Nadim Bashir – Family Issues #03 – Culture vs Religion Engagement andMarriage

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			Salam aleikum Warahmatullah wabarakatuh Bismillah Mannerheim Alhamdulillah wa Alameen wa Salatu was
someone else Ali Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi is mine. Last week, I talked about a very
important topic related to the subject of parents raising young, confident, Muslim men, Muslim men
who have an understanding of how to make difficult decisions in life. They are a man enough that
when they are in marriage, and they have their backs against the wall, and they have to make
difficult decisions, or they're confident in their decision and so forth, it is a responsibility for
to raise young, confident Muslims. And not only that, making sure that these Muslim men, especially
		

			the Muslim men, they're not always running back to their parents, and trying to have the parents
make decisions for them. And we talked about this making sure also making sure that the parents
especially the mothers are not always making decisions for their kids. So today, Inshallah, I want
to talk about another important issue that is taking place in our families. And many people are
struggling, and many people are suffering because of this. And this is where we see that there is a
concept of Islam. There's a concept in our deen and there's a concept in culture. And what's
happening is that clearly we see in these kinds of matters, I'm about to talk about, that there is a
		

			clash between Islamic culture and clearly you will see by the end of this video, that how culture is
making life difficult. In fact, the cultural set up is such that it goes against the teachings of
our deen. So let's begin in sha Allah. So we begin with the engagement process. When a man intends
to marry a woman, of course, they reach out to the family. And once both families have agreed that,
you know, these two people are suitable to get married to each other, then the next step takes place
which is called the engagement. This engagement in Arabic is also known as HIPAA basically means
that these two people are committed to get married, they are committed that they will marry each
		

			other in the in the future inshallah. And the reason of establishing the engagement is so that no
other person can reach out to this person, or no other person can reach out to this woman and asking
or making a sending a proposal to marry her. This is something that everyone that comes to you
understand that now this woman, she is engaged with someone else, and no one should ever make a
proposal to her and fight. We find this in the in a hadith in Sahih al Bukhari where the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he says that a person when a transaction has happened between two
people, a third person should not come and perhaps interrupt that transaction, especially if there's
		

			already an agreement between two people. And perhaps someone may come and say to the seller, that I
am willing to give you more for this. And hence, a lot of times the seller will say you know what,
they will cancel the initial transaction and they will try to sell it to the second person. The
Prophet Lisa was telling us that the second person what he's doing is something that is wrong. Also,
in the same Hadith, the Prophet SAW Selim says that when two people are engaged, there is an
agreement between two people than a third person should not come in, and perhaps derail that
engagement process. So that is why we understand the importance of engagement. But now here's the
		

			issue that we find. There are some cultures there are some cultures that when a husband or when a
man and woman they are engaged, day one, their engagement Dawa takes place, or a party takes place
to celebrate their engagement. But from day two onwards till the day they become actually married,
and there's a Nikka that takes place. These two people are hanging around around each other, they're
going everywhere with each other, they're going on, you know, dates and so forth. They're holding
hands or hugging each other. And a lot of times they began to even seek
		

			halwa and seclusion. This is something that is completely forbidden in our deen even if two people
are in an engagement, two people are engaged to each other and they are committed to marrying each
other, that still does not permit them Islamically speaking, that they can go around and they can
act like husband and wife, wherever going forward from day number two, they have to still act as
they are non Muharram men and women to each other, they have a non they have a non Muslim
relationship amongst themselves. And that will be till the day that Nica takes place after the day
of Nica, then, of course, they are now husband, a wife and things that were perhaps forbidden before
		

			now they become permissible post Nika. Now, the issue is that what happens now from this as this is
this is one issue, but now we come to the point of
		

			Nikka and often here, there's a lot of issues that do take place. And let me explain. There are some
cultures that believe that the Nika or the KOSPI. Kitab is the engagement. So what they refer to
they refer to the customer as the engagement. And what happens after that Catherine Kitab, or Danica
is that they believe both families believe that this husband and wife, they are now actually husband
and wife, but they should still treat each other and behave around each other as if they are non
Muharram men and women to each other, and they have a non Muharram relationship to each other. And
this is a very problematic situation. Because once again, culture is saying that even though their
		

			Catholic Kitab is done, or the Nika is done, they've gone through an arc Donica Islam says they are
husband and wife, Islam says that they are they are allowed to be around each other. Islam says that
if they want to seek
		

			solitude, then they can, if they want to be around each other alone, then they can This is Islam
gives that permission. However, some cultures, they continue to say that no, this is not right. And
let me give you an example. These are just few cases, case studies for you to understand what I'm
talking about. I had a man who came to me one time and he was really upset, he actually shared with
me, his very personal story, he said that even after my cut Makita, I was not allowed to see my wife
for the next eight months. From that point onward from that point of his Nikka. Till the time when
the marriage was consummated. There was a there was an eight month gap. And I'll talk about that
		

			later on the show we have long or big gaps are not between the Nicca or the consummation. But here
at this point, this brother is telling me that even after the Nikka was done, his father in law
prohibited him to see his wife for the next eight months. In fact, the father did not even allow him
to even take his daughter mean that this man who's upset is his wife, he did not he wasn't even
given permission. This man did not allow his son in law to take his daughter even to even for a
simple cup of coffee and so forth. So once again, this is an extreme case, we see that Islam says
they are both permitted to be around each other. But once again, the culture says that no, they
		

			should not be around each other. And then once again, this is a prime example of how culture is
really, really making life difficult for many of our young men and women. Let me give you another
example. I had another sister who came to me she says she was crying a lot. I asked her sister, why
are you crying? She says that me and my husband, we are engaged. So I asked her for more
clarification because in some once again, in some cultures engagement simply means that these two
people are committed to get married. But in some cultures, engagement means that their Nikka has
already taken place. There Ogden Nica is completed. So I asked for more detail. She said that her
		

			Ogden Nica has already taken place, meaning that she took she is a wife and her her husband. She's
they have, of course, a husband wife relationship, but she was crying for what reason? Here's a key
thing. She says to me, that she went to go see her husband. And while they were around each other,
she hugged her husband. Listen to this very carefully. She hugged her husband, she actually believes
that she committed a crime. She actually believes that she committed a sin. And I had to tell her
sister, you did nothing wrong. He is your husband. And she's telling me, but in my culture, they
actually told me that we are still haram for each other, we're not allowed to be around each other,
		

			and so forth. Once again, brother and sister This is another example of how culture is really making
life difficult for our young brothers and sisters. Our dean has taught us if the Nikka has taken
place, there was two witnesses, there was an easy job, there was a boo, there was a Mahara and so
forth, there was a and this all happened in the presence of a Willie, and that is a complete and
Nikka and therefore to keep two people away from each other is simply wrong. I'll give you another
third example. A sister came to me and told me that she's a single mother, she raised her daughter
by herself for many years. And now she got to the point that you know, she was able to mature be an
		

			amazing mother to her daughter. She raised her property gave her proper therapy, and she found a
good man for her daughter. And now her daughter is married off. Here's what she's telling me. She's
telling me that even though the okDo Nikka has already taken place, and she understands the Islamic
rules regarding this matter, but she's telling me at the same time that because we did not have an
official consummation
		

			party or wedding or rasathi kind of dinner
		

			so forth. And her daughter is now going and visiting her house, her husband, her daughter is going
and visiting her husband at her at his home. Now people in the community are calling this woman
criticizing her telling her that what kind of a mother are you? What kind of mother? Are you? You
don't? Don't you have any concept of therapy? What are you teaching your daughter? And she's telling
these other sisters and ladies of the community that what wrong am I doing? And these other people
are criticizing her telling her that how can you allow your daughter to go to her husband's house,
the wedding has not taken place, the rasathi or the consummation party or like the where basically
		

			the send off the woman and so forth, that wedding has not taken place? How can you allow this and
she's telling them Islamically she has the right but once again, in the society, they're basically
criticizing her because they believe that even after the ACT Donica they are not allowed to be
around each other. So you see that there's a serious problem when it comes to these kinds of
matters. Or Dean once again is very clear. If the tunica has taken place, then both husband and wife
are allowed to be around each other. Now there is a question that many people will have asked What
if the Wali has an agreement in place with the husband or his future son in law, basically the
		

			police is done with his future son in law and says, Okay, you know what you will get married
Inshallah, to my daughter, but there will be a there will be a gap between the Abdo Nica and the
consummation of marriage. And during this time, I don't want you to be intimate with her. And the
Father is saying that you know, what, you can take her out, go for coffee, go on date, and so forth,
go for dinner and so forth. This is all fine. I have no problem. Now what this father is doing is
absolutely fine. Okay. There's nothing wrong with the father what he's doing, if he's putting a rule
in place, he's putting a condition in place and a request in place that please, I don't want
		

			anything to happen prior to consummation, but you can be around each other and so forth. He's okay.
If this man agrees that he should uphold his agreement and his promise to this to his future father
in law. But then there are other cases that happened. Let me give you one, let me give you one
scenario. And this is actually a true story that happened, where there was a father who was talking
to his future son in law, and telling him that, you know, I don't want you to be, you don't
necessarily intimate with my daughter, and so forth, even though your knickers taking place. And
yes, you can be around each other and so forth.
		

			Coincidentally, they actually were intimate with each other, even before their marriage was actually
consummated before they actually had the wedding party. There. They did consummate the marriage. And
once again, they are husband and wife to each other. Now, did this man do something that is wrong
from an ethical point of view in terms of that he made a promise to his father in law, and he broke
that promise? Did he do something that is wrong? Indeed, he did. Okay, there's no question about
that. He made a promise he should have stuck to his promise. However, what happened in that story
was that the father got so upset that he stepped in and he forced a HELOC. He forced a divorced in
		

			this particular situation, that man does something that is wrong, he should have held up his end of
the bargain by not being intimate, but they are husband and wife at the end of the day. And yes,
even if they were intimate with each other, they never come into haram. So for this father to go and
say that now that he did this, and she did this, now their marriage is going to be officially over
and he actually did initiate a divorce and he forced his daughter into a divorce. So this is once
again, we find that this is extremely problematic and something that is not permissible at all. Yes,
once again, he did he wish he lived up to his promise, but if it happens between a husband and wife,
		

			it is absolutely fine. Now finally, I do want to address that What about when we talk about a delay?
You know, a lot of times people they say we're gonna get you know, we're gonna get married, we're
going to the often Nikka or some cultures call an engagement. And then you have for example, the the
Rossetti dinner or event or some people refer to as the wedding, which is basically they are,
		

			you know, sending off the bride to the to the groom's family and so forth. Now, the question is
that, how long should there be a gap? And should there be a long gap or not? We do find in the case
of Rasulullah sallallahu, it was someone who came to Aisha the Allahu anha. They Yes, there was a
gap and there was a gap for approximately three years, I should have the Allah one has Nikka have
done Nikka to place with Rasulullah sallallahu. It was at the age of six, their marriage was
consummated when she was nine now, but at the same time, in this day and age, I don't recommend at
all that there should be a long gap, especially because of the society that we live in. It is very
		

			evident, very clear that there is so much promiscuity, there's so much fitna that's taking place in
our society as it is is already very difficult for our youth to protect their faith and here's
what's happening. See, a lot of times the youth are state taking a step back and they're saying you
know
		

			What I understand that this is haram, I'm going to stay away from it. And they really are determined
about it. They hold on firm to their faith in the teaching of their faith. But what happens is that
when they are now married, now, everything that was not permissive for them now is permissible. Now
for them to be around a woman is permissible, if for them to be around their wife is permissible for
them to be intimate with their with their wife is permissible for them to be, you know, just be in
the company of their wife or their husband is permissible. And now when something is now halal, we
as a community, we are holding them back you see the problem here, something that we made haram,
		

			they stayed away from it, but now Allah and His Prophet said Allah Azza, have made something halal.
And we are still keeping pulling our youth behind, and you're pulling our youth back and saying, you
know, what, do not do not do anything right now do not be around your wife and so forth. This is not
making life easy for them. And this is why Believe it or not, I'm gonna say this very clearly. And
there is no doubt in this fact that there are many Muslim boys and girls of our community who are
involved in dating. There are many young Muslim brothers or sisters of our community, who are
committing Zina, and so forth. And the reason why is because we're making marriage difficult for
		

			them by bringing our cultural teachings, our cultural practices and behaviors and whatever we used
to do a long time ago within our families in the countries that we used to come from, and now we're
bringing that and we're trying to infuse that into Islam. Our deen is very clear. You see that our
deen has made life easy for everyone. When Allah says you read the law who become a user Wallah, you
either become an author, even though this idea is in the context of fasting, but this statement in
itself is so profound and it's so true to every single thing that we find in the Quran and the
Sunnah of the Prophet SAW Selim. So parents, let's be mature about this. Parents. Let's try to
		

			follow the teachings of our deen if our if the culture if our cultures are clashing with our deen
and is making life difficult, let's put aside our culture and Let's practice our beautiful Deen I
ask Allah subhana wa to Ghana's tofield does that como la hate a Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa
barakato.
		

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			Eileen