Naima B. Robert – Advice for Muslims on Intimacy Embracing Your Sensual Self Iffet Rafeeq SISTERS ONLY
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the importance of intimacy in marriage, which is a gift given to a person by their creator. It is a natural gift that brings new spiritual intimacy, and it is linked to the fruit of men's and women's intimacy. It is also important to clean out one's diet, regulate their diet, and simplify their eating to enhance their hunger levels. The speakers also emphasize the importance of healthy lifestyles, eating healthy foods, and balancing hormones and emotions. They provide resources for further learning and encourage viewers to share their thoughts and experiences in the chat.
AI: Summary ©
Welcome everyone to the intimacy
conversation.
I am so excited to be here with
you.
This is your host, Naima b Robert, and
I'm the host of the intimacy conversation.
We have a
an amazing lineup of guests for you this
whole weekend.
I'm not gonna be doing much talking.
I'm gonna do lots of listening, and I'm
gonna be taking notes.
And our first guest
who is going to be presenting
for us tonight herself, and she is
Ifat Rafiq. Ifat. Assalamu alaikum.
Alaykum. Assalam.
Very, very excited to be here. Thank you
so much.
Very, very excited to be here. I can
hear a feedback.
For accepting the invitation.
Feedback.
Okay. Let me know in the chat if
everything is okay sound wise, guys. You know
the bad Internet follows me wherever I go.
So, Sis, why don't you tell the people
who you are and what your
credentials are in this space? Miss Miller, I'm
gonna come off for you.
So
my name is Ife,
and I am a student of Dean. I've
been studying Dean for a good few years.
I am a student I can still hear
the feedback. Just asking if everyone else can
hear the feedback. Inshallah, just let us know.
I think I'm good now. I think I'm
good. I think you it's because you muted
yourself. Okay. So my name is Ifrit Rafiq.
I am a student of Dean from the
UK.
I have been studying for,
over a decade,
Islamic Sciences
with various different scholars in the UK
and internationally.
I've studied,
traditional Alameda course and then, studied Arabic and
various different sciences in places like Al Azhar
University,
Cambridge Muslim College,
Al Maktoum College,
a variety of different institutes internationally and nationally.
After studying Deen
and working in the community quite,
for quite some time,
I felt
a very compelling need
to do more research into marriage, marriage intimacy,
relationships,
communication,
emotional intelligence, because a lot of the questions
that I kept get getting
were to do with relationships.
And just the breakdown of the the marriage
and then breakdown of the the family
system was very interesting to me, and and
I was hoping to try and find solutions.
This kind of led me to
researching more into * education, and I stumbled
upon
a very, very rich tradition
of Islamic * education, which was fascinating as
you can imagine as a student of Deen.
I went through the whole Alameda course with
with a little bit of,
* education
related to fiqh.
But, apart from that, we we we weren't
introduced to it. So super fascinated that scholars
had spoken about this. There are books written
on this.
The only barrier was language. We had a
lot of books that were in Arabic, a
lot of books in in different languages, but
not as many Islamic education
intimacy education books in English. So
I, delved straight into it, head first and
realized that this is definitely definitely a passionate
of mine passion of mine. So now I
spend my time teaching
Deen,
studying
Islamic
* education, sexology in Islam, erotology in Islam,
and trying to teach women,
what I know and what I'm learning,
as well as, speaking about well-being,
mental health. And
as a side passion, I'm really passionate about
minimalism and living sustainably. So that's that's just
a little bit about me.
Naima, I don't know if we can have
a conversation without hearing the feedback.
Let me know if
if that's possible.
Girl, I have no idea either. So I'm
not gonna waste anyone's time.
Okay. So we had a chat, and I
think today you're going to be talking to
us about embracing your sensual self.
So, Bismillah, I think people want to hear
this because
so many of us,
this is an unexplored
area of our lives. Right? Mhmm. Whether we're
married, we're in a marriage right now, or
we're post marriage,
this can be one of those areas that
we simply don't know that much about or
we haven't explored very widely.
So, miss Menasys, I wanna give you the
stage. Just just take it take it away.
How can we embrace our sensual selves? Miss
Mila, let's go. Thank you. Thank you so
much. Thank you. Okay. So what I'm gonna
do is I'm gonna screen share with you
guys. I made
a a small little presentation
just because I'm a visual learner myself,
and I like to,
I like to
have I like to have something on the
screen. Now what I would need from,
if it's okay,
if you can kind of pin both screens.
I don't know.
Or if you can if there's a way
if there isn't a way to to
make both the screens equal, then that's fine.
I'll just I'll just go ahead. But I'll
let you kind of explore that in your
own time, however you can do it. Okay.
So
we're gonna be talking about embracing your sensual
self.
When I think about sensuality,
instantly when I'm teaching it and I'm I'm
connecting with women about sensuality, I'm thinking about
presence because sensuality
brings presence. It brings presence into day to
day life. It bring brings presence into intimacy.
It brings press presence into our relationship with
ourselves and our relationship with God.
So
learning about your sensuality
is about becoming present
about your environment and and who you are
in this moment and what your need is
in this moment. So
sensuality is connecting with the senses.
At a very basic level, it's connecting with
the senses, connecting with what you can feel,
connecting with, what you can smell, what you
can taste,
connecting with
how how it feels to have the ground
underneath your feet, how it feels leaning back
on the seat, how do you how do
you feel right now watching these visuals, and
what can you see in these visuals.
All of these
senses,
connecting with them makes us more present in
this moment.
And what that can help do is then
understand who we are, what our need is,
and then when it comes to sensuality,
we're able to express that need and express
the desire and give out the love and
then be able to ask
and receive what we need as well. So
I'm gonna be talking a little bit about
the different aspects of sensuality
that I felt
Muslim women,
and and Muslim men in in in the
the kind of conversations that I've had with
people
struggle with.
And we'll talk a little bit about how
* sensuality
is or or intimacy,
I guess. Intimacy is,
is is a path to God,
and it brings us back to God. So
we'll be having I'll be giving you some
of my experiences and having the the conversations
I've had and the collective information I've gathered
from Muslim women across the UK and across
the world,
when I teach internationally.
But
also this idea of what I've learned through
the scholarly
literature
about * education, of this idea of really
connecting back to Allah. All of it
essentially brings us back
to Allah.
So
when I think about sensuality,
I think of it as a multidimensional
experience. Sensuality
can never
solely be a a physical or an emotional
experience.
Sensuality
has to it has to transcend past all
of your different
beings, all your different levels of existence
in order for you to get the best
out of your experience.
So you know how people speak about food,
and they say this is soul food
that sometimes we sit with our teachers or
we sit with our grandmothers, and we eat
their food, and we know that this food
isn't
just tongue deep. This food isn't just stomach
deep. This food,
it transcends your being. This food is good
for your spiritual health. This good food is
good when your grandmothers cook, it's good for
your mental health, your spiritual health, your physical
health. That food, we know that it makes
us become more stronger and more eager to
do Ibadah and worship. So
soul, just the same way we we have
different experiences in our life that transcend
different levels of our being and don't just
aren't just restricted to the physical.
I believe
that * and intimacy
have the exact same effect. It is sensuality,
and sexual sensuality especially is it's it
it crosses all the different boundaries of who
you are,
And knowing that
is really powerful
because what what does it mean then? It
means that
suddenly it's become a lot more exciting.
Suddenly there's a lot more to to
unpack here and to open up and to
explore.
So before we open up and explore the
different levels of sensuality,
I would like to share with you guys
the the kind of the struggles that Muslims
that I've been in conversation with, the students
that I've been teaching, the kind of conversations
that come about the initial conversations that come
about when we're learning,
about intimacy. First of all, intimacy
is the fact that intimacy is for procreation
only, this is a sentence that's really thrown
out there a lot. The fact that a
man and a woman come together solely to
to create children, solely to bring children into
this life,
This is a statement that's been thrown out
there a lot, and and it seems to
be pretty well rooted in in society. I
have a lot of women, surprisingly enough, still
till this day, have a lot of women
messaging me
and, telling me that their husbands have said,
okay. No more intimacy now because we've got
our 3 kids, and we don't need you
know, we're not going to have any more
kids, and and and * is only for
procreation. It's
only to to have more kids. So
this this this sentence, believe it or not,
is still pretty much kind of out there,
and people
readily believe it. Speaking about intimacy is shameful.
This is another barrier that Muslim communities have.
Speaking about intimacy in, in in a non
Hayafal way is shameful.
The speaking about intimacy
in the way that the prophet
is his sunnah in the way that he
did it, that is that is, that is,
if anything, fulfilling a sunnah. It's fulfilling,
something that the prophet has done. We know
from our traditions that we have got, we
have received prophetic * education.
So this idea of not speaking about intimacy
and not learning
what we can do in intimacy,
experiences
and and teaching our youth, teaching our adult,
teaching the married, teaching
those who are going to get married.
This
not teaching them is against the sunnah because
the prophet sali alayhi wasalam was very clear
about matters that needed to be spoken about.
There's a a narrative out there that spiritual
people don't really engage with intimacy or the
idea that intimacy reduces our spirituality. Why? Because
we're following our carnal desires, so your spirituality
is reduced because
because you are falling at the you're you're
falling to your desires, and you're weakened by
your desires.
This is not a narrative that is ours.
This is not a narrative that is a
Muslim narrative because
had,
intimacy reduced your spirituality or had spiritual people
not engaged in in intimacy,
then the best of creation, Muhammad salallahu alaihi
wasalam, would have never engaged in it. If
this was not something that was
that was inherently good, then the message of
Allah sallallahu alaihi wa sallam would have never
gone near it. He would have never approached
it.
But there is inherently
intimacy
and connection and *. Inherently, it is sacred,
and the prophet has
he's he's fulfilled that sunnah. So by by
doing so, by looking at his his example,
we can recognize that this is not something
that takes spirituality away from you. When,
when intimacy
and the and the rules of intimacy that
God has given us have been transgressed,
then, of course, it takes away from your
spirituality. It takes you further away from God.
It pulls at the the contentment of the
soul.
But when it's done within the remits that
Allah has permitted,
then it elevates you. It takes you further.
It takes you closer to him. And the
fact that intimacy is for young couples, this
is
I hear this quite a lot. I hear
this from women who are approaching menopause.
I hear this from women who have had,
like, 5, 6 children, and they're done. And
they say, yeah. I've had my fun and
no more. Like, I'm not I'm not interested.
I'm too old for that kind of stuff.
SubhanAllah. This is not
this is this is, I think,
a narrative that is used to
sup surprise female sexuality
and and to kind of put a lid
on it. But
the idea of,
the village auntie concept and elderly women knowing
and learning and training younger
younger women on intimacy and how to have,
a very wholesome
intimacy life.
This comes from the idea that the older
women are still very intimately active and that
they have they're well experienced.
So
intimacy isn't just for young couples. So that
was that's just a couple of barriers that
I've seen in the Muslim community,
in general. So let's go back. Let's take
it back to the Quran.
Everything we do as a student of deen,
everything we do, we start with the Quran.
Allah
has said in the Quran that another of
his signs is that he created spouses amongst
yourselves for you to live in tranquility.
He ordained love and kindness between you.
Truly there are truly signs in this for
those who reflect.
So
Bayna ibn Abbas
is our go to for understanding the Quran.
He he he explained many verses of the
Quran to us and in this specific verse,
it is reported that he said when Allah
is speaking about love,
he's speaking about sexual * and a lot
of other scholars have also made this interpretation.
So let's let's look at this for a
minute.
Allah is saying from amongst his signs,
Allah has ordained for you love,
I. E. Intimacy,
and kindness between yourself. So in Allah has
commanded
intimacy
and kindness between us. These are signs.
So if Allah is saying that within a
marriage, I bring 2 a man and a
woman together. I bring 2 souls together for
you to live in peace and have that.
And then between you, I I encourage love
and kindness. And this becomes
that love and that kindness and that intimacy
becomes a sign for those who reflect. What
are we learning here? That intimacy
can directly connect and lead us to
proximity with Allah.
Because the more we reflect on the intimacy,
the kindness,
the the tranquility,
the balance between a husband and a wife,
that beautiful
balance of of the masculine and the feminine
coming together, the more we reflect on it,
the more we say, subhanAllah,
glory be to Allah who created this created
this for us.
And from, the hadith of the prophet
we know that we have many prophetic teachings.
I've given I've just mentioned 3 narrations here,
but there are so many narrations. Habiba Kante
has, like, a a huge book in English
called a taste of honey, which I've mentioned
in the in in the resources at the
end.
Speaking about all all the narrations that the
prophet salaihi sallam, nearly all of the narrations
that the prophet salaihi sallam has mentioned associated
with * education.
We know when the prophet salaam taught *
education, he would make it very clear. There
was no ambiguity.
Everybody understood what was being said. The prophet
wants dispatch Saydna Ali
to go out and announce to the people
that,
the certain days the certain days
were for eating, drinking, and sexual * just
so everybody knew. It It was very it
was permitted for them to now eat, drink,
and and have sexual *.
Another hadith that is really interesting, and I
I find this,
I I you I use this under a
hadith to understand masculinity
and manhood and what it means to be
a man. My husband and I, we do
a lot of work in this area of
breaking down,
the our understanding of masculinity and restoring that
balance between men and women.
And,
this hadith is really interesting. The prophet
said that every game a Muslim plays is
futile,
I. E. Waste of time, except archery, training
on horse, and playing with your wife or
engaging
with your wife for they are real.
What I what I believe from this hadith
or this narration is that the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wasallam was teaching us the the qualities
of a man. He was teaching us,
about how how when a man is well
disciplined
and he's also very forthcoming with his wife,
how this can create and nurture really powerful
masculinity.
And as we know from archery, as we
know from training a horse, we've heard
that
these skills
take real precision. They take real discipline. They
take a a lot of work on the
knuffs. You can't have you can't do archery
without really training the mind
to be still, training the body to be
still. You can't you can't train horses without
having,
working on your ego. I know a lot
of
a lot of teachers that work with horses
say that it is a huge,
humble
experience to to work with horses because you
can't have an ego when you're when you're
working with horses and riding horses and training
them, things like that.
So archery refines the mind. It refines and
brings balance to to the body and that
precision and that excellence in the human
focus
and and training and that connecting with animals
and not having pride and ego, especially with
horses,
and then having this engaging with with
your wife and and nurturing her and getting
her prepared
to be intimate with you,
these are signs of masculinity.
These are the signs of a man.
I won't go into too much explanation. I
think I'll be here all day on that
hadith.
The one of the most popular narrations that
we have that majority of us have heard
of before
is this narration when the Sahaba came to
the prophet and they said, all
of the rich people have taken all of
the sadaqah. They've taken all of the wealth.
They've taken all of the barakah because they
give so much in in charity, and
the prophet
told them about certain azgah they can recite,
reciting
reciting la ilaha illallah is sadaqa for
you. He he mentioned a variety of different
forms that you could do sadaqa so that
those who are financially
not
capable could also receive the rewards of sadaqa.
And he
said, having * with your wife
is sadaqah.
And the sahaba were like, yeah, Rasulullah,
if one of us fulfills our own desires,
there's reward in that? And the prophet
said, do you not see that if if
you commit this in a haram way, you
will be given a sin? A sin will
be attributed to you. So if you do
it in a halal manner, then a reward
will be attributed to you. So when we
if we were to disobey
Allah
and we were to have,
* outside of marriage or outside of the
the boundaries that Allah has created for us,
a sin would be written against us.
Then obeying Allah means having intimacy
with your wife,
being intimate with your partner.
It is an act of obedience.
From this hadith, we can recognize that the
same way we
the same way we, recite Quran, we do
Nawafil,
acts the same way we give sadaqa, the
same way that we try to excel ourselves
in in excellence in in
in different ways, this is also a form
of,
fulfilling the right of your spouse, your your
spouse fulfilling the right
your rights
and creating and nurturing that that that love
and that kindness that we we read in
the in the the the verse of the
Quran,
nurturing that
that brings about so much reward. That is
obedience to Allah and that is bringing us
closer to Allah.
So what is the purpose of intimacy?
And I think,
I think I've asked this question many times.
I've had many different answers,
but essentially, I I mentioned the answer to
you right at the beginning.
The purpose of intimacy
is not procreation.
It's not,
it's not, believe it or not, the purpose
of it, it's it's not
to to in to connect with your spouse.
To to a certain degree, it does connect
you with your spouse, but the real purpose,
the real essence of intimacy
is exactly the same
as the purpose of everything else in this
world. The purpose
of the mountains and the trees and the
and the lakes and the deserts and the
purpose of everything else that is beautiful
in this earth.
Everything that Allah has created, the purpose of
it
is to remind us of Allah.
It is to remind us of Allah's glory,
to remind us of Allah's
power,
Allah's grace,
Allah's kindness,
Allah's rahman.
The purpose of intimacy
is exactly the same as the purpose of
why we take hikes
on beautiful mountains.
We climb Mount Everest, and we
we travel far and wide to see beautiful
beautiful scenery and waterfalls and lakes and deserts
and all of the creation that Allah has
created,
we go out there
and we see these incredible scenes and we
say wow.
Something's moved inside me. Wow.
Allah created this.
This is beautiful.
This is
this is
this is a sign. This is a sign
that there is something
great greater. There is a creator that's creating
all of this. It moves
something within you.
*
is exactly the same. Intimacy
is exactly the same. The real essence, the
real purpose of it all
is to remind us of Allah.
It is to for us to to feel
the pleasure,
to experience this connection, to experience this ecstatic,
intimate
whole relationship that we we are going through
and the state that we experience,
and to say,
This is Allah.
This is what Allah has given me in
this world,
in this temporary world. This is what Allah
gave me here. Imagine what he will give
me in Jannah.
Imagine what it will be like to be
with him,
What that will taste like, what that will
feel like, how incredible that feeling, and how
joyful that will feel if this is what
I'm tasting and this is what I'm feeling
in the duniya, in a temporary world.
So subhanAllah,
the purpose of intimacy is
it does connect you to your spouse. It
does bring forth amazing, incredible gifts in the
form of children in this world.
It does help and heal the mind and
the body, but the real essence,
the real purpose is to feel intimacy
and say,
This is my God. This is my creator
who gave who put this ability in me.
And sometimes I use this example
of
and it sounds strange to people when they
think of it, but sensuality
and going back to embracing your sensuality,
this is this is where it ties in
and it links to this.
Eating your favorite meal,
smelling your favorite perfume,
it are just steps along the way of
recognizing
Allah and being reminded of Allah
and intimacy is exactly the same. It's one
of those stepping stones to Allah. So when
we I know my favorite food is Thai
green curry.
Absolutely in love with Thai green curry. Every
time I have the first bite of Thai
green curry,
I just feel this euphoric rush, and I
just enjoy
that taste of the coconut and the spices.
And it's so delicious, and I always end
up saying,
This is amazing. This is this is something
that was created in the dunya.
How incredible is this? What will be waiting
for us in Jannah?
And when I take that first bite, I
always feel this euphoric
sense of,
like, this is a huge gift. My God
has gifted me this. I'm so grateful for
this experience.
And then in the same way, when we
tap into other senses, when we perfume ourselves
and we smell or we smell our our
partner's perfume and it smells intoxicating,
When we, feel certain textures,
when we wear silk or when we,
brush against something that's very soft and gentle,
it it tingles and tantalizes the skin and
it makes you
be present back into your body again and
glorify Allah for it. It reminds you that
Allah has given me
the tawfiq
to feel this pleasure.
When we do that,
essentially, we're tapping into all of these small
stepping stones to to to take us back
back to him.
So
I'm going to I'm going to give you
this statement
that * is inherently
sacred.
Why is it inherently sacred? This is an
act that god
chose to
attribute to bringing new souls into this dunya.
We have and I know this sounds like
a very basic example, but we have fruit
that grows on trees.
If Allah wanted, they could. Humans could have
come from trees. We have vegetables that grow
from the ground, from the earth. If Allah
went wanted, we could have had we could
have had humans that grow from the earth
and from the ground.
We have, water that springs forth. We have
a lot of creation that comes from water.
If Allah wanted,
mankind would have come from the ocean.
Allah
chose
a very specific sequence of events
that start with
the coming together of a man and a
woman in in a very sacred union. Allah
created this
as the and attributed to it
the the focus of bringing a a new
soul into this dunya. So the the idea
of it being chosen as the means and
the method is is it shows sanctity.
Sexual intimacy is the deepest and the closest
you can physically be with another human apart
from being in the womb of your mother
when you're a fetus. This is the closest
that humans can connect. We know
that even in our salah, we create spiritual
intimacy when we're standing side by side, brothers
are standing side by side, when women are
standing shoulder to shoulder, and we're praying and
we're doing sujood together, that is physical closeness,
physical proximity, and we're we're,
cultivating
spiritual intimacy amongst ourselves.
We there are so many different ways when
we when we grieve, we hug each other,
we embrace each other. When we're happy,
we, you know, we we we have physical
proximity. But when it comes to a man
and a woman, especially
in in in the beautiful
confinements of a marriage, this is the closest
you can be with another human being
physically.
* also has very healing properties for the
mind and the body, and and knowing this
can really help you tap tap back into
your sensuality.
Knowing
that, your your mental health
is enhanced when you're having a wholesome intimacy
experience
and knowing that your physical health is enhanced
when you're having a wholesome,
spiritual
wholesome intimacy experience
can really help tap into that that sensual
self of ourselves.
And it's classed as an act of worship,
like I mentioned, and it will also be
performed in Jannah. We have a narration
from the prophet where he speaks about,
men and women and the spouses having *
in Jannah
and it being,
it being it being better than it is
in the dunya, and it won't there won't
be any conception.
So the prophet was teaching us about the
type of intimacy that will take place in
Jannah. Now if you think about it, the
dunya,
grief, sadness,
bad words,
everything that's lowly and and dark and, and
draining,
it stays for the dunya. It it's here.
It remains here. It doesn't go into to
Jannah. So in Jannah, Allah
speaks about there will be no sad words.
There will be no sad experiences.
Everyone will just feel joy and happiness.
But when it comes to
*,
Allah has allowed it to enter Jannah. It
to be an experience in Jannah, which means
that inherently *
is is is sacred if it can make
it and it can be permitted in Jannah.
And I mentioned all of these things because
when we think about our sensuality,
we need to think about mind, body, and
soul. And our sensual self needs to be
tapped into our physical,
and our bodies need to be open and
ready for that for for the intimacy.
It needs to be psychological and emotional. We
need our hearts need to be ready. Our
minds need to be ready for intimacy
and spiritual.
And sometimes Muslims have a spiritual block because
we believe
based on
hearsay or information that we've picked up across
our lives
that * is shameful, intimacy is shameful.
So this idea of
knowing that inherently it was a it is
a good thing, and it's just been corrupted
by humans for their own desires, but inherently,
it is something that we use to elevate
us and bring us closer
to Allah and really help embrace
our sensuality.
So I'm gonna speak a little bit about
how do we cultivate how do we cultivate
sensuality. And then, inshallah, once I've wrapped up,
I I'll I'll be happy to take any
questions.
So I think the first thing that I
say, because I am my mother's daughter, is
eating well. Eat clean. Eat good food.
That is the best way
to cultivate your sensuality. If your body is
not healthy, remember, this is the instrument.
So the the cycle the especially for women,
the the the mind is one of the
largest * organs,
and the the heart being present is is
very, very important.
And in order to in order to access
the heart and access the mind, we need
to take care of this instrument, which is
the body.
Eating well and eating clean is
paramount. It's so important. When we have unhealthy
lifestyles, when we have unhealthy diets, it takes
an instant
impact on our wombs, on our cycles,
on male fertility,
on female fertility. It takes an impact on
libido.
It takes an impact on how we communicate
and how we,
problem solve our relation within our relationships. It
breaks down a lot of things,
when we're eating very unhealthy food and our
minds and our bodies are not getting the
right nutrition.
So a lot of what's really popular out
there is, like, foods to increase your libido.
And here's what I'm gonna say when across
this amazing conversation that you're you're gonna have
for the next 3 days, you're going to
receive information from incredible,
individuals who have have so much knowledge to
share, and we're so blessed to have access
to this. And when they when when they
when you hear about foods to increase your
libido, I want you to remember one thing.
And I've often seen this when I'm teaching
courses and when I'm working with women.
I tell them about foods that can enhance
their libido. And what we what we tend
to do is we have our set diet,
and then we add
the foods that are great for the libido.
What I would like to say is we
need to clean out the diet first,
regulate what we already are eating, and really
simplify what we're eating, go back to basics,
and back to, like, fitra foods only,
and create space for these libido enhancing foods
so that our body can do instead of
just putting it on top of what we're
already eating and consuming all the salt and
the sugar and the the the junk food
and all of that, and then adding on,
like, an extra libido enhancing,
ingredient and saying, well, this isn't making a
difference for me. Clean out the palate first,
and then you'll be able to experience the
difference.
Knowing that pleasure is your right. This is
your god given right, whether you're male or
female,
knowing just really knowing within yourselves, deep within
yourselves that this is, number 1, okay,
that number 2, that this is your hack.
This is something that is it is your
permission, and this is something that women
struggle with a lot of the time. And
get into that pleasure state of mind that
this is this is for me to give
pleasure and to receive pleasure.
Taking care of our bodies, once again, reducing
stress.
One of the biggest libido killers that I've
seen in the students that I've been teaching
is this idea of
chronic fatigue
because of lifestyle choices.
Men and women are really in a state
of exhaustion, these 9 to 5 jobs, and
then they're running around, being stuck in traffic
and having quick meals,
meals on the go. All of this lifestyle
that has been especially in in in the
UK and in in certain places in America,
this very fast paced lifestyle
is killing
our body health, but also killing our libido
as well.
So come the end of the day, if
you've done a full full day's work and
and you've been dealing with the kids, by
the time you finally get to them to
bed, you're exhausted.
A lot of mothers, even if they're not
working mothers, they're they're exhausted
being with the children all day
and and having to run around and these
you know, especially when they're drivers and there's
there's so much to do. There's so many
clubs to get to and things like that.
Women are in a state and women and
men are in a state of exhaustion.
So
whatever we can do to reduce stress my
personal,
method to reduce stress, my personal method to
live happier and be happier is minimalism.
Minimalism has changed
my life. It has made me such a
happier, more,
more less stressed person because of it. Because
I I don't have extra items in my
home. I don't have I I'm not thinking
about purchasing extra items.
Everything's very it's simplified a lot of things
for me, and it's also helping me with
my my spiritual minimalism as well that I'm
trying to practice.
Knowing yourself deeply, cultivating your sensuality
and knowing yourself deeply,
knowing yourself,
both of these 2 come together and they're
so intertwined. Knowing who you are,
what type of person
you would like to be,
knowing,
what relationship you have with your parents and
how that affects your intimacy,
what relationship you have with the world and
how that affects what type of intimacy you
want to receive,
knowing, that your your job role, your role
in the house, your role outside of the
house, knowing that your friends and all of
the things that amalgamate to who you are
affect
what you want in the bedroom,
affect how you behave in the bedroom. We
have many, many, research studies, many kind of
articles out there on how
people in positions of power, like a certain
type of intimate experience, people in who don't
have a lot of power in their life
enjoy certain types of experiences. People with certain
unhealthy relationships with their fathers have
gravitate towards certain sexual experiences.
So knowing who you are,
knowing your story,
recognizing
why you crave certain things in the bedroom,
based on based on your your history, your
life history
really helps because if you can figure it
out within yourself, then you can then articulate
this to your,
to your partner.
Also, recognizing that certain
certain desires that we have
are gravitating towards
unhealthy or covering up unhealthy, unresolved issues and
traumas that we have. So knowing yourself can
really help cultivate your sensuality.
And nonsexual intimacy, platonic touch, and very powerful,
deeply,
intellectually stimulating conversations are always,
a a great way to to build up
your confidence of who you are, build up
your confidence in that space with your partner,
build a connection that's outside of the sexual
and the physical. There's there's there's just connection,
and there's a deep
deep profound respect and love for each other
that can help then,
later when you're we're trying to cultivate our
spiritual our sensuality.
So I'm gonna finish off there, but I'm
gonna give you guys just, some further resources.
Habiba Conde has
a book called the taste of honey, and
this is all about Islamic Eratology in Islam.
This is where he's just jam packed loads
of narrations and loads of a hadith,
on the the prophet salaam's
all the conversations around * education, around the
prophet salaam's time. And then he's created a
smaller, much more easier book to read, women
of desire,
which is,
which which a lot of, Muslims kind
of go for that one first and then
a taste of honey.
Internet sexual intelligence is a great book to
understand
why
why you are the way you are, why
you crave certain things, and what you actually
want from * and intimacy. And better *
through mindfulness is is pretty useful. In terms
of courses, Angelica
Lindsay Ali has art of art of seduction
course, and she has quite a few other
courses going on. And myself, I teach, the
central woman course, which is very long, 14
hour
course,
fully unpacking and discussing
how to prepare ourselves for intimacy.
So how to prepare the mind, how to
prepare the body, and how to prepare the
soul
for that intimate experience in order for it
to be a very wholesome and happy
experience. If you need to get in touch
with me, these are my details, Insha Allah.
Just screenshot them if you can. And Insha
Allah, I'll be taking questions now, I think.
Yep. Right on time.
Naima, do you want to read out the
questions or shall I just read them out
myself?
I've got some here.
So before we go any further, guys, please
make dua for the sister. That was
a really
a really thought provoking
and well thought through presentation
that the YouTube chat is loving it.
So many kind of mind blowing,
really mindset shifts when it comes to, you
know, to to to intimacy. Right? Because people
are not used to thinking about it the
way you laid it out. So that's absolutely
amazing. Guys, please go and follow sister Ifat
Rafiq right now and put in the chat
when you've done it. Because put done in
the chat when you've gotten her on Instagram.
And if you like the way that she
teaches and you're interested in learning more, she
does have that course, and we will send
information out on the email list to everybody
who's interested. Inshallah. Thank you.
That was really, really wonderful. I have got
some questions
from the Instagram and from the q and
a. So this I thought this was a
good one.
This says, the dialogue is mainly about men,
but how do you deal with desire
as a woman especially when you're ovulating?
What do you think of that question?
I get this question a lot, but often,
as single women because I teach about the
seasons of the cycle,
and I teach teach about, like, in in
different stages of your cycle. There's your libido
is in a different way.
You have different experiences, and you are different
in in the 4 different stages of your
your menstrual cycle. So I do talk about
this a lot, and I always get this
question that as a single woman, how do
we how do we manage our desires,
when we're ovulating?
Now I don't know if this specific question
is about managing desires,
but you're right. A 100 percent right. A
lot of the conversation is always directed to
the men.
Now the conversation is definitely
directing towards women with Ostada
angel Ostada Angelica out there.
Quite a few women are now stepping up.
And in female only spaces. We are teaching
and we're speaking about this. So there is
a lot there's a lot going on on
especially on Instagram, there's a lot going on.
But when it comes to ovulation,
if if you are married,
then this is the time that actually
you can really thrive in your intimacy. This
is the time where you take charge. You
can ask what you want. This is the
time where you really you can flourish. You're
a lot more confident in your body. Your
your your skin, in your ovulation phase, it
should be glowing. It should be great. You
should be feeling really confident.
And and this is the time where women
can actually become very multi *. There's a
lot of, like, there's a lot of power
in our bodies, and we're very capable of
of achieving a lot in intimacy in terms
of intimacy. But if you're single
if you're
single, there is there are certain things that
we can do to balance down our hormones.
So if if our estrogen levels are imbalanced,
sometimes the estrogen can tip on on the
other side, and there's a very subtle imbalances,
but they feel like a lot. And there's
certain foods that we can do to bring
back estrogen and and and just learning about,
you know, what foods to eat in the
certain types of
seasons of your cycle is really useful.
And then just keeping an eye on estrogen
levels also really helps.
Knowing that women have a lot of testosterone
in their body these days due to,
we have we have, like, synthetic estrogen in
our bodies because of the plastics and, you
know, all of that kind of stuff happening
all around us and the water that we're
drinking from the taps.
But at the same time, have knowing that
testosterone
is also playing a part in this, like,
hypersexuality.
And as a single woman, I can understand
it might be hard. So if you're single
and if that's something that you're struggling with,
exercise
definitely helps, but
relaxing exercise. So it has to be, like,
more tai chi,
more,
mindful
focused
exercise. If we can channel that energy into
focusing
and disciplining the body, it can really help
with sensuality.
And I know
I know when I say this, and I
know scholars say this and people switch off
when they say
fasting because this is what the prophet has
prescribed that when you fast, it reduces your
desire, but but stay with me. Right? Don't
don't switch off completely. Right? Because
if in your ovulation phase, that is the
highest form that's when you're when you're at
your peak when it comes to your sexuality.
You don't have to fast the entire month.
You don't even have to fast 10 days.
Ovulation days are just 3 to 5 days.
If of those 3 to 5 days you
only fasted
2 days,
it would significantly reduce your desire. It would
significantly and and I've worked with women who
have used this technique to avoid
* and * and these * addictions that
women have just by fasting 2 days, sometimes
3 days, that's all they need to control
and just curb that desire for that month.
Inshallah, the prophet
commanded it. And if you can't fast,
just reduce what you eat. Reduce the portion
and reduce how much we eat and what
we eat. Clean out the diet.
And it so if if if you're somebody
who has low blood pressure, somebody who's managing
your blood sugar levels, and you can't completely
fast, then bismillah, just eat less, and that
will control and curb that desire in Jah.
That's the first time I've actually heard practical
advice
for, you know, single women, single people on
how to deal with desire. So jazakalah khairan
for that. And it's, like, really practical as
well.
Something else that occurred to me was you
were speaking is also watching what you are,
ingesting in terms of media. Right? Mhmm. You're
actually consuming in terms of media that may
be
leading you to a heightened state of arousal.
Do you think that that can be a
problem? Oh, 100%. I I was having this
conversation a couple of,
I think a couple of
weeks ago in in a group setting with
women as well.
Netflix
Netflix is full of
TV shows and TV series that are
directed towards female psychology
and to heighten that that experience of, like,
something as sim something like Bridgerton. Bridgerton is
out there. Bridgerton
is like female *
because it knows exactly what the woman wants
to hear. And it it's curating
exactly the scenes that it's
curating.
It's curating exactly the scenes that a woman
wants to a woman wants to know, wants
to feel, wants to so things like I've
had a lot of messages from a lot
of women saying, I watch Bridgerton. I'm struggling.
I don't know what to do. I'm not
married. I don't wanna suddenly marry anybody.
And what what do I do? And I
just can't help myself. So
remember, when the prophet
was talking about suhba,
remember that TV screens and entertainment is sukhaaba.
It's powerful. It can become you. I know
there's a lot of people that say that
I watch a TV show and I start
acting like that character or I start thinking
like that character after, like, 2, 3 days
of watching a TV show. So this is
very powerful.
And just as we wouldn't sit in bad
like that, we wouldn't sit in scenarios where
we would watch people having, you know, *,
we wouldn't sit and watch that on a
screen. This is it's still sohba, and it
still affects us.
Soft, man. It still affects us.
Wow.
Guys, please tell all your friends. Make sure
that you share this video, guys. Like the
video. Put your comments in there, and make
sure that you share it and subscribe to
the channel.
So let's let's let's do a 180.
What does it mean if you don't have
desire at all?
Okay.
So
the initial reaction
that that I would my initial reaction as
somebody who works with the seasons of the
cycle is that something's imbalanced. There's something there
that we can work with because naturally,
you don't need to be somebody who has
desire all month long. But naturally, in your
ovulation phase, there should be a certain level
of desire. There should be something there that
that you're working
with. If there's absolutely nothing,
then
my
my instruction to you would be to check
into your hormones, check into the balance, check
into,
whether your estrogen levels are okay, whether
your progesterone
levels are okay, whether your testosterone levels are
okay, just tapping back into that, I think
getting it checked from your GP, I think,
will be really useful in checking that out.
If there's no desire at all and your
hormones are okay, then it might be psychological.
So there may have been something
somewhere down the line that's happened in your
life. It couldn't it doesn't have to be
an extreme traumatic experience. It could just be
small
informations that you've picked up along the way
that you feel like, ah, okay. That's that
I I don't like the sound of that.
I'm gonna stay away from that. And then
and then especially as Muslim
Muslim men and women, we hear a lot
about stay away from *. It's bad. It's
sinful. Sin. Sin. Haram. We hear these things,
and your brain slowly starts to switch off
from that. And it can cause a condition
called vaginismus
when, psychologically,
we we're shut off from the idea of
intimacy,
and then it has physical manifestations.
Right?
So if hormones are well and balanced and
you're a happy, healthy person,
and if
you if you haven't had extreme trauma in
your life, definitely look into
what it is that restricts you from approaching
intimacy and and what it is that you
feel,
that that is the barrier.
Psychologically,
things like anxiety, things like depression can really
reduce libido. I know a lot of people
today,
because of their depression,
their libido is completely,
completely shut down, or it's on the upper
opposite end. If they have depression, they sometimes
become hypersexual.
So there's, yeah. So my initial reaction of
no desire
could be that something might be out of
balance and maybe that's something to explore.
Fantastic.
So we've got some questions, haven't we, in
the chat? We can maybe take 1 or
2 before we have to,
before we have to
make way for our next speaker. But, guys,
the books that the system mentioned, you'll be
able to rewatch the video.
You they're all available on Amazon,
And, yeah. Go ahead, educate yourselves, you know,
educate your spouses,
have the conversation. What questions have we got
in here inshallah?
So can we just address this really quickly
before you go, right?
And that is you mentioned and thank you
so much for mentioning it. But you mentioned
* addiction amongst women,
and that's not something that people talk much
about.
Is that really happening?
What's going on?
Sister Nahima, if I could tell you what's
going on in my DMs. If I could
if I could tell you
I had,
I had one
girl
as young as, like I think she was
11. I think she was 11 or 12,
and she was saying I'm addicted to *.
I'm addicted to *.
And
for some reason, the Muslim community,
we
we are we still think that this is
a men problem. This is a male's problem.
This is not restricted to the men anymore.
Anybody who has access to the Internet has
access to *.
Anybody who's has access to, you know, Wi
Fi or anything like that.
Everybody is susceptible to this,
especially our young teenagers.
But
*, *, addiction, I think it's so widespread
now that we need to start having very
open conversations about it, and we need to
really, like, bring it bring the conversation out
there, especially for women,
because there are a lot of,
* that's now tailored to women. A lot
of women are kind of gravitating towards that,
and the it has gone as serious as
I have a I have a handful of
women messaging me saying that I've been watching
* for so long that now my sexual
orientation
has decided to go one way or the
other.
So
it's it's definitely serious, and it's serious enough
to be affecting young children. It's serious enough
to be affecting married women.
It's serious enough. They're married married women, especially,
I think the most of my messages are
from married women who watch *. So it's
it's definitely something that needs more conversation. I
think you have a a a segment on
*
on on this
conference. Right? Yes. Yes. We do.
That's gonna be good. Okay.
So please, sis, before you go, tell everybody
again where they can find you and how
they can work with you.
Okay. Thank you so much. Thank you so
much, first of all, for for letting me
on the be on this platform. This has
been such an honor. I just wanted to
let everyone know and tell everyone that sister
Naima has been an inspiration for me when
I was a young girl, and I first
walked into an Islamic,
Islamic bookstore, and I all picked up from
my sister's lips. And I was really young
then, and I don't even know if I
could connect to the book, but I her
name has been in my life
for, like, 2 decades. So thank you so
much for your presence, and thank you so
much for allowing me onto the space. And
if anybody does want to connect with me,
I'm on Instagram. It's,
at Ifit Rafiq that's my full name Ifit
Rafiq
and I have an online institute for Islamic
Studies and Well-being and that's the Blue Lantern
Institute and that's membership based if anybody wants
to join. And I have a course called
essential woman if anybody wants to learn how
to prep the mind, body, and soul for
intimacy. Thank you so much.
Thank you so so much.
Right, everybody. Please do share your takeaways in
the chat.
That was really, really, again, as I said,
thought provoking,
a wonderful,
a wonderful introduction, I think, to your work.
So may Allah bless you. May Allah accept
your efforts.
Bless you and your spouse in this, you
know, this journey that you're both on, and
hope this will not be the last time
that we see you, inshallah, on this channel.
Thank you. Thank you so much.