Nahela Morales – Marriage Questions for Converts
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Hola. Salam aleikum once again, my name is Anna Halal mirallas. And I
want to welcome you to another Live episode here in about Islam.
Today I am going to be covering a few questions.
Let me backtrack a little bit, I am a convert Alhamdulillah and I
converted.
over 10 years ago, my introduction to Islam was 911 And subhanAllah.
Since then, I've been very active in the communities where I have
recited, I am currently living in Texas in Dallas, and I am the
proud mother single mother of a 15 year old Alhamdulillah. Now I am
not married, but I have been married in the past. And so I'm
dealing with converts, I actually co founded an organization that
cares for convert specifically convert care, under the name of
embrace.
So I get asked a lot of questions and a lot of sisters in regards to
marriage.
And subhanAllah this is something that is a very important topic for
us to
talk about, but even more so to educate ourselves about especially
when you are new in the faith.
One of those questions that that I was asked, and I've been asked
many, many times is how important is a Wally when seeking for
marriage? So that's question number one.
But let's understand what a while he is a while he is somebody that
is responsible for you, and will be helping you through this
process. In Islam Alhamdulillah we have a protocol when it comes to
marriage. And therefore this Wally would be taking a very specific
role. And he has responsibilities and duties. Therefore you need to
find someone and I'm speaking to my obviously my reverb convert
sisters, somebody that is trustworthy and reliable. And that
someone that will carry this role in sha Allah
to the best of his ability. And the other thing was
you know, why?
How important is a Wally in a converts
in a converts process to get married.
Let me just share this real quick as people start joining in sha
Allah
let me see.
Okay.
Okay, so
yes. How important is that Wally?
Like I said, he's very, very important in terms of what seeking
someone that will inshallah
help you through this process and through this
protocol that we have. So he is very important. This is one step
that we cannot skip sisters. And obviously, for my brothers that
are watching, it is very important that this is your first question
when you address, you know, young lady, a young sister for marriage
or when you're seeking
for marriage, your first question should be, you know, can I talk to
your Wally, that's the appropriate approach. Bismillah. And so, the
reason why is because, unfortunately, you know, as
converts, and we will talk a little bit more on on the third
question in sha Allah. But as converts when we enter Islam, we
are very new to the faith and the understanding of the different
fic aspects of the religion. And so we may not know even our rights
and so it's so important that you're able to identify someone.
Obviously if your brother father uncle
is not available, then you need to seek for someone within the
community, the most appropriate person to seek for to be your
Wally would be the Imam of the Masjid.
And one of the things that I would personally suggest is for you to
get involved in this Islamic center in this masjid, to start
with, so you can establish a relationship with the community
and being Imam gets to know who you are as an individual as a
sister, you know, your mannerisms. If you're taking classes at the
masjid, it's also important for him to see that you are growing.
Why is it important because when we are seeking for marriage, we
want to make sure that we know our rights and so,
the only way to do that is by obtaining knowledge and as we all
know, it is a responsibility a responsibility of a Muslim,
regardless of the gender male or female to obtain knowledge, so my
sisters yes, this the Wali is imperative you cannot skip the
Wally if you're seeking for marriage you need to make sure
that you make connections within your community that sisters that
you know if there's no Imam at your Islamic center or you are
part of a smaller Masala or what have you, then you want to
allocate someone that is well known in the community someone
that is responsible like I said reliable and is able to take care
on these duties and and help you in this process.
My Wally mashallah has traveled we will have traveled we have done
Dawa, during the World Cup in Brazil, we have traveled to Mexico
to give Dawa. He's an older older gentleman he's married Mashallah.
And he is somebody that is well known and established in the
community. And so I allocated this role to him, because he has one of
the one of the three best ways to get to know someone is by
traveling and Hamdulillah we traveled in large groups. And so
we were able to get to know one another. And I always see his
his
his way of caring for converts he worries a lot about converts about
you know, their well being and therefore, I thought it was he was
the most appropriate individual to choose. As my Wally and I have the
law you know, through my process. He has been very exceptional,
masha Allah, He has been amazing when it comes to asking the right
appropriate questions asking me the questions. The other thing
that I want to address today, my dear sisters and brothers, when
we're talking about you know, marriage, marriage is something
sacred in Islam. It's something that sure it's half of our deen,
but it's a huge responsibility. It's not a joke. And it's also not
a walk in the park, right? You have to work at it. And so we have
to make sure that whatever is that you're looking for, you write it
down on paper and understand exactly what you're looking for,
to be able to tell your Wally, this is what I'm looking for. And
these are the things I will not compromise and these are the
things that you know, I will I am willing to work. So, this is this
is very important. So once again, the question was, how important is
a Wally when seeking marriage? Again, extremely important, you
cannot hop on to the next procedure or I'm sorry, the next
step when looking for marriage, if you have not established a wali
Inshallah, and may Allah
grant us all the best Wally's that care for each and every one I
want, every single one of us well being.
The next question that I received was, How soon after converting? Do
I recommend for someone to get married? So I've been Muslim for
over a decade, right? And I was married, and unfortunately, I, it
didn't work out.
And it didn't work out because I didn't do my homework. And a lot
of times when you're fresh into Islam, or you're very new, you
don't know your rights, and therefore a lot of things that you
think are right, or just because somebody is born into the faith,
you know, elude you or tell you, you think that's the way to go?
Well, sometimes it doesn't work out that way. And we need to be
careful when it comes to
when it comes to looking to get married. So every situation is
different converts come from all walks of life, Mashallah. We come
from different backgrounds, different upbringings and
obviously we have different needs upon entering the faith
So I have met sisters and I have dealt with sisters and work with
sisters, that our marriage is pressing for them, because they
are in a financial situation that they need to be taken care of,
well, I have other sisters that are very independent, mashallah,
and they don't need to get married immediately. And so they seek for
knowledge before they enter their, their, this process of seeking for
marriage. And so my recommendation would be to Inshallah, you know,
if you can take some time to get acquainted with, with your
community with yourself, you know, converting into Islam, it's a
huge, huge change in our life. I mean, everything changes, it's
like 180 degree for us. And so rushing into the process can
become a bit chaotic, we may sometimes make the wrong choices,
or nothing straight. Or because we don't know the process, we just go
and get ourselves in a hot mess. And it's not it's not good. And
what I mean is, you know, two different cultures, two different
languages, which there's nothing wrong, right with getting married,
with someone from a different country or what have you. But once
you have screen once you have asked the questions, once you have
had the pre marital counseling, that's very, very important, and I
can't stress that enough, I highly recommend that if any of you are
seeking for marriage, inshallah.
So how soon again, everybody's different. You know, I've been now
I've been divorced for going on eight years. And this is not a
pressing matter for me. Because 100 I'm very involved in the
community, I do a lot of activism. I do a lot of Dawa. And so my job
and you know, taking care of my son is suffice for me. As far as
I'm humbled, I have a job, I'm able to stay in my family.
Therefore, it's not a pressing, or it's not my priority at this time.
I always make dua and a philosophy with Allah has the right
individual that fits for me and me for him, then, you know, I will
look into it. But every individual is different. And therefore, we
need to make sure that we're cautious that we're always asking
the right questions that we make us the harder when we meet
someone, right, we don't jump into, you know, into marriage.
immediately if you you have not prayed as the Hatha if you have
not asked around. Again, that's why the Wali is so important,
because he will help you filter some of these questions and he
will help you navigate this process. So it's important for us
to have this Wally and how soon after, you will know as well. I
know sisters that nearly immediately almost got married
after converting and Hamdulillah you know, if it's a good brother,
he will teach her or he will send her to the masjid or you know,
give her the resources for her to continue learning your, your deen.
Again, you know, the Islam is vast, it's huge. It's huge. You
know, by the end of our departure, we'll know a few drops it's an
ocean Islam so we'll never finish learning. But one of the things
that we can do is to make sure that we pursue looking for this
knowledge to make sure that we're able to answer
inshallah all the questions that we have or perhaps someone else
has or our future spouse. And so
really, it's really up to each individual and that's what I can
say make sure you have your Wally make sure you are this Wally is
filtering everything is asking the right questions make sure you're
praying as the hada make sure that you are learning your rights and
understand you know, the the essence of marriage and how
important this is. So really, it's different for everybody but I
would highly recommend that you learn your rights and you learn
Inshallah, your new faith and and then take it from there with Nila.
Let's see.
Can your non Muslim family be involved in your marriage process?
So the alumni has come you know to terms that sometimes you're in
remote areas or sometimes you come from a very good family I
I know, you know, I've been working with reroutes, I think
ever since I converted, and I am in the community of rebirths, you
know, having an organization that, you know, takes care of reverts
convert care, I always get asked, you know, well, could my father be
part of this process? And one of the things, you know, the only
thing that you disobey your parents is when they take you away
from Islam, or they're trying to, you know, tell you not to obey
Allah. And so, I personally have seen shoe, you know, find it very
appropriate. And it's important for you to include your family.
And why is this? Well, because this way they understand a lot of
family members of reverts, don't understand the faith. And if you
exclude them completely, just put yourself in their shoes, imagine
your daughter is getting married, and you have no idea what's
happening.
You're not even asked anything, and some stranger comes and
literally takes your place, it would be heartbreaking. So perhaps
not, not not, if you have your wali that is the Imam and he's
going to be doing the Islamic aspect of it, you know, your
relative, your father, your brother, I mean, they're still
going to be your family, and they're still going to be part of
your life, even after you marry this individual. So it is
important for for you to involve your family members, I personally
feel that it's Dawa, you know, it style for your family to see how
beautiful our faith, you know, talks about marriage and all the
rights that we women have hamdulillah a lot of rights that
Subhanallah this country, you know, just gave 100 years ago,
and our faith gave it to us 1400 years ago. So
it's important to bring whoever is that you know, is going to make
this process a fruitful, easy. And, and obviously, if your family
members are giving you a hard time and you you see that it's not
going to be helpful. Well, you tell them that you're going to get
married and explain to them the protocol.
And I mean, I've seen I've seen sisters not invite their family,
you know, or their family not showing up at the wedding or
because it's a mosque, or simply because they don't accept the
conversion of the daughter or son. So every situation is different.
But if there is no animosity against Islam, and you guys have a
wonderful relationship or a good relationship, I say that it's
important because nobody wants
the best for you as your parents, right? So they may have raised
you, they love you, they care for you. And obviously this is
something that
that they want for you as well. And being part of this process
will inshallah help them understand more about our faith
Bismillah and so, let me just see real quick if there's any
questions that
inshallah Okay, so Masha Allah, we have Kenya in the house, just like
a hair. If you have any questions,
please feel free to leave them in the comment section.
The other thing I really I'm not going to talk too much about but I
will mention it just because it happened recently. There's a new
convert brother, Mashallah. Who was previously married, who is who
was married before taking Shahada. And so
his wife obviously is not Muslim, but is very accepting. She's very
open to the idea and has seen a tremendous change in his
character. And so that alone has made her ask questions and it's
wonderful to hear when when I was talking to the young lady, she was
saying, I didn't know that Islam had so many that the woman had so
many rights in Islam. And so that alone tells you that the way you
carry yourself out, makes a huge difference with your family with
if you know for this brother with his spouse, and so it's critical
inshallah
Let
me see here.
Okay, and so we're getting a question, how do they get a Wally?
If they are a convert? That's an excellent question. Mashallah. So,
you want it and I think I said a little bit about it at the
beginning. But if you are a convert, you want to make sure
that if you're part of a community or you take shahada, for example,
today, and you take shahada at an Islamic center, you want to make
sure that you integrate yourself in this community and you start
attending classes inshallah and you start getting to know the
community and you introduce yourself to the Imam and you start
stablishing relationships within your community. And so, when you
are ready to seek for this process of marriage, then you will go to
the Imam or the shape of the community and you will say you
know, I'm interested or I have this potential or can I can I give
your name and number if somebody asked me who is my Wally and so,
this is this is one and the the one option that most of the Aloma
the shapes the leaders you know, recommend is because they have a
responsibility the other is for you to seek for someone within the
community particularly preferably somebody that is married and you
know their wife and you have established a relationship as well
with the family which is something that I did
I met this brother and again we got to know each other met his
wife and you know, I asked them I need a Wally and I said, I think
you are very respectful within the community, everybody knows you.
And so
I asked him if he would give me the honor to actually be my Wally
and he accepted so there are duties and responsibilities for
this Wally. So it is important to look for a couple characteristics
and one of them is for him to be reliable because obviously if
you're seeking for marriage and somebody is going to be calling
him and doesn't answer they may lose interest or
you know, it can lead into something that is not right, like
you guys talking before this gentleman speaks to your Wally. So
it's important that he is reliable inshallah The other characteristic
that this Wally should have is that he should be trustworthy
right and one of the ways that we know that he's trustworthy
inshallah is that he is well known he is established in this
community that he goes to pray there often and that he is is is
an important
fact fact fact about the Wali is that he has to
you know,
how do I put this one second so in my case my Wally mashallah he goes
to pray to the masjid right and so I started asking some of the
sisters in the sisters area and most of their husbands knew my
Wally and they gave me wonderful feedback about him so obviously
when you also integrate yourself and you start asking other sisters
well do you know this brother you know he's part of the board or he
comes here a lot or you meet his wife and then you know with the
wife you ask, this is this is just a couple of ways to
to seek for a Wally or this is how you should inshallah find a Wally
let's see
K
okay, so there's sorry, there's one here that says, you know,
I have a boyfriend and it's a little bit long, but um, something
that we know and I'm not gonna go read it. It's very, very lengthy
but it basically I have a boyfriend and so we understand
that in Islam, there's no such thing as dating. You get to know
one another with the intention. So this is the key factor right here.
The intention should always be marriage when you're talking to
anyone you know should establish that relationship. What are you
seeking for? I'm seeking to get married so we're going to be
talking after our Wally approves my Wally approves
Our intention is marriage. And that's the only reason why we will
get to know one another. And once that is established, your
intention is intact. And you both know and why is that important?
Because you don't want to be wasting anyone's time, right? You
don't want no one to waste your valuable time and you don't want
to waste anyone else's time. So, to understand that and to stablish
that from the very beginning, Inshallah, it's crucial and make
sure that that intention is is utter is said immediately, you
know, I am seeking for marriage, marriage is important. And my
Wally's number is so and so and speak to the Wali. The other thing
before we close or we're coming to an end, but the other thing before
we close, Inshallah, this one by really fast.
If the Wali tells you no, I don't think you guys are compatible, I
don't think you should marry this individual, which by the way has
happened to me, my Wally said, you know, your divorce woman or you're
older, but I don't think I don't, I wouldn't recommend for you to
marry this person. When you're giving this role to your Wally,
you're basically lifting up this weight of, you know, all those
questions that need to be filtered and need to be asked, he's doing
them for you. So he's obviously getting to know him at a very
deeper level. And so when we give or we assign this role of a Wally
to someone, we all have, we also have to be mindful that we are
going to respect and honor you know, his recommendations. So if
he's seen something, you know, if he's seen red flags all over, and
he's telling you, no, it's not a good idea, you should be very
respectful and understand that he is seeking for your best interest
and therefore, step away and respect this this Hamidullah this
wonderful advice that your Wally and I really want us to, you know,
ponder on that and contemplate on that, and that's why there is no
date in Islam because then emotions get involved and, and so
it's difficult to detach, you know, the pure intention of
marriage when there is emotions.
So inshallah with that, if there's no more questions, again, Oh,
there's one more.
Okay, I'm not gonna get into any of the fifth questions.
I had three questions here, and these are more for reverbs. For
anybody really, actually, because obviously, we follow the same as
slam, but I am not going to go into the four wives or any of that
is just not I don't have time. Now we're out of time and that's not
that's not in today's agenda, but inshallah do leave your comments
to leave anything else that you would like me to address next time
when it comes to convert? Again, my name is the halal mirallas I
have been working with converts for over a decade Hamdulillah I
work under a organization that I co founded, it's embrace a project
avec na. You could check us out and if you know any converts
reverse first generation, whatever title you like to go by, we're
here to help. And until next time, thank you for having me. Salaam
Alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh