Naima B. Robert – Advice for Muslim wives and Single Mothers Part Two #accountability
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AI: Transcript ©
I'm just gonna invite sister Naima again.
Sorry about
that,
I've invited her.
Okay. I've invited you, sister Naima, again.
Let's see if it works. Perfect.
So, like, sorry.
My No. No. No. Instagram was like, that's
enough for today. That's enough. Enough.
It was long. It was a long one.
Hour where it stops? I think so. Yeah.
I think so.
You know, sis,
I think
my ideas on a lot of things have
changed, as you know,
right, over the past 2 years, I'd say.
You know, my ideas on marriage,
of what makes a good marriage, on divorce,
on, you know, who should go and get
divorced and who should stay and make it
work.
You know, the thing is, again,
who feels it knows it. I think sisters
who are on the other side of a
marriage,
who are now single and are looking to
get married,
I think they
if they are looking, especially using apps and
stuff like that, they'll know that it's like
the Wild West out here. It really, really
is.
And
wives who are married, especially married to the
father of their children,
you are protected.
Right? You're protected from much more than you
even know. I think a lot of us
as women, we
underestimate
the benefits that we enjoy,
as being being married,
and we we almost fetishize kind of what's
on the other side of that, especially when
you're having trouble in your marriage. Right? Yeah.
When things are are not going that great,
when you're having challenges,
it can be so easy to think, you
know what? I could just end this, and
I'll be happy. I'll be free. I wouldn't
have to deal with him anymore. I wouldn't
have to deal with his mom. You know?
Like, I can just I could just be
free. And once I'm free from this situation,
I'll be happy. Right? Yeah. Well, look.
I'm here to tell you, and this is
my message. No. No. No. No. I'm not
playing games with anybody here
because literally It's terrible.
I'm telling
every sister
who is married to a decent man,
not even a good man, not a great
man. A decent man who's committed to you
and he's doing his best,
you better love that man. You better love
that man. You better cherish that man. You
better be grateful for that man, and you
better do the work needed to make your
marriage work. Because,
like I said,
we all go through challenges.
And there's no
couple that you can see that's been together
for over 10 years that has not been
through some kind of challenge. And even more,
the ones that have been together 20, 30
years, you know that they've been through some
stuff. Right? Yeah. The thing is, a lot
of us make decisions
when we're going through the trial. Right? And
And we we let's call it what it
is.
We we lose patience,
and we give up.
Right? Yeah. And
all I'm saying
is you may feel
that that will be the ease in that
moment.
But the reality is
what comes
after it is not the ease you think.
There may be ease in one aspect in
that you don't have to deal with this
individual anymore, and now that kind of bag
and forth
is no longer
breaking that family unit,
sis.
Wallahi.
Oh, man.
I I wonder
if we were to ask
women
to be honest,
women who opted out of their homes. Right?
Not talking about women who were
women who opted out of their homes. They
they were married to you know how many
sisters now will say,
my husband's a good man, but I don't
love him.
My husband's a good man, amazing father, but
x y zed.
And that but,
that's what they focus on.
That's what they think about. That's what they
ponder over. That's what they allow
to define their life. Likes to work like
that where he just amplifies that in your
way. Shaitan is all over this ummah, sis.
Shaitan is all over this ummah because us
as women, because of those high expectations that
I spoke about, we find a lot of
buts.
So even though he's a good man, he
respects
He's not the your sister's like, let's keep
it up. It's not enough. Why?
He doesn't do this. He doesn't do that.
We don't share this. We don't share that.
He doesn't see this about me. I've been
there. That's the reason I can say this
and I can speak so honestly about it.
I've been there. I've been that ungrateful wife.
That's the fact. You see, when the prophet
gives us hadith about ungrateful wives, of course,
we get triggered and we don't wanna hear
it, and it's like
but I've been there, and maybe many of
the readers have been there.
What is an ungrateful wife? An ungrateful wife
is the one whose husband is doing all
his things that he's supposed to do, but
something happens. I've never seen any good from
you. Yeah. You forget everything. Forget everything. And
he's not like that guy over there. He's
not like that husband over there. He's not
like the man of my dreams. And, actually,
he wasn't he wasn't my type. And, actually,
I never thought my life was gonna be
like this. And, actually, I thought I was
gonna be better than this, and I thought
my life was gonna be.
Sis, it's old stuff that you made up
in your head. Come on now.
I've done all that, but I'm I'm I
think I'm over it now, like, that I'm
on 43.
I'm glad you said this is. I'm very
glad you said this. I wanna tell you
something. I I have a sister that was
divorced, and now she's not anymore. She's married.
I I remember that she played the pivotal
because I feel like every relationship, like you
said, you see, like, with the time, like,
there's the 7 year 7 year itch. There's
like, there's always the the problems that you
go through, so I'm, like, not revealing any
secrets. I know, like, many friends and and
acquaintances that have gone through that. But I
I remember that that sister gave me different
perspective
hardship because she has that perspective. So I
feel like it's really important,
to have friends and, you know, family members
around you that when you have a problem
I feel us women, we need to talk
and we need to vent
sometimes.
So I feel it's really, really important if
you want to,
have, like, you know, a healthy marriage to
have
people around you as well who give you
good advice because Yeah. And who don't, like,
you know, egg you on of, like, yeah.
Yeah. He's terrible.
He's whatever. Because I feel like, you know,
I remember you talked about these TikToks, but,
yeah, they're everywhere. You know? Men are bad.
Men are they're not. You know? I he
does this. He does that. Like, you know,
we point out the things that we hate.
He doesn't clean. He doesn't do that. He
doesn't do whatever.
Yep. It's it's it's again this Yeah. Expectations.
Right? And, you know, not to say that
I'm not out here saying that these men
can't be annoying. Of course, they can.
They can be annoying. They can be lazy.
They can have character flaws. Okay? This this
no one is discounting the fact of that.
But what I'm saying is
so do you.
So do you.
This is the thing about
and the thing is that these poor husbands,
they just put up with us.
Manish, they just put up with us. You
know? She's going crazy on that thing again.
Oh, you know, she's got this latest craze,
whatever, whatever that.
You know, they just put up with us.
Right? And they I I find that men,
their expectations are very low,
much lower than ours. And I say this
in the sense that they'll have
a handful of things that are crucial for
them. So you may have a husband who
he can't stand a messy house. Right? That's
his thing.
You may have a husband who doesn't like,
like, you know, to, arguing back and forth.
Right? That's his thing. You may have a
husband who is, you know, very on time,
and he likes things to be very punctual.
That's his thing. They usually have, like, a
handful of things.
And after that, it's like,
whatever. Right? Most men. Not all of them.
But I think most men. Anyway, people can
say in the comments if if that's true
or not. My point is this.
And and this is my message. To you,
Jenna, and to every woman out there who
is married to the father of her children,
and she has a decent man who is
committed to her and is doing the best
that he can for her family. Right? For
for their family.
My message is,
don't you dare be the one to break
that home.
Don't you dare.
Don't you dare be the one to problematize
the marriage
by your high expectations,
to problematize this man because he's not like
the fantasy fantasy in your head,
to make an issue where there's no issue.
Please, Arjukum,
I'm begging you.
Because you may think that dealing with picking
up his
socks or making sure that there's food ready
when he comes home or, like, helping pay
bills, you may think that this is such
a huge issue. You can't deal with it
anymore. And, like, my whole life's like this.
Seriously? Like, oh my god. Wasn't I made
for more than this?
Trust me I apologize for blogging because I
say all these things
guilty.
Trust me. Stop it.
Just stop.
Stop saying those things and lean into what's
great about your marriage, what's great about this
man. And you know what?
Get humble with it.
And I'm saying this as a woman. I
know we don't like to be told anymore
to be humble. But when you have humility,
this is it for me.
Right? Again, going back to that single mom
conversation. Right? Many of us overvalue ourselves.
Right? We overvalue our worth as a wife.
And maybe as a mother, not so much.
Mothers are just full of guilt.
Mothers are guilty, and they never feel that
they're doing good enough. But with wives, interestingly
enough, wives very rarely have that same guilt.
Right? We don't really
okay. You know, I feel as well because
because, like, we have this idea,
you know, that we're like, they're more in
control. I feel there's that idea of of
feeling the the power struggle
where we feel like they have more power
that they're always If if we feel that
they have more power, which they do,
why do we not submit to that? Why
do we not then strive to please them?
Why do we not feel like, am I
doing enough? We don't. And I think that
that's because of the society that we live
in. Right? So so being a wise society,
I cooked, didn't I? You know? Like, I
did that, didn't I? Isn't that good enough?
Anyway,
I'm not I'll be trying to make wife
feel guilty. Right? But what I'm and and
they shouldn't feel guilty. What you should do
is you should just do your very best
for this man. And, again,
going back to,
we're going back to this the situation of
being a single mom. Right? For some of
you
who are maybe going through a challenge or
maybe just fed up yeah. Let's just say
maybe just fed up.
I know that for some of you, you
fantasize about being on your own,
and you you imagine
him not being around anymore. And the vision
in your head is, I'm free of him.
I don't have to deal with x y
zed anymore, his mother his mother, you know,
his bad *, whatever the case may be.
Right? I don't have to deal with him
anymore.
Now I can be happy. Now I can
live my purpose. Now I can do what
I wanted to do all along x y
zed. And what I'm here to tell you
is it's just a fantasy in your head.
That's not the reality.
Okay? And
chances are and, of course, I can't say
that that this is the case for everyone.
But chances are,
you are paying more attention to what's not
right right now than what is right. You're
paying more attention to the price you're paying
to be in the marriage than to what
you're gaining from the marriage. Right? Because a
lot of sisters let's take the husbands for
granted.
They take it for granted.
If you have and this is I'm gonna
say this just in one aspect. If you
have a man, like I said, who is
treats you decently,
Yeah? Meaning, he doesn't abuse you. He doesn't
do weird stuff. He's not crazy. He's just
decent. He's just a normal person with you.
Right?
And he's devoted to your family. He's committed,
and he's doing his best to look after
you. Right? This is who we're talking about
here.
Yep. Because, like, someone just said, if he's
cheating or abusive, of course, we're not speaking.
Always That's what we're not talking about. Disclaimer.
We're not talking about abusive relationships. We're not
talking about anything to do, like, with cheating
or, you know, he doesn't write. Actually. It's
we're not talking about that. But it's interesting.
And, again, we don't have data, so we
are assuming a lot of things. Right?
Online,
if you listen to people talking online,
the impression that we get is that all
these Muslim men are terrible husbands.
They're terrible.
They're terrible. Right?
For all sorts of reasons. Wehish. Wehchin. Kolom.
Right?
For all sorts of reasons. Like the sister
just mentioned. What if he's cheating? What if
he's abusive? Narcissistic?
This that, this that, this that. Right?
This is what we hear online.
Now, again, I don't claim to have data
on this. I don't have data.
All I can ask everyone to do is
to look at the families that they know,
right,
and take a temperature.
So, Jenna, if you think about all the
people that you know,
how many of them have a decent marriage?
I don't know what your answer would be.
In some communities, I'm sure it would be
like, forget it. Like, none of them. Like,
they're I have a lot.
I have a lot of decent marriages that
I that I know around me. So you
have a lot of decent marriages. When I'm
here in Egypt, I look at all my
friends. They've all been married
over 15 years on their way to 20
years.
When I think about the families that I
know when I lived in England,
20 years marriage, 25 years, going on to
30 years marriage. Decent. Yeah. Does that mean
they don't have problems? Of course not. No.
But are they decent, and are they
performing the role that they're supposed to perform,
which is
to have a stable
unit in which to raise the next generation?
The answer is yes.
Because right now, I'll be honest with you,
the marriage conversation with Naomi Robert, right, is
a YouTube series that's coming out next year
next year. It launches on the weekend. And
so I've got a chance to talk to
lots of different people as part of season
1.
And one of the brothers really he said
some stuff, Moawiya.
He said some stuff that really
it was like a paradigm shift because we
are so used to talking about marriage, right,
as a personal relationship that we have with
our husband, with our spouse. Okay? And, of
course, we know there's the emotional aspect. There's
the physical aspect in that. No one is
discounting that. That. But what he said and
what I, you know, what I now
am leaning into is a marriage is more
than just you guys'
When you guys got married and you committed
to bringing children into the world,
this is now the institution.
It is this legacy that the 2 of
you are working to build.
That is the most important thing. It's not
you too, adults, and how you feel.
It's this next generation.
Can
you build a stable
home
to raise the next generation of Muslims?
If the answer is yes, I bet go
work it out.
Do whatever you need to do. Go to
therapy. Get counseling.
Change yourself.
Make dua, make istighfar,
ask him to forgive you, ask her to
forgive you, whatever the case may be. But
those children
that are the flesh of your flesh and
the blood of your blood, the 2 of
you, that is your legacy. And the thing
is,
I look at it this way, and
directly to now. Right?
And
for whatever reason
oh, yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I think I got
dropped.
So so I'm so as I said, I'm
speaking directly to you, Jenna, and to other
sisters who are in the same position as
you, who are married to the father of
their children, and things are are decent, are
normal. And remember that our version of normal
has been corrupted.
We think a normal relationship is what we
see on Instagram, right, or what we see
on the latest Netflix series, and it's not.
It's got nothing to do with that. Right?
If you wanna see normal relationships, let's try
looking a generation or 2 ago at people
who had a sense of
duty and loyalty and responsibility
and were not in their feelings all the
time.
Because this is bigger than you their feelings
is is a is a big big thing
I feel now. Yes. It's bigger than you,
Jenna. This marriage is bigger than you, and
it's bigger than your husband now because you
have children. And this is your legacy. And,
you know, like I said, when you're going
through those challenges,
many sisters may fantasize about the single life
and fantasize about a time when they don't
have to deal with this guy and his
problems anymore. And what I'm saying is that
that image that you have
is likely
nothing to do with the reality
because you haven't
taken into account all the other good things
that are in your life because of this
man, that you will lose
when he is no longer in your life.
Right? And so that's why so many sisters,
they get a divorce.
And the 1st year, they're like, I don't
wanna get married again. I don't want a
man. No. I don't no way. No way.
Because they're traumatized. Right? In their head, they
were just traumatized by that experience. I could
never. I could never.
Unfortunately
unfortunately,
the way that Allah has created us, we
start to crave companionship.
And physically, there is there is a big
issue there as well. Right? And it's exhausting
being a single parent.
It is exhausting
to be the only parent. Exhausting as well,
like, to not be able to go and
not like, you know, and and and, you
know, have someone to share
the problem with it as well. So, like,
we have to appreciate that as well. 100%,
sis. 100%.
It's all the the the the the responsibility
is on you.
The the the the kids need you to
be at a 100%. And, you know, it's
tough. That's why single moms, you know, in
general, we don't like to talk badly about
them because we know how tough it is.
Right? We know how tough it is. So
so so, you know, and like like I
said, I've been there. So I know it's
very, very tough,
especially if financially, you're you have sole responsibility.
It's tough. Right? Yeah. Of course, you weren't
thinking about this when you were in the
marriage.
Because in the marriage, you were obsessed with
the idea that he's not the one for
you, that it's not right, that he needs
to do more x, y, z, that I
need to have more That's what you were
obsessed with then.
Now you're on the other side.
You've broken the home, Right? You've you've breached
this this this bond that you guys had
caused. You can't go back for whatever reason.
Now you're in this situation, and a year
later, you're thinking, you know what? I need
to find someone.
Now you're on the apps.
Okay.
Now you're on the apps,
and you realize,
oh my god. This is
this is
trash.
This is a trashy out,
and then he says no for whatever reason
or he's a weirdo. Out, and then he
says no for whatever reason, or he's a
weirdo and this and that and that.
And trust me, I'm telling you this, Jenna,
because you don't know,
because you're a wife and you're married, and
it's not your business. Right? But for all
of you wives out there who think that
there's better out there,
sadly, I'm here to tell you that
it could be that you're fantasizing about a
life that really is not a reality. And
people who are on the other side of
the marriage,
their lives our our lives can be very,
very difficult and very tumultuous.
And the it's it it impacts us, and
it impacts the kids. So all I'm saying
is
mind your marriage.
Guard your marriage with your life.
Okay? Don't throw it away.
And, again, you know,
so so sisters are divorcing.
What's this? R. Like, I couldn't see them
all. Anyway, I probably made it Yeah.
So sisters are divorcing good men and then
finding they have to settle for someone way
worse.
The thing is how you know? Yeah. Exactly.
And this whole situation, I mean, if I
hear and thing is, Jenna, the problem is,
for me, I feel like a hypocrite because
I've said this.
He was a good man, but just not
for me. And, subhanallah, let me tell you
this this, this I haven't shared this publicly
before. Jenna gets all the tea.
Jenna gets all the tea. And I'm gonna
make a video about this, but I remember
when I was looking,
I met a brother on, one of these
apps, and we had our first phone conversation.
And he asked, you know, the usual question,
which is, you know, why didn't it work
out with your ex?
Now the thing is that my ex didn't
do anything
wrong. Right? So Mhmm. I just said,
he was a good man.
He he loved my kids. My kids see
him as a father figure,
but he just wasn't the person for me.
And the brother said,
so you mean to tell me that this
brother married you and took on your kids
and was like a dad to them?
I said, yeah. He was like, sis.
Sis. I was like,
excuse
me.
What?
And he said,
you shouldn't have done that, sis.
You shouldn't have done that.
Now, of course, I was beyond offended.
Right? Because how very dare you,
who I don't even know. Right? Tell me
that I should not have done x, y,
and zed. Right? At the time, of course,
I was like
but I understand what he was saying.
Because
to find a man who
loves you
and takes on your kids and actually loves
them, you know, that's not it's they're from
Allah, really. It's not something that you can
force or fake. Right?
To to have that
and then to be so in your feelings
that you walk away and you don't even
try,
I don't know whether Allah will ask me
and question me about that. You know? And
the thing is, even if it was okay
in the sight of Allah, I can tell
you honestly,
even though I was happier outside the marriage,
the price that was paid by everybody
I can't make it up to my dad,
who lost a son-in-law. I can't make it
up to, you know, our families and the
whole ecosystem that was built around this family.
I can't make
it up to them. I'm just saying this
to you because I have no ego in
the game. If people wanna call me a
hypocrite, fine. If people wanna flame me and
say, oh, she's telling sisters not to do
x y zed but she did it herself.
The reason I'm saying this is because I
I see
the error of my ways,
and I would rather you hear it from
me. And if you lose respect for me,
but at least you've heard it because this
is not something that you hear people talking
about. You hear people saying, I divorced him,
and then I was free, and then I
was happy. And then, you know, like, life
was so much better. And, you know, here
I am. I'm rising from the ashes like
a phoenix and all of this stuff. And
the thing is, it may be true for
you as an individual,
but likelihood of it being the truth for
your children
and true for his children and true for
him,
it's not usually like that. It's not that
pretty.
That's what I'm saying.
I can't believe you said that actually. That
yep. I feel like it's it's really important
that we take the ego out of things.
If we take the ego out of things,
we can we can see things clearly.
It's always our And put Allah first. You
know? Put Allah first and put Ashira first.
You know? We're so unfortunately,
we're so,
like,
consumed by this dunya and happiness in this
dunya. Right? We're so consumed by that that
it clouds our judgment.
You know? And it it it it makes
it difficult for us to see things the
way they truly are. Instead, we have this
kind of fantasy in our minds, and we
get obsessed with that fantasy, and we start
to make decisions from that place.
But, you know.
One,
one brother, I think his name is Kari
Mohammed. He said women have every right to
be with the right person in her right
it it is it is her right in
Islam.
We're we're not talking What? Like, of of
What does that mean?
Like, basically, we we have the right to
to be with the person we think is
right for us. Yes. That's true.
But I know, like,
you know, when you say you break
the marriage and the kids,
one, I think, Sheikha gave me that advice
once and it just it's stuck in my
head that every time a marriage is broken
in Islam,
Shaikan is celebrating.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. We know that. Because he
broke the yeah. So he broke a family.
The kids,
of course, they can be the best kids
ever, but their chances have have become less.
You know? They're they come from broken home.
Statistically, it's nobody can argue with those at
all. No. At all. And even sis, you
know what? Again, I don't know what the
brother actually means. I wish you could clarify
his statement because I don't understand what that
means. Yeah. But, you know, even if
you, as a single mom, you would try
your best. Okay?
It's very difficult. And, again, this is not
a single mom thing. This is a single
parent thing. Because if you're a single dad,
you're gonna face the same issue.
To be
to play the role of both parents
in one is very, very difficult.
Aside from all the other things of, you
know, time management and and and you being
able to kind of give the children what
they need and take them here and take
them there, all of that, which you are
now kind of handling on your own. Right?
Aside from that, there is this lack of
polarity in the household. There's a lack of
polarity in the household.
So
as a as a woman, and it could
be this could be my personal experience, and
it could not it could not apply to
anybody. You know? If
if it doesn't apply to you, then just
keep, you know, keep it moving. It's fine.
What I what I think is, you know,
I
anyway,
I'm not gonna go down this road because
then we're gonna start talking about something completely
different. But I don't I'm gonna drag you
down. Yeah. There I go. I would no.
But I would because I said to my
friend yesterday we're talking about this. Right? And
we're talking about, you know, people,
us women,
not really appreciating the value of having a
man in your life. Right? A a decent
man. And, again, sisters, I'm not even saying
a great man, a good man, your soulmate,
aya hagger. Just a decent man who is
respectable,
respectful, and he's committed to you, and he's
trying his best. That's it. Right? Yeah. So
I said to her,
you know, I think a lot of us
don't appreciate
how much having
a husband
keeps you in check.
She was like, what do you mean keep
you in check? What are you talking about?
So I said, okay. Here in Egypt, we
have, a a, like, a trend
of women in their late thirties
asking for a divorce, getting a divorce,
and then just going wild. Right? Take off
the hijab, the in the club. You know,
they're just, like, living their best life. Right?
Now
the story that is told is, you see,
that's who she really was. That's who she
really wanted to be. Masha'Allah. Now she can
be happy and be free and be herself.
When she was married to him, he was
controlling her. You know, he didn't let her
be herself. He didn't let her be free.
So that story paints her as the hero
in the narrative. Right? And it paints her
on the other side of the divorce as
the happily ever after.
But my question to my friend was,
in the eyes of Allah,
was she better off with that husband who
kept her in check
or without the husband, wild and free in
the society?
In which in which state is she more
pleasing to Allah from the outside?
Yeah.
So she said so I said to her,
if you wanted to leave the house in
a pair of tight jeans,
would your husband be cool with that? She
says, no. So so keeping you in check.
If,
the kids if you ordered McDonald's
every day for 2 weeks, would your husband
have something to say about that? She said,
yeah. He would. I said, it's keeping you
in check.
And then she kind of understood what I
was saying. You know? And she was like,
okay. I get it. You know? It's it's
a checks and balances system, right, where
we're not perfect.
We're not perfect.
Not only we have A lot of testers
are saying, please tell us what to do.
Tell tell single moms what to do. First,
I just wanna do a disclaimer. I'm saying
a secret word every now and again. If
you figured out what the secret word is,
DM.
DM us and tell us what the secret
word is, and there's gonna be a winner
of the, VIP ticket for Naema's event. So
if you hear a word that I repeat,
like, that
is gonna be, like, inserted in the conversation,
tell me if you figure out what the
secret word is. I better stop listening for
this word. Guys, don't forget to take your
free tickets to the Secrets of Successful Wives
conference starting on Friday.
Link is in my bio.
So, yeah, like, basically, like like, a lot
of the sisters are saying, like, the is
is there gonna be a solution when when
you're actually doing this conference?
Oh, yes. Definitely,
I mean, there's gonna be so many gems,
I think, dropped, you know, by all the
speakers in all the different arenas.
But what I would say, if we're going
back to our initial conversation about single moms,
like, what's the solution?
Like I said, it's about making yourself the
best option that you can. Right? Making yourself,
in terms of what you bring to the
table,
bring the very best that you can to
the table. Okay?
So, yes, I have
these responsibilities.
I have this situation,
which, as we talked about before,
is less than ideal. However,
on the flip side,
this is who I am, and this is
what I will bring to the marriage. Right?
And if you can, at least sisters,
stop saying things like, I don't cook.
I don't like cleaning.
Right?
You know, I don't wanna do this, and
I don't wanna do that. You would be
shocked at how many sisters will
say, I've been married twice. I've got 4
children.
You know, I'm looking for a man who
will be a provider, but I don't cook
and I don't clean, and I have, like,
you know, it turns out that she's got,
like, how many 1,000 in debt and all
of this stuff. Right? But she expects to
get the best quality guy.
And I'm like, sis,
Is
this real?
Yes. No. This is real. This is this
is 100% real. So these these sisters who,
and again again, we are this is anecdotal.
Right? So if it doesn't apply to you,
no problem. But these are true stories.
So true
story. Sisa's been married once or twice. I
think she had, like, 3 children.
She
was in a lot of debt, but she
kept pushing on this point of,
my husband should fulfill his Islamic obligations.
Code words,
I need you to come and pay my
bills, brother. Okay. Sugar daddy is to come
pay my bills. What is that? What is
that?
TikTok? Because people will say people will say,
well, that's her right, Islamically, right, for him
to pay her bills. No problem.
Demand what you like. However,
if you also
do not wear
hijab,
smoke weed occasionally,
swear like a sailor,
right, and have no housewifey skills at all,
what on earth makes you think that you
get to demand
the Islamic rights that you that you that
you're expecting? Do you see what I'm saying?
Can you see why that sister
is not doing herself any favors?
Because she's actually putting out that I'm not
a I'm not wife's material.
So if you are a single mom, please,
sis, do the work on your life that
can make your life as as as stable
as possible and your children as stable as
possible. And then you yourself
try to be as stable as possible. So
if you've got trauma from your marriage,
please get help. Okay? Get therapy. Have counseling.
Move on from that chapter, and then
understand what it is to be a wife
and to to to be wife material in
terms of the skills and in terms of
the characteristics. Come to the conference because I'm
gonna be talking about that. But, really, if
because the thing is for most people, if
you are agreeable
and reasonable
and he's attracted to you,
he'll take into account those other things. And
if he can manage them, it's a yes.
But if you're disagreeable,
if you're unreasonable,
if you come across as entitled and argumentative
and like you're better than everybody else, then
no man's gonna want you. You know what
I'm saying? It's like you either want to
be picked and chosen or you don't.
And a lot of the things that I've
seen, it's like, sis, do you really wanna
find a husband?
Like, because the way you're portraying yourself is
this combative,
argumentative,
kind of like, I don't do this and
I don't do that and I don't want
this and I, you know, not interested in
a brother who did that and if you
have
and this is like, okay. But
that's not a very good advertisement.
Yeah.
Okay.
I think that's what I would say.
Yeah. I think you cut off a little
bit because I just, charged my phone. It's
gonna turn off. But, yeah. So, like, this
is why it's important to attend,
Naima's,
he's he's gonna speak all about hubbies, wives,
single moms,
and all the
all the all the all the good details
are there on the 3 day live. And
then
Guys, there's only one panel on single moms.
Okay? It's on the Sunday, I believe. But
go to the website so you can see
all the other topics and all the other
speakers, Insha'Allah, because there will be, I think,
something for everyone. And I think that this
is an ongoing conversation.
You know, the whole issue of single moms
is not going to be solved in 1
or 2 podcasts.
You know, it's it's a work in progress.
I think my main message is, sisters, we
need to be realistic.
There's nothing wrong with being realistic.
Being realistic doesn't have to make you feel
bad. It should just ground you in reality.
That's it. And then you make decisions
from a a place
of realism
rather than idealism.
Right? Where you're in the real world and
you're kind of aware of how things work
rather than in fantasy land thinking I should
have this and I should have that and
I should have this. Because remember what I
said, it's the gap between the expectations and
the reality.
That's where the unhappiness
is.
You know what I mean?
So many of us want so many things
from our spouse.
And sometimes it's too much. Bottom line, it's
too much. And we need to lower and,
again, even lowering expectations
is almost, like, triggering for people because, you
know, I need to settle.
Yes. Yes.
Settle for a good man.
Settle for a decent relationship. Settle for a
stable home. It's okay to settle.
That is called being an adult, being mature,
being realistic,
have it, it never lasts because that's not
real. It's Hollywood. It's Disney.
Yeah? So not to say that in your
marriage, there will not be times of joy.
There will not be times of happiness. But
to expect joy and happiness and connection 247
for 15 years? Come on.
This is an unrealistic
expectation. It's hurting us.
Yes. And and I feel like, you know,
with the whole idea, women can do every
anything. We don't need a man. It's always
like it's whether we like it or not,
it's all around us, and,
we really need to get out of that
mentality because it will help us
to to You can you can do it
all, sis, but you will burn out
because I'm not doing it. No. No. No.
You can do it all. But you will
burn out. This is the reality that they
don't tell you on the other side of
it. No one is saying sisters are not
capable.
We know that sisters are capable. Right? But
does any sister actually voluntarily
say, I'm going to do it all?
I want to be everything. The man, the
woman, the husband, the wife, the the the
father, the mother. No. Because we know that
that's unrealistic expectation of ourselves. Right? So, yes,
you're capable
of of holding down a job. You're capable
of raising your kids on your
own.
You're capable of paying bills. You're capable of
doing all of these things. But trust me,
there's a price to pay for that.
And you will never be a you know,
do you understand? Like, you can't give a
100 percent to everything. There's no way. So
even, masha'Allah,
you know, sisters who work outside the home,
right, of some people work is a necessity.
Some people work because they want to have
a certain lifestyle. You know, people make different
decisions. Or because they studied for this and
they wanna have that career, whatever. Yeah.
The way the world works,
there's a price to pay.
Yeah. Just be aware of that. Just don't
think you can have it all, because that's
the thing that can't run. You can't have
it all. You can be capable of taking
care of everything, but you can't have it
all. Because if you're working for example, you
have 2 parents working,
right, in in good careers, which, of course,
all our parents always say is the ideal
scenario. Right? You know, you marry you have
a good degree, and you have a good
career and you marry someone with a good
degree and need a good career, to of
you. Because financially,
it helps the family for you know, helps
you to raise your standard of living, blah
blah blah. But who's paying the price for
that?
The children.
Yeah.
But we've it's like we've I I feel
like it's so like, you know, you will
be, like, get in trouble, like, you know,
in the western world for saying that.
But,
like, if we talk about it from pure
business, if, let's say, now I get promoted
to become a CEO,
my to do list becomes bigger.
So if it's any role, like, you just
look at it and you see the to
do list or you're like, oh, okay. So
I am taking off on this job, so
there's gonna be a bigger to do list.
But if you say it, a woman,
because she's a mom, shouldn't try to go,
like, you know, for a full time job
if she doesn't have to
because it's better for the children, then this
is where the society will tell you, what?
You're saying that about women? Equal rights, women
rights, all that, all that. But if you
actually just think about it, gender neutral, not
not talking about genders, talking about, like, like,
taking on a job, it's really hard. And
like you said, you're gonna burn out, and
someone's gonna pay the price. And, usually, it's
the children because you're not seeing them. Yeah.
Yeah. And the thing is, you know, we
we what we do is we end up
outsourcing
the next generation
to child minders, to babysitters,
to day care, to school, whatever the case
may be. And, you know,
society tells us
it's a woman's choice.
Every woman should be free to make her
choice. And the thing is, as an individual,
Allah has given us free will. You can
do whatever you like. However Yeah.
What society doesn't tell you is that that
choice has consequences.
They don't ever talk about that. All they
do is say, it's your choice. It's your
choice. It's your choice. You can't curtail a
woman's choice. It's a woman's choice. You can
do whatever she wants.
The reality is that every choice has a
consequence. And they never talk about the consequences
of our choices. Right? They just tell you
you've got choice. Go ahead. Do whatever you
want. But they don't talk about the consequences.
So it's up to us to kind of
see beyond the marketing hype. Right? And actually
take stock and say, what are the consequences?
And am I happy with them?
Can I accept to pay this price for
the choice that I've made? If you are
happy to pay the price, more power to
you. If you're not happy to pay it,
you may want to reconsider your choice. But
just make the choice with an o with
open eyes rather than thinking, I'm gonna make
a choice. Everything's gonna be fine. You know,
everyone's gonna be fine. Like, there will be
no price to pay. There's no disadvantages to
this. Everything is good. It's gonna be amazing.
That's not life. That's just fantasy.
100%.
I love that you keep it real.
And and you're like, you you hit it.
Like like you said, you use trigger words,
which I feel like sometimes
we need that, you know, in the face
where You know do you know what it
is? I think I think it's because I
I'm like, I'm sick of everybody being triggered
by stuff all the time. It's just a
word, and it means what it means. And,
hopefully, I'm hoping people become desensitized to it.
No. For real. Because when you first hear
it, because it's triggering something,
you're you're getting upset. It's it's it's evoking
an emotional response. Right? And I'm hoping that
you just become desensitized to it. And I'm
hoping that people don't get retriggered
because it's like, well, what is it that
is the issue here? What what is what
is it? And the thing is what people
must understand as well.
Let when we have a visceral emotional response
to somebody else's words or their actions,
the reality is it's,
it's a red flag,
but it's not a red flag about that
person.
It's a red flag about you.
It's triggering something in you. Now your work
is, what is it triggering?
What is it that is in me that
is making me respond like this? Because a
word is just a word. Right? If it's
there could be some psychological damage there. There
could be some trauma there. There could be
some societal conditioning. There could be any number
of things. Right? There could be just mishearing.
Right? But that's your work. So that's what
you now are alerted to to say, oh,
okay. Uh-uh. I'm feeling some kinda way here.
What is it? What's coming up for me?
What are the thoughts and the feelings and
emotions that are coming up for me? Where
are they coming from? That's your own work.
That that's all that it is. It's not
a red flag about the person. Oh, the
person said such and such. Now they are
an issue. No. Because other people
heard the same word
and had no response.
Or they actually heard the same thing and
were like, yeah. That makes a lot of
sense.
Because for them, there was no trigger. Right?
Mhmm. But for you, there is a trigger.
So the note now with the case is,
you know,
what's coming up for me? What is it?
Do I feel like she's targeting me? Do
I feel like this is, you know, going
to my insecurities?
You know, is this something that I've secretly
thought that I haven't voiced before? You know,
it does this sound like misogyny? It what
is it that's coming up for you? Whatever
it is, it's with you. So you're the
one who needs to kind of discover what
that thing is. You know? And it could
be
that you disagree with me,
and that's fine.
Because all I'm saying is my opinion based
on what I know of this life and
this deen and and my experiences, and I've
said this before.
My,
my stance on things is shaped by who
I am and what I've been through. Right?
So for example,
right,
I can easily say to wives,
stick to those marriages with the father of
your children. And you make it work, girl.
Yeah. I can easily say that. That. Why?
Because I was married to the father of
my children before he returned to Allah,
and it was a good marriage. It was
a decent marriage. We did well together.
And, you know, if he hadn't passed away,
I would still be married to him today.
Interestingly enough, I wouldn't have the insights to
share with you that I do now because
I would have been that privileged
wife in my castle, not knowing anything about
the world outside. Right? Anyway, alhamdulillah.
My point is I
have not had trauma.
So I can say this type of thing
from a place of authenticity
and and sincerely mean it. Right?
Somebody else who was married to the father
of their children
and went through some kind of trauma with
him, whatever it was,
she cannot say what I'm saying from a
place of, you know, like, authenticity
because that's not her lived experience.
That's not her position. Her position is
something different maybe.
Make sure x, y,
zed. Or the first time he hits you,
boom. You know, whatever. You know? But it's
shaped by
her lived experience. So her position is gonna
be a result of everything that she's experienced
so far. I can talk to you know,
I can I can speak to the traditional
model of family where the man is a
provider and the woman looks after the home,
who takes the majority of that responsibility?
And I will speak for that, and I
will speak for early marriage, and I will
speak pro polygyny. I will speak for all
of that because I haven't been personally traumatized
by any of that. There will be listeners
and viewers who have been
traumatized by any one of those situations.
Maybe they got married early and they married
a narcissist. Okay? And they had lived 3
years of *. Of course, that sister is
not gonna speak for early marriage because her
experience of early marriage was a negative one.
Do you see what the point that I'm
making?
That's so true.
That is so true because we all see
it from our lens.
Right. So if I talk about submitting to
your
being a supportive wife Yeah. And and, you
know, kind of playing your part and playing
your role
is because I've been in that place. It
worked well for
me. Somebody else who was married maybe to
a tyrant, okay, she's never gonna tell sisters,
be submissive to your husband. She's never gonna
go around telling people to obey your husband
because
her experience of that was a negative experience.
Does that make sense? Yep.
100%.
Wow. That's that's enlightening, actually. Yeah. Because I
feel like now,
when you talk, when you had that video
before on YouTube and you had like, now
your opinion has changed
because you
went through experiences and you've learned that it's
not the way, and you've seen it through
your
acquaintances and, like, experiences around you. So, Stella,
yeah, that's so true. But, yeah, this is
not absolute. So, basically,
what you're gonna what this,
I don't know if I call it conference
or event,
is not going to be like absolute. It's
gonna just try to give people, you know,
solutions for normal regular marriages that are not,
you know,
the abusive, the narcissist,
whatever.
The the the average problems that we're all
going through, which I feel like they're not
average because we tend
to make them huge in our brain.
I think I agree with you, and I
think you might die assist.
I think we should I think we should
wrap up because I think my battery might
die. And, also, we've given these people far
too much. My battery died when I disconnected
the charger. I know.
I'm finding the conversation really interesting myself. That's
kinda like Yeah. I mean, it is. I
I think I I love the item. Like
I said, we don't have data. Right? We
don't have data. Yeah. But I would like
to think that the majority of marriages are
average.
Just average.
Oh, someone says the secret word is basically,
because I'm always saying basically.
Basically. I'm not the one saying the secret
word. I don't even know what the secret
word is, but that's a good guess. But
I I I would like to think that
the majority of marriages are average because
most of us are average. Right? Most of
us are not psychopaths.
We're not sociopaths.
We're not narcissists.
We're not violent abusers. Abusers. We're not, you
know, disrespectful, out of control, or anything. Right?
Majority of us, I think, are quite average.
We're just normal. Right? So I like to
think anyway.
And maybe, an exercise that everybody can do,
just for fun, is look at the marriages
around you that you know. Right?
And take the temperature. You know? In your
case, Jenna, you said that you have a
lot of decent marriages around you. I also
have a lot of decent marriages around me.
And maybe we may find that when we
look around, we'll see, okay, they have problems.
But
it's if they're working on it and it's
working. You know? Yeah. And if that's the
case, then we need to be very careful
of
the stories that tell us that Muslim marriages
are, like, wrecked. Right? Yeah. That every every
man is a narcissistic abuser.
Every woman is an evil woman plotting take
her husband's kids away. And, you know, like,
these horror stories that we hear. Right?
We need to we need to normalize normal
and know that normal is perfectly okay. In
fact, normal is great. Yeah? Normal is great.
Okay?
Average is great.
Average.
Average.
Yes.
Average is great. But, yeah, I feel like
you spoke about that as well in my
episode. If if you guys haven't watched the
episode with, you have to. It's a must
watch. It's one of my favorite episodes.
And,
go check out like, I'm gonna put a
link down in the description of your event,
and check it out. And you can you
can lucky you still have time to actually
register. There's always already 6,000 people. I'm just
thinking how are these people gonna
they're gonna be online. It's gonna be a
big event. Yeah. It's gonna be on YouTube.
Yeah.
So may Allah bless your journey, and a
lot of sisters will benefit from it, and
we'll meet again. I definitely wanna continue this
conversation.
I I think we have to have a
part 2, part 3, part 4. Maybe you
can come up to my podcast, Inshallah. But,
yes, thank you so much for for for
I'm gonna appreciate you for taking the time
to do this and also for bringing the
hard questions, you know? Because I know you
and I both know that I said some
things
a while back. I said some things recently,
and people have been like
Yeah. She said this said that shit then.
And so, you know, I I I think
it was brave of you to just say
to me, I'm gonna ask you those tough
questions. You know, if I made sense, alhamdulillah.
If I didn't make sense, would Allah forgive
me? You know, because my goal is really
and has been
just for people to get grounded in reality
again and for us not to sell each
other stories, right, that are not helpful.
Because some stories
some stories let me I hope I don't
even know whether let me just see if
I can plug this in. Hold on a
second. Yeah. Because I feel like it's gonna
die, and my phone is gonna die too.
Let me just move the phone that way.
Sorry, guys. If I'm it's too shaky. Oops.
Yep. It's gonna shake.
Alright. I hope that it I hope that
and if it get cut off, guys, then
you know what's Can you can you can
you see the the the rumble that I'm
doing? Because I'm trying to connect my phone.
I'm, like, literally doing
yeah. It's okay. We're we're all finished.
Yep. I'm just plugging my phone so it
doesn't die because if my phone dies, the
life goes.
No. No, sis. Do you know what? I
that happened to me before.
Let's not risk it. Let's let's thank everybody
for for watching. Tell everybody to go to
the the the the the link in my
bio to book their ticket, and let's close
it. Because if it's if it doesn't save,
we we it's gonna be a disaster. Let's
finish it now, Liz. Alright. Yes.
No. I actually connected it, but, man, it's,
like, really, really hard. So, yeah,
for joining us, and
I'll put all the link. And please, guys,
DM me for the, what's it called?
For the for the secret word so I
could give you the VIP ticket.
Yes. And make sure that you all claim
your free tickets.
See you.