Nadim Bashir – Family Issues #04 – Beware of Mama’s Boy

			Allah subhanho wa Taala in the Quran talks about the importance of respecting parents.
		

			And Allah subhanho wa Taala we find the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam, the respect not only the respect for parents, but their status. As we know in the Hadith of
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when he talked about the importance of respecting mother, there
are Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu. It was someone respecting the Father. Having said that, I
don't want to make this talk today about respecting parents. But there's an aspect of respect that
today I want to address. And today, what I'm about to address is a problem that we have today in our
society. It's about, it's about me, but it's what we see in the community that needs to be
		

			addressed. And once again, the reason why these issues are addressed, because this is exactly the
greatest imam of all time. This is exactly what he would do. When I saw the law. He said, Allahu
alayhi wa sallam, whenever he saw an issue in the community, he would address that from the member
and from the pulpit.
		

			As parents, it is our responsibility, no doubt, that while we have to protect our children, while we
have to educate our children, while we have to give them tarbiyah, we teach them o'clock, we teach
them and respect and etiquettes it is equally important that we teach our kids the importance of
responsibility. It is important as parents, that we have to teach our kids how to make decisions in
life. As parents, it is our responsibility to teach them how to how to become, you know, mature in
life, and especially when it comes to our young men. We have to teach them these kinds of things.
Unfortunately, as parents, what we're doing nowadays is yes, we are educating them, yes, we are
		

			protecting them. Yes, we are giving them tarbiyah and teach them and respect and so forth. But at
the same time, we are also doing something else that we see and many families and that is we make
them into our psychological prisoner for life. Let me explain what that means. See, a lot of times,
you have kids who are growing up, and they grow up with this mentality, that everything is important
in my Deen at the same time, unconditional obedience to my parents, is also important. Now, our deen
has taught us build well in our tea or religion has taught us that to show up to your parents, while
at the cola Houma off often do not ever say anything off is once again is a word that is used in the
		

			Quran basically means that do not ever use a disrespectful expression in front of your parents, when
your parents are talking to you, you don't roll your eyes, when your parents are talking to you, you
give them your attention, when the parents are talking to you don't walk away while they're talking
to you. There's a certain level of respect that we have to of course show to our parents. And this
is something that we find in the Quran. But at the same time, let me let me be very practically
include here, our dean has not told us that there is 100% unconditional obedience to the parents,
especially when these young men when they grow up, and they get married, eventually they get
		

			married. Eventually, what happens is they cannot make a decision in their life without without their
parents approval. And it gets to the point that it happens in a lot of families, and happens in many
families, that when a husband or wife they get married, even before having kids, the husband is the
is the dominant figure in the family. And he asserts himself as the dominant figure in the family.
But four or five kids later, post retirement, you know who becomes the dominant figure in the
family? It's always the women, okay? It's always I was when I say it's always the women, I say 99%
of the time is the women. So what happens is that our kids, especially our young men, when they grow
		

			up, they're taught, they're programmed, that if I tell you to stand up, you will stand up. If I tell
you to sit down, you will sit down. So what happens is that when I have a lot of counseling that
takes place, the one issue that over and over comes to me is that the wife is complaining that he
this person, my husband, he does not have any decision making abilities in his life. Hence,
everything comes down to his mother. To the point that even if they want to buy something, let me go
ask my mother. If I want to buy a house, let me go ask my mother. Even if the wife says
		

			As I think we should buy this, the husband is on the same page with a wife. They both say, You know
what, we want to buy this house, but their mother says, No, you're not gonna buy this house. Hello,
as he says, You know what, I'm not gonna buy this house. You know, today, as you know, there are a
lot of people who come to me, they told me that we have problems in our families. And there are a
lot of women in the community, who are pro feminist, there are breaking up families and so forth.
And I get that there's a lot of women who are doing these kinds of things. Balloon be very clear
about this too. There are a lot of men who are the cause of that too. Because no matter what Allah
		

			subhanaw taala has created a woman in such a way that if they see that their husband is a Rajon,
their husband is a man, their husband can make decisions, their husband can, you know, make tough
decisions, and they are assertive, and they they are respectful, they are a gentleman, they have
chivalry and so forth, will Allah He they will walk behind that men, Allah has programmed them that
way, Allah has created them that way, no matter even how educated they are, I have seen many
educated women who have come to me and told me that if my husband is a man, I have no problem
walking behind him. But the problem is that we once again, raise our children in such a way,
		

			especially our young men, that they cannot make a decision in their life without, you know, is that
once again, is to talk to your parents, okay? Once again, it's one is that you want to buy
something, get the get the consultation of your parents, there's nothing wrong with that, you'll get
your parents input on it will let you no problem in that. But to put all of your decision making,
you know, the final decisions in the hands of your parents, when you get married, that becomes very
problematic. That because that is extremely problematic. Or again, once again, it has not taught us
that you have to the decisions are supposed to be there's no if you are a man, and you're getting
		

			married, then you better be ready to start making tough decisions. And that means that it's you and
your wife, it's you and your spouse, you work together. If your parents give an input, you talk to
your spouse about this. And what we're seeing also today is that because of this, I have also seen
issues where a lot of times husbands have given divorce to their wives. Why did you divorce your
wife? My mom told me so.
		

			Okay, my mom told me so my dad told me so. And when I asked those people, why what gives you the
ability that you can tell your son to divorce his wife? no apparent reason? No reason at all. Those
same men they say that well, you know, what is my parents? And my parents have told me once again,
when I say psychological prisoner, this is their answer. They said that my parents have taught me
that if I if there is if there is no unconditional obedience, I will never ever smell the fragrance
of Jannah. This is what parents are teaching their children that if you do not obey me 100% You will
never ever enter into Jannah. So then this person says, The reason why I divorced my wife, no
		

			problem at all with his wife is because my mom told me to do so my dad told me to do so. And in
return when I did argue with them, when I debated with them, they said I will never enter into Jana.
I want Jana, I want their forgiveness, I want their mercy, I want their blessings, hence I divorced
her. And when I asked more, they said that well, the parents, this is what they said, we have the
ability to do so Allah has given us we find in our deen that Sharia has given us that authority.
Where does Sharia give you that authority? So usually they say that well don't remember the story of
Ibrahim alayhis salam, he went to his home. And when he went to his home to see his son, he you
		

			know, he saw his sons he saw basically his daughter in law and so forth. And he gave this message he
says when a smile comes back, Tom to change the curtains on the door. And that was an indication
that basically, you know, separate from your wife and and then they're also telling me that oh my
god Allah wine, told his son Allah ibn Umar Radi Allahu Allah and that, you know, to separate from
his wife And subhanAllah when I didn't when I did dug more into this, a person came to North Amy
Lachman to La Jolla to one time okay, a person came to even North a meeting with a lawyer and said
the same exact thing that do I have the permission to tell my son to divorce his wife because I'm
		

			gonna photography Alana on whose story and because Ibrahim Ali has some story, and you don't even
know what they mean said to that person. He says Do you have do you possess the Hikmah and wisdom of
Omaha top
		

			Do you have? Do you possess the Hikmah the wisdom and the knowledge as Ibrahim alayhis salam? And
the man said, No, he says, well, the you don't have a right to tell your son to go in divorce. That
should be his decision. If there are some serious conflicts in their marriage, that there are
unresolvable, they are unresolvable than, yes, we can talk about that we can talk about that. But
for you to believe that I have this unconditional power to tell my son and then teaching our son,
teaching the son, that you have to listen to your parents in this matter, brother and sister, this
is not part of our deen. This is not part of our deen. And hence, these kinds of kids who say that
		

			if my mother tells me to do anything, I will do it. You know, there's a terminology for those kinds
of people. And that terminology is called, they are a mama's boy. Okay? That's the terminology. They
are a mama's boy. And I'll be very frank, when I tell you this, that when people come to me, you
know, there are people who have come to me men who have come to me and told me about to marry such
and such a woman, what do you know about such and such woman? And I will tell them that you know,
what, this is why you know about them and so forth. This in my personal opinion, and sometimes they
have continued that, that, you know, they have continued that engagement. Sometimes those men have
		

			broke up broken off those engagements. But one thing I've made it very clear, I've made it very
clear, I always tell everyone, of course the Prophet sallallahu Isom teaches us that when a man has
Dean and Horlock these are First thing first two things you see. Okay? And any person there are,
these are two things that you see the Prophet sallallahu if someone says look at his deen and look
at his clock, and this is where he starts from, by always tell, especially I told the girls
families, I always tell the bride's family all the time, that if the boy you're about to marry is a
mama's boy, please do not give your daughter to them. I'd be very I'm very blunt about this. Because
		

			if you are putting what's going to happen is and what has happened is that they give their daughter
away only to find out that this man, this why this woman's life is miserable for the rest of his
life. Her life is because this man does not make any decisions for his life. His mom, mom makes all
the decisions for him. His mom makes all the decisions for him. So that's why I usually tell and I'm
very blunt about this. Brothers and sisters. We cannot make our boys into mama's boys. Grow them
into men. Yes, while you teach them, educate them, protect them and everything. They won't have to
get married one day, teach them how to be a man, fathers teach your kids how to be a man. Teach your
		

			kids how to be a nodule. This is what we're lacking today. As much as we want to blame other people,
we find that so many men have this issue. So this is why I'm very blunt about this, that we have to
start thinking differently when we when it comes to raising our boys. And once again, my advice you
can take it or leave it. Okay? If you are looking for your daughter, you're looking for a man for
your daughter. My suggestion is do not ever give her away to a mama's boy. Okay? If you care for
your daughter, do not ever give her away to a mama's boy. That is my that's my, you know, person.
That's my personal stance on this matter. And once again, I can tell you that many people will agree
		

			with this also. And many people may not agree with it, that's fine. But once again, you know these
girls, you see so many girls getting divorced, and so forth. It kills me because what happens is,
they will eventually suffer because of this. The man can turn around and get married. She's the one
who's eventually suffering because of this. There's a stigma in our society and so forth. But at the
same time, the reason why this is happening is because there's not a proper therapy of our young
brothers and young brothers and our young men in the community and especially their families. Ask
Allah subhanaw Without to give us Dolphy if we ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to help our young men
		

			grow into young men mirabile aalameen Where is that gonna located? I said I'm already going to live
		

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			what unfortunately no one was watching The one downside BMP now one downside being 40 was on me now
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			one heavy Lina photo gentlemen one Hatfield law D was that good enough along I guess you
		

			Oh what's going on I don't know who
		

			what and gentlemen I leave