Naima B. Robert – Candid Conversations on Muslim Marriage Submission, Marriage Profiles and Delusions
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The speakers stress the importance of language in love language and the need for a framework for understanding language. They emphasize the importance of finding a healthy relationship and avoiding damaging the relationship. They stress the responsibility of power control and finding a partner for a woman with children. They emphasize the importance of acceptance as a condition to prevent negative behavior and finding a partner in relationships. They also mention a vetting process and a post about finding a partner and finding a job.
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Mala
Mala Salam Alaikum everyone welcome welcome welcome it's a
lovely Thursday evening Masha Allah over here where I am I hope
that you guys are all well slough Malika Welcome back to the
platform Welcome back to the channel. It says this The name of
the Robert here back at it again with another live stream
hamdulillah we'd had a great time yesterday Masha Allah, looking
forward to a no a great time today. But even in lab, we've got
a great show planned for you guys in sha Allah, please hit the like
button on your way in. And I want to see those comments, guys for
the nurseries in the green room. Okay, he's standing by but I
cannot let him in until I see some activity in the chat. So we're
waiting for those salons. We're waiting for the locations dropped
in the chat. And then I will be able to allow my co host in and
we'll be able to get started with the show. Make sure you hit the
like button on the way in Thank you mister man. We appreciate you
Zack lokalen Salam okay, we're getting activated. This is good of
hamdulillah so we can do this now. Insha Allah Islam Alikum walaikum
salam how are you? Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen Brother,
how were you? hamdulillah hamdulillah no complaints Life is
good. Walk and Talk and
I'm Daniella always a good thing Mashallah. Um, okay, so before we
get started, we need to do we need to do a check. Did you manage to
fulfill the requests of the viewers who asked for green for
today's theme?
You know, so the interesting thing would you say do a check. I'm
checking my mic and I'm thinking you know, okay, I think I hit that
I think I hit it but in the comments, they can let us know if
I hit the green quota for today inshallah I hope that I did. And
if not, then you know, we can come back next week and check out law
law permits and make sure we get the color right then
the isn't in love evening law right guys? So we have a packed
show for you today mashallah super, super excited about what
we've got planned. Baraka, Luffy wherever you're listening,
wherever you're tuning in from, may Allah bless you if you're
going somewhere may He bless your destination if you're coming from
somewhere May Allah bless where you're where you're coming from.
And today we have
a show in several segments.
So please please first off, just forgive me if we have any kind of
tech issues whatsoever, okay, because we're trying to level up
in terms of the production quality but that means there's a lot of
moving parts okay? So just bear with me if we have any, you know
any nonsense along the way we've got chef Nisa from Egypt with
custom Mr. manna from Birmingham in the UK, Masha, Allah, keep
dropping those locations, guys, and give your Salam as you come
into the chat in sha Allah. Right. So for the nicer could you just
give us a little bit of a recap for those who were not on the live
yesterday? How do you feel that the conversation went yesterday?
I think it went well, I think I think we covered I think you and
the various guests you had on did an excellent point in terms of
addressing the
variety of needs, that are there, right, that then produce the
multitude of options that we have in terms of what marriage looks
like. And I think that's important because I think we need to make
sure that we aren't creating stigmatism around the choices, the
halau choices that adults are making,
and that they think is best for their situation. Right. So I think
it was a great live yesterday, I think it contributed to
further in that that perspective, which is a perspective that I
as you know, I firmly believe we have to allow adults to make adult
decisions. And it may not look like what we think is best for
ourselves, or what we think the tradition is.
Yeah, yeah. 100. Guys.
It was yeah, it was a great stream from the levels. It was so nice to
have so many different people on with different perspectives, but
it was, it was it was a thoughtful dialogue. And I always appreciate
the thoughtful dialogue. Even though you know, people may have
not agreed with each other on all points, you know, disagreements
were expressed respectfully. People came on they shared really
honestly Masha Allah. So guys, if you did not catch the live stream
from yesterday, it was a live show, please just hop on over
there after this and Sharla and just catch up on it because he
really had some some amazing gems in there, my shoulder anyway,
we've got work to do. So guys, on Candid Conversations, we are here
to have conversations, to teach, to discuss, to share on mastering
the human side of Muslim marriage. So,
you know, we discuss areas around emotional intelligence around
communication around expectations, the psychology of things, the
emotional side of things, the mental side of things and the
physical side of things, to enable us to Insha Allah, master this
area, so that we can have the subpoena that we're all looking
for in this area of our lives in sha Allah.
But before we can jump into today's show, there is a new video
clip that I want to share with you guys. And it is a it's a quote
from a stepwells TED talk, you guys have heard me talking about
SFLA. Before, I've mentioned her in several different talks. And I
just want to share this as a an introduction to the idea that
we've expressed many times on this channel, which is that our
expectations of marriage have changed. And it's not just in the
Muslim community that this has happened, it is actually a
worldwide thing. It is part of the culture that we live in, right. So
with your permission, guys, I'd like to share this video with you.
Of course, always drop in the comments, your thoughts, we love
to see the chat activated. We love to see you guys reflecting on what
we're talking about. And one of the things that I love about this
channel, and you guys is that the chat is actually about the the
topic, right? The chat is actually about what's happening on the
screen. And I love that because it shows me that you guys are
engaged, that you're listening, that you're thinking and that
you're actively, you know, basically you're part of the
conversation and I absolutely love that. So let me try and tee this
up and sha Allah, you know how we do right? So
you got this
right. Okay, some of you may be familiar with it already. Some of
you may not. But let's see if we can capture the right part.
For security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for
reliability, for permanence, all these anchoring
nodding experiences of our lives that we call home. But we also
have an equally strong need. Men and women are adventurer, novelty,
or mystery, for risk for danger for the unknown for the unexpected
surprise, you get to just for journey for travel. So reconciling
our need for security and our need for adventure into one
relationship, or what we today like to call a passionate marriage
used to be a contradiction in terms. Marriage was an economic
institution, in which you were given the Partnership for life in
terms of children and social status and succession and
companionship. But now, we want our partner to still give us all
these things. But in addition, I want you to be my best friend and
my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot and we
live twice as long.
So we come to one person and we basically are asking them to give
us what once an entire village is to provide give me belonging give
me identity give me continuity, but give me transcendence and
mystery and all all in one. Give me comfort give me an edge give me
novelty give me familiarity, give me predictability. Give me
surprise. And we think it's a given and toys and luxury are
going to save us with that.
So I just wanted to share that. Thank you. Merci beaucoup. Merci
beaucoup.
I wanted to share that because I've found it to be a really
interesting
space that we find ourselves in culturally, which is, and I don't
know whether that clip actually expresses it as well as I wanted
it to. But
it's this idea that our concept of what is normal in a marriage has
shifted dramatically, in a way that is unprecedented in human
history. So as she mentioned, throughout human history, marriage
was an institution, it was based on family ties, on duty, on
responsibility on legacy, your husband was your husband, your
wife was your wife, there were certain roles that they play, and
certain roles you did not expect them to play. A couple of
generations ago, you know, husbands and wives did not see did
not see each other as best friends. They didn't expect to be
best friends, they may not have expected to have that passionate,
romantic relationship that of course, today we see as normal and
healthy, and the right of every human right. But brother, nothing.
I mean, when you saw this earlier, I don't think you were very
impressed by what Esther had to say. So what are your thoughts on
what she said and sort of this whole shift that we've gone
through? So yeah, I think I think she's she's right. But I just
think it was worth it. You know, I've heard you articulate this,
and others articulate it quite well, and a manner that I think is
very receptive, and people get and listening to it again.
Again, it just it highlights, I think, points that you know,
you've made and others have made. But what does stand out more is in
listening, you know, to your perspective on it is something
that I've seen with my client base as well, is that is that demand,
right? So it's one thing to want and desire something and prefer, I
wish that my husband could be my best friend. It's another thing to
demand it. Right. And when it gets rigid, and it becomes that demand,
I think that's when you get into that realm of potentially self
sabotaging the relationship, and also thinking I can get better.
Right? Well, this is the thing is that the whole idea of the the
correct or the perfect relationship? Right? Not correct.
The perfect relationship. Yeah, the idea of this idea, right, this
ideal relationship that now in our heads is so real, because we've
been feeding the idea of the ideal since we were so high, right? So
we have a very developed idea of what that ideal looks like. And
unfortunately, as I've said before, that ideal is not rooted
in reality at all. It's rooted literally in fantasy. It's rooted
in imagination, in poetry and song in play in film, right? It's
literally the product of people's imaginations. And
not just and here we are holding it as a standard, as if it
actually exists. This is a real thing. This is a real thing. It's,
it's how it should be. And if things were right, if this was my
person, that's how they would be. It's just Yeah, it's it's so so
two points, and I think it also connects to the discussion from
yesterday. So two points, one, I just think from a coaching
perspective
I would encourage people to look at the language. And it's it may
seem like a moot point, but it's really important. So your wants
your desires, your preferences, there's nothing wrong with this.
Nothing wrong. The problem is when you escalate those to the demands,
right? And that's the clear distinction that you want to make.
are you demanding that your spouse be a certain way, or something
that you prefer you want, right? It's a desire, this is nothing
wrong with it, and you can aspire to get that in your marriage. But
the problem again, comes when you escalate it to a demand when you
get rigid about it. And that's what I think people should look at
when themselves. So when your spouse is not giving you what you
want, then look at how you feel and what you do. If it's
unproductive, unhelpful to yourself and the relationship,
then you probably have a demand that you're just worrying as a
preference. So I wish my husband would do A, B and C, I wish my
husband could be my best friend.
But if you are responding and a if the emotion that comes up is
anger, and your knowing that, and yeah, it's really not a one or a
wish, or desire, it's a demand that he must be this way, he must
be my best friend. Right. And so that's an important thing. So the
language is important. And I think again, I think this comes back to
the conversation yesterday that you had, I think we've had a
number of times, it's you have to allow dogs to want what they want.
Right, as long as it's in the realm of what's permissible, if
they want what they want, allow them to construct a deal that
works for them, especially when we're talking about mature adults,
people that have been through a marriage once or twice, because
what I may believe, or someone else may believe is the ideal is
not maybe what they want or desire.
And that I think needs to be respected. Because then I think I
would, in a general sense, sense, our community can be very rigid
with the lives of other Muslims. Right? They have to articulate
their Islam and practice this, and I'm in practice marriage in a way
that fits into their box. Right? And if not, then it's problematic.
Hence, hence, the system in
pologize, I'll allow you to pronounce her name. I just call
her you know, shorty from Belgium.
Shorty from Belgium was saying that one of the things is to
travel. So what happens when you have a sister that's in her late
30s, early 40s been through two marriages?
comfortable in her career, she has a kid kids are older. Maybe that's
something that she's looking for. Maybe she didn't have that in her
first two marriages. Maybe she's at a point in her life where
that's something that's important for her to have companionship, and
to be able to travel.
Maybe the arrangement, the marriage the deal she constructs
with someone has that in it.
IE, maybe it's polygamous marriage.
And maybe one of the roles that she plays is yes, they see each
other during the week. But she's she's someone that travels with
him when he goes on.
Yeah,
I think yeah, this came up in another live stream. I feel like
we've had this conversation. Okay, so
guys, feel free to drop your comments in the chat inshallah.
Because we had some busy playing games 123 My dad always says
sometimes it's better to love the person you marry, than marry the
person you love. That's a tough one. Mashallah. But definitely,
sometimes it's better to love the person.
You definitely want to love the person you marry, you definitely
want to make sure that you do that.
Yeah, so, Alright, so we've got a whole like,
a whole program today, right? So we're gonna jump in inshallah with
the today's show. And typically, when we have the show, guys, we
want to give you guys tangible benefit, real teaching. So we
wanted to have a conversation around the concept of being
agreeable, right? You know that for the past, however long the
issue of submission and women being submissive specifically, has
been coming up again and again, right. And we know I know full
well, that that word can be a true
Go for some sisters, I get it. Okay, I've been there. I was
there, right? Certainly, it was not a word that I ever used. Even
if I behaved in that way, it wasn't a word that I used because
I did not feel comfortable with it at all. So guys, if you feel some
kind of way with people talking about submission, or being
submissive, just put submissive in the chat, okay? Just to you know,
just allow yourself to get through the discomfort, okay, push through
out of your comfort zone into your stretch, so and just put
submissive in the chat. It's okay. This is a no judgment zone. So,
the question for you, why was it uncomfortable for you? Oh, this is
like one of the biggest sort of feminist buzzwords, you know, that
kind of comes in, around maybe from the back door. So the idea of
submitting to a man,
if you have any feminist programming whatsoever, you're
going to get triggered? Because why should you submit to me?
Like, why? You know, that's let's see, I mean, like, why should I am
a sentient being, I, you know, a sane adult, I have my own mind
having opinions, I have my own value, why would I submit to a
man, right? He's just a man like me. He's a human being. So there's
all of that that comes up. And you know, and it's, it's something
that
you don't find people using that language. Even people have
knowledge, especially in the West, because they know that, because
they know that it is a trigger for sisters. Right. submit to your
husband, you're not going to find people on the mimbar saying
sisters submit to your husband. I don't think so. I could be wrong.
No. And that's part of the reason why we have this crisis we have
now is they pandered to sisters.
Yeah, exactly. So so this. So this that word, guys, if this, that
anyone is feeling some kind of way, they tell me, it's alright.
Just put submissive in the chat. It's fine. All right, we're gonna
push through it. Because I, you know, language is important. But
the meaning of the words is more important, right. So sometimes
what we need to do, if we understand that submitting to our
husbands, is something that Allah subhanaw taala has, has asked of
us, right? And we have an issue with that. It's on us to work
through it. So if you want to submit if you want to substitute
the word submit, or being submissive with agreeable for
example,
that could be a workaround.
Rather, NASA, do you accept that as a workaround? I do. I do. I do,
as I do is as long as
as long as this flexibility. Right, in what that and what that
looks like. And there's understanding and what that looks
like, for both people. Right? I think, What do you mean? So I just
think that I think when it comes to submitting, there needs to be
clarity about what that looks like, in a marriage. Right? Both
people need to have a conversation. So I'm not too
caught up on what the wording is, although I prefer the wording of
submitting that way. It does have some level of clarity to it. But I
think there needs to be that conversation beforehand. And what
I find in my work is,
oddly enough, people don't like discussing this element. Right?
Even brothers, I don't like to touch this, this part of the
conversation. And I think it's critical. It's critical to
discuss, right? You just want to just take a temperature check just
for for now for the chat guys.
For the brothers, do you yourself? Or do you know of in your
friendship groups, or in your masjid or in your organization? Do
you? Have you seen evidence of what Brother Nasir is saying that
brothers do not want to have that conversation? Or that that's like
a touchy subject? What do you guys say put it in the chat and sisters
as well. If you know that amongst your friends amongst your family,
you know, in your circle, that idea of submitting is is like a
dirty word. It's like it's a touchy subject, just let us know
in the chat. Sorry about the carry on. So just 111 Subtle pushback to
the comment that's up right from
the previous one. If you're the man, you don't need to ask for
submission.
You will get it without asking. I know that's a common phrase that's
out there. A common mantra.
In theory, I get it. But I think the other thing is, not every
woman is raised to be submissive.
And not every woman.
It's early. I'm trying not to be spicy. Did you say not every woman
is raised to be submissive. Okay, I'll leave that there.
And so
So
she may have the inclination to be agreeable to be submissive but
does not know how to be submissive and agreeable in a manner that
you're looking for. Again, this is why I think that conversation
needs that to happen before. And so it again, it may not be that
she's trying to be confrontational, it may not mean
that she's not trying to be submissive. It's just that she was
not raised
in a manner that submission looks the way you want it to look.
Which could, yeah, and which could be this subjectivity of people's
cultures and their own family cultures as well, right. So for
example, if you grew up in an environment where your father's
word was law, and he said it, and everybody just listened without
any conversation, maybe that's your idea of what submission looks
like. Maybe she grew up in a family where there was a lot of
discussion, there was a lot of kind of back and forth, not in a
bad way. But just they had a much more free environment to express
opinions. And then the Father's word was the last word. But you
know, so and then people fell in line after that. So in that
situation, it's probably a good idea to talk about what that would
look like and what you leading. And her following actually looks
like, right? But there's a there's an interesting
quote here. Where is it? What do you think of this? 100% too many
brothers play the nice guy route and don't express their true
opinions.
They reckon.
So
route, is that like the UK version of route? It is the correct
version of route? Yes. Okay. Okay. Just Just curious. Just curious.
So, guys, listen, what does that what does that get? We've got more
viewers from the UK on this channel. You guys roast him in the
comments, feel 100%? Free. Okay, you know, these American
imperialists already? Go ahead? So no, I think this, I think this
this comment is spot on. And I think so I think, for sisters,
for sisters, and But see, this is one of the reasons why I really
encourage conversation and dialogue and kind of difficult
questions before marriage, because you get to get a temperature of
how the brother or how the sister handles discomfort,
like body language tone, right. I think that's so important. And so
I think there's something to be said, you know, if a brother is
trying to be the nice guy, and not having those difficult
conversations, and I think there's something to be said, If a brother
does have this conversation with his sister vote submission, and
she responds in an aggressive or harsh, Curt manner.
I think definitely people want to seal the deal, and don't want to
mess things up. I mean,
that's one of the that's one of the problematic symptoms of
desperation, of course. Right. Like, the, there shouldn't be a
hesitancy to seal the deal.
Right.
Right. You know, we don't act out of desperation.
Especially as men, I don't I don't think that that's
a space to move from. But there was another comment that was up
here that I wanted to mention that I think
this one
I think it was another one from K 12.
If the father hasn't done the job in the early stages, do you see
that one? Yeah. If the father hasn't done the job in the early
stages, then it's a difficult thing for a husband to take over?
Why fathers are so important. One called missing
and all can fail. Yeah, I think that's really important. I think
that's one of the things brothers should definitely look for. What
is the relationship like between her and a father?
And what role does he play does he pay? If the father plays a very
passive role, and the mother is domineering, and the relationship
then you have some heavy lifting to do? Yeah.
Unless she has a, unless she probably has older siblings, and
she's learned from them. The the, the problems that comes with a
husband that's not leading.
I've seen that so often where the mother is the domineering figure
and writing. Yeah, for sure. And
many of you are familiar with The Five Love Languages book, which I
put up on a post to say, Should we read it? And it didn't get as many
votes as some of the other books and actually, somebody commented
and said Enough with the five languages already The Five Love
Languages. But he wrote another book called things I wish I knew
before we married, which is a very, very
Good, Mashallah. And one of the things he mentioned, is looking at
the parents looking at the dynamic between the mother and the father,
so you can get a picture of what your wife or your husband is
likely to turn out as. So just exactly. He gave that example,
right? The henpecked husband. That's the girl's model, right?
She has a model of a mother who nags and a father who basically
acquiesces and his henpecked, right. Similarly, if he grew up
with that example, then that's, that's his blueprint, basically.
Right? So some of the things you may want to look at guys, you
know, when you're kind of in the stages of still looking for
someone is asking those questions about, and potentially even
observing the relationship between the mother and the father as much
as you can, because likely your spouse to be the man or the woman
is, is has that blueprint and is, is going to repeat those patterns
basically, right? Unless, of course, they have become self
aware. And they've done some work. And they themselves say, my
parents are like this, but from my household, this is what I want.
And then that can happen. I don't want brothers to think that that
can happen, it can happen, because oftentimes, what I've seen with
sisters I've worked with, is there's a contentious relationship
with the mother. And that has been the opening that that then leads
them to reflect on the role that Mother has played in their life,
but particularly in the family dynamic, right? And what's been
problematic about that, ie being controlling, being aggressive,
right? In tone and diction as well. So
it's not an automatic, you know,
cancel, if she has a father that's very passive. And Mother's
domineering, it's just what does that look like? And Is she aware
of that? Yeah, definitely. It's a conversation that needs to be had.
And I think, you know, like all things, guys, every one of us
speaks from our own experience, right. So if somebody has, you
know, has had an experience where they married, they submitted to a
husband, who was not, he didn't have her best interests at heart,
at that point, put it that way. Okay. He didn't have her best
interests at heart, or the relationships, best interests at
heart. And somehow he abused his authority. Obviously, that sister
is not going to be able to speak about submission in a way that is,
you know, glowing, and yes, everyone should do it, because she
did it. And it didn't work out. Right. And this isn't with
everyone. If you married a divorcee, for example, and you
became a stepfather. And it was an amazing experience. And even
though whatever, whatever, you made a go of it, and it worked.
When other people come and ask you about marrying and divorcees,
you're like, hey, you know what, there's so much reward in it.
There's one car, there's this, there's that there's that, you
know, just make sure you find that, you know, you're going to be
able to speak about that situation in a way that someone who did the
same thing, married or divorced, it was a stepfather who was
completely ruined by the experience, he's gonna have
something completely different to say. Right? So we need to bear
that in mind as well. The dean itself, the ideal scenario, is, is
is
is objective, right? It's an objective truth. So this is this
is the ideal scenario. Like we said yesterday, there's the ideal
scenario. So I guess Okay, so this is this is, I think this is
important, right? Because it seems to me, that sisters from certain
backgrounds, or certain family backgrounds, do have this trauma,
right, of having observed an unhealthy relationship. And let's,
let's just limit it to the ones who saw a relationship where their
father had all this power and authority and their mother was
completely subjugated. Right.
How, how do we work through that? Because it's all very well, guys,
everyone in the chat and everybody watching, it's all very well, us
saying yes, but this is how it should be. And this is how
husband's meant to be is how the woman's meant to be blah, blah.
But if you yourself have lived a different reality, how can you
unlearn that in order to be able to go into your own situation
without that language? As a question for you?
Yeah, you know what I'm gonna say that's why I always emphasize
learning a modality. You have to learn a model to understand your
thinking and regulate your emotions to thinking feeling
connection, right? Because when you're in that type, when you grow
up in that type of situation, you will more than likely develop
intense, unhealthy negative emotions. Right? So for example,
you'll more than likely develop anxiety or
or anger, right, these types of issues. And so when you experience
that, you then those emotions are red flags for you to think about
your thinking. And so when you think about your thinking, and you
catch with the with the understanding of a model, it will
teach you how to catch those unhelpful thoughts that produced
the anxiety. Right, that produced the anger. Right? So it's
important to learn a model so that that way you can reprogram
yourself from what you've learned throughout your childhood and
teenage years and early adult years. So you have to you have to
learn a model. That's my perspective. Yeah, definitely.
Definitely. Want to just go into this quickly here, because some
would just go back to that last, the last one I can't recover.
Yeah, it was I can't recover from I can't return
I've had from divorce, and have too many trust issues. Yeah, so I
mean, in this type of situation, since I don't, I don't know your
particular situation. But I would definitely again, I would learn a
modality that will help you with that thinking, feeling connection,
because trauma is a lot about the meanings we develop about
experiences that are quote, unquote, traumatic, and those
meanings of what we carry into the next situation, or the next
moment, those meanings may not be constructive to our goals, values
and purpose. So then we have to learn a modality to be able to
understand and unpack those meanings, and then create those
healthy alternative meanings about what did happen, which may be
wrong. Granted, but the meaning that you developed from what
happened, which was not correct, which was unhealthy, which was
wrong, unfortunate,
doesn't need to be carried with you. Right? That's, that's not in
this please, for you, and anyone watching, don't take this the
wrong way. That's why you know, it's
the past is the past.
Right? It literally is the past. But what's present is the meanings
we develop from the past. That's what we take with ourselves,
moving from the past incident, whatever those past incidents
were, they're gone. But what you carry with yourself every day, the
luggage you carry you with yourself every day, is the
meanings you develop. And those meanings are what can be self
sabotaging to new and self sabotaging to future
relationships.
Insha Allah says, Yeah, I mean, definitely.
Language is so important. So even to allow yourself to say I can't
recover what you're doing, you're making a rule, right? You're
telling yourself, I cannot recover from this trauma, right. And
that's not helpful. Because if you're telling yourself you can't
recover, the likelihood is that you will not. But if you decide
that you will recover in Sharla, you are going to become out of
this the other end stronger, okay, stronger, more grounded, full of
Eman, whatever the case may be. And then you take steps towards
that Insha Allah, Allah will bless you with that healing. But if you
stay in this in this space of, I can't recover from the trauma, I
have too many trust issues. And that's the story you're telling
yourself. That's where you're going to stay. And I wouldn't want
that for you. And I wouldn't want that for anybody else. Because to
stay in the suffering is a choice. We choose to sit in the suffering,
we don't choose the suffering or loss one or the other tests us
with that. But to sit in it, and to stay in it. That is a choice.
But we only recognize that it's a choice when we you know, maybe
hear something for the first time we are exposed to something new.
And you realize I'm choosing this because most of the time we think
that of course, of course, this is the space that I'm in because this
is what happened against that thinking, feeling connection that
we've spoken about, right? So may Allah give you
the total Schiefer and allows you to move past this. And one of the
thing was that the sitting in it, a part of that is sitting in the
narrative that you create. Right? And one of the ways to unworked
that is to unworked the narrative that you create it, right to alter
that narrative, because the narrative is what you're going to
sit in for 24 hours of the day.
As long as you're, you know, awake and can can think those thoughts,
those floods of beliefs and thoughts that come. That's what
you're going to be sitting in
So that's the narrative. Those are the meanings, you have to put in
the work to reconstruct to a healthy alternative narrative.
And what that says the other thing is, and I hope you get this from
tonight's live. And if not, there's other lives that we've
discussed.
Please understand that your next marriage and shallow that you are
married again, does not have to fit into anyone else's construct
of what a marriage has to look like, as long as it meets the
criteria for are deemed to be permissible. That's it. So just
keep that in mind moving forward. Whatever deal you construct for
yourself, does not have to fit what someone else may say for you.
And again, this, this comes up because what we talked about
before what I mentioned before, you sisters with children,
especially daughters,
I'm of the opinion, be open to
not living with the person for the first six months to a year to make
sure this person is who he said he is, before you introduce that
person to
a living arrangement where you guys are together with your
children. Just something to consider. It's not a must. But
something to think about. I want to take the temperature check on
that, actually, because I think we mentioned that last week, didn't
we? And I want to see from the viewers, those of you who are
alive and those of you watching on the replay. What are your thoughts
on that? Do you I mean, firstly, have you done that? Have you done
Nikka and then spent a period of time sort of Halal dating if you
like, so you're halal for each other, but you don't move in
together? Would you ever consider an arrangement like that? Do you
think that there's any benefit benefit in it? Do you think
there's harms in it? Let us know your thoughts on that. Inshallah,
I just want to share this this piece of of kind advice here from
sister and Eva, who says I understand that this can be
remedied by strengthening one's relationship with Allah, trusting
him can get you through anything. And she says I will try to leave
myself open to marriage again. May Allah make it easy. I would
definitely want to go to this question. I'm people fighting
about the five love languages in the chat. And I want to jump in
there because we've got a very unique take on this. Okay, so J,
The Five Love Languages is of it is a pop psychology book popular
psychology meaning by a guy called Jerry Chapman. And in his work as
a family therapist, he basically came up with or identified that
people give and receive love in almost different languages or
different dialects. Okay, so they, they perceive love differently. So
for one, they need it to be verbalized for them to get it,
right. And they themselves are typically very verbal with it. So
there's, these are the words of affirmation people, the people who
like to be to be appreciated verbally, rather to be told that
you know, that they're grateful, or your grades are fine, so much.
So you look lovely, you know, it's a verbal thing, right? That's the
words of affirmation people, then there is the quality time, people
who need time to really feel loved when their spouse actually makes
time to be with them, to talk to them to listen to them to just be
in this space, right? Then you have the physical touch people who
need to be touched, right, it's not to do with the bedroom, it's
literally hugs holding hands, a stroke of the shoulder, if they
don't get that then they just don't feel loved or they don't get
it right. Then there's the
gift giving people and my when my children I've heard about these
five love languages, they just think the gift of giving one is
like such a cop out. But you know, some people that's how they
express their love by giving gifts and some people, what they want
really to show that you were thinking of them is that you've
got them something right. And then you have the acts of service. So
these are people who express their love for you by doing things for
you. And likewise, they want things to be done for them. Now,
somebody mentioned in the chat that there are more than five love
languages. And I'm sure that could be true. But I think what is
important at this point is what I hear people making reference to
The Five Love Languages, it's almost a demand that you must
speak my language. And if you don't speak my language or learn
my language, I will not feel loved and I will not be happy. No matter
how much you are expressing love in your language. It will not be
good enough for me until you're speaking speaking it in my
language. Right? And I think Brother NASA, do you want to just
jump in because we had this conversation and this was one of
the things that we came out with which is that when it becomes a
problem is when you have a demand
means that your spouse to speak your love language, or it's not
good enough? Like, it's not okay.
Yeah, I think, I think I think that, to me is my challenge with
the texts is that I don't see that is, I never would, as long as I've
had conversation with people who've read this book, and I'm
gonna be very straightforward, I haven't read it, I haven't. It's
collected dust for years.
I sense from them this demand that you must know my love language,
and you must fit into the box of my love language. And you must
express yourself in that manner. And that goes back to what I said
earlier, in the very beginning, I put in the chat, your wants, your
preferences, your desires are fine, nothing wrong with that,
it's in your best interest to learn a modality. So that that way
you can stay in the best space mentally and emotionally, to
influence your your partner to be able to respond in a manner that's
consistent with your love language. That's, that's
desirable. That's strategic, make sense? Do it. But it gets
problematic when you demand that your spouse, your partner respond
to you, or be in alignment with your love language. That, to me is
just problematic. It's self sabotaging. And I think I'm yet to
really have a conversation with anyone who's read that book. And
articulates that point.
I really hear this is my love language. And I you know, I would
prefer that, you know, he knew it and, and, you know, related to me
in that manner, but if he doesn't, it's okay.
It
is, yeah, I'm struggling with this, because, but so, so you
cannot struggle with that. Because if you agree with shorty from
Belgium from the beginning of the livestream,
then this coincides with that expectations. One of the
expectations that people have nowadays is that you must adhere
to number three of the five love languages, which is my love
language. And if you don't, then that must mean that you don't love
me enough.
No, I will sip my coffee while you try to say that I'm wrong.
I actually, the reason I struggle with it is because I just think
it's not the type of thing that should be discussed upfront. And I
see people when they are looking for someone, they'll put it out
there. Oh, by the way, my love languages gifts. Oh, by the way,
my love language is acts of service. Okay. Oh, by the way, my
love language is quality time and I need me so I'm gonna leave that.
And it's like, okay, so what are we saying here? You're going to
only match somebody who matches with you in terms of your love
language like this is stupid. It's just stupid as far as I'm
concerned. And it's one of those things I think it's a crutch I
think it's become a relationship crutch. I'm so self aware and so
kind of you know center that I know what my love languages are.
Do you really though? And are you saying that because you know your
love language? You cannot recognize love in any other form.
So if you end up marrying a man for example, who is not verbal?
Right? He does not express his love vocally verbally but the guy
treats you like a princess he keeps you in the manner in which
you're accustomed that cetera are you going to be that spoiled brat
that says But you've never seen a lot of me though in this is
immature. I think it's for me. I'm like, I'm over it. I think that's
what I want to say.
I'm over it guys. Yeah, this is the kind of thing now they're you
know, and again, maybe the reason why somebody mentioned that if I
popular psychology and it's kind of not worth our time a little bit
although mashallah people have many have obviously benefited from
it. I think the key here is can we
do we want to get to know our spouses in a way that we are able
to respond to their needs. This is just a tool for us to do that at
the end of the day, right? So if you know that your husband let's
talk about the sisters if you know that your husband likes a quiet
house when he comes home, what love languages that
is not any of the five love languages right? But you know that
he appreciates that, you know that that is what he needs for his
peace of mind when he comes home from work and he's you know, the
stereotypical scenario that we keep talking about right? But my
point is, love language or not, however you want to call it. Our
part of our work in our
We're marriages is learning how to love each other. Right? And maybe
love languages are a shortcut to that. But learning each other's
ways, learning what makes it good, what makes it not so good, what
turns them on or off? What puts them in a good space and in a bad
space? That's part of the work that we need to do. And I guess
the love languages are like a shortcut, you know, for us to be
able to say, Well, yeah, that's me. Right. But I don't think it's
something it's I don't think it's as much of a deal breaker as
people making it, or making it into right. And I don't think you
should allow the fact that your spouse speaks a different love
language to you, and maybe cannot or will not speak your language. I
don't think you should allow that to destroy your relationship.
Because if he loves you, you're gonna know it. And if he doesn't,
you know, he doesn't love you probably will know that, too. But
anyway, this is this is our thing.
No, I think it's a good point. I think I think that's a really good
point. And I think, I think it can help by giving you a framework for
looking at expression. Right? A lot. I think it's great in that
regard. But I just think unfortunately, the people that
I've come across,
they seem very rigid with it.
And that that, to me is problematic.
I like this comment.
My love language is seeing my spouse genuinely tried to display
love in any healthy way is displayed. I've had to learn that
in the practicals. I've had to learn that in the practical
experience of marriage. And yes, I have read it. I like that
approach. I think we shouldn't have this rigid idea that I only
understand love when it's expressed to me in this way. And
if it's not expressed to me in that way, we have a problem. I
think that rigidity is not helpful.
Yeah, what do you
can we, it was another comment up here that you you put up when the
sister was saying it can be resolved by the connection with
Allah. Oh, it's too far out. Now. That was way way way up.
About the the trauma.
Yeah, I'll read it to you this, this, this says I understand. But
this is remedied. By strengthening one's relationship with a law
trusting him and can get you through anything, I will try to
leave myself open to marriage again. So just a point with that.
Obviously, nothing against that in terms of building your
relationship with you, your Lord and trusting your Lord. But I
think you also need to understand
a model so that you can understand your thinking your thoughts, and
how that's connected to your feelings. Because if your thinking
is off, it will distort your perception of the relationship you
have with your Lord. So if you have a, a core belief that you're
unlovable, then it's going to distort the perception of what you
see your lower doing in your life. So that's just a point to, to
because that that core belief of being unlovable colors that's the
lens that you perceive and evaluate everything that happens
in your life, including your relationship with the Lord. Right
so just a side note yet strengthen your relationship with your lower
trust lower but also do the work to learn how to understand your
thinking and your feelings so that you can regulate both
100% and the conversation about the love languages raging in the
chat masala and just you know most of this most of this I believe
again comes from our upbringing and what how we were shown love as
children right? If we grew up in a very tactile family where there
was a lot of hugging and touching and and closeness physical
closeness to be married to somebody who grew up in an
opposite environment who does not expect you know to be kind of
cuddled up on the couch etc can be difficult because that's that's
what you've grown to know is is Love is family etc. So anyway
guys, if you'd like it didn't go read the book. It's not a hard
book. It's not a very long book either go read the book and then
come back on the channel and tell us what you thought inshallah use
and benefit from it. I find it very useful. It was interesting
and useful, but what I don't like is how people are kind of using it
as a stick to beat people with now and also making it like a
prerequisite for happiness that you have to speak my love
language. That is that is the story on that.
Okay.
So Pamela right, this is we've we've lost control of the chat
it's, it's it's it's mashallah, everybody is going crazy. I think
if you have to, if you have read the book, you learn to see how
others are showing you love Yes, I agree says I have also learned how
to request love
in a healthy way, whether or not I invite you to read the book? Yes,
and it's true. One of the things that I think that the book really
gets, does well, is breaking down the fact that we don't all
understand love in the same way. Right? We don't all interpret the
same behaviors as as somebody loving us, right? So this is
interesting here.
Okay, we just always right quick for everyone in the chat, we're
going later on to look at some profiles. So if you have a sister
that's interested in marriage and looking to get married, what you
quickly send her a DM and tell her to get on this live chat so that
she can see the profile or two that we're going to eventually
come to. So everybody send that DM to your girlfriend.
This is gonna get married?
Yes, because we are about to transition into that just now. Do
you want to just pick up some of the chats and just read them for
the NASA and while I line up these slides? Because yeah, we can go
into the profiles now. Mashallah. We didn't speak about being
agreeable. We didn't really go into submission much at all, but
we can dive in he was supposed to be Yeah, we can dive into
agreeable I'm for that. I just wanted to make sure people start
getting their friends to tune in so that that way, they can see the
profiles that we're highlighting.
Yeah.
Apologies, one, one of the
potential potentials told to join the chat as well. So
So yeah, I mean, we can dive into a group when it's I think, all
right. So let's, let's cut to the chase. Okay. Let's cut to the
chase.
Why? Why? And just for some context, again, I already gave my
story, guys, I had an issue with the word submission, it didn't sit
well with me, whatever. I think one of the things that was
surprising to me when I started listening to men, in general
talking amongst themselves, was that non Muslim men talked about
submission, they talked about a submissive woman, right. And for
the longest time, sisters had thought that it was only Muslim
men who had this issue, right, meaning their wives to be obedient
and submissive, right and quiet and just do as they're told that
all of this and that other men are,
you know, kind of broader minded or more confident, they're not
intimidated by a confident woman, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah. So to find non Muslim men, non religious men, talking about a
woman submitting a woman's submission was a huge eye opener
for me, because I was like, oh, what? This is a man thing. This is
not like a Muslim man thing. This is not a DESE thing. It's not an
Arab thing. It's a man thing. It's a masculine man thing. So give us
the tea. Because many of us don't know, because especially people
who are new to this conversation, they don't know. And they haven't
heard men talking about what is so great about an agreeable woman,
what's so great about a submissive woman tell us.
So I think there's, there's a number of answers to that. And one
is, look, I have as a man, a divine mandate to be a provider,
and a protector. So that means I have to get up every day to go out
and earn a living to be able to provide for my family. And that's
not an easy task. Oftentimes, I have to tolerate things that I do
not like,
and be in spaces that I don't want to be in. Because I have that
divine mandate to provide.
So when I come home, I don't want to have to deal with someone that
is disagreeable. Someone that has given me more tension and
headache, and stress. Like I just had to go through for the first
eight hours of my day
at the job. So on a very practical level.
No man wants to deal with that. Because if that's the case, he's
gonna have been, he's gonna spend 16 hours of his day
dealing with disagreeable, controlling,
potentially domineering people
in the public, and in the Prop. No man wants that. And then the other
thing is, if you are a man and you have a vision for your family, and
you have a direction,
you don't need someone who's on the team that is, you know,
digging holes in the boat. Right? Oh, questioning the direction that
you have mapped out.
That no system works like that. No business works like that. No
Corporation works like that.
it, no team works like that.
And marriage isn't an individual sport. It's not golf. So it's a
team sport, right? We're on this team.
So you have a role to play, and you need to be agreeable in that
position that I've given you.
So, for me, that's one of the reasons why no one has time for
that additional attention. And it's also ownership on a man
though, before he gets married to check for that agreeableness, that
she liked the program that I'm offering her direction I want to
go in.
And not just be that nice guy that just, you know, wants to pander to
her and give her what he thinks she needs in the beginning, so
that she used to marry him that's desperate to talk. That's
neediness. And again, no woman likes a needy man.
So what's the opposite of being agreeable? or submissive?
confrontational,
confrontational, being confrontational.
being confrontational, being
challenging the direction
and the focus
of the husband.
Yeah.
Yeah. And like I said, No man wants that.
No man wants that, however, but this is a this is an important
point.
Yes, so a
assistant should be submissive, she should be agreeable. However,
a man should also understand how he's going to handle when she's
not.
Okay, that's the reality. That's the reality. So just as I can say,
no Corporation, no team
has a system where there's no designated leader, there's a
leader, and then there are those that are, that are the followers,
right? Under the leader that's in corporations that's in successful
business. That's a team grant, if I if, if I use that point,
I also have to acknowledge that a leader also has to understand that
there are going to be people on the team that at time don't agree
with a vision that may act in a counterproductive way may self
sabotage the vision, or the program the direction, they may
not get the vision. So as for me as a leader, to screen them before
I hire them, and give them a contract to be on the team that's
on me. Right. And then once they're on the team, it's also on
me, to manage the team and to manage, the player may manage the
system in a way that helps to influence her to, to get on board
with being agreeable and to understand the vision.
Not just be harsh, and rude and rough.
That's, that's not leadership. But this comes back to a point that I
mentioned before in terms of being able to discipline yourself as a
man.
Right?
To be able to lead yourself, right? That gap, right in
integrity,
the integrity gap and yourself.
Because if you fix that, oftentimes that will influence.
Right? So I think that's the meat of that phrase that is thrown
around that if you're a man, right? A masculine man, then you
don't have to question submission, you don't have to say it, because
she'll just follow the meat of that is if you you have integrity,
then she will see that and follow your example.
Right, because you set a model,
right? But that that takes ownership for me as a man so yes,
I can say I want to mission, but the flip side of that is I also
have to be able to understand and handle when I'm not getting
submission and also model what I want.
Right? Demonstrate that I have the integrity I have skill sets and
the resources that should give you the validation or give you the
comfort to follow me
so both will have a role to play when it comes to is not just says
to be some be submissive.
Right? It's a valid question for assistant as although she should
before marriage, what am I
Yeah, yeah, that's that's that conversation we had in the
marriage conversation where I you know, I had a different
perspective. The other perspectives are fine as well. But
I have a different perspective. You know, you respect me from day
one.
You get the you get
More evidence for why you're respecting me post marriage.
Similarly, you're submitting to me from day one, you get more
evidence post marriage as to why you made that decision. But once
you agree to the contract that I give,
the deal is done.
I was so so
what about the idea of a joint vision? Right? This is interesting
to me, because
obviously, the way that we conceive of things is that there
are two people coming together to people with their own experiences
and their own, you know, background and talents and
capabilities, etc.
Is there a sense that a man when he is to marry
already has figured out his vision for his family? Or is there he's
going to find the woman and together they're going to create a
vision?
And again, this is obviously it's there's no hard and fast rule.
But, you know, what are your thoughts on that?
Yeah, I think that just I think, isn't his program? Or is it a co
created program? I guess that's what I want to say.
I think it can be co created, but it can be co created with the
understanding that he has the final stamp on whatever was
created.
Right, I think that's important. So for example, I am someone
that's very much. So when I was getting married, one of my
criteria was, whoever I married had to be okay. It was no question
about this. You had to accept homeschooling, period. That's just
me. But I understand some brothers are not that involved or not that
focused on the education piece. That's something that in their
mind, they outsource to their wife, their wife handles that. So
in that sense, that can be co created, right? He's, he's
delegated it to his wife to figure out the education piece. So at the
end of the day, though, he's the one that has the final say on it.
And if he goes into with that mindset, I don't think there's an
issue with that. But if he goes into with the mindset that he's
submitting to whatever she says, and that that he has the final
say, and that she's bringing to Him what might be best, and that
might be the case. But he has a final say on that. And I think
that's, that's that leadership piece that he can't shy away from.
And if he does, again, it comes back to what I said before. Women
don't like men that they can control. Yeah, this is exactly
what I wanted to say, in martial arts is mentioned that I learned
we should marry a man on a mission with purpose. So to that point, I
think that, you know, the burden of performance, unfortunately,
does lie on men,
if they want the optimal situation in their relationship, because I
think, no matter what many women they say, what they truly respect
is a man who is on his purpose, and a man who is in his frame,
right? And they may not like that all the time. Ladies, we can be
honest, it's okay, this is my channel, okay? We can be honest,
you may not like the fact that your husband has boundaries, or
has a particular standard, you may wish that he was a bit easier, or
if he just listened more, or if he just did things the way you think
they should be done more, right. And just let you let you run
things that you control things. Even though you may like that
idea, or may like to think about that.
What you respect is that your husband is the rock, right? And
you have the freedom to be the see, sorry, guys, this I love this
analogy. I love this analogy that the husband is the rock, he is the
anchor of the family. And although we like to think of ourselves as
strong and capable and mashallah, in our own ways, we are strong and
capable. And we have vision, we have ideas and all of this, even
when we do it, because I think it's not natural to us. It weighs
on us very heavily. So you'll find that many sisters are the rocks in
their family, right? But they don't like it. And it's heavy on
them. And it's cumbersome on them and fill us in in the end. They
resent their husband for that. So even if initially, they were happy
that he passed things over to them and they had the so called freedom
to go and take care of this and do that and be in charge of this and
be in charge of that. But this is what Laura I think the name is
Laura Doyle talks about in the surrendered wife, right? Where
women, we like to control things. We'd like to be in control. We'd
like to micromanage we'd like to boss around girls ladies just put
yes in the chat if you know what
We're talking about, okay.
And a certain part of you gets a thrill when your husband lets you
do that. Or when you've, you've managed to control him in this or
this or this area. The only problem is, and like I said, you
like it, right? The only problem with that is that it eats into
your respect for him. So although you may like it, and you get that
thrill, there's two things that happen. One, you lose respect for
him, because he's showing that he, he has the weaker frame, because
if two opposing ideas come, the one with the stronger frame will
win, right? So he's showing you that he has the weaker friends, so
then the respect is lost. And secondly, you end up taking the
majority of the load. And although it feels good at the beginning,
because now you're in charge, at the end of the day, you will start
to resent him, because a part of you knows, that's not your role.
That's not what you're supposed to be doing. So even if he lets you
do it, even if initially, you're happy that he lets you do it in
the end, because now you're in a space where you're not meant to be
there, you're not created to be there, you're in this masculine
frame, you're playing this masculine role. In the end, you
will become resentful and tired. And ladies, let me know I think
people are saying in the chat, mashallah, look, it reminds me of
a session I had with assistant of the day, I brought up a pulled up
the notes, and
a phrase that she used,
stood out to me, and she said, I feel like I'm a caretaker.
Yeah, and like, but no caretakers in the chat, guys.
How many sisters have had this relations, this this conversation
with worrying that they are essentially halau roommates living
together? And she's articulated in various ways, different clients in
particular in various ways, their caretaker. Right, and, and no man
should position themselves to be to be in that place.
I like one of the comments, the brother said.
Which one was it?
Yeah, this is it right here. So we are killing ourselves, we have to
be able to trust Allah first. And then let them in lead. He doesn't
have to do it perfectly. But you must get with his program. That's
it. That's it. And that's the mindset systems that you need to
to look for in a man, right that you are going to have a voice, but
you just understand that his voice makes a lot of final decision.
And especially for the kind of man that you want.
That's that's the thing. Again, that's where the dream and the
reality clash, right. The dream is a man who never tells you no,
right? The dream is a man who will do anything for you. Oh, the
poetry and the songs and everything, right? We talked about
this in last week. So the dream is a fantasy is the guy who would go
out and find the world and bring it to you go and pick the stars
from the sky and bring it to you, you know, basically do anything
and everything that you want just to make you happy just to bring a
smile to your face, you know, all that good stuff, right? That's the
fantasy.
The only trouble is the men who have self respect,
and have purpose and know their worth, and are in their frame.
They're not that guy.
Right? They're not that guy. So the man that you want to lead your
family is a leader. You don't run off to you making your dreams come
true. That's not his job. Right. That's not his role. And you know,
I want to, I think this was something that Kevin summers used
to say. And it is one of those things that stuck with me. And it
was men are not here for your amusement. Right? Men are not in
this world. For your play and amusement. They're not here to
make your world this amazing place, as if that's their sole
purpose, you know, is to please you, make you happy make you fill
you up with all the things that you want, right? That's not his
purpose. And we you know, Kevin Samuels aside, we know from the
Dean, that that's, that's nothing to do, like, of course, the
treatment and the respect and you know, looking after it's all that
but we're talking about another level here. We're not talking
about just good treatment, which of course the process hadn't
advised us or to, you know, to treat our lives with. We're
talking about somebody who exists for your happiness, and that's not
the guy that you want. Because that's not the guy that will lead
your family. That's not the guy who can make the hard decisions.
That's not the guy who can, you know, put in the
work necessary, even when you don't like it, because I remember
just briefly I want to share this story. I remember when my late
husband and our children when we left Egypt for during the solar,
we went to South Africa because the the revolution was kicking off
in Egypt and had cut the internet. And so we left to go South Africa,
we were there for about two months. And when we while we were
there, just for fun, we said, you know, in South Africa, they open
up houses on the weekend for people to drive in the
neighborhood that they like, and go and see show houses, right, go
see houses for sale. So we did that just for fun one day, had, we
sold this house, and we just fell in love with this house. It was
just such a beautiful house. And we didn't own any property at that
time. And
we talked about it, we discussed, you know, is there a possibility
of going back to Egypt with the need to establish ourselves in
South Africa, etc, etc. And we decided to put an offer for the
house. So from that day, I hardly saw him. Because he woke up at 6am
Every day, and went to like the common area, and just was on his
grind. He was just on his grind. I was stuck in the one room with the
kids, I think there were three of them at the time, trying to keep
them off Cartoon Network, okay, trying to keep them busy with
Kumaon. And, you know, maths papers and just trying to keep
them busy on my own right. And he was on his grind. And he was doing
this thing and martial arts about a cola. I don't know how long it
took him to do it. But he made the money to buy that house in that
period of time. Why do I share this martial arts article? Or why
do I share this though,
because a man who is on his purpose has to focus on his
purpose. And if you're married to a man who's on his purpose, your
role is to support him, as he goes out and gets these things, he goes
out and fights for these things goes out and finds the things that
are needed for the family. So in those periods of time, and there
could be many of them.
It's not going to be the relationship that you want. You
don't want to be like a single parent, of course not, you know,
you want help with the kids you want, you know, a break you want,
you know not to have to do this and not to have to do that, right.
But your role at that time is to support the vision. He's out there
doing the thing, your role is to support. And I think it's really
important for us all in whatever capacity were called on to do this
is to play your role on the team, you know, just play your part on
the team. And don't sabotage the team through your own personal
stuff. That's where that emotional regulation comes in.
Right? Because if you don't have control of your emotions, and that
doesn't mean you have to be perfect with it every day or every
moment. But when your emotions when you lead purely by emotion
with no element of logic in it, that's when you can sabotage the
relationship. And that can be problematic. Right? It's it
sounds,
you know, simplistic, but it's really true. Play your role.
Play the position that you got on the team for.
Okay, there was another point of there where I wanted to the sister
says leadership is given to those who actions represent what they
speak. That's what I mentioned before about the integrity gap.
Right? Leading oneself from indeed himself. Right, it sets a
blueprint, a model for those that are under him that are following
him, his wife and his children. But the ownership on the sister is
this, you vet for that beforehand. Look for integrity beforehand, ask
those questions about the vision beforehand. You know, that's one
of the things that I made a post about before. If you're not
following me on IG, you should necessarily i Let me.
Remember,
check for integrity, check for what his vision is. And then ask
them what role can you play in that to support it? That's one of
the things you can do to help. Right. That's one of the things
you can do to see what his vision is.
Where do you want to take the family and how do you see me
helping in that role?
And see what he responds. And if he doesn't even give you a clearer
vision than I think that tells you something that in and of itself.
If he gets uncomfortable that you asked him about that, I think that
tells you something as well. Yeah, but it made me purpose. This is a
this is an ally you this is this is you gave him a you know, it's
like taking a test and all you have to do is write your name to
get an eight right if you ask him that type of
Worship for man has really been focused.
So for the brothers who are listening, you want to be focusing
you want to be able to answer that question. I want to just go into
this. This question here, masha Allah says says there she was
talking about is asking why
basically not?
Oh, it was quite important actually. Because she was saying
like, if you ask why is that a sign that is that always a sign of
confrontation? That's right. So she was explaining to say there
are different ways that people process information. Some people
focus on what someone when someone why I ask why questions to
understand why people do things instead of assuming. And then she
mentioned that Allah allowed that messengers to ask questions in
order to understand, but I'm wondering whether this is the type
of question that you could have the type of conversation you could
have with somebody that you're considering marrying? Which is,
how do you feel about me asking when you've made a decision? Or
when you're considering something? How do you feel about me asking
why, and have that conversation? What do you think?
Yeah, I think.
So I think I think
tone in diction is important.
So if you're going to use the question of why I think it's
important, what is your tone?
You know, when are you asking why?
Right? And if you're going to say, why is another way to word it?
Right? Because again, we got to remember, if you if you look,
what I what I say often is this sisters, what I need you to do, is
that same level of
thinking, discernment that you use at work, I want you to use it at
home with your husband, just as you are meticulous in how you word
things with your supervisor at work, I want you to have that same
level of discernment and being meticulous about how you word
things with your husband. So maybe why isn't the best way to ask the
question? Maybe just having a conversation with him. You're
understanding what the why is. And then you also have to ask
yourself, why are you still asking why?
Because is this really asking why so that you can finally get him to
change his mind? Or to see that you're really right out there?
You've already had the conversation.
So I think, tone diction, when you're having a conversation, and
what's the reason for having a conversation? If it's literally
clarity, then okay.
But I would make sure I'm in the right space mentally and
emotionally before I sought that clarity. But I wouldn't make that
a prerequisite for me to follow. Moving. That's the sticking point,
isn't it? That's the submission piece. That was the submission
piece, right? Get it? You don't have to get it you don't have to
understand why. fall in line.
Okay, okay, for the masses and his check bag again.
When one fall in line,
because that's what you're gonna do at work,
aren't, lets me know,
you're going to do that at work, you're going to fall in line and
give your supervisor what he's asking of you, regardless of what
you think, regardless of what you feel. So give that same deference
to the man who's been given the divine mandate to be your provider
and your protector.
Which by the way, not brother, I would not advise you to stay in a
situation where she can't give that to you. does not ask him for
too much. He some pushback for you.
I am sorry. But it sounds really terrible. If I have to act with my
husband, as our act at work with my manager know what I'm asking
you to do is have that discernment, meaning you pause and
you think about what you're saying. Now, if you don't think
you need to have that with your spouse, I would suggest you
revisit the role you should play as a wife.
There's always there's always room to think before you speak. And so
what I'm suggesting is the same time when you're at work, and you
think before you
disagree with your supervisor, or how you're going to disagree with
your supervisor.
Your husband is definitely deserving deserving of that same
discernment and respect.
So
yeah, I
If I please, I'm welcome to push back. To me this is rudimentary.
You do it at work, meaning, you literally will think about your
thinking before you express your thoughts. You will definitely
think about your feelings before you allow your feelings to color
the experience.
Why not do that at home?
So what happens is this, you, ABC, you know, as the event B is a
belief, C is the consequences emotionally, the constantly
emotional consequence, the behavioral consequence, the A at
work supervisor says something that I disagree with. What is the
thinking that be the thinking is, I don't like this. However, it's
not the end of the world, I can handle it, and I need to pay for
my kids private school.
This see is I'm irritated. This seat. So emotional, see emotional
consequences, I'm irritated. The behavioral consequence is, I agree
with him. And I and I, and I complete the report after work
hours. Why not because your supervisor told you to, but
because of the be the belief, the narrative, the meaning you
created, about what your supervisor said, the B is what you
have control over, you don't have control over the supervisor, you
have control over the belief, the narrative you create, after your
supervisor says something requests something that you don't like,
what you that narrative, that meaning you create it is what
produced the sea. Right? That frustration and irritation which
is a healthy negative emotion, that healthy alternative to anger,
and produce the US sitting down at your desk and filling out that
report and getting to him after hours before you left your job.
So what I'm seeing is that same formula I want you to use at home
with your husband,
I want you to be able to sit down with yourself in the moment. And
question What are you telling yourself? When you hear something
that you don't like?
Right? When you experience any emotion that is uncomfortable? I
want you to ask yourself, What am I telling myself?
Because what you told yourself when your supervisor asked you to
fill out that report before you leave work today, that emotion you
create it
came from the narrative that you created once he said that.
So that's what I'm saying you should do. I'm not saying you need
to act as you act or put on the mask that you put on when you at
work. I'm not saying that. But what I'm saying is I want you to
have that same deference for your husband, to give him that
modality.
That deliberate thinking I II, this event happened, this is the
narrative I created. And this is how I feel and this is what I do
what I did, is this constructive or helpful or not enough? It's
not. I'm gonna go back and change the way I'm thinking so that I get
the outcome that I would like,
or be able to influence the outcome that I would like, that's
what I'm asking you to do.
Okay, put your comments in the chat. Guys. Let us know your
thoughts on that. And I need to know from Bob, he said he
witnessed the cringy us youtube channel so he's here to clean his
brain with common sense. I love that. Because I can locate him
please do tell us what was the cringe we all want to know in sha
Allah. Okay, so I think we are going to try this. So so much
here, Mashallah. Lots of love coming in here for what you're
saying. Obviously, the sisters and the brothers are giving this an
air hole.
issue with one times it's about both wife and husband having to
pretend so they no longer have a safe place to offset. I think
another issue, really, to be honest, is that in a lot of
families, the husband is not the sole provider, or maybe even the
main provider. And I think that's where it becomes an issue for
maybe many sisters, you guys can let me know in the chat is if
you're both working, if you're both contributing to the
household, right. And if you know you basically can't survive
without both incomes or whatever. There is an element of know if
we're going to make decisions, especially decisions that involve
money or finances and stuff like that. We need to be making these
decisions together. I can't just
you know, my husband column doesn't leave the holes you create
though. Yeah, I know. There's still a narrative you create.
Well, guys, I'm articulating that is the narrative so what's what
are your thoughts on that?
Are
you asking me? Are you asking them because I think it's problematic?
Well, it may well be problematic. But what's, what's the answer?
Because one, okay, I will say this if your wife is getting lunch? No,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait a second. No, we're not accepting
that. Because if you are a kept woman, or everyone knows that
everyone knows this is the problem is some sisters not all not
accepting that, that, that divine structure, men, okay, hold on a
second. Because if you bring that you're talking about an ideal, but
we're talking about a less than ideal situation where the woman is
a provider or a breadwinner. That's not the ideal scenario. And
that's why it's not very helpful to come with. Okay, but in the
ideal scenario, okay, let's let's be real, if you are providing
everything for your wife, okay, financially, everything is taken
care of, she does not have to worry or think about anything. Um,
nine times out of 10, she's going to allow you to lead, no push
back, nothing to say. The minute you're the minute and again, I
could be wrong, guys, but I think
we'll go ahead and you
listen, at the end of the night.
Yeah, okay. I'm not gonna vouch for the OMA Okay, today's not the
day. But what I will say, you're right, I'm not a mathematician,
even the, you know, I think most women understand that, if he's
leading the house financially, he takes the lead Hollis, where the
waters become muddy is where she is performing part of his
traditional role. So if you have both parents working, and I have
friends like this, that's why I'm bringing this up. And because this
is a real thing, and obviously, a lot of the time we speak in terms
of the man working woman at home, I would love to see actual figures
on how often that's actually happening in Muslim homes,
especially today. Right? How many Muslim homes are based on a single
income? How many Muslim homes are based on an income or on a system
where the wife may work, but her money is her own. And she doesn't
spend it on the house. I have friends who both parents work
their teachers, they both work the same hours, they bring in more or
less the same amount, and decisions like buying a property,
you know, fixing up a place holidays, etc. She's paying for
that. Right? So I don't I think it's disingenuous to say that,
that doesn't change the dynamic. I think that it's it's problematic
to say that that doesn't change the dynamic somehow. And if you do
say that it doesn't change the dynamic. I would like you to
explain how
sometimes I do disagree with him guys. Can I just say sometimes I
do. I do disagree. Okay. And I will speak out. That I know, say,
Well, I disagree, but just do it wrong.
It's I'm Hope I'm open to being wrong. But this is the reality. So
what's so I agree with the client that I told you about in terms of
being a caretaker, that's one of the things that she mentioned, as
well, she's earning more. And she's paying, for example, car
leaves, and phone bills, and all of these other things and
groceries. And so I know that that reality exists, I get it. The
point that I'm saying though, is you can still have the narrative
that this is my husband, he is the leader of the home, and I will
defer to him as the leader. That's the point that I'm making, you're
choosing to have a different narrative that since I'm bringing
in 5050, or I'm bringing in 50%, or some I'm contributing period
than I have, because I'm bringing in some financial means I have a
seat at the table in terms of decision making. That's a
narrative. You construct that.
Yeah, and construct it, you can deconstruct it. And I'm
that's my question. Why?
Because if you're dealing with a masculine man, not the dream, Oh
no, here we go. So
so
it if you're dealing with a masculine man, or you know, versus
someone who's a, you know, the nice guy type, then it's not an
issue. But if you're dealing with a masculine man, he's going to
want to naturally lead.
So then it's producing consequences to the relationship.
So that's why you shouldn't do it. When I wouldn't have to deal with
the religion aspect of this. Just the reality is you're dealing with
a masculine man. He's not going to
Except, and it's not going to rub him well, that you are controlling
and leading the marriage.
How is the masculine man okay with her working and paying half the
bills then? So he, so he may not be? I'm not saying that he is. But
for whatever reason, yes, you know, there's multiple, multiple
reasons how they could get in that dynamic. But that may have been
something that they agreed upon at the very beginning before they got
married, then the question would become, says, Why did you marry?
Okay, why? Why is that a question?
Because if you don't want to be contributing to the marriage, and
you don't want if you want to work, and you don't want your
funds to have to be given to the family success, then you shouldn't
be married a man that's going to tell you that now if in the
progress of the relationship, something comes up and injury,
harm, something comes up. And then he asked you to that's a different
conversation.
But going into a marriage, and it's this, this scenario, you're
talking about going into a marriage with at least 5050?
Initially?
Is that what we're talking about? Because if they're I think in many
in many people's Yeah, in many people's situations, okay. Parents
are working. Let's roll with it. If that's the case, and it's
something where it's further question is this need bass, or she
grew up wanting to be a engineer, or wanting to be a doctor, and
she's gone too far into her education, and she wants to get
something out of this education. Now, for the sake of argument,
let's say needs based, okay, if it's a needs based, even if it's a
needs based situation, the question becomes, if he's
naturally a masculine man, he's going to want to meet.
So you still haven't answered the question, though. The question is,
are you saying, Are you saying that say and again, yes, use the
example both parents or teachers, like I said, more or less earning
the same amount, okay. Their combined incomes, keep the family
going, right? It's not like one of them is paying for everything, and
the other one is saving their combined income is what keeps the
family going. So in a situation like that, what I'm saying is that
many women would not be okay with not having a seat at the table.
That's her money that she worked for, to put into the pot. So to
say she shouldn't even expect a seat at the table to discuss, like
the plans and the vision and what's going on and everything
like that, because that's what's on the table.
Okay, okay. Okay. See, this is what I appreciate. This is what I
appreciate. I love I appreciate this. This is what you did.
No one and we said this is the very beginning so you can check
the tape. It's not about you not having a voice. It's about the
final decision. Okay, so I'm not saying you don't have a seat at
the table to have a voice. I'm saying you don't have a seat at
the table to make the final decision. Yes. But because you
said no seats at the table. Hey, hello. Hello. Can we roll the
tape? No.
You don't get a seat at the table if you have a masculine man he
wants to leave you don't get a seat at the table. Right in terms
of the final decision okay.
So that means that we sat at the table we talked we discussed we
weighed up we deal with this and then by the time it was decision
time I was ejected from the table said okay I'll deal with this from
now on yeah
basically just just for spice just was fine to set off the sisters in
the in the chat you dismissed no no I'm the one who's going to be
set off not the sisters in the chat.
Yeah, we need to discuss you can leave now
some issues now.
Problem problems I go to have some problems Can you guys imagine like
no you guys can tell me in your country because different cultures
right? Have different approaches to women working right and I know
we've got much other some Nigerians in the chat and on the
channel. And I know like you're about women, like you're about
women got their hustle on 24/7 Okay, give me a yes of the chat
that you guys know what I'm talking about. You're about women.
They've got their hustle on and a lot of countries out of the west
and even in the West. Anyway. Women working having some kind of
job, somebody's having some kind of, you know, hustle, hustle as
they say. It's it's it's like it's mandatory or not
and strike kids go to school in Kansas State, because being a
housewife is a luxury. Being a housewife is a luxury and a
privilege. And I think one of the conversations that we've been
having, and that a lot of the sisters have been having is, for
sisters who are able to stay home, who have the luxury of not having
to work,
it kind of
it's unfortunate to hear them, they are chomping at the bit to
get out into the workforce, right, because they are actually the
privileged ones. They are the lucky ones, right? They're the
blessed ones who don't have to do that. For everybody else. It's a
case of for many people, it's a case of it's a necessity, right,
this is what I have to do. And you know, in the UK, for example, back
in the 90s, early 2000s, probably before that, you know, if you were
a mother, you could stay at home, follow us like you would get
benefits that will give you benefits, you know, they'll give
you all this help from the government welfare stuff, even if
you're married, but they've cut all of that. And now after the
last child is a certain age, they are on your case to see where are
you working, if you're not working, we're cutting your
benefits, you're not going to get benefits anymore, if you don't
show that you're looking for a job, they want people out in the
workplace, they don't want you at home. So it's you know, I like the
fact that we can have this conversation, we can have this
back and forth. And we can also see how it's not just one way,
there isn't one situation that has one view, you know, there are so
many diverse experiences of this. But I think to kind of bring it
all back, and hopefully give the sisters and the brothers you know,
something beneficial from from this fat is that at the end of the
day, a man is a man is a man. And a man will always appreciate
respect and expect to be respected by his wife, regardless,
regardless guys, and if you can hold on to respecting him,
regardless of the finances, whether you earn more whether you
unless we do both contributing, etc. It will be easier to to be in
that relationship right to be in that marriage. Because a man, even
that man who cleans the streets, when he goes home, he wants
respect.
The gardener who then looking after the gardening when he goes
home, Baba,
as we say in Zimbabwe, right, Baba, he is he's the father, you
know, he's the man. And most men in almost every culture, I think
every man in every culture, that is what He requires, in order for
him to feel good in that role for him to to perform in that role,
right? So it helps to just bear that in mind that your respect
shouldn't be conditional. Your respect for your husband should
not be conditional. And again, we're not talking about crazy
stuff. We're not talking about somebody who has done crazy things
and has, you know, has has lost your respect through bad behavior
and betrayal and blah, blah, blah. We're just talking about the
financial piece here. But yeah.
Let's take a look.
I want to show these profiles.
Can we do that? Yeah. It says here, why can't it be mutual when
it comes to making decisions? I think we discussed this, there is
a discussion over decisions. But the final say, is the one who is
responsible before Allah subhanaw taala.
Final say is with the one who is responsible before Allah. And I
think that that's a good way of framing it for any sister who's
struggling with that, is that your
wow, look, your energy is going to end your marriage, I'm not sure
who to hear was talking to, hopefully not to me. But
you know, it helps to remember that this is not a power play.
This is not about power. This is about responsibility, actually. So
when it comes to the man being the leader, the man you know, taking
the lead making the decision. It's not because he's the powerful one,
no, because he has all the power. He has the responsibility and he
is accountable. And Allah subhanaw taala is going to question him
about it. And you know, I don't think that's something that we
want to trade to be honest with you guys can have it.
Yeah, that's the that's that's an interesting point that I never
really understood what says, like what why do you?
Why do you want that heavy of a responsibility?
Like because it's framed in power and freedom, not responsibility.
That's why that's the framing. It's he can do whatever he wants.
He can make anything happen he can go wherever he wants, you know, no
one questions him right. freedom and power. When actually it's a
huge responsibilities Pamela, and I don't think that we look at it
like that enough. Yeah, I just
I think it's, you know, one of the things when I've, when I first
converted, one of the things that really stood out to me is
it was the first time that it really came to my mind that my
Lord is going to
account for every penny that has touched my hands. Like, the little
penny that's in the couch, or did you just always means nothing like
every single ounce
of Fiat resource that has touched your hand? He has a ledger for
that's a huge responsibility. Every dime every penny, that's a
huge responsibility.
And
there's a divine wisdom of why he gave it to me.
But it just definitely, I just always wondered, why do women want
that level of responsibility?
We think about how much money just comes through your hands.
It's the and I guess you're right. It's how it's framed. Right? In
terms of it's not been so much about responsibility, it's about,
I guess, power control.
Yes, and maybe that's just been our interpretation and the story
that we tell ourselves, you know, so sometimes, like, like we talked
about yesterday, we look at our parents, and we look at previous
generations, and we we frame their actions, you know, the men in my
family had all the power, for example, the men in my family were
controlling, for example, right. And while that could be true, it
could also be something that you've not acknowledged, which was
that my the men in my family took responsibility for the women and
the children, the men in my family took care of all the x y Zed in
our family, the men in our family had to deal with a, b, c, d, in
order for us to be able to do X, Y, and Zed. And I think it's just
helpful for both sexes, to be able to see the work of the other, and
appreciate the work of each other and not envy the work of the other
because Allah didn't give you that work, right, if needed, didn't
give it to you. So another side point, I mentioned this to my wife
the other day, and
think
I think this is an important point that sisters, especially those who
are housewives,
because it was a healthy jealousy of my wife,
I came home and my daughter was doing something different. And she
had made this like,
my daughter made this kind of design for me, craft thing. And
one of the things that I was saying to my wife was
there's a blessing and being able to be the provider, and to go out
and, and take care of your family.
But one of the costs to that is, you miss out on those subtleties
with your children. So I come home, and I receive the craft that
was made for me, and I'm thankful Hamdulillah.
But I miss the nuance and the experience of choosing the color.
Why do you do you? Do you know why this color? Why this particular
craft versus this one, and just the amazement of a child when they
are constructing something and why they thought about this, versus
that, that whole gap between the beginning of the product or the
craft that she's thinking of making versus the end product.
When you are out earning for your family, you miss that whole
beautiful experience that happens? Right, and you only get the kind
of talent
and that's just a subtle blessing that sisters have those who are
housewives
that, you know, can be overlooked. Right?
If, if you're not in the other shoes, right? Because, you know,
for housewives, you know, they're there and they see it. Right, so
they're in it. But for me who's outside have husbands that are
outside of it and then come home and see kind of the end result
we're appreciative of the end result, but then it kind of it can
hit you that you know, you miss kind of the process. And the
process is
is that thing
and I think that that's first of all shout out that's a really a
really beautiful reflection Mashallah. But I think it's also
something that a lot of fathers are aware of, that maybe mothers
don't
don't feel as keenly right that while the majority of the load of
parenting is on the mother,
she also gets more of the joy. I think she gets more joy. The the
subtle changes, the little quirks, the getting to know the children
on such a granular level, which of course is one of those blessings
that we miss out on when we're in complaining mode, right? Why do I
have to do this? Why am I always stuck with the kids? Oh, God, I
hate that expression so much. It's such a sad expression. I'm here
all day stuck with the kids. Wow.
Wow.
What about a very interesting question. Good.
What about if you've had a child from a previous marriage where the
dad is completely out of the picture? Does your new husband
have the final say over the child? Even if it's not his biologically?
Yeah, it's tough for us. What's the one? This is one of the
reasons why some men are of the perspective that they would prefer
a woman that doesn't have children.
This issue right here?
Because it's not an easy one. No, it's not an easy one at all. And I
Okay, so let me throw my hat in the ring. Let me throw my hat in
the ring and say what I think on this one, and I think that if a
man has come in, as a father figure, early enough in the
child's development,
you have a chance, right? If he feels paternal towards that child,
and he shows up in a paternal way, meaning that he takes
responsibility, then I do think you have to once you've once
again, again, it goes to your point about making sure that you
vet correctly in the first instance, but also that you do
give yourself time to acclimatized, right. So you don't
meet him in month one. in month three, you do Nick, and he moves
in with you and your kid, right. And then he's in charge, that for
me is is a recipe for a lot of discomfort all round for the
child, for the mother, and for the new man, right. So let's look at a
scenario where in month one, you start talking, you do your
vetting, and everything like that, and who do marry, you do Nikka and
you have time of heart where he can get to know the child, you can
vet him, you can get to know the child's understand how the child
works, etc. The child becomes familiar with him. So by the time
you are together in a family home, the child knows him and they've
established some kind of relationship, and you also know
him enough to trust him to make decisions for your child or your
children. What do you think of that? No, I think that's I think
that's, again, this is why I mentioned earlier to the system
from
before that I look, your marriage or your next marriage does not
need to fit in the box of someone else.
I firmly believe in making it Hello. Right? Get in the car. But
give yourself time to really see if there is integrity. Yeah,
before you introduce them to your kids. Yeah.
Yeah, I agree. And I think it's one of the things that, you know,
this issue with with polygamy, which we've discussed a lot,
right?
Is that at least one of the things that you can say, if we're going
to make an argument for marrying a man who already has a family is
that you know, a little bit at least, about him as a family man.
Right? You know, to a certain extent, how he moves, how he looks
after his family. And of course, no guarantees, guys, but nobody's
out here offering guarantees, but you do have some kind of
indication of how he is as a family, man, how he talks about
his children, how involved he is, et cetera, et cetera, and have the
discussion. I'm a big proponent, sisters, don't assume anything
about the man who marries you when you have children. Don't make
assumptions about how involved he's going to be, how much
responsibility he wants to take how much time he wants with them.
Don't make any assumptions. Ask him what his vision is. Ask him
how he wants to play this. Ask him what he's prepared to put in what
he wants out of it, and then make a decision based on that. Because
I have an example of a sister who was talking with a brother and it
was one of those where they were talking for a year. Okay, and he
lived in another town and she had young children and she
She was a sister who was not coping with her young children,
like their behavior was really bad. The house was a mess, she was
so overwhelmed, right? And,
and this guy, obviously, she fell in love with him, right. And he
was the one piece of joy that she had, right. So when they would
have the conversations and all the rest of it, you know, it was this
break from her really chaotic home life.
But he said to her, I am not available to be a stepdad. That's
not what I want. I want to come and see you a couple of weekends a
month, we'll enjoy each other's company, and then I'm gonna go
back to my town. And the thing is, because she liked him, she may
even have loved him, she was willing to entertain that
scenario, because she wanted to lock him in, lock him down. And my
point was this, there is a complete mismatch between what he
has to give and what you require, you need help. That's the bottom
line, right? For better or for worse, right or wrong. You are not
coping, you're not coping with these kids, you are under
pressure, financially, mentally, physically, etc. So you cannot be
some guys, we can flame. You don't have the bandwidth for that,
right? Because it doesn't solve your main problem. The fact that
he came down to see you on the weekend, and somehow you managed
to find childcare to deal with the kids. While you know, you saw him,
that doesn't solve your problem. And that for me, we had this
conversation yesterday. That's the type of marriage that Organica
that people will do out of desperation. They want to lock him
in, they want the physical peace. So they agreed to a deal that
ultimately is going to frustrate them because there is no way that
that sister would marry that brother. And within a month or
two, not start asking him for more. Not saying but you know
what, I understand that we had this conversation, but I really
need you know, can you come and meet my kids? Like she starts to
try and put them together? You know, like, say, Oh, why don't we
take the kids out with him. And he's like, Nabil, I didn't come
here for that. And she's just like, you know, but my kids need a
father figure. They still young, you know, and all of this stuff.
And he's just like,
we had this conversation. And I told you, I'm not available for
that. So anyway, long story short, have the conversation beforehand,
guys don't assume anything. And also, don't take it as a red flag.
If a brother says I'm not going to be financially responsible for
your kid, right? Because that's something that you see a lot
online people saying, oh, you know,
doesn't accept me and my kids is a package and all this kind of
thing.
I told you, I've said it before it's common. You sisters keep
other sisters single.
Because you will hear that phrase, and then looking at comments, all
of the sisters chiming in gig or if he just if he doesn't take care
of your kids, then he's not good enough for you. He doesn't deserve
you.
Yeah, yeah, I think if you marry if you
if you find a man of resources, he he is going to be very meticulous
about his resources. That doesn't mean he won't allocate funds to
you, that you can then use for your kids. He may do that. But
don't demand that he has to use his resources on kids that he
didn't partake in creating.
Well, this is the this is the uncomfortable, which another point
to that example you gave earlier, because I wasn't on the live
yesterday for that part.
The only pushback that I would give that is it depends on what
the sister has determined is the major issue. So when you sit down
with a client, you ask them, you know, what is the issue you want
to focus on today? Right.
So they can have a laundry list of things that are challenging them,
but they prioritize this and this to be the issue. And so I think we
have to also give deference to sisters who are acknowledging that
emotional connection and physical connection are my top priorities.
Because if I don't have that, I'm going to solve that problem in a
unhealthy haram way. My kids situation, situation, be real
about that. Right? Because the kids in the home being a mess and
the kids having, you know, challenging behaviors that can
take
years to fix that. Right? Change doesn't happen overnight,
especially when you're trying to get rid of problematic behaviors
and kids and in ourselves, right, it's not an overnight process. So
that may take some time. And she may understand that, right?
Because that may deal with some trauma from the previous marriage.
So it just depends on what exactly as she identified as the major
issue. The thing is, I might, if the thing is if that's my sister,
right, and sisters talking to sisters, and her children are
young,
again, everybody's free to do what they want. And they'll answer to
allow for that, right. And Allah help all of us. But I would have
thought that strategically, you looking for a step daddy, that
strategically, you're looking for a man who's prepared to pay start
to play some kind of role in stabilizing your home environment.
And my position is, if you believe in this period of time, that the
most important thing for you is your physical or emotional as an
older Auntie, I will say, okay, see how that works out for you.
Because trust them believe in a few months time, you're going to
be on that guy's case, because what he's giving you is not going
to be enough.
For example, how does that with the example that the system
mentioned earlier in the chat, she got trust issues, but she also may
have physical needs? No, no, no, no, no, no, no sisters like that.
You know, no, I'm never, never never No way. No, no, no, you do
not go into a contract and negotiate to deal with trauma. You
can't do that. You go into a negotiated deal like that with
trust issues and trauma owns like I said, see how it works out for
you. Just because you got physical it didn't get there. I did not
know.
So how is it working for people that go into marriages without
trust issues? It's not act like the divorce rate is you know, 1%
in the Muslim community.
Repeat please. I short circuited what? That's how good of a point
it was. No, it's no point. It's Oh, hold on. Let me let me let me
articulate this without you cutting me off. The male's
perspective is the right perspective. Did you see the
meaning?
I'm sure everybody's paying a lot of attention. Yes. Carry on.
As the most important part the male's perspective is this right
what's what was the thing that you said? I didn't hear because I
short circuited um, so no, I'm so against this so against this you
know what I decided I'm gonna do you know, the the conversation we
had yesterday, guys, Matty to Johnny, the creator of no strings.
The cow was on the live stream yesterday. And today, I was
thinking to myself, I'm going to snip the comp, that part of the
conversation where we're talking about the rights and wrongs of it,
and I'm going to release it with one of those click Beatty
thumbnails, and I'm going to say name a B. Robert destroys no
strings. No.
big debate must watch.
Yeah, it's good. I probably wasn't on the live at that time. Because,
you know,
you know, we, again, I will say this, and I've said it before,
it's easy. It's easy for people to
it's easy for people to come at me. It's easy for people to come
at the service he's providing, the more difficult thing is to address
the need in the community. Yeah, actually, what he said was, in the
end, he didn't even he didn't even come and say much, to be honest.
He said, it's a bad solution to a worst problem. Basically, he said,
it's a bad solution to a worse problem. And the worst problem is
the zenith. So this way of making those relationships halal, at
least in you know, like the letter of the law, that's what he said.
So there was nothing to argue it wasn't even a debate to be honest,
guys, if you were there yesterday, you know, it wasn't really a
debate wasn't even a debate at all. But I just thought for the
views. Yeah.
Yeah, I think that's that's the point. Again, I think we I think
we have to acknowledge the natural need, and sisters, we acknowledge
it for brothers, but we rarely acknowledge it for sisters, and to
try to force a sister that's mature Voysey, late 30s, early 40s
and older,
to not have natural desires that for the past 20 years of her life
was fulfilled by her husband, to try to act like we don't need to
address
That,
I think or that she should just somehow be able to now magically
*, ignore it. I just don't think that that's that's
constructive.
Let her be the adult, let her be the adult to make a decision that
works for her.
Because trauma, healing and trauma, you act like that's going
to, that's going to be
that she is going to heal from that. And three months, six
months, a year, two years, that could be a 1015 year journey
process. And in the meantime, what's happening a revolving door,
like know that in the meantime, for some cases, again, for the
masculine is that would like to take this and say that I'm
articulating something different. For some, the bigger issue is, I
want to make sure I secure my standing with my Lord, by not
engaging in behaviors that I know, I'm going to have to be answering
for. So that means I'm in a situation where this brother, and
I get together a few times every two weeks, we may travel together.
And that's pretty much it. And he calls and checks on me. And that's
it. That's better than one engaging in the impermissible,
which we know, sisters do.
That's one and two, it allows for that physical discomfort to be
addressed and alleviated. It allows for that box of I'm
unlovable to have some evidence that I may be while you then do
that deep work on changing those core unhelpful beliefs that were
developed from the trauma.
That's what this is for. That's what I'm saying. You got, I would
suggest for some sisters, they need to alleviate some of the
discomfort, some of the pressure, especially when they know they're
going to fulfill that desire.
If the guy
and again, I lean in, turn and say the male's perspective is the
right perspective, you are a male, you're not the male perspective,
there are many men who do not share your perspective, if I may
be so bold as to say, okay, and I think that the chat can definitely
definitely attest to that. But like I said, if that's where we're
at, that's where we're at. If it's a choice between Zina and making
some kind of arrangement, then that's where you're at. But two
more questions. Just single sisters. That's where they're at.
on mass. I don't accept that. But see, this is this is the See, I've
noticed something with you. After five minutes of a heated debate,
you go this way. Because that's not an argument that I'm making.
I'm not making the argument that all sisters on mass.
But you just slid that in that's not what I'm saying. Yeah, because
I don't, because we're taking exceptions or we're taking
specific examples, right, and saying sisters, and I'm just
saying, format fulfill for me, personally, I qualify. I said some
sisters. Remember I made the point for the mescaline is out there.
They're willing to you know, some sisters, not all sisters. Again,
in
the male's perspective is the right perspective.
Right, moving on swiftly, shall we? Should we move some profiles?
This is my question. I was gonna ask you, though. Would you agree,
though, that we, in general, as a community,
have this perception that a sister should be able to suppress her
physical needs?
Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
Okay. And I think that I think, and I think that
where, again, everybody, not everybody, we talk about the
community
as if it's some monolith, right, which it absolutely isn't, because
people in different generations, different parts of the country,
different cultural backgrounds, different work environments, etc.
Everybody's experiencing things slightly differently. Right. So,
you know, at the end of the day,
the problem is this, while Allah subhanaw taala has, you know,
created desire in men and women.
Women cannot fulfill their desire in
what I'm looking for,
without bearing consequences, the way that men can.
What do I mean by that? If we
Look at the impact of male promiscuity on the male psyche,
and female promiscuity on the female psyche. And how men go into
relationships. They're often how women do. It's different, right?
The woman in the sexual encounter, the woman is the receiver. Right?
So typically, she's the one who's the risk of pregnancy, risk of
STDs, everything is heightened for her. Right. That's why women put
more of a value on their chastity. That's why men put more of a value
on women's chastity than the other way around. Right? This is just
one this is known. So my concern is, who knows what's going to
happen in the future? Right. But my concern is that if we say,
Yeah, women have desires, just like men have desires, therefore,
we know we should be okay with the sisters having like a, like a side
piece, just like how we understand the brothers might need a second
wife, right, for example, right? My concern is that those
relationships that are kind of negotiated, my one of my concerns
is that they will not last, okay, that the majority of them are not
lost. And even brother Matthew himself said that on a huger much
bigger platform than mine, which he does not expect these
relationships to last, mainly because they're there to fulfill
the need. And once that need has dissipated, and has been eased,
somewhat, other issues come and those issues are not resolvable.
That's the problem. It's baked into the contract that this is
short, not short term, but this is like earlier, this is something
light, this is something fun, right? Once it stops being fun,
it's no longer viable. Once it starts becoming heavy, it's no
longer viable. If that sister falls pregnant, relationships not
viable. If she starts to have feelings and want more from him.
It's no longer viable. So my thing is, yes, you may avoid an
immediate consequence. Because if you are about to commit Zina, then
that's where you're at, right. But my concern is not the short term,
it's the longer term view. But at the end of the day,
when renting home and guarding the private parts, that takes
precedence certainly takes precedence over what I think so
hey.
And that's just for clarity, that's essentially my point, says,
if you can handle it, if you can handle your desires, and not
engage in the Haram, then this is not for you. But if you are self
aware to enough to know that you cannot, and the reason why you
know that you can't, is because you look at the behaviors you're
consistently doing post divorce, then that tells you this is a
problematic area for you. So then it's best for you, if you can't
control it,
to make it permissible. That's the point for me. And I just, I think
that
we have this kind of perception for sisters, that one, they don't
have a desire and two, that they should be able to
suppress it, for lack of better words. And I'm okay with saying
majority can, but there are some who struggle with that.
Right? And if they struggle with that,
you know, if they choose this type of
well, at the end of the day, you know, there's levels to this,
right. So if you are at that stage, then you know, the lesser
of two evils we all know this is this is
the shadow right? One of the point with that is like the reality is
also once you get on your second marriage, third, the likelihood of
divorce increases. Right? But what's the answer to that though?
Because that for me, I'll be I'm so sorry to just jump in there.
But that for me feels so
almost nihilistic, right? Because you know what it reminds me of,
and again, maybe I'm going to, I could be, I could be taking your
point and running away with it completely. But if that is the
case, which it is, it's a fact, right? We know factually data,
since the data tells us that after your first marriage dissolves your
chances of you divorcing after your second firm, it just
increases as you skyrocket. So, skyrockets also skyrockets, your,
if you have had multiple partners, right? If you've had more than one
partner, again, your ability to be satisfied in a marriage goes down
by 50% all kinds of these this data, right? But my problem with
that is
so saying on your third marriage, does that mean now that what
you're looking at is a revolving door and you just need to be at
peace with that? Because what is what is it that we're actually
saying here? We know that there is a possibility of you know, of
divorce and it gets higher. So Does that not mean that we should
be evil
more discerning, and even more careful, and restraining ourselves
more. Because if I that's that's that for me, it's like chop logic.
Because if we're saying, well, once you've been divorced three
times, it doesn't make a difference three 710. That's what
that's what's down.
No one's saying that. But I was making I was making that point of
you said that must be made the point that he knows that these
marriages probably won't last right? You're going to end a
divorce. And my point is, even if you go in, in the most ideal
situation, on your second or third marriage, the numbers are already
there, that it's a high likely that it won't last in that
category as well. So my point is just to say,
this is harm reduction. Period.
Right. And, and I think and again, when I say harm reduction, what I
mean is sisters that are self aware enough to know that they
struggle with things stand and allow way when they're in a
relationship.
And that's prevalent in our community.
Like that's not what's prevalent promiscuity Xin us.
Oh, well, you lost me there mate. prevalent in our community. Let's
be clear what we're talking about here because I don't you can't say
that. Zina is prevalent in the Muslim community, who are we
talking about?
Which community?
Opening
in the general in the general and right, obviously, this is very
broad.
Brothers and sisters are dating and being physically intimate.
Am I? Okay, so.
So, from the work that I do, that's my experience, and that's
what I know.
And I work as you know, Georgia sisters, this is our dating.
They're being intimate before marriage. No, we have to stop with
this sisters are doing this. I have to I have to put you. Okay.
Okay. So let me put this right here and let this stand the test
of time. Because I've said it before, but I'll put it here sort
of moving forward. When I say sisters, I don't mean 100%.
Okay. I mean that there are some sisters that are engaging in this.
This doesn't mean all. And so you see, when you use the word
sisters, let me hear. Let me tell you what I hear. And I suspect it
might be the same for for the for the audience on the platform,
right. We think of systems as practicing Muslim women, not just
Muslim women everywhere around the whole wide world. Okay. Okay.
Well, that you see, that's an important distinction. That's an
important distinction. I'm glad we have a discussion. Because I don't
for me, Sisters is very fundamental. You believe in Allah
and His messenger. Once you check off that box for me, you are a
Muslim, and I consider you a sister. Right. I don't distinguish
between the level of practice once I do, yeah, yeah, no, I do. And I
think we're talking demographically we have to,
because the behaviors are different. The behaviors of Muslim
men who don't pray and who drink alcohol and go to clubs is not the
same standard of behavior as brothers who pray and are in the
masjid and don't touch alcohol. Their behaviors are different.
They may share certain
devices, but levels is level two. This is a woman who is mixing has
boyfriends drinks, shisha, and she's sleeping. She's having
relations outside of marriage. You can't compare her to a practicing
sister who's a single mom trying to get married on was much. You
can't put them on in the same in the same boat. No. So maybe I'm
wrong. Yeah, I'm living in cloud cuckoo land. So it's not about
comparing. It's about talking about a
medium that's been created to address a need for that segment of
the community. But those people don't need this medium. They can
go on Tinder and do what they want to do. The people who don't care
about
I don't think that they don't not make for them. I don't think so. I
don't think that they don't care. The fact that they would go into
this shows an indication that they do care. So that's my point. Is
this the afternoon because they care. I again, I believe what my
dad is doing is he's providing a medium for those
Those that do care. Agreed. My point is when you say sisters, and
you count all Muslims, regardless of level of practice, there are
people who don't care about halal and haram, of which there are many
in the Muslim world in the Muslim community everywhere. They are for
me, not part of this discussion, because they go on Tinder, they go
on hookups, they do whatever they want to do, they're not going to
go on this app, because they don't care about this particular thing.
This app is actually for people who have some level of practicing
right, and to say that these people who have some level of fear
of Allah and whatever degree or having Zina or like committing
Zina, and like having boyfriends and sleeping for marriage, I need
I need data mine someone really some data because I can't see it.
But I could be wrong. I'm happy to be wrong, but I'm not all Muslims
in one box. We can't
hold on. So just for clarity. Are you saying that sisters who pray
and fast
aren't dating? No, there are some who do.
So that contradicts what you're saying? No, because, again, when
you say that you don't make a distinction between practicing non
practicing praying, I'm praying Khaled hijab, that and they're all
sisters. What I'm saying is for the benefit of people on this
stream. When I say sisters, I'm not talking about women who don't
practice Islam at all, because they live by different rules,
right? With a litmus test. This is where I think it gets problematic
when we do that. What's the sound to them? It's down to them. The
litmus test is them if they can, if they care about halal and
haram. Even if it's just in here, then that they're in it. They're
already in a different level. But a lot of people don't even think
about that. It doesn't live their lives. They just live their lives.
What Allah says doesn't mean anything. So for me, I can't come
in amongst when I'm talking about sisters because you're not sisters
like that sisters behave differently. sisters do things
differently. Do they do haram things? Yes, they do. But they
still in a different category.
Okay, so again, my point is this, if a sister does not wear hijab,
maybe prays, you know,
once every two months
where his provocative clothing but believes in Allah and His
Messenger, and hates the fact that she's in a haram relationship. If
she assisted
if she hates the fact she's in a haram relationship, then of course
she can go on the app. And she was always she needs to do but if she
doesn't care
you make an amount because you're making up
No, no, no you are making for everyone in the chat. This has
been a perfect example of how a woman can make a mountain out of a
molehill no it's not a mountain I will die on this mountain I will
die
like it's like it's been alive.
I know you will die from this bone. And I'm gonna be firm on
this mountain over here which is you just proved my point. What I'm
seeing in terms of Sisters is sisters that may have a bare
minimum level of practice and or may have no practice but they have
a belief in Allah and His messenger and they despise or
dislike the fact that they are engaged in the Haram. So what
Murthy has provided is a means it may not be the best means I can
agree with that. But it is a means for them to take a step out of to
alleviate that discomfort that they experience by engaging in the
huddle and my point is is easy as I so for one they're sisters to me
to everybody be aware that when brother NASA says sisters are
doing this and sisters are doing that that is his definition of
sisters not what we in London on the UK term systems because we
know what we mean when we say brothers and sisters and it's not
just the Muslims everywhere and I could be wrong guys but for me
yeah
so maybe maybe I'm colored by my work right so as a coach that
works with with sisters I my for me that's the barometer you
believe in Allah and His Messenger Hollis. That's it. Right like so I
work with sisters from that cover the continuum. And so for me, I
know that that is an element out there. This is the literally what
we would define as habitual practice prayer, fasting, these
type of things that
They may not be consistent with that at all. But they despise and
they acknowledge the fact that they should not be and haram
relationships, and thus this service. And I would suggest to
you, you've also proven my point
that that element of the community,
we don't service. No, we don't. Right. And we should, why?
Because ideally, what we want is we want to bring them into that
category that you say our sisters. So if this category here for me,
is sisters, and yours is over here, eventually, yes, my own
biases, I would desire and want for them to come into your
category. One of the ways that we can get them into your category is
to alleviate some of the discomfort in their life.
And I'm not saying that they have to engage in a no strings. I'm
just saying that's better than what they're engaging in right
now. Maybe, yes. And maybe by alleviating that discomfort that I
have, because I know I'm engaged in something that's a major sin,
that I'm displeasing my lord. By alleviating that discomfort, it
may create the space for me to work on other things that are
causing discomfort in my life. That's the mindset that I use when
I work with sisters in this category.
Right?
Hence, pull them over. So with all of that said, again, lean in, lean
in the male's perspective is the right perspective. Perspective is
your perspective. And just as, just as the comment says, As I
leaned in and said, the mental perspective as the best
perspective, you saw what was there? You saw when
you changed it. I saw it and everyone saw it. And I think
you're both saying the same thing. Gnosis we not saying the same
thing, but I'm not going to be a combative woman. We're going to
move on to the profiles. Okay. Hello, us. I said my piece, I said
what I said, and I change it. Okay, so that's that, right? Let
me see if I can bring this up in sha Allah. So what's the name?
What's the name of your mountain you standing on?
We gotta get a name for that. Because there's gonna be times in
his show where you stand on a mountain, you willing to stand on
a mountain that you know, is complete? It's very rare, but it
has to be done at some point.
I just I find it. I just it makes me I'll be honest, it makes me
profoundly uncomfortable. It makes me profoundly uncomfortable. Yeah.
And there's a look, okay. I mean, we have different roles. You don't
I mean, like, I literally am a coach. So a counselor. So this is
this is I have to be comfortable with that.
Today, I'm getting told All right, go ahead. Go ahead. Surely they
can't be in a different category. Because when it comes down to it,
the viewpoint you're bringing Nyima is more so from an emotional
point. But you're saying the same thing. He's saying no, since I am
not being emotional. Thank you very much. No, no, it is not that
it is that these are different demographics, no matter whether
they named Aisha Fraser or whatever they are different
demographics that have different behaviors. And
what's the name of that mountain? They are not the same. How's that?
Oh, gosh, listen to this a panel. I am so so sorry. I'm not sure
whether I'm not sure whether this is true. No, no, hold on. Just a
name is a prime example of someone who's able to disagree in a
respectful way. Men don't mind disagreeing. They just hate
disagreeable. I don't know about that. K 12. I don't know about
that. Because if I get to niqab tugging, it's gonna get loud. So,
my, my, my apologies for that, but much. Okay, that's a good point.
And I think I think what has was demonstrated here is how we can
disagree, and a respectful way and tone and diction. Right.
Because we definitely
wasn't respectful in tone and diction.
I didn't, I didn't feel as though. You know, there was any
disrespect. So no, I think that was a good example of
disagreement.
And then and then ending with the reality of
the male perspective is the right perspective.
Let's keep this
I have the internet last for us and doesn't do us any nonsense.
Let me know if you can see my screen.
Looks like we're chugging.
In a bit, right. Can you see the screen? I can I can. Okay, this
is going to do this. Okay? No, no, no, no, that's not what I want.
Alright guys, we want to bring up our
some of our profiles that we have. And yeah, that was an the moving
image and we don't want that we don't want to move the image at
all. So bear with me a second while I set that up. i Brother, do
you want to highlight some? Do you want to give some announcements
actually talk to people about the YouTube channel about buying
coffees for people? Yeah, let's get people active. Yeah, and make
sure that you liked the video guys if you liked the video.
So So one of the things that you'll see scrolling at the bottom
is you can contribute to both Sr, Nyima and AI by buying us a cup of
coffee, that would be greatly appreciated. To liking and
subscribing to both of our channels. A brother is under 1000
likes, so I would appreciate it. I'm sorry, 1000 subscribers, so I
would appreciate it. If you go over to my channel, which conveys
the right perspective, which is the male perspective and subscribe
to that to my channel.
No, no, no, no, no, no. I love this. Yeah, I think he's been
around long enough. And he knows the game. Right? So yeah. This is
what I this brother is doing to me.
This brothers owing to me,
guys, but listen, if he's given you some joke today, or any Okay,
either joke or benefit or you've agreed with his position or
anything. Please do buy him a coffee. It's a very cool website,
simply called buy me a coffee.com/nasir Amin and you can
buy him a coffee. And you can buy me one too because I also have a
coffee buying have coffee buying potential. So you can buy me a
coffee too if you've benefited from any of the work that we've
done. And if you've enjoyed the stream, we're not doing too badly
for views. Mashallah. So if you haven't joined it, go to buy me a
coffee.com/masala mean for him. And I interviewed Robert for me,
and you can buy us a coffee. Mine was a latte. Brother, what's
yours?
Um,
um, yeah, Latte. Latte.
Yeah, whatever, whatever you want to.
To purchase for brother would be appreciated. Just make sure you
leave a note saying that. I appreciate your perspective, which
was the right perspective.
Yeah, if you carry on like that, you're going to cut down on the
coffee's there won't be as many coffees coming in, you know, make
people if you're policing the speech, right. Okay.
All right. So okay. Oh, okay. This is a brother. I think it could be
a sister. I'm not sure. But they have a perspective which I agree.
Yeah, who knows? We need data guys. Most Muslims period are not
convenient. I look No. So I don't think that it's most I'm not
saying that it's most what I am saying is that there is a
significant enough of a community of brothers and sisters that are
committed Zina. And for me as long as they believe in Allah and His
Messenger they fall into the category of a brother and a
sister.
That's it
for me
going with the
keep going with me.
Look, brother
this is rather leaning in doesn't make your point heard louder
voices denying me he's not trying to get me to the point. Write me a
book with a feather so I just give me a little extra thing to kind of
you know, to know you poke it Yeah.
You know how these brothers or sisters you already know. You
already know what it is. Okay, so I've put the links to the buy me a
coffee in the chat guys. And while I'm here I am trying my best to
bring up the slides but my computer is just chugging right
now and I think is we made beautiful
made beautiful slides as well for so nice.
I'm just trying to figure out how I can bring them up my apologies
guys.
Okay, right. Let's carry on with the conversation while I set up
the slides for the profiles guys. These profiles are brothers that
have come into brother naseous soft life matchmaking service.
Okay. Brother Nasir Gianna. Just tell them about the vetting
process and what kind of brothers profiles we are sharing, and also
kind of what
Yeah, what we're kind of looking for with this with this new
services Sharla Yeah, and if you want what I can do is I can just
start telling them about one of the profiles
right
I'll pull it up myself
we go
so one of the profiles
is a brother that is apologies.
Brother that is 34
based in the UK works as a data scientists data consultant,
sisters, six foot
I know for some of you that's a requirement
atheletic Bill British
Notting Hill London. Did I pronounce that right? Notting
Hill? Is that right? Next step.
Okay, you can appreciate it. Later languages.
speaks Arabic.
German, English, French and Somali
has a master's in management,
machine learning and data science, a BA in economics and Middle
Eastern studies.
In terms of
SEC, he's Sunni follows the Shafi method.
practicing, practicing.
Completed hard three times.
Hobbies Brazilian jujitsu
in terms of interests,
someone who prays regularly has a good relationship with their
parents. Where is he jet?
And he's looking for someone who is
slim or introvert in between the ages of 21 and 25.
And he's aiming to relocate to Abu Dhabi next year.
Yes, so and in terms of what he's looking for? Characteristics that
he's looking for. So sisters, and brothers. Let's take this
seriously. Right, because these are brothers. Have they paid for
the service for the Nasir? Yes. Okay. So these are brothers who've
paid for the service, who've been through a vetting process, and
have obviously shared what they're looking for. So these are, these
are brothers who are serious. So
for brothers and sisters out there who knows somebody who fits the
description so far, 21 to 25, it could be you, it could be your
younger sister, it could be your cousin, whoever. He's looking for
a sister who is humble, and with reasonable expectations of what a
marriage is. And the kind of relationship and marriage that he
wants is a supportive one. Pay attention to this supportive one.
And he says a man's home should be where he finds comfort after the
struggles of the working world. And I think this is something that
we have seen time and time again, especially with hard working men.
Right? Would you agree hard working men in general,
hardworking, driven ambitious men, even if they're not ambitious?
They're just hard working. They want to come home to peace. So
maybe you could be this brothers peace.
What else do you think we should let the people know?
Look, so for me,
one of the things that I tell brothers in this particular
brother
because I've known this brother for some time.
One of the things that I encourage brothers to do is is provider
development. Always spend your time when you're not married,
working on new skill sets to be a provider. And what I appreciate
about this brother is that's what he has done.
A number of degrees, number of languages.
Ability to work remotely from pretty much anywhere in the world.
Yeah, I would just say, sisters, this is a good applicant. This is
a good suitor. So I would highly suggest if you know someone that
is in this age range 21 to 25 and slim.
Encourage her if it's not you, I encourage her to
DM me, go to my go to my Instagram and DM me that you're interested
in this particular profile. Because this is this is I think, a
great suit.
What what comes up for you when you read this profile? You're,
you're a woman on a mountain? What comes up for you? Now let's come
down from the mountain. Okay?
Nothing comes up really?
Guys, I haven't seen him. So I cannot give you the T on that. I
don't know what he looks like. So I can't tell you whether,
whatever, anything, I haven't seen him.
But I think on paper, he's definitely a worthy candidate,
right? Just for the fact that guys, he takes the boxes that we
know, are some of the building blocks of marriage right in terms
of he is ready and able to take responsibility of a wife and a
family.
That's already huge.
So for me, if and I'm speaking from as a mother, right, and as an
elder, right, and if I was advising my daughter, or you know,
in this situation, if there are any suitors that come, we want to
make sure that the basics are covered Dean and character, okay,
at the moment we we know Dean, we don't know character so much,
because that takes a bit longer. But can you take responsibility
for a wife and family? One what it looks like? Yes, he can. He's in a
good position. So already he has passed gate one. Because the dean
is dead Hamdulillah, he's able to provide for a family. So he's
ready, Yanni. And he's been preparing himself. So that already
gives gives an insight to his character. Agreed. And the thing
is, character and personality are two different things. So the next
gate will be much more personal, in terms of character, is my
daughter a fit for him? My daughter is not an introvert. So
we're not ever going to go down this through this gate. But if I
have a daughter, who has a sister, or sorry, if I have a daughter, or
a sister, or a friend's daughter, who is an introvert and who is of
this age range, I'm sending her this profile and saying, Hey, this
brother is looking for a wife. He's 34. He'd like a young wife.
And I think your daughter could certainly she meets the criteria
as they are now. Now, will they like each other? Who knows? Right?
Will their personalities match? Who knows? Will he find her
attractive? Who knows? You'll only know once you have gone into the
gate. So you've passed gate one, and you've kind of gone in there.
So that's that's what I would say on it.
There's a comment here, which we must address. Must must address.
So one, one quick point. The question was, how old is he? He's
34. Another question is?
I'm sorry, would you say? No, I'll say he's 34. Yeah, 3434 and never
married.
And I think this also speaks to, I think a point that you bring up
often is
when we talk about sisters who are a bit more mature and divorcees in
their late 30s, early 40s, is that typically men their age are
married, right? And so because they've been on their purpose,
preparing themselves, and so this is exactly what you're going to
have, you're going to have a man who's in their early 30s that have
been putting in the work, and eventually will be married, right?
And show a lot. And so
to that question, what was the address this this was very
important, very important. And let's, uh, you know, sorry, before
we go in,
before we go in and to speak to this,
I'm so glad that you asked this question, since maybe you're new
to this platform, if you're new to the channel a lot what LM, but I'm
glad that you asked this question. And I'm glad you were brave enough
to do that. Because I know that there will be others who are
thinking the same thing. Right. And I think it's really important
for us as women as sisters, to get the answer to this question.
Right. So brother, NASA, do you have the male perspective on this?
And in this case, the show the male perspective will be the right
perspective. So it's for them, please spill the tea. Oh.
Okay.
So one,
guys don't always insist on a slim girl. That's why just to be clear,
some brothers love or some brothers prefer
women that have some
some sized to them
healthiness as we say, on the other side of the Atlantic.
So that's one thing to
share. We may not be healthy
right now
chubby may not be healthy. And so the question that I would ask is
why are you chubby?
Why are you chubby? Because as a man, if you are overweight, I'm
questioning, are you overweight? Because you don't know how to deal
with your emotions, your comfort eating? That's what I want to
know. Right? So that's a valid question for a man to ask, why are
you overweight? You may not want to hear that question. And we
probably won't ask you that we'll just think to ourselves, come to
the conclusion, or observe you observe your social media, and
then get the answer. But oftentimes, weight is a reflection
of how people are dealing with the discomfort in their lives. So the
question that I would ask is, for you, in this particular question,
why are you chubby?
Why is it? Why is it a problem that brothers prefer? Some
brothers prefer a woman that is slim?
That's attractive to some brothers, some brothers that
prefers to that may have some weight. But again, the question
becomes, why are you chubby?
And that's an honest question, you should ask yourself, because it's
not healthy.
No shame, but it's not healthy.
Right? And why would you not want to work on that? Again, you may
want to work on so it was just questions, why would you not want
to work on your weight, so that for yourself, you're in the best
space, physically, health wise.
And again, barring, you know, physical, thyroid issues, and all
of that, right. And that's not to say that you still can't work on
your health. And that's not an excuse for you not to try to work
on your health. But why not.
And lastly, last point,
if what you're saying is true, ie that guys always insist on SM
girl,
then you need to work on getting slim.
If that's what the market is looking for, and you want to be in
the market, and get chosen, get selected.
We're going to wait
I work on your emotions work on your thinking, so that you make
better choices when you're uncomfortable when you experience
anxiety. So I work on de escalating yourself from anxiety
to concern so that that way, you make healthier choices. But if you
are right, and the market is majority of brothers wants them
girls, and you're not slim.
You want to get selected by certain quality brothers in the
market. And they want slim girls
and a healthy way. Get slim.
Now just jump in here.
Are you okay, for?
Sure.
I want to address the issue that a lot of us are finding especially
nowadays, which is sort of related to sort of the whole body
positivity movement, right where I feel what's happening is that
women in general, are taking their weight as a chubby girl, just
think girl, as you know, as a fluffy, Goldie. What's the other
one? Like fluffy things? You know? Yeah, fluffy is one.
As as as their identity. I'm a big girl. That's my identity, right?
So when a man says he doesn't want a big girl, you get triggered,
right? Because for you, that's your identity. That's who you are.
And what I'd like to invite you to consider is that no, that's not
who you are. That's your physical state at the moment.
And that is a choice. And you can change that. For most of us. It's
a choice. And we can change that if we care enough, and we put in
the work. Right? Now, at the end of the day, no one can force
anyone to do anything. You make your choices, but you need to make
choices that align with the outcome that you are looking for.
And so for example, sisters, again, I'm going to speak to
sisters for sisters are the ones that get triggered in these
conversations. So sisters, again, I want us to lean into the
discomfort. Lean in, don't run away, don't click off. Don't shut
down, lean into the discomfort. Why are you feeling some type of
way? Say for example, a lot of brothers at the moment are being
very vocal about the fact that they do not like the fact that so
many girls nowadays do not want to cook or clean. Right? It's it's a
concern that has been, you know, articulated now many many, many
times. Okay. So now for us as women if indeed we all want to
to partner with a man if we want to be chosen by a man which we
should want to be if we want to be married, you need to take a cue
from that. The men are saying they want a woman who can cook and
clean. What is my issue with learning how to cook and how to
clean so that I can be chosen to perform the role that This man
wants me to perform in his in his in his life, right in this
marriage, we've got a lot of unlearning to do. We've got a lot
of unpacking to do. And since if you've had five kids and
Hamdulillah, may Allah bless you may Allah bless you and your kids,
Mashallah. I've had five kids, I know friends who've had five kids,
seven kids, eight kids,
losing weight is not for a man per se. That's something that is an
amount of our bodies and our minds. Staying healthy and in
shape is part of how we look after what Allah subhanaw taala has
given us, right. And I'm not making any assumptions about how
big how small how anything, but for some women in society right
now who are morbidly obese or obese, it's not something to be
comfortable with, because it's dangerous for you. And it will
impact your health moving forward. So your children will be impacted
by that in the future, your children will bear the brunt of
that in the future and your life will be curtailed by the fact that
you are unhealthily overweight. We're not talking about chubby
here, we're not talking about soft, we're talking about people
who are medically obese, okay, and you know, morbidly obese. And
again, I don't know anybody in this chat. So I don't know if this
even if this resonates with anyone. But let's stop getting
triggered by things that make us feel uncomfortable to the point
that we want to shut down. It's just information. It's just
information. And as brother said, some brothers do want slim women,
and some don't. And you those of you from different parts of the
world, you guys know, different men have got different tastes,
different men have got different preferences, right? So you go to
where you are accepted to go to where you are celebrated, right?
Not where you're tolerated. But if you're not, if what you're holding
on to, in terms of says who I am, is not appreciated anywhere, then
there needs to be some sort of self reflection, you know, and
and, again, I can hear from the comments, I can hear from the
comments that this is obviously something that upsets you. So
nobody's here to lecture you or anybody else, really. And you
don't have to do anything. But it may be something to look at if you
want a certain outcome. And that might just be to be healthy enough
to be active for your children. And I think that's, I think a
great, nice, yes, and nice. But I think this is problematic. That's
my job. Five kids hamdulillah Hamdulillah, May, May Allah bless
you and your kids. But the mindset is problematic. Ain't nobody got
time for a gym. You want me to lose weight? Yeah, I want you to
lose weight for your husband. Great, do it for you for yourself
to be optimal in terms of your health, and for the lively for you
to be present. And to be in the best space you can be for your
kids and for yourself. But I want you to do for your husband as
well.
This is this is a
this is an unhealthy mindset to question and to be flippant about
losing weight. Because you have five kids as if having five kids
gives you the
the luxury to just let yourself go.
Oh, work who? What is that? How does that help you?
And then your husband is supposed to just be content with that.
Okay.
Like, what is this, I gotta cook clean and wash clothes and you
want me to go to gym? No, I don't want you to go to the gym says.
But what I do want you to do is after you check that load of
laundry, I want you to drop down and do 10 knee push ups. Right? I
want to do some jumping jacks with your kids.
I want you to I want you to look up into minute fasting, and maybe
having a window in which you eat. I want you to try to see how you
can get your husband to help you to get your kids on a better
sleeping pattern so that you can get better sleep so that you don't
have cortisol running through your body and hormones. Right so that
you're not gaining weight based off of that as well. So that's
what I want you to do. I want you to take an active step to be
responsible for the weight that you've gained. Because you decide
which you can put in your mouth was on the end of your fault.
You decided that your husband is going to just have to accept the
fact
that you let go because you have five kids and in your mind you
don't have to deal with your weight
highlighted this comment because again guys we are in you know
we're in a time where you know there is a whole bunch of body
positivity and all of that kind of thing and you know, she was the
sister said you always see other girls hyping up obese women. But
I've rarely seen men do the same to overweight guys not only do men
not hype up overweight guys, but women don't hype up overweight
guys either, right? That is the truth of it. And another thing
what I've noticed is if you're familiar with like pop culture,
etc you know people like Lizzo when people like that they have
all these hype girls, right? Usually American women who are
like oh yes, Queen Yeah. Oh my god like she's She's a queen, you just
such a queen. Those women are in the gym every day. And they would
die to look like lizard like they would die if they looked like
lizard and they would die before they let themselves look like
lizard even though lizard masala is very pretty in the face. Right?
It's over sexualized, but she pretty in the face. But she is
morbidly obese. And for all of these pretenders around to be
hyping her up and say, Oh my God, look at her she's so this is so
that when you yourself, you will never allow yourself to get to
that stage, you're being a hypocrite. You're being a
hypocrite. And the thing that I've noticed as well is in the United
States. It's like this.
It's almost like this condescension to black women in
particular, right? Because African American women have the highest
rates of obesity in the US guys correct me if I'm wrong, please.
Yeah, because this is the least but this is the stats that I've
seen. Obesity is huge in the African American community. Right.
But you have white Americans, professionals, experts,
celebrities, on the sidelines, cheering on these big black women
right to say, Yeah, you know, basically, they're so amazing
celebrating them. Firstly, they would never allow themselves to
get to that stage. And they know full well, that weight is
unhealthy. It takes a toll on the body. It takes a toll on the body
and the mind. Right? So don't get don't get caught in the source
guys, like don't drink the Kool Aid. Right? Please, we need to be
cleverer than that the believer, the body is in a manner. Right.
And obviously, that the conversation we've had here was a
lot. But I think it was needed, right? I liked this point that the
brother or somebody's brother K 12 is saying, body positivity is
usually women destroying other women. Women love less
competition.
Maybe because they know that men are not looking for that. They
know men are not checking for that. But they want to shame men
into wanting that right? They want to shame men into saying what you
should accept. But you know, isn't this beautiful? Like knows? Like?
No, right? There are men who are into that. But they are a minority
and they have a fetish. And this is the thing that's that's their
thing. Okay, but you're not going to now say to average men,
ordinary men, this is what now you should consider beautiful. This is
now the new standard of healthy, what are you finding out? You
think we're done? Oh, I wanted to dress this point. Now since we're
cooking with gas here. Right? A female and male should both take
care of their body just to be fair, like a man who is chubby
expecting a woman who is slim? Should he be a leader and lead by
example.
Do you want to take this? Or do you want me to take it? I'll let
you go.
I just I hope my face is enough.
This is pushback. Where's it coming from? Where's it coming
from?
We we have roles to play right in our marriage. Now, of course the
ideal scenario, both men and women look after themselves. Okay, and
the man is in here on his game. And he's taking care of himself
and he's the leader blah, blah, but he's not doing it. Here he's
providing and he's doing the things that Allah subhanaw taala
has told him to do. That's his role. Let him play his role.
You've my dear, my lovely friend, the Wi Fi. Okay. Part of your role
is to keep yourself keep yourself looking good. Right? You can't
have that mindset that well, why should you expect me to be slim?
When he like, are you going to do your own thing? Are you going to
take charge of this? Are you going to be the best version of yourself
or you're going to make excuses and say, Oh, he's not doing it? Or
why should I do it? He's not doing it. The impact of him of him
losing attraction for you is anyway I want you to talk about
this because this attraction and love and arousal we talked about
this in another session you want to go into that
we can
I think I think it's problematic with this kind of if he's not
doing it, it's not fair mindset.
But one of the things that I want to highlight
This was when we're dealing with the profile. And one of the
reasons why I say that this is a good suitor and sisters should pay
attention to this is if you look in that he included in his
profile, the hobby is Brazilian jujitsu.
So that lets you know, right? They're that nine times out of 10.
He's engaged on a weekly basis, and some type of physical
activity. So he's probably probably healthy. Probably. Now,
that's just a general response. I personally know the brother. So I
know he's in good shape, physical shape, physically.
But I just I think that that's something that I want to
highlight, because this is that's something you should look for,
again,
how's he using his time? And if weight is something that's
important? What is he that he's what is it that he's engaging in
to keep his weight in check? Right? So that's something you
should look for and profiles.
Can I just say, It's all very well looking for that. But you want to
be bringing that to, like, if he looks at your profile? If he sees
kind of what you do, then that should be reflected. There's no
point you're not doing anything. But you're looking to see Oh, but
but but is it though? Like, that's not fair. Again, we're going to
fairness. But that doesn't make sense. Right. I think I think, for
me, the reason why I wanted to highlight that is one, I think
that's a good thing you want, I think you should look for brother
that is engaged in some type of physical activity that he does, he
is mindful of his health. I think that's an important point. But it
was just interesting to me that that point was brought up when it
was clearly identified in the post that you put up in terms of the
profile and what I read that he was into Brazilian jujitsu. I
think the conversation had kind of gone on to men in general. I want
sisters to make that connection. So what was the other question
that we had?
I want to just to just to pinpoint this
this is this is obviously pushed back for the sake of pushing back,
right? You mentioned that after having kids, some things you can't
lose, right? Granted, hips, *, etc. No one's asking you
to lose those. Just get in shape. That's it, tighten up, lose weight
and tighten up. That's it if you want to, if you don't call us,
like, I'm Dana camellia Dean. But like sisters, we have to stop
using. Just stop making excuses, man, stop making excuses. It's not
good, you're not benefiting anyone. And the thing is, from my
time of coaching women, right, from my time of coaching women, I
know that one of the biggest barriers for every one of us,
reaching our next level, is making excuses why we can't reach that
next level. That's the one of the biggest barriers because it's all
mental, in your mind. Or you can come up with excuses for why it
can't be and why it can't happen and why you can't do this, or why
you shouldn't have to do this. Then it's dead in the water. It's
dead on arrival. And guys, I'm speaking to everyone, he has no
longer about any particular anyone. It's for everyone. Stop
holding yourself back with your own excuses. And then blaming
someone when you don't get the outcome that you want.
It's not GAME OVER guys. Yeah. And it's not game over if you are
proactive, right? Yes, childbirth has an impact on your body. We
know this. But there's levels to this. There's levels to this,
right? There are natural impact. There's a natural impact on the
woman's body with age and with childbearing. But there's levels
and it can go way past the natural, the natural changes to
becoming something completely different if we let it go. And if
we don't rein it in. And this is a fact, you don't have to make
excuses for why we've gained 100 kilos. And then, like feel calm
and comforting ourselves with a story that when I've had three
kids, that's just a story. You're telling yourself, I'm sorry to be
the bearer of bad news. And I hope nobody thinks that I'm being rude.
But you're not helping yourself. At the end of the day. You are
harming yourself by telling yourself a story that is not
productive, and telling yourself a story. And what are you modeling
to your kids?
So you have five kids, it's assume some of them are girls. What are
you modeling to your girls?
Because they're gonna see that you've just given up on your body?
Is that what you want to model? Or are you going to exemplify to them
that we don't have to have a gym membership but we can create some
type of routine or II watch you to videos, exercise videos, yoga,
videos online and we can spend 30 minutes a day just us working on
at home.
So that's one point. And the other point is is
just like I've never seen or heard a man say that he was attracted
and aroused by a woman saying she has a PhD.
I've never seen or heard a man saying he doesn't like hips have
*.
And this is across the world. This study says, No one is asking you
to lose hips and *.
Body body positivity of body neutrality helps people to stop
hating themselves according to society's unrealistic standards.
Yeah, I don't agree with that.
Yeah.
Well,
so I'm of the camp, I'm of the camp that you learn a modality and
one in which you don't have this concept of conditional self worth,
we're in that your weight is a condition that then allows you to
measure if you're worthy or not. So I don't need body positivity
monitors to to. To help me with that, what I need to do is
understand that there's no condition based on my worth, I
unconditionally accept myself as a fallible human beings. And one of
my fallibilities is going to be that at times, I choose to consume
things, when I don't like how I feel. And as a fallible human
being, I may do that at times, but I have the power of choice to work
on that.
But that doesn't, that doesn't allow me or give me the right to
label or rate myself as anything less than a viable
human being.
So I don't need the body positivity stuff. And then someone
can't shame me unless I choose to accept the narratives that they
want to create about me.
So other people trying to have this belief about me and want to
shame me, it requires my acceptance.
And I think, you know,
you guys have watched this live enough watch videos enough that I
can't two cents about what people think.
And that's because that's because I understand that I'm in control
of my narrative.
And my narrative takes precedent.
I want to just, oh, I didn't even know that was coming. I had
another one coming up. All right. So this is this is why can't we
just embrace the change as it comes? And then the other comment
was about body positivity and body neutrality. Yeah, you're great
that your husband is going to embrace that change after you're
consistent in that jump?
That kind of change. I don't think that's what she's talking about.
But no, no, no, no, I want to pull up this point about the body
positivity, neutrality and the hate and the societal standards.
Guys, again, there's levels to this, right. We know,
intrinsically, when we are bigger than we like to be. We know this
intrinsically. It's not society standards. Guys, stop it. Stop it.
I hate that. I hate it when people want to blame society for
everything and society standards and society, this society that,
you know,
you know, when you've got, you're carrying too much weight. That's a
fact. You know, when you're carrying too much weight because
you feel it, you can't make your way up the stairs without huffing
and puffing and getting a pain in your side. Your thighs are rubbing
together and chafing. Right? You're sweating all the time
because you can't understand like, Come on, guys. Stop it. That has
nothing to do with society standards. That's just facts.
And the fact is that mashallah Tabata Allah, Allah subhanaw taala
has made our bodies so malleable, so incredibly malleable. Look at
how, how massive that belly is when it's carrying the child
Subhan Allah as a whole human being is up in there and then that
whole little, not even little, that human being goes through the
birth canal
out of you with that big head right out into the world. Subhan
Allah Subhanallah will be handy. And guess what happens? birth
canal goes back to how it was the womb shrinks? This the stomach.
Imagine if you actually empty that like the baby's born.
and all that skin that you had from the the the fur when you were
pregnant just stayed there. Right? Think of how much excess skin
would be there. But that's not what happens in majority of cases,
majority of cases, it actually goes back, the womb shrinks back,
the birth canal goes back in certainly does not stay the size
of you know how it extended to allow the head of a baby out of
there. So
I'm not talking in the car, but he's getting there.
Stop blaming society, and stop blaming other people. And let us
take responsibility for ourselves, all of us. And this is something
that I will say to my brothers and my sisters, we're so quick to
point fingers at society and say it's society's fault. It's this
one's fault. It's that one spot for everything right. And brothers
men doing are doing it as well. There's all women of society that
are the women are doing the same thing. The men this the men that
our society systemic, this systemic that I'm sorry, guys,
every one of us has been given opportunities, boundless powers,
Allah and we're all accountable. We're all accountable. So please,
if you're using society, and unrealistic expectations and
standards as an excuse for being morbidly obese, you need to stop.
And you shouldn't encourage anyone else in your circle to do that,
because you're only harming yourself.
It's not about unrealistic standards from society, you know,
when you're carrying too much weight, and it shows it shows in
your lifestyle, it shows in your energy levels, it shows when you
go and get a checkup. And you can see in the mirror, right, so at
least let's be honest about that. At least let's be honest about
that. And if you then say, You know what? I see it, but I don't
care. That's fine. That's fine. All I see it. Well, my husband
doesn't care. Fine. But let's not fool ourselves and say no, I'm
actually fine. It's just society that makes little you know,
that's, that's got a false narrative. No, you have the false
narrative. Anyway, don't try to make men want something they don't
want.
Right? If you if you as the first questioner said, you if you're
realizing that the majority of men want slim women, don't try to make
them that once then women, and shame them for wanting slim women,
it's ridiculous.
Just accept the fact that you right now are not where they are
at in terms of the women that they're looking for. And you have
the choice, you can choose to stay the same, which is your
prerogative.
Or you can choose to put in the work
to choice.
With that, we managed to go into our delusion segment without even
doing any kind of segue. But I think that we should end it there
because I think that we have definitely kept kept you guys on
your toes, hopefully and entertained enough for one day. So
Brother Nasir, can you just remind us of how we can get in touch with
you and also how to apply for Softlight?
Yeah, so follow me on IG, an associate LME and you can DM me if
you are a brother or sister looking for marriage. Understand
that there is a vetting process I will be asking questions.
If you have a feminist inclination, it's probably best
that you don't waste your time or your money. And so that's how you
can you can find out more send me a DM on on IG.
Guys,
and apologies and if you found this profile that we highlighted
today, one that interests you or someone that you know again, DM me
and let's continue to conversation.
Alright guys, you heard it here. First, please give the video a
like, give it a thumbs up and subscribe to the channel share
this live with others who may benefit Insha Allah, we do go live
every Thursday in sha Allah. And we have some exciting news that we
will not announce yet but inshallah there is exciting stuff
coming up. So look out for that in sha Allah, more profiles that
evening Allah and also if you are a sister who is looking, I think
we're the only profiling brothers aren't we? We're gonna focus on
profiling brothers. We can do we can we can definitely do both. We
can definitely do both, for sure I'm up for it. I think it'd be
good. I think it'd be good because as you see when we just did this
profile, there was a lot of great discussion that came out of it.
Yeah, right.
There's gonna be even better because next week one is the
calligraphy mashallah so that one's going to be even better I
think because it was a lot of a lot of meat to that one.
Mashallah.
Yeah, so I think I think we should do both because I think in doing
both, it's going to produce like, look, the last 15 minutes was just
a comment about the brother wanting someone who's slim. And
then the cons that come out of that. So we're the competition
that came out of that. So I think we should do both brothers and
sisters
and sisters, like,
reach out. I know that this has a quality brother. I've given you
the paper on paper what he looks like.
This is a good suitor.
Yeah, all right, guys. Don't you snooze, you lose? Okay, so don't
be afraid to shoot your shots inshallah. Don't be afraid to
Yeah, to compete guys, for people who are worth competing for insha
Allah. And with that, we'll draw this to a close as I can and fader
and for rocking with us. It's been a wonderful evening and like I
said, we go live every Thursday insha Allah and I also have my
Wednesday live stream, which is every Wednesday mashallah and next
week, we are talking about mothers raising men.
It's going to be super super good. And you will see more information
about that on Monday I'll be releasing the post that we're
going to be discussing and you're all welcome to join on the live
stream to share your thoughts on the relationship between mothers
and sons and manhood as well as
mama's boys, son, husbands single mothers raising boys and the role
of men in the home inshallah so I think it's gonna be good
inshallah. But for now, we will bid you all a good night, just
like a little Kayden said he just says, I think this was the longest
Convo in this channel. Yeah, we beat out yesterday. Yesterday was
three hours and today's three hours 16 So alhamdulillah thanks
so much for rocking with us guys. And please Inshallah, I'll see you
next week. Have a fantastic weekend. Just come allow Faden as
Salaam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh