Nadim Bashir – How To Raise Your Kids With A Sense Of Responsibility
AI: Summary ©
The success of families with children who feel entitled is essential, and teaching children how to give the parent the responsibility of adhan and "rowball" to their children is crucial. The importance of respect in parenting, including creating a balance within families and teaching children to respect their elders, is emphasized. Representatives should give children whatever they want, put incentives on things that they want, and teach children to respect their parents and teenagers. respectful behavior is crucial for achieving grades, work hard for their jobs, and achieving goals.
AI: Summary ©
So today inshallah I want to share with
you something interesting that I came across and
I've been talking about this for the last
few weeks about the importance of raising and
building up responsibilities within our children and the
reality is that there is no generation that
we have seen that feels more entitled and
that is more entitled than this current generation.
Let's be honest, you know subhanAllah, recently my
wife took my kids because they were sick
to the pediatrician and this pediatrician, she's from
outside, she's not from here from this area
of Dallas, she said that I've come to
Dallas and all the families I have met,
I mean these are Muslims and non-Muslims
alike, she said that I've not seen any
generation and I've not seen kids more entitled
than they are today.
They feel so entitled meaning that they should,
they think they deserve everything and anything, whatever
they want, it should be given to them.
I mean as I said earlier in some
of my other talks that what our kids,
what do they, is there anything today in
this life, is there anything in this world
that our kids don't have?
Whatever they need to succeed, they have it.
So the thing is that our kids feel
extremely entitled and we have to break that
entitlement within them and what often happens is
that when they're babies, the mothers give them
that love, they give them, show them that
rahmat, the mercy and so forth and they
raise them into like some younger boys and
then it is a responsibility of the father,
precisely the father and the reason I'm stressing
upon the father is because many of us
fathers, we feel that our primary responsibility is
only going to work in providing a roof
over our family's head.
Wallahi, that's many men actually think that is
their primary responsibility, that is a primary responsibility
but that's not the only primary responsibility.
Giving time to our kids, being around our
kids and especially, especially our boys, making sure
that we raise our boys into young men,
this is the responsibility of the fathers.
The reason why many of our young men,
they're not even acting like men, they're not
even behaving like men, even when they're turned
20 years old, 22 years old, 25 years
old in some cases, because they were not
raised to be men.
You understand?
They were always pampered, they were always given
that sense of entitlement.
So now when they grow up, they also
feel that I should be given everything.
So I want to share with you a
few things that we can teach our young
children in order to build confidence within them
and to help them get out of this
entitlement mindset and not only that but to
help them grow into young men.
So the very first thing I want to
talk about from a young age, some things
that we can do in order to build
responsibility and to help them understand what it
means to be a grown man into the
future.
One of the things that our kids love
to do so much, one of the things
our kids love to do so much is
that they love to give the adhan and
the iqamah.
They love, you know, this is something that
they are obsessed with.
They love to get on the mic and
they love to use the mic.
You know how often I see kids even
coming to the masjid, can I give the
adhan, can I give the iqamah?
They love to give the adhan, they love
to give the iqamah.
So here's what we should do.
They want to give the adhan, they want
to give the iqamah, make sure they practice
it at home first, okay?
Don't come and practice it here, practice it
at home.
And as fathers, we need to teach our
young boys how to give the adhan properly
and how to give the iqamah properly.
Because often when they give the adhan, they'll
make some mistakes.
And a lot of times when they do
the iqamah, they'll make mistakes.
But what happens is that when a child
is trained properly how to give the adhan,
how to give the iqamah, then they will
have this sense of confidence that if I
can do one thing, this is something that
I can do.
And then they come here and then they
give the adhan or the iqamah and so
forth.
And then people give them praises and so
forth.
There's a sense of confidence that come within
these kids, you understand?
And our kids, they need all the confidence
in the world that they can get.
Because often what happens is that the way
we were raised as parents in many ways,
we were always criticized.
That criticism was fuel for us.
Today in this dunya, today in this generation
that we live, criticism is not fuel for
them.
Criticism is not going to give them motivation.
We were raised that if you don't do
this, this will happen.
There were consequences given to us.
This is not that kind of generation where
you give them consequences and they'll be motivated.
You have to give them words of praise.
You have to acknowledge them.
Acknowledge their hard work and then give them
a kind of like sense of confidence.
That is how their confidence has grown.
So give them the responsibility in your house.
When you pray salat amongst your family members,
give them the responsibility of adhan and iqamah.
But teach them how to give the adhan,
how to do the iqamah properly.
The second thing that I would strongly recommend,
especially when it comes to our boys, is
that getting them into some kind of sports,
okay?
I really believe that getting them into some
kind of sports, especially the sunnah ones, swimming.
They should know how to do swimming.
Archery.
These are things that our kids should know
how to do.
Horseback riding, of course, you know, if it's
possible, it's possible.
In many cases, it's not possible.
But at least swimming is something that is
easily possible.
Make sure our boys know how to do
swimming.
If it comes to archery, if there is
archery classes and so forth, and by the
way, there are places where they provide this.
You know, teach them how to do these
kind of things.
Get them into some kind of sports.
Show them, build within them some kind of
sense of competition and so forth.
You know, wallahi, there are some times it
boggles my mind.
You know, when we were growing up as
kids, there was always a sense of competition.
Even the Qur'an talks about a sense
of competition.
وَفِي ذَٰلِكَ فَلْيَتَنَافَسِ الْمُتَنَافِسُونَ When you compete with
others, do it in a healthy way.
Do not put other people down and so
forth.
Do not cross any boundaries of Islam.
But subhanAllah, today, you know, there's no, within
many of our kids, there's no sense of
competition.
If they see their own competitor getting an
award, it's not fuel for them.
It's not like, you know what, next time
I gotta do better.
They're like, oh, mashallah, you know, I'm very
proud of him.
I'm very happy for him and so forth.
Yes, mashallah, you can be happy for them
and so forth.
But where's your sense of competition?
Like what kind of a man, what kind
of a boy are you if you don't
have a sense of competition?
You understand?
So this is something that we have to
build within our kids.
This is number two.
Number three, teaching them the importance of chores
around the house.
And let me say this, often we are
on two extremes.
Either we give our kids whatever they want,
and in some cases, we are on the
either, the opposite extreme.
We don't give our kids anything.
Here's what I'll tell you to do.
Anything that is not a necessity of life,
anything that is not a necessity of life,
okay, incentivize that.
Does that make sense?
Anything that is not a necessity of life,
incentivize that.
What does that mean?
Food is a necessity of life.
Don't create an incentive when it comes to
something like that.
They have to sleep on a bed.
They need a roof over their head and
so forth.
They need things in their life in order
to succeed and prosper.
Don't put an incentive on that.
But put an incentive on those things that
are not considered as a necessity of life.
I want that video game.
Okay, incentivize that.
You want to eat?
No problem.
I want to go to that restaurant.
That particular restaurant.
Incentivize that.
You understand?
Anything that they want to do, put an
incentive on that.
You understand?
And make them earn it.
I mean, I don't understand.
I've talked about this before.
Do not just give your kids whatever they
want.
Otherwise, they're going to keep on growing in
their demands, and then there's going to come
a time that as parents, we cannot say
no.
Put an incentive.
You want something?
You know, by the way, compared to before,
our kids, they will have a whole list
on Amazon, by the way.
Okay?
Today on Amazon, they have their own list.
And they will have everything that's in their
wildest dreams and in their wildest desires.
They'll put everything in that cart.
And they look at that cart.
They're like, I wish I had all this.
You know?
That's why, you know, subhanAllah, on Friday nights,
when they give out these gift cards, these
Amazon gift cards, they're loving it.
Because why?
Because they have a whole list.
And they're going to go and buy some
things from that Amazon list.
So put incentive on it.
You want this?
You're going to work hard for it.
You want this?
You have to get solid grades.
You want this?
You have to do some chores around the
house.
And by the way, we're not going to
remind you.
We're not going to remind you.
You have to do it by yourself.
You have to go and take out the
trash in some of the rooms and so
forth on a weekly basis.
Do not remind them.
And even if they come to you and
they're like, well, I'm so small.
Of course you have to remind me.
No, that is the incentive.
When you do this kind of stuff, then
they will remember these kind of things.
Once again, we were grown up, you know,
we were raised differently.
I mean, I myself, when I was eight
years old, I was sitting in, you know,
in Pakistan memorizing Qur'an all by myself.
My parents were here.
I was eight years old over there.
You understand?
I learned how to grow up.
I learned the hard way.
Because I was sitting in the mother's side.
It was not like I was going to
my relative's house also.
From six days a week, I was by
myself, taking care of myself and so forth.
There are some times where, you know, you're
thrown into the fire and you're thrown into
that kind of situation.
But to be honest, our kids over here,
the parents can actually build within them confidence,
responsibility and so forth.
But we as parents, we love to complain.
Our kids do this and our kids do
that and so forth.
But when it comes to us doing our
job, our part, we are the ones who
are not doing that.
The next thing is that the importance of
respect.
That's the fourth thing.
The importance of respect.
One of the things that which is many
times misunderstood.
You know, in the cultures that many of
us, we come from, there was something called,
you know what that means?
It means like talking back to your elders.
Okay?
Your elders are talking to you.
You respond back.
Now, there has to be a balance.
When it comes to our kids, when it
comes to our kids, sometimes they will respond
back to us.
They will talk back to us as they
will talk back to us, to parents.
And a lot of times in many families,
once again, there are some families where the
kids will talk back and no limitation, there's
no limits.
They'll talk back all the time.
And there are some families where it is
completely unacceptable.
Like if you ever dare respond back to
me, if you ever talk back to me,
then you watch what happens to you.
So what happens is that when these kids,
when they want to say something, when they
want to express themselves, if they come from
a family where they can always express themselves,
then usually in that kind of situation, they
have no filter.
Usually in that kind of situation, they have
no limitations.
And this is where a lot of times,
even the kids who are wrong, they have
a habit of responding back.
They don't have this habit of owning up
to their mistakes.
One of the biggest problems today of our
kids and our teenagers and so forth, never
taking responsibility of the wrong that they have
done.
Sometimes you see kids, they do something that
is wrong.
Why did you do something that is wrong?
Well, you know what their response is?
Well, that's it.
Like, why did you do this wrong?
Like, okay, I need some, give me some
words.
Let's have a communication.
Let's talk to each other.
What did you do wrong?
Do you know what wrong you did?
So, so well, I met a kid.
I saw a kid one time, he was
praying Salat the wrong way.
He was like, okay, he's like probably like
10, 11 years old.
So I asked him, I said that, why
are you praying?
Why are you praying Salat like this?
And he goes, well, his response.
So I said that, okay, then I said
that, that's it.
He goes, oh, okay.
So I said, oh, no, I said that,
tell me, please tell me.
I said that your parents taught you how
to pray?
Yeah.
So I said, does your parents, when your
mom, your dad, when they pray, do they
look around everywhere?
Like, no, they don't.
So I said that if they're not looking
around everywhere and they're the ones who taught
you how to pray, then how should you
pray?
I was like, what am I dealing with
here?
So then the thing is that then I
told them, I said, if your parents, once
again, you talk, you sometimes you have to
talk to them, get them to talk.
If your parents are not looking around in
their Salat, what are you supposed to do?
Look down?
Okay.
Alhamdulillah.
Okay.
Mission accomplished.
You understand?
But this is the thing that these kids,
sometimes they don't have that sense of responsibility.
So what was number four?
I forgot.
Respect.
Okay.
So respecting, making sure that they learn how
to respect their elders.
And the key thing is this, at home,
when we create a culture that our kids,
they just talk back whenever they want, then
even when they go outside and they do
something that is wrong, they're never going to
own up to their mistakes.
They're never going to own up to their
mistakes because they're going to feel that whenever
I do something that is wrong, I'm just
going to respond back.
And here's the thing.
See, when it comes to the teenagers, as
an adult, as a parent, you can have
somewhat of a kind of a conversation because
they're, they are maturing, their minds are maturing.
But when it comes to young kids, there
has to be some kind of a limitation.
Yes, they can respond back.
You're asking a question, you can respond back.
You say something to them, if they want
to express themselves in a respectful way, in
a respectful way, respond to your parents.
That's fine.
But there are a lot of times parents
who are like, this kid, he responds back
over and over again.
MashaAllah, how smart he is, you know.
This is what we say to a lot
of times our kids.
You know, this kid, mashaAllah, he's very smart.
He's not smart.
He's rude.
Okay, he's becoming disrespectful.
And you're calling that smartness.
That's not smart.
That's not being intelligent.
That's called being disrespectful.
He doesn't understand his limitations.
She doesn't understand her limitations.
So this is why we need to create
a balance within our families when it comes
to respect.
Especially when it comes to kids, showing respect
to their elders, number one.
That means that even just like the basic
respect.
You see an elderly walking through the door,
keeping the door open for them.
A lot of times these kids just come,
they'll open the door and just walk through
and there's a senior brother behind them.
So teach them, open the door, waiting for
others, let them go by and so forth.
Let your elders go in front of you
and so forth.
These are things that we need to teach
them about respect.
Respecting the masjid.
Respecting the masjid.
They're sometimes playing around, moving around and so
forth.
And there's no respect of the masjid.
But at the same time, respecting the parents
also.
Brothers and sisters, we need to create a
culture of respect.
Parents, do not let your kids disrespect you
and think and label as mashallah being smart.
If they are doing something that is wrong,
you need to call them out on this.
If they're just shrugging their shoulders over again,
no, this is unacceptable.
Talk accepted.
I want you to acknowledge if you have
done something that is wrong, take ownership, take
responsibility.
This respect is not taught to our kids.
And then we turn around and then we
want to complain to the entire world, my
kids this, my kids that.
But we are the ones who create that
culture within our homes to begin with.
So we have honestly, honestly, we have no
one to blame but ourselves.
So these are four things that I share
with you today.
The first one was responsibility.
Second one, okay, sports activity.
By the way, when I say activity, the
reason I'm saying activity is there are some
kids, they just, you know, I get calls
from mothers, my kid is sitting on Fortnite
all day.
Okay, Fortnite is a terrible game by the
way.
I know many of our kids, they play
Fortnite.
Okay, it's not, it's not a good game.
Okay, so get getting them out, getting them
exposed.
Give them sunlight.
Okay, give them sunlight.
They're not vampires.
They need to be sitting in the dark
all day long.
Okay, get them out.
Okay, give them sunlight, give them activities, send
them outside.
Third one, chores, responsibilities.
And the fourth one is respect.
So these are four that I'm sharing with
you inshallah.
Next week, I will share with you some
other ones that we need to do in
order to raise our young boys into grown
confident men inshallah.
I ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to
guide us to Tawfiq, to do things the
right way.
As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.
As-salamu alaykum.