Naima B. Robert – Frank Marriage Advice for Muslims Desire and Intimacy for Muslim Couples
AI: Summary ©
The importance of men and women's desire is emphasized in Islam, along with the need for men to control their behavior and expressing their desires in a UDPna matter. The complexities of marriage and the importance of men not being able to achieve their desire are also discussed. The speakers emphasize the need for practicing, following, and expressing desire within marriage, and provide advice on managing desire within marriage. They also emphasize the importance of not overdoing feeling intimacy and working on oneself, finding a partner, and building a safe haven in one's homes. The speakers offer free yearly work for UK attendees and provide resources for women experiencing abuse.
AI: Summary ©
Guys. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome
to the next
segment in the intimacy conversation. We're on day
2.
We've had some really, really thought provoking
and interesting conversations so far.
Brother,
our next guest is a brother, our first
brother on the panel.
Those of you who are familiar with my
channel,
then you probably are familiar with our conversation
and the marriage conversation.
But I'm very, very pleased to welcome brother
Gabriel Arromani
to the intimacy conversation.
Brother, if you want to just,
get your video going,
and then we can get you on here.
One moment.
Get the recording up.
Right. Call to the cloud.
Guys. Welcome welcome welcome to this session of
the intimacy conversation.
I have my brother Gabriel Al Romani who
is going to be leading this session today
insha'Allah
and I am going to be handing over
to him for him to tell you if
you don't know who he is, who he
is, what he does, and then we're going
to be talking about dealing with desires
from, I'm sure, a very holistic perspective.
Please feel free to put your questions. If
you're, a v if you're a, a VIP,
put your questions in the Zoom. If you're
on YouTube, do put your questions in the
chat. We will check through them inshallah.
But make the most of this opportunity to
have our brother Gabriel Arromani,
speaking to us on this very, very, very
important topic.
So brother, without any further ado, I will
hand over to you inshallah.
Just wanna make sure the
voice
is okay. Right?
Everything's fine?
Okay.
For the invitation. I hope everyone is doing
well. May Allah bless all of you. Indeed,
this is a very important conversation
that,
is being held.
And with that importance comes, of course, a
lot of responsibility
in the Muslim Ummah to
best of
ways.
You know SubhanAllah, I would like to share
an advice that was given to me by
someone
and they said
that this issue of intimacy is such an
important
thing in our Ummah right now. We are
surrounded by
desire everywhere you turn.
And
the desires is they're so high that people
are losing themselves.
See that
this desire fest is being spearheaded by, of
course, the non Muslims.
And if you think about it, they say
that the fastest man to a ways, the
fastest
and start is through their belly. Right? You
feed them and you get to their heart.
Well, that is not correct. Fastest way
to a man's heart is
through his desires or her desires.
And Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala tells in Quran
something very interesting
indeed
the nafs,
it incites you to evil except whom Allah
saves from that or has mercy on them.
This illah,
this
istithna
as we say in Arabic, in the Arabic
language, it is an exception.
And the ulama have
con what is the exception?
Who is,
for example,
When Allah subhanahu tells us
that
the people be misguided
except for the so called
or the righteous servants.
And again, the
of the of comment, who are the
And they said,
looking at the Hadith and the Quran,
the
are those that Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala himself
has chosen to protect,
Meaning they are not left to just their
nafs. Everyone else is kind of left with
this
Imtihan or this test in our life to
deal and struggle with our
desire, right?
Allah subhanahu tells in the Quran,
indeed successfully
he or she who purifies this and
the one who doesn't who corrupts it will
fail.
So Allah
has
selected
a specific few to protect them. Like the
prophet,
he wanted to go before
before revelation
to attend a a party.
In doing so, he told 1 of the
shepherd boys
to go. Just
wait for me, stay there and
I will Insha'Allah,
come back.
But he did not.
And
what happened? The Rasul Sam fell asleep.
Allah caused him to
allow him to go to this party.
You see Allah interfered in that,
right?
Of course, most people don't have that.
I apologize. There seemed to be something something
Yeah. Now
so
most people are left to
hires.
Now having said that, going back to my
main point is that
we have a specific responsibility
to deal with this issue and
with this.
I'm gonna go, I released some videos. I
was talking about this quite often and some
of the brothers that I
take advice from, they said, look, be careful,
right? They said because this conversation
go another way. It's easy to joke about
it.
It's easy to slip when you're talking about
intimacy. Why? Because it's linked directly
to your soul. It's linked directly to something
that actually you like.
Actually something that you enjoy.
Right? Intimacy is something beautiful. It's something amazing.
So it's linked to your desire to enoughs,
yet it's so easy to slip it in.
That's why you see
on desire, the nafs and what's called the
Hawa.
Allah subhanahu says in the Quran
Did you see the one who has taken
as his
his his God,
his ila, his desire?
Right?
I mean, let's be honest. All of us
have felt it. All of us have experienced
it, specifically when it comes to not food,
water, this, that, talk about intimacy.
When it comes to intimacy, the desire seems
to be the most heightened.
It seems to be the most powerful,
the most driving,
because it's linked to that innate
fitra
to be with someone,
to
be in love, to share that feeling, that
desire,
to procreate,
to actually to make love, right? The Allah
Subhana tells Quran
says, you have put between you, love.
So the concept of love
is that energy that creates life actually,
right? What comes out of making love? It
comes life because
the woman gets pregnant, alhamdulillah,
children and so on.
So, and Allah SWT says,
Ayah is not just a Quranic verse, it
is
actually an evidence, it is
a miracle.
Indeed intimacy
is a miracle.
What comes out of intimacy, out of making
love, because now it's called *. People
easily throw the word out there,
But there used to be called making love
because it's producing love. It's the energy that
actually connects
and gives that life.
So it's so easy to slip when you're
talking about it. It's so easy to joke.
It's so easy to be inappropriate.
It's so easy even for Muslims when they're
talking in conferences as such
to become inappropriate, to joke.
Not just that to bring personal
experiences sometimes into this discussion, which is a
big nahi, it's a big,
forbidden thing as a prophet told us, Nadeeth,
it's like a shaitan meeting with another shaitan
on the path and telling him what he's
done his thing with his lady shaitan,
right? It's secrets of the bedroom should never
be shared. However,
having said that, if Haya is maintained,
if Haya and decency
then of course academically, we should be speaking
about it. So I was advised,
and I give the same advice to my
brothers and sisters
when they talk about, especially when men and
women talk together.
A lot of people can say, yeah, but
you know, we did this, we did that.
It's all about what we do today.
In Islam, it's all about how we come
back and that's what
coming back means
to make tovah, to repent, to change our
ways, that we always try to do better,
right? It's not about judging someone or about
thinking you're better than someone. It's about when
someone points something out to you that and
there's an evidence for it, that you should
you should consider, should be honest enough
and sincere enough to say, you know what,
I think this person is right. Especially when
our ulema
and when our scholars, when the people who
have more knowledge than us,
they give us the evidence.
And it doesn't mean that they're restricting us,
it means that they're redirecting us.
So in doing so, I caution
when we discuss about this topic,
about the laughing and about the joking and
about the, you know,
it just something that we have to be
very careful so we don't slip and lose
ourselves. Remember, intimacy is something that Allah swanhu
when he, the prophet when we talked to
to the Sahaba radiAllahu anhu,
the Sahaba were shocked because the process and
said you get rewarded for it. You get
you get for it. So the process was
not shy. He said, whoever is shy will
not learn. He was not shy. Stop for
a lot. Let me let me, sorry. Let
me,
rephrase that. It's not he was not
shy as in, like, he doesn't wanna talk
about this, like, it was something taboo. Intimacy
was not something taboo.
Intimacy was not something taboo. Actually, in some
of the hadith,
some interesting and funny words even are used
when he's talking to Omar Khotab radiAllahu, for
example, when he's talking to one of the
other Sahabas
who his wife was complaining about intimacy
and the words, you know, the Sahabi used
and the process and laughed
and when
he this
so it's not like that's it, we're closing
the door, no, but we just have to
be careful, especially when you're talking men and
women
joking and so on. So prophet Rasool Islam
said this gives you reward, but at the
same time he said to the Sahaba, when
there are questions, say, You Rasoolah, how can
we
get adjir and reward?
Meaning when you're intimate, you're making love to
your wife,
you are basically being rewarded.
You're getting adjir.
The angels shy away,
they move away, they do not
they do not,
they do not,
you know, record, they there's a shyness, there's
a there's a
it's just something beautiful, something intimate
That is
only for the husband and the wife.
So the sahaba say you're gonna
get like rewarded. The prophet said, wouldn't you
get punished if you do it in the
wrong way? You see it's like such a
fine line. It's like you do it right
and you get rewarded. You do it wrong
or you engage in anything wrong,
then you can get punished.
So having said that,
dealing with desire.
This is one of the greatest,
I would say most important topics today. Why?
Because it's linked to the fitra, to the
soul.
No one can deny that they have desire.
No one.
However,
desire can be
contained or it can be left to just
roam around and do whatever a person wants.
And that's why Allah says in the Quran
Quran Whoever fears the meeting with his Lord
will have.
And many
that talk about the nafs, talk about Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala and and controlling yourself,
the reward of it. The prophet,
so he was very intimate.
We have many hadith
of but for example, when it came to
when it came to
nights it says that he has he had
the most control and he was tightened he
would tighten his ears out. He was the
most controlled person,
right?
So it the desire is, if you look
around the world right now, open up your
phone.
Desire.
I mean, let's be honest.
Scroll to Instagram.
Don't tell me that when you see something,
it's not going to affect you.
Don't tell me that when you open the
TV or Netflix
going to affect
you men and women, let's not forget brothers
and sisters, the
pandemic,
the epidemic
of * for both men and women. It's
not a joke. It's huge.
People think, oh my god, are you kidding
me? No, that doesn't
and we work for example in my Tuskegee
program, and we have a wing for brothers,
a wing for sisters, and it's full.
And yes, sisters are also caught by this
because people think no, sisters are very, very
innocent.
No, it's not like that. Everyone is touched
by this. Desires with everyone. Men are foolish
sometimes to think that women have no desire.
You're wrong, man. It might be that they
have even more desire than men sometimes if
a person understands their makeup.
So
dude has touched everyone. But the problem is
that it affects everyone. If we don't control
it, if you don't tame it, you get
affected. For example, men, if they don't tame
it,
easy to slip, easy to commit zina, easy
to do the wrong thing.
And because they are the leader of this
ummah, they become weak.
Because they are the leaders of this ummah,
they are not able to lead
when they cannot control the desire. It is
said that many men
have become the masters of cities and towns,
yet they cannot master their desires,
right?
And as the prophet said, he said I
have not left a greater fitna for men
than women,
right? After I leave, there's gonna be no
greater fitna for men than a woman on
all levels. Some people don't like this hadith,
some people get upset, But if you know
the psychology of the man, then you understand
what we are talking.
No.
No.
And that's why if you look at it,
the restrictions of Islam, a lot of people
again don't like it.
The concept of the Hayat, yes, it's for
men as well, but for women.
Don't look and don't understand it. Why are
women restricted? Why niqab? Why hijab?
Why there's a concept of the wally, which
people are trying to fight today. Oh, I'm
not a prisoner in house. Oh, I can't,
you know, I can do whatever I want.
I'm free. There's that.
People can have all kinds of opinions, reinterpretations.
In the end,
in the end, when you look at the
evidence and so on, as the Sharia
vector on the woman.
You like your own, don't like it, I
mean don't have to take it out with
me right now. You can take it up
with Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. There's a reason
for that. People say, oh, why? If you
understand the psychology of the woman and her
role in the society. If a man
or he makes a mistake
as the leader, he will he will fail.
Big thing. Big problem.
We have huge issues with masculinity today, huge
issue with men not being able to hold
their ground, to hold their masculine frame. We
are weak.
No doubt. But if a man fails, he
fails himself.
1 person fails.
That doesn't mean necessarily the family is gonna
fail, but definitely is gonna be affected.
If a woman fails,
it's a huge problem because the children can
fail
and it won't even be felt.
The whole family can fail. I'm not blaming
here women, but understand why hijab's been put
on women and not on men.
Why niqab is recommended sometimes for women not
for men,
why there's certain things that a woman cannot
just do. It's not because it's just oh
men are chauvinistic and so on, because the
fitra of the woman
is easier
to incline sometimes.
If we look at some of the hadith
about
the end of time, about the coming of
the Dijal, people hate it. They want to
deny these hadith. Women fight against it. Feminists
hate it.
So called liberated Muslim as
Graham tried to say that its interpretation of
patriarchal,
they use all these, you know, terms that
the
the, you
know, neo
modernist and feminists are using today,
the pseudo, you know, liberated Muslim stuff for
Allah, guide.
And they'll say no, we don't accept this
interpretation. What interpretation don't you accept?
Look at the context.
Look at this is not
a just o, it's mutashabiha.
You're talking here about an actual context. The
process
this will happen with the Dijal. This was
happened this and this and this. The process
and make us explain certain hadith. People tried
to reinterpret it. They'll try to find some
classical scholar somehow that that is somehow revealed
directly from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
just to follow their again desires.
What's the issue? The issue is
that the sharia is heavier on the woman
because there is easier for the woman to
slip, and when she slips with her desires,
it's on a different level.
The man, yes, no doubt, is on another
level, but the woman also on another level.
The man is different. The
2 are totally different. The man, what can
he slip in? The man will slip
physically.
He will get attached to something physically. He
will commit a physical sin. His desire will
push him towards physical
*.
Zina
men will see the physiological
effects on them. For example, why do men
come with us with * addiction? They're suffering,
they're depressed
because their brain realigns it, rewires
in a certain way that it doesn't work
anymore.
They have
huge depression anxiety,
not just that of course performance is and
they're scared performance is affected.
They are scared, they're terrified. For a woman,
performance is not ex she's a receiver. She's
not it's not it's not affected.
So for women, it's even more dangerous. For
example, women who are falling into desires
is dangerous. If a woman goes beyond the
boundaries cannot control her desires, she gets usually
emotionally attached, which is much much heavier than
just the physical attachment.
You understand? So that's why sometimes in sharia,
we find that it's very heavy
on the controlling the desires the woman and
reminding her and the same with men but
it's not exactly
the same thing. But all of it is
done to protect the family. And the family
is the building block of the Ummah.
People shouldn't be upset. The Sahabi'at, the women
of the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam, they did
not say, You Rasool Allah, why are you
telling us this and that? They used to
say,
tell us more You Rasool Allah. Why is
that? Why do you say these things about
women in the ahadith that so many feminists
want to reject reject?
Why You Rasoolah? Not like, I don't like
this. This is chauvinistic.
This is this. This is that. No. They
had a different mindset. They wanted to know
how do I get to Jannah?
Not how I can reject the hadith.
The
the Jahwata Adil or Mustala Hal Hadith Sciences
are not revolved around,
you know, whatever modernist desires. Oh, I don't
agree with this. I don't think this hadith
is correct.
It's
all revealed.
And hadith is a form of wahi.
It's all revealed from Allah to protect us,
to help us, to protect us,
To help us to hold
our soul.
To control it.
Because if we let it loose, in
the to be so.
Indeed, it will order us to even look
around, brothers and sisters.
Look around at what is going on.
Brothers and sisters,
I work as a counselor.
I work in positive Islamic psychology.
Every day I take about 5 clients,
and I cannot I'm not kidding you. It's
mostly divorce,
* addiction,
Zena,
SSA, same * attraction is huge. Huge, huge,
huge problem with homosexuality and lesbianism.
Where is it coming from?
Why do you think homosexuality and lesbianism is
haram? Because it's possible.
It's possible.
Oh, it's but everyone can fall into it
except who fears Allah.
People think that, oh, you know, the the
story of Lut alaihis salam, for example.
Right? The story you think that the people
of Lut were like straight up homosexuals? No.
They're engaged in the act. How do you
think they were procreating? How do you think
they're a village of people and there were
women in that village? They were engaged in
the act. As Lut said, do you take
your shy desire on men other than women?
They're perverted to the sense.
You understand?
So if this is possible for everyone, that's
why Allah makes haram. Allah is not gonna
make something haram that is impossible.
Huge
problem in the Ummah in Muslim countries has
bled to the point that sometimes worse than
in in non Muslim countries.
I mean, I worked in Muslim countries,
including in the I'm not going to name
countries that are very, very holy
and subhanAllah
it's not just an isolated case, it's a
pandemic.
Full schools
of women and schools of men, you know,
because there's separation,
fall under this issue. Where is it coming
from? Is it just, oh, it's a trap.
No, it's because of desire.
Because there's no terbia for the soul to
be reacted, to be controlled,
to be tamed,
to, to direct the desire in the correct
way.
So as a council, I see these things
everyday. They're emotionally taxing. It's tough sometimes to
deal with some of these things. And you're
talking about the Muslims.
What about the non Muslims who are pretty
much leading the world? Who are setting the
pace for what we watch? Who are setting
the pace for Netflix? Man. Most people have
Netflix.
Most Muslims
who are,
you know, you can say have watched something
or on Netflix or Internet this and that
Exposed to things.
Every small exposure will hurt us. Every small
exposure will change something in us.
This is the truth,
this is true we all feel it we
all feel it as soon as we open
our phone.
So I see these things as a counselor
I see and I'm, you know, it's it's
worrisome
and look at the world around you who
is leading the world, what are they pushing
for? At least for us Muslims, we know
still
halal and haram even though the
limits are becoming a bit more blurry. This
is the reality.
Slowly slowly new people, new speakers are emerging
with qualifications.
Oh,
so and so, doctor so and so, person
so and so, sheikh so and so says
this.
It's okay. There's a there's an opinion there
And people are making it more and more
blurry.
Again, you don't understand it's an issue of
the nafs. It's the mo one of the
most dangerous things
to play with.
So
we have to be careful.
How do you protect your desire? How do
you tame your desire? How do you hold
your desire?
Islam gives us that solution.
Practicing Islam,
holding on to your salah.
Doing all the Ibadat that you have to
do. This is the beginning
of
taking care of your soul. This is the
beginning
of moving your soul in the
right as Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala tells us
in the Quran.
So
for the one who holds his protects his
soul from that that is basically just taking
him anywhere,
then to him will
be paradise.
Having said all that, right? So Islam gives
us the solution.
Praying, fasting, all that that we do with
intention, with sincerity,
right? In, in Nasalata, 10ha anilfahsha
iwalmunkar.
Indeed salah stops
from and from evil and bad deeds,
right? Just praying, just doing your salah properly
can help you to control your nafs.
Just waking up for fajr
can help you to set the pace in
your day. Praying Fajr and Isha is like
praying the whole night, waking up for tahajjud,
doing something that most people do not do
can help you to curb your nafs,
to give you that strength. If you can't
lift the blanket, how do you think you're
going to protect yourself?
When Yousaf alaihis salam was
tried to be seduced
by the wife of the Aziz,
Try to imagine, I mean I'm not don't
visualize but you know what I mean, right?
A very, very attractive woman.
A very,
very, very attractive man. I have no, you
know, issues with saying stuff like that because
that's what's known that Yousef alaihis salam was
one of the most beautiful men that ever
existed.
Okay?
Imagine,
right? I mean, he's just
perfect.
So that woman was also though very very
attractive.
And here you are in this situation.
In that situation where look at that
and
he proximity.
She starts falling for him. He was protecting
himself. He didn't fall for her. He was
a nabi of Allah
but look at what she done and what
she tried to do, right? All that
innocence is not there anymore because the desire
was just pushing her to the point that
she's ripping his clothes off from the back,
right? And not just that it doesn't stop
there to the point that she calls women
and when they see them, they see him,
I mean imagine now it's like you're surrounded
by a bunch of women. They're cutting their
fingers. Yes, indeed. That's how attracted they were
to him. And people might not feel comfortable
with that talk, but it's true.
That's how nuffs can push you too.
Don't think that oh men,
men, women, or women don't have desire. Oh,
men, whatever have desire. No. Both
are tested with the same fitna, with the
same issue.
It's just that some people are oblivious to
this thing.
But what did Youssef alaihis salam say?
He said,
said oh my lord,
jail is more beloved to me.
Interesting love, some of the Olay must say
that after the Aziz died, some say that
he married
this woman in halal
Aloha Adam. The authenticity is disputed.
But in the end,
when you give up something,
Allah will give you something better.
And this is my
one of probably the main points I talked
about.
Number 1, about how important it is to
have haya about this, not to fool around
when we talk about this, to be as
professional academic as possible on this, especially when
men and women are discussing this issue. Then
I said how important it is to talk
about this extremely,
extremely important because it's such a huge problem.
It is the connecting bond. It is the
glue. It is that spiritual love that Allah
Subhana Wa Ta'la has used as
an Ayah,
has used it as a a miracle
to show making love is a miracle and
the love, the energy creates life,
right? So it's extremely important. There's no taboo.
The prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam discussed it. The
prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam talked about his Sabbath.
He was asked questions about it. There is
no taboo here about it,
right? So we have to discuss. It is
ajab and yet it can be a punishment
if done in the wrong way. It is
a huge fitna today
on both men and women's side,
male and female. It's a huge fitna for
all of us. Huge cannot be stated,
you know, enough how big it is.
It is the fastest way to a person's
heart and also the fastest way to destroy
a soul.
It is definitely led spearheaded
this
movement of desire hedonistic movement is spearheaded by
the non Muslims.
And it is driven through the social media.
It is driven through
the,
Netflix,
your movies, your music, everything around
people. It's just, it takes one person in
a school of girls or boys to just
say look what I have on my phone,
check it out. It can be that first
exposure.
Pay attention for those who don't understand neuroscience
and psychology
or sexuality.
It is that first exposure
to something that can set the basis for
your fantasies
and your sexuality.
And again, I wanna say, and I know
people hate me for this sometimes, especially on
the woman's side.
Because the guy, he will look very visual.
Even the women are visual, but the guy
will try more physical. For the woman
is here.
The most evolved
sexual
organ you can say of a woman is
her brain. It's her mind.
And these people know. Look
evidence for this. Just you don't like it
what I say. I know. I understand.
Look around. Who are they targeting the most?
Where is the beauty industry?
Where is the purchasing power
in the world?
With the women, man.
Look, go to the mall.
Who's hypersexualized?
Women hypersexualize
each other.
Women
check out,
you name it. It's huge, and it's Target.
Every ad, everything they wanna sell from a
tire to a shampoo
has some beautiful woman on it trying to
and who buys these things. And yet the
entire men will buy no doubt, but even
women, but definitely everything of the cosmetics, the
fashion, everything.
Women, women, women, women for women.
It's women are targeted to be corrupted.
Men of course, men it's, I mean, let's
not even talk about men, right?
I'm I'm not trying to be impartial here,
but
the modern
society
is degenerating.
And how is it happening through the
desires,
especially
sexual intimate desires,
right? So that was my other point.
Then I said as for the solution that
Islam gives
is about targeting the soul through
prayer,
through,
following Islam,
through actual just just the basics of Islam,
just doing Islam
will protect you for just your salah will
protect you
from and curb your soul.
Right?
Just the the connection to the Quran, recitation
daily, attending the jama'ah,
all these things can help you to curb
your soul.
And last but not least,
you know, people come to me and they
say
brother
in my counseling sessions clients, brother,
you know, I wanna for example,
I wanna deal with my desires. I'm gonna
no fap for 1 year. I've been no
fapping for 1 year. And I'm like, okay,
good for you, mashallah.
Then I relapsed.
Now what happened man?
Man, you know, I'm back to square 1.
Why?
Because, you know, I felt weak. You know,
my desires, I know.
But I thought that I can hold myself
and purify myself.
Asceticism
is not the end solution. Yes, there's been
some
Sahaba,
few.
There's been some people
of the Tabaeen who are ascetic,
few who didn't marry for example,
who are very very just away from that
few.
But Sayyid Al Mursaleen, Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam,
he married and he said,
marriage is from my sunnah. Whoever goes against
my sunnah is not from me. Do you
understand what what this means?
He said it's not from me.
Whoever goes against my sunnah,
he didn't choose something else. If you look
throughout the Hadith of the prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam,
this
strict strict warning comes with Nikah.
Okay? There's Sunab Dhor for example, praying Dhor
mean, you're not allowed to not punish you
for leaving some, sometimes the. Sometimes you have
to go to work or whatever.
You just go into the masjid, pray or
wherever you're praying and you have to go
to meeting.
But specifically when it came to nikah, to
marriage,
the process was very, very strict then because
actually the solution
to our desires in the end is not
just holding them back, but actually releasing them
in halal.
Yes. Holding is important. There's always some
protection, some limits,
even within the ratio. But
the fasting,
the no fapping,
the
all these things that people have tried holding,
going on very spiritual
battles
and so on.
In the end,
they are just band aid solutions. They are
not long term solutions.
Because the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam,
he said when those sahabas
were fasting, he said I'm gonna fast and
I'll break my fast. I'm not gonna marry.
I'm gonna pray the whole night. Prophet
told them because the women, the woman was
complaining. My husband doesn't need for me.
When this hubba came to her house, saw
her so
not proper.
What's going on? Say my husband doesn't know,
but he don't. He doesn't have any need
for me, man. There's no need for me.
He came and told the process and look
what they're doing.
And he said, no, this is not from
me. I don't do these things.
I marry,
I
fast and break my fast
and I sleep and pray.
Whoever goes against this is not from me.
Understand? So the real way,
the
the correct
way to fully contain your desires
is to express your desires in a halal
way,
to get married,
to enjoy because you're getting actually rewarded.
So someone would think that, oh, you have
some monk type of philosophy now that Gabriel
Romani is gonna give us. You have to
go to some mountain and fast for like
2 years and no fap. A lot of
people have done all kinds of stuff. In
the end, they fall.
Why? Because it's not the sunnah of the
prophet sallallahu alaihi wasall.
Don't try to invent things.
In the end the best way to curb
your soul to to
contain and control your desires
is by releasing your desires in a halal
matter. And the
prophet did that and we have no shame.
I remember,
you know, this guy came to me one
time
and he was like, oh,
your prophet said that
has been made beloved to me from your
dunya women in perfume.
I said man, we're proud of that. In
fact, he's not like, you know, of course,
we're happy with that. What do you want
him to, you know? I mean, with the
wall, everything is going on today, man, you
know, we're very happy with that.
Like, what do you think? I'm gonna get
upset or something if the prophet loved women?
Of course, he loved women. I am,
man. You know, that's why I say even
today, subhanallah with today's,
parents come to me, brother,
my son
I think he likes a girl I'm like
Alhamdulillah
it's a girl
don't worry we can work with it inshallah
we'll fix it inshallah
You know what I
mean? So the best way
to control your desires
is through halal.
And within the halal, there's a lot that
can be done.
Now, I haven't listened to all the things,
but I do want to caution here people.
There's a limit
on everything and the prophet said al halalbayin
wal harambayin.
There's a limit. There's difference of opinions, certain
things, no doubt.
Don't push your own desires onto people.
Even if you find that there's a difference
of opinion on something. We have to remind
ourselves that.
I've seen now all these coaches coming up,
a lot of coaches coming up, a lot
of counselors coming up.
Everyone
qualifies to be a counselor, not everyone has
a TikTok, Instagram account, everyone is now somehow,
qualified and does coaching and counseling.
But I've seen a few people subhanAllah
I'm very sad to see
any, sorry Yani, talking about
all kinds of things that go
I would say they they will destroy
certain things within a husband and wife.
It will push them away from the limits.
And actually, after that, Allah'alim, what's what's gonna
happen?
And,
you know, it's sad because these people don't
have knowledge. I'm not trying to name people.
I'm not trying to shame anyone or anything
like that. They're open there about it, you
know. Sorry. I mean, your hijab doing all
you know, without shame and even with their
husbands in their pictures and in their videos
talking about, you know, self pleasuring and *
and all this stuff.
I'm sorry,
is this is if you think that this
is correct, you're totally wrong.
And for the men, if you allow your
women to go to that level
where shamelessly they promote these kind of toys
thinking that it spices up your desire in
your * life, you're destroying your fitra and
you're losing yourself and you're definitely losing your
manhood
if you allow your woman to
have such things.
We've lost our our leader. We've lost our
manhood actually.
If you think about what they're promoting,
what men can allow
for his wife
to,
sorry Annie, to engage with such toys.
Like where's your pride as a man? And
not just that, I'm not saying that you
shouldn't satisfy your wife,
but come on man,
Don't you have some, you know,
skill or some ability and some some shame
and some also some rojula?
I think this is beyond the limits.
Putting that aside though, husband and wife can
do so much.
It can be so much fun
to curb your desire
and your,
you know,
passion for each other in so many ways
within the limit. There's so much variation, there's
so many things
that a person can enjoy with his wife
and his wife with her husband,
in making love,
in taking their desires out in the halawi
it's not boring.
Islam is not just like, just you know
what they will call safulani, I don't want
to say use the word tradition in the
wrong way, that that's it, that you can
have no fun, you cannot spice up things
or something, no.
There's a lot that can be done, but
there's always limits.
Understand
that there's always limits. And again, being a
counselor,
you find that it starts with one thing,
second thing, and then from there you've gone
past the limits. And you're like, man, I
didn't, you know, I thought that maybe if
I I thought, yeah, because your desire was
pushing you,
and you thought that and then it pushed
you past the limit.
So limits are all there. That doesn't mean
you cannot have fun. Don't, don't think again,
there'll be that
understanding, oh, Islam is so boring.
There's no spice up.
Definitely,
you look around, everyone's supposedly having a lot
of fun when it comes to intimacy.
Everyone's enjoying it, everyone's rubbing your face, oh,
it's so good, this is good, that
the movies are all hyped up, of course,
don't think
the movies, people watch movies like, oh my
God, start fantasy. I know I wish I
would have such a love life like that.
You're kidding me? This is all cut action.
Hello. Light this way, light that way.
That's how it works.
Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
The person
needs to understand
that they make it in such a way.
They make it in such a way that
it does bring and arouse desire into you.
The lights, the ambiance, the music, the way
they're doing things and people like, oh man,
it's so nice
because it works here.
But what if you're not to actually do
that, you probably feel something totally different.
But then people start thinking and they start
comparing and they say, oh my God, my
life is so boring. Then what happens after
they wanna spice it up
and it becomes something totally, totally different because
they cross the limits.
Yes, have fun. Yes, there's a lot that
can be done but know the limits.
There's a lot I will repeat that can
be done to express your desires
and your attraction towards your wife and your
wife towards you.
So
controlling your desires,
yes, even within marriage, yes, there's of course
there's limits, but one of the best ways
to control your desires is to express
your desires
in
a halal
matter.
Having said that,
this is basically what I want to share
with you today.
If anything good came out of that that's
from Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. If anything wrong
this is from my mistakes,
and if there are any questions or anything
that we want to add or comment,
feel free. Inshallah, I'm ready to take to
take it on.
Brother.
For that really important reminder.
There are
a ton of questions in the chat. So
if you could address as many of them
as possible, we would be very grateful. But
those are questions that came in from people
who signed up for the conference.
And most of them, I think, are, you
know, suitable for you to answer in this,
conversation. Insha Allah. So if you could answer
as many of them as possible, I know
that the viewers will be very appreciative.
Okay.
So first question is, what's your advice from
men who have more desire than their wives
and wives who desires more than their husbands?
Okay. That's a very, very good question. I
finally just had
with a great chef
a couple of days ago about this. Should
this be part of the
wedding?
Is this appropriate for someone who might have
desire? Especially, for example, they've been married before
because it becomes a fitna. Wallahi,
it's a huge fitna from the cases that
I take where how many women will come
and be like my husband just it's not
there. I mean, I have a lot of
desire, he can't do it. And I'm suffering
and I am basically,
my mind now starts shifting. Shaytan is playing
with it. Of course the typical answer will
be, you know, and if you're Allah, fast,
be careful, have taqwa, of course. And this
is what we should do, right? I always
say Islam teaches us what we should do
and then what happens if we cannot do?
So it is a very sensitive question
because it can go on both sides.
Sometimes the man has more desire for the
man. There's an avenue
that is he can marry again.
If he has more desire, his wife cannot
meet his needs.
Sadly, men go to haram.
Okay? Sorry, And I'm just gonna be straight
for massage parlors, prostitution,
escorts, *, definitely *. Even if not gonna
go all the way to commit Zina, most
men will be engaged in *. I mean,
I don't know if, you know, people have
not been touched by this.
This is what it is, but men have
men have at least halal way. They can
marry
your brother, but, but, but, but, but what?
But what? Who who
who matters more? Allah or or what the
people say?
Because in the end, you know, people are
gonna still do it and sadly, I mean
there's some women stuff and some cultures will
say, I don't care if my husband watches
*, I don't care if my husband even
goes to a prostitute
once in a while, I don't want any
of this marriage stuff. I mean, I've heard
it from people's mouths, not one. I've heard
it where women would say it's okay if
my wife wants, and I mean, if my
husband once in a while has this thing
here and there, you know, at the massage
parlor or whatever. Are you kidding me? Are
you joking?
Right? So it's a huge problem. So for
the men, there's no excuse. I'm sorry. There's
just no excuse. Let me be very straightforward
about that.
You have no
excuse
to go into haram
because you have an avenue. Allah is giving
you an avenue because yes, indeed men
are about frequency mostly, usually. A lot of
desire, a lot of frequency, and sometimes women
cannot. And that's why polygyny is a is
a solution. I've always said that. Done properly,
correctly is a solution. Allah doesn't leave us
unaddressed here.
So for men, there's just no excuse, Danny.
We're just sinping out if we're just messing
about and disobeying Allah
that is clear.
When it comes to women,
it's a problem
because for women, it's more about the quality.
Not necessarily, it's about the sometimes the quantity,
no doubt. No doubt. No no doubt that
women can have more quantity,
than men. I mean, it's just it's their
receivers.
That's, you know, again, people probably are oblivious
to this to the makeup, the psychology, and
sexuality of the woman because it's been
covered
and shamed and
shaded by Judeo Christian tradition,
okay?
With with with, everything, where women are just,
no, I mean, for God's sake, the female
* was a myth, was a myth.
The female soul actually was a myth, if
you want to think about it in the,
you know, in the Catholic church for many
centuries. So forget about about the female *,
the female soul was disputed whether women actually
have a soul. Putting that aside,
for anyone who understands female psychology and sexuality,
yes women have desire a lot of desire
as well, sometimes more than men. So what
does a woman do? Because she cannot she
doesn't have and she can't just go marry
another husband,
You know, there's just no way. That's it.
So actually, believe it or not, a lot
of the ulama have been dealing with this
case. A lot of the fuqaha and the
qadis have been dealing with some of these
cases.
And in some
obviously communication is very important.
1st and foremost,
between a couple,
they have to talk, they have to express
women sometimes they fear and rightly so because
there'll be shame.
One of the worst thing a man can
do
is to shame his wife for her desires
as long as she doesn't commit sin or
just to talk about how she feels, but
most men cannot handle that. Most men are
not mature enough to have that conversation, they
get insecure,
they run with their, you know, like the
tail between their legs. I mean, it's okay
for a man to be like, oh, I
have desire, oh, I have a lot of
things. When a woman will say that because
obviously a woman is expected to have more
hair, but the thing is
if if a couple understand each other, they
love each other, they have a good communication,
it should be safe for a woman to
express her emotions or feelings.
Right?
There's there's of course limits to everything, but
if a couple reaches that comfort level
and they can communicate, it's better than just
holding it back. Yeah, you can fast and
for some it it really works.
Yes, you can pray and make dua and
for some it actually
that's the best thing you can do, right?
To hold your nafs and to wait for
Jannah. But for some it doesn't work.
First, and it happened during the time of
the process and there was cases where women
have complained to the process
about not being satisfied by their husbands. I
know one very specific case.
Okay? And the woman was very harsh in
what she said,
okay?
So here we see the prophet receiving
some of these questions and complaints.
And
to be honest, as I said like the
Fuqaha, they deal with these cases. So yes,
if the woman can help herself to fast
to this and that, it's good. But if
the woman can communicate
and I would say
personally
what I know from what I've studied
and dealing with the cases
and talking with so many professionals,
I think that if communication is open
and there's no shaming,
it's a huge one. It's a huge one.
It goes on both sides. Women will shame
men as well,
but I think women are just sometimes, like,
they know, okay, guys just have desire, that's
like, it's they're polygynous,
right? A woman can handle it much easier
for the guy. He gets very insecure. He
just gets very confused, very doubtful and so
on. But communicating the if the man is
mature,
he has confidence
and he can have that discussion. He can
learn about his wife's desires and please her.
It's not that difficult guys, actually it's not.
It is complex.
I would say it is complex, a very
complex mechanism.
No doubt. I mean SubhanAllah.
It's not that difficult.
It's not that difficult. If you just listen
because, hey, they know best what they want.
Trust me, they do.
Trust me. Okay?
I'm not gonna be I mean, you know,
to talk about, you know, female sexuality and
and and you know what what women want.
It's another lecture.
But all you have to do is ask
her, man. Have the the the humbleness
to to learn.
Don't think that just because you watch some
* videos all of a sudden you know
what to do,
right? It's not, and don't think that all
women are the same. Not all women like.
By the way again, that filth is just
staged.
Don't think you can just perform because you've
learned you've been watching it for 10 years,
you know, as as a as an as
a teenager.
It's not like that. Yes. Most men think
like that and they traumatize
sometimes the woman on her on their wedding
night.
And it sets the pace, it pushes people
apart, it destroys the marriage from the beginning.
A lot of the problems we have in
marriages
are linked to intimacy.
Okay? What I see from our cases anyway
and from many other professionals that I talked
to.
So the man has the maturity,
the mindset.
Okay? He's not
weak and scared. Oh my god, all of
a sudden I'm insecure
and can listen to his wife. She can
tell him some of the things that,
that she likes and that will please her
and their intimate life can become much much
much better. Again, complex system and mechanism,
very complex, panallah,
yet not difficult
to do. You just have to have the
confidence
and the ability to learn and to understand
and remember you're a kawan
and that's why even some of the
would say stuff like
because you're a kawam,
even that you have to provide. Now it's
not just about
a roof over a woman's head and the
clothes and food.
It's that you have to also provide that
satisfaction because for a woman,
people think again, oh brother, I think you're
wrong. No, intimacy is probably one of the
most important things.
Okay? It's a way that manic, for men
as well, the way they express their love,
but I think for women it goes beyond
sometimes just the actual act.
It is very important,
the connection
and so on, and it there's a specific
way that she connects.
It's not just one way. For men, it's
a bit easier.
Not all men,
not all men are just that easy to
connect,
but for men it's a bit easier. It's
much easier to satisfy a man.
But for a woman, she doesn't men think
that it's just I'm gonna perform this act.
I'm so, you know, good. I'm just wow,
look at me. I'm muscular. I'm look good.
This and that. That's it. No. It doesn't
work like that.
It goes beyond that. It works on an
emotional level for a woman and more it
works here. It starts from here.
Everything, the connection has to be there for
her to fully, fully
engage. And if you don't ask and bother
to understand, she probably won't tell you because
she doesn't wanna shame you, doesn't want to
make you feel guilty, she's probably gonna
close down. And I tell you, mark my
words, you have 1 or 2 chances never
gonna open up to you again. If you
shame her or
you make her feel like, oh my
never gonna open up to you again. If
you shame her or you make her feel
like oh my god, he's gonna judge me
or he's gonna think I'm a bad woman
or an easy woman or so, You're done.
You're never gonna get in there. And again,
trust me, man, you're never gonna get in
there again. And you're gonna live a life
just wondering what the heck she's thinking, oh,
what's going on?
And she's not gonna tell you not satisfied
till 10, 15, 20 years maybe and the
marriage is falling apart, then they come to
us for counseling and say,
well, you know, we're suffering, we hate each
other, we haven't slept in the same bed
for 15 years.
Okay? Some since they consummated marriage, they haven't
slept in the same bed
and you ask them, so what's going on?
What's in what's how's intimacy? What's happening? Should
this non existent? Why? Then you get to
uncover all the problems.
So
this is very important and last but not
least, subhanAllah,
some of the have dealt with
with cases as such,
and
as I said,
a man is responsible for that as well
like you have. Now of course some women
are just
it's a different story,
it's not just black and white like that
just cut clear but definitely definitely can be
worked with the way I said inshallah.
How do I deal with the husband who's
a good man provider
but there's no intimacy,
emotionally or physically.
You have to define what is a what's
a good man.
Right? I think that's sometimes the problem that
women are not attracted to very good men.
It's, I mean, I think what means today
in a good sense good man
is that he's just very
agreeable and he's just and yes, ma'am, nice
guy, you know, mister nice guy. Women,
I mean, they want a man who has
good values,
good morals, but they want a strong man.
And they don't want a toxic man who's
a bad man. They want a strongness difference.
Again, people, you know, you have red toe
movement talking about men,
right? Then you have like
this neo
feminist movement was talking about guys should be
more feminine and more in touch with their
femininity,
and I don't know, go do ballet or
something like that. It's wrong. You need a
strong man, but a man who has values,
a man who has a mission, a man
who has morals, ethics, with peers, Allah swan,
but at the same time
he knows what he wants. He's assertive
and strong strength in a man actually is
his ability to be strong is linked to
his intimacy,
his testosterone level. If he's a guy who's
stuck in traffic every day 2, 3 hours,
who has a belly and has lost his
most of his hair by, you know, mid
thirties or before that, definitely is not going
to be an intimate person. They don't have
the ability, You know, sadly, what can you
do is truth.
The whole system works against man is meant
to emasculate men from the education, like sitting
on a chair for too long.
It destroys a man. There's no active learning.
Women do much better.
It's much easier for men. It's just the
way they're created. It can be more sedimentary.
I'm not saying I'm not insulting you
sisters. It's just the truth.
Men, they want to jump. I mean, I
was a grade school teacher many, many years
ago
and I couldn't keep my those kids, man,
those little
buggers, they couldn't, you know, just sit in
one and I realized, I said, looking at
the psychology can't, they're just, they have too
much energy.
So I would every 10:15 minutes would just
pull the tables and just fight or play
soccer or football whatever in the class and
make noise and principal would come and you
know get me in trouble and put the
desk together and teach another 10, 15 minutes
and then again we go and play football
and they would learn guess what they would
learn
Right? The food that we eat is is
emasculating us. The lifestyle is emasculating us. Most
guys don't have time to do anything.
Most guys
spend too much time around women. They don't
have a brotherhood. What
support do men turn to? Where do men
do manly things?
And then women wonder why they're not wanna
do intimacy because they don't have the ability.
It's it's it's dying out.
There's no testosterone. There's no the hormones are
messed up.
Maestro, I mean, mechanism doesn't work. It's the
reality.
A man, when he, for example, man, just
go and spend 1 month
training at least 3 times a week lifting
heavy
and fighting with another man, just jujitsu, punch
him, whatever, you know? Okay, I'm not talking
about face or whatever. I know people are
sensitive.
Just just do it and tell me you're
not gonna want to be intimate with your
wife, man, you're gonna feel like like like
an animal.
You know what I mean? It's just true.
It's linked a man's strength and power.
His even aggressiveness that needs to be controlled
is linked to his performance and his libido
and his strength when it comes to bed.
100%.
But again, men are and you know, women
think, stay more time with me, don't go
with your friends, don't go here. They think
it's better for them. Oh, I don't know
why my husband, it's not bad for a
good for it, it's bad for you actually,
it's very bad, he needs to go do
manly things, they've done it for 1000 of
years, men have done manly things.
The Sahaba used to rush back home.
They used to rush and the prophet said,
send messengers, tell the women that the men
are coming. Also, you men send messengers.
What are messengers? Words and kisses. See the
prophet said in the messenger of Allah, he
knows words.
Women like to hear things,
Okay?
Women like to hear things. Word *.
It is what it is. Okay? These are
the and kisses,
foreplay.
The prophet knew that he knows he's the
messenger of Allah. He's he's been, you know,
sent by the one who created women.
You know what I'm saying?
So it's very important.
The Sahabas were coming. You think man, these
guys were beasts.
You know, people came from war.
This is a we cannot compare the the
testosterone levels of of some of the sahabas
with what we have today. I don't care
how you look and muscles and this and
that and blah blah blah. In the end,
it's
it's here.
All right? And you can do something about
it. That's the thing. That's the good thing.
So if you sister, this is a,
this is a question probably from a sister
and get your out there, get your husband
a gym membership, get your husband a martial
arts membership.
Let him go do a cryotherapy.
Go, you know, 4 degrees cold water for
10 minutes,
2, 3 times a week. See what happens.
Give him some vitamins. Okay.
Buy from Iherb.com.
Okay. Tongkat Ali, 400 milligrams, Freeze up testosterone.
I've discovered this herb in in Malaysia, in
my time in Malaysia.
The locals were using,
who doctor Huberman talks about
this in Huberman lab he's a neuroscientist
400 milligrams per day Tongkat Ali this works
wonders for men's panel I recommended 100%.
And other things if people need to talk
they can, get to me I'll I'll advise
them what they take. Vitamins, vitamin c, vitamin
d on a daily basis. Now 1,000 milligrams
of vitamin c should take about 4 to
5000, even 7000 sometimes. People play around, they
don't understand their intake. Forget about these,
whatever. People People are taking all kinds of
weird stuff today, you know, from the stores
and thinking they're bulking up. It's all fake.
All these guys with their big muscles in
the gyms, it's all fake. A lot of
it, not all of it. My brother who
passed away,
okay, at 39, he was a,
a fitness trainer for Gold's Gym, one of
the greatest gyms, biggest gyms.
And he was telling me, Gabriel, all these
guys are juicing up man, don't think that
their muscles are just like that. You want
to really build muscle, you gotta work really
hard man.
It's not just like that. All these guys,
they're just juicing up and he himself,
may Allah forgive me for not,
being able to to guide him to
but he himself passed at 39 because he
was juicing.
He was doing steroids
because men are insecure. They wanna have big
muscles. They wanna bump all these guys appearing
on Instagram,
flexing all the time and this and that,
it's it's a, you know, you don't know
what's going on behind, I've seen it,
but there are things you can do as
a man,
okay? There's things you can do as a
man
to change that, and the wives just sometimes
have to just say hey look I've heard
this lecture, I think it's important. But again,
see communication, right? Women are scared to communicate
because the guy is gonna be like oh
you're a bad woman now, you know, if
you're you're telling me to to lose some
weight or look better,
and I think this is not good. And
that's why I work with men a lot,
you know, women don't like me, They they
just say, oh this guy's always hating on
women, he's talking about women.
No, I talk about men. I tell men
to man up and then women to when
it's when it's fair
to talk to women, I talk to women.
When it's fair to talk to men, I
talk to men, both sides are not happy.
Well, it doesn't matter. I don't care. It's
not a big deal, but just listen at
least pay attention to what I say, consider
it, it might help you, I don't know.
No,
is * impermissible for women?
Not with *.
What is the proof? What are the negative
effects of those who are not married?
What if this is your alternative to ZYNEP?
Okay.
There's a there's a question right there.
So, yes, * is impermissible.
And the proof for that is the prophet
said that some people come on their judgment
with their hands pregnant.
So that is one of the hadith,
okay? People can dispute and some of the
scholars have
discussed,
but look in the end,
it is,
hadith is there.
Also said the zina of the hand, the
zina of the eye, the zina of the
hand, the zina of the eye, okay?
And of course, not even too much people
don't even use their hands anymore like it
goes into as I saw I told you
women are talking about all kinds of stuff
and it's shameful because these hijabi women
who are on these instagram accounts claiming that
their counselors and sexual therapists telling women how
to lose their own virginity and preparing for
marriage supposedly
And
and please please please for god's sake sisters
stay away from that please for god's sake.
There's a reason why Allah created you the
way you are there's a reason reason why
it's called consummation of marriage yes even the
pain and problems and this and that there's
a reason
Let's work on the night of marriage as
opposed to and losing your virginity before your
your marriage because of these sister counselors.
Please be careful for God's sake. So it
is impermissible not with *.
Yeah of course obviously * is haram,
That's the proof.
This,
I don't know why my camera is acting
up. I'm doing today.
What are negative
effects for women
anyway?
Is is there a bit I think they're
deeper
because
the woman
creates images in her mind more than men.
Women can construct
certain fantasies
much more complex than men.
And once she gets married,
it it affects the dopamine
threshold.
It will push it much higher.
So her husband will have a very hard
time to satisfy her and she's gonna probably
have to think about these things that she's
seen and I've we've dealt with clients like
that who are basically not able to enjoy
intimacy anymore because they were, especially see with
the guys, they'll have either erectile dysfunction
or performance anxiety
or premature *.
So then they get scared from * and
* like man, you know, we need to
fix this because I don't want to be
ashamed
on my marriage
night. For women, there's no
physiological
immediate
evidence that something is wrong.
And another proof is that the brain changes
is the genres of * that women watch
or the things, let's say, even they don't
watch, let's say, that they just think about
stuff because you can't just I mean, if
you look at female psychology and the sexuality
is, it doesn't work even if they're not
watching something, they're thinking of something. That's that's
almost 100%
sure.
It can be many, many weird things. I'm
not gonna get into it. Okay? There's a
lot of studies on this,
but that is the reality.
So what happens is even if you're not
watching your thinking,
your brain cannot
process
that information anymore. It needs to push something
more. So you're gonna have to think about
something else or it becomes more advanced.
What happens is when you actually get married
and you have intimacy, you're not going to
be able to actually climax. It's going to
be very difficult.
It's going to be very, very difficult. So
it can really have a huge effect on
a woman. Again, women, there's no noticeable
problem right away. So that's why a lot
of times it's even more dangerous for women
because they don't actually notice, hey, I don't
there's no problem.
I don't I don't have an issue. I
can just keep going,
and
I can go into obviously more,
information about this.
But if it's the only alternative to ZYN,
I mean,
like
like see, this is a very tricky question,
like, the lesser of 2 evils,
right? If a person really feels like, okay,
someone is like you're so close to committing
zenith,
very very close,
then it is obviously it's a sin but
it is the lesser of 2 evils, no
doubt about it. But you see a lot
of times when people ask this question, it's
almost like a trick question so they can
justify to themselves to continue
what they are because only you know if
you're really really close to dinner,
okay? Only you know.
So this is definitely
but it is an alternative
or a lesser of 2 two evils
when it comes to,
definitely to zira.
Is it premise for a man to physically
force his wife to have
*?
Why would he force his wife to have
*?
Like, that's that's you know, I know people
talk about this whole called * and *
and even some brothers have commented on this.
Why would you even reach to that point?
Like why would you reach the point we
have to force your wife? There's there's a
huge problem there.
There's huge problems. Come see me please if
you have that issue.
His spouse is kissing with tongues permissible. Very
much permissible. It's very nice to
to actually
do that.
Permissible, yes.
Is it advice to bring your wife to
climax first?
Is there any advice? Islamic class. Yes. It
is advice to bring your wife to climax
first,
if possible.
And one of the evidence that's used
is give more than what you receive basically
or do.
Right?
So and of course, it's known that it
takes more time and you know so yeah
that is something that it is
it is advisable,
to do that.
For Okay. Your very comprehensive
answers.
Very, very useful for everybody who's been listening
in.
I think it will, you know, really illuminate
certain things for,
the people who sent these in and also
everybody watching. So
for taking the time for that. We have
our next speaker on. I just thought I
would bring him on now inshallah because,
you have many ideas in common.
So baba ali is our next speaker guys.
So I thought I'd bring him on here
really quickly
just to give salaam to his brother
before he goes off, and then, Baba Ali
takes over. And he's got some big some
big, big stuff for the brothers. This is
mainly going to be for the brothers this
next
talk. So, Baba Ali, if you're good with
your, video, you can come on.
How are you guys doing?
How are you doing, Jabal? How are you?
How are you doing? What's going on? Nice
to see you again. Nice to see you.
So I'm really excited to have, the 2
of you on the screen at the same
time on our channel.
I've had 2 very, very good conversations with
you for the marriage conversation, and I know
they won't be the last, but you.
But,
I think, brother Gabriel, you have done an
amazing job. May Allah bless you. Could you
just let, everyone know where they can find
you? And how can you help anybody who
has more questions?
Okay. So you can check just Gabriel Romani.
Google it. You'll find my Instagram or you'll
find my, YouTube channel, but mostly Instagram.
And, also,
if you, yeah, if you just type out
Romani, you'll find our counseling,
links on our YouTube videos,
and we have a great team. There's female
counselors as well, male counselors,
combined experience of, you know, over a 100
years, Masha'Allah,
in in counseling and psychology.
So anyone needs
pretty much any help from anxiety to depression
to
intimacy issues, pre marriage, post marriage counseling,
anything inshallah, even fatawas and issues of deen
and silk,
finances,
fitness, alhamdulillah we cover
all the parenting education.
So you can find me just just search
my name, Gabriel Arumani, you'll find my YouTube
videos. You'll find my Instagram. And in the
descriptions, all the links are there for all
our services inshallah.
Guys, you heard it here first. So please
do go over there if you would like
to be in touch with brother Gabriel, Insha'Allah.
Do have a listen also to the marriage
conversation episode in which we had a very
interesting conversation about masculinity and the seerah and
a ton of other things. Brother JazakAllah Khayron,
I'm gonna hand over now inshallah
to our brother, Baba Ali, who is here
really to spill the tea
for all the brothers out there inshallah
about how what are you gonna be telling
us, brother? But I don't even wanna spoil
the surprise because this was your idea. You
wanted to come and give the brothers and
put them on game. So So I wanna
give you the floor inshallah. Let people know
who you are,
why you're on this platform, and what you're
gonna be talking about with them today inshallah.
Alright.
So my name is Baba Ali.
For some of you guys know me from
the guys that started the whole YouTube series,
reminder series
back in 2006, and then other people know
me from the children videos. And many people
know me for my half our game project.
Over 2,600
people have found the other half.
And been running this project for about 12
years now. And for the last 10 years,
we've been doing live events. We're bringing Muslims
together
to help people meet each other and in
a natural way. No speed dating, none of
that nonsense while staying within the halal boundaries.
It's been quite successful. Our last event in
Toronto, we had 57%
of the attendees found the match. This is
unheard of. We do things differently. So I
I've been trying to tackle issues that we
have within the Muslim community in a different
way, and,
our success happens to be very different than
everybody else. So I encourage you to try
to explore the different things that are out
there, again, staying within the halal boundaries
and see that if whatever may not be
working for you now, maybe there's a better
way to doing it. So one of the
most common things we get asked,
that comes up quite a bit, not necessarily
for through half our day, but maybe through
just general conversation is,
how do I get more intimacy?
And this is a $1,000,000 question. Like, why
do men do what they do? Why do
they build these empires? Why do they work
so hard? Why do they do all this
stuff? What is their main main motivation?
Their main motivation
is the opposite gender,
pulling in the opposite gender. This is why
men do what they do. They're inspired to
do what they do. And if there was
no females in this world, you'll see a
bunch of men doing this.
But there are many men that are not
doing this.
They're doing this. Like, they're actually working and
doing all this stuff because they know men
who do nothing and sit there and are
not ambitious and do not work hard and
do not get educated and do not make
the income, they are not likely to get
the type of wife that they want to
get married or even get married at all.
But those who happen to be more successful
happen to attract
better women and quality sisters, and, naturally,
statistics show they are all chasing
10% of the brothers. And who are those
10 percent?
Those are the ones who happen to be
more successful. Now once these brothers and sisters
all get made and everything is going well,
and then some things don't go well,
and people start having issues and challenges and
things you don't hear about. In fact, we
never hear a quick buzz about intimacy
even though in Islam, all of the stuff
was clearly given.
The this is not something that we, as
Muslims, should shy away from. This is something
we should be sharing and learning from each
other, obviously, not obviously, the details they're not
supposed to talk about, but
as far as what our deen says we
should be looking into. But, unfortunately, because we've
lived within Christian countries,
and those Christian countries naturally have an influence
even among the Muslims that live among them,
people have now Muslims look at this type
of things about intimacy in a very shy
not shy, but in a shameful way. Like,
it's as that the Christians look at it
as more of a sin, but as Muslims,
it is not a sin. In fact, you
get rewarded when you do it correctly.
But the problem is because we don't really
look into it very much and understand
how the opposite gender functions and what makes
them happy and what's making pretend, there's a
lot of problems within our bedrooms.
And many people have
don't know what to do. There's frustration.
Many men who are now all suddenly into
marrying a second and third and fourth wife,
you're saying, this brother probably has a lot
of ambition to provide.
Yeah. He can't afford the first wife. So
where is his motivation coming from? He wants
to work twice as hard, three times as
hard? No.
There's a lack of intimacy,
and then he doesn't know what to do.
So he says, well, if I'm getting this
once a week from this person, if I
marry the second one, maybe I get twice
a week.
Yeah. Good luck on that. It doesn't work
that way. So I want you guys to
think about this. I'm gonna talk about different
analogies so you guys can kinda, like, visualize
a little bit makes a little bit more
sense. And I'm gonna try to explain how
men see things and how women see things
so, inshallah, it makes a little bit more
sense on both sides so we can understand
each other. Because when you understand each other,
you're more likely to reach the goal that
you want to get to. But if you
keep trying to do things with your way
and your way is just the stuff you
see, you're not gonna get very far. Because
if you're done if you're if it's working
for you right now, then why are you
working this video?
So I was gonna say, okay. Who is
this is breaking down from the very, very
beginning and talk about how we're very, very
different from each other. And let's do a
quick job analogy before we we'll go ahead.
Alright. So let's talk about second, 3rd, 4th
what 4th life, and you're not realizing what
other
requirements is involved. It's not just intimacy. There's
all the other things or pieces into it.
I want you to think about it this
way.
Basically, let's just say you have a job,
and your job is great job. It's an
amazing job. But if you just look at
your paycheck and you're like, every
so every 2 weeks or so, they give
you a check. That's all the hard work
you do. And you look at it and
you're like,
excuse me, sir. I said, yes.
Why is this number so low? I I
I think there's, like, a 0 that's missing.
And they're like, oh, no. Let me check
that. And they check it and say,
that's correct. And they get back to you
like, oh,
okay.
And they're like, what happened?
Well, I think I should be get paid
more, and I'm not getting paid more. So
now you have 2 options.
You can, a,
go talk to that employer,
see what you can do to get more
money, work for a raise, and stuff like
that, or b, you can go get another
job that pays the same, work twice as
hard, and just get 2 paychecks.
Obviously, the most people will choose the first
one. Why would I go be a second
job and be like I lose more time
and other things? Well, then they work with
the first one to see what's going on.
But what most Muslims
do, they go and get a second job.
Without telling the first job, I said, I
got a second job. But you know what
I'm talking about.
First of all, they start making second job
jokes with their first job. Hey, boss.
What do you think about me if I
if I got a a second job? And
the boss said, well, I don't really like
that idea. Well, why would you get a
second job when you're already working here? Well,
I don't know. Yeah. Just joking.
But if you if you're not, if you're
not, offended I'm not joking. But if you're
offended, I'm joking.
And the boss, like, yo, why are you
acting weird? And his boss never laughed at
these 2nd job jokes. So what happens is
that you start getting these people the boss
certainly get jealous and concerned and worried about
what are you talking about in these games
that you're playing and blah blah blah because
you can barely work here. Like, you're not
even working here very well. You don't get
a second job.
So or you go back to the first
day. What am I doing wrong? What can
I do better here that will give me
more pay?
Because there's oftentimes
if there if you can do stuff that's
better for your employer and, obviously, your wife
is not your employer, but you knew I'm
using an analogy. But in this situation, you're
more likely to get paid more.
And this is the angle that most people
to look at. So what's going on? What's
wrong? Well, the first thing I do is
understand how an employer thinks versus how an
employee thinks. Right? Again, we're using a job
analogy, but we're gonna talk about intimacy. So
the little kids are sitting in the room.
They're walking around. Mama, Bubba, what is Bubba
Ali talking about? Something about jobs, kids. Don't
worry about it. Just keep playing with your
toys. Okay. So going back to this again,
let's talk about how each side looks at
intimacy. Alright? So let's just imagine this. Imagine
a cup of water. By the way, when
we learn this stuff, it'll help you a
lot when it comes to,
dealing with the opposite gender when you're coming
with your wife or with your husband trying
to get them to come to the world
that you're trying to see the world in
your lenses,
So this imagine 2 cups of water. Alright?
When the cups of water are full,
your spouse,
male or female,
would want
to be intimate.
All you have to do is fill up
the cup.
So the first question you're asking me, Bob
Ali, how do I fill up the cup?
Easy. For the men, guys, you know your
cup is like a faucet. It's turned on.
It's just just just just some people's it's
fast.
It's going it's only like
it's like a swelling. Right? So that processing
that cup is being full. Right? As the
cup gets full, now you are hungry,
and you have that urge of intimacy
and the craving for intimacy and just and
then that's it. Right?
And that's easy. For sisters, oh, how do
I get my brother my husband to be
more intimate and stuff? It's much easier for
the sisters to get the the men versus
the vice versa even though both sides sometimes
have issues. But generally generally,
it's easier because men have that faucet open.
And for sisters, let me take my house
for men at work. It works very similar
to the hunger, like you normally get hungry.
Right? And as soon as you you're like
imagine during Ramadan, and you're getting, like
the whole day, you haven't eaten food, and
all you can think about is food.
And you're thinking about food everywhere. Everything
starts smelling like food. And throughout today, you
probably haven't smelled too much food. But if
this was during Ramadan and you haven't eaten
the whole day, you're, like, someone's making chicken
with biryani and
potatoes? I smell potatoes. How do you smell
this? You're downstairs. And then because you start
becoming very sensitive to these things and that
naturally when all these people who are fasting
because they can't get paid,
They start it's more difficult because these urges
are everywhere, and all of those advertisements and
the over sexualization of society makes it even
10 times more difficult. So they're even more
stronger to hold this stuff back, and it
it takes a lot. It takes a lot
of strength to push back these urges, especially
when you're constantly
shown food on commercials, on television, everything.
And when it comes to a star time,
there is no star time.
So you don't know when it's not a
good deal. Right? So you naturally think, oh,
man. When I eat, I can eat, like,
an entire cow. I can eat 10 chickens.
I can eat all these different things. And
then once you're served your plate of food,
you eat, like, half of it, and you're,
like,
on full.
Just like Ramadan, your stomach shrinks. You think
you can marry 4 wives.
You're not really thinking about it that, hey.
It's not everyone can do the same thing.
Take certain amount of strength, discipline, responsibility,
other things, but but now you have to
think to yourself, what do I crave? You
think your craving is more than you actually
is. So when you're getting married,
your wife is not functioning the same way.
So this water keeps dripping, dripping, dripping, and
it gets full. And as soon as the
water tips over, which is your satisfaction of
intimacy, stuff like that, you know, brothers, you
are not ready in the next second to
go back to intimacy again. You think you
will, but as soon as it happens, you're
resetting and now you need you're okay for
a while. Like, all the urges are out
and now you're the water starts dripping again.
Some people, as I said, are faster than
other others. Right? But every single time you
need this, and since this is how men
think, it's the same way just but you
ate yesterday,
but you ate last week, boy, everything I
wanna eat. That's how men think. Right? So
they're they keep thinking about their next meal.
Right? Now
on the flip side, brothers, let me explain
how sisters work.
And this this cup that I gave for
the brothers is nailed down
to the to the shelf.
It doesn't tip over very easily at all.
There's not much that you can
do. If you get the man angry, your
husband angry, he'll still be intimate with you.
If you had a bad day, he'll still
be intimate with you. If you had he'll
still be intimate with you. Why? Because, oh,
I've been I haven't eaten the whole day,
and I had a bad day. You think
he's not gonna eat dinner? Of course, he
wants to eat dinner. He doesn't enjoy it
as much, but he he still wants to
eat dinner. Now for sis brothers let me
explain how sisters work.
They have a cup as well,
but their cup is not like our cup.
It's not nailed down to the shelf.
This cup
drips
and is at a much slower rate than
yours does.
They still have a natural urge, but not
they don't have testosterone in their body, not
at the percentage as men do. Men have
90% more testosterone than a woman does. Right?
Now, again, we're not talking about all men
or all women. There's some women that have
more higher libido than men do. But as
women, the this thing is dripping, but it
has slower rate. But there's other things that
you do that makes all this water start
dripping. Like what? When you love her, when
you are kind to her, when you flirt
with your wife, keyword wife, when you are
showing,
acts of, like, the love language is different
depending on who your wife is and what
type of love language she understands. When you
do things that makes her feel loved and
cared
for and makes her feel beautiful and amazing,
that's something it's like it's like taking water
and you're stripping it in and taking it
in, and I can get bucket and you're
filling it up, filling it in. And when
that thing gets full, she's ready to go.
The problem is,
unlike us men,
that water
could be tipped like that.
You say something about her weight. You say
something about her age. You say something that
really hurts her feelings. It is literally taking
the cup and just spilling it like that.
Unlike you, you're like, okay. I'm ready to
go. I said something. We argued, and now
we're we were planning all this stuff for
tonight. He's like, no. I'm done. What?
And, of course, what are you gonna do?
I am going to oh, let me see.
Oh, I found the hadith,
regarding the, the angels cursing you, and, you
have to do this and this and this.
I said, okay. Fine.
Go ahead. Do what you want.
And you're like, well, this is no fun.
Oh, yeah. Just get it over with.
I don't wanna do this. They they that's
awkward. Oh, well, all about the hadith. No.
Yeah. You're right. Okay.
And that's not what you want either, brother.
Yes. You're hungry, but you don't eat a
meal like
like that.
You want the other side to enjoy together.
Right? So you're saying, okay. How do I
get her to enjoy? So it's not just
making her forced into it or feel guilty
into it, but how can I get her
to enjoy? Because when your wife enjoys
and you enjoy,
then it will be frequent.
But if she's not enjoying, you're not gonna
enjoy either because this is naturally something that's
wired into men.
This is why we want our wives to
be happy
because we feed off of that happiness, not
just inside the bedroom, but overall in general.
And if our wives are not happy and
we don't feel like something, like, we're feel
like something's missing between us. You know what
I'm talking about, brothers. So now you think
to yourself, okay. How do I get this
wife happy? How do I make her happy
in the bedroom so she wants more? Because
then she's like, oh, no water. No water.
So small things. Small things. As we know
from the hadith of the prophet before you
become intimate with your wife, It is encouraged
for foreplay. Right? And you do things throughout
the day to build it up.
Right? And you and and, again, you've you've
spilled that water into that cup.
You have to be very careful.
This cup, again, is not nailed to the
to the shelf.
Pay attention to it because don't come out
with all these random second wife jokes when
you know she's sensitive to that. Don't talk
about her weight if she's sensitive to that.
Don't talk about her age if she's sensitive
to that. Don't do stuff that's gonna self
sabotage yourself, brother.
You know? She's not gonna function that like
you. No matter if her entire cup is
full. Again, when a wife is angry with
you, literally, it's almost impossible for her to
be intimate with you.
And she will not enjoy it
because her emotions
are wired into her in a different way.
She flows with those emotions. She goes with
that thing. And that's, by the way, what
makes her a woman.
All that femininity that you enjoy about her,
all those things that she has that you
really are attracted to, is tied into her
emotions, things that we are not tied into
as well. Right? There are certain things that
women find attractive in us that that they
naturally don't have as much. For example,
men who are confident,
women are more even attracted to, especially if
she lacks that confidence.
Men who are very decisive,
many women are indecisive.
So they lack they lack that piece that
you have, so they're attracted to that a
man who's decisive, a man who knows what
he wants. They always use the word independent.
Right? The reason why they keep throwing that
word out is because they're attracted to men
who are independent. Independent from, like, being a
follower, independent from their parents, and they can
do things on their own. They're attracted to
those things. Right?
So you have to think to yourself, what
can I do to also make her attractive
in the bedroom? So now you're just okay.
Let me think. Let me think. Let me
think. Well, you don't have to even think
very much because the Islam is already given
to you. Okay. So let me explain to
you guys. I know it sounds like for
some people, we this is common sense. But
in front of people, I call it Islamic
sense like, common sense, but for Muslims,
it's kinda like
how women are we just talked about it.
It is the the, hadith of the prophet
talked about before you go to your wife
for it to be intimate with her. Send
her a messenger
and send her a messenger. People are like,
what do you mean messenger?
So I guess that some guy could go,
Javier or some sister could go, Javier. No.
No. No. A messenger is kiss
and words
Like, she this is how you intellectually simulate
her. If you this all in here, guys.
You know, you're like this. This is visual.
This is why, like, if your wife's wearing
laundry and other things, it's like, all this
stuff goes off. Right? So, you know, which
laundry are you gonna wear that your wife
will you're gonna have to be saying it's
not gonna be the same reaction as she
you're gonna have for her. But for her,
it's this. So we we always talk about
the challenges that brothers have many brothers have
with,
*. Right? Because this visual simulation
is just messing things up because they pull
you in with that. They know this is
gonna get you. They pull you in. Now,
yes, there are some sisters that deal with
that too, but the majority that deal with
their brothers. Right? But one thing we never
ever talked about, and I see it when
I take flights, because I do as you
guys know, I travel around doing these matrimonial
events. I'm taking flights and staying there. And
while I'm on my computer doing myself,
the person next to me is, what's she
doing? Female is reading
her version of *,
which is this, you know, the books,
erotic things, like, the man with the no
has no shirt, and he's, like, in the
wind.
And his wife is holding out to it.
That's why I don't know who she is.
She's holding out to his arm, and she's
looking up to him.
And he's like.
And then it and she's in there and,
like, you know, she's graphic. She's all into
it. That's * for her. Now why is
this why do women generally read all these
books
while men are generally into *? This is
2 versions of *
because this is a written version, which just
uses her imagination.
Because women, if they're intellectually stimulated
and you get them all into that stuff,
the and obviously with you, not with this
goofy
goofball who's doing the
who's this guy? But I'm just saying, like,
you have to be that one that intellectually
stimulates her,
and you build it throughout the day.
Right? So
when you do that and her cup gets
full and she is happy,
now she's looking forward to it again. Now
to be fair to the brothers a little
bit, because something the brothers are very confused,
After the whole thing is over and your
wife had an amazing time, thinking, like, okay,
Bob Ali, tomorrow, she's not thinking about it.
What's going on? What did I do wrong?
Well, this is a funny thing, and this
is my opinion. Take it with a grain
of salt. I personally think women enjoy those
who do or
or having a positive
experience for intimacy. If the man has a
positive experience and the woman has a better
positive experience, I think the women are gonna
enjoy it far more than the brothers do.
Why is that?
It's because, I don't know, we're wired differently,
functioning differently. When a woman's body is ready
to go,
I mean, it can keep going. Men don't
function that way. It peaks and it stops.
And they have to reset and peak and
stop. That's how it works. So this is
visualized. It's going back to the common sense
of phonic sense. There is a microwave, and
there's a oven.
Men are the microwave.
It's already ready to go. What? In 10
seconds, 15 seconds, he's ready to go. He
won't be in a pinky line, Timothy. It's
like a microwave. In less than a minute,
he's ready to go. Now you're you don't
know any better and you get married, you're
like, okay. Beep beep beep. And why is
my wife not ready to go? What's wrong
with this button? What's wrong with this? Well,
first of all, brother, you're talking like a
robot. I am not talking like a robot.
Yes. You are. You're thinking like a man.
Okay? She is in the oven. What do
you do with the oven? You don't throw
a pizza in there? You preheat it.
You wait.
How long do I have to wait for?
You have to wait 15, 20 minutes to
build it up build it up. So if
you are together in the bedroom, you build
it up nothing yet, just kiss her, love
her, spend time with her, whisper words to
her,
let her fantasize,
you know, to build up a scenario
of things where you go and she let
her visualize.
She will simulate herself far more than you
can simulate her,
all through her own imagination. Where are we?
We're on the beach. And where are we
on the island? Blah blah blah blah. Use
your imagination.
Take her there. Right? And she will it'll
her body will start preparing itself.
So when her body is ready to go,
she's far more likely to enjoy it
than you just throwing it out the pizza
into the oven and just expecting why is
this thing burnt? The bottom is burnt, the
top of it burnt, and the whole thing
is not cooked properly because you're treating it
like a microwave.
It's not a microwave.
You know what's a microwave?
You. You are the microwave.
It only goes differently. So now you're like,
okay. I get it. I sweet talk her
throughout the day. I do all these things.
And then when I in the bedroom, now,
like, Bob Ali, how do I make this
positive experience? Well, this takes practice.
No matter how much this society tries to
teach you that, oh, this is what's good.
This is what intimates can be like. The
first time you guys be intimate together, it'd
be probably pretty clumsy. Things are going wrong.
It's it's like it's like me putting you
in a on a,
the taking you're taking a flight. I put
you in a plane and says, man, this
plane. Oh, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
Hey. Hey. How do you run this thing?
There's a 100 foot in. That's the woman's
body, by the way. There's a 100 things
and you're maneuvering it and you're trying to
validate, and guess what you do do do
do do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do do
do do do do do do do and
you crash.
With more practice,
you'll get better at whatever you're doing, and
you go back to it and get better
and better. And what you have to do
is when I press this button, what happened?
She didn't respond very well. Well, I thought
that she would like it. Well, I press
this button and it goes,
oh, wow. She liked that one. And she
was listening. So you are learning
because there's no manual here, guys. You are
learning by listening and speaking and interacting what
she likes, what she doesn't like, and every
plane is different.
And then after a
while, eventually,
you'll land your plane.
And she lands our plane. She is on
cloud 9.
She's like, go again.
Like, what? Go again. Again. Again. And she
wants to go again and again and again
and again so you don't wanna stop. What
are you talking about?
So that tells me that's one of my
reasons. I think they enjoy way more than
men do. As much as you enjoy it,
they enjoy it more. They're the ones asking
you never to stop. When do men ever
say we don't have never never gonna stop.
We will beg you. Please don't let this
plane
ever
let it keep going around,
and eventually we're gonna land. I wanna land
for sure, but let's just fly around for
a while. We just took off. What men
do is they just take off and they
just crash land like a rocket ship. It's
like how's the rocket ship go, by the
way? You press the button
and press it and you're done. That's a
rocket ship. But women are planes.
They don't fly like that. They take off.
And you guys know, as you take off
on any flight, they say, alright. Put your
seat belts on.
No,
electronics for the first 10,000 feet. And I
swear you guys, once we get to, this
is your Bubba Ali, captain speaking. Once we
get to 10,000 feet, then take out your
electronics, and we'll start giving you guys some
desserts and all of blah blah blah blah
blah. That's the plane too.
As she takes off, that's the intimacy foreplay
part. You can't take off like this. You
take off like this.
As you take off like this, you're building
up, building up. That plane, once it gets
to the altitude that it needs to go
to, It's going really weak super fast and
enjoying and doing and flying. It doesn't wanna
land.
It begs you, please, pilot. Please do not
land. We want to land safely, but please
do not land. By the way, statistics show
10 to 15% of planes never land.
Okay. That's a different statistic for a different
time. But what we're talking about here
is how do we make sure this whole
experience is gonna be really, really positive. And
as I just mentioned, because I said so
quickly, let's just make sure I cover this,
is you listen.
You, again, say everything within the halal boundaries.
You listen.
You see what she enjoys, what she doesn't
enjoy. Focus on what she's enjoying. Would you
figure out what you're doing right? Take mental
notes.
Continue doing this way.
If it's not working, don't do that way
anymore.
She doesn't like this. Some people like lighter.
Some people like more aggressive. Some people more
like this. Everyone is different. See what she
enjoys. And if she enjoys, trust me, she's
gonna come to you next week and say,
hey.
How's flight school? Let's let's go for another,
picture.
She's like, oh, bye bye. It worked.
And you're celebrating.
Yeah.
That's how it works. But when we don't
know and you don't like and the flight
doesn't wanna take off anymore and you're sitting
at the
at the airport. And in the hangar, you
have the plane, and you bought a brand
new plane. You worked so hard for it.
You worked your job, and you saved money,
and you paid for a wedding and the
and everything, and the plane sits there
in the hangar,
and there's no pilots.
And you're wondering, what should I do?
And some of you are like, maybe I
should buy a second plane.
So you guys see what I'm saying.
You guys see what I'm saying. So for
sisters,
it's much easier for you because you don't
have to maneuver a 100 different things to
make your husband happy. It is literally a
rocket ship. It's almost impossible for the husband
not to be happy in the bedroom. But
I will give you some tips if you
want to increase his libido to make it
more often that he would enjoy. There are
certain things that men like, and sometimes men
don't say it. The reason why they don't
say it because they're they sometimes concern of
the reaction of their wife or what are
you gonna say and stuff like that. Men
really, really enjoy it at home when you
dress nicely for them, when you dress around
the house nicely for them. So when you
are dressed up and, like, you're fully covered
in the cub and hijab at home and
there's nobody at home except you and him,
he's like, why are you constantly covered with
everything? Like, I only see your eyeballs at
home. I understand if you're out, but why
are you like this? Why I feel comfortable?
Well, I feel like I'm married to a
ninja at home. Everyone know what's going through
this part. And then, oh, okay. And then
he doesn't have visual stimulation.
See, women, they need that verbal stimulation to
keep them going. He needs visual stimulation from
you. And then when you do get eventually
to the bedroom,
again, you're wired differently.
So for him, laundry works, and let me
tell you why it works. There's something that's
programmed into the men's mind that they like
variety. You know, all these men who talk
about 2nd, 3rd, 4th wife, it's this variety
that they're attracted to. Women are not necessarily
wired the same way. Right? So what men
are naturally wired to have different females. So
what you can do to to to click
into that part to satisfy that checkbox
is when you dress in different lingerie
and different outfits, that fantasy part of him
checks.
And when you check that, it's much, much
easier. Now, brothers, let me give you some
tips on what you can do for your
wife.
Women have this certain thing every day that
resets. I tell my wife, it is the
worst bank in the world. She's like, what
do you mean? I said, you are the
if you were a bank, you'd be the
worst bank in the world. Every single day,
I go and I take my phone and
I check my,
if I if you're an app and you're
my banking app and I clicked it to
see how much is my check my checking
account, it would say 0, and I'll be
very confused. Because yesterday, I deposited
£50
or $50,
and there is no money in it. Yeah.
Because every day, she'll say to the bank,
hi. I'm the bank.
I see that you have a problem. So
I'm here to answer your questions. I say,
yes. I do have a question. I deposited
£50, £50 into my account yesterday. There's it
said 0. So, yes, that's how our bank
works. I'm like, how does what? So, yes,
this is how every single day, no matter
how many times you say I love you
and I appreciate you and thank you for
everything you're doing, it resets every day. So
you have to constantly make these deposits to
keep this bank happy. Otherwise, you're gonna close
your account.
So what happens
what happens is you're like, okay. Why would
anyone invest in this bank? Because this bank
does something that your bank doesn't do right
now. I'm not talking about interest, but whenever
I put any type of deposit into this
bank account, they multiply it in ways in
I can't imagine, and they give it right
back to you in ways that you cannot
do yourself.
That's what makes us attracted
to our women,
our wife. Right? So this is what makes
it different. If I I can give my
I can build a structure called a house
and work so hard and purchase and if
you as a pipe over here is my
signature, and I come in with 4 white
walls and a roof.
My wife makes that house into a home.
I can't do that.
It's something that's wired into her.
So when I show love to her and
compassion to her and appreciation to her, she
takes all that, multiplies it, and gives it
to me in dividends in ways that have
nothing to do with the bank account. But
in all these other accounts, I'm like, what
is this? Here's your breakfast. I didn't ask
for it. And I did this for you,
and I took care of this for you.
And then she wants more intimacy. She wants
to do everything she can to make you
happy.
And these are the parts we don't realize.
We think it's just everything's in a box.
This is intimacy. This is this, and this
is this. No. If you find ways to
go above and beyond to make her happy,
to make her feel loved, she'll naturally want
to be intimate. It's just wired that way.
But it's not the natural hunger that you
have. And that's the problem. We think the
way we do, and they think the way
they do, and there's very little communication to
discuss.
Why do you think differently, or do you
even think differently?
And we we try to counter all the
problems with the way we would want to
solve it. So if I can't fix this
problem, I'll just go I'll just go get
a second one. That's not gonna fix it.
Now I'm not against the second wife thing
or third wife thing, but if it's for
the wrong reasons.
Right? Make sure it's the instinct to provide
and to take care of, not just, okay.
I can't figure out my first wife. Let
me go marry second. That's not that's not
how it works. Make sure your first wife
is taken care of. Make sure your second
wife is taken care of. Make sure all
the wives are taken care of. But for
the record, I only have 1 wife. So
and I'm always one white person. But I'm
telling you, a lot of times, I see
these people chasing these things. And when you
really, really dig down to it, it's the
intimacy issue. It's the $1,000,000 question in the
topic of this room. How do I get
more intimacy?
And believe it or not, I often guarantee
you, 90% of brothers have never had this
discussion with their wife.
What can I do to get more intimacy
from you?
And many sisters, they don't know how to
communicate it just properly.
Well, you just have to be this to
make something very general and very vague, and
men don't think that way. Well, I give
him clues. He doesn't understand your clues.
Right? It's it's funny that they have this
the non Muslims, they say, if a man
is interested in a woman, he, the woman
if a woman's interested in a man, she
has to give 3 verbal clues,
3 of them, before he catches with the
hope that he'll catch one of them. So
when you're at home, sister, then you're married
to your husband
and and you tell him something, he may
not catch it. You have to do things
multiple times. Not because he's not paying attention.
It's because his brain is not wired to
be paying attention to details. You see details.
He doesn't. Well, I did this my I
moved my body this way, and that tells
him that I don't like it. No. Say,
I don't like what you're just doing right
now, or I like when you do this.
Men need to be well, why is he
to be told directly? Because his brain is
wired. He's a very simple brain. He can
do things with his brain that he can't
do with yours, and you can do things
with your brain that you can't do with
this. We're just all about built this differently.
So the way he communicates, his upbringing system
communicates, he has to be literally told this,
this, this, even though it's clearly obvious for
you. Right? So sometimes when his sister is
talking to another sister and she doesn't like
something or like something, she does or she's
like she does, like, the smallest thing, and
the other sister picks it up. Right? So
they try to communicate the same way with
your husband. That's gonna be a problem. He
doesn't pick it up. He doesn't know when
you're mad. He doesn't know when you're happy.
He doesn't know it's, like, sometimes what what
you're frustrated or you came back, but how
many times
does a woman be able to pick that
up? And, brother, you know what I'm talking
about. If it's not your wife, maybe it
was your mom when you said come home
and everything was perfect.
I mean, and and you know that and
you had a good day today. See, how
do you know? And you come home one
day and you haven't said a word to
her. All you said is.
What happened? We knew what happened. Something happened
today. I didn't say anything. Something happened, and
you're frustrated, and I can tell. I didn't
say a word. Why?
Because the smallest detail that you don't even
realize that you're giving off, she can pick
up.
And it's the same thing. When women have
issues with their husband, they realize there's a
certain thing that you're not telling them, something's
pick this is picking up, blah blah blah,
and they're picking up stuff that you don't
even communicate it. Now what's happening is the
the female thinks you can do the same
thing. So when she's frustrated and mad or
even in the bedroom, sends you signals, she's
hoping you're picking the stuff up, and when
you're not,
then she's like, oh, he's ignoring it, and
he's selfish, and he's frustrated, and then she
starts resenting you.
And this comes back to miscommunication again.
And that's my 2¢ about intimacy.
So I don't know if anyone has any
questions,
but I hope that you guys got some
insight in in some of these things. And
if you did,
I ask you to hopefully, keep me your
duas and if you find it beneficial.
But
you guys want me to come on board
and tell you guys how to get more
intimacy.
Yes. And it
works.
That was a big 2¢.
Thank you so so much. I think, you
know, gave people a lot of food for
thought.
And
yeah,
lots of great analogies,
make it really easy for people to kind
of get what you're saying. And I think,
you know, that you've actually echoed some of
the themes that have been, you know, brought
to the to the forefront by other speakers,
communication, for example, you know, the difference between
men and women and how they process things,
etcetera. So I
think we we have a theme going, so
that's great.
Before you go, brother, I would love for
you to let people know
how they can take up that offer that
you mentioned in the marriage conversation.
Because I remember you mentioned that for UK
people, they have been really excited
by the success stories from Half Dean, and
they would love to come and take advantage
of your generous offer, but they don't know
how. Could you tell them, please?
Right. So last time we were on our
call, for those who missed it, we were
just we had a different plan, by the
way. So what happened is we just had
our call, and then somehow in the during
the conversation,
I said, you know what? Let's do something
for the UK people. Let's give him a
year on half our team for free.
And we said, let's let's give it a
shot. Now I didn't
before that whole conversation, we didn't have time
to think out at all. And after the
call was done, it's okay because otherwise, I'll
have the link ready.
I'll have something like, hey. Go to this
website, and then you get your year free
and stuff like that. We didn't do it.
So I tell you, just go to my
IG.
And I didn't know we're gonna be doing
it today. I think we you mentioned it
in conversations, but I I just remembered that
you're
this.
So, I would have to go back to
the IG thing again. But this time, we'll
have to cap it at a certain point
because I realized that some people watch the
video at different times.
So some of you may be watching this
video on July 30th, which is the date
today, and some of you may be watching
it in the future. So we'll we'll keep
it open for at least a week. So
if you contact me in the next week
on my Instagram, you can catch me at
real babaali,
on Instagram,
and I will give you a year free.
Now I wanna be transparent. We are not
necessarily in the UK market. We are basically
in the US and Canada market. Now we
are trying to one day come to the
UK, but what their challenges for the UK
is when you come to the website and
you see only, like, 200 people or 300
people there, you're like, oh, there's 100 people
here if I leave. So if that doesn't
work for you,
then don't take the offer. It doesn't really
make sense. Right? Some people say, look. I've
tried people here. It hasn't really worked out.
I wanna explore elsewhere. Like, my for example,
many of you guys may or may not
know, my wife is from the UK. And
my first success story is a husband's from
the US, actually from Los Angeles, and his
wife is from London, UK. So I've we've
had multiple situations where people happen to be
overseas or different countries, and they it worked
out very successfully for them. Now that may
not be for you, so it may not
make sense for you. But I'm hoping, InshaAllah,
our our goal is to eventually come to
the UK, but I wanna do things a
little bit differently than everybody else has done
it. And one of the ways that I'm
doing things differently is to do matrimonial events.
Now you I know you're wondering, okay. We
already have events. No. You don't. You have
speed dating events, which are not designed for
marriage. Those things are designed for dating. Right?
And this is why a lot of these
Muslims, they go out and date and stuff
like that. These were designed for people who
wanna meet in a 3 minute quick
surface level, see each other physically,
see if you're attracted to them, and then
try to pursue marriage for them, which is
ridiculous.
It doesn't work. This is why most people
come back with horror stories and not success
stories. When I throw my numbers out of
what kind of events we had, the lowest
rate that I remember that we've had this
year was 48%
of the best that we've we've done. 48%
of our attendees
found a match. Now if I come and
give that to any speed dating organization, they'll
say that's impossible. We don't barely 10% or
5%. In fact, they don't even know what
their percentage is. We know all the data
and all the stats, and we figure things
out. We're able to capture these things, and
we keep tweaking things. We don't use spaghetti.
There's no interviewing. There's no brother sitting there
and your sister sitting there, and you're asking
each other these questions and the person's interrogating
the other person. The other person's sweating the
chaperone over there with the stick. Okay. What
did you say? There's none of that stuff.
So this is why the way this is
why a lot of these men don't go
to these events. Why would I wanna go
to an event and get interrogated by a
bunch of chaperones? I don't I don't even
know who you are yet, and you're grilling
me in 3 minutes? I don't wanna go.
What we do is we attract men. We
attract marriage minded men and get them to
have much we attract them. They get on
flights.
They book hotels. They get Ubers, and they
come to our event. In fact, nearly 25%
of our attendees people are people who travel
as far as the UK, believe it or
not. And, like, what?
They came all the way down from the
UK to the US? They say, yes. They
do. And they come from Canada all the
time. And I'm in Los Angeles, by the
way. We've had events in Chicago and different
parts of the US and in Canada, and
many people the last event I did in
Canada,
in Toronto, a sister said I came all
the way from Pakistan for this event. Now
you're wondering, okay, Bavali. What is going on
here? When you do things differently, you will
have different results. And when people are getting
married and there's success after success after success,
everyone's learning, where are these events? Can I
go and experience this? The problem is that
there's nobody else doing it. I'm the only
one that runs these type of events. Every
single other organization does speed dating or some
form of it, and it doesn't work. And
I don't know why they follow it like
a sunnah,
but they do. And they'll never go away
from it even though it doesn't work. I
don't know why. Well, one reason is because
it's very profitable.
Speed dating is very easy. All you have
to take is take people's money, give them
a seat even though you know they have
zero chance. We don't do that. Only about
27% of the people who apply for events
get a seat.
About 73% chance. So if you try to
come to my London event I'm trying to
hold a a London event later this year,
and so for the first time in 12
years, this will be our first ever London
event. If you try and you listen to
this, I'm excited about Baldi. Where do I
sign up? There's a 73%
chance you won't get in.
Every single person's empty.
And we do it in this and people
are like, woah. This is the hardest event
to get into. It is the hardest. That's
why people fly. They fly and don't be
surprised. If this was, like to get give
me a comparison. Let's just say our US
events were UK event. I want you to
imagine how
when I'm telling you people fly in, I
want you to imagine we're doing an event
in London, and you ask this brother, where
are you from? He says, France. And this
person's from Belgium, and this person's from Spain.
This guy came from Italy, Muslim guy from
Italy. The other guy came from where? Like,
what? You have 4 people from Switzerland.
Are you serious? You guys all came and
flew in Tejito, and then that's a expensive
flight with the with if you add all
the hotel and the Ubers and all this
stuff. Yeah. And he came all this way
to meet you,
and you all complain about, I can't find
any serious Muslim people. This is how serious
they are. That's why people pay. And what
they pay for my events, by the way,
is double of what they pay for speed
dating. Speed dating, you know what they do
for you? They say, hey. Come on in.
We got some dinner for you. We got
3 course meal. We got all these different
things for you. And then why do they
do all that stuff? Because the thing doesn't
work, so let's feed them.
Feed them at least don't get happy, and
they go home, with a horror story, but
they got their stomachs full. We don't have
food. Like, we don't have dinner. We don't
need to give dinner.
You don't have dinner? We don't have dinner.
We just have some finger food, some appetizers,
maybe some drinks. That's it. People who pay
for our event, they're not coming for that.
They're coming to get married. You wanna go
there? Go to a restaurant. I'm sure with
£50, you get a much better meal than
you get at speed dating event.
Right? So our goal is to help you
guys get married. The reason I came on
today's show, inshallah, is not to promote my
product at all. My whole goal was here
to help you guys with those who are
married to stay married, and one of the
ways to stay married is to make sure
in the bedroom, things are going well. And
if things are going well usually in the
bedroom, as my grandmother used to say,
she used to say, if everything's good in
the bedroom, everything's good in marriage. She's a
very simple person, but it's, obviously, it's not
that simple, but you know what I'm talking
about. Yeah. So so for the code, you
can contact me through the Instagram.
I will leave it for at least a
week, so you have until
August 7th. So if you contact me through
Instagram, I will reopen this again. We did
close it out for a while, but reopen
it again for you guys to show up
because I love what you guys are doing
here. And, by the way, I don't benefit
from it.
All those people who are joining my,
1 year free on thing, I don't I
give you full access. Like, I'm not charging
you anything.
If you decide to stay on, then you
your subscription starts 1 year from now. But
if you if you cancel within the 1
year, we'll remove you. Now if you the
only reason why I've been hesitating to do
this, by the way, again, is because sometimes
if something is free, people will join. And
if they don't use it for a few
months, then the account just sits there and
looks like someone's not using it, and and
that's not good for the entire website.
One thing we do with our website is
we wanna fill I don't want a 1000000
people like Muzzmatch and Mindr and Palams and
stuff like that. I don't want a 1,000,000.
I want, like, a 1000 or 2,000
marriage minded people who are serious. If you're,
like, wanna do dating and you just wanna
be, like, whatever nonsense, go to some other
website. I don't need you on my website.
Who who's gonna tell you that, by the
way? I'm looking for the married people. I'm
looking for quality. I'm looking for that sick
I want 2,600
success stories again and again and again. That's
what I'm looking for. I don't need a
1000000 people. This is not a money making
machine for me. This is a success machine
for me. And for anyone who comes to
my event and have seen the way I
do things a bit different,
you know, compatibility, all that kind of stuff,
you can tell this guy's passionate about what
he does. It's not like he's in there
counting money, like, whatever. It's different. The mindset's
different, and I'm I'm chasing success like the
way people chase money. Right? I'm I'm tweaking
it. I'm trying to make things better, and,
hopefully, I get to see you guys one
day in London, for those who are in
the London. And in Canada, we're having an
event on September. Actually, follow me on my
Instagram.
You'll see where things are. I'm not here
to advertise, but it's still over there. So
I wanted to make sure we focus on
this topic here. But for your guys who
are listening to this, again, I'm not offering
this anywhere except for this program.
If you're listening to this, there's a huge
benefit because you just made yourself
$84,
and that is the price that someone's gonna
pay for annual subscription. Every single person that
comes out everywhere else is pretty much paying
except for the people who right now listening.
So if you're in the UK and you're
listening right now, you have you're one of
the few exceptions that are actually getting a
paid membership. Now you're getting a a 10
day or a 30 day or a 60
day, 90 day. You're getting a 1 year
membership. That's plenty of time. Again, I don't
benefit. If it works for you, what are
you gonna do? You're gonna get married, and
you're gonna leave the website. I don't make
a penny. If it doesn't work for you,
what are you gonna do? You're gonna leave
the website. So I don't win either way.
Right? There's no money coming in my pocket.
I'm doing this for Naomi Robert because her
program is amazing, and what she's doing is
amazing. And I wanna make sure you guys
benefit from
it somehow for me to be beneficial for
you guys. And if it works for you
guys,
Again, we only have a few 100 people
from the UK. Our numbers are low, but,
hopefully, with a lot of these people using
it, maybe you guys all who are watching
the show will meet each other, and maybe
some things will come out of that. So,
hopefully, that helps.
Absolutely
love that. Stellar, stellar as always. And
for your generosity
for our people. We appreciate it. And we
will send, an email about this to everybody
who signed up for the, the intimacy conversation.
I think that this is gonna be one
of the popular videos that people are going
to end up sharing
and, you know, passing on to, to other
people in their circle because you approached a
delicate topic with a lot of humor and
low sincerity. And, you know, hopefully, people won't
feel too,
you know, too embarrassed to even bring up
some of those, some of those analogies, you
know, because they were they were great. I
love a good metaphor.
Very, very happy whenever I hear better metaphors
being used.
Welcome. I've got sister Halley Banani now who's
our next speaker.
So I'm gonna let her on.
Sis, let me know if you're able to
come on. And, brother, thank you so much.
May Allah bless you. Please give us salaam
to the family.
Welcome.
Alright. Alright. Ready.
Sister Halley just let me know. InshaAllah. Guys,
put your comments in there. That was different.
Okay? So we've had some really different conversations
tonight.
Lots
to to to, lots to process, lots to,
to work through. Wanna see what you guys
think in the chat. Our VIPs are very
quiet in this conversation, which is very interesting.
But in, YouTube, the chat is very lively.
So really happy to see you guys, you
know, responding to the speakers and, you know,
reflecting on them.
And, yes, brother Talha, we do hope that
they do an event, in the UK because
I think it will be a breath of
fresh air, inshallah, for, you know, those who
are, those who are looking. And may Allah
bless every one of us with spouses that
are the coolness of our eyes and allow
us to enjoy the benefits of in this
dunya and in the akhirah inshallah.
So I'm gonna we are going
to, we our recording has stopped. We're gonna
continue the livestream,
until,
the hour, which is 11 o'clock UK time.
Then sister Haile Banani is going to be
presenting on
the 7 killers of intimacy.
So, you know, you wanna hear that. So
inshallah, now's the time to stand up, stretch,
get some water, you know, go and, you
know, relieve yourself, do what you gotta do,
and come back for to join us inshallah
for sister Halley's talk.
Oh,
I mean, why isn't the big
Right. Let me get you as cohost, sis.
Let me make you cohost. Get
my video going.
I need to get my video going too.
How are you doing, sis? I'm doing great.
How about yourself?
Here we are living and breathing.
Perspectives and such an important topic.
Really interesting.
Like, really coming at the same topic from
all of these angles.
Really amazing. So let's get it. Let's you
know, it's time. Let's get started. So what
we'll do, we'll get rid we'll hit record,
and then I will give you the screen
and get you to introduce yourself inshallah.
And then we are gonna be talking about
the 7 killers of intimacy. So,
good, good, good, good. All right, Bismillah, let's
do this.
Welcome everyone to the next presentation in the
intimacy conversation.
We have a very special guest,
a popular guest on this channel.
We do love her. We love her energy.
We love her heart. We love her warmth
and her very practical advice about marriage and
all sorts of things psychological. And she is
none other than sister Halley Banani. Assalamu alaykum,
my dear sister. Welcome to the intimacy conversation.
For that warm greeting. That was so sweet
of you. And I love being on here,
and I love working with you.
So,
like I said, veterans of this channel, they
know you from Secrets of Successful Wives. Mhmm.
But for those who are new, and we
have a lot of new people who've joined,
tell them a little bit about you, the
work that you do, and then let's jump
into it with these Let's do it. Killers.
Let's go. Let's do it.
I've had the privilege of being a faith
based counselor
since 1998. So that's over 25 years,
working with the Muslim community, working with thousands
of individuals
across the globe. So I get a rare
glimpse of what the Muslims are experiencing, the
difficulties that they face.
And dealing with marriage has been an area
of expertise, alhamdulillah,
which we have. It has led us, my
husband and I, to make marriage programs. We've
done a premarital program with, a popular guest,
Ubaba Ali, who was just on. And,
you know, I teach the practical information. He
makes it very entertaining.
We have the 5 pillars of marriage program,
which is, you know, giving you really the
blueprint of having a successful marriage. And there
is a lot of focus on intimacy and
how to improve that
and the global support group helping women become
the best versions of themselves,
and that is transforming
the lives of many, many women. And so
I can't wait to start this discussion. It
is long overdue, and it's very critical for
us to address these 7 killers,
the 7 killers of intimacy.
Okay.
I okay. Are we doing it? I wasn't
sure if we're doing it in conversation style
or you just want me to go at
it. Let me know, sister.
Alright. So what I am seeing what I
have seen in doing this work, SubhanAllah,
is that there are so many preliminary
steps,
right, in order to have good intimacy. Many
people see it as, you know, setting the
mood. Setting the mood is not just about
lighting up some candles and wearing something nice.
It has to do with the prerequisites.
There has to be a prerequisite
to having good intimacy. Right? So
there are 7 killers, and I've worked with
thousands of people and help them overcome
these obstacles,
and it has to do with, 1st and
foremost,
finding out what these are. Okay? And
they go from either being in a self
you know, in a * starved marriage
or
being totally disconnected, living as roommates, or just
like being unfulfilled or feeling like it's a
chore
to having good intimate
relationships. So how does that happen? There are
definitely things to keep in mind.
First of all, there is a lack of
positive
association to intimacy. Now how does this happen?
How many of
you were taught about intimacy? I'd like to
know. How many of you have been taught
that? You know, I have done a lot
of, you know, workshops
and conferences with the youth, and most of
them tell me that they have never had
the talk. They're just like, could you give
me the talk right before I get married
next weekend? Right? So they don't have the
talk. We have not been educated.
I know my mom would turn beet red
anytime a topic like that came up. So
what happens is that most people are not
educated in it. And then there is the
fear tactic. Right? It's like, oh my gosh.
We need to raise, you know, women or
girls who are chas, and they stay away
from that stuff. So what did they use?
A lot of the parents use the methodology
of scaring them.
There are scare tactics
to ensure
chastity.
How many of you had that? Well, I
did.
And that is part of the reason
I wanted to address this because I know
that I didn't have the tools. I wasn't,
you know, given that talk, and I faced
certain challenges. And as I worked with couples
and women from across the world, I'm like,
oh my gosh. Okay. I wasn't alone. This
is like this is very prevalent.
And so what happens is that
this is create it has created
kind of, you know, we've had this androcentric
concept of *. Right, and the failure
to recognize, like, female
sexual desires. Right? So it is it has
been introduced, like, * is pleasurable only for
men or and it's a duty
upon women. This is kind of like the
mentality
that a lot of, let's say, maybe our
mothers, our grandmothers, maybe they have this mindset,
and so that's what they teach. And good
women, right, there's also that concept of good
women with noble character,
They won't ask for it. Right? And that
it becomes almost shameful
if this is something you desire.
And sadly,
there is also this undertone of, like, only
prostitutes
would, you know, would enjoy intimacy or would
would wear certain outfits and would do certain
things. And so with that mindset, it's really
difficult for so many women
to
for so many women to overcome all of
these, you know, all of these cultural baggage.
And this is not Islamic at all. And
this is what's so important to realize is
that this is not what Islam teaches us.
The prophet
said he loved the and he respected the
woman of the
because
their
right? It was like they had the,
but yet they were not afraid to talk
about intimacy,
ask questions about it. So that's really important
to realize that there are certain
cultural norms we have to overcome. I've had
clients
that, you know, they they feel so dirty
afterwards. Some actually cry after intimacy
because of these this mentality.
This has been pushed on them. And
we have to also look at it. You
know? How many people have been taught that,
you know, this is your duty. It is
a chore. And if you don't do it,
the angels are gonna curse you. We have
to look at the psychology
of duty versus desire. Right? If something is
a duty and if you feel like, oh
my god. If I don't do it, you
are you're going to feel less, you know,
you're gonna feel less motivated. Right? And your
heart is not gonna be in it, and
you're not gonna be engaging. And so in
Islam, what we need to realize is that
the act of intimacy
is pleasurable
for men
and pleasurable for women. Right? And it's a
duty
of a wife as much as it is
the duty of the husband to please one
another. So we need to stop
presenting it like that. You know, the hadith
about the the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam
saying that if if a woman,
you know, she prevents
or holds back the intimacy,
they will be cursed. This was an intent.
Okay. The intent of the hadith was to
not use intimacy as a form of manipulation,
which I have seen. I have seen some
people,
some women will use it and some men
as well as a way of manipulating. So
we wanna make sure that we have to
adjust
that cultural the misconceptions.
Okay. So the first killer was what Is
the lack of positive association.
It's bad. It's shameful. It's haram to wear
certain things, act certain ways. So that is
the first thing that we need to correct.
Sister, are you chiming in or is this,
I just wanna know
what because
are we doing it as a conversation or
should I go ahead?
I wanna be able to give you the
chance to chime in if you wanna chime
in.
Alright. I think we're just doing it. Alright.
Alright. Then the second thing is a lack
of self esteem and body image. You know,
women have been suffering from whether it's low
self esteem or not having a strong body
image
for, you know, for so long. And it's
gotten even worse with social media because now
you don't just compare yourself
to the people that your, you know, your
classmates or people you see, friends and family.
It is everybody around the world. And so
if you don't feel good about yourself
or your body,
you will not be interested
and you won't be like, you won't find
it appealing. You won't wanna get intimate because
you have to realize that the sexiest thing
is confidence.
That really is. It's not about your size.
It's not about your shape. It's not about
your looks.
It's really about
feeling amazing about yourself, what you have to
offer. And when someone
when someone has that confidence,
it really doesn't matter whether they
they fit that standard, right, or that ideal
standard. So when when a person lacks self
esteem, and it could be from the men's
side. Right? A lot of men suffer from
these issues as well. They may not have
like, they may have gained weight and they
feel like, you know what? I'm not looking
as good as before, and so that prevents
them from wanting to be intimate. Right? So
we need to make sure that our self
esteem, how we feel about ourself. And it's
it's interesting because, you know, as I mentioned
the
the 5 pillars of marriage, which is the
marriage program,
we put a lot of psychology into this
because it's based on research and it's based
on
results. Right? And so we put the the
5th pillar
as,
as intimacy. Right? Not the first And I
know that a lot of people, like, wanna,
like, jump right in and learn about the
intimacy part, but it's like, you know what?
There there are stages.
And it really reminds me of how, you
know, Allah in the Quran
says that your, you know, your your spouse
is a tilt to you. Right? And, you
know, you you ponder that and you say,
like, what is what is that about? Right?
If a farmer you know, he can't just,
like, plant the seed. You gotta you gotta
prepare the, you gotta prepare
the soil. There's a lot of stages
before you can plant the seed and then,
like, expect fruits from it. Right? And so
that is such a beautiful analogy that Allah
uses
saying that there are steps, prerequisites, things that
we need to know and things we need
to do in order to have that. So,
you know, with our the pillar 1 is
all about, like, let's say, improving yourself, your
your self esteem. If you feel good about
yourself,
about your body, about what you have to
offer,
if you're in a good place, emotionally,
spiritually, psychologically,
guess what? You're gonna shine. You are gonna
feel good about yourself. And when you feel
good about yourself, guess what? The people around
you are going to admire you, especially your
spouse. So number 1 is to work on
yourself. So the second thing that we talked
about that is that the killer, right, the
killer of intimacy is when you don't feel
good about yourself, when you don't feel good
about your body, when you feel like, I'm
too I don't know. Some people think they're
too skinny or some people think they're too
fat or they're too whatever it is. I
know that
women struggle with their
self image, body image so much, and it
can lead to,
you know, taking extreme measures. There's,
eating disorders
or people starving themself, and we we don't
wanna use that approach. We wanna just look
at our body as an,
and we wanna take care of it, and
we wanna be at our best. And when
you're at your best, guess what? Your spouse
is gonna notice. And you are gonna be
able to feel good about yourself. Okay?
Then the third thing that will kill that
will kill intimacy
is this lack
of friendship.
Okay? So if you have a lack of
friendship and time together let's say let's take
the example
of a of a couple.
They don't see each other. Maybe they wake
up at different times. Maybe the husband goes
to work earlier, the wife wakes up. They
don't really spend time together at night. They
each do their own thing. Maybe they're on
social media. They're watching different shows. Weekend comes.
They're not really they're not connecting.
Right? So if you're not connecting
with your spouse, if you're not connecting
on a daily basis, Right? So I always
tell my the couples I work with, you
need daily connection. Right? That daily connection where
you meet up. What's going on? What's happening?
You know about their emotional state. You know
about what problems they have, what stresses they
have. I get surprised
when individuals, they will tell me
that they haven't talked to their spouse for
3 weeks.
3 weeks.
And and it's just unbelievable
that how this happens. So you stop talking
to your spouse. What's gonna happen? Right? You're
gonna even if there's this, like, you know,
there's a little bit of distance, what happens
over time is that you
feel like you're living with a stranger.
Like this person, I don't even know them
anymore. Who are they? Because on a daily
basis,
we are changing.
We are evolving. Right? We have new pressures.
We have new goals. We have new things
that are happening in our lives. And if
we're not connecting and kind of like, you
know, connecting the dots, sharing,
and getting feedback,
then we're gonna lose each other. And when
you don't know who this person is right?
This is it's like getting intimate with a
stranger.
Right? And if you don't have quality time
and that's why that's so critical
and it is important to find out
what is, you know, what are the love
languages. We know about the 5 love languages.
And for many, many women, it is quality
time. Right?
And for men, it's acts of service.
Acts of service, meaning that, oh, I'm I'm
going to work. I'm providing. I am you
know, I I got your car fixed.
I, you know, I did the I did
the lawn. I did the whatever it is
that you I hung the pictures. Right? I'm
showing you I love you. Or it could
be a man that says, you know what?
Acts of service, I am providing I have
opened up, you know, several
clinics
just to make more money so I can
get you the best vacations, the best homes.
But what is that wife feeling?
Unloved.
She feels unloved. I I didn't want I
didn't want the big house. Well, I mean,
it's nice, but I would prefer to have
more time with you. Right? It's like I
want that connection.
And many times when that is not there,
right, and the man can be baffled. Right?
I'm, like, giving her everything. I'm working 12
hours a day. I've provided the best vacations,
the best home. Everything is top notch.
What is she complaining about?
It has to do with
she's not getting your time. You are not
asking about her. You're not connecting. You're not
showing empathy.
How many women how many of you watching
feel like there's a lack of empathy in
your marriage? Just a show of hand. Just
a little bit of you know, let's have
a little feedback. So, you know, individuals will
not feel like they are completely alone.
Right? You find that most women are feeling
like, you know, I just don't feel
I just don't feel understood. I don't feel
like he cares. I don't feel like there's
there's any any feelings there. And how many
men feel like
I work so hard. There's no appreciation.
It's as if, like, okay, fine. You worked.
And there's a there's a comedian.
He actually talks about men's brain versus women's
brain. I don't remember his name right now,
but it's so funny because he talks about
how we have a different point system. Right?
We have a different point
system. When a man goes and he works
and he puts in this, you know, 8
to 10 hours, he gives himself
500 points. It's like, I got 500 points.
Right? But then what does the woman give
to the man for working all day?
One point. Right? And so what happens
is that we have this different
this this different point system.
And so there's a feeling of not being
loved, not feeling cared for, not feeling
appreciated.
And so when that happens, well, you know,
you're not gonna wanna be close to someone.
You don't wanna be intimate with someone you're
not close to. Right? So the showing of
affection, it's so amazing
what happens
when couples
start to show affection.
Now something I tell,
I, you know, I would tell you is
that foreplay
doesn't
doesn't begin
5 minutes before having physical intimacy.
It happens from the morning.
It happens from how you greet each other.
It happens when
you have the non sexual touch.
It is the caressing. It are it is
the hug. It's the compliment.
It's that quality time. It's being there and
saying, you know what? Let me do the
dishes tonight. You're really tired. Let me put
the kids to sleep. Right? So all of
that
has to do with foreplay. And when when
a woman feels like, oh my gosh, he's
really he's he is tuning into me. He
knows what, you know, what I what I
need. He is there for me. He's making
my life easier. He's making me feel great.
Then then the woman will open up to
that, to the intimacy. Now for for men,
a lot of times when they I have
noticed that
there are
some role reversals. There are some, you know,
with all that has happened in our societies,
and you find that many, many men are
wanting that emotional connection
as much as the women. Right? And I
see cases where the woman is not as
interested,
surprisingly,
and they're more into the act. So I'm
seeing all lots of changes,
especially in this past decade.
And you find that many men are just
like, you know what? If if she's not
showing any interest in me, if she's not
asking about my day, my work I mean,
I had one client. He had to deal
with you know, he was a physician
and his clients would they would die on
him and he would get so he would
get so worked up and so sad. And,
you know, sometimes the women are just completely
disconnected.
And I would say would you ever ask
about his work? It's like no. I don't.
I'm like Well, the man needs to also
feel appreciated. He needs to feel respected. And
And when he's respected and admired and appreciated,
he is going to naturally
wanna be intimate with you. Right? So we
gotta look at this relationship as like emotional
deposits.
When you make emotional
deposits,
what ends up happening
is that you open up. It's like, oh,
wow. Then what is it like? It's like
those individuals
who met and they were courting
and there was excitement and there was this
friendship. Right? When you have that friendship,
then you are open to the intimacy. So
it's very critical for us to make sure
that we have
that connection, the emotional connection.
Okay? So very quickly, the first one, what
what was the first killer?
The first killer was a lack of positive
association
to intimacy. Right? It's all that cultural baggage.
I would say cultural garbage
that has nothing to do with the deen
because we are told that you will be
rewarded.
Right? I the prophet
said to the Sahaba that you will be
rewarded when you do acts of intimacy, and
and they were surprised. Like, we're we're gonna
be rewarded for this? It's like, yes. Absolutely.
Because if you did it in the Haram,
you would be punished. But doing it in
the halal and I have a joke with
my with my couples. And I just say,
you know what? It's like enjoy your halal
meat. Right? A lot of times people are
searching outside of their marriage. They're trying to,
like, create that excitement because it's just not
there at home. There's no flirting. There's no
touching. There's no interaction. So people get desperate.
Sadly, they get desperate. And the best of
people,
people who are religious, they're maha jibas, they
are, you know, going to the mosque. They're
doing all that.
If they are in
a, you know, in a sexless marriage, sadly
sadly,
they may take routes to just try to
fulfill themselves. And sometimes it's had on routes.
Right? So that was the the baggage. We
know that we need to get rid of
that culture baggage. 2nd
was that lack of self esteem and body
image. We gotta work on ourself.
We gotta we gotta make sure that we
feel good. We don't have to be a
certain size. I'm not telling you to go
out there and, you know,
be look a certain way, but at least
make effort to be your best. Right? And
as long as you're making some kind of
effort.
Then it is, you know, having this lack
of friendship when you don't have time together.
And that is like something that I go
in-depth about. Like, how do you connect with
your spouse? How do you make them feel
loved? How do you light them up? Have
you ever woken up in the morning and
said, you know what? How can I how
can I just bring joy to my spouse?
When I tell that to most people, they're
just like, what?
Never thought about it. Right? But if you
start thinking about that and thinking, you know,
what were we doing during our courting period?
What was it that made us just like,
let's say very passionate for each other? Now
I know there are some people, maybe it
was arranged marriage, maybe it was like, you
know, you didn't know the person and it's
like you have to build to it, and
maybe it never existed. And I I feel
for you. I understand. I know that a
big population of the people I work with,
it was arranged. It was, you know, oh,
my you know, our parents were friends, and
so this is a good match. Right?
And so
you may have not experienced it in the
past, but it is possible
to experience it now because once you start
doing these things.
So when I say, you know, let's recapture
the courting period and, oh, well, I didn't
really have a courting period. I know what
you're talking about. I wasn't in love. I
wasn't even attracted. Right? So I get that,
but what I have seen is that when
people start applying these principles,
when they start feeling good about them, so
once they they start making the emotional deposits,
then what happens is that the person will
start opening up to it, and they'll start
enjoying.
They will have that friendship, and they'll be
like, you know what? This person is actually
you know, they are my source of comfort.
They are my source of comfort and this
is how Allah
intended
marriage to be.
That Allah has put what between you? That,
you know, it is the mercy
and compassion.
Right? And so
in love, love and compassion and mercy. So
if you're not providing that for your spouse,
you're not fulfilling.
You are not fulfilling
a, you know, a commandment of, like, what
marriage is supposed to be
like. Does your spouse come to you for
for comfort? Does your spouse come to you
to feel a sense of relief?
If you do that for your spouse, I
guarantee
your physical intimacy will be better. If you
feel that your spouse is there for you
through the thick and thin, It would be
like the prophet sallallahu alaihi salam and Khadija
radhiallahu anha at the time when he was
in such despair and devastation.
He didn't go to his other family members.
He didn't go to his his the Sahaba,
his friends. He went to his wife. He
went to his wife because she provided that
support. And I guarantee
if you provide that support to your spouse,
if you are there like that for your
husband, if you are there like that for
your wife, I bet you that you're well,
we shouldn't bet. Right? I guarantee
that your marriage and yours physical
intimacy
will be so much more fulfilling because that's
the place you can be vulnerable because it's
a person
that really gets you. Right? Now the 4th
and it's like and it goes with this.
So, first part, working on yourself. Right? 2nd
is that friendship. 3rd,
what Something I had overlooked is having that
God consciousness. Right? When you're God conscious,
you're not gonna be, let's say, greedy
in physical intimacy. You're not going to,
be selfish.
You're going to be very god conscious and
say, you know what? I I I want
to fulfill my spouse
and have it as a means to getting
closer to Allah and earning Jannah. Okay?
And then it's it's about, you know, conflict
resolution.
The lack of conflict resolution is what a
lot of people.
This is what gets them. Right? Because you
can't yell at your spouse during the day
and then expect some action at night. Okay?
It doesn't work that way. So when you're
mad, when you're sad, when you're neglected, when
you're frustrated,
you're not gonna wanna be intimate. It's just
common sense. And it's surprising
how people will not make that connection.
Okay?
You just called him a loser
and then you wanna be intimate. Or you
just yelled at her and said, you know,
I don't care about you or you're not
attractive, and then you wanna be intimate. Doesn't
work that way. Right? So you have to
know
how to resolve your problems. Because, look,
problems
are guaranteed.
Right? Allah has promised us that he will
test us.
Allah will test you
with loss, with hunger,
with all sorts of difficulties, and Allah's giving
glad tidings to the people who are patient.
So as life goes on, we are going
to be tested. We're gonna be tested with
our children, with our money, with our relationships,
with our marriage,
and how you learn how to solve those
problem. If you don't get if you don't
get it, if you don't know how to
solve problem, your marriage is gonna suffer. It
definitely is gonna suffer.
So a good marriage is not one without
conflict.
It is one who knows how to like
if you know how to resolve the conflict.
Okay?
So when you know how to resolve the
conflict
and you have an issue and you're able
to talk it through and you get to
a good solution,
right, you're gonna wanna be intimate with this
person because it's not how can you expect
your spouse who has just been humiliated,
just been sometimes,
you know, you've been physical with them. Okay?
Not the good physical. Right? It's like being
you know, shaking your spouse or grabbing them
or doing things like that. How do you
expect that person
to become vulnerable to you and and and
be intimate? Right? It just doesn't make logical
sense. So we need to learn how to
resolve those problems.
And then the 5th
killer is a lack of safety. Right? When
you don't feel
emotionally
connected,
when you don't feel safe. Because a lot
of times safety, you think, okay, physically, like,
okay, someone that there's no domestic violence and
may Allah help all of our
all the people who are tuning in who
may be suffering from this silently.
And I know there are women out there
who are who are oppressed, and there are
men out there who are oppressed. And I
and I pray that Allah helps our brothers
and sisters in those situations.
And the physical safety, that's one aspect of
it, but there's also a lack of emotional
safety. Right? It's this feeling of, yeah, you're
you're afraid to be mocked. Right? I had
I had some ladies tell me that, you
know, they would dress up. The the the
husband would just laugh at them. Right? Like,
how how degrading. Right? You're making an attempt
to initiate, to look good, and then the
person mocks your body.
Right? There might be this fear
of rejection.
Like, you're gonna take that initiative. You're gonna
put yourself on the line, and then the
person is like, I don't wanna. Right? And
it can go both ways. It could be
the woman. It could be the man. What
I'm seeing
so many women suffer from not being sexually
fulfilled.
So many of them. And they are stuck
because they can't really talk about it. And
that's why it's so amazing what sister Naima
Roberts is doing in having these
very challenging conversations. I remember
almost a decade ago when I was first
asked to talk about physical intimacy, took me
1 year of contemplation
doing a,
talking to the shoe, wondering if is this
appropriate? Is this you know, should we talk
about it? And I got the green flag,
yes. We need this because our marriages are
suffering.
And what I have seen is that individuals,
you know, the couples who they're in a
* starved
marriage.
They end up doing
one of many things. It's either they will,
you know, they they will
cheat and this happens or they will go
a haram route. I don't even wanna list
all the things that I have seen and
heard upon Allah. So what we need to
do is safeguard our marriage from infidelity
by
having
good intimate relationship. It actually
protects you
from going in the Haram. Okay? So that
safety
is making sure that you are not going
to be ridiculed. You're not gonna be,
made fun of. You're not gonna be rejected.
Okay?
And then it's about
what is the next killer, the lack of
communication. You know how many couples have admitted
that they never
talked about intimacy?
How do you expect
to to be fulfilled if you're not giving
giving any kind of feedback if you don't
talk about it. Right? I mean, I have
some couples who actually
can never get the message across
that they are interested.
I have people who have to come up
with code words. Now I'm not, you know,
if that's how it is, if you're that
shy and you need to have that
as a method.
I'm not knocking it. I actually suggest it
to some people.
And so some people will use, you know,
I would like some dessert
tonight.
And it's you know, it might
be surprising to you, but this is how
it goes back to that, the cultural baggage.
Right? We shouldn't. Good good girls don't talk
about this. We shouldn't talk about it. A
lot of men, they feel, I'm embarrassed to
talk about it. Right? Well, I didn't know.
I thought you want I I didn't know
you want it. I wanted it's, like so
confusing.
So it's a matter of if you don't
talk, how can you express to be expect
to be fulfilled? So I like to use
an analogy
that is like imagine if a waiter comes
to you and says, what would you like?
And you're like,
guess.
Guess what it I mean, it's just it
would be absurd. Right? And if you don't
say
if you order, let's say, the meal and
you're very specific, the more specific you are,
the more likely it is that you'll get
what you want. Right? So if you say,
I would like to have a steak medium
rare and I would like mashed potatoes,
a side of broccoli, I don't know whatever
it is, and you order it, then guess
what? It's more likely that you will get
it. But if you're just like, oh, you
know, I expect you to read my mind,
then we're gonna be in trouble. Right? So
another aspect of this is the lack of
education.
Right? Like, that that kills. That kills it
because if you don't know, right, it's if
you don't
know about intimacy. You were not given to
talk. I don't you know, I kid you
not. I was giving a talk to the
youth, and there are about a 100 of
them, like 50 girls, 50 guys.
And there was such a
misconception.
Right? A lot of the women, a lot
of the girls, they were so overly protected.
1, the father even told them told her
that if a guy touches you, that you
will get pregnant and send her off to
to
public schools. Right? And then there are the
guys, and then they they have seen and
heard and done everything. So you have, like,
this yeah. Just such a mismatch.
And I literally had a girl come up