Naima B. Robert – High Value Men, Gold Diggas & Broke Dusties Muslim Edition
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What was it? What was the title? That
what is it?
Hi, Madi Men.
Gold diggers from Broke Dusty's
Muslim edition.
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In tonight,
I have, a guest that you may be
familiar with on the channel, brother,
Nasir Nasir Al Amin,
and we are going to be talking about
money.
The title of this little conversation that we're
having is
nice and clickbaity,
high value men, Gold Diggers, and Broke Dusty's
Muslim edition.
And I'm sure those of you who've been
in this space for a while, you know
why I chose those names. You know what
we're gonna talk about, brother Nasiyat. Welcome to
the channel. How are you?
It's
been some time. How have you been?
Blessed and grateful.
And really interested to hear your take on
this issue. Obviously, over, you know, the last
however many months, we've had a chance to
have some good conversations
both between you and I and also between,
you know, lots of other people on the
channel.
Really trying to
unpack
what's going on, right, within the Muslim space.
What's going on within the Muslim space as
a result of what's happening in the wider
context as well, which I find very interesting,
and what,
I guess,
answers our dean gives us. Right? And what
answers our current situation
require from us and everything. So,
before we continue,
I wanna put you on the spot, and
I'm going to ask you for your definition
of a high value man. What is a
high value man according to you?
So I I I
this is a concise definition that I would
use is someone that has
his faith in order.
He has his finances in the world.
He has his focus in terms of where
he's going in life, his purpose,
the drive,
his program,
someone that has
his
fitness in work.
I think that's unfortunately neglected,
our community,
and it's not in line with our
with our tradition to be,
the quote, unquote dad bod. Right?
So, yeah, faith,
finances,
focus,
fitness,
and and
yeah, that would be my definition of a
high value high value man within our tradition.
That's what I would tell us is to
look for.
Okay.
Right. So And if I could add one
other thing, and this is the thing that
probably would have
smoke for. And, you know, I don't mind
smoke
Free of addictions.
Okay.
Okay.
And free of addictions
means,
for
me, acknowledgment of the addiction
and in pursuit
of addressing.
Mhmm. Right?
To some extent, we're all gonna have some
level of addiction, whether it's addiction to coffee,
but there are addictions that are more problematic
to a healthy marriage.
And I don't advise any sister marrying a
brother that has certain addictions period.
Okay. Alright. So I I don't I don't
think you can be high value and have,
certain addictions. I just it's just to me,
it's not it doesn't add up. Can someone
still marry you? Sure.
Yeah. Would I advise it? No.
Okay. But I don't think it meets that
category.
Okay. Alright. Well, we're sticking on the category
of high value. Right? So,
for those of you who are unfamiliar with
this term,
somehow, maybe you haven't been in the space
for a while, but we are interested in
unpacking, you know, what that means to be
a high value man in the context of
a marriage, right, and as a Muslim man.
So I guess what I would
press you on
is
how
how much
is finances a requisite to being high value?
Because I remember when Kevin Samuels used to
talk about high value men, money was a
really big part of that. Right? And some
of the pushback that we got from certainly
within the Muslim community was that it's a
very materialistic,
worldly view of the value of a husband,
right, or the value of a man. So
do you think that a brother can can
be considered high value
if he's a broke dusty? I don't wanna
use the word broke dusty, but if he
doesn't have the finance piece figured out. Is
he still considered high value in your opinion?
So
so I I so this is this is
what I would say to that. I think,
one, can you still get married? Yes.
Based on it, you can still get married.
Let me back
up because I think it's important because, you
know, whenever we enter have our interaction,
I come from the lens of a coach
and a council.
So it's very important for me to make
this caveat
when we're seeing dusty
and gold digger and all of this. What
we're saying is a mindset.
I'm speaking from,
this is a mindset.
It's a dusty mindset,
right? Because really what it is, it's a
way of thinking that produces choices
that then show themselves in that category of
what we would call dusty.
Right. So really the reason why you wanna
avoid someone who's quote unquote dusty is because
they have choices that are problematic.
Right. Right. That's the, so just to, you
know, we're using the term loosely and we're
joking and it's great. But the reality is
if we wanna get deeper to it, the
issue is the mindset that the man has
or the system has, right. In terms of
the quote unquote gold digger, right. They have
a mindset that produces certain choices. Right. And
those choices are what's problematic.
Same thing with the addiction. The
addiction is really,
I, I don't know how to deal with
this issue that I have. It produces this
emotion and I make a choice to assuage
the,
discomfort I feel with the substance, whether it
be shisha, whether it be cigarettes, whether it
be weed,
or alcohol, right. Or, *, right. Whatever those
things are, it's a choice that I'm making
to deal with this discomfort
through this means. Right. So that's just the
caveat with moving forward. So,
with that being said,
can someone
with finances
not in order be considered a high value
man?
I don't think he can be a high
value prospect,
a high value suit.
Right. So
that to me is the issue. Cause remember
what, what,
again, it's important to,
we've talked about before.
You always wanna make that distinction between the
doer and the doing Right. That the doer
is what Allah created. That essence, your worth
that's over here. It's never on the table
for the discussion. This is over here. What
we're talking about our discussion here is the
doing the actions, right? That can always be
rated and labeled and evaluated. So what we're
rating here is the choices and the actions
someone makes. And so with that being said,
we can rate and label
the type of suitor you are, the type
of prospect you are. And so with that,
I think there can be tiers.
Right. And so with that saying that there's
tiers,
if you allow me to use that word
tier
with there being tiers, I
think that the high value is the top
tier.
And with that, I would say a brother
needs to have his finances in order.
Can he still be a good candidate, a
good suitor without having him in order?
That's iffy,
but to be a high value prospect and
suitor,
I think he has to head the finances
in order because if not, it's going to
trickle down into other areas that are problematic.
Yeah. Right. But this is Right. This. Yeah.
This is I mean, this is why we're
having the conversation. Right? Because
just for some context,
you know, and those of you who are
watching live, you know, we appreciate you. We
want to see your comments and your questions
in the chat. Please do put them in
Insha'Allah. And those of you who are watching
afterwards, just put replay in the comments. We
want to see you. But the reason I
wanted to talk about this was because I
was speaking with a friend of mine,
and she had been doing some soul searching.
She's been watching my videos. She's been thinking
about her life. She's been looking at her
life story.
And she realized that
this issue of the husband
providing
was actually,
like, a recurring
problematic issue throughout her life. Right?
And the thing is that I think that,
you know,
unfortunately
for for for men and for brothers in
particular,
there is a burden of performance
that Allah has placed on them. Right?
And that's why it's so funny when people,
you know, say that men have it easy
and men get it all and men have
it their way.
Because, yes, of course, in some ways, they
are privileged, but in other ways, you know,
they totally are not. Because this burden of
performance, this burden of provision of being the
provider
and the responsibility
that comes with that,
What the sister was saying to me was
basically,
when the money piece
is not
right,
it affects
everything.
So if I, as a woman,
am being expected
to be either the breadwinner
or the main contributor to the household
and be a loving and nurturing mother,
and b, an obedient wife,
and b, an excited lover, and be, you
know, the daughter, the sister, the friend, the
etcetera,
and work in my job and do well
in my job,
I
start to stock up resentment
towards my spouse because I'm feeling that I
should not be having to do this. And
not only, you know, is is is there
the burden of performance on me now as
a woman, which as far as I'm concerned,
that is not my job.
You as the husband are still asking to
be treated like the kawam. Right? You're still
being expected to be treated like the emir
of the home as if you were the
one who was providing and protecting. So so
so this is this is an uncomfortable
conversation, right, especially for people whose financial means
are constrained.
Right? For brothers who don't have it like
that. Right? For sisters who are struggling
and are the ones who are actually carrying
the burden of, you know, making sure that
there's food to eat, making sure that the
bills are paid. Right? Because
we know that, Islamically,
one of us has that responsibility.
Right? It's not both of us. Allah didn't
say
you 2 are responsible. He didn't say he's
gonna do it, but you have to help
him. Allah
said, you, man, you this is your job.
This is you're doing this. So so, again,
it's an uncomfortable conversation
because
I'm sure many men don't like the fact
that it's like that, And they would prefer
for
their place in the home
and their place in their wife's heart and
the respect and the honor that they are
given by their wife and family to not
be tied to money.
But what I'm seeing is that it kind
of is tied to money. What are your
thoughts on that as a man?
Yeah.
So I I don't I don't find that
problematic
that
So I think there obviously should be a
base level of respect. I think we've had
this conversation before, and I've mentioned that, like,
yeah, you, you don't marry a man that
you don't respect from the jump. Right? Yeah.
After the marriage, after the marriage, you get
more evidence,
right. For why you do respect him. But
the respect isn't earned. That's not a concept
that I think,
any man of,
resources
would accept.
Right?
Sure. Think it's all can I just jump
in there? Because you've said that before.
A man of resources would not or resources
would not accept
that. But I would argue that actually most
men,
resources or not, would not accept that. Would
you would you agree with that, or do
you think, no. No. No. Only men with
resources get to have that expectation.
Or is that baseline of you married me,
there needs to be a baseline of respect
whether I've got it like that financially or
not?
So I, I, I agree with you. Most
men
fault default. That should be where they're they're
at. But I, I think we both know
that there's a lot of men that,
may have tendencies that are, are,
are, are repulsive to women,
would, would be considered,
SIM type behavior,
emasculating
type behavior.
But for the large majority, yes. But I
think that also speaks to what we're saying
that if that,
if that financial piece isn't there,
then that respect is going to start to
erode.
Right? And so I think coming into the
situation,
those resources need to be with
given the kind of the type of woman
you want to marry. That's the other thing.
Right? So look, if you don't have a
lot of resources, then the type of woman
you can marry is different than a woman
you can marry or women you can marry
when you have more resources.
Right.
So I think, so coming back to your
question,
I don't find this problematic that,
a woman's interest in me is tied to
my finances.
Really?
No.
That's logical.
Isn't that it's hold on a wait. Wait
a minute. Isn't that what gold diggers do?
Isn't that isn't that doesn't that the gold
diggers piece? Okay. School me on this. What
do you mean you don't mind if a
woman loves you for your money?
So
I so not loving me just for my
money,
but one of the reasons why she chooses
me is because our resources
that only makes sense. If the divine mandate
is on me to provide,
then it's
I would question why she's not looking at
my ability to be able to meet this
divine mandate that I have to provide.
Right. It's it's logical.
Right. Right. And so I, I would, I
would venture to say any, any
for a man to have a problem with
a woman. This is another point. And I'm
glad you brought that up.
Because I had a, a session with a
sister yesterday and, and she has, so
I'm going to put the ownership on you
to remind me to come back to where
I'm supposed to be answering.
Had a session with a sister. She's meeting
a brother first meeting
with this brother. And she hasn't met a
number of brothers for marriage. She's a young
sister and
she was nervous. So she wanted to have
a session. And one of the things that
I told her is in this session, there's,
there's 4 things that you have to cover
in general that his faith is in order
just in general. Like you can get into
the details later as you get told
2, that his finances, that he has the
right financial
understanding,
meaning he's not on this 50, 50 thing,
because if
those two things aren't checked off in the
very first meeting, there's no need to have
a second.
Why waste your time?
There's
no reason to waste time because, and this
is an important for listeners.
If you do that,
the more meetings you have, the more likely
you are to get connected emotionally,
and then start creating these
mythical Disney fantasies on why the money really
doesn't matter.
Right. Right. So first sesh, first meeting with
a brother,
even if it's online,
making sure his faith is in order, just
the basics, the basics. Yeah. Finances.
And you're attracted. There has to be attraction.
Attraction
has to be there.
Those 3
first meeting, you need to check those things
off. And the other thing I, I mentioned
to her was his fault. He has to
have some type of vision. So, but coming
back to the second thing, which is important,
that the finances aren't there, it's no need
to have a conversation.
He can still be a great guy,
but he's not the guy that you need
right now.
He's going to be the right prospect
for another sister later on when he's put
time to get his finances lower,
which comes back to what you were saying
earlier about
the tier for a, a high value man.
I think finances need to be in order.
Okay.
So I remember being on a live session
once, and
it was fantastic session. It was on IG
live, and there were lots of people kind
of, you know, tuning in and, you know,
giving their comments. And one brother,
I remember him,
saying,
you know, speak to the sisters, sister Naima.
They they have unrealistic
expectations.
Us brothers who don't have money, we can't
marry.
And I remember, this was about maybe 2
years ago, and I remember saying, brother, if
you ain't got it like that, you shouldn't
be getting married. Right? Because how can you
take on a wife if you don't have
the the means to look after her? Right?
And now I don't know. I don't know
how I feel about that because
I don't know whether that was the right
thing to tell him. I think that,
you know, certainly the advice that men need
to hear, certainly young men need to hear,
is
get your money up.
Right? Get your dean up, your face up,
get your fitness up, get your money up,
your finances up. That's what I tell my
sons. Right? Because it gives you the best
chance,
because it gives you the most options, because
you are
high value to more people. Right?
But what are we actually what are we
telling so because because you said, if he
has the right the 5050 understanding, then it's
a it's a straight no. And I I
give you some pushback on that because I
think that, certainly, for sisters who maybe it's
not their first marriage, maybe it's subsequent marriage
and they're in a different space
in life, I think the conversation should more
be about,
let's hear what he has to say about
the financial piece. Where is he at? What
is he expecting you to bring to the
table? You know? What kind of setup is
he able to provide? Right? Rather than you're
listening for him saying, I can do x
y zed, but I will need blah blah
blah, and then that's a straight no because
that's not everybody's criteria. But that's just, you
know, that's a side note type. So so
so regarding the advice to the initial, the
first brother,
we're speaking in a general sense. In a
general sense, I agree. And that would be
the advice I give. If a brother does
not have his finances in order, he shouldn't
get married
because you
have your finances in order. How literally, how
are you going to provide?
How are you gonna provide? Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay. So so let's no, let's let's let's
be real about this. Let's be real because
okay. So I want I want to What
I was gonna say is, let's tease it
down to scenarios
because
that makes it easy.
Okay. So here's a scenario, and we the
guy the guys in the in the YouTube
chat are bringing all sorts of you know,
beef rees made a really good point, which
is most guys under 35 will be broke
Dusty's
because it takes time to build. Right? This
takes time to build. If you meet a
brother in his twenties, he's not gonna be
on the game that he'll be on in
his thirties. Right? No. No. No. No.
Oh, no?
No.
No.
Okay. Take it away. Okay. So the scenario
I wanted to bring was my son comes
to me. He's 24,
and he's
uh-huh.
Oh, okay.
There's been a break in the application. Okay.
Don't don't lose your point. Don't lose your
point. I'll I'll go ahead. But please to
the brother in the chat. I'm just curious.
Explain
if you're under 35,
explain why you don't have your finances in
order.
I I don't know who you are, so
this is an attack of you. I just
helped me understand that
because
35, I have my finances in order.
At 30, I have my finances in order.
35 is late. 30 is late, I think.
I think mid twenties. I would suggest mid
twenties. I had the right mindset to hustle
to get the money in a certain way.
And at that time, could take on a
wife.
Now would I be able to give a
wife the same comforts that I can now
at my age? Absolutely not.
With a blanket that a man is not
gonna have his finances in order
at 25,
I think
I think, you know what? Maybe I I
give the brother the difference. Maybe we just
have a different understanding of what we mean
by finances
in order. What I mean
what I mean is I'm at at 25,
A brother can have enough to pay for
his, place
and modest means for a woman.
Now, here we go back to the point.
What type of woman are you trying to
get though?
That's the issue.
Come on.
Because
certain fathers are not gonna give their daughter
away to someone who's just fresh out of
college and doesn't have a meet. Yeah.
Yes. And and, if I can just jump
in there, that was the scenario that I
wanted to paint. Right? So say, you know,
my son, your son, who has come up,
just finished university. Right? And they've just started
on their career path, and they've met somebody.
They like each other. There's compatibility,
etcetera. Right?
I personally
am a proponent of early marriage. I support
early marriage. I think that as much as
possible, we should be raising our children
to have that in mind, that headspace to
be responsible.
So that when they're in their twenties, they're
looking to build something. Right? And I certainly
suggest to my daughter and girls in general
to, if they can,
partner with somebody that they can support so
that they can help while they build. Right?
Because if you can be there from the
beginning, searching that was my scenario with Elahel
Hamd. And I've seen that work for many,
many other sisters as well.
So you get the marriage.
You're saved from haram, inshallah.
You are
the the ride or die. Okay? And, you
know, as a man, you're going to be
in your stride. You're gonna be hitting your
stride or whatever. But
when they start out, of course, they're not
necessarily going to have the means to be
able to rent a place. Right? To be
able to afford a massive dowry,
to be able to buy the things that
people like to have. So
is there not an argument to be made
there for families supporting that type of union,
for example, you know, letting them live at
home or letting them marry but stay apart,
for example, right, while he's earning and she's
earning. I don't know. I just feel that
we need to have flexibility, especially when it
comes to young people. But that's that's kind
of where I'm coming from, but I don't
think you agree because you're looking in the
book returns on what what No. No. No.
I'm with you. I'm with you. I think
so this is why it's important for us
to really tease out
examples
because
that example works for someone who's younger, but
we wouldn't use that same example with someone
who's 35.
Yeah. Right? And so at 35, we would
expect the brother to have his finances in
order. But we may not expect we may
not expect a certain level of financial,
savviness at 25,
right.
Or means at 25. So I get that.
I get the flexibility,
But I think the other thing with that
is it's also the mindset.
So you fresh out of you fresh out
of grad school at 25
and you, the place you did your internship
at
you've gotten a job and now you're looking
to get married.
Your means are not gonna be that much.
That's fine. You can get married
and, and yes, you can get married to
a sister who under
because I,
the average sister who was because I, the
average sister
who was consumed most of her time in
social media
and chopping it up with her friends in
the library at the university.
Her mindset is not there for that.
So a brother that's fresh out at at
university
has an internship than as net has worked
that into a job, finesse that into a
job, and has the means for a small
apartment, small means, yes, get married.
As long as you got a sister that
can that that understands that,
then yeah. But if not, if you can't
find a sister that has that mindset,
it's best to wait.
And each year as you accumulate
your your pool of options increases. Yeah. Yeah.
And I I agree with you. And I
think increases.
Yeah. Yeah. And I I agree with you.
And I think that that's another reason why
I I think that as we are bringing
up our children and bringing up these young
husbands and wives to be,
you know, that financial piece, which, of course,
they don't teach in school, right, which most
people learn through trial and a lot of
error, that should be something that we're teaching
our children. Right? So this whole, what we're
saying, guys, just for those of you who
have just dropped in now, we are querying
the role of finances
in the health of a marriage. Right? We're
querying it from a an Islamic lens, from
a practical lens,
and and really kind of trying to, you
know, unpick
some of the biggest issues that seem still
to be sort of impacting marriages today. Right?
And money seems to be one of them.
So going back to my original question, brother
Nasiv,
about
the financial piece and the the the the
role of the man in the home
and him wanting to be the leader of
the home
while he is not leading financially.
This is a huge issue that a lot
of sisters face.
What can be done about this?
In the marriages,
whose role is it to shift, to change,
to level up, and how can we
how can we avoid these types of situations?
Because it is an issue that causes a
lot of friction and even divorce power in
some cases.
So, so I think, I think there's a
lot to unpack with this. I think even
with the example you gave in the very
beginning, I think it's important to ask the
question and really unpack. And this is something
that I think needs unpacking
is how did the system get into situation?
See, we can't always look at the end,
the problem at the end and not look
at how the problem started.
And so I would be interested in
what was the marriage like?
Who married them?
What was the thinking? What was the deliberation
before that marriage happened?
You know,
as you're saying this,
all these things have
so the discussions that have been had about
money, right,
and marriage,
there's a clash.
Okay? Because, of course,
had the sister
had the conversation in the way that you
suggest,
which was that at that first conversation in
the first conversation, in that first meeting,
she found out where he was at financially.
She would have found that he had debt
and he had no money
and he had few marketable skills.
So she wouldn't have married him.
Okay?
Obviously,
the Qadr was for her to marry him,
hamdulillah, and, you know, and and and to
to take on whatever she's taken on. But
again and again, we keep hearing
of
sisters turning brothers away because of money. You
know, sisters having high expectations that brothers can't
fulfill. It's brothers
feeling aggrieved
that sisters want them to have,
okay, something.
Brothers feeling that sisters have become too materialistic,
that as Muslims, that should not be our
focus, that if they're a good person, they
should be able to find a pious wife.
It shouldn't matter whether they, you know, have
a property or whether they have a, like,
a great career or whatever. And and and
I'm just I'm not it's not making sense
to me. Right? It's not making sense to
me because all those sisters, especially sisters who
are earning. Because let's talk about this. Right?
We've talked about hypergamy on this channel before,
and I'm sure we don't need to go
into a whole def detailed definition of what
hypergamy is. But in brief, for those who
don't know the term, hypergamy is the a
woman's natural desire to marry up in terms
of status,
finance, looks, etcetera. Right?
So a woman will chew will be will
try to get the best deal that she
can for her self and her children. Right?
To secure resources, right, as as many of
us would say.
But this has become a bone of contention
because
oh, well, isn't that what gold diggers do?
Isn't that what materialistic women do? Isn't that
what greedy women do? Isn't that what lazy
women who just want to basically live off
their husband's money? Isn't that what they do?
And then you have all these brothers online
who are pressed about this, you know, and
and and, you know, not very happy. Put
it that way. So
why is it not, like, landing for us?
Like, I don't know. I even know the
question I'm asking. Guys, if you know what
I'm trying to ask, put it in the
chat. Okay? Because I for me, it's just
not computing.
So to me, that's it's it's not what
you're saying, but a lot of those arguments
are intellectually
dishonest.
So intellectually dishonest
and emotionally immature.
And I say that because the reality is,
so there's, there's a lot to unpack there,
and there's a lot of honesty in that,
but there is a lot of, intellectual dishonest.
The reality is look.
As you mentioned earlier, these
absurd
absurdly,
costly,
weddings,
makars,
are
are damaging.
There's 2 things there. The costly maha and
the costly wedding party and the costly honeymoon.
3rd thing. Right? All these crazy expectations that
we have, which are not And
I think excuse me. I think it points
back to the point that I said earlier
in terms
of what is the mindset she was raised
with? What was the mindset he was raised
with?
Right?
And
that's critical to finances being in order because
a brother can be have his finances in
order. Again,
where brother's financial status is
at 25 is not gonna be the same,
the 3545.
So I'm not expecting someone at 25 to
be at the same state at 45. But
what I'm saying is a brother that is
able to provide
the the bare minimum. He can provide a
safe and clean living place for her, provide
her with closing, provide her medical care,
take care of the the immediate, make sure
that she has,
you know, her substances, the things that she
needs,
that's sufficient.
And I think brothers can can
obtain that.
And I think it's valid what brothers are
saying when they are meeting sisters that want
more than that.
Right.
In terms of the extremes.
Right? Right. Extreme.
And it's just the reality is
it also points to,
this is the emotional immaturity of the parents.
Mhmm. The reality is
any parent knows
most most Muslim families.
It's not in the best interest, in the
best interest of this new couple to spend
tens of twenties of thirties of 1,000
on a wedding
when that's something that they could save for
their long term family,
like education,
savings,
investments.
It's not logical,
nor is it logical
to ask that of
the husband to be,
right, to pay for that or his family
to pay for that. Anyone's family to pay
for it. Right.
And and so the the point is
it comes back to the what I said
earlier. I wanna know who's making the decisions
that sign off on
the sisters
agreeing to these,
these marriages and the brothers even agreeing to
these marriages, because some of these sisters just
need to be left on the sidelines.
That's just period.
But
but and again, the emotional
immaturity,
the fragility of the emotion in a man
is I gotta have her
versus
versus maintaining
emotional composure
and falling back.
While she's in that mindset that she wants
this, this laundry list of
financially
irresponsible
things. No problem. Great sister, she's for somebody
else.
Mhmm. She's not for me. Right. And I
agree with that
because,
remember, faith,
finances,
focus. I have a focus, a future, a
plan. And in my plan,
it doesn't include
frivolous
over expenses for a wedding, for people to
feed people that are gonna backbite about how
I look, that are not gonna call me
when I'm sick.
It's
So, again, that's where it comes back to
this family piece. How did the
family approach wedding,
a wedding and marriage? How did they raise
their daughter and their son? Because these brothers
signing off on this stuff is is
in the, in the words of
the
the great Iron Mike Tyson, it's ludicrous.
So we've
got we've got a con
we're conflating
as a community.
Right?
We've got Can I pause you? Can you
please allow me to pause you? Because I
think we have to also not forget
our older systems
in this conversation.
Right? Because
that's that looks different.
That looks different. I I just got I
I just got off I had a session
earlier today with a sister who's getting remarried,
and I liked her mindset. She had she
she she took time to work on herself
and now she's approaching getting remarried. And she
had, I think the right mindset for marriage.
She didn't have this absurd age range. You
know, she she really had a nice age
range for her for herself.
She had a good perspective in terms of
finances.
But one of the things that I mentioned
to her, and this is an uncomfortable piece,
and this speaks to the whole,
you know,
high value men and and resources.
One of the things that she was entertaining
an idea she was entertaining is that the
brother would also pay for,
her, not only her, but also her children.
And
some brothers will do that. I would suggest
to you, those are outliers. And that's what
I have suggested for her to to entertain,
that that's an outlier that will do that.
Will you find brothers that will do it?
Yes. That's an outlier.
If you want a man with a lot
of resources,
the reality is he is more than likely
if he has resources and you both are
in your forties,
more than likely he's going to marry that.
And that's something that you have to think
about. So it's the cost of what you
really want.
Right?
That's it. It's something to to think about
because
you may have to work when you're older.
Well That that that that just may be
a reality.
And are you willing to do that? Or
if not, are you willing to marry someone
who has the resources, but what are you
willing to give up for that?
Right? There's a cost with that.
And this this and and we had a
very constructive conversation with the sister and I
around this issue of religion.
She had a healthy mindset about that. She
was open to it. And that's the reality.
You know, like I said to her, a
man that has a wife has receipts.
Nothing wrong with a divorced man in terms
of an option,
but a lot of that is just theory.
The man that is married has practice. He
has application.
You can literally see how is he handling
his family.
Right?
But the cost with someone who's engaged in
polygyny, he may not have the financial,
fluidity to be able to give you the
same amount of resources
that the man who's divorced can.
Oh. Right? So, again, this the point I'm
trying to say is this concept the this
conversation about finances,
is not a cookie cutter conversation. It's like
It's not. It's not. No. It's so nuanced.
Yeah. Yeah. It's someone's particular situation.
Right? And and one last thing I'll add
to that.
You know, what do you do for a
sister who's late thirties
and has a daughter
and wants to remarry?
You know, should she should she marry someone
and they live together?
Should they live apart?
What type of financial should she request if
she's not living with her husband?
Oh.
He doesn't have full access to his wife.
But one of the reasons she may logically
not going to to live in the same
space as our new husband is she has
a daughter she wants to protect.
So this is what I'm saying. Like, this
conversation about finances, I think, unfortunately, in our
community, we we,
we don't delve too deep into it, and
we like to stick on the surface. Like,
a brother has to pay a 100%.
And if not, then,
you know,
he's a,
you know, not worthy or a dusty bump.
And I know that's not what you're saying,
but that's kind of we we stand on
the surface. We gotta dig deep.
And just for extra smoke, extra smoke,
so that the sisters can throw the smoke
at you to me.
A lot of this, I think, is driven
by women.
A lot of this is driven by sisters
who are fearful of their husbands taking second
wives.
Woah. Wait. How did we get there? How
did that happen? How? Can we take that?
What?
Okay. Justify that, please. What do you mean?
What I mean what I mean by that
is this.
I think a lot of times,
I hear married women
talk from a from a place of privilege.
Yes.
And
that place of privilege
is spewed out to
divorce women,
older women
that says you must have these certain standards
for the type of man you should merit,
including
financial standards.
And
that's great if you have been with your
husband for
15,
10, you know, 18 years, 20 years, and
that's your situation.
But that's not necessarily gonna be the situation
for
a sister trying to get remarried.
Right. Okay.
Can I let me jump in there? Hence
hence, we have to have nuanced conversations.
Okay. So let me jump in there. I
I okay. I think I see what you're
saying. I don't know how much of that
is driven by wanted to prevent the Gini
or anything like that. But Wanted to prevent
what? I missed what you said.
That is to prevent or
or kind of anything like that.
But
I think it's fair for us to say
that
there is a very
real
burden of performance on Muslim men when it
comes to finances.
And
the more you are able the more capable
you are of taking care of your family,
the more
the more leverage you have, actually, I think.
If you especially if you are a man
who wants to be the emir and lead
his family. Right?
Money makes up for a lot. Okay? I
can promise you that. Money makes up for
a lot. If your wife is is taken
care of financially. Right?
But maybe you're not your the the most
romantic guy. Right? Or there's other issues.
A lot of those issues that sisters tend
to kind of get excited about. When the
money piece is calm,
they can be, you know, they can ignore
those. But if their money piece isn't there,
trust and believe, all of those other issues
are going to be an even bigger mush
killer. Right? Because of this
irritation of, and he's not even taking care
of me financially. And he didn't even pay
the this. You know? And we haven't been
able to do x y zed. But, anyway,
let's let's let's let's drill this down.
So there is a real burden of performance.
It's not a dunya we burden of performance
per se. It's actually an Islamic
responsibility.
Right? So
regardless of where you're at in your life,
as a man,
that is a part of being a a
man, a responsible man who has a family.
It is getting your finances in order. So
there's that.
Then there's the piece of women understanding that
and Muslim women understanding that, and Muslim women
understanding that and Muslim women being well within
their rights to expect that
and to vet for that. Can we agree
on that?
Let's say yes, guys, in the chat, please,
if we can agree on that.
Then we can also agree that in today's
day and age, people's expectations
are out of whack.
What people expect husbands to be able to
provide,
the kind of lifestyle people expect to be
able to have is way out of proportion.
And if we go back to the sunnah,
we see that it is not in line
with what we've been encouraged to to to
to do, to aim for, to to to
to to use as a barometer. Right?
So that's an area of adjustment.
That's something that we can look at. The
dowries, the mahars, you know, the big weddings.
Right? The the the the high expectations when
it comes to lifestyle, to travel, to gifts,
to home ownership. Right? These these kind of,
you know, really Instagrammable things.
These these are areas where we need an
attitude adjustment. Right? So I think we can
agree on that.
I think we can also agree that
past the first marriage
where it's you and your husband and your
children,
I think that we both can agree and
many of us in the chat can agree
that the conversation becomes more nuanced about finance
when you're talking about subsequent marriages.
Right?
If you're divorced and you're remarrying
and you have children,
that is a finance conversation. Right? There's nothing
to be taken for granted there. It's a
conversation.
If you, want to be married, but you
don't intend to live together, for example, because
of the children, again, that's a conversation.
If he
already has a family and he would like
to marry you
and you already have your own in your
own home, I believe that's a conversation.
I believe that it is a conversation. I
don't think that it helps sisters
to be insistent
on this point
of he has to provide a 100%. He
has to provide a 100%.
Because while, yes, it is his responsibility to
provide,
how is that rigidity
working out for you when you are in
a space where now you really should be
negotiating
and should be flexible?
That's my take on it. Now there are
sisters out there who do not want to
settle.
They do not want to be flexible. They're
like, I'm a have it all or I'll
have nothing. And that's fine. That's fair enough.
Nobody's judging you for that. Nobody's telling you
you can't want what you want, but, obviously,
the results will show for themselves.
And whatever it is that you want, just
understand what it is that you want and
the price that you're paying for that. But
I think you wanted to jump in. Sorry.
I've been on a bit of a long
say that I I I agree with that
point. And my point is to say that
I think that narrative, that last point,
I'm not knowing my standards, and I want
a 100% business and this. My point is
I think that is spewed by
privileged
married women. That's the point that I'm trying
to say. And and and I've said this
before.
I think
women need to be sister need to be
very careful of who they listen to when
it comes to marriage because
the comfortable sister that has the home and
the husband
speaks from a place of privilege and a
narrative
that may not fit your situation,
And thus, there needs to be that negotiation.
Yep. It reminds me of it it reminds
sorry to jump in, but it reminds me
of when very beautiful women,
very beautiful, highly sought after women give dating
advice right in the non Muslim space. And
they tell you do this, do that. Don't
let him do that. Don't let him do
that. Right? And then when ordinary average women
try to apply the advice,
it doesn't work. It's like male dating coaches
as well, you know, who they they have
they are the chads. Right? They are the
ones that everybody wants, and they give the
guys all this advice and say, do this,
do that. Don't let her do this. Don't
let her do that. Meanwhile, the average man
doesn't have the leverage. Right? He doesn't have
the leverage that the privileged person has. Just
like a woman may not have the same
leverage. Right? If you've already had 5 children
and you don't want to have any more
children,
you don't have the same leverage
for a man who wants to have a
family.
Right? Because if he wants to have a
family,
you've had 5 and you don't want anymore,
but you want him,
girl, you're gonna have to strike a deal
because you're not really ideal for his needs.
Right? You're not Let's let's talk about this.
Yeah. Sure. Talk about this? Let let's because
I get touch back, and I think you
get it. I know you get it as
well.
Can we spend a moment on this on
this making a deal?
Because I I think,
again, I I see it, and I think
you brought up a very good point. Like,
I see oftentimes
sisters who are married and or those who
are not
that,
you know, feature wise, it's very attractive.
Speaking from a place of
no negotiation at all. Right. I need this,
this, this, and this, and this, and this.
Yeah. Right?
And it's it's
and it's just it I really believe it's
counterproductive
for sisters that don't meet that
Muslim
Eurocentric
standard of beauty.
And that's just there. We want to deny
that that's in
the, well, that's another conversation,
but for a sister that don't meet that
and or have children and or divorce,
you can't follow certain
guides because that's just not your situation.
Yeah. And I and
and creating and negotiating the deal is important.
So but, again, the point that I was
making earlier is
I want the brother to I want his
sister to check that he's going in with
the mindset that he knows it's his responsibility.
Yeah. Yeah. He knows a 100%. This is
my responsibility.
What is negotiated
after that is something separate.
But I don't want you going into a
marriage with someone that's questioning whether it's his
responsibility.
That's the point of Except except in the
case of stepchildren, guys, and we're gonna have
to keep reiterating this. We have to keep
reiterating this because
certain sisters are bugging. Okay?
Sisters,
a man not either
being in a position
to support your children financially
or making it clear to you that that
is not his responsibility,
that is not a red flag.
Yeah. Islamically,
that is not his duty. It is not
his responsibility.
The children are financially the responsibility
of their father. This is from the dean.
This is not some misogynist,
you know,
anti woman thing. It's not even hating on
the stepchildren necessarily. It's just that the either
the man is
financially constrained and cannot do it, or he
understands that, Islamically, it's not my responsibility.
If I want to give anything to them,
then I will.
But, like, you can't hold it against me
if I don't. Right?
At the end of the day, sis, it's
up to you if you want to refuse
them on that basis. But we have to
stop this
this expectation
that sisters have that the man is gonna
come in and be the de facto father
figure. Right? Because it's I I believe it's
unfair.
And I believe that
feeling entitled
to that level of investment from your husband
means that you have this high standard that
you expect from him, and you're going to
be constantly holding him up to that standard
that is in your head. And you're not
gonna be grateful for what he does. And
I've said this before on my channel. We've
got the smoke for it. I don't care.
Yeah. The same goes for brothers who marry
women as thing who they want them to
be stepmothers to their children. Being a step
parent is a thankless task for a lot
of the time for a lot of people.
Alhamdulillah,
Allah
brings
men and women into the lives of children
to give them whatever it is that they
need. We've
seen this. We've witnessed this. And this is
a blessing from Allah.
But we should not expect
that level of involvement and investment from a
man that is marrying us at the end
of the day because it's not an easy
job. And no matter how wonderful you think
your kids are, they're not all that. They're
just kids. Right? They're kids like everybody else's
kids. They've got their good days. They've got
their bad days. And if you were interested
in, like, my breakdown of this whole step
parent thing, I refer you to the video
on my channel because I went into this
in a lot of detail.
But we we really, really need to start
having
nuanced conversations,
open conversations,
honest conversations that are not full of blackmail
and shaming,
right, when it comes to men and what
they're ready to bring to the table. That's
my rant over. Please do continue.
No. I no. I I you're spot on,
but I I think it was really the
mic was with you in terms of we
wanted to touch on the negotiation.
Why is there such pushback
again telling sisters that they need to
negotiate?
I need to come in again. I'm so
sorry, guys, Someone said something in the chat.
And what they said in the chat was,
what is all of this, Kalam, about divorced
sisters and older mature sisters?
This was never an issue during the time
of the prophet.
Why are we making issue now?
Sorry, guys.
During the time of oh, you do not
want to go there today, guys. We don't
wanna do this. We don't wanna do this.
Drink the coffee, please. Drink the coffee. No.
No. Take the sip of the coffee, please.
Please go in while I while I sit.
Please.
During the time of the prophet, women
were humble.
They had dignity.
They had
from Islam,
and they held their heads up high as
Muslim women. But when it came to being
wives, they were humble.
And if a good man asked them to
marry them as a first, second, third, or
fourth, they would say yes. If a man
who had nothing more than an iron ring
to give us
a was a good man, they would say
yes. If a man was ugly,
right, the ugliest man in the town, but
he had a good heart, they would say
yes.
We're not on that level. Let's not pretend
that we are. Okay? That is not where
we're at. So please let's not cherry pick
aspects from the Sira and the Sunnah to
back up our position. Because for sure, I've
said this before and I'll say it again.
If we truly,
as Muslims, all of us, the brothers and
the sisters, because everybody's getting it today. Okay?
No one no party is free today. Everybody's
getting it today. If we truly
obeyed
the laws of Allah
and we followed the sunnah of the prophet
sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, when the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wa sallam said, if
a man with good deen and character comes
to you, then marry him. Otherwise, they will
be much fitna in the earth.
Sisters, we're not doing that
because, otherwise,
all these brothers who are commenting on these
videos, they wouldn't be saying the stuff they're
saying. They would not have time to be
on YouTube watching videos talking about male and
female dynamics because they'd be having fun with
you. They'd be eating your food. They'd be
playing with your kids. You guys, we're building
a life together, but that's not what's happening.
We've got sisters single
and stuck in their way and what they
want. We've got brothers single tearing their hair
out saying, I don't think I'll ever have
a family of my own. And all of
this, guys, is because
we've got the dean at the bottom, and
we've layered it with our own personal preferences,
with cultural stuff, with social stuff, with economic
stuff, with all of these other things.
So the reason why
the the the the landscape has changed, the
reason why we're having these conversations is because
we are not the people of the past.
So let's not if we, as older women,
divorcees, etcetera, are not behaving
like the women of the time of the
prophet,
let's not shame the men into having the
same attitude as the women as the men
at the time of the prophet because if
you remember,
the men at the time of the prophet
sallallahu alaihi wa sallam, they were women who
were married by several sahaba, and we know
this. Right? Women who were married by several
sahaba, no one said a word about them.
Okay? Again, different group of people.
Alright?
Those people at that time used to have
children
and send them to the desert for 2
years
to be raised by somebody else. They used
to divorce and leave their children with their
husband's family and go off and marry somebody
else. Different type of people, different times.
So,
again, I I'm sitting down.
I'm calm.
The reason
that the conversation with mature sisters and divorced
sisters, etcetera, is taking place now
is because
the sisters in question, many of us, we
have very high standards. And brother Nasu, I've
said this before. And those of you who
are listening now, you can hear me out
on this. I believe many of
Whether it comes from the work that we've
done on ourselves or the investment we've made
in ourselves
or self love or just the lives that
we've led, we believe
much we think much, much more of ourselves.
Right?
So we're not that humble.
We're not that accepting.
We're not that grateful.
Okay?
We have set a high standard.
And if you've set a high standard,
and because of your high standard, every man
that comes along is a nope. Nope. Nope.
Nope. Nope.
Because you think you deserve more,
then don't be surprised if the marriage search
takes as long as it takes or that
you never find somebody.
Because you've set your expectations and your criteria
so high, you priced yourself out of the
market. People aren't checking for you like that,
and that's okay.
Right? Because as I've said before,
everyone is looking for something. This has got
nothing to do with your intrinsic worth. It
has nothing to do with your value as
a human being. When we're talking about value
within the marriage space, it's the value that
you bring to someone else's life as a
wife,
The value you bring to someone else's life
as a husband. It's like what you were
saying, brother Nafsir, about the brother could be
a good brother,
but he's not a good husband because he
doesn't bring value as a husband. The sister
could be an amazing sister, but that doesn't
mean she brings value as a wife. A
wife is a different set of criteria. It
is a different job description.
It's not a bus girl job description. It's
not even a mother job description. It's not
a sister, a friend, you know, a a
a traveling buddy. It's not the same. A
wife is a different job description. And many
of us women today,
we don't either know what that job description
looks like or we don't like what it
looks like, and we want it to be
something else.
That's what I have to say on that.
And and
and, hence,
brothers that are capable, that have resources,
this is uncomfortable,
are looking
abroad. And see, this is that leverage piece
that a lot of sisters don't like to
hear. It's an uncomfortable truth,
but as they get older, they lose
leverage. And that's just a reality.
Again, we're not talking about worth. We talking
about value to the market. The value adds
to a relationship.
This is why we have brothers
that have
degrees, that have means, that have resources,
that are literally looking
at going back, quote, unquote, home or to
other countries, developing countries
to find wives.
And so
many sisters may push back against that, but
I think it speaks
directly to what you just said.
The reason why they're doing that is they're
more likely the probability
of finding someone
that is okay.
Forget about okay.
That has been raised to
appreciate
and excel
at the job description of being a wife
and being a mother,
she accepts.
You don't have to force her into it.
It's not something that she begrudgingly does. It's
not something that she does just to check
off the box. It's something that she was
raised to do.
Yep. Right?
And she's not pushing back against
why she has to do what she has
to do in terms of being a wife.
Brothers are literally,
I know a significant number of brothers that
have the resources
that can take care of families,
but are literally looking abroad.
And sisters don't have that luxury.
This is where this is the honest conversation.
Sisters out there, look, if you are late
twenties, early thirties, you are not and you
just, for example, you're from Pakistan.
You and then you're born in the UK
and your ethnicity, though, is Pakistan. You're not
trying to go back and marry your cousin
from Pakistan.
That's just not what you that's not your
top tier option.
Not top tier. No. Not top tier. Not
the ideal.
Exactly. But for a brother, that could be
a top tier option.
Hence their pool of option increases.
So how do you address that as a
sister is
you have that humility that we both have
spoken about and you re you refine your
standards.
You have to refine the standards because I
see it often.
I see it often in terms
of sisters that have unrealistic
expectations for brothers.
Comments that come through have it. The one
thing I would say to this, sis, you
can have it. Let me just be very
clear. You can have it.
But the part of the accountability is you
can keep your, your unrealistic
expectation.
And for you may believe it is realistic.
No problem, But just accept
the cost that comes with
those standards.
Yep. Exactly. A comment just came through, which
I think encapsulate perfectly what I'm saying, which
is, sister said,
a lot of brothers can't even do the
bare minimum.
Shaking my head. Sisters are tired of settling.
Sis,
sis,
look. Let's
let's be honest.
Let's be honest. Okay. So to that system
to comment, my question is,
what about the brothers that can do more
than the bare minimum?
Are you not looking at those?
Do they not have the height that you're
looking for?
Are they not as attractive as you want
them to be? Do they not have a
certain finesse or swag that you want?
Are they not living in your same city
as you demand?
Are they not from your same ethnicity?
So let's go down and really look at
it. Or and this is the uncomfortable piece,
or is it because you have a demand
that he must be single?
Because if we're talking about the tradition, the
tradition is the prophet did not say if
a man comes to you with sound dean
and sound character
and he's single,
then marry him.
He didn't say
that. Yeah. He said if he comes and
he has good character and good deed, and
he stopped it.
He didn't say and that he was single.
He didn't say, and it would be a
monogamous situation.
So the reality is is if you're not
finding men that can provide the bare minimum,
then maybe you need to reassess your standards.
Okay.
Sis says,
I'm not giving a man nothing if he's
not fully providing.
Fair enough, sis. Fair enough. It is your
right to have full provision.
But all I would say as your sister
in Islam
is understand
what a man does that for.
Why would a man
sign up
to provide for your lifestyle? What is it
that he wants out of this deal that
y'all are making?
Can you provide that?
Because if you can, masha'Allah,
you're going to find your man. But if
you can't or you have a problem with
any of the things that he has a
right to ask for because of his provision,
we're gonna
struggle. So
the sisters who want full provision,
understand what like, understand the game. Right? If
a man is going to work hard
to to to to to make money, to
pay bills, to buy you what you want
so that you don't have to, there's now
a burden of performance on you.
That and, you know, I hate to go
here. I hate to go here,
But firstly, it starts with attitude.
It starts with gratitude. It starts with being
nice. It starts with being respectful.
It starts with appreciating him. It continues into
looking after yourself, making sure you keep yourself
up, making sure that you look beautiful for
him, being desirable to him, making sure you
look after the house, the home that he's
provided, making sure that you raise the children
correctly, making sure you give him intimacy when
he wants it, making sure that you take
care of
him and take care of his needs
from a place of love and gratitude.
And, sis, if you have the heart to
do that, he will be your king, and
you will never have to lift a finger
with regards to money ever. But if any
of what I just said is a problem
for you, you don't have the right to
ask for full provision because you don't have
what it takes to have a man fully
provide for you. And that is my word
on it. And I know I know, sisters,
I know where that combative nature is coming
from. And let me tell you one thing.
If that's the tone you're taking into your
conversations with the brothers,
forget it. You're done up here.
You're not going to get that any man
with of substance
who has self respect, as soon as he
hears you saying stuff like that, he's out.
Brother Nasser, am I off on this? Like,
am I completely have I lost my mind?
Fall back.
I I would tell any brother.
If you if you sit down with a
sister and you sense that attitude,
respectfully
fall back. There's no need to even have
any further conversation. That mindset is not one
you want to build
at all.
And the the reality is
men that have resources
have options.
So I I I so
but I I think I think it's important
though
that we push a little bit further with
this. Mhmm.
Again,
sisters, if you are only having brothers that
you are meeting
that are not willing to provide
full resources,
you have to ask yourself,
what type of men am I entertaining?
What what environments am I looking in for
men?
And then 2,
what am I really bringing, quote, unquote, to
the table?
Because maybe what I'm bringing is not something
that men of resources
are valued,
And that's an honest conversation.
And thus, you may need to negotiate
if you want a certain type of man.
If you don't want a certain type of
man and you're willing to refine some of
your standards, then the flood doors are open.
But if you want a man that's gonna
provide,
you gotta have a certain value. The
Yeah. Turn on investment. As I always say
Mhmm. A man of resources
is not he's going to understand
return on investment.
And if he's the type of guy that
should have his emotions in check,
he's not going to just take you when
you don't add value to his life.
No. And I think can we can we
just talk about this? I want to bring
this stream to a close because, guys, guess
what? Guess what? Guess what? Inshallah,
this is the first of many.
Brother Nasir and I are going to be
having more of these conversations, and we're going
to be inviting you to come and join
us on some of them. So somebody was
mentioning, you know, suggesting a sister to come
onto the stream. Unfortunately, we can't do that
today, but for sure, we will be back
inshallah
every week, and we will have times when
people can actually call in, can actually come
on, you know, share their peace and, you
know, be involved in the conversation.
But going back to
the the finance piece. Right?
Because I have a lot of sisters who
watch this channel and may Allah bless every
single one of you sisters with the best.
I love you for the sake of Allah.
I wanna say this.
We have the right to be provided for.
This is a right that Allah has given
us. And may he bless us all with
husbands who are cognizant of this right and
try their best to fulfill it for the
sake of Allah. That's my dua on that
side. But we also have to understand, ladies,
that there is with that provision and the
protection,
there is a burden of performance on us.
K? That means that something is required from
us.
We have to bring value.
It's not just who you are as a
woman,
and that's
enough. We need to make sure that we
have the beauty,
the character,
the the family, you know, the the the
wealth. You know, we have to have our
ducks in a row. Right? And most importantly,
we need to make sure that we are
the caliber of woman that a man wants
to invest his resources into, that a man
wants to form a household with, that a
man wants to have a family with. I
remember,
hearing of a sister who was, you know,
on the in these marriage streets,
and she wanted a man
who understood his Islamic
obligations.
And anybody who's been out in these marital
app streets, you know what that means. Right?
It means that he is going to provide.
Right?
So she had a requirement that I need
a man who understands his Islamic responsibilities,
his Islamic obligations in the marriage,
but the sister did not wear hijab. This
sister actually,
smoked weed on a regular basis. She had
1,000 of pounds in debt. She did not
cook. She wasn't interested in cleaning. And
for her, that was perfectly acceptable. That was
fine. And this is obviously an extreme example.
It's an outlier example. And I know most
sisters are not like that. But we, as
sisters, need to make sure that we are
the fullest package that we can be if
we want to secure the resources. And if
we're not
prepared to put in the work,
be honest with yourself and say, you know
what?
I'm not prepared to put in the work
to get that quality of guy. I think
I'm gonna lower my expectations, and I'm gonna
go with a different caliber of guy because
I'm not prepared to put in the work
for the other one. And I'm gonna be
grateful for the guy who takes me at
that level as I am in whatever it
is, whether it's my bad attitude,
my messy house, my overweight self, you know,
my my my neuroticism, you know, my whatever
the case may be, I'm gonna lower my
standards
because I'm not prepared to be a better
person. So I'm gonna lower my standards, and
I'm gonna be grateful for somebody who chooses
me. And if somebody does accept me as
I am
and and accept me for everything that I
am, messy kids and all, I'm gonna love
that man. I'm gonna honor that man. I'm
gonna respect that man. I'm gonna make him
so happy that he made that decision.
But be real with yourself.
Right? Don't be out here fooling yourself thinking
that you are the best thing out there,
etcetera.
Be real with yourself. If there's work to
be done, either do it or accept the
consequences of not doing it. You know, if
you want that top tier guy, if it's
possible for you, aim for the top tier
guy and make a deal. Otherwise, accept the
guy who's on your level, you know, or
even less than that. Because at the end
of the day,
you being on your own, if that's what
you want and if you truly, truly believe
that I'd rather be alone
than settle,
you need to start listening
to the people out there who made who
said that type of thing 2, 3, 5
years ago and look at where they are
now. Because you may find that you don't
really want to follow those people because of
where they've found themselves today, freezing eggs
and do doing IVF on their own. Kind
of madness like this thing.
Or or, you know, pull back the curtain
and take a moment to really look at
how they're living their life.
Because oftentimes
most sisters that I work with, the majority
of my client base are sisters.
Most sisters that say I would rather be
single than lower my standards.
It's an emotional reaction.
It's not grounded in logic.
And oftentimes what I see is
they address that discomfort of being single
with
something that's self sabotage,
whether it be substance, whether it be *,
and sisters are into *. So I hope,
the community knows that.
Or whether it be dating, being the office
husband for someone,
or as I've heard the word, the corporate
concubine. So
it's important that we really are honest. Sisters
really be honest with how you are handling
being alone.
Can you really handle it?
Because it's easy just to say the mantra
of the of the masculinas.
I'd rather be single than to,
be alone. But can you really handle that?
And if you can,
this comes back to what are you weighing?
This societal's
masculine of standard
or what my dean is telling me is
the standard for a good marriage.
Because that singlehood, I it's rare.
It's rare that I see sisters who
who who have that mantra
that are single, that are are
really
living in a healthy manner. I see a
lot of self sabotage behavior.
For sure. For sure. And I think, you
know,
if we're able to just, like, pull back
our egos and
just go back to the reason of our
creation, I think it answers a lot of
questions. But,
just before we close out, Insha'Allah,
just for those of you who are watching,
you know, what I said about, you know,
single women and divorcees, etcetera, during the time
of the process. It's not a personal dig.
And we've said before on this channel, we'll
just reiterate it.
Men are different just like women are different.
Right?
Men are looking for different things at different
stages of their lives. Okay? So, mature sisters,
if you are past the stage, for example,
of childbearing,
you do you have very little value to
a man who is wanting to have a
family. Right?
No, you know, no, no I don't know
what it is. Something no foul. Right? No
big deal. Okay?
It so happens that the majority of brothers
that we hear talking are younger brothers, right,
who want to have a family. So, of
course, their interest is in younger sisters. But
there are brothers
who are interested in sisters who've been divorced
for whatever reason, who are interested in more
mature sisters
for some reasons that I'd like you to
jump in on brother Nasr because we've had
this conversation before. And maybe you can just
share with the sister the type of brother
that she should be looking for if she's
been divorced or she's a mature a mature
sister.
You know, stop looking at the bro the
boys who don't want her or the men
who don't want her. Who should she be
looking at them?
Yeah. So I I I I've said this
before, and you're right. We've had these conversations.
I I I think
sisters that have the humility that do the
work to do the unpacking to see what
the baggage is that they have. And before
you get a knee jerk reaction, we all
have baggage.
I've talked about this before in terms of
check-in baggage and carry on bags. What you
want to have is that carry on bag
just light. It doesn't weigh on the plane.
And so, sisters, that's what you want to
have going into any relationship.
And so what you want to look for
are brothers that see the wisdom that you
developed from the lessons learned.
That's what brothers are looking for because it's
choices. It's a mindset,
right? What type of mindset do I want
with me as I go forward in my
direction?
As this train moves forward, I only want
people on board that's on the team and
that can add value.
And whether that be companionship,
whether that be skills that you have, whether
that be your attractiveness, it's a combination of
all of these things. Just your mindset can
be a value
to a man. Now will he choose you
just because of that? No. But it can
be a combination of things.
Right? And the fact that you have those
lessons learned, the onboarding process for you as
a mature woman
is not like it is for a sister
who's young and never been married.
So
but this is the pushback, or this is
the problem for sisters, for some sisters. Let
me be very clear. Some sisters.
Is that
a lot of times those brothers are older.
And I find, oftentimes, the sisters who were
in their late thirties and even early forties,
they'll so you have a sister who's 40
who will say she wants someone 35 to
43
or,
34 to 43, and she's 40. She's only
willing to go up 3,
3 years, but willing to go down 8
to 10 years. So, sisters need to be
very realistic. You need to have a broader
range. Right? You need to extend that. And
and and reality is, sis, however
young you think you are at 40.
At 39, at 38, you're not as young
as you looked when you were
20,
25, 28.
That's just a reality.
So then you double down on the wisdom
that you have,
the other attributes that you can bring to
a relationship.
And then the other thing is, and this
is the uncomfortable part.
And I think you've spoken about this before
is,
yeah, it would be in your best interest.
You don't have to to avail yourself to
men who are married.
Because men in their late thirties, early forties
that have been killing it, that have been
doing what they're supposed to do,
as you said before, I agree, they're typically
married.
Yep.
So
expand those options.
It's not about lowering the standard. It's about
refining it by being honest about what exactly
is your value
in the market at this age of your
life.
So I'm not I'm not
of the camp at all of
not marrying divorcees
or not marrying widows and not more marrying
women with children. I'm not in that camp,
but I'm not in the camp of marrying
those women
that haven't done that work on themselves and
then come to the table thinking
that they are entitled
to something,
that I can get from another one who's
younger,
who doesn't have that baggage.
And I think that's the mindset I hear
from so many brothers.
Hence.
If I can,
I got a response here where a sister
said to me, I keep hearing about brothers
looking abroad? I married abroad as a convert.
It just worked out for me, and I
had the resources to do it.
Sis,
you're an anomaly.
Most sisters, most of the sisters are not
interested in marrying from
abroad. So just I just wanna give a
quick answer to that. That's not the the
norm.
And oftentimes,
unfortunately, a lot of times,
after a green card or citizenship is obtained,
crickets,
cats.
It's it's a problem. It's it's I mean,
I think, sisters, if we're honest, we can
say that, you know, we
we would struggle, a lot of us. And
we do struggle, a lot of us, with,
you know, a brother, a Moroccan brother, a
Pakistani brother from Pakistan, you know, a Lebanese
brother. Not to say it can't happen,
but it's a struggle. Right? Because,
yeah, we can talk about that another time.
Brother Nasir,
I think we need to close this out.
It's been a very lively session. Yeah. Go
ahead. Let me make one point, one plug
for soft life.
Sisters.
I am
doing matchmaking and
for any brother that comes through me,
he has to have that mindset.
So I'm vetting everybody, brothers and sisters.
Right. And so any brother that comes has
to have the mindset that it is his
responsibility
to provide. Now with the 2 of you
negotiate after I connect you, that's something separate,
but also sisters, you have to come with
the understanding that it's your responsibility
to be that wife.
So this entitlement stuff, if you have that,
don't reach out to me. But if you
understand traditionally what it is to be a
wife and what it is to traditionally be
a man, then reach out to me. You
can message me on IG.
And one of the things that I think
we're gonna be doing here in the coming
weeks is highlighting,
profiles that we think,
are top tier.
So just just make sure you are following
this space.
Make sure you reach out to me on
IG.
And,
yeah, just go from there.
Yep. Alright, guys. You heard it here first.
What you need to do now is you
need to subscribe to the channel. You need
to like this video, and please do share
it. And let us know in the comments,
really,
what you loved, what you didn't love, what
you agreed with, what you didn't agree with.
The chat was extremely lively. Thank you so
much all of you who attended live because
it was very, very interesting to see,
everybody talking about what we were discussing. I
love that
we didn't get drawn off on tangents and
start talking about something else. But,
the marriage conversation continues, guys. We're putting season
3 in the works.
Brother Nasir and I have got a a
series of topical issues that we want to
discuss, and we'll be doing that over the
next few weeks.
Also, we'll have a live show inshallah with
profiles,
just because we wanna be able to bring
people together. And to be honest, brother Nasid,
we just want the ajo. Right? We just
want the barakah. We just want to get
the good deeds, Insha'Allah, for being able to
help people form families and find their way
through this madness that we, that we are
living in right now. Let me read this
comment to you. The sister said, thank you
for that.
You have changed my mindset about the top.
That's what we
want.
And that is all. May Allah accept our
efforts. May Allah put Barakah in all our
affairs. If we've done or said anything wrong,
guys, you know it's from ourselves and from
the shaitan, and any good is from Allah
Subhaata'ala. Please do leave your comments below.
Make sure you like the video. Subscribe to
the channel, and do not miss another session
with brother Nasir and I will see you
guys on the other side. We are out.
And