Naima B. Robert – Build a Sanctuary for Yourself Within Motherhood Khadijah alKaddour
AI: Summary ©
The speakers stress the importance of living a wholehearted life, finding one's triggers and values, affirming oneself, and cultivating one's potential. They emphasize the need to identify triggers and values, be present in one's life, and let go of negative emotions to create positive experiences. The speakers also emphasize the importance of cultivating self care and holding onto hope to create beautiful self-reflection and positive experiences. The speakers emphasize the importance of healthy boundaries, Rest connection, and taking responsibility for one's life. They offer a free booklet and a free gift for attendees, highlighting the importance of maintaining boundaries and not feeling guilty for the rest of the cycle. The speakers also mention a free booklet for future self journaling and affirmations for future success, and encourage attendees to use Facebook groups to share their takeaways.
AI: Summary ©
Okay. Ms. Malahman Rahim, welcome to the Muslimah
Self Care Conference
hosted by Naima. I'm looking forward to this
as your, I will be be presenting
the self care and strength building a sanctuary
for yourself within motherhood.
So I welcome, welcome all of you inshallah.
Let's start Bismillah Rahman Rahim. May Allah,
make this a means of,
some insights inshallah for us.
Okay. The Muslim, my mother living to your
true self with self worth. So focusing
on this conference about self care, self worth,
and self love. So these are the main
areas that we hope to inshallah
to build.
So I want to give salaams and welcome
to my 5 boys.
I have, do I have, it's about a
year old now, but, I have, this is
the ones that have taught me most, most
of my life experience as a parent, alhamdulillah.
Also a stepmother
and, in my second marriage. So,
that's just a little bit behind me. I
love fitness and I love,
I pretty much made a decision when I
was 14 years old, had a life experience
that when I was 14 years old, I
made a decision to,
really want different. I wanted to be part
of the,
the change at 14 years old about how
children were raised up without abuse, raised up
in a place where they would feel really,
harmonious and thriving and feel safe.
So that's a bit of another story. Maybe
I have to write a book, Inshallah.
Okay. Let's start. So before I start this
workshop, I really want everyone to just check-in
with themselves emotionally. It's a quick emotional body
scan and I really encourage it because emotional
intelligence
is something that we kind of a lot
of us weren't taught. We weren't brought up
to kind of connect with our feelings. How
am I feeling right now? Kind of be
mindful of how I'm feeling. And so it's
really good to just stop, take a
how are the 5 emotions I have been
feeling in the past week. And I'd love
for you to share in the chat
What was some of the emotions that you're
feeling? And I've given you a little bit
of a grid there of just some ideas
of emotions.
And that is part of self care is
knowing
where my body is. What is my body
whispering to me? What am I feeling? What
are my thoughts that I'm feeling? So please,
in the chat, have a think about 5
emotions that you felt in the last week
and share it inshallah.
And I'll have a check-in soon.
Oops. I'll go back.
Anyone wanna share some of the emotions that
they felt? Let's have a look. There's no
one right here.
Okay. I can't see the chat.
Okay. It's not letting me see the chat.
The
ladies are saying that they felt,
excitement,
fear, anxiety.
We've got vulnerability,
gratitude,
guilt.
We've got anger,
anxiety.
We've got joy,
anxiety,
sadness,
excitement, appreciation.
We've got, worry,
overwhelm,
frustration, and also gratitude. We've got anger.
We've got grief. We've got frustration. So a
real range, Khadija.
Yeah. MashaAllah. Beautiful. And it's just to check-in
with yourself and it's a really great way
that each week that you keep checking in
with yourself, how am I feeling emotionally?
Can be indicative of what thoughts you're having,
during the during the day and during the
week. So let's have a look at what
we're talking about here. So I want to
walk you through some tips to build a
positive and a private sanctuary inside with self
love, to live a thriving life instead of
just surviving on autopilot,
to connect back to yourself,
loving yourself through doing what pleases Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala. Your self care as the mother
is not a gift to have when you
have time.
And I hear this over and over and
over. My obstacle is time
and it's what is needed for our own
healing, our own growth and our own legacy.
How do you wanna show up? She is
inside you and how you wanna show up
as a mother is how you see yourself.
So what I hear
all the time from women is the never
enough narrative, you know, overwhelmed,
exhausted,
anxiety,
isolated,
disappointed,
conditioned to believe that they are there to
just give and give and give, and they're
not doing enough. We've got a very clear
belief around that area and I want to
go back to
coming back to ourselves and really thinking about
how do I really wanna show up from
here onwards? What do I need? What what
is what is I need? What do I
need to really show up from a place
of worthiness?
From a place where I value self care
and I value self love.
So how much do I believe that I
matter? My self worth. So really to create
that space inside you is that the mother
you most want to be can rise naturally
with courage.
To practice courage, compassion and connection is to
look at life and the people around us
and say, I'm in for this. To raise
courageous, compassionate and connected children, we must first
learn to teach them to tell their stories,
speak their truth, and feel their emotions.
But first, it starts with me.
For me to teach my children that I
actually have to have that within me. I
have to be aware of how I am,
how I am emotionally. I have to be
mindful of what,
is happening with me. What are the stories
and labels I'm holding onto? What are the
truths that I'm holding onto that may be
a misconceptions?
And this is a beautiful journey of self
awareness.
It's a journey of coming from self awareness,
becoming more consciously aware of the patterns that
I'm living with. How am I perceiving myself?
And this is a huge part of self
care and self love
because I feel
really
stand the value of ourselves.
We will always be pulled in every direction
by everybody else's opinion, by everybody else's need.
And so it's like taking yourself back and
connecting back to yourself and connect back to
Allah.
So I have a question, sister Khadija. Yeah.
Go for it. How do you how do
you,
how do you advise us to do this
practically? Is this like a journaling activity?
Should we do it after this class, for
example? You know, is it something people do
in during Dua?
You know, how what's what do you think
is the best place or best way for
us to make sure that we actually do
carve out time
to do what you're telling us to do?
I think it's I'm gonna go through a
few steps, but I think the key is,
is the first thing is permission to allow
yourself. And that comes back. That's the first
thing. Everything is driven by the beliefs that
we hold about ourselves.
So examining what are the beliefs I'm holding
about my son. As we go through,
through,
I'm gonna ask the ladies
to kind of answer the questions about where
is it where I may be not giving
myself permission? Where is it that I'm not
prioritizing
myself? What is the belief? Because all behaviors
driven by a belief. You know, all behaviors
like the outcome, you know, outcome is the
behavior behind. We are not our behavior.
But what is behind behavior is the, is
the beliefs, the values, the culture conditionings, all
these things. And if we're not consciously aware
of them, then we're gonna show up from
a place where we sometimes don't understand why
we're doing the things that we're doing. We
will self sabotage.
We will say, you know, I'm gonna make
sure I'm gonna, you know, spend some time
and,
carve some time out for myself. But if
we don't first go on earth and go
underneath what the belief is, that's holding us
back from showing up for ourselves. We're always
going to be in a perpetual cycle of
putting everybody else before ourselves.
So inshallah, as I walk, as I step
through, as I go through this, I'm gonna
give prompts. So by the end of inshallah,
we have clearer picture
and and,
of about how do we carve that inshallah.
So So I wanna start looking at,
living a wholehearted life. So wholehearted life is
like I'm these are some of the answers
I asked some ladies in my group. What
is a wholehearted life? And I want you
to think about that. Write in the chat,
what does it mean to live a wholehearted
life?
And, you know,
Mariam, she said it is to be in
peace within, content.
Wafaa said, I think about the ayah that
says to enter in Islam wholeheartedly. That is
don't question Allah.
Niha said wholeheartedly
means being my full self where I am
vulnerable and accepting.
Amanda's to show up as my sincere true
self.
Aisha said to do everything for Allah for
Allah pleasing him. When you think about your
life and really showing up in a wholehearted
life with your full heart, what does that
mean to you? And I'd love for you
to
if you agree with any of the definitions
that some of the sisters had mentioned or
what was it that came up for you
when you hear that?
You're welcome to share, Che in the chat.
We've got Sharifa at saying it's to be
present in your life.
And Habiba says it's to live and not
just exist.
Beautiful. Okay, Sean.
Okay.
So reclaiming your soul wholeheartedly. So I this
is what my definition of of living a
wholehearted life. It's your healing and happiness. It's
not everyone's responsibility.
It's very much an inside job. All self
internal conflicts fall away when one learns self
acceptance and self nurturing the purpose of this
soul. When we heal our inner self, we
become consciously aware and we heal our families,
our next generation. We're able to contribute from
a place of
authenticity.
Authenticity
is when I show up.
I have flaws. I have weaknesses. I have
imperfections,
but I'm showing up. I want to show
up. I wanna feel the fear and show
up. We become self aware, going deep in
self discovery unless affected by the chatter of
the outside world. We let go of the
labels.
It's our journey to remind ourselves we matter.
We value who we are, and our ability
and strength all as one of us bestow
on us. We've become aware of our values
that are now low.
We have more patience and more sugar, great
gratitude for this life and not allow it
to break us. So what I'm asking
is when I really want you to think
about your own life, where you need to
reclaim your soul back. When you take back
that power, when you say, you know what?
I wanna show up differently in my life.
I wanna show up for me differently. In
this life, a very temporary life, I'm gonna
show up wholeheartedly. I don't wanna just be
in survival. I don't wanna be just in
exhausted mode. I just don't wanna be in
autopilot.
I don't wanna be the labels that other
people prescribed to me.
This journey is coming back. You cannot create
love yourself until
you really, really know yourself and you really
start to undo the layers. And it's messy
work sometimes, and it's it's it's a incredible
journey, and you fall at times and sometimes
like, wow.
There is some things that I need to,
to acknowledge here. So we're gonna go through
that.
Acknowledge some of the things that I might
need to be a barrier to my self
care and self
love. So if one of the biggest things
to build a sanctuary within is to really
become aware of your triggers, really become aware
and identifying the painful patterns that you keep
holding, whether it's procrastination, self sabotage,
holding yourself back, playing small. To build a
sanctuary event has to become conscious awareness of
your triggers, your wounds, and your painful patterns,
discovering what lays underneath.
We can only give others what we have
practiced giving ourselves.
We can only give others what we have
practiced giving ourselves. So, basically, we downloaded this
blueprint from our parents. You know, there's all
these things like a computer. We downloaded the
software,
and, you know, there was a lot of
things and messages that were put into us,
particularly in that 1st 7 years of life,
into our subconscious mind. And to change those
struggles, to change the issues that we experience
daily in our lives, we have to become
consciously aware of how we're operating.
What's our pattern of behavior? How do we
react? What are what are my triggers? You
know? What are your values?
You know, what are your values around parenting?
What makes you angry? What makes you upset?
How I step through my fears and knock
down the obstacles that are holding me back?
Playing small or procrastinating instead of living a
life I really want for myself and my
children?
So a lot of childhood trauma,
behaviors that we were messages that we were
given in our childhood, we received. And sometimes
it's so deep deeply rooted in who we
are that we sometimes don't fully understand why
we do the things we do, what drives
our behavior,
and feel until we unearth and turn inwards.
And redesigning your life internally, it takes the
effort. It takes time. It takes conscious awareness
to know yourself, your attachments, your values, your
goals, coming back to the.
Knowing yourself allows you to know and connect
all of a smile to it deeply. You
must determine who you are as a servant
of Allah and what you really need in
your life to fight and have inner peace.
What if you're not allowed or neglected to
yourself? So I really want you to have
ponder on this question,
and I'd love for you to share in
the chat. What is something that you have
not allowed for yourself or maybe something you've
neglected for yourself? Because I really wanna cut
down to some of the barriers that stop
us from really loving ourselves, from really coming
from a place of our really acknowledging our
worthiness,
really allowing, carving that time for our self
care is to first question, where have I
not allowed something or neglected for myself? So
if you I would love you to check-in
the chat.
The sisters are gathering their thoughts. I've got
a question here,
that you may want to address later,
about
whether there are any duas or ayats that
can be recited to help us achieve healing,
and and sort of self worth. Is there
anything there? So maybe that could be a
question for later.
But Sharifa says a barrier that I'm starting
to notice
is that self pressure to be perfect
at everything.
This is a big one.
This is something I'm definitely gonna look at
and talk about this perfectionist
image that other people want us to have.
You know?
It's a big one.
As to what you're saying, Naima, something that
comes to my mum my mind,
which I think is one of the most
precious stars of
self care and one that I used,
in real time as a test, particularly in
times like when I was giving birth and
when I really wanted to access really access
Allah's help and support. Because Allah is the
most merciful. He is our true support. You
know? He's really there for us. And that
was the joy of Eunice.
And, you know, Eunice, if he hadn't made
that joy in a way or he would
not come out because of the sincerity and
beauty of
There's a whole commentary by Ibn Khayyim. He
mentions how,
that if you mention his dua, Allah
will make sure that he will relieve you
of the difficulty that you're in. And it's
a really beautiful dua because it mentions
that it's beseeching Allah as a,
that I'm I have done wrong and that
I'm seeking your your mercy, Allah. And how
humble and beautiful the prophets that when they
went in time to, they never hesitated
to acknowledging and humbling themselves
and really acknowledging that they really needed Allah,
that all of us
really
all of us really has our back. You
know, all of us really there for us.
And for me, the Dua of Venus is
one that I've always held on to, especially
in times of death. I think it's such
a I call I think of it as
a self care dua because it it's it's
it's no. It's always reminding you that Allah
has your back.
God will never judge you. He will not
seek you know, he won't leave you alone.
He's always there for you. And as we
recognize ourselves more and we recognize who Allah
is, we go from a completely different perception.
Like, many of us will hold a perception.
Like, I know for a long time in
my life, I held this perception that
that, I had this very scarcity mindset.
My mindset was it was very scarcity in
regard
to many aspects of my life. When I
really understood and got the insight that Allah
swanwala is abundant,
and he has this full kazana of treasures
that he's ready to give out. You know?
He's very, very ready to give his abundance.
It was like, wow. If I just carry
a little bit of this mindset of Allah's
abundance
and access that know that Allah's abundant, he's
ready to give. The power of my duas
and the power of me speaking Allah's help
went to another level. And I think that
is such a beautiful thing when you think
about
the perception that Allah holds of us. You
know, he hold he he loves us. He
wants best for us. He doesn't want us
to. He doesn't want
And one of the most beautiful insights Allah
gives to us is the awareness of how
great he is and how how much he
is there to help us inshallah.
Naima, did anyone share in the chat? Yeah.
Yeah. They did masha Allah. But,
the sister who said you know, talks about
the perfectionism,
she said that it's not allowing her to
ask for help or to take help or
even identify when she needs help.
And, also, sister Raffia said, I've neglected making
time daily for exercise.
Yeah. And, a really lovely, message here from
sis Manila who says, I love this. Dropping
gems.
But, also, we've got some more here.
Some some more, you know, people being, introspective,
I guess. We've got sister Soul saying I've
neglected
time for myself to learn about myself.
And I've also got Amina who says she's
been
overly critical when someone offers help.
So when even her husband tries to help
out and do his bit, she can't help
sometimes but do the task again.
Oh, dear.
That's a painful pattern. Oh, dear. Indeed.
That's that's yep. I'm gonna go into that
even more.
Okay. Thank you, ladies. I really honor you
for sharing that and being open to that.
This question, what's the greater risk? Letting go
of what people think or letting go of
how I feel, what I believe and who
I am. I want you to really
really become a bit more self aware and
think about, is this something I'm believing my
about myself that isn't a 100% true? Is
this some misconception I'm holding onto? Is this
some perception I'm holding about myself or my
child, someone around me? You know, a whole
is there a label that I need to
let go of? I always think of laying
because she always says, is there a label
that you need your divorce?
You know, is there something that you've got
to let go of? So having you think
about that as we go through this journey
of remembering why do I have to create
a sanctuary within, why do I have to
have self love, why do I have to
create self care for my life.
Okay. Cultivating self love is self worth.
So a deep sense of love and belonging
is
irresistible need of all people. We are biologically,
cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to
be loved, and to belong. When those needs
are not met, we don't function as the
word met. We break. We fall apart. We
numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get
sick. Renee Brown.
Remember there are 2 people in every healthy
relationship.
Leaving yourself,
your needs, your safety, your happiness out of
the equation is saying, like, 1 +0 equals
2. It doesn't add up.
So really thinking about yourself
on a scale of 1 to 10.
Where is it that you're putting
your
biologically, your cognitively,
your spiritually,
your physical,
your mental needs. Where are you putting them
first? 10 being fully thriving. You're in a
place where you are honoring
the, needs that you have. You are able
to articulate your needs and able to ask
your needs. You're able to access them. And
one is, like,
to ask for help, to offended to ask
for help, to reject your help,
really, really not looking after your health, not
looking after yourself. So have a think about
that. Where are you right now in your
life from 1 to 10? And one thing,
you know, I always think about, sisters, is
that if you don't have time for your
wellness,
you're always gonna have time for your burnout
and your sickness. And I've seen that so
many times.
I've seen that so many times in my
life where women burnt themselves out because they
were too busy serving and giving and giving
and then ended up sick. They're
so burnt out or in chronic illness
because they just thought that by showing up
and keep
burning themselves out, that somehow
other people are going to appreciate me more
or validate me more or think I'm such
a great person. I met this expectation that
was in my head
about me and how I need to be.
And I really wanna just look at the
some of the labels that we hold about
ourselves and really think,
do I really want to be like this
when I'm a much older woman in my
fifties or sixties or seventies or eighties? Do
I really want to look back in my
life and think, I forfeited everything that I
wanted for myself, cultivating
what I needed,
when I needed it because I needed to
meet a certain expectation from somebody else. So
thinking about that and share with me where
you are on that
scale.
We've got eights. We've got fours. We've got
threes. We've got sixes.
Like,
just about wherever you are on that number,
think about what does that mean?
Sister says sister gave herself a 7 and
she says I have been burnt out, but
I'm now learning to stand up again and
go back to my
Yay.
Okay. I wanna talk a little bit because
I have a background in in child development
and child psychology, I wanna talk about a
little bit about
triggers and trauma because I have this theory
that if your lack of self love could
be a trauma response, and this is something
that I feel is
is something that I don't know. I've just
had this working with so many women lately,
I just feel that sometimes this could be.
And I want you to think, is that
possible? Do you agree with me on this?
Okay. So have you heard of the flight,
flight, freeze, thawing response? So most of you
would have heard about flight and flight. So
when, you know, a trigger happens, when you
feel frightened, when you feel upset, we naturally
you know, amygdala flows now.
And, amygdala, sorry, in our brain, basically,
buys up at the exchange of change of
fear. And so, you know, we then go
into the upper part of our brain, which
is the cognitive area that's, like, you know,
makes all the decisions and everything. That shuts
down, and we go into a reaction. Right?
So you get triggered. You might see it
straight on your body. It might happen very,
very fast. You know? All of a sudden,
if you saw a dog, for example, if
you were a child and a dog that
attacked you or saw something bad, that could
be straightaway dog, fear. So it's like association.
Right? So some of us go into fight
mode when we're triggered, when we feel some
fear.
So fight mode mode could be controlling, could
be fighting back, could be arguing.
It can be even bullying. That can be
a, like, a fight response.
A flight response is actually away,
you know, hide,
panic, get anxiety. You know? So that's the
normal we we hear that a lot about
the fight and flight response.
And with the freeze response, it's kind of
like you get stuck. Difficult to make decisions
because you're just being overwhelmed by that fear
that emotions kind of overtaken.
When
you're free when you're in a freeze area,
you're just like you can't you numb yourself.
You can't really think or realize what's going
on. And thorn. So according to, Peter,
Walker who coined the term thorn, he's a
psychologist,
as it relates to trauma. People with a
strong response is so accommodating of others' needs
that they find themselves in a codependent relationship.
Born type 6 safety by emerging with their
wishes, needs, and demands of others. They act
as if they unconscious unconsciously believe that their
price of remission to any relationship is the
fulfiller of all needs, rights, preference, and boundaries.
Below will list some classic signs of things.
So basically,
a form type birth or if you have
a form response which comes from childhood wounds,
you struggle to take up space, express your
needs, show up, speak your truth. So some
of these aspects of thorn is people pleasing,
It can just say how you really think
or feel. So if someone comes to your
house and you wanna you know? Or you
go to someone's house and they offer you
a glass of water and you're really thirsty,
you're like, no. It's okay. It's fine. No.
I I don't need that. So it's about
not asserting your needs, caring for others to
your own detriment. We're overgiving,
not able to say no or by saying
yes when intuitively your alignment is like, I
really need to say no.
Flattering others, so that can especially happen if
there's a conflict situation where you don't wanna
deal with the conflict, so you flatter them
or you make make them feel good so
you don't have to deal with the repercussions
of their pain response.
Struggling with low self esteem, feeling taken advantage
of resentment, you know, being very concerned about
fitting in. There's very big difference between fitting
in and belonging
and, things like not having boundaries, feeling overwhelmed
all the time,
supporting others emotionally. So there's a few things,
lack of identity. A A lot of this
comes from childhood.
So I want you to think about if
you ask aspects of these qualities
in some ways where you may be having
a foreign response to fear
and ask yourself
what is missing for you? What is the
messages you've got about taking up space? What
was the messages you've got about speaking your
truth? What was the messages about you got
about expressing your needs? Because as you identify
those things in your childhood or in your
early adult life,
you realize how you what is driving your
behavior. You know, a trigger is basically,
is like an unhealed memory. It's like the
things that we respond to. It's like sometimes
our child would do something. Right? They'll be
doing something, and we get upset. Or we
feel triggered. It's not necessarily our child's behavior
that have actually caused us to get upset.
It's actually our reaction is coming from our
past. It's coming from some unhealed memory. It's
coming from some unhealed,
something that has hurt us from the past
or it's a perception that we've taken. We've
interpreted something from our child's behavior. It's reminded
us of something of the past. Does that
make
sense?
Sis, you know what? That makes, like, almost
too much sense. Guys, give me a yes
in the chat if that almost makes too
much sense.
I've actually never heard,
of the fawn type, and the the chat
is lighting up with yeses, by the way.
Yes.
My theory after working with women for a
few years, I was like,
the. I'm like, honestly, stop. Love is coming
from this * response. It's a trauma response
to to it's a culture condition response. Right?
That we're supposed to act in a certain
way or be labeled a certain way or
do certain things and actually forfeit our needs.
So we actually learned for me, I I
feel that we learned
to suppress some of our needs or speak
our truth or or shine our light already
at such a at such a young age,
that that's already carried them subconscious throughout our
life until we consciously become aware of it.
Wow. Yeah. I know that everybody is is
it's it's really,
really
resonating.
And some sisters have asked if the slides
will be available. I think people wanna know
that, like, take more detailed notes and really
let this sink in, subhanAllah.
Sure. I'm sure you'll tell them more about
that later, but this is I think we
need to just pause here and take a
breath. Yeah. Definitely.
And just let this slide sit.
Let this slide know. I almost didn't add
this in.
I almost didn't add this slide add this
part in. Because I was
thinking, I know this,
but part of me was like, this is
a real truth bomb.
How how are people gonna respond to this?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Because I my biggest thing as as
a child was there was a message in
my childhood about
don't have a big mouth or don't speak
too much.
Don't shine your light too much. Be humble.
Be,
be,
what's the word?
Play small, basically. And when I understood as
an adult that wait a minute.
Wait a minute. The Sahaba women, our legacy
that was left behind us, they were very
empowered women. They were still able to speak
their truth, but they were humble. They were
still able to shine their light, but they
did it in such a way that they
still contributed. Like, why are their names being
mentioned to this day? The legacy of the
women that we have were very empowered women,
whether they wherever the whatever aspect that they
were in. So it's almost like we've learned
these messages that we struggle with taking up
space. We struggle with speaking out our truth.
We we struggle with expressing our needs.
Okay.
So one of the most important things that
I really think is the most important and
this is like Naima, you're mentioning, like, how
do we cultivate? This is one of them.
Cultivating authenticity and letting go of what people
think. You either walk inside your store
or you stand outside your store and hustle
for your worthiness. You either own your story,
speak your truth, and say this is what
I expect or you're always sitting here thinking,
oh, I should've said that. Oh, I should
have done that. Oh, why didn't I say
that? Why didn't I do that? We sit
in this self doubt. We sit in this
place of, oh, I'll just sit on the
fence here because I don't wanna ruffle too
many too many feathers. I don't wanna upset
anyone. When we let go, when we truly
let go of the attachment to the external
validation of others and coming
and coming back into the validation of ourselves.
This is the key for self care. This
is the key for self act for self
love. Really validating ourselves internally.
You know, not oppressing ourselves. Allah does not
Allah forbids oppression. We are no one's emotional
punching bag. No one's. And until we truly
realize that,
we will never show up in our life
in a place where we honor our needs.
And I'm telling you as someone that went
through abuse as a childhood, and I went
through an 18 year toxic marriage. 18 years
is a long time. I got married very
young
and it took a long time to get
out of that marriage.
I was aware of these things and working
through these things. When I took back my
power, when I took back and realized Allah
does not allow
me to be anyone else's emotional punching bag,
that Allah does not allow oppression on myself,
that was a journey to start walking away.
That was a journey to start healing. That
was a journey to start loving myself for
the for what Allah has given me. And
that's how I can show up because I
know I have to show up. I have
to speak a different truth.
Not oppressing ourselves, loving the work we do,
find your passion. That is self care. Self
love is really finding your passion, finding yourself,
going back to validating yourself. All that's giving
you all these beautiful
abilities and skills,
living your life totally aligned with yours. What
is your purpose? Go back to that journal,
whatever you need to do. Sit, sit at
a beach and and I don't know. We
have beautiful beaches in Australia. I'm not sure
where where everyone else is, but just be
in a place where you're grounded
in nature, when you'll be aware of how
great all of us want to tell that
is. And if you I know it's high
with lockdowns and stuff like that, but just
being in going out on the grass, doing
whatever you do. And one of the most
positive and great places that you can actually
validate yourself and I I did this tool
with some of my my clients who are
in real lockdown situations, couldn't leave the house
picture, visualize.
The mind doesn't know any different.
Put some water sounds on in the background.
Or if you like birds, if you like,
the forest, if you like whatever you like,
whatever soothes you, whatever rejuvenates you, put that
on, and for 10 minutes, just listen to
it. Close your eyes and visualize yourself there.
Visualize yourself in a place
doing better things, hoping, you know, experiencing things.
You get totally aligned to your purpose. To
get to that place, one first needs to
answer know who I am. What do I
really want? What legacy do I wanna establish
in this life? What did you want to
come in this life with the produce of
the next? We know this is a temporary
life. We know it's our monarch. We don't
know how long we're gonna be here. So
we can't play small.
We only have one life. And what are
we showing to our children?
By sitting in a place
where we're just holding onto that negativity,
holding onto what I can't do, holding onto
holding myself back. I'd better not do that
because what will people think?
When we sit in that place, we're not
honouring the life the Lord has given us.
We're not honouring the skills the Lord has
given us. We're not honouring the abilities the
Lord has given us. This is a gift
that Allah has given us. All of these
things are monitored. They are trust just like
our children are trust, isn't it? The life
is very short. They'll go up. They'll go
and live their own lives. So what we
do in the moment right now, we have
that. And remember, ladies, what you do in
the present moment now is gonna show up
in a few years' time. What you cultivate
in the present moment is gonna show up,
Inshallah. In 5, 10 years' time, whatever the
time of planning is, it's gonna show up.
But the present moment is the time to
do. Just Just like I'll give you an
example.
If we eat a lot, right, we're gonna
keep eating and not exercising, it's gonna show
up on our body in 5, 10 years'
time. Right? That's a simple example. So if
we stop exercising, start eating unhealthy food, it's
gonna show up.
What you did 5 years ago is impacting
you now.
So there's no better way better time to
start than the now. We have the now.
Okay. Are you playing small? What do you
need to allow?
The power of words. What you focus on
grows.
I cannot emphasize this enough. You know? As
someone who has studied NLP and neurolinguistic programming
and the power of your words, the words
you say to you, every cell in your
body take absorbs that. Every cell of your
body acknowledges that. When you tell yourself, you
Allah, you have made me, you know, any
perfect human being needing of you, you know,
just reminding you the connection that you have
with Allah. What do you need to allow?
You know, building your own self worth is
the key to be able to pass that
to our children. We want our children to
be confident. We need our children to be
confident. They're the next generation.
Muslims, you know what they're gonna see. Their
chest are gonna be far worse than us.
So we wanna prepare them. They're that we
wanna prepare these beautiful children. They're.
We want to affirm to them. We wanna
build their self confidence, remind them that you
can't build in someone what you don't have
in yourself. You can't give to someone
what you don't have in yourself. If you're
drained, depleted, exhausted, you can't give.
You can't give. So sometimes it's about stopping,
not doing.
Not doing, not trying. It's stopping.
It's stopping and just being, reflecting what do
I really want.
Affirming what you want, affirming what you do
not want. It's simple as that. Take that
as a journal. Affirming what you want and
affirming what you do not want. 1st strong
first position.
Strong first position is how you speak to
yourself as an effect on how you master
your abilities and achievements.
How you speak to yourself. You're the one
living with you. What is the consistent words
that you say to yourself?
The self talk is so powerful.
Our brain doesn't know any different. You can
be in a place where everyone around you
could be saying not very nice things or
put downs. But if you validate and affirm
yourself knowing that Allah
is the one that has given you so
much,
so much blessings, the ability
to speak, the ability to breathe, the ability
to feel safe. There's so many things that
are are gifts to us. The ability to
see,
the ability to have conscious awareness. Allah brought
you here right now. This is not some
coincidence.
Allah put the idea in Iyama's head to
do this conference, to bring us together, to
talk about him, to remind us to go
back to our fitra. You know our fitra
is innately resilient. Look at children. Oh, what
created them innately resilient? They're born born in
a joyful state. They're born to they cry.
They have they have needs. They just cry
for it. They they they explore. They're not
too worried what other people think. I'm watching
my son. He just started walking. He's,
16 months. And it's like he kept falling.
He kept falling. Not once did he say,
oh, no. I failed. I gotta stay down
here. I can't get up.
No.
And he got up and he walked on.
You know? And that's what we need to
do. We will fall. This is the the
condition of this life, But the opportunities that
come from that test, that's the things that
we cultivate. That's the things that we'll push
us through. If anything, the hardest tests that
crush us
are the most beautiful things that teach us.
The hardest test that crush us are the
most beautiful things that teach us. And I'm
talking to you someone that's been very tested
in many different aspects.
You know, I just came from a very
big test with my oldest son. You know,
I don't wanna go into details, but he
was in hospital for about 4 years. Sorry.
Not 4 years. I'll off a bit. I'll
protect him for 4 weeks.
And I can't tell you how humbling
this test was. And I think,
you give the test that I'm meant to
have for the thing that I'm meant to
show up for later in life.
So, no, we have to believe in ourselves,
and I've given you quick two,
quotes here. I should have found some Muslim
quotes, but I found these 2. Once we
believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder,
spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals a
human spirit. Passion is energy. Feel the power
that comes from focusing on what excites you.
Okay. So cultivating your heart.
Okay. Cultivating your heart. Think about enough, the
heart. You know? Creating a powerful vision. Why
am I asking you to think about creating
a powerful vision? How does that relate to
self worth, self care, and self love? When
you have a purpose in life, when you
cultivate something, create something positive,
it moves you forward
in life like the water to roll your
boat in the sea of life.
And letting go is about removing a resistance.
It's detaching the anchors from your boat so
you may affect your progress when you row.
So cultivating
and letting go,
is two concepts that come from Brene Brown's
book,
Daring Greatly.
So she talks about if you wanna let
go of shame
because shame is the driving force of perfection.
Shame is the one thing that steps us,
stops us from stepping up for ourselves. It
stops us from living the life we wanna
live. It stops us,
it stop allows us to put keep putting
ourselves on hold. It allows us to not
say, you know what? I am not gonna
value myself enough to give myself what I
need right now.
What do you need right
now? When you create a powerful vision for
your life and you say, you know what?
This is my purpose. Going back to our
our our future, what is the purpose of
my life? You know, Allah says, I create
a man in jinnia to worship him. So
when we stand on the day of judgement,
we're gonna be accountable. We're gonna be asked
about what was the condition of my life?
What was the? What did I do with
my life? What did I how did I
show up? How did I use my money?
How did I use my skills and abilities
that Allah gave me? What did I do
for my deen? How did I raise my
children? What can be a question? So we
have has Omar El Anjo said, hold yourself
accountable before you're held account.
Go back to your heart.
So cultivating your heart. What are you holding
in your heart that is hurting you that
is not creating self care? There's actually self
destruction to your heart.
Release the ways what what weighs you down.
Your progress is limited, slow, and painful until
you release that, until you let go.
Your wisdom, your truth, your love, your light,
they're what you want you do want to
cultivate.
And that they are cultivated within, and from
within, they ripple out. Stop holding yourself put
stop putting yourself on hold. If there's one
thing
that I hope my mothers can walk away
from is the second, you give permission to
yourself to stop putting yourself on hold, to
allow,
to give permission for whatever your self care
looks like,
to make time to journal, to make time
to write, to get your thoughts out onto
paper, to take this all off. Do a
beautiful brain dump. They're awesome. Get the brain
dump and write it all out. Get clear
and to get up and make dua. Ask
Allah, give me clarity.
You know, that's one of the greatest gifts
up to iman
is is is good mental health,
is clarity, mental health and insights. If Allah
has given you an insight
in any way and at any time, that
is a great escape. That that is a
place where we can make so much sugar
and gratefulness. Allah has given me clarity. He's
made me aware. When Allah loves someone, he
brings them closer to him.
He gives them awareness of something,
and we have that. It's taking back
our life and saying, you know what? I
don't have enough time.
I don't have this. I'm I can't do
this.
No. No. Let it go. When are you
gonna let it go?
Your wisdom, your truth, your love, your light.
We are you are putting on hold the
key to your joy and happiness as a
mother and to raising your children in alignment
with your heart, with your soul, with self
compassion, trusting Allah that that journey journey will
be fruitful.
What does your heart need right now? Share
in the chat. Tell me one thing. Your
subconscious mind's gonna tell you straight away, and
you'll either reject it or take it away.
What does your heart need right now?
Some great comments coming through here.
Sis says,
so much truth, so deep, so much learning.
Sis says,
love is coming through. Peace is coming
through. Sis says,
This is making me think so much,
and healing is coming through.
We've got peace and contentment. This is what
people feel that their hearts need right now.
There was a question here.
A system missed the end of what you
said about the hardest tests that crush us.
I'm not sure whether you remember what you
said there. It was it was a bit
of a mic drop moment, but you said
do you remember what it was? I think
the hardest tests that crush you are the
ones
that prepare you for what is coming next,
what prepares you for
well, Allah Allah gives you exactly the test
that you need at the time that you
need it. And sometimes the most crushing tests
teach us. Because I'm just thinking from my
own mind. Whatever is meant to whatever comes
up is is,
like, I don't prepayment what I what I
want to what comes to my mind. But,
I think the most crushing test that come
to us,
there's so much wisdom and and a lesson
for us for what we need in the
future.
Yeah.
We've got,
my heart needs consistency
in my relationship with my lord.
We've got forgiveness for myself and others, contentment,
and to be gentle with myself and accept
where I am at this moment and enjoy
the now.
Okay. That is self care.
That is reclaiming the heart. That's that mental
self care. We us us women are under
strong mental load.
Very. Our mental load is is heavy.
More children you have, the more mental load.
You know? It's it's heavy. And so that
self care the first self care is reclaiming
back our mindset,
our mental our mental well-being.
And that is what we need. Writing it
down, getting it out, getting clear on your
purpose. When you're clear on your purpose,
you are able to say no
to be able to say yes to what
matters more.
You're able to say no more to the
things that you can say yes to those
things. If you're saying yes yes yes yes
yes yes yes,
what's gonna happen?
But if you know your purpose, you know
your alignment of your value, what are the
things that I need to focus on in
my life?
You're gonna show up differently. You'll be able
to say when something comes to you, it's
like, no. That doesn't sit with me. And
you know what's the beautiful thing about
cultivating
alignment with our heart, really reclaiming back?
What I have found is you come up
with more and more sincerity.
Because you're doing things really from that true
place that you you feel love. You feel
like you the love is there. The energy
of that love. Living a wholehearted life is
a sincere life.
It's it's so aligned, and Allah wants us
to be aligned. You think as a believer,
our inner inner state has to reflect our
outer state. The
the usually, most of the hot problems where
we feel 2 faced or procrastinating
or some some issue there is when we're
not aligned
with what our heart really is trying to
tell us.
And and going back to that, because Allah
puts that innate wisdom. He puts it in
our heart.
Okay. This one's a big one, and it's
got me through a big test. Acceptance.
Acceptance is self care to me.
Acceptance is ability to allow people, circumstances, and
situations to be as they are. It's a
conscious choice to not resist the experience of
your life, but really to permit them to
be as they are and flow what is
happening.
It stems from the recognition that this moment
right now is the result of all the
previous moments that came before it proper.
This moment right now is the expression of
the noun. To fight it
or to fight the flow of the cover,
a resistant task to say the least.
What do you need to stop resisting?
I want just to pause
as mothers and just really think about that.
What do you need to stop resisting
in one word?
I feel resistance
right now. I don't know whether anybody else
is feeling it
because I feel like
what I know is that as a mother,
I'm responsible
for
what goes on in my house, for what
goes on around me, for how my children
behave,
and this is a difficult one. Have you
ever had anybody
have that type of response,
to kind of acceptance and allowing people's situations
to be as they are? Please, just just
talk to that.
It reminds me of a place where
sometimes we think we're in control, and we
want to be in control. We wanna kind
of have things a certain way.
But sometimes, it's not about controlling or doing
or trying. It's about just being,
allowing some things to go
how they're meant to go. And sometimes we
overthink it.
When I think about why I'm not resisting
something,
what is it I'm resisting? Why am I
resisting it?
Naima?
Yes. I'm here. I'm listening.
Yeah. What I'm saying, like like, one of
the things you said was about behavior. Mhmm.
You said, like, my children you're telling me
about my children's behavior. Yeah.
What was it you said?
Yeah. Just so so, you know, if I'm
accepting that my children okay. So give the
example of of messy.
Okay? Or Yeah. Kids are lazy. Yeah? Or
they squabble or any of the things that
kids do. Right?
How how as mothers,
are are you saying that we should
accept and just kind of allow I don't
know. Can can you hear, like, for me,
this is why I'm I'm I'm struggling to
embrace this concept because I'm like, if I
accept things the way they are,
then I'm responsible
for a bad situation,
and then I'm negligent.
And I'm, you know, not doing what I'm
supposed to do as a mother. I don't
know. Is is that
am I seeing it the wrong way?
No. That's your that's your perception of things.
The thing is
you're very driven by the outcome, and the
outcome most of us want an outcome.
There's an outcome. Like, if I don't do
this, this, and this, I'm gonna be responsible
to the outcome. The thing is we are
the outcome is in all his hands. The
outcome is always in all his hands. We
can raise our children up to not be
messy, to be organized, to to input. You
know? What we do have within our hands
is that
that the ability to to show up in
that process every day.
Well, however that shows up. It's letting it
happen, but also being
taking healthy boundaries and taking back some of
that understanding that I don't have to control
every single thing that goes on in my
life Because that's where the mental load that's
where we don't allow ourselves
to have a break. We don't allow ourselves.
We're operating at this at this level all
the time. And then the outcome is always
in Allah's hands. We could raise our children
up with strong iman, do everything possible we
can, and bring them up in every way
that is pleasing to Allah. And just like
Prophet Nour and many other prophets before us,
they might
have become adults that leave our deen or
they may become kuffar. May Allah protect and
may Allah guide our children. The outcome was
never in our hands to start with. So
when we resist something, we're resisting the color
of Allah. When we resist that, it's almost
like we put up a frustration. There's more
emotions around this. It's more of a fight.
This acceptance is
more of allowing
us having more of a conscious choice to
choose.
What am I going to
let go?
I need to let go of so I
enchant my life. Of course, we don't let
go of everything. And what are the things
that I'm resisting? That's not allowing that's actually
causing me more grief. That's causing me more
frustration
because the outcome is not in our hands
or never be in our hands. I have
today. I can build and do what I
can today,
and I don't know what will happen tomorrow.
But it's more for me, I see it.
It's more that the cover will come. And
when I put this up, I was thinking
of test.
Mhmm. I was thinking about that when you
look at test and it will come, the
death of someone.
The the and and you would know that
you you how your husband passed away on
her. Like, it was when did you ever
go through that and decide, I have to
accept this? I have to surrender to this?
Yeah. Actually, that's interesting that you say that
because when it comes to tests, it is
so interesting. Again, it's the story I'm telling
myself because
for in that situation,
acceptance was my immediate go to. Like, that's
where I went immediately. There was no resistance
whatsoever.
But I think they yeah. And and this
is, you know, we've got some some of
the attendees who are saying, you know, similar
things that, you know, sister Rahima says, I
used to force my kids to do what
I think is important in their lives. However,
I was made to know that I cannot
control them. I can show and tell them
what they are to do and then leave
the decisions to them. I've done my part
because it was really getting me frustrated when
I didn't get what I want from them,
which is interesting because this is what this
is what it kind of results in when
you feel you have to control
and that indeed you can
control the outcome.
Jameela says, I'm struggling with accepting my child
the way she is because I don't want
to grow up with the baggage I'm trying
to offload now. Oh, that's deep.
Yeah. And so the cycle breaker, that ends
with you. That's the we're the ones that
are gonna be changing. And that's why it's
messy work because it's like we're going into
a a territory where we're not just following
what our parents did, and we're not just
showing up a certain way. We're saying, you
know what? I want better. I want some
things different here. When I put this one
up with acceptance, my reference in my head
was about test.
How sometimes we have to stop resisting the
test, and we got to accept it or
submit to it or whatever that color is.
With children, one of the biggest things I
find is when mothers realize that their perception
of their child is actually really the filter
that is affecting their relationship with that child.
Oh, wait. Wait. Woah.
Woah. Woah.
Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah.
Woah. That that that hit hard.
Please, sis. Oh, sorry. You have to go
back and say that again slowly
for the people in the back. That is
a word right there. Please say it again.
Naima, your your motto, I'm gonna always remember
your your go to saying is and tell
it to the people at the back. I've
got a woman to grab that. Yeah. No.
But say that again, please. Please. That was
what
Let me remember what I was saying.
Okay. Perception.
About your your perception of the child being
filtered. This is the big thing. I spent
a whole module on this. I spent a
whole workshop on this. Our perception,
our filter, that we start
to we see our child,
that impacts the energy and the relationship with
that child.
If I hold my child as lazy,
I'm gonna interact with that child as lazy.
I'm always gonna have this perception, yep, He's
completely lazy.
I'm going to interact in that way. If
I hold that child, that child is naughty.
That child is disrespectful.
I'm always going to interact with that child
with that filter
until we let go of some of the
filters.
Because remember, behavior is an outcome.
Behavior is not the definition of that person
or that child. It's an outcome of our
beliefs, our values, how other people it's like
a self,
self prophecy. If we hold a child in
a certain behavior, yes, you're like this. I
was just doing this this morning. I was
coaching a mother, and her child has a
disability. And she keeps emphasizing the child disability.
And I said to her, why do you
call the child why do you keep telling
the child she she has this disability?
And she's like, because it is a disability.
I said, yeah. But why do you have
to keep reminding her it's a disability? To
me, it's just a visual processing issue.
It's just a processing issue. More than a
she's not her label.
She's more than that. And if and and
and I was thinking, subhanAllah,
my son had the exact same thing that
her her one of my children had a
slight maybe less than what her daughter had.
Not once in my life have I told
him, oh, you know, you've got a learning
difficulty. You've got a you've got a a
disability. Never once. Because I want him to
believe,
and he can believe, that he's capable. If
you tell if you tell one of the
biggest things, Naima, I've never written a book.
Love
writing. Love,
doing posts. Love I love writing. I never
did a book because I can remember the
words of my year one teacher who always
told me I'm such a bad writer. I'm
a bad
speller. And it's taken me up until this
age. I was so I've come just subconsciously
held that in my in my that perception
that I was a bad speller, bad writer.
Almost hitting 40 and thinking, oh my god.
I've held this belief, and that stopped me
from writing a book. It stopped me from
actually putting all these words together. I've only
consciously become aware of that this year. So
what our perceptions are, we filter. We we
we we distort. We delete.
We take away. That's why a lot of
times women, when you tell them something good
about results, they'll delete that. So I'm just
gonna delete it because as a child, they
weren't exposed to technology. They weren't supposed to
acknowledge the truth. They weren't supposed to acknowledge
the,
you know, we're not supposed to acknowledge certain
things about ourselves, or they denied
that part of you. They they they weren't
allowed the rejected part of themselves.
You know? I was the big, bossy, big
sister. I rejected that until I became no.
I'm gonna speak my truth. It doesn't really
matter what anyone thinks anymore because I need
to speak my truth because maybe
maybe there's just one person's life that changes
by misreading the story of my truth. And
isn't that beautiful, our mark? Because that's how
we share stories
of the things that reclaim.
They connect us at a different level. They
help us to really realise how human we
are. We're all vulnerable.
We all cry. We all go through experiences
that are crushing.
We all feel feelings of grief and hopelessness
and sadness at times. We also feel blessed
and joy and happiness. We're a range of
human beings. The more raw and open authentic
we step up in our lifestyle, the more
we show up in our life and say,
you know what? I'm doing this. You know
what was the most incredible perception that we
do? By doing that, we show up with
our children and say, you know what? This
is life.
I'm mirroring to my children my life.
This is life. Is life a big adventure?
Is it is is life is life depression
and Tess?
What is life? What is the message I'm
sending to my child about life?
What's the perception I'm holding about them? It's
very powerful.
And one of the things is many of
us don't hold have high make time for
self love. You ask so many men why
what should be this challenge with self love
and self worth? I was told, you know,
I shouldn't look after myself or I'm only
here to bring up children or, you know,
my mom used to laugh I had one
the other day. My mom used to laugh
at me when I said to her, I
wanted to,
I wanted to,
I wanted to paint or something like that,
like something for herself. So she looked very
young that she's not supposed to do things
for herself.
If we held our children in more of
a perception
that you matter, you are heard, you are
seen, speak your voice,
Validate. Remind them to validate themselves internally.
We're gonna have a stronger ummah.
And so that it comes back to us.
It comes back to us taking the power
to that We have we have that role,
of course, in all those hands.
But I can I wanna go in my
gray?
I wanna go in my gray smiling.
I wanna be lowered into that earth knowing
I did what I could do.
I showed up for my children. I spoke
to them. I listened to them. I really
listened to them. I heard what their heart
wanted.
And when we go back to that, all
of us doing that in our own homes,
we strengthen our.
And we when we really show them, no.
Mom needs some time by herself.
Mom is giving permission
to go and exercise. So
her body's her body's her mind. I'll be
back in an hour. When we send this
message to our children that our body, our
soul, our heart is valuable, we're indirectly telling
them, look after yourself.
Sorry, girls. I can talk.
None of them. Everyone
is is is is appreciating,
you know. They are picking up what you
are putting down.
We've got people come to play. Place, you
know, just making sure that there will be
a replay, making sure that it will be
recorded.
And also that that I think that game
changer,
your perception of your child is the filter
through which you interact with that child. I
think everyone can relate to that,
and definitely, you know, see how their perception
of their individual children, maybe of their husband
or their family members or even friends
is impacting
how they show up and how they interact
with that person. We've got sisters in tears.
We've got sisters saying, woo hoo. We've got
a and we've got yep yeps. So, yeah,
all good, sis. Keep going. Keep going. Okay.
No worries.
Okay. I wanna talk about something that I
think is really important with cultivating
self care, and that is cultivating your heart.
Really holding on to hope. Sorry. Go back.
So it's
hope. The thing is we're in this fast
paced culture, right, where instant everything's instant. I
wanna do this. I wanna do that. Sometimes
things are not in our timing.
Think of Musa alaihis salam. How long did
he have to wait
before Firon was destroyed? He may die from
the time he may die to the time
that Firon was was was completely taken away.
We also had to wait a period of
time. He had to go through that test
of that weight. Sometimes things are not at
our timing. We must always hold on to
hope and choose hope. Remember, there's always care.
It's easy to believe it isn't possible or
stay motivated,
but when we're willing to make the changes
and take fully responsibility
for our lives, the results will come with
Allah's
permission.
And the righteous will go to heaven, Jannah.
This is what you were promised for the
doing good doing good and who filled the
arachman and had a sound heart. We carry
positive hope. A believer holds onto that hope.
Shifting our focus.
Shifting our heart's goals. What's your heart's goal?
Get passionate. Get like I if you really
want to
create beautiful self love and pass it to
your children and
because
love is the highest vibration.
Love is the highest vibration of energy. We
are energy souls.
Our soul's connected. You know? We are believers
where our souls connect. That vibration of love
shifting. What is your heart's goal? And most
importantly, we have self compassion for ourselves and
others knowing the best plan is planning best
for us. What we want and what will
will happen will be exactly when Ola wants
it. I'm telling you, I made dua to
go Hajj
12 years ago. And I made dua, and
I saved up, and made dua. And then
my ex husband, he got to go Hajj,
and my visa was rejected. And I cried
for a week and thought, you know, why
is all that stopping me? I'm the one
that saved. I'm the one that really wanted
to go.
And then,
12 years later,
I was standing in front of the Kaaba,
and it was in February. It was a
week before they
closed, they closed the Kaaba because of, COVID
19. And I'm standing in front of the
Kaaba 12 years later.
And it was 2 AM in the morning,
and I was on Umrah.
And I said,
now I know why
you stopped me from going bahaj 12 years
ago,
and you made me stand at this moment
at 2 AM in the morning on February
5,
2020
in front of the Kaaba and make the
store next to my husband.
And I said, this was the one thing
because we both had had married before and
we had he has a child, and I
have 4 children from our previous marriage.
It was the one thing that we got
to do together that was the first thing
together.
And we're much older too. You know? We've
we've both gotten older much younger. And it
was like, this was our thing. This was
our going for Umrah together. It was our
bond. It was our our our thing that
we waited for. And it was also
I I waited 12 years because I was
going through this check with my son, my
oldest son at the time. He's medically unwell.
And it was like I needed that the
most. I needed that so much to stand
in front of the Kaaba and ask Allah
for his mental and emotional health. And anything
can happen. No
Anything. So knowing the timing might not happen
when you want it, but it will happen
when it's meant to be. So trust in
Allah's plan.
When we hold that,
we hold this beautiful perception of Allah. Right?
It's all about perception. When we hold a
more beautiful perception of Allah, we start to
understand
that all of one's good for us. There's
khair and everything for us, and we stand
up in a place that, don't I want
and good for myself? Don't I wanna look
after myself? If I look after myself, if
I carve out time for myself,
if I prioritise myself,
it's not selfish.
I'm looking after the armanat of my heart
and my soul.
I'm passing this beautiful message to my children
and the people around me that it's okay
and beautiful to look after yourself. Because better
to be well and striving and helping and
supporting and and looking after yourself and looking
after others
than being in a place of depression and
burnout and exhaustion.
So there's a fine balance there, and it
always comes back to us saying to ourselves,
I take responsibility
for my life. I take
responsibility to hold on to this.
I want to share with you this beautiful
saying.
And my mother gave me this saying,
about the time I got divorced about 6
years ago.
And it really was something I was really
in a point where the chest was starting
to feel so crushing.
It was really hard time.
And he's saying, in accordance with how good
your expectation of and hope in all of
the sudden are and how truthful your reliance
and to walk on trust are in him.
Allah will not betray your hopes in the
least as he does not,
does not betray your hopes of those who
hope and does not cause any effort to
go wasted.
That's said by Sa'ad Abu Muhammad al Qadisi
from Reflections
Expecting the Breast from Allah, and he wrote
that book in jail.
So it was a sheikh that was locked
up in jail, and he wrote that book.
And it just reminded me that Allah will
never betray my hopes and that Allah will
never cause any effort to go wasted. And
moms, so many times, we look at our
children, and we carry this perception, oh, no.
I failed or, oh, no. His behavior's
oh, no. He did this.
Just remember, no effort's never gonna get wasted.
Allah's got that installed.
What is around the corner may cause you
great happiness.
So just hold this positive image of your
child. That that child
could be the means of Hidayah, could be
the leader of the of the,
amiru solihin. He may be the amir of
the, you know, the solihi the good.
Always hold that because what your perception is
also your dua. Your dua, you're gonna be
more likely to turn to dua because you're
carrying a perception that I hope the best
for my child. I want a good outcome.
Outcome in all eyes. All that can manifest
anything if we hold on to hope
and trust.
I wrote this 3 years ago. I'm building
a sanctuary within with compassion and understanding,
shifting the negative to the positive, and creating
balance, contentment, and peace where sorry. It's most
it's meant to say wherever I go with
Allah's
permission.
Okay. Letting go.
Okay? Think about resistance. What do I need
to let go that's weighing me down? What
do you need to let go?
What do you need to choose to declutter
your soul?
And I've already asked that question. What have
you neglected about yourself?
Start with 1 or the first or second.
What is one thing you need to let
go of right now? Thinking about spiritually,
thinking about mindset,
thinking about physically, thinking about your children, thinking
about family relationships,
thinking about anything around you, what is gonna
be the cycle breakup that if you let
go, this ends with me?
I'm not passing this on to my children.
I'm choosing now to let go of this.
What is that thing?
Just to say as worry.
And, while everybody's
gathering themselves
oh, sister Zoe says letting go of the
results with a capital r.
And,
constant fear of failing is coming up.
Letting go of the outcome.
Letting go of negativity.
Thank you, Naima.
Mhmm.
So so just as an aside,
sister Raffia says, I didn't know what to
from this conference as I stumbled upon it
yesterday,
but I'm glad I came.
I'm glad I'm glad I'm making the time.
All I planted you here for a reason.
Mhmm. Yes.
Okay. So letting go of perfection is powerful
self care. So letting go of perfection is
powerful self care.
This is my son's laptop,
husband.
Life means so hard sometimes.
Sorry.
It goes fitting for actually this song, this
this this slide.
That's Mahazane.
It's my son's laptop, so I think it's
it's he he was listening to it before.
For some reason, as as it the first
bits were coming through, I was thinking, oh,
she's got a nice didgeridoo
playing for us in the back.
It's actually Maha Zayn's song about letting go.
So. Oh really?
Okay. So I'm an engaged,
imperfect woman, passionate to learn more, raise our
children to embrace their vulnerabilities and imperfections and
know their strengths. So many of us were
brought up on certain expectations that we fear
failing, fear of mistakes,
fear of
really rumbling without vulnerability,
and a lot of blame, shame, and that.
And this is the key is that if
we learn to let go of our imperfection
perfectionism and actually show a role in imperfect,
we connect.
You're connecting to me more here because I'm
showing up as I am now. I'm not
here to to prove anything. I'm saying, you
know, I struggle too, and this is what
I've done in my life
to hold back my self care and self
love is reclaim my soul, reclaim what I
want, my passion. What is the things that
I wanna show up? What do I need
to let go in my life? And it's
a continuous journey. And you know what's the
most beautiful thing about it?
Is that
you you just grow.
You just keep going because you're asking Allah
to give you more clarity, to give you
more awareness, to help you to show up.
You know? And many times, as children, we
protect ourselves. We protected ourselves from being blamed.
We protected ourselves from certain emotions. You know?
We protect ourselves from being hurt. We were
even diminished or put down or things happened
to us. It doesn't necessarily come out parents.
It could be a well meaning teacher. It
could be messages from our culture to serve,
to be there, to people please. You know,
We
We do look after the needs and rights
of others. Allah does not allow us to
oppress ourselves either.
So it's being aware that I really wanna
connect, if I really wanna show up, I
wanna I wanna take my place in this
world and and
and
certain things and
these things. I have to put the armor
down. I have to stop numbing.
I have to stop numbing. I have to
stop disassociating,
which is like I have to stop being
an autopilot.
I have to let go of certain things.
I have to let go of worry and
really trust in Allah's plan.
So these things.
Sorry, ladies.
Oh, no. My husband is, like, leading life
to this to this.
This presentation
is, like, head with everything. Everything. Yes.
I just wanna share a couple of things
that have been shared by some of the
attendees.
Sister says,
I cannot stop
crying. That shows how much I need to
really let all of this sink in and
figure myself out.
May Allah make it a means for everyone
here to get what it is that they
need.
Subhan. Mister Rahima says it's, the importance of
letting go of imperfection
or perfection
in relation to her kids.
Another sister says letting go of expectations
of others rather they're choosing to go with
my own goals for myself.
Yeah.
And you know the thing about perfection,
there's always some kind of outer validation that
we're trying to seek or there's some shame
driving it. There's some it's it's almost like
a self defense. It's not something that when
we try to aim for perfection, Allah did
not create us perfect. We're meant to be
imperfect. We're meant to have flaws. We're meant
to we're meant to show up. You know,
we're meant to we're
what's the word?
It prevents us from being seen.
It it it carries it holds us down.
And so we have to be aware of
that.
Healthy boundaries.
Healthy boundaries to me, it's is a beautiful
story.
And I wrote this poem. I think I
wrote about 2 weeks ago. I'm the safest
person for my inner child. Inner child meaning
the the little me with whoever that looks
like of you. The way others respond to
my boundaries is more about them.
Sorry. More about them than about me. I
allow others to have their own feelings about
my boundaries.
I allow myself to unplug from others' issues.
It's okay for me to do things differently
than my mother.
I only have to handle the present moment.
Others are responsible
for her own experience or their own experiences.
I don't have to take the behaviors of
others personally.
I can remove myself from a situation if
I'm uncomfortable.
It's okay if things don't go as planned.
Choosing an empowered mindset is a major step
in my healing.
I have a right to protect my emotional
and mental space.
I'm no one's emotional punching bag,
and Islam is all about healthy boundaries.
We cannot have the boundaries in our lives
if we don't have self worth.
We will not have self worth if not
and we until we really know that we
matter. So self love actually helps us
to create
the life that we want, to redesign our
life in a way that we create those
boundaries,
healthy limits and boundaries around our time, who
has access to our time and energy, how
much we're really waiting to give. You can
honor that you wanna give and serve others,
but have your boundaries around it
so that you make time for your.
You make time for your children. You make
time for the things that you're also passionate
about.
It's about balance, isn't it? Our prophet Mohammed
was the most balanced. If you look at
the legacy of his life and who he
was, he was a very balanced person. He
had healthy boundaries. He knew he's allocated time
to his family. He knew he's allocated time
for commitments. He knew when going to the
mushy
my. He wasn't overwhelmed to think, oh, no.
The people are coming, and they're trying to
get all my, you know, all my, energy
and time. He knew. He knew himself.
And isn't he the best example for us
to follow?
That song seems to go between each one,
so that's just part of the presentation.
Where it
okay. And this is another one I wrote,
the power of validating me to me. Your
feelings are all okay with me. I love
supporting your freedom and individuality.
I love taking care of you and supporting
you.
Allah is a source of support in my
own life. I'm here for you. So you're
saying that to yourself. I'm here for you.
You have all that you need to support
you. Oh, it's given you everything you need.
It's all in
within. I'm the adult.
You are allowed,
and journal. You are allowed.
You get to receive.
Receive means accepting help. It's saying that. It's
not a weakness. It actually supports me and
helps me. It it honors me to to
help others and to accept help. You can
rest in me.
Okay.
Almost finished the slides. I'm I'm aware of
time ladies. I'm getting a bit over. Restoration
and rest.
Essential.
What is your level? Permission to stop. Need
to be able to rest mentally and take
a break of everything because I deserve to
be mentally nourished too. Cultivating action rest, cultivating
action rest cycle. I'm telling you that rest
cycle is your self care. You can cultivate
and you can create and you can do
a new action, and then you have that
rest and restoration.
Allow your body to hack. It's right over
you. And and doing that is a beautiful
self care, not feeling guilty
about resting.
No. Guilt really is self loathing.
It's telling yourself, how dare you have, an
afternoon sooner than that? When it's actually sunnah
that's actually beneficial for us. So allowing ourselves
giving ourselves permission. I want I just did
something that's gonna allow me to be productive,
to cultivate.
I listen with love and understanding to my
body's needs. I practice self compassion,
self care, self discipline, and give permission to
look after myself to a healthy mind,
body,
and soul.
After me, I love and accept my commitments
to Allah.
I lovingly accept my energy and intensity. I
lovingly accept my skills and ability that Allah
has given me. I lovingly accept my dreams
and desires. I lovingly accept my big commitments
to truth and authenticity,
showing up. I lovingly accept who I am
right now. I lovingly
accept my dear sister's success and force just
like I accept them within myself. I'm in
no one's competition.
I love to accept my true journey
because they're all gifts from.
They truly are.
It's so fitting.
So good. Okay. This is a dua. I
said for anyone that needs to hear this,
may Allah ease your pain. May Allah grant
you patience
and fill your heart with his light. If
you're struggling, know that you're not alone and
that Allah is the best of plans, the
fixer of the heart, the giver of tranquility,
peace, and joy.
Seek his comfort. Be personal and emotional with
your love, acknowledging my flaws and vulnerabilities,
my check and sadness to him. And he
is the most merciful of those that show
mercy.
Acknowledging I'm far from perfect and so in
need of him.
And Allah bless your days and nights with
barakah and progress towards his light.
What do I believe about myself?
How much do I care about myself? Awesome
journal topics.
Sit down and make that time. Cultivate that
time. You owe it to yourself, moms. We
do so much for everybody else.
Owe it to yourself to come back, to
your future, to your purpose. What do I
need to believe about myself? How much do
I care about myself?
Okay.
This is me and my gifts and talents.
I'm a woman of good character, not perfect,
but moving forward in doing good. I can
own this and embrace joy in who I
am and what I am doing,
but the ones who believe and do righteous
deeds inshallah will
to guide the true of his flow, wherein
they will abide forever. It is a promise
of Allah, which is true. And who is
more truthful than Allah and statement?
When will you give full permission to yourself
to share your gifts and talents in good
deeds? Inshallah in this life.
Okay. My dear sisters,
I wanna offer you a free gift. This
is my,
Quran,
future self journaling positive affirmations reflection booklet. And
it's a little booklet that I put together
for my my sisters and my 5 and
shine.
Once a year, I do an 11 month
5 and shine. I took a and
we go through a beautiful
11 month journey. This is one of the
tools I I we do together, which is
our crime future journaling. And, anyone that wants
that, I'll put the link in and you
can just pop your email in and I'll
send it to you. So that's a little
gift that I wanted,
and it's great. It's really great prompts that
I've put in there, and I've related it
to a ayat sukran that I thought were
related to that, to the particular prompt coaching
kind of question I'm asking you to journal.
Journal, journal, journal. It's a beautiful way to
rewire the brain, especially when journaling about what
are the future that we want. You know?
And all Allah is the one who manifests.
He manifests the outcome. He manifests the duas,
but we put the effort. You know, what's
in our hands we can do, but knowing
the outcome is in Noah's hands.
I love that, Seys. And,
what we will do, everyone,
we will send this link out to you
via email. And, Khadija, we can also post
it directly in the Facebook group so it's
easier for people just to click and Oh,
yeah. Definitely.
Yeah. Yeah. I think you have a special
offer for us. Right? I've just got my
motherhood empowerment,
course. It's a self paced one. It's like
10 beautiful modules,
specifically for helping you raising children and just
coming back to yourself. Some of the things
a little bit of what I've touched on
is, like, a 12 week course and a
breakthrough,
60 minute 1 to 1 coaching session. I'm
doing that in a special offer. I've put
the link in there for just the ladies
of this group.
And I'm also, you know, I'm offering if
you want to enroll into next year's, I
only take about 20 women on the journey.
I've already filled up a few places.
But if there's something that resonates with you,
get in contact with me, inshallah. I am
on Instagram, and I will put this link
up if anyone's interested.
Interested in that one. I just
Oh.
That's my Instagram. I'm Muslim, my motherhood approach,
and my Facebook is, Muslim Motherhood Circle. And
I would love to hear your takeaways inshallah.
Alright, ladies. So what we'll do inshallah is,
if we can,
Khadija, you can post in the Facebook group,
with these links and people can can, you
know, basically connect with you directly there. Or
you guys can follow her on Instagram and
send her a DM. Regardless, we'll send out
the links on email,
and we've got some people who are already
saying that they're interested, so that's amazing. But
would love love to hear from you guys
as to what you feel your biggest takeaways
were from this session. And I wanna say
to you, sister Khadija, for really,
really kicking us off with a bang as
with with fire as sister Laingka said. And,
you know, just giving us a lot of
food
for thought.
I think that's what I would say.
So, definitely, guys, you can continue the conversation
in the Facebook group,
to share your takeaways there as well. But
for for now, can you see the chat
now, Faridja? Yes. I can. Okay. You can
read the you can read the comments then.
Yeah. Just a couple of
Oh, you want me to read that? Sorry.
You can read your. Yeah.
But I'm my I'm just my mind blank
for a second. My takeaway, you do not
need permission from anyone to take care of
yourself. Oh,
I
appreciate this. I need to rewatch this.
All
of us. Secondly, your perception of your child
is the filter through which you interact with
the child's partner.
Amazing first session. I can't wait. Sister,
same here.
So,
some beautiful takeaways. I'm so grateful.
It's all from the permission of Allah. He
brought us all here together, and may he
bring us together in a much better place.
Last takeaway my biggest takeaway is maintaining boundaries
and not feel guilty for the rest cycle.
Oh, that is beautiful.
Alhamdulillah.
You know what I was thinking when you
were speaking,
and you mentioned so many different things from
psychology
that those of us who are coaches
and have been coached and have been, like,
learning about coaching and NLP, we're so familiar
with them. But you we I think we'd
be surprised
how many sisters do not know
what we mean when we say, like, you
know, filters, for example. Yeah. Your perception alters
things or even your inner child
attachment,
you know. Yeah. What were some of the
things that you said about deflection
and deletion and all of that. I feel
like we need to have, like, an NLP
conference or something, like, for psychology basics,
for sisters to to to kind of reclaim,
reclaim control of their state, of their mind
state, you know, because I think that's that's
what what are your thoughts on that?
You know,
I can remember 4 years ago being a
student of Lainga,
and I did a 12 week course with
her. Oh, wow. Yeah. Really? I think I
was one of the first students in one
of her course school. And was the first
one that made me so aware. Like, the
growth I had in that 12 weeks around
perception was like,
oh my god. I'm filtering all this. Yeah.
And it got me onto doing, you know,
2 back to back courses in, you know,
NLP emotional mastery and NLP communication, but she
was the seed. And I just think, you
know, they can see, Elaine Car that you're
leaving behind,
and you can see the growth in 4
years. Like, when you dedicate yourself to your
growth,
who I am then and who I am
now is completely different person. And it's just
like,
you know what's the most beautiful thing is
Naima and and and all the dear sister
is that.
You know, that's a part of this this
life. But the more resilient one, maybe therapy
wide longer is,
When the chest do hit and they do
crush it sometimes,
you just come from a place that
it's okay.
You You know? I've got this. Allah is
with me. Allah is here with me. It's
like your perception and your mindset, the more
you strengthen it in this healing journey and
as you grow and as you really embrace
your your vulnerability and your courage and your
values and your skills and everything all of
us have given us, you could actually can
have gratitude in a text. We can actually
humbly accept because what am I meant to
learn here? It becomes like a self discovery
journey.
Yes.
It's curiosity. Yes.
I love that. Elaine can hear crying.
She's just like, oh, so Oh, I see
you.
Oh, my beautiful Aika. What a blessing. Please
do read some more Try and make you
cry a little bit more later.
I'll show you what I did when I
was in Umrah.
Okay. I'll I'll I'll share something. When I
was in Umrah, I asked Allah. I said
I'm specific with Nain. I said Allah let
me do something with Laying Khar Naima.
And I said that in Yeah.
No.
I went, yeah,
and when you sent me that email that
month ago, I was going through the real
test. Now my son was in hospital. I
was like, when you sent it to me,
I remember smiling, making sure. I said, yeah.
I'll accept that a while. Like,
The whole And I just thought,
So this, you know,
SubhanAllah, like, we don't realize think things come
from us, but nothing comes from us.
SubhanAllah. I love it. Oh my god. My
heart is absolutely full right now. I just
wanna go and bathe to Jude and go
to bed, but I can't.
Hello. Oh, that's so amazing. What a blessing
to be part of this, to be part
of this system, but seriously, it's
just oh, it's literally just the best.
So I think,
guys, let's let's thank sister Khadija for this
amazing session.
You know, there's some great comments here,
from,
you know, from from the audience.
You know, our efforts as mothers, wives, and
daughters, and sisters, they do not go to
waste. So resist the urge to feel disheartened
if our children or loved ones do not
take the path we hope they will. You
do not know what the future holds. And
I love what Minela says here. Whatever trauma
happens to us is not our responsibility,
but our healing is definitely our responsibility
through which we grow as humans. In other
words, unlearning what we've learned through childhood is
in our power
if we're willing to do the deep work.
She loves the tools that were given here
as well,
Oh, so good. So good.
May Allah bless you and your family with
every khair. And,
hopefully, we'll see you in some of the
other sessions as well. But please pop into
the Facebook group as soon as this is
over and, you know, make that post. Yeah.
Put all your links in there, and everybody
who wants to ask questions, get more information
about, you know, your your programs and what
they can do with you, guys, feel free
to to, you know, to just connect with
sister Khadija in the Facebook group. Okay? And
I'll see you guys at 3 o'clock inshallah.
Michael's lunch market.