Nadim Bashir – Khatira – Parents VS Family

			Today Inshallah, in this brief reminder, I want to talk about something that was very important to
many of our families. And that is that, how can a man strike a balance between his parents and his
own family? This is how long you know, every single time after time, I will say, I get these kinds
of calls, I get calls from men that they have problems with their family, their families are
complaining. And I get calls from women, that they complain that their husbands are not creating a
balance within the family and is causing a lot of issues between their marriage. So first of all, is
that Allah subhanho wa taala. He says in the Quran, when it comes to parents walk or rabuka taboo in
		

			India, or below validate the Santa ALLAH SubhanA wa Taala talks about the importance of showing our
son to the parents, that after the worship of Allah after Tawheed, the one the most important thing
is to show your son to show respect dignity to your parents, at the same time, one cannot be
neglectful towards his own family, because of us will also law who it was said I'm also says, in the
Hadith, that one of the worst sins that a person can commit is a person is willfully, willingly
under he understands that he's doing something that is wrong, but he does not try to fix it. But
this is when a person neglects his family. This is one of the worst sins that a person can commit.
		

			So keeping in mind, the Hadith of the Prophet SAW Salem, keeping in mind the idea of the Quran, a
person has to strike a balance when it comes to his his family, his parents, and when it comes to
his wife and his kids now, the question often comes up and I'm trying to like take all these
problems I've been seeing and facing. I'm trying to just put them in a in a question format. So the
question often comes up is that what do we do when the parents come and they want to live with their
children? Now, I've talked about this before one of my other lectures that how, what is the concept
of join families within our deen? This is not that this is where a husband and wife have decided
		

			that they're going to live separately. But sometime down the road, they the parents decide that they
want to come and live with their children. So first of all, I do mention, I will I will mention this
often when I do premarital counseling, and when I usually do premarital counseling, I cover 20 areas
of marriage, because marriage is it is Pandora's box. If you think about it, it's it's can become
very complex. I cover 20 areas of marriage, and I cover and usually when my premarital counseling
when I do it, I asked some very difficult and uncomfortable questions, because I believe that you'd
rather be prepared for marriage, rather than having surprises after marriage that can cause a lot of
		

			issues. Well, I tell you, honestly, I've seen divorces within a week. I've seen divorces within a
month. I've seen divorces within two months. So you see that there are a lot of issues within our
community. And there are over small, small issues. And that is why I believe that husband and wife
should go through premarital counseling, and they should be prepared. And if there's any surprises
prior to marriage, you rather be surprised before marriage than being surprised after marriage. So
usually this question comes up is that what do we do when parents want to come and live with their
children? Now a lot, a lot of times, the husband says is my house, my parents can come and live with
		

			me whenever I want, and so forth, whether the wife gets along with them or not, and so forth. So
this in this particular situation, if the husband can financially afford it, then he should give his
wife as her own separate place of living, he should offer her and arrange for her her own separate
place of living. If it's a two story house, keep her upstairs, keep the parents downstairs, for
example, that can also work well. We're talking about once again, if the husband can financially
afford it. Just recently, I got a call from my from a man that he's going through some issues with
his family. But once again, he cannot afford his family has come to live with him, his parents have
		

			come to live with him. His wife is making a big issue about it. But he's saying that I cannot
financially afford it. So I had to tell him that you have to explain to your wife that she's not
coming. If the parents are not coming for a very long time, then just be patient while they're
there. Eventually, then the parents are going to leave but in that situation, if he can afford it,
the wife should be given her own separate space. And at the same time by doing this, he is not
disobeying his parents. So if the parents say that no, you cannot give your wife a separate separate
space of her own. She has to live in this house and so forth. Then in that case, if he says no, I'm
		

			gonna keep her separate. This is not him. This obeying his parents at the same time is also
important, especially for women and I always give this advice to women that do not ever try to
create a, a competition kind of situation
		

			not trading situation where you're trying to compete for your husbands love, a Muslim woman, a true
Muslim woman will always teach her husband and advise her husband, to love his parent to love his
parents, to respect his parents and so forth. If a husband is disrespecting his parents neglecting
his parents, a good wife is someone who will remind her husband that call your parents, a good wife
is a woman who is going to teach her husband remind her husband, that you should be respectful to
your parents and so forth. A Good Woman is not a woman where she is she endorses, she advises, and
she encourages disrespecting her, his parents and so forth. So that is why it is very important that
		

			she, this is how the situation that she should create. Now, there are, there are situations like
this also, and I'm not making this up. This happens, where parents would come from overseas, for
example, and they come for a duration of the year, sometimes it can be three months, sometimes it
can be four months, it can be sometimes it can be six months. And there are cases where at that
time, the husband completely neglects to family. Why? Because the mother of the husband is telling
her son, that the only way you will go to Jana is by serving us. That is the only way you will go to
Jana is by serving us, and not your family, and so forth. So while we come here from overseas, you
		

			have to give us your completely your complete undivided attention. And what happens is that the
husband gives his undivided attention to his parents, taking his parents everywhere, staying with
them, and so forth. And what happens is that the wife and the kids are completely neglected, when
the wife has told her husband that you have to give me time you have to give me your kids time, you
have to give us attention. He keeps on saying that the only way I can go to Jana is by serving my
parents. This is where the parents are completely wrong. If the parents are teaching their child,
that this is the only way you're going to Jana than first of all the son is wrong to believe his
		

			parents. And the parents are also wrong to teach this kind of idea to her own kids. And this is
coming once again from the mother to the child, that this is the only way you go to Jana. This is
not the only way you go to Jana. In fact, you will be deprived from Jana, because of the fact that
you are neglecting your wife and kids. I say this in every single Nikka I've conducted, okay, I've
conducted over 500 marriages, I say this in every single Nick I've conducted When a man says Kaabil
to her, when a man says I accept her When a man says man, a Qubool Kia, what that means is that you
are accepting her as your wife, but you're accepting the fact that now from this point onward, you
		

			will fulfill your role and responsibility as a husband, and you will take care of her and protect
her and be there for her. That is what you are accepting. You're accepting the responsibility that
comes with being a husband, and this is not in this case, this is not taking care of your family, by
completely neglecting your family. And then and giving all the attention to your parents in that
particular situation. A man has to strike a balance. Now I understand this, I will say this, they
understand that even in those kinds of situations, families may not be happy. Sometimes the parents
aren't happy. Sometimes the wife and kids are not happy. But a man should at least he can stand
		

			before Allah subhanho wa Taala on the day of judgment and say, the young Allah while both of them
were unhappy, I tried my best to strike a balance. I tried my best to try to create a situation
where everyone gets their due attention. Yes, of course everyone is you know, weak and so forth. I
may not be giving exactly 50% and 50%. But I tried my best. That is something that you know, a
person should do. The next thing is that which I've seen a lot of issues, also many families is that
there are cases where the man is sending money overseas, to take care of his siblings to take care
of his parents. And a lot of times the wife will make a big issue about this. The Why are you
		

			sending money overseas, but you're not spending money over here for us. Now in that particular
situation? I will say this, if the man is well off, where he is taking care of his family, he's not
neglecting his family, and he's sending money overseas is absolutely fine. It's his money. He can do
whatever he wants with it. As I talked about this few weeks ago, even in the case of a woman if she
has her own job, she has her own career, she has her own money, then in that particular situation
she can spend her money on her parents. Likewise a husband can spend his money on his sibling and
his parents as he wishes. But the issue becomes when they are neglected the wife and the kids are
		

			neglected.
		

			While he's sending money overseas, yours, then that situation is not right. And that particular
situation, you try to once again, create a balance. Now there are every single family has their own
situation going on. There are some families where you have multiple siblings, and multiple siblings
can collectively, you know, bring their, you know, pull together their money, help out their
parents, they should do that, if there's only one child in the family, that in that particular
situation, they should try to strike a balance where they're taking care of their family, they're
taking care of their parents also. And yes, if that means that his family may have to make some
		

			sacrifices in their life, so that he can take care of his parents, there's nothing wrong with that.
But he should not create a an extreme situation where He's taking care of his parents completely.
And he's like neglecting the family. He's neglecting the family completely. So this is something
that's very important. The next thing that becomes a serious conflict is when the parents and the so
when I say parents, it means parents, or the siblings of the husband did not get along with a wife.
And this happens once again, a lot of times. So what do what do we do in that kind of situation? So
there are scenarios like, for example, the husband tells his wife, I'm going to my parents home, you
		

			have to come with me. Now she knows that every time I go there to my inlaws, there's always a rift,
there's always an issue. And by the way, I will tell you this. A lot of times, if the issue does not
happen over there, then the husband has to deal with the burden. Okay. On the way back, the husband
has to hear your family, is this your family? Is that your brother? Is this your sister? Is that?
And your mother? Is this your father is that and he just has to hear, poor man, he has to hear it
over and over again. Okay, so many of you are laughing me that you've gone through this before. So
what do you do in that kind of situation, and that situation, a man should not force his wife, if
		

			the wife says, I don't want to go, because I don't want to face any kind of issues and so forth,
then in that particular situation, the husband should not force his wife to go to her in laws to
mean to go to his parents home. At the same time, the wife does not have the right to say to her
husband, that you cannot bring your parents over to our home. Yes, if the wife says, and the husband
should give her permission, if the wife says that, while your parents are around, if they come
around for around like one, two hours, three hours, four hours, I'm gonna go and occupy myself
somewhere else, I'll go to my friend's house, I'll go to the masjid, I will go do something
		

			somewhere. But I don't want to be at home when your family is around. And because just to avoid any
kind of conflict. First of all, the husband should not should not say no to the wife. Yes, he should
try to advise her. But if there's some serious conflicts, and once again, there are some serious
conflicts in many families, then in that particular situation, the husband should not say to the
wife, if the wife says she wants to go for a while, then the husband should allow her to go. Now the
next thing is that when it comes to parents involvement in a marriage, the next question is, to what
degree can parents be involved in the marriage of their own children? First of all, I say that the
		

			parents should not be at all involved in their own children's marriage. And by the way, this is a
very cultural thing. Many parents believe that my son or my daughter, they do not know anything in
life. Hence, I need to be involved in their in their marriage. Well, if the if they don't know
anything in life, why do you let them get married? To begin with? That's my question. If you feel
like that there are so immature, that they shouldn't they don't know anything in life, why don't you
let them get married to begin with, because marriage is also about maturity, marriage is about
maturity too. So that is why first of all, I say that the parents should not be involved in their
		

			kids marriage unless, unless the kids themselves want to make their parents part or bring them part
of the marriage and involve them into the marriage. So what that basically means is that the parents
should not feel the need that I need to know every single thing. What my son is doing what my
daughter is doing, like anything, they buy anything, wherever they go, anytime they go for a
vacation. Anytime they go in, they buy something like son, there are some parents who have so much
control over their kids, that they feel the need that I need to know every single thing that is
going on in their in their family, and you don't as parents, you don't need to know every single
		

			thing that is going into the family. Yes, there is nothing wrong. Let me say this. There is nothing
wrong for a child for a husband or a wife to go and seek some matura some consultation from their
parents. Imagine there's an issue going on between husband and wife. Now that time the the parents
of the husband will say to their child
		

			so that you know what my son, if there's anything we can help out and so forth, if the, if the Son
is on asking for the help, the parent should not get involved. Yes, if the son comes to his own
parents and says, I need some help, or I need some consultation, the only thing that parents should
be doing that particular situation is providing their consultation. And that is it, providing
consultation to to their daughter, providing consultation to their son, and let the husband and wife
sit down and let them resolve their issues by themselves. This is part of maturity of marriage, by
the way, when the husband and wife they sit down, and they talk to each other, and they learn how to
		

			compromise in marriage, because marriage is not about my way or the highway, it's about working with
each other compromising, you might have to give up some things, you might have to negotiate on some
things and so forth, here and there. So marriage is about working with each other, it's teamwork.
And Team stands for what Together Everyone Achieves more. This is what team is. So that is why it is
important that we work with each other. Yes, go to your parents, your parents have, you know, you
know, for many young men and women, they don't know when to involve their parents, yes, there's
nothing wrong in getting the parents involved. They do have a lot of experience, they can also
		

			provide some guidance and so forth. But the parents should not get involved into the marriage. By
the way, I will tell you in America right now, one of the key reasons of divorces within our
community is in law interference. It's in law interference. So that is why it is very important that
we don't do this. And finally, if there's an issue between a husband and wife, you know, I get calls
a lot, where the wife is telling me or the husband is telling me that our issues are Wallahi, very
minut, very small, the ones who are magnifying the issue, or the parents,
		

			the ones who are magnifying the issue, or the parents, parents, at the end of the day, need to play
a role if they are asked to be involved. They need to play a role of bringing people together, not
dividing people not separating and breaking families. A lot of times the mother she would tell her
son, your wife, is this your wife is that your wife is this your wife is that you can get so many
other women and so forth. There's so many other fishes in the sea and so forth. Just let her go.
This is not right, for parents to go and break apart their families is not right. Yes, let the
husband and wife talk to each other. And somehow Allah would advise them to sit down and talk to
		

			each other. They have been the husband and wife Subhanallah they've been able to resolve their issue
together. But the parents are the ones who are trying to separate the two that is not right in any
family. So we keep these few things in mind inshallah I ask Allah subhana wa Bucha to bring peace
and happiness to our families. May Allah subhana wa Tada Baraka in our families admirable Allah
mean, what is that Kamala? Hey, Salam aleikum. Warahmatullah wabarakatuh
		

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			Wouldn't have you Lena photo gentlemen, one half your warranty was good enough.
		

			What's going on? I don't know who
		

			what and gentlemen nauseam