necessarily
pain, but maybe more hard work. Right? And
if we put the hard work in, the
pleasure is going to be so much more.
Because if you're a farmer and you've ever
planted something, when you eat your own produce,
oh my god, it tastes so amazing compared
to if you go and quickly get a
takeout. Right?
So I really want to get people
into this notion of
how we can
literally,
oh, can we go to the first slide,
my lovely?
Yep. How we can
literally,
you know, get,
make this act
so beautiful
and even if you've been married for 20
years, right,
30 years, it doesn't matter, you can switch
it up, make it make a difference, you
can make a change and you can really,
really take it to another level. Because like
I said, it's something that Allah has given
us and we're allowed to enjoy things. It
doesn't have to be all kind of, you
know, doom and gloom and, you know, everything
has to be hardship.
He has given us this as a gift,
a pleasure for one another
to be there for each other. Okay? So
now I don't think that we we do
honestly spend well, according to my research and
all the clients that I've seen, I don't
think we look at the intricate little things.
So I'd love to give you some gems
today
that can really make a difference in your
life. Neema, can we go to oh, okay.
So we jump into it right. So
Sorry.
Sis, just confirm that you'd like this is
the slide deck that you want.
Yeah. That's fine. That's fine. We can just
yeah. Okay. I'm on page 2 now. So
if you want me to go to the
next one, just let me know inshallah. Brilliant.
Okay. So lovely. So,
so sacred so sacred seduction is literally
the art of *,
which I have been blessed to have learnt
from the ancient worlds
and I've brought it into the modern day.
I think when we look at the ancient
words worlds, we see so much intricacy compared
to today, right? So look at like for
instance, if anybody has been to Alhambra,
you know, or you have been to Turkiye
or Iran and you have seen the intricate
detail
there are on our buildings compared to
our IKEA society. Right? That everything is kind
of chop, you know, plain square, and it's
it's pretty boring. We don't have that intricacy
anymore. We don't have that delicacy
where in the ancient world,
they took more time.
Time with everything. Right? And I think that's
what we're missing. SubhanAllah.
So I'd like to be able to bring
some of that intricacy.
When when I look at,
people like Nefertari, Nefertiti, Cleopatra from ancient Egypt,
you know, there was a reason why these
women, for instance, were so beautiful
and and put on a pedestal
because they spent so much time,
you know, taking care of themselves
and presenting themselves. Okay? So I feel that
in this modern world, everything is rush, rush,
rush, rush, you know, wham, bam, thank you,
ma'am. And it's just like, what are we
doing?
We are missing this.
So I'd like to take you through that
inshallah and if you can change your side,
please, my lovely.
So for me, anything that I do, I
always try to use the 5 senses. Okay?
This is something that even if, for instance,
we have any blind brothers and sisters, you
know,
here today, you know, then you've been blessed
with a heightened,
sound and heightened taste. Right? Alhamdulillah.
But those 5 senses
are so beautiful.
If you can excite
each and every one at the same time,
can you imagine
the explosion that you're going to have inshallah.
I didn't mean to use that word explosion
meant the butt.
You know what I mean? Gabriel said yesterday,
very important to stay serious and professional
when we're discussing this.
Thank you.
Okay.
So out of these 5 senses, I'm gonna
take you through
maybe
2 today,
and I'm gonna take you through one that
is obvious but not so obvious. So if
we can change a slide please, my lovely
inshallah.
Okay. Smell.
Now
when we think of smell, we know that,
you know, perfume, oud
is very important. Right? It is one of
the
most
underused,
senses when it comes to intro intimacy.
And I say that because some people just
think,
okay, they're gonna put a bit of spray
on and that's it. Well, actually, there's so
many different ways that we can use smell
and I'm gonna explore
just some of them today.
Bearing in mind
that each of the five senses literally could
be a whole full day's workshop. It's, you
know, literally,
for me to condense it down is is
been very difficult. And I am trying to
choose
the best of the best or I'm making
it easy by choosing things that we already
know. So I'm not trying to bring things
that, you know, like saffron. A lot of
people have saffron already in their
cupboards. Right? It may be something that's, you
know, that we only use a little bit
of because it is so expensive.
But
how many people know that you can use
saffron
to help
excite
your pleasure?
Not many people know that. They think that
we can use it as a dye,
even as a cure,
or you can, you you know, cook your
foods with it, subhanallah.
But a lot of people are not using
it. So I thought when I was looking
at them today and I was thinking, oh,
what you know, which ones do I choose?
I was thinking saffron.
Let's choose saffron because, again, looking at these
beautiful flowers, for those of you who don't
know what saffron is, which I'm sure that
you do, but what you see in the
young lady's hands are those fine red strands
from the beautiful purple flower.
Right? And those
fine strands are what we use as saffron.
Now you can go and buy them
in your local
stores, but please be careful because, obviously, this
is a commodity
that is, you know, worth its weight more
than gold. So there were there is a
lot of, cheats out there, unfortunately.
So make sure that you're getting a good
saffron.
But the smell
of saffron
has been
noted, scientifically
tested,
and used in the ancient worlds to help
increase people's libidos.
How many people actually knew that? And with
this course today, is this is not just
about,
you know, talking about it so that you've
got you work you go out there and
you get excited and you put the saffron
in your cupboard and you think, yes. I,
you know, I listened to, Anissa, and now
I've got, saffron in my cupboard
and it stays in the cupboard.
No.
The whole purpose of everything
that we
teach
is it is is
to take action.
Okay? So I wanna see everybody go and
get in some saffron
but
utilising it. Okay?
And saffron,
if you actually just pinch it and put
it between your fingers and you smell it,
it is it has a it has a
a very unique smell,
but when you crush it, it is even
better. And I'll be later showing you,
how and where you can apply these things.
So if you've if you're a smart person,
you'll be going and grabbing
a pen and a pad.
Okay. So that you can take these notes
and on your shopping list should be
saffron.
Okay?
Alright. Next slide.
Jasmine.
And I bet everybody thought, oh, okay. Well,
maybe the rose should be there. I mean,
I absolutely love roses, but actually the smell
of jasmine
has had
much more effects
on increasing the libido.
It is a very delicate plant as you
can see a flower. Sorry. You can see
these they're really delicate. If anybody knows and
has,
grown,
jasmine, it is really delicate. I mean, the
the flowers only last a little while and
you have to really take care of them.
Okay?
But the smell of jasmine
is has been studied scientifically. Like I said,
all of the things that I have that
I'm going to talk about have been studied
scientifically. So they're not just in the ancient
world, but they've been bought into modern science.
And this is
one of the ones that you need to
be putting on your list.
Okay?
Now again, you might be thinking, I'm not
gonna go and and wait to plant a
jasmine seed
and, wait for the, you know, the the
the flower to,
bloom.
What can I do? Well,
you can actually get
some essential oils.
You can get essential oils. And again, after
I go through the third one, I'll be
telling you,
different ways that we can use this. So
the second smell that is really potent
and that will help
increase your libido and get you in the
mood is
jasmine.
And my last one for today
is
ylang ylang.
Now, again, when you're thinking of ylang ylang,
you're not thinking, where's the rose? Where's the
rose? This is a smell that is, you
know,
people think when they think love and they
think of of intimacy,
they they well, I do anyway. I always
think rose.
But
again,
Allah has made us in such beautiful
in such a beautiful detailed way that these
plants that we see that are pleasure to
our eyes,
you know, they have properties.
They have properties that we can utilize and
use and it will stimulate
things for us. Okay? So I want you
to write down those 3. Okay? Write those
3 down
and how can we have them? Yes. You
can have them in the form of a
plant.
You can have the candles. If you get
candles, please get,
you know, good candles. Don't get cheap candles
that just have this fake smell in there
because,
again, from the health perspective and I'm sorry
because I always have to go back into
that. But, you want to get, like, a
good beeswax that beeswax that's mixed with this.
And even if you just get a plain
beeswax
candle and you put some essential oil drops
onto the scent,
this will have an aroma that, you know,
especially if you're gonna get married,
think like this. Right? Or, you know,
whatever
you you know, your your husband or your
wife is coming in and you want to
make them happy and you want to bring
that connection more closer.
Inshallah.
These are 3 that you can get. Now
smells like I said you can put them
on the body.
Okay?
Don't don't go out there and overdo it
now because you're gonna have, like, a like,
a cocktail of smells and it's gonna be
like, woah, it's too much. You've got to
be really subtle with these smells because you
want to kind of
almost,
you know,
tease with these smells
and let them be a surprise.
So what you can do
is you can have small sprays and put
them on the sheets.
Okay?
Just a little, like when I mean a
little bit, don't douse the bed over because
the the worst thing that you wanna do
with smells is make them, you know, overbearing.
Okay? And some people are very sensitive to
smells, subhanAllah.
So just bear that in mind.
But again, if you're gonna go and have
your wash, you know, you have your shower
and you're getting ready,
put very small
drops. Okay? And then and put them in
the areas
that maybe you know that your your husband
or your wife is going to go towards,
but again don't make them overwhelming.
Okay? So you can put them in the
air.
You can put them on the sheets. These
are just some suggestions, by the way. You
can even,
if you're running a hot bath, you
know, and you really just want to, you
know, tell your husband or your wife, look,
I'm in the mood, you know, help them
to help you to get in the mood.
Right? And you can put a few drops
of oil in the bath.
Again, these have been
scientifically proven
to boost your immune system.
And how many of you
knew these 3? Okay. There is a world
more of them. Okay. And we've just talked
about a few ways that you can utilise
them. I mean, how many people, like I
said, you know, do spray a little bit
on their sheets?
I'll tell you, subhanAllah, I went to pray
at a sister's house the other day,
my beautiful Marilyn,
And I was on the mat, and she
came behind me and sprayed.
It was actually the oud from the,
that they spray on the Kiswah in in
Mecca.
Alright. And honestly, that smell, as I prayed,
I it just transported me back there. And
that's the power of smell. They can have
that kind of, you know,
that,
memory where it can send you back somewhere.
So if you're if you've got an intimate
moment
with your husband or your wife and you
want to create a lasting memory,
smell
is the one that you want to use.
Okay?
Smell is such an important
important thing that again, so important that look
at the look at the perfume industry, it
is worth 1,000,000,000.
And by the way, we were the ones
who kind of, you know,
made the industry. If you don't know a
bit of our our history, go and find
out.
But it's such an important part,
you know, that we overlook it because we
just think, okay. And look at in the
deen when Allah says for the women not
to go out and, you
know, perfume themselves because of the attraction
that it has. Okay? And then when you
look at things like, you know, Hajj, you
know, again,
no scent, not even in the soap,
you know, subhanallah because, you know, you're almost
like cutting off
that,
that part that could excite something for you,
you know. But when it comes to the
intimacy side,
the ancient cultures
really did use this. They utilise this so
much. And there are things that you could
do. You know? I mean a lovely
gift. You know for your husband, for your
wife. Alhamdulillah. You know all of these things
just to show
your appreciation and and give a token of
love.
So smell for me is an important one
and I hope that you're gonna put that
one on your list and utilize it.
I if we have time later,
I would be happy
to,
take some questions and answers hopefully,
inshallah.
So,
yeah, I hope you've got that on your
list. Alright. So let's go on with the
next slide inshallah.
Taste. Okay. Bismillah.
So for those of you who stick around
later, I am gonna be giving you the
ultimate love recipe
that you can use. And
taste again,
I can talk about all day long, the
meals that you can cook, you know, the
way that you can excite each other with
foods.
But I want to talk about taste today
because
food has become something that is literally, you
know, you're hungry, you eat, and that's that's
fine for one part of it because it
is there
to,
fuel you. Right?
But food, as we know, should be also
our medicine. Right? It should be our medicine.
So when we're sick, Allah has subhanahu wa
ta'ala has created such beautiful
remedies
in the honey, in the black seed,
in so many fruits and vegetables out there
that we can have not just to fuel
our bodies, but to heal our bodies.
Well, how about
the intimacy side?
Do we look at that? So when we're
making a meal for our husbands
or husbands,
you know, deciding to cook a romantic meal
for your wife, which I hope some of
you brothers out there are doing,
do you stop to think,
what foods can I choose to cook today
or put on the plate that is actually
going to increase our connection?
Because that's what it's about. Right? It's about
increasing this pleasure, this connection, this sacred act
between a husband and a wife,
and most of us are missing that.
And I spoke to somebody today, subhanAllah, earlier
and they were like, please Anissa
share your recipe. Share your recipes.
But again, like I said, we can literally
talk about this all day long. There are
recipes upon recipes upon recipes
that you can utilize. But I think that
we are missing that trick. So I do
want to definitely
share with you
my recipe,
but I will definitely warn you as well.
I'm gonna warn you because it is something
that maybe I remember,
giving this recipe to somebody
who had I'm not sure about maybe about
7 to 8 kids and she was like,
Anissa, no more. No more. Please don't share
anything more because I don't wanna have any
more children, subhanAllah.
But seriously,
this is a way to increase the love.
And
there is a problem out there.
There is very high divorce in the community,
you know, and I know this because of
my work. I know this because of the
community support that I do.
It's not just me thinking, oh, you know,
there's a high level. There is
a high level.
There is a lot of intimacy
problems. There is brothers that just literally
want to get
second wives
because
they are not being satisfied.
Subhan Allah. You know, I'm just literally putting
it out there.
So this is important
to
save communities because it isn't just saving that
couple. You have got the children.
It affects the communities.
It affects the look of the Muslims. You
know, subhanallah, you know, everybody knows that shaitan,
this is the one that he tries to
do. He tries to split up couples.
And sometimes with couples, sometimes, yes, we get
the financial problems that you get, you know,
you may get,
you know, many different,
issues.
But when you have an intimate
intimacy issue,
this is something that, you know, we should
be seeking
to fix and not just fixing with talking.
Okay. Fixing with actually
trying to,
make it better. So if you know that
maybe, you know, you're not so attracted to
your husband,
there are ways that you can
literally help,
you know, increase your own libido
so that it becomes a bit more pleasurable
also for you. You know? SubhanAllah. This is
something
again that I see and
I advise my patients and I say to
them, listen,
you know, have you been doing this? And
I would say 90
98%
of the time, they will say, no. We
haven't thought about that and we haven't tried
it. But why haven't you? Subhanallah. You know?
Just the same way as if you're sick,
you'll go out there and seek medication.
Like I said, Allah with
his, you know, absolute mercy.
You know, subhanAllah
has provided these things for us so that
we can
enjoy it, but it can, you know, it
can kind of heal us. It can make
us better. It can keep us together. SubhanAllah.
So I hope that this is something that,
you know, you're going to be,
putting on your list inshallah. I am honestly,
brother
Gabriel.
I'm trying to be as poised as possible,
but this is,
something, like I said, for me personally,
you know, I've wanted to talk about this
for so long
because
it is
an issue. I am looking at 18 year
old girls who have been married
4 times.
I'm looking at people that are just literally
divorcing because of this one thing,
you know. And if we don't openly talk
about it as a community,
then we can't fix it. And again, for
our,
young generation
who have been now exposed to a very
sexualized
culture. You know, it has changed. I again
talked about this over 20 years ago when
I saw
how the clothes
for the children were being shortened,
you know, everything was becoming, you know, it
was it was ridiculous. I remember
my,
my eldest daughter,
you know, they they were taking away,
the seating arrangements in schools, And they wanted
them to sit boy, girl, boy, girl because
they didn't want them to group
into their, you know, their their their sexes,
because they were literally trying to take away
their fitra.
And that was
22
years ago.
You know? So there is there is issues
out there. Like I said, we are exposed,
you know, the the the TV,
the social media,
the fact that there are, you know, a
lot of people just don't have any shame
anymore. I'm sure you see it. Right? You
know, I'm I mean, being in the UK,
it's like where do you put your head,
you know, as a woman, let alone the
men having to lower their gazes. You know,
where do they where and how do they
walk? You know, with these women that have
no shame in in ex exposing bodily, you
know, parts. Subhanallah. It is a it's a
big issue. It's a big fit now. And
but yet,
what has Allah given us?
He has given us first and foremost the
hijab
which protects us. Right? Alhamdulillah
from the outside world.
But he's also given us, you know, the
encouragement
for beautification
for our spouse and our loved ones subhanallah.
Right? So it doesn't mean to say just
because you wear your hijab, right, and your
jalabas and your abayas or your thobe that
that's it for you. Okay?
That when you come home, you just throw
it all off and you get in your
pyjamas.
Absolutely no way.
Okay. And as much as I want to
go in and talk about that side, but
if you do
join our VIP section, I will go into
details Insha'Allah.
Okay.
But this Allah has given us the perfect
package. Right? We go out and we're protected
from the outside world but when we come
inside
this is our
sacred space
and for the husband and wife when they
go to their quarters,
that's their even more sacred space and we
need it.
We need it to shield us away from
every
madness out there on the billboards and the
TV screens,
you know, just walking down the streets, on
the public transports. You name it. Right? We
need this. Okay. So let's let's create this,
like I said, sacred
place that we can share this intimacy
inshallah and make it
the best.
Don't just make it that slap up meal
of mashed potatoes. I don't even know why
I'm using mashed potatoes and peas and a
bit of cod. I don't know why. But
let's make it that gourmet meal. Let's take
the time because there's Barakah in it.
Okay?
And the beautiful
Barakah that comes from it is also the
fact that,
you know, it's the procreation. It's the children.
SubhanAllah.
Okay. Now are we ready to share this
are we ready to share this, recipe, miss
Midla? Let's share this last bit of recipe.
I hope that we can.
Let let's share it.
Okay.
So here is Anees's Secret
love potion, Bismillah.
Okay. So what have we got on this
list?
We have
watermelon.
We have pomegranate.
We have red ginseng. We have maca and
we have that beautiful saffron that we talked
about there. So, look, we talked about saffron
earlier because it was part of the smell,
but here we also have it as part
of
the taste,
SubhanAllah.
Okay? And then,
you've got, half a cup of let of
watermelon juice. Watermelon juice on its own, by
the way, is just literally
like a powerhouse,
let alone mixing it with all the rest.
Okay? So the watermelon juice, I mean,
again,
you know, for the men,
I think the watermelon juice, this is the
most important. So women, if there's any women
out there and you've got tired husbands and
you wanna just slip something into his, drink,
don't give him a diet Coke or, you
know,
a cup of tea or coffee.
Give him some watermelon juice. Okay, miss Miller.
Pomegranate,
it is a a fruit that our beloved
prophet, peace be upon him, loved. And if
you look at it and you open it
up, you can see it's like jewels already.
It's so beautiful. Right?
So again, don't take the seeds out,
utilize the seeds too.
Again,
the pomegranate,
you know, subhanAllah, I I I could talk
about this so much, but pomegranate
actually has so many medicinal,
properties that we are missing.
Maybe,
for those of you who want to join
the VIP, I can delve into this a
bit more,
but
I wanna talk about red ginseng.
This is
very powerful.
Not only
as as something to increase the libido,
but actually it relaxes you too. So it
has that kind of cool effect. Okay?
So it has that so if your husband
or your wife is coming home and they're
really stressed and they're tense from whether it's
work or the children
or just the, you know, whatever's going on
in life. If you want to help, you
know, decrease the stress,
red ginseng is something that we have.
I'd love to know if anybody's
has ever tried any of these as well
because, you know, for me, I don't see
enough people, you know, going out and, you
know,
taking the effort to make these things,
that can help us inshallah. Maca
is very popular. You can go into your
health shops and get that. And I've actually
obviously put down the amount as well because
you don't want to overdo it. Okay. We
don't wanna, you know, we want you to,
you know, have your pleasure. Then
we want you to go to bed and
get up for fajal. Right?
And then you've got, again, like I said,
your saffron. So literally,
it is
throwing all of these into a blender. If
you haven't got a blender,
you can always use a a a pestle
and mortar
and crush them,
and then strain them. You want to strain
it.
Okay? And then you drink it. Okay?
Inshallah.
The saffron, you could, you know, kinda leave.
You could put a bit on top. Try
and make it fancy. Get a nice glass.
Don't put it in a, you know, in
a mug for instance. Right? Because then you're
gonna kill the mood. Okay? You wanna make
it look nice. You can you can,
slice a bit of a strawberry and put
it on the side of the glass,
you know, make it look nice. Don't just,
you know, here you go, here you go,
have this shot, you know,
I went on an,
kind of a webinar today, and then, you
know, I was told that this is gonna
help us. Bismillah, drink it. No. Bring it
with love.
Bring it and think of the ancient worlds,
you know. They had these beautiful gauntlets, you
know. You
know, typically, we think that they had wine
in it, but why? Wine doesn't have to
be wine. You know, they can have these
beautiful juices that Allah has
provided with us. And imagine bringing that to
your husband and then imagine doing
what our beloved prophet, peace be upon him,
and his beloved wife Aisha did,
you know, by kind of turning it and,
you know,
you you having a drink first and then
you turn it around so that your your
husband's or your wife's lips can all of
these small things create
intimacy,
create connections
inshallah.
I think I have spoken too much already,
haven't I, Naima? So I don't know if
we have any time for questions, do we,
my lovely?
Do we have some time for questions?
Yes. The reason I'm changing the screen is
not because you've gone over time or anything.
It's because I know that people want to
see you.
So when we have the slides, we only
see you in the corner of the screen.
So I know that people wanna see you.
But
just one of the things
that is coming up for me as I'm
hearing you, I'm listening to you
is
as you mentioned, this is these ancient arts.
It's almost like they're these ancient feminine arts
that have been lost.
Yes. Definitely.
So tell us about the VIP
class. And also, we want to know whether
sister Anissa is going to be doing any
courses or coaching or any support for sisters
to reconnect with their feminine,
you know, through the senses. But tell us
about the class, InshaAllah.
Okay. Wonderful.
So I'm gonna put you on I'm gonna
give the screen to you because I think
people need to see this from you Insha'Allah.
Okay.
So yes. 1st and foremost, with the VIP,
we will be going through all 5 senses
so that you get that whole picture. You
could already see how the saffron
played its part in 2 parts already. Right?
So it was in the smell and then
it was in the taste one already. Now
I'm gonna give you a much more broader,
scope of that, so that you can actually
implement. Because remember what I said earlier, it's
about implementation.
And for the sisters,
and I know this is a topic that,
you know, a lot of people are struggling
with, You know, I have got some courses,
alhamdulillah. I've even got an interactive one where
we will come together and make
these beautiful remedies and these oils, you know,
imagine some beautiful massage oils that have got
specific
scents
in that you can utilise and use and
I can show you techniques on how you
can relax your husband's
etcetera. So it's, you know, cause a lot
of people they don't just learn by listening.
Right? We have so many different teaching methods,
but an interactive class where you can make
dishes, you can see us chopping, you do
we do it together.
Okay?
And we really get stuck in.
There's also exercises as well. This is a
big one because again, a lot of us
with kids, we lose it, we put on
weight. This doesn't have to be the case.
I want the women especially
to feel
like queens. I want them to feel like
Nefertari
and Nefertiti and Cleopatra and even more so,
you know, subhanAllah, the gems that Allah, subhanahu
wa ta'ala, has made us
feel beautiful
again.
Okay.
Why? Because you're doing it for the sake
of Allah
and then you are serving your husband in
the most beautiful way. Okay. So it's going
to increase that love, increase that connection, keep
your families
together
and this is important,
you know, I kind of see it as
we are counteracting the shaitan and his plots,
you know, to split the families up. No.
Let's increase that love. Let's have those marriages
that last
for years years years and then continue into
Jannah inshallah.
Okay? And we can do this by preserving
this
sacred
act inshallah.
This beautiful, you know, there there's so much
information out there. It's like where do you
start? Okay. I've already condensed
years of it and, you know, taking what
I learnt before Islam as well and bringing
that in because, you know, I had I
had role models and they were
cheeky role models, but they're not halal for
us to watch now, you know. So I've
kind of Islamicized
it all,
made it halal for us and made it
into something that I hope that I can
share with the world, getting our young
beautiful sisters ready for marriage. Okay? Or maybe
you've been married already and, you know, you've
kind of lost that and you wanna yeah.
I, you know, I need to, you know,
have that confidence again. Okay? There's nothing wrong.
We are feminine
human beings, you know, subhanAllah
and we should embrace that femininity.
But how?
With the 5 senses,
it is just
like I said, it's literally like fireworks. So,
yeah, I hope that I've got some people
here today that are gonna join this VIP
class inshallah.
Masha'Allah. We've had a great take up on
the VIP class already.
So I'm expecting loads, loads more inshallah before
the workshop kicks off.
And I just want to thank you for,
you know, being available to us and
reminding us of some of these things that
as you said,
in today's modern world,
we've just lost so much. You know, when
you mentioned about the beauty of Alhambra and,
you know, just the ancient cultures, the
all sorts of cultures.
There was this sense of
really slowing down and taking time and enjoying
so many aspects of life that today
we just take for granted.
We want to rush it. We want to
microwave everything. We want to get Uber Eats.
You know, it's a quick fix for everything.
And I love how you've
invited us
to slow down in this area, particularly us
as women
to pour into this. Right? To be creative
with this, to to take our time with
it, to put some thought into it. Like
you said, you know, the mashed potatoes and
the peas,
versus the gourmet meal mashaAllah.
So expecting loads of people on the on
the workshop. Would you say that the workshop
is more appropriate for sisters only or is
it open to everyone? What do you
like us to do? Okay. So the actual
workshops
itself, the the the VIP VIP one. Yeah.
We can open that up to brothers as
well. That's fine.
But the interactive one, of course that's the
sisters only inshallah.
Fair enough
So, Cisis, tell everybody where they can find
you, please, and your social handles. If you
have a website, tell them how they can
reach you.
So, I'm actually as you know, Naima, I'm
not very good at this social stuff, but
it's just my name, Anisa Kissun,
a n
I s a n. I really forgot how
to spell my name there. I was in
this kind of little pleasure garden, Surbhanallah.
Anisa Kasun,
and you can find me on Instagram. I
am on Facebook as well.
I'm not really great on the socials, but
I'm gonna make an effort inshallah because,
like I said, to be given this opportunity
to come back
and to share this is, you know, I'm
I'm super excited. It it is definitely one
of the answers to my duas. SubhanAllah.
And then, yes, I do have a website
as well.
So my website is Maya,
m
a y y a,
dotco.uk.
Okay? And there, you know, you can find
stuff about, you know, the hijama
and other things that I teach, and there's
a lovely free
ebook as well. Grab your free ebook. This
is something that I've been doing for years.
This is like my 20 odd years
compiled into one book, and I've made it
really simple. So it's all about health and
how to keep healthy,
prevention,
building your immune system, you know, destressing,
etcetera.
Grab it. It's free. While it's free, miss
Miller, grab it. It's a gift.
I love this. And actually,
we have, some questions here. So people have
been listening and very attentively.
One of
the VIPs said I sense the speaker has
a liking for organic food.
Do you recommend a supplier for the exotic
fruits?
You know what? Definitely. When it comes to
the things that I've mentioned today, especially on
the list, please get the organics. Because like
I said, unfortunately,
you know, there there's a lot of fakes
out there. Okay?
I've seen it myself. It's ridiculous.
And you so you wouldn't want, for instance,
to be going to get something like red
ginseng, and then you're finding out that it's
been grown
in human faeces. Right?
You need to kind of keep
the organic.
And, actually, if you do come on the
VIP,
I'll be giving some links away as well
so that you can get safe stuff,
Because, you know, I'm really,
particular about our foods and what we're consuming,
the amount of pesticides,
you know. And I know that a lot
of people will say, well, I can't afford
it. Well, actually, if we cut back on
certain things, we don't need to be eating
large amounts of food anyway. And if you
prioritize,
especially, your dairy,
you know, and your you know, try as
much as you can with the open fruits,
the ones that are exposed, like the strawberries
and stuff like that. They take a lot
of,
of pesticides in. And then you're just gonna
be,
ingesting them and and it's not gonna be
good for you. So yes, to that question,
just try to be as organic as possible.
And remember, we're not just talking about foods,
with regards to even this topic in terms
of,
you know,
intimacy,
you really wanna be careful with what you're
washing your body with,
and making sure that that hasn't got a
lot of,
chemicals in it because it will just literally
seep through and go into your bloodstream. And
then you'll have to all come to me
for hijama to be detoxed and cleaned. So,
I'm trying to save you there.
Thank you so much for that because that's
a very, very good point. And another
super,
observation here.
One of our VIP says that he likes
your conception or she or he likes your
conception of the sacred space
and inner sanctum.
Do you recommend cutlery and crockery that couples
use specifically as a precursor for sensual atmosphere
instead of just using your ordinary daily stuff?
I personally
go to the sunnah, you know, the touch.
Remember, the touch is 1. And I'm happy
that you're a VIP because I'm gonna really
go into the touch. But why would you
use cutlery?
Hey, it can look nice if you haven't
and you can fit, but use your fingers.
Like, use your fingers cut to the chase
because that touch,
you know, I mean, imagine, okay, you've got
a fork, right, and then you're feeding somebody.
But imagine if your your your fingers touch
just their lips just a little bit. Woah.
That's gonna be like, you know, it's a
hot stuff. Right? So
forget the cut, Louis. I say stick with
the sunnah. Make sure you've obviously cleaned and
you've got nice trimmed fingernails and etcetera, but
utilize
utilize what Allah has given us.
I like that. I don't think I was
expecting that and I don't think that the
VIP person was expecting that either.
Like we said guys, this this is an
art form.
You know, possibly we could say in most
of our communities a lost art form.
So
very very excited to dig deeper in in
the VIP lesson. I will definitely be there
Insha'Allah.
And, for those of you who have not
upgraded for
VIP, it's in every email that we send
you. There should be a link for you
to upgrade. And if you upgrade, you can
come to the workshop for free. It's a
special
gift to all our VIPs. So we want
to see all of you there insha'Allah sis.
This has been really
enjoyable. Somebody on YouTube said that this is
so intriguing
and I think that that's what it is.
It's intriguing.
So JazakAllah Khayron.
Hope you enjoy the rest of the conference.
And I know that this is not going
to be the last time that we see
you on this channel and on this platform.
But may Allah bless you and your family
with every hair.
To you as well, especially for being brave
enough for open up this cop topic so
that we can, you know, comfortably
talk about it with experts
or just even like you said, just open
up the mindset because people just they don't
know that fast paced society that we talked
about, doesn't give us some time to reflect,
to ponder enough.
So a big
may Allah reward you and your children.
And everybody else out there, please do make
dua for my family and I, I will
take it inshallah.
Salam Alaik.
Wonderful. Alright, guys. Next up, we have our
next speaker and
that is brother Nasir Al Amin. Insha'Allah he
is going to be joining us and going
to be speaking about
how to well your emotional
toolbox for better intimacy.
So you guys are probably familiar with brother
Nasir. He's been on this channel before.
He was at the secrets of successful wives
conference.
Causing a stir.
Getting people riled up in the comments
but
also attracting friends and foes.
And he was also we had a marriage
conversation as well, for the podcast.
So I'm super excited to welcome him here.
He's got his toolkit. He's these in his
wheelhouse because this is all about emotions,
and the psychology that goes behind
better intimacy. So brother Nasr, please inshallah, if
you're able
to,
get your video going, we can get started
right away inshallah.
Welcome back to the channel. JazakAllah Khayden for
coming.
Slight challenge here, though.
I need you to allow me to share
my screen. Right. Will do. Will do.
Right.
Okay, guys. So I'm gonna make you
I will make you host inshallah so that
you're able to do that. For some reason,
it's not allowing everyone to share screens, which
is a bit annoying. Hold on a second.
Bear with us everybody on YouTube while we
get this set up Insha'Allah.
What I'll do is I'll start the recording
and then I will pop off
and give you the host.
And then you'll be able to share your
screen.
Okay? Can I charge you for being a
host?
I think I should charge you for being
a host because you're going to be hosting
inshallah.
Bismillah.
Okay. Let's go.
Assalamu alaikum everybody. Welcome. Welcome to our next,
session. It's day 3 of the intimacy conversation.
Alhamdulillah.
And, we have our next speaker that's brother
Nasir Al Amin.
And, he is going to take it away.
Inshallah.
Brother, firstly,
in case people don't know you, please could
you introduce yourself, tell them about the work
that you do, and then we can jump
into the emotional toolkit that we all need
to develop for better intimacy.
Yeah. So Nasir Al Amin, I am a
cognitive behavioral coach.
My background is in psychology
and counseling.
I did undergrad at VCU in Richmond, Virginia,
graduate work at Columbia University in New York.
And I help Muslims particularly,
understand
and control their emotions,
through a modality that I use called CBT
cognitive behavioral therapy.
So that's what I do. Majority of my
client base, ironically are was a woman.
I tell the story often that,
sisters are,
more likely
to get help when they sense smoke.
Whereas brothers are more likely to get help
when
the couch that they're on and the remote
that they're watching TV with turns on fire
or gets on fire.
So majority of base majority of my client
base are Muslim women, UK, Canada,
and the states.
So that's what I do. I help couples
as well,
so that they can have a more meaningful
functioning relationship,
and a happy,
satisfying relationship.
So I'm gonna get started.
Let me
share my screen.
So
is there any way I can get a
confirmation from you, mister Naima, that you are
that everyone is seeing this, not just you?
Yep. We should all be seeing it just
to make it the full screen, and, yeah,
we're good to go.
My apologies. I'm trying to get to the
plate.
What am I missing here?
I think it needs to the,
command that was there before was present from
the beginning,
but it seems to have moved away now.
So, any web heads out there, please do
tell us what we're missing. If you go
to slideshow
next to animations.
Like, animation. Slideshow slideshow. Yeah. And go from
beginning
below that.
Yeah.
Miss Miller.
Yes.
Okay. Let's try that again.
We're good to go. We're good
with Gucci?
Yes.
Okay.
So the aim of this,
I've listened to some of the other presenters,
and they've given you great insight and some
tools as well.
My purpose here is not to provide,
counseling of any,
sort. This is just to give you
a philosophy that you can use, a modality
that you can use, and some skill sets
to walk away with.
So if you have,
a pen and pad, that would be great.
If not, I would ask you to go
and grab one very quickly
because my aim here is to give you,
tools, right? To give you some techniques to
use so that you're able to deescalate
yourself.
Right. That's the aim. So when I'm saying
emotional control,
it's not
your, your partner or spouse being in control
of you or your emotional destiny. It's you
being in control of that. And by you,
being in control of your emotional destiny, your,
emotional state, you're better positioned to be assertive
and influence the behavior that you want out
of your park,
right. Or to have
difficult conversations. So you can have difficult conversations
when you're in the best mental and emotional
space. So the aim here is to give
you a few tools and techniques
to help you stay in the best emotional
space
when you get what you don't want
and or to deescalate
when you find yourself
in a space emotionally
that
isn't constructive
to your goal
of
intimacy.
And when I speak of intimacy in this
presentation,
I don't mean
just what happens
in the bedroom or the living room or
wherever your place of
interaction is.
What I mean by that is
all of the interactions,
even what happens outside of,
the home, that interaction, that aura that you
have,
particularly as a man,
in terms of how your wife views you,
the narrative that she has about you,
and that a great influence to that is,
your emotional well-being.
So I wanna start here. I want you
to trust me enough to close your eyes,
and I want us to
visualize
a box.
Yes.
I want you to visualize
a box.
So
close your eyes,
and
I want to invite you to visualize a
box.
And in that box
are the narratives,
meanings,
perceptions,
evaluations
that you make about yourself,
your spouse,
and life conditions.
And I would argue about your law.
I want you to visualize
the parameters
of that box,
the breadth
of your box.
And I want you to visualize it being
flexible
and adjustable.
It will expand and contract
according to the narratives that you create.
The meanings you add to your box
and the attitudes you remove from
and or the evaluations
you adjust,
meaning the attitudes that aren't serving you and
the evaluations
that you need to adjust
based off of your lived experience
and your marital experience.
And these are experiences which inform you that
some narratives in your box are not working
for you.
They are not serving your marriage.
So ideally, the responsibility
for your box.
I'm sorry. So ideally, the parameters and the
contents of your box,
which you have personal responsibility
for
should be impressionable
and accommodating
to alternative narratives
about yourself,
your spouse, and life conditions.
In essence, the narratives you tell yourself about
yourself
and about your spouse
influences the narratives
your spouse holds about you
and the subsequent intimacy
you both experience. And that's a point I
want to reiterate.
The narratives you tell yourself about yourself and
about your spouse
influences
the narratives your spouse holds
about
you and the subsequent intimacy
you both experience.
So if you closed your eyes and you
followed along with me, then please open your
eyes. Eyes. So what I'm gonna do now
is I'm going to just briefly give you
some
key points.
Right? Some terminology
for us to have as we move forward.
When you hear me mention narratives, what I
mean is the meanings we make. We are
meaning makers as people. We perceive things as
human beings. We perceive things, and we make
evaluations
about them. We develop meanings about them. The
meanings that we make about what others
think, feel, say, and do as well as
what we think, feel,
feel, say, and do. Those are narratives.
Right?
So that's one point. The second point is
the power to influence,
not control,
Right? The narratives you tell
yourself about yourself and about your spouse
influences the narratives
your spouse holds about you
and the sub subsequent intimacy
you both experience. So
understand that
you have the power to influence,
not the power to control.
You may desire something and want something,
but the problem we run into is when
we start demanding that what we want must
be what we
that our spouse must act according to our
whims, our desires, our wishes. No matter how
right we may be,
we can't control other people. So it's important
to understand
that we only have the power to influence
and the best way to influence someone is
to be in the best space, mentally and
emotionally.
Nobody wants to listen to someone who's angry,
who's rageful, Who's yelling, who's throwing things.
So the way that you, as someone that's
in control of your own emotional destiny,
right? Taking personal responsibility for your emotions. The
way you do that is by understanding how
to deescalate yourself to get into the best
space emotionally so that then you can influence
because you know you can't control.
So that's the second point to remember.
The second point is emotional regulation,
right? The ability to regulate your emotions. Right.
Right. To influence the narrative of your spouse
and that of yourself. Right. In a practical
terms is what I've been saying so far
to be able to deescalate
yourself
and not placing the ownership
for how you feel. And this is what
I mean when I refer to emotional destiny,
not placing that
on your spouse.
And that's a very dangerous thing to do
because when you place your emotional destiny in
the hands of someone else, even a loved
one, a spouse or family members,
then your emotional destiny for that moment for
that day is dependent on
how someone else woke up for that day,
depending on how their boss treated them at
work, depending on how their kids are treated,
your emotional state, your emotional destiny
is in the hands of someone else. I
want you to visualize the puppet. You're not
like the puppet master. When you don't take
emotional control,
emotional responsibility
for your emotions,
you are actually just a puppet and someone
else has the strings.
The way you cut those strings is by
taking emotional,
responsibility
for
for your emotions.
And that's the second point, emotional responsibility.
And that's just you accepting
that you are emotionally
responsible
for
yourself.
The emotions that you have, you are the
greatest influence of those emotions.
We create our emotions.
That's a difficult point for a lot of
people to
accept.
And so
to help you with that,
we're going to
1,
2.
There we go.
The car incident.
Sister Naomi, can you hear me?
Yep. All good. Okay.
So you thought that you would be able
to sit back, but you must be a
participant in this. Okay?
Okay.
Okay. So
we are in the car, and, obviously, you
are in the back.
Keep this alive.
You're in the back of the car, and
I'm driving
in my Lambo as you can see. I'm
driving
and a car cuts me off. I start
hitting the steering wheel. I start screaming. I
start yelling all the 4 letter words you've
heard and those that you have not heard.
And I start speeding up and I start
hitting the horn. You say to me,
what happened? Why are you screaming? What's going
on with you? What's why are you hitting
the stairway? Why are you swearing? Why are
you speeding?
What do you think I'm gonna say?
I know what you think I'm gonna say.
So you don't even have to say
What you think I'm going to say is
that car cut me off.
Right? That's what you were gonna say. Right?
Yes.
Okay. The car cut me off. So when
you ask me, why am I speeding? I
say to you because the car cut me
off.
What I would suggest to you is that's
not the real reason why I'm speeding.
The real reason why I'm speeding is after
the car cut me off,
I said to myself,
how dare he cut me off?
He must be crazy. Oh, I'm going to
show him.
No one treats me like that.
And then after that,
I then sped up. I then started hitting
the stick hitting the steering wheel. I then
started swearing.
So the point here that I want to
get across to you is I was the
greatest influence to my emotional destiny, the anger
and rage that I that I felt, what
I subsequently
did. It wasn't the car cutting me off.
That did happen. That was unfortunate.
But the greatest influence to how I felt
is what I told myself
after the adversity happened.
The adversity happened. I told myself something. I
created a narrative.
I created a narrative.
I perceived an event. I made an evaluation.
So hence a a narrative,
and then I acted that up.
So the point that I want you to
get is to prove that we are the
ones that are emotionally, that we are the
ones that are personally responsible
for our emotions. We create them. Yes. Events
happen.
Your husband says something that's disrespectful. Your wife
says something that's disrespectful.
These are the tests and adversities that Allah
says are going to happen.
We know that once we come into this
world, we're going to be tested.
What's on us is the beliefs and narratives
we create
after those tests.
And those tests can be in your marriage.
It can be work. It can be professional.
It can be academia. It can be through
relationships with friends or relationship itself. Those are
all adversities
and tests,
but the narrative, the meaning you make is
what greatly influences
how you feel
internally,
your emotions, and what you do.
Similarly, when it comes to intimacy
and how you approach intimacy,
those narratives that you create
post an event happen
is gonna be the greatest influence
to the intimacy you experience.
So, Naomi, did you enjoy the car ride?
It was a very informative
car ride, and people in YouTube are loving
this. Absolutely loving this. We've got, sister Khadija
saying true emotional intelligence is very important in
every relationship.
Brother Talha says we can't control what happens
to us in life. We can control our
emotions and reactions which is exactly as you
said. And sister Khadija says that is a
good example. So.
So
this is where
this is where the
YouTube
and the comments
are going to hate me.
You ready for the spice?
Because that was also a setup.
The setup here is this, and this is
a own, a side note we can discuss
later. And when it's q and a,
This is why
this is why you need to this is
why we need to stop telling men to
be vulnerable.
We need to stop telling men to be
vulnerable. What we need to encourage men and
women to do is to learn how to
regulate their emotions,
how to regulate their emotions when an event
happens,
how to understand it,
meaning perceive it, how to evaluate it,
and then how to choose a response
that's consistent with our goals, values, and purpose.
That's emotional regulation.
So just a side note, we can
battle it out in q and a, but
I had to get that off my chest.
So
now that we all agree on emotional regulation
or emotional responsibility,
let's look at this this formula. I also
put this in here because a lot of
my clients,
have found benefit in this. And a lot
of people that have reached out to me,
want some type of formula. Right?
Right now, this what I'm gonna give you
is a framework of tolerance
to determine whether you should stay in your
relationship,
in your marriage. So when I speak of
relationship with partner, I mean, marriage context.
Let me be clear.
Do not take this and then go pronounce
divorce and or
and then and or request a divorce. That's
not what this is. This is just to
help you put a structure in your mind
in terms of,
is the benefit
worth it to stay or are the cost
too much of staying in the relationship?
And the reason why I'm adding this is
we'll see, in the next slide. Okay. So
tier 1 is dissatisfaction.
Okay. Tier 1, you are willing to tolerate
your partner's undesirable
behavior,
and you think the relationship is worth maintaining.
Tier 2, disturbance.
You are not willing to tolerate your partner's
undesirable
behavior, but you think the relationship is worth
maintaining.
Tier 3, you are not willing to tolerate
your partner's undesirable
behavior, and you think the relationship,
excuse me, is not worth maintaining.
What do I want you to see here?
1, all 3
are talking about tolerance,
but they also indicate whether a relationship
by the standards that you set for yourself,
if it's worth maintaining.
Most couples that come to me, most sisters
that reach out to me that want to
fix their relationship,
they're at tier 2.
Tier 2 is you're not willing to tolerate
it,
and
you think the relationship is worth saving them.
That's where you don't want to be. If
you're in tier 3, there's no discussion to
have. That's a whole separate conversation.
But if you're talking about increasing the intimacy,
it's either tier 2 or tier 1. And
I would suggest to you, in order to
have a healthy intimate relationship with your partner,
male or female, you need to be at
tier 1.
When we look at tier 2,
most
couples that get to me are at that,
and my first objective with them is to
get them to tier 1. What is tier
1? Tier 1, because we've already acknowledged that
we're responsible for our own emotions.
Tier 1 is
our emotional response to the adversity,
I e, the undesirable
behavior of what my partner is doing,
I respond
with a healthy emotion,
I e, a helpful emotion,
concern, frustration,
sadness,
disappointment,
helpful functional anger
versus
disturbance.
When an adversity happens, my spouse does something
that he knows or she knows is disrespectful.
I respond
with,
depression, anxiety,
dysfunctional anger.
That's disturbance. Before you can get to,
healing
the relationship,
improving the intimacy,
you must address the tier 2, the disturbance.
Why?
Look,
makeup *, anger, rageful *, intimacy,
It's nice, but it's short lived.
It's like a Band Aid.
It doesn't have it doesn't work in the
long term interest
of the relationship
or the long term interest, mental and emotional
interest of your partner.
Because although they may be intimate with you
in the moment,
after that intimacy is over,
those thoughts are going to come back,
those unhelpful
thoughts.
And if you don't know how to deal
with those unhelpful thoughts and you decide to
cope with them by just
intimacy,
in this case, * or a substance or,
*
or
comfort eating or comfort shopping.
You're only masking the problem.
So the aim here, and this is why
we must understand that a modality
is because it's a modality that's gonna help
you get from tier 2 to tier.
And each person, the, the wife and the
husband has the personal responsibility,
despite what's going on
to work on their own emotional control.
They have to do their own emotional work.
Now they can come together and do it,
which would be ideal and great, but their
personal responsibility
is on understanding their modality so that they
can move from tier 2 to tier 1.
And or and this is the other perk
of it, to understand and make a healthy
assessment
of whether you need to be in this
relationship or not,
to make a decision when you're emotionally sober,
not drunk off love.
So again, tier 1 is what we want
to get to tier 1 is where we
can have those constructive
conversations
about intimacy.
We can have those uncomfortable
conversations,
right? That's tier 1. That's when there's marital
dissatisfaction,
satisfaction, right? When I'm frustrated with you, I
can still have a conversation with you. That's
respectful
in tone and addiction.
But when I'm angry with you, I'm more
than likely to say something to you
that's not respectful,
Something I'll regret,
something that's hurtful.
I'll do that in tone and diction. That's
what those are the behaviors
associated with anger.
Brother, I have a question. Do you mind
me asking it now before we move on?
I would prefer you ask a question at
any point. Okay.
So if you just go back to the
previous slide, and you've got tier 1 as
marital dissatisfaction
in which you're willing to tolerate
your partner's undesirable behavior, and you could think
the relationship is worth maintaining.
So
what would be,
like, ground 0 if you like? What would
be, you know,
better than this if you like? Because, obviously,
I guess, is it that there is a
specific behavior that is undesirable that is causing
this dissatisfaction?
Is that what it means? Is that the
tears start when there is a specific behavior
or incident that is causing this disturbance or
this upset? Is that is that have I
understood it correctly?
Yeah. So so,
you know, the reality is there's going to
be,
I would suggest
it's fluid. Right?
You you ideally want the majority relationship to
be, you know, in a state of satisfaction.
But there's going to be things that a
a partner does that
brings about dissatisfaction.
Okay.
And that's understandable. Whatever that thing may be,
it may be that, you know,
I had a I had a client once
where one of her issues was her husband
leaves out early for work in the morning
and before the her and the kids wake
up.
And he never calls
to say that he's at work
or to check-in on her during the day.
She only hears from him once he's back
home.
Right? So that's the undesirable
behavior.
Right?
And the appropriate,
understandable
emotional response from a wife would be,
frustration,
irritation,
annoyance.
Okay. Right? Because she can still she can
still
meet him at the door when he comes
home with a smile and a kiss, and
then wait for the appropriate time to have
a constructive
conversation,
a functional conversation
about what she desires.
Now this is a key point
I want everyone to make note of.
At no point in this conversation am I
suggesting that you should not be assertive,
that you should not articulate
your desire and your wants.
The aim of this is to get you
in the best space mentally and emotionally
to then
be assertive,
to then articulate
the increase in intimacy,
whether it's what's happening in the bedroom, whether
it's the kiss at the door, whether it's
a hug once you wake up, whatever that
intimacy is, whether it's buying flowers,
whether it's buying flowers and knowing that your
wife loves roses, but she prefers the roses
that don't have the thorns.
Right?
So
you. You with me? Yeah. Yeah. So satisfaction
is basically there isn't this at that time.
There isn't an undesirable behavior. Things are cool.
And then when there is this undesirable behavior,
that's when the tears start, basically.
Yeah. And and so so, again, it's it's
very fluid. There may be so 99%
of the things can be satisfactory.
But then is that one thing that's there's
dissatisfaction.
And so the issue is when there is
that one issue that's that's creating dissatisfaction,
That's not really the issue or the problem.
The problem is when there's disturbance,
because what we need to get you back
up to
is frustration
and irritation. So this is a great question.
This is an important thing to mention.
The aim here is not to make a
spouse feel happy about a undesirable behavior.
It's for them to have a constructive negative
emotion
about the undesirable behavior.
Does that make sense? Got it.
Right? Is that correct?
So so what I want you to feel
so it's understandable for a wife or a
husband to feel irritated with their spouse. That's
still constructive.
What you don't want is for them to
experience
the the anxiety
or the depression.
Right? The healthy alternative to depression is sad.
The healthy alternative to anxiety is concern.
The healthy alternative to anger is frustration and
irritation and, and annoyance.
That's what you wanna get people to. Tier
1 are those healthy negative emotions.
Makes sense?
Yes. Okay.
So apologies. There is the the color went
off on tier 10. So now this is
the first
tool that I want
you to use, or it says tool 2.
So apologies. This says tool 2, but on
your notes that I know you are taking,
please write 201.
This is important.
One of the things that I give clients
in system management, please, if you have any
questions, jump in.
One of the things that I always give
clients is,
the assignment to create their own personal catastrophe
scale. This is important
because oftentimes what we what we what we
find or what I find is
we treat a level 1 or a level
2 at the level of a 10.
Right?
So
I'm cut off while driving.
That's a level 2.
Right?
I get into a car accident. That's a
level 3. I spill coffee on my shirt.
And as you can see, I,
prefer to be dapper.
That's still a level 1.
I shouldn't treat that emotionally
at a level
6 or God forbid a level 9 or
a level 10.
Does that make sense?
So what I suggest you guys do is
when this is over, create your own scale.
What is it for you that is from
a 1 to a 10?
And the number 10
and the number 9, these are the worst
things that could possibly happen.
So number 9 is worse. Number 10 is
horrible.
From everything below,
it's unfortunate.
It's unfortunate.
And that's important. The reason why I'm doing
this is not a game of semantics.
It's for you to get in control of
your thinking. You get in control of your
thinking. You'll get in control of your emotions.
Remember the car incident, the car cut me
off.
I had a certain narrative that I created
thinking that I had self talk,
right,
that produced the behavior,
that produced the emotion.
So that narrative, that self talk is what
we're talking about here. Because if I am
putting a spilling of coffee on my shirt,
that it is horrible. It's the worst thing
that could happen. It's awful. It's terrible.
I'm escalating
myself in my thinking.
I'm intensifying
my thinking, which will then intensify
my emotions.
You intensify
thinking you intensify emotions.
You
deescalate your thinking. You deescalate your emotions. It's
called the thinking, feeling connection.
So the aim here is to deescalate
the thinking. One of the ways in which
you deescalate the thinking when an adversity hits,
you just go back to your mental catastrophe
scale.
This is unfortunate,
but it's not the end of the world.
This is unfortunate,
but it's not the worst thing that could
happen. This is unfortunate, but it's not horrible.
That allows you to deescalate
and or to maintain
a helpful
mental and emotional space.
Again,
partner does something
that's undesirable.
That's disrespectful.
That's rude. That's repetitively
rude.
Again,
I'm not telling you to like it or
to love it. What I am suggesting is
where does it fit on your personal catastrophe
scale? That's one of the first things that
you need to be asking yourself, because that
allows you also to pause, to interrupt the
stream of thinking That's going to escalate you.
And once you escalate yourself, you're then going
to respond in a manner that's not constructive
to your goal of increased intimacy
and connection,
emotional connection.
So create your own personal catastrophe scale.
Brother, I have a, question here.
For spouses,
who are experiencing
issues with connection or with intimacy,
do you think it would be useful for
them to have a personal catastrophe scale that
is linked to that intimacy and connection?
Interesting. Repeat that again.
If we have spouses that are experiencing
problems
with their intimacy,
Right? They're they're having issues,
or there's there's a disconnect there. Do you
think it would be useful for them to
have a personal catastrophe scale related
specifically to that relationship and to that connection
to be able to regulate their emotion better,
or do you think it doesn't really apply
to that? No. So I think the way
that it reply I think the way that
it applies is for them to put on
their personal scale,
where does this fit
us not being emotionally connected,
us having
challenges in terms of intimacy?
Where is that on your scale?
Is it at a level 5? Is it
worse than you getting terminated from your job?
Is it worse than you finding out that
your, your spouse is unfaithful?
Is it worse than your, your spouse filing
for a divorce?
God forbid, is it worse than you, you
know, being paralyzed in an accident?
Where does it lie on your personal catastrophe
scale? And again, the reason why this is
so important is we want to keep things
in their proper perspective.
It's critical that we keep things at their
proper proper perspective
because that's how we keep our emotions at
that proper perspective.
Does that make sense? Yeah. That makes sense.
Does that look fair?
Okay.
This looks like a lot, but it's not.
What I would like you all to do
is just
this is Naomi. Can you see my cursor?
Yes. Okay. What I want you all to
do is focus, follow my cursor
just here.
Okay?
So focus on the physiological consequence, the emotional
consequence, behavioral consequence.
That's what I want you all to focus
on. Okay?
This is what I this is the
so, again, there is a problem here.
It says tool number 3.
For those of you that I know are
are taking notes, the studious
among you, the academics
among you, please put tool number 2,
not tool number 3. Okay.
Tool number 1 was the tier system for
dissatisfaction.
That's what it said on the slides. We
had the tool number 1 was tier 1
and tier 2 for marital disturbance and marital
dissatisfaction.
Then you had tool 2, the one we
had before, the personal catastrophe scale, and now
this is tool number 3. So we're taking
notes according to your slides,
and it's making sense.
Oh, so I do have it right. Yes.
Apologies.
I haven't finished my coffee yet.
I'm at my best when I finish coffee.
So for those of you that are studious
amongst yourself, the academics,
the novel writers,
Please keep it at,
tool number 3.
What I want you to do is I
want you to create this for yourself as
well. Now these are important. Now when I
say create these things, I want you to
create them in notebook for yourself, but I
also want you to create them on your
phone.
Right? So that you can easily go to
your notes in your phone.
And when you're at work or when there's
a situation you're at home with the kids
and the kids are running around the table,
excuse me. And,
you know, driving you crazy, you can easily
go to your personal catastrophe scale.
You can easily go to your emotional consequence
scale. You can easily go to this.
The point is you want to be able
to stop the thinking and have a tool
that is easily at your re your reach
to deescalate
you. Okay?
So
this on the side, the physiological consequences, these
are going to be different for everyone. Okay?
This is what you will fill in.
Same as the behavioral
consequences.
This is something you will fill in. I
strongly suggest that you fill this in
individually,
but then come together as a couple and
fill this in because both of you understand
or the other may be able to give
insight into what the other looks like when
the other is angry or rageful.
K?
So
what I was speaking about earlier is this.
1 to 5 is what we would consider
a helpful
negative emotion.
Irritation,
annoyance,
frustration.
This is where you want to be if
something
undesirable
happens,
by your spouse.
You want to be frustrated,
annoyed, or irritated. Those are healthy negative emotions.
You should not feel happy about someone being
disrespectful.
That's not, this is, that's a, that's not
therapeutic.
That's not using a modality.
What you want is frustration, annoyance, or irritation.
Now
please understand this terminology
can change depending on yourself.
This is just what we use in the
model, but maybe
you refer to annoyance
as irritation that you feel first, you are
annoyed, and then you feel like you're irritated,
and then you feel like you're frustrated.
Those can fluctuate. It's up to you. But
this is what I the structure I use.
So the first response is irritation that you
feel. That's the emotion
and then annoyance. And here's the key part.
It's important for you. And this is the
assignment for you.
Fill in. What is the physiological
response
for each level?
Because oftentimes
when our spouse does something we don't like,
something undesirable,
we have a physiological
response before we respond behaviorally
and before we sense that we're irritated.
So if you're able to map out the
physiological
response to each level
with time, it's not an overnight thing, then
you'll be able to shortcut
escalating yourself
because you will realize that when I start
client, I'm typically at a level 6.
When I feel
my chest tight, I'm typically frustrated.
When my hands start to sweat, I'm in
between annoyance and frustration.
Or
when my when I'm crying
and I feel that unhelpful anger
that's typically associated with those times that I
call out of work.
And I know that this is crying is
right before that stage of unhelpful anger when
I start to scream and yell.
Again,
how is this connected to intimacy?
Because nobody wants to be intimate with someone
who's yelling and screaming.
That's it's immature.
It's an emotionally immature
behavioral
response
to not getting what you want or what
you think you should get on, what you
think you should get in the moment. Right?
So I, I, I tell clients that
your emotions
and your physiological
response
are the red flags for you to think
about your thinking.
And that's where you'll see over here where
it says the de escalation step.
Ask yourself, what am I telling myself?
So whenever
you notice any one of your physiological
response,
the first thing I want you to do
is come over and ask yourself,
what am I telling myself?
What am I telling myself about myself?
What am I telling myself about my partner?
What am I telling myself about this marriage,
about my condition,
about my Lord?
You wanna ask yourself that
because
why you'd why you want to ask yourself,
what am I telling myself
is because remember the car incident.
It wasn't that the car cut me off.
It was what I was telling myself that
led to my emotion.
So what I'm telling myself
is going to determine
how I move up this scale,
what the emotional
consequence is going to be. And when you
see consequence, consequence, consequence,
it's the consequence of
the narrative, the script you create, what you
tell yourself,
what you tell yourself
determines
how you move up this scale
and or if you don't,
or if you're one of those people that
have habitual
response, knee jerk reactions, and you find yourself
automatically at a 7 or 8,
what you tell yourself
at that point, once you realize it, will
allow you to start deescalating
yourself.
And this is an important point because this
is why I started out in the beginning
saying
you are emotionally
responsible
for deescalating
yourself
just as you are emotionally responsible
for escalating yourself.
Right?
So it's important for you to create this
scale for yourself,
right?
What are the emotional consequences?
What are the physiological
responses
associated with those?
And also
what are the behaviors that typically happen when
you're at this level
of anger
or frustration
or annoyance.
Right? You know,
your, your spouse does something
and or your spouse may not do anything
in that moment or that day.
It could be an image that just popped
in your mind, a smell that you, that
had, that you just walked across
and then you start comfort eating,
then you ask yourself,
what am I telling myself? Right?
What am I telling myself right now that
is leading me to comfort eat?
Right? And, typically, when I'm comfort, when I'm
eating for comfort, I'm at the level of
anointing. So what am I annoyed about?
What am I telling myself?
Okay. And so again, as I said, consequences
are a result of the script,
the narrative. Remember what we talked about in
the very beginning,
excuse me, that the box that you have
the narratives in
should be impressionable.
You should take things out, put things in,
you should make adjustments
to the narratives that you construct.
And in doing that, you're able to deescalate
and or maintain
yourself
at a level of frustration
or annoyance.
Right?
And one of the other things that you
can add to this in terms of intimacy
is where you at in intimacy
as it relates to any of these emotions,
maybe rage and destructive anger and dysfunctional anger.
There's no intimacy at all.
I don't want my husband to look at
me. I don't want my wife to look
at it. I don't want her to say
anything.
Maybe at 5 to 1, there is a
space for in intimacy.
And when I say intimacy again, I don't
just, I just don't mean what's in the
bedroom. I mean, the touch, the hug, the
kiss, the flowers,
the saying, thank you, the compliments,
right?
Those are possible when you're from 1 to
5.
Okay.
Again, any of these, you notice
automatically, you want to ask yourself, what am
I telling myself?
K? Sister, how how am I doing with
time?
Yeah. We're good. We have 5 minutes
5, 10 minutes to finish.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
So 5, 10 minutes.
This is what you want to do.
When you ask yourself, what am I telling
myself? What I want you to do is
look for these four things, and these are
not things that I'm creating. And apologies.
I'm gonna make this very quick, but post
my brother who's coming after me, I'll be
on IG and I'll go over this more.
So please come to me on IG, and
I'll do a live on these in more
detail.
According to CBT, particularly REBT,
the 4 things that upset us are demands
when we say something that must happen. Right?
When we place demands on ourselves, others, our
spouse or life conditions, and then oftentimes our
Lord.
And then when we awfulize, meaning that we
say something is terrible, horrible,
the worst that it could
be. Right. Hence why I gave you the
personal catastrophe scale, the low frustration tolerance. When
we tell ourselves that we can't stand something,
the reality is if you are living, if
you are breathing, if you are walking,
you can stand it. You don't like it.
That's understandable,
but it's important for you not to tell
yourself you can't stand something. You can't bear
something
because that's gonna intensify
your thinking. Again, that intensifies the narrative. You
intensify the narrative, you intensify the emotion. You
intensify the emotion.
You decrease the probability
of intimacy.
And then the other one, the 4th and
final one is depreciation.
Depreciation of self, others, or life,
life conditions.
And that's when we place a value, a
rating on self.
We place labels on self.
Our worth is fixed.
We cannot be rated or labeled.
Our worth is one thing.
It's it's the concept of the doer and
the doing. The doer
is our act is is our worth,
our essence.
The doing are the actions that we engage
in, the intimacy,
a job interview,
parenting.
Right? These are all
actions. They can be rated and labeled. What
you can't rate and label is your essence,
your worth. And the problem that we run
into is when we have them connected.
So when we do well on an interview,
the action, the
doing, we increase our esteem of ourself. We
raise ourself
problem is when we don't do well on
an interview,
we then,
label and rate and devalue our self because
we devalued how we did on the interview.
When they're connected, you bring our self we
bring ourselves down. That's how we get on
this emotional roller coaster.
When our intimacy isn't good and it's connected
to my worth,
when I rate our intimacy good, it brings
up my worth.
When I rate our intimacy as being
unsatisfactory,
as being disappointing, or being problematic,
then it brings down my work that they're
connected. They should never be connected. The doing
the doing and the doer are always separate.
Worth is fixed.
It can't be rated.
The actions can be. And I'll wrap up
with this. Here are 3 other things that
you can use.
Remember, because we're talking about the narrative. The
narrative is the most important thing that I
believe
to enhance intimacy.
Remind yourself that you and your husband, your
spouse, your partner are fallible human beings by
divine design.
Allah made us to be fallible human beings.
That means
once we end this life, we will fall
short. We will make mistakes. We will
We are fallible human beings by design. You
must accept yours your spouse as a fallible
human being.
You can determine whether you wanna tolerate their
fallibility,
but you can't demand that they not be
followed.
That's an important piece. You cannot
demand that your partner not be a fallible
human being
as they were divinely designed to be
intellectually.
We can understand and agree that our partner
is a fallible human being,
But where we get into the problem is
we demand that their fallibility
not be something that create us too much
Or not be in the categories
that we don't want it to be I
e intimacy.
The last thing is the 3 c's technique.
This is the catch it, check it, change
it again. I'll go over this on IG
because we don't have time, but this is
the technique you want to use. You wanna
catch
the unhelpful thinking,
right? The demands, the awful eyes and low
frustrations.
You wanna check if it's helpful or not,
and then you wanna change it. This is
why I said in the beginning that the
box
has to be impressionable. It has to be
able to change. You have to be able
to take, you have to make adjustments
because the box is the narratives.
You have to be able to change those
beliefs that aren't serving your marriage.
And the last point to remember
is that it's understandable
given the beliefs that you hold your partner
holds at that time,
it's understandable
for him or her to act a certain
way. Because if I go back to the
example I said in the beginning with the
car,
I get cut off. I tell myself a
certain thing,
given my life experiences,
my understanding to this point in life,
that narrative I create
greatly influences how I feel. So it's understandable
may not be right. May not be what's
best or functional and constructive for the moment,
but it's understandable that I responded
emotionally and behaviorally the way I did
because of the thinking that I created.
Hence,
learning a modality
to be able to understand your thinking so
that you could deescalate your thinking and deescalate
your emotions.
I'll stop there.
I'll come on in IG in a hour
to do a little bit more because I,
unfortunately,
have run out of time.
I'm just gonna take back host.
And, if we can stop the share,
that would be really helpful,
because
I would like you to address
an issue that has come up.
And it's come up
it's it's been an issue that's been talked
about. It came up
yesterday, came up the day before, and it's
come up again today especially in the YouTube
chat. And that is the issue of men
and vulnerability.
Right?
You made a point earlier about why you
disagree with this push for men to be
vulnerable.
And I just wanted to see whether my
understanding is correct here because
even yesterday and people who were watching yesterday
if you haven't watched yesterday's show guys, go
ahead and watch it, because this was actually
a question that was asked to sister Hale
Banani
about men expressing emotion.
Because a lot of sisters, a lot of
women feel that their men are like emotionless.
Right? That they are cut off. That they're
cold. That they don't understand
their wife's emotions
and it seems to be and again correct
me if I'm wrong guys but what I'm
hearing
is
that women are asking for men to be
emotionally vulnerable
so that they can be more
emotional and
accept their emotions as women. Right? And be
able to understand
their wife's emotions.
Because when sister Harley answered the question,
she said in order for intimacy,
emotional intimacy to take place,
you have to be open.
Right? You have to be open. You have
to be at least emotionally open to be
able to connect.
You're saying something different though. Exactly. Right? Exactly.
So this is what I wanted to say
is this is this is this is the
conversation that I wanted us to have because
emotional openness
is being used interchangeably
with vulnerability.
That's what I'm seeing. Would you say that
that is the case?
That women are really want men to be
open emotionally,
but they're saying I want you to be
vulnerable. Okay. What's your take on it? No.
Look. I understand
that you are,
a woman,
but I I'm not going to
say that when I hear this,
that what most women are saying is to
be open.
I think it comes from a selfish,
maybe
well mean,
place, but it's a selfish
place
to feel
a certain connection
with your spouse
that he may not be ready to,
be at
in the moment. Right? So
that so that's one point. So I don't
think all of them, all of the women,
and all of the comments that I've seen,
videos that I've seen, I don't think everyone
is saying to be open.
I didn't see the video from yesterday.
So I like the difference in terminology
of open versus being vulnerable,
and I would be more receptive
to hearing someone say,
men
be open.
Because that's different. And this is the pushback
I would give you.
If it's just saying men be open,
then you're not expecting me to say something
and share something. If it's just about me
being open. Mhmm. Meaning, if you if it's
really just me being open, being able to
sit, to be able to listen and hear
what you have to say, that's one thing.
Mhmm. That's not what women are asking.
What women are asking for is for me
to when I am experiencing
something,
you want me to share
what that discomfort is,
what that turbulence is inside of me or
mentally inside of me or emotionally. You want
me to share that.
Mhmm.
Right? That's a vulnerability.
And what I would push back is
it's selfish.
It's shortsighted.
Because what you're asking someone to do is
to speak about something that most cases they
don't know how to understand or to articulate.
So men have been raised
without
emotional regulation.
So have women,
because I'm sure we aren't. I'm sure we
are not going to assume here
that every, every wife,
when her husband is vulnerable with her, she
knows how to receive it,
how to be open to receive it, how
to process
his emotions, and how to process her own
thoughts and emotions when it happens.
This is exactly why I wanted to say
this because
while sister Harley said being open and that
it's necessary to establish intimate connection,
She talked about vulnerability but if you guys
remember she also said but don't be too
vulnerable
because we don't want that. We need you
still to be strong and to be together
and which it speaks exactly to what you're
saying, Spamal. Yeah. No disrespect to my sister
because I didn't see it. I'm sure she
knows best. What I would suggest is this,
though.
When you want someone to do something in
a balanced manner, but they don't have the
skill sets to do it,
it's gonna be imbalanced.
Right.
So then the question becomes,
why are you asking him to do something
that he doesn't have the skill sets to
do? And then if you were really in
the best place mentally and emotionally, the reality
is
you're not ready for his vulnerability.
You don't know. You don't have the skill
sets or the modality
to be able to process and understand your
own emotions
so that you don't make the situation worse.
Mhmm.
Because if a man then
becomes vulnerable with you
and you don't process it in a healthy
and constructive way,
what have you done to that man?
So that's why I say it's selfish.
And so I stand on saying it's selfish,
and that's why I would suggest
instead of
encouraging men to be open and encouraging men
to be vulnerable,
encourage men and women
to understand how to regulate their emotions,
to understand emotional regulation.
Because if you don't have that, how are
you going to handle someone else's emotions? You
don't have a toolkit. And the reality is
they may be different in Britain,
but in the states, we do not teach
emotional regulation. We just don't do it.
Most people learn,
in my generation,
you're, obviously a bit younger than me, but
in my generation,
and I would assume those that are younger
than me,
they learned emotional regulation
when a situation happened.
When a situation happened and they kept getting
their hand slapped and hand slapped and challenges
and adversities in life kept happening,
they didn't deal with it in a healthy
manner until it finally kept happening,
more lessons learned. And then they finally realized
when they got to a breaking point, I
need to learn how to regulate my emotions.
And even then
I can be most people aren't most people
aren't putting in
the consistency
with learning and modality.
It's let me just get a quick fix
to deal with this particular situation that we're
having, put the bandaid on, and now we're
good. Why? Obviously, because it's a lot of
unpacking,
right? It talks about baggage and we've talked
about baggage before it brings up baggage,
but then also,
it's costly
And people wanna spend their money on lattes
and vacations versus learning emotional regulation, but then
turn right around and say to their husband
or to a man,
be vulnerable.
Mhmm. Yeah.
I
I expect the system.
I I'm pretty sure she has a a
very sound
academically sound reason for why she said what
she said, but I would just nudge it
and push back even with openness.
If if openness is just for me to
be able to sit here and listen to
you
and process,
I still need to learn a modality. I
still need to understand
how to regulate my emotions. Because unless I'm
going to be a robot,
when you tell me something
and I love you, you're my spouse,
it's gonna affect me.
So how do I process
my thinking
and the emotions that come up
in order to be open
and to be present
in a constructive and healthy man.
Again, that's why I
I advocate.
Stop telling men to be vulnerable. It's cliche.
It's a buzzword.
It gets clicks.
Tell men
well, don't tell men.
Offer for men, suggest for men
to learn emotional regulation.
And if you're going to suggest that for
men, the flip side is you need to
do that for yourself.
I'm sure this conversation is going to continue.
And I just have one last question before
we let you go. Inshallah, one of the,
our YouTube viewers is asking,
are you advocating
or are you an advocate of the men
are from Mars, women from women are from
Venus
kind of, binary.
No.
Okay. Absolutely not. Oh, okay. It's it's it's
it's a
illogical
concept.
And I would suggest
a a book that I use
with my clients, the couples I work with,
and I strongly suggest,
people get their hands on this book. I
hope it's not out of print,
but I strongly suggest they get This book
it's called men are from earth and women
are from earth.
Look, men and women are we're not
it's illogical.
The issue is we don't know how to
handle
our meanings, our narratives we create.
So the concept is men and women, men
are from what whatever this concept is, is
that we think differently. Okay.
We feel different. Okay.
But how do you process that?
That's the issue.
How do you process the thinking?
How do you approach it? How do you
process
the need for validation and acceptance?
That may look different in a man versus
a woman,
but how do you process it? For example,
with the model of the modality that I
use, one of the ways that we counter
that is unconditional self acceptance.
You accept yourself as a fallible human being
despite
when you perform well or when you perform,
in in in a not so desirable way.
What I said earlier about separating the doer
from the doing.
Right?
That's modality.
So, no, we're both from earth.
Mhmm.
We both procreate and have intimacy on earth.
And I suggest we all learn a modality.
The one I use is called CBT, cognitive
behavior therapy,
particularly
REBT. You can Google both of those, or
you can message me on IG, and I
can send you,
a few things to Google. And I'll be
on in an hour after my brother coming
up. To my brother that is coming after
me, I apologize
for going over my time.
SubhanAllah. I've just got brother Talha saying okay,
Naima, you need this dude back because he
has thrown a spanner in the discourse of
the last 10 years. So
maybe we'll make that happen guys. But let
me bring brother Wael Ibrahim up inshallah then
you guys brothers can give salaam,
and then,
yeah. Then we'll hand it over to brother
Wa'il.
Also not a stranger to this platform.
You know wonderful to have you brother you
should be able to get your camera going
now.
So everybody please make sure that you've like
you've liked the video and that you've subscribed
to the channel and that you share this
live stream so that more and more and
more people can benefit. Today
we've had
such a range you know such a broad
range of of thought provoking ideas, thought provoking
topics. So super excited now to be having
a chat with, brother Wa'il who's going to
be talking
about,
* and the impact of * on intimacy.
Brother Wa'ill. I'm
gonna ask you to unmute. There you go.
You're muted again.
Here we go. That's it.
How
are you? For asking. How are you?
Good. Half sleepy. It's 3 AM here. So
trying to wake up.
For making the time. We appreciate you. Brother
Nasir,
this is brother Wa'il. Your brothers can give
salaam, inshallah, then we'll switch it out.
Good to see you.
It's it's my pleasure. You look alike, brother.
We are looking alike. You you look. This
is the thing.
You know, I had to I had to
acknowledge
and say, brother, you you're looking smooth, man.
I like that dude, that hair dude you
got there.
We bringing it back, baby.
I'm good.
Apologies apologies for taking over my time.
And I'm gonna go out and and listen
to your talk. I look forward to it.
Okay.
Thank you.
Assalamu alaikum everyone. Okay. So brother Wa'il, again
apologies for, the the delay with you starting.
Thank you so much for making the time.
We really really appreciate you and we appreciate
the work that you're doing. I am gonna
start recording right away because
there's a few things I want to mention
inshallah before you jump in if that's okay
with you.
Sure system.
Assalamu
alaikum everyone. We are in our 3rd talk
for day 3 of the intimacy conversation. And
I must say, brother Wael Ibrahim, it's a
real pleasure to have you back on the
channel.
Alhamdulillah, we've had the opportunity to speak on
this topic, which,
you know to be fair is not the
most enjoyable topic to speak about
and I have to say
it's uncanny
the number of times this issue came up
this weekend.
Almost every speaker
referenced
* and the impact of *
on everything from appetite,
desire,
behaviors,
attitudes,
you know,
erectile dysfunction,
you know, addiction,
so many things, you know, breakdown of marriages,
so many things. I think you guys know,
those of you who've been watching the live
streams, it has come up again and again
and again. So masha'Allah
with your work with the Aware Academy I
know that you've been tackling this issue. Please
Insha'Allah I want to give you the floor.
Tell our viewers if they don't know you
who you are the work that you do
and then let's dig into the impact
of * on our intimate lives inshallah.
I was not prepared to introduce myself.
So,
yeah, my name is Wael Ibrahim. Been
been the founder of, an organization in Hong
Kong City,
called, serving Islam team in the past, I
think,
since
2007.
And, it was during this time when I
was
leading a small community
and, just teaching Islam, doing dawah, calling people
to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. And in the
middle of this process, I came across couple
of youngsters who,
brought about this this issue of, * addiction.
And it it reminded me of my generation
growing up, youth in the nineties
where these materials were available on VHS tapes
and magazines and the like.
And it reminded me of how these materials,
even though it was,
less accessible,
yet it had impacted us negatively as well
during those days.
And, by comparison now when we look at
* and its
prevalence today,
we we we can we can,
feel
the, the agony that youngsters are going through
because the accessibility is just on their fingertip
everywhere,
behind closed doors and the like.
And
and so,
my main intention earlier was to study Islam
academically,
get my bachelor's in Islamic studies, and then
go for master's and go for PhD,
until I met Mufti Ismayim. May Allah bless
him, And he told me, no. No. No.
We we don't need any of that. We
we have a lot already who have those,
qualifications. We just want you to focus on
this area because it's less tackled.
And, I took the advice. I did my
research,
wrote a couple of books on the issue.
And
when I started talking about it, just I
I,
my email inboxes just were flooded with with
requests to help, and and so I decided
to focus on this area.
Just this is the brief Yani intro.
I'm not sure if this is gonna be
a lecture type or is it a conversation.
So so We let's well, I the thing
is I seem to have decent Internet.
So we can have a conversation. But Okay.
Guys, you already know that internet and I,
we tend to have a love hate relationship.
So if
it, if so for some reason it breaks
down, I know that you have, you know,
all that you need to carry this. But
okay.
I think if we can kick off with
a little bit of the of the research.
Okay? We had a conversation about this. And
even though so many of our speakers have
mentioned this, I think there may still be
a perception
in the community
that this is not an issue that affects
us as Muslims.
What do you say to that?
No. I think,
when we look at one of the major,
largest
* websites
of that type. Of course, we will not
mention names,
boasting about 42,000,000,000
visits,
42,000,000,000
visits
in the year 2019
alone,
then we can look at the population of
the world
and, and ask ourselves, are we excluded? Then,
is the Muslim community excluded from this 42,000,000,000?
That we we'll be fooling ourselves to believe
this way.
On on the same,
on the same topic
of research, I visited Indonesia
a couple of years ago,
Sri Lanka,
Philippines, Hong Kong, and I meet I meet
only the Muslim community and a few other
countries just I don't remember. And I conducted
just a survey
with the audience
present, and we found that over 80%
over 80% of the audience knew someone in
the family members who is addicted or affected
by *.
So we we don't wanna just fool ourselves.
On the top of that,
I I was in Malaysia some some years
ago as I mentioned earlier in the marriage
conference,
and the organizers can witness to this. And
that was, like a 20 minutes introduction to
this * addiction, its harms, and all that.
20 minutes talk. It was done very briefly.
Sheikh Luis Khamisa was with us, I remember,
in this conference.
And
on that day, I just made an announcement.
I said, guys, this is my email address.
If you have any issue, please feel free
to
to contact me. And that same night in
the hotel room, I contacted the organizer and
say,
come see my my email address.
320
emails were sent on the
spot, and we the conference is pretty large.
Like, it was this venue is about
maybe nearly 1,500
people.
And it just this is on the same
night. And after that, thousands of emails, like,
you know, I created 6 email inboxes really
to cater for the thousands of people who
are and most people who contact me for
this are Muslims. So we don't wanna
and if we are
today, just just this morning,
talking to, one of,
we we trained a lot of,
coaches in Nigeria and other parts of the
world. One of those coaches contacted me today.
She said that, she is, helping couples
on the marital issues and all that. And
the husband
is just in complete denial
and became offended when she told him perhaps
because of the too much * that you
watch. This is your attitude with your wife.
So he start denying
that it's an addiction,
taking a lot of offense.
You know, so if we will bury our
heads in the sand, of course, there would
be no solution. But * is in our
homes. I believe it is in every home.
I I believe that,
one one of the, scholars on this area,
her name is, Kristian Jensen. She wrote,
2 books under the same title, good pictures,
bad pictures.
1 is for younger kids
and one for senior. And she mentioned that
a question already that we shouldn't ask anymore
whether our kids will stumble across * or
not. This this should not be even the
question. The question should be when
When will they come across this? Because they
will come. It's super prevalent and, we should
tackle it. We should discuss about it in
the open. The prophet
will allow
discussions of that nature, which we call today
sensitive topics, taboo topics, and all that.
May Allah please with her with her. She
will come to the prophet
and she will start the conversation
by saying,
Oh, messenger of Allah, Allah
does not shy away from the truth. And
then she will ask questions such as discharge
with dreams, and and the prophet
will will allow these conversations and will discuss
in the most sublime
language and the most polite language to address
issues that we all experience. And when will
I talk to my 15 years old? I
have a nearly 15 years old boy
in in this very house. I I have
that that
boy who will experience those issues. Yeah. When
will I address him? I have a daughter.
When will I will I address her about
using devices responsibly and so on and so
forth? When will I address her that if
you came across these * images, be careful
because it could affect on your relationship with
your husband in the future when and who
will do these indications. So it's very, very
essential.
JazakAllah Khailan, you know, you've you've you've you've
touched on something that I I did want
actually to ask you. And that is
what is the answer to that question?
When do you have the conversation?
The reason I'm asking is that for many
mothers, maybe fathers as well,
especially fathers when it comes to their daughters
I think,
There
is
maybe a false picture that we have of
our children's innocence.
We want to preserve their innocence.
Certainly practicing parents, you know, as much as
possible, we want to preserve the innocence of
our children. Right?
So when is it appropriate to have that
conversation?
Is it when you see something? When you
think something has already happened? Should you preempt
it with having the conversation? Please give us
some guidance inshallah.
I I say from day 1. I used
to take to, I used to talk to
my son about not looking at
girls on the streets who are wearing this,
wearing that. Be careful. You know, lower your
gaze and all these things in the language
that we can understand best. Of course, I
will not talk to 7 years old boy
and and mention the word *. I'm invited
to schools,
to primary schools to talk to them about
the harmful impact *, but I never wish
use the word *. I will use inappropriate
images,
people wearing less clothes,
and and these types of language in the
beginning when when they were young because they
would come across across them anyway.
How many of our children having devices now,
Internet devices?
How many mothers will just leave their their
iPads so that they can cook and prepare
for their husband's life? And and you don't
know how many hours they'll be using these
devices and what images that would they will
come across these. There are people out there
who,
who plants, you know, pop up ads and
all these things, and they target our children
because they know that our children is the
beginning of an addictive cycle that perhaps will
benefit the industry later on in in the
future. So we have to be very vigilant,
speak to them, and, of course,
protect your homes by, you know, blockers and
filters. They're available on, you know, on by
by really a large number now.
There are many, many, softwares that I can,
you know, recommend later in in the episode,
But we have to do both indication
and also protection.
So I I would say from day 1,
you have to start talking about these issues
because they are very, very,
prevalent.
It sounds so easy.
Yeah. It's easier than done. I did it.
Sorry to interrupt.
I did it. And when I did it,
I thought that I'm gonna I'm I'm going
to faint.
Honestly, I was allowed to faint.
I felt like I'm, you know, I'm feeling
the the dizziness. Today,
when I talk to my daughter and son
about issues of that nature, it's absolutely normal.
Look, sister. *
* and these images are normalized in Hollywood
movies. Mhmm. Normalized in MTV songs.
Normalized even on billboards. 100%.
Everywhere. So why can't we normalize the conversation
around it? Why why can't we see imams
coming on the pulpits
and addressing this issue which is destroying our
youth?
So it is difficult. I'm not saying it's
magical.
It is easier said than done, but it's
doable. It's not impossible.
And once you do it, well, you've done
it and you get it becomes more normal.
You know something that came up in one
of the other talks,
specifically related to desire
amongst
single people
and specifically single women
was that this is brother Gabriel mentioned this
the village auntie mentioned this many people mentioned
this that a lot of the programming like
TV
that's not labeled *
is actually soft * and especially aimed at
women. Have you found this to be the
case?
Absolutely. The this seems to be the plan.
This is
God alone knows. This is my theory. I
I believe that there is a plan to
hook people up on these,
issues so that they don't think of anything
else. They don't think about any other problems,
major problems in the society.
I feel that there is something like that
because
that's why I am a very, very
anti
movies any movies. Like, people people sometimes even
religious people say, brother, how can we entertain
ourselves? I said, look. Watch any movie. Get
any movie cartoon or whatnot. And you will
see that there is a scene. There is
something
that will invite you to filth,
that would invite you to something sexual.
Anything.
You know, the real life stories
and
movies that are based on real life stories,
you will see one scene that is really
very, very provocative.
Why? And and our brain work this way.
Our our brain usually craves novelty, craves something
that usually don't happen
regularly. Mhmm. And the scenes that we show
of that nature are very aggressive,
very, very open. And as a result, the
youngsters, especially when they watch these things, they
will be very curious. They wanna know more
what happens after this.
And as a result, they will go and
search it, and they will stumble across hardcore
*. So, yeah, it's it's, that's why then,
what you stayed at will be stored here,
and what is stored here is
engraved
for
life. You know,
there is a
man named,
Patrick Carnes. Patrick Carnes, doctor Patrick Carnes started
talking about * addiction and * addiction in
the 19 eighties
among the first few people who actually brought
this into discussion. Mhmm.
He said once addicted,
always addicted.
Addictions
are in the brain, and they will never
go away.
What we do, sister Naima, is managing them,
reactivating them. They they are there. They can
be reactivated anytime.
So It's like alcohol or drugs or anything
like that. It's that they all they always
say I'm in recovery. Like, I'm not recovered.
I'm not done. I'm still in recovery. Is
it like that?
Absolutely. That's why we we don't let alcoholic
or anyone who has issues with any addiction
to be alone in an environment that's inviting
him to Yeah. To repeat the activity. That's
why when we watch these movies, when we
watch these films, it's an invitation for more.
This
this, this whole, you know, conversation, I mean
and like so many people are, you know,
in the chat kind of talking about this,
and really thanking you for for bringing this
to the to the forefront and and being,
you know, honest and and open about it.
So
one question that I had
that I think may
occur to people who are watching this because
I'm sure that many more people are gonna
watch this and are watching right
now.
Firstly,
can you ever
access it and not get addicted?
And how do you know when you're an
addict? How do you know when you're addicted?
What are the signs of the addiction?
Yes. There are some people who will, smoke
cigarettes, weed,
you know, even taste cocaine, heroin, and they
will never
be addicted.
There are people like that. But is it
halal or haram? And now you don't need
a mufti to answer this question.
Again, there are some people who will watch
* here and there, and they would never
get elected for life.
But is it, worth it? Is it halal?
Is it haram? Is it acceptable? Is it
pleasurable?
You know, in the in the son of
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala.
The answer we all know it's haram. So,
yeah, the you know, addiction sometimes is,
is something also Sorry. Sorry. I'd so so
I don't want to jump in. I just
want that to be clear because actually,
it's not as obvious as we think that
people know that * is haram
because we know of people who say
I need this in order to feel excited
for my spouse or my husband showed it
to me to give me ideas for what
to do or I wanted to be inspired
or whatever the case may be. So can
we just let's double down on the Islamic
argument against * and then we can go
into addiction. Is that okay?
Yeah. Absolutely.
When when Allah
told us in the Quran,
When Allah said, command
the believers to lower their gaze and guard
and guard their modesty.
It doesn't mean, watching * is okay.
If Allah
say lower your gaze when you see something
that's even bothering you, like you looked at
the girl down the streets that it attracted
you in a in a in a lustful
manner, lower your gaze.
Put your eyes elsewhere.
With that will that same Allah
allow us to watch sexual scenes, strangers having
* on camera? Is that something Allah
would permit? Lowering the gaze,
let alone watching lust fully and * to
to pixels and images.
So absolutely, the the the verdict Islamically is
absolutely harm.
There is a,
a disagreement
on *.
There is a disagreement in opinions, in,
opinions regarding *. Some, of course, would say
also haram because Allah said in that
any sexual pleasures should be attainable through
spouses. This, you know, that relationship of intimacy
between a husband and wife. That's the only
thing permissible according to Surat al Mumimun. Some
other scholars, depending on the circumstances, the situations,
may allow
*,
whether it's. It's dislike act, but not haram
and so on. So there are a lot
of opinions, on *, but *,
all scores that I know of worth the
name, of course, prohibited it based on the
Quran and the the the hadith of the
prophet, of course. Whether you wanted to have
whether you wanted to watch it, for excitement
or not. Even I have, a personal, Yani,
sheikh who I consider to be very, very
close to me and like a supervisor kind
of, mentor
because I was contacted, sister, from prison.
Some people from prison contacted me about this
issue. They read my books, and they wanted
some help because in jail, they don't allow
spouses to come and sit with you overnight
to, you know, fulfill that design. Yeah. So
you say, well, what do we do? So
* is the only access. And sometimes even
people will smuggle phones and and all of
these things to watch * inside prison. So
I contacted that Sheikh has said, like, I
never come across
this type of, you know,
dealing. So so he said,
you can you can lock
or block or,
tie my freedom. You can you can lock
me up in in a room
and, you know, prevent me from walking down
the streets, prevent me from, you know, the
regular freedom that everyone exercise.
That that can happen, but you cannot lock
up my desire.
You you cannot, You know, I I will
I will do anything to survive. Right? So
* is one of those desires that are
very, very intense.
And when you lock it, when you you
know, we don't have celibacy in Islam. Right?
Because it's it it will come at a
point and and things would go wrong. Mhmm.
So in those conditions, when you are locked
up, when your desires are locked up, maybe
there is a room for * now to
be considered as okay. I see. Better than
Zena and and the like. I see. But
at the same time, you say, but *,
No. Even in jail.
I can't imagine there being, an excuse for
* just because you're in jail. So I
can't see No. No. But people people give
excuses, like married couples in particular. And this
is very common, by the way. Do you
say that it's halal to watch together?
Since we are watching together, it's okay. And
this happened to me,
you know, in one of the cases where
the wife said,
to the husband, okay, honey. Don't worry. But
whenever you have the urge to watch, invite
me, and you watch together. Now what happened
to them up to this date,
by the way? This has been going on
for years.
Up to this date, both are addicted on
their own, you know, in their own world.
The the intimacy is nearly nil between them.
They don't have any sexual intimacy because, of
course, watching * lead to that lower *
drive between the partners.
Now we're gonna get to that inshallah because
again it's something that you know
it's an unexpected consequence isn't it? But before
we get to the
addiction, please, Insha'Allah?
So addiction the signs of addiction is that
when you have the urge to repeat the
activity
again and again,
when you feel the craving
of going to that activity, when you start
lying about your activity,
All these are the signs of addiction. When
you feel that you are giving preferences to
your
Haram activities, which is * now,
over your essentials
over your essentials. When you keep on doing
what you do despite all the negative consequences,
your relationship with your wife, your work,
ethics,
even some people, they go to the extreme,
and they start paying credit cards and and
the like. All these are signs of addictions.
Just the the the most common ones.
Okay. Okay. So, alright, so I know we're
gonna talk about this at the end, Insha'Allah,
but we already have people asking in the
comments.
If they need help, how can they reach
you?
So
we, we have started this platform called Be
Aware Academy for this very purpose. So we
have over 70 trained coaches
on this issue. So, if you wanted to
email us, we have an email address,
info at awayaacademy.com.au.
And then
you just with brief,
history about what what led you to, where
you are, and then we will
direct you to the right coach for you.
So it's info
at awareacademy.com.au.
And guys, we'll put that in the description
of this once we, once we we get
to that stage. Inshallah.
Okay. So consequences,
especially the unexpected consequences
of * addiction.
Are we specifically talking about married couples, relationships,
or in general? I think in general because,
okay so this is this is what I'm
hearing.
On the one hand, we know that
desire is something that is natural that it's
part of the fitra Allah
has created us that way.
We have also been hearing this weekend that
it's very strong and it's primal. Right? It's
an urge and it's primal. It's like hunger.
Then we are living in a hypersexualized
society
which is constantly stimulating
the urge
but we are Muslims
and we live according to the laws of
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala which encourage us to
be chased for most of the time.
So
I think
for the society that we live in,
* and you know open sexuality
is considered
honoring our fitra,
honoring our human nature, honoring our human needs.
Similarly with *, it's considered
accepting and honoring your who you are as
a human and you know that's what you
need. That's what you desire.
So so that's the first thing that I'm
seeing is that all of these things that
we're talking about are seen as a natural
consequence of our human human needs.
Not anymore, sister Naima. Okay.
So that was the case before perhaps. Oh,
right. Okay. Maybe maybe 20 plus years ago.
There are people, of course, who are pro
* today still. And they talk about this
honoring thing, the art part of it, you
know, expressing your sexuality part of it and
so on. There are people who are calling
for this, but actually,
if we look at the work of non
Muslims in this area,
It's it's massive. It's really massive. They they
realize already the damage the * has done.
There is, just I forgot the names, but
the book is very, well known in that
in that, space, The * Trap. Right. The
* Trap,
both authors, if I remember, they are *
therapist. Mhmm. And they said we used to
actually recommend
* tapes to clients who don't have that
urge. They don't have, you know, the the
appetite for activities. So they they recommend them
to go and watch *.
And then they said, later on, we changed
that view completely because the same clients came,
complaining that actually * had led them to
leave *
completely and just focus on images and mass
image. So they realized that and that was,
like, 15, 20 years ago. Right. Like, we're
talking
about years ago. So it's not the case
anymore. People have realized. If you look at
platforms like, you know, find the new drug
Yes. They're not Muslims. Yes. If you look
at
Gary Wilson, late late Gary Wilson of the
the brain on *, he's he's an atheist.
Right.
And and he he he already realized this
many, many years ago. Mhmm. If you look
at Gabe,
Gabe,
Noah Church, and all these, they realize that
the issue is damaging on many, many levels.
Right. So we don't just have the religious
argument. We also have the science.
Right? And the evidence evidence based.
Academic research, sister, I I started a program
called pandemic if you remember. I'm yes. Yeah.
PournDemic. What I used to do is I
used to look dig into these research
and simplify them and just bring them on
a video just to show the audience
how
much * could destroy your life. My book,
Aware to Find Out Who You Are Without
*, was based on this,
you know, on this research,
but applying them on my clients, on the
people who came to me in my life,
telling me to help, to help them. Twelve
areas. I just mentioned in the book, 12
areas that * could destroy
completely, including your childhood, your teenagers, your *
life,
career, your everything almost.
* came destroyed. So
the the thing that I just wanna mention
on this issue is, sister Naima. If we
talk about the ultimate damage
the ultimate damage and consequences of *, and
I want everyone to listen very carefully, it
is our iman.
This is the ultimate damage that not only
our iman, it lead people today, it lead
people literally
to leaving Islam.
You know why? Because we teach people in
the pulpits to make dua, and Allah will
respond to you. Those people who've been addicted
to * for years been also making dua,
been also asking Allah, you know, for for
helping them to cope with this. And they
find themselves going again and again into that
cycle. And then at the end, they say
that, you know, Allah is not there anymore.
Allah is not listening to me.
We will tackle this, and there is a
solution to this as well,
but this is the ultimate damage that you
my my dear sisters, my dear brothers, you
may be living with a husband who lost
faith completely in Allah because of this.
So when I said about the unintended consequences
of * I didn't expect you to to
say that and I'm sure nobody else did
either subhanAllah.
Okay. So
so the whole idea of * being a
celebration of human sexuality is being debunked. Correct?
Yeah. Majority
of over 200 research we have that, all
these things are nonsense,
expressing sexuality and all that at home, not
here, not in public. Right. Okay. So debunked,
guys. Just in case you were wondering. Debunked.
So
obviously, again,
the okay. The word on the street and
maybe particularly with young people
is, you know, because
I I remember reading a book by Ariel
Levy
and, it was called female chauvinist pigs.
And in that book, she talks she's a
feminist, but she was commenting on the pornification
of society
and the pornification of women. And obviously,
10, 20 years ago,
you didn't have young girls wanting to look
like a * star or act like a
* star. But now this * star is
considered the ultimate
empowered woman, you know, who's in control of
her, you know, of herself and her sexuality,
etcetera.
But
from your work
I know that actually * kills desire and
* can destroy your sexuality. Let's talk about
that a little bit.
Absolutely. You see, sister,
most people, most married couples let's let's focus
on this because this the whole program, that's
the theme about, you know, marital issues. And
so most people who are married and addicted
to *,
been watching * way before the marriage happened.
Okay? Most more in most cases.
What happens is as soon as they get
married,
the brain reactivate
the addiction path, the addiction pathway. Why is
that so? Because as we mentioned earlier, addictions
occur in the brain.
And the brain had resisted already the activity
of sexual pleasure through screens,
Internet, *, browsing, and so on, and *.
That's that's what the the brain is being
programmed or conditioned to do for you because
the brain works for us. Whatever we introduce
to our brain, our brain just pops up
these chemical,
you know, hormones so that you can repeat
those activities again and again. After marriage takes
place, because it's something new, the brain also
likes
because it's something new. Now you have a
right a real life partner. You start participate
in these, in this relationship.
After a while, a month or 2, the
addiction kicks in again, and you start *
behind your, you know, wife, or even the
wife. If she's addicted, she'll do the same.
And they will leave in this secrecy for
a couple of years until it hits them
that they are not
they are not interested
at all in sexual intimacy.
Worst of all for men,
erectile dysfunction or as as it as it
is, known now, * induced erectile dysfunction.
A brother just talked to me, Wala and
sister, Naima, just recently, very recently, he got
divorced. Because of this, the wife told him
enough is enough.
He can't perform a bit. He went to
physician. His doctor told him that physically you
are absolutely okay.
The the
the only the the the the only,
you know, diagnosis will be a * induced
retinal dysfunction. * has conditioned him
to have erection,
to have the the arousal, to have the
pleasure through screens and,
* for years.
Now he's married, and finally, he's gonna now
apply all what he has been watching only
to find himself a complete failure. Wow. So
this is the worst. For women, by the
way, it's the same regarding sexual pleasure. There
is a, a condition called situational anorgasmia
where the woman does not reach to any
pleasurable moment during sexual intimacy with her with
her husband.
Only through
* she can reach to that climax.
May Allah protect it.
Amin Amin okay. So just help me to
understand. So first question I have is, you
know, is erectile dysfunction curable?
So you can answer that one first, and
then I want to get
to what you said about situational and *.
Just to to to clarify things. So I'm
not a doctor. I'm not a medical doctor.
So erectile dysfunction is a medical medical condition
that could be, as a result of other
medical issues like diabetes and whatnot. So that
many people could,
could have that. So if you have any
of those, whether it is, you know, the
the the physical part or the conditional part,
you have to seek you have to seek
medical help. You have to go to a
doctor to see to to to test you
and see if you have
erectile dysfunction or not. The * induced erectile
dysfunction is absolutely curable
absolutely curable. By doing what? By quitting *.
But that's the condition. And he brought a
Gabe,
Gabe Deem of the reboot nation. He established
that platform.
He he lived into this, again, growing up
in the nineties as well. * was just
magazines and and stuff like that. And he
suffered from this for many, many years
until they reached the point he quit when
he come across, you know, Gary Wilson, as
I mentioned, the the your brain on *.
He quit. And he had a girlfriend,
and they broke up because of this. He's
a non Muslim, and he they broke up
because of this. And 8 months later, he
quit *. 8 months later,
he started,
functioning sexually again. 8 months after it. Okay.
So it's possible. Scurable if it is in,
you know, a mental blockage.
But if it's physical, then you have to
seek medical support. Fair enough. No. Fair enough.
And those systems, since we talked about erectile
dysfunction, also, there are research out there. *
on its own could also be
Yes. I remember coming up with this. Function
because because sometimes in the process, some nerves,
some veins are actually damaged, are caused, you
know, some frustration, some, you know, harshness in
the process could lead to damage of certain
nerves that could lead to retinal dysfunction. So
we have to be extra visual. That's why
Allah
among the criteria of successful believers. And I
wanted to focus, if you don't mind, just
the literal meaning of the words,
the literal meaning.
And those
who to their private parts
are the gatekeepers.
Means to keep, to keep intact, to keep,
you know, pure, to keep away from getting
rotten. You know, when we put the food
in the fridge, you know, that's the process
of.
You know, we we keep the food away
from anything that can damage it. SubhanAllah, look
how Allah
told us that when when it comes to
our private parts, we should guard them.
Except with their spouses.
Allah will not blame you for that. When
you are with your wife, when you are
with your spouse, enjoy that relationship.
Other than that, Allah
warned us.
SubhanAllah. May Allah make us of those who
heed the warning. Ameen.
The other question that I had was what
you said about how it affects women.
And you talked about being situational
an *?
Yes. So situational anorgasmia is a condition where,
again, same thing that the * had conditioned
the brain of the woman not to have
this pleasurable moment during sexual intimacy except through
honor *.
So is this basically just so that I
understand, is this basically
the mind is hooked
and the dopamine
that well, talk to us about dopamine levels.
Right? Because
for an ordinary person a lay person like
me or anybody else you expect that you
know stimulation will lead to response and response
will lead to, you know, to the ultimate
whatever.
But there seems to be a block there
because there's something happening in the brain. Can
you maybe touch on that and maybe talk
to us more about dopamine as well?
Yes. So so, basically, dopamine is also produced
and a set of other hormones are produced
during the sexual relationship.
But they are produced
in a very well calculated manners because this
is what Allah intended. This is the relationship
that Allah
intended.
But when we try to attain that pleasure
through other means,
subhanAllah, exactly the same words that Allah
uses in the Quran, other means, you know,
that's the prohibited part.
Then what happens? This dopamine,
it's
produced in massive quantity
because * is not just one image or
one film that you will watch to to
to to reach to that, you know, pleasurable
moment.
There are people who are not addicted to
to to to the * part of *
system. And this one
something I wanna highlight because,
our viewers who are actually watching will relate
to this. Those who are having problems will
relate to this. There are people who are
not addicted really to the * part anymore.
They're just addicted to the search
for the right clip.
So they spend hours just watching videos, hours,
6, 7 hours sometimes system.
6, 7 hours you can imagine
without even touching themselves, without having anything because
the addiction is not anymore about the *.
They have lost that appetite.
And this is as a as a result
of the addiction,
the addictive pathway. How how this addiction works,
sister? You know, when we when people are
addicted, they take that substance or they they
do this behavior
to attain certain level of pleasure.
So the pleasure reaches here, for example. Once
they experience the pleasure,
the the hormones drops. Dopamine drops. You don't
need it anymore.
And then the dopamine surge high asking you
to repeat the activity. So you go and
try to watch what you've been watching again,
but you will not reach to that level
of happiness.
You will go down below here.
So you escalate the dose. You start watching
again and again and look for bizarre
films, bizarre images. So the happiness reaches, the
pleasure goes back high.
And it keeps going up and high up
and high up and down up and down
until you don't have pleasure,
whatsoever. There is no pleasure at all. This
is how dopamine works because you have already
disrupted the system
through this unnatural
scripted films that people are intending
to, to do for you, to to hook
you on these things so that you perhaps
pay for them. You know this one website
that I quoted in the beginning,
during the pandemic, during, you know, the lockdown
and,
people were were at homes and all that,
This evil website, they opened their premium account
for free Yeah. For 1 month.
Why is that so?
They have really billions
billions of pages on their website, billions
of genre, billions billions. And I'm talking about
billions. This is what they they show us
in the review.
No. They open the website. It's on the
homepage.
All the data is there on the homepage.
It's shocking. They open now they open now
the premium account. Why is the premium? Premium
account in any company is something special, VIPs.
The open is for 1 month knowing that
majority of the people at home now, they'll
get across. And once you tested that,
you'll not be able to go below
finished. The brain registered that premium. So you
won't go now you wanted to experience the
same pleasure? Hey. Do you wanna get into
your pocket?
Addiction. This is addiction. May Allah protect us.
You know? So that's how dopamine works. And
as a result system now,
because of the overstimulation
in the brain of these thousands upon thousands
of images of different people, different bodies, different
nationalities, different colors, and all that, then why
would anyone look at his wife?
It's it's the only thing you can husband
why would you look at your husband, the
the 6 packs and bodies looking like this
and organs looking like that, and then you
compare that with that, then you lose interest
completely.
That
this area on its own have led so
many men in particular
of going out and seeking, you know, prostitutes,
going into the dirty massage houses, and and
the like. This this evil,
by its by itself had led so many
women
to have an
affair without, you know, the the knowledge of
anyone because women and and women who watch
*, by the way, they usually seek
a connection. They they usually seek,
you know, companionship.
Not like men. Men men are always after
the
the * part. You know? The brother, brother
Nasr, I think, was talking earlier about Venus
and
and Mars. You know, I agree with him
in in a great length,
but, but but our needs and our our
desires work differently.
Mhmm. So women seek connection. As a result,
they don't want just to be all the
time in front of the screens. They need
real life partner. They need real real ones.
So that's the danger. Yes. We have so
many men more men watch watch * than
women, but we have so many women who
act out their fantasy more than
me. I see. Wow. Well, all I can
say is may Allah protect us,
protect our families and our communities
and allow us to hold on to the
rope of Allah in this area because it
really is such a big fitna of our
time.
Brother, before we wrap up, inshallah, do you
have anything that you wanted to share with
the audience? Any parting words?
Obviously, we already told them where they can
reach you, but just give us some I
don't know. Give us some hope because I
I find it very
this is a hard this hard work that
you've chosen. We're gonna blame Mufti for this
inshallah because this is tough.
This is really tough. No. I wanted I
wanted to, I wanted to to to, yes.
The whole part, I was I was
thinking of the solution now.
So let let's let's give tips before leaving
that
things can get absolutely better. I've been working
with so many people, hamdullil, I think now
nearly 20 years. And we
have data of over 88%
who walk down the path of recovery
are absolutely fine and absolutely doing great. So,
there is hope. But number 1, admit it,
guys. Like, do not ever live in this
denial stage. I'm not addicted. Everybody does it.
And even if everybody does it, why would
you do it if Allah said no? And
you
want, be a stranger like how the prophet
Muhammad said.
Second, you need absolutely to be patient because
rewarding the brain takes time.
Doctor Michael Kohar wrote a book called The
Addicted Brain. And in his book, he explained
how the brain function,
functions. And he said that,
the brain reward itself, but the rewarding,
takes time. So it could take up to
a year,
a year and a half living in that
struggle
in constant, you know, need of
of of, needing these things. So be patient.
Number 3,
this is something very important, sister. You have
to differentiate between the personal beliefs that you
have about yourself. There are some people now,
they started,
thinking that they would never be able to
quit.
Allah sealed the deal. If that's your personal
belief about Allah, guess what? The prophet Muhammad
told us that Allah said, I am as
you think of me. I am. So if
you thought that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will
never help you, will never cure you, guess
what? This will be the case. So that's
a personal belief that sometimes we we we
adapt,
from from experience or maybe society will impose
on us. And these these boundary conditions, I
call it, things that will will prevent us
from progressing, from from, fighting hard against our
desires and against anything that's haram.
And fixed belief. So we have to differentiate.
The fixed belief is in the Quran and
in the Sira, in the sunnah of the
prophet Muhammad SAW. That's that should be our
firm and fixed belief that we shouldn't even
negotiate about.
And what does that fixed belief? Part of
it is that Allah is the ultimate cure.
He is capable
of changing you. He's capable, but just take
one step.
If I am sick, Allah is the only
one to cure me. And,
by the way, guys, addiction is a disease.
But, Yani, this is what what medical experts
mentioned. Addiction is a brain disease. It changes
the entire function of your brain. The structure
of your brain physically is changing as a
result of of your addiction. So it's a
disease, and we have to deal with it
as such.
Thirdly, you have to tell someone that you
trust. If you are married, go rush to
your wife and then listen. I know how
this is going to sound, but I'm addicted
to * and I need help.
Let her scream in your face. Let her,
you know,
throw on you anything.
I mean, literally, I mean, not literally.
Just let let her take her anger out.
Sometimes that's that's the case. Sometimes,
women would be cool about it in in
the sense that, okay. We will walk we
will walk down that journey together
and so on. But tell your wife.
If you are a wife, I don't advise
you to go and tell your husband now,
but tell a coach, tell a dear sister
because husband's reaction to this is different than,
women, unfortunately.
So be be be be be honest and
transparent about the whole story so that you
can get the necessary help.
Fourthly, apply all the necessary blocker softwares in
your home. Protect your homes, guys. You you
will have children soon who might get addicted
to these things.
You don't want them to live a journey
of 20 years in the in this misery.
So get, there is a family zone. There
is covenant eyes, those who are hearing me.
X,
x3 watch,
NetNanny. There are plenty of softwares that can
do that magic on its own. It can
block all this nonsense from
entering your home.
And, and finally,
clean your environment from any
* or anything that could lead to it.
Have a structure in your in your in
your life, you know, a system in your
life, do's and don'ts, and, and always always
live in company. The prophet Muhammad,
in one of the hadith and he warned
us about being alone in isolation behind closed
doors because now you don't have only shaitan
shaitan to push you towards that evil, but
you have also your addiction. So definitely you'll
be broken. Once you are behind closed doors,
definitely, definitely, definitely, there is no end to
get out of that cycle. So this brief
just solutions, inshallah, but there is absolutely great
hope
if you intended to, find the recovery.
That was
so, so much benefit packed into that concise
session. Brother Wa'il, thank you so much. We
appreciate you,
with the work that you've decided to do.
May
Allah increase you in khair, bless your family,
preserve them. And I also want to commend
you as well for,
you know, empowering more people
to do what you're doing by training more
coaches, you know, in different parts of the
world. You know, this is this is this
is just wonderful for our ummah and we're
so blessed to have you know people who
are doing this work. Masha'Allah.
JazakAllah Khayron and may Allah protect us all.
We appreciate your 3 AM, start. And maybe
you can go back and get some sleep
inshallah since, you know, it's it's still the
weekend. No. It's Monday. It's Monday. It's Monday
early. Yeah. And at, in 3 hours, I'll
be having work.
For having me. May Allah bless you. And,
hopefully, whatever we've shared, would be beneficial to
the.
That is the goal. That is our
our sincere hope is that whatever small efforts
we do Allah
multiplies them and allows us to be a
source of khair in this life. And may
we see the fruits of those good deeds
on.
Thank you, sister.
Right, guys. That is a wrap. Jazaakal al
Khayr and those of you who have been
watching on the live stream,
we are going to close off now. Please
guys make sure
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The goal of of and and, you know,
I want to just say
for all of you who signed up, almost
2,000 people signed up for this. And those
of you who are here for the whole
weekend with us, you know, we appreciate you
rocking with us and or every single one
of our speakers who took time out of
their schedule for the sake of Allah to
come and share their knowledge, their wisdom, their
experience with you. Did we have some opposing
views?
Yes, we did. Did we have a few
differing approaches to the topic? Yes, we did.
Am I okay with that? Yes, I am
because everybody needs to hear the message and
people need to hear the message in different
ways and also
we are all on a journey and let's
remember that.
I would like to say inshallah that I
want to ask every one of you who
watches videos on my channel specifically
to please show respect for my speakers.
Whether you agree with them or not, if
you disagree no problem sharing that but don't
disrespect my speakers.
If you don't like the way a sister
is dressed, don't disrespect my speakers. If you
think that a brother is to this or
to that, that's your opinion but don't disrespect
my speakers because I will go hard for
anyone who disrespects my speakers because they take
time out of their lives
and they they allow
they put themselves before you to share sincerely
from what they know. So whether you agree
with them or not we can respectfully disagree.
It's been done before and it will continue
to be done but don't disrespect my speakers.
Okay guys, leave your comments below insha Allah.
Let us know what you got out of
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