Naima B. Robert – Advice for Muslim Women on Marital Sex @amirahzaky
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I remember,
last time we had a a conference, and
I if I remember correctly, it was it
was in that talk that you talked about
a woman's
responsibility
in that sexual relationship
to understand herself
and understand
I remember you were talking about, you know,
understanding
what gets you to that place and and
taking responsibility for that. Do you wanna just
talk a little bit about that?
Yeah. So I was saying that I I
really believe that it's a woman's responsibility
to
prioritize her *.
But actually more than that, it's really prioritized
pleasure.
I think a lot of Muslim women have
been raised to believe that
* isn't something that was created for them.
It was created for
a man's * or male pleasure.
And it's not necessary for you as the
woman to experience pleasure and it doesn't matter
if you as the woman don't experience *.
None of that comes from Islam.
Islam
teaches us that Allah created * for both
male and female pleasure. If you dive into
authentic sources, dive into what the Quran and
the sunnah and the Hadith say about pleasure,
it's really that pleasure was created for both
the man and the woman. And so
when you understand that as a woman, it's
important to prioritize that. And
remember that Allah created * for your pleasure
as a woman. And so if Allah created
* for your pleasure as a woman, you
need to go and seek it. You need
to go and seek it out.
So I remember
when you delivered a talk and you were
talking about a woman's responsibility
for
her own kind of her own sexual state
and her part in that sexual relationship,
and how, you know, her being aware of
what turns her on,
of what gets her to that place, what
gets her in the mood
allows it actually empowers her
to feel sexual
without the need for, for example, her husband
to necessarily
perform x, y, and zed.
And I remember, you know, I'm firstly, for
me, it really it kind of made so
much sense because so many of us as
women, obviously, we complain about not being in
the mood. Right?
And, like, it's like he always wants it,
but it's I'm not in the mood because
it's all up here. And when you said
taking responsibility
for your own part that you play in
that dance, it made so much sense to
me. And I think if if more women
understood what that means and were able to
kind of leverage their ability
to get themselves to that place, I think
maybe would avoid a lot of the kind
of mismatch in sexual desire between men and
women. But just explain what you meant by
that sort of a woman taking responsibility for
her own kind of her the the role
she plays in the sexual relationship.
Yeah. So what we're seeing obviously is that
most,
most men, regardless of religion, really, most men
have kind of been programmed that * was
created for them and their pleasure.
If you're programmed that way, it's a belief
that you have. So imagine that you're a
man and you're programmed that when you have
*, it's meant to be pleasurable for you.
You're meant to * feel really good. And
so men believe that, oh, wow, * was
created for me. I meant to experience pleasure.
I meant to * and it's meant to
feel really good.
So they Great. Yeah. So they they they
go into some men go into a sexual
experience with their wives
expecting it to feel good and they will
do
whatever they need to do with their wife,
whatever stimulation they need to receive from their
wife.
They will they will expect it, but not
necessarily demand it. You know, most husbands are
good. They won't demand it, but they will
have that expectation
and they usually
will communicate with their wife before or during,
or, you know, move their body in a
certain way to bring themselves to pleasure and
lead them to *
because they have the belief.
Women, on the other hand, girls, on the
other hand, have not been taught that have
not been taught that * was created for
them, that * is meant to be pleasurable
for you,
and that you're meant to *.
But what's important for women is to start
believing that * was created by Allah for
your pleasure. So start programming yourself just like
men were programmed by society.
Society did the opposite to females but we
need to,
we need to debunk that and go back
to the true source and say, okay, Allah
created * for me. And if you want
the evidence go and do your research. There
is evidence in the Quran and the sunnah.
The fact that the prophet Muhammad SAWS enjoyed
sexual pleasure with his wives, but equally
his wives experience pleasure with their husband, the
prophet Muhammad SAWS. So you as a woman
need to emulate that. We are, you know,
all as as Muslims, we are all trying
to emulate the prophet. And it's not just
the fact that he was a man and
thinking, yes, he was meant to experience pleasure,
but his wives also experienced pleasure. So we
as women need to be emulating that they
are our role models. So
start with the belief that Allah created *
for me. If I'm a woman, I need
to believe Allah created * for me. Allah
created * for me to experience pleasure. Allah
created * for me to experience * if
I'm able to. When you start with that,
you then will start thinking, okay, what is
it that I need to know?
What does it need to know about my
body or any kind of bits of education
with regards to *? What is it that
will help me experience that pleasure that Allah
created for me? It is very much possible.
You need to believe that it can be
your reality to experience pleasure. But there may
be certain things that you don't know about
your body. So go on that journey of
educating yourself about your body and being willing
to experiment with your husband with regards to
finding what works for you and your unique
self and unique body.
And in terms of prioritising pleasure, I really
believe that if more women
prioritise pleasure, prioritise their * in the context
of * with their husband,
they will enjoy * more. They will not
see * as a chore because * is
not meant to be a chore. They will
finally experience amazing, an amazing * life with
their husband and they will naturally start to
desire it more. Just like if you
eat a really delicious cake,
you will desire that cake more. You will
crave that cake more. The same applies to
*. If you experience really pleasurable * with
your spouse, you will naturally
marriage because
* is a big part of marriage. Your
sexuality is a big part of marriage. Obviously,
it's not the only thing, but it is
a big thing. And I find that when
there are issues sexually within the marriage, it
can usually have negative knock on effects to
other areas of your marriage. And so really,
like not kind of I think a lot
of women tend to see * as this
thing that's not very important.
And I will kind of just have *
with my husband whenever he wants it. And
it's not that important. Actually, * is a
big foundation in your marriage. And so start
seeing it as something that I need to
prioritize.
And one thing that will help women prioritize
it more is
remembering and reminding yourself that
* in your marriage is an act of
worship.
We are rewarded when we do any acts
of worship, praying, reading Quran, fasting, giving charity.
* is equally an act of worship, so
it is very important
to educate yourself about it, prioritize it and
know that you are being rewarded.
And I have found that when I went
from that place and understood that it really
helped my connection with Allah SubhanAllah because
when I was able to experience more pleasure
and * in my marriage,
I
felt kind of in awe of Allah's generosity
that Allah
wants me to feel this good
and he's rewarding me for it in this
life and the next.
That's amazing. Like really when you think of
Yeah, exactly. So
I think that that's the message I want
women to start,
programming themselves with is * was created for
me as a woman
and I'm going to do whatever it takes
to find out how to make * pleasurable
and *. And I'm going to communicate with
my husband and we're going to work as
a team.
And
insha'allah, just watch
how many positive effects it has in your
marriage.
I absolutely love that. And I think, if
I remember correctly,
we talked about,
before about 2 different kinds of, of desire,
spontaneous desire and
responsive desire. So for example, if a woman
knows that she's more inclined to the responsive
desire,
And, for example,
she needs to
smell nice
in order for her to feel in the
mood. Right? Or she needs to be
clean because you know? Or or she needs
the lights low or she needs certain smells.
Yeah. I remember you saying,
do it then. Like, make that happen. You
know? And and this and this is what,
for me, what was really empowering about it
was,
again, we we have this narrative
that men always want it,
and, sorry, husbands always want it, and wives
are always trying to put it off.
You know, the whole I've got a headache
trope. It's been a long day. You know?
If maybe if you help me with the
kids more, you know, maybe if you did
the dishes more. Basically,
I don't want this with you. Right? And
it's it's it's oh oh oh, the Muslim
version. I'm gonna have to make hustle.
I just got my hair done. You know?
Like, these types of things. Right? So there's
this this narrative that husbands want it and
wives are trying to put it off.
And when I heard you talking about, you
know firstly,
I mean, from where I'm sitting and what
I came to understand was that
we know that, Islamically,
the husband and the wife have the right
to enjoy each other. Mhmm. It's it's one
of the the one of the foundations of
the nikah You become halal for each other.
Mhmm. You both have sexual rights,
which means that you both have sexual responsibilities.
And so, you know, taking it from the
woman's side, from the wife's side, and I
know it's not a very sexy way of
saying it and it's not very fashionable,
But the reality is that you have a
responsibility
because he has a right, therefore you have
a responsibility.
You have a responsibility
as a wife
to take care of him in that way.
Now, of course, people don't wanna hear that
because we've we've got this idea that *
should be the spontaneous thing, and that desire
should be this big passionate wave that kind
of pushes you forward. And if you don't
have that, then you're not in the mood
and you shouldn't have to do anything. Right?
And and kind of what I've
learned along the way is that
when you
understand that, okay. I want my husband to
to to to fulfill himself
in a halal way with me. Mhmm. Therefore,
I have a part to play.
What is that part? Is it
changing my mindset around *? Is it looking
at how my timetable or my list of
activities is impacting
our * life? Is it, as you say,
taking control of the factors I can control
and getting myself
into that mood so that it's a very
small bridge between us. You know what I
mean? Rather than putting all the heavy lifting
on him and say, well, show me something
then. Like, okay. You want it? Alright then.
Make it happen. You know? And then there's
kind of this this combative kind of, like,
oh, you know, I don't want to, but,
yeah, okay. Fine if we have to, you
know, type of thing. I mean, what what
do you think about that? I love that
you said that. And I I wanna say
one tip that will inshallah change,
you know, if there's a woman here listening
to this and she's feeling everything you just
said,
there's one thing that will really help and
it's going to sound
not very sexy, but it is gonna inshallah
make a difference. And that is
to schedule *.
Yes. And it sounds like, woah, you're telling
me to schedule *. Isn't * meant to
be spontaneous? No. It's meant to be.
It's this whole thing about the spontaneous design.
I mean, so who? Says who? Who says
it's meant to be spontaneous? Did Allah say
that? No. Allah never said that you can't
have * if you schedule it. Where's your
delay? Exactly. Exactly. So I'm saying schedule *
because
when we whenever you have something important,
there is you there's a time for it.
You know when that appointment is going to
be and you usually will put it in
your calendar or diary if you have one
or you'll just know that, okay, this is
the time that I meant to be doing
this appointment,
this priority.
So do the same with *, schedule it,
whether physically putting it on your calendar or
diary or and you don't you don't have
to label it as *, but it could
just be
time with my husband. You could just label
it that. Something, you know, something that you
don't care if someone else were to see
that.
And making it a regular thing that you
do. Obviously, you know, if you can't do
it for whatever reason, you know, you were
ill or you're on your period, whatever it
is fine, but you kind of have a
general regular schedule for when you have *.
And why this works for a lot of
women
is because, as I mentioned earlier, most women
experience responsive desire. So they need the right
context, need to feel safe, comfortable, they need
to feel ready mentally, physically. They need to,
be in the right context environmentally, like the
right surroundings, but also feel mentally and emotionally
in the right context. When you schedule it
and you know that, okay, I'm gonna be
having
* and intimate time with my husband
Saturday at 9 pm on a regular schedule.
And you can start there, start with like
once a week for example, except when you're
on your period. You just don't have to
do it that day.
If you know that, you know that, okay,
I'm going to be enjoying this, I'm going
to be having this time with my husband.
I want to make the most of that
time. I want to make sure it's pleasurable
for me. What do I as a woman
need to do in the days leading up
to that,
you know, Saturday at 9 p. M. What
do I as a woman need to prepare?
What can I,
communicate with my husband with regards to if,
you know, if I have kids, how can
he perhaps do bedtime that day so I
can go and have a nice bath or
go for a walk or read a book
or just have me time, whatever it is?
So do engaging in self care time before
* is really important for a woman having
time to herself before enjoying time with her
husband.
But equally
changing your mindset to see that *, is
not a chore and
* is meant to be for your pleasure
too. And * is also meant to be
your self care time with your husband.