Naima B. Robert – Advice on Polygamy polygyny for Muslim Women
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yeah,
See who are we?
Sorry, everybody. Yeah. Out of my control. I
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be in a situation where you
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who've come to the house, and then the
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masha'Allah, you can't see each other, you know,
you can't talk, you can't, you know, the
food hasn't
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Lovely
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May I love
sister Fatima and Naila. How are you doing?
Is,
is coach and Zia still, like, the angle
the camera angles and stuff like that?
So
Oh, Mary.
So many of us. Can I'm doing AB.
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when you're done and end the meeting inshallah
after the q and a second
evening. Alright. I
I'm gonna
in the capable hands of coaches Fatima and
Nyla from outstanding personal relationships. I will definitely
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in the email after their talk inshallah. But
for now, I'm gonna leave their capable hands.
Sisters,
could you share your husband, though? Take it
away.
Yeah. I'm sorry, Shirley. Yeah. I was a
little scared. I can't see you later. I'm
You know, the interesting thing is, you know,
coach
Coach Nyla.
Coach Fatima. Co wise, co founders of outstanding
personal relationships
as well as coauthor.
Sir,
period. Yes.
So it doesn't been, you know, helping
relationships
and marriages
Right.
In polygyny and
monotony, but definitely in a
lot because it doesn't build place and we've
gone for years. So, yeah, that's that's about
it. But that's the thing. Can you share
your husband, which is, you know, for those,
you know, pretty much, if not everybody, most
of you want to know that religion is
1 man married to multiple
you know, having multiple wives
multiple women. Not
dating multiple women,
married to multiple women. Yeah. We're Muslims, so
it's it's not to 4.
So making you multiply your wives. No? There's
a cap. So,
yeah, we we just wanted to say that
for clarification
because we're absolutely pro
pro morals. So we don't have additional
husbands.
We are not married to one another.
Common denominator is our husband post.
And that's and that's where it ends.
But, yes,
let's talk about, can we share our husbands?
And
sometimes we wanna run from that question
because that word sharing can be scary if
you don't want to.
You know? And
to put things in the proper perspective,
you can do what you tell yourself you
can,
and you can do the things that you
tell yourself you can't.
So
I found in my own personal experience, if
I give myself permission to do something that
is allowed for me, I'll do it.
But then if I don't,
right away, I kinda skate around and go,
well, I don't have to deal with that
right now. So I'm just gonna act like
it's not gonna happen, and it's not here.
Because then I can deal with it better
if I ignore it. Complete avoidance,
doesn't serve us.
So when we run away from just the
word share, the word polygyny,
and,
your husband having more time with another wife,
not, You know? We don't wanna say other
women because I've seen this thing thrown around
with this
cheating. What if he cheated?
Or, you know, what if you cheated on
him like he cheated on you?
We have to be very careful, especially as
Muslims,
using this terminology
because it is it's straight up from kufa.
And we don't talk about this enough
by accusing our cowwives of being
the the homewrecker, or the husband is the
one that's the cheater.
We have to be so careful because I've
seen Muslims use this,
and they think it makes them look good
to say it. They think it's accurate. They
think it's facts, so they're just throwing it
out there because they just want to and
they're hurting.
I've had people use that in our case
and said something. They say cheat, but they
might as well have said that.
And it it you know,
the ball was in my court in a
particular conversation,
and I had to really get very serious
very quickly
because if you equate polygyny to cheating or
if you say the cowife your cowife is,
an adulteress or she's a homewrecker
and giving power to something that is haram
for you to even say.
You gotta think about your character. You have
to think about the protection of your family
and what is your endgame
in agree being agree
agreeing
agreeable to someone that is saying, oh, it's
cheating. Or if you did that to him,
you cheated on him like he cheated on
you.
I just I it it really upsets me
very deeply
when I hear Muslims say this, and then
they use it to teach and say, well,
you know, if you cheated on him, how
will he feel? I'm like, what are you
talking about?
Here's the interesting thing. We sure are husbands
anyway.
The thing is that I think exactly.
And,
you have to think about it. Okay.
What
what are you
you what is the issue? Is it the
the,
what are they? The 8 or the 8
hours of the out of the day as
you probably spend with them? Meaning, if there's
a person that
goes to work for 8 hours a day,
we're not even talking about commuting.
I'm talking about sleep. If you're sleeping, 8
hours there, you're sleeping 8 hours a day.
You know, you have 24 hours per day.
Mhmm.
So when it comes down to it and
then the interesting thing is, you know, people
will say, well, you know, we do this.
We do so much, and we have,
we've done this together. We've done that together.
You know? Marries a game that takes away
all of this time away from you and
just things like that. And then you have
to say, you know, really look at us.
Are you is it
is it really? Because I've noticed in
a number of instances
where it actually
adds the time because Dow is more intentional
about how he's spending the time.
And Sure. So to make sure it's showing
sweet pictures, you know, bloom the air, bloom
just, you know, those type of things like
that, were the things that he can control.
So,
a lot of it comes with
emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence and if we are
emotionally intelligent enough to handle,
our
emotions.
You know, our it's not a see, a
lot of times, it gets put out there
that he did this.
You know? He he did this or this
is what happened or whatever the case may
be. And then all of a sudden, we're
all like, you know, to
hold the mirror.
You know, like, hold the mirror to ourselves
when it looks as though, you know, it's
something that we may have to work on,
some challenges we may have. Yeah. But
that's the only way we can get better.
That's the only way we can grow if
we look and say, okay. Wait.
Maybe it's how
I'm handling it.
Maybe it's how I'm
reacting to it. Maybe it's how,
you know,
it may be a narrative,
the spin that I'm putting on it.
And
if we are in a state of emotional
intelligence,
we can not saying that we won't get
angry. Not saying that we won't be hurt.
Not saying that, you know, you have these
these
normal feelings that can come from
feeling uncomfortable.
However,
how are we dealing with those
those uncomfortable feelings?
You know, how are we looking at the
situation? Are we looking at it in a
narrow minded way
where it's just
me, me. You know? I feel this way.
It wasn't done the way I want it
to be done or I don't want it
to be done at all.
Or is it a bigger picture there?
You know? Or is it where we are
we are villainizing
the husband
and stating that, well,
it's only to satisfy his naps or it's
only to satisfy
his sexual desires and only to satisfy these
type of things
instead of
where it's
what's the bigger picture?
You know?
Am I gonna be if we're in it
to win it and we were in it
to win
it when it was just us,
what makes that different now? Because if we're
minding our marriage with that emotional intelligence, we're
minding
our
marriage, our own personal marriage to our spouse,
then that didn't change.
But we have to say, okay. Are we
emotionally intelligent enough to have the uncomfortable conversation?
Are we emotionally intelligent enough to
really sit back and say,
you know, am I making it easy?
You know? Because I know I've heard a
number a number of people say, I won't
make it easy.
So, like, but where does that put your
marriage?
Because
you can't destroy someone else's marriage nor can
someone else destroy yours.
That's the job of
you if you choose to do it. You
know?
So
emotional intelligence, of course, is a a big,
big key
in knowing if you are even equipped
enough
to or prepared enough. And I know some
people would just say, well, I'm just not.
I'm just not. But the thing is, if
that was ever
a thing in your life
because you can't control your husband
and what he would like to do and
what he may think is best for the
family and those different things.
Can you
honestly say that you know what?
All this time, everything was good.
Things were good. We worked through stuff. We
talked through things. But now because he married
again against what I wanted, then I would
walk away and I would throw all that
away. I'll walk away from that.
Or would you say, you know what?
I'm going to
stick and stay, and I'm gonna work with
him, and I'm gonna work through it with
him.
Yeah.
And I mean,
you don't need to make anything hard. It
already has its challenges, so why do you
wanna multiply them?
That's my thing. And then it's like you
gotta dig yourself more out of a hole.
And it's funny because
we have to understand that
we're good with letting ourselves evolve.
But then when somebody else wants to evolve,
then we might have issue with it
if it's not meeting the goals that we
have for the marriage that we dreamed of.
We don't know until we ask, what is
the marriage you dreamed of?
What does that look like for you? Because
sometimes we think if we're happy, that's we're
great if we're happy, but then we'll kinda
limit the happiness of the husband.
You know, it's important for our husbands to
be happy as well.
It's important for men to be happy as
well. You're not gonna get me to sit
on any platform and just sit and bash
men. The world is doing that enough. They'll
need
help. That's not something that we practice. That's
not an attribute that I wanna possess.
But we gotta look at marriage for what
it is, and it's 2 people that are
invested in that relationship or it should be.
So does just one person's happiness
matter over the other person? Or do we
need to sit down and have a honest
conversation about
what makes a husband happy, what makes a
wife happy, and be real about it. And
not just go, well, I want 3 square
meals a day in a clean house and
this and that and my rights.
There's there's more to it because
one thing that I learned
through
the 20 plus years that I've been married
is you there's a limitate
limitation on density,
on this mental density,
where you're just gonna go, I'm gonna just
go this far and that's it. If it
goes beneath the surface, I'm done.
Just because a marriage is in crisis doesn't
mean a marriage is canceled. And we have
to understand
that you can it might not it's not
let me just do this little PSA real
quick.
When your husband enters into polygyny, if he
does,
things change and they're not gonna be like
they were before, and that doesn't mean they're
supposed to be. See, we think
change means it's getting away of what it's
supposed to be. The change comes and then
maybe that's what it's supposed to be. Mhmm.
Because you can't unring the bell.
So,
you know, you reach a point where you
go, but why am I trying to do
something undo something that is done?
Do you have the ability to do that?
No. You don't. It's like coach Niall was
saying, you can't control anybody. The whole parents
can't control.
So it's about
men men and women being grown people and
adults. And as an adult, we have to
come to the table with the courage to
bring up these discussions and talk about marriage,
although we might not like or agree with
the answer. That doesn't mean the answer is
wrong, though.
And we have to understand that.
So he did it.
That doesn't mean everything's figured out, though. Where
is the time in which there's polygyny
and then there's growth and learning for the
husband?
And I have people tell me, don't go
trash me and make
excuses for him. I'm doggone right at you.
Oh, great. Because it's called Islam.
Because I'm supposed to give excuses
to the other Muslim, especially when I don't
understand something. Don't just come up with your
own thing and go, okay. This is my
thing. This is how I feel it's going,
and this is what it is. Like, it's
facts.
You know? We have to be very, very
careful about our assumptions. We've all done it.
And that it's and half the time when
we get the when we have assumptions that
we don't get clarity,
this is what's creating an assumption because we're
too scared to get the clarity.
So we have to be very careful. So
if we wanna know about polygyny, when our
husbands wanna do it, we're thinking about it,
if they're in it. We didn't know if
they're in it, and we knew.
We gotta be able to ask the questions
and not be afraid of the answers because
you can't have it both ways.
We have ups and downs. We're coaches. We're
people first. Mhmm.
So we have ups and downs, and we're
not designed to stay happy all the time.
We all have challenges.
It's about being re re
responsive versus reactive, and we've talked about this
a lot. OPR talks about this a lot,
and we talk about minding your marriage a
lot because it's important.
We're not just sitting here saying this stuff
for decoration.
People always ask, well, how do you get
to hear it? How do you do it?
How do you do it? We're telling you
how it can be done and be successful.
It's about controlling
what you can and what you can't,
you can't.
Yep.
And and it and it took time. Okay.
See,
For those who don't know, I mean,
this is
we're
going to the chapter 12.
I mean, you know, I don't have to
get back. You know?
So it wasn't always,
you know, the
what you see in front of you. You
wanna say that? It wasn't always what you
see in front of you. Now my coworker,
we weren't off. We were always cordial. That
was that was
not an not an issue, not a thing,
not a question. That was easy part. You
know? That was the easiest thing that I've
ever done. You know?
So the thing is is that
but like my wife said before, what do
you want? What do you want it to
look like?
And the thing is and then another thing
you see us. Like, a lot of times,
even if you're watching our videos on YouTube,
you do see the 3 of us a
lot. You see, you know, you see us
and our husband or you see us individually.
But you think OPR, you
see 3. That's what you think. Unless you
see some of the
leaders that scribble on against
Yeah. It's like 12 b of them. You
know? So
it's not even about I mean, it's not
just about
us. It's not just about, you know, our
growth and everything like that. It's actually being
intentional
for saying what does that look like for
our future generations?
What is you know, what are we doing
in our marriage within our marriages
that are going into that you know, because
the children are watching.
They're watching. Like, you know, you believe. And
they're affected or infected
however we, you know, whatever we provide for
them. So if we're providing toxicity,
you know, they're gonna get affected by that.
If we're provide providing positivity,
if we and showing them that, you know,
even though there are challenges, you can grow
through those challenges,
you know, and you don't have to know
everything
right then and there. It's modern. You know
what I mean? What is one of the
good things that says it's okay to be
ignorant at first if it's your goal to
be intelligent over time.
So when it comes down to it, you
know, we're ignorant on a lot of things.
You know? You know, we keep the provisioning.
It's like, okay. How does how do you
do this? How does this work? Wait a
minute. Where are the rights? How do you
transition? You know? Should you transition? Should you
and your wife be friends? Should you not?
All these different things. We don't have the
practicals, you know, of, you know,
this is what it's supposed to look like.
These are the steps you should take. This
is how you build and
connect and, you know, build bonds between, you
know, your co wife or your bonus children,
you know, if you have them or, you
know, how you monitor marriage, how you don't
compare, how you
Those things weren't there. If they were, they
were hard to find. Let's just say that.
If they were there, they were hard to
find. So when it comes down to it,
you know, we had
to go through
the growth and the learning and the fighting
of this and searching for that and implementing
it in our lives
to the point where we said, okay.
This is where we grew from.
And then we're here with people. We came
out, I guess, and we would have said
that we're reluctant. You know?
Where you start people say,
how did you do this? You know? Or
you're doing this. But I remember it was
like this. How did this change?
So then it's like, okay.
Do we
just keep to ourselves and try to continue
to change our growth journey because we're always
growing if we want success?
Or do we say, you know what?
Let's help other people too. You know? At
least from where we are right now,
at least we can help them so their
learning curve is shortened.
If, you know, or that they're not going
through the bumps and bruises that we went
through to get to where we are today.
So, yeah, it's it's it's been a journey.
It's been an amazing journey, but it's only
that way when you see the growth Yeah.
When you are intentional with the growth and
you say, you know what? This is what
I'm gonna do. This is,
a wonderful comment she made a comment
before where she said, I don't have to
make the decision, you know, where I'm like,
this is what I want my life to
look like, and I'm not gonna stay in
my way anymore.
I did the same thing, and I still
do. There are times when I have to
to to give myself this positive self talk
coaching. I don't have to come out on
me sometimes. I'm just regular than I look
on a number of times where it's like,
okay.
Why do you feel this way? Why are
you thinking this way?
You know,
why do you, you know, just,
you know, tinge come through, you know, and
everything. Like, okay, girl. You need to get
over this or you need to work through
this. You need to it's like it doesn't
stop.
What you doing? It doesn't stop. Like, we're
human. So we have our good days and
our crazy days and our bad moments and
these different things like that where we are
not at our best
at all times.
Sheituan is you don't get time.
So so we always see this in front
of you.
And, of course, even my excuse me. Excuse
me. It's still great. It's still beautiful because
it's that growth that's there. And once you
stretch and grow, you can't go back to
where you were. It's like it's once that
rubber band stretches and everyone, it doesn't go
back to where it used to be.
So we know how to go through challenges.
We know how to
but it did take, you know,
not me. It did take trial and error.
It did take easy. You know,
when we say
courageous communication,
you know, in order to do that. Oh,
yeah. Definitely. And it
sometimes it's good to just have a slow,
consistent drip
versus just letting the flood gates open because
sometimes people are just not ready for what's
gonna come out of your mouth. It would
be you know, when you're an initial wife,
when you're a subsequent wife, when there's 3,
4 wives,
You know, you have to when we say,
oh, you gotta meet people where they are.
Yeah. You do. Yeah. You do. Everybody's not
ready for you to just dump everything in
their lap and say, now you deal with
it. This is my story. Yours doesn't matter.
You shut up. Here's what happened to me.
You know? And
lending an ear and listening
and finding out your personality type
is beneficial. And if you don't know that,
go to mb
or supreme personality types.com,
I believe it is,
and find out what that is because it
can show your answer this is not
sorcery crystal balls or any of that stuff.
Fortune tells you. Answering a series of questions
based on how you feel, think, whatever the
case may be. So and it will,
tally it up for you and tell you
what your personality type is. It's important
to bring it up because sometimes when you
learn what someone else's personality type is, then
you see
how do they handle conflict resolution. How do
they handle stress? Are they misunderstood
oftentimes? And you'll hear them say something, and
they'll read something else, and people will take
it as a shot, and it's not that.
But to learn that personality
type will help you understand them more, and
it'll make it easier.
So sometimes when we want it to be
easier,
we're not the one to help aid that.
We we don't wanna help make it easier.
I could, but I don't want to. And
that's just ego.
You know? And we have to learn how
to get rid of the ego. And being
from the west,
especially, you get indoctrinated with so much about
possessiveness.
It's okay to be possessive, but on the
right things.
Is that what they did? Because we don't
you know, we wanna be so plain and
so nice to one another, and we should
be
until we shouldn't.
And in the case of men marrying more
than one wife, we gotta understand the minds
of men.
Part of understanding the mind of a man
is
need to
You know? I don't understand. One one of
my points ago, I need to find out
why they're this way.
Why are the men this way?
Like, somebody could draw you a picture
and everything else, and that thing will look
like a chemistry set. And you're still going,
why, though? I wouldn't know why. And we're
just not in them. We're
not men, and men aren't women.
So it has its limitations
to understand why they feel and think the
way that they do it.
You know?
And and you could sit there and look
at your husband and say, okay. Why don't
you stop thinking like a man? Stop it
now.
Just kinda.
The same way they could tell us to
stop thinking like a woman. I want you
think like a man. I'm like, no. I
don't know how to do that, but he's
supposed to know you're supposed to know the
inner workings of his mind and desires and
the goals that he has and the drive
that he has. I got drive. I have
ambition,
but it's in a different way.
You know? But when we start digging too
deep and trying to go too far with
it,
we need to stop and say, this is
how Allah
built
this person to be this specific lane and
quit trying to change that. Because if the
brother says, I wanna practice polygyny,
and he will go, no. I don't want
you to, or I'm out if you do,
or whatever it is. Whatever the case may
be. I'm not trying to diminish anybody's marriage
contract. However, what I will say is this,
if the brother wants to to practice polygyny
and go, no. No. No. No. No. Or
I'm out. I'm out. I'm going on. I'm
taking the kids and all these threats, which
oftentimes
can be very empty and shouldn't be there
anyway.
But
even if he doesn't do it because he
just wants you to just get somewhere and
quiet down or stop threatening him, that doesn't
mean you
extracted it out of his head, and he
ceases to wanna do it anymore.
What happens is
there's this resentment that can build over time.
And then we go, I don't know why
he's not close to me
like he was before. But if the brother's
saying, this is what I see for my
life, and you're saying no,
you don't get to have that because I'm
in control of your life and I'm in
control of what you get to do and
think about and what your vision is.
You don't have to always see his vision.
You don't always have to agree with it,
but you don't have the right to rob
him of it.
And we don't wanna talk about these things
because they're ugly to talk about.
It's not fun to talk about, but I'm
hurting.
We we've so engulfed in our own, Lawrence,
a tirade, but I have to.
We're so
engulfed in our own pain
that not for a split second do we
think
maybe our husbands are in pain or they're
afraid or they're just just
crippled with fear that the I'm gonna leave.
I'm gonna take the kids.
I don't want you no more.
I'm not happy with you.
I'm ungrateful. Whatever the case may be, if
a man is not sitting there in front
of you saying, I'm afraid to fail, or
I'm scared to marry again because you might
leave me or give me a threat or
say I was a bad man or abusive
to you because, see, that happens too.
I'm not I'm a say he's abusive because
he wants to do religion, but I ain't
gonna tell anybody else that because then I'll
look good when I leave.
I'm telling you now, a man that enters
in polygyny
and everything is not set how he wants
it to be,
and everything's not smooth like he thought it
would be,
He was hopeful.
But if if he doesn't have any hope,
he's afraid.
And we need to be okay in hearing,
look. I don't have it figured out yet.
I'm still learning. I'm still new to this.
And let us be okay
with the fact that they're still learning, not
the, well, you did it. You better figure
it out. That's your problem, not mine.
Because it's not affecting us directly. You don't
think it is. It's affecting you directly when
your husband is stressed out. And if he
fall over and have a heart attack or
whatever, that's Allah's that's the if
he does.
He won't leave a moment before he's supposed
to, but you're just making it easy on
him. But
complain, complain, complain, complain, complain. No. No. No.
No. I'm not trying to be anybody's lover.
I'm not. I'm trying to be a wife.
And part of being a wife is being
a friend, and we better understand that because
we're not gonna understand everything that goes to
the mind of a man, and why should
you want to.
That's it.
Alright, y'all. Goodbye.
If y'all still with me
Yes.
These are goals.
No. It's just not. Like,
I mean, see, the interesting thing is this.
When it comes to polygyny,
we keep fake every excuse in the book
to
bash it. You know? We can say,
it's not easy. It's not direct. It's just,
you know, it's challenging.
It's gonna cause a lot of changes and,
you know, these type of things.
But what
in our journey of life does not you
know what I mean? I'm saying. Right?
If you Okay.
You went to school and you went to
another grade, that's probably
challenging
was challenging for you,
but still did it and you couldn't and
kept going.
If you have kids, you went through a
rough pregnancy
or maybe not a pregnancy. I'm just saying
you don't have to be rough, but I'm
saying a rough Christmas kicking at you and
moving it. Can't sleep all that or something
like that.
So I'm going to the outside with things
like that and then the birth and the
race and the church. These different things.
Yeah.
But we'll look and we say,
well, that's just life.
That's just life. That's just you know? I'm
gonna go through this. I'm a learn it.
I'm a go through it.
But when it comes to
your husband says, you know what? I wanna
practice
religion.
Another form of marriage
that's Right. That's been around 3 days is
long. A long time. Long time.
And wants to do something moral,
Let's see. A lot of times, like, okay.
How is this benefiting you?
If it doesn't if I don't get not
that if it doesn't,
it's so many way to be done a
number of deals. It's all about.
But if we don't see it, I don't
see how his scenario is. So
yeah. You know?
That's awesome. So there's this issue, you know,
these type of things.
So,
you know, we understand.
We understand. We're I mean, all of us,
we understand that challenges happen in life. We
understand that, you know, you go through
pain and grow through it and you learn
through the process, and then when you come
out better on the other side, people say,
well, does it kill you to make you
stronger? And when you stretch it, it's all
these different segments. But does it kill me
better run?
But it's really, you know, it's a a
really interesting thing that
we can give, quote, unquote, I guess, excuses
to every other thing
in
life, but
a form of marriage that's actually
allowed only because in our mind or sometimes
in our minds that we feel that
if I don't see the benefit in it
for me, it's the
amazing radio station that we love to listen
to.
What is it?
W I I f m?
That's in it for me. So, you know,
I'm gonna work in it for me. So,
if this if I don't feel it,
I'm not.
Right. And I'm gonna ask you something really
quick. How much time do you have to
be happy with your husband?
I want someone to add answer how long
you're gonna be married, how long is he
gonna live, how long are you gonna live,
how long do you have to do work.
Because if you can answer that for me,
you've built up different, and we know we
all can we can't answer that.
So you don't have the thing is we
think we possess time without saying we think
that.
So we think we got all this time
to change, and he has all this time
to learn, and we got all this time
with our husband, and we got all this
time to be mad and drag him
for however long we want to without thinking
about
the end of our existence,
without thinking about debt. Because we won't care
about none of this stuff, and we have
to understand that we don't have time.
We don't have all this time, and we
don't have the privilege
to sit up and not
do our personal development work. And part of
being a polygyny is is self awareness.
So let's get into some of the the
the really
difficult conversations,
especially for,
it could be and I don't want people
to say, well, this is an initial life
thing. No. It's not.
Am I lacking in any area? Is this
why you got married again?
So you don't take one person
and then try to make yourself feel better
about the other person that you were in
a marriage with prior to. So one marriage
doesn't fix the other.
So some people think, oh, well, he divorced
this one so that he can bring this
one in to fix this first marriage or
the the second or the third marriage in
our in our in our case, being practicing
Muslims.
That's not how that works. And then your
husband, once he marries again, does it dump
all the love for you out of his
heart?
Because that's when we think, oh, you don't
love me.
Well, quit loving me. Bam. Done. Nailed it.
Say no more. It doesn't work like that
because
we gotta remember to not dehumanize our husbands
when they marry again or when they make
a mistake, not even just polygyny. When they
just make a regular mistake. I don't care
if it's money. I don't care if it's
something with the kids. I don't care if
he forgot to pick you up at whatever
time and then he gets dragged
forward for a few days.
He's gonna make mistakes.
So and we just don't operate that way.
We always say it at OPR. If you
have one baby and you have another baby
that you love for that first baby come
out of your heart because here's a new
baby.
And then any of you that say, yes,
need to go somewhere and really
get intensive therapy
because that's not how that works, and we
all know that. But because it's political made
me think of those ideas. And then
because it's
trying to get in here. See?
Trying to get in the successful. Why is
this conference? Right? Because it's polygamy.
We we then we go, oh, he that's
it. He doesn't love me. But the baby
thing, example was cute facts, but but, you
know, I know he doesn't love me anymore.
He and then the most of the time,
the man ain't even said that to you.
That's something that you've come up with all
on your own because it's assumption because there's
gotta be a harsh reason why this happened.
It's gotta be.
He must hate me now. You know? And
in my case, it's just like,
I gotta ask somebody you say
you don't wanna know how sick I am
right now. I'm sick of you being in
my face asking me I'm sick child. Back
up. I mean, it was just this constant,
do you have cancer? Actually, actually,
But I have cancer, and I'm like, why?
I gotta be sick. Why? I gotta be
better than cancer. Why would it be, oh,
why are we too young? I got too
many kids. It was so many things because
people had to come up with a reason
why.
There somebody asked me, why now? Why did
he do this now?
I said a man over, you know, 30.
When you want him to do it. You
let me know when you want him to
do it. You want him to wait till,
I don't know, 65, maybe?
I don't know. What do you think? They
couldn't say nothing because you sound dumb.
You just you just sound stupid asking me
that. You know? And this is it. There's
so many
check it could be so many challenges when
it comes to putting. I think that's that's
a big year too.
And
there's so many challenges
that could come with religion.
And
we actually help with that too.
I mean, not just with our videos and
this beautiful wonderful conference right now.
We actually have a free gift for you
guys. Of course, I guess it's a gift
for free. Right?
So yeah.
We got a diary
of 3 ways to win a collision,
and you can get that at outstanding personal
relationships.com/number3ways.
And it actually helps with some of the
challenges
that, you know, we get, you know, that
people,
think about. Yeah.
Where Thanks.
Where it goes into
things that we may have, the questions that
we may have as far as, you know,
why. You know? Like, sometimes you like you
said, you have people coming to you where
people are like, well, is it this? Is
it that? Sometimes we have that in our
own you know,
we have that ourselves where it's like, well,
am I lacking something?
Am I you know, like, coach Alex was
saying earlier, it's like like, you know, people
ask these questions. Do you not love me,
though? Does he not love me anymore?
So, of course, we talk about that, and
I probably went really fast where I'm I
said where you can get your gift from,
the download.
It's
outstanding personal relationships.com,
our website,
slash three ways, the number three ways.
And like I stated, we talk about we
talk about emotional intelligence.
And, yes, we're putting it out there so
emotion
emotional intelligence.
And it's like, okay. Yeah. That sounds all
fine. Damn. But,
you know, what does that even mean? Because
I feel like I'm pretty emotionally intelligent. You
know? I feel like I can handle my
emotions.
You know? But then
we think about how we handle certain things.
We're like, oh, man. I can handle a
whole lot better than that. Mhmm. And sometimes
they're, well, how do I even handle it?
And how do you even know that we
are lacking
a little bit in our emotional intelligence,
you know, in our journey or growth or
whatever emotional intelligence growth.
When you think about
kids or think about our life, now you
just kids. Just think about life. The babies
and then we're,
you know, we're you know, we got the
infants and then the toddlers and the preschoolers.
We got different stages. Right?
So there are a lot of times when
we may find ourselves in a toddler state
when it comes to our emotions.
You know?
I used to
teach at a daycare years years ago,
and I taught toddlers.
They were, like, 18 months when I taught
toddlers. And
we had this thing on the board called
the Tyler Creed.
And it was like, if I want it
as mine, If you had it first, it's
mine. I take it as mine.
If I don't want you to have it,
it's mine.
All this stuff is like, it's mine. Mine.
Mine. Mine. Mine.
But if I break
it and I want you to have it,
it's yours,
you know, type of thing. So it's like,
if something's wrong with it, there's some
you know, whatever it is, then you can
have it if you want to. If I
not even if if you want to, if
I want you to have it. So I
don't care if it's bringing unless I give
it to you, you can't have it. That's
everything. And I'm like, are we behaving like
that? And I'm like, are we being toddlers?
Are we preschoolers where we're saying, okay. Well,
learn to share. Yeah. You know, words have
power. Learn to use your words. You know,
these type of things like that. Not putting
anybody out because
I'm this was something that it took me
decades
to
to learn
being a person who's
you can get very emotional. It's called a
crybaby.
You know? And people are like, oh, well,
I make you cry. All these different things
that was put in my lap of how
I can handle things.
I had to learn. You know? I had
to learn and still and I'm still learning.
But like, as I said, you talked about
the, like, personality type. And I learned that,
you know, just so much easier to understand.
We can learn more and learn in a
way that was that works for me. So,
yeah, those you know, those things that had,
like, coach Joshua said,
it's not always
it's not a first wife thing. You know?
People say No. If we say certain things,
they think that automatically we're talking about first
wife or automatically talking about initial wife. It's
like, that's the mental. It's like, that's the
bias. That's not the way it is. Because
that's the victim. People tell themselves that the
initial wife was always a victim and skipped
everybody else behind it. It's that thing. Like,
you don't have a voice that's a subsequent
I don't care if it's 2, 3, 4.
You don't have 1. Or you don't get
or you don't have or you don't have
this fear that you may lack on something.
Even as a. I was like, okay. Well,
why am I Yeah. That's what I'm saying
too. You know, why me? You think. And
then it's like, okay. Well, you have this
wonderful, why am I here?
Or the point of, okay. Well,
what if the kids don't like me?
Or how do I bond with the kids?
Or, you know, can I say certain things
that bother me if they did something that
could cause some issues without, you know Go
back? You know? Exactly. So it's all these
different things that is not just,
you know,
you know, the feelings even though people say,
well, okay. Well, you're saying this stuff, so,
you know, you're talking about initial lines. Are
we talking about initial lines?
Which is true. All the feelings are the
feelings are valid because the feelings aren't yours.
However,
how are we
handling these feelings? How are we handling
these challenges?
Yeah. And I said, I'm a say it
again. You could go get some answers to,
you know, in your report, you know, your
report, your download,
the 3 ways to to run-in. I can't
speak to that. Me.
Info that you need.
You know, at outstanding personal relationships.com/thenumber3.
So
yeah. And you know what? Let's also talk
about,
the emotional manipulation
and making the husband the bad guy.
Because, see, in order to have a victim,
you gotta have a bad guy.
You can't have a victim without a bad
guy. And a lot of the times, that's
the husband. Majority of the time, it's the
husband, and then it'll start branching off with
the wives, and then it might go down
to your baby's bonus babies.
And it's a big old hot mess.
One thing,
that I know, and I've said this before,
that if families are messed up, it's because
the people in them messed them up, and
it's not something that happened overnight.
And it's not our job,
you know, like the old folks used to
to say,
if there's a pot that you know want
on the stove to boil, it's not your
job to stir it. So we have to
be very careful about
making our husbands the villain
because
we see ourselves making him the villain.
Our children see us making him the villain.
Our families see us making him the villain.
I remember,
I'll give you an example. I had a
horrible day just because I don't know. It's
because I woke up. I don't know what
it was,
but it was trash from start to finish.
And then somebody topped it off with asking
me, And I'm like, she can last. Here
we go. And I was in a line
at a store, and she this lady was
a clerk, and I used to know her
from network marketing.
I'm like, she gonna ask because she looked
like she wanna ask me something, but she
better be ready for what's gonna come up
out of my mouth.
So she wasn't,
and
for me.
But she asked me was I divorced, and
I thought that was a kind of peculiar
question, but I know why she asked me.
And I said, no. I'm not divorced.
And she was like, well, how are you
doing? You know, with the
her neck broke on me y'all.
I'm like, I'm
happy.
And it's just like time stops.
Because she's almost like, happy.
Okay.
How are you? Are you happy?
Because most people don't say they're happy.
The day was trash.
I said,
it was horrible.
But in that moment, I said, is it
my job to sit here and give her
a laundry list of the day I had
or give her the overall statement of what
my life is
and what I'm grateful for in it. And
I'm like, I gotta be grateful
for where I am because
I would you know, I could be dealing
with so much more,
and I could be dealing with so much
drama, and I'm not. I just had a
bad day. But it really wasn't anyone's fault.
It was just one of them days where,
you know, the tire's flat and then the
stuff burned in the stove and the kids
is on the nerves and it's raining. I'm
in the snow, and here come this fool
talking about people.
Because she the thing is she knew that
coach that they are married again, and she
just wanted to ask me, was I divorced
because of it?
Not how are you all doing.
Who is that comedian Don Rickles? For those
of you that don't know who it is,
dooley.
It's an insult comedian, but
he prided he he had prided himself on
answering a question in a specific
fashion.
Anytime
anyone asked him how he was doing, he
said, we are fine.
He's talking about his wife and his daughter.
He never said, I'm fine.
He said, because people are looking for me
to say, oh, I'm fine. You know? I'm
great because he's a great comedian.
He was like, no. Because these people matter
too.
So even if my family might be sick
or whatever the case may be, I'm gonna
say we're doing really good. Thank you for
asking.
We are.
You know? Because people need to hear me
say it, of course, because
okay.
And I shall remain the victim always. No,
ma'am.
Not me.
I think another thing too, and coach and
I don't know, is this
People saying that the husband is absolutely inconsiderate
because he considered polygyny or he's in polygyny.
He's just he don't care about you. He
has no feeling. He has no self awareness.
But, like, I don't know what people think.
I don't know I don't know what people
think when men get married again. Do they
think that the man does not think about
his wife and his children?
Like, how can you cut it off
mentally? How can you cut off
people that you loved for decades
and created
and go, I don't give a damn about
any of y'all.
I'm gonna marry her and forget this over
here. And they'll say, well, men compartmentalize,
so that's how they can just ignore your
complete existence.
They do to a certain degree.
So stop acting like men just say, I
don't care about what's once was.
I care about this new toy over here.
Like, he's some dog
that just got some you know, one of
these little lap dogs that you just oh,
new toy. Forget the other toys. We're people.
They're people.
So to say, well, he isn't he's considering
a lot more than you give him credit
for because you just don't marry somebody else
and you're married
to already have a wife
and then go, I don't give a damn
about this woman at all. Let her just
roll in whatever it is that I do,
and I'm a go over here and play
with this new thing.
Like, I I have to think about, are
we talking about Muslim men doing this?
That matters because we whatever we tell ourselves
about our spouses is what we're gonna lead
with. So if we say our husbands are
trash,
he gonna be trash in your mind
always.
If we say he's a good man that's
trying, he's gonna be a good man that's
trying in your your heart and your mind
always.
If we say our our co wife's a
home record, she's gonna always be one because
that's what you keep saying.
So when you start putting better stuff in
your heart and in your mind,
better things will happen. So I never went,
I don't know, child. It ain't who you
were married anyway. And she really ain't white
because I am
if somebody said then mind you, these are
the years that I'm not speaking
barely to anyone.
And people coming up to me, what did
you get married again? But she's not as
white, though.
Says who?
Because I say she is, and my culture
says she is. Said no. She said the
wife.
Because they had me messed all the way
up if they thought I was gonna say
something else. And Muslim sister to Muslim sister
need to quit this crap
of saying, well, that's his baby mama.
They're not legally married. They are lawfully married.
And we need to get in touch with
terminology,
spelling,
reading comprehension
if we don't understand
the difference between those two words.
Just because
a room full of men that aren't Muslim
decided that this is what marriage is supposed
to look like, and it should deviate from
that. We forget our Islam.
Is that what we're doing?
What's what's up with that?
Because polygyny predates Islam.
So we need to learn our history, we
need to learn what Islam truly says about
marriage and polygyny.
And quit acting like it's something that it's
not.
When you act like your husband's cheated on
you, you'll always look at him as a
cheater,
and your marriage is gonna fail. I promise
you that.
Yeah.
I'm still with, I guess, a lot of
emotional pain Mhmm.
That comes
you know, that
it's interesting because a lot of pain emotional
pain that comes with it.
And it doesn't really have to come with
it.
So, you know and I that's just me
thinking, and I I you know,
we tend to do that. We tend to
if we are really trying to understand
something,
as long as we sit and say,
does it really does it really have to
be that way?
So we have, a number of things like
okay. Yes.
You see my coworker and I, we do
lives together.
We do. We, you know, we
we shot together. Yeah. We've done Many times.
Numbers.
I was I stated earlier, you know, in
the stream that
it wasn't always like that, but we were
always
forging. And we've always kept it real about
that. Yeah.
And the thing is what we do hear,
and people ask us,
do
to
do I have to? Do I
have to like my? Do I what if
I don't wanna even meet her? What if
I don't want to do have anything to
do with her?
And that's seriously, it's Rosie. Once again, what
I say I just stated.
I said, what if I come back?
But
in our minds, if we're biased,
we will say, that's the first wife thing.
We're talking about first wife. That's the regardless
of what order you came in, white thing.
Yeah. You have something to say, you know
what? I just we got married. I just
wanna
I don't need my leader. I just you
know? You have personalized to do the same
thing. Mhmm.
However,
why?
Why? Is there any
any other thing in your life, any place,
anybody
where
if you saw them in the mall or
you walk down the street
or you were in class together, whether you're
you were younger or whether you're in college
or whatever the case may be, you say,
you know what?
I'm not gonna get to know that person
just because we're in the same class. I'm
not gonna get to know that person because
she was looking I have the same shirt.
I was like, alright. I'm not gonna you
hear how that kind of can hear. How
that kind of sound. So Yeah. So my
thing is, does that
stop?
Or or is that just is it automatic
you gotta be swearing at me and don't
like each other
because we're married to the same man. Now
she's part of my family.
Oh, wait. Hold on.
She's part of my family. We're part of
the same family.
No. See, we don't wanna look at that,
though. Sometimes we don't wanna look at we're
part of the same family. It's like, she
married my husband.
So I don't wanna get to know her.
I don't know this, you know, type of
thing.
But when we start
changing that narrative,
as was said,
from something negative to something positive,
then our heart softens
to learn
about another person,
to see how,
you know, this person
operates and the benefits that you both can
have to each other and how you can
have to the whole entire
success
of the family.
Yeah. So, you know, that's the thing is
the the the narrative we put on things,
or the
the,
book
that we put
on things
Mhmm. That can cause us to that can
make or break the relationship.
You know, that could cause it to be
a massive
success
or
physical just whatever the word A failure.
Abysmal failure.
So those type of things.
And then it gets as coach said,
then it just trickles down to the children.
Yeah. So it's like, okay.
Am I
with your relationship with my coworker?
You know?
I sat and my sabotage and that's you
know, that could also come from
a incoming wife who
who has children already
or
who had who don't have children already, the
husband and they have children. She has children
with the husband. It's like, okay. Well, these
children are over here, and these children are
over there.
I was denied at the fall. And then
what?
So
we are we looking at the bigger picture?
Are we looking at legacy building? Are we
or can we not see past our notes?
We do something because it's
the thing is is that,
one of the reasons why I made a
conscious decision
to say,
that
I needed to talk to coach Nylund is
because I wanted my sons and my daughters
to say, okay. Especially my sons because they
were so much they're so much younger,
than my daughters.
What do I want them to see growing
up? Dysfunction,
or do I want them to see a
really healthy family? And I do I want
them to not feel as though society's gonna
dictate their raising
to them because I'm not willing to participate
in it?
So it it's a conscious effort
to raise
well rounded children and best our ability. This
is what we're supposed to do. This is
the sunnah.
So when we run from it, am I
really
fulfilling my parental obligation
to them by blocking their access
to their brothers or their sisters. Because there's
so much
the wives would get upset with each other,
and the kids don't get to see each
other. Mhmm. In my world,
the brother gotta step in there and say
the husband,
he's gotta step in there and say, these
children are siblings, and they need to be
seeing each other and having a bond and
not because you 2 can't get along. What
in the world
does that have to do with these kids?
Nothing.
And I don't treat their
children
a certain kind of a way because I
dislike them. And they've given me reason because,
honey, if I don't like you, you gave
me a good old reason why.
I don't like you. I generally like to
talk to people or connect with people and
make people laugh. But, honey,
what I feel is, oh, something went wrong
or it's blatant,
like a really gross behavior.
I'm done. But I'm not gonna treat somebody's
children
in a bad way because
of the the the parents.
You know? So when we sit here and
we go, okay. The wife is trash.
I don't like her. I don't wanna talk
to her and forget the kids, and then
your kids don't get to connect with their
siblings, you gotta think about your character when
you wanna do something like that.
Because I've seen so many sisters just
resist the the sibling connection because because they
don't get along.
You know, we wanna really guard against that.
And then, you know,
what
I don't like having to go there, but
I'm a go there. There's so many brothers
that are trying to pick
wives like daisies.
I'll take this one.
I'll take that one. And it's a predatory
thing.
So we know that sisters are out there
being abused and being misused and mistreated
and brothers,
you know,
stalking their DMs and in their IG and
all types of things. Where could I get
me 2 for 1 wife? And how can
I be in polygyny? I need my 2
wives to come. I need my 4 wives
to come.
What are you doing to get that done?
Are you being more what's happening?
Are you attractive enough?
Are you the man for the job? Because
part of being a polygyny is having like
I was saying before, having self awareness and
being able
to evaluate yourself without bias.
And I don't see a ton of that
happening.
Playing with time,
sister's looking for her husband, trying to figure
out where he's at, and seeing him in
a few days.
I had a sister ask me, have you
seen my husband at the vesture?
I'm looking I'm lying looking for him.
What you mean? Have I seen him? Is
he missing?
And she's like, I just ain't seen him
in a week. I I can't.
I don't know what to do.
Well, I didn't get married to not see
my spouse.
That's one thing. I said, you need to
have a hard conversation
because you're in the same city.
Down the the houses are all close.
I don't know. I've I've not dealt with
that, but I will tell you that's a
problem.
And it's something that can't continue,
but it's this you know, there's brothers that
play with the time, that play with the
money, that play with the the women,
disappear, and don't do what they're supposed to
be doing.
The kids don't see them. Bonus kids don't
see them.
They don't care about the bonus kids. They
only care about their own kids through biology.
I mean, there's so many different things, and
that's that's another area that we have to
talk about, is the abuses that are going
on and all these atrocities that are going
on within the public community.
I coached one of my very first clients.
She
another sister was like, we need to talk
to Fatima because of the and I went
a woman that had a special needs child
in a wheelchair
and boxes in the middle of her house.
Her husband had went and left on a
plane overseas and married a a a girl.
She said, I had to find out about
it on Facebook.
We don't have nowhere to go.
I don't know what to do. I didn't
know he was leaving. I didn't know this.
I didn't know that. I don't know if
I'm being married. I don't know.
And I'm like, boxes in the middle of
an empty house on the floor, and you
have a child in a wheelchair.
And she's trying to figure out, does he
care about her?
I
think he made it put pretty clear
and painfully obvious that he didn't. They got
divorced,
you know,
but it took her a while
to accept the fact that she had been
abandoned.
And because the community and the leadership in
the community did not talk about it
and did not help her,
She just was there on the floor with
a baby. And then other people that were
not leadership in the community but the true
leaders
had to step in and help.
And she was like, I had to find
out on Facebook, and I can't believe it,
and this, that, and the third.
So we we wanna talk about those
things too. Of course, everything is not, you
know,
she's not gonna give perfection, so stop looking
for it. That's number 1. But we we
need to talk about there is some abuses,
and there's some brothers that are are predators.
Yeah. You know? I just wanna collect women.
We collect wives and dump them and get
a new one and just keep that
that that machine of dysfunction going.
It's crazy.
And we we actually been doing
even for those because I know everybody
who are watching,
they're not Muslim. But for the Muslims, you
do
especially if you're, like, a convert or a
revert or Yeah. You know,
learn your deen.
You know? Learn learn your.
You know? Be you know,
learn it at least a year, you know,
a year and, you know, going on to
whatever case you'd be when it kinda before,
you know, you seek out marriage because you
do have Addiction.
You have it all around the board. It
doesn't matter. You have you know, my opinion
is that people are people are people. People
are gonna be people.
Yeah. So, you know,
you would
expect
more and expect higher. However, you do have
those instances.
You know. And
we,
as women, still have
to educate ourselves.
We still have to,
you know, still
think about having
winners on our winning team. You know?
What are we actually looking for,
you know, in a husband? You know, are
we looking for a leader? You know? We're
looking for that person that can protect and
provide and, you know,
exude personal power, you know, and that can
just show that.
That can demonstrate that.
You know? That's working on we're better at
those things.
You know? Or it's just, okay. Well, he
looks nice or I need to get married
right now or these type of things like
that. We have to be careful
with what we are
putting out there within ourselves
as well as, you know, being that attractive
of person. I mean, I'm not saying showing
this thing on all this other stuff. I
mean, you're an attractive person
where you are feminine. You know? You're kind.
You are, you know, modest. You are,
you know, you still are working on yourself
because
when you get married, it's not just, okay.
I get married. You know? I sit back,
be bonboncing, just take care of everything.
You know? It's where
you guys are working together to build
to build your marriage, to build a legacy,
to build these things.
So are you
preparing yourself
for that as well?
You know? So, yeah, they're out there.
But we we we aren't the damsel into
stresses that need to be saved, but
companionship
is a beautiful thing.
Legacy building moral,
you know, being moral
and wanna build this legacy going. It's not
just about us.
You know, what do we want that stuff
to look like? What do we want to
look like? So just being really aware, being
self aware,
being careful, and knowing,
you know, the bigger picture that we want,
you know, for our our marriages.
You know? I think that's very important.
I think also is
one of the beautiful things
is
seeing a brother that has a solid relationship
with a loved one. Mhmm. Indeed. That's one
of the most attractive that is the most
attractive thing that a man can possess.
A Muslim man can possess
is a solid relationship with Allah because if
he cares about that relationship
with his boy, he's gonna care
about the relationship with his wife or his
wife's
children.
Mhmm. Right? Because he's gonna care about what
my mom wants him to do.
The best thing he could say to you
is I gotta care about what the law
wants me to do. I can't just do
what you want.
And I gotta care about what he says
I can do,
you know, or or practice
versus
us putting these
shackles on him saying, you know, you can
do all these things that a law said
you can do. It's just that.
That's an admirable.
It's just that it's Adam. It's cute. We
can't rob him of the right to practice
polygyny because his lord says he can. Now
that doesn't mean you just go all off.
Do how you want to. There's there's rules
in place.
And Allah has perfection
and has our
soul,
we don't have to make it harder than
it needs to be.
We're adding so much to this
and making it more complex and more
difficult than it needs to be. But
part of leadership and our husbands being good
leaders or being attractive men is that they
care about that relationship
with their Lord, and they care about the
relationship that they have with themselves. A lot
of times, they don't think men deserve to
be happy or need rest or need a
break or
need time to themselves. They don't need self
care. How are they supposed to hold all
this stuff together if they can't do anything
for themselves?
Well, we can have a self care day
moment, vacation,
or whatever the case may be.
You know? So it's very important to understand
that part of leadership and part of a
man being attractive and being more is that
relationship with a law and and letting it
be solid and letting and being a support
for that to happen and not making it
difficult or standing in the way of the
success
of the role of leadership.
You know? You want you want your husband
to win? Ask yourself that. You want him
to win
at marriage and religion? Because a lot of
people will say no.
They're gonna say, no. I wanna win in
my marriage, but not in addition and not
in another marriage additional marriage. No. No.
Yeah. But what if he wants to run-in
both?
Are you gonna make it difficult for him?
Are you gonna make it easier for him?
Not. You can't make it just easy and
take it away. You know? He's gotta go
through its own challenges, and he needs time
to learn
without being a helicopter wife.
K. No.
Today, we're gonna go ahead and ask, answer
questions. So if you have any questions, make
sure you put question marks
before and after. This makes it a lot
easier as we're going through the comments
to, get your answers,
first.
And, just a quick announcement, we are doing
a thriving in collegiemy
2022,
workshop tomorrow.
So super excited about that. Make sure you
go and get your free gift atoutstandingpersonalrelationship.com/3
ways, the number 3
ways, and you'll be signed up automatically. Maybe
register automatically
for that workshop. So, yes, Didi,
if you guys have any questions?
If you're on Zoom yes. If you have
any questions, if you're on Zoom, put the
question in the comment box. Same way.
Coach was saying with those question marks first,
then the question so we can see it
very easily, please.
If you're on Zoom, make sure you put
them in the q and a box. Yeah.
The q and a box. Boom. Bam.
Okay. We have a question. We have a
question.
You wanna read the question before we go?
Yeah. It was not
It's cool. That question right there again.
Alright.
It says, I was looking to be married
again as a second wife. However,
I found it really challenging that he only
called for a few minutes on his way
to work
now and then.
Okay. Now and then, he referred to text.
He seemed not to have any time window
between work and family. I respect both, but
it's it just looked like he couldn't or
wouldn't make actual time out for me. Was
I tripping?
I mean, you need You talked about this.
If he's not if if you find yourself
not having time with him, then you're not
having time with him.
You know? If a few minutes a day
is a few minutes a day, that's not
time.
You know? And that's why we're stressing up
the the points about
the rules that are in place about women,
their wives, and polygyny, and their time because
it matters
a great deal. There's a punishment attached to,
playing with time and wives and collegian.
So if you're only getting a few minutes
of your husband a day,
you're only getting a few minutes of your
husband a day, and I don't call that
time.
You know? So quality
time is
is not a couple minutes a day.
So,
you need to have what we call hard
conversation.
And,
you know, she's looking in the mirror?
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No. It's really
not a good look. And and you gotta
think about if a man is doing something
like that now, how is that gonna show
up in a marriage
later on? Mhmm. You know? Exactly. He's gonna
continue this long term? You know? Is that
what the marriage is gonna look like?
Yeah. Like, of course, I said it's, you
know, definitely thinking about that type of thing.
Of course,
a Muslim
marriage is is not this whole, you know,
oh, we're dating and this and that and
trying to see this and everything like that.
You know, you best best best best thing,
Have your wakila while we deal with that.
Mhmm. You know? Game recognize you know, we
can't recognize all games. So, you know, it's
it's
it's wise, and there's wisdom behind that. You
know, having a white kilo. I mean, those
who don't understand what that means is, you
know, your guardian. It's the male guardian that,
you know,
looks over oversees that and everything like that.
So,
you know, the MITRE you know, certain things
we can feel for the most part
Mhmm. How things may look. And I think,
you know, sometimes as incoming
wives, we feel we have to do a
lot of sacrifice,
you know, in order to be married because
society says that,
you know, you are the incoming wife. You
are the one that has to, like you
know, what are you bringing to the marriage?
What are you bringing to the table? And
it's like, not what are you bringing to
the marriage with your husband. It's like what
are you bringing to this new family or
this family as a person. So a lot
of this pressure,
you know, is on you to say, okay.
Well, I can do this, that, and that.
I can, you know, I can tap dance.
I can cook. I can, you know, I
mean, I can cook while I'm tap dance.
You know? So a lot of these different
things.
However, they didn't say, well, I'm gonna be
the smile.
I can't do it.
With the the piece of my love, you
know, like, you know, you can't have all
of me. You know? Whatever.
That's right. That's right. That's right. Sound like,
yes. Oh, that type of thing. Yeah. But
when you know, we have to be serious
as vibes. You know? You wanna be your
wife.
You have to be serious in
what you are, you know, doing and attracting
as a potential wife.
You know? So,
like, a lot of people talk about or,
you know, we've talked about talked about it
where, you know, you you you make the
the kitty cheat,
but you're not gonna be, you know, looked
at in this high regard or this high
standard of being a.
You know, you'll look you'll be looked at
as being a. You you looked at as
like, well, I'm gonna give you what I'm
gonna give you because you're not putting yourself
in, you know, a level where you say,
you know what?
This is what I want the marriage to
look like. So we're not doing all this,
you know, marriage stuff
until we're married.
You know? We're not, you know, just sneaking
around or just, you know, this time here,
and we're still in moments here and these
different things like that.
We are already setting ourselves up
for failure or to be, you know, trampled
on the run or whatever play you're gonna
play with you. By what we are doing
and what we are about. Yes. It could
be like, okay. Well, he's a good man.
Like, if he's that good of a man,
then he's gonna demonstrate
that knowledge with his wife. With his wife
now, you're gonna demonstrate that if he wants
to marry you as a wife and you
say, you know what? When we are you
know, we have it, we're gonna be married,
then this is what it's gonna look like.
That he's not good enough even that good
to say, you know what? This is a
person that's holding me accountable. I'm a do
this. It's not always be easy. I'm not
saying it's easy to say, but it's definitely,
you know, very,
important. You gotta teach people how to treat
you. Mhmm. You have to
you know, they're only gonna get away with
what you allow them to.
So, you know, you gotta be stern
and stand on
it and be consistent with that. There's more
questions.
So just last week, the man I was
looking to marry said his mom didn't
explicitly approve
of his being married to another woman.
Because she is rather ill, I am empathetic
and would not even consider him stressing her.
However, he has refused to be conclusive about
the plans we initially had.
I know I have switched off I have
switched off marriage plans, but I am so
vexed
that he has not deemed a fit to
be
categorical
categorical.
I can't speak to that.
That we are not happy. Thankfully, we are
not even in the same country.
Okay.
I'm trying to see if there's any
Yeah. Like a Is there a question in
there? Okay. I don't think there's a question.
I was trying to see.
How do we encourage women, the younger generation
especially,
to accept that we are not entitled to
seeing our husbands daily or our children seeing
their father daily due to the potential prospect
of religion in the future.
Here's the thing.
We don't try to
dictate to people what their college schedule should
be,
But in the in our case, in our
family, for example,
we see coach Nader every day, and our
children see him every single
day, every day. Now with outside of
travel and and things like that, but
and I like it because it's important,
especially in our family. We we've talked about
this. There's no cookie cutter
scheduling,
but
our children do understand
that they have access to their father every
single day. I don't care what house he's
in, where he's at,
and he'll come.
And we see him when we need to
see him. Everything is balanced out. We have
access to him whenever we need it. Now
that doesn't mean we blow up the phone
when he's at another house and it's not
ours and just be annoying.
We don't do that. We respect everybody's boundaries.
We know the rules. We know the schedule,
and that's important. So we we're married and
in a family where we want to see
our children to see their father every day,
and we wanna see him every every day
as well. But it's just different timing
than the normal. Here's the the interesting thing
too in addition to that.
We,
you have different professions where you're not seeing
people every day. Right. You know, so you
have a you have truck drivers, you know,
they can't see. However,
with technology,
when it comes to technology, you really
can make a schedule or make a time
to see. So you may not be physically
in the same place.
So I that type of thing where I
say, you know what? How do we get
them to understand or get them to say
that word? You're not gonna see
them every single day.
You
that that connection. You still connect. You still
connect. That's fair. So being able to say
because I think sometimes we're like, it's just
takeaway,
and then people don't like that. And that's
even with you gotta think about we still
have those feelings even as children when it's
like, okay. You you took away something from
me. You gotta give me something.
You gotta give me something.
So being able to say, okay. Well,
you may not be able to see me
physically every single day, or you may not
be able to see to see me on
the screen every single day because you have
people that are in the military. You have
to monitor her stuff. Right? Yeah.
But
you say, okay. Well, let's set a schedule
or let's do these things,
and that shows care. That shows concern. Those
the it shows the thing. So
being able to just have that conversation, the
open conversation Mhmm. Sometimes even the uncomfortable conversation.
Say, you know what?
It may not be it may or may
not be. So it's not set in stone,
but it may not be or it may
or may not be. However, if it was
this way, like, if I can see you
every day or if I can just then
we'll set out a schedule.
We'll set out a schedule that we may
speak this this time or we may, you
know, chat this time or we'll video chat
with yeah. Whatever the case may be, but
something where
it's
causing a connection.
You know? Sometimes when people that's a fear.
It's a fear of losing out. It's a
fear of losing the connection.
So
finding a way to keep the connection even
if you're not seeing them every day and
also making that an important
note you know, a note that is that's
very important to say, you know what? You
may not even need you don't need to
see each other every single day
in order to connect.
But when we do see each other and
when we do connect with each other, we
do bond. We need to keep that there.
You know? Just a quick example,
you talked about travel traveling. Mhmm. So, of
course, their travel was traveling. He was gone
for a while,
but he made the point to speak to
the kids on,
on he'd chat with the kids. He was
with the the
You know, those type of things.
It's about creating connection. So if you're gonna
take away something, it's you know, we have
to not put so much negative on it.
We're not gonna be able to do this
every day. What you're saying was put lead
in what you can Put the negative. Yeah.
Talk about what you can. Lead with what
you can do with
not we we can't talk to him.
Yeah. Because people say might not even say
that. So don't tell me that what I
can't do. Tell me how I can do
it.
With the can't. Just
like just like with,
being Muslim
and you raising your children, you don't leave
with the Haram, Haram. This is Haram.
You know? We always bed with the halal,
the thing. You know?
This is what we can do. This is
the fun we can. This is instead of
just making everything so rigid that they feel
like they can't move. You have to do
the same thing in polygyny. Don't make it
so rigid where the child feels like, now
we don't I'm gonna say this real quick
for clarification.
The children have access to their father all
the time, and we do too, but we
have different
timing
and things as wives.
So I don't I don't call him at
3 in the morning all the night where
he's not at at our home. I said,
what you doing?
I don't do that. But the children, if
someone's sick or in labor or something like
that, he comes. And whoever needs him more,
so I'm running around somewhere with half a
head, then I might need a little bit
more of him at the hospital than coach
Nava does at home. So we we're very
conscious of that, and we're not selfish
about having the same husband. Again,
it's emotional intelligence, and
he's our he's a father a 100% of
the time. He's our husband a 100%.
Another question.
I'm lost. Hold on. We're just figuring that
out.
How does your husband split his time with
the 3 of you? The 3 of you
Wife? Where's where's she going? No. No. I
got it.
You in here? This is
their wife.
Bag, y'all. We don't. Oh, I imagine you
say about his time and then the
There's 3 of us with him. Yeah.
So I just put his time.
I mean, the way he does it is,
you know, everybody going to do this in
24 hours. You know? It's just I mean,
it's 2 it's pretty you know? Easy.
To dawn or anything like that.
Especially when you're so close together. Like, we're
literally, like
you know, we're walking distance. We're neighbors.
So yes. And it makes it easier for
those of y'all that ask. We don't live
in the same home, but we live in
neighboring,
homes. Yes. So it works. It's it works
for us because it it's easier for the
husband
to go back and forth. It's easier for
our children
to be close as well.
Okay.
How can I remind my husband of my
rights?
The first one. How can an initial way
prepare yourself for polygyny
if and when my husband decides to marry
again?
Education, and you can do that through
visiting,
outstanding personal relationships
slash store for details on our coaching and
counseling. We all
offer and your husband could take,
counseling sessions with coach
Beer,
or coaching sessions with coach Nye Beer.
He has
we we all have amazing courses. There's things
on YouTube as well.
Please study the videos on YouTube, and I
always encourage people to, you know, take notes
on videos too.
And don't just watch
initial live videos or something kind of just
coach that day. Watch them all because you'll
learn something about initial wives,
cowwives,
husbands from different perspective. What's what's great about
OPR is we have 3
different perspectives, and that really, really helps when
you're in religion.
Absolutely
take advantage of those things.
How can I remind my husband of my
rights to be fairly given without giving up
on his right to marry
a third woman that he has been in
a relationship
with for 30?
Definitely have put on as soon as, you
know, Muslim
Wasn't that nice. The, you know, those are
the best the best reminders,
you know, because we have to answer. You
know, we have to answer for what we
do, you know, at the end of it.
And mind you guys, you know, we're going
through the because I'm going through these questions
and, of course, we're gonna be we're being
very mindful of time. So
we're not gonna get, you know, this
blanket. It's gonna be like, okay. Yeah. I
could take this answer and just rub it.
No. I don't.
That's that's what you definitely get. Yeah. You
definitely have to the coaching, the training, the,
you know, whatever it is as far as
personal development.
That is gonna be a journey
instead of a one size fits all type
of thing.
Do you ladies believe that because our religion
allows for poly,
women should expect it even if the man
they may be speaking with or are or
already married to
haven't haven't brought it up or say that
they are not interested?
Should they expect it
Even
if
you you definitely have the conversation.
However,
if he says he's not interested,
here's the thing. You have the conversation.
Have the conversation to allow
the floor to be open.
You know, allow him to know that you're
you're open to speaking about it and having
these conversations. But you have to
to show them that you're open,
you know, that you're not saying well you
know, the guy you're saying well, you know,
if you do this, then, you know, I
may wanna lead you in that type of
thing. Then that doesn't make you an open,
you know, where he's, you know, feeling comfortable
and He has a strategy to ask them
to open the Right.
So Yeah.
We don't wanna do that, but invite him
to talk to you and tell him that
it's okay to talk to you about it.
You don't just invite him and then, you
know, like they say, kill a fly with
a machine.
Oh, I yeah. You could talk to me,
but I'm shooting it down
immediately, and I'm not gonna listen to you.
Invite him. Make it a safe space. Make
sure you
listen,
to him when he's talking to you because
that's where the answers lie that you may
be looking for.
And ask questions. And if the brother don't
have the answers, he's allowed to not have
the answers because he has not been a
polygyny.
And even if he was, he is still
learning to in his time to do so.
And don't let it plague your relationship. Don't
let it plague your marriage if he states
that he's not or whatever you left at
your safe space. So just keep saying, okay.
Well, maybe one day he's gonna come. Maybe
one day. Because now you're not president of
the United being in the moment with growing
with your husband. Just know that period. You
know, you dim the the floor open and,
you know, can visit it from time to
time. You don't wanna be paranoid with it
and create the same time.
You know? Well, you don't. It's true. So
true.
It's fair to say that the average woman
expected. Religently, gracefully, should only expect to reward
in the hereafter. Their husband has some benefits
in this life, such as more wives and
children,
and he also has more burden of responsibility.
But from the initial wife's perspective especially,
I can't really say any gains.
You miss out from your husband's time and
money and exclusivity.
If you tell yourself certain things, you believe
So
we said it earlier on, and coach Nyla
was talking like, you're gonna share your husband.
I don't care what you need. You're gonna
share him with whoever is in his life.
I don't care.
Wives,
his children,
his friends, brothers at the at the the
mastiff animal or middlemen. You're gonna you're gonna
share him with this world because he doesn't
belong to
you. So he doesn't exclusively
belong to you, and I'm here to tell
you. And I've been at Nationwide
for a long time and nothing else.
So
I understand,
your concern.
However,
one thing about the beauty the most beautiful
thing about our husbands is that they belong
to their boy just like we do.
Because
somebody asked this interviewer, I think it was
Larry King, would you wanna live forever? He
was like,
well, yeah. And the person that asked the
question and, those of you who don't know
who he is, he he was a
legendary
interview
journalist or reporter or something like that. But
he interviewed a lot of celebrities and said,
well yeah. And the person that asked the
question said, well, I don't
because then you have to watch everybody that
you know and love pass on,
and you have to be left by yourself.
So he didn't think about that. He was
too busy thinking about this life and all
of a sudden.
And you're gonna be dead long or you're
gonna be alive. We said that. We know
it.
You know? And sometimes, we don't have a
warning
of when that's gonna happen.
So when we sit up and we say,
you know,
this life this life this life this life
has nothing to gain. Where do we get
our where are we getting
the good deeds from?
The testing ground that we're in right now,
which is this
life, so that it can carry off into
the next life.
And I've said this before. When we when
we start
saying our husband's our husband's our husband,
we gotta think about how much time we
take focusing on that man and not alone.
And when it becomes a situation where we're
where we are practicing
or committing churn.
Because our focus is there, and a deep
passionate love is for the husband, and then
we have nothing left for our love. See,
I know I love him too. But let's
talk about this husband.
Let's talk about what he's doing. Let's focus
on him.
We have to
we have to not get wrapped up in
the insanity
of being married to this man and let
him be the focal point of our lives
versus
our creator.
We have to understand the magnitude
and how we are crippling
our amen when we sit up and wonder
what our man is doing or the husband
is doing.
Then we start to create these fractures with
the relationship with the law, and then that
happens.
And then when we get to the point
where we're in polygyny
or we're being challenged by something that we
didn't sign up for, then we go, what
am I gonna do now? And then people
go, you need to start with the Yeah.
I know. I made the I did that.
That doesn't stop.
It doesn't stop.
1 of my that I made every
single day was a law of please grant
me understanding
and knowledge
of what's to come.
And I didn't know what that was gonna
look like. I didn't know what happened. It's
gonna happen. I'm like, it's gonna happen. It's
gonna happen. When you start doing something and
taking action is when it's gonna happen. It's
not gonna fall on your lap. So we
gotta not
we gotta love them,
but we can't be so in love with
them
that it becomes
see, to possess love
is a blessing.
Right? But to be possessive about love is
toxic.
So we're not supposed to possess our husbands
to this point where he can't move, and
he's not supposed to do that for us
when we can't move and we can't grow.
Because that's a great love. Great. That's awesome.
But we can't take ownership
of our husbands and our children, and they
can't take ownership of us. Because if they
owned us, they could stop our death and
say it all the time. And I don't
want that kind of power. You ain't gonna
get it anyway if you wanted it.
But we gotta really
get out of this delusion
because a lot of this is delusion. We're
living in an illusion,
and we don't need to add delusion to
it.
We just
it's not gonna serve us. Maybe we wanted
to
wrap it up with it. Yeah. Yeah.
Any questions?
Sorry.
Yeah. We have time restraints people and ask.
So sorry. I couldn't get to all the
questions. However,
we will be on our YouTube channel for
a bit,
for our audience, so make sure you check
it out. Also,
we will be having our
driving and collisioning
2022,
the workshop tomorrow. So make sure you go
to outstanding personal relationships dotcom/3ways,
the number 3 ways, w a y s,
So you can download,
get your download, your gift, and you will
be registered for that event when you get
your gift. So, yes, we're gonna give the
audience a quick break before our weekly meet
comes on. So we're so excited about that,
and we got us have a treat. Alright.
Some more treats of this. So, yeah, make
sure you download the GIF, and we will
see you guys a little later. Alright?
Make sure you guys are going intentionally Love
and fiercely.
And connecting on a higher level
Every single day.