Naima B. Robert – Advice for Muslim Women on First Time Sex @amirahzaky
AI: Summary ©
The negative narrative of sex in the Muslim community is addressed, with most parents raising children with this narrative and sex being a shame until married. The importance of teamwork in marriage is emphasized, along with the need for education and teamwork in marriage. The speaker discusses the roles of sex, including educating oneself about their bodies, managing their natural and responsive desire, and the need for sex education for both men and boys. The gender neutrality of sex is emphasized, along with the importance of sex education for men and boys.
AI: Summary ©
What should we be preparing for on our
1st night anyway?
So it's so interesting because what we are
still seeing in the Muslim community is that
most parents are raising their children
with this narrative perhaps of
we don't talk about * in this house.
* is bad, * is shameful
and don't have * until you're married.
And then there is at the same time
this expectation that when you are married, you're
expected to have lots of *. Or you
know, if you're a girl, you're kind of
expected to give * to your husband as
if * is something to give.
But that's still the narrative. And so I
find it really interesting
when you ponder upon that, that,
you know, you're not you're not meant to
talk about *. You're not meant to learn
about *. And then when you're married, you're
meant to know everything. Know everything. Right? You're
meant to drop everything and then have *
immediately on that wedding line. So
a lot of those questions were, is intimacy
expected?
In short, the answer is yes, it's expected,
but really that isn't the right question. The
question should be,
Islamically, what does it say about are we
kind of meant to have * on that
first night? And the answer is no, you
don't have to have * on that first
night on the actual night of your wedding.
You can if you want to. And if
you feel mentally and physically ready, again, that
will come from having the right education beforehand.
But if you are newly married and you
kind of perhaps got to know your spouse
in that kind of traditional way,
you probably won't feel mentally and physically ready
on that actual night. You might want to
continue getting to know your new spouse,
before you feel mentally and physically ready to
have first time * with him or her.
So
in terms of
*, it doesn't need to be on the
actual wedding night. It can be a few
days later, a few weeks later, it could
even be a few months later. There is
nothing in Islam. There is nothing in,
you know, the Quran or the authentic sunnah
or hadith that stipulates that it must happen
by a certain day or a certain time.
There is no time limit for consummation of
the marriage. The marriage is still valid and
it really is very dependent
on the couple.
So some couples might be ready immediately and
some will need more time and none of
the like, there is no right or wrong
there. It really is. If you stop, stop
and think about
the act of * is a two way
thing.
So it doesn't make sense for just one
person to be ready because it's going to
involve another person. You're not going to have
* on your own. So it doesn't matter
if you're ready on your own. It needs
to be that the other person is ready
too. And really see * as kind of
like teamwork between you and your spouse. If
you're ready, but your spouse isn't. So let's
say, for example, the man in this context
happens to be ready mentally and physically and
really wants to have first time * with
his new wife. But the wife in this
context isn't ready. She doesn't feel mentally ready
or physically ready.
The husband should be thinking, what can I
do
to bring up my wife to my level?
I'm physically ready, mentally ready. How can I
help? What fears does she have? What does
she want to talk about,
to help prepare her? What can I do
to really support her and bring her there?
Because it is teamwork like marriages, marriages, teamwork.
And so this one part of your marriage,
* is going to need to involve teamwork
to help both of you be on the
same page and sharper.
Sounds like what you're saying is that this
education that we need is not just for
girls. This is for for guys as well.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
So if that I'm thinking the more that
a young man understands
about what we're talking about, you know, what
what the role of * is, you know,
you know, what * means for a woman,
you know, woman's pleasure, etcetera, etcetera.
I'm wondering whether that will equip him to
even have this conversation because I'm just imagining
a scenario where a boy doesn't know anything
about what we're talking about Mhmm. And his
wife is scared.
He wouldn't even have the vocabulary. You know?
He wouldn't even have
the ability
to have a conversation with her about it.
I think he would just probably feel very
sort of frustrated and rejected and and not
understand, well, why doesn't she want me? Do
you know what I mean?
Yeah. Absolutely. And this comes again from education.
I feel like,
when you asked me what do girls need
to know, I forgot to say that really
girls need to educate themselves about their bodies
and about * and about the desire for
* and how to manage their desire for
*. If you know that
they've made the decision that I want to
follow Allah's prescription for * and I want
to wait until I'm married to have *
for the first time. How do I manage
my natural desire for * that I may
have before I'm married? How do I manage
that in a healthy, hollow way? That also
applies to boys as well and to men
as well that they need to educate themselves
about their own bodies. They need to educate
themselves about how to manage their desire for
* before they're married. And they also need
to educate themselves about the experience of the
opposite * of their future wife. So
you don't just need to learn about things,
from the lens of your own gender. You
can also learn about things from the opposite
gender too. And that also applies to girls,
girls can need to understand the male sexual
anatomy, the male sexual response or desire for
*,
and know that there are different types of
desire. And this applies to males and females.
The two main types of desire, they're known
as spontaneous desire
and responsive desire.
Most people are familiar with spontaneous desire. They
may not know it has that term, but
I'll briefly explain what it is. Spontaneous desire
typically happens when you have that kind of
feeling of initial attraction perhaps towards someone or
maybe something you see an image you see
and you feel a desire, you maybe feel
a physical response within your body. And you
know that you are perhaps sexually turned on
or sexually aroused. And you desire to be
intimate sexually with someone. That is spontaneous desire
kind of happens immediately spontaneously.
The other type of desire is known as
responsive desire,
where it's very dependent
on the context the person is in. Both
types of desire spontaneous and responsive can apply
to men and women.
With responsive desire. It's not from an initial
spark or initial attraction to someone. It's someone
feeling safe, feeling comfortable, feeling relaxed,
having the right environment physically around them, but
also being in the right mental and emotional
environment. When all those things are in place,
they then respond positively to those different stimuli
and then they start to feel sexually aroused
and desire *.
So,
both girls and boys need to know that
because typically what's what we're noticing is that
females tend to experience more responsive desire
and men tend to experience more spontaneous desire.
But it is possible for women to have
spontaneous and it is possible for for men
to experience responsive. So it is definitely
fluid and dynamic. But I feel like if
boys especially and men especially understand that that
oh, my future wife
may experience more responsive desire. She may not
have the same desire where, you know, when
I look at my wife, I'm instantly attracted
and want to have * on the spot.
She may not feel that way. And if
she does experience more responsive desire, what can
I do as the husband
to give her the right stimuli, the right
environment physically, the right environment, mentally, emotionally
to help her become sexually turned on?
So that is definitely really important.
And * education is gender neutral. We need
to be teaching our boys about it, our
young men about it, just like we need
to be teaching our girls and young women
about it.
Amazing.
So
we've talked about the kind of, you know,
maybe jitters, wedding night nerves, you know, just
just the shyness, those types of things that
could potentially lead,
someone to to not feel ready,
on their at their on their first time.