Naima B. Robert – Candid Conversations Sisters’ Callin!
AI: Summary ©
The OGs will be hosting virtual marriage conferences and workshops for their sisters on emotional regulation. attendees will be given a ticket to attend live or online, participate in a workshop on emotional regulation, and find a good partner for a woman who is struggling to find a spouse, finding a partner for a woman who wants her provision, finding a partner for a woman who wants her provision, finding a partner for a woman who wants her provision, finding a partner for a woman who wants her provision, finding a partner for a woman who wants her provision, and finding a partner for a woman who wants her provision. They stress the importance of privacy, finding a good partner, and finding something attractive for a man or woman, and drawbacks. They also mention upcoming events and online registration for the Insha' tet event.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah Assalamu alaikum
Hey guys, Assalamu alaikum let me know if
you can hear me,
if you can see me,
if you can hear me and you can
see me then we are doing well. Masha'Allah
Tabarakallah. I need my glasses, sorry.
Right, we've got
a mixed group today mashallah.
We've got a mixed group this week, we've
got
Facebook and YouTube all up in one place.
So I'm very interested to see how that's
gonna go. Guys, give me salaams.
For the OGs in the house, you know
what we do? We put down our locations.
So those of you who are joining me
for the first time live from Facebook, please
do
give a big salaam
and tell us where in the world you're
listening from.
And those of you, my OGs from YouTube,
you know how we do. We put those
locations in the chat.
Yes. Your girl, Naima b Robert, is back.
I have had
a a truly
life changing visit to, Australia.
I was there for
just over a week
with my sister, Laiyen Kasani,
and my two daughters, and we were hosted
by Ustada Dalia
Ayub,
and and just so many beautiful sisters in
Australia.
I will, Inshallah, be recording a video about
it, so please do stay tuned for that.
But today is candid conversations
night. It's Friday.
Those of you who don't know, we typically
go live. It's usually myself and my cohost,
brother Nasir Al Amin, but he unfortunately
has lost his voice.
So
he asked me to find out which sister
on here put dine on him
so that he was not able to come
here and speak his speech.
Alright. I wanna see in the chat if
anybody will own up to being the sister
who put the on
brother Nasir so that he could not come
up here and speak his speech. Because at
the moment his voice is
done. Okay? So
please guys do make dua for him to,
to to heal,
because he needs to be
on top form for next weekend because we
are meant to be speaking at the marriage
crisis conference in London.
And if you've been following me,
you'll see on Facebook, on Instagram, and on
YouTube, I put the information out about the
conference
that we've been invited to speak at,
this next weekend. Inshallah.
So Saturday, there's a big conference happening at
Canhall Masjid in East London.
You can attend live, which we would love
for you to do. There's plenty of space
for brothers and sisters.
There are still free spots available, guys. So
please, inshallah,
I will put the link in the chat
so that you can register
and just grab your free ticket to the
conference, okay, if you're able to join us
in East London
on,
on Saturday. Saturday coming up, I will be
there.
Brother Nasir will be there flying in from
abroad. We've got, the imam of the masjid
will be speaking
maybe,
just maybe,
a a brother that some of you know,
some of you may love, and some of
you may not love will be there as
well. I call him Lanfain Terrible when he
comes on this channel.
I wanna know if anybody can guess
who will be speaking
and who who do I normally call Lanfante
Rhibe? He's been on this channel a couple
of times. I've been on his channel a
couple of times, and I call him Lanfante
Riebel because he's a, he's a naughty guy.
But if you keep those of you, the
OGs, I'm sure you know who I'm talking
about. Please do tell me in the chat.
King Sultan says, Yousef Chowdhury. Nope. That is
incorrect.
Let's keep the guesses going. Who is Lanfante
Rhib, who Inshallah will be joining us at
this marriage crisis conference,
on the weekend?
Uh-huh.
The correct answer is yes. Lanfante rebel himself.
It will be Mahdi Jerni is also going
to be there. Also Abu Ali will be
there inshallah speaking,
And we're gonna be talking about a host
of things.
For those of you who are not aware,
you can join us
on Saturday
from 10 to 4 at Khan Hall Masjid
in London, East London,
but you can also register to watch the
live stream.
And the live stream will only be available
to those who have registered.
So you need to make sure that you
go on that link that I've put in
the chat
and register
whether you're going to be online or
attending live. You do need to register. Okay.
So make sure that you do that so
that you don't miss this conference.
And, really, what I wanted for this conference
to be was those who are struggling to
get married,
those who are, you know, struggling to keep
their marriages together, those who are trying to
heal,
or even find out how to best prepare
the next generation for marriage, which we've been
talking about. We are going to be discussing
all of those issues Insha'Allah. So, you know,
you do not want to miss that. And
this conference is just a precursor. It's just
a taster because
the big secret of successful marriages is coming
up at the end of the year inshallah.
You don't wanna miss either of them. So
get yourselves
to that link.
Register. The ticket is free whether you're attending
live or online.
I have said to the organizers
that I think that we can get 1,000
people on the live stream. What do you
guys think?
Give me a yes in the chat if
you think that we can get a 1,000
people on the live stream. 1,000 people registering
to attend the live stream, to to watch
the conference. What do you guys think? Give
me a yes in the chat if you
think we can do that.
Yeah. My YouTube people, they know. Don't worry.
Facebook people will grow as well. We're gonna
teach you guys the ways.
So if you haven't registered,
but you know you wanna watch the live
stream, which you know you do, then go
on the link
and register your place. Because I want brother
Mizan to see that when sister Naima asked
her people
and she told her people about it, the
numbers went up. Okay? So give me an
up in the chat if you are going
to register tonight.
Right? And if you can join us live,
it's still free. Alhamdulillah, of course, we wanna
meet you. Of course, we wanna have you
there live. It's still free. So go and
register. Okay. That's what I wanna see. I
wanna see the numbers going up. And then
the next day I'll be running a workshop
for sisters
about how to understand your value as a
Muslim wife, and brother Nasir will be running
a workshop for brothers and sisters
on emotional regulation.
Okay? So the the workshops are paid, but
they're only £20.
So, again,
online or in person, it's still £20.
It's still not that much of a an
investment in your marital future inshallah. So that
is the end of the spiel for me.
I just wanna see those numbers going up
guys. Okay. That is what I wanna see.
So
let us
let us thought this. Subhanallah. Subhanallah. Subhanallah. Okay.
So,
I've got some so let's let's do this,
guys. I just got back from Australia.
I want to say yesterday.
Yes. I got back from Australia yesterday,
and, I'm I'm not quite jet lagged because
I have been catching up on sleep, but
I am
I'm still trying to process.
I my son was left here, and I
went with my daughters. And I'm still
I'm still trying to
to process
this trip
and what it meant.
So I don't have a lot of talk
today.
I'm sorry. Normally, you know, I come on
here and I choose violence,
but that's just not me today. Okay? So
I hope that's alright.
Maybe we can do a an ask me
anything.
I would like to hear one of the
the the the,
the the the the topics that came to
my mind was asking sisters
why
they said no to the guy they said
no to
just to see what it is that is
disqualifying brothers when they are making proposals.
If you guys think that's a good idea,
we can do it today or we can
do it on another session. I don't mind.
Or we can just do an ask me
anything. You guys can ask any questions and
I'll answer them. And we'll just spend a
bit of time together inshallah.
I've given you what I wanted to give
you, which was
a big push to go and register and
grab your space for this for next weekend's
conference inshallah.
So I've got some nice questions here. Frakhan
says, have you ever thought of inviting non
Muslim psychotherapists,
e. G. Esther Perel
or Gabor Mate to address the issue of
addictions.
Yes. I think what I would like to
do,
as
my goal, Inshallah, for yes. The answer is
yes. We have thought about it. Yes. I
have thought about it. I think that my
reading needs to deepen.
I think my level of of knowledge needs
to needs to deepen.
And,
you know, my knowledge base needs to widen
before bringing on those types of people. I
think the channel needs to grow as well.
And we're edging our way to 50 k.
If you haven't, subscribed to the channel, then
take a minute to do so now.
And if you like the video, then please
just do give us a thumbs up inshallah.
But, yeah, I think that the channel needs
to grow. I think my knowledge base needs
to grow as well.
But definitely open to having those conversations and
getting knowledge from wherever it can be found.
That's
always a good thing. Can you see how
the numbers are impacted by Facebook? Because this
is going live on Facebook as well. That's
why we've got 323
people watching. So make sure that you guys
have hit the like button, please. Make sure
you have hit the like button.
Alright. So if we're going to what are
we gonna do guys? Give me,
we need to choose. Okay. We're gonna do
a poll because like I said, I don't
have a lot of talk in me today.
So let's do a poll to see what
we're gonna use this time for. Give me
a one
if you want to do an ask me
anything to do with the, obviously, the topics
on the channel,
put 1 in the chat. 2, if you
want, us to talk about how sisters can
how sisters have,
you know,
what what has made sisters say no to
brothers before.
Okay? So sisters, this is for you. Alright?
This is only a call in for sisters,
not for brothers today. It's only a call
in or a type in for sisters. Alright?
I want to know
those brothers that you said no to or
those proposals that you turned down, what was
the main reason for you turning it down?
In fact, I might put that on the
thing. Hold on.
Okay. So I'm just gonna put this no.
No. No. No. No. No. No.
Oh, yes. I remember that topic. That was
good. That was a a funny topic. Okay.
Topic.
What were your
reasons
for any
others?
What have
your reasons been?
Paying down brothers. Okay.
So
let's save that.
I'm gonna show that.
So, sisters, this is for you. Okay? This
is for you
to either call in,
no. Not that.
For for you to call in
or to put a comment up,
and I will highlight it.
Alright. So let's find out why are the
brothers the brothers,
bombing?
Why are the brothers not
securing
the bag?
Sisters, let me know how many sisters do
we have here. What are some of the
reasons that you have turned down brothers in
the past? I need to know. I'm seeing
a lot of brothers on this chat. I
don't know whether we're going to,
I don't know whether we're gonna get,
how much we're gonna get from people, but
let's see how we go.
Mohammed says, I've got a new baby daughter,
and I expect you to write more children's
books and establish an Islamic school for girls
in London. Oh, I see. Thank you very
much. Well, alhamdulillah, I have written
several books for children, and alhamdulillah,
I've been responsible for dozens more being published
because I'm an editor and a book coach.
So some books that you'll see out there,
you wouldn't even know that I had something
to do with them. But,
yeah, I do, I was involved, Alhamdulillah.
So in terms of children's books, masha'Allah,
the market is bigger and bigger and bigger
all the time. As for establishing an Islamic
school for girls in London, that will never
happen,
because I don't live in London, and I
don't intend to ever live in London, but
there are schools,
in London.
And,
I also
potentially, maybe in the future, would open a
school for girls in my country, but that's
probably very far from you. So never mind.
Alhamdulillah.
So let's see what else.
Kifair says getting a good platform for searching
partners is too difficult. Now, seriously, guys, are
you are you serious?
What's the deal?
There's so many. I mean, we know about
the,
you know, the big ones that everybody complains
about, like, you know, Muzmatch or single Muslim,
but there are so many others as well.
I thought I thought there was sunnah match.
I thought there was half your deen.
Like, what's the what's up? Like, why is
searching for a partner too difficult? There
there are platforms out there,
and there are
good platforms out there. I know people who've
been married, who found a partner on Muzmatch.
People found a partner on pure matrimony.
People have found a partner on,
you know, on,
like, what's it called? Sunnahmatch.
I I think people are finding partners everywhere,
like like husbands and getting married. Right? I
found a partner. I found
So, I don't know what's happening with the
Internet, guys. I'm sorry. But, like,
why are we saying that the it's too
difficult? Come on. I'm gonna press you on
this. What's what's difficult?
Well, I've just mentioned the good platforms. Anybody
who's had experience with the platforms,
please do let you know, let like, put
it in the chat.
But, you know, I I know of
people who have found
their matches
on all the platforms that I named.
Right? So
what's the deal?
Right? Why is it that we're not finding
what we are looking for?
Is it because
the person that you're looking for is not
on the right platform?
Yes. I have mentioned pure mat and when
I say mention a good platform, it very
much depends on what you are looking for.
But pure matrimony is a good platform.
Sunnahmatch is a good platform.
Muzmatch, there are good people on there. I'm
not gonna say it's a good platform, but
there are good people on there. There are
good people on half your deen. There are
good people on single Muslim dot com, you
know, and of course, you know, there is
family, friends, the local masjid, etcetera.
So, you know, we need to I don't
know.
Obviously, everybody's experience is different. Right? And when
you're dealing with those sites with, like millions
of people,
it can be overwhelming,
right? Can get really overwhelming and very tiring
as well.
Very tiring to kind of sift through, especially
if you're on some, like,
what are some of the other ones? Muslima.com
and stuff, which are, like, international,
which is just like, got, like, just millions,
millions of people, and everybody keeps just, like,
liking you. Just if you're in the right
age range, then you just like you and,
you know, it's, it's tough.
But
inshallah,
if you are
diligent and you are committed, it can happen
because I know people, brothers and sisters who
maybe have been through
a long process, a year, 2 years, 3
years of having conversations with people on those
platforms.
And then they find that one gem,
They find that one gem,
they match,
they get along, and in the end,
they get married.
So, you know, it does happen. And then
there are still profess they are still personal
matchmakers.
I've got somebody here saying Mawaddah
is cool. I haven't heard of it, but,
if she's sister says it's cool, then.
Right? Oh, she says,
thanks for reading comments.
Says this show
is
is is is built around your comments.
So, yeah, please
please bring them. Saif says, your knowledge base
surely needs to grow. You use kuffar terms
that don't help Muslims. Well, that's,
I agree that it needs to grow, but
as for using kuffar terms that don't help
Muslims, we live in a world that is
basically modeled on the life of the kuffar,
and we speak their language. So,
yeah, I think that's a bit strong, but,
hamdulillah, that's your opinion.
Please make dua for your sister that Allah
increases me in beneficial knowledge
and allows me to benefit the people of
the Inulin. Most importantly, benefit myself and my
family.
Amin. That is the most important thing.
Right. Okay. So sis says okay. So these
are some of the reasons why people got
got axed.
Unfortunately, we've been ingrained with the idea of
first completing studies before getting married. So some
brothers got rejected because I was still studying.
Oh, subhanAllah. So wrong time. Yes. That must
be difficult.
I wonder if, sis, did you find somebody
afterwards? Do you think that it would have
been a better move? And in fact, what
is your advice?
If you have if you yourself are in
that position or you had a sister in
that position or you have a daughter
and she's studying,
but
a a proposal comes from you know, a
a good proposal comes,
what's your advice? What do you think that
she should do?
Too many requirements nowadays.
I wonder what some of those requirements are.
I think I agree with you. I think
that's definitely what's been reflected by so many,
so many brothers and sisters,
but I'd love to hear, Mariam, what you
what other requirements that you are hearing that
you think are too much.
You are so afraid to get married to
somebody who's not responsible
or a bad person.
Yeah. Well, you know what? This is the
reality of meeting somebody online.
If it's not a family friend, if they're
not in your community,
it's,
you know, it's risky, right? That's why some
people say,
you're liking Sultan.
There's no better platform than doing it in
real life.
That's I guess why people prefer that to
pan Allah
or if your Islamic center is doing a
good job, then they can provide, you know,
matrimonial services and they really should do that
subhanAllah. Oh, I don't know. So sis is
the few good people nowadays. Most people are
bad people. SubhanAllah. You know, sis, if this
is a sister,
Yeah, it is. Allahu Alam, you know?
It's tough because, I don't I don't know
whether I agree with that mainly because I
don't know many bad people.
And I'm sure everybody on this channel is
a good person, but they may not be
ready, or they may have certain personality traits
or issues that you cannot tolerate,
which is fair enough.
But but I don't know. What do you
guys think? Do you think I wonder if
I I wish I could put a poll
up here. Do you think that this is
true,
that most people are bad people these days?
What's your experience, guys? If you agree, put
agree in the chat, and if you disagree,
put disagree in the chat.
Because this is quite a big,
a very big belief to walk around with
that there are only few good people and
that most people are bad.
So if you agree, if that's what your
experience is, put agree in the chat and
put disagree in the chat if you don't
agree.
So
Basma says, I'm on this table. We got
scammed as a mentality of finish your degree
first, right after the degree. I hear you
says, this is definitely one of the things
that we must correct in this generation moving
forward. We cannot be the same parents telling
our daughters and well, daughters especially,
get your degree first, get your masters first,
and then you get married. Right? And that's
a change that we can definitely make.
So sis says the reason I turned him
down that he was childish, egocentric,
and arrogant. Fair enough. I'm glad you were
able to see that beforehand.
Samantha, simply because I saw no chemistry with
the other person. Hey. No chemistry.
What can we do, man?
No chemistry is no chemistry. You can't manufacture
it. How do you fight against aging out
left on the shelf? I don't know, sis.
If I had the answer for that, I
would be a millionaire by now.
I mean, there are different things that people
suggest
people suggest, you know,
maybe looking at your standards and asking yourself,
which of these are true deal breakers and
which of these can I tolerate?
Right?
Some people suggest,
you know,
opening your options up to consider being married
to someone who's already married and has proven
himself. Right? Who may not be looking for
somebody as young or whatever the case may
be.
Other people propose completely different things.
They propose, like, getting on with your life
and enjoying your life and having fun and
not making marriage such a priority.
So it really does depend on
what you firstly, what resonates with you and
what you think makes the most sense.
Like I said, if my co host was
here, I know exactly what he would say,
and you guys know what he would say.
If,
our brother Nasr was here and this question
was posed, put in the chat for my
OGs. What would he say?
I wanna know what he would say. I
wanna see who who pays attention.
So most of the websites of Matrimonial is
not good. They're a lot to wade through,
but there are good people on there.
There are.
We we know that there are.
Oh, another reason for saying no is getting
a proposal from men who are too old.
I wonder, what is too old? What do
you guys think? What is too old for
a sister?
Like, how much
like, how what's the age gap that you
would not accept? Is 10 years older than
you too much?
15?
20?
What do you think?
This is an OG from the channel. I'm
focusing slowly on a marriage course. So seminars
can be done to go through the pros
and cons of marriage so people can enter
marriage better prepared.
Fatiha is asking the same question as me.
What is too old? King Sultan says most
women are feminists these days.
Fatima disagrees disagrees
that most men most people are bad. Okay.
I hope there's better material already there that
we can use and share for every masjid.
There is, And there are people who are
teaching this. You know some of these people.
Mariam Lemmel has a course,
sisters,
sister Halib Banani has a course. There are
there is information out there. So let's see
all the people who disagree, oh, who disagree
that the majority of people are bad.
Quite a few
disagree.
Fatima, we just said different places morally. That's
a tough one, man. That's a tough one.
Like, if you have different levels of deen
in terms of your your values,
I would say that that's a deal breaker.
Guys, shoot me. Yeah. But I do think
if you are not on the same page
when it comes to your fundamental values,
Yani, it's not a match. I don't know.
Shoot me if I'm wrong. But I do
think that that's, that's a deal breaker, especially
if you're going to be starting a family
together. Right? That's that's a really big issue.
So,
okay, let's see.
Siman says some sisters are so afraid of
marriage because of coming from broken families or
having older sisters who are all divorced,
hence the belief of bad people. I agree.
I agree. I think the more we can
own the fact that our beliefs are based
on what we've seen and how we've processed
that,
we can hopefully
be aware that this is my belief based
on what I know. It's not the truth.
It's not the reality. It is my perception
and what the meaning I have taken from
what I've seen or what I've experienced. Right?
And it might be helpful to do some
work on that because typically when you believe
that there are bad people everywhere, you tend
to find bad people everywhere, right? Give me
a yes in the chat if you know
what I'm talking about. If you believe that
people are dishonest,
you
somehow manage to bring dishonesty out in people,
or you see dishonesty in everyone
because your brain is looking. They say that
the brain is scanning the environment to see
to to basically back up your belief, which
is that people are dishonest. Right?
So I don't know. Let me give me
a yes in the chat, guys, if you
agree with that. So Hajar says 10 years
is the limit. 10 years
older. Okay. So
fair enough. But Fatima says my husband is
13 years older and it's perfect. It's easy
to respect him.
May Allah bless you and your marriage in
every way.
Getting proposals from older men old enough to
be your father. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. That's
a bit of a bit of a tough
one. Bit of a tough one. By the
way, I meant why I disagree. People are
at different levels. You just find someone close
to you that you can grow with 100%
sis. I agree with you.
I agree with you.
I'm the eldest now as I'm 32, and
I broke off an engagement because he wasn't
ready.
Listen. If a man's not ready, he's not
ready. There's nothing you can do about that.
I had a sister speaking to me in
Australia, and she was talking about, you know,
reconciling with her husband,
but her husband did not want
to get back together.
So
may Allah forgive me, but I just said
to her, well, if he doesn't want you,
he doesn't want you. You can't force a
man to want you.
There's there's no negotiation
there. Right? Like if he doesn't want you,
hollas,
Unfortunately,
but brothers in the chat, and maybe sisters
who've experienced this,
was I wrong to say that?
Because she said, I just want to make
sure that I've done everything that I could
do.
And they're try you know, she's trying to
have those conversations, and he's just like, no.
It's over.
So if a man tells you
your husband
divorces you
and
does not want to reconcile and does not
want you back,
is there any way that you can change
his mind?
I don't think there there's anything you can
do.
Fatih says no. When it's done, it's done.
And I think, like, what would you do
to get him back? Go groveling to him
and saying, please take me back.
You know, I'll do anything.
And I just think that that's that's not
the look. I just think that that's not
if he does take you back
in that situation, in that state,
I just I fear that that marriage and
that relationship would be permanently
tainted by the fact that he didn't want
you, and you begged and pleaded, and
then he felt sorry for you, and he
took you back. But again, guys,
sometimes I'm speaking from a place of privilege,
and I know that. So let me know
if you if you think that that was
wrong.
For Kansas, I think you're right. It's not
about living for a week, month, or a
year. You cannot force someone, right, to spend
the rest of their life with you. Allahu
Mustaan. It's true.
Exactly. Exactly.
Yeah. Sarah Huda, you get the prize. He
would say, consider polygamy,
open up your options.
Right? Okay. So let's see what Samaya says.
She says with the other guy, I rejected
it immediately because of how my parents introduced
me to him. When I said that I
don't like him, they snapped and lectured. Now
I'm 2 steps behind my willingness to marry.
Oh no, sis.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I hope that you, when you said you
didn't like him, that you you had really
good reasons for not liking him. I'm sure
you did. I'm sure you did your due
diligence.
But please don't allow your parents'
response,
which probably wasn't a measured response. Right? They
just snapped in the moment.
Don't allow that to get in the way
of your happiness, sis. K?
Because not getting married to spite your parents
is literally cutting off your nose to spite
your face. Right? Give me a yes in
the chat if you guys know what I'm
talking about.
Refusing
to consider proposals
or refusing to get married
in order to spite your parents because you're
upset with them or because you don't like
the way they're handling it or whatever,
is literally
cutting off your nose to spite your own
face.
You're the one who will suffer in the
end, and I'm sure they would prefer for
you to be married. Yes. It's a nice
to have for them, but for you, this
is like a life step.
Right? And it's something that will have an
impact on the whole rest of your life.
So
try to separate
your parents,
your parents,
you know, response that kind of put you
on the defensive, try to separate their response
from the goal of finding somebody. Yeah. Alhamdulillah.
Can I just offer some perspective?
Alhamdulillah,
you have parents who are involved because we've
had sisters on this channel whose families refuse
to get involved,
refuse to help them,
refuse to to accept any suitors.
Right? I'm sure you've all heard stories like
that, where the sister wants to get married,
maybe there's even someone she has in mind,
and the parents point blank refuse.
They will not even consider anything. They don't
wanna hear anything about it. And the sisters
there, all 29 years old, and she's like,
please, I wanna get married. And they're like,
nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. So
alhamdulillah, your parents are involved. Maybe they're being
a bit overbearing.
Right? But keep your eyes on the prices.
Keep your eyes on the prize. You want
to find a good man.
Okay. Don't let your parents
blow
out, get in the way of that. So
I hope that that's helpful.
Give me a yes in the chat if
it is inshallah.
You can change his mind, his mind if
it was a mistake the wife made, you
can show your sincerity and convince him how
you changed. I agree with this.
If he divorced you because you made a
mistake, yes. Then you go back, you have
the humility, you swallow your pride, and you
you make amends, and you, you know, you,
you swallow your pride, and you you make
amends,
and you, you know, you, you make amends,
and you you you you you show him
that you are penitent, and you
ask him to give you another chance. In
this case, there was infidelity on his part.
So I don't think it really applies, unfortunately,
in his case.
For context, I had the option of turning
someone down, but I didn't have the courage
to do that. I was not forced or
anything like that, but I just could not
say no.
That's a tough one. Or could not quit
the relationship during the engagement phase. SubhanAllah.
It's tough when family have invested
so much in a proposal. Right? Whether it's
money, time, family connections,
Saab, and definitely something you need to kind
of weigh up very heavily because it is
the rest of your life, isn't it, at
the end of the day?
So she says that was the mistake I
did with my ex. I'm married thinking I
wanted to punish my parents.
Oh, I got the beating of my life
in the marriage.
And I'm so sorry for you. May Allah
make it easier.
Since my first marriage meeting, I didn't have
the heart to reject him even though I
knew a few minutes in I wasn't for
him. I just let him decide, and thankfully
he said no. You're lucky. Look,
gave you a way out. Imagine if he
had said no. Yes. Definitely. I mean, aren't
you feeling it? Like, doesn't this feel right
to you? And you're like,
so alhamdulillahrubalalameen.
So I wish you was the right person.
As the prophet Muhammad says, religious man, sallallahu
alaihi salam, a religious man have good behavior.
No, sis, you know, we know what to
do. We go for the man with deen
and character.
That's your baseline.
That's our baseline.
Brothers, the baseline is Dean.
Right? As we know,
we look at beauty,
lineage wealth, etcetera, but the baseline is Dean.
And so sisters, and I would say Dean
and character for all like across the board,
that's the baseline.
Yeah. Society and culture can, you know, at
the end of the day, society and culture
is not going to be there on your
mokayama and society and culture is not going
to be there in your house when you're
navigating that relationship.
Neither is family to be fair, but, hey,
we won't say too much about that.
If sisters didn't date and went the halal
route, they wouldn't be mad at their parents
refusing a suitor. Well, it depends. Maybe he
was a really good guy or he ticked
all your boxes, but your parents saw something
that you didn't see.
Husband shouldn't divorce his precious wife for no
reason. Ah, you'd be surprised.
You would be surprised.
King Sultan. What does that mean? Beauty, too
much good in a wife. What does that
mean?
Alright.
It's not about marriage. It's about sending a
message.
Kaizen, you're gonna Kaizen Jose, you're gonna have
to explain to us. Dean is the baseline.
Right? Dean is the baseline at the end
of the day.
And, you know, for
for all the
issues, we we we must hold to that,
that if there is deen and character there
and compatibility,
like, you know, a basic compatibility,
we can build something together.
And I'm so sorry, sis, to hear that.
May Allah grant you healing
in every single way and replace what you
lost with better.
I know many, many people who've been through,
you know, who've been through tough times, but
as they say, tough times never last.
Only tough people last.
So don't forget that, sis. Okay? Listen to
the talk that I delivered in Australia, guys.
I will be uploading it to the YouTube,
but it's on my Instagram at the moment
about accepting the assignment.
Very, very powerful.
I do not take credit for it whatsoever.
That talk was from Allah.
Just that I I was just the the
vehicle. I was just the vessel. I I
don't even know where it came from. But
when
I
was hearing what I was saying, I was
like, oh, no. This is actually
extremely powerful and very pertinent.
So I suggest
go on my Instagram, watch the video, which
is the the the Melbourne
conference talk, and it will be up on
YouTube this week.
Alright.
So, Somayya says thank you so much for
the advice. I've been trying to improve my
mindset. Also, is it a good enough reason
to reject him because of his looks?
By the way, looks is not even my
priority. I don't think it's a good idea
sisters to reject a man based on looks.
And again, looks is subjective. Right? Because there's
hottie,
wow, wow guy,
and there's your average guy. And then there's
a guy who really is like, when you
look at him, it's you're repulsed. Okay?
I don't suggest going for the one who
you can't even look at his face.
Not such a good idea,
but if he's an average looking guy and
you can find something to like about him,
be it his smile, his eyes, his hands,
his skin, his beard,
Gayani.
If you can find that, it will it
will grow on you. Trust me.
So many people I know,
the love of their life, the man that
was their ride or die, the man that
they they they did life with, and it
was amazing,
he didn't look like a male model.
He wasn't a 9 or a 10 and
all of that kind of thing. You know?
He wasn't the guy who turned heads in
the street,
but he had a kind smile.
You know? Or the way he carried himself
was particularly attractive. What you're looking for is
attraction,
not whether somebody
looks like your ideal guy or looks like
you think your husband should look like. You
know?
For example, height. Okay? I don't think that
height should be a factor personally.
If I disqualified
on the basis of height,
I wouldn't have married my husband and had
15 years and 5 children with him. And
I wouldn't be here talking to you today
because he was, I think, 58 or 59.
Just that just a tiny bit taller than
me. For some people, that's an absolute no.
I can't consider that.
Personally, I don't think it's very wise, unless
of course you have proposals
proposals
coming your way all the time, and you
can afford to be picky. But nowadays,
you know,
it's a tough one. It's, it's not really
the easiest,
in the,
even if you're getting lots of proposals,
are they quality proposals?
Are they real proposals? Are these all people
that you could see yourself marrying and and
having a life with?
And if they are, mashaAllah Tabarakallah, you must
be in the top 5%. So alhamdulillah, if
you are, then choose the very best of
them, pray your istikhara and enjoy Bismillah.
Right.
Deen, sincerity towards Allah,
very important and compatible characters.
Right.
Now let's see here.
Because I didn't want to turn down someone
I married knowing full well I do not
love him.
Well,
as for love, before you marry,
that's debatable.
I think it's nice to have. It's nice
when you, like,
fall for the person before you marry them.
But is it a must for the relationship
to be a good relationship and for there
to be love there?
I would argue that not necessarily. It very
much depends on the mindset, but hey, what
do I
know? Now we're divorced after having a child,
but my life has never been the same.
I wish I had been resilient
and refused my parents' wish.
May Allah make it easy, sis. May Allah
make it easy. We're all on this journey
just learning and growing. Saif says, what's your
take on a Muslim man who has choices
between a Christian and a Muslim woman? Both
are chased, but the Christian is more attractive
to him. At the end of the day,
what is your goal? Right? If your goal
is to
be with somebody in halal
and to to have a partner in halal,
then it's it's, you know and it's maybe
more of a physical thing, then you take
what's most attractive to you. Right? But few
people are marrying just to satisfy
a need in that way.
Most people when they marry, they're looking to
build something.
And you really need to consider, as a
man,
who is the woman that I want to
be the mother of my children?
That's the bottom line at the end of
the day. That should be your criteria.
And if you're not attracted to the Muslim
woman, don't marry her. Wait for another one
that you are attracted to. So surely these
2 are not your only options. Right? So
I definitely think having a long term view
is the wisest. And we've got lots of
people from Nigeria here in the chat. So
I'd love for any of our brothers and
sisters in Nigeria to offer your insight on
what happens
when a Muslim man marries a Christian woman.
What happens to the children and what happens
to the deen in the household?
Let me know in the chat and I'll
highlight your comments because I know that this
happens a lot in Nigeria, especially amongst the
Yoruba.
So can you let me know,
in the chat what happens typically when a
Muslim man marries a Christian woman? What happens
in the home and what happens with the
children? And I'm gonna highlight that inshallah because
I know it's not very common in a
lot of other countries. It's not that common.
So we don't have experience of how the
dynamic works. But in Nigeria, it is common,
and we know how the dynamic works. So
I want us to learn from each other
Insha'Allah.
Alright.
So is it okay to say no, if
you don't feel okay with it? Like if
you don't feel okay with something you shouldn't
say yes, because
marriage is such a personal, intimate thing and
it's such a huge commitment.
So the question is why don't you feel
okay with it? That's for me a more
useful question.
Why do I not feel okay with this?
Is it because I'm not attracted to him?
Is it because I'm getting a vibe?
Is it because he doesn't live up to
my expectations?
Because some of those things need to be
taken seriously and others you need to do
some reflection and some self work yourself.
So that's the question I would ask. Why
do you not feel okay with it? And
if those are legitimate reasons, then how do
you not how do you go ahead with
that?
I'm sure no man on here, and
I could be wrong,
but I'm sure no man on here wants
to be married to a woman who is
not into him, who doesn't like him, who
when she looks at him, she feels ill.
Does anybody want that?
Whether it's for the number one spot, number
2 spot, number 3 spot, number 4 spot,
I'm sure none of you would like to
marry
and agree to protect and provide a woman
who, when she looks at you, she feels
disgust. I'm sure you don't.
Bear with me one second, guys. Let me
get to these, chats here.
Yes.
Right. So,
yes, something to like about him.
Says, do you believe you're just having and
knowing that the person is right for you
when you meet him?
I've been told by all my married friends
you just get a feeling. Sometimes, yes. I
think sometimes, yes. There's a click. It's not
always the way, and it's not necessary for
that to be the case. But, yeah, it
is it is very, very common for you
just to to click and you just feel
something
and yeah, it is what it is.
Complex PTSD and toxic families, sometimes one needs
to make a stand for what's right regarding
the sister being forced. No. I I I
I don't believe
anybody can be forced to marry someone because
it's not like they're forcing you to go
on a date
where it's one night of your life, one
evening.
It's no. You're going to be committed to
this person for life. You're going to lay
with them. You're gonna have children with them.
That's your family now.
How can you force somebody to do that?
I mean, Fash, and in the deen, it's
not person permissible anyway.
King Sultan says, brothers, if you find a
woman who's beautiful, but she has no deen
or weak iman, don't marry her. She'll be
useless and won't be obedient.
Sob. I think your friends are right. I
had a feeling when I first saw my
wife, but I didn't trust my intuition. Oh,
okay. So did it work out well?
Yes or no?
Joao says I rejected proposals because I was
not ready. Masha'Allah. When you look back, sis,
do you think that was the right, right
decision? Yeah. Masha'Allah. It was it worked out
well for you.
Okay. Samir says don't marry someone you're not
attracted to. What's the point of nikah if
you're not satisfied?
Chastity is important. Yes. Well, definitely attraction is
important from both sides.
But I do think that it has to
be part of a package. It can't be
the only thing.
It's not a it's not it's not a
good idea to lead with that because, you
know,
the things have a a way of growing
up around that. So even if that part
of things is is really good, there's so
many other issues now that you have to
deal with. So Alana is best. So Basma
says I'm from Nigeria and the children will
be confused.
For sure. For sure. Tell us more about
the Nigerian experience, guys. I wanna hear more
about this.
Darius has ever rejected proposals because I was
not mentally ready for marriage and what comes
with it. Yes. If you know you're not
ready, do the work to get ready
Because the last thing you want is to
be taking and in fact, Umzakkiya wrote a
post about this the other day where she
was asking, you know, are you healing or
are you hibernating?
So if you feel that you're mentally not
ready for marriage, okay, fair enough.
You don't feel ready, but what are you
doing to get ready? Because if you are
in a space where you're saying, I'm not
ready,
proposals are coming in,
it might be a good idea to do
the work to be ready before the proposal
stop coming. Does that make sense, Shueira? Let
me know
if that makes any sense.
My parents are picking candidates for me to
marry. I don't find any attractive,
and I don't feel any connection nor interests
that are the same. What to do? They're
angry with me for being fussy.
I don't know where you're from,
brother, sister. I don't know whether it's a
male or female here, but I think it's
a good idea for you firstly to get
really clear on your nonnegotiables,
sis, if it's a sister.
Get clear on your nonnegotiables
and your baseline. Okay?
At the end of the day, it's rare
for any of us to find a man
who ticks all the boxes. So the fewer
boxes you have, the better your chances of
ticking them. Right? And once you have condensed
whatever that list is into something manageable and
realistic,
watch, videos on my channel if you're not
sure what I mean by that.
Share that with your parents and say, look.
I know it's frustrating for you.
I know you wanna see this happen.
Let how can we work to making sure
that you only bring people that I am
prepared to consider?
And if there are deal breakers that your
parents are not aware of, that they keep
bringing
people
that are just not right for a particular
reason, have that conversation with them and say,
please don't bring me any men who've been
divorced, for example, if that's a deal breaker.
Right? Or don't bring me a man who's
super controlling if that's a deal breaker. Right?
Don't bring me a man who doesn't pray
5 times a day. That's a deal breaker.
And at least then they can get a
better idea of what it is that is
making you reject them. And hopefully they can,
you know, refine their searching process. But again,
may Allah may Allah bless them, you know.
Seriously, may Allah bless these parents who are
actually helping the children to get married, because
the number of parents out there who are
completely negligent in this regard is is is
is is quite staggering.
So while your parents may be getting upset
and frustrated,
please do make dua for them.
They're trying their best with what they have.
They are doing the best they can with
what they have, and they do want good
for you. And they haven't just left you
to figure it out yourself, which is really
the majority of people out here. They're just
left to figure it out themselves. So just
have some rahma with them as well inshallah.
And may Allah help you and help them.
There's a difference between refusing someone for things
that would be problematic in the marriage and
refusing someone for something that won't affect the
marriage. Thank you very much. And when I
when we say say things that won't affect
the marriage,
we mean literally
things that are to do with a marriage,
not your ideal relationship or what you saw
from Hollywood or what you've always dreamt of,
but the actual marriage as it is prescribed
in the deen. Right? In how Allah
says that you 2 need to be working
together and what you're supposed to be working
for.
Don't refuse people for things that don't affect
that.
Yeah? And and I I know it's hard,
but for example,
if a person is super into fitness,
okay, or is like a a movie buff,
okay,
it is not necessary for your partner, husband,
or wife to be a movie buff as
well
because that's not what your marriage is based
on.
Right?
If you're a person who likes to be
out in nature, it's a nice to have
to have someone who enjoys that too. But
if he or she doesn't, it's not a
deal breaker.
Right? And it's not a marriage breaker.
So this is one of the reasons why
we kind of like pushing on people to
really get clear on your deal breakers because
these long lists of requirements
of this fictional person that we've created in
our minds is not helping.
In fact, it's making it harder and harder
and harder for us to be able to
accept a person as they are because we
keep comparing
this person to the fictional guy in our
heads or the fictional girl in our heads.
Alright. We've got some more news from the
Nigerian front.
It's very confusing to the parents.
Sorry. Even it's very confusing to the children,
even to the parents themselves.
In the end, the children could easily become
atheists. I've seen that.
Because basically, if your wife is a Christian,
especially if she's a Christian, not like she's
not religious, but she's a Christian.
She believes in what she believes in, and
she's going to want to to pass that
belief onto her children.
Now you may agree with her to say
they're gonna be raised as Muslims,
but what typically tends to happen is that
they're with the mother most of the time.
The mother can't teach them deen because she
doesn't have any deen. She's more likely to
teach them from her religion, all kind of
do a half hearted effort to kind of
send them to madrassa.
Also, her family is involved as well. And
further down the line, those children will be
questioning why does mommy's family do this? Why
does daddy do that? Why does mommy do
this? Why does mommy do that? Daddy, why
do I have to do this, this, and
mommy doesn't have to do it? So it
does cause friction in the long term. So
I hope that that makes sense.
No. Safiya, this is a very, very, very
interesting question. Is it wrong to marry someone
purely for money?
I would love for you to break that
down. What do you mean
purely for money as in purely to be
provided for?
I wanna throw that out to the men
on the chat.
If you were a man who was in
a position to protect and provide financially,
would you have a problem with a sister
marrying you because she wants your provision,
because she wants your protection? She's gonna be
a wife. She's gonna do all the things,
but her main motivation is
she knows that you can provide for her
and she needs that.
Tell me if that is okay with you
or not okay. Just put okay in the
chat if that's fine by you. She's gonna
be a wife. She's gonna do all the
things. She's gonna be loyal, devoted, obedient, all
of it. But her in her mind, her
motivation is that she wants the provision. She
needs the provision.
Is that okay with
you, or is it not okay?
Safia, we're gonna get an answer for you
tonight Insha'Allah. Brothers put okay in the chat
if that's fine by you.
Put not okay in the chat if that's
not okay. And if it's not okay, I
want to know why
Inshallah. Barry says it's important to feel desired,
so marry someone you're attracted to plus the
bedroom situation will suffer. It can be a
real problem if there is a mismatch of
desire or in fact, Audubillah,
no desire. Right?
SubhanAllah.
Okay.
Masha'Allah. See, the topic tonight is very crucial.
This on our Friday candid conversations, we always
talk about, we always talk about, marriage. Actually,
we always end up talking about marriage.
So
let's see what we've got some from the
front lines in Nigeria. My Muslim friend who
just relocated with his family married a Christian
lady. They have 2 boys now Insha'Allah. She's
ready to practice Islam, alhamdulillah,
so they're living so happily. In fact, she
would prepare the boys for madrasa over the
weekend before they relocated recently, exactly as I
said,
But I'm very, very happy to hear that
it's worked out for your friend. May Allah
bless them in every single way.
Thank you for sharing that, brother.
Firkan says Noah had a feeling she was
controlling, and this is what happened during the
relationship. Oh, Forkhan is a brother.
Interesting.
Interesting. So for Khan, you're basically saying you
met a sister.
It wasn't right, but you
your family basically bullied you into marrying the
sister, and it was it was terrible. Is
that what you're saying?
So if says, beauty fades, so brothers need
to be careful about picking a girl only
for looks. It will come back to haunt
them. 100%
agree.
Whatever talking in marriage, we notice beauty is
first. Even people tell regarding Dean, our first
question
is how do they how do they look?
Well, of course, because we are visual, we
are attracted to the person, and you do
kind of want to know that. But,
you know what?
I
think if you've been,
if you've gone through enough in life,
you learn to see beyond the exterior of
people. Right?
And especially if you're looking for something
more lasting, something deeper,
you will look beyond the exterior to see
who is this person really? What are they
really like?
You know? Who is this person really?
Aside from what they look like, good or
bad,
right, who are they really? And I think
life kinda teaches you those lessons.
Basma says
oh, it's very this is a report from
the front lines in Nigeria.
Very common amongst my people. Most of the
time, the children follow Christianity.
And even as they call themselves Muslims, they
barely hardly practice
Salah
Sarah says the deen will suffer.
For this stream. Thank you so much, Marwan.
Barry Lee. Yay.
First super chat of the night.
Thank you so much. I appreciate you. Thank
you. JazakAllah
Khayden.
Says in marriage, beauty is more expensive, male
or female.
Yes. Yes. But there are very many beautiful
people who have not so beautiful
hearts.
So this is an issue.
Ezra says, I'm looking for a spouse for
my daughter. We're looking for
compatibility in terms of deen. The mad hub
is a priority.
You have to be on the same page
in terms of your Islamic beliefs. Yeah. 100%,
sis. That's one of those,
that's one of those areas that you can
avoid fitna
from the start
as much as possible. It's just better to
just be on the same page with regards
to that.
More from the front lines. Some children from
that kind of home will even tell you
that they are both Christian and Muslim at
the same time. Yes. Exactly.
H says, I mean, sis, I think it's
so amazing when parents help you and support
you in my culture, you need to find
someone yourself
100%.
Certainly not an easy job as I know
as a parent who's looking for my daughter.
May Allah bless you, sister Azra,
for for looking,
you know, for doing the work of looking.
As you can hear,
many people suffer from not having parents who
are interested in helping at all, who are
not available for it. You know, they they
don't wanna get involved. So the fact that
you are, may Allah bless you.
Deal breakers are big things like religion, chastity,
and character.
Absolutely.
So some parents be like, don't date, don't
socialize with the opposite gender, keep your distance,
and the day you turn 25. So where's
the spouse? Don't you know someone? I've heard
that before, brother Simeon. 100%.
100%.
It's it's very, very odd.
It's very odd to me. Like,
there's a certain generation of parents that just
like
the math ain't mathing.
You know? Like, how do you expect
this to work alongside this?
You know, if if you're going to say
don't date, don't socialize, then you are going
to have to be active in finding me
someone. And if you want me to find
someone, you need to let me socialize. Right?
The 2 of them don't go together.
So no issues with that. So I think
Barry is talking about a sister who's marrying
for the protection and provision. He says no
issues with that as long as she's submissive
and on the deen. Okay. I hear that.
Ahmed says the intimacy and intensity wouldn't be
as strong as if she only cared about
the finances.
Well, Yani,
I don't know about that. Depends, I guess.
It depends.
Hamburg says, no. That's okay. SAIF says, that's
fine. Franckhan says, oh, not okay. I could
get bankrupt any day, could get into serious
health condition. Oh, so
Franckhan says no. Sally uses, no, I will
not marry her because of my money. Not
at all.
Interesting.
Yes. I think is an answer to,
it being okay.
Samir says it's fine if she mainly wants
financial support. Don't see a problem with that.
In the end, the man is supposed to
provide if she's obedient and supportive, it's all
good. Interesting.
Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. Okay. So you could see
that the brothers are kinda divided, but most
of them are saying that
it's fine. Jake JJ says, can you tell
what is the most important thing to look
for in a spouse if you're struggling to
find 1? I guess it depends on why
you're struggling. Right? I really wanna know what
these struggle stories are
because I would love to be able to
do a clinic with with, you know, brother
Nasir to see if you've been struggling. Let
well, let's talk about it. What is going
on?
What is in your CV? What are you
putting online?
Where are you looking for someone? How are
those conversations going? Because sisters know. Right? Sisters
most sisters know when
an interaction is going to be easy and
when an interaction is going to be.
Right? So maybe you're having a lot of
interactions.
Could be. Maybe you you're not smooth with
it. You know? Let's be frank. Maybe you
don't have that confidence yet.
Okay? Maybe you don't know the things to
say and put in the forefront. This is
brothers and sisters. I think sisters especially since
we're putting a lot of stuff that does
not need to be in the forefront, they'd
be putting that in the forefront. Right? And
that can turn a brother off. Right? So
inshallah, we'll talk about these when my co
host comes back inshallah.
We can definitely make some space for that.
And, Barry Lee,
thank you so much. We appreciate the super
chat. We appreciate the support, everyone. I know
that I left you for 2 whole weeks,
maybe even 3 weeks,
and I apologize,
but with the time zone changes in that
crazy country Australia,
there was absolutely
no way. There was absolutely no way I
could continue with this.
Right. So,
thank you so much for being here and,
you know, for us being back.
Muslims who follow the Quran and Sunnah always
have and always will survive the marriage crisis
because they're not having one. Oh, I see.
Okay. So it's the deviants who suffer at
the forefront of things like this. Fair enough.
Might be some people who disagree with you
on that, but, hey, may Allah make it
easy for us all.
Furqan is explaining
that no one forced me to marry her.
I could not say no to her or
get out of the relationship. I just had
a feeling when I saw her for the
first time that she's a controlling woman. Okay.
Nevermind.
So would you consider a materialistic girl a
red flag? Me personally, as a mother, I'm
gonna be straight. I've said this before on
my channel. I do consider that a red
flag. I consider it a sign of bad
character,
but that's my bias and I could be
wrong. But I think that kind of person
is,
shallow,
potentially,
and also looking
to be in the relationship for what she
can get out of the relationship if she's
materialistic when it comes to you. I mean,
if she's materialistic in that she likes nice
things and she buys herself nice things and
she you know, that's her that's her thing,
no problem. But if she's asking you or
expecting you to provide a particular lifestyle for
her, and that is a huge priority for
her, maybe the most important thing for her,
me personally,
as a woman and as a mother,
I'm not happy for that for my son.
Hey. But if my son likes it, then
I love it. But me personally, I don't
think that it's a good character trait.
I don't think it's a character trait that
demonstrates
a lot of maturity,
or dedication, commitment, and loyalty, which I think
are some of the most important things when
it comes to looking for a wife. So
that's my take on it. For Sophia, what
if Allah reduces the man's finances as a
test? She'll divorce him. Right? So it's a
no for me. That shouldn't be the yardstick.
Okay. So brother Sikiru is saying no to
being married for his wallet.
Muslim says marriage has become more about money
and jobs. Deen has given no importance. You
know, Muslim, I am mad at you. You're
probably true. You're probably right. Muslims have become
more materialistic,
more dignified,
and it's like the deen is no big
deal. SubhanAllah. May Allah make it easy.
Thank you so much for the £20.
We'll accept it all.
Safia. Okay. As long as you only want
your proportion,
what that is halal as a wife, we
would be open to the nature of what
women want just as brothers are. I end
up polygamy. Okay. Janae says that he does
not mind. And I think he's talking about
being married for his, you know, for as
a provider.
Kopin says, fathers are becoming an obstacle. I
realized that recently. A father will stick his
foot next to yours and salah, and he
knows you're a good bro, but won't ever
introduce you to his daughter.
May Allah make it easy. May Allah make
it easy.
Is it bad to marry when you're still
struggling in your life?
That is such a good question, brother Omar.
I think that majority of us would say
that it is
not a good idea
because
a wife is a responsibility.
And if you have a child together, that's
even more responsibility.
And in this day and age, very few
women are ready to kind of be in
the trenches with you
struggling,
it's hard to find a woman like that.
Now if you do find one and she
understands your situation and she's ready to be
patient with it or she's ready to help
you through it, hey,
who am I to say anything? But
definitely
for your own mental state, I I wouldn't
advise sort of going looking for marriage, especially
not on apps. If you're still struggling in
your life, get yourself together, brother's a brother.
Get yourself together first, brother. Get yourself together.
Get your dean together. Get your mental health
together, get your physical together, right? Get your
finances on lock, like, so you're able to
take a responsibility because then inshallah
you have a higher chance of getting the
woman that you want. So many brothers on
here, they're not struggling in their life, but
they're struggling to find a wife.
So, subhanAllah, unless you already have
a little girl over there, masha'Allah, sister, you
know, you're betrothed from when you were 13
or something, who, you know, who's ready to
be with you regardless.
If that's not your situation, then I suggest
just being patient, fasting, making dua, and working
on yourself
so that you're able to take on that
responsibility inshallah when the time is right. May
Alana. And Alana is best.
As Sarah says, yes, sister Naima, it's very
important to help your children.
I helped my son look last year. He
was soon married a short while later. I'm
telling you
I'm telling you, parents being involved,
we are advocates for that on this channel.
Are we not, guys? Yes. We are.
We are. We are advocates for that because
parents make a big difference. Moms know people.
Moms and sisters
and aunties, they know
girls. They know women with daughters. Right? And
they know what they're like. They know what
they're about. They can vet them. It's so
much better. May Allah give me the opportunity
to also do the same for my kids.
Thank you so much for sharing that with
us, sis.
I'm with sister Naima on the stars that
we call women of honor our sisters. So
Zaniya don't fall into that category.
Don't let brother Nasrin make you feel as
though your opinion is invalid.
People were siding with him, but I still
have my same opinion. I think that people
behave differently.
So this is, I think, if she's a
reasonable wife,
is about her marrying him for the provision.
I think that's what it's an answer to.
For chances, maybe you can mention the purpose
of getting married, then this would help in
identifying what she looks for someone what
someone should look for in a prospective spouse.
Yes. And we will do that all at
the conference. Definitely.
Oh, what's the reality like between a Somali
and Bengali interracial marriage?
Is there likely to be unique problems raised
from both parties? Well, if anybody has had
a Somali and Bengali interracial marriage, please put
in the chat what you found the unique
problems are.
I say that
if they are like Gen Zs
or late millennials who've grown up in the
same environment, the UK, Holland, wherever,
I think the problems will be minimal between
the couple because they may have actually a
very similar culture, which is the culture of
the country that they come from and probably
Islam,
and then
flavor of their own cultures.
But they won't be embedded in Somali or
Bengali culture if they are young.
I think it's more the families,
you know, grandparents and stuff like that that
can cause more of a problem.
And if you have a family where everybody
has married all Bengalis and you're the first
one to marry a Somali, or everyone has
married Somalis and you're the first one to
marry a Bengali, then there can be some
muskkilat. But between the couple,
a lot of the time, if you've been
raised in a similar environment, you're not gonna
have that much of a culture clash.
Obviously, you can talk through everything, and hopefully,
you'll be able to bring out the best
in each other inshallah as Muslims because that's
the most important thing.
That is the most important thing.
Janae says if she's a reasonable wife, I'll
be more than happy to provide and protect
her in all fronts as much as possible.
It's my promise to Allah as a man.
Does being materialistic equal low faith? No. I
don't think so. I don't think. Not necessarily.
No. I'm not gonna say that. That would
be a judgment that I couldn't make. And,
yes, we are all materialistic to some extent.
There's levels to this. Exactly. Because when I
hear materialistic,
I
hear, you know, I have an image. Right?
Maybe when you hear materialistic, you have a
different image.
So for sure.
Do you know any sisters that out earned
their husbands? Did that impact their relationship? Yeah.
Of course. I know sisters who out earned
their husbands. Did that impact their relationship? Yeah.
For many, it did. Not all, but, yes,
some of them it did. And I think
a lot of it is down to
how much the firstly, how the brother takes
it,
and then how much of the, how much
of the, the load in the relationship the
woman is carrying. It can be very difficult
to switch from being like a boss babe
to being in your feminine. But there are
people who talk about this quite openly online.
So I think that it can impact the
relationship if you're not being open and honest
with each other.
You know, also depending on who is carrying
the financial load, how they feel about carrying
the financial load, which again means more conversations
between the couple.
So, yeah, definitely lots of space.
Sofia says I wouldn't leave just because he
lost some money, to be honest. That would
be evil. But I'm a student and working
some days a week, so he needs to
be bringing something to the table. It's okay
sis. We're not gonna shame you for wanting
a provider. We all want providers.
Every woman wants a provider, even if she's
got her own. That's the truth of the
matter.
That's why people struggle that why people struggle
question needs a 5 minute talk to explain
the situation.
Yes. That's true.
Struggles are being fully responsible for providing and
raising children, so how could I be fair
to a husband?
I don't know. I thought that that question
was from a brother.
I'm sorry. I think I may have lost
the thread.
I just realized that men are complaining too
much regarding the state of women. I'm strictly
anti simp and give no attention to women
unless the work is diplomatic, but the truth
needs to be aired. Okay.
Joeriya, my struggle was that I didn't know
how to talk to men or what to
say. I was never taught about marriage or
how to go about it.
Not good. Not good. Not good. Yeah. We
need to work on that definitely.
Brother Barry Lee is reaching out
and calling people out for this. Hold on
a second. 74 people watching really?
That is not cool, guys.
Definitely like the video. I'm I'm gonna check
now. Thank you, mister Lee, for
for highlighting that.
Okay. I've got 81 watching. Video. I'm I'm
gonna check now. And let's see how many
likes. 29 likes. Okay. We're gonna pause.
Well, now it's 30 now because I liked
it, but I'm gonna pause until we get
to 50 likes.
So if you haven't liked the video yet,
please do go ahead. Do your do your
sister a favor. It's free. You don't have
to pay anything.
Just put a thumbs up on the video,
guys.
And I can see that most of our
likes are coming from Facebook at the moment,
and YouTube is quiet today.
You guys are not used to you. You
forgot about me. You forgot about me coming
on live on Fridays.
Really, really, really. Last time we were getting
2 100,
200 people watching live. 41
Keep it going.
I will wait.
I have the patience.
We can wait. We can definitely wait.
Bismillah.
Wanna get to 50, guys. 48.
If you haven't smashed the like button as
they say, then smash the like button.
There we go. 51. That wasn't too hard
was it? So what we've got? Thank you,
brother Lee.
Shia sister here, Naima. Sala alaikum.
Still, I really appreciate your podcast and videos.
You missed my videos. Keep it up sir.
Sis, saving the Ummah, one marriage at a
time. SubhanAllah. Thank you. May Allah guide us
all. Ameen.
Ah, I see. Sara says the struggles are
I'm raising children alone, providing fully.
So how could I offer a husband all
the time he deserves?
This is such a good question, sis. Do
you know what? This is actually such a
good question
that I think we're going to talk about
it at the conference at the end of
the year. Okay? I mentioned earlier there's a
conference this weekend, guys,
in East London.
It's free registration. I'm gonna put the link
back in the chat that if those of
you who didn't hear it the first time,
you can register and grab your tickets. Okay?
I'm trying to get us to 1,000 people
on the live stream. Okay. 1,000 people registered
to attend the conference. You will only be
able to watch it if you've registered. So
definitely, definitely, definitely.
There's the link in the comments. Please
click on it. Reserve your place to join
us this weekend. Okay?
The conference is free. The workshops on Sunday
are only £20. So, Bismillah, go ahead. But
this is a very important question, sis.
And I want to honor the question. I
can't do it justice right now. I think
it definitely deserves a more kind of roundtable
approach.
So I would like us to save this
question for the end of the year when
we've got our secrets of successful marriage.
Last year, it was secrets of sec secrets
of successful wives. We've expanded that to be
the secrets of successful marriage conference. So that
will be the end of the year, and
we're gonna discuss this question. So thank you
so, so much, Jazaklaugher.
Sophia,
you're asking for your right, but if you
want full financial support, you're looking for a
brother who has it together, age 30 to
40.
Fair enough.
Garrett says, how do you find or meet
a potential wife if you literally don't meet
any women? I'm an engineer and I fight
as a sport. You're not going to find
many women there. That's where I mainly meet
new people. I literally don't meet women.
Lol. This is where
this is the reason why we end up,
you know, going online. Right?
Because we can't find people in our local
area or through our our day to day
life.
And with Muslims, it's even more so because
for sisters, if they're home more so, where
they're gonna meet a brother, and where could
they meet a brother that would be respectful
and suitable. Right? Same with brothers, really.
So
online is an option.
A matchmaker
is an option.
You know, going to events where you could
meet sisters. There was one in London that
Baba Ali just conducted, and apparently, it went
very well. So brother, if you're in Europe,
if Baba Ali comes back to,
to Europe or to England, I would suggest
going to his event because it seems like
it's going really, really well,
and lots of good matches are being made.
Samir says, I feel like the marriage crisis
is getting worse.
More difficulty in finding the right spouse, more
divorces, unmarried sisters getting older, remarriage is difficult,
lists keep getting longer.
This seems to be the issue, definitely.
Geared to pray in the masjid and get
to know the brothers and uncles there. They
have daughters and sisters, speak to them. I
I think that's good advice, Barry, but I
think a lot of people have said that
that just does not seem to happen.
Unless
potentially
you are the same nationality as the brother
as the uncles and the brothers in the
masjid.
If you're not the same nationality,
it can be really hard to get an
in because a lot of the brothers still
want their children to marry within
their ethnic group, whether it's Bengalis, whether it's,
you know, Pakistanis from a particular village, whether
it's Somalis.
If you don't fit that demographic, it can
be very difficult. They just don't see you
as marriage material.
And, guys, forgive me if I'm wrong, if
I'm out of order, just tell me in
the comments, but that's what that's the feedback
that I've had.
What's your thoughts on girls not wanting to
live with in laws so she can have
her personal space and privacy?
One of the questions,
always ask when I'm looking, sis, you could
you we know already that living with in
laws has a very bad reputation.
Okay?
Now I would say if I'm an in
law and I, for whatever reason, I want
my son to stay in the house with
with us. Okay. Whether it's because he's caring
for his elderly parents or whatever the case
may be, or it's for a few years
while they get on their feet before they
get their own place. And you're the one
who's looking, sis, I would make sure
that you can assure any sisters that we
know that there's such a bad name for
living with in laws.
In our family, this is how we do
things.
We give our children space.
We give them their private time. We've built
an annex where you would be staying and
you'd have your own space. Stuff like that.
Right? To have an, again, the guys, I
could be completely
off on this, but if I were in
that situation and I really wanted my, my
in law, my, my daughter-in-law to live with
me, I would be explaining to her why
it's gonna be so awesome to live with
me. Because if she has the baby,
I'm right there to help her. Right? If
she wants to go back to work, I
can help with the childcare.
You know? I would love to be able
to teach her some of the dishes that,
you know, I've, you know, I've have kind
of, you know, raised her husband on. It's
a great bonding experience.
It will be a time for them to
gather their finances so that they've got something
to put into their own place. Like sell
it to them. Do you know what I
mean?
You need to have a really clear idea
of how she's gonna fit into the family.
Right? If you've got other boys living there,
you need to be able to assure her
that, you know, there is a space where
you'll be able to be free and you
won't have to worry about hijab. Or my
boys are very respectful. They will always knock
so you don't have to keep your hijab
on all the time. Like, act like you
know. Right? You know what it is that
girls don't like about living with in laws.
How can you mitigate that? How can you
mitigate the negatives and how can you amplify
the positives? This is very good advice.
Someone should write this down somewhere.
But yes, sis, let me know in the
chat if that makes any sense and hopefully
that's helpful. But I think definitely kind of
acts acknowledging that, yes, there is a stigma
and acknowledging that lots of in laws have
got it wrong
would at least allow the girls to see
that, okay, I can talk to this lady.
You know what I'm saying? Like, she listens.
She's understanding.
It's not like my way or the highway,
because because I think that's what a lot
of girls fear. Right? So, again,
could be wrong, but it might be something
to consider, inshallah. Let me know.
Let's see.
Wutakideen says it's important that people first study
themselves looking at the pros and cons of
their character
and looking at how they live their life
and expectations
honestly in the present tense.
Very, very, very good advice. Saif
says you usually see women who focus on
superficial aspects and someone over their values are
the worst of all. Oh my goodness. May
Allah help us.
I also made decision not to get married
until I know what I want, and I'm
secure and confident within myself so I can
show the best vision of myself for my
future husband and children.
Yes. There is a lot of adopting the
values of the society around us.
People wanna hook you up,
brother Geert.
People wanna know how old you are
and where you're based.
Thank you, guys. We got the likes up.
Thank you,
I missed the dose of knowledge from this
channel. Week feels like years.
May the one for whom you love me
love you also.
No. No. I didn't go I didn't let
people know that I was going live, so
I don't think I don't know. Is is
that why is that why you guys watch
candid conversations?
So that you can see me losing my
mind and brother Nasir and I fighting over,
I don't know who brings what to the
table. SubhanAllah,
ladim.
Anyway, if that's the case, shame on you
all. Shame on you.
It's 2 AM in my country and I'm
sacrificing my sleep for this life, sis. May
Allah bless you.
I pray that it is beneficial.
Thank you so much for the €5 super
chat. Aim boarding, like,
Barry. Bahay. It's the gesture, and it's the
gesture that counts.
Yay.
Caught a live video. Yes. You did.
Excellent.
Alright.
Let's see.
What is more coveted, a wealthy, established man,
or a beautiful woman? It very much depends
on who you ask, I'm sure.
MA, finding a man whose deen and haluk
are satisfactory is very difficult
even when being flexible about both finances and
looks. Really?
Wow.
SubhanAllah, may Allah make it easy. May Allah
make it easy and allow everybody to find
the right person for them.
How should one deal with strong guilt of
making mistakes in their first marriage? SubhanAllah. This
is
another deep, deep question,
which really I can't do justice to right
now, but really it is for the Muslim.
It is about embracing tawakkul,
embracing
your belief in the Qadr
and gratitude
for the lessons,
because that's life.
That's life.
Things happen. We make mistakes. We learn by
those mistakes. Most important thing is that you
learn.
That you learn the mistakes so you don't
go and repeat them somewhere else.
That's the most important thing. Yeah. None of
us is gonna get through this life without
making mistakes and that's the truth.
That is the truth. The 100%
raw uncooked truth.
Okay?
So beating yourself up and feeling ashamed or
guilty, it doesn't help. It's not helpful. Helpful.
It just holds you back from learning and
growing and pushing through to the next level.
Right. So I'm sure somebody got an exam
got an answer
got an answer
to the question about. Oh,
says I'm a matchmaker. If anyone is looking,
please message me with your basic profile and
requirements.
I only give pictures with permission. Okay, guys?
So don't say that there's nobody out there
helping people to hook up. Shamista, tell us
more about your service or your brother or
a sister.
Where are you based? We wanna know.
Yaqub says marriage is very simple if we
follow as it is stipulated in our deen
and not following worldly affairs. Yeah. I agree.
At the moment, sis, no events for Birmingham,
but the Saturday event is, there will be
online
registration.
So you just need to online you just
need to register,
and you'll be able to attend online, Insha'Allah.
So please do that.
Please do that.
Right.
Sameer,
parents are delusional if they expect their children
and grandchildren to marry within the same ethnicity
or culture.
Then why did you move to a Western
country where we're all mixed? Racism is real.
Brother, you know, people don't think in those
terms.
Nobody thought that they when they came from
wherever they came from,
Libya, Algeria,
Morocco,
in Bangladesh,
Afghanistan,
Yemen, Pakistan,
Sri Lanka.
Nobody was thinking that they're coming
to England
to join a melting pot.
That's why when they came, they gravitated towards
their own people in their own area who
spoke their language and went to Masjid where
their people are. Right?
So
delusional potentially, yes, because they send their kids
to school. And then the kid in the
school, the kids will mix. Right? But definitely
when they left their countries, they were not
thinking about that.
In the country where I live, living in
the in laws is very common.
I've observed that those wise 99% adjust themselves
to his husband's house rules. There are benefits,
of course, yes sis. In the west though,
this is a big no no. It's a
big,
big no no. So it's it's it's becoming
less common. It's still common in certain demographics,
mainly Asian families, but is becoming
less common. I would say mainly because sisters
are pushing back against it. And also some
of the boys don't want to either.
Also, Yanny, it depends on the on the
community.
Oh, there's a brother I know that's nice,
not exactly my type, way older than me,
but he's willing to bring finances to the
table. I see. Is it wrong? I don't
really like
him. He wouldn't be with me if I
was ugly though. No. Well, you wouldn't be
with him if he was pope, and he
wouldn't be with you if you was ugly.
So I think you're you're you're you're you're
evenly yolked on that side, but I think
that you wanna find something attractive about him.
That's what I would say.
Not being your type is is is negotiable.
But being repulsed as I said, there's there's
there's a
there's a a scale. Right?
There's a, oh my god, 100%
my type hottie, and there's a, ugh, I
can't bear to look at him, get him
away from me.
That
is
there's levels to this. Right? So where does
he fit on that continuum?
Okay. If he's right in the middle,
he's doable.
Is he a little bit closer to Hottie
than doable? Is he closer to the than
doable?
You know, ask yourself that. And also like
what else is what else is there? What
else could there be between you?
And I I know for a fact that
many women
see a guy, like I said, that was
my experience, not your type, but the more
you get to know them, the more you
you feel drawn to them because of the
other aspects of their personality or even other
things you see about them physically. And you're
like, oh, hold on. So give it a
chance.
And definitely don't beat yourself up about it.
If you need money, girl, especially if you're
raising kids
and he's offering to like come in and
and and and take on a financial load.
Hey, Bismillah.
Don't be passing that up too quickly because
there's not many of those around, subhanAllah.
What's your take on a sister living with
her in laws when no male is present?
Just all females.
Let all families do what they need to
do. I think there's benefits to both. I
think there's definitely benefits living with, you know,
pleasant in laws for a couple of years.
There are some drawbacks, but there's also cons.
Just like living by yourself, there's drawbacks. You
know, there's cons and pros and cons. So,
you know, let let the I I see
I don't have a take on it because
it depends on each situation, depends on what
people are doing. But, there's good in it.
Can you find the good? That's the question.
Are you prepared to find the good? That's
the question, inshallah, for the sister herself and
the brother as well. Because sometimes
the reason why the girl doesn't wanna live
with the parents is that the boy does
not know how to regulate his relationship with
his mother,
and his mother can't relate cannot regulate her
relationship with him. We talked about this in
the podcast where we were discussing the the
livestream that we did when we were talking
about mothers raising men, if you remember.
And we talked about how many women
make their sons into their son husbands. Right?
And that is what creates the competition with
the new wife because
it- the mother sees her as having taken
over her role, And so she just wants
to be involved and in, you know, insert
herself. And a lot of sisters don't don't
wanna be in that space.
Right? So he also needs to understand that
if he's gonna stay at home,
he is going to have to know how
to regulate the relationship between his mother and
his wife. So that's another thing,
that is, that is difficult.
I may come to France. It won't be
difficult. I've got brothers on deck,
but there's no free lunch, so find sisters
who are chaste, pious, and cute. Oh, that's
nice.
Good. Yes. Shamista, you are famous. We want
to know about your services, please. Thank you
very much.
Adeyet, I believe more people need to invest
in premarital counseling. Yes. As a lot of
potential problems can be nipped in the bud.
This gives potential spouses an idea of what
to actually expect in marriages.
100%
agree.
Shamista says I'm in the process of creating
a database, have a few potential clients. You
don't mean you don't have the biodatas?
We need biodatas.
I really want to facilitate marriages for young
people. It's a shame people are making it
fashionable to not marry.
How much longer is this dream? I want
to go to bed. Guess what? I'm going
to wrap it up now InshaAllah because now
I am very tired.
And, yeah, I'm kinda losing my voice, so
we don't want that. I need to be,
you know, in a good space for the
weekend, Insha'Allah.
And, I don't have any I don't do
counseling, guys,
so I don't know how I can help
you.
You can send me a DM on Instagram
or email me,
via my website, naimarobert.com.
And,
yeah.
But I I can't promise to help because
I'm not a counselor. So,
I don't know how useful that will be.
I mean, I see good brothers who don't
mingle with women are learning about the DN
are decent looking for the least
of them. That's nice.
Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Are you guys
blaming me for not answering the question about
counseling?
Wow. Alright. I think a common theme for
questions from single Muslimers is what to accept
when getting a proposal from a not so
ideal match. Yes. And I I think that
that should be one of the topics that
we address in the big conference at the
end of the year for sure, Insha'Allah.
Alright, guys?
So I'm gonna wrap it up there. If
you want an accent for me to close
out the show, get your super chats in
now,
or you can buy me a cup of
coffee.
Some people quite a few people bought coffees
before I went off, to Australia.
So I wanna say a big to you.
Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
And,
Saif says that this stream is better. More
interaction with the comments when less people are
viewing.
I guess, yes. Alhamdulillah. We had a good,
well, it's because we didn't have a topic
to speak about per se. We were just
responding to the comments, Insha'Allah.
But, yeah, may Allah make it easy. And,
oof,
these glasses are killing
me. Thank you so much guys. Those of
you who stayed up,
sis says, do you think it's easier for
single parents to marry each other?
I think it's a good idea if they
can.
They both are in the same boat, but
it's about where to find each other. And
for some reason, it seems like there's more
single moms than single dads, so they don't
seem to be able to find each other.
I'm not sure why. But, Yanny, guys, listen.
What I wanna say is that there is
no
pure ease in any situation.
Every situation is going to require sacrifice on
your part, and the sooner you accept that,
the better. That every relationship is going to
require compromise
and sacrifice and doing for the sake of
Allah.
Understand that,
accept that, own that,
And inshallah, you will find it easier to
make peace with whatever deal it is that
you make. Right?
You're in this for the long haul. You're
in this for akhirah. You're not just in
this for a short time just to have
some fun, just to have amazing memories and
times. You're gonna go through the fire because
this is this life.
And
last thing I'm going to say is inshallah,
make sure you're registered for the conference.
I'll put the link in the chat again.
But also go to my Instagram
and watch the talk that I delivered in
Melbourne called accept the assignment.
I will be uploading it to YouTube,
but it very much speaks about this topic.
As human beings, we tend to want ease.
We want ease. We want good things. We
want good times. You know, we want picture
perfect everything.
That's not the reality of this life. Okay?
That's not the reality of this life.
And sooner we can accept that, the sooner
we can ground ourselves on what really matters,
the better for all of us,
us women, us men, but most importantly,
for our children and for future generations.
And I will see you guys, hopefully all
of you, on Saturday. Okay? Because the livestream
will be taking place
from Cannes Hall
in East London on Saturday.
So if you want to catch me next
week, you have to make sure that you
have registered and grabbed your free spot at
next week conference. And for those of you
who are going to be live, I will
see you then, Inshallah.
Everyone.