Naima B. Robert – Advice for Muslim Women on First Time Sex @amirahzaky

What should we be preparing for on our

1st night anyway?

So it's so interesting because what we are

still seeing in the Muslim community is that

most parents are raising their children

with this narrative perhaps of

we don't talk about * in this house.

* is bad, * is shameful

and don't have * until you're married.

And then there is at the same time

this expectation that when you are married, you're

expected to have lots of *. Or you

know, if you're a girl, you're kind of

expected to give * to your husband as

if * is something to give.

But that's still the narrative. And so I

find it really interesting

when you ponder upon that, that,

you know, you're not you're not meant to

talk about *. You're not meant to learn

about *. And then when you're married, you're

meant to know everything. Know everything. Right? You're

meant to drop everything and then have *

immediately on that wedding line. So

a lot of those questions were, is intimacy

expected?

In short, the answer is yes, it's expected,

but really that isn't the right question. The

question should be,

Islamically, what does it say about are we

kind of meant to have * on that

first night? And the answer is no, you

don't have to have * on that first

night on the actual night of your wedding.

You can if you want to. And if

you feel mentally and physically ready, again, that

will come from having the right education beforehand.

But if you are newly married and you

kind of perhaps got to know your spouse

in that kind of traditional way,

you probably won't feel mentally and physically ready

on that actual night. You might want to

continue getting to know your new spouse,

before you feel mentally and physically ready to

have first time * with him or her.

So

in terms of

*, it doesn't need to be on the

actual wedding night. It can be a few

days later, a few weeks later, it could

even be a few months later. There is

nothing in Islam. There is nothing in,

you know, the Quran or the authentic sunnah

or hadith that stipulates that it must happen

by a certain day or a certain time.

There is no time limit for consummation of

the marriage. The marriage is still valid and

it really is very dependent

on the couple.

So some couples might be ready immediately and

some will need more time and none of

the like, there is no right or wrong

there. It really is. If you stop, stop

and think about

the act of * is a two way

thing.

So it doesn't make sense for just one

person to be ready because it's going to

involve another person. You're not going to have

* on your own. So it doesn't matter

if you're ready on your own. It needs

to be that the other person is ready

too. And really see * as kind of

like teamwork between you and your spouse. If

you're ready, but your spouse isn't. So let's

say, for example, the man in this context

happens to be ready mentally and physically and

really wants to have first time * with

his new wife. But the wife in this

context isn't ready. She doesn't feel mentally ready

or physically ready.

The husband should be thinking, what can I

do

to bring up my wife to my level?

I'm physically ready, mentally ready. How can I

help? What fears does she have? What does

she want to talk about,

to help prepare her? What can I do

to really support her and bring her there?

Because it is teamwork like marriages, marriages, teamwork.

And so this one part of your marriage,

* is going to need to involve teamwork

to help both of you be on the

same page and sharper.

Sounds like what you're saying is that this

education that we need is not just for

girls. This is for for guys as well.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

So if that I'm thinking the more that

a young man understands

about what we're talking about, you know, what

what the role of * is, you know,

you know, what * means for a woman,

you know, woman's pleasure, etcetera, etcetera.

I'm wondering whether that will equip him to

even have this conversation because I'm just imagining

a scenario where a boy doesn't know anything

about what we're talking about Mhmm. And his

wife is scared.

He wouldn't even have the vocabulary. You know?

He wouldn't even have

the ability

to have a conversation with her about it.

I think he would just probably feel very

sort of frustrated and rejected and and not

understand, well, why doesn't she want me? Do

you know what I mean?

Yeah. Absolutely. And this comes again from education.

I feel like,

when you asked me what do girls need

to know, I forgot to say that really

girls need to educate themselves about their bodies

and about * and about the desire for

* and how to manage their desire for

*. If you know that

they've made the decision that I want to

follow Allah's prescription for * and I want

to wait until I'm married to have *

for the first time. How do I manage

my natural desire for * that I may

have before I'm married? How do I manage

that in a healthy, hollow way? That also

applies to boys as well and to men

as well that they need to educate themselves

about their own bodies. They need to educate

themselves about how to manage their desire for

* before they're married. And they also need

to educate themselves about the experience of the

opposite * of their future wife. So

you don't just need to learn about things,

from the lens of your own gender. You

can also learn about things from the opposite

gender too. And that also applies to girls,

girls can need to understand the male sexual

anatomy, the male sexual response or desire for

*,

and know that there are different types of

desire. And this applies to males and females.

The two main types of desire, they're known

as spontaneous desire

and responsive desire.

Most people are familiar with spontaneous desire. They

may not know it has that term, but

I'll briefly explain what it is. Spontaneous desire

typically happens when you have that kind of

feeling of initial attraction perhaps towards someone or

maybe something you see an image you see

and you feel a desire, you maybe feel

a physical response within your body. And you

know that you are perhaps sexually turned on

or sexually aroused. And you desire to be

intimate sexually with someone. That is spontaneous desire

kind of happens immediately spontaneously.

The other type of desire is known as

responsive desire,

where it's very dependent

on the context the person is in. Both

types of desire spontaneous and responsive can apply

to men and women.

With responsive desire. It's not from an initial

spark or initial attraction to someone. It's someone

feeling safe, feeling comfortable, feeling relaxed,

having the right environment physically around them, but

also being in the right mental and emotional

environment. When all those things are in place,

they then respond positively to those different stimuli

and then they start to feel sexually aroused

and desire *.

So,

both girls and boys need to know that

because typically what's what we're noticing is that

females tend to experience more responsive desire

and men tend to experience more spontaneous desire.

But it is possible for women to have

spontaneous and it is possible for for men

to experience responsive. So it is definitely

fluid and dynamic. But I feel like if

boys especially and men especially understand that that

oh, my future wife

may experience more responsive desire. She may not

have the same desire where, you know, when

I look at my wife, I'm instantly attracted

and want to have * on the spot.

She may not feel that way. And if

she does experience more responsive desire, what can

I do as the husband

to give her the right stimuli, the right

environment physically, the right environment, mentally, emotionally

to help her become sexually turned on?

So that is definitely really important.

And * education is gender neutral. We need

to be teaching our boys about it, our

young men about it, just like we need

to be teaching our girls and young women

about it.

Amazing.

So

we've talked about the kind of, you know,

maybe jitters, wedding night nerves, you know, just

just the shyness, those types of things that

could potentially lead,

someone to to not feel ready,

on their at their on their first time.