Nadim Bashir – Khatira – When Can I Sever My Relationship

			So today inshallah I do want to cover a very important topic that has been asked from me several
times. And I give a hoot about the importance of sibling relationships, I did talk about the
importance of siblings getting along with each other, especially after they have grown up, they have
got married and so forth, often siblings, they cut off from one another, or small, petty issues. So
after that, there was somebody who came and asked me some questions. And then this past weekend, or
this past Friday, I talked about that there are five sins that are very much dis
		

			despised by Allah subhanho wa taala. And one of those things is a person who severs relationships
from other family members. So again, after that, there was some people who came in to ask me some
important questions. And the question keeps on coming up is that there are some certain
circumstances certain search situations where at that time, can we separate our relationship from
our families or not? Like is this a hard and fast rule that in any situation, if you sever a
relationship, then for example, as a Prophet sallallahu, I do something he says in a hadith now,
you're the whole agenda party on a person who severs relationships? Or is the cause of others,
		

			severing their relationship from others? Who is basically the mastermind behind it, or someone who
advises family members that do not talk to him? Everyone don't talk to him, or everyone don't talk
to her. This happens often in families. So the probability is some says about a person that you will
not enter into Jana. So once again, the question always comes up is there are some certain
situations and our families that What about in those situations? Can we sever the relationship? So
first of all, I'm going to share four important advices these are just general advices, that no
matter what the situation is, and then the next thing inshallah we'll go through some particular
		

			circumstances or scenarios, and how we can deal with those kinds of situations. So first of all, is
the question some people may ask is that no matter how much good i do with people in my family, how
no matter how much I try to do good with my siblings, no matter how much I try to do good with my
uncles, my Auntie's my aunts, and so forth. They never ever reciprocate the same level of respect,
as I showed them. So in that situation, we always remind ourselves, the hadith of Arborea, or the
Allahu Allah and we're in Rasulullah, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he was asked that I have
relatives whom I keep in touch with, but they cut me off, meaning that I always tried to make a
		

			sincere effort to stay in touch with me to get in touch with them, but they cut me off, I treat them
well, and they mistreat me and they abuse me, I impatient with them, and kind towards them, but they
continuously insulted me. So that's why so long, why do you have some said that if it is, as you are
saying, meaning, because while some does not know, he's not heard the other side of the story, so
he's saying to this man, that it is as you are saying, then you are putting hot ashes in their
mouth, and then the prophesy centum says, Allah will continue to support you, as long as you
continue to keep up the same good behavior with them. So meaning the situation is such you're trying
		

			to be good with someone else, but someone is doing the complete opposite with you. In that case,
always remember, you might feel weak, some people may seem that you are the one who are you are
putting yourself down, but in the eyes of Allah subhanho wa Taala you truly have Allah support on
your side. The next important thing is that you can never ever expect someone to be good to you.
See, a lot of times we do good with others. Why? Because they want, they want we want them to do
good with us. But the rule is this. If you continuously wait for others to do good for you, and do
good with you, and you do good with them only with that intention will lie you will be miserable.
		

			Because if they don't show you the same level of love and respect and compassion, the way you show
them and your intention is I want them to do the same for me and they don't show that you will be
miserable and eventually this will cause more pain in your heart. So that is why you do it. Do it
only only for the sake of Allah subhanho wa Taala we are good to our family members. Why? Because
Allah subhanho wa Taala tells us in the Quran, why Buddha Allah wala to shriek will be che and will
be well today in the sun will be the pullback and so forth. So Allah is telling us worship Allah
subhanho wa Taala and then do good with your parents and do good with your relatives. The number
		

			three point is that no matter how offensive or disrespectful, someone may have been with you in the
past, from your close family members, it does not ever give you the right to initiate disrespect or
rudeness or being offensive to them in any capacity.
		

			City, because what happens is that sometimes we feel that because they did something to me in the
past, now that they have come to me. Now let me go ahead and get all this anger and rage I have been
sitting in bottling up in my heart for so many years. Let me just get this out once and for all. And
what happens is we become the aggressor, we can become the volume and that kind of situation. So no
matter what they have done with that does not give anyone the right to become offensive with them.
Now, I do want to say this, someone may say that hasn't Allah subhanho wa Taala said in the Quran,
what does that will say? I didn't say yeah, to Mithila decompensation of wrong is wrong in itself.
		

			Yes, Allah subhanaw taala has said that, but at the same time, remember, Allah subhanho wa Taala
knows our nature. See, when someone does something wrong to us, the possibility of us sticking to
that wrong and doing the equal amount of wrong to them is very highly unlikely. Because there's so
much rage filled in, when someone does something wrong to us, we're going to probably do two times
more to them. So that is why Allah subhanho wa Taala says, from an alpha, what is the Haifa a Jew
and Allah, whoever forgives, and they let it go at that moment, Allah subhanho wa Taala will give
them an exceptional reward in the hereafter. Number four, if they choose not to talk to you, you
		

			made several attempts, you reached out several times, you said even if you did something wrong, you
said I'm sorry, you apologize, even if you have not done anything wrong, but they choose not to talk
to you and they don't even give you an answer, then you are not miss old, you are not responsible
before Allah the Day of Judgment, because you did your best, you did reach out to them in a sincere
manner. And they chose not to talk to you for any reason that's on them on the Day of Judgment, you
will not suffer the consequences in this dunya or in the afterlife because Allah sees the intention.
Now, the next thing is, when it comes to family members, there are two different types of categories
		

			here. One category is the category that no matter what the situation is, you always try to repair
your relationship with them. You always try to keep a connection with them, no matter what somebody
might say that these are your Muharram someone that would say that these are those who will perhaps
inherit from you one day, all the people that could possibly inherit from you one day, these are the
people that no matter what you always try to be good to them always show them dignity and respect.
And if they if they are in a situation where you do not get along with them and so forth, be good to
them and so forth. But there is another category, that if you do not get along with them, then in
		

			that situation, you are not obligated. Listen to me very carefully. You're not obligated by
Chautauqua to go and you must maintain a relationship with them. Now I'm gonna get in trouble by
saying this so I'm gonna have to but I want to say it okay.
		

			Your in laws for example. Okay. So everyone's like, Ah, yes, finally, he's talking about in laws.
Okay. So what about your in laws? Islamically speaking, okay. You know, when a when a husband says
to his wife, I don't care how my mother is. You have to in have to get along with her. Okay.
Islamically listen very carefully. Should she go and be good to her mother in law? Should a husband
go and be good to his mother in law and father in law should a wife be good to her mother in law and
father in law indeed Rasul Allah salah, some taught us that how he treated his in laws, because it
was wa salam remember, he was the son in law to over a to a worker, he was the son in law to Amara
		

			the Allah Allah and he was a father in law to Earth man he was a father in law to I you know, the
Allahu Allah and he taught us what does it mean to treat your in laws? And he also taught us what
does it mean to be in the position of an in law? Like if I have my son in law, how do I treat my son
in law? Like I'm not gonna go into details right now? But did you know that I need all the Allah who
would come with the most private questions to the Prophet SAW Salem? Like questions that you Allah,
He would never ask your own father Allah. But Allah Allah, He will come and ask very sensitive
questions to the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam the Prophet says, some did not like, give him a
		

			slap Bishop, um, you know, get out of here. He never did that. But he just the point is that this is
how the problem is taught us now but I will say this, what if there's a situation? They just don't
get along at all? In that case, do you have to force one upon the other? No, you don't. Sometimes
mother in law and daughter in law, they just don't see eye to eye on anything. At that time. It
doesn't mean that she can go and be rude. It doesn't mean that she can go and become disrespectful.
It doesn't mean that he can go become disrespectful. I've seen men I've heard men at times, telling
their
		

			inlaws like as if they treat their wives as possessions. Your your daughter is mine. I can treat you
however you want. No, this is not from our deen, this is your Johanna. This is your culture, your
Jehovah Allah. This is not from our deen. The point is that when it comes to in laws, if there's a
situation that where they just cannot get along, you cannot force a relationship or force one to go
and get completely along with the other if their natures collide. Now, let's get to the next
important part, and what situations how do you deal with family situations? And these are scenarios
I'm bringing to you. I'm not just making up scenarios. These are real life scenarios, questions that
		

			have been asked to me several times. What if my family is committing haram? Okay, what if my
family's company haram for example, I gotta call my child, okay, has engaged in a haram
relationship. And now they are, they're going to get married to this person. So this is a woman who
called me saying to me that my daughter is getting married to a a non Muslim man. What do I do in
that kind of situation? Do I cut her off?
		

			What did she she cut her off? No. Dean says you cannot cut her off because she's one of the closest
family members to you. She's your daughter. So whether it's the daughter or the son, it does not
matter. These are I've heard also cases where my son is getting married to a. I mean, she's even a
Muslim. She's not even a Kitabi. She's some she's beyond that. Okay, so in that situation? Do I cut
off from my son? Do I cut off my daughter? The answer is no, you don't cut off. However, this is the
subtle point here. You cannot support your family member in doing haram. So when that mother says,
Should I go to their marriage? And should I be part of her marriage and her wedding? And I told her
		

			that no, you should not be why. Now, some people may say that, no, I think she should go show
support. Perhaps you know, her husband may accept Islam and so forth. But once again, when you go
and you show your support, even though she knows she's doing something that is haram, according to
the book of Allah and the Sunnah of the prophets, I send them but when that mother goes, I advise
that Mother, no, you should not go, you should not go be part of the wedding. However, remember that
you tell your daughter, your daughter will call you or even this case, the Son, the call you and
they ask you to come to the wedding, you don't go but you do let them know that you are there for
		

			them, you are still their mother. And if they need anything anytime in life, that you are there for
them, you will you will help them out. They may come back to you one day, they may come back to the
parents at that time the parent cannot say because you come into haram, I want nothing to do with
you know, the parent should not do that at that time. But at the same time, you cannot support them
in their haram endeavor. What about another situation?
		

			I got this call, my brother is engaged in a haram relationship. My sister or my sister is engaged in
a haram relationship. And my sister wants me or my brother wants me to meet with my perhaps maybe my
significant others. Basically, this is a man who is telling his brother, I want you to call me my
girlfriend. Or it's the woman who's telling her sister, I want you to come with me my boyfriend
these are I'm not making this up. This is happening will lie this is happening. So I told that
sister in that particular situation, you can you you respectfully, you have to show that you don't
support her in this because she is coming in Haram or you tell the brother, I don't I don't support
		

			you. And it's because you're coming in Haram, you want me to meet with that person, I will meet with
them. Because they are a human being out of respect. I will meet with them. But I'm not in favor of
this relationship. Now the same person says, Does my children have to meet with them? And here's
where the tricky part is. When the children meet with them. See, as an adult, you may understand the
situation. But put the children in that situation use tell. They're gonna say, oh, Who is that lady?
And you said that? Well, he is she is the wife of your uncle. The first thing you know kids are
smart. The first thing they're gonna say is Well, there was no Nikka there was no wedding. There was
		

			no shoddy. Okay, I don't remember anything like that. So then you said that well, okay, you know,
she is his girlfriend. Oh, isn't that haram? How do you start explaining that to us into a child of
that time? That's why it's best just keep the children out of it. Now, another serious situation
it's a life it happens in many families. I have this is literally a person gave me a call me and
said that my someone in my family they're not from my children. They're not of course not my husband
not but someone from my siblings. Their child has been
		

			I'm transgender, okay. Now, they are asking, first of all, they have accepted that whether he has
become a she or she has become a he doesn't matter at this point, but they have become transgender
and they are, they are presenting themselves in the opposite gender from their biological gender. So
in that situation, should I bring them to my home? Or should we go to their home? Should I allow my
kids to be with them? Because they are cousins, then? Because my kids and their kids are cousins?
Should I allow this or not? tricky question, tricky situation. There's no one straightforward
answer. Here's why I told the sister in this particular situation, because once again, you don't
		

			want to expose your kids to these kinds of things. It's not easy. I've said this before. As adults,
we can understand the nuances, we understand limitations and balances and so forth. But our kids
don't understand this. How do you sit there and explain to your child that yeah, this is how your
cousin is, they're gonna feel that you know what, if they can do it, I can do it too. So that is why
I told the sister that know your kids, you have to respectfully tell your sibling that your kids
will not be engaging with them. Now, it does not mean that if that person who identifies themselves
as transgender if they come around, and they say, so I come in that situation, you have to respond
		

			to the salon. If they are coming and asking you a simple question, you have to be polite to them.
They're a human being at the end of the day, but at the same time, you will not show them support.
And you will not while other people in the family are saying that you know what we support them. And
that's what's happening in many families, no matter what my child does, I support them in their
decision. Well, if you support them in their decision, that's your choice. But you are responsible
for Allah the Day of Judgment, but at the same time, you are not obligated, as an uncle or an auntie
or, or an aunt, and so forth, that you have to agree to this. So once again, if there are things
		

			like this happening in our family, we can very nicely, respectfully take a backseat. But it doesn't
mean that we are rude or disrespectful, or we hurt them in any situation. Now, a few other cases, I
do have to mention, what if, what if I go, I've noticed that my brother or my sister, they're very
		

			abusive. Let's just say they're abusive, verbally abusive, for, for the most part, they are verbally
abusive, not so much physically abusive. What if I went, I don't like to go to my brother's house, I
don't like to go to my sister's house. But now the situation is they're inviting all of us, I have
to keep it I have to maintain a relationship, should I go or not to my brother's house or sister's
house, when I know that they may be abusive. In that situation. Of course, once again, brothers
sisters, they are the closest members when it comes to members to your family, you should go. But at
the same time, the problem is as salam has taught us, you don't let other people take advantage of
		

			you. When someone abuses you, you don't sit there and just take it over and over again. Because you
know what happens? I've seen people, they take abuse, abuse, abuse, in the name of religion, that
the province has taught us that we have to keep a tie and we have to, we have to always be good. But
if someone is abusing you, verbally abusing you, physically abusing you, you don't have to become a
doormat for someone else. You don't have to become a punching bag for someone else. Let's just say
you went to someone's house, and all of a sudden they start becoming abusive, there is absolutely
nothing wrong. If you pick up and you leave the house, you have to make it clear. If you don't have
		

			respect for yourself, remember this one rule of life, if you don't have respect for yourself, no
one's gonna have respect for you, that is a Rule of Life will lie you have to keep in mind. If you
don't have respect for yourself, if you feel that let him do whatever he wants that let her do and
say whatever she wants. And I'm just going to take it over and over again, you have lost respect for
yourself. And as a result, they're not going to have respect for you, you put down your foot and you
say that if this is how the situation is respectfully, I don't need to be part of this kind of
gathering. And next time, you are allowed Islamically to tell them that if this is how you're going
		

			to be I don't need to come at all. And if you refuse, and you say I want to stay away from my family
for that reason, you're not doing anything that is wrong. Now, the next question is, what if my
family members are toxic? You know, there are some situations that you go to their home and you come
back and when you come back? You and your family are fighting with each other. There are just some
people's homes, that every time you go to their home, when you come back, you're coming back
fighting, okay? There's just something about their home. It's a toxic environment. So in that
situation, what if that home that you're going to or what if that family member there are so toxic,
		

			they're affecting
		

			You physically, mentally, emotionally and so forth in that situation also, I'm not saying sever a
complete cut off, but you can take a back seat and you can minimize the relationship. Finally, last
question comes up often, what if I find out that they are performing sahur in black magic
		

			often comes up? What if they are performing black magic or Sahan? Kit? Should I do I have to go? And
let me be very frequently say this, there are people who have come to me and they have told me, I
have found out that my mother, or my mother in law is doing this.
		

			How do you how do you work around that kind of situation, it's a very difficult situation. First of
all, is you have to make sure that you are 100% sure that they are doing black magic or Sahara. That
means that you have gone to a rocky, you've done to you've gone to a person who is an expert in
Rukia. They have told you that yes, 100% they are doing Sahara and black magic on you. And not only
that, but I don't want to go details. There are some times there are signs of black magic, and so on
and so forth. Now, if that is a situation, let's just say you get an invitation from your parents
home. And you know that this happens in your parents home, or you get an invitation from your in
		

			laws. And you know that this happens in your in laws and you have 100% proof, you're 100% sure of
it. In that case, you do not have to go and if you refuse to go if they say that you are doing
something that is wrong against the Quran, sunnah. Let them say whatever they want to say because at
the end of the day, our deen has never taught us that you put yourself in harm's way for the sake of
others. No, you protect yourself and you protect your family pool and legal narrow. This is what we
find in the Quran spiritually, physically, no matter what you've always protect yourself. So if
there's a situation like this, you're 100% sure I'm not you have to remember, if you are not 100%
		

			Sure, and you are accusing them, this becomes a bulletin, this becomes a slander, you have to be
careful about this. We have to be very careful about this. But if you're 100% Sure, you've asked
many people who are in the field of Rukia. And they all have said that yes, there is some secret
that is going on and so forth. Or let me say let me say this way, if you know that someone is coming
into your home, this happens often to someone is coming into your home, and they are performing the
sacred or the black magic, you have a full right to tell them you're not welcome inside my house.
You have even if they are your parents, or your parent, your your father, or your mother or your
		

			father in law, it doesn't matter who it is your brother's sister does not matter. You can tell them
that my house is off limits for you. You don't have to give them an explanation. You understand, you
know what's going on, you know that they're coming inside your house and they're causing fitna
inside your house, they don't you can very frankly tell them you're not allowed to come into my
house. So and that's in that situation. There is nothing wrong in keeping a distant from in that
relationship and keeping them far away in your relationship. So these are just some scenarios I had
to cover inshallah I asked Allah subhana wa to help us in our family affairs. But once again, the
		

			four things I mentioned the beginning, those are the key principles. I ask Allah subhana wa to
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