Nadim Bashir – Family Issues #06 – Joint Family System in Islam

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			Salam aleikum Warahmatullah wabarakatuh Bismillah Hamano Haman hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa
Salatu was someone or Salim Hamid while he also hobbies Ryan. For the past several Saturdays, we
have been trying to focus on family related issues or family related matters. There's a lot of
things are going on within our families. And because we don't talk about them from a religious
perspective, what eventually begins to happen is that the primary narrative what's the whether it's
a belief, or behavior, or a practice within our cultures, it becomes a dominant behavior or dominant
practice, or belief. So that is why it's very important for us that even when it comes to our family
		

			related matters or issues, we have to understand what is what what is our deen saying about it? What
has our Islam said about those kinds of things? Today, inshallah I want to take and address a
question that has come up to me many times in, in counseling sessions, or whether they are phone
calls. And that is that what has our deen say, said about the joint family system? is Islam
recommending it? Or is Islam against it? How should families handle these kinds of issues going
forward? So today, inshallah I want to talk about this, first of all, is that when we talked about
the joint family system? The question is that, why are people opting for the joint family system,
		

			there can be several reasons. Number one is that either the husband's parents are very elderly,
they're racing, or they're dependent on him, or number two is that which we have seen in many
cultures, and is still a practice till today, that there is not a very, this, the husband or the man
does not have a formal education, because he does not have a formal education, he is dependent on
his father. And so what he has done is that the Father may have a really established wall to do
business. And what usually many fathers do is that they want to, you know, bring their sons and have
their sons to be part of their business going forward. So what happens is that the son gets like a
		

			very, you know, either he will get like a very basic education, or he probably will, they will not
acquire any kind of education. And they're under this assumption that we'll just be dependent on our
Father's business will work with our Father, and so forth. So that is a situation that you find many
times too. And the third situation is, which is a reality, which is, I mean, once again, is I'm not
very proud to say this, but it is a reality. And that is that you find many men who have been so
spoiled when they're being raised by their parents, that they cannot survive without their parents.
And this is why this is where I will say this, that mothers, please do not spoil your sons, when it
		

			comes to their room, let them clean their own room, when it comes to the basic things that they can
do. You don't have to do it for them. This is how you spoil them. And sometimes these men become so
spoiled, they realize that they cannot live without their mothers. So hence, they have decided
internally, they have made this decision that when we get married, I'm going to bring my wife into
my house, and she's going to be living over here, she will be able to take care of some domestic
responsibilities. But at the same time, having my mother alongside with me, is absolutely important.
And once again, this is another issue that I've talked about this in some other videos. So these are
		

			several reasons why many people they opt for the the joint family system now, how should we address
the joint family system prior to marriage? It is very important. In fact, in all my premarital
counseling sessions that I personally conduct, I always bring this up the what is your living
arrangements after marriage? What are you planning to do? And what we have seen is that many times
the women she refuses, that I do not want to live with your parents, and many times men, including
the men's or the man's parents, they see that as like a very negative thing. They see that as a, you
know, they see that as a blemish or a as a negative character, I will say on behalf of the woman.
		

			And by the way, there's nothing wrong with that if a woman says that I do not want to live with your
parents after marriage, she has a right to say that. And it is also equally the right of the man to
say that you know what, if this is something that he cannot survive without, then he can say that
you know what I perhaps this is not the right engagement for me, he can break off the engagement or
break off the talks and so forth. There's nothing wrong with that. But to sit there and first of
all, they should bring this up prior to marriage. And number two is that if a woman says no, then
they should not be considered or they should not be classified or that
		

			The answer should not be a means to question someone's thought to be a or someone's character.
That's absolutely wrong. And once again, this shouldn't be discussed. And I've seen many cases also
where the husband says that, okay, you know what, let's get married. For the first six months, we'll
live together with my parents. And then after six months, we will move out, and Subhanallah Believe
it or not, there are many cases, majority of the cases that I have seen is that the husband does not
fulfill his end of the bargain, he does not fulfill his promise, six months turns into eight months,
nine months, one year, one year turns into two years. And the wife is saying that you promised me
		

			prior to marriage, that we will live separately. And that is why I'm saying at this point, that when
you are about to get married, this should be one of the most important discussions that needs to
take place. And when that happens, there should be a an agreement in place. That means that if the
husband says, okay, you know what, after six months, we will move out, there has to be an agreement
in place. And once again, there should be consequences in my own personal opinion, there has to be
consequences, the family should be held accountable, he should be held accountable, because he made
a promise to his wife. Now, of course, it goes without saying that if he tells his wife, or he does
		

			ask his wife that can we just make six months into nine months? And she says, Absolutely, it's fine,
then there's no problem with that. But once again, this has to be discussed prior to marriage. Now,
what happens after marriage, this is the key thing here. First of all, I must say this, there is no
Quranic IRA. And there's no Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that recommends the
joint family system, it is not virtuous compared to the non joint family system, there is no one
that is preferable over the other. So that is why when people say that this is part of our deen,
this is how families are supposed to live. This is how Muslim families are supposed to live. That's
		

			absolutely wrong. Once again, as I said earlier, because we have not talked about this for such a
long time. That is why many people believe that the cultural system is the Islamic system. And that
is not true at all. The next thing that is very important also to understand is that the joint
family system is recommended. In the case that the has the or the the husband's parents are
absolutely elderly, and they are completely dependent on on their son, and so forth. So that is why
it's very important that in that particular situation, I will say that then they should live
together, because someone needs to the husband needs to look after his parents and so forth. It is
		

			not wise at that time or that situation that where they're living separate. And the parents are
living separate. Because once again, what if the parents fall down what if something happens to
them, they need their sons eight right away. So that's why in that particular situation, I would say
that fine, it makes complete sense that they live in a joint family system. The other situation in
which I will say that
		

			the joint family system can work is if the woman has her own separate quarter. Now there are a lot
of people, they live in a joint family system. But for example, one entire floor is dedicated to the
wife, the wife has her own, like sort of like a mini kitchen, she has her own living room, she has
her own space, parents are living downstairs, they don't usually, you know, come in each other's way
and so forth, unless the wife has to sometimes go into the kitchen and cook food for the entire
family and so forth. But otherwise, she has her own quarter, she has her own privacy and so forth.
That is fine. If a husband says to his wife, you will live with me in a joint family system. And
		

			once again, there should be no one else out there, there should be no one else out there. That
should be her own reserved space because a woman does need her privacy. The next thing is also I
will say that if there's ever a situation where the house is cramped, okay, the house is cramped.
Like, for example, there was a brother who came to me and he told me that or this is actually a
woman telling me that they house where the household where she got married into that house is so
small, and they only have one bathroom. And you can just imagine the shame, you know that you know,
even though there's nothing haram being done, but just for the woman to go and she's taking a shower
		

			or the man is taking a shower, you of course you understand exactly where I'm going with this.
Everyone understands what's going on. And it is almost a source of shame. And one way that this is,
you know, when it comes to intimacy and so forth. This is a private matter between a husband and a
wife and so forth. So that is why if there's ever a situation where there's so many people living in
one house or under one roof, then in that particular situation, I do not recommend the joint family
system. I do not recommend that the husband should bring his wife into that particular situation.
It's not right with her and it's a violation of her privacy. Now we also find in many in many
		

			religious families, in fact, in many religious families, where there are multiple brothers so the so
the husband
		

			or the person who is getting married, who is the husband, he has many brothers, and they're all
living under the same roof. So what happens in that situation is that if he brings a wife into his
life, and she's living under the same roof, then she has to constantly be in the meet in the in the
state of hijab, because when it comes to their brother in law, see once again, in our cultures,
there is so much, you know, comfortableness, there is so much.
		

			You know, people are very comfortable, I will say, or people do not apply any kind of restrictions
when it comes to the brother in law. Yes, I'm not saying that when it comes to brother in law's, you
know, yes, our dean has saying that we have to apply for a job, a sister in law has to apply a job
in front of her brother in law. There's no question about that. Absolutely. No question about that.
And yes, you can be living, you can be in the same room, for example, or like, for example, when
families come together, sit down with each other, of course, a wife, she has an ex or a husband in
that particular situation. But once again, we should not violate the grounds of hijab and so forth.
		

			So here's what I'm trying to say. If if there's a situation where they have to live under the same
roof, then I would never ever recommend, I would never ever recommend that a woman is put in a
situation where she has to live with her husband under the same roof where he or she has brother in
law's because once again there's a Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam narrated by
Akbar EBITA Ahmed or the Allah one, where he said to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the
Prophet alayhi salam saying that beware of entering upon women. So the Prophet of Islam is making us
aware that Be careful when you enter upon women. So the province of Salah I mean, all the way where
		

			Amir is saying he's narrating this hadith he says, A man from the Ansara was saying there and he
stood up. And he said, yet so Allah, what about the brother in law mean that apparently there will
be no, you have to understand they may not they were not probably living in the same place. But
because the houses because at that time, the houses were so close to each other, they can easily
walk into other people's homes and so forth. They were next to each other, they will not separate,
like we see in many cases. So here this, this man is saying that what if I just walked into the
second house, and I'm the brother in law, I mean, there's, you know, we're, you know, this woman is
		

			married to my brother, and so forth. There's a certain comfortable comfortableness and so forth.
What are the promises some say? He says, I'll have a remote. He says Alehissalaam, that the brother
in law is depth mean that there are cases where we find where if the rules and the laws of a job are
violated, then there are cases where we have heard that where there can be infidelity, and there is
cheating that goes on and so forth. And once again, I want to go into too many details here about
this. But this is a reality, the fact that the province, some said it, that is it for us, we don't
need any more evidence. So that is why I don't ever recommend that if husband and wife have to live
		

			under the same roof. And she does not have her own private quarter and so forth. And she does not
have the liberty to go around the house. But she has to go always in a job that this is not fair
with any wife. Now there are cases, once again, I have to make this clear, there are there are cases
where I've seen where on the bottom floor, parents are living this. And then the second floor, you
have one brothers living with his family, and then the next for another brothers living with his
entire family and so forth. They have their own kitchen, they have their own bedroom, they have
their own bathrooms, they have everything completely separated, there's nothing wrong with that,
		

			there's nothing wrong with that, because they actually have their own pretty much their own homes is
just one is one floor is stacked upon the other. That's all it is. So that's fine. But to live under
the same roof, where the wife cannot get out of the house, or if she wants to go around the house,
and she has to be in a job all day long. It is not right with her. And it's not right for the
brothers, because once again, it could become an uncomfortable kind of situation. The last thing I
will say also is that
		

			we also understand that when it comes to joint families, whether we're talking about the husband's
parents come in living in, or the wife's parents come living in it works both ways. So if the if the
husband's parents are living, or if the husband's family is living with him, of course the rules
have to be applied over there. Let's just say if if the man says okay, you know what, I'm gonna go
and live with my in laws. So it's also equally important that there has to be a job over there. And
once again, I don't recommend that in case where his wife has sister so the man has sister in laws
and so forth. Once again, you have the hijab issue there too. But let's just say if only the
		

			husband's parents want to come and live with their son, or let's just say if the wives parents want
to come and live with their daughter and so forth. There's nothing wrong with that. But I will
lastly say this. It is very important that we talk to our spouse about this. See many times
husbands, they will say that, you know what, it's my parents, I don't need my wife's permission. And
what you're doing is that you're violating her space. You're a son
		

			You're violating the her space, she should be, she should be made aware of it, you should have that
discussion with her as a man, because that is her right? It's not right that you have people coming
in. And there are many families I've seen, where the then the parents come in, and Subhanallah, the
husband begins to his behavior becomes very negative, his character becomes very negative. And many
times even when these families come in, they start to mistreat the wife very bad. And so once again,
in any situation, if you want to bring the family in, you must discuss this with your family,
discusses with your kids and so forth. And if they can work with each other, and everyone is on
		

			their best behavior, and everyone is respectful to no problem, you can live in a joint family
system. But if you know that there is going to be issues there is going to be constant conflicts,
then I will strongly recommend that you get a two separate dwellings for your family, for your
parents and for your for your spouse and your children. I ask ALLAH SubhanA whether to give us to
speak about these kinds of matters. Once again, the reason why I'm addressing this is because this
has been a constant question that has come and there's been many issues in our families and in our
communities because we don't have the proper education about these matters. May Allah subhanho wa
		

			Taala bring peace to our families. May Allah subhanaw taala keep us happy in sha Allah when it comes
to our family affairs. I mean, no but I mean, Zack moolah had a salam Wa alaykum wa rahmatullah wa
barakato
		

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			what and gentlemen Eileen.