Nadim Bashir – Family Issues #05 – Is a woman REQUIRED to SERVE her IN-LAWS

			So usually on Saturday mornings will be started is that we will begin talking about some of the key
issues that we see in our families. And I want to make this very clear because I think many times we
may misunderstand the point.
		

			See, when you don't say something based on the Quran and Sunnah, what we have seen is if you don't
say something, you don't try to fix something, or you don't address something, then whatever is the
common belief, whatever is the common practice, and whatever is the common behavior, it becomes the
dominant behavior. Let me give you an example. Many of us before we started learning about our deen,
we thought that there were certain practices, certain beliefs, certain behaviors of our culture, we
actually thought that they were part of Islam, we actually thought that they were Islam. But when we
began to learn about Quran when we when we began to learn about Hadith, and we began to learn what
		

			our deen actually tells us, we began to change our mindset, we began to change that, yeah, you know,
what, probably what we have been believing in, or what we have been doing in our families or in our
lives is not the correct way. So that is why it is very important that for so many years, what we
have seen is that the things that usually what we're talking about here on Saturday morning, are not
things that you see being covered in a hotbar. You don't see these things being covered by many of
the people of many Imams and so forth. Why? Because there could be various reasons without getting
into them right now. But the point is that if we don't talk about these kinds of things, though,
		

			they may be uncomfortable. But if we don't understand what our Dean has told us, that we're going to
have continuously issues in our society and within our families. So last week, we talked about, you
know, what does Islam say about joint families, that joint family system, something that is very
predominant our culture's today Shala, I want to talk about another, you can say a contentious
issue, something that many people have been struggling with. And that is that is a woman is a wife,
required by Islam, to serve her in laws. Because this is once again, a very serious issue that
happens in many of our families, and Wallahi, I cannot tell you how many calls I get of, you know,
		

			issues and conflicts between the wife and their in laws. And the husband has absolutely no idea what
to do in that particular situation. And this causes a lot of problems. In fact, it caused many
divorces also. So that is why it's very important for us to understand exactly how to manage this
kind of issue going forward. The very first thing is that when it comes to a man's responsibility,
it is a man's responsibility by Allah subhanho wa taala, to protect his family, to protect his wife.
And not only that, but even according to many psychologists and so forth, is to show love to his
wife. And there are many different ways of showing that love. A wife's responsibility, on the other
		

			hand, is to protect the man's interest, it is there to to fulfill his rights. And not only that, but
is to show him respect. That is why often you find that when a man has a serious issue with his
wife, it's not about that she does this or that commonly I've seen men have this complaint against
her wife that she does not respect me enough. This is usually the key common issue. At the same
time, that when we also understand that if a man shows his love his his wife love, he takes care of
them, he shows them honor shows them dignity and respect, then the woman has been created in such a
way by Allah subhanho wa taala, that she will also show that love to her husband, she will show that
		

			respect to her husband. And likewise, when a husband sees that his wife is also fulfilling his
rights and showing him respect, then usually they will reciprocate that as human beings. This is the
way we have been created by Allah subhanho wa taala. So let's get to the key condition and condition
contentious issue. The very first point that we have to understand is, there are cases I've seen
that where a man is thinking to himself that I'm perhaps the only one who is going to look after my
parents. My parents are elderly, there's no one who's gonna look after my parents. And when he goes
to look for a wife, that he also understands that I need my wife if I'm going to go out to work and
		

			earn a living and so forth, that I need someone to stay behind to look after my family. And once
again, there are a lot of issues in many families. There are a lot of families also that all the
brothers and all the sisters have abandoned their parents. They've put the responsibility of all
their parents on one brother, that you haven't take care of our parents and we cannot deal with our
parents and so forth. That in itself was another issue for another day. But imagine this one person
understands and he's thinking to himself, I am the only one who's gonna look after my parents. In
that case when he goes to look for a wife. He must make it clear prior to getting
		

			married to his wife that this is going to be one of your primary responsibilities. And it is her
right prior to marriage, that she can say that yes or no. If she says yes, that's her choice. And if
she's, if she says no, that's her choice, too. And she should not be criticized for saying no,
because she doesn't want to put herself in that position. Because she knows that if she puts herself
in that position, she may fail. So if a woman backs away from that proposal, saying that I will not
be able to handle this, that's absolutely fine. There's nothing wrong with that. But at least for
the man, he needs to put that upfront. And I've seen and by the way, I've seen many cases also, many
		

			men who have come to me with this kind of issue. And they've told me, I am the only one who's going
to be looking after my parents. My parents are very senior. They're very, they're very elderly. I
need someone to look after them. And I made this very clear. And though he did find it very
difficult to get married for quite some time, because every single woman that he approached, they
were backing away because of this. Eventually it did take him some time eventually at Honda, he did
find someone and that was her choice. So once again, this is the very first point that we have to
understand. The second point we have to also understand is that a woman is not allowed to be utterly
		

			disrespectful to her parents or to her in laws. Why? Because our Dean has made it very clear that
anyone the problem is if someone says Felisa Mina, he says that he is not from amongst us or she is
not from amongst us who MALAMI or Hamza here are not those who do not show mercy to youngsters and
to the younger ones, and they do not show reverence to the older ones, or they do not show respect
to the elderly. So the problem is, is somebody saying over here in this hadith, that they are not
from amongst us, so it is not allowed for a woman to be disrespectful towards her parents, but also
to be disrespectful to her in laws, because they are senior to her. And once again, I'm have to make
		

			this very clear. Again, there's a difference between this agreement and disrespect in many of our
families. I hear the same issue, that the fact that she the mother is saying the mother of the of
the man is saying of the husband is saying that she was disrespectful when I inquired when I dug
deeper, I found out that all she did was she disagreed with her mother in law and that is it. That's
not disrespect. Sahaba disagreed with Republic, Salah Salem Sahaba disagreed with the province of
Salem never did the province Some say that you are crossing the boundaries of respect that some of
the province have said. So once again, a woman is not allowed to be disrespectful to her seniors and
		

			to her to her in laws because they are older than her. Also a woman should not be should not have
such a nature and characteristic that she should just say that you know what, I'm not going to do
anything for you. Once again, it should not be part of the woman's nature. Imagine if her senior in
law say can you help me with this? Can you help me with that? They should go out of their way and
they should help out. Okay, there's there's nothing wrong in doing that. But the most important
thing is that part of our deen is to also be respectful and to be kind and to show respect to our
elders. Now, the issue becomes here that what happens in a situation where you're living in a joint
		

			family system, but the parents, the parents, and the husband, a lot of times what happens is that we
see this culturally speaking, the husband mentally and physically checks out what does that mean? It
means that he has put the entire responsibility on his wife, that you have to look out for my
parents, and he does not do anything for his parents himself. So he will go to work he provides for
the family financially, as Allah subhanaw taala has said that that is his responsibility. But then
when he comes back home, he does not do anything for his own parents, besides the fact that he will
go he will sit there and ask his parents, are you okay? And not, but you will not do anything more
		

			than that. And he has put all the responsibility on his wife. Not only that, but in that situation
also the parents are also treating her like a maid or a servant. And that is what the husband has
made her he has made her into a maid or servant, that I'm going to keep on doing what I need to do.
And you have to look out for my parents. This is where the issue is not is not correct. That is
where when that woman gets treated like a maid or servant or a slave, that is where that is where
the issue becomes. Because at the end of the day, there is no Quranic either. There is no Hadith of
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam where the Hadith says or our deen has taught us that a woman
		

			is to be treated like a maid or servant to her husband's parents. Once again, this is his parents,
not her parents. This is his parents. At the end of the day, it is the man
		

			has responsibility to look after his parents, it becomes a man's responsibility to serve his
parents, he cannot put the entire load on one person and check out mentally and physically and do
nothing, while the oh this person has become a maid or a servant, this is absolutely wrong. And our
Dean has also taught us and many alumni have said this also, that in this case, if a woman says no,
I will not, I do not have the responsibility, she is not to be blamed at all, she's not to be blamed
at all. Now, in addition to that, there are some other issues that happen in this. And that is that
when not only is she a lot of times, then taking orders. And not only that, but Subhanallah Wallahi.
		

			I'm telling you, I'm telling all of you when I say this, that the calls I get the times where in
laws, the husband's parents are using vile language to their daughter in law, this is unacceptable,
clearly unacceptable. Where does it show in our deen that this is acceptable. So the man is there
watching his wife being completely disrespected. And not only that, but then it goes even a notch
higher than that. What we're seeing also in our families is the brother will walk in of the husband,
okay? Basically, her brother in law walks in, and he starts to give orders like as if she is her,
her man, she, she is the maid and the servant of the house, he walks in and says, I want you to do
		

			this for me and that for me, she's not your wife, she does not have to serve you. You cannot, as a
as a brother in law, you are not allowed to walk into someone else's house and give orders to your
sister in law, you're not allowed to do that. Not only that, but then also there are cases that
where everyone is coming. The system was coming, the brother in law is coming. The husband is
sitting over there. And Wallah, he there are cases of stories I've heard where the woman is standing
over there. And she's like a waitress, literally, she's a waitress, okay, what will you take? What
will you take, everyone's giving the orders as if they're sitting in a restaurant, and they're
		

			giving you orders. And what's mind boggling about all this is, at the end of the day, the husband
wants to he says, I deserve my respect, I'm sorry. When you put your wife in that kind of situation,
you don't deserve respect. You don't deserve the respect. If you're gonna let if you're gonna let
other people walk all over your wife, if you're going to let people treat your wife, like a servant
and a slave, if you're going to let you if you're going to people, if a person is going to allow
other people to come into their home and treat your wife, like a like a waitress, then what? What
respect are you demanding from your wife as simple as that? So this is why it is very important that
		

			there is no place in our deen there is no place in our deen that that allows us now let me just very
clear, let's just say everyone's sitting in a family. The father says, Can you give me some water,
first of all is before just telling the wife automatically. It's the man's responsibility to serve
his parents, he should get up and he should serve his mother and he should serve his father. But
let's just say he's sitting down, he cannot get up for you know, laziness, whatever it is. And he
tells his wife, can you go can you just go get a glass of water, that's fine. Okay, once in a while,
just occasionally is fine. But when it becomes a routine, and then after that, it becomes where it's
		

			crossing the lines of respect. And this is something that culturally we have seen this over and over
again, brother in law's coming inside the house, first of all, is the brother in law should not be
coming in the same house. The Prophet SAW, as I mentioned, last week, I'll humble and Mote they
should not be in the same house, you have brother in law's living in the same house, which in itself
is already a recipe for disaster, but then on top of that, sitting there and just giving orders as
if she is your maid and your servant, it doesn't work like that. So, that is why we have to really
fix these issues in our families. And the reason why once again I may be tucking touching this
		

			uncomfortable kind of you know, question and family affair and family situation is because for such
a long time for such a long time, no one talks about it. So what happens is that we think that our
dominant cultural behavior, belief and practice is the is the is the primary practice. And that is
why we have these issues within our families. So that is why we understand these kinds of things. We
understand the yes a husband has a right towards his wife, the wife has a has a right towards the
husband, and we stick to that and she is not required to serve anyone else if she does it out of her
good heart. There are families who live together and the wife understands that I will cook I'll cook
		

			and I'll cook for the entire family. There's not a lot of demands the husband I mean, the father in
law is not treating her like as if she's like, you know, any kind of chef that I want this today. I
want that today and so forth. No, he says you know, he's he gives his requests
		

			Yes. And he says you know if he can make it make it and he treats his daughter in law with respect
and so forth. This is how if there's a fan that's living this way, no problem Inshallah, then it's a
wife does from our own heart, no problem inshallah if she goes out of her way and she says, You know
what this is what my father Father father in law likes. This is what my mother in law likes and I
want to cook for them from the bottom of my heart. That's absolutely fine. But I will say this, I'll
finish on this. If a man truly respects his wife, shows her love takes care of her does not let
other people mistreat her, does not other does not let other people treat her like a doormat.
		

			Wallahi the wife will go out of her way to serve Him. And not only that, but if it pleases the
husband, that she will serve that she was served that her in laws, then she'll go out of her way to
do that too. It works both ways. It's not a one way street. I ask ALLAH SubhanA without to give us
Sophia May Allah Subhana Allah give us a proper understanding of these kind of matters. I'm a little
bit odd I mean, where does that come about hiatus that I'm already going to live
		

			in LA Mussolini now almost Lima Do you want meaning Mina team on et now I look on it that the more
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			was before she I mean she is the one downside DP now one downside the party was all evening I was or
		

			what have you Lena photo gentleman one Hatfield law D. Was that good enough?
		

			What's going on?
		

			Don't know hula
		

			nauseam.